F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 206 - Cbat Outta Hell

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Cbat has official graduated from best boner jam to my new warlord anthem so that I can achieve my true potential.  Topics include the origin and mystery of Cbat by Hudson Mohawke, a perfect guide how to not approach kinks, the importance of the first "C" in "CNC", covering up your 4 inch lie, using outing someone as blackmail, parsing very easy to understand messages.

Hey listeners, before we get to the episode, we want to take a moment to address the June 24th Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. This decision stripped away the legal right to have a safe and legal abortion. Restricting access to comprehensive reproductive care, including abortion, threatens the health and independence of all Americans and others should other countries do this too. This decision could also lead to the loss of other rights. To learn more about what you can do to help, go to choice.crd.co. We encourage you to speak up, take care, and when I'm trusting, I love I put them into sexy sticky situations simply put we're in ward nominated and we're also a sexy dating advice podcast where we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners it does it feels better to say that it does feel better to say that it really it really feels good in my mouth

and then also in my ears you know what's bad uh what's bad we've had the ability to say that for more than a year now yeah we really have like this is not a new thing this is over a year at this point we've been nominated for eight awards total yeah which is kind of crazy and you know what i can't wait till we get to say award winning that's gonna be that's just gonna be i'm gonna say it i'm gonna get to the intro and then i'm going to climax for the rest of the 59 minutes and 30 seconds i can only hope uh ready to get into it i'm ready to get into it now we we talked very very very briefly before we started rolling so briefly that we both were like fuck it just start recording in case we do have the same

question slash sex news i almost guarantee that you do and probably is but i bet you got it from tiktok didn't you i did get it from tiktok i got it from reddit okay so it's probably still the same thing does it involve a song it sure as fuck does god damn it are you ready for me to play the song oh i have it queued up and ready to go. I have it queued up. I hope it's not the same song. It's definitely the same song. It's 100% the same song.

Okay. Sex news. You have the actual question, right? The actual thing that started it all. Okay. We'll go there. Sex news. I'm going to go briefly.

No, just read the question. Just read the question just read the question so this was posted by tyler life six days ago uh and it has since gotten 127 000 upvotes and just every award known to man uh today i fucked up my girlfriend 20 year old female of two years told me the music i played 25 year old male during sex is weird and a major turnoff. Little backstory. When I first started having sex, I researched into ways to be better as I was a little stiff and pretty much had no idea what I was doing. I read online you can play music and match the rhythm in order to put on a better performance. I searched lovemaking songs and

started slowly creating a playlist in which I was comfortable matching the rhythm. There are a few songs to my playlist. However, there's one song in particular where it actually happens to be my favorite that my girlfriend hates and says turns her off in a major way. I don't understand why it has taken her two years to tell me she hates that song. It's a good lovemaking song with good rhythm.

I feel the way I fucked up is like I could have possibly asked her previously if she liked the playlist or any song she liked to add slash change, but to leave it for two years thinking our sex life is great but in her eyes has just been ruined by my music has left the whole situation feeling awkward and i'm a bit annoyed i pretty much played this tune every single time so the amount of time she must have not been enjoying it when i thought the complete opposite is annoying but also embarrassing in ways not to mention my previous partners but they never complained about the song so maybe it's just her it's fucked up the relationship to be honest

because sex feels awkward now the other day we were having sex with no music but i was still trusting to the tune playing in my head she recognized it and asked me to stop i thought the song was perfect so they always thrust along with the tune and feel like gives me the perfect rhythm for doing the deed too. I usually bust to this song and find it devastating. She hates it. And then there's a link to the song itself, which I believe Dane will furnish.

Okay. I just, I need you to mentally prepare because no matter what you're thinking in your head, it's, it's not right. I want everyone to pause the podcast at this exact time send us all their ideas and then listen to the actual song yeah so think about

think about what this could be think about what this song could be and then let us know what it is you also get an award from us probably verbally, if you manage to make something worse. So here's the song. It's called Seabat by Hudson Mohawk. it's probably all we're allowed to play now and the best thing is it like changes pitch so it'll be just that for the entire song but sometimes it gets higher and sometimes it gets lower yeah sometimes you get a little more warbly but sometimes that is it sounds like a tormented techno dolphin um so i nbc news did a note on this and uh that is actually one of the things people uh have described as i'll read some of the some of the things that people have uh

have compared it to a robot dolphin sounds an inflatable clown toy falling down the stairs, and then a lot of it is just people saying that they're cracking up. But yeah, that's the song. And now on TikTok, on the TikTok side of things, people have been making videos trying to figure out whether it was whether he was just

fucking to the beat. Thrusting to the backbeat? Or is he like thrust, thrust, thrust, thrust, thrust, thrust, thrust? I mean, and it has to be that. It says in the question, she recognized the beat and asked him to

stop. There's no way... She recognized the tune. The rhythm that he was thrusting to. Which you wouldn't recognize if it was like one two three like i don't know unless she was like that's too slow or she's just so traumatized she knows the exact like oh man it's uh it's it's one of those things where i heard it and like tiktok i'm not super deep in the tiktok like lore but every every now and then something will pop up and I'm like,

what is this song? Why are people being so vague about it? A lot of people are being like, if you know, you know and a closed door. But I don't know and I want to. So then I did some deep diving and found out that this was indeed someone's boner jam.

Actual boner. He busts to this song and now his busting is forever ruined. Yeah. I died laughing. I keep playing it for my partner and she hates it. Even like the YouTube video is just all the comments are can't believe they fucked for two years to this. Like it's taken this entire song.

