F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 211 - The Queen’s Gambutt

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

Yes, it's finally here.  The joke that transcended time and space to earn us any and all award nominations we have and ever will earn.  Topics include cheating form behind, the pros and cons of a pro and con list, lesbian porn stealing your girlfriend, when you break up and do a very bad job at it, getting what you ask for and hating it, the good, the bad and the uglyhot.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. My name is Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are an award nominated sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our astounding listeners. And we answer them right here, right now, in your ears, every Monday morning and once at the end of the month if you're on our Patreon. Yeah, we do two shows that week we do three shows we do too many shows too many shows i'm gonna get you off with not only some sex news but a follow-up on some previous sex news okay it's about the right stuff can you guess what why it's making headlines um is it launched it launched in between us talking about it and now i'm going to say it's filled with russian bots okay is that your final answer yeah this is a new york post article posted

two days ago i also saw on october 4th a lot of these posts going around and it's very funny right wing dating app users on the right stuff allegedly contacted contacted by FBI report. And here are some reviews on the dating site. Okay, app asks about January 6th. Harmless, right? I said I was there because I was. I'm a patriot. That's why I'm on this dating app. I use this for hardly an evening, and I get a call from FBI the same day.

What stunt are they trying to pull? Whoever developed this has to be deep state setting us up. I came here to find love, not a something warrant. Another review. Answer the question about January 6th honestly. And the next day, I have two police officers at my door telling me they had to call alleging I was involved in domestic terrorism. App was clearly created by Democrats as a way to subvert our constitutional rights as conservative Americans. Do not use this app unless you want to be harassed by left-wing fascists. So either these are fake reviews,

which I don't know, or for real, the FBI are monitoring this site and being like, oh, you're January 6th. All right. And either one's very funny because people are freaking out. The thing is, I don't believe that the left created this app because we already like we looked at the people who are invested in it who are right wing. Right. So like it doesn't make any sense for that. I think that once again, they are so dumb that they have openly admitted on a public online platform that they were, in fact, involved in domestic terrorism. Well, yeah, it's just a wild thing in general to be like, I'm going to publicly broadcast that I am I was part of a crime. Yeah. So I like, it always makes me laugh when people think that they have, like when they're online,

that they're anonymous and completely allowed to do whatever. It's like, no, no. Like laws still do apply on the internet. You also don't have any privacy. If you like, if you think you have privacy online,

you don't like, you don't have privacy in your day to day life right your phone is listening to you you're on camera like 90 of the time you're out in public you're being watched always i'm not saying this as a conspiracy theory this is just like this is just how it is that's the modern day world like everyone has a means of watching you and tracking you so to think that you are then you know forgiven for admitting to as you said a crime is wild to me yeah all it would take is one person who is conservative and on the app but doesn't agree with what happened that day which i'm sure are a lot or someone who's pretending to be conservative is on the app and fucking with people and then

is like oh wow this person admitted to a crime easy so anyway that's pretty funny yeah it's straight up just you know it'd be like starting a hinge account and being like having one of the questions being like underage women are dot dot dot and then you know being like sexy yeah and then being shocked people think i'm creepy being shocked that the police are knocking at your door the next day. It's just so fucking funny. Okay, now let's shut up about this and talk to me about what I want to hear. Whoa. You know what I want.

The chess? Yes. Oh, guys. You know what? I almost forgot about it again. I wish we could hear answers. I want to know. Anyone listening, do you know what's happening in the wonderful world of chess?

I thought you, did you not look into this? Not, what do you mean? Yes. So I don't know anything other than there was a- You don't know anything. No, I've kept myself in the dark about this because I figured you were bringing it. So all I know is that there is a very good chess man who has used his butt to cheat. And I don't know how, I don't know how i don't know i don't know everything

about it but i'll give you what i know right okay so the chess world was shaken when and i don't have everyone's names unfortunately but when big famous chess boy one of the best in the world i believe a chess master or grand master, I believe, quit a tournament after playing one move against his opponent and then claimed his opponent was cheating. So he played one move and then was like, nope, this guy's cheating and left. And everyone's like, what the fuck? It then turned out this guy admitted to cheating in online chess during COVID, which I believe was already proven or something and then people started analyzing his game and they were like yeah honestly like his his performance this guy had been at a certain

level and his moves followed like certain patterns and blah blah and then a short while ago that all changed and he got like massively better it's the point where people like look no one gets that much better that quickly and like all the chess people are like he's playing like a player that isn't him etc etc and now i don't know where this came from but when people were like well how did he cheat i thought it was a joke but the rumor was that he had put a vibrating sex toy up his butt uh which somehow transmitted moves to him from a supercomputer which was the thing so i thought it was just people on the internet being ridiculous, but I'm sure you've seen the picture. I haven't seen anything.

You haven't seen the picture of him getting his butt scanned? No. So he showed up to another chess match, and there's the saddest looking picture of him staring into the void as this very sad looking man is on his hands and knees holding what I believe is a metal detector up to his butthole uh yeah it's a silicone and you know like they don't have to be metal i guess they probably do if they have to like i guess you know connect to a supercomputer

and it's like yeah literally there's a picture i'm gonna send you the picture here and anyone else who who's interested they can they can look it up because it's just a golden fucking story but the it's a New York Post article and the it looks very sad but the caption is grand chess master Hans Niemann had to submit to having his tuchus checked for foreign objects after being accused of secreting a sex toy linked to a remote computer that was helping him cheat and it's just such a wild jump to be like he made one move the other guy's like no i'm out and then they're like it's gotta be a sex toy up it's gotta connect it to a supercomputer it's gotta be in his ass there's no picture it's i thought it was gonna be a picture of him like the the picture of him looking sad is him at a chess table not

him currently getting his butt scared yeah but look but look at his, like, frame. Look at those shoulders. Look at the way he's gazing up into, like, he looks like he's saying, why God? Now, if we're going to analyze body posture, look at the picture of him getting his butt scared. That looks like a man clenching. You know what? It could be less despair about the general fact that now this is part of his life and more like, please stay in there. That's what I'm saying.

