F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 15 - Lock N' Grind

Episode Date: January 7, 2019

New year, new pod!  Dain comes in hot with the best addition to the podcast since we started buying better whiskey!  Let's make this year of great sex and we're here to help you with everything you need to accomplish that.  Topics include mafioso MILF, the age gap, break-up recovery, and the ineffective stick and swirl. 

I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Niles Fan And we are your fuck buddies So, I think you know how this has to start and I'm Niles Payne and we are your fuck buddies so

I think you know how this has to start with our apology yeah it's been a year since we uploaded an episode I'm so sorry things got in the way

we never thought we'd get back to it but we managed to take some time and, uh, you know, see the world travel. We became friends again. Um, so a year later you're getting your next episode. Yeah. It's hard.

It's hard to tell, uh, listen to the episodes, but like the stress of it all caused some tension between Niall and I. So we just need to take a break. Yeah. Just the repeated sharp clangs in our ear as we cheersed every week. It drove us apart. But we've re-centered ourselves. Literally, we just re-centered the table.

Yep, it is squarely between our legs. And here we are again. So, actually, I guess the real way we should start off is let us know what's new. We promised some changes in the new year, so how have we changed the podcasting um well we we've painted the closet we made it bigger like we said last we did yeah um um i've got myself a hilarious don't fucking do it um dj soundboard so you can expect things like fart noises i've got some uh I've got, ooh, sad trombone. Yep, so... Is that sad

or just fucking spastic? Expect some of those things throughout the podcast. I'm just so happy that that's a thing now. I'm so glad I have alcohol in my hand Yeah Am I

Oh Fuck you I didn't mean to do that I almost just choked You fucker There was There was two options It was spray

Whiskey Across you and this microphone Or choke to death And uh You're the fucking worst Give me your phone You don't get it That soundboard's

Already paid off Oh god I'm done i'm out fuck my life oh man um i was gonna say uh that my new year's resolution is to not hold on to my glass for the entire podcast that i'm not constantly jangling my eyes around but i think my new resolution is to delete Delete and burn your phone? No, I'm going to use this soundboard, and I'm just going to let it choose the sounds that it wants to play.

Is there a random button? No, I just... I don't know how that happened. I guess I accidentally hit it with my thumb or something. Did you just fart? Is that the real thing? Oh, man. Because this closet is pretty small.

I will tell you, I ate a lot of chili today. I ate a lot of pokeballs today. Oh god. It was fucking great. It was so good. I felt so... Stop. I'm not... Well, guys, welcome to this shambles of a thing we call a podcast. We're now just like... What, was our fucking resolution to get worse this year? We're now just like budget Howard Stern. Yeah. I don't know. I assume he does sound effects or did sound effects. No, we're budget fuck buddies.

Which is a lesser version of ourselves. How was your New Year's? It was really lovely. I had a really good time. I had some people over some board games. I made a nice charcuterie board. I had made some candied jalapenos

Four weeks ago So I've been waiting to crack them open Which I did And they were fucking delightful I did eat most of them Because I'm a pig But whatever Yeah

It was pretty fun Pretty chill You know How about you? I was yours I knew you worked Which sucks I did work

Not to brag But I bartended Shawn Mendes' Private New Year's Eve party I don't know who the brag, but I bartended Shawn Mendes' private New Year's Eve party. I don't know who the fuck that is. I only know it because one of our best friends stunt doubled with him in one of his music videos. And that's literally the only reason why I know that. Okay.

What music video? I don't know. One of the ones. He gets stoned through a wall or something. That sounds fun. Yeah. Cool. So yeah, I did that that it was okay it was

goddamn chaos and but i made money so hey that's uh gotta get them dollar bills i'm on that grind do we settle for grind team uh i don't i don't know if we should i feel like we're oh yeah ripping off that's true like real hard we do try to stay so hard far away from the mafaroys as possible. So it's just going to be 2019, the year of good sex. Yeah. And good relationships. You're the sex tiger.

Ooh. What year is it? I don't know. Well, this is the longest we've not answered questions for. Let me get off that screen. You better fucking... No, because if it's a horse, and you're going to have the horse soundboard,

and that's all it's going to be. I don't think there's a horse sound about Chinese. Zodiac 2019. What are we at? Year of the Rat. It is. Ooh, is it something that says, like, Year of the Ram?

Fuck you so much. Does it ever end pig it's year of the pig you are fucking big get out so year of the pig get porking yeah bring home the bacon yeah do it piggy style oh uh yeah let's fucking ask a question all right we're here i think've forgotten. It's been a year. I know. Also, thank you for listening to the New Year's episode, guys. I hope you enjoyed it. And we love the feedback. And thank you for the questions, because I got a bunch of questions today.

This one comes from Reddit, user CollegeGuy7U. Okay. I'm 23, meeting up with a 52-year-old female married MILF for drinks and probably more. But husband doesn't know. She said her husband is gone half the year, halfway across the country, and her sexual needs aren't anywhere close to being met. I always veer from married women, but this woman is drop-dead sexy. Bad idea on my part? Yeah.

