F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 154 - Gone Girl 2: Gone Harder

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

This may be our last episode as Dain travels to some non-descript farm in the rural mid-west to solve the biggest mystery of his life.  Topics include recommendations and warnings for dating/self-help books, when to warn your partner of embarrassing acne, Gone Girl levels of ghosting and another impressive batch of dating profiles.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners on the topics of sex and dating. We answer them for you. I don't have anything to talk about in the opening. Do you have anything? I just want to thank all of our patrons for being amazing. Everyone who's on Patreon, you're legends. We get another pillow talk in the opening. Do you have anything? I just want to thank all of our patrons for being amazing. Everyone who's on Patreon, you're legends. We get another pillow talk in the works. It'll be out the end of the month. We appreciate

the support just so much because, you know, it lets us do this. I know I probably say this a lot, but I don't think we can thank you too much. So, so there. Yeah. So there. And as always, hit us up on our website or our social medias if you want to get in contact with us. If you don't know what the hell we're talking about, we have recently started a Patreon, which is a platform which you can pledge a little bit of money every month and you receive special bonuses.

So we have three tiers. The first tier is for $3. That just lets us know that you support the show. And it is super welcomed. And we thank you greatly for it. If you go up to the next tier, it is $7. And you get access to... Well, first, you let us know that you love the show. You support us.

But you also get access to a monthly episode of a new podcast that Niall and I do called Pillow Talk. And you get that once a month. At the end of every month, you get a bonus episode of us as a way to say thank you. And then the next tier above that is 1350. And with that, you get access to Pillow Talk. You also get access to a priority question queue. So if you have a question and you're a member of this tier, when you send in a question, it goes to the top of the line, and we will answer it before any other ones. So that is a great thing to do if you have lots of questions.

There is also a very secret higher tier. I'm not going to talk about it. No, we're never going to talk about it until the one fated day. Yeah, until some lunatic does it. But yeah, we appreciate all the support and thank you. All right, you ready? Yep. Speaking of audience questions, one of our best, this is Agent Freedom Eagle.

And they're coming in hot with a two-parter. Part one. I recently came across a recommendation for a book called How to Not Die Alone with this excerpt. And there's an excerpt. I haven't dated for a while, so I'm not sure if a book like this would help. While I read self-development books, I haven't read any when it comes to dating and or romantic relationships.

Have either of you read this book and do you think it's worth looking into? Now, I haven't read the book. It's How Not to Die Alone by Logan Urie. Yeah, I also haven't read the book. It's How Not to Die Alone by Logan Urie. Yeah, I also haven't read the book. So I can't say anything for the subject matter. But I'm hoping the How Not to Die Alone is tongue-in-cheek and therefore hints at the fact that the book will be less rigid and a little more sarcastic and a little more on the lighter

side of things and on the flip side i'm really hoping it's not an actual book that's like hey follow these steps and you will not die alone because i feel like that might be not a great start so i read the the excerpt is basically, it's like titled that basically like the spark is like your biggest nemesis while dating. And it basically goes through like three things. It's like when you meet the right person, you'll feel instant fireworks. That's a myth. The spark isn't always a good thing. And also that if you have a spark, it doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is viable, which I don't necessarily agree with.

Like we've talked about before where I don't disagree with necessarily because we've talked before about how like, yeah, you'll see someone and you'll find them attractive. But it's when you really get to know them that you'll either find them more attractive or less attractive. A hundred percent. We I think we all know that like you can find someone attractive and then they can also not be great, you know? Yeah, yeah. So the spark is not always a good thing, you know, necessarily. And thirdly, that like, yeah, you can't base a relationship around just this like, you know, you might have really good chemistry. But if you guys don't gel and if you're not in the same wavelength, if you't treat each other well that relationship isn't viable so like i don't disagree with any of the things they're saying but i also don't think

any of them are very they're not really breaking the mold here like we know these things right well i don't know like i don't think a lot of people do i mean if you live as our show yeah you probably you've heard us talk about this concept but i think there are still a lot of people out there who who still do believe that it's you know when the right person walks into the room time is going to slow down and like a faith hill song is going to start playing and there'll be like flower petals breezing through the air and the focus will get a little softer like i think people still do have that connotation that like when they meet quote unquote the one and this is not jet lee the then like you know what i mean like there isn't really a moment where the person you're supposed to be with for the rest of your life is going to stop time

and i'm not saying that it's impossible you know what i mean it kind of is and i think that like and like love at first sight i think is is bullshit and I think that, like, love at first sight, I think, is bullshit. And I think anyone who believes it ever happened, it's like, you might have gotten lucky, but, like, you don't know someone by looking at them, right? So if you got love at first sight and they ended up being great, cool, you got lucky. Because you literally cannot discern someone's fucking personality by looking at them. If you could, the world would be very different you know not fully you don't you don't like delve the depths right you can get a very surface level idea unless it's racist steve who walks in with a super racist t-shirt and a kkk hood on you know

