F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 208 - Wanna Be My Step-Mom?

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

You may not know this, ma'am, but step-moms are REALLY big with kids my age these days.  Topics include creepy ways to pick up older women, who should buy the condoms, resenting your partner for losing your 20s, accepting a date invite as a friend, don't invite Wild Card Dave over, securing more blowjobs.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spang. And we're your fuck buddies. We're an award nominated sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

For some reason, I got really excited that you were going to say award-winning. I don't know why. Like you were going to surprise me. Yeah, basically, we are a sex and dating advice podcast where we find questions either online or from our wonder listeners, which are you. And we answer them on this here podcast for your ears and your brain and your relationships and your bedroom times. It's rare that I'm happy to be in the closet, but the weather is getting cooler, so I've opened my windows and there are so many large bugs in my apartment right now so i really this is the only place i'm safe from them until they all start you know funneling under the doors in a jordan peterson style that jordan peterson jordan yeah to be fair one is as scary as the other, really.

Man, can you imagine if Jordan Peterson directed Nope? Nope. Are you ready for a question? Yes. Are you ready to hear about Proton Marco's struggles from Seduction? I was about to say I would love to, but now I'm less enthused. But I'll still do it. That's my job.

You know what? It is actually. So I shouldn't have even questioned your ability or your desire because you don't get a fucking choice. Here's Proton Marco's issue. What is a good response to you could be my son when approaching an older woman than me? To keep it short, I like older women and keep approaching them from 30 to 50, 60.

They generally are flattered that a college student is interested in them and in some cases attracted to me. However, one sentence I'm always getting is, you could be my son, or you are as old as my son. The only response I had come up with was, ah, and you could be my stepmom, joke yesterday. So perhaps for someone more experienced, what would be a better way to make the age gap more acceptable? Thanks. You lean in real close and you say, could be true but i could also be your daddy honestly just be like but i'm not yeah like honestly that's that's a pretty good one because they're you know they're just being like oh you're young you could be my son i'm not okay there you

go i think the stepmom thing is terrible. Yeah, absolutely worst option. That's the worst option you ever could have thought of. We couldn't have come up with a worse one during the like portions where we try to joke. The thing is, like, I understand you're playing on the stepmom porn trend, but chances are these 40 year old women aren't watching stepmom porn. And even if they are, you've like reduced them to like this weird porn archetype thing like instantly and it's just like it maybe sounds like you're setting them up with your dad yeah yeah no i mean like regardless of of why or what they're thinking uh just immediately being like you could be my stepmom because like that's also implying that you want to fuck your stepmom yeah which again weird the the porn thing but like impractical in the real world probably not

as common as you might think you beefed it you really beefed it that doesn't even make sense it's it's so peripheral to what you're even talking about that's like what are you doing you've just changed the whole engagement literally just be like yeah but i'm not or yeah if you want just be be chilled be like oh okay i'm sorry i just found you really attractive uh but if like if the age gap makes you uncomfortable don't worry about it balls in their court that's flattering that's nice and more importantly you seem mature unlike you could be my stepmom which they're like oh damn maybe you're even younger than you just said because you're talking like an idiot, baby. Yeah.

As you reach into your undersized Spider-Man backpack and pull out a lollipop and begin comically licking it while your hat spins. Look, make sure you're approaching older women because you find them attractive and not specifically because they're older women going after a age demographic or an ethnicity or a hair type or a body type or like going after them because like that's your thing is gross because you've reduced a human being with feelings and emotions and thoughts and hopes and dreams and like an actual person down to a very very minute and oftentimes arbitrary like something they don't have any say in like you know if you're into redheads other than die like if they were born redhead they were born redhead and they really didn't have anything to say about it or if you're into like you know thick women or you know short girls or older women like there's nothing they could do about it that's just their age they have progressed through time and are now older than you so like to be like that's

my type it's not your type that's weird and gross don't do that fetishizing people is never a cute look hopefully you're chill it's kind of hard tell, and it doesn't seem great so far. But, like, honestly, they're coming from a place where they're being made uncomfortable by the age gap, and that's fair. So for you to acknowledge that and leave the ball in their court and show maturity, that's going to be your best way forward. So there you go.

Throw in a little flattery. Be like, oh, I'm sorry I was super attracted to you. If the age gap makes you uncomfortable, don't worry about it. You could also, you've made a stepmom joke, but you've missed the obvious one. Be like, well, that's great because, you know, now as a stepdad, I'll get along with him. We'll have more in common. That's pretty good. Yeah.

When she says you could be my son, you say, oh, wait, how? Like, are you trying to adopt what what's going on here and then she'll be like no i mean like your age you could be like but i have a mother this doesn't make any sense there's no way i could be your son are you threatening my mom i you can't replace her yeah nice try i won't let you and even if you did in some kind of like you know assuming her responsibilities or assuming her place in my life i still wouldn't be your son i i have a mother and you cannot change that unless you do capoeira shit i have a very very healthy relationship with my mother and other women and i don't think that i am looking to replace any of them with my relationship with you

and then put on the soundtrack to frasier yeah or just be like really well y'all buy me dinner first well consider it i think dress up as an old man like still like you know what i mean like wear a cardigan wear one of those newsboy hats maybe walk around with a pipe or a cane and uh ease them into the age gap. Oh, so like be the bad age gap, but on the other side. So when they're like, I don't think so.

You could be my granddad. And then you rip it off and you're like, aha. And they're like, you could be my, so it's much better. You're right. So it's like your starting bid is,

is old man. Yeah. What if they're really into it though? That's fine. You get what you want. Then you have to have have really geriatric sex. Yeah, just get a thing of blue Tic Tacs and say they're your Viagra and bingo bango. Problem solved.

Got a question? I do. This comes from PrestigiousGur1479. Who should supply the condom? Should the male supply protection because he's the one who that needs to use it slash put it on or should the female supply the con the protection since she wants to have sex as well or should it be up to both parties to carry one with them if they want to be on the safer side want to know people's thoughts on this that's the whole thing yep uh i don't think it should be a hard and fast rule the only thing i think should I think should be said here is like, look, the more the merrier.

