F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 146 - Dave Matthews' Whole New World

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

This week Dain introduces Niall to a completely unheard of new musical act called The Dave Matthews Band.  Topics include sexy lyrics, not judging lowly scumbags, a long distance booty call, a poisoner returns to the scene of the crime, confusing compatibility with red flags, embracing a completely made up bad boy persona, the dangers of bed humping, an adorable pranker and a feline Tinder takeover.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dan Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast show where we take your sticky, sexy situations.

We're taking them into sexy, sticky situations. You say we're taking them into sexy, sticky situations? Yes. We're physically lifting them. We're putting them in a little box and we're moving them and putting them right in the stickiness. Now, some of them we haul. Some of them are like big corpse-like bundles that we just got draped over the shoulder and, you know, tossed down the cliff into the sticky pit. The good sticky pit. There is a restaurant near my high school called Mike's Jerkin Pit.

Hmm. And I would love to know, did Mike know what he was doing? Did Mike understand what he was saying because i don't know if jerking it was even that much of a thing back then what he didn't call it the wanky pit what do you mean back then you're ancient dude if you were back in school before you graduated to like college at the ripe age of 11 but like you did did you think, do you think jerking off is a new phrase?

Maybe it's just that people use it more over here. Maybe. I mean, yeah. Not really says it. It's just like you're having a wank. I mean, no one says wank here.

Yeah, there you go. Because we're not dirty scumbags. Basically, we find questions either online or sent in from our lovely listeners such as yourself

when we answer them on the topic of sex and dating. Now, Dane. Mm-hmm dane you know that i can make you believe in love and sexy lyrics oh okay let's let's talk about sexy lyrics sure you've heard the lyrics you gotta eat the booty like groceries i actually have no idea what that is now really like if it's pop music i don't hear anything because the the playlist at work only plays songs from like three years ago that's fair and aside from that like i don't listen to the radio and my like spotify discover weekly only makes me listen to epic fantasy music now exactly yeah uh and now minecraft meme songs now how do you eat your groceries dane so i want what's the next line

of the line preceding it were they just looking for something to rhyme with another word and they needed to say groceries uh i might let your boy show for me but he gotta eat the booty like groceries but he gotta get rid of these hoes for me yeah yeah they're definitely trying to make a rhyme with groceries but still but still dane how do you eat your groceries yeah no groceries doesn't mean anything groceries groceries might also include like toilet paper you know what i mean and also even if you do it's like you eat it like over an extended period and you eat it kind of like i hope i get there before it goes off yeah none of these are sexual none of these are in any way like you know if it's like you gotta eat that booty like an oyster, it's like, yeah, get there. You're getting in there, you're slurping, you know?

You're doing a lot of stuff. No. That's what you're suggesting we replace groceries with? I'm not suggesting we replace it. I'm saying it has an evocative meaning behind it. Whether it's a good one or a bad one, that's for our listeners to decide. But,

groceries has to be the least sexual term in the world yeah because i when i think groceries i don't think a complete meal i think like ingredients that need to be put together yeah it's like is his butt in like nine pieces maybe they have yeah maybe they have just a real butthole jumble down there i just i hate it so much and i also love it so much now who's it by uh it's by o'marian whoever the fuck that is o'mario a male it's o'marian i think chris brown and then some other person also fuck chris brown is it a man or a woman who says this line it is a woman jenny ako all right and it's really funny because mtv did a interview with her in a grocery

store and we're like why'd you do it she was like i don't know i need something to rhyme now i'm gonna hit you with another one okay do you know blxst no jessima's blast i don't know they play this work too and it's a song called chosen and it's about you know picking a girl from the crowd to come back to your i guess like backstage to fuck yeah and he goes girl you chosen fuck it up when you bust wide open uh-huh you like that no fuck it up when you bust wide open yeah it's it's not great i don't really know what's happening like i don't fuck like what's getting fucked up and what's busting wide open? I assume her legs are busting wide open maybe, but, like, you don't want to fuck it up.

Maybe fuck it, sure. Like, I feel like this person maybe hasn't had sex, has been, like, towing, like, been in the room when people have been talking about it, and it's, like, gathered, like, third-party information. It's like, you fuck it. No, you fuck it no you fuck it up penises are up right it's like that scene in 40 year old version where he's trying to explain breasts probably yeah that's the thing it's like i feel like this person has never had sex and is trying to write a song

about having sex and it's just like yeah i fuck it up when you bust wide open pardon it couldn't be more violent and also inaccurate i mean i also think that there is like there might be a cultural language that we're missing here that's totally possible i don't know i just every time i hear it makes me laugh like for all we know the kids on tiktok are fucking it up when they bust wide open that's fine i've never heard it in my goddamn life now here's i've got something for you and this is kind of like a throwback because um for some reason someone decided that crash into me by the dave matthew band desperately needed to be covered i like how you assume i would know what the fuck that is but you don't know you know

crash into me if you heard it by dave matthews anyway they do like this weird like poppy techno it's like Steve Aoki. Is that his name? I believe it is. Yeah. And then like someone else I don't know, but I presumably some sort of like maybe teen heartthrob or something. Anyway, it's garbage. I don't think they got me on there.

Yes, because everyone wants you as their teen heartthrob. Wow. Why you gotta say it like that? Because you're not a teenager. Oh, I thought it was like a heartthrob 14 no continue continue um anyway i i got id'd the other day so he thought i was a teen heartthrob nice yeah i once got refused service at a bar when i was like 27 because i couldn't provide id and i was just like do you see this hairline? What the fuck is wrong with you? It was one of those things where they

said it and then they just couldn't back down. Well, it was also like in the college. It was like a college bar. So I think they just ID fucking everybody. Anyway, Dave Matthews. We all know. Horny man, horny lyrics. Honestly, don't think anyone outside of Canada knows who the fuck Dave Matthews

is. Everyone, what are you talking about dave matthews is like one of the biggest artists anyway i've never really paid attention to dave matthews nor his lyrics but this song plays at work all the fucking time like the the remix of it and there is a line in which they say hike up your skirt a little more and show your world to me. Hike up your skirt a little more and show the world to me. In a boy's dream. In a boy's dream. Oh, that's weird.

