F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 199 - Is THAT Dildo?!

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

You can only choose one thing... a Tinder account or a safe granny.  Topics include best friend relationship revelations, the pressure to pursue romance, DIY inception, an unexpected and unwelcomed threesome surprise, pretending like you've never been to Mordor.

Hey listeners, before we get to the episode, we want to take a moment to address the June 24th Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. This decision stripped away the legal right to have a safe and legal abortion. Restricting access to comprehensive reproductive care, including abortion, threatens the health and independence of all Americans and others should other countries do this too. This decision could also lead to the loss of other rights. To learn more about what you can do to help, go to choice.crd.co. We encourage you to speak up, take care, and when I'm trusting, I love I put put, we are a sex and dating advice podcast that turns your sexy, sticky situations fuck. We take sex questions off the internet

or dating questions off our audience or the opposite, and we answer them for you guys. We take it off them. We see them walking around. We run up, we yank it out of your hands, and whoop. They're ours now. We don't answer them your hands and there are us now we don't answer them we just take them now you don't have any questions hey you want them back go join our

patreon it's like the eternal spotless mind of sunshines it is the eternal sunshine mind yeah it's like it's like that we just take all your questions so anytime you're like hmm i wonder we just go in with a straw slurp them out yum yum it's ours now did you know it's it's it's the pre the pre-two the pre-two what that it's this episode episode pre 200 oh yes i did know that i wrote it fucking wild uh if you're listening our 200th episode will be next week send us something to do because I don't fucking know I'll come up with something

continue sorry next episode will not be a normal episode I don't know what it's going to be but it's not going to be a normal episode I guess happy hot day yeah it's the hottest day I mean not in toronto right

i feel like we've had pretty fucking hot but uh it was 38 earlier oh it's it feels like 42 right now it's fucking insane uh it's the hottest day ever in dublin today uh back home which is wild uh so i figured we could just kind of like comment on it you know document the the impending heat death of the earth for when aliens find our podcast because they're going to preserve I think the top seven podcasts in the world and I'm pretty sure we're in there

also for the Americans I was going to say for the people who don't use Celsius which is just Americans as far as I know they are still the only people who are clinging to the imperial system. That's 107 degrees. So hot it is. Also known as too many degrees.

That is too many degrees. Speak of America. I want to talk about something fucked up. I mean, you got to if you're talking about America. Yeah. up i mean you got to if you're talking about america yeah so uh walgreens has been doing a thing where uh women who buy pregnancy tests i don't know how many people this happened to but it's happened to a few if they bought pregnancy tests at a walgreens they sent like baby gift packages to them with like bottles and like formula and various things from Enfamil,

which I guess there's like a baby brand. And that's pretty fucked up because imagine if, for example, you were hoping to have a baby and it didn't happen. That's rubbing salt in the wound. Imagine you were with an abusive partner and you were fearing for your life that you had one and that you were going to have a baby and you were hiding it from them. And then all of a sudden this fucking shows up in the mail etc so that's pretty messed

up yeah well greens way to overstep yeah so maybe don't do that also how do they know where they live uh apparently they use their rewards card and it's like linked to that or something uh okay either way pretty fucked up i was gonna say it's even more fucked up if they just they just knew where you lived well that's the thing. They don't really know. They just assume it was, you know, something. What? They assume it was something to do with the reward card.

They don't know. It just showed up. Oh, okay. I thought you were saying that Walgreens didn't actually know. It's like, hold on. Walgreens is just like, hey, you look like you live around here. And from your vibe when you checked out, I got to say this one. Here's some baby shit.

Yeah. You ready for a question? Yeah. I'm going to start by picking you up. You ready? Okay. I got you and I'm throwing you in a swamp. You know what?

It's a hot swamp. Oh. Yeah. It's like Shrek's hot swamp. Okay. Ready? This is throwaway thingy 10010. My 26-year-old female boyfriend, 25-year-old male,

revealed he and his friend used to have sex. And the friend is 25, female. Need advice. I read it. In a difficult situation, hoping for advice. I've been going out with my boyfriend, 25-year-old male, for the past 10 months. It's serious.

We moved in together. He has a very close female friend that has just revealed to me they used to have sex for context both them and my boyfriend have been best friends since they were teens and from what i can tell they bonded in part because their upbringing and things that were going on in their lives at the time it's an intense relationship not necessarily in a bad way just didn't know each other inside and out way they hang out all the time now a day goes by they don't at the minimum video chat each other i was initially weirded out by the closeness, but it's never infringed on our relationship and we have plenty of time to ourselves. I've just accepted it as part of

the package. She has never been anything but nice to me. She's very different to my boyfriend, but we get on really well. We've hung out without him around, for example. She never gave any indication of jealousy or resentment, and though she isn't currently in a relationship, I've never felt threatened. Whole drama started when we were talking about past relationships. I know, dodgy topic. He's only had a couple of relationships before we got together, and they weren't particularly long ones, so there was a lot of time in between. Now, without getting too graphic, my boyfriend is a very good sex partner, so I made a stupid joke that he must have hooked up a lot as practice. He got confused and said that I knew he didn't like having sex with strangers, which he hadn't

directly said before, but probably could have concluded based on things he's told me about his past. He seemed a little upset, and I admit I got pretty defensive and made some comments about his experience, and he got angry and said I shouldn't talk about it like that. One thing led to another, and we got into an argument. I've always been really insecure about my lack of experience. In bed, I grew up in a fundamentalist religious household and had only actually lost my virginity in my last relationship, so that might have been what set me off. I'm not sure. It was less of a fight and more me shouting at him and him trying to calm me down. I said some really hurtful things about his sex life. I can't remember how it came up. I think I said something about him obviously lying about hooking up with people, but during the fight, he offhandedly mentioned that when he and Em, the girl, weren't in relationships, the two of them would just have sex with each other if they needed it. It shocked me. I had absolutely no idea about this. He was mortified that I didn't know. I thought that he had told me. He insisted they hadn't had sex often, only when one of them had an itch that needed scratching. I then asked why they couldn't go and hook up with someone else. He said it was partly convenience and partly they trust each