Less chance that if you're a girl and you have condoms lying around, you are able to combat the like, oops, I forgot them. Whether that's legitimate or conniving. If you're a guy and you have them, great. And if you both have them, that's like, cool. If you only have one or two condoms and you end up staying over and it's just a great fucking time and then you don't want to run out of condoms so the more the merrier everyone buy them fucking great i will say if you're in a relationship or if you're in a casual relationship or partnership or if you guys are fucking and you're on birth

control which you supply yourself i think it's fair enough that the guy then purchases the condoms if he's not shipping in for your birth control, if you have to pay for it. Because again, relationships, sexual and serious and romantic should be a partnership. So it doesn't make sense that one person should shell out all the money for protection. So I think you should share it at most.

Yeah, I would say, yeah i i think that if you are being sexually active and you want to use condoms when you have sex i think you should have condoms regardless of of whether you're male female or non-binary or you know any any other descriptor i think if you want to use condoms when you have sex you should have condoms yeah now i will also add some addendums i think as a dude the onus is a little bit more on you and i say that because you should be wearing condoms that suit you i think women if you're buying condoms by uh you know just a normal whatever but if you have a latex sensitivity like myself if you need the larger condoms or a specific size get those if there's a brand that works

for you better than others get those if perhaps you need to use the uh like you don't like using the thinner condoms because your sexual stamina isn't as good when you use them. So like it's up to you to bring the right condom to the scenario. It would be always nice to have a requirement and just show up hoping for some reason the person you're sleeping with magically figured that out. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. It's like and it's nice if they, you know, if you're hooking up and you're like, fuck, I forgot to bring condom or it was a surprise thing that you weren't ready for or any other thing and they have condoms great perfect you know what i mean that's that's not a night ruiner but i think there is and and this should be something that every dude is doing is experimenting with condom shapes and sizes and brands to find the perfect fit because we've talked about it before not all condoms are the same and certainly not all dicks are the same so you really do need to figure out uh what works

best for your size your girth your uh sensitivity uh your you know your sexual stamina there is there is a perfect condom out there for you and i think a lot of dudes put on condoms that might not either fit properly or feel very good. And they're like, I don't like condoms. It's like, well, honestly, like I was using the wrong condom for years because I just was like, yeah, OK, you get the condoms at the store. And like, I don't know if it was Ireland or if it was where I was at or if it was just me not paying enough attention because I was like 15 and just running in and trying to get them before my friend's dad who worked at the pharmacy saw me. But like I didn't really know there were varied types of condoms and like it kind of hurt sometimes. And it was only when I came over here and there was like this gigantic kind of variation of condoms that I could find ones that fit a little better.

Didn't clench down as much and hurt me and leave giant red rings around my dick yeah i would i would assume i would guess that the majority of dudes are using the wrong condoms you know i don't even know because people are shitty and like to be like i don't like condoms just because they want to fucking hit it raw so i don't know maybe maybe you're giving them too much credit maybe i'm giving them too little but you know what guys if you have an issue fucking try something else but ten dollars i'm not talking specifically about those i mean just like anyone using condoms i would imagine i i would almost guess most people because a lot of people like are exactly the way you just described just thinking condoms are condoms are condoms you know i think i think i would i would not be surprised if you did a poll and people would be like yep i bought

i've been buying the same condoms since i started having sex i walked in saw durex and was like that's it yeah i i used the durex blue package and that's those are my condoms it's like i've tried anything else nope do they fit great they Okay. So that's not exactly what the question was about, but it's very important to talk about anyway. A little bit. A little bit of that. That's what I said. Not exactly. But yeah, I think like, I don't understand why you would be asking this question unless

you are so unhappy about the thought of buying condoms or pitching in for condoms, or conversely, you have a partner who is shitty about it and it's like you're in this together you both want protection neither of you presumably want a kid or an sti so it's like fucking just share the load guys it's not like and also um niall condoms are specifically made not to share the load what that's really good uh also can we just again tangential can we talk about people who are ashamed to not to share the load what that's really good uh also can we just again tangential can we talk about people who are ashamed to go to a fucking drugstore and buy condoms get over it if you're 15 sure if you're fucking 20 no no not if you're 15 if you're having sex

you shouldn't be ashamed if you're buying condoms it's not like you're sneaking in and shouldn't be but like i can understand if you're young and nervous and you're like, oh, I shouldn't be doing this. I get it. You still should buy it, right? You should be doing it. There should be no excuse. It doesn't matter.

I'm not saying there's an excuse. I'm saying, dang, fucking listen. I know what you're saying. I can understand. Yes, and I'm saying you don't need to be. Yes, you I'm saying you don't need to be. Yes, you shouldn't. But like the amount of people who are like when I was sleeping with people, but when before I was taken and like, even if you're on the way over, you're like, oh, fuck. Like, you know, they missed you after work or something. Like, come over.

Let's hook up. And you're like, shit. Okay, I'm finishing up here. You're on the way home. Like, there's a fucking corner store. Can you pick up some cons? Like, oh, I don't want to. I'm embarrassed. It's like the the fuck just don't be that person

yeah it's like anything right like no one i promise you the amount of things that people buy like people this is the same place that people pick up like their hemorrhoid cream and their their wart removal stuff like the it should be any shame there either no that's what i'm saying is like the the cashiers see people buying some of the more most intimate products which is kind of a wild thing when you think about it like the the amount of like information a like a drugstore pharmacy person knows about you in the 30 seconds you're buying something there it's it's a pretty intimate relationship but i promise you that they don't give a shit they don't care if you're buying condoms i will say every time i do buy condoms anything else i get with those condoms i do feel

like they assume they're going to be used in tandem this is yeah i think we've had this conversation i i feel the same way about toilet paper and condoms that no matter what else i buy with it i i feel like people are gonna assume they're correlated somehow yeah and you know what while we're on the topic of people being embarrassed to go pick up condoms same thing for guys and like fucking tampons and pads and shit it's like get the fuck over if you can't go to the shop and pick up something for your girlfriend or partner or friend who's on her period and needs this shit you suck get the fuck over it. If you can't go to the shop and pick up something for your girlfriend or partner or friend who's on her period and needs this shit, you suck. Like, get the fuck over it. Like, what are you worried about?

