F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 202 - Gwyneth’s True Name

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

We accidentally spoke an unspeakable evil into this world and we apologize for the coming emergence of the end times.  Topics include what makes good sex, being attracted to other people while in a relationship, Goop's true intentions, what happened to Jessica Alba, Pitbull trivia, the secret words that make women horny.

Hey listeners, before we get to the episode, we want to take a moment to address the June 24th Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. This decision stripped away the legal right to have a safe and legal abortion. Restricting access to comprehensive reproductive care, including abortion, threatens the health and independence of all Americans and others should other countries do this too. This decision could also lead to the loss of other rights. To learn more about what you can do to help, go to choice.crd.co. We encourage you to speak up, take care, and when I'm trusting, I love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations try them into sexy sticky situations do you say try them into yeah okay well a little it's a little more uh wrong no like non-definitive i don't want to say that we're gonna do it we're gonna we're gonna give it a go and then you try to turn them into no that doesn't okay i was it's all about seo baby you

gotta keep it as you said it that you were doing a really good job reading them out and was going to comment on that and you immediately fucked it up i don't think i did say try i was just i was just rolling with you i might have we'll see we'll see hey we've got this on audio record we can see what i've said uh i weird podcast yes sex and dating advice questions we try them yeah either from you or from reddit tryingly trying trying the triangles triangles this is our word association we're killing it so far um i might have heat stroke currently my head is pounding and i just cycled on my brand new bike which is great and i'm in my 30s so i'm hung over for two days it's fair uh you ready for some questions we're just gonna get into it let's start with some seduction hold on sex news um not great news

but something to be aware of apparently facebook turned over a bunch of dms to i believe it was the georgia government saw that uh to help prove that she had an abortion. That's fucked. So be careful about what you say, where you say it, and who you say it to, because everyone out here is knocking. So be safe and be careful, friends. Fucking Zuckerberg?

More like fuckerberg. Yeah, more like cuckerberg. Fuckerberg, I think is the right way to go. Suckerberg? S fuckerberg I think is the right way to go Suckerberg? Sucker nerd? Damn, Facebook is not gonna stop giving us those free advertising dollars they also won't allow us to use

that we can't use yet He's been fucking with us for years He's like, oh here's some money, oh great, can we use it on advertising? Nope, can we use it on anything else? Nope, but I'm gonna email you about it every time you log on. This is a deduction. This is by Zaiswar.

What is good sex? The kind of sex that makes you stand out? Male perspective, please. Thank you. Okay. I assume this is a woman then? I assume it's a guy. Oh, for clarification, I'm a woman wanting to hear men's thoughts.

On what's good sex? Yeah. Okay. This is a fun question, particularly coming from seduction. But I mean, it doesn't have anything to do with seduction. I don't know. I can't wait to go through the comments. I haven't looked at them yet.

Please no. Okay. Good sex for me, I think, is I want to be excited about it I want to I want to like if it's a date I I want to be like almost antsy to to you know get to it yeah um I think that like I think the anticipation is a very big big thing for me I think chemistry is another really important thing for me um in terms of like just just that like unspoken sort of impossible to manufacture connection you have with someone whether it's it's sexual chemistry or like romantic chemistry or like whatever it is hopefully like all of it but like that that sort of like electricity that

spark that you have that like really can't be fake no and also like there's i don't think there's anything really work to like make it no i mean like i'm sure there are some things you could do but i think it just kind of happens or it doesn't you're always going to meet people where you just fucking connect with or don't yeah uh and i think when you have it great if you're trying to manufacture it with someone i think that's a fool's journey yes yeah it's a pointless you know i still always need it either and sometimes it can develop 100 um but if we're talking about like a perfect sexual experience yes that that sort of like spark and electricity of just being like you know you make out the same

way you know what i mean like your your internal rhythms are the same the there's like almost no verbal uh communication required it's just sort of like you you are in simpatico carnal yeah physical yeah so like that i think is is a really really good indicator that the sex is going to be good um and and then like fun yeah fun was definitely and we've talked about this yeah so many times fun is key fun is always key no matter like and don't get me wrong like sex is is almost always going to be fun in a certain sense yes because it's sex but like there should be play yes and even then yes there's gonna be physical play there's gonna be foreplay yeah um this is the five this is the fifth play, though.

This is the five play. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Like, when you can actually sort of, like, you know, if you do bonk heads, it doesn't feel like you've ruined the section. You know what I mean? It doesn't feel like you need to call cut and, like, try it over again.

Yeah. You fucking laugh about it, and then that elevates the experience as opposed to makes it more awkward. And, like, it's not this, like, weird, intense movie sex it and then that elevates the experience as opposed to makes it more awkward exactly and like it's not this like weird intense movie sex where like everyone's staring and the lights are dark and like nobody you know like that that can be good but like you still need to be fun to to do that i think like i think fun should always be prevalent even if it's you know even if you're having really intense sex it's like you still need to be fun

you know yeah and that could be anything i think it's like a lack of seriousness more so than an excess of fun like when people take it too seriously or like are too tense or too like yeah taking yourself too seriously yeah i think like nothing sort of makes me more removed from a sexual experience than if I feel like the other person is putting on a show. Yes. You know what I mean? If it,

if it seems too performative and that could be like through, you know, excessive moaning or like posturing or like, we've talked about it a thousand times. It's like if, if a certain position feels a certain way and it feels better when you lift a leg up, i don't care if there's a roll no like i literally do not see it i have role blindness but like during

sex i don't think anyone even ever really sees role you know what i mean like no we're all human and yes i understand that like every single fucking selfie people take no one's popping a roll there unless they're doing a look look, I have rolls too post, which they'll do in the midst of their hundred other perfect pictures. That's its own thing. If you're taking a fucking selfie and you're getting your lighting, of course you're going to pose in a certain way.