I, whoever Hudson Mohawk is, there's no way they don't know they're probably making millions he's uh he was like hey thank god that i just released my new album and like a week prior to this and it received critical praise because he was like i think i would have been a lot more upset if this popped off and then i released my new album or it overshadowed so like he's he just released a new album which is great news and and it was reviewed quite well like critically critically play or praised um so like now it's now he's just rolling in it maybe that's what

prompted it maybe the girlfriend in question saw the new album was like no no this guy can't be out there having success he's ruining my life every day and she went to new album was like, no, no, this guy can't be out there having success. He's ruining my life every day. And she went to the boyfriend was like, this has to stop. Yeah, that's that's the thing for me is for two years, you endured this, this song. I don't know how you didn't say something sooner. And the rhythm, too. You see, you know what? I think it was a sunk cost fallacy kind of thing, where it happened

so early that she probably felt awkward bringing it up, but then it happened a second time, she's like, shit, I already didn't say something. But a third time, she's like, damn, I definitely didn't say something. And then you're just gone. You're in a hole. I commend her bravery for coming out

after two years. Yeah. I mean, this is also, it's a good lesson of, you know, the best time to talk about a problem is when it first happens. The second best time is now. Yeah. Unless you've not talked about it five times since then and now, because then those were the next five best times. But now, I think now is always, always the best time after.

Like this, you have to to you have to address things when it comes to things as simple as like actually enjoying sex with your partner and and especially if you're still having sex with your partner you need to address these things you need to talk about them and not endure like endure shouldn't be part of your vocabulary when it comes to sexual experiences again unless you are in a like a kink bondage thing where enduring is part of the pleasure yeah now i just want the rest of this playlist so when you search c-bat on spotify the song comes up then the next song or the next thing that comes up is Seabat sex playlist then sex playlist then sex playlist devil emoji squirt emoji love making

devil emoji these are all copycats I know it unless a lot of people find this song horny no 100% this is can you see how they're created now let me tell you I opened up the first one,

and the first song is Seabat. The second song is Cotton Eye Joe. It checks out, though. So, you know, what's this one? Oh, man, this is pretty much just a further... I think this is going to revolutionize Boner Jams, to be honest, which is a playlist I think we've talked about before in our personal life. I don't know if we're allowed to talk about Boner Jams. Boner Jams is a nightmare.

It started as something we listened to as a joke, but there's so many horrible songs on there, both musically and – Morally. Socially, ethically, and I think this is every now and then an absolute jam. Just an absolute banger, yeah. But like, yeah, sex playlist, Seabat, and then after that, the Luigi's Mansion theme song.

Either way, don't add this, don't add this to your playlist. Unless it's in some kind of sex prank war, in which case, go for it. Yeah yeah this goes back to that guy who was like my girlfriend keeps blowing in my mouth exactly put this bad boy on next time you're having sex hey i gotta tell you i gotta ask you have you tried it though no so hey maybe what the fuck made you think this is a lovemaking song this is some shit plankton will play while fucking his computer wife bro fucks like a dial-up modem

but we're hey we're talking a lot of shit but i haven't i haven't tried this out maybe this is like maybe this is some like nirvana kama sutra next level thrust him maybe i you know i apologize to the next person I sleep with. You know what? This is going to be my karaoke song tonight. All right. We got to go. We got to move on.

We do have to move on. Oh, see that. You want to go first? You want me to go first? You go first. This is by Anna Advik. My boyfriend wants to have fruit sex. So me and my boyfriend go to the same college.

We're walking on campus when he suddenly just stopped and turned to me and said, can we have fruit sex? I laughed at first because I thought he was joking. Because usually when you hear that, you're like, oh yeah, they got to be joking. But he was being dead serious. It starts with a literal mental breakdown in front of everybody. Say I don't take him seriously. And I think he's a joke. And then say I'm shaming him for his kink which yeah i am because what kind of person asks their girlfriend if they can stick their who has and

fruit together i just walked away because who what do i even say to that i haven't spoken to him in two days and i've been avoiding him but he's been spamming me non-stop saying he misses me and he can't help his desires he also has asked people around my door if they've seen me honestly i don't know if i should break up with him or try to talk this out with him. But at the same time, every time I see his name, I get flashbacks about him asking me for fruit sex. Are we under the assumption that everyone knows what fruit sex is?

I don't really know what they mean. I assume he would fuck a fruit and she would put a fruit in her, thus being fucked by a fruit. See, that's kind of what I thought. I thought it was going to be like he was going to use various phallic shaped fruits and and insert them almost like using toys but yeah i mean one the public sphere of like walking through the dorm or quad or wherever the fuck you were and unloading your kink or fetish on someone it's not the way to do it this is something that

requires tact this is something that requires privacy this is something where like you guys are sitting together and you're like hey can i talk to you about something here's something i'm interested in and i'm not here again i'm not gonna yuck this dude's yums because i don't really know what fruit sex is i think it's it's just like you know that grapefruit video and or putting a banana up you um i would say there's we've i think we've talked about it recently plenty of risks when you introduce food and stuff like that to your genital and sensitive regions there's there's plenty of things can go wrong So probably not the safest fetish or kink to indulge in. But that being said, you do need to pull your partner aside and have a quiet, private moment in a familiar, comfortable place.

The way you would have any conversations about sex life and relationship talks or anything like that like you wouldn't you wouldn't hopefully just be walking through the quad be like hey i think we should break up in front of however many people in a public area like you need to treat those things with privacy there's still like i don't know there's a level of inherent privacy if you're just commuting somewhere and you're not like surrounded by people or if you're just walking through campus it's kind of empty and you want to bring something up. Again, if it's a brand new kink you've never previously discussed, probably not the thing. But like, you know, there are levels to that where maybe you could be like, oh, I want to fuck you the second we get home. And yeah, sure, you're public.