Someone being like, ha, you have your period. Like, wow, that's comic fucking gold. Yeah. No. It's like, you're not in fucking grade 12 where someone's going to see you with tampons and call you period boy for the rest of your life. Like, you're walking down the street. No one's going to, like with tampons and call you period boy for the rest of your life. You're walking down the street. No one's going to give a shit. Even if they do, unless they're the lamest person ever,

they're going to be like, oh, that's cool. He's picking them up. They're going to pick him up pretty fucking quickly. Yeah, most people would be like, you know, good for that guy. Good for him. It shows confidence more than it shows anything else. Yeah. Oh, man. That was a lot of than it shows anything else. Yeah. Oh, man.

That was a lot of rants. You ready? Yeah. This is by a deleted user. I, male 33, have grown resentful of my partner, female 42, for stealing my 20s. I don't know how to get out of this toxic mindset. I met my partner when I was 22 and she was 31. I recently graduated university but didn't have much experience in the wider world because I was caring for a dying close family member during my final year and started doing this

full-time after I finished college. Met my partner not long after my family member passed away in 2010. We hit it off quickly. She was loving and caring and encouraged me to move to her country to live with her, which I did a year after we met. I moved away for my family and friends to be with her, but when I got there, I had no support structure. She has no friends, so I couldn't meet people through her. We live in the middle of nowhere, so there's not even people around to meet, and she doesn't have any hobbies. I spent my 20s working dead-end jobs and being lonely. She's always been very sweet and kind and clearly loves me, so it's not like she maliciously manipulated me. Recently, I realized I'm almost 35 and I have nothing. I have

no friends. I have no social life. I have no hobbies. I had all these things back home, but I left them behind to move to be with her. I was just left on my own to try and put down new roots, which I was never able to do. I recently made friends with a new guy at work who's 24 and he's just living his best life. And I'm so resentful I never got the chance to do that. But the thing is, my partner did. She was 31 when we met. She'd already enjoyed her 20s and was wanting to settle down. But I was 22. I never got that chance. And now it's too late. I do love her and I know she loves me dearly and would fall apart if I were to leave. But how do I stop this creeping resentment from poisoning my relationship with her?

First, I thought this was an ex and I was like, okay, I can deal with this. But the fact that you guys are still together is tough. And I think your feelings are valid in a way but one thing you do need to remember is that one you weren't manipulated here you came here on your own accord so it's your decision you made the decision you know she didn't force you to she didn't coerce you or manipulate you to come out nor has she done that to make you stay yeah um so those were that was your call she didn't take anything from you. You made a decision that you're now unhappy with.

And that's fine. We all make mistakes and we're all capable of being like, man, I wish I didn't do that. Man, I wish I'd done things differently. That's fine. You're allowed to feel like that. But I think what you need to do is express how you feel currently to your partner. Because the reason it's poisoning you

and it's building inside of you and festering is because it's not being let out so the longer you hold on to something the worse it's going to get because it spirals right you start constructing narratives and it starts getting muddy of being like what actually happened and what have i just brewed in my head and my gut because i'm so unhappy so sit her down and say like hey look i'm starting to get a little depressed and here are the reasons why and it's not your fault but i feel like like i need something more and maybe it's something as as simple as moving to a larger city yeah or or letting them know that that you need something else that you need uh companionship outside of your relationship because we talk about all the time like that's if if the only person you have is your partner you're in a

bad relationship yeah for sure and the thing is there's so many things to to like delve into here and it's like you've been there for like, what, 11 years, 12 years? That's a long time for you to have changed things if you wanted to, and you haven't. And again, this doesn't seem to be because of your partner. So either you willingly left yourself in this position, or you didn't realize now that you're looking back bitterly because you're hearing this guy at work saying his wonderful life, and you're looking back bitterly because you're hearing this guy at work saying his wonderful life and you're looking back now with the opposite of rose tinted glasses i will say a lot like again so many things to go through here one this guy who's 24 no one at 24 is has their shit together right and the stuff he's gonna say to you is always gonna sound cool because he's

like trying to boast and no one's like oh i went I went home and was really sad because I'm lonely. They go home and they're like, oh, I went out and like, fuck this person. And we had such a cool party. It was a kegger and blah, blah, blah. Even like I've been at parties where people are miserable and then you see them a week later and they're spinning it like they had the best time of their lives. So it's kind of like the Instagram effect. You kind of got to take a lot of what they're saying with a grain of salt. On top of that, you say that your partner lived their best life. She has no fucking friends. I don't think she did live her best life in her 20s. Like I really, you're saying like, oh, she lives in the middle of nowhere, has no fucking

friends. Unless that's what she really wants. I think maybe this idea that she had the best time, you need to also deal with that because I think that's where the resentment is going. It's like she got hers and now she took yours. It's like, one, what's to say she got hers? And two, she's not taking yours. And I think Dane made a really good point where it's like, you need to talk about it, I think, to your partner. And I think maybe leave out the you blaming her thing, because I think we all know that's unfair even yourself yeah um talk about what you're feeling what you feel like you lack and how you can go about fixing that like as Dan said

maybe it's moving to a city maybe it's moving to where you live I don't know what's keeping you guys where you are but like if you have friends and family maybe moving back would be a cool change for you guys I also think therapy talking to someone that's not involved would be really good but like it's never too late to change like 20s aren't this magical place where like oh I also think therapy talking to someone that's not involved would be really good, but like, it's never too late to change. Like twenties aren't this magical place where like, Oh fuck,

that's the only time you can have fun. No, like 30 flirty thriving. That's the whole thing. The thirties are the new twenties. It's never too late to change shit. It's never too late to have a revival. You know what you want is friends and fun.