It looks like this man is trying to, I would say, block the detection with cheeks. Maybe he's got tinfoil cheeks. Like, did he crinkle when he sat down, though? Well, wouldn't the tinfoil set off the alarm? True. But it blocks hey we can all rest easy knowing that any chess match you play against niall will be a fair one because he is he's too dumb to know the thing is if you foil everything they'll like scan they'll be like okay we're gonna go scan the side of you where there is no butthole

and we'll compare that to the butthole scan. And then like, huh, it says you've got metal, but there's nowhere to put it here. You're not screwing it into your hip, ha ha ha. And then they move over and like, weird, I guess you're just like that. Which is actually what happened. I got a finger injury, and like, my finger was fucked. I couldn't move it. Like, when I bent my

finger, my tendon was no longer attached, so my bone and finger stayed in place and the tendon bowed out like and moved the skin it was fucking awful so i went to get a ultrasound on it and they did an ultrasound and then what they do is they compare it to your other finger but like i'd also injured that one just not as severely and they were like yeah you're not hurt there's like excuse me and then the doctor like i guess the like head guy came in and was like oh no it's just he's more hurt than we originally thought so this has been

this has been sex news and now we know i i you know what i'm very bad at chess my mind doesn't work that way in order to be a good chess player but i will now forever the second anyone beats me in chess i will accuse them of using butt toys to cheat and what are they gonna do just spread cheeks show it to me in a mirror exactly happen but like it's just so good i literally thought it was people on reddit like taking the piss and just being like ridiculous and then the pictures show up with him this man his job was to scan a strange man's butt for chest cheating do you remember the guy who was looking at the butthole in the mirror yeah checking to see if they were a chest cheater maybe maybe that was it or maybe he was like maybe he was developing chest cheating he was like could it could it work what look let's solve

this problem that the guy with the scanner doesn't look happy. Get this dude in. He's more than happy to ogle like a butthole. All he wants to do is ogle. That's all he wants to do. He's going to be filling up that booty decks left, right, and center with all these chess players. Yeah, we've done it. We've solved chess cheating.

We've solved the booty decks. You're welcome. It's just such a great, I don't want to say sport because it's not a sport but it's such a good area of life to to have this scandal because chess is so demure and so like intelligent and like high class and now they have a sex toy butt cheating scandal and that's fucking wonderful you know there's somewhere there's like a guy drilling his poor kid to make incredible chess moves i've realized that was poor phrasing but you know what i mean he's just like he's got his kid locked in the basement being like until

you can beat this computer you don't get dinner uh to you know form the next great champion and now he's like well now now everyone's just gonna think my butt my kid's butt cheating or i could just get my kid a butt cheater and we don't even have to abuse him for years in that way i just can't wait for the sequel to queen's gambit yeah queen's gambit got him got him this is this is why we're award nominated this is exactly they looked at the future they saw this episode and they they were like, damn it. They got it. That one particular joke, absolutely.

They're currently bringing a dump truck of gold bars to just dump in our driveway. That's why we get paid the big money. By the way, if you would like to pass the big money, please do. Don't get me started on getting paid. Well, hey, you might hear more about that. Ready for a question? Yes. This is significant smoke. Girlfriend, 37-year-old female, found my, 32-year-old male, pros slash cons list about her slash our relationship, and she's devastated. I like to make lists. It helps me clear my head,

organize my thoughts, not forget things, et cetera. I make lists for all sorts of reasons. Tasks I have to do for work, tasks I have to do for my personal life, not forget things, etc. I make lists for all sorts of reasons. Tasks I have to do for work, tasks I have to do for my personal life, my grocery lists, my favorite winter vacation cities, etc. I have about two dozen lists saved in the notes app on my phone. I've been dating Veronica for about six months now. Right around the three-month mark, we had to decide whether or not we were going to be serious. I made a pro slash cons list, and we decided we were going to move forward and try to make it work. Here's the list. Pros. Patient. Athletic build. Loving. Funny. Hard worker. Great mom. Good sexual chemistry. Smart with money. Strong partner potential. Loves to cook.

Good swimmer. Good hygiene. Cons. Has multiple kids by different men. Low earning potential. Possibly still has feelings for X. Uneducated. Clingy. Old. Doesn't want more kids. Has health issues. Oof. Obviously.

Just a big oof for me. Just an editorial oof. Obviously, I never shared this list with Veronica. It was to help me make an informed decision about the long-term potential of our relationship. About a week ago, she said she was going to the store, asked me if I needed anything. I was in the bathroom, so I told her to take a look at my grocery list on my phone, see if there's anything she feels like getting from me. I would appreciate it and pay her back. When she did this, she got curious as to what my other lists had on them and stumbled on my Veronica's pros and cons list. She was devastated. She was

crying too hard to go to the grocery store. Everything was on my list. We had discussions about at some point in the past six months, and we have worked through them. So none of this was a surprise. Man, it must be fun to work through being old. I think it was just the fact that it came straight from the horse's mouth, or fingertips, in a very blunt matter-of-fact fashion. She said it was like having her life's failures and misfortunes

sitting there staring her in the face, and she felt harshly judged by a person that supposedly loves her i understand where she's coming from i'd be pretty hurt if i came across a similar list she'd made about me but again if i saw a list titled my pros and cons on her phone i'd never open it because i'd recognize it's private and i know whatever the cons are probably hurt my feeling i'm gonna give her space to let her process but it's almost been a week and she's hardly spoken to me is there anything i do? How should I go about trying to repair this? Oh boy. I'm very torn on this because one, I think making pros and con lists are helpful.