But like, you know, there are there are layers to this, right? And this, sure, not obviously not the best. But like, there's a bunch of red flags here all over the place because one, as Dane says, timing, not great place, not great. But then you start freaking out and yelling.

Not great at all. Ever. Let alone being in public. However, on the girl's side of things, she's like, Oh, I'm,

you know, he's saying I'm shaming him for his kink, which I am. Yeah. Cause what kind of person asks a girl, like take that shame away from this. You know what I mean? We like to say we're, we're not going to joke anybody's yums and it's like if this guy's into that that's

not a character judgment you know i mean there's nothing moral about fruit you know what i mean it's like if he likes that that's fine he's not forcing you to i i hope you know he did ask and it's like you can just be like oh i'm not into that instead of like mocking this person which you are now doing online and presumably weren't very kind in the moment and are also like refusing to see him because all you can think about is flashbacks when he asked for this like that's a very dramatic and i think cruel reaction yeah because how would you approach or how would you want and say if you wanted to explore anal or bondage or whatever imagine you told him that and he was like,

you're a terrible person. What kind of woman would ask their partner for that? Like it's the same thing. It doesn't matter. Like kink and fetishes are kink and fetishes. And the whole reason they are what they are is because they are not commonplace. Right.

So, so the likelihood of, of you having to address them and talk to them and hoping that your partner would also either be interested in kink fulfillment on your behalf or also want to partake in the act, there's an inherent risk in that. And you need to treat that with a level of delicacy. And that was not shown here at all yeah i think this is a very good example of how not to do this on both sides i was gonna say yeah you on both of them for sure don't just do it in a casual public setting do it when you're private and at home and can actually have a conversation

uh don't shame someone for bringing stuff up uh and by all means, tell them you're not into it. You know, that's totally fine. And then it only becomes a problem if they're trying to force you to do it or shame you for not wanting to do it. Like, they're like, Oh,

you're fucking prude. Like, blah, blah, blah. Like then, yes, they're the one in the wrong.

But like, if you don't want to do it, say that if you do want to do that, discuss it and like, maybe do some research, you know, make sure boundaries and safety are considered but like don't shame people and don't then be like one shaming them on the internet and

two being like oh i can't even look at them can't even talk to them like these are really cruel shitty things for a partner bringing up something that sure it's not your jam but like it is i don't know like a delicate topic for them and they they trusted you with this and throwing that back in their face is shitty. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. It's yeah.

You guys both did a very bad job and you need to work on, well, I mean like I think at this point you need to call it quits. If you don't want to talk to him and all you think about when you see his name is wanting to have sex with fruit, then like, I love this. She's like every time I see her, I get flashbacks. It's like, okay, that's a little dramatic. He just asked you a question.

Like, yeah, it's not my cup of tea, I don't think. I haven't tried it. I have no desire to. In fact, I generally don't like fruit. Well, here's what we do. Get you a grapefruit. I put Seabed on for you. Ooh. Two birds with one stone. Grapefruit. I put seabed on for you. Ooh.

You know what? Grapefruit's pretty much the only fruit I do like. I know. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I know what you like. You gonna put it in the microwave? Well.

For those who don't know, the old grapefruit technique is a whole meme from a bygone era. Which, hey, maybe inspired this poor boy. Who knows? Who knows? But yeah, don't do anything that happened here. Discuss respectfully, discuss in appropriate settings and be kind. And there you go. There's your lesson on broaching kinks.

You know, let's stick on the poorly handled kink train. This is interstellar orb. Should I break up with my boyfriend because of his kinks so i female 19 and my boyfriend male 24 have been dating for the last four months and we have been intimate throughout our relationship but recently he's been trying more and more questionable stuff he's into cnc and ddlg which is consensual non-consent and dom daddy and little girl, which are literal red flags for me. And when I told him that that kind of stuff was just sick and disgusting, he argued

with me and we hadn't spoken in days until he finally texted me asking me why I was kink shaming him. And I tried to explain why I didn't agree with the kinks, but we just argued more. I don't know if I am being unreasonable, but I can't see him in the same way anymore. And I really am considering dumping him. I still love him, but some of my feelings have been lost. What do I do? Edit. He has tried CNC with me when we were intimate in the past and wouldn't stop until I was begging for him to stop. And he has begged for us to keep trying until it feels good for me.

So before anyone jumps to any conclusions, that is why I'm not okay with it. So I'm glad the edit was there because that answered the one question I was going to bring up, which was like how he broached this topic with her, which it sounds like he didn't and just kind of did it. Yeah.

Yeah, that's not good. So yes, that is a red flag, especially with that kind of like with CNC, you know what I mean? Because it's like the C is there. So if you haven't brought it up, there's no C it's just non-consent, which is a crime,

which is not cool. So it's like a lot of things you really, really, really, really, really need to talk about. And that is definitely one of them. And that's fucked up.

If he had brought it up, I think it isn't like a red flag because it's a thing a lot of people like. And it's consent is very much a key thing in it. I don't know that much about DDLG shit. But like, again, it's like if it's consensual and if it's healthy, I'm pretty sure there's no inherent red flags. I could be wrong about that one because, again, I don't know much about it. But like with CNC, it's like it's just a form of role play and again the c is essential this is like we've we've talked about uh consensual non-consent before and and it seems like a lot of people think

that because by slapping the label of consensual non-consent that they are then allowed like carte blanche to do and be like no no i no, I didn't do anything you weren't into. It's consensual non-consent. So you need to not consent to it. It's like, well, you do need permission and a very firm guideline of boundaries and rules and safe words. And fucking safe words and actions that are okay and not okay. And yes, like, just a lot of stuff needs to be very fucking firm