other. I was livid, refused to speak with him, and shut myself in my room. I didn't come out for a few days, apart from to collect the food he left in front of the door. Em came around at some point, and I think her and my boyfriend had an argument. She said she wanted to speak to me, so I let her in the bedroom and we talked. Em thought I knew too, was apologetic, I'd found out this late in the relationship, said they hadn't really brought it up in conversation or jokes because they didn't want to make me uncomfortable, and assured they haven't and would never have sex while he and I were together, though when either of them is in a relationship, they stop having sex completely. It's just something they did and it was a purely

physical thing. They've been doing it since early on in their relationship. They both loved each other, but not in that way. I'm upset and to both their credits, they've been very kind about it and said they're sorry and it hurt me this way and they didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. I told my boyfriend that I didn't want him hanging out or being friends with Em anymore. He told me he has no intention of giving her up. She's been an important part of his life for the past 10 or so years and he understands if it means i don't want to be him be with him i truly believe they're both being completely honest i just feel conflicted first time i felt in love with someone i'm actually taught thought about spending the rest of my life with him i really do like am consider her one of

my first real friends since i left my church i want want this to work out, but I'm not sure how. Any advice would be appreciated. That was a very long way of saying nothing's happened in terms of the fact that like everyone seems to be above board. It's like they handled it well. They seem to handle their friendship and relationship well. You guys seem to be happy together. They like M seems cool. The boyfriend seems cool. You overreacted a little bit and a little bit.

Well, I mean, it was in the heat. Why have you ever in your life locked yourself in your room for days? Only emerging to like take food from your partner and go back in because you were so upset with someone. Yes. Okay, that's fair. That's an absolutely insane thing to do. Yeah. I mean i mean again i don't know how much is hyperbole i like if she was actually in there for multiple days and like not leave i don't know she didn't have to say i was in there for days and only left to get food you know what i mean like that's yeah a little

dramatic anytime i hear people say things like that i always assume it's like they still went to work and they still even then even if it's literally just every time you came home you locked yourself in your fucking room and your partner fed you like that's a lot and this is such a small fucking issue yeah like i don't if you're like it really just comes down to are you cool with it if you're not cool with it like you still say you trust them you still say you like both of them so you either get cool with it or you don't and then move on those are like the two options like pretty much what you said in a lot of ways where like the boyfriend seems cool he's been pretty open about it i guess the whole like oh i thought i told you before thing obviously he didn't tell her i can't imagine he thought he told her but

i guess maybe the time was never right and i don't really think you have to be beholden to telling someone something like this you know i mean like we talked about it with the guy who hired sex workers last week it's like you don't really need to disclose your previous relationships with people you know i also understand like the idea of being like you don't want to throw this at someone right off the bat and then you get so comfortable that you kind of forget that you haven't, especially like if, if M is around this much and they're friends, like, I don't know, I can, I can understand being like, oh yeah, it did never come up. And they would probably be weirder if they were hanging out and it was just like, that would be weird. And it would probably seem far more important than it is.

And like M seems cool as fuck to come over and actually go and talk to the girlfriend and be like reassuring and all that. Like, this all seems so good on their side. Meanwhile, the person that wrote this question initially starts slut shaming and abusing and yelling at the guy in question. I mean, that's my biggest problem with the question is,

and like, I was kind of confused as to what she was talking about at that part of being like, I guess she was just being like, you have to have slept with other people because you're going to bed. You have to have. Yeah. And then decided to be really cruel and yell at them and say mean things like that's so fucking abusive and shitty. And it's like, you're good at sex.

Fuck you. It's like, what? Do you not want him to be good at sex yeah imagine being like hey you're a really understanding partner you must have fucked up you know like it's just so shitty honestly my advice would be to break up with this person because you clearly need to work through a lot of shit you need to work on your jealousy issues uh you need to work on common sense issues like for after all this to be like never see your friend again like no yeah and i love that he's like nah man she's super close to me sorry if

you can't date me because again he seems like a very confident communicative partner and that's kind of how it should be you guys have been dating for 10 months they've been friends for 10 years obviously she's more important than you yeah i mean like i i get i don't really have any advice like the the situation shakes out exactly as it should have in my opinion and it's it's just 100 like if you can't deal with it don't don't deal with it then move on right like this dude has laid out his his stance on it you were like hey i don't want you to see him and he's like nope okay well like like you know where everyone stands and it's just a matter of like where you stand.

And if you are uncomfortable with him continuing a friendship with someone that means a lot to him, then you got to get on your, get on your way. Bye. Now, what I love is everyone's like in the comments, which is kind of half there is.

And I took this to the pod. Everyone's like oh like you need to leave because they've slept with each other now means they will sleep with each other when you're gone therefore you need to leave as in like if they break if she breaks up yeah i mean okay it's like what what does that mean it's like everyone's gonna sleep with someone when you break up yeah that's like me being like oh i should have broke up with my ex sooner because i am currently sleeping with someone else yeah or like oh i'm gonna have to break up with you because if we break up you won't still be faithful to me what the fuck does it matter if it's someone you know or someone you don't

and also it's still hypothetical so i just that and again, it's not just said once. That was said so many times. Also, someone else, or I'm sorry, not someone else. A lot of people being like, oh, they only said they wouldn't sleep with each other while you guys are together. That's alarm bells. That's a red flag. It's like, that's, but that's what a relationship is. I mean, arguably, that is, that is what he says when, when you became exclusive. It was him saying, hey, I'm not gonna sleep with anyone else while we're together literally like i oh it just i wish to god

