F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 214 - Boner Suppression

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

Does anyone know if the babysitter from Crazy, Stupid Love gets arrested for literally sending porn to a child?  Topics include controlling your boner with sheer force of will, being sent a screenshot of your own texts, adopting jealousy, spooky spider situations,  stopping the flow of nudes, leaving the shire out of sex, how to stop your absolutely shitty roommates from ruining Netflix and chill.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I am Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations award nominatingly.

Well, by now, that might have changed. It's true. As of this recording, we don't know. But as of this release, podcast awards will have been announced. And maybe Dane will edit in, awkwardly, right now, whether we won or not. On top of that, maybe we should spend this time

jinxing ourselves, but in the best way. You know what I mean? Being like, oh, we're never gonna win. We couldn't possibly. The people we're up against are so good that there's no way. They are good. I should say that sarcastically. Yeah, yeah. I think that's enough. We don't want to overdo it.

But yeah, if we lost, good job to the people that won. If we won, suck it. No. It's been an honor to be nominated with you. I hope we win so that people can see our absolutely awful, horrible acceptance speeches that we recorded. It's like, it's funny. Cause we put a lot of work into the podcast, but like we could have just written even half a script for like a second

instead of glibbing them awkwardly. And like nine times out of 10, I don't think we really thanked anything. Probably not. Like, I'm pretty sure I called out the rock and Doug Ford And Doug Ford for like a fist fight in one of them. Or two of them. I like kind of verbally assaulted my high school math teacher.

Perfect. So yeah, maybe we won't win. Maybe we were going to win. And then someone saw these and were like, we can't. Can't release this tripe. There's absolutely no way these people could win if this is their acceptance speeches. Yeah, I think next year we got to. They'll be like, wait, don't they do this shit for a living?

Kind of. You ready for a question? Mm hmm. This is by 151 Pokemon. Is it OK to have boners while talking to or hugging or playing with a girl that you know? Or should it be suppressed? OK. That's it. Oh, or should it be suppressed okay that's it oh or should it

be suppressed i mean i assume playing he means like playing a game like maybe a sport and not i assume so not so you know like playing with her is it socially acceptable or would it make someone uncomfortable it would probably make most people uncomfortable if you had an erection while talking to them is it socially acceptable also no we we kind of don't love it when people are erect in public again makes people uncomfortable is it gonna happen presumably as a teenage boy yeah or even just any anyone like really like our erection's gonna happen if you're attracted to someone and things happen yeah it's gonna happen that that's the crux of it is like you don't have a choice but that's why it's so weird that the other option is or should it be suppressed you don't get that option and the thing is in the comments someone's like well

if you're able to just not have a boner, like through mental fortitude alone, yeah, that's good. And the question poster is like, I can do that. Oh, wow. Okay. So I was going to say, I don't think that's what he's saying. I think he was saying like, should I just wear it loud and proud or should I do my best to cover it up? But if this man is saying he can just, you know, look at his dick and be like, not today. They said, I can actually suppress my boners and stay flaccid, even in the presence of really attractive girls.

But I can also let it rise if I want to. Now, this changes the entire thing, because it's like, if you're actively generating boners in these situations, don't do it. So, yes, but it also like i am also capable of not getting erections you know like i can also talk to attractive women and not have an erection yes but he's saying he can suppress you know what i mean like not just like oh i cannot have them he's saying i can he has full control of his boner i I guess. But it also seems to imply that if he's not actively working to suppress his boner, that the mere presence of a woman would have him erect. Yeah, either way, it's a whole different ballgame.

So I think we got to answer this in two ways. The normal people way. And unfortunately, no offense, the 151 Pokemon way. Normal people way. Look, I don't think anyone is going to be outside of sexual situations i don't think anyone's going to be really hyper pumped that you are erect even if they find you attractive even if there is like flirtation happening i think just like an erection in a social public situation i think makes people uncomfortable yes you do your

best to hide unless you're being really weird. Like if it's if someone hugs you and notices one, I'm sure they're not going to hold it against you unless you're being weird about it. You know what I mean? I'm sure girls have had this happen. You know what I mean?

Especially younger. And it's like you'll probably be fine if someone notices. But at the same time, it's like you don't want them to notice. They don't want to notice. You do your best to make sure nobody notices.