Yep. Yeah, that's a bad idea. Mm-hmm. That's... There's a bunch of reasons why I think That's a bad idea. That's, there's, there's a bunch of reasons why I think this is a bad idea. First, like,

non-monogamous relationships are fucking awesome and great. Like if he was down and you know, the wife had full agency to, Oh yeah, that's a totally different thing. Extra marital things. Like, great,

go for it. Who cares? But like, cheating on your partner is one of the shittiest things you could do. Yeah. And, like, being complicit and, like, knowing that you're doing that. Also, if the dude's gone half the year, I'm not entirely convinced he's not in the mob. Yeah.

Or, like, what does he do? Yeah, like, why is he not there? You're going to be sleeping with some fishes as well as a 56-year-old hot milf. Yeah. Probably not in that order. No. Maybe. I don't know.

Hey, whatever you're into. Maybe this is like some weird kink thing where she meets up with him. Owner. He, like, the husband kills this young. Dashing 23-year-old, probably very tall, very tall very thin kid yeah that's what i see in my head yeah and then and then she has sex with the dead body oh okay yeah that's fine if that's what's happening that's cool yeah that's totally okay yeah no i always think like put yourself in their shoes like you know both people's shoes and like you wouldn't want that in

your relationship so don't do that to somebody else's relationship you had a girlfriend and some 52 year old dude like if her professor starts fucking her you're gonna be pissed yeah and like also do they have like kids yeah do they have a whole family like yeah if she's lying to her husband there's a hundred percent like chance that she's probably also not telling you the full truth. Yeah, like, I don't know. Also, like, you don't even know if he's gone half the... She might just be in, like, you know, playing the sad violin. Yeah, that's fair.

Because that gives you a lot more, like, it's a lot less sketchy to be like, yo, he's gone six months, as opposed to, like, he's gone tomorrow. Are you looking for a fucking sound right now? Because that will kill you. I was looking for... Oh! This PSA is brought to you by 52-year-old Husbands Anonymous. Every half a year, one of our wives meets with a tall, skinny 23-year-old man.

It tears family apart. It tears love apart. It tears family apart. It tears love apart. It tears lives apart. Yeah, don't cheat on your partners and don't be complicit in cheating on partners. Yeah, like, it's not worth it. You can go sleep with somebody else, I'm sure. They're not the only person left alive.

And, like, just, like like there's no way this ends well no it's not gonna end well for anybody like and i'm pretty sure like getting fucked once is not really worth all that shit yeah especially when you could just go get sex elsewhere it's such bad karma how'd you meet this person that's what i want to know that's true too i want to know like the background like i i can almost guarantee you it's probably like online dating. Probably. Maybe it's a saucy teacher. Maybe it's a saucy hairdresser. I don't know.

Man, I think that's a fantasy of mine. Really? Yeah, like a hairdresser or I did actually ask at a hairdresser and then I proceeded to never go back to that place because she said no. I was asked out by a hairdresser multiple times. He wanted me to come hang out in his pool every single time I went there. And like he would literally like ignore people in the queue and just like bring me and sit me down and be like, you want to come hang out in my pool later?

And I was like, no, 60-year-old man, I do not. And he never stopped. And then once I sat down at some other chair and he got so angry. Yeah, no, the one I asked her was, she's a real babe. Yeah. That's fair. But, uh,

but I was like, I was really young. Like I think I was 19 when I did it. So I probably did not go about it the right way. Well, she was probably working at the time. So nope. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I don't even, I don't remember. Yeah. It was, that was almost, that was 10 years ago.

That's weird. No, it's not. know. I don't remember. Yeah. That was almost... That was 10 years ago. That's weird. No, it's not. That's not how time works. What? Because, like, I would... You know what I mean? I would have to be... I would be 29 if it was 10 years ago.

If I was 19. I'm just thinking it's 2019. And then... So it's more? It's more than 10 years. Yeah. That's what I thought. I like how you were like,

oh, no, that's not how time works. If you were relieved, it's worse. No, it's better. No, you're older. Yeah. So it's like 11 years. 12 years. It's even worse.

Why is it worse? Because, I don't know, it's more time. You sounded like shock that it was 10 years ago. Oh, no. So now it's like 12. No, I'm glad that I was younger. Oh, okay, that's good. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, wow, we're knocking it out of the park already i know but yeah just just don't be a dick like you can go have sex somewhere else and not maybe ruin someone's family or get the shit kicked out of you or get stabbed like you don't know when he's coming home like if i came home and someone was in bed with my wife i'd probably be pretty pissed yeah also just like just it's empathy man also are you from america because you will get shot yeah are you from ireland you'll get bottled like come on no 2019 year of empathy don't be a dick just care about people yeah just have sex somewhere else you'll be fine i'm sure yeah okay another question yeah

hit me with one all right i mean i'm already feeling my resolution because i'm holding my glass right now i know what like why do you do it like for for reference by the time we finish like recording dane's glass is completely empty i still have a giant ice cube in mind that's how often he holds his glass yeah it's weird uh pick one two or three three all right uh this is a listener submitted question it's gonna be agent virgil uh and they basically say that they're worried about the age difference they're 27 she's 21 they're only interested in sex, but they feel irresponsible. And they want to know what we think about that age gap. Man, that ain't nothing.