it was one or two people but the majority of responses are that and it sounds like that where i wish i could reply all to strangers in their brain and just be like fuck's wrong with you yeah i just hate it so look people chill um speaking of chill here's another question this is timothy 2019 oh my favorite year for timothy's i'm big fan of 2019 timothy's great year great you're like the terroir is like real crunchy am i crazy for not wanting to sleep with any single girl at a party that's a weird way to say what he's saying but bear with me i enjoy parties for the party if i try to hit on a girl focus on her that kind of kills it for me i just want to have fun but i feel

like this weird pressure from guys and girls to go talk to a girl dance with her try to hook up like they're uncomfortable that there's two single people and they're not trying to make a move i'm not interested in doing that though like i love sex but i'm there's two single people and they're not trying to make a move. I'm not interested in doing that, though. Like, I love sex, but I'm there for the DJ and having fun. If a girl can have fun and vibe with me, I'll talk to them. But I'm not interested in chasing when I'm at a party. Am I crazy or am I the only one who experiences this? I used to do the opposite in my early 20s, and it just wasn't fun, so I stopped.

I meet girls on dating apps, they're friends, and rarely do I meet a girl I like at concerts slash music festivals. I'm not there to hook up with some chick. Timothy, you do sound pretty fucking chill. Right? Do you, man? That's great. Like, look, if you were to do it and not want to, it's not going to be good for you or anybody. I think we've said this before. You should only really do what you want to do.

Like, that's how things go well. Uh, fuck other people's opinions the funny thing is is when he says you know i used to do that in my 20s and i just didn't have fun so i stopped and i think i don't think anyone has fun trying to hook up with people at a party or trying to it's the best fun no no what i'm saying is the whole reason you're there is desperately running around and trying to like impress people. I think that's I think that's sad. And I think a lot of people I think that is if that's the whole reason you're going to the party is to like. Yes. OK. If it's like the only I thought you meant just like trying to hook up a party or like hooking up at the party because like.

No, if it happens, it happens. Sure. Whatever. But I think but like the people who go to like bars or clubs or parties or whatever and they they're not there to have fun they're not there to hang out they're not there to like you know dance or listen to the music or whatever they're literally just there and like bouncing from woman to woman yes trying to get laid i don't think anyone enjoys that no matter how much fun they think they're having it it just it's like it's so wrought with like insecurity and rejection and you know it or alternatively very predatory yeah and i also feel like that's the moment you're gonna least likely get anybody because like you come off as

insincere or fucking weird and awkward because like if there's 10 people in a room having fun and the 11th person is like just staring from woman to you know what i mean like you stick out you seem weird it's creepy if you're there you're having fun and you're also open to the idea of hooking up and things happen i think that's the sweet spot yeah and that's what that's like kind of my point is like i'm sure this guy does quite well at parties because you know if he's just there hanging out and dancing this used to happen to me all the time when when i first started going to our our my religious karaoke experience in this when i first started going to the guy that that i go to karaoke

with uh in like 2009 i would go with some friends and they had like friends of friends and they like they couldn't understand the fact that i was there to hang out with my friends and sing karaoke and not like they also had a dating service or like company or whatever like they taught dudes they were like essentially and the idea that me a freshly single man't A, want them to teach me how to pick up women and to desperately try to pick up women while I was out and women were around. It made no sense to them. Well, thankfully, Dane let them teach him and that's how we have this podcast today. So big ups to Schmoozer, big ups to Kissy Lips, and big ups to Thigh Boy. Let me tell you.

You can only assume are their names. I don't want to dox his real name. He changed his name to Devlin Fox. That's fucking great. And he was just like the whitest guy. I don't think he changed his name legally. I think it was just like that was his pickup persona. He just was like, this is my name.

Was he a furry? Who was in fact a fox? Was that like his first owner? No, that would have been less cringy. Yeah. I'm like to, to put into perspective what these guys did. One of them had a notebook that he used specifically to pass notes to women at the bar, like high school. Like, do you like me with like actual checks, check marks and stuff like that?

I don't know what he actually wrote, but like it would literally be notes with like a little like box that they would check and give back to him. Another one always had a pack of cards, did magic tricks. Amazing. I do kind of appreciate that. And I do wish that more people did like close up magic as a,

as a nice break. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. I would like to recognize this cringy as fuck. Yes, I do. But do I want it not to be? Yes. I want a world full of a little bit more magic. Um, so like, I get where this guy's coming from. Just being like, I'm just here to have fun. Can you fuck off and stop trying to like, you know, set me up or pressure me into talking with people. And there's a difference between like trying to wingman a friend.

Like if a friend is, you know, vibing with someone and they need your help, you know, maintaining a conversation or, you know, entertaining their friend or whatever, by all means, help them out. But it's, again, not your responsibility if you're there to just fucking vibe with the DJ. Well, I would love to to know is the pressure real or imagined? Like, are people actually come up and be like, hey, bro, what the fuck? Which is highly possible. Or is it just kind of like,

because a lot of it is expected, like, as a guy, like, there are so many weird expectations men have with sex. For example, like, one we see regularly is, like, men not wanting to have sex, and it's, like, such an upset. We should fully be allowed that fucking luxury. And I wonder, like, cause if it is more in his head, not that it isn't still real, the solution lies in him kind of realizing it's okay. If it is a friend, they could well,

as you said, like wingman, wingmanning him or whatever mean well. And you should just really like have a conversation and just be like, look, I really appreciate what you're doing. You're great. But like, honestly, I'm just here to hang out with my friends and like that's it for me if i need to chat to a girl i will if i wanted to i totally would but like i'm just here to fucking dance up a storm you know i'm here for the fucking dj so i brought the question just to be like yeah it's fine guys if you want to go like don't feel pressure societal or from your friends or whatever like don't feel obligated. Like, if you're out, you have to be, you know, making moves and, you know, trying lines and, you know, trying to pick up women and shit.