You know, I, I agree with this dude. Like when you have to make a big decision and you're kind of torn between writing down a logical sort of, uh, honest list of a pro and a con for for the decision i think is very healthy so i do think that if you're going to make these lists about someone you're seeing and you make that decision you gotta get rid of the list yeah because i think like you need to be brutally honest in these lists and brutal honesty is not necessarily what you want to read as the other person. This thing is like, I don't think the things he said, like they're harsh because we're imagining a person being told these things or reading these things about themselves. I don't think that the cons necessarily outside of being old, but what's the age difference uh five years okay so

that one i think i i have reservations i don't remember all of them exactly but none of them really like like low earning potential like that's weird but i guess it depends like it's harsh but at the same time if you're thinking financially about your future the financial burden could be put on you like if they don't have like a career path that seems to be like somewhere that could go somewhere for you to buy a house or invest in your relationship financially it's worth putting on the list again it's i would hate to hear it but at the same time from an objective third party i think is a value like a valid con to put on it and even then it's like old maybe it's in relation to like having kids right because doesn't want more kids right after old yeah or it's just like the fact that i don't know like there are rationales behind these that aren't

stated when you're doing them so bluntly because you don't have to state them because it's in your mind already exactly yeah and apparently they've already talked about these things. That's kind of my point here is if you were just sit harboring all these sort of, you know, quote unquote cons about a person and like, like she said, someone you're supposed to care about, then I think that is where we enter into bad news territory. But if you've had the conversation and discussed finances and sort of like made a plan about these things, or, you know, things that you've clocked as problematic, like if you still think they have feelings for your ex, yeah, that's something you should definitely talk

about with your partner. Yes, you should maybe mention your insecurities or uneasiness about raising another person's child, like, regardless of whether they're valid feelings, depending on how you rationalize it, I don't have anything to say about that because that's not what the question is. But those are all things that you should have conversations about in a relationship that you see yourself spending a long time in. Like, I don't think really any of these apart from maybe has multiple kids by different men. But again, it depends what the rationale is you know because if this person wants kids and then doesn't want more kids is a problem also having to look after other people's kids might be rubbing salt in the wound kind of deal you know i assume they're linked in a way

yeah i'm hoping it's not like kind of like slut shamey yeah and the side of being like oh she let you know a bunch of dudes knock her up like Like, hopefully that's not, but again, like, that's not the question we're dealing with. So there's no point hypotheticalizing. Exactly. So I think like what we've talked about so far is good in that while this is not a fun thing to read, you have recourse because you've discussed them. You have recourse because it was a list not meant for their eyes. And you have recourse because like you obviously chose them.

If it was three months ago that you decide whether or not to be serious and you're still dating, you know? Yeah. So you have to put it down and be like, hey, look, this is a pro con list. You won the pros dwarf the cons because we're still together. Yeah. I think you have to sit them down and understand tell them be like look i totally understand why you are upset the things i wrote were blunt and that's because one they weren't meant for your eyes and two there's no point for

me explaining what i mean to myself you know what i mean i was just putting them down there and yeah i probably could have word them better but like again i know what it really means to me and i know you know you weren't meant to see it i'm sorry for the way it was written i understand fully why it would upset you and i am sorry and then be like look you don't need tact when you're like your internal dialogue doesn't need tact yeah and be like you weren't thinking about that because you obviously think very positively about them you're still dating them you wrote a bunch of very nice things about them. Also remind them of that. And on top of that, you've talked these things through with them since and have obviously moved past them. So they're not even really cons anymore, presumably. Say all these things,

say the fact that you are still with them. You did choose to date them and hopefully that will be enough. But I think you really need to recognize that what they're feeling is valid, but then really point out the ways in which you've kind of proven that the cons aren't that bad by discussing them, by working through them, by choosing this person. And unfortunately, yeah, they were blunt, but it does make sense when you're talking to yourself in private, right? Yeah, absolutely. I think that's the answer.

I'm not going to reiterate it. I agree 100% that you do need to sit down and explain the rationale, explain that you were together, yada, yada. Exactly what Niall just said. That is the way forward. And maybe you do have to pour a little sugar on it too. Maybe pamper them a day. Maybe really take them out and be like, look, I really appreciate you.

Make them dinner. Schedule a really good date night. Get a babysitter one night. Bring them to school. Get them an education. Oh, I forgot the uneducated one. The uneducated one is a bit harsh. Again, if it just means they didn't go to university could mean uneducated and i think you're an idiot it could be factual i think if they'd written dumb that

would be a hard one to step away from because like it's not really a fat it's more a judgment call in a way and it's very belittling whereas like uneducated could be just literally they didn't get an education yeah i could be tied into the low earning potential you know which again not a great thing to hear but if it is factual yeah it's a tough one all you can do is if you want to still be in this relationship do your best to mend that bridge and if it's not mendable that's fine next time delete your fucking list i mean that's also another thing i think is like once you make a pro con list once you make that decision get rid of the list if it's about a person no one needs to see that and it's not like you're going to forget why you chose right like if if you have to constantly go back

to your pro and con list to remember why you decided to stay with someone then i think that should be your answer that the cons won yeah um this is wolf beat my girlfriend watches female porn almost exclusively and i'm starting to fear the worst i know it's pretty far-fetched and all but what do you think uh this is a very regular occurrence if you look at female porn categories like women on women porn is like always up there if not generally the most i believe there was a thing a while ago it was like the highest category of porn watched by women yeah i don't remember but i'm sure the if we went back to our porn hub and review, and when we do it at the end of this year, I'm sure lesbian porn is going to be on the top watched