And like, you can definitely fucking do that in your thirties. Probably better. Honestly, I was going to say like, let me tell you, I, I had a very, very good twenties. Was there some heartbreak? Of course. Was there some troubles? Of course. I had a lot of fun in my twenties. Would I go back to them? No, I'm 34 and I'm quite happy. And granted, like you could look back and be like, you're rubbing it in that you got yours. You know, you're so satisfied with it. You don't need to go back.

No, they, I guess I know what you're saying, but like, as now said, like friendships and connections, it's not like you hit 30 and you lose the ability to make friends. You all these things that you want and all these things and like career, like there's how many stories and memes are there about, know the people who didn't find success until they're in their 40s or 50s or you know find out their true passions or what they wanted to do and find a career that was satisfying like it doesn't just stop it doesn't it's not like oh you know between the ages of 20 and 29 you gotta find it all and if you don't find it it's gone forever that's it's bullshit and like i understand i get it you're you're looking as now said back with you know You've got to find it all. And if you don't find it, it's gone forever. It's bullshit.

And I understand. I get it. You're looking, as Nell said, back with shit-tinted glasses. I was just about to say that. Damn it. But the saying of the grass is always greener on the other side, for all you know, this guy's looking at you and he's like, oh, you've got a loving partner, a committed relationship. You've got a place together. You're happy. You're a jigsetter. You you moved from a different country you've got so much life experience

yeah like it's so easy to sit and look at someone else and be like i wish i had what they had without realizing that there's a long list of people who are probably looking at you thinking the exact same thing yeah i'm like i get it I get it. I get it. Things happen. Hey, when I moved over here, I had a really rough time like finding friends and like, it is fucking lonely. I was literally didn't know a single person in the country. And it's like the first person I made friends with was a piece of shit.

And then it took a while to find people I liked. And then when I left university, it's like a lot of people went a lot of different places and I only had like a year's worth of friendship with them so it's like it was hard to really make that last in the way that like everyone finds it hard I think when they're done university or done school to stay in touch with people but like if you really have a strong bond you can make it work so a lot of those didn't even follow me through and you know there's a bunch of shit i had a partner me and that partner broke up like that was tough because my friend

group was through her as well so then that was messy and like i fucking get it but you know what i did i went out and i made more friends look at dane now we've podcasted together multiple so many podcasts so many podcasts you know that's like my fucking friends are the best like we have things every monday we play online if we can't meet each other and it's like if you're in the middle of nowhere maybe look into doing like an online like dnd online or something you know i mean get into online communities if that's all you can do right now and it's like if being in the middle of nowhere is this depressing for you don Don't do it. If your partner needs to be there or if that's the life she wants, then maybe you guys aren't compatible. But don't be miserable when you can change your circumstances.

And it's not easy, but nothing's easy. And is it going to be easier to stay and be fucking depressed while poisoning your relationship? No. And there's something else to be said about, like, you guys have been together for like a decade now over a decade there's nothing wrong with looking at a relationship and being like this doesn't serve us anymore yeah and i know you say oh she'll be crushed if i leave but like yeah but is that worth you being unhappy like there's there's a point in time where you kind of have to pull the emergency brake and you're worried about your relationship getting poisoned and it becoming

toxic and let me tell you like that's gonna end in a train wreck yeah that's the thing it's like if you're worried she'll be crushed if you break up with her is she gonna be less crushed if you start to hate her and break up with her anyway and it ends messily yeah like it's way better and safer and and healthier if you kind of just decouple the train and you guys go your separate ways and it's like yes does it hurt does it suck is it gonna be really really tough yeah probably you guys have been together for a long time but if the alternative is is letting it fucking run off the rails and end in a fiery mess that that's not going to be any less messy or hurtful or sad or hard. So you might have to, as Nell said, like maybe you just aren't compatible anymore and maybe you have to go

your separate ways and just let them know, just be like, hey, here are the things that I need. And there's no reason why you shouldn't talk about this first. Don't just break up with them. Sit down and be like, hey, I feel very lonely i feel like i i missed out building connections when i moved here because i didn't have a whole lot of uh opportunities to meet people and now i really want to meet people and i really want to start developing friendships and i don't know how to do that where we currently are can we move somewhere can we like and see what see what they want to say and see what they because like it also is if they're like nope this is this is my family house and this is the house i'll die in i don't want to move anywhere else then you might have to be like okay well i have to go then

really sorry i i still care about you but i have to take care of myself and i'm not happy here and i think you have to like we we talked about breaking up with her for for quite a bit here and i think that's after you have the conversation if it's not working out i don I think you have to, like, we talked about breaking up with her for quite a bit here. And I think that's after you have the conversation, if it's not working out. I don't think you should just go to that, especially because like stuff like this, they can be very, it can happen very quickly and they can, you can feel pretty bitter and pretty sad very quickly. So making like a snap judgment, I don't think is where it's at, but like, if you're a good partner and you're in a good relationship, you should be able to talk and you should be able to hopefully work towards making things better. It's only if that is not possible, you just shouldn't stay

in a relationship that's gonna be bad. So yeah, talk, work out your options, you know, see if there's anything that suits both of you. Maybe maybe she would be up for an exciting change. I don't know. But like, obviously, this isn't working for you. And you shouldn't stay in a relationship that isn't working. Yeah. And it's scary. I get it. But you're good. You're gonna be okay. And let me tell you, you feel like you missed out on your 20s. Your 20s are terrifying. So this is this is a great introduction to to what you missed out the entire time you're 20. You're just like, the fuck am I doing? Who gave me decisions to make you know what like having to break up with someone and like move out and be single and like be kind of like cast out into