Like, if you don't want to, you don't have to. Have a good time. I will say it's not even fine. It's better. Yeah. Like, you're going to have a worse night. They're going to have a worse night, whoever you're, like, half- like half-heartedly harassed you know what i mean like it is actively better it's not even just acceptable like do you and we've we've talked about it before i would say

that like 90 of our success when we ever went out was because we were just two dudes minding our own business having a good time yeah like people find and that's again maybe why people are pressuring you because as dane said you probably do well because people having fun and enjoying themselves are inherently more attractive than someone who's just like in the corner looming you know brooding and staring and i would say like most of our a good chunk probably like 50 percent of our icebreakers are us quietly laughing at what someone else is doing and then like making eye contact with the poor woman who just had to experience someone's attempt and then like being like that was fucked up or laughing about it or whatever

you know i mean like i would say like please tell me you saw that or heard that you're like yes i'm so sorry yeah like i would say like most of our our on dance floor interactions with other people were were because someone else was trying way too fucking hard and we were just there like laughing at it yeah and also it's like the times i've been least successful in hooking up with people are like that kind of like gap after a relationship where i'm like i want to throw myself back into things or like, it's been a while. And it's like the times where you,

you know, artists leaning more towards the, like, I want to go out and get laid or I want to go out and meet someone. Those are the times like 1000% go home by myself and, and probably put people off because it's, it's more evident that that's what I'm looking for more so than having fun, you know?

So when you fake it and when it becomes kind of like your raison d'etre for the night to night in question it sucks for everyone so do you and fucking have fun you sound chill as hell yeah i'd love to know why he's timothy 2019 like was is he three years old because that also could explain why he doesn't like girls have cooties you know no man he loves sex he's a three-year-old that fucks no he just loves the dj they play the wiggles i'm just i'm here to do that weird like baby hip waddle that's every it's all they can do okay hold on to the edge of a table and just like bounce just like semi-squat hell yeah yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, you ready for Ashes Dancing the Fire?

Hell yeah, I am. I don't want to throw you right back in that swamp, but it's a different swamp. My boyfriend was whispering weird shit to me while I was asleep. Boyfriend of six years just started whispering weird suggestions to me when he thought I was asleep. Examples. Find a second wife. Threesome. Eat that pussy. You want a girlfriend. Etc.

I'm super disgusted and not sure how to handle this. I'm in shock, mad, and super hurt. We're a family of four with two children, and I'm in no way interested in having a second wife. I'm not okay with my kids living like that, nor am I okay with that in my relationship. Do I need to cut my losses and run? I mean, who does that kind of shit? It's fucking weird. I'm disgusted and disturbed to my core. I feel nauseated. I laid there pretending to be asleep because at first I was just curious. Now I was mortified, wishing he would stop.

It felt like he was trying to rape my mind. Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on? What kind of person does shit like that? Am I in danger? Because that shit is crazy. I mean, I understand the like, I want to see where this is going. Because there are times where like, my partner is talking in their sleep and I'm like,

what kind of crazy shit you girls say? Granted, it's not as horrible as someone consciously doing this. But you know, there's that morbid curiosity being like, what that mind thinking? So like, if someone started whispering... What's happening right now? If someone started whispering suggestions in my...

I would be like, all right, let's see what crazy shit you come up with., I started whispering suggestions in my, I would be like, all right, let's, let's see what crazy shit you come up with. But I think once it got to like find a second wife and all that kind of shit, I'd be like, Hey, what the fuck are you saying? Yeah.

That's the thing. There's no way in, in the world where this ends with me lying there and be like, Oh man, like I can't let them know I'm listening. That would be weird. Yeah. Like, like I would call them them know I'm listening. That would be weird. Yeah. Like, like I would call them out immediately because it was, you know what, you know what

you have to do. You've got to just be like, hey honey, I've been thinking about this. Um, we should get a cat. I really want to eat one. Or just be like, I had this crazy dream where I had a second husband. Like, would you be, would you be down for that and like yeah or like you'd be like i keep dreaming about you just like gobbling on this guy's dick and like it's you know like wouldn't it be crazy if we had like a second husband no don't listen to me it's crazy or be like you know i kind of want a threesome

and then suggest a man yeah just like just fuck with this dude so hard and think that like oh no his power of suggestions it worked just you know just not in the right way every time you find a funny cat video on instagram send it to him and just be like haha tasty yeah you have to get a cat and then

one night make get like a weird meat like a rabbit or something you know something that isn't immediately identifiable to the normal palate and serve it up and be like and like hide the cat. Give the cat to a friend for a week or whatever. And just be like, yeah, I, you know, I really wanted to eat mittens. I guess they do have kids. So that might fuck the kids up a little bit. Yeah, I just like also maybe every night you got to watch Inception every night.

They're like, I just there's something about it. I just fucking love like that. Good, good. Leo, Leo DC. Let's get him on the screen going into people's brains and shit. I say start whispering suggestions back to him and make sure he is awake. Don't even do it at night. Do all these like making breakfast. all he's like making breakfast if

he's like yeah if he's watching sports or something on the tv just lean over and be like you want a second husband yeah i would love to know what absolute bullshit that this man read like it's it's got to be some stupid tiktok or it's from seduction we all know it's from seduction it's gotta be or at least you know the the slightly darker version of seduction yeah because seduction we all know it's from seduction it's gotta be or at least you know the the slightly darker version of seduction yeah because seduction is all like it's it's about doing you know this is like a sneaky thing this is you know this is a beta move right i don't think seduction is all about beta moves i know but this you know doing something behind someone's back while they sleep that's a beta you know it it's not upfront in your face.

Yeah. I don't think. Okay. Okay. I don't think this is, I think this is definitely like some dark web seduction. This is some like, yeah,

this, this is definitely like some tick tock. He saw it being like the power of suggestion. Sign up for my, you know, 30 minute free course. Maybe you just really didn't understand inception. Yeah.