And that's something we've all done throughout school and going to swimming pools and having a girl sit on your lap at a party etc etc etc you do your best and um if anyone has ever noticed mine they've never been upset or at least have never said anything to you yeah yeah and like look if you're i i think it's pretty easy lord knows i had plenty in high school it's it's not that difficult as long as you're not you know wearing sweatpants and standing up and like you know running around i think it's pretty fucking easy to cross your legs throw a pillow on your lap to you know shift in a way to to keep things whatever it's it's it's not that hard to hide if you're worried about things like hugs do an ass out hug right that's the thing it's like

unless again you're not hiding it whatsoever and it's just ramrod straight out in front of you and even then it's like you don't need to press it up against them in fact that would be weird and if you find that like oh no you've hugged someone and and you're you're hard because their boobs have touched you then yeah give like slightly shittier hugs until you can kind of like get a little bit more control over your hormones and you and you're not that sensitive or or you know easily triggered um and maybe just stay away from loose pants for a while and that's the thing it's like i've been worried about getting a boner while at like the beach or like swimming or whatever, or like a beach, a pool party. Or, you know, when I was younger, if you go to the beach with a bunch of girls, it's like,

well, maybe it'll happen. And I would wear, and it was kind of like a two, a two fold benefit where I would wear like really like tight under like a swim shorts underneath my actual swim shorts, because one, it helps keep it in and less visible and two it means if the other shorts came off then i was fine you know but the other ones i would never wear because it's molded to my dick and you could see every vein and it was just like you can do stuff like this we had like gym uniforms in high school and for whatever reason i don't know what absolute fucking monster and or pervert created these shorts but for like i don't know if they were different for boys and girls because the women's shorts were like super tight on the butt so every woman or like every girl running around

had like essentially like their ass just or the the pants stretched over their ass and for the dudes it was the opposite so that like the seam on the front almost like pulled at the front of you and there it was baggy in the back and it's just like so you've got all these teenage girls and teenage boys with the girls running around with their asses perfectly framed in these gym shorts and all the dudes unfortunately have these you know as if someone's holding like cellophane over their dicks and i'm just like what the hell guys this fucking sucks like what kind of pervert school did you go to it was an absolute nightmare because you know know, oh, it's fitness test day. All the girls are up doing their fucking like squat jumps and their fucking mountain climbers and stuff.

Ass is in the air. And you're just like, my hormones are way too fucking high for this to be happening. Please, please. So I think that that's pretty fair. You know, do what you can do a little hiding. Think in advance of where you're going to be if it's a danger or like you know if a girl sits in your lap at a party and you don't want to all of a sudden you can be like oh i'm gonna go grab another drink or i gotta go to the bathroom or you know there are ways right you can also shift her in positions

right like if especially if you're like kind of on the edge like have her her butt beside you but her legs over you so there's not a full full contact to yeah there's always tricks and ploys now in 151 pokemon's dick magneto position if you can control them don't have them in places you shouldn't have yeah i mean like i think we can all agree that the only real time you should have an erection is during sexy times. Yep. Right? I think that is the only time anyone wants to be present. Yeah. And around an erection.

If you're making out with someone, sure, you can have a boner. Right. Yeah, absolutely. And like from there up to, I don't know, sex and beyond, what's worse than sex? Worse than sex? What's worse than sex? What's the next step, Dane? I don't want to. and beyond. What's worse than sex? Worse than sex? What's worse than sex? What's the next step, Dane? I don't want to.

You know what's funny? It's like I'm so used to trying to not be like offensive or like say things too casually that like I didn't want to say from boner. I'm from making out all the way up to sex and like leave it at that in case someone's like, but what about proto sex proto sex the best part is it seems to be this is this is in seduction and they seem to think that having a boner when maybe they shouldn't is in fact game because they're like i'm just confused should i let it happen or just completely suppress it and stay flaccid like what situation should i let it out

and it's like no one's gonna be like wait that person i have no interest in has a boner hell yeah or unless you've just got an absolute monster dong and the second you get a little hard it's like where'd that third leg come from i feel like that would turn some heads i think that would get a little bit of attention but even then maybe it's so ridiculously big that it looks fake. And then you're that guy who's got a fake boner. And that's weird. Yeah. Yes.

Like I said, I think we do our best to avoid generalizations and blanket statements. But I think most people would agree the only time for an erection is intimate times with someone else. Yes. Who's consenting? Yes. All right. Hit me. Don't you tempt me to go and do all my questions.

This is, I mean, if you want to do it, if you want to clear some of this backlog, let's do a rapid fire. We haven't done a rapid fire in a while. Okay. All right. Let's just fucking do it. Whatever. Yeah. Okay.