what yeah there's some people throw out enough but you still don't know everything you know steve could be a lovely man really loves animals he might have depths they might be even shittier depths you never know so like just flat out yeah i guess you're right and also i love how me saying like we know these things is also a self-burn on us because we we i just said we talked about them before so you're right it's not saying the wrong things i definitely have nothing to criticize in that excerpt i don't know enough about it whether to recommend it or not the other thing is i don't think there's anything i don't think there's any harm in reading books what you need to like if you're going to read self-help books especially ones when it comes to dating you need to have it with a grain of salt you need to

be able to filter it through what you know is true and what you believe is a core value of how you want to date and strain the information and the knowledge that they're imparting through that because there might be things in there that like maybe they encourage like oh you like sleep with people on the first date that's like the best way to do it If that's not something you're comfortable with, then you don't have to follow these steps. But every now and then, you might read a whole book and get one page worth of something that really resonates with

you. And that's true about any sort of advice. Even with us, we give advice that we think is good, obviously, but not everything is going to resonate with every person so maybe you know one every five episodes you get something that really sort of clicks with you and opens a door for you and you're like oh oh okay yeah that makes sense and i think you have to approach

self-help in that fashion of just being like i can't take every word that every person says to me as gospel and that's the thing especially with sex and dating it's like there is no like instruction manual there is no one true way everybody's only vaguely qualified you know what i mean like they're people can be decent in the field but i think that's about as good as you can get you know what i mean like there is no like secret code, right? Which is why we hate pickup artistry so much because it purports to give this like surefire way and follow these steps.

And it's like, yeah, that's not how it works. So yeah, I don't think there's a harm in reading it. If you know that one, like I know you have a good head on your shoulders, so I don't doubt that you'll be able to read this and like figure out which

bits are helpful and which bits aren't. You know what I mean? And if you're ever unclear, you can send them in to us and we'll see what we think of them. Yeah, I don't think there's any harm. You know, read it. See what see what it says. You know, maybe pull out of the library. So you have to burn money on it in case it's not good.

And just like don't if there's something you disagree with, don't immediately be like, well, I should agree. You know, think about why you disagree. Think about what they're saying and like, try to find the right path between the two because what they're right isn't gospel it's not like we're not fucking geniuses it's not like we have the whole thing figured out i like to think we have a decent you know set of heads on our respective shoulders and i like think that we give out positive and hopefully helpful advice but you know we can only do so much and there's times where we're going to be wrong so and there's gonna be times where we're gonna be right for some people and wrong for others exactly like it's that's just life unfortunately like advice we try to keep things as broad enough and there have been tons of times where we're like with the information we're given this is how we're going to recommend it but like there's so many variables and so many personalities that differ from person to person to

person to situation to situation that like obviously the things that we recommend, while you might come across a situation that's similar to yours on the podcast, there could be a small tweak that's different and we would give completely different advice if that wasn't there. So yeah, like keep yourself open and fluid and willing to accept new information,

but at the same time, being able to filter out the things that don't gel with your core values and the things that like, you know, wouldn't work for you. Now, the second part of this question is, are there any books on the subject matter you like and would recommend? And I also don't have a recommendation here. I haven't really read any sex and dating advice books. So the one I would recommend is

The Ethical Slut. And while it's predominantly for people who want to get into polyamory and non-monogamous relationships and that sort of sphere of the dating world, I think there's a lot in there that addresses insecurities and jealousy and negotiating multiple partners and stuff. And I think it's a really good book for pretty much everyone. Even if you have no intention to ever dabble in non-monogamy or polyamory, it's a great way to sort of flush a lot of your toxic and socialized preconceptions of what it means to be a good sexual partner. Because a good non-monogamous partner is a good partner, right? Like you can remove the polyamory,

you can remove the non-monogamous and you're still a good partner. So removing sort of the biases that we have based on, you know, monogamy and things that we've learned through movies and culture and yada yada, being able to free yourself from a lot of that baggage is always going to be beneficial. All right. Well, hopefully that helped pick up the ethical slut. And by that, I don't mean Dane. And let us know if there's any tidbits of wisdom that you agree with or don't. Feel free to send them in and we'll throw our respective heads at it. I would also be very careful about Googling recommendations for dating books unless you're willing to also check into who's recommending them.

Because you could look for what looks like a great list of books, but it could be from someone from like the pickup artist community. And that's going to be a waste of your time or they could be you know men's rights activists or you know any number of like toxic communities or communities that have a very skewed perception of things so if you are going to look up lists online, do a quick deep dive on either the website that's recommending them or if you can, the author that's recommending them. Just to get a little bit of backside on who they are and why they might be recommending them. Yep, 100%. And best of luck out there.