But that's not sex. And if you think that's how sex should be, get out. Get out of here. So don't think about that. I think for me, enthusiasm, like on top of what we've been talking about enthusiasm yeah confidence and again not the like sexy movie star like sultry confident like yeah like seriousness just like actual confidence confidence to like be who you are in that moment which again is part of being open to having fun and being fun and like enjoying yourself

yeah i think there's there's something to be said about like um and again this is from a male point of view but like a woman who's willing to like just kind of bask in her glory without pretense yes like that that is so sexy and even if it's just something as simple as like things getting hot and heavy and like they've decided that they're wearing too much clothing and that and they take it upon themselves to like tear it off themselves like to me that's that's such a sexy thing for a woman to do because i'm like it just shows that like one you're into this as much as i am two you want to be naked as much as i want you to be naked. Always good. And three, you're confident in your body.

You don't want to hide anything. You don't want to keep a shirt on or a bra on or whatever. And again, if you do, that's fine. I know there are plenty of women, especially women who have larger boobs. I've had multiple times people believe me. It's way more comfortable to have the sex that I want to have with a bra on because it's too much moving

around even just like coming out and saying that that's the confidence that we're talking about here you know what i mean um so yeah confidence fun enthusiasm again there's nothing worse than getting a half-hearted blow job um and i think a lot of i think a lot of the times isn't isn't a lack of enthusiasm it's a it's a lack of like all the other things we've talked about yeah you know what i mean i think i think they're having fun and i think they want to do it but i think that there is a certain amount of posturing and a certain amount of like well that's it it's it's like the stiffness that comes with like okay it's blow job time i need to do you know instead of it being like a fun act if that makes you know what i mean like yeah i'm not saying

people are doing it against their will but like there is a certain kind of like stiffness yeah i'm not just talking about dicks yeah like i i think one of the the things that like i love so much is like when people just relish in the moment of whatever they're doing so if like if they're giving a blow job they know how good it feel you know i mean like they feels they are appreciating what they're doing for me in the same way that when I go down on someone that's my whole jam

I fucking love it the better it feels for them the better it is for me it's just like this I'm having so much fun I'm having the most fun and the better it gets the more. I'm having so much fun. Yeah. Like I'm having the most fun and the better it gets, the more fun I'm having. And it's like.

Yeah. It's great. I fucking love it. And when I get that. That's why people. I think there's like that disconnect of oral sex, specifically when being performed on a woman. I think so many guys don't like it, quote unquote aren't good at it quote unquote i'm rolling my eyes for those who aren't in the closet because they aren't willing to commit yeah right like

and the same thing with their partner their partner might not also be relaxing and letting themselves go you know what i mean so there's so there's a like a nervousness on on both sides and it's just like to just sort of melt into that moment and just let someone pleasure you and then let that wash over you literally quite literally yeah it's oh it's so good it's so good and like we've we've been talking about more and more about how like sex isn't just penis vagina insertion of course not you know what i mean someone you fuck until someone comes and then most often men um but like i would be i would be content in a sexual experience if for whatever reason it was just me going down on someone oh yeah right like i i would

and like i i enjoy those kind of things where like if it is sort of like a quick busy you know we only have a certain amount of time. I would happily just be like, I'm going to go down on you, make you come and like, let you think about that. And you can go off to work and have the best day. Uh, for sure.

For sure. And even like, yeah, I totally agree. Uh, I will say on the topic of people coming, I don't want to say good sex is sex where everybody comes. Yeah.

Because you can have good sex without it. i think that should always be the goal and i think if you don't want someone to come unless it's a predetermined agreed upon enthusiastic kink where that's the point i think you're a shitty sexual partner right if you don't care if you don't want to then you suck yeah you know uh if someone can't that's fine i don't like you know we want to close the orgasm gap here you know we always advocate for making people come especially women because sadly they don't get enough but i think it is important to know that you can have good sex without that happening for a variety of reasons one so that people can be honest if their partner doesn't make them come and therefore build towards better sex and you don't just have this

like girl faking her orgasm all the time thing that doesn't fucking help anybody too so that if you're told that they didn't come you don't freak out and like get upset or have a tantrum or don't try next time or blame yourself or you know and three so that if someone says i had a great time but you know they didn't come you can believe them because again it can happen on both sides of the table right i think that's important but i do want to hammer home that we think you should still be trying in in the most positive way yeah and that yeah in the perfect world everyone would come yeah i mean, I've had tons of sexual experiences where I haven't been able to come for any number of reasons. Usually, almost, I would say that 90% of the time is because it's too fucking hot.

Or, you know, I'm just tired. Like, those are, like, the two things. And it's just, like, where, you know, I hit a certain internal temperature. And I could probably fuck forever. Like, I just don't think it would I would pass out from heat stroke before I would come I don't know what it is about the heat that does it there's something just so shitty because like

fucking takes a lot of energy and generates a lot of heat yeah and it's like when you're hot and you just have to increase that and like it gets to the point where instead of like your you know cum valve building like a video game where you hit the point and then you know your pleasure meter i don't know how this you know your climax building

that's the better way to do it cum valve it is though uh instead of that building or at least you thinking of that it's just the heat and the heat and the heat and the effort and the sweat and like well so i kind of get it for me it's definitely been like if i've had too much to drink and it's like i've got it up but it's not gonna finish you know i mean there's been times where it's like and you just get tired and does that mean i had a bad time no would i want to come sure but like if i'm with someone especially if they had a great time fuck yeah you know what i mean it's like there's always tomorrow morning or in 20 minutes after a gatorade and we've cooled down a bit you know it's fine i mean that's that's usually for me it's like in like during morning sex i remember

there's someone if i stayed over at their place they did not have ac and their excuse me their window like just was just the sun yeah just like a fucking magnifying glass and like nine times out of 10, most of the sex we had would be in the morning. And it was just like, it's just like, it's just so high. It's like, I love fucking you a lot. It's a lot,

a lot of fun. I have a great time, but like this heat though, like no, I hear you. And that's like, another thing is like, even like comfort,

you know what I mean? Comfort temperature that can affect so many things on both sides of the table this study a while ago where they found that women orgasmed more if they wore socks hmm yeah interesting that was just a just a thing and whether it was due to like comfort or temperature or maybe i don't know the parameters of the study maybe women were more comfortable wearing socks with people they liked more and felt less judged by you know what i mean i don't really know what the whole thing was so i probably shouldn't throw it out there but whatever there you go wear some socks wear some socks wear wear two pairs niles 100 guarantee yeah suck it up for orgasms the more socks no suck it up

you got to suck it up is there anything else you want to add? No, I do want to say it's like, I think trying to figure out what good sex is. I feel like if we asked 20 dudes, they would all say wildly different things. So I think you need to stop. Like as with everything about sex and dating, stop thinking so broad. Yeah.