This should be a quick one. This is by user crowry girl accidentally sends me screenshot of my own text went on a date with a friend of a friend recently whole thing went great spent eight hours together we literally talked the entire time she told me she had a great time before we said goodbye i text her after to say how much i enjoyed spending the day with her and she responded immediately saying the same and that she'd love to go out me again so everything was going great until the next day she sent me a photo. I opened the text and it was a screenshot of the text I sent her after the date.

She deleted it soon afterwards and I'm not sure if she knows what I saw. I'm not sure what to make of this. I feel like she might be making fun of me by sending my slightly embarrassing vulnerable text to her friends. She texted me afterwards though as if nothing had happened. Should I mention the fact I saw a screenshot or should I let it slide? Should I be worried? She sends it to her friends.

No, I don't think you need to be worried about this. If she's the one saying, let's go out again, then I think you're okay. You know, for all you know, like there's no sign here that she's not into you. It would be different if after the date she was like, you know what? I had a really nice time, but I'm not. I don't I didn't really feel a spark. Sorry. And then she sent this.

Then I'd be like, oh, oh, don't love that. But yes, in the context, I think that she's probably being like, he's so sweet. Yeah, 100 percent. Like, yes, you're right that sometimes screenshots get sent because you're mocking someone. But a lot of time they get sent because you're like, oh how cute this is so you're good yeah i don't think there's any reason to be paranoid or upset about this and like look honesty is the best foundation to build a relationship there's no harm in being like you know i did see you send my my message and like kind of teaser about it for sure gentle ribbing yeah great always a good call

it's for pleasure once you're not weird don't once you're not weird don't be weird yeah don't be like aggressive or like defensive about it just just be like who you're bragging to about me yeah or just even be like in so i did see you sent me a screenshot dot dot dot laughy face yeah and she's like ah so embarrassing you'll be like, no, it's fine. I hope it was for good reasons. And then she'll probably be like, don't worry, it is. There you go. You know, that's a very normal thing to say.

It's almost like, oh, you were talking about me. Only good things, I assume. Or, you know, it's fine. Because honestly, she's probably embarrassed as fuck. So it could be a nice way to. Her bowels evacuated the second she fucking sent that message yeah for sure she pooped her pants there's no doubt she did don't mention that you know that she pooped her pants but she told us and we know and we're telling you yeah like i can see the old like the flip

side of this is you know the same question of being like i accidentally sent the guy i really like a screenshot of our messages and everyone's like there's no way he thinks you're saying bad things about him don't worry but you do so just you know there's no harm in mentioning it obviously if it's too long after the fact it might be weird or you can bring it up in person but like be chill don't do that thing where you're like oh so you sent me the things does it mean you you don't like me were you mocking me you know what i mean like don't lead with misery and weirdness because like no one wants that kind of insecurity you just be like you can mock them gently and like be cool because it's an embarrassing

thing to happen so it's like if you are chill to them they're going to appreciate that and it'll make things better yep all right deleted user my boyfriend accused me of sleeping with my dad I'm 19 boyfriend is 22 is 22. Dad is 36. Ours is adoptive and ours is 12. Adoptive mom passed away two years later, so it's just me and my dad. Even though he's not my biological father, he's been the best dad anyone could ever ask for. He's always been there for me, always looking out for me. I still live at home.

I started dating my boyfriend six months ago, and he'd never get along with my dad. My dad hates him, and my boyfriend hates my dad. Yesterday we were arguing about me not wanting to move in with him. He accused me of sleeping with my dad. I haven't talked to him since. I told my dad about it. He told me I should dump him. But of course, he's very biased,

so I'm looking for outside perspectives, because I have a million thoughts running through my head. Now, she didn't say she didn't sleep with her dad. Damn, that's right. Hold on, I'll message her now. Okay, so first off off right off the bat you say best dad anyone could ever ask for dad doesn't like boyfriend boyfriend accuses you of fucking dad if i were to look at the information provided to me i would say your dad is probably right. Yeah. Without any, any like,

you know, me adding my editorial commentary to this. I think if just looking, if you had problems with the way your dad did things, then I'd be like, Ooh, okay. Okay.

