F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 209 - Completing Your Bootédex

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

He wants to gaze upon your cheeks like no one ever has.  The peep them is his real test, to rim them is his cause. Topics include what's good for the butthole is good for the gander, closure for children, dealing with the challenges of modern online dating, how to take charge, walking the fine line between friends or something more.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. And we are a dating and sex advice podcast that has been nominated for many awards.

Where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners. And we answer them here in this podcast for you with you on you in you i stopped before i said that one you've now been canceled good job so i guess the rest of the podcast is gonna be me um i'm jacked up on coffee right now it's wonderful and it's a nice fall day so i'm feeling cozy i'm not sweating i don't know if you can hear how dry i am right now but i hope you can we're fucking i don't because then that means you can hear how dry I am right now, but I hope you can. Actually, I don't, because then that means you can hear how wet I am other times. Oh, it's, yeah.

No, I do most of the work. It takes a long time to edit the podcast, not to, you know, make it sound good and remove the things we don't want to be broadcasted out to you. It's literally figuring out how to remove the sloshing yeah and you do a great job you do a great job let's be fair there's one moment in episode uh 142 where you can hear a i just couldn't do anything about it i just couldn't do anything about it there is just a large a large slosh well i think the reviews said powerful squelch squelch is a terrible word yeah yeah i don't like moist moist yeah moist is a weird word i don't like it but like moist doesn't there's no action to most right squelch there's movement to that

there's a you know there's a visceral you can feel it and hear it what i'm saying is everyone who complains about the word moist is wrong and it's it's just done stop pretending like you don't like if you say it near dane and if you say you don't like moist in your dane he'll make you squelch it's true and then you'll also be moist and then we'll be neither of, neither of us will be happy. No one will be happy. Yeah. So we're going to have a fun day today because we're going to just jam in two episodes in a row.

One for your ears and one for our special Patreon people. So if you're interested, head over to Patreon and sign up and you'll get an extra episode every month. And support us and help us to continue making this podcast without going broke. You can do that by heading over to fbuddiespodcast.com, click the Patreon link, and sign up. Now, speaking of Patreon, are you ready for this question? Yes. Perfect. This is by BobJones556U.

He ate my ass on date two, then ghosted? I'm a 34-year-old female. He's a 32-year-old male. So I went on two dates with a guy, and they went incredibly well. No kiss on date one. He initiated both dates and we had regular communication in between. Lots of shared values and things in common, blah, blah. He walks me home, we start making out and go up to my apartment and that's when shit got weird. He had his full on kink side come out. I'm no prude, but the dirty talk coming out of his mouth was so ridiculous I almost had to hide

my laughter. The intensity of kissing and excitement seemed to be out of proportion to where we are at with how long we've known each other. We had just had one drink each at the bar. Then he went to start fingering me, and the first hole he went to was my butthole, which I was a little surprised by. I asked him to scoot up a couple inches, and he started going down on me and gave me a full-on rim job. He turned me around so my ass was facing the bedroom mirror and stared at my asshole in the mirror and spread my cheeks. His arousal was off the charts. Anyway, we didn't have sex. I gave him a blowjob and said I didn't want to go further, though I feel like a rim job on day two is more intense than sex in some ways. So that was Wednesday. It's Sunday. Haven't had a peep from him. Was

he just trying to get a little bit of his kink slash freak on and has disappeared to the next one? Is there a chance he's embarrassed and waiting for me to initiate? He could tell I was sort of surprised when we were hooking up. This was just a very intense and bizarre situation I've never been in before, and I don't know what to think. Huh. I mean, these questions are always tough for me because I don't know how you reacted. I don't know how he was acting. So, like, if he pulls this move and you were visibly, you know, not into it,

he might be like, yeah, not feeling it. I wouldn't say anything is bizarre until the butthole mirror exercise. The butthole mirror thing is a power move. That one's a bit strange to me. Again, not here to yuck anyone's yums. That's fine. But I think that's something that you got to like, if you're into it, maybe strategic positioning so that like, you know, when they're giving you a blowjob, their butt's facing the mirror and you can kind of like, but to like, just sort of like turn it around, face it in the mirror. Cause like you can look at it.

That's the thing. It's like you're introducing a middleman here. Yeah. I don't understand why. You can, you can take a second like in doggy or while you're eating their ass. You can, you can, you can take a moment and like really get a gander of it. If that's what you're into. That's fine. Every now and then, if I'm going down on someone, I do like to take a quick breather to just sort of appreciate the beauty that is the female form.

But I wouldn't reach over to a- Hold on, hold on. Can you just go over here and sit on the edge of the bed? Hold on. Yeah, I'm just going to move your mirror, spread your vagina. Oh, look at it. Yeah, there it is. Hold on.

So I think that's really the only sort of bizarre thing that you're talking about. I don't think that it's necessarily bizarre that he ate your ass on date two, right? Yeah, there's some weird things about this. I will say, like, you you know boundaries are important it's like maybe don't just dive into stuff without asking especially if they're things that aren't necessarily standard like to just jump into straight up fingering someone's butt immediately like that that's intense unless he just missed which seems hard to do well also unlikely considering his anal fixation ass obsession yeah for the rest of the night i would also say as

nasa there are things that you kind of like need to broach i think anal and ass play and all that kind of stuff definitely needs a little bit of preparation and like for sure gas also there's there's a level of cleanliness that that should be taken into consideration um and if you weren't expecting it there's no way she had a butthole clean enough to really go to town on because. Yeah, which like, hey, if that's the thing you're into, fair enough. But like their level of comfort is not going to be great if they're just thinking, oh, fuck, like I haven't cleaned down there. I haven't gone, you know, blah, blah, blah. You definitely even if you're OK with it, you still need to give the other person a heads up and the ability to veto your ass munching because it doesn't really matter if

you're cool with it they might not be and that's kind of shit no pun intended quite literally i also was interested by the fact that she was like uh the intensity of his kissing and excitement seemed to be out of proportion to where we're at with how long we've known each other this girl doesn't understand how male arousal works or really like any arousal. Like I wouldn't say I've, I've had very intense makeouts and with women being the sort of initiator or the one that I, whose level I was or energy I was matching. Like there isn't benchmarks of being like,

this is how, this is how much we kiss on, on the, the one week mark. And once we've known each other for a month yeah it seemed i only get full aroused on date eight up until then it's just you know 10% boner 20% boner half chub like no like literally someone could walk in right now and i'd be fully aroused if they were attractive and i was attracted to them just want to get that out there

that's such a bizarre thing to be like it's kind of weird that he was aroused when that's not how it works. I have had really intense, like one night stands. Oh, for sure. Like that was like one night stands are great. You're arguably like when people are so new, they're arguably like more arousing.