Right? That's, hmm. Okay. You got, you ruined the whole thing. Even show your world to me. Not a great. I don't love it and then a couple a couple like verses later they sang i'm the king of castle and you're the dirty rascal as in like the kids nursery rhyme

yeah why why is he getting really so have you you haven't seen always sunny i've seen bits of it so like charlie has this whole thing where like the, the like nightman saga. Yes. I know. I know of that. Yeah. That's what it sounds to me like, where he's trying to do the sexy thing,

but there's some kind of weird repressed. I don't know. It's, I don't like it. Don't make it. Don't make it kid. Like if it's meant to be sexy. I mean,

like that's the thing. And I assume it is, it's meant to be like from a, like a teenage Dave Matthews desperately trying to hook up with women because the rest of the lyrics are he's like oh I'm begging you you know like I'm gonna throw myself overboard and so

I think it's all about like his like you know first sexual experience and it's all clumsy and stuff and like that's the that's the reason yeah but it's like especially to see as an, as an adult, as a horny adult,

it's like, Dave, no one wants to hear about your horny teen years, begging women to show you their world to you via their skirt. Do you think Dave Matthews still calls, uh, vaginas, vulvas,

people's world? Show your world to me. Uh, now what I think is that like we could be off the mark so everyone listening next time you're having sex get on top and be like i'm the king of the castle you're the dirty rascal and just just go for it do you think dave matthews was super confused when he saw aladdin and a whole new world came on. He's like, I can show you the world. He's like,

Oh yeah. But to be fair, that song is about fucking. So maybe, maybe a whole new world is when he discovered anal. Hold on. Let me see. When did this song come out?

It looks like around maybe 1996. Yes. Okay. 1996. When was Aladdin release? 2019. Okay. It came out in 1992. So, is this a diss track?

Or is this Dave Matthews just really chomping on Aladdin's whole sexual thing? Is Crash into me about Aladdin? It's very popular. You know what what it's his first time on the magic carpet so yeah he'd probably crash into a lot of people right and it's a boy's dream to find a fucking genie and become a prince yeah whoa he's the king of the castle yeah and she's she's a dirty rascal she has she steals first time out of the city she fucking oh just a bunch of fucking bread fuck we've solved it you ready for the first question i mean we are 12 minutes into it yeah i know and hey if you

guys have some weird ass fucking lyrics be they actually sexy or just previously displayed displayed terribly unsexy hit me up with them we did get the classic can i smell your dick which i still would love to know whether it's a joke or a real song i don't know i wish to god that someone would answer that for me i did a deep dive into seduction this week so here you go okay remember how it's been being okay so this is needed vice or thoughts from experience slash older man by evocatus ad levare male 19 first of all i wish no hate on anybody i just want to give my view on this thing that's been bothering me for a while i can't seem to understand what is so attractive with low-life people, mostly prevalent men aged 18 to 30. I know or have observed a lot of blokes whose utmost existence is to go outside,

do drugs, drink, talk about breaking jaws, or just simply be a low-life person with no moral or ambitions. Yet somehow they date not always, but mostly nice looking women. The reason this bothers me is I value nobility a lot. I'm being a decent man. I'm a gym addict. I do amateur powerlifting. I don't like anything addictive. I stay away from bad people and from bad things. I value character, but I'm bad with women. I lost all my female friends because I wanted something more than friendship. I'm not socially awkward. I have an okay amount of cold approaches under my belt. Some went well, some not. I don't see my view on life as that attractive to women. This seriously makes me feel I'm beneath someone that I have less

value. I'm very good at making friends with men, but hanging out with men got boring. I missed the little amount of female friendship I had. Girls can be sweet and nice to talk to and it breaks my heart. Don't hate the players, hate the game. Is this just a phase of people figuring out life or does this happen when people get older? I understand I'm young and need to work on myself. I started practicing semen retention, which helped my anxiety immensely. I don't like the idea of affection being locked away by financial success or by having an expensive car or whatever. I don't think I'm undateable, but I'm not all that desirable. My life ambition is to work in the special forces. I've been training for a long time. I have to decide to invest my time into this thing so i don't see myself being a guy who has a nice

home or nice car i want to do what i value in life and that doesn't really look stable thank you for reading this mom's advice is to lie more lmao man how old is this kid 19 he's a pretty cool pretty cool dude he's pretty cool hey he values nobility dude and he doesn't want to wish hate on anyone but what's with the lowlifes being lowlife shitty people all the time there was the the line about i had female like i lost all my female friends because i wanted something more than friendship it's like that's the kicker really and then and then like immediately after being like i'm not socially awkward hey my dude it sounds like you are it sounds like you have absolutely no idea how to act in a social sphere because hank being friends

with men is boring pardon and also you can't be friends with women without wanting to fuck them yeah you just can't have friends i guess that's that's the main problem here i think i mean it doesn't even sound like it's necessarily like the fact that he can't be friends with them without fucking them. It's that like they, I don't know that he wants to create some sort of armed forces harem or like, because he says he wants something more and he's a noble man. So presumably he'd like tried to date all of them or was just,

you know, like, Oh, if you don't want to date me, I'm like, I don't want to be your, like, assume like he's it sounds to me like he's the kind of person that sees women as sex it's just a sex like look there there's a possible sex and when he got friends with him

he was like okay so when does this happen and eventually they were like okay i'm out yeah you know and then he moved to the next one and they were like yeah i'm also out like if you lost all your female friends because you tried to get something more than friendship with all of them. Yeah. That's terrible, dude. That's that's the like I think that is the the flag on the play here. Also, the other thing you said where it was like the I was friends with men, but that got boring. What do you mean? Yeah. with men but that got boring what do you mean yeah friends with all men got boring because

probably you're looking to like accumulate something from friendship other than friendship and it doesn't just seem to be specifically women as you know most people like this are it seems like oh you are friends with this person and And then, like, there's no, you know, you don't have a tangible currency coming out of them. So you're like, okay, well, this is boring. If he took, like, the advice of, like, oh, yeah, I have, like, friends to go to the club with. Like, you know, get your bros, hang out with them. And, like, he was like, cool. And that's why I got friends is to get women.