You're awesome, so I have zero doubts that you will do great. Yep. This comes from oh t deep in soju okay and they say how should i a 22 year old female tell my date a 23 year old male about my skin issue so just my legs and butt mostly i have really bad acne scars and the acne is still ongoing even if i'm getting it treated little squiggly mo face. I'm deeply insecure about the scars and acne as well. I'm afraid to get naked in front of him, and I think we'll have to do that sometime soon.

How should I tell him? What if he gets grossed out? What should I do? That's tough, because I feel like we've had similar conversations where it's like sometimes it's better not to do the telling because out of context and with your imagination to guide you it the problem can always seem a lot worse yeah you know um at the same time i don't you know you don't necessarily want to keep take someone by surprise in an intimate moment like this as well you know or

like have them say the wrong thing or i don't know if you're gonna feel comfortable not bringing it up because you're probably gonna be thinking is he looking at it is he disgusted and that's going to ruin your sexual experience too even if they don't say anything yeah it's tough because i could go either way on this one right you know what i mean where like you leave it and see if they say something and just kind of deal with it because it's like acting's not it's not a foreign concept to people everybody knows people who have acne and acne scars and the only difference is that it's somewhere a little bit more intimate if there's i don't know if you guys are talking about stuff i feel like there might come a moment where they're talking about insecurity

or a skin thing and you could just drop it and be like oh yeah i have like really bad acne but it's very annoying because it's like on my legs on my butt like fucking typical ha ha ha and just kind of like bring it up in that way so that you're telling them but you're not warning them yeah like hey just a heads up i need you to know about my butt acne mentioning it in a like it exists way as opposed to i'm warning you about it way i think is definitely the way to go if you pre-mention it what do you think dan i think i would appreciate the heads up if we were getting hot and heavy i don't think you should bring it up until it's gonna happen right like i don't think you guys should be out for drinks and be like hey just so you know i certainly

don't think you should mention it over text because as we as now mentioned it's like when the imagination is is let to uh or allowed to run loose if someone says oh i have acne scars and acne on my butt i'm gonna think worst case scenario if you're telling me ahead of time and whatever that means for me and whatever it means for your partner like you know i mean like it's a two very sliding scales of things of people it's it's never gonna work out and it's probably not as bad as someone is going to imagine. So I don't think putting that out into the world is the right way to do,

but on the flip side, depending on how close the acne is to your genitals, I would really appreciate a warning or at least a heads up. If we're about to like have sex that that's not something i need to be concerned about a hundred percent and that is kind of what crossed my mind is like if someone knows what it is they're going to be a lot more accepting whereas like you don't really want someone midway being like hey do you have stds you need to tell me about yes exactly i was once hooking up with someone um and she had what i thought might have been i don't know like a cold sore or something on her lip and she was like trying to take my

trousers down and just go for a blow job and i had to stop and awkwardly be like hey i noticed this thing on your lip like i just want to like talk about it before we do anything because you know gotta protect the junk at all costs um and she'd gotten her lips like injected like just before she came over and like we kind of she like showed me the thing but like it took all the wind out of the sails it was very awkward and like then she was like what you thought that i would do that and i was like i don't know which you know i didn't um it all ended up fine but like at time, not the best way to go about it. Definitely took the wind out of the sails a little bit. Now, would you think, and this is just me asking you because I'm curious, would it be, had it been different if she had offered the information prior to, like, if you guys are making out hot and heavy and she's like, oh, hey, just so you know, I just got my lips filled.

That's what, like, this little bad boy is. Oh, yeah, 100%. Yeah. So I think, I think, yeah. just got my lips filled that's what like this little bad boy is 100 um yeah so i think i think like me having to call her on it and then her having to like explain and then her getting upset that i asked which was kind of weird just the whole thing like it wasn't the most smooth because also in a sense i'm kind of saying hey do you have this thing you know what i mean and then she was like oh you thought i had that which was stupid because it's not a moral judgment but you know what i mean people can get insecure about these things i get

it um whereas beforehand she was like oh don't mind this i just you know that would have been fine it would have gotten it out of my head and the thing is it's like i didn't even necessarily get to look at it properly because she was trying to do that like sexy thing where you get in and get straight down to business you know yeah um i just happened to kind of like catch a glance of it anyway on the other side i'm not sure that because of how that went like taking the wind out of the sails i'm not sure that what you're saying is the right way to do it i think saying it beforehand is actually the way to go and i think the way you do it has to be casual like it has to be i'm letting you know about this just in general not i'm letting you know about this in regards to