That's why like long-term relationships tend to taper off in terms of like arousal and shapes. Cause you get used to each other. Yeah. Getting back to the meat of the question or, or the actual question i don't know what do you want it like there are some questions you have to ask yourself do you want to see this person again were you into it were there things it sounds like they were they are because like they seem disappointed at the end even though a lot of it seems to be like this guy's a fucking weirdo so

i'm i am confused if if you want to see them again reach out there's no rule saying that you can't be the one to reach out this guy might have just like now that he's seen your butthole is done with you and doesn't want to see you again because he's just a just an anus ogling yeah he's added your anus it's like when you uh when you go up like the towers in assassin's creed and you like survey the area and then you never have to go up there again he surveyed your butthole he held it open he looked in the mirror he took his 10 seconds you heard that eagle screech and now it's in his inventory and he never needs to go back yeah he's he's trying to catch them all right like he's added your butt to the booty decks and now he's put you in the the fucking storage nurse joy is going to take care of your butthole

from now on hey we could only hope and like hey look if that's the case that sucks i'm sorry especially if you like the guy and you want to keep doing it but at the same time if you do want to see him again and you did enjoy parts of it invite him back over or say that you'd like to see him again and now that you've like kind of opened this door you can then have conversations about boundaries and being like hey so here are the things i really like here are the things i'm not too sure about here are the things i didn't like yeah for sure and like when you're less surprised and more prepared and you guys are on the same page it's gonna be much better now i will say again there's one thing that another thing that kind of sticks out at me is like you say oh was

he trying to get a little bit of his kink slash freak on and has disappeared to the next one that's like remove the fact that he's super into your butt and he's a little freaky for you. And just think of like, like, fuck that and be like, yeah, did he want to just get a blowjob and move on? Sure. People can do that. People can just be like, oh, it was a hookup and whatever. But like, I don't think the fact that it was kinky and freaky is anything to do with it. Unless, of course, he is catching all the buttholes.

Yes. Which we've already established. Yeah. So those are those are your options. If if you want to see him again reach out to him if you don't want to see him again big shrug yeah if you're not into it who cares if you are yeah maybe he did think you weren't that into it you know maybe he's worried that you weren't super hype if you were let him know if you weren't but you still like him set boundaries but yeah reach out like what what do you got to lose he's already stared into your butthole is it gonna get worse than that it can oh it can always get worse but like compared to the awkwardness of sitting there while a man just dead eyes you in the butthole through a mirror no less like reaching out to to text him that's nothing he's done you a favor

yeah i mean this thing there's nothing you could do that would probably be weirder at this point yeah the butthole stare is is a power move for sure and yeah he's just like breaking the ice forever you have no more ice this is a throwaway account uh i'm not gonna read the question title because it you know it gets into it i love i love when we do this no this isn't this isn't a super fun one oh sorry fuck it we just talked about butthole staring keep the energy going okay all right no it's okay if when we do this. No, this isn't a super fun one. Oh, sorry. Fuck it. We just talked about butthole staring. Keep the energy going. Okay.

All right. No, it's okay. If it's the time for that question, it's just the time for that question. Yeah, it's long, and I want to get it in here. My girlfriend and I were together for four years, and when we got together, her son was two years old. I accepted him as part of my girlfriend

and was involved in his life up until now. The father wasn't around, so we have a pretty strong bond with each other and we had fun together. I was somewhat of a father figure to him. In the last year of my relationship with my girlfriend, everything went downhill relationship-wise for me. I wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't getting the fulfillment I deserved or desired from the relationship. My girlfriend always had something else to prioritize over me. I'm not talking about her son because I understand that. Whether that was her friends or her hobbies. Despite efforts to resolve this, it didn't work out for me. I felt guilty for wanting to end the relationship, but I was still unhappy and realized that I had to make the selfish decision breaking up to find my own happiness. I tried so hard to make it work, but if it wasn't going to work,

I'm going to accept that. I by no means hate my ex we just had different expectations from our relationship. The breakup was hard really hard for my ex. For the past weeks I've been getting texts and calls from her daily borderline begging me to come back but I've made my decision and I'm standing by it. This eventually stopped. After this she asked if I still want to be part of her son's life because he has been asking for me ever since I've stopped coming around and he's having a hard time with me not being around. She said that I'm like a dad for him and that it would mean the world for him if I stayed part of his life. But truth be told, I don't want to be a part of his life anymore. He's a great kid and I know this breakup hurts him just as much. I feel

guilty about this, but I also know that I don't want that in my life anymore. I want to enjoy my single life and build my own future and I don't think I want her son to be a part of it. I definitely won't be dating women with kids anymore in the future to avoid painful situations like this. I definitely know what I want but I'm now just stuck on how to give my ex and her son closure. Should I meet up with them one last time so he has closure or should I just let things fade out and let them forget about me over time? That's a just a rough one. I will say like, I'm glad that they know what they want and they're sticking to it because you do have to look after yourself. And obviously this is a hard situation to turn away from,