And then he was like, damn, I have friends, but I didn't get women. This sucks. Bye, guys. Yeah, this is boring. Either way, also just the whole like, yo, look at these low lives. Everyone who has a beautiful girl is a low life. They just drink and do drugs, but I'm an amateur power lifter. It's like, don't put yourself up on this high horse. Degrading other people or thinking less of them, it doesn't help you at all.

You know what I mean? You can spend your entire day being like look at this person they don't deserve that and and that doesn't better where you're coming from so like it's wasting your energy it's making you bitter it's always gonna show when you start talking to people like you come off so bitter in this so it's like get rid of that because there's no place for that there's nothing noble about it either like yes like you're meant to be taking like the high road as a quote-unquote noble person also let's take in consideration the like the origins of the word noble which was essentially a hierarchy of power you know what i mean like noble was a designation of a higher class. It wasn't a moral designation, by any means. We treated it

that way because nobles or the ruling class saw X qualities as, you know, akin to themselves, which is why you see knights being called noble. It was because they were following the rules of, like, the bourgeoisie.

Not to sound super socialist. Hell hell yeah let's get marxist as shit right now right dude you know what you need to do fuck the special forces use your lifting power to go eat the rich right use that semen you've retained and just blast a hole in bezos's fucking front door walk in and just chomp down on them. You want more fucking female friends? Smash that glass ceiling with your fucking powerful jizz streams. Yes. For real, if you can't be friends with men and you can't be friends with women,

you need to fix that first. You need to literally be able to have friends of both genders, preferably, and use that for what it is, to actually be like a social person and you're not using them for anything there are people you like who like you and there's mutual respect and enjoyment and all these things like that that's kind of like the base here yeah the the key here is to stop treating people like transactional currency

and being like stepping stones or like you know yeah like they're not like a little like jump pad and a fucking like 2d side scroller. Like you're not going, Oh, I'm using this friend to get up to this woman. Like if you're getting into the special forces, my dude, I got bad news for you.

Be prepared for a very long, lonely life of almost exclusively male companionship. Special forces. Is it exactly the, the the the field in which you you know settle down with a white picket fence and have a kid and a couple or a wife and a couple kids and a dog like sure you might have that but also you're never gonna see them also you'll probably die also people who drink do drugs and jaws. That's that's the special forces, dude. You've literally talked about the armed forces and not even special forces. You're talking about police.

You're talking about like every sort of enforcement agency. Man, I'm really fucking I'm really on this power of the proletariat down with authority thing today. Good. Let's do it. I think you need to ground yourself. Stop worrying about what other people are doing, because you can look at someone and be like, oh, they've no morals and ambitions. I'll bet they're a guy you just saw walking down the road. You know what I mean? I bet you do not know this about them. And sure, some people make mistakes and date people that maybe aren't the best, or maybe you just think aren't the best,

but none of that is helping you whatsoever. So stop worrying about other people and start worrying about yourself a little bit more. Take a step back, cultivate real friendships, and realize that women aren't just a fucking option to date or fuck. They are people. Having friends who are women and somehow restraining yourself from trying to turn it into something more will help you a lot. The next question I have is, how do I use Tinder to dismantle capitalism from the inside? I don't know if that's relevant today, is it?

I remember the word Tinder vigilantes taken down the right wing people. Yeah, it's true. This comes from Reddit user Legitimate Error 4827. Should I catch a flight for a great sex? I hooked up with this guy about a month ago, and it was the best sex I've ever had. He's the only guy who's ever been able to make me orgasm.

Unfortunately, he moved out of state a week after we hooked up. We've been texting for the past few weeks, and he invited me to spend the weekend with him. He's a real cool guy, but I just got out of a five-year relationship, so I just want to keep it as friends with benefits situation, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way the flight would be about two and a half hours and the ticket wouldn't be that expensive or wouldn't be expensive however part of me feels like going out of state for a weekend hookup is too much and i'm not sure

what to do do it right like hell yeah because the thing is what could be more casual than like i'm gonna see you for a weekend and then get the fuck out of there permanently. And literally get on a rocket or a jet-powered metal object. I'm going to blast myself away from you so quickly. I'm going to take flight and then land, hopefully safely, at home where you don't exist. Yeah, I mean, like, this is the opposite of showing up at someone's doorstep on a now you know i mean like that is the red flag this is totally like if one if you're not putting yourself out financially for it fantastic two you're not two and a half hours i can bet or like i commute

an hour to work you know i mean yeah great like my girlfriend used to live about two hours away yeah like that was nothing and if like if you're not doing it all the time and if it's sort of like a weekend why the fuck not go for it and the thing is like being able to spend a good bit of time together and being able to like you know have like this like weirdly intimate, like fun, just like fuck weekend, but also having no strings attached, no weight, nothing is the best. Yeah. That's just so much fun. It's like, you can have all the fun, have those orgasms that you've been missing because fucking you deserve them and just, just enjoy it.

Do it. Like, again, once the, my concerns were monetary and safety, you know what I mean? It's like, if you trust this guy and things are safe and let your friends know where you're going and all that. Because obviously flying out of state to a stranger's place, there's an inherent risk there. But you don't seem worried about that. So I'm trusting you. These are the issues. If they're out of the way, go have that fuck weekend.