us having sex and being naked so like you say you're on medication maybe mention like oh hold on i just gotta grab my pills or whatever and maybe they'll ask and maybe they won't but i feel like it's a very easy way to be like oh sorry i know that sounds weird haha i just i have to take it i've got like acne on like you know my leg and my butt so you know and that's a very casual way to do it i think i would maybe find another way maybe try to bring up a side effect like maybe if you're open drinks that's the thing i don't know if you're able to drink you know i'm not being serious i'm not saying like right do it by the script everything i said excuse me hold up one second i just have to get my pills yeah you can only say it the way i said um but like i feel like yeah if you can't drink or

if there is a side effect like pointing that out and being like, oh, you know, I have my acne, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like that is a very easy way of letting someone know. And, you know, it's not a beware, beware when you go down there, that shit's going to get grim. It's just, oh, I have this thing and you're stating it. And like if they see something and pause for a second, they'll remember. Yeah, because I've been with I've also been with a woman where we were finally going to hook up, and when I took her underwear off, there was like

a very obvious, like, red kind of something that was there. That's actually a clit. And so I was just like, hey, like, before I go down, and she was like, yeah, no, I had an ingrown hair that got carried away with.

And she's like, I'm sorry. I agitated it. I got it out. But like, it is just an ingrown hair. And like, I was like, OK, cool. Thanks. of thinking of your partner and assuaging any fears they might have with with the the situation down there of being like hey it's it's not anything you have to worry about um but then also like you said sort of taking the wind out the sails a little too early it is it's a it's a

tightrope walk and i'm not really sure when the best time would be for it all. So it's funny. I had a, like, my ex, when we started hooking up, it had, like, gotten to the point where, you know, I thought we were, you know, any day now we were going to fuck. And one time I'm like, oh, you want to come back to mine? And she, like, got really weird and, like, bailed. And I was like, oh, no, like, did I do something wrong?

And then, like, the next time we met up, it was kind of the same thing. And it turned out she had an ingrown hair, like just kind of like off to the side and the same kind of panic where she was like, I don't want to explain it. Don't want to show him like he'll think it's a wrong thing. So this is a thing I think people deal with, obviously different to your case because scars are, you know, more permanent permanent but you're helped by the fact that like you know as i said people know what acne is people know what acne scars are there you see them everywhere most people have dealt with at some point but i think both of us are agreed that not telling him is not the way to go yeah no this is not something that he needs to

find out on his own uh i i think we're kind of on the fence as to when and where and how. I know that's kind of the question, but you really do have to sort of feel it out. You know what I mean? If you have the opportunity, as Niall's mentioned, if something like that comes up, that's your chance to slide it in. If it doesn't come up and there's no natural way to bring it up i think there's no harm in saying you know while you guys are hot and heavy before you know things progress too far just being like hey just a heads up um i do have acne and acne scars on my legs and my butt um nothing to worry about maybe even just like you know be like a little honest be a little vulnerable each other and just admit like just

like hey i do have something i'm insecure about i just want to like you know kind of let you know about and and just be like yeah i have acne scars and i have acne and it's localized here and here and you know and like i think that's part of being a good partner as well as you know vocalizing your concerns and hopefully they'll be there for you and most importantly they'll know it's something that you are insecure about and hopefully will then make extra care to not be a shithead. You know, and I don't think there's any harm in that, you know. And if they're weird about it, you're doing yourself a favor by, you know, weeding this person out early. I've had multiple sexual partners who have told me something usually health related prior to having sex. And it was usually like almost immediately before we started having sex. Like I remember there was

one woman who had like an intestinal issue, like she had surgery or something when she was younger. And she was like, Hey, just so you know, like, I can't fold my legs back. So like, if we're in missionary, I kind of like you can't really like, bend and fold my legs back. So like if we're in missionary, I kind of like, you can't really like bend and fold me too much because it really, really hurts. And I was like, okay,

great. Thank you for letting me know that because I would hate to do that. You know, otherwise I've had women tell me, be like, Hey, so there's another issue that I have. Like,

I don't remember what it was called. They told me at the time of being like sometimes i have vaginal bleeding and so if you do notice blood i like don't panic i'm not on my period and you're not hurting me it is just a thing that i have and if it's bad enough i we may have to stop and i was like of course yeah i like, do you need me? And then like, I opened dialogue of being like, if I notice it and you haven't said anything, should I mention it to stop? Like, is it something that will do like, you know, like, will you feel like when it reaches a point or do I need to alert you? You know what I mean?