for women, for sure. Yeah. And why is that? Because a lot of porn caters to the male gaze, which is often super disrespectful or violent or uncomfortable towards women like a lot of the stuff like that they do to women is not great so watching that as a woman probably not the most comforting or arousing thing so yeah there's a lot there that might not resonate with women i mean there's a lot important that doesn't resonate with me like i absolutely cannot stand that 90 of porn these days is either stepbrother or step stepmother like i'm just like i absolutely cannot stand that 90 of porn these days is either stepbrother or step stepmother like i'm just like i don't know why that fucking blew up and why it's still

a thing like if it was like a flash in a pan where you know one year that was the big thing but like for it's just like it's just everywhere it's so fucking weird that pretty much every porn category now is is all stepbrother step stepmother so like for me if i'm gonna sit down and watch some porn and and pleasure myself it's it takes a lot of curating to get like queue up a couple videos that that aren't stepbrother stepsister related because it like it does nothing for me it weirds me out so add into the fact that i am also a man which most of this porn is produced to appeal to and and then you also have to think like the idea of like dominating women and them being subservient and awfully like usually a fairly rough treatment the idea that their pleasure comes secondary it's usually a reward

for the man again as instead of a you know a mutual experience it's you're usually like i made her squirt or i made her come as opposed to like wanting to make her come it's just kind of like a byproduct of being a big big porn porn man. Yeah. Even then it's like them coming is not necessarily the point or the, like, it's all about the dick in a lot of ways. You know what I mean? It's about the male pleasure. And when the women do, it's often in uncomfortable positions, probably unrealistically as well.

It's just, I'm sure as a woman watching, this is just not cool. So I found the thing, 2019, lesbian most popular porn category for female viewers in Pornhub. Yep. It's 151% more popular with women than with men and only 5% of women who were, I don't know where they polled.

I can't find it. But 5% of the people polled who also watched it identify as LGBT. So the large majority of people watching lesbian porn are not apparently ask a couple of your lady friends how many of them watch lesbian porn and i can almost guarantee you it will be most of them and for the reasons we described and also like let's be real women are much more attractive than men when it comes to like the physical, the body, you know, like I don't. That's what you think.

I know. I know. But like, I think that if you polled people, I would be pretty confident that even people who don't who aren't sexually attracted to women would recognize that women are sexier, if that makes sense. I think we've covered enough things that we don't even need to think about that though i think it's just why would you watch something that would demean you and when you're watching porn you're kind of imagining yourself doing these things and being exact it's like why would you watch the things that put you in a shitty position to be disrespected uncomfortably and not care about your pleasure or you could watch yourself being catered to and properly,

because one way or another, even if it's more about one woman than the other's pleasure, there's still a woman being pleasured. Yeah, exactly. And one thing that this article says here, which I thought was interesting, is apparently there's a wider range of body types in lesbian porn than in hetero porn.

So it's not just that like bolted on, fake tits, blonde, you know, like typical porn star. There's a bunch of other stuff. So it's like you feel better watching it because you're not just looking at this very skewed, very fake, very standard kind of like. I would love to know if it's then

fetishized the way that like different body types in heterosexual porn is right because there's like bbw and like if if you're a larger woman that's like that's the point that's why you exist is because you are a larger woman and there it is or it's like if you have a big ass or if you have big natural boobs like completely assume it is like i know gay guys are cutthroat with that shit so it's like why not gay women yeah fair um but i mean like there is also uh categories on most sites that is porn for women

and it is specifically produced where they're not getting you know slapped and throat fucked and tossed around it's like a newer thing though that's only been the last few years really in terms of like prevalence you know like seeing good or like big companies kind of producing that shit with like yeah you know because it used to be uh fuck what was the name of oh there used to be like a big and it was like i like you're saying it was like it was it was the sort of premier and only consistent housing or like production company that made these, this type of porn. And again, I don't want to, I don't want to imply that if you like to be throat fucked and tossed around and choked that you are demeaning yourself or like whatever.

Yeah. If you are, if you are consensually doing that in your sexual life, that's fine that's okay but when we talk about it in porn oftentimes the the consent part of that conversation isn't shown right well yeah i think it's pretty clear that a lot of like standard porn as we see it is catering to the male gaze so what we're saying here is that like we could understand why women wouldn't enjoy things that have not got them in mind whatsoever. Yeah. So like, that's all we're saying. If you like normal porn, that's fine. There's obviously inherent problems with porn, but we're not getting into that.

My point was I wanted to make sure that it didn't sound because I was like, I was I was talking about those things as if they were bad things that you shouldn't do to women. Yes. And I just wanted to clarify that like as a woman you're allowed to like whatever you like and for sure if it happens in porn it doesn't immediately mean that you are betraying no your your identity or whatever so yeah i like the worrying thing about this question is like i fear the worst it's like look yes trust your partner talk to your partner communicate like how are you seeing her porn are you sneaking into her computer and looking it up? Do you like walk in on her every now and then? Or is she open and shows you it?

And like, that's a step you guys take as a couple. Because if that's the case, you could ask her. Be like, hey, what is it about women on women porn that you enjoy? Because you're straight. Or like, whatever. Like, have a fucking conversation about it. Yeah. Like, easy.