Yeah. Treat your vagina. It's the most basic thing to do there's there's no like like i said unless this guy unless there's a bunch of red flags like unless he's like hey i'm going to this super you know secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere and you know that like oh you know his past six girlfriends have gone missing and he likes to play a game of don't bring your phone and you know pre-tie your wrists. I understand people's hesitancy of like,

oh, is this too much? Is it too fast? No, it doesn't have to be. Also, it's like if you both talked about it, you know, it's not like you being like, hey, how about I fly over there? That might be whatever, you know what I mean? But it sounds like he's mentioned it.

You've mentioned it. You're both okay with it. It sounds like you've both mentioned that you guys want to you know be casual and the best thing is if you know you know where you're at if you go over and you come back and he's like oh i'm catching feelings you can be like oh i'm sorry but you've gone you've had your fun fuck weekend and then you have so much distance between you guys that shutting it down isn't going to be hard yeah Yeah. So it's all good. Go get yourself pleasured.

Yeah. Have a great weekend. Are you ready for a question by Professional Darkness? Yeah. My 43-year-old male ex, 40-year-old female, wants me back, won't leave me alone. Eight years ago, my ex decided that poisoning me was the best way to break up with me. I should laugh at that. I very nearly died.

On Thanksgiving, no less. I found out she used me for four years and led a double life. She was with her 24-year-old drug dealer while supposedly working nights in a warehouse. She was actually a stripper. My nativity was due to trusting her. I assume it's naivety, but my nativity was due to trusting her. She was an old schoolpper. My nativity was due to trusting her. I assume it's naivety, but my nativity was due to trusting her. She was an old schoolmate. She had a child. I helped her raise her daughter from three to seven. I taught her how to read and write for God's sakes. And she poisoned me and disappeared. Well, now she's back. She's claiming she made the mistake. Yes,

she did. I worked through a hell of a lot of issues, including trust and ever accepting food from a woman again. I'm still not 100% right yet. No, the cops did fuck all to help me. She got away with all of it. And now she's back. What is the best next step? Hell no, she's not getting back here. Man, it really doesn't tell you how he got poisoned, huh?

Like, that's the only thing I really care about right now. Gotta be the turkey, man. It was Thanksgiving. No, no, no. I don't care about, the deliver while i do a little bit i want to know what she poisoned up with yeah also just like that can we can we state now advice wise that's terrible don't do that i would love to know if it's literally like did he just get food poisoning or is it you know i mean like or is it actually did he did she just like

not cook the chicken yeah like it was just a little undercooked turkey that made him sick? And he's like, she tried to kill me! Or was it, like, literally, you know, she put some fucking cyanide in the cranberries. What's the question again? How to deal with this? Like, don't answer her calls. It seems to be that they are on the same page as as like, hell no, she's not getting back here. Great.

Establish the firmest boundaries known to man and record every like transaction. You know what I mean? Like every time she's trying to contact you, every time that, you know, you get the call or she shows up at your house, like maybe record those too. And if she keeps bothering you, go to the police again, because even if they didn't do anything the first time, hopefully it'll be on file. And the more things you have to add to this, the more weight there will be against her. And maybe you can get a restraining order and hopefully she will realize that things are serious. And like if she did legitimately poison you, be careful. Yeah, maybe don't. If a box of cookies shows up on your doorstep, maybe don't. Oh, yeah. Do not like make you, you know, do like, thing you do when you're a kid and you'd, like, tape a hair to, like, the door or you'd, like, stick hair on the door and then you come back and if it was gone, someone went in there.

And just make sure no one gets in your house. Does she have keys? If she has keys, change the locks, you know? Yeah, I mean, like, this is such a, such like it's so easy we don't have enough information of like how far she can like she literally can infiltrate your life but if it's literally just she sent you a message on facebook just block her yeah block her on everything don't engage with her and again record every interaction and go to the police again get a fucking restraining order and this seems like a very easy situation to, on paper, avoid. But again, if this crazy lady wants to poison you, I don't know.

Maybe start taking a small amount of poison every day. You need to Batman yourself. You need to start dosing yourself with all the common poisons just a little bit every day to build up immunity. Maybe she's like quantum Gf because like she got away with it yeah i mean at the end of the day it's like i don't know unless you get a talk screen or something to prove you were poisoned yeah i don't even know it's like how do you prove anyway just be careful record everything don't be afraid to go back to the police you know the more that gets added to this file the better maybe invite her over for dinner

poison her right back i read this question out and my girlfriend was like yeah just poison her right back was her like snap just like the first thing she said and i was like this is why you're not a guest um this comes from reddit user emperor crimson one is it a red flag if guys don't drink hi i'm 18 wanted to ask you girls if guys don't drink? Hi, I'm 18. Wanted to ask you girls if you don't like it when a guy doesn't drink or doesn't eat unhealthy food. I do a lot of fitness, and because of that, I doesn't drink, etc. I think I'm still a pretty chill guy, but still, I hope you can help. I think red flag is definitely not the term here.

I think you might meet people, especially when you're younger, who are like, Oh, you don't drink? We can't rage and like don't want to do that or i think a lot of it comes down to how you are as well if you're like oh don't drink but like you can drink or like oh i don't eat unhealthy but like you know i'm not gonna shame you for getting a burger i don't think anyone's really gonna care apart from the people who will write you off immediately which fuck it you don't want to date them anyway but if you're the kind of person it's like oh you know how many calories are in that like oh you know the drinking is like what people do as a substitute for confidence you're you're letting ghosts into your blood i wanted to bring this in because i wanted to put a firm line between compatibility and red flags you might

not be compatible with people and especially and at that age probably a lot of people who want to go out drink you know you're just about depending on where you live you know you're just about of legal age to go out and start drinking blah blah it might be not conducive to like the social settings of a lot of people but it's not a red flag a red flag like again unless you're doing something fucking wild because of these things like niall said either being super judgy or being fucking weird about it but if like if you just if this is just how you are and and your preferences it's not a red flag unless you do something that's like you know purposely harmful to someone else or you know

you're being fucking weird don't like i i want to like people i brought this because i saw like nine other questions like this of being like is this a red flag is what i'm doing a red flag it's like no you're just doing like you're just like one of them was i like to play video games after work is this a red flag? It's like, oh, 100%. Never date a man or a woman, especially, who plays video games after work. Before work is fine. During work is fine. After work is demonic.