Right. Like stop, stop saying, do men like X or what is good sex because that's like saying like is chocolate good yeah some people fucking hate chocolate some people can't i hate chocolate very sick some chocolate is bad some chocolate is bad chocolate is poisonous to dogs exactly if you're a dog listening to this podcast the sex we just described could be terrible no um and and

that's one thing i like about what we talked about here is like i think we also stuck to generalities in a way because like i don't think anyone's gonna be mad that someone's enthusiastic yeah no or fun or like you know yeah and maybe someone listening is like fuck you guys that's the vaguest fucking answer i want like they kiss the earlobe they blah blah and it's like yeah some of these things would be good but those specifics the danger is and what seduction likes to do is here's this one ticket as a wild trick that dentists hate you know it's like well some dentists love that do we want to talk specifically like what well i think that would defeat the purpose of what we're doing okay you know i was you know in case people were curious well if people are curious they can follow up with us hey let's let's say this

what is one thing that you like that would really like really makes a sexual encounter for you like one specific thing and that way we don't have to go through like a step-by-step process but like one thing that like you see from i know this is probably a bullshit answer, but it feels to me like a combination of the stuff before with like chemistry. You know what I mean? It's certain people. I've never looked back and gone, Oh,

someone did this one thing. Okay. It's like that person. Yeah. You know, I understand what you're saying. I do remember once getting a hand job. So incredible that I asked the girl out the next day.

Cause my dick still felt good. 20 later like that was fucking wild so there you go i was quite young but still hey she fucking she i think i mentioned in the hand job episode probably like she jerked me off and then like as i came got her my cum in her hand and used that as lube on my dick that was so sensitive from the handjob and like you know that like period where it's extra sensitive and it can be hell but like it was really crazy i don't know man it's wild you do you think that she did it on purpose or do you think it was all just a sloppy mistake you know what i don't know because like we well no actually yeah i think it was some kind of mistake or someone that told her something or whatever because because like, I don't remember her repeating it again.

And she didn't have like finesse with a lot of other stuff. So I don't know, maybe it was an accident, but like, damn girl. For me, I think I would say naturally falling into a submissive role. Like, I think if the woman I'm with naturally sort of like trust me enough to sort of fall into a sub role uh even if it's like a really soft because obviously like we haven't discussed yeah safe words or parameters or kinks or like anything like that but just sort of like it makes me feel very very good and like i relax like 10 times more of being like oh this person trusts me enough in this sort of very vulnerable space to navigate this like on the fly yeah and i like and i prefer to take a dominant role uh in bed so like it's nice to like almost skip a couple

steps safely sure right you know what i mean you're already kind of like what we talked about earlier where it's like you're reading each other's cues yeah stuff like i guess that's probably already happening or at the very least your cues match like a jigsaw. So yes, those things are good for sure. Like I love when a woman is willing to trust me and then sort of like tell me what they want as well. Because it's like, it really gives me a good snapshot and a good clear picture of who they are as a sexual partner

because they're like one going to be trusting to communication is there. And like three, you've got sort of that, that initial, like off the cuff, like as we talked about chemistry of, of being like, here are the things like, here's what I want. And like, for, I think for most dudes would be antithesis to being submissive because i should be telling you what you want but like me understanding that that relationship doesn't work that way like it's just so sexy yeah to have someone be like here's what i want and it's for you to do what you want kind of thing yeah you know what i mean like that that's that's a very very hot thing for me in a sexual experience.

And I think that if that happens, I'm very, very happy. Yeah. I also feel like that has a certain amount of like confidence and experience behind it too, which is always a pretty good indication. Yeah. I will say we kind of didn't mention, I meant to, uh, communication as well. It's like, if people are willing to communicate and again, I think it's wrapped up in everything else, but it's like to give a shit about you and your pleasure,

especially like, I feel like we talk a lot about men talking to women about, you know, what they need. And again, look at the orgasm gap. They need that a lot. Yeah. But I think a lot of women don't seem to talk about it with regards to men, where it's just like, man, they're easy. The dick, you just jerk it.

You know, where it was like, there are, there's a world of different things you can do that people will like or not like and you know i think that's a really good thing as well yeah yeah yeah and listening yeah yeah talking about things and like if someone says they don't want their nipples played with don't play with their fucking nipples exactly can you just leave the nipples alone if you want to ruin a thing it's like there's this weird like he i i people seem to think it's cute to ignore what you say. Yeah.

Uh, and then get upset when you are like upset about it. And I'm like, no, if, if it was, if roles are reversed, this would be terrible. So it's like, why is it fine for you to ignore me saying something very specific? Yeah. I don't know. That's happened a few times and it seems to be always the same. Like he, he, he, like I'm so mischievous. It's like, no, that's fucked. It's like, if times. It seems to be always the same. I'm so mischievous.

No, that's fucked. If you want to be mischievous or fun, great. There are a million ways to do that other than ignoring my consent or my opening up and being communicative and honest. It's like, don't be that person. That's not cute. You got one? This is from Dry Engine.

Attraction to other people while on a relationship. Now, English is definitely not their first language in here. So we will, let's not focus too much on that as a 25 year old female and a 27 year old male. And who's the question asking a female. So I have a partner and we recently had a conversation about being attracted to other people while in a relationship.

I'm bisexual, not attracted to anyone, but my partner at all. I do find people attractive, but can never have any sexual thoughts about this person. Even the thought of kissing is disgusting for me. But my boyfriend said that he does feel attracted to other girls sexually. He said it is completely normal, specifically for men. It's like an instinct and he can't change. He's always complimenting, saying I'm the prettiest girl in the world, etc. But also says stuff like, like of course if you put someone attractive like a celebrity crush for example in front of me i'd want to fuck every man would but it's the choice of not doing it that i should focus on he says

because he's a commit because he's committed to our relationship is that normal or common i feel so insecure every time we go out i can see him checking out girls i instantly feel bad i've been trying to change and open my mind i really want some help please advice to get over uh yeah i think in this situation being revolted by people that aren't your partner is definitely the stranger of the two situations yes i think ever like again even look at celebrity crushes everyone's like oh shit chris hemsworth's hot as fuck right his clothes get blown off him and Thor. No one's sad about that, right? And the majority of people in the movie theater were there with their partners. Boom, there we go. Like, everyone has crushes.