but if you know, that's not what you want and not what you can commit to, then, you know, I appreciate that they are able to, to recognize that and make decisions accordingly. We've talked about closure here before though. And it's kind of not like a thing. It's a very much a movie thing where like you'll go and you'll

have a lunch with them and you'll explain it to a fucking six year old and he'll get it and the mom will be chill and they'll move on and be happy. That's not going to fucking happen. The kid's not going to get it. The mom is probably going to use this as an opportunity to completely guilt you or, you know, I just feel like it's not going to be as clean as you might think it could be. And if you're doing it for their sakes, I don't know. Like if you don't want to do it and you think it's the best thing for them, like, I don't think that's the way forward. If you think it would be good for you, if something you want, sure. But i honestly feel like it's not going to be as smooth as you want it'll be awkward the kids too young to understand it and that's like

sometimes a clean break is for the best yeah i i don't know if i agree with you um i i understand your point and and i i see where you're coming from but i think i don't think six-year-old is i think six-year-olds are are a lot smarter-year-olds are a lot smarter than you give them credit for. You know, like. Six is pretty fucking young. It is. It is. But I think at that age, they're able to at least like, six-year-olds have personalities.

You know what I mean? It's not like they're four where they're just starting to learn to talk, yada, yada. And like, you know. Six-year-olds have fucking personalities, dude. No, I know. But what I'm saying is like six-year-olds, like, again, they're smarter than you think. Six-year-olds, you're almost in grade one at that point. I don't know your fucking grading system, so.

I mean, it's literally the first level of school. Yeah, but I didn't go to school over here. Right. But, okay, when did you start school? So we start, there's like junior infants, senior infants, first class through the sixth class. You don't know what years those represent. What? I'm just saying I don't know what your grade systems are, so you tell me.

Okay. When did you start school? What age did you go into first class? I don't know. Probably five. Okay. So I'm assuming your first two are like kindergarten. It doesn't matter what year you're in.

Six is pretty young. Get to your point. Anyway, six- like I said, six year olds, I think are smarter than we're giving them credit for. But what I'm saying, what I want to posit is abandonment issues can fuck people up

pretty, pretty bad. I dealt with a lot of it when I was younger. Thankfully, not because of parents, but I've had friends who got really fucked up and with drugs and disappeared on me and i didn't know where they were and i didn't know what happened things in past relationships

again of just like completely ghosting those kind of things left a mark on me as a teenager and young adult i don't think there's any harm in having a conversation or even like writing a letter so that they can revisit it at another point in time when they are older and might have a better grasp instead of having this blank you know being like hey there was this guy who was cool and like liked me and we got along really well and then one day he just fucking disappeared because the only thing that you are relying on then is the conversation or the the story that the mother tells. And by all means, she has the right to, you know,

depict you however she wants. But I think it sounds like you do like this kid and you care about him. So I think there is very much a, not responsibility, but if you want to, I don't think there's any harm in sitting down with this kid and being like, hey, just so you know, you know, this isn't your fault. This has nothing to do with you. Your mother and I were seeing each other. We're moving on. I still like you. You're a great kid. You're going to be great. Yada,

say whatever you need to say or say what you want to say. And at least then there's less of a chance that they're going to be like, cool, I did something and they hate me and potentially put that as like a defining characteristic of how they approach relationships for the rest of their life i do agree in a way i think your letter idea is actually very good because not only can you like is it something they can have and as you said revisit it but like it's both personal and impersonal and i think a good way yeah but again it's like who's to say the mom I think a good way. Yeah. But again, it's like, who's to say the mom ever gives him the letter.

Yeah. And I think like, maybe I'm just jaded from far too much time on Reddit researching for this podcast, but like people using kids as bargaining chips or like guilt or weapons in, in breakups like this is all too common. And I think that itself is going to be very traumatizing to the child as well.

And if this person, I agree with you, but i think based on how this guy seems and his you know the way he's built himself in this question i feel like he would have a a good enough head on his shoulders to not let that happen if that makes sense i don't think it's up to him i think if you meet up and like, you know, I like, I literally was walking to the shop a few years ago and a guy in front of us was like, I forget the exact conversation, but like the kid was like, he said something. And then the dad was like, oh, it's because mommy doesn't want you to be happy. He doesn't want me to be happy. Like she's trying to like, blah, blah, blah, because she's selfish. And was just like poisoning this fucking kid's mind. It was trying to like use it as this little like chip in their game which was fucked up because presumably it's his kid and it's like all too easy for them to show up and her to just be like unload using this kid and again

this person could be really cool this might not be a thing but it's also a risk you know i wish we knew the situation a little bit better but it's like to go from ignoring issues to the point where you have a breakup and then immediately switch to like begging and then using the kid as a bargaining chip, which is kind of happening already. Whether or not that is done with malicious intent or genuinely or both. I would just be really worried that this poor kid gets pulled into this awful situation. Yeah. And like, unfortunately, he kind of is already. It's, you know, unintentionally the sort of collateral damage of dating someone with a kid from a past relationship. But again, you make a good point.

These are the situations where we can't, as everything, like can't give you a flat answer. There's so many variables. If you know this mother cares about their kid and wouldn't pull that shit i think going in and having this conversation and then also giving the kid the letter to be like look you might not understand now so i'm gonna give this to you so that when you're older you can read it and hopefully it will make more sense i i think that's that's a very reasonable thing to want and to do in an effort to to certainly not uh leave a a mark because i would i would feel really guilty just being like bye kid because like as much as you've acknowledged like oh hey this isn't

something that i want anymore and the only reason like it was something that i wanted previously was because you know you didn't really have a choice in order to be with this person i i do think that like building a bond with someone and then being like bye because like not having like two to four or two to six is like such a formative innocent like year like you're probably their dad in their eyes you know what i mean yeah it's fucked it's a rough situation yeah now the thing is what if this person doesn't want to this thing it's you know it all comes down to like things that you want to do and it but it sounds like he does you know what i mean like it does sound like he wants to give this kid something so that it's not or at least he's not sure what would be the best course of action and in my