the big wide world and find yourself and fucking make friends that is your 20s dude you're literally about to have them probably yeah like a 10-year relationship is pretty much high school or like you know pretty much your your education career so like yeah you're pretty much high school or like, you know, pretty much your, your education career. So like, yeah, you're, you're pretty much in, this is just imagine that if you, if you, this relationship doesn't work out, you do have to move on. Just imagine this as a high school graduation and you're heading out into the big wide world, uh, scared alone and confused. And Hey, guess what, buddy? That's your 20s right there for real though honestly and that's like both good i guess if this is what you want but also secondly why this mythos of like oh the 20s are the best no man a lot of it fucking sucks you're a dumb idiot who's bewildered and scared

and it's great in a lot of ways but the shit goes down it'd be a a great way to relive some of the magic of the 20s. Yeah, for sure. This is from Katie Mock. Should I grab dinner with a guy who asked me out, but I'm not interested in him? I met a shy tech guy out at a bar last week, and we ended up talking to each other amongst a group of people. He told me that he didn't have great social skills, so he was trying to practice them. So long story short, I ended up leaving once it got too late. I found out the guy left too sometime after me, and we ended up meeting near the same bus stop. He asked for my number

and me being polite, I gave it to him. So I guess he finally worked up the courage to ask me out for dinner last week or almost a week later. I'm flattered, but I'm not that into him. He's not my type because he's not tall enough for me. He's not unattractive though. I usually tower over guys, so I like guys to be taller than me anyway i'm not into him but i like that he texted me with time and date details as if he put effort into his response the restaurant seems cool and i wouldn't mind grabbing a bite to eat there although am i wrong if my attention started to go as friends only oh i kind of hate this i was totally in the realm of like hey just just don just, just don't go. You know what I mean? It's fine.

You're totally allowed to not be attracted to someone, but I hate that. She's just like, Oh, it's literally just his height. He's attractive. He's cool. He was nice.

He messed me these things, all these things I like, but yeah, I don't like his height, but I still want dinner. Uh, if you don't like someone, don't go.

If you don't like someone for something so unimportant, maybe re-examine your whole deal. But like, I think you're putting him in a shitty position if you don't. Like, you're definitely putting him in a shitty position if you don't tell him you only want to go as friends and show up just to get your dinner. I think if you message him beforehand

and say, I'm willing to go, but I only want to go as friends. Two things. One, you should at least fucking pay for your shit when you get there and two i think you're still kind of putting him in a bad position because you might he might feel rude being like well then i'm not interested you know i mean he might be like oh fuck i kind of have to say yes now so just don't go yeah that's that's an interesting thing to bring up and i think that is i think it's a twofold thing that we should talk about uh as

now mentioned not being you've you've said also further down in the comments, they were like, I think they'll be a great friend because I really enjoy talking to them. So I'm like, okay. We like everything about this person. Yeah. So it's like, okay. So you find them attractive.

You're impressed about their initiative and sort of the gumption to take control and seize the initiative. You really had, it sounds like you had chemistry and you enjoyed talking to them. So you're literally going to be like, hey, person who has a bunch of qualities that I like, you're shorter than me, so can't do it. Like, it makes no sense to me. So we'll leave that aside. I think we've made our feelings on

that topic clear in this question and in you know the the dating profiles we do at the end of the episode um but you made a good point of being like oh he might feel obligated to still go out so that it doesn't seem like he's being shit and I agree with you 100 because i would also feel bad but i think we should normalize being like oh okay uh thank you but i i do want to pursue a romantic relationship with you and if you're not interested um thank you very much but i i think i'll move on because it's not like you guys have a relationship prior to this i think it would be really shit if you built a friendship and then he was like oh actually i only wanted to fuck you so if we're not gonna fuck yeah i won't be i will stop with this like

sham this guy has specifically asked you out on a date you met him a week ago and your only interactions were of a you know flirty nature presumably yeah and now he's gotten your number and asked you out for dinner like it's it's not rocket science what he's looking for yeah so and i think we need to normalize on both sides of the fence if that is the situation if it is sort of like a this is a first date because you guys met out in the wild and there is clear intentions that one person wants to be romantic or sexually involved with you i think you should be able to be like, okay, well, I actually want to pursue a romantic relationship with you. I totally agree.

Because I think it's unfair to be like, oh, I know for a fact that they're interested in me because they've asked me out on a date, but I would like to keep them as a friend. And hopefully, because nine times out of 10, you can't just turn that off right you can't just be like oh you want to be friends okay that's fine i'll stop finding you attractive and you know put myself on a limb and ask you on a date because there's

always going to be that like oh maybe maybe and it's that's an unfair thing to do to yourself so i think having the boundary being like oh yeah no that i'm i'm not interested thank you for sure i think if you're the guy in this question that's my advice or our advice just So I think having the boundary being like, oh, yeah, no, that I'm not interested. Thank you. For sure. I think if you're the guy in this question, that's my advice or our advice. Just be more than happy to fucking just say that because I think it's just a healthy setting with boundaries. If you're the girl, don't show up to the date with like the big no-no is showing up, not being frank about your intentions up front and getting a free dinner you're a piece of shit absolutely if you go and he's like oh that's fine like i just really enjoy chatting with you i would love to have the opportunity to do it again and you guys go and

you do decide to have dinner with this guy if you allow him to pay for your meal yeah you're a scumbag yeah because that's like then that's all you wanted i'm pretty sure yeah you went there, you went there for a fucking free meal because the restaurant looks cool. And that's a shitty thing to do someone. Yeah, if you really, really want to be friends with this guy, which I'm not gonna lie, I don't buy it. Right? No one's like, Oh, I met someone unless you're very lonely, or this person is very cool. Like, no one has time to fucking do that. Right? So it's like, unless that's the situation. And in that case, be very frank and pay for your own shit when you get there, because that'll also help set healthy boundaries with him where like you're being, you're really putting your foot down being like, I'm honest about what I'm doing.

And like, this is kind of a way to show it. Not that splitting bills says that, but in this situation, it kind of further emphasizes that. And other than that, just don't go. If you're not tracked to someone and they invite you on a date, just don't fucking go.

Like, that's unfair. Yeah. So there you go. Are you ready for pesto lip balm? Gross. My boyfriend treats my apartment like it's his. I'm angry. A week ago, I, 22-year-old female, moved into a new apartment.