Like, cause I was like, last thing I want to do is yeah. So, so I, and then no point in time, granted, I can't vouch for every man ever, but as opening into a sexual relationship with someone, even if it's one time, if there is something pertinent to your health or your well-being

or even just the base enjoyment of the act, which I... Comfort. Exactly. I don't think there's any harm in putting it on the table because at that point in time they will sort of show their colors you know what i mean they'll either be accepting and accommodating or they'll be shitty and you've saved yourself the trouble of sleeping with someone that you probably aren't going to be proud that you slept with yep so i feel like there's a bunch of different ways you can throw it out there and literally there's no harm in just being like you know i would definitely phrase it more in

terms that are not warnings right because that's you're not doing yourself any favors there you're not doing them any favors it's negative doesn't need to be let them know you're insecure about it let them know it's an issue you have or you know i think those are the only two issues are the only two ways i'd go about it really and if they're shitty fuck them and by that i mean do not fuck them this is by grably like that lish how can i get my girlfriend to tell me where she went this weekend my 30 year old male girlfriend 37 year old female has reappeared in my life three weeks ago after missing for eight months. Prior to that, we lived together for nearly two years.

Last Friday morning, she randomly packed all of her things and told me, due to some long text from her mom that I should have been aware of, she was going to be away helping family all weekend long. That was a surprise, but okay. Tried asking where she was going. Reached out to her over the weekend. Her phone was off. My calls went straight to voicemail, but she kept updating her Instagram. Late last night, she called me and then came home slash over. Still not sure what the status of my home to her is.

My home is where we lived for two years. I asked her how her weekend was and where did she go. Grandparents? Cabin with sister? Parents? She only gave me a vague answer that she was running around and didn't see her family. Okay. This morning, I took a closer look at her Instagram and she was in a different city, at some farm with some kids, and at someone's modern looking apartment.

If she was hiding it from me, she would not post so openly where she was. But at the same time, she refuses to talk about where she went. My brain is telling me a story that in the eight months of her absence she started a new relationship and is now bouncing between me and another guy. How do I get her to tell me what's going on hold on this is your question not the eight months she fucking disappeared that's fine he can he can deal with eight months eight months and three days though nah dude like i was waiting for this other shoe to drop but it's like you live like you lived with her for two years presumably maybe dated, and then she just fucking disappeared for almost a year? Yeah.

And you had no questions about that, but she goes away for a weekend and all of a sudden you're fucking Nancy Drew? What? That is exactly why I brought it, because I read this and I had to read it like multiple times. Like, wait wait did it ever like what no just never never clears that up and like when someone says they disappear I assume they mean like no contact no updating social media no you know answering phone calls like no contact I'm like just a ghost so what I read yes that was exactly what happened they literally vanished for eight months and then just showed back up and he was like hey this is also like we talked about this before

are you sure it's still your girlfriend well i know you're asking if the relation still exists i'm asking is it still your girlfriend in this mortal sense that she hasn't been taken over by some sort of i hate to keep talking about it but eldritch being it's fair has she been body snatched it's possible yeah i feel like this weekend is far less of a concern than the eight months but either one of them is you being smacked with a red flag so big that it's probably going to murder you soon enough now you say that but i don't know i i don't know how i feel about this because eight month disappearance is you can say oh they've disappeared they're gone but they've gone away for a weekend and they've shown this mysterious

almost gone girl-esque puzzle of where they went but aren't telling you that to me is more troubling than the eight month disappearance you know what i mean yeah like this seems to be like posturing for something and it makes me very nervous so so i'm sorry you decided to disagree with me saying they're giant red flags only to say that they are in fact also red flags no i you said that the the weekend wasn't as big of a deal as the eight months oh no i'm saying both of them are giant red flags oh yeah yeah absolutely you could do a question and be either you know i mean if someone fucked off for a weekend then was just like i'm not gonna tell you yeah like what like that's terrible like who are these children who are like you and that's the best part it's like

in general that would be ridiculous but like imagine i just like posted some weird kids on my fucking instagram was like, don't worry about it. Now, how old are these kids? Because eight months. Yeah. Eight months. That's almost nine months. So maybe, you know, one month in found out she was pregnant.

Got shuttled away to some sort of conclave, a farm, perhaps to have these kids and maybe she grew close to the other farm kids that you know her weird how many brothers and sisters does she have do they all disappear for eight months you know i mean like do the sisters always disappear and then all of a sudden there's a new kid at the farm i feel like you should have probably got out during the eight months and not let her back in. At least without, you know, a very, very good explanation, a massive apology. And even then, it's like, I can't think of many things that would, you know, absolve yourself of an eight-month disappearance. And even then, a weekend disappearance 100% obliterates any apology they just gave. I can't stop thinking about these kids.

Are they okay? Are they allowed to leave the farm? Are they raised for a purpose? Are they... What, they're farming? This kind of reads like, you know, a thriller. Yeah, this is like some Gone Girl shit. Like 100%.