I mean, maybe it does. He have a maybe. Does he have a spinning... Did he buy a spinning top recently? While he's whispering, do you hear like... As it like spins on your nightstand table? You might need to spin something. Just to make sure. He's like, hey, here's the thing. Every morning, do you wake up

to... I'm just saying, it's like Inception was two layers deep. Or three layers deep or whatever yeah so has anyone broken into your snowy mind castle how often does your hallway start fucking 360ing uh but this is pretty fucking weird let's there there's no fucking way i would let my partner whisper crazy shit in my ear and not be like what are you doing yeah i think like and the thing is it's it's like i understand some things where it's like oh i snooped in his phone and

he i found he's talking to like he's saying shit to like claire and blah and you don't want to admit it because you did a bad thing by going on his phone and there's like that dilemma which again who fucking cares he's talking to claire and doing weird shit but in this one you didn't do anything wrong you could have just been like hey what are you doing and then like that's the issue dealt with there and then and in fact you still can you're saying some really weird shit to me the other night and i didn't say anything because i didn't want to like i was sleepy and i wanted to go to bed but like what was that all about maybe just leave because like that's not how a healthy relationship works. If he wants these things

and, you know, brought them to you and you were like, no, sure. Great. Boom. That's how kinks are managed. If he's like, no, I gotta like trick you and like manipulate you and like compulsively. Like, that's not cool. That's not the kind of person you want to be with. Tell him to grow the fuck

up. That's the stuff that you were awake to hear. You don't know what he's whispering when you're actually asleep. You also don't know what else he's doing if that's his kind of, like, approach is your consent doesn't matter. For all you know, he's going to manufacture, like, a meet with some woman he's been chatting to on some dating app that, like, you don't know about. Or, et cetera. Like, he could be doing fucking anything because this is not what a normal person does so could be the tip of the iceberg you know what that's an excellent segue to the next question i have about icebergs uh this is from a throwaway account this is gonna be a long one i will try to get through it quickly uh got surprised in the bedroom not processing it well that's the name of

the question about the ambiguous title sorry honestly didn't know what to put I think at its heart this is a am I the asshole but last Saturday my wife wanted a threesome not unusual we both asked for them from time to time either male or female personally I prefer female but if it's her term she doesn't want that I'm okay with it we are quite open sexually sex is a separate from our love life it's not either of our love languages unless we're doing something just between us like making a baby celebrating something or we just can't resist ravaging one another for any longer but i'm not into guys never have been i'm heterosexual but i tolerate some unavoidable interactions with men on the account that it's impossible not to in the middle of a threesome

but that's done with intent for anyone but my wife and it's usually just occasionally collision or can feel each other through the separation of rectum and vagina the collision oh no i assume i mean yeah it's like even if it's just like you know touches or accidental or bumping or anything. Collision just sounds so like slow motion, like. Yeah. So she chose a guy this time. An old friend of hers I hadn't met before. And I'm going to skip all the buildup because I'm really in need of help and don't want to draw up the sexual achievement list.

Dinner, movie, bed. Skip a lot of play and build up. And we were finally both going at my wife. In the middle of prolonged engagement with me and my wife's sex and him and her ass, he says he needs to take a break. I can't explain to you how good my wife feels. I didn't want to stop. I was really into it and so was she. She makes these very primal noises when she's beside herself with pleasure and it's a narcotic for me. So he leaves her and goes behind me to his backpack that's laying on the bedroom floor. Don't know what he's getting I just heard him shuffling around in it. Then I hear

slash sense he's walking up behind me. I'm not an idiot. I can figure he's either going to bash my head in or try to interact with me from behind. Bashing my head in is unlikely given the scenario, hopefully, but I just kept going, thrusting into my wife and falling into bliss. I nearly let myself go with hopefully, but I just kept going, thrusting into my wife, and falling into bliss.

I nearly let myself go with it, but the moment he touched me, I couldn't. I rejected his advance and discovered he was lubing himself a while away. Then learned my wife planned this. He's not really at all into girls, but was interested in me. Supposedly, he has a thing for men in uniform, and wanted to take my

gaygenity, or so he called it. Now I'm feeling pretty hurt, to be honest, but I don't know if I'm allowed to be. I feel like she and her were trying to take my gaygenity, or so he called it. Now I'm feeling pretty hurt, to be honest, but I don't know if I'm allowed to be. I feel like she and her were trying to take something away from me, that my wife had chosen to do something to me more for herself and what she wants than I do. I mean, is it okay for me just not to want to be sexual with a male? It's been many years since we were married and never once has this ever been an issue, but I'm lost about how to feel. she basically says that i was inappropriate that evening and it's over now get over it to be honest i think she's as guilty as i am and i don't like being the cause of that but again damn it how am

i supposed to feel oh uh yeah like consent it's a thing we talk about on the podcast it's very important and it doesn't matter if you're a guy or a girl so yeah you're not obliged to fucking have sex with someone just because your wife agreed to it without you present also without like any conversation just being like oh i need to take a break and now i'm gonna sneak up behind you and fuck you yeah now like to the guy's credit if he had talked to the wife and they were close and she said oh he's into this like blah blah blah you know i i can't exactly or like it's understandable maybe that he just thought that was on the table yes yeah that's fair so i don't think he's necessarily in the wrong probably could handle things better but like the wife that's pretty fucked up and yeah it's very much

okay for you to be upset with the way things shook out because that's not cool yeah i i don't understand like at no point in time, did you act inappropriately to have someone like, presumably you've been married with her? You say a very long time. You've had seemed very open sexually. I assume at some point in time you have mentioned, Hey,

I'm straight and I don't like fucking men. If you've had multiple threesomes with other guys and you have never engaged in any sort of sexual activity with those guys i think it would be pretty safe to assume that that's not changing anytime soon at least not without a conversation so for her to be like hey i want to watch you get fucked by a dude but i'm not going to tell you about it and i don't care if you want to or not yeah and even if you guys hadn't extensively covered all these things and she just kind of thought, or maybe something happened that made her think, oh, he might've changed,

or it was your very first time with a guy and she just assumed none of those are okay either. Like there's no way this goes down without a very clear and again, enthusiastic conversation where you consent. So the fact that these things didn't happen is pretty fucked and you say like i know you said that like oh he might that the guy might have i still think like you still need to communicate especially if you hadn't talked to this guy or you know i mean like i think you should still give someone warning before inserting yourself into them and it doesn't have to be like hey just so you know i'm gonna fuck you now it like it doesn't have to be like but like being like oh i need a break.