But yes, this isn't even approaching strange because it is so common i think fuck it if that's the way things are if they are using you as a beard it's better to find out than not to so just have this fucking conversation be chill which i my worries are high about whether you can be but this is suspicious work for 600 4600 he wants the perks of being my boyfriend but doesn't want to commit i need to understand if i did something wrong by telling my ex-boyfriend that after i 4600. their happiness became his priority and I understood that. However, he attended a birthday gathering of a girl who doesn't like me and once told my boyfriend, now ex, that one day if he's drunk at the club, it's okay for him to cheat on me. She also asked my ex why he hasn't cut me off completely since we broke up. Anyway, I confronted him about attending the party. He tried to play dumb, said he was only there to show the girl's boyfriend his support. Things got heated. We both

realized we were at different points in life and decided to end things. However, we are still sharing our apartment and because of this, he still has access to me. He still needed us to act like a couple so that he gets the boyfriend perks, but I am left in a situation where I can't ask for anything or for him to change his ways because I'm not his girlfriend. Yesterday we were talking about moving. I said I'd be moving soon. He asked why I didn't say we are moving and I said because we agreed we're not moving into the same place. He'd suggested we move into the same apartment building at least. And if I'm being honest, I want my space. This morning, he asked if we should move to Namibia after our business can run itself. And I said,

I'll probably go to Europe. He asked again why I'm not including him in my plans. And I explained the same thing to him. He then asked if I'm staying with him because I want to or because my business situation. And again, I clarified that he was the one who introduced the idea of me finding my own place. Now he's sad, and saying he was naive to think I would still want him in my life. He wants us to be best friends, but wants me to treat him like my boyfriend. He wants me to include him in my plans, tell him everything that happens in my life, sleep with him, and be there for him 24-7. I honestly feel like he wants to keep me close so he has control over what I do and the people I meet. I no longer want to give him access to me.

What he did really hurt me. I'm struggling to move past it i still need time to heal but i feel like he's rushing me i do want us to be friends but on my own terms so i need to understand if i did something wrong i'm so fucking confused yeah i don't like you broke up with him you're not together anymore none of this matters none of what he wants matters the idea of being breaking up with someone being like wait we're not moving in together that's just so fucked like what do you mean and like she also seems just as bewildered and like how does how do we do that it's like you broke up with him you don't have to explain that you like you don't have to tell him what you're doing you know what is access to what just because you're in the same apartment you have to fuck the dude like

what what are we doing here what is happening i don't like i feel like i have to start from like the ground floor of how life works in order to answer this question yeah the one sentence that really gets me is he still needed us to act like a couple so that he gets the boyfriend perks. But I am left in a situation where I can't ask for anything or for him to change his ways because I'm not his girlfriend. What? So he, oh, I need us to still be a couple though, even though we're not. I need the boyfriend perks. Okay, cool.

But you can't ask me anything or have any rights because you're not my girlfriend? What the fuck? I don't understand. understand like i don't understand any of this i don't understand being being like yes we are now broken up and then being like okay but you're also getting boyfriend perks we're also what a boyfriend sex i assume and then like yeah she does mention that wants me to include plans tell him everything that happens sleep with him and be there 24 7 like the is, if you don't want to fucking sleep with this guy, don't. Right. That's, you know, you can break up with someone and sleep with them. Sure.

It's not a great idea usually, but if you want to go do it, great. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. It doesn't matter if you live together. It doesn't matter if you used to date. It doesn't matter that you have a business. It doesn't matter if he needs you to act like a couple. Like, it doesn't matter what the fuck he wants ever, especially not now when you're not dating him. Yeah.

You say you want space. Sure. You need space. Don't include him. Don't tell him these things. Get out of there. Get away from him and start to rebuild your life because this is fucked. Yeah.

Like, anytime I've ever broken up with partners that I lived with, it was always a, like a ticking time of being like, when, when can we get, like, when can I get my life back? Yeah. Of like, when are you moving out? When am I moving out? When are like, when, when does this end? Like I'll be simple with you. Absolutely. Like it's an awful purgatory. Yeah. Like we can, we can coexist by all means. I'm not going to kick you out, whatever. But one of us does have to go because neither of us can move on until that happens yeah like at best it's awkward

at worst it's hellish you know yeah so i like the whole question just doesn't make any sense and i feel like trying to explain being like hi you you don't need to do any of this you're broken up you don't need to you don't even need to do any of this you're broken up you don't need to you don't even need to entertain the conversation yeah you know it's not like you're in a relationship and communication is is the key you're not in a relationship so if he says i i want to know what you're like i'm not going to tell you no thanks and and go away yeah that's the thing like you're beholden to nothing just do what you want to do it's so upsetting and the thing is this person sounds like a piece of shit the guy he sounds very controlling and very like manipulative and it's possible that this person just thinks that this is the way it is

yeah uh this is than a real nobody than a real nobody than a real nobody i feel degraded by the way my boyfriend orgasms every time he, he wants to do it on my tongue and I hate it, so I try to pretend like I like it on my belly or chest so that I don't have to taste it. Now it's basically routine. Every other guy I've been with has came inside me with a condom, so this is new to me and I really don't like it. We have

vaginal sex, but he just takes it out and jerks himself off and asks me where I want it and that's when I have to pretend like it isn't gross. I think maybe he can't come with a condom, so I have no idea how to fix this. Uh, well, that's a myth. He can probably come with a condom, and even if he can't,

it's not your job to supplement that. If you don't like a thing, communicate that and don't do it. So that's the big thing from my point of view in this question. She never says she talked to him and said she didn't. You don't like him coming on your tongue. So you were like, actually, I prefer it on my stomach and chest.

And he's like, okay. And now that's what he does. It sounds to me like, again, I don't know. I'm not going to make any judgment calls on this dude. But if I was like, hey, I like finishing in your mouth. And someone was like, okay. And then after a little bit, they were like, actually, I prefer it on my stomach and chest. I'd be like, all right.