Gone Girl 2. The gonest girl. harder too gone too furious uh yeah i mean that's the thing i my patience for people who ghost me like even if i like if we haven't gone on a date or we've gone on a few dates and you ghost me for like two weeks i'm pretty much over you like you like like you know i mean like unless you come back with a real good reason as to why you couldn't respond to a text that takes 30 seconds i'm done with you if i'm in a committed relationship or any sort of relationship with you and we've been living together for two years and you decide to fuck off with absolutely no contact for eight months one i would call the cops did you call the cops did you call the cops dude because you seem remarkably blase about most of this yeah like did you try to find out that she was okay

because that's like if amanda just didn't come home like okay maybe this might seem overbearing but like amanda was out until like 4 a.m one night with her friends and the last i heard from her was around midnight and she's very very good at being like hey i'm still out i'm still safe don't worry about it because she knows that like you know after a certain time of the night i do get concerned because toronto has a record of people trying to snatch women in vans and shit um so she she's very good at checking in every now and then just being like don't worry i'm still you know i'm still safe and that doesn't mean like i'm i'm monitoring her or i need an update as to like

where she is or who she is or that she has to be home by a certain time she can stay out as long as she wants as long as i know she's safe you know what i mean like to be fair most people do this with if not their partner than a friend you know what i mean it's not unheritive um so if one day amanda went out even if she's at work or you know she was like oh i'm gonna go get some groceries and then didn't come home i would lose my fucking mind like i would i would be so worried and so scared and so sick with like thinking of all the terrible possibilities that like i would i would be so worried and so scared and so sick with like thinking of all the terrible possibilities that like i would call the cops like the first day she didn't come home i would call the cops or or i would call you know everyone i knew she was out with the night prior and all of her friends be like have you seen her it's like i don't care if she's on the verge of

breaking up with me and doesn't want to see me. I just want to make sure she's not dead. We can figure out everything else after that. You know what I mean? And like, the funny thing is, like, even I saw like a missing person thing Toronto police sent out during the week. And there was like a big thing on it being like, remember, the 24 hour like call in thing is not real. So if people go missing, make sure to report it once it's you know an issue because like that's a tv bullshit thing like people have an idea of when it's not okay for someone to have come home you know again so once the groceries they've been gone for five hours that's not normal

so you call the police they're not going to tell you to fuck off so did you call the cops dude anyway back to the question how can he get her to tell him? Because she's not asking, should I break up with her? Which I think we agree, yes. I mean, look, you know where this farm is. You need to reverse Google. Well, he said it was like on another city. That's fair.

So he knows maybe she geotagged it. You need to visit this farm. Like at this point, you need to follow these these threads um i would you know what no i wouldn't cover your tracks i wouldn't back you know what i mean like i was gonna say you need to make sure you don't get caught up in a conspiracy but it's like at this point you're in it you know what i mean like you've you fucked up so hard by letting her back into your life um you are pretty much being uh orchestrated as a fall guy you're being too gone too girlius yeah for something i don't know if you're ben affleck or

if you're neil packer patrick harris in this situation but like something tells me you're probably going to have garden shears in a very important part of your body in the next year or so i think you need to do the opposite of what she did and let everyone know where you're going and that place will be the farm so that when you go missing at least they can free these children or you get a burner phone and you text her and you say he knows well that's specifically how he's gonna get garden shears and his important parts then you say i know i don't know i was hoping you get her to like admit you know no the second you tell someone that they know like that's that's time to get rid of that person yeah but this man's incredible ignorance

is the only thing keeping him alive right now then you text her saying if you don't give me a million dollars, I'll tell him about the farm. Oh, now we're talking. Then, worst case, you get a million dollars. Best case, you find out who these kids are. Yeah. You make a Facebook profile with the pictures of the kids, and then you message her and say, Mom? And then she says, No, I'm your jailer you're like ha got you this is wild and i need to know the answers to all the questions that i have you need to sit her down

and not accept being blown off like this you know what i mean like it's very funny that she's like oh give me a vague answer and like leaves it's like this isn't okay and the fact that you let her back in after eight months makes it seem like you don't realize how not okay this is. No, we're past that. There's no helping this man. No, I refuse to admit that. You need to not take no for an answer

and you also need to get out of there. And that's my F bud's advice. The only thing you like, the only thing I can actually honestly suggest this man, change your locks and send, call the cops and say, you need to go to this farm and leave it at that. Because I promise you, there's something fucked up happening at this farm. They are harvesting child meat.

You know what I mean? Like, I bet here's, okay, you want to hear my thoughts? Here's what I think that's happening. She is a member of a cult, maybe a leader of a cult. I don't know. But she goes and gets pregnant from other men, perhaps a certain kind of man. I don't know. I haven't fully fleshed this out.