We'll see where, you know, who, who, which one of these people is, is the bad, but like you're on dad's side to begin with and it seems pretty pretty serious about being on dad's side so like i don't know he probably had a very

good gut judgment of this dude probably knows the dude's shit and therefore he's just jealous man the boyfriend of the dad you know like i think we i don't think we've ever gone to a question that's quite this wild but we've done questions where it's like you don't come back from that no because all this says to me is like oh I'm not cool with the fact that you're adopted yeah right like like that that's what I get from this that's all I hear from this dude is that he's so insecure and so like weird about the fact that you're adopted that he thinks that even the person who is your dad biological or otherwise is a threat to him sexually and romantically i wonder if this is the same person that was jealous of those cats because it sounds like it sounds like

it i don't think you can ever come back from that i don't think you could ever forgive him for saying that also you told your dad he said that you can never be in the same room together you can't go to thanksgiving dinner and be like oh this is the guy that thought we're fucking you're you and your daughter you can never be in the same room together yeah you thought your dad didn't like him then yeah even i don't like him now like that's an insane accusation it's fucking offensive to everyone involved it's as dane said kind of mocking the fact that you're adopted it's belittling all the nice things this person's done for you it's diminishing your guy's relationship like every aspect of it is fucked. It's such a, like a shitty way of being like, he's not your real dad.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, it's like slut shamey. It maybe means he doesn't trust you because is he saying you only fucked him before they started dating? I fucking doubt it. And also he's going to throw this accusation at you just cause you won't move

in with him. Fuck this guy. It's, it's such a shit thing to do. Cause like the more I i think about it the more like subtext i'm peeling away from this guy's shitty onion of being like yeah he's he's weird about you being adopted he's straight up being like he's not your real dad so you could fuck him and as you said this is this is his go-to because you're not ready to move in with him. What's he going to start doing when he's ready to get married or wants to have kids or any other life decision that you might not be ready for? Is he going to start throwing around accusations and mentally abusing you and emotionally abusing you to get you to do what he wants?

And if he's going to jump to conclusions with your dad, you think the next time you have a male co-worker or a dude best friend that he's not gonna think you're fucking him don't if you're a home an hour late because the buses suck or something you know what i mean like fuck this guy dump him immediately your cool dad's right there's no coming back from this in so many levels apart from the fact that he's essentially disrespected you in every way by saying that yeah yeah this guy needs to fucking go chill with your dad for a few more years don't pay rent yeah 100 this is it's judith beep word my what is beep word judith fuck it's worse oh no oh no uh my husband bought big plastic spiders for halloween even though he knows i have an extreme fear for spiders yes as the title says and the other day he was joking around

it and made our child bring them to me i'm terrified of spiders honestly i just laughed and stayed out went for a one hour walk i maybe overreacted but i'm so scared of spiders and he knows so i don't know why he would do that or make our child do that. I know it was a joke and the spider is not going to do anything to me. They are plastic, not real, but I've always had this phobia. Not because I think they will bite me. It is just a phobia and irrational. I mean, yeah, that is, that is how phobias work. People are tryptophobic and they're scared of holes. You know, it just there's just something our brain does to us to once again make our lives hard look if you're aware that your partner has a phobia and you actively abuse that

or manipulate manipulate that i think you're a bad part it's one thing if you know something annoys them and every now and then you do it for a little laugh but if it's something that actually like i used to date someone who was deathly afraid of needles yeah and i would literally if i had the inkling that in the next in the show or if i had seen the show or whatever if i like if we're in doctor territory i would just hold her hand let her know that like you know try to give her a heads up be like look away look away if i thought it was know that, like, you know, try to give her a heads up, be like, look away, look away. If I thought it was going to happen, be like, no, you're good. Hey, I'm I'm there with the needle thing. Like, I absolutely hate them.

And my ex's neighbor had a diabetic dog. And when she found out about it, held a needle to my neck at dinner once. Terrible. My neck like thinking about right now. I feel like vomiting sucked it sucked uh it really ugh but i will say you know benefit of the doubt maybe your husband doesn't know quite how bad it is you know because some people like oh i am terrified of spiders like duh don't get a spider near me and like to them a spider is a

spider is scary and they're not going all the way up to like plastic spider will still affect this response and it's hard for people to wrap their heads around just how scary or upsetting something to be for somebody else when to them it's nothing you know so they might not it all depends how many times you've encountered like a spider in the wild that's plastic or in the movie and like i'm saying there's wiggle room because we don't know that they might just not know how far it extends but did they not say that they he did it and then he sent his the kid was it not two things He bought them and then sent the kid over. So he like set up the, like the decorations and then had his child, the child bring one over.