Yeah. I mean, even if you guys were like looking to, well, I mean, starting a relationship is different depending on like your relationship goals. Like if you want to start a family, like 21. I mean, it's only six years right it's just like it's one of those things where like um you know you you might not be ready to start a family by the time they are yeah like but those are all different questions and like if you're only interested in sex i think the important part to me of this question is like why they feel irresponsible i think that's the right flag yeah if both of them like it'd be one thing if do you know who's older?

Is the guy older? Guy's older. Yeah. It would be one thing if the guy felt irresponsible because he felt like he was taking advantage of a younger woman. Well, he is the one who feels irresponsible. Okay. And like, I understand that.

But like, she's an adult. Yeah. She's. I'm like, by 21, like you're consenting. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, here's the thing is like, there's, there's two factors. I can see this being an issue.

One, uh, you are taking advantage of her and you know, or, or like there's, there's a part of you that feels like you're being manipulative and that's like your inner voice guilt being like, maybe this isn't on the level, which I hope isn't the case. Or two, um, society has ingrained it in you that like you are too old for her, um, for whatever like metric you're measuring that by. And because of that, you feel guilty. Or what kind of sprang to my mind was that like, you haven't been clear enough about only wanting sex or you think that she wants more and like for me like i think if you're open like the age gap isn't weird if you're literally

like hey i'm only really interested in sex is that cool and she's like yeah then i don't see the issue yeah so i mean like by the question the way it was asked it seemed like that was that parameter had already been set. If it hadn't been set, then. All I know is that he says that's what he wants. Oh, yeah. They didn't tell me whether or not they discussed it. You 100% need to put those guidelines down and be like, I'm not looking for anything else.

Yeah. But, like, again, that's great because, like's how i met my girlfriend like oh yeah well we started our relationship very strictly like she just got out of a relationship i was still pretty messed up and we were just like we're into each other the sex is good let's just like let's just fuck and hang out it's one of the best situations because it's just like pure yeah you know like if you both know what you're looking for and you can actually like kick back and enjoy it like it is the best i feel like all the best relationships start that way or all the best situations are that way like even if it doesn't progress to anything like it is a pure good thing when you guys are just like legitimately having a lot of fun on a lot of sexy times

and you're both on the same page yeah it's the best if that if you haven't had that discussion have that discussion and be like hey super into you but i'm not looking for anything else i want this to just be sex if she's like great i'm down let's do it also set the i and here's something i learned from when i was doing this was um be like hey when things change tell me yeah because a lot of people uh end up holding it back because then they don't want to reveal or change things yeah but then like it just gets it poisons everything shitty because they're starting to feel jealous or you know whatever yeah and the longer they withhold that

the more bitter and shitty they get or the whole situation gets and then there's the inevitable explosion yeah so like and also on your side if change things change for you, you have to also tell. For sure. Yeah. On both sides. It's like, it's one of those things where it's just like, hey, let's, let's keep each other updated. And even if it's something as simple as being like, I saw you on Instagram with another

girl and that kind of made me a little jealous. And here's why. You know what I mean? Like that open conversation, especially when you're in like a, just a strictly non-monogamous sexual relationship is super healthy because then you can address those issues yeah um and you learn so much about yourself you learn so much about like what's important to you yeah and why you feel the way you feel because you don't like because you're not allowed to feel those ways technically because

you're in an like a situation where you're allowed to see other people so if you feel jealous like there's a reason for that as opposed to like if you're like in a committed relationship then they've broken the rules or they've whatever like depending on the situation but like it's it is kind of like refreshing to be in a situation where you're feeling a thing but like you can't be like well what the fuck because you don't really have the right yeah so you can sit back and examine that and hopefully move on and learn from why you're feeling those things. Because the less jealous and possessive you become, the better you're going to be at all relationships. Yeah, even if it's not pertinent to that relationship, it will be helpful later on down the line. When you are in a committed relationship.

Jesus, fuck. Your soundboard has really weird sounds on it. I know, that's the one that sounds like my phone falling is it good yeah it's fine okay um yeah you know i mean like it's going to be important later on when you can be like i'm jealous but i don't have to be like i yeah me my my knee jerk reaction here is to be jealous but because i've dealt with this earlier in a sort of like a little more stress-free environment i know how to process this and i know that like just because you're taking a picture of a female co-worker and yourself you could just be hanging out and you probably just are hanging out because we are together and i trust you yeah or if you're