I'm letting my boyfriend, 25-year-old male, stay with me rent-free for the next three weeks until my roommate moves in because my apartment happens to be near his workplace. So I went for drinks with two of his friends. One I've met a few times and one of them I met once. Without asking me if it was okay, he invited everyone back to our place. He put something on the TV and everyone but me fell asleep. I tried to wake him to ask him to get everyone to leave, but he said, it's not a big deal and immediately passed back out.

As I'm writing this, he and one guest woke up, and he told her, it's okay, you can go back to sleep if you want. I'm furious. I'm paying a lot of money for this apartment. I want to be able to relax in it in my own time, which I can't do now. I have guests to look after. If one of these guests wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to leave, they won't be able to lock the door, and I don't want to risk being robbed. One guest managed to annoy my neighbor by recording into her window with the flash on,

which also really annoyed me because I literally just moved in and don't want to piss off my neighbors already. In the morning, I really want to tell my boyfriend how pissed off I am about this. I honestly really want to scream at him for it. We literally just this morning resolved a huge unrelated argument about him treating me like shit, and he's gone and done it again. I'm just wondering now if I'm overreacting here. You're definitely not overreacting.

And if you guys literally just had a fight about him treating you like shit and then he immediately ignores you saying like, oh hey, I want people to leave and you're like, nah, they're fine. Nah, babe, it's cool. Don't worry about it. My weird friends are allowed to sleep in your apartment.

It might sound like it's time to fucking boot this dude to the to the fucking curb you know what i'm gonna go a little softer on this one just because you moved in like you just moved in right he's done this presumably you haven't gotten a chance to talk about it and yeah he should have been a little bit more chill maybe thought about a little bit more but like maybe he didn't understand and i will say if the only time you got to talk about it was when you woke him up people aren't at their best when they've just woken up especially if you guys are drinking or something i assume you have because oh yeah so we went for drinks so it's like if he's drunk he's half asleep you woke him up not the best time to have a chat still not a great response from his end but like being like the 60 weeks i'm gonna

fucking scream at him i don't know i think step one here is to be like look we need to set ground rules for this apartment because if you haven't had that chat you just moved in it's all kind of gray area do that and then if he fucking still doesn't care 100 shut it down although what the fuck is this guest doing recording through a window with the flash on so that's that's my thing is if you like i don't care if you haven't had a ground rules talk one i i think it's weird to invite people back to someone else's place without asking yeah right right off the bat bad form two if you're gonna bring your friends to someone else's place you are responsible for literally every single one of them.

And if you're like, oh, but Dave's a wild card, then don't bring Dave. And if you do bring Dave, I don't give a fuck if he's a wild card. He's your responsibility. I don't fucking show up to your house and throw a bunch of raccoons in and be like, I don't know, man. They're raccoons.

They're just gonna do what they're gonna do. It's like, no, you brought the fucking raccoons.'re your problem so like there's there's a lot of things here that like just show a distinct lack of respect for your space again like these aren't things you need to have a conversation about i don't think i think it's pretty fundamental common sense common decency of being like maybe don't invite a bunch of drunk people over to my place especially like i don't know if they it sounds like she doesn't know them either it sounds like they're like his friends yeah met one a few times and one they only met once i would be kind of annoyed too now just now make a good point of being like don't scream

at the dude the second he wakes up because that's not going to resolve anything yes you definitely need to now be like hey i would like you to know that like what happened last night made me unhappy it was kind of uncool so let's make out some ground rules of like if you want to invite someone over here we have a discussion about it first two they don't spend the night they're gone at whatever time i decide and you are kind of having you will be the facilitator of having to like read my language or i will tell you and then you have to be like hey guys we're gonna call it a night have a good night get out yeah 100 you need to tell fucking flashlight you know fucking tmz to fuck off like that guy like just no amount of cool

that person is not coming back. They're not welcome back to my apartment. And I like, that might seem like an overreaction to someone, but like for me, that would be, that person is done to me. I think that is such a gross,

weird thing to do, especially in someone else's apartment. What the fuck were they trying to do? That's fucked up in any sense, but in someone else's space, especially when they just moved in. And also it's to a woman's apartment as well so it's like is this guy just being a super fucking creep that's a terrifying thing to have happen to you as well like that's shit all of that is so shit uh these people seem like they suck ground rules are very

important i can like the only reason i'm being a little soft is like i can understand if you're all out drinking if you're right next to the apartment if you guys talk like it could come up in a way that's not just like oh i'm fucking steamrolling and i'm bringing people over you know what i mean and some people can be unhappy about things but be like yeah sure and like people cannot read that you know what i mean i would love to have been there and see exactly how it went down but like it's possible it didn't go down in such a horrific way, especially when people are drinking. I don't know. But either way, as a partner, you need to be about boundaries about respect about politeness and about these shitty ass fucking tmz friends otherwise yeah if you're if this is an ongoing issue and this is just another drop in the fucking bucket and he's not going to give a shit

dump them you get a new place it's a great time to fucking have a new life i mean that's the thing it's like he's staying there rent free for a couple weeks until your roommate gets in like there's no reason to be like hey sorry but I don't care if this is near your place if this is how you're going to behave when you're here you can't stay here yeah like that's the like even if he was paying rent this would still

all suck but like you're literally giving him free rent for three weeks so he can get to work more easily like you're being so cool but either way don't don't yell in the morning talk try to try to actually hash it out and like set ground rules and like make him understand why you're upset and if he doesn't why are you dating this fucker yeah yeah absolutely it's one of those things i don't know like my space is is always very very important to me so

i think this is why i'm i'm going very hard on this guy also i would not be surprised if this guy tells us all the time this kind of stupid shit so yeah it's very possible also the just like the cavalierness of the shit friends it's like very unlikely this guy is cool but has shit friends yeah like i i the flashlight it just blows my mind. It just blows my fucking mind. Yeah, I don't. Speaking of blowing mind, is it time to...