so right off the bat bad job you did a bad job yeah you did a shit job the dom daddy little girl stuff is it's tricky for me and it's uh you know we we talk about not kink shaming and we talk about you know letting people explore freely age play has always been a tricky subject for me because I think there is inherently a lot of trauma that comes along with it that some people might not be aware of. Even if like on both

sides, I think there's a lot of, it's really charged the second you start wanting to treat the person who you're having sex with as if they were much younger almost to the point of like a criminal level especially paired with something like consensual non-consent i feel like that gets into a territory of being like okay but if this is like if this is what you want and if this is something you sexually desire,

is there something more behind that? And I think that's a tricky thing to, to navigate and a very fine line to walk when it comes to things like age of consent and, uh, young people and, and childhood trauma and that kind of stuff. I think it's, it's, it's tough for me to to know where i stand on that so i don't want to make too many judgment calls based on that side of it but i can't speak about consensual non-consent and i think we're on the same page of it being yeah and like we've said before we are not experts so i i think we're just gonna feel that one i don't

know very much about dd lg shit i'd never even heard the acronym before today so i'm not gonna delve into that it's the one kink and fetish where i think apprehension kind of comes with the territory you know i i think where well there are also probably some really fucked up kinks out there so maybe don't say the one but i guess the one like common and or like commonly accepted or like you know age play is sketchy yeah you know what i mean so again it's like if you're both into it i think that that's pretty key is like yeah so i mean the the things so the language here of like being like oh i thought you told him that you thought it was disgusting and sick

which is like if that's how you feel, that's fine. But I also understand that your experience of being colored by the fact that he forced this on you prior to having any discussion or boundaries or, you know, guidelines or whatever. So I don't know. I think making judgment calls based on kinks are bad. As we've,

we've talked about in the past two questions, I think when it comes down to uh this guy as a person i think you're safe to say like hey this is fucked up that you aren't including me in your in the conversation and you're just doing it well that's that's the thing it's like i don't want not kink shaming to be translated into someone does something in the realm of kink and you're not allowed to criticize or have problems with it. Because that's not what not kink shaming is. Not kink shaming is not being like, oh, you brought up fruit sex. You're a fucking disgusting piece of shit. That's kink shaming.

If somebody just like shoved a fruit up you, they can't be like, oh, you didn't like that. That's kink shaming. Exactly. And that's the thing. You springing a kink on someone without prior discussion should never be done at all. And the prior discussion involves, as we said before, setting boundaries, research, making sure things are healthy, establishing safe words. There's work. If you haven't put in that work, you don't get to do it.

Those discussions have to happen outside of in the moment. So you can't be having sex and be like, I want to like do this because it's, it's tough for a lot of people, especially women after everything that's happened and, and the sexual climate we live in of, of women being afraid to say no to men due to you know fear of what will what the repercussion is so like while you're having sex to throw some throw a kink at someone

there might be a very good chance they'll say yes to it out of fear of what of what will happen if they say no and that isn't everyone's vulnerable when they're naked and alone and generally when you're having sex you are both of those two things. But it's like if you're in a room by yourself with someone who's on top of you, maybe, that's a pretty threatening position to be in. And also, on a less ominous note, it's like you don't have your full faculties together. You're in the moment, you're distracted, you're horny, et cetera, et cetera. It's just not the time because people don't have the right mindset or the right tools at their disposal to make a properly genuine decision necessarily.

Yeah, I think we can all agree that we make the stupidest choices when we're horny. Yeah, exactly. We all make very bad decisions when we are horny. This is just a kink episode now? Yeah, pretty much. Should we do another one from me? I think we should. This is by iPlug Gucci.

That's from Seduction. I've been wearing height inserts for five months and I'm afraid I will get exposed. Hey guys, I'm 5'8", but wear height insoles in my shoes to make it look like I'm six foot. My reaction and quality of life changed instantly. I have more responses from girls. I put on my dating profile and received way more matches. I have had sex with 12 girls in the first three months thinking I'm six foot. Once in the bedroom and lights off, they cannot tell.

The issue is that now I've been seeing this girl seriously and she wants me to go to a graduation celebration at the beach for her sister and I would look clownish wearing my insole shoes at the beach. I already tried ditching and she felt pissed trying to bail on something that meant a lot to her also she's 5 11 so if i get exposed it will completely ruin the relationship what can i do to keep this jig on going that's what is that that's four inch like that's four fucking inches which is uh i don't understand how that works but but... How are you hiding four-inch heels, my dude? I assume it's some kind of, like, boot situation.

My assumption is it's probably, like, an insole that arches up, right? Yeah, I assume it's, like, an insole where the heel is up, right? Yeah, where it's not visible on the shoe, because, like, four inches... Four inches is pretty big. I'm assuming it's a combo shoe insole thing, where, like, the shoes have thick soles, and then, even then, four is... Four is really big, in terms of, like, hiding. So, like, look, man, you are the height that you are. And if the only reason this woman is with you is because you are four inches taller than what you actually are, then it's bad news. Also, I don't understand.

Like, how are you? It's the last thing you take off your shoes. Like when you go back to your place on the bed and then turn off the light and then take off your shoes because i'm sorry like if someone if i was with a woman and she slipped out of four inch heels i would notice yeah right like that's the difference between someone who's five eight and five two no okay five4 damn you're bad at math See That was an easy one Yeah So what you're saying is he needs to go to the beach

And pre-build 4 inch mounds Everywhere Everywhere Or alternatively Dig a bunch of holes I was going to say dig a bunch of holes and make the girlfriend stand in it. Yes.