not like exclusive then they're allowed to do that you're not allowed to be annoyed yeah so you still need to move on and honestly the better you are dealing with that the better you will be yeah so i would say take a second and like examine your relationship and if you feel like you're being manipulative and that's the reason why you're feeling guilty uh stop or address it yeah um like be open with them and if they're still down like then don't feel bad about it like even like i don't know if you're still age is such a non-issue it's yeah well i mean yeah obviously like legal consent and like that kind of stuff yeah but once you like are past a certain like once you're past 20 yeah like it doesn't really matter no especially just had that question about 23 year old and a 56 year old yeah like it's what like six year age cap that's yeah it's

nothing fucking nothing yeah and like you could have a super mature 21 year old and a super immature 27 year old or the opposite which might be also a reason for yeah you know um and the other thing is like hopefully i mean listening to this podcast and, you know, asking questions and, you know, you seem to have some sort of like sexual intelligence, you can sort of like help shape someone's sexual experience and like put them on a good path, because I mean, like I benefited greatly from my first couple sexual partners were very sexually intelligent and very open and very like here's here's our relationship and this is what we are yeah um and it that's the thing you learn from my entire life yeah and it's it's always nice when you come out of a like whether it's a fuck buddy situation or like a dating or like a one-night stand or anything and like when you come out of that positively and like you guys are still in positive terms and you can always look back and be like oh that was really a nice thing that's fucking awesome so i guess just got to be clear with them and if you're worried they're not a hundred percent on the up and up like if you

think they're just agreeing like you know if you've talked to them and you've been open and they've agreed like just take them at their word because everybody should give their you know yeah they should be honest about these things and like if they're not that's kind of a damn problem you know what i mean unless you have like massive amounts of reason it could just be you worrying right but i mean yeah that's the thing it's like if you if your like alarms are going off listen to those as well and be like yeah but meet them in the middle like make sure you're not like panicking or overthinking it just because because like i think we've all done that and oh for sure also don't just ignore massive signs either and just go have some awesome sex yeah yeah and then like yeah if you feel like

it's not working out just call it off yeah but i mean yeah like i when i was sort of like on the upward swing of like my shitty period um i slept with like a a girl who was what do you like do you need really funny phrasing you know what else the funny phrasing speaking of shitty periods uh um yeah i was i was sleeping with a woman who was i probably like five or six years older than me and like it was great yeah it was it was so nice to be with someone who wasn't like tied up in their own bullshit like she kind of had her own shit together and yeah and you know me like had a good head on our shoulders so like yeah i hope it's sick for her she's probably sick like 20 year old dudes and 21 year old guys so like you could be that beacon of hope who's like

they catch that beautiful glimpse of the future and And then later on, they'll like be like, Hey, I remember how that person acted. I had to be like that. My next thing. Yeah. Yeah. Step forth.

Make a good example. Yeah. You've got it. You've got a really good opportunity here to, you only got one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow. Ah, like orgasm.

Yeah. Um, yeah, I would, I would take this as a, as a chance to sort of like be open, teach good habits, um, have great sex I would take this as a, as a chance to sort of like be open, teach good habits, um, have great sex and see what happens.

Don't, don't block yourself off from opportunity. And don't be afraid to end it. Either one of you, if the situation doesn't match what you want or need, because again, there's a million people out there. And again, if it's a straight up age thing, like, fuck it. Don't worry about it. No, you're just fine. Yeah.

All right. here we go. Okay. Keeps opening to the soundboard. Fuck that. Well, speaking of ending it. Oh, no. This is a... Please don't.

Yep. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, you and I. We just broke up. We're back together now. It's true. It's been a year. It's been a tough year.

This comes from a listener, and her name, or she wanted to be called, Agent Pineapple. And I don't know why. You don't get to choose. You're Agent Breadboard. No. After this question, I think you'll agree she gets to choose. Okay. I like to put pineapples up my butt.

How do you get over a breakup? My relationship of over four years just imploded when I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. I want to stop thinking about it. But don't fuck him. I want to stop thinking about it and move on. But it's just so hard to not look him up or them up on Instagram and Facebook. And every time I do, I feel sick and worthless. Well, the only worthless people are the cheating people in this situation.

So, fuck him. But don't fuck him. Okay, everybody gets over relationships differently. So, that's important. So, you kind of hopefully have an idea what you're at. But maybe you don't. And I think, like, the most important thing is to like take a breath and like slow down and do good things because it's very easy to want to jump out

and run and go and party and be free and drink a lot because alcohol, a lot of people turn to it and it's very tempting. It's not necessarily healthy because when you're not in a good mindset and you get drunk, you're usually not a great drunk healthy because when you're not in a good mindset and you get drunk, you're usually not a great drunk. And when you're miserable and hungover and you have the fear, you're probably not going to be a very good mindset, which is going to make things worse the next day. If on the other hand, you like take a bit of time and you go jogging and you like read a book and you drink some tea and you cook and you like reconnect with your friends because

there's always going to be time spent with your partner that you weren't spending as much with your friends and like surround yourself with the things you love the people you love and like make sure you're good you know that's not to say you shouldn't get out there and start dating because for some people that's fucking great like I definitely like to get out there pretty quickly after a breakup and I think it works very. I know people who don't for a while and that works really well for them. So do what you feel you need to, like, don't run out there and start hooking up with people because you feel you have to, because if you don't want to, that's going to suck. But also don't feel like you need to take all this time because if you don't want to, that's going to suck. So be very aware of what your needs are and don't worry about