I was just like, no, none of these things are red flags. I like how you phrased what I said just perfectly. And I did the most clumsy attempt at it because you're totally right. Yeah, like the red flags are very different to incompatibilities or like, you know, even like deal breaker sounds dramatic. But it's like, you know, people have personal things that they care about. I think red flags are just like even out of context, just like a warning sign like bad things right because like i wouldn't want i like i don't think i could date someone who was a big partier or went to like crazy raves did a bunch of drugs i don't think it's necessarily a red flag as long as they were doing it safely

and you know they were in it's just like but that's just not my sphere of the person that i i mesh with yeah um So it's like, it doesn't, it's not a red flag for them. They're not throwing red flags. We're just not compatible. And that's fine. So no,

it is not a red flag. It's not a red flag. Some people might not like it, but that's an incompatibility and that's okay. Cause there's going to be others about other things. You know, I'm just going to read this. Actually,

it's kind of, it's kind of long i'm gonna start this is another seduction this is by farah can 62 the bad boy persona really does work never had success with girls growing up always a quiet kid with home problems lost my virginity to my first girlfriend pretty much the only girl to show me attention at 18. Now, hold on. Is he talking about Martin Lawrence or Will Smith? Both, I believe. An amalgam. All right.

We mutually and respectfully parted ways not long ago at 21. Understood women a bit better from that three years. Now, keep that in mind, because you can tell me at the end if he does or not. I'm quite a scary looking guy. I have a bunch of tattoos and it's just a scary face. I'm really not, though. I'm chill and nice at heart. A friend of mine told me I had a bad boy look going on. We were joking around once when we were drunk about this idea. If I told women I was an ex-con, they would fuck

me. It was a really hyper-masculine, misogynistic filled night of innocent laughter. One for the books. No, I don't hate women in all seriousness. A few days later, I thought about it. I jumped on Facebook and started adding a bunch of girls in my city. I live in a small city, about 300,000. So it's not hard to find girls your age who have mutual friends with you. Flick them a message, teasing them about anything I could think of. Their music taste, their makeup, their race. As expected, some girls reacted with hostility and therefore rejection. But the majority of these chicks welcomed it.

It was pretty simple. All I did was make fun of them. Told them I got out of jail and then sexting. Eventually, it led to real-life sex. I fucked 18 girls in the last two months for doing this. Mixed bag of fives up to very high eights. I know a lot of men struggle immensely with online dating. I attempted to use Facebook for sex when I was 16, and the whole thing was a disaster. Did he message a podcast asking for sex? So I'm grateful my experience has been rather pleasant. I think I just got lucky, like real lucky. All the success with girls randomly happened out of nowhere.

I really don't know what happened. Look, it isn't good to hide behind a facade. I've never been charged with anything. I'm a relaxed, nice guy at heart. I just have tattoos, a six-pack, and a rough face. Try not to fake your life. It'll catch up in the end. But for now, it's an easy method to get a quick lay,

which I find rather interesting. I know dudes with a good amount of money and a successful career who couldn't get laid if their life depended on it. But yet these hot chicks are down to get screwed by a perceived bum. It probably wouldn't work in my 30s, but on these young girls,

just tell them you've been to prison. All of a sudden, they're soaking wet. Interesting from a psychology perspective. I mean, it is like like it is a little interesting i don't believe a goddamn word he's saying um i mean yes if he's a guy out of nowhere messages you like firstly i don't know many people who take messages from randos on facebook of all things secondly if he's just like, hey, here's a racist comment. Also, I used to be in jail. Yeah, I just got out of prison.

It's like, I mean, you want to come over? But if it did work, it's pretty fucking wild. True, I guess. If it does work, my advice for the people who are letting this work on them is maybe take a step back and do a thing. Do a little think about your life yes please reconsider meeting up and again i don't want to paint the picture of like don't meet ex-cons don't meet people who've been in prison like i don't want to paint that because maybe don't meet up with people who randomly just verbally abuse you in your messages out of nowhere and then are like want to meet up and

here's the only defining thing i'll tell you about myself which is that i did crime and got caught yeah i am a criminal you know um nothing wrong with fucking being an ex-con we used to work with an incredible ex-con who was just the sweetest man yeah i don't really know what to say about this question because it's not really a question so i don't know i just kind of wanted to read it and it was it's painful it hurt me and all of it i feel like is a work of fiction i feel like it is a i like just a come high five me on person on seduction uh like even just like the line it was a hyper masculine misogynistic filled night of innocent laughter what are you talking about what are you doing yeah i it's it's a very strange correlation to be like hey here's something that like misogyny

is actually quite dangerous and so it's not innocent it'd be like oh it's just an innocent night of racism yeah exactly exactly like that's kind of also what he says. Yeah, I mess with people and tease them about their race. It's like, hmm, okay. I would love to know where he's from. Yeah. Is it common in wherever he's from to add random people? Because it's like, oh, it's a small town kind of place. Yeah.

I would love to know where in the world this is taking place because depending on that like maybe like you know maybe this is something that that's quote-unquote viable if well i think we're not gonna say that this is no like we're gonna say not to do this right oh yeah no this is kind of why i brought it don't do this don't be a shit bag like this no No, this is insane. The thing is, is like you, I mean, like anyone could make bullshit up in order to get sex. You know what I mean? Like,

like it's not difficult to fabricate a persona to attract people. People do it all the fucking time on, on small scales, but also like, it's not a difficult thing to do. And like, sure. Yes.