I don't know. I find it hard to believe that you are married to someone and you're not aware how freaked out. And like, again, even if we go with, with your scenario of him being like, Oh,

you hate spiders and movies and you hate spiders in real life. And you know what I mean? Like, there's no way you haven't watched a movie where a spider showed up. There's no way you haven't, if you've lived together, come across a spider. There's no way this guy doesn't know they fucking freak you out. So, again, we can be like, okay,

maybe he misjudged. I don't know how often he does this, but like, if after this hour walk, he doesn't apologize or does it again or keeps thinking it's funny. don't know how often he does this but like if after this hour walk he doesn't apologize or does it again or keeps thinking it's funny yes well that's the thing for me it's it's two different questions right if it's he knows fully that my phobia extends to toy spiders and plastic spiders and whatever and he did this anyway these be shit and that's really bad if he knows you're scared of spiders but doesn't know it extends this

dramatically, because to me, if a friend of mine was scared of spiders, I wouldn't expect him to be scared of a plastic Halloween decoration. I would. If I knew someone had a fear of snakes, I wouldn't be like, here's a

plastic snake! There's also spiders... I feel like it's hard to have a cartoon snake. Yeah, well, there's also spiders. I feel like it's hard to have a cartoon snake, whereas the gamut of spider decorations, because they're a lot more prominent, it runs from cartoony to photorealistic. So, I don't know. For me, being scared of a spider, I get it. I fucking hate cockroaches. If you put a plastic cockroach down, I'd be like, all right. Yeah, right yeah that's fair and again maybe he does know and that in that case he's a dick but i think the way forward is to you lay it down you say look i hope you meant this as a joke i

wasn't a good one and i'm telling you now i am absolutely completely terrified of even plastic spiders spiders in every form. All things spiders. All things spiders. And you definitely, I definitely do not want you getting our kid who won't be able to rationalize this probably for a few years in the habit of bringing things like this to scare me because it isn't funny. And I'm actually very upset by this. And talk to them.

And again, as Dane said, if they don't apologize, if they can't see the reasoning, then you've got a bigger problem here. Yeah. I think we had a question about this recently where like if he thinks it's his like joke. Oh, it was the dick, the dick naming personified. Or even just like the ugly hot. Yeah. It's like if they think that like, I know you're scared, but it's funny when you get scared. So I'm going to keep doing it because it's funny for me.

Like if that's the, it's like, ah, it's such a shit way to be. Don't do that. So lay it down. Don't leave the gray area. You want to know fully that it's not just an innocent mistake or a bad judge joke.

If you let them know the extent to what you feel and he still like doesn't give a fuck, then you know you've got a really bad partner. Whereas if you lay it down, there's no wiggle room. There's no, oh, I didn't really know. He just has to not do it. And I will also say on the flip side, if you're a partner experiencing this as, you know, you have a partner that is scared of something, you don't need to understand it. No, right? Like it doesn't need to make sense to you. If someone comes up to you and he says hey i don't like when you you know talk to me while waving a knife around or i don't like plastic spiders i don't like this it's not your job to be like i understand that you don't need to understand it it's a it's an

irrational fear or a phobia your partner has trusted you with this information if your gut instinct or your like knee-jerk reaction is to then abuse that information and confidence you're bad and it doesn't matter whether or not you get it like you don't need to understand it you just need to listen and consider like take it into consideration well the whole point of a phobia is there is no getting it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So don't be a dick. Lay it out. And if he continues, fucking give him a spider. You need to go full jigsaw and be like, I've heard you like spiders. Would you like to play a game?

Somewhere is the antidote to this spider bite I've just put on you. And then a spider drops on them and it bites them. And the antidote is inside your kid and they have to cut your kid open because he was also complicit in this. These, this is advice. We stand behind. This is our award.

Possibly a winning. Wait, hold on. I got it. I got a call. Oh fuck. They took the award that we may have possibly won away. Damn it.

Hold on. Hold on. They, we, so wait, you're saying we can have possibly won away. Damn it. Hold on, hold on. So wait, you're saying we can't tell people to get their spouses to cut open their kids for spider bite poisons? If I can't tell people to cut their kids open because that's where the anti-venom for the poison that you just injected your husband with on our sex and dating advice show, I don't want to do it anymore. Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, they said, oh, said oh sorry miss harrod we got a second award there was a secret category for this exact scenario thanks canadian podcast awards oh i probably shouldn't say their names hey they know by now uh ready for kind presentation yes

she 26 year old female keeps sending unsolicited nudes. And I, male 24, don't know how to have her stop without being rude or having to block her. Our two respective friend groups occasionally hang out on weekends, and one night we did, the two of us hooked up. We did know each other previously, but more so as acquaintances. It only happened once, and we hadn't had any other contact since then until about a week later. She texted me asking if I wanted to date. I responded, sorry, I'm not interested in dating at the moment. She said, okay, no problem, your only two options, dude. are to say something like, please leave me alone or to outright block her. Any advice how to navigate this? I mean, those aren't your only two options, dude.