People don't cease being attractive just because you're dating somebody else. And yes, the important thing is that you don't act on that. And I guess how you express it too. Like, there's a level of disrespect if you do it wrong. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. Like, if you're like, oh, that girl's... You know, like, you can do it the right you do it wrong you know yeah absolutely like if you're like oh that girl's you know like you can do it the right way in the wrong way yeah like i've been walking down the street before and like just some insanely ripped dude will jog by topless and me

and my girlfriend look at each other and be like damn i mean that's fine like i i get it she gets it there's nothing wrong with that and vice versa you know we're at the climbing gym and someone comes in we're like oh damn like and there's nothing wrong with that and vice versa you know we're at the climbing gym and someone comes in we're like oh damn like and there's nothing wrong with that we both know whereas like i'm sure well of course you could do it in a way that would be either disrespectful or upset your partner and i think that's just all there is to it it's like you should never expect your partner to just be like well there we go i mentally cut off all attraction to everybody and everything because if they've said that unless they're you in this rare case they're lying but i think you're lying too i think no the question is like what no but i i think i think you are you are either lying about the whole like

oh i couldn't possibly think of something like that or you're so repressed you know what i mean like you've you've repressed your sexuality so much that you believe that like monogamy is this like be all and end all that you know your brain shuts down you've lied to yourself about so many times that you're finally there maybe right like yeah my my fucking ex was insane about this kind of shit where like she would like watch a movie and she really like bruce willis great and she'd be like oh he's so hot i'm like yeah of course but then like if even someone else was on screen she'd like look at me and be like well you find her attractive yes fucking jessica alba of course i do you know everyone wears bruce willis and jessica alba sin city oh weird okay

yeah it's just like one. Okay. General advice for people in these situations. Jessica Alba's hot. Yeah. There we go. That's it. That's my advice. No,

don't be a fucking hypocrite. There shouldn't be a rule for you and a rule for them. If you're able to say Bruce Willis is hot, they're able to say Jessica Alba's hot too. If you find people attractive, don't pretend you don't. And like make your partner feel bad. Cause they do.

Yeah. Right. Like just be open with it. It's again, unless someone's being like really weird and disrespectful or like needling you or like going about it the wrong way which of course is hard to quantify then it's fine but i don't i don't think it is hard to quantify because you would know right like you would have to sort of like if they're doing something and it's making you uncomfortable you have to ask yourself and we talk about jealousy a lot but in a'm saying is, in this situation,

my ex thought it was fine for her to do whatever, and thought when I did it, that it was wrong. So like, she knew, she was just an ass. Yeah, that's just categorically wrong. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying is like the whole, oh, you'll know, is maybe not the best metric, because people can be fucking hypocritical assholes but i think on that on that note i think if that's the way you feel you need to bring it up or ask

yourself the like the question we talk about a lot with jealousy is being like do i have the right to be jealous fully right and then you you follow the flow chart of being like am i doing the same thing yes yes okay then we should make this flow chart yeah put it up on our and it's like no if you aren't then be like are they doing it intentionally and then if you feel like if if your partner is like every time like be like damn her ass is better than yours yeah yes absolutely that person is being a dick or it's like oh man i love girls with like you know big plump lips every time you know like if it seems like they're trying to like neg you or change you or make you feel bad about the

differences between you and them. But if an absolute cutie walks their way and you catch their eye kind of dart over for a second, no. They're not doing anything to hurt you there. And I understand that might make you a little self-conscious, make you a little jealous, but we're all human.

There's no way you aren't glimpsing at attractive people as well like i just i just refuse to believe it i just refuse and again if he's like leering at her and like following her down the road that's an issue you know if he's just like you know cat calling her and going like like yeah that's the problem he's doing mask and or bugs buddy style like his eyes don't stay in his head that's bad if his jaw dislocates and his his tongue rolls along the floor like a like a carpet yeah yes yeah absolutely talk to him you also might be dating a cartoon character yeah yeah which that's i think we already covered that very tough um in episode 17 yeah so but like

just be honest with yourself don't't create drama out of nothing. It's normal to feel self-conscious. Think about it instead of putting up walls and getting your guns out and all this shit. Think about it for a second. Are you doing it intentionally or are you just you know, is Jessica Alba just so hot that you're like, oh damn. The answer is yes.

And yeah, that's fine. Jessica Alba is that hot. You're allowed not feel as hot as Jessica Alba because like one, you are. You probably. But also Jessica Alba is not really a real person. Jessica Alba is not real? She's a DJ. Oh, fuck.

She's also a cartoon character. Like one of those holograms? Yeah. No, just like as in with celebrity stuff. It's like the odds of your boyfriend meeting Jessica Alba. I guess it doesn't matter, does it? But either way, you're allowed to be self-conscious. What happened to Jessica Alba?

What is she doing? Let's find out. Let's Google this real quick. This is our true crime podcast. We're trying to figure out what happened to Jessica Alba. Because it's a crime that I'm not seeing her on every screen. Right? She should be in every fucking movie.

Jessica Alba's 41 right now. Why is Jessica Alba a billionaire? She's a billionaire. She co-founded the non-toxic household good company the honest company she's a billionaire because her husband's name is cash cash warren oh like warren no she's an exec producer and starring in an upcoming thriller series yeah subscription service for diapers and baby wipes i'll see her soon i guess all right we need to get back to the podcast do you think she she's going to be in the new Fantastic Four movie?

I doubt it. Maybe as like a cameo. All right. She hasn't been doing a whole lot. She's too busy selling non-toxic baby wipes. Which, if I do say so, one of the best products to be non-toxic. You would imagine. It's the opposite of goop.