personal opinion i think the best course of action would be to at least have a very brief conversation to be like hey it's not your fault your mother and i are just going different ways you're the best you're a cool guy you're gonna be fine you know i you know what i think we you you've swayed me i think we're but we're i think we're under salient i think what you need to do is date her for another half a year and get progressively worse so that by the end of those six months the kid's happy you leave yeah and then no trauma this asshole's out of here yeah and then even like have them come up with a plan to get rid of you and get the mom to work with it as well so that like instead of the kid being like wow he left i suck it's my fault i'm lesser he's gonna like damn i'm so good that i managed to get rid of this guy i saved my

family me and my mom are gonna be okay, like a Home Alone sort of style. Like early 90s, oh, this stepdad's evil, and I'm going to... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he needs to write fuck you wrong on the side of their dog after you send them up to bed for no reason. What a deep cut joke from a podcast that isn't ours. No one's going to understand that. And if you do, I love you.

Uh, no, I do think, yeah, like this is one of those things where it's not for you. It's not for your ex. It is for the kid. So like,

is it going to suck? Sure. Might it go badly? Yes. But like, unless you know, it's going to be fucking horrendous. Again,

you know, your ex better than we do. I think it would be a nice thing to do to have at least a chat or a letter with this kid yeah you've swayed me that's all i want to do the six-year-olds i'll i'll give them the benefit of the doubt for now i like i said i think you'd be very surprised if you sat down and had a conversation with a six-year-old i've probably hung out with far more kids than you i don't know your like extended family do you have like a bunch of younger cousins and shit i don't think i don't have a i don't have a single family. Do you have a bunch of younger cousins and shit? I don't think so.

I don't have a single cousin. Exactly. So I know exactly how smart six-year-olds are. Thank you very much. Yeah, but they're all- Thank you very much. They're all Irish, and you guys don't start school until you're 14, apparently. Well, I just told you we started earlier than you.

You said five. What? No. Or you said six. That's when you start grade one. There's kindergarten and senior kindergarten. This is the worst episode of podcasting of all time. I feel like you think that there's like some wild difference.

I'm pretty sure your school system is, you just call it classes instead of grades. No, you guys have fucking middle school. What the fuck is that? That's grade six, seven, and eight. Exactly. That's insane. We just have two. You have three.

This is not too cool, guy. I don't think I'm cut out for online dating. I'm doing something wrong. I don't know what, though. Every time I match with someone, it's the same story over and over. We talk for a day or two, flirt back and forth, make plans, and I'm ghosted or outright blocked. I don't know what I do wrong. I joke around and tease a lot, but I never say anything I would consider rude or untoward.

A girl unmatched me today. When I asked why, she said it was because I called her handsome. It was a sincere compliment. I'm pretty average in terms of looks, so I try to be funny slash sweet. I give lots of compliments and ask questions. They ask questions too sometimes, but it's like I can't hold anyone's attention for long. I've been using different online dating apps on and off for years now. Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, you name it, I've used it. I've never had a single date most of this just me rambling such venting i'm not mad no one knows me anything it's just disheartening and a little embarrassing it doesn't help i'm extremely sensitive to rejection yeah i

mean i feel like anyone who is growing up where their primary source of dating which i would say like you know anyone in their 20s right now for sure. You know, I mean like Tinder, Tinder is probably like their first introduction to the world of dating. I would understand that rejection is, is a, is a, is a sensitive topic because it happens a lot and it's, and it's pretty in your face as well. You know what I mean? Like whether you're not getting matches. So it's like, Oh cool. No one likes me or you matching with people and then getting blocked for seemingly no reason, which happens frequently. Yeah, like I get it. I understand why you're you're sensitive to being rejected because it's it is a very large if you're using online dating, it's not the same as meeting people in real life. It's very different. It's very cut and dry or it's very like cutthroat. And on top of that, it doesn't really reflect how people see or how you are because they're only really seeing a glimpse of what you put forward. We look at dating profiles at the end of every episode and

a lot of them are absolute trash. I'm sure the person behind them is far better in some cases. And yeah, on top of that, it's like pictures are hard to do. You might have pictures that are, you know, you with a fucking fish that people are sick of. Or it might be pictures where you're in a group of guys and they can't tell which one's you. Or you've only taken really posed pictures so that you don't seem like you have any friends.

So like there are so many things to do with online dating and how you've set up your profile and also just the fact that online dating is itself very much like swipe left right like it's so quick there's not really much regard happening there that like you really need to not be sensitive to rejection on online dating in particular and we talked about it i did a whole fucking study on it a couple months ago where online dating is specifically meant to make men desperate so that you will pay money for the premium options. Like you, you are getting a very skewed experience because they don't promote your profile when you're not paying for it. You're not going to if you get like the notifications of being like, someone likes you. Like I have an app right now. Let me, let me pop it open right now.

Yo, you pop that app. I'll pop this app right now. So on my OkCupid, I have apparently 66 people who have liked my profile. And you're waiting until there are four more before you do anything. I delete my profile successfully. But the other day I was like you know what i was at work and i was like you know what fuck it i was like we're gonna say yes to everyone and see how many matches didn't get a single match i was like well 66 people like me where

are they what are they doing and it's because they they want us be like look at all these people that like you you want to see them you want to see who likes you like tantalizing you with a fucking sexy carrot yeah you know pay us 50 a month or whatever ridiculous prices these these apps are charging You want to see them? You want to see who likes you? Like tantalizing you with a fucking sexy carrot. Yeah. You know, pay us $50 a month or whatever ridiculous prices these apps are charging now. That's how they make money, right? They're not going to do it to women because women need to be on a platform in order for it to be successful. If there's no women on the platform, no dating app is going to be successful so what they do therefore is dry up the resources for dudes who are more willing to spend money to get dates yeah and that's the thing