The kind of man who doesn't ask questions after you disappear for eight months. Right. I don't know. She then, you know what I mean? Like, once she's confirmed that she's pregnant, she disappears, goes, has the baby on the farm. Now this baby is a source of food for this cannibal cult. And that's just kind of what they do. You know what I mean? Like they go in and she, maybe she's going in because she just had this baby. She's able to, you know, breastfeed some of the younger ones to nurse them to, you you know full health so that when they are plump fat ripe babies it's dinner time this is basically the plot of promised neverland i got there first i yeah i think we i think we finished this question this this question is not finished until i find out until i personally am standing on the property of this farm oh my god

what if it's quantum dad strikes again maybe at the end of the show we we didn't do a whole lot of questions today we talked a lot about things and hopefully they were helpful um but at the end of the show we like to peruse online dating platforms such as tinder bumble and hinge and uh comb them for red flags what works what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable i got a good batch you ready yeah this is kira kira's 21 dream date you watch me and my roommate play new super mario bros for six hours and i suck your dick after damn yeah okay i will say i'm down yeah that's a to nine um this is tabby what are you giving me oh sorry that's uh yeah that's a 10 because it's very funny and i also like the promise of a blowjob it's funny it's raunchy and you like super mario bros i like it actually maybe it is a 10 for me too

um this is tabby dad took a picture of me without knowing it'll land on Tinder. Cheers to that. That's pretty funny. Yeah. That's an eight. I'm not sure what picture he took. Yeah. Is it like a very sexual picture? Cause that,

I don't know. There wasn't any like really sort of charged pictures. There is one of her like standing on a beach. Um, so I'm wondering if that's it, but I don't know. Whatever. I think it's funny. Um, but it like, it gives me enough to i'm wondering if that's it but i don't know whatever i think it's funny um but it like it gives me enough to know like that's pretty funny but like there's nothing else there and there's no blow job so only eight yeah this is nameless

and it's just because their name is scratched out when it got sent uh fuck bios but i will hate on myself constantly i will cry for no reason i'll push you away or be mean sometimes i will not eat for days and sometimes i will binge eat most of the time i'm not affectionate but when i am i'm too affectionate you'll probably hate me but i don't want to have sex with you i want a relationship games anime and horror films i mean we've had this so many times in one way or the other of just being like, cool, you've announced that you're a terrible person and not any fun to date. Yeah. I'll be very bad one way, but if I'm not, I'll be very bad the other way.

It's like, what? I have no good middle ground. I'm either too much or too little. She does sound very much like a cat. Damn, you do love cats. Is she a cat? Because the whole, like, sometimes I won't eat. Sometimes I'll eat so much I'll throw up. You know what I mean? When I'm affectionate, I'm too affectionate.

I won't leave you alone. But most of the times, I will scratch you. I will put you away or be mean sometimes. But do cats hate on themselves constantly? No, cats love themselves more than anybody loves themselves that's true so it was almost and all cats want to have sex with you uh yeah it's a zero yeah it's gonna be a zero for me as well they couldn't be any less attractive or it could be but it's you know um this i this has like really well you know i'll just read it um this is jamie

i spent all my time making weeb art and thrifting soft bean energy here to find friends photography models and casual flirting polycurious and then a couple i think they're horoscope signs and then infp and then nw1 oh god it's a new one i don't know what that is i like soft bean energy i knew you would what's weebar weeb art oh weeb art i like that too i feel like the star signs and the infp bullshit it's so prevalent that's stopping being as much of a red flag as me it's so prevalent that stopping being as much of a red flag as me is just becoming background noise like a seven a six i would definitely i would want to match with her specifically to be like hey the fuck's off bean energy is that good do i want bean energy what was it nw1 as well was the thing yeah it's an enneagram uh personality type uh no it's a area code in england for camden lock so she is in fact a postal code 9w1 is a area at least an nw1 no 9w1 i might have said n because nine starts with an n and i'm my brain is a monster yeah it's like an enneagram okay well they're hard working creative

and friendly that's good it's good to know yeah yeah it's like a sixneagram. Okay, well, they're hardworking, creative, and friendly. That's good. That's good to know. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a six. Yeah, I'm going to give it a six as well. I love it. I don't hate it, you know. This one also has their name blurred out, but it's great.

On the topic of nude photos, I'd like to remind you of a little story. In 1912, a girl had a nude photo drawn in a sketchbook by a random dude that no one's ever heard of. The drawing gets locked in the safe on a boat the boat sinks and her nude picture still ends up on tv 84 years later so no i will not be sending nudes no one is safe also i have three cats 170 centimeters tall dyslexic and loves brunches okay um i enjoy that she goes roundabout way. You know what? I like this. It's funny. Yeah.