He's completely right. Please leave me alone. I love when people like make things so much harder than they should be. Like all you have to do is like, hey, not that I have anything against your nudes because they are nice to look at. I do have to ask you to stop sending them.

I don't want them. Thank you very much. You know, send it to someone who might be more interested. Like, you know, you don't have to be like, leave me alone, please. And I honestly, I don't think there really is a good way to be like, I don't want to see you naked. Yeah. Yeah.

There are ways to go around like, hey, you know, i'm not really comfortable with unsolicited news on my phone you could always say something about like work or that you're around family or kids or that you're worried about cyber security you could always just be like look i'm not comfortable having things like this sent to my phone in case there's a leak or in case a member of my family sees it or like i use my phone with my young cousin and i don't want to have them on here sorry you could always do it like that maybe the problem with that is you're kind of skirting the issue that you don't want them you know yeah you're just getting hard copies in the mail exactly um now the thing is how many questions have we gotten where someone has sent nudes and they're pissed because someone's just responded with thumbs up yeah i think you can emoji your way out of this. Or. Right?

Like, imagine you're trying to woo this guy. Because there's no way she didn't send this trying to win him back, right? She's not like, oh, you know what? I just said you don't want to date. You don't want to go on a date with me. I'm going to add you to my mailing list of nudes. Because I'm just cool like that. Imagine this.

She sends you a nude. And you just send her back the sunglasses emoji. Or the gif of the kid with the mullet sitting at a computer being like, nice. You know, he gives like the thumbs up nodding. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's like an 80s. Yeah, I could probably imagine it. What do you think would be the worst emoji?

I feel like maybe like a South Park cool emoji or something. You're thinking gifs, dude. Gifs. Yes, yes, yes. I'm thinking gifs. yes i'm saying emoji bro emoji um maybe the shrug the shrug shrug emoji is shrug emoji is powerful that's mean though um let me let me go through what about just robot arm flex that one's always confusing to me or the there seems on my phone there seems to be an emoji where they're like kind of disappearing into bushes are you thinking of gifts again because that's no no no no no let me let me send it to you it's like he looks like he's hiding in a cloud but like oh yeah there's a cloud one see the cloud one almost looks like you're being coy like you're peeping true what about like the teeth

when we were like oh yeah yeah yeah or like the like rolling your eyes one you can always do vomit but that's just mean yeah the vomit one is mean maybe the one with like the the like groucho marks like the the fake glasses and mustache one i like that i like that because that's because like that's not at all sexy no i would also wonder that there's like a coy like oh i'm spying on you from my disguise yeah maybe what if he just sent a sad face what just a sad face oh i. Oh, I thought you meant, why did I send you? Because I sent you that emoji. No, imagine you just did, just like.

Or the, you know, the like increasingly more distressed like scream. It's like a, like eyes closed, mouth open a little bit. And then like eyes closed, mouth really open. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. They just get, yeah, they just get yeah they get increasingly more like unhappy yeah so you start with the you start with like the neutral face like just the flat line neutral face with the like oh okay but like the open mouth like the

the o face it looks like oh yeah no no i'm talking about the one with like just the flat line and then you go to the sad face. And then you go to the deeper, the more capital U sad face. And then you just keep going all the way up to crying? Yeah. And then dead. Why don't you just send them a ghost emoji? Ooh, spooky.

Or send them a policeman. Get them really thinking about what they're doing. You know? Honestly, I think the shrug. I think just like, huh? I think the shrug is cruel, I think. I think sunglasses are thumbs up, honestly. Keep it simple.

I think thumbs up because you're not being offensive, but you are being annoying. Hey, let me tell you. Every time you send me the thumbs up, it triggers me. That's all I do. I know. That's all I do. That's why I've adopted it. You see, I love it when I get it. So, yeah i know that's all i do that's why i've adopted it you see i love it when i get it so but yeah i think you gotta i think you gotta do that love those thumbs love

those blue guys i love when you thumb me i think that like honestly if you thumbs up it'll probably piss her off because it does say i like this but it also is like i'm giving you nothing and like i'm so passive yeah so it's like you're almost like using'm giving you nothing. And like, I'm so passive. Yeah. So it's like, you're almost like using her. Like, you know, you're like, cool. These are mine. You're getting nothing back. I think the problem is, is they've, they've said nothing and they've continued to receive

news. Now, now they're showing like any reaction at this point is a step in the right direction because now they're responding. Especially because if they're like desperately trying to solve this nude puzzle, they're going to be like, okay, that angle didn't work. Okay.