The goop, it's like, here's the thing. You put it inside your baby it's like here's a here's a thing you put it inside your baby and it makes them better it's like okay look gwyneth can we can we talk for a second well i do have to go meditate on my orb no but but like that that's very clearly a blade it's very it's a it's knife shaped can we talk about how gwyneth palto just wants to put things inside of people just to fuck them up yeah like she's got to be some kind of demon i don't know there's no way she isn't right like anyway why would you name it goop that's the sound that's what comes out when you put the things you know maybe no no gwyneth that's blood no it's goop yeah maybe that's like what her you know she needs goop yeah or maybe you reverse it maybe it's poog that's like what her you know she needs a goop yeah or maybe you reverse it maybe

it's poog that's her demon name shit you summoned her oh shit hey gwen that's fucking i spoke what is true name um should we should we move on yeah um so this one's by jessica poog alba uh this is by surf in gee how do guys pull girls at church and if it doesn't work out how do they keep going and trying if it doesn't work out and yes i'm going church with the intentions of getting closer to god first not hitting on girls first with that being said i guess the most logical answer is to feel things out it sounds like it's it's jesus yeah then girls which we say all the time that is that is our motto here at fuck buddies like we jesus first then women we got that tattooed episode three yeah on our spines oh man i just like imagine being so out of touch with the actual words that are coming out of your mouth in like full sincerity and not realizing

how dumb you sound and that being your whole personality it's so seduction yeah like it like it just blows my mind that this is that this is a a group of people that have resonated so like pitch perfect with one another well i do in the decline. Most of the comments are people being like, why can't we say awful shit anymore? Anytime someone says something nice and usually gets decent upvotes, they're like, why is he getting upvotes when I said that

all women like peppermint? But this is the problem. And we haven't talked about him. Do you know what Andrew Tate, this guy who's like now on the uprising i think so he's a kickboxer or was a kickboxer and then i think he was on big brother and then i think he got kicked off for being too much of a douchebag to be on big brother again i've tried very hard not to google him or look into him but he's he's like he makes joe rogan look like a cool dude yeah no he's just

you'd be worse it's like it's like someone took pitbull and joe rogan and combine them into a person so he's even better um so i'm not saying that pitbull i don't know pitbull stands on many things other than dale because we did yeah we did have a conversation so people did say cool is not good cool don't make money and cool is not what he wants and what he aims for what he aims for is uh proper growth that lasts forever especially monetarily because cool is cash money now but now is fleeting and he wants stuff that will give him cash money forever man people loves money he does love dale um but no i'm he looks you know will give him cash money forever. Man, Pipple loves money. He does love money. Dale.

But no, he looks... You know they call him Mr. Worldwide because like mathematics and music, he's one of the things that transcends the language barrier and cultural barriers. Why do you know so much about Pipple? Why do you have so much... Well, that's obviously a lie.

Oh, I don't know. Yeah, Pipple is the one thing like math and music that you could come from an alien species and be like, damn. But what I'm saying is that could be what he says. Oh, no, I don't know. Hey, maybe it is. Like, that could be his explanation. Let's find it out.

And the other thing was I saw a really dumb Instagram, and it looked like man quotes. But then when I went in, it was like a video video and it was him being like fuck cool well yeah because every time that like finance thing comes to toronto pitbull is always there yeah apparently it's like mark cuban and people says nothing though apparently it's so good someone live tweeted the like nft slash real estate thing he was at and it was so good um any anytime i want some questions he would just be like, mumble something, talk about a song and say, darling. And he's like, yeah,

hell yeah. I mean, that's exactly what it look. If you're paying money to see Pitbull, that's exactly what I want, regardless of whether I'm going to a concert or a finance thing. Um, anyway,

so Andrew Tate and, and seduction, this actually, we're going to get it there. I promise you. Um, he's, did you look up worldwide? Actually, we're going to get there. I promise you. He's.

Did you look up worldwide? Why does people always say Mr. Worldwide? Which is a weird way to phrase why is he called it? But OK. And this is a quote from 2019. When I say Mr. Worldwide, it's because we're all around the world. Now we've got to think of another name like Mr. Another Planet or something. I mean. Which planet are you going to pitbull what does it mean when someone calls you mr worldwide

i don't know if you're any less famous than pitbull he says you can't damn that's a lot of people who are in fact mr worldwide yeah right because there are a lot of people like the rock mr worldwide ryan reynolds mr worldwide i look if i if if someone said that if pitbull said that and i was more famous than him by any metric i don't know how you want to like twitter followers better podcasters than him yeah or mr this is this is mr worldwides and their sex and dating advice um okay back to andrew tate um the dude's a douchebag he he like uh like straight misogyny uh promotes violence against women promotes uh sexual assaults like there's literally a video of him being like the way that sex happens is like

slap choke sex and like that that is like his like three-step guide to wow being a man like he's he's an absolute nightmare and i like we joke about seduction dying and and you know kind of celebrate its demise but i think like this is the new funnel of like all the disenchanted people falling out of seduction are going to are now being piece of shit. Are now being funneled into the Andrew Tate. That's why we have this podcast. Yeah. I mean, like, it's, I don't want people to go and search for him because that is currently, like, his whole thing is, like, getting views. However, if you ever see petitions and stuff to deplatform him, because there's literally not a social media platform that he is currently on that doesn't have guidelines against what he's saying.

But the fact that he's raking in the views, he's getting it passed the way that Joe Rogan does. But it's just a matter of time before this idiot, if he doesn't already have a podcast, but he's going to start... Oh, I'm sure this is step one in getting all that bullshit. He's going to start guesting on podcasts, on things like Logan Paul's show and shit like that.

You know what I mean? Thankfully, a bunch of people have been inviting him on their show and being like, you're a piece of shit. We actually hate you. We've brought you on here to waste your time and make fun of you. And some of the videos, he just sits there and he just looks so sad. Should we have him on? I would love to have him on.