I'm going to give it an eight. Yeah. She got some very tall cats. Yeah, that's what worries me. Maybe that's her friend at the start. A 170 centimeter tall cat. Yeah. Yeah, I give it a nine.

You know, it's funny. And like, it's obviously not very serious. You know, this is Caroline not looking for hookups. Winky face. Dog mom, aroid lover, enemy number one of olives and slow walkers. I've recently started running and can't help but feel like Phoebe Buffay. I'm into greasy food, beer, whiskey, hiking, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and hating season 8 of Game of Thrones.

Brazil and Canada. Flag. I also hate olives and slow walkers. So points there. I like pretty much all of them. I was just about to ask you. Because everything else was pretty good. How do you spell it? Oh, it's a plant. And she's an aroid what lover

oh big fan of these little guys this little green boys what if she just missed an n and it's an android lover well she'd be missing two letters it's not a r oh you're right android yeah i like it what does the winky face mean yeah i, I thought that was the whole profile. And I was like, damn, that's some solid mixed messaging. I like it. Yeah, not looking for hookups. Wink. Because usually when you wink, that means that what you're saying isn't true.

Yeah, maybe they don't understand. Or maybe it's just they're making the joke that like most people who are like, oh, I don't want to hook up. Are the people who are then like, hey, go back to mine. don't know what caroline's up to and i'm confused but i feel like we would bond quite well over our hatred of season eight of game of thrones yeah i like it wholeheartedly it's a 10 i'll give it a 9 we got some good ones this week are you ready are you ready for my finale it's's a Canada flag emoji. It's a fireworks emoji. It's a French emoji. Or like flag, French flag.

And she says, Conor McGregor isn't the only person who can finish someone in 40 seconds. Okay, not bad. I'm going to give that a... Give it an 8. Give it a 9. I like it. It's funny. It's it. It's funny.

It's sexy. It's also a challenge. It is a challenge, for sure. And it's the kind of challenge where either way, it's a win-win. You got one more for me? No, that's it. Cool. I'm glad we could finish on that in 40 seconds.

In 40 seconds. Thank you very much for listening. That has been our show, friends. It has been an absolute pleasure to spend this time with you we love you guys and we love josh eagle and the harvard cities for their song paper stars if you would like to support the show once again you can head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca and visit our website you can check out the patreon section that'll bring you to the page in which you could then pledge to become a patron and we would thank you and love you forever and ever.

If you're not able to do that, because we know the pandemic has fucked everything forever and you don't have the extra cash, then a simple share of the podcast or recommendation to one of your friends, a review or rating on any of the various podcast platforms would be also very much appreciated. And it only takes about 30 seconds, and it's free to do. Otherwise, you can send us a question on the contact form. You can choose your own agent name,

and we will keep it completely anonymous and answer it as soon as we can. Hell yeah. Ready for some bad sex writing? I am. All right. This is an unattributed excerpt. Hey, baby, it's happening.

I'm ovulating right now. I felt the tingling of my egg coming out. But the most obvious change to Felicia's body was from the woman who'd let me join her in the shower, was a full inch of waistline added from a burgeoning uterus filled with my bountiful overnight deposits. Imagining those seeds making her way into her fallopian tubes, seeking that most precious treasure of eggs and bringing them to life within her flooded womb, I felt myself stiffen once more. Is this about the same guy who, like, can tell people aren't virgins based on the stomach flatness?

I assume they swim in the same rivers. you know the same in the same sludge pools yeah the same social sludge pool cool that's not how it works man women aren't just like when you ejaculate inside a woman it doesn't just get all stored up in there they like they're not camels they don't have fucking like cum. Wait, women do have humps. Hmm? Women do have humps. Yeah, lovely lady lumps. Yeah, exactly.

You fool. Well, they're not filled with fucking cum. I fucking hope not, at least. Because I believe they're talking about their butts and their boobs. Which, as far as I know, are not filled with semen. My humps, my humps, my humps. Check it out. I'm a are not filled with semen. My humps, my humps, my humps. Check it out. I'm a man who loves a big butt.

Will that change if we now acknowledge that butts, big butts, are just giant semen receptacles? Wouldn't matter to me. Butt's a butt. Butt is a butt. Like the way you think. But what if it's just roiling around with other people's semen? Just a whole mishmash of semen. Who cares? A semen jambalaya mishmash of semen. Who cares?

A semen jambalaya. We've survived this long. Who gives a shit? This is a fair point. And I appreciate you for talking me off this ledge. Yeah. You know what? I feel like you're okay.

I'll be okay. It's the worst ending we've ever done. Is it? I'm still thinking about these kids on the farm. Yeah, that's fair. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Mel Spain. We've been your Gone Girls.