This didn't work. So if they send a fourth nude and it's like, I don't know, a leopard print bra pulled down and you thumbs up at them. Like, okay, he's into animal prints. Then the zebra comes,

then the fucking everything else. Then the zebra comes. Then the fucking everything else. So badger print. You also really goofed it by saying you don't want to date because you could have easily been like, oh, I'm kind of seeing someone right now. Like I started just seeing someone. Yeah, that was where I was going to go first, because like you'd be like, oh, it's really uncomfortable if the person I'm seeing sees these nudes. Yeah, you can also just be like, you know, I'm just like oh it's it's really uncomfortable if the person i'm seeing sees these nudes yeah you can also just be like you know i'm just seeing where it's going so i i would like you know if we could just cool out of the nudes very much appreciated but i feel like it's in bad form for me to be receiving them thank you very much but because you're like i don't want to date

send her back a picture message of a different person almost like a snap a snapchat thing where it's just a picture of someone who's not you and they say nice nice baps and they're like who's this person who's this and then they're like shit i texted the wrong number keep buying cameos from really obscure celebrities to yes respond to say nice baps nice baps brah i want to talk about this because i i just thought about it when i said you you know, mailing the nudes. Do you remember? Have you seen Crazy Stupid Love?

Ryan Gosling? Emma Stone? No. Never mind, we'll talk about it. Does he mail his nudes? So at the end of the movie, there's like the young son has a crush on the babysitter. And he's like, he's like, I like i don't know like 14 maybe and she's an adult i think like 19 and she sends him at the end of the movie she's like well

talk to me when you're in college and then he gets an envelope filled with her nudes i'm like you just gave naked pictures to a child yeah movies are real weird it's also like can you imagine like that flipped it wouldn't even have made it anywhere near anybody's ask it would have been like cool jail for you jail for the screenwriter it's just zach efron or ryan gosling being like hey come find me when you're 19 anyway here's some polaroids of my dick 14 year old girl yeah like jail jail for everyone involved. It's so bizarre that they're like, man, it's fine. It's a very, very powerful move.

And it's I think about it a lot because I'm like, how did that? How did no one say, hey, this is weird. Well, like in waiting, the giant plot is just Ryan Reynolds trying to hook up with underage girls. Is it? It's his whole character arc isnolds trying to hook up with underage girls is it it's his whole character arc is that he just only sleeps with underage girls well hey in one of the transformers movies the the dude literally pulls out the law from texas which says he's allowed to sleep with underage women yeah no it's it's all sorts of fucked up and whoever's writing these things needs to be investigated the thing that makes me really mad is if I was Mark

Wahlberg and I got that script, I would immediately turn to Michael Bay and be like, hey, what the fuck is this? I'm Mark Wahlberg and you think I'm gonna stand there and let this idiot tell me he can fuck my underage daughter? I'm Mark Wahlberg.

I'd kill the man. I'll beat him to death he's got like a bag full of stones on him at all time he'll throw it at them yeah i don't know if he was the celebrity that did that either way people what are you doing stop it specifically screenwriters what are you doing stop please uh you ready yeah speaking of things you can't stop thinking about uh this is by hobbit sex throwaway my 27 year old female boyfriend 32 year old male only wants to have sex when we're dressed as hobbits from lord of the rings boyfriend is a lord of the rings super fan and loves to cosplay personally i prefer the hobbit trilogy but this is not relevant this person's an idiot yeah i love

my friend and enjoy hanging out with him we get along great we've been dating for 21 days we've known each other for a few years now the cause for me to post here began when we became sexually active when we have sex my boyfriend loves to participate in foreplay recently this foreplay has involved around the lord of the rings hobbits he plays the part of frodo i play samwise hell yeah this was fun for us at first and i hadn't had sex and cosplay before however it got boring for me fairly quickly probably because she has to carry him up a mountain before they get going uh my boyfriend insists it's the ultimate way to have sex as it aligns with both of our interests i tolerated this for a while and it didn't seem to affect the sex itself only the foreplay however this would

change my boyfriend insists on me calling him frodo when we do the deed he keeps calling me his precious little gardener even beyond the bedroom he also now says he wants to drop the ring into mordor when he wants to have sex i will not use anything else to refer to sex i'm so turned on i've objected to things before such as when he wanted to listen to lord the ring's soundtrack while we had sex what of course that's the only thing i'm on board with right now yeah for sure as well as not wanting to listen to this one indie band he likes is it is it hudson mohawk at first i was like is that the name of because i'm pretty sure doesn't elijah would have a band yeah maybe he has respected my objection to these circumstances and hasn't done since. I need advice here to ask him if we could stop the Hobbit sex or come to some sort of compromise.