Because his default defense is like, I have more money than you. I have a bigger house i would love to because like his default uh defense is like i have more money than you i have a bigger house than you oh shit that's true well we can't compete with that right and it's like and like that that is the metric like for now reason that's resonating with people we've got a bigger podcast than him so it like it it concerns me when people talk about when we joke about seduction. At the same time, it's like one of these things fading is still a good thing. It's like saying when

Tate eventually meets his fucking peak and everyone realizes it's bullshit and the fucking tweens that think he's cool realize it doesn't work in the real world and people hate them and he starts to fade. It's like that will also be a good thing even if some other douchebag is trying to

scoop up you know the other people that still believe so I don't know it's just it's just a scary time we thought we were doing all right I thought we were on the right path but it's always very scary and frightening how quickly

garbage humans amass. Yeah. Amass an audience. It's frustrating that like, if we were douchier and said more insane shit, we would probably get, you know, more views and more clicks and more whatever.

You know, if we just did some fucking 20 second snippet videos of us being like, I don't know. And some, some awful shit people would be like excited about it either because they hate it or because they love it. And the worst part is people that love it would then, you know,

be our fans and they would suck. The people I hated would still share it. Anyway. Yeah. It's a, it's bad time. So how do I fuck a girl at church? Don't see, I think it's, well, actually, you know what? I fuck a girl at church? Don't see.

I think it's, well, actually, you know what? I would say this is one of the best places for you specifically to meet women. Uh, no,

the question asked her, I mean, also you, it's true. I'm very pious. Yeah. It's like you have a, a recurring spot where you will see these people,

opportunities to chat with them in a you know safe environment where you have a mutual interest yeah right and then just think about it you could be one of those people who goes to a restaurant and terrorizes the wait staff after church the way that church people love to do so i think the rules for this are kind of the same as rules at and to a lesser degree like work school right yeah so it's like you're gonna see these people again you're gonna be in a social situation there's not like the same imbalance and closeness and like import that say a job has where like you know if worse comes to worse you go to another fucking church if you wanted to right if jesus only goes to one. It's true.

Even then, that's it. You just got to find that one church. It's like Where's Wally, but for a man with a beard. So weird you call it Where's Wally. It's not as bad as work because, again, it's not like your livelihood depends on it. Only your immortal soul. Who fucking cares? You're not working together.

You know what I mean? Like, in my fucking church, when I used to go as a kid, it's like you didn't even talk to each other. You got that hand job. I can't make jokes like that. Not about Ireland. A lot of bad shit went down with priests. I meant from the woman. No, the girl.

She was impious, obviously. She used my semen as spontaneous lube. We're getting sidetracked today. Boy, this is one of them. I basically think it's similar to dating someone at work, but with far less kind of like... Ramification. Exactly. And the thing is, if you aren't a dick, there's no risk here.

It's like, look, if something doesn't work out, but you're still chill, they're not going to care. You know what I mean? Unless you're in some crazy church where they're like, cannot like fuck you can't talk to women that's like in in so doing you already will be like that heathen you know what i mean yeah so but other than that it's like unless that's kind of the vibe if you talk to someone then like it doesn't work out and you're like oh can we go like i'd like to ask you on the date and they're like oh i'm not really into you and you're like oh yeah no worries they're gonna be like pleased that you're chill when they see you next not like oh this guy's fucking shit one of the the hardest obstacles to overcome when it comes to like meeting new people is knowing where to go and having a reason to talk to them and both of those

things are solved already and again i'm we're not advocating to use church as your pickup spot. But if you're going to church and you see someone you're attracted to, there's opportunity there. The same way that there's an opportunity to initiate a conversation with anyone you might be attracted with as long as you have the correct opportunity to do so. So, so like, I like other than me giving you scripts and shit to actually say to people, just like go over them and say hi and be like, hi, I've just joined the church. Nice to meet you. I'm whoever. And like, boom, you've had your introduction and now it's up to you to be a normal human fucking being to talk to this person.

And if you guys get along, ask them out for coffee or a drink. That's what I was going to say is like, make, be chill with them and then ask them somewhere else. Like, don't try to fucking finger them on church grounds. Unless. No, but for real, you know,

just be, be a normal person. And again, unless you're fucking awful, it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out because they'll see you and you'll have been chill on, you know, maybe it'll be slightly awkward, but that's not that bad.

Unless things like you can keep it slow. So platonic at the beginning too, or like so low risk where it's like, you know, if you guys are both at church and then you're like, Hey, do you want to, I've really enjoyed chatting with you. Do you want to go grab a coffee down the street? And you go and have a coffee. You could then like have a first date very quickly, quote unquote, at least with, with like, you know, see if you guys get along and jive and then at the end of that be like hey i had a really great time i would love to take you out on the

date yeah you know and then you've you've played your cards they should have a good idea of whether they're into you or not you should have a good idea of whether you're into them or not and then but like i you run into the the trouble of like any other location of just being like love to see you again. Yeah, I'll see you at church. Yeah. Okay. Well, then you haven't made any effort to like make your intentions clear.

So if you're going to do that, you do have to be like, hi, I would like to take you on a date. Yeah. Later. Or at the very least, like if let's say you're in a mega church in the middle of fucking nowhere and there's no coffee shop nearby. You talk to them, chat to them and and then get their number and then be like, you know, invite them out during the week. And I've got bad news for you. If you're going to a megachurch, chances are you're not getting anywhere

with anyone. No. Are you going to another one? Or I guess we're kind of... Yeah, we're close. I want to hit you with a very quick one? Yeah. Or should we just continue to look through Jessica Alba's IMDb? That's true. What are good names for pit bulls? No, this is by Hammerhead Hunter

in Seduction. What are good non-sexual words to throw in the conversation? Title is the job. Like, non-sexual words that can be interpreted as sexual words in certain contexts. What? Oh, sorry. Did you not listen? I'll read it again. Oh, I heard it.

No, no. I'll read it again. Title is the job. They are looking for non-sexual words that can be interpreted as sexual words in certain contexts that they can just have a list of them and throw them into the conversation like a normal person does. I don't think this man understands

what the word context is. But like non-sexual words that are also sexual, he can have a list, keep it in his pocket and throw them in to, you know. I think what you need to do is you need to go get a fake finger cast or thumb cast that you can like put on your thumb. And then you say things like, oh, I just really slammed my thumb in the door. I'm really glad I didn't get any of my other fingers. Okay. So you're like like and the fake

one so you can actually slam it and not seem weird well i'm saying it's already been slammed oh right yeah gore gore is sexy yeah the goop is yeah and then you get the sympathy vote because you have a thumb cast on yeah like and then you'd be like oh yeah like you know i was actually surprised on how easy the cast. I like it really just slid in, just slid my thumb right inside, like really deep in there. Perfect. Are you ready for the suggestions? Yeah.