on top of everything we just mentioned it's not a fair natural system it's unfair you know i mean you're working against all these powers you can't even see that they're just kind of like twisting it so that you get a bad shape now there's something important that's happening in this question you're getting matches he's calling women handsome well that i was gonna get to that's not a great call yeah handsome is a very particular compliment for women and it very rarely is good even when it's good and look there's also you know i i'm all for removing uh gender specific sort of compliments or whatever of being like oh it's weird to call a man pretty it's weird to call a woman handsome but you also have to like the average person probably still associates those things it's just it's just the fact so like chances are calling a woman handsome in their

mind they're connecting me oh they think i look like a man and like honestly i think handsome i would i think handsome on a woman does imply more masculine features than pretty on a guy does they imply female features you know i feel like pretty on a guy or like cute i think there's definitely people out there who would get butthurt about it but i think men are so starved for compliments that they'll take it. And two, it's like kind of been, it happens enough. You know what I mean? Like there's a lot of K-pop stars who are male and people say they're like pretty or

like Ed Sheeran's cute. And it's like people get it. But like you have to know that there is this tinge to handsome. And yes, should we all be chill about it? Sure. But we're not. So maybe just be a little bit more careful with the compliments you're using because like there's no way you

can't realize how that could be misconstrued yeah there's there's a lot like unfortunately there's no advice you can give about online dating because well like there's so many fucking like variables all you know is like you might have had a great conversation with someone who had been dating and they were just like actually you know what we're i'm gonna pursue this person i'm gonna delete my app it like it has nothing to do with you they just found there's literally been times when i was back on tinder which was years ago and i would be doing so well with someone and then they just disappeared and i'm like did did my hatch mother did my like app glitch and fucking delete them by accident or like what happened and it is kind of annoying but like you need to be able to to move past that and also not call

people handsome unless you're 100 sure they're going to take it well and i will say in terms of like we can't give advice for online dating we like it's not going to be like pickup artists like to say we're like here's the one way to do it here's like a very concrete answer but i will say you say you give lots of compliments maybe ease off the compliments yeah because like all you really have to go on is their looks and it's like if you're giving lots of compliments about their looks you're gonna sound fucking weird just like talk or like make it one you know what i mean but it's like if you're giving weird compliments or if you're just gushing like yeah you're gonna sound fucking weird just like talk or like make it one you know what i mean but it's like if you're giving weird compliments or if you're just gushing like yeah you're gonna seem kind of creepy yeah and i mean like look if if i'm going to give any

advice at all i would say have your conversations have your banter try to get into something other than hey how's your going how's your day oh i'm. What do you do? Like that shit that everyone's had that conversation a million times. So you've immediately just fallen into the big vat of uninspired conversations in people's like consciousness, right? Like everyone's like, oh, yeah, it's like, oh, we've done that. I've talked to person a thousand times just with a different face so try to find a way to talk about anything more interesting than that and then if you want to ask them out ask them out fairly quickly or ask for the number that like i you gotta you gotta ask them out quick yeah i do my best to within like a day or two to make plans with them if i would like like if i get the vibe that i would actually like to go on a date with them, I give them my number.

I'm like, here's my number. Let's, let's do this on this day at this time. Shoot me a text. And then, you know what I mean? If they want to text me,

great. That's a far more. Now we're off the app. Now it's not another notification on Tinder, which most women get nonstop. Now you're, now you're a text message with a name literally help set you apart like literally and metaphorically now you know i'm gonna i'm gonna go i'm gonna transition to this question because it fits it fits i will say just very quickly lay off the fucking compliments don't overdo that and like

you also you try to be funny sweet it's like you are funny and sweet or you're not. If you're trying to force this weird personality, that's not you. It's not going to work. So be yourself as well. This is question, question 23. Question. What's the appeal of a guy that takes charge? Also tips on taking charge when you're in the talking stage, dating and then having sex.

What's the appeal of a guy that takes charge? Also tip. Oh, it's just the same thing. confidence is attractive if you take charge you are confident this is why i'm bringing up i i think step one uh the take charge is like get a number get off tinder get off the app whatever it is become a name instead of a notification i think that is a very good rule of thumb because once you start texting with someone if it's like oh Dane sent you a message it's way better than a Tinder message because like if you have female friends the funniest thing is watching how quickly they get rid of those fucking notifications the second a dating app notification like it's a swipe it's gone like they're so done with it yeah it's become almost like uh like pavlov's bell where like you get one that's just like automatic swipe gone a friend of mine has it was like 700 and something notifications on hinge and she's just like i can't open the app

i'm so scared so i was like like that gives you a pretty good insight as to like the uphill battle you're fighting on on online dating apps and stuff like that. Because like it's so intimidating for both sides for very different reasons. But I think if you want to take charge, you got to make a move quickly. Again, don't like the first message shouldn't be like, here's my number or give me your number. I'm taking you out. Like that's not it. You still have to earn it, but don't rely on your app as your main source of whatever and then in terms of

dating one of the things that drives me crazy is like the what do you want to like where do you want to go like when blah blah blah it fucking sucks just have a place that you want to take them be like cool are you free on sunday let's go to this bar at this time yeah and like look someone has to take the initiative does it suck that that generally societally falls to man yes it does but you still got to do it so be you know have a suggestion you know let me be like okay uh i would love to like blah blah here and you can always be like oh do you like wine or are you into cocktails or like you can ask a question to like narrow things down a little bit if you want,

but it's good to have a place that you know and can rely on and is good and fun. And then just go for that. You know what I mean? And if for some reason they don't like it, great. Suggest another one. But like the whole back and forth, what do you want to do? Oh, I don't know. Well, there's this place like that's not fun. And it's effort. And it's like, if you're doing that, but someone else is like, oh, here's a place that's's not effort they don't have to work to go out with that person so that's going to be more fun part of like being in charge or a guy who takes charge is having a plan and then also not uh being afraid to like alter it and change it like i think one being like having something concrete and being like cool i want to take