Everyone else four inches shorter. Yeah. Because technically beaches slope downward, right? They slope into the water. So you just have to like kind of stand. They all got wiped out. So like, you know, you just have to stand upstage or downstage you know what what you have to do is oh this is genius i've outdone myself you arrive looking looking fine and

your nicest jeans your your good old hype boots and and a nice shirt and then you go oh fuck i thought you meant the club beach not an actual beach and she'll be like oh it's fine that's fine you can like take off your jeans and then you go no i didn't wear any underwear because uh i've been thinking about you all day and then you can take your jeans off you don't need to take your shoes off you get to be four inches taller and this problem will never ever arise again for the rest of your relationship you could 100 take your shoes off at the beach even if you're wearing jeans but it'd be weird yeah like at the end of the day my dude y'all who you are it would be like if you were wearing

like contact lenses that changed your eyes or you know spanks hey like sure yes has being six foot made you more attractive on a like on paper in your you know dating profile whatever sure but you're not right like i i could write you know fucking jack this shit and then phot Photoshop a picture of me on Chris Hemsworth's body, I'd get more matches. I could say I died for your sins and Photoshop myself into a minion on a cross. But when I arrive, they're going to be like, you're not that round yellow sex machine. You're not our lord and savior. That minion.

That banana in overalls cutie? I will say this comment killed me. Or just two comments. One said, incrementally lowered the insole height every two weeks to the point you don't have any and then deny everything. And someone replied saying, gas hyzing. Yeah. Pretty good. Look, if you're going to date anybody in any way seriously, in fact, if you're going to fucking sleep with anybody, because again, I'm sure it's it must be some kind of like Mission Impossible ass shit trying to not let them see you take off. What is, again, a very significant height difference. So I'm sure that sucks for you. But if you want to start having actual relationships with people, there is no way to keep the jig up.

Maybe use this as a confidence booster. You got three months. Obviously, there's more to you than just the height, hopefully, especially if this girl is seeing you. But like, they have to come off sooner or later. Yeah, it's like, are you never going to take a vacation with them? Are you never going to shower together? feel like let's hop in the shower really i cannot well again you just have to slope everything everything needs to be on a four inch incline in your apartment it's gonna be like those uh those rooms that are like the optical illusion

where you stand at one end of the other and you see exactly. Yeah. It's a man. I we're going out tonight and I really want to like, find a way to lift my, my shoes up four inches just to like, I don't know if I could deal with like six foot, whatever Dane. I don't know if I want that.

I'd be unstoppable. Or. He'd be too hot. I would literally break my ankles because those are four inch heels that i'm wearing that yeah i feel like you ever work with like a really tall person and they're really clumsy i feel like there's no way i wouldn't be able to be more clumsy yeah but also look dude you you have you have to go if you like like this person at all you have to go should he unveil the shoe like unveil his lack of height before the beach so he's not shamed in front of everybody if it goes wrong maybe this is a caution yeah i think that's the best way to do but i think

this is a cautionary tale of of what a lot of seduction tries to get you to do and and make bullshit up to be more attractive right because great okay it gets you laid and if that's all you want if you just want to like get laid and never talk to people again sure lie away it's scummy but you can do it like i'm you know yeah it would be like saying going on a first date and being like oh i've been to italy i've been to paris i've done this i've done that and to see more make up this bullshit to, to see more attractive and alluring and stuff. But the second, like if it goes further and you know, she's like, oh, let's go to, you know, let's go on vacation to Italy. Like, where's a good place?

You're like, I don't know. Like then you get caught in a line. It sucks. Yeah. Well, I think one of our first questions we ever did, or at least it feels like it was one of the first ones we ever did in the early episodes, was about basically like pretending to know stuff about a sport to impress somebody. Right. It's like, it's always going to come back to bite you in the ass. You're always going to be like, I'm sure the sex probably sucks if you're so paranoid about them.

Like, you know, they're trying to entangle and entwine their and ears and they're like why am i reaching up don't do this to yourself either way it has to come off sooner rather than later i think you should do it before you go to the beach just in case she's shitty about it because at least then it can be between the two of you and not you know at the beach in front of her sister causing a scene yeah and hey fuck it maybe she'll be chill you know she's gotten to know you if if you're paranoid about the height thing and yeah look she might be weird about the fact that you lied about it i guess but like hopefully she'll be chill enough to understand it's also a moment to be vulnerable look i'm really sorry i'm super insecure about my height

i you know i i've worn them for however long and you know, there, there's no good time to stop wearing them. So yeah, I never meant to mislead you, but you know, that's, it's just something I did that,

you know, the same way that like people, we wear makeup or wear heels or like you said, pushup bras or like any of those things, like anything that makes you more attractive. It's like at the end of the day being tall is doesn't have any impact on who you are or any other attractive feature about you and if she's weird about it she fucking sucks like do you really want to be with someone who's only with you because you're four inches taller than you

actually are yeah that's insane You're the same person. So if that's the thing, and look, she might get weird about the fact that you misled her. And I think there's a little bit of understanding going on. Like I can get it, you know? Yeah. So maybe if she is, if it doesn't work out, maybe there's a lesson to be learned there.

Because I do think it's, yes, it is similar to makeup or whatever, but it's not that common similar to makeup or whatever but it's not that common as far as i know so people are gonna have a more extreme reaction to it you know i mean no one's like wait a minute you wore mascara you know like well hey what if it is more common and it's just impossible to know maybe because he pulled it off. What if no one is six feet tall and everyone is just wearing lifts? I've been lied to this whole time. We're one of

the liftless. Yeah. But yeah, you just gotta take them off. Godspeed. This is from FreakwickXT. Yeah, they are both 18, involving a 13-year-old brother. My cheating involving a 13 year old brother. My cheating girlfriend threatened to out my brother.