Deep, hard, long, mouth, wet, blow, massive sweat inside, tight, rub, push from behind, dripping, sore, hot, cum. P.S. use double intense statement for example she's late and you go i know you like taking it long but couldn't imagine this long imagine you're late for like the first date so like you like taking it long doesn't even mean anything no that doesn't mean anything that's like when you said we try or you're picking her up you go come more direct would be here come or just just put them all together wet come i'm sorry wet here come uh wet long come wet long come or what long come from behind or let's say you drop some h2o on her dress and you go i made her i made it wet similar in the rainy weather wink

even the fact they're like oh i dropped some h2o on you no dude this is like this is the beauty of people who think that games work is that like in there like someone wrote that down thinking it was good advice if she drive in car you say nice body definitely say moist so what someone said yeah which again is one of the famous words people fucking hate i assume that was a joke i hope i don't think it is i don't think it is when i've been with i ready for this this one's good when i've been with a girl for a couple of hours and we had a few drinks i look into her eyes i see that spark and she doesn't break eye contact i look at her and say are you a good girl if she says she isn't i tell her that

god wouldn't have given her that body in any sense of morals if she says she is it's on either way don't wear it out boys it's perfect it's a perfect answer i read this to my partner and she like threw up in her mouth can you imagine just like your other day is like are you a good girl don't say that to anyone yeah i mean look there's time if you're in bed yes like by that point you're a good girl. Don't say that to anyone. Yeah. I mean, look, there's time and place. If you're in bed. Yes. Like by that point, you're not coming onto them. You're coming on them.

Yeah. The only time you should say good girl is when sex has already begun. Yeah. Yeah. I just certainly not in public. Yeah. Listen, I'm going to tell you right now.

And I feel like I've said this before, but bartenders can hear everything and if i hear a single person ever say the phrase good girl to someone at my bar i will cut you off and kick you out and maybe cut you yeah yeah it's just like this is what we talked about earlier there is not a magic list of oh these are these are the safe words that like you're not being sexual but you really are and they love it and like you have a list and you pepper them into the conversation a way to seem very unsexual and unattractive is to randomly say weird words i have no point especially when you're there trying to secretly inception sex into her head and like look i i'm not going to sit here and say that i don't use double entendres and like, you know what I mean?

Of course you do. Of course we all do. Suggestive language and stuff like that. But the reason it works is because it's coming off the top of my head for something. I see you did it there. I'm wet. It took me a long time.

Yeah, it was like a long, hard, fucking firm assass thing. I didn't think I was going to get there, but I did circle back around from behind. Yeah, I just think I was going to just lamp in my suggestions from behind when you were done. But they were just so thick that I couldn't really get them out of my tight little bussy. Get it out of your mouth. My mouth. I like the way you're...

I forced my thick words out of your mouth my mouth i like the way you're i force my thick words out of my firm mouth yeah can i get a tissue my mouth is just so wet firm and from behind um but yeah it's like the reason people are success like this guy probably saw someone using them on or suggestive language and was like oh how does he do it he must have these just like memorized but it's like it's not a list it's not memorization it's it's about listing and then using your own wit yeah to to respond it's appropriately at the appropriate time being witty and playful which yes and also gauging when to use the conversation yeah like it's not this like just trick that you have in your back pocket and be like well i'm having a conversation with a woman better use the word hard if i say hard

and moist seven times interchangeably we'll be there like that's what i want to bring to this question is don't do that do it it's not gonna work there isn't weird you're gonna be there thinking desperately like, fuck. And she's going to keep saying the word heart. Is he dumb? Does he have no other adjectives? Is he trying to incept me through some weird seduction mind games?

It's very bad. So just, you know, no list for you. Time for a tindy? Yeah. At the end of the episode, we like to jump onto online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, and H hinge and peruse them for uh red flags what works what doesn't work and never to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable um this is a this is hinge i believe yeah hinge um i don't have i took a screenshot of it as someone was sending me a message on instagram so i don't have their name unfortunately but one of the prompts is the one thing I'd love to know about you is fuck

Mary kill camping road trip through the Northern wilderness, riding our bikes to the lake, watch the sunset, the prison industrial complex. That's pretty good. See, when I first read it, I was like,

I don't think you really understand. Fuck Mary kill. Like, however, what is the industrial prison complex? But then, then that last little thing being kind of be like, okay, I get it. Yeah, that's pretty fun. I get it. That makes kill. However, kill the industrial prison complex. But then that last little thing made me like, okay, I get it.

I get it. That makes sense. Also, her pronouns are she, her slash hater. Pretty good. I'll give it a nine. Yeah. It was a wild ride for me. Originally, I was like, this is stupid. And then I got to the end of it. I was like, okay, that's pretty good. And that's good. I like that.

Took some risks. Original. Funny. You learn a lot from it i think yeah i was gonna say i think you would you would weed out the people you don't want exactly i'd probably get a lot of people that don't get it but that's okay that's also all right uh this is teah casual sex is not for me i want to fuck you and have wild sex but also feed you and support your goals and make cute babies and do shit together why is that so hard to find okay up until the babies part i was like this is all be casual you keep all that casually but the babies obviously probably shouldn't be well i think the joke is i don't want casual i want wild sex uh yeah the babies is a negative because it's like i i don't even think if you're looking for to have kids one day,

I don't know if you need to have it in the profile because like, that's not a thing you're talking about immediately. Right. Unless it is, I guess maybe, maybe it's good that it's there because that's where you're at. You're that desperate of kids. Yeah. I also find the, why is that so hard to find thing? It's like, if it was a little bit more humorous, I think you could pull off like, I just want to do all these insane things. Why is that so hard to find thing? It's like, if it was a little bit more humorous, I think you could pull off like, I just want to do all these insane things. Why is that so hard to find? Yeah. But they're all pretty basic things.