how other people, the irony of me telling you what to do is to not worry about what people are telling you to do. But, uh, I do feel like self-care is very important. Uh, try stay away from fucking block them on Instagram and Facebook cause they cheated on you. So fuck it. Yeah. I mean, if you can't, uh, stop yourself from doing it like i i have pretty good self-restraint with that kind of shit like i'm i still have all my exes on facebook and granted like i patched up um like my my furthest my my oldest um like we came to like a civil, um, you know, understanding and stuff. Jesus. Um, but like even, even my last relationship where like, I haven't really talked to her

since we broke up, but like I still run Instagram and Facebook just because I don't know. I felt like I was like, I'm not going to be that petty person who deletes you. Yeah. But if it ends really badly, like, I don't think you have to worry about that. No, for sure. And like, if you, if you need to do that to like get your mind right do it also like i think it's pretty much standard practice like i don't think you're weird for doing it i think it's more like it's rarer that people don't yeah i'm like either way it's fine if you want to keep them that's cool but like if you feel

shitty and worthless looking at their page just like get rid of it yeah and there's nothing worse than being like like trying to get over a breakup because facebook has the uncanny ability to be hey remember this happy time last year you don't have anymore it's not even that it's just like this person just checked in with this girl yeah you know what i mean and like it will always pop up at the worst fucking time because that's just facebook's yeah you know weird kink but also remember two things about instagram and facebook is one everyone's lying about how happy they are constantly. But secondly, when you're out of a relationship and you're miserable and things didn't end well with someone, a lot of people are very specifically being like, Hey, look,

I'm with this girl. Yeah. Like, look, look at this girl. Look, look at this place. I'm at like, not only are they generally performative, but they're specifically tailored to probably make you feel like shit or to at least make them look really good, which makes you feel like shit yeah or to at least make them look really good which makes you feel like shit yeah so like just remember those things you know when it looks like he's having the time of his life with whoever maybe they're not even hooking up maybe it's just a friend maybe someone at a bar and he pulled out his phone i literally know a girl who went and did that she went out and night out found all these super hot guys and took pictures with them most of them were like who are you what has happened and then they just do that automatic smile when the camera comes out

they start posting up all these stories about i'm like what do you you didn't even like talk to any of these guys like yeah but they're hot i was like okay so i'm sure whoever the guy that was angled towards was like god damn it yeah but like she just ran around trying to be i don't know trying to take pictures of dudes and that was it Yeah. Back on your point of like doing what's good for you. Don't don't go and fuck people as a way to get back at him. Yeah. Because if you're if you're fucking if you want to fuck, go for it. Like if you if you need to sort of like just get it out of your system. Great. Go but like don't do it as a way to like punish him or get back at him or like justify to yourself that you're you know still fuckable you know what i mean because like well that's when that's when things get real fucking toxic and like that's the kind of hole that i kind of fell down yeah well that was i think like what i was saying with the like don't do what you don't want to do yeah like you feel like you have to you feel like you should. Like it's a hard call to ignore because, you know, you have some.

But the thing is, they're not there. They don't know. You're not proving anything to anybody. You're just doing a thing you don't want to do. You're hopping in bed with this guy. You're probably not going to enjoy. And then you're going to feel like shit. And that's going to deepen the hole that you're in.

Exactly. Again, unless you want to, which in which case, fucking. Yeah, case fucking yeah great it's awesome yeah and it is a great way to get over people but only if it's coming from a good place that makes any sense yeah um and like what got me out of my like post-breakup funk was like you said like i i just got really good friends um i felt and it's very easy to feel very alone and very like rejected and stuff um but once you sort of like you know splash some cold water on your face and take a look around and realize that you do have some really good friends who are actually out there like supporting you and you're just too busy like wallowing in self-pity to sort of see that once

you kind of like open up to that and let them in because like the first thing anyone does when they get hurt is put up barriers and walls and yeah and shield themselves you know i mean it's rare that people get hurt and like open up allow themselves to be more vulnerable to let people in you know i mean because like um but fuck i mean it changed my life like it's how i became friends with you it's how i became friends with like i i had same with me actually because at the time i'd just gone through a fucking horrific breakup as well all right so Like it's how I became friends with you. It's how I became friends with like, I, I had the same with me actually. Cause at the time I'd just gone through a fucking horrific breakup as well. Right.

So, um, and it was like, it was, it was one of those things where I, I found love, uh, in,

in like camaraderie in a hopeless place. Um, in like camaraderie and friendship. And like, that is, that is when i loved again after romantic and like and you know what i mean like that kind of love where it was like um and through that i like i fell in love with myself again i i was the most me version of me that i've been

since then you know what i mean like i i sort of like i really do believe that every breakup you go through you find out who you are a little bit more as as shitty as that sounds insinuating that like you're not yourself in a relationship well no it's like any bad thing that happens to you you learn a bit more about yourself right or anything in general obviously but like i feel like you have this big part of your life torn away and you need to build, you need to fix, you need to put something there. Right. And you can fill it with alcohol and wallowing and, you know, copious amounts of Netflix.