I've been dating her for two years now. She knows that my brother is gay and still in the closet. When I caught her cheating on me, I told her I'm breaking up with her. She said that if I leave her, she'll out him. My brother doesn't want to be out yet. So I'm still dating her to keep her quiet about this. How do I put up a facade and pretend to be in relationship with someone I still love? I don't want to be with her anymore, but I have to be.

She demands that I go out with her and pretend to everyone that everything is fine. So this person fucking sucks. The worst person. Like one of the worst people we've encountered on this podcast. That's fucking disgusting. You're 18? Yeah. So fuck, I wish I knew more about like where they are in the world, who she's threatening

to out them to. Like, is it your parents? Because, like, if you go to your parents first and say, like, oh, this person cheated on me, like, we broke up, just want you guys to know, and then she starts mastering them, they're gonna be like, fuck off. They're not gonna give her the time of day, I assume. Yeah, hopefully, but...

Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, this sucks, because it's like, again, depending on where they are, like, if it's, you know, if it's like yeah oh man this sucks because it's like again depending on where they are like that's yeah if it's like fucking florida or something i don't even know if like blackmail and having messages saved and like bringing it to any authority would help because if you bring it to the school the fucking don't say gay bills might be like great now we have that information and he's fucked or the cops might be like okay great like so it's tough without knowing exactly what she's threatening and where she is but like this staying in this situation i don't think is a viable is you can't just stay in it yeah unfortunately it's it's one of those situations where it's gonna be a big loss for everyone

involved no matter what you do either you're stuck with this horrible person or you know your brother gets outed or you know she does it anyway and you're still stuck with this person like every day you spend with this person is is a wasted day it fucking sucks i'm sorry you have to deal with this but i think this acts as a cautionary tale of being like you might trust someone as and you can trust them as much as you want with your stuff but you do not if someone trusts you with something that doesn't extend to to your partner it just doesn't right especially when you're this young and especially with something as sensitive as this if my brother told me he was gay and said he didn't want anyone to know no one would know yeah right

i wouldn't tell anyone i wouldn't tell my partner it wouldn't matter how much i trusted them it wouldn't matter how much i loved them it wouldn't matter how long i was with them it wouldn't matter how old i was if someone tells me that something in confidence and that they don't want anyone else to know no one else will ever know so i think talk to your brother again this is also dependent on who she's threatening and where and how but like this this cannot last and like it's not going to end well one way or another so this is going to come out because this person is a petty vindictive piece of shit she's proven that much already so the best you're doing is biding some time, which is kind of good because that means your brother has the opportunity to come out on their own terms.

Because again, that's going to happen at some point, presumably. Right. But I like, unfortunately it's not on their own term. Well, what I'm saying is if they haven't,

yes, it's not fully on their own terms, but I think if she has yet to announce it, then at least they have the opportunity to maybe do it themselves. Not admittedly on their own terms because they're being forced to, but more than if this person fucking sang it out in the middle of the town square or however the fuck they plan to do it. Which unfortunately, depending where you are, could be an impossibility. I really don't know. I would say, I know there are definitely resources online for people who are in places where it's dangerous to be gay and like resources on how to come out and places that will help you if things do go poorly. So maybe look into them if you are in such a dangerous area where this can go wrong. And if

not, if it's slightly better maybe letting your friends know and letting your family know before she gets a chance to will be good you could also just like again when you break up if you know who she's threatening to come out to you can head her off of the past by being like oh man she just had a really fucking messy breakup with our brother and is off the rails and claiming all sorts of shit and then when she comes to him is like oh he's gay they'll be like all right again hopefully yeah but like just forced into a relationship isn't viable and again this person fucking sucks so i also feel like the kind of person would threaten something like this doesn't stop there that's the thing it's like even if you break up with like even if she moves on from you and find someone else what's there's no guarantee that she's not going to just do it

anyway at at her convenience but like you presumably there's probably also text of you saying hey please don't do that so like the gambit of being like oh she's just being crazy like might not work either like i this is you're in an impossible situation there's no good answer here other than like you know she has a car accident and forgets everything that's happened in the past two months or something right like literally about to just killing her it's like we don't do that here no she unless she has an accident. You know what? Find some blackmail out about her. Boom. There we go.

This does all depend on the things I was saying before, where it's like where you are, who she's threatening, what like political climate you're in. You know what I mean? Because I think there's it. There's always the fear when you're coming out. Like, it's a super hard thing to do. I don't think it's easy, even in a place that's very accepted the danger and the the fallout of that is going to be a lot different than if you are in a country where it's a crime punishable by like death or the fucking south of america where people are apparently lunatics so yeah i think you also

need to tell your brother about the situation too because Cause at nowhere here, does it say that your brother knows about this? So I think, I think he needs to be aware of the situation. I almost like inferred that it was cause they were like, Oh, he doesn't want to be out, but that could be a preexisting thing, you know? Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like, this involves him massively. So keeping it to yourself isn't good. And like, for all, all you know he'll be like hey you know what go ahead or at the very least you might give him the chance to to get his say in before this person comes out so you need to discuss with him if you do have trusted parents or adults or like teachers that you think are good maybe bring it up with them but like this is a really shitty fucking situation i wish i could give you a better clearer more helpful answer and i i just can't yeah it's one of those questions

where there just isn't one unfortunately but i i think there's no world in which you staying with them indefinitely is viable no and i i want to reiterate that like the point i was making earlier is the trope of being like oh i tell them everything i tell my partner everything i tell whoever everything that's cute in a hallmark kind of way when everything or like you know piece of information is so intensely personal and has such personal ramifications to someone else, you don't tell anyone that. It doesn't matter about who your partner is or how close you are or how cute you are about, oh, I have no secrets from my partner. It's not a secret.