Could you do it? Yep. You can. Will you find success? Probably. Or maybe let's be fair. A lot of people try and fucking bomb it hard. Yeah.

But at the end of the day, it's like you're, you're going to be met with set. Like you're eventually going to spiral into like madness being like, you know, the existential dread of knowing that people only like the fake version of you is not going to do anything for your mental health also just the fact that you'll never get anything further because there's a limit to how much you can keep up that

bullshit and the yeah you run the risk of if you finally meet someone you really click with them being like oh hey by the way i lied about all of this stuff that made you like me in the first place so anyway would you like to meet the real me because most people would be like no that's a fucking crazy thing to do so just do not do this if that's the only way you can get someone you're wrong yeah yeah exactly it's yeah don't do it this comes from this comes from billy 612 bc humping bag can't maintain erection okay humping bag bed oh okay so i've been a bed humper for years it's been the first and only method i've used i was shocked to discover more common masturbation requires hands but i've been doing it for so long that even when i received my first

blow job i barely felt anything. I can't even maintain an erection unless my penis is rubbing on the bed sheets as I lay on my side. Am I permanently damaged? What do I do? How coarse are your sheets, dude? Because it's definitely not Egyptian cotton. Let me tell you that. Yeah.

Have you tried easing, getting slightly more and more thread count like and and bringing yourself back up to uh thread count eight jesus because it's kind of seems to me like it's very possible it's a mental thing at least in part um so i would think that that is is a lot of it maybe maybe you should try some semen retention like our good friend earlier i can't imagine it's that you've ground your penis down to the point where like you don't have any like feeling like i assume you you know i'm guessing it's more just like it's not a sensation you're used to. And even just being shocked by hands probably means that you're not like too familiar with, with sex in general. Right? Like if you're not watching porn, if you're not like engaging in sexual acts with other people, it's like to have such a simple thing, be a shock to you probably means that you're like a new person in this new world that you found yourself in.

So it's like maybe it's taking you a little bit to like mentally get used to it. So I would imagine it's heavily that, but it could be a sensitivity thing. I mean, yeah, you can desensitize your penis. It is just a bunch of nerve endings. And if you're like, I don't know how much you're doing it, like how you're doing it, what you're what the you know, the courses of the sheets, we joked about it. But like that could play a part in it. You know, I mean, like you've trained a part of your body to get pleasure from a certain sensation. So there is.

And let me tell you, the difference between a human's mouth and your bed or night and day unless they got cat tongue unless you also add ask them to just put a strip of burlap in there and go to town maybe get like a nice strip of your own sheets and stuff them into the condom i would say i think you need to just cool it a little bit with the sheets and the bed humping. And I know it's difficult because like this is the way you masturbate. And I'm assuming like like now that you are young and fairly new to the act. But I would look into more, quote unquote, conventional ways of masturbation as well, just to get a different sensation. Let's maybe not say conventional and let's say kind something that's kinder to your penis flesh.

Yeah. Um, so I would recommend getting some lotions, getting some lube, treating yourself to a more gentle experience and getting your penis used to the sensation of a gentler touch. Because at the end of the day, like a blow job is a much slighter sensation,

unless there is like hard sucking or hands being used, but like just a mouth while it feels incredible is, is a much slighter sensation than like a firm grasp or a burlap massacre yeah or like friction like surface to surface friction um so i kind of understand why the first time it happened also let's be real the first time any sort of sexual experience you're in your head and it's very it's a wild it's a wild thing you're either gonna go way too soon or not at all or way too late or like there's there's no kind of like i don't think anyone's like yeah that's been an acceptable acceptable trip yeah like it's very common for a first time to be uh difficult to maintain an

erection and it usually just comes down to nerves so i wouldn't worry too much about that but i would maybe give your penis a break from being ground into the sheets for a bit now maybe if it is just a mental thing you could make her wear a costume like you know like a ghost where she you cut a hole in your sheets she puts it on make some spooky sounds and then you've got like you know the mattress blow job or a blanket blow job you've entered into the dane miller school of spookiness exactly that's how dane does it every time this is my origin story i just really needed someone to to walk this through with me i'm glad to take your hand and bring you down but yeah 100 like nerves and unfamiliarity and all these things definitely combine to create another great job for combine to create not a great job for a boner.

Not a great job, not a great, you know, environment for a boner. Take it easy. Maybe lay off the cheating. Give yourself a nice sensual wank in the comfort of your own home when you don't have someone else there and there's less pressure and build your way up to it, you know? And if you do actually think there's damage you'll be able to see it i'm pretty sure you know like if you actually if there's anything to be worried about it's probably going to be visible yeah if you see sort of a redness sores like sensitivity like if you you know touch yourself and it's sore any of those sort of signs you see a medical

professional and give it a break. Let the poor guy rest. Please. Stand down. Oh, do we go seduction again? I would rather not. What I do love is almost all the seductions I've brought you today have a zero in upvotes. Just a perfect zero. So that means seduction is still doing all right.

The people in it, yeah. Some of the posts, though, this week have been breathtaking. But this is a good one. This one I've been excited to bring. And I don't think we have much time, so I can't do the other one. So here we go. This is by Jay the Surfer. I need to play a mild prank on my girlfriend.

Any ideas? Girlfriend of many, many years played a prank on me for the first time ever a month ago. We were walking home from dinner, and unbeknownst to me, she put a white tic-tacs in her mouth. She pretended to sneeze and spit a couple teeth out. It shocked me for half a second, took my brain a bit longer to figure out what happened, and by that point she was laughing hysterically. She loved the prank so much. I of course pointed out she just started a new phase in our relationship, a pranks phase. Her face immediately dropped as she realized our unspoken truce of not pranking each other has been broken enough time has passed and i want to get her back i want something as

benign and quick as hers and i can't think of friggin anything any master pranksters here that can help me poison her at thanksgiving yes nailed it i'm trying to think of the one that winston yells out oh hit her in the face with a ski um okay let's come up with some pranks have you got any you've had this brewing in your head longer than i have you think i think about these things until i i literally had 14 there's like which ones do i pick forgot about half of them we can start basic you just everywhere you go tell the waiter that's her birthday especially if it's somewhere where they'll like sing yeah and like make a big fuss out of her. Because no one likes that. No one likes that at all.