Tindy it up? Yeah. Well, you know what? Maybe I'll hit you with my last question real quick. Just because it's small. This is by Fresh Breeze. How to bring up wanting a blowjob in a budding relationship? She's taken a little taste before, but only for a minute or less.

I go down on her. It's not like I want one all the time, but an occasional BJ mixes things up and turns me on. We've been dating about five months, but in our late twenties, is there a way to broach this topic in the context of a budding relationship? I would like to know, when you say you go down on her, do you mean just go down on her? you guys are hanging out you go down you finish her up and then you're like cool we did it are we talking like you know foreplay you go down on her before you guys hook up and the same thing is like is she is she just kind of like giving you a very quick blow job before sex because or is it you know she gave you a little taste or she had a little taste yeah are you also taking a little taste?

That's a good question. Are you making it a whole fucking event where you go down on her until completion and that's the act? Or is it just part of foreplay? Yes, because maybe she's just very excited and she's like, okay, I'm going to suck your dick until you get hard and then we're going to fuck, which is not necessarily the best thing because, you know, foreplay doesn't have to be so utilitarian in the sense of being like, you're wet now. I'm hard now.

Now we can fuck. That's it. So there's no harm. Once again, have this conversation outside of sexy time and outside of the bedroom, have a conversation and be like, Hey, the next time we're hooking up

i would i would like to do you know extend foreplay a little bit you know have have foreplay be a bit more of a and just let her know that like that's something i like i like having a bit longer foreplay so if uh you know can we can we do a few more things like maybe mutual masturbation and like a longer blow job and like don't just say one thing and be like, I want you to blow me more and or longer offer like a selection of, of what you would like. If, if,

if it is so that it's not just, I don't know. I feel like just being like, I want more blow jobs could be misconstrued or at least seem very tired. Despite the fact that it is a valid concern and request. Well, the thing I would just want to say was like, just communicate. You've been fucking dating five months.

That's a significant amount of time. You should be able to talk about this. You know what I mean? That's like if you want it, but like Dane suggested, you've only been doing it in the context of foreplay. Maybe sit her down and make an event out of it and go down on her and make her come. And if she really enjoyed that, you could be like, I would love that too.

But again, just communicate. Literally be like, hey, you know, I really love when you suck my dick, but like, I feel like we always get distracted by, you know, sexy time right afterwards. So like, how about we take some turns later on and we'll both go down each other. I would really love that. So super hot for me.

Be tactful. Don't just be like more blowjobs. Yeah. But like communicate. That's literally the answer here is fucking communicate there's no hidden trick there's no like fly back door to like incept it into our mind you just need to ask her or talk to her about this yep all right tindies at the end of the episode we like to jump on to online dating platforms such as tinder bumble, and Hinge and bruise the profile. See what works, see what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Now, a very dear, dear, dear friend of mine, Sue, really likes this segment. So I just

wanted to say, hi, Sue. Thanks for listening. You are super. Ready for My Girl? Talking about my girl. So My Girl is 31. It's their Bumble profile from Toronto originally. And Bumble got my age wrong. 37, not 31, but could easily pass for 29. Currently living on the West Coast in gorgeous Vancouver and open to relocating. Vibes slash morals are important to me. Not looking for casual hookupsups but chemistry is a must

they're half french half swedish and then they are a freak apparently it's i feel like saying hey i'm willing to relocate and then also saying i'm not looking for anything casual it seems terrifying yeah i'm open to relocating is insane because like one you surely you'd want to meet the person first right and if you're meeting them presumably they're either on holidays which is not a long enough time frame for you to want to relocate i would hope or you're gonna go relocate before you meet them or they live in vancouver also it's it's like open to relocate not looking for casual but then they're like freak it's like okay but for me I'm just like, I would assume that you're not relocating

for hookups. I assume. I imagine you're not uplifting your whole life for a casual hookup scenario. I don't know. I'm giving it a 5 because I don't think there's anything necessarily bad here.

Well, no. Willing to relocate on Tinder for no reason. Willing to relocate is scary. Yeah, I'm giving it a three. I will also say the fact that Bumble didn't get your age wrong. You set your age on whatever. I know fucking Tinder used to hook up to your Facebook, right? It's all...

I don't think you have to do that on any of the apps anymore. Okay, but like, you said it. Yeah, this person put in the wrong age. Yeah, on purpose. And it's like 37, not 31. Okay, cool. I appreciate the honesty. Could easily pass for 29.

That's not something you get to say. That's something your pictures show, right? It also just kind of sounds like one of those fucking weird math problems. Yeah, 100%. There's too much numbers. If my girl is actually 37, but put in 31, but can look 29, how old

is my girl? Exactly. Also, why don't you have your name on this either? Yeah, if you're willing to fucking move to my city for me. Yeah, but I will not give you my name, and I'm lying about my age and yeah it's it's like a three for me yeah that's that's what i'm going with as well yeah uh this is sarah forbes seven billion under seven billion

is that it yeah i love it it's a it's an eight yeah i'm giving it an eight as well because it made me laugh and i hope it's original not a stolen joke from somewhere but nothing is original anymore and everything is stolen it's true also time is a flat circle so yeah it well it's both original and unoriginal uh this is chloe 29 yes i'm trans looking for compliments and somebody with a cottage heart and sparkles hmm i don't know how i feel about this because looking for compliments i love that i don't know it's kind of cute yeah i don't know i don't i really am torn on this i think i'm gonna throw it right down the middle of five i give it a six i don't think there's anything there

that i would say yes to and there's nothing there that's you know making me skeeve out so yeah it's kind of funny i like trend of people joking about looking for people cottages i don't know why i find it kind of endearing i'm sure i won't after i read another 10 of them but for now it's kind of tickling me the right way so six this is danielle really just after some laughter looking for someone who is willing to be silly has a dark turn of mind and is philosophically inclined. What? What the fuck does that mean, Danielle? What does that mean?