And, you know, in moderation, those three things can be fine. But like, you do need to fill that gap and it's your choice whether you fill it with bad things or good things. And you can be like, reach out to your friends. You can like build your, I think you need to take that time to build yourself and like look at the positives you now have a lot more time than you previously had i'm sure and like people don't often have a lot of time you know what i mean like it's almost like getting a surprise week off work and you can be like oh cool what am i gonna do you have extra time like go join a club

like go start a hobby you know what i mean go climbing go knitting go like surfboarding like whatever you've wanted to do like take it as a moment to like build yourself working yourself and like do a thing you've wanted to do maybe go fucking travel right yeah maybe you always want to travel but he never did or you never time or whatever, like take it as a, like an opportunity to do something positive and not an opportunity to just be miserable. Yeah. And, and let people like let people in. Yeah. And like, that's like, that's the thing that I really want to stress. Cause like, that is what saved my life, um, was, uh, learning to sort of like put my walls down and like, I was still very guarded. Like when I started dating my girlfriend, uh, learning to sort of like put my walls down and like, I was still very guarded. Like when I started dating my girlfriend, uh, when we first started, I was a hundred percent had walls up. Um,

but I was, I was able to sort of like break those down with the help of my friends. You know what I mean? It was like, um, I had my walls up around me and my friends and my friends were then like giving me the sledgehammer from the other side. Um even when you had your walls up you were still like a very kind and loving individual to like you're you know the person you were seeing like it was a very healthy like that's the thing i'm just saying like a lot of people this is a total side point just a lot of people when they put their walls up they are terrible to people they feel like they can't be nice at all they feel like they any kind of affection or any whatever it's like that's for me the worst thing to see is that like you've let a relationship affect you and now it's like even any kind of kind concession to someone is like you something you can't do and

like that's awful yeah if you if you're going to start new relationships whether they're romantic or sexual or platonic friendships um if you're going to keep people at arm's reach don't bother no it's gonna be like take take the time to sort out reach don't bother no you know what i mean like take take the time to sort out your own shit and and you know figure out what you need to do to get in a good place um because it's it's unfair to yourself and to the other people if you're if you're just going to sort of be like yeah i'll let you in but like kind of you know what i mean it's like you can be on my property but i'm not opening the door for you yeah um if you're not willing to open the door don't start a new relationship of any sort yeah um and it's like you can be on my property, but I'm not opening the door for you. Yeah. If you're not willing to open the door, don't start a new relationship of any sort. Yeah.

And it's fine. Like, it's safer to let your friends in than it is to, like, let a new romantic or sexual partner in. So, baby steps. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just, you know, like Pitbull says, turn negative to a positive. Is that a Pitbull thing? I think so.

Okay. Mr. Worldwide. Yeah. All right. Next question. Yeah. What do you say to a guy who locks eyes with you and asks if he's too small mid-fuck? Or says, sorry, I think I'm too small mid-fuck.

Hmm. Just stops, looks you in the eye. I think I'm too small. Mid-fuck. Hmm. Just stops. Looks you in the eye. I think I'm too small. Yeah, I mean, I was going to say, like, maybe it's a position thing, and, like... We'll get to that. Is this a listener question? Oh, yeah, sorry. This is by Agent Please Don't Name Me.

Because, like, it's one thing if, like, you know, know not everyone's huge and if you're with a girl who's got like a giant ass like and doggy style like sometimes or like you know uh on the side i don't know what that's called but um like spoon position like sometimes it just doesn't work um and that's okay yeah but like if you're a missionary and you're just like going to town and then you you've decided like mid-fuck you let's just say there's a time and a place and for any guys listening that is neither yeah that's that's just like no like we get it everyone feels that way at some point yeah for a reason or without but again like i could get it like if it was if it was like you try a position you're like

oh sorry i don't like i'm you know what i mean like just in heat of the moment you're not thinking but that's not what happened no it wasn't like they were trying something he was like oh look honestly i don't think it'll work that's a different situation right he literally was midway through do we know what position we'll get to that but it's so important it isn't in a sense because she asked the general question was what do you do when someone does that which could happen at any point and i think there's nothing you can really do apart from be like no you're fine but you can't be like yep yeah because that that's well um also i just think in general that's whatever i think that is a prime time to me i don't know it's it's not a good time for anything but it is maybe a jumping off point to fixing like if something isn't working because okay i'll get

on to the more details the second that i was told that i was in company and someone of course went what was it and her answer was that like that wasn't like she didn't say yes or no but she did say that there was a different problem and that problem was that he would well fucking he would just insert himself fully into her and then gyrate he wouldn't thrust he would just like stir her like she was hot soup and he was a cold spoon and that was it um no in and out just you know why that because he once heard the it's the motion of the ocean no fucking saying um there is fuck i don't one there's a movie um where the main character has a micro penis and that's what the wife is always telling him to do um so like he might have seen that and two it's it's a pretty