you here on this day at this time and then being able to to roll with the punches as well uh because i i feel like i i people take things very literally when it comes to this kind of stuff and i want to make sure that it's like if they're like oh sorry i'm not available on whatever or oh sorry not a big you know if you want to take them to a whiskey bar and they're like sorry i don't really like whiskey that's it then be like okay cool no you tell me what you're into and then and then take a second to research and find some cool places that they do like you gotta double down you're in charge you are in charge they're defying your authority if they don't want to go get whiskey so sucks for them but that's what they're doing now unmatch them yeah there you go that's

taking charge right there delete the app boom fuck you tinder no for sure and that's why i said like i don't want you just to be like we're going here you can always be like hey uh are you more of a wine or cocktail person and then if they're say cocktails like cool i know this really cute spot that makes custom cocktails on demand or if they're like wine like cool there's this new wine bar that opened up this place want to go there like you don't it's not like you can't ask questions it's not like you can't ask questions. It's not like you can't compromise. It's just the more that you take charge, the better.

Yeah. And now in terms of how do you take charge in the having sex phase, that is a little trickier because that can manifest itself in many different ways. Well, we've talked about one that's very good is like taking charge by getting them to tell you what they want which is like a weird way of being confident but collaborative where you can be like tell me what you want me to do to you you know i mean great because you're taking charge but you're also not just like fumbling or meandering and like you're still getting feedback and it's sexy and it might be something even as simple as being you know at the end of the date positing and be like do you want to come back to my place you know there's something as simple as

that because like there are often times where you'll probably find that like despite the fact that they didn't ask or hint at it they're very happy to you know come back to your place you just kind of have the balls to to sort of like say it most importantly the chill to be okay if they say no yeah if they're like oh sorry not tonight be like perfectly fine don't worry about it awesome yeah no worries and that's how you do it one of my uh favorite ways to sort of like open the door into sort of like a a dominant role in bed is when you're making out and and foreplay is is sort of about to start like i love asking do you want my fingers or my mouth and it's like nine times out of ten most women are just like both you know what i mean it's like and you're like well no you have to choose and it sort of like

puts you in a position of being like one that you're down for both and that you will do both because i feel like most women are shocked when you offer oral sex considering apparently how difficult it is to to get these days so upsetting um but also like it's fun to put two very enticing options on the table make people choose especially if they're if they can't choose yeah so i think that's i i feel like that is, is a really, really fun way to like open that door. And if they say both, you just, you'd be like, no, you choose which one of the other. Or you'd even just be like, well, which one first? You know, if you don't feel comfortable with such a bold statement, you know, I will say caveat time. Don't do it too early. Yes. Things have to be very much heading to. It's what you say when you want to do it too early. Yes. Yes. Things have to be very much heading to,

it's what you say when you want to do it. Yeah. Right. You're just going to do it. And like, it's very clear, you know, if pants come off,

right. Great. Go for it. Yeah. It's, it is like my, essentially my way of asking for consent, right?

Like it is, it is a fun sort of dominant way to ask for consent that being like, Hey, I want to go down on you or finger you. What would you like? Because they could say, oh, nothing right now. Neither. Yeah. And then again, you have to have the chill.

Yeah. This is why it always makes me laugh when people are like, asking for consent is so unsexy. Being like, can I do this? It's like, you don't have to say that. You don't have to be like, do't have to be like do i have consent to perform oral sex on you yeah if you say it like you're a scientist giving a fucking presentation or a ted talk yeah you're probably not going to pull it off but like there are a million ways to say it and it's up to you to not make it the derpiest least sexy thing yeah like consent can

also be statements you know you don't have to necessarily ask you can say i want to go down on you right now and that that is that is you asking for consent yeah as long as you wait to get their response to do it yeah so yeah so those are those are ways those are ways to take charge those are ways to like seem in control and and you know grabbing grabbing the bull by the horns is instead of asking questions, make statements and as Niall has reminded us several times, being chill if the answer is no.

I feel like we should institute a rule where as a guy, you're not allowed to ask anything unless you're chill with them saying no. Or giving you the answer you don't want. Exactly, yes. Very powerfully chill with getting the the other response you know oh hey will you be my girlfriend uh sorry i'm not quite

there yet oh no worries cool if you can't say that you're not allowed to ask the question oh you want to come back to my house uh no i'm not comfortable yet or like oh i have work in the morning you don't get to you don't get to be not chill about that. Hey, I saw you over here with your friends. You're super hot. You want to come get a drink? No, sorry. You're not allowed be not chill with their fucking response. And that's the new rule.

You can't ask something unless you're chill with the answer being the one you don't want. Yeah, it's an excellent rule. Yeah. All right, ready? This one's probably quick. And it makes sense considering what we're talking about. This is by Matter890. If a female coworker consistently accepts lunch invites, is she interested?

She and I have gotten to be good friends, but I've been noticing some changes in her behavior. When I arrive at work, she always ends up parking beside me so we can talk for a while before our shift starts. We go out for lunch about twice a week. We chat on Snapchat occasionally, and we talk about stuff that coworkers usually don't talk about. Goals, aspirations, things that are worrying her, etc. We make fun little jabs at one another, and usually end up laughing pretty hard. But after our most recent lunch, we hugged,

and she pressed herself up against me. Does she see me as a friend? Or do you think she might be interested in being more? Note, there's a significant age gap between us. I'm 33, she's 22. Again, this is like every other question of like are they interested yeah very very likely that they could be there's all those things seem flirtatious they seem to like spending time with you but if you guys just connected at work i i you have to there's no way i can answer this question. And really the only way to get to the bottom of it is to act on it in terms

of being like, Hey, I really like having lunch with you. Would you like to grab a drink with me one night? Yeah. I think like in terms of going forward, we've talked about this before. It's almost like taking it out of the app.