And then sort of disappearing from eyesight only to for the next interaction, me being like, here I come. Yeah, for sure. That's why I said he probably could have handled it better because like, we don't know what the wife said. The wife could have been like, oh, he's totally down. It's like, he doesn't want to talk about it. Or like, he likes to be surprised or, know you should have said anything and it's like this guy's obviously gonna trust his friend unless it is more you know sinister than that and he knew that the guy wasn't down either way it's like i'm not throwing him into the completely free of shitness pile he could have handled things a lot better and

i think talking about boundaries in any kind of like kinky field and, you know, threesome falls under that is, is huge. And I think in general, it's like, you should know like where your boundaries lay because threesomes cause so many problems. Like we always have questions about threesomes. So it's like, you should all talk and discuss your boundaries and what you'll be doing with each other and what's on the table and what's off the table, even for things as simple as like, your boundaries and what you'll be doing with each other and what's on the table and what's off the table. Even for things as simple as like, you know, what you're doing with the partner that you're allowed touch. So, yes, he definitely should have clarified things.

And this is pretty fucked up and you are in no way wrong for feeling betrayed and hurt. And she took your kind of any consideration from you and threw it out the window. And that sucks. Yeah, I think you definitely need to sit down and have a conversation be like hey i need you to know like you keep saying get over it and i feel like well you know what like i can almost tell you right now that is a defensive mechanism that she knows she fucked up and is now trying to play the like your guy get over it like it's not that big of a deal get over it like you're not allowed to have feelings yeah so i think you need to sit her down and be like hey we need to talk about

this because one you did something completely without my consent you lied to your friend presumably about so it's like if we're going to continue to have threesomes also if we're going to continue to have a healthy and happy marriage you need to understand that like you don't get to do that and i'm not being unreasonable for being upset yeah like the two of you did something that i was not cool with and the fact that you are now treating me like the bad person for not wanting something we never talked about is unfair it's gaslighting and i need you to know right now that I will not put up with that. Yeah. Like I can't imagine having sex with someone I don't trust,

especially in such a bad way. You know what I mean? It's not even like, Oh, I don't trust her to like be fun or I don't trust her to like really listen to my direct, you know, like all these things,

which can be like kind of bad, but like, it's fully like, I don't trust her with my safety. I don't trust her to give a fuck about what i think or feel right because again she just completely ignored his consent yeah i think you really sit her down and that's why like questions like this break my heart because i'm sure this guy feels that way and is now second guessing himself and is kind of going on here to be like is it cool and i do find the the one where he's like am i allowed not like a guy it's like

yes yeah it's no it's literally no different than if i was trying to pressure if i had a heterosexual woman and i was trying to pressure them into having a threesome in which they participated with another woman or like if you had a gay friend you're like no you have to fuck this girl like that's insane yeah like a lesbian it like no you have to fuck this girl like that's insane yeah like i like lesbian it was like you have to fuck this guy like no you're allowed like what you like yeah our sexualities you know being straight isn't a choice the same way that being gay is not a choice i'm not attracted to men so i will not have sex with a man let's just say even if you were you still get to choose on a man by man basis. You know what I mean?

You don't, it's not like, Oh, I sleep with men. Cool. My friend's going to creep up behind you and fuck you. Cool. I guess I don't have anything to say about that.

Cause you're right. I'm into dudes. That's not how it fucking works. So you are fully in the right. And your wife, again, Dan, you're probably right.

She's just trying to create a smoke screen or an argument or browbeat slash fucking gaslight him into giving up on this because she knows what she did is fucked up and i think you should be fully allowed to call her on that yeah you you definitely need to not accept get over it as an answer and be like no i need you to acknowledge that what you did was fucked up and i need you to acknowledge that you're not going to do it again and i would like an apology yeah i don't think any of those things are uh you know unreasonable to ask for in this scenario i don't even think they're unreasonable i think they're fucking necessary because i literally don't see how you could get back into bed especially in any kind of adventurous capacity

with someone who basically broke rule number one yeah i mean that's the thing is like i certainly wouldn't be chomping at the bit to try anything new or even just have sex they're like what are you just gonna now be like you you have a fixation for whatever reason about me being fucked in the ass are you gonna like start sticking fingers up there are you gonna like find a sneaky butt plug like like what do i now have to worry about and that is a terrible position to be in as a sexual partner yeah there's nothing more attractive than being uncomfortable and scared yeah nothing says an enjoyable sexual experience like being consciously aware of how tight my butthole is to make sure no one's gonna try to put something in

it yeah so you gotta talk because that's pretty fucked up and you are in the right again unless you turned around and said some awful things to this guy but even then it's like you could kind of be forgiven and again i'm not really being like you could see you carte blanche but like if you're taking my surprise and in this bad situation and you reacted like not perfectly tactfully unless you said some mad shit it's like yeah i could understand why you would be upset because you were in fact upset for valid reasons so as long as you didn't enter into like a homophobic tirade if you didn't just jump into slur city or something you know what i mean but like yeah if you were like what the dude and she's like wow you were out of line you were very rude to my friend it's like yes i was rude to him because i was put in this awful position which is your fault yeah you know what also is rude?

Trying to put your dick in my ass without consent. Yeah. All right, you ready? Yeah. I'm going to lighten the mood a little bit. And by that I mean, I'm going to say, I'm going to do something that's going to hurt my soul. All right. It's got to be quick, though, because we're almost there.