If it happens to her every time. There's a guy we worked with. And I don't know why or when it started. But everywhere we went, it was his birthday. And he just hated it. He was the shyest person. Can you do the exact same prank, but buy human teeth off of eBay? You can definitely get them.

But like buy enough for a full human's adult human's mouth and just just drop them all out there and just actually no get too many for an adult human's mouth like 60 teeth and just like keep spitting them out burn our house down no too much sorry too far too far wasn't there that prankster who tried to push their boyfriend off a cliff wasn't that a fun prank i think it was in front of a subway but i think there was i think there was also a cliff involved as well at some point i think judging by a lot of the ones we've gotten in my advice is to make sure you think about it and make sure you're not going to accidentally kill them because that we've gotten far too many questions far more than i ever would have thought about like my girlfriend's

a prankster or to be fair that's where i thought this one was going no this is adorable and I love it I do like it because it's like she must have had those tic-tacs in her mouth for a considerable amount of time I also love the gist that she was laughing hysterically because that's heartwarming and she seems great and I love all of this um in terms of like basic stuff can you get like a large twig and hold it behind your back and like move your neck and go? Okay. And then collapse on the ground. Can you, are you close with their family? Can you get them to admit that she was adopted?

Oh, that's, hmm. Is that mild? Okay. That she is an illegitimate child because her father cheated. Better. that she is an illegitimate child because her father cheated better and then what you need to do is like reveal that he cheated on your mom and you guys are actually like siblings that's a great prank right that's a very oh you know what's actually a very fun one you get water bottles and you stuff them like empty water bottles like plastic water bottles and you stuff them in her

pillow instead of her pillow so that when she goes to lie down it doesn't hurt but it is a terrible sensation and it's a terrible sound you can also do the like the that like magic trick where you like put something in the bottle filled with water and when they look over to see if it's there you like squeeze it and splash them in the face or the one where like you have the ropes uh like with weights on them and it's there. You'd like squeeze it and splash them in the face. Or the one where like you have the ropes, uh, like with weights on them. And it's like,

you have to hold the, the book with like flour on it. And then you cut the rope. And when the weight's gone, they just fucking eat the flour into their own face. I don't know that one. Uh, I wish I'll find it.

It's like a tick tock thing. Isn't it the one Gordon Ramsey's daughter did on him that everyone was like, Oh shit. With the ads. That's the, Oh yes. There't it the one Gordon Ramsay's daughter did on him that everyone was like, Oh shit. With the eggs. That's the, Oh yes. There was the egg one too. I don't remember what it was,

but I'm sure if you go on YouTube and find like just YouTube or TikTok, like prank videos. And I'm sure there's a wide resource of, of crazy shit that you can do that isn't going to hurt them or put them in any danger or, you know, upset them have sex with their mom yeah or no have sex with her dad yeah but yeah like i honestly the water bottle in the pillowcase

works really well that's a lot of water there's a lot of single-use plastic you can get like what if you have like a two liter like seven up bottle like two of them done if you hate the universe and planet want to contribute to global warming, sure, that's real funny. You know what? Here's a last question. Just a one-word answer. This is by LordByron0001. This is in Seduction. Should you chat up a girl in a steam room?

No. No one should ever talk in a steam room. Yes. Just don't do it. Just do not do that. Alright, you ready yep uh this is tinders we look at tinders we say if we're good or not this is emmy that's man i'm so you're taking over the introduction to the segment for noah i think so uh this is emmy what am i looking for everything and nothing at the same time everything and nothing at the same time well emmy was it i feel like we get a lot of emmys is that just me i think it's just you it's nothing

you've said nothing and the profile means nothing so i'm gonna give it a three it's not offensive but it is garbage yeah all right you're ready for anna i feel like you'll like this one. Okay. I am an outgoing person. There is a very beautiful cat likes to travel and appreciate the beauty of nature scenery. Lucy is my good friend. I learned a lot from her.

I don't like the negative way of life. I hope I can share to the people around. I hope we can learn from each other, each other's conversation and growth. Is Lucy the cat? I don't fucking know. I hopey's the cat if lucy is the cat then i love this if lucy's not the cat they say there's a very beautiful cat likes to travel and appreciate the beauty of nature scenery is that the cat also because if so i really want

to meet this really nice cat this jet-setting cat especially if it is lucy and you've learned a lot from her this This could be the most adorable, best one we've had, or the most confusing, nonsensical one we've ever had. I, at this point, I'm willing to risk it on the off chance that this is a Tinder profile made by the cat.

Oh, man. It's a very cat move to be like, oh, Anna's an outgoing person, but there's a beautiful cat that likes to travel, appreciate scenery, and I'm a good friend, and she learned a lot from me, and I guess more about her, but the important thing is the cat. I'm going to give this 10.

100%. 10. You want a quick one? You want to just keep going? Yeah, keep going because I'm not finding anything right now. This is Veronica, and it says they're a makeup artist for cats, which is wild. Okay. Don't know what that means. Don't know either.

About me. Ugh, I hate it here. And it's like three snoozing faces. Everyone looks like they've given up. Four more snoozing faces and three crying laughing cats. Okay, is this just another cat? Cats have taken over, I think. I'm not angry at this, but it does have strong cat energy right

like of being like yawn like all these humans have given up yeah and hey cat cat you're not wrong we're fucking defeated yeah hey you you get to like sleep in high lofty comfy places get fed and scritched all the time. I'm going to work. We have to leave. When we leave, we're not scritching each other or playing most of the time or having fun or being in lofty places of comfort. We're miserable.