Yeah. If that's what you want to do. And then he does it. And now you're like, I have to pretend I like it. It's like, but you told him you do. Yeah. And you also never told him that you don't like having him finish in your mouth. You just said that you would rather this.

Yeah. So at no point in time have you said hey actually i'm not a big fan of being ejaculated on if we could just finish with the condom you know on or you know whatever you are comfortable with there's that conversation never happened it seems like yeah and hey maybe it did but you never you haven't told us so we have to assume it didn't because that's kind of what people do so have that conversation you need to straight off, and we'll say it every episode until the end of time, you do not have to do anything you do not want to do. Yeah, but you also can't read,

or you can't expect your partner to read your mind. And if you tell them that you want something, and they do it, you can't be upset. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, unless you have told them to the contrary, you can't assume that they would figure it out you know you can't give clues you can't be upset someone holding you to your word so have the conversation and you know it's going to be tougher because it's been going on for a while and your partner might very well feel disgusting for doing a thing to you you

didn't enjoy i think i would i'm sorry i know i would i think you have to approach it as now just mentioned i think you have to approach it in a sense that like you're not blaming him for what he's doing because again as as far as we know this is what you've told him to do or requested him to do and you have made it seem like you do in fact enjoy it so as now said i would also feel really kind of scummy if you were like oh i actually hate this and i was only doing it only doing it because I thought you wanted to. That's not the way to approach this subject. I think the way you should mention it is just be like, hey, so I'm actually not the biggest fan of this. I really like I really wanted to make you happy. And I really want to sort of, you know, we were new and I wasn't confident enough and I was a little insecure to to tell you. But now I feel

comfortable with you and I care about you. I do want our sex life to be rewarding so i do feel obligated to tell you that like this isn't my preferred way of finishing and then provide what you would prefer of being like this is how i would like us to finish and you know maybe keep in mind be like okay i do know he likes it so if something is getting particularly hot and heavy, sexual, sexual, uh, compatibility is, is about compromise and trying to appease your partner and stuff like that. So if you do don't mind getting it on your, your, your belly or your chest. Okay. But if you absolutely don't, don't add it into the compromise just to soften the blow. Yeah. That's the thing. If you don't really mind it it's just an issue of it being the only thing is the problem great you could be like every now and then like we'll do it don't worry i just

don't want it to be all the time if you're just fully against it don't as dane says add it in because then you're gonna make progress he's gonna feel you make progress and you're just gonna keep feeling like shit the more it happens yeah if you guys aren't compatible you're not compatible that's fine if he turns around and he's like no this is the only way it's gonna happen or this is how it has to happen or like it's i'm the man or i can't calm with a con like that's when he's the asshole but up till this point all we know is that he might not have been communicated to properly so have that conversation and hopefully you guys can move forward. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's really, really simple. This is by Evangelion Ice.

Girlfriend called me ugly hot. Now we're not talking. Basically what the title says. My girlfriend made a TikTok about how I'm a nerdy, ugly, hot, semi-blind motherfucker who gives off fuckboy vibes, but is actually a shy good boy and a full-blown golden retriever boyfriend. I'm on the fence about being called something such as ugly hot, and she said I should take it as a compliment, but I'm really hostile towards any words associated with ugly, as I have a history of being bullied for my looks

when I was a child, and somewhat going through puberty and having a decent face now. So I explained I was hurt, and I don't know how I should take it. She's also not good with talking to me directly, slash communicating with words and texts, so now she's just not replying to my messages. Edit. Have to clarify, ugly hot is unconventionally attractive such as adam driver slash pete davidson apparently i was just more sensitive to words and tried to take it the best way i can but i don't exactly feel good being called ugly hot okay yeah this is very similar to the last question of being like just because someone thinks you like something doesn't mean that you do. And that person has to respect that. If you have emotional triggers to being called ugly, anything, regardless of what the intention

is and regardless of whether it is a compliment or not, if you don't like it, that person should stop. Yeah, for sure. Especially if you're like nice enough to explain your. Absolutely. Security about it. Cause that's hard. And if you're saying this to someone and they're like, it's fine though that's shit talk with them about how comfortable

you are with them making tiktoks about you yes i've seen tiktoks like this that are like a trend where it's like oh my golden retriever boyfriend and it's like you don't get to do that kind of stuff without the consent of your partner if your partner wants to be a part of your tiktok great fine if they if they're in on the joke and they you know want to play into the consent of your partner. If your partner wants to be a part of your TikTok, great, fine. If they're in on the joke and they want to play into the sort of meme of golden retriever boyfriend, cool, let them play. But if he's just like playing video games

and you sneak in and grab a video of him so that you can call him ugly hot on your TikTok for follows and likes, that's a pretty shit thing to do. Yeah. You know, like as anyone who creates content i fucking hate calling it that but we all know what it is you gotta be chill about other people in your life can't just use them for your own fucking game right we're careful not to

name drop people who send in questions we're careful to not discuss people like you have to do your due diligence and just be cool so this person isn't being cool and unless you're very much accepting of that maybe talk to them and say that's not okay and again if they're not willing due diligence and just be cool so this person isn't being cool and unless you're very much accepting of that maybe talk to them and say that's not okay and again if they're not willing to do that and if they refuse to understand what they've done maybe don't date this person because they don't seem to give too much of a fuck about you yeah because if this is and i feel like once again this is a sort of a an uneven societal standards of like not giving a shit about how we treat men in the in the social sphere uh and like impersonalize and and and how it's projected on social media because like if i

went and made a tiktok about a woman i was dating and was like she's a butterface but you know golden retriever girlfriend energy i think i'd be fucking lambasted and i should be yes for sure like it's not cool and like like ugly hot isn't nice like ugly is in it unless it's very much a term you like you shouldn't be calling people that and i'm by that i mean they like if they specifically are like hey i'm ugly hot and even then it's like it's kind of like when people say stuff about their family like oh my mom sucks and you're like yeah your mom sucks and they're like hey sometimes you're allowed to say a thing about you, but someone else isn't. So don't be a fucking asshole. Yeah, listen to your partner.