Well, it's on us. How quickly can we answer it? This is by a wild jaker. My partner wrongly thinks I've never seen Lord of the Rings, so he wants to marathon all of the extended editions. What can I say slash do to wind him up during it? Be like, surely there's like a dragon or something they can ride just right in? Like a big bird or something?

Surely they could just get on a big bird and fly? Like, why are they walking? Every time you meet new characters, you're like, is he the Lord of the Ring? Is that, is that dildo? Yes. Yeah. It's dildo, dildo ball bag. Is he dildo ball baggins?

Constantly shout, you shall not pass. Anytime anyone stops anyone from doing anything. No, you have to misquote it. You can't get by. You, you have to misquote it. You can't get by! You're not allowed to move past me! When Gandalf the White comes back, don't ever recognize him.

Why do they keep calling him Gandalf? He died. Yeah, he's gone. Who's this guy? Talk about how racist it is. Yeah, everything here is an allegory for something terrible. Be on the orc side. You know what?

And I think this one's actually great. Do a deep dive that completely derails your entire movie experience. When the orcs say, looks like meat's back on the menu, boys. And then you can be like, wait, wait, hold on. Stop the movie. That implies these orcs know what a menu is sorry the uruk-hai know what a menu is is there is there menus and in us in fucking like mordor are there are there menus in isengard what are these menus what are these restaurants like

probably pretty fair is the fact that there are restaurants and that most of the uruk-hai have been eating a vegan diet then talk about that i'm pretty sure the uruk-hai have been eating a vegan diet. Mm-hmm. Then talk about that. I'm pretty sure the Uruk-hai were literally like carved out of the clay somehow weirdly like the day before, fully grown as well too. So it's like, that's probably all they knew was a restaurant. And then they were sent off on this mission. They probably went to one restaurant ever in their life. And then they were just like tossed out to the wild

to hunt some small people with rings. Talk about that for way too long. Every orlando blooms i'll scream be like i don't understand why they keep calling him legless he has two constantly reference how none of the characters from the hobbit are in it and talk about how good the hobbit is yeah be like why why haven't they cgi'd so many things that didn't need to be cgi why doesn't it look like a bad child's cartoon half the time? There's not enough singing in this. Oh, every time they do it, it's just like, no, it's because of the animated version.

I heard the book's better. Or to even just, hey, the book is better. To really get him going, when he shows up, be like, don't worry, I've got them all. Play, just only have the animated version. Yeah. You wanted to watch lord of the rings i torrented it i got it i'm only watching the version that has aragorn in a very short skirt every time aragorn does anything tell him that's the scene where he broke his toe

whenever anyone says angela potatoes potatoes tell them you're gonna make dinner and only make potatoes yeah you know boil them mash them and then stick them in the stew because mashed potatoes in a stew not gonna be great yeah i i think you can hmm anything else we got anything else to add to this i'm gonna read the comments see if there's anything funny okay uh anytime anyone shows up on screen ask do they want the ring too it's a pretty good one oh there was a very funny meme on a climbing page where just scoffing about the fact that gandalf fully had his hands in this giant crack and couldn't even throw up a nice mantle just be like he should put

a high knee and fucking mantle that jug hey why can't he send his proj talk about how your favorite character is boromir and that you really hope nothing bad happens to them just cry when Boromir dies for the remaining two movies or call them like Glandalf yeah you have to have bad names for everyone is that Hamwise Hamwise Hamwise Samgi constantly just say oh Sam is definitely gonna betray Frodo someone says call them sauron and sauron man i'll be like shouldn't that i see them right now why doesn't the eye see them uh that's gonna do it for us friends um but before we leave we like to hop on uh online dating profiles and uh so just tinder bumble and hinge comb through them see what works see what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable now do we like it what you always say we like to yeah we have to it's work dane this is fucking work hey if you don't enjoy what you do or if

you enjoy what you do you never work a day in your life yeah that's work this is sharon get you a girl that smiles when you choke her laughing emoji summer. Summer fling. You know what? They've said what they want, which is obviously a summer fling, and they made a sexual reference, so I'm pretty sure they're nailing what they want. I would be concerned that people who are not sexually eloquent would just take that as carte blanche to choke them without talking it through, you know what I mean, or being like a responsible partner, but a seven. Yeah, I'm giving giving a seven as well uh this is page non-negotiable please don't come to me and say i don't drink like people who don't drink can't talk to her is that what she's saying or she's

yep i guess she says please don't say that to her i mean great a very cool energy to have about someone's fairly personal life choices. And also, what does it say about your drinking habits if you can't even stand to engage in conversation with someone who doesn't drink? Yeah, it's a zero. Yeah, it's a zero. Because if there's ever a red flag, it's someone who can't possibly fathom that someone can't drink alcohol. This is Ella. 5'8", just for fun, not trying to date you.

Yeah, I'm real. Shut up and come over. You know what? Again, they want to hook up. It's funny enough. And they get what they want to get across. That's 7 as well. You know, anytime anyone says that they are real, it makes me a little nervous.

You know what? You're right. That is a either they're very much not real or it's like yeah look how hot i am you're right six yeah yeah i'm gonna give it a six as well you know we we talk about this being red flags that is i think a red flag just like yeah i'm real uh so this is interesting because i don't know if it's the same person it might be the same page i don't have a picture to go with the second one, but if it is, let's further delve into the page chronicles.

Page, about me. My drink order, depending on where we're going. Restaurant, a margarita. I'm not picky on flavor or if it's frozen versus not frozen. Bar slash club, rum and coke. Probably a double. Park, coolers. usually skinny bitch coolers what are you drinking seems very focused like this is this we should send page over to uh

that other one who couldn't possibly fathom people not drinking well they're both called page i think it actually might be the same page just like different shots of her bumble profile but also like this is the most boring fucking lists of drinks hey let me tell you we were pretty spot on about being like hey your your habits of drinking are bad if the next thing on your dating profile is the various things that you're going to drink yeah at various locations All of which are super basic. Yeah. Yeah. Are you good, Paige? You good, Paige? Paige, are you alright? You can get help. Uh, this is Lily. I lost my lighter.