common thing where like um i've seen it all the time on the fucking sex subreddit on and like people are just like i think i'm too small and people always be like oh don't don't focus on like insert like penetration like uh like in and out sort of motion it's like it's the vaginal walls that have sensation so like just try to stimulate those so i think it's i think it's just bad advice okay she was just like she she would just be like well i don't feel anything and this is super awkward and weird and that would be his go-to move i think it's just i think someone gave him bad advice and he was using the tools that were in his toolbox maybe like i think a bit of hip movement sure there's nothing wrong with that i don't think it should be just hip movement you're not a spoon she's not hot soup yeah like yeah so she like and i think either he was very insecure and maybe that's

where he goes vice actually kind of adds up yeah but i'm guessing that he could sense that things weren't going very well and his like reason like he was like oh it's because i'm not that big at which point she was saying like that if he had just been like you know thrusting a little bit and like doing that that it wouldn't have been an issue um and I guess yeah like it's a shitty time for it but you could at that point then be like no uh however like this isn't really working for me can you try this and I do think from the girl's point of view it's an easier way to be like not you should do this or you're doing this wrong, but just be like, hey, I like because then it makes it about you, not about them. Yeah.

So if you're like, I would like this or I just like this, you know what I mean? It'll take it away from like him fucking up or him not doing the right thing. And it'll make it more like it's a preference for you. I'll be less likely to just, you know, be really shitty and upset yeah and like wounded ego um some actual sex advice for guys with smaller penises it's all about the position yeah get the legs out of the way get the legs up you know anyone who's like got any sort of like spatial awareness understands that like if there's something in the way yeah of you pushing forward get them out of the way yeah so like get the legs like up and over your shoulders

or even like further yeah flexible if they're flexible you're gonna feel bigger yeah um and that way like the the hips aren't stopping your hips from getting in like ideally what you should be trying to do is get your hips touching their ass yeah um because that way you're getting full um like you're maximizing every inch don't just lock and gyrate no i mean like you can also the most sensitive parts of vagina are the first bits so like that's the thing yeah it's like no woman in the world gets pumped about having their cervix fucking smashed yeah you know what i mean like that's not what anyone wants yeah um so don't worry about fucking that um also you got fucking hands you got fingers stimulate the clit exactly like if if you were doing that i don't think she would have like you wouldn't have she wouldn't

have been there for you to talk to because she'd be in her own little pleasure world and you wouldn't be you'd be like hey excuse me like she'd be like sorry i'm too busy having fun and you'd be like well does it matter no because it doesn't yeah also but also like it's just not the time or the place man like sure be insecure that's fine we all are at a lot of different points about a lot of different things especially your dick and especially sex like we all go through that but like you're putting her in a shit position you're putting yourself in a shit position and you've also just no matter how well or whatever that sex was going, you've ruined it now.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. There's no coming back from that. Like you don't, you don't drop real talk in the middle of what should be real fun. But also apparently every time he came, he yelled fucking bitch,

which is, are you kidding me? Oh yeah. No, seriously. That's terrifying. I hope he also just locks eyes when he does that. And when I say,

I hope, I mean, I don't think he does. Cause she literally, I hope he also just locks eyes when he does that. And when I say I hope, I mean... I don't think he does because she literally, I was like, every time, I was like, that's super weird. And she said, I don't think he knows he does it. That's even scarier. I know. It's terrifying to me. How many times has she slept with this guy?

Four. That's what makes me so sad. That's like the most recent time he's done that, though? Oh, every time. No, no, no. I mean, the small small penis question i think that happened first or second time wow i know it just makes me really sad because like this isn't the first time i've heard something like this and it just makes me realize like the shit women have to go through because i have all those things to say like i know but But, like, it's really sad that, like, guys are so shit that this is just kind of like a, okay, I'll put up with it, I guess, for a little bit.

We'll see. Like, I'm sorry, women. Yeah. But, yeah, just don't do that. Yeah, like, embrace your size and find out what works for you. And apparently you weren't that bad anyway, size-wise. So, like, you're fine. Also, if she slept with you again like problem solved like

not necessarily because clearly problem wasn't solved because you never got better at sex true but obviously it's not fucking deal breaker so just get better at sex speaking of shitty guys or shitty sex writing oh we got a double header yeah i Yeah, I forgot about shitty section. Let me get comfortable. You know what? I think this is the last one. Oh, we can find some more. Oh, I will find some more. I will say for reference, at least two of the ones I'm reading, including the one I'm about to read, are on the bestsellers list

and, like, the most coveted books for Christmas. So what the fuck is going on in the publishing industry is all I can say. Also, why are we not writing erotica? Let's do it. You're wasting your fucking time. Let's do it. Writing fantasy novels and sci-fi novels. Yeah, we should definitely write a fucking erotic novel.