If they say they're uncomfortable terminology and specifically if they're uncomfortable having it broadcasted out to potentially hundreds of thousands of people, listen to them and take the take the video down and be like, sorry, my bad. I wasn't thinking I was just jumping on a trend and didn't didn't think about the ramifications it would have on you my apologies be the bigger person for the girlfriend i kind of understand maybe they did mean it as a compliment but you don't say you should take it as a compliment you say i meant it as a compliment you don't get to choose how they take it you can tell them your intentions and then apologize and rectify from there you know what i mean i think it's it's good to to point out where you were coming from right if this is a common term and like i'm driver pete davidson a lot of people think they're

attractive you can just be like oh i just meant it like this that's fine but it still doesn't mean you can be like oh i meant it's a compliment so fuck what you feel yeah yeah like hey look i was this was actually me bragging about you. I did mean it as sort of a, you know, I, I, I care about you deeply and I'm,

I'm complimenting you. I apologize if it didn't come that way. I will take it down. Yes, absolutely. Do it with grace. Don't do it with defense. And as we've talked about before,

how like how shitty it is to immediately know you're wrong, but double down on it because you're embarrassed. Yeah. Uh. We should do some Tinders. At the end of the episode, we like to hop on to online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge and admit to our federal crimes

and allow the FBI a more enjoyable experience. If you were at January 6th, just send us in your Tinder profile. Your name, your age, your address. We know your political affiliation. Don't worry about that. So we got a few listener ones that are sent in.

This is Liam. Studied chemistry for five years and still trying to find it. Doctor emoji and then a test tube emoji. Damn. That's pretty good. I like that. That's a really good one. Right?

I like it. It's kind of good one. Right? I like it. It's kind of like a humble brag, but very, very smooth. That's what I was going to say. You remember that dude who was like, oh, people make fun of me, how smart I am. This is how you go about being like, hi, I'm smart. I'm a fucking doctor or whatever the fuck you are. And but it's like, it's almost like it's the punch line and not the point of what you're trying to be like being like oh i'm i'm a chemist but i can't find chemistry like you're it's self-appreciated

yeah because the fun and the joke is there but then you're like oh and the fact that you're not making big deal out about it is also more attractive and you're also getting like it's a door opener being like chemistry you can talk about that that's like a pretty unconventional you'll see that a lot so i would be very excited to talk about that or at least be like what the fuck do you do yeah it's also funny and kind of cute yeah no i'm giving this a nine this is very good profile i agree i think it's actually very good good job because when i saw it i was very happy and i told them it was a really good one so i figured i'd bring it on here and i'm glad you said basically exactly what I was saying.

It's also short and sweet. Good job. That's, yeah. You got one? You have a bunch, you said, right? Oh, yeah. You want me to go again? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. So this is, and I don't know, just because the name isn't on it, and I'm sure it was just an edit thing, but I'm going to err on the side of caution in case they don't want their name on i'm gonna say this is agent dice uh drinks total city hippie nerd cycle not an all-around goof i love beer dnd music football and dogs avid concert goer what's your favorite venue in the city puppy's name is leila king friendly 6-1 for those that care right i think that's another i think it's it's kind of bland in terms of it's very run-of-the-mill but it gives me every like as far as dating profiles go it gives me plenty to go on i know your interests i know you give me an opening of being like massey hall my favorite venue in the city yeah i really like that question because i feel like if

that's a thing that means something to you then anyone else you know like i fucking love danforth musical you know what i mean great talk about that and it's like you'll definitely connect to the right people in a strong way that way right yeah and then you can talk about like oh who you saw there you know i mean like for me massey hall is holds a big part because i saw damien rice there and damien rice is a huge musical influence in my life. So I can be like, oh yeah, I saw Damien Rice when he came back from his like seven year hiatus at Massey Hall. And I think that for a music lover is something to get excited about.

And I think, yeah, I think it's a great way to start a conversation about something that will matter to both of you. King Friendly, obviously good. Dropping Your Puppy, obviously good. Dropping your puppy, obviously a good draw. 6-1 for those that care. I like the way it's at the end. You're not hanging a lantern on it, but at the same time, 6-1 is never going to harm your prospect. So that's good. I will say the only thing that really would ping, if I had to be picky, and I like to be picky when it's our audience, is Psychonaut and All-Round

Goof oh yeah it's my least favorite part of the profile I don't really know what a Psychonaut is because all I know is the game Psychonaut which is an incredible video game but I don't know how true to form that is because they do they are children who use doors to go into people's heads and fuck around with their mind. Oh, yeah, that's what he meant. Okay. No, I assume it's like into like psychedelics. Okay.

And like partially I would be worried that it would turn people off. But I guess if that's a big part of your whole deal, then maybe it's good to have it in there. But all around goof, I think that's the kind of thing you can leave to yourself to show. I don't think you need to say it. It's kind of like being like, oh, super funny. It's like it's more of a thing that you get to like experience, right? That's fair. I don't I don't have any strong feelings one way or the other, but I understand your point.

Yeah, it's pretty much the only thing the flag for me on this. I like it. I think it'll do well. I think it's like a solid eight. Yeah, I'm going to give it an eight as well. All right. That's that's the two we got in. Unless you want to keep going one more.