You're not keeping secrets from your partner. You're keeping a secret for someone else. And that is two completely different things. It doesn't mean it has no effect on the partner. It is literally that person's life. So you need to respect that and you need to not think that your cute relationship means more than someone else's privacy. If they have trusted you with information that they have told you to keep to

yourself. If you ever think that you have the right to demand that your partner tells you something that they have been asked to keep in confidence. You're a shit person too. Yeah. Right. Like if someone says, if you're aware of the fact that your partner has,

is keeping something secret or, or is, you know, has no something about someone and they say, Oh, actually, you know what? I would love to tell you,

but they have trusted me with this information and I have promised them not to tell anyone. And if they lose their fucking mind, be like, I've made a promise. The same way that I've made promises to you. The same way that I've promised you to stay faithful and be honest with you. If I break that promise to this person, then I'm also telling you and showing you that I'm going to break the promises I've made to you. So if I break this promise, you have no guarantee that I won't cheat on you. You have no guarantee that I'm going to be honest with you. So you make the call, right?

Like either I'm a liar and either I have no integrity or I have integrity and you can respect that. Yeah, I think if you're a partner who can't understand that, you need to figure that out because that's not cool. And if you have, again, devastating personal information about somebody, you don't share it without their permission because it's not yours to give away. Good luck to the people in this quandary. I hope it works out. And fuck this person. Yeah.

And if you ever – Don't fucking do that. Like, I've seen so many things i don't know what it is this week about reddit there's been a lot of questions where people are like oh i broke with my partner and they showed up my door threatening suicide i've seen like five or six questions like that one or two blackmail ones too and it's like what are you gaining nothing even if they fucking acquiesced your demands it's like cool now are you gaining? Nothing. Even if they fucking acquiesced to your demands, it's like, cool. Now you have a lie of a relationship with someone you're criminally forcing.

Like, fuck that. That's not good for you. It's not good for them. It's awful. Do yourself a favor and fucking move on. And I will add to that. Don't out people. Don't do it.

It's literally one of the scummiest things you can do in the world to another person. It's a fucking 13 year old kid trying to get shit together like literally fuck off kind of a harsh ending for the episode and i apologize for that but i felt like i've had the question for a while and i i want to talk about it yeah it's hard to do the serious questions because we don't want to give people whiplash by being like here's a funny one but like also don't want to ignore the serious ones. But on that note, want a very quick one to round us out? Yeah, maybe a little Powell-Clinter. A sorbet.

This is by Alternative Elk. I'm not even going to go into the, uh, maybe I will. She texted she's looking forward to first date because it's a nice treat after work. What's that mean? I told her I'm looking forward to meeting her. She said, me too. It'll be a nice treat after working all day. What does it mean i love when people get confused by something that is like pretty much in the text you know i mean like anytime we've had questions where it's like

oh she smiled at me and asked me out for coffee. Does she like me? It's like, well, I guess there's a small bit more I didn't read, which I don't know if this will clear it up. I really respect her for her profession. She's been working really hard for promotion. I think she's really been stressed. I want to make tonight good for her. I've just never heard a girl call a date a treat. I'm not really DTF on the first date,

and I'm pretty confident she isn't either. All she's saying is I've been working really hard, hanging out with you and going on a date will be nice it'll be a treat it'll be a change of pace it'll be it'll be a reward it'll be good like you could say like oh it'll be a nice treat i could like us going out to karaoke later that'll be a nice treat after my shitty weekend does that mean anything no it means it's gonna to be nice i just questions like this it's like someone took me and slammed my face into my laptop because i'm like you took time and effort you made that alternate account to post this because you got scared because someone said your date's going to be a treat it's obvious yeah this is why i'm i like i empathize with

people who are like online dating sucks it's hard yeah i get it i understand what you're what you mean but then i'm also then i get questions like this i'm just like okay but how bad is it for you though like if someone says oh yeah i'm really looking to to grab a drink with you can't wait what does that mean was it wait what does that mean though what does that mean no for real what does that mean, though? What does that mean? No, for real. What does that mean? I couldn't tell you. It's a mystery.

Because the thing is, if the other one meant I'm looking forward to going on a date with you, then this can't mean that because this is different words. So what does this word mean? Different words mean different things. Exactly. If they wanted to mean it'll be good, they would have said it was a treat. But they didn't. They said it will be good.

So what does that mean? Shit. That's how you sound, y'all. Stop it. Relax. Take a deep breath. Trust the words that people are saying to you. It's time.

It's time. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge. Peruse the profile. See what works. See what doesn't work. In an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. I'm going to start us off with Victoria. Grow a Top Gun mustache once in your life.

It doesn't have to be forever, just for now. There's never been a better time. I'll let you know how it looks. You can trust me. Roses are red, violets are blue. I work at a bank, blink 182. Okay. violets are blue i work at a bank blink 182 okay i mean the the like obsession with top gun mustaches right now i get it look you know miles teller looks great with a mustache uh most guys so much yeah most guys don't look like miles teller And it's like you need a very specific face. Like if I grew a mustache right now, I

would look like a fire chief who's about to retire is what I would look like. I can pull off mustaches. I can't pull off the Top Gun mustache which I think would usually be known as the creep mustache. Like it's just the

thin dusting above the lip. It's not much you know i mean i can pull off a fucking handlebar that's fine but i don't know if i can pull this one off so maybe don't maybe don't do that either way i do find this profile pretty endearing yeah like it's it's dripping personality yeah that's cute i'm gonna give it a seven yeah i think seven's appropriate yeah this is anna starts with her snapchat i do have an attitude so you'll better know how to silence me tongue out tongue out emoji yeah right guys in uniform on my kryptonite i just can't resist them like panicked face emoji i guess lover of diet coke and cartoons the greatest white girl to ever do it and then like the nose exhaling emoji looking