You need to take this out of work. If you want to move forward with this, be like, Hey, let's go for a drink. Let's whatever, make it not just be lunch, make it not just be whatever now they might still do that as a friend because let's dissect these things a little bit we talk about stuff co-workers usually don't talk

about goals aspirations things that are worrying her i talk about that with all my fucking co-workers yeah like literally every single one of them yep right we make fun jabs at one another that's me and all my friends we end up laughing That's me and all my friends. We end up laughing pretty hard. Me and all my friends. We hugged and she pressed herself up against me. How do you hug and not press yourself up against somebody? You know what I mean?

That's literally what a hug is. You can do the shitty hug. You can do the shitty hug. I know, but like, that's not, oh, that's a normal hug. That's a, I don't want to fucking touch you and I don't like you shitty hug. Yeah. So I will say nothing here is damning evidence one way or another, but like, I would worry that this person is taking normal things as like giant green flags. and and you mentioned it earlier of of men being so compliment starved of like we are so affection and uh starved for contact and like genuine interaction yeah that like it i i we talk about it a lot being like everyone needs to chill you know being a friend doesn't automatically make

them you know want to fuck you yada yada but like this is the danger that we've entered into like this vacuum of companionship and affection and compassion towards men that the second we get an ounce of it most dudes are like holy shit it's happening yeah it's oh my god and like it's tough because as now said depending on the the way you look at this question, you can either be like, Oh yeah, she's for sure into you or no man, she's your friend, right?

Like it's, it's all literally like an inch to the left or the right. And you're in a different camp. Yeah. And that's the thing. It's like, we can't tell you from this. I would not.

What I can tell you is I wouldn't take anything I've read here as a green flag one way or the other. I would try to move it outside of work. And again, be fucking chill if you're asking that question. If you're asking a question later on in the night, say, oh, can I kiss you? Or like, do you see us as more than friends or blah, blah, blah. You also cannot ask that unless you are chill with it going the way you don't want. And also have to accept the consequences of like maybe she is just your friend and that this wasn't a romance thing and you need to be either chill with that or okay with the fact that like lunch dates might stop yeah yeah yeah so i would

just err on the side of caution and it does suck like i've read so many depressing posts on reddit where it's like somebody got a hug and it's the first one they've had in like two years. And so many guys are like, I haven't had a hug in four years. And I'm like, oh, man, I want to give all you hugs right now. Yeah. It's tough out there. It's tough out there. Don't let that make you shitty.

And let's normalize giving men some affection. Yeah. We'll be so like dudes would be so less weird about shit if when someone came in you're like hey man you look good today yeah just give it give some compliments to us we need it i like to compliment people that come into my restaurant and they get it's it's weird it makes their day or it makes them so uncomfortable yeah it's just like oh i really like that shirt and i'll leave you know i'm not gonna wait to be like let's have a whole conversation about me liking your shirt but yeah all right tinder time it is tinder time at the end of the episode we like to jump onto online dating platforms such as tinder bumble hinge in

an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable by reviewing profiles saying what works and what doesn't work it's a full-ass hinge profile uh there are 22 grown-up scene kid turned clown girl. Clown emoji. Absolute chubby bombshell nomadic traveler. Gotta hang at your place since mine is a car. Where the emo boys at? Let me shower at your place.

I do nothing. Invite me over. Yes, it hurt. That thing that might be their Instagram handle, so I'm not going to read it out. I'm the gay frog Alex Jones warned you about. Old dating traditions are, and these are the warned you about Old dating traditions are And these are the prompts now Old dating traditions are out

My new tradition is Suck toes on the first date Okay Is that it? Yeah There's personality here that I enjoy There's a level of I don't want to deal with that

That I think trumps it Yeah They also, I will say Have have clown makeup on in every photo. Okay. Yeah, no, that is absolutely enough for me to say. I'm going to give that a hard pass. Now, Dane, I've been to your home. There's a lot of clowns.

So are you just lying to us? That's my mom. And that was, she had one clown thing. And my aunt was like, oh, you like clowns, huh? And then proceeded to give us too many clowns. Yeah, I will say let's I'm going to rack up the negatives and positives. Negatives first. Clown girl.

Not I'm not going to lie. Not another thing for me. I do nothing. Invite me over. Kind of sad. My place is a car. OK, not lovely. I'm the gay frog Alex Jones jones warned you about fucking hilarious

very good the thing honestly the thing that upsets me the most is let me shower at your place yeah you're kind of insinuating that you not only don't have your shit together but you're a little stinky that's that's the thing it's like so if a person from hinge hasn't let you hang out recently, you haven't showered. Also, are you then going to spend hours putting your clown makeup back on? I don't want you in my fucking house. Yeah, I'm going to give it a four. And like, I'm not trying to, I don't know if the whole living in your car thing is a choice or if it's an economic thing. I don't want to.

They say nomadic traveler yeah i don't want to uh you know shame anyone for being in hard times at all i also just don't think that making it your dating persona is is the call for me because it's like the only thing i like i'm just like are you going to leave well that's the thing it's like there's shaming and there's also realizing that someone's situation isn't right for you. Just like if you start seeing someone and you they don't have a place, even if they're chill, that skews it so that you guys are always hanging out at your place. If they're not chill, excuse it that they're like, hey, can I come over and shower? Hey, can I stay here while you go to work, et cetera? And it's like it gets messy.

So you're allowed be not okay with someone's situation. Yep. Once you're not dick about it. Yeah. I'm going to give this a two. All right. Uh, this is Ruby looking to settle down so I can get fat and peace this winter.

That's it. Yep. Uh, it's like kind of funny, but like also not that funny. Let me give it a five. Yeah. I think five is where it belongs.

Like, getting fat in peace doesn't sound very exciting, but I know they're playing off the, like, whole cuffing season thing. Yeah. This is Rayo. If you know you want, think you know doesn't count. Not flaky and grounded. Head to your right, boo. Laughing emoji.