So why is that so hard to find? Just comes off a little bitter. Yeah. You know, like, so I'm going to give it a six. Yeah. The baby scares me.

That's fair. So I'm going to give it a two. Uh, this is, uh, Ziana looking for someone to unhealthily fixate on for a month before we both lose interest in Ghost. You know what? I'm warring with is it funny or is it like bitter and like red flaggy?

Yeah. Because unhealthily fixate on, obviously not a good thing. Ignore each other after a month and go. Like these are all very negative things. So they sound like they're just very bitter and bad at relationships, but it also is kind of like a funny joke of how most tenders do go. Yeah. A common,

yeah. A reflection of the, the common experience, the shared experience. I think I'm going to give it a six. I'm fiving it because it's right down the middle. I don't know which way it's gone and it would very heavily be swayed by how attractive they are in their pictures.

It's fair. This is Haley. Romance is dead. And so am I. Damn. is that that person's grandma yeah uh you know what it's funny i'm gonna give it an eight it's not a good profile no no it's a bad profile but for me and you know what i'm gonna keep it i'm gonna put it at a five as well i would say yes copycat but i'm gonna put it at a five because again i think with a profile like this it would depend on how attractive i found the person yeah but you know what i'll give it a six because i think it's funny

yes you know for me it's my kind of profile because i'm like so stupid and very funny yeah this is isabella you're out right yeah uh you should not go out with me if you're liberal or have pronouns in your bio green flags I look for masculinity yikes big yikes yeah it's gonna be a zero for me yeah I'm not gonna give it any points either yeah and this is Sarvi 26 for now oh sorry it does, yes, that is how age works. Well, their age is listed at 28. 26 for now. But one day I will be 28 and it'll be too late. Okay.

Mech engineering. If you trash talk cats, get a personality and swipe left. Pingu is twice the man you'll ever be. The rest of you, let's do this. Hell yeah. Okay. This is great. Standing cats.

Get a little Pingu in there. you know the the guy who did the original newt newts died oh is that why everyone's newt newting maybe can we get a can we just get a quick newt newt newt newt newt bad those are bad pengu newts those were respectful yes those are respectful morning newts i would i would before anyone comes out as a bad newt newt i think it would be more offense for me to butcher a newt newt yeah like I'm not gonna try to or like

it would be like going to someone's funeral like going to fucking you know Steven Tyler's funeral and then singing an Aerosmith song I think that would be

very tacky but if we solemnly spoke an Aerosmith to each other in a closet while we sweated profusely or if you go

that's respect right there and you quote a line of something, he said, right? So we weren't quoting a new, we were quoting a new, uh, I'm going to give that one. What are you giving it?

A quote. Oh, I'm going to do the new out of 10. I'm going to give it, uh, which one was this? This was the mech engineering. Yes.

I'm going to give this, uh, it this? This was the... Mech Engineering Cast. Yes, I'm going to give this... It's a 9 newts out of 10. Yeah. This is Jenny with... Sorry, Jenny... Lotta Wise. Lotta Wise. Yesterday, I arrived in Toronto, and I don't have a job yet.

5'5". Sorry, Jenny. You'll get there. It's not a good profile. It's not a good profile, Jenny. It's not very good. Makes me nervous, to be honest. So I'm giving it a three because it was better than the other one I didn't like.

That's going to do it for us. We done did it. We done did it. Thank you very much for hanging out with us. Thank you to everyone who voted for us in the Canadian Podcast Awards. It is done. The envelopes have been sealed. So whatever has happened has happened.

If you took your sweet, precious time to vote for us, we love you. And if you took your time to the point where you didn't vote, fuck you. Yeah. No. You're dead to us. No. We appreciate everyone who pitched in. Hopefully, we're going to win something.

That would be really cool. I don't know when it's announced, but we don't know when that happens, but don't worry. We will let you. Yeah. Well, especially if we win, if we win,

you'll know about it. If we don't, we'll never talk of it again. Yeah. We'll still make a way under the table and lick our wounds. Um, thank you to Josh evil in the heart, Josh evil.

Oh, that's, that's him during October. Thank you to Josh Eagle in the Harborvest Cities for their song Paper Stars. And thank you to all of our patrons. Everyone who's on our Patreon, supporting the podcast. You're amazing. Again, you let us do this without being unable to financially recover from it.

A la Joe Exotic. It keeps the show going. If anyone is interested, we've got a bunch of tiers. Literally for the price of the cheapest coffee in the world a month, you can support us. For the price of Starbucks coffee, you can get an extra episode every month and support us.

For the price of maybe a beer and a good tip, you can get priority queuing and support us and also get another episode. I do want to just clarify that now it says tiers as in the levels and layers, not vials. We will not be selling our tears. It's not podcast boy bathwater.

Yeah. Yeah. Not yet. Not yet. Wait until we get our only fans going for that. And just thanks. You guys are the fucking best. Thank you.

We love you. I got some best sex. Actually, you know what one of our our fucking OG's had their birthday last week so I'm just gonna say happy birthday you know who you are happy birthday that's the thing we do

that's the thing I have prepared no I'm just letting you get comfortable there's no way I'm hastily looking it up yeah there's no way you're not prepared. No, I would. Dane, how dare you? Someone has made a text AI write a woman written by a man. Okay.

You have to gauge whether it is better or you're going to have to rate it and tell me if it's better or worse than our usual bad sex writing fair. Okay. She was a woman, and as such, she was primarily concerned with two things, how she looked and how she could please a man. She was aware of her own attractiveness and knew that her looks could get her what she wanted from a man. She was also aware of her own sexual power and knew that she could use it to manipulate a man into doing what she wanted. She was confident and self-assured and knew that she could get what she wanted from a man if she played her cards right. I'm going to give this a five because it is exactly what we get. Yeah, basically.

They kind of nailed it. The AI will be taking Ryder's job soon enough. Yeah, that's... I'm almost positive that is a direct quote from something that we've read. Probably. Yeah. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm not a spy. And we've been your fuck buddies. Thank you.