for a future dilf with a boat i say that my life is like a roller coaster but it's mostly going downhill so if you think my pics are cool wait till you find out about my personality mostly unavailable hopeless romantic so have fun with that they just kept getting worse i would love to know if the my roller coaster my life is like a roller coaster it's all going downhill is from something every fucking profile has it now and it's because funny anymore yeah it's it's like the i don't remember what i was complaining about the other day but there's like there's like certain phrases that like everyone uses and you're just like and i get it they don't get to see presumably

other women's profiles unless you're you, you know, swiping on both, but like, it's, it's painful. Painful. Yeah. I don't understand. I looked it up and it doesn't seem to be anything. So how are,

how are there so many people making the same stupid fucking joke? Because someone probably saw it like somewhere or someone said it on a, on an Instagram or it's just, you know, it's TikTok people share over marilyn monroe pictures yeah exactly it's the new if you don't deserve me at my best or whatever you can't handle me at my worst yeah emotionally unavailable and good luck with that like damn that's just miserable that's like the the the pairing of if you think my picks are cool wait till you find out

my personality and then mostly unavailable like that doesn't sound good i don't want that yeah i assume it was meant to be like my pick my personality's even better but when you pair with that it sounds like oh well yeah uh it's gonna be like a four maybe it's it's gonna be a three actually if five is middle of the road, it's not just below that. I'm giving it a three as well. This is Jane Doe. I'm suing you for emotional distress if you don't look like your photos. Hey, you know what?

It's 2022. I get it. We got shit to do. Also, you don't even have your real name on this. That's fair. That's all I'm saying. This is Ileana. You gotta rate it.

I know it's not much, but it's good. I'm gonna give it a five. Yeah. It's funny, but... Yeah. This is Ileana. Don't really know what's going on. Member of the 6-2 gang.

Yeah, I fucking bet. I can see your shoes. Liar. Don't drink, but. And then like leaf emoji, leaf emoji. Down for a good time. So wait, she's 6'2"? Apparently.

Cool. This is kind of a boring ass profile, though. Mm-hmm. Is it 5'4"? That's a 4. Yeah, I'm giving it a 4 because there's not enough there. Not enough at all to entice me. I'm giving it a four because there's not enough there. Not enough at all to entice me. I'm sorry.

No, it's remarkably bland and, like, that's it. This is Danny. I'm six foot, looking for someone taller and also extremely well endowed. Nine inch plus. I'm a trans woman, so be cool. I may be a transsexual woman, but I'm extremely conservative and have no interest in liberal politics. If you have your vaccination label on your profile, don't bother. Yikes.

How can you be so bad at being alive? oppressed community and then say hey i actually hate you and i'm going to support the people that don't think i'm real yeah i'm gonna continue to support the people that want me to not exist so fuck you not even not exist they literally don't think you are real they literally ignore your existence. Yeah. I just don't get it. So it's going to be a zero for me. It is going to be a zero. Even just starting with I want someone over six foot and with a nine inch plus dick is a bad start.

Yeah. This is Cody. No. Believe me, no relation. Pure blood. I'm taller than Tom Hardy. You must be younger. No addictions Tom Hardy. Christ. You must be. Younger. No addictions, including to food.

Tattoo free. No piercings of special parts. No dogs. Low, low body count. Unvaxxed. No exceptions. Even if you're an 11. Sorry.

But you're too dumb. Spelled wrong. And now worthless to me if you have taken it. I made 80k last year. If you're smart enough to figure out what I do, you will know I'm telling the truth. A lot of that also spelt wrong. Extremely ambitious with warlord potential.

If you have kids, that's really great, but you should have kept your man. Warlord potential is powerful. It almost saved the profile. But again, I'm reverting back to what I said like three episodes ago. Pure Blood is an automatic zero. I think almost everything in this is an automatic zero. Yeah.

Like, I love that they use the wrong you're and the wrong to when it's saying you're too dumb. Like, that has to be a joke, right? It's got to be. I don't think it is but it's not we know it's not we know it's potential though we need to start a band and call it that warlord potential is very good in in like the worst way yeah well that's gonna do it for us this week friends thank you very much for taking the time and listening to us. We appreciate you. We love you. We wouldn't be here without you and we wouldn't do this if it wasn't for you. So thank you.

We've seen a pretty large uptick in some downloads. So to all the new people, welcome. We love you. Hope you're having fun. If you don't know, we have a Patreon where you can support us. $3 a month will net you our sincerest thanks and will help us keep going. $7 a month, about the price of a beer a month. Actually, less than a beer a month.

We'll get you a new episode, a unique episode every month, and all our back catalog, which is over 12 episodes now. And we'll love you even more. So thank you so much. And thank you, Josh Eagle, Narva Cities, for your song, Paper Stars. If you have a question you'd like to send to us, head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com,

click the contact form, fill it out, give yourself an agent name. We keep it completely anonymous and we will get back to you ASAP on the show. Yeah. Ready for some bad sex, right? I am. This is Gothicana by Runex.

Should I be? She asked, raising her eyebrows slightly, even as part of her wanted to break the eye contact and blush furiously at the singular masculine attention from a very masculine male. You know, it's good when you have to use masculine twice in one sentence. Yeah. And then also say male and just like really drive home the fact that this is in fact a man i just i i just don't get it anymore i feel like that's basically the seduction like you know the voice in your head narrating things is that's what they have they're like oh he smiled masculinely as he looked with masculine eyes in a masculine pose four more masculine inches

taller as he put on his tall purple fuzzy hat masculinely my name is Dave Miller and I'm Niles Bain we've been your fuck buddies Thank you.