I want someone silly but dark but philosophical. Dark turn of mind. Do you mean like a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde sort of situation? Are we talking like the Joker situation? Maybe. I want to be kind of scared that you're

gonna murder me like in between you're like pretending to be an airplane all silly you'll just like freeze up and go quiet and look at me and that's maybe my moment and then and all of a sudden you're talking about aristotle and i'm like oh it's so hot yeah every now and then like you'll be cooking dinner together and he'll be chopping some vegetables and he'll just like look over them be like oh stab you stab you stab you and then one will get a little too close he'll be like oh look i'm i'm chopping the chop on my green beans and he just turns and looks at you and he freezes and he grips the knife a little too hard and his eyes travel the length of your neck and then he's like so have you read foucault like words really have no meaning like if i say chair we all imagine a different chair wow

isn't language crazy honk honk i'm so silly he's got a red nose on that whole time then he squirts you with the flower in his pocket uh i don't like this at all it's a fucking two yeah i'm putting it too as well also it's like that's such a wide realm of things it's like i want someone who's silly i want someone who's dark i want someone who's philosophical it's like cool you just want someone who's everything i guess yeah the only three things there are i want the stew of person. Yeah. I want mental stew. This is a Bumble snippet. They have no name, but a non-negotiable is keeping Jesus first and having a mild slash great level of love for humans. Well, hey, I got bad news for you.

Putting Jesus first usually means you're putting a lot of humans second. You know what? Yeah. You would have a less. less though she's okay with only having a mild love for humans so maybe you know half of them that's pretty mild yeah that's fair they're a very select select group of people who are getting the mild love yeah keep jesus first and be super great to like some humans. Yeah. Wink. We'll talk about those groups

later. Wink. Wink. Behind our gated community. Uh, no, fuck all of this. It's a one. Yeah. And look, there's nothing wrong about loving Jesus. If you love Jesus, that's fine. Do your thing. But if it's your main sort of like

personality trait, if that's what you need above all else, like if you need like if you're like, oh, hey, in non-negotiable, you have to love Jesus. But I'm cool with you being, I don't know, hate dogs, run red lights, drinking and driving, all those things. As long as you love Jesus. You know what I mean? long as you love jesus you know i mean like it's also just unfortunate that like a lot of you know people that love jesus are as we mentioned like super homophobes or super racist it's like it's really hard to divorce that from you being a shit person you know what i mean it's it's hard to separate people who are hyper religious or at least making that a a conscious choice to like broadcast that out there yeah it's hard to

divorce that idea from uh some of the more vocal uh opponents of social liberties and like you know the vatican is historically pretty shit the like catholic church in general like there's been so much shit that's like if you are this super jesus lover it's like one great i hope you're not like the shitty people two maybe just realize that putting that out there unfortunately in your case if you are a good person does have all this like tinge surrounding it and maybe this is not the thing to lead with because if you are that loud and proud but don't seem to realize the downfalls of that you do seem more like the ignorant person that is shit. Yeah.

Juan Hondo P. From Althea. Good looking skins are the same, and interesting souls are one in a thousand. This is a absolute Google Translate nightmare, and I appreciate it. I've read enough English as a second language dating profiles, and I know what you're trying to say. I get it. I just love how miserable it is.

Because one in a thousand isn't that great. One in a million, sure. Even one in a billion, like once in a lifetime. But one in a thousand, I was like, damn. So there's a lot of fucking interesting souls, I guess. But I hate your skin. Yeah, but that's not – I think that's a very reasonable thing to say. What's the point in saying this, like, flowery, poetic statement that's just, like, kind of reasonable?

Well, I mean, think about it. I've met six wonderful friends. Are we to assume that I got a one in a million each time? For sure. So, you know, I get what they're saying. I understand. I i got a one in a million in my case for sure so you know i i get i get what they're saying i understand one in a billion but that's fine maybe one in seven billion actually sorry it won in 3.5 because there are two niles like as in horan nope oh dark dark now oh Nope. Dark No. Oh. Wile, your Wario. Leon.

Thank you very much, friends. That's the end of the episode. It is. We are very happy that you were here. We love you. We are happy you're here. We love your butts. Unless you're uncomfortable with that, in which case we respectfully don't. Do not love your butts unless you're uncomfortable with that in which case we respectfully don't do not love your butts yeah we like love your butts in the like metaphysical sense where like

it's not your physical butt necessarily and it's we just love you you're great that's the idea of your butt i guess now that's that's also We love you guys. Thank you for being here. Hopefully you'll be here next week, but with more friends in tow. Also, if you want to be on our Patreon, that would be fucking awesome, because then we could keep doing this podcast ad infinitum. Basically, you have

some tears for less than the price of a beer a month. You will get an extra episode every month, and our backlog of episodes episodes and some of them are all fucking fun and the other ones also really good i don't know if i just spaced it do you say for the price of an episode you get an extra episode i said less than the price of a beer okay i think if not that's what i meant uh thank you josh eagle and the harvard cities for their song paper stars ready for some bad sex writing yes uh this is an ad on facebook marketplace seeking

live-in cat girl albuquerque we are seeking someone preferably female who identifies as a cat to live with us as our house cat we provide all the creature comforts including a negotiable allowance we believe the kitty in question would be more comfortable and happy if they could give their input and opinion on certain catty accoutrements, furniture, decorations, scratching posts, etc. The room is 10 foot by 12 foot with a 2 foot by 5 foot closet, 4.5 foot by 4.5 foot window with an open view. Across the hall from the room is a full and spacious bathroom with toilet and shower slash bath. Your new forever home is located within an attractive neighborhood in the blank area. And then they finish with a few spaces down. A capital good poem. Consider to the letter.

Now mendicants play with ease, but they've capitalized some letters in it to say, no man, please. Real clever. You said, like, oh, preferred woman. Just say we want a woman. Yeah, I guess it's against Facebook marketplace rules, but trying to solicit some cat sex isn't. They do not say anything about sex, Niall. Kitty comforts. Sometimes

you say things without saying them, you know? Me? Just people. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we've been your kitty comforts. Meow.