You know what? If we get enough traction from people, I know you're prepping that, you motherfucker. If we get enough traction from people online, we will write an erotica. Hell yeah, we will. Yeah. And we'll even, you can pick the subject. Ooh.

It'll be like improv. I named the characters. Yeah. It'll be like, give us a place. Yeah. Every week you can, it'll be great. Okay. You ready?

We'll start a Tumblr. Sure. We'll write a chapter. Every week. Yeah. With suggestions. Cool. Cool. Based? We'll start a Tumblr. Sure. We'll write a chapter. Every week. Yeah, with suggestions. Cool. Based on things that happened in the episode. Yeah.

So this is Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami. This is in the top bestsellers. Okay. Like, I saw this book. I saw hundreds of this book in Indigo when I was shopping for Christmas. I almost bought it for you. You ready for this?

Yep. Oh, no it for you. You ready for this? Yep. Oh, no, hold on. Okay. My ejaculation was violent. Oh, God. Well, we'll save the rest for next week. No, keep going. I'm almost there.

My ejaculation was violent and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheet sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out. Yuzu slept deeply through it all, making a sound her breathing even her sex though had contracted around mine and would not let go as if it had an unshakable will of its own and was determined to wring every last drop from my body what the fuck it was fucking a sleeping woman apparently it's fucked i i literally don't know and i've read it a million times to try and

figure out some other way of like interpreting it no this is 100 rape yeah what the fuck and this is in the novel and this is meant to be sexy he's like oh i'm worried i'll be emptied out worry about the fact that you're fucking raping someone you piece of shit like i don't know i'm hoping it's a weird dream sequence or something that i don't know it's like a part just before it where she's like hey i'm gonna fall asleep i'm gonna take all these sleeping pills and i want you to have sex with me or yuzu is the roommate and her sex is her friend's name yeah that's probably it i'm gonna go with that's it because I can't live in a world where this is... I wasn't even going to read this one because it's fucking disgusting, but I figured it's the worst one for many reasons.

Man, I was going to joke about cumming and now I not because you've reversed cumming. Also, how much fucking cum? Overflowing her vagina again and again violent and repeated like dude i know it started so well did it yeah i think that's them all though and i'm sorry because that was awful so you were gonna say a thing uh i was gonna say thanks for listening oh you're welcome um if you have any questions uh much like the ones we answered today, or sexier, dirtier, dirtier questions, dirty 2019, you can email us at fbuddiespodcast.gmail.com. You can reach out to us on Twitter for the entire world to see at fck underscore buddies, or you can join our Facebook group. You can find us at facebook.com

fck buddies podcast thank you 2018 for having us and 2019 for recently accepting us thank you josh eagle in the harvard cities and for their song the paper stars we did it yeah well guys again like obviously wasn't a full year but 2018 was the first time well obviously we started this and it's been like we didn't really know what was going to happen uh i guess we still don't but uh it's been really great everyone who's been listening like i don't know if you know how much we appreciate it it's a lot everyone who sent in questions i don't know how much you know we appreciate it it's a lot it's just everyone we really appreciate it so hopefully you're enjoying it as much as we are

because you know it's a fun excuse to go hang out with Dane yeah if you need a resolution for this year make it turn on a couple people onto our podcast yeah that would actually be really good because again like we seem to have like a really strong core listenership and if you're one of those people you are the fucking best

like you again you don't know how much however we need new people really strong core listenership. And if you're one of those people, you are the fucking best. We love you. Uh, like you, again, you don't know how much, however, we need new people as well. Right. We need there.

Like, I feel like you guys know what's up. Yeah. And we need to get the unwashed, unwashed masses in here and, and clean them up, scrub them down and send them back into the world. Well,

that is actually like one of the funny things is like all the people I know who listen are like very well adjusted. And I'm like, God god damn it we're not helping any of you people yeah we don't need you i mean we do we do we do please don't leave us but you need to and even if they're well adjusted that's cool because then you'll be able to share fun jokes about unclean buttholes and i don't know yeah or we take the people who are well adjusted get them to fuck people who aren't and then you get to teach those people. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

We're like- 20 Converge STD. Ugh. Just passing it from one sexual partner to another. Okay. Things got not sexy. All right, speaking of not sexy, you know what time it is. It's time for Dan.

What time is it, people? Dan time. What time is it, people? Dan time. When do we want it? What? It's his cough. Why'd that sound exactly like me coughing? I don't know. That was creepy. Oh wait, which one was it? I don't know. Boy, this is, this is a real drag, isn't it? Dan says, if she stays loyal after the breakup,

she's the one. True or false? What? True. Shut the fuck up, Dan. Like, that doesn't even make... Just, no. Hey, guys.

I don't want to brag, but... Oh? Your boy's got some ice in his drink. That means I wasn't holding it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Ice battle. I still got more. Oh, nope.

Okay, guys. I'm out of here. Bye. My name is Dean Miller. Bye. He's now space. Oh, Jesus. And we're your fuck buddies.