Yeah, your work is literally being pet. If it's a cat, 10. If it's not, 2. Yeah, I agree. This one doesn't have a name, but they say, we'll get on if you aren't vaccinated, two. Yeah, I agree. This one doesn't have a name, but they say, we'll get on if you aren't vaccinated, two angel faces, and if you work hard on me, big smile.

Okay, a zero. 100%. The second anyone says anything, like the anti-vaxxers, they just get a zero. I have one, specifically for you. Okay. Oh no. It's horses. It's not. It's apples. This is Sarah. She's 28.

Hedgehogs are so selfish. No. Why can't they share the hedge? Is that it? That's it. It's a 10. That's very funny. How about starfish jelly?

I hate small talk. Take me on a date. Well, you know what? Bad profile, but true to her word. You know what? It's a six. Yeah. I don't mind it. I'm going to give it a seven because I think there's enough of like there's a there's a little sarcasm there.

You know what I mean? Like, I think the profile, I think that like I hate small talk leads. I think that's the punchline as opposed to like them being snarky. You know what I mean? I think that's optimistic. But are you ready for Aisha? Sure. Flirt with me or I hunt you down.

Oh, man, that's another 10. I love it. We're on a roll here. This is so good. You got one for me or do you want me to do the last one? Yeah, do the last one. Actually, I think I have two. I think, did I send you one?

Okay, but I'm going to do this one while I'm waiting. This is Frankie. Country girl living in the big city. Loves animals. Deal breakers. Must be 5'10 or taller. I'm 5'7 and wear heels. Spelled wrong.

Being too young. Sorry, I'm 32 and not looking for boys. If every pic of you is a group picture, nope. If you have a picture with another woman blurred out like it's an ex, seriously? Find another picture. Face palm. Yeah, I'm not, after the ones we've had, I'm not for this energy. This is a picture. Facepalm. Yeah, I'm not... After the ones we've had, I'm not for this energy.

This is a two. Get out of here. Yeah, it's like, cool, you're a country girl living in the big city. Wow, what a fresh original take. Loves animals. Wow, so illustrative. I can't believe I know so much about you. And then you complain for four fucking things. This is Jesus.

Probably Jesus, but don't be named Jesus if you don't want me to call you Jesus. After a long time of self-growth, I'm ready to ruin it all again. Looking to get some dates and have a hot girl summer. Or a romantic fall. And then it's like a thinking emoji. I am one-third indoor board games, anime, sci-fi, MCU, DCU. One-third outdoor social, dancing, drinking, and enjoying queer spaces, and one-third Venezuelan Latinx.

I love it. It's fucking 10 right there. Boom. I do love it. I think it's great. I don't think this man knows how fractions work. But like it's evocative more than factual and I get it. Yes, I

really enjoy it. Also, his pictures are fucking... You looking good? Yeah. Hell yeah. Go on, Jesus. Go on, Jesus. Okay, last one. Tina.

I'm very sick of pretending to be a cool laid-back girl so people want to date me. I'm insane. I'm literally balls-to-the-wall insane, and that is okay. Pussy is immaculate. Head game is otherworldly. I will treat you right and i will cry every day high risk high reward uh yes you did send this to me or someone sent it to me i sent it to you it's the thing like i want it to be a joke because i think it is very funny but

i know it's not that's my fear but at the same time would i roll the dice probably yeah i'd give it a shot it's a seven for me i think i would roll the dice on it so Yeah, I'd give it a shot. It's a seven for me. I think I would roll the dice on it. So I like, yeah, I would have to give it a seven because while I think there are enough red flags there, I think there's enough enough on the fucking hook for me to at least take a nibble. That's been our show. That's the show.

You've listened to it. And we couldn't be happier that you did. Thank you very much for hanging out with us it does mean the world i know we say it a lot and i know you think it might just be what we say at the end of every show but it really does mean the world to us that you've listened and you've hung out with us time is money and you've chosen to spend it with us yeah we love you guys so much and uh watch the space. We might have some news coming at some point. Some news. Some news.

Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harper's Cities for their song, Paper Stars. Why did you do it there? I felt like it. Okay. If you have a question, or just want to say, hey, that's also alright. We'd love to hear from you. You can hit us up at fbuddiespodcast.com

All of our social media is there. There's a contact form in which you can choose your own agent name. We'll keep it completely anonymous and answer your question as soon as we can on the show. Hell yeah. Ready for some bad sex right now? Yep. This is from Wattpad. This is Blood of the Unicorn by Shazia Muchlaka. I fell

back on my ass, which seemed flat and insignificant in compare to hers. She pulled her sword from out of her ass. She spoke. Luck, the whores we have been waiting for. She stood tall, maybe eight feet tall, and her titties swelled up in size like two wonderful water balloons. Her hair was sleek and purple, though naturally so. Her eyes were blue like diamonds, and there were great dick-sucking eyes, and she looked determined to recruit us. Welcome to Majestic Moonlight Falls. I am Shazia Muchlaka. Now strip, sluts, she said, determined.

Damn, dick sucking eyes, huh? That's powerful. Here's the thing. I hate it, but I also am like, all right, okay. It's one of the sexiest things or the sexier things that have been said in this segment. You know what? It's obviously quite outlandish but i feel like they're not trying as hard as most of the things we've read yeah i'm hoping there's like a little

a little glimpse of mischief in there like maybe they are the dirty rascal and they're presenting this to us the kings of the castle i mean i have a hard time believing that dave matthews doesn't have a hand in at least everything erotic. Hey, you know what we just read? It's a boy's dream. I'm Dane Matthews. And I'm Niall Dane. And we've been your fuck buddies.

Au revoir. Why are you French? Why do they say French in an Italian accent?