Otherwise, including hookup seekers and recently single, left is the way to go, love. Now that's out of the way. If you made it this far, here's a little more. Cat emoji, popcorn emoji, mountain emoji, castle emoji, island emoji, island emoji, camera emoji, music emoji, guitar emoji, violin emoji, piano emoji, ramen emoji, drink emoji, clinking champagne emoji, I love it. I was like, oh, okay. You know, you've done sort of your weird boomer. Like, if you don't want me at my best sort of like gross introduction. Now we'll actually get some personality.

Nope. Just a bunch of arbitrary emojis that I guess I'm going to have to decipher what that means. I love that they put two like desert island emojis, one with a palm tree and one with a umbrella. It's like, cool. Is that significant? They also have a plane taking off and a plane landing emoji just in case you think she only wants to be in the sky not a fan of Lost hates Lost well actually

might love Lost maybe loves Lost because of the two islands see that's the thing we don't know there's no polar bear there fuck man maybe she doesn't like the polar bear there's no smoke oh it's true that's all I know about Lost and it's all thanks to our other podcast, No Quest for the Wicked, where I stole a lot of Lost stuff.

I'm going to give it like a two. You know what? I'm giving this a one. I think there's nothing here that is useful. Yeah, it's pretty shit. This is Boston, the entire city of Boston. Cool. About me.

If you are not successful what you want, this is not the end of your trip. There is no impossible, but super hard. Your life, your choice. Just focus on your dream and believe yourself and try to know well about life and relax yourself on the beach and in natural things and choose to be optimistic. It's feel better. Love the way you do and try the best in everything. You will never regret about it.

Be confident. Be love yourself. Be smart. Be. You will never regret about it. Be confident. Be love yourself. Be smart. Be strong. Be kind. Be happy. Be active. I gotta go.

I'm sorry. I gotta go and realize my full potential on the beach. Goodbye, Dan. Godspeed. Hey, hey, be love yourself. Can we get that tattooed? Look, I understand. We have a rule here where we try not to make fun of people's language,

specifically when it's very clear that English is not their second language because knowing multiple languages is impressive regardless of how well you speak. Oh, for sure. Now, is this not a bot? I don't think it's a bot. It has strong bot energy. I don't think it was a bot. There's enough info in the me like automated stuff that makes

it seem like a real person i think it's just someone who just loves to inspire yeah damn i actually do feel massively inspired and honestly the only thing i really laughed out was be love yourself because you love yourself beautiful that's not even a bad laugh it's just it's just yeah it's just a funny thing to say i did feel a little inspired i'm not gonna lie that's it for a dating profile not great very bad job for a ted talk though but but for a ted talk excellent is their name ted no it's boston damn it's boston boston is a pretty inspiring city so yeah uh i'm gonna give it a three because i'm going to give it a three. I'm also going to give it a three for dating, a ten for making me re-evaluate my life. Okay. Well, we're going from Be Love Yourself to B31.

Nudes are played out. Send me a video of you reading out loud so I know you're not fucking dumb. But they use the wrong year. I love it. Do you remember when fucking, was it 50 Cent who kept challenging Floyd Mayweather to recap that? Oh, man. I love the Internet. This is a kind of funny profile, but also like the second you when you try to be smart and you make a mistake, you can't.

It's fails. You fail the joke the second you do that. So I'm giving it. I'm giving this a two. Yeah, it's pretty bad. My last one is Burrito. Burrito? Yep. And it is a picture of several burritos in various forms of creation and completion.

I bet all that swiping has made you hungry. Take a break. Burrito emoji. Ten. 10. 10. I would swipe on a burrito so hard right now. Every now and then Burrito Boys sends me a like really sexy burrito picture on Instagram. Damn.

Don't know why. And I don't, I don't remember ever letting Burrito Boys follow me. I feel like I remember you talking about this before. This has been happening for years it makes me really happy like if does they send it to everyone or is it just you i have no idea but like they'll literally send me like a like a cheese pull or like them slowly cutting the burrito and then like slowly picking it up and showing the cross section and they like rub it together it's, it's great.

So I can only assume this is the same person on Tinder. Now I might actually get a chance to fuck this burrito. Hell yeah. Uh, that's going to do it for this week. Friends. Uh, thank you very much.

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broke trying to bring you these wonderful episodes ready for some bad sex writing actually thank you josh eagle in the harvard cities for the song paper stars first now this is a this this i saw out in the wild uh it's it was been stapled on a few posts in downtown Toronto, and it's a clip art picture of a man with a towel smiling as he towels himself off, and it's, the bath towel swap and exchange community is for you. No more sorry, the font is fucking wild. No more boring shower drying off. No more predictable aromas coming from your familiar towels. Experience the excitement of

strangers' towels. We boast members of 26 ethnicities and something genders. We're expanding all of the time. Isn't it time you delighted in the acceleration of an unknown towel belonging to someone else? And you can email newtowelforyou at gmail.com.

You know what? I hope that they're saying multiple genders. Like, because, you know, the assumption would be from both genders. But if there is a number there that isn't two or both... There definitely is, yeah. I think it's like multiple sorry the picture is really bad and it's kind of like crumpled well i can imagine people are just furiously getting their hands

on this bad boy this opportunity yeah it's fucking it's fucking wonderful in fact like the most upsetting thing is the like the whole you oh, no more familiar aromas. So presumably you're not cleaning these towels before you get them. So therefore, this just sounds like fucking shingles, chicken pox swap. I just assume it's just not good for me. But you know what? It's good for somebody else. Yeah. I mean, again, we don't

yuck anyone's yum, so if you want to dry off with, you know, someone's strange towel, by all means. Hey, it's safer than, you know, trying to steal someone's towel at the pool. So, go for it. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Noss Bane. We've been your fuck buddies.

Come take our towels.