Can I get a match? And like the little ooo-oo emoji. Ooo-oo emoji. Okay. That's fun. Yeah. I'll give it a seven. See, I don't want to give her a six, like a unreal. I'm gonna give her a five. Yeah. Because it's cute to give her a six. Like, I'm real. I'm going to give her a five. Yeah.

Because it's cute, but it's kind of nothing. That's the thing. We're here to talk about good profiles. I think that's a very cute opener, but I need something more. Because right now it's 100% dependent on what you look like. Yeah. If she's cute, you're going to get a swipe. If you're not cute, or if I don't she's cute, you're going to get a swipe. If you're not cute or if I don't find you cute,

you're going to get a pass. And I think that this could easily be bumped up with a little bit, just a little basic information about yourself. You know what? You're right. Like this we're rating profiles, not people, not pictures.

So it's like this profile, what does it do for this person? And it's kind of a grit. That's it. You go, okay. So like, what does that add to your, to your picture? Probably nothing. Maybe, maybe one, you know what I mean?

One little bump of like slightly more interest. Meh. So yeah, five, six. This is MMX. Let's take a dump together. Oh boy. I mean, I got to give that a one because i don't want to do that and i you know but like at the same time like i don't know if it's necessarily a red flag because i'm sure there are people that enjoy doing that i'm not gonna yoke their young but i also feel like if that's

all you know what if that's all you're looking for maybe this is a 10 yeah it's tough this is a tough one because but like at the same time i think again i think you need a little bit i think you need a little bit more you need to clarify if you are joking yeah or like dump on each other like are you just dumping side by side like yeah i don't know i don't know tandem dump dumping on each other yeah you we need clarification so i don't think it's wrong because, it's a good get one. This is Chrysler. Ain't no such thing as a gold digger. Women are naturally expensive.

So choose the bitch in your price range and stay in your lane. Oh, hey, sorry. That's the picture. This is the profile. I'm also up for a positive challenge. Travel, love, outdoor adventures, fitness, and is an early riser. We'll tell it to you straight. Don't have time to butter it up.

And big believer in respect, 100. Please non-smokers only. Please stay in your lane. Thank you. This person sucks. Why are you so concerned about me and where my lane is? Because you need to afford, you need to get the bitch you can afford. Dane, I believe is what she said very clearly.

Uh, it's really nice to just equate women to like goods and products and services almost. Yeah. That's the irony of her being like, I liked respect though. It's like, you don't respect anyone here.

You respect other women. Cause you think they're, you know, there's price tags on them and I respect men because you think they're just wallets. Yep. No, you suck. Zero. This one I love.

Are you ready? Mm-hmm. You want to take a breath? This is Rachel. RIP to your grandma, but I'm different. Hey, what? RIP to your grandma, but I'm different. Are you saying you're going to kill my grandma? Or are you saying

that I hope your mother does, or your grandma does have a peaceful afterlife, but I'm still alive? She's assuming your granny's dead, does want her to rest peacefully, and is different to her.

I mean, presumably, if my grandma is dead and you are alive then yes there is a fundamental difference between the two of you what if my granny's rad as hell are you saying you're shit yeah well not your granny's not rad anymore because she will kill her is it like i'm you know i'm not the girl you bring home to your mother she's the girl who the presence of kills your granny like is she taking it one step further like it's like oh don't not not don't bring me back to your mom but i i will murder your granny presence alone yeah what does it mean i'm the girl that your mom warned me about because i will kill

her mother yeah please don't bring rachel home please If you see this woman, you run. It's so powerful. It's such a great sentence. What does it mean? What does it mean? Yeah, that's a zero for me because. It might be a 10. I don't know.

Here's the thing. You give it a one, I'll give it a zero. Yeah, okay. No, I'm going to also give it a zero because. What? a zero and yeah okay no i'm gonna also give it a zero because what uh that's gonna do us friends thank you very much for hanging out with us on this scorching sweltering hot day i don't know how we did it i don't know how we survived an hour but we did we did do it it's true and you also did it and hopefully it's not a hot day for you. Or even if it is, it's like a nice day. Not like you sweating out of everything.

Yeah. I mean, hey, we might not even make it to the Monday where this gets released. For all we know, the world could just burn right up. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Because it feels like that's on the verge of what's happening. Well, you know what, guys? If you want to support these sweaty boys, head on over to our Patreon, where you can, less than the price of one coffee a month, support us for about the price of one Starbucks coffee a month,

get an extra episode every month and our entire back catalog. And for the price of, you know, a beer and a coffee, you can get priority question queue, which means you submit a question we get it immediately into the next episode and look i'll tell you right now you don't need that money the world's about to implode it's about to catch fire just give it to us because we will be on a capsule being since the aliens in their like record of the heat death of the earth so exactly look i'm gonna be honest with you. You're not going to need the money.

You're going to burn up and become charred skeletons. We are going to amass your money and build a very cool Bezos-Musk rocket. We're going to enter the space race, is what I'm saying. But ours is going to be potentially phallic. If we get one patron this month, we're going to build a rocket ship and go to space

no Dane we've already made too many promises okay I would love you guys thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvest Seeds for the song Paper Stars you got some bad sex right for me Dane I do yes I wrote it myself

he reached down into her trousers and found not one, but two lumps of furry fuzziness. In between this patch of adolescent moss, he found a swamp. That was by me. Next week, we're just going to be doing for the 200th episode because it's going to be a little different and we're going to do it without that sicko who just spoke so come back for Niles Spain's

sex pains well I remember when I said it was going to be different it's going to be just me dramatically reading all of my sex treasures incredible my name is Dave Miller and I'm Niles Spain and we've been your fuck buddies.