We can do let's do a few more. All right. Do you to give it an eight as well. That's the two we got in. Unless you wanted to keep going with more. Let's do a few more. Alright, do you have any to add? I don't. Alright, that's fine. Okay, here we go. This is Valerie. Donald Duck never wore pants, but whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about? I mean,

she's got a point. Also, ducks are water repellent. He wouldn't be wet. That's true. Like water off a duck's back. Or not. The conspiracy, how deep does it go? How deep does it go? Wet Donald.

Hashtag Wet Donald. Hashtag Wet Donald. I feel like this is kind of a bland-ass profile. Because, one, we've all heard a whole bunch of Winnie the Pooh fucking jokes. And you know, I think it's played out. I think if you make a joke, it's gotta be something new.

I'll sick of your Winnie the Pooh jokes, everyone. I'm fucking sick. Oh, done with it. Absolutely over it. So don't refer to it here. First,

Winnie the Pooh jokes out. We hate them now. So everyone who last week, we told you to have Winnie the pooh jokes in your profiles this week get them out they're done what do you think uh yeah it's one of those things where i'm just like it would be so dependent on how cute the person was yeah but even then it's like then that's a bad profile because that's what we review right if it's so not a thing that you just are basing it on how they look it's a bad profile i'm putting it at

five because that's my like sure it's like down the middle right like it's not good it's not bad it's just it's just five is it could be swayed by the photo one is it doesn't matter how good the photo is exactly profile has trashed it and tan is even if the profile isn't great i might give you a shot just for that or the picture you You know what I mean? Ready for one more, one more. Okay. Well, I also have a funny Tinder opening that someone received and said that they were stumped and amused. All right.

Well, let's finish with that then. I also have bad sex writing. So do you want this as good sex writing or do you want both? Let's do both. Okay. So I'm going to end with someone sent in their favorite Tinder opening of the week.

And you know what? If people want to send them in, I'm down to end with someone sent in their favorite Tinder opening of the week. And you know what? If people want to send them in, I'm down for the positivity. I'm down for the fun. Go for it. Because this is an amusing thing. So a girl messaged him and said, hey there, I want to know what your favorite conspiracy theory is. Mine is that JFK wasn't shot.

His head just did that laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing he was like I'm in love but I don't know how to respond the thing that sucks is I think this I think that move

can only be done by a woman I think if a dude says that to a woman I think I think it would be it would raise some alarms but I think it depends a woman. I think if a dude says that to a woman, I think, I think it would be, it would raise some, some alarms, but I think it depends on the woman. I think, uh,

yeah. With a woman doing that. Oh man, that's good. I like that. I like that a lot. Yeah, that's very good.

Uh, that's going to do it for the show this week. Friends. Thank you very much for hanging out with us, spending an hour of your time. Just chill with us. Listen to us. Talk about ways to make you happier and healthier and sexier.

We love you guys so much. We mentioned the Patreon. Oh. Yeah, no, you go. You go. You do your sales pitch. We mentioned the Patreon earlier. If you're interested, if you want either to help yourself with more episodes

or help us with some monetary support or be the both, head on over. It's at our website if you want to go to that F buddies podcast.com, you can click the Patreon link there. You can click the question form and send us in some questions. You can do what you want over there. It's great. Every single bit of help we get is wonderful and really just helps us keep this going and not,

you know, slide into debt. And we love you guys for it. Also, thank you, Josh Eagle and the harvest cities for the song paper stars. Yes. Best things ready for me. Also, thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities, for their song, Paper Stars. You got some bad sex ready for me? I do.

This is a text chain someone got, and it's just named, My ex, after he found out, I stopped covering myself the way he wanted to. Trust me, if you dressed like a decent woman, I'd have loved you no matter what. But you chose to wear jeans, shirts, and gowns to look good in front of other men. I honestly disgust you now. God bless me he removed a woman like you from my life. I know I'll get the best woman, not a whore like you. I loved you so much.

You didn't value my love. If you did, you'd never wear those clothes and go out looking like a whore. I invested so much time on you, I have no friends now. You detached me from the world. I'm sure you even cuddled your cats too, which I told you not to. I've really disgust you. You're a shitty person. I curse you and your entire family. Your brother didn't

listen to me. He totally just supported you. You are just a material of lust for other people. I don't get it. Why do you have to wear jeans and tops? Why do you want to satisfy other men? You're telling me you don't want to satisfy other men? Makes no sense, because otherwise, why would you wear those? I'm sure when you went to Thailand with your mother, you did nasty stuff there too. I'm sure

you let your filthy cat sleep in your bed, even when I told you not to. Do you change your dress in front of your cats too fucking cheap slut i shouldn't be laughing with you it's like there's like an a and a b plot happening here and the b plot is how much he hates this fucking cat well the best is like the b plot becomes more prevalent so it's like is the what we're the cats the issue the whole time and he's very jealous of these cats which like guys we've we've done some crazy shit on this podcast you know we people scared to wipe in their own butthole in case it changed their like you know sexual orientation but like now we have people who are like you let your cat see you naked you slut what no also what what is she

supposed to be wearing if if not jeans and shirts i think it's more like the style of jeans and shirts you know i don't know hey i'm very glad this woman has this is her ex yeah and you know what i mean like you've dodged a bullet. You're doing fine. Live your best life. Wear your jeans, cuddle your cats, sleep with your cats, change in front of them, do whatever you want. That cat doesn't care.

And neither should you. Yeah. Also block this dude and get far away from him. Cause he does not sound well. My name is Dave. Props to your brother for fully supporting you. My name is now Spain and we've been your fuck buddies.