I'm not sure what to say, and I still want to date him as he is very nice. However, I worry this may be taking things a bit too far. I mean, didn't you literally just say you asked him not to do certain things? And he was like, okay. Mm-hmm. Why not just do that again? Dang, come on. we're not real fucking solutions here like like am i am i thinking too outside the box here to just be like hey

because like look this dude this is probably wanted to do this for so fucking long his dick is so hard for this and he's finally found someone who's down for it he's probably so elevated beyond like so alpha like reality you know what i mean like he's probably not paying attention to the the subtext of you not really being into it which sucks but like you know when you have such a specific kink or desire for it to finally line up with someone you're attracted to someone who's into the same things as you and someone who's willing to do it like that's that's an unlikely scenario so like it's it's easy for us to understand that he is kind of looking past the the pragmatic nature of actually fucking so yes i think what you need to do is just send me on be like hey it was fun but i wouldn't mind having some more you sex, some outside of the Shire sex.

Oh, don't tell him you want to leave the Shire. That's how it all started. Now, the thing is, you're right. You're in Middle-earth. He's in Valinor right now. You know what I mean? He's crossed the sea. He's feeling good.

It's been 21 days, firstly. Secondly, you said you've known each other for years thirdly as dane very astutely pointed out you've talked to things and he's been really cool about not doing it so like talk to him at no point in any relationship are you fucking forced to do what they want or have sex you don't want or have sex you don't enjoy or participate in things you don't want. These are all things you are very, very, very, very understandably able to back out of or edit or work with. So just talk to him. And he seems to be aware of this. Yeah. So talk to him. Don't do the things you don't want to do. And if you're still not that adverse to it, you said it was fun. fun it's gonna be fun if you do it

occasionally he'll be probably very happy with that all great if you had fun the first time i think it would be even more fun to do it every now and then especially if there's a day like if you know he's had a hard day and you're feeling kind of frisky throw on your fucking hobbit outfit throw those big hairy feet on crouch outside the window and he could be like were you dropping eve, Samwise? I wasn't dropping no Eve, sir, but I did hear what you said. Potato. Boil him, mash him, stick him in the stew.

Boil him, mash him, stick him right in you. Have you seen the interview that's going around of Dominic Moyahan asking Elijah Wood if he wears wigs? Yeah, it's so good. Have you seen the one where he's talking about the dolphin from Flipper? No, i've just seen the one that's like auto-tuned to like a song yeah it's like um so there's another one where he's talking about flipper and he's like the the dolphin has died and he's like what he's like yes the dolphin's dead he's like what why what do you mean no the dolphin's not he's like it. Died in a car crash.

Just so good. I like. They seem like good dudes because they were at Fan Expo where we were at. We're at the same level as each other, obviously. Peers, comrades in the entertainment sphere. But apparently the Hobbits all went across the road and got some coffee.

And we're very nice to all the staff there. And everyone has positive reviews. So there we go. Love it. You want one more before we head into Tinder town? Fuck it, yeah. This is posted by FluidMathematician42. When having a date in your apartment shared with other flatmates, how can you have Netflix and chill? I'm renting a room in an apartment with three other people, one couple and another girl.

There is a living room. But the problem is there is always someone walking there, so I can't Netflix and chill there. The only place available is my room. With this kind of date, I usually cook something, talk with her, and when it's moment, I just start making out in the living room on the sofa. Now this is my date at home. Now I got some problems. One, flatmates walking around the common areas, mostly the couple. Two, couple is pretty dirty, so the kitchen is always full of shit they cook, and the sink is full of plates, etc. It's not pleasant for a guest, and I think a red flag.

Three, they always watch TV in the evening. The couple is so toxic. Have no friends. Boring lives. Always watching TV or some dumb things on their phones. Don't even have sex. For now, I'm a student, so my parents help me economically. I'll have my own place maybe in three four years when i finish my university um okay this is these are all very easily solved things maybe being harsh on your roommates i don't know maybe they

do suck this boring ass couple that watch dumb shit on their phone and don't even fuck i mean to be fair they might suck you know we all know roommates could suck so whatever do the dishes like i understand if it's their dishes you don't want to set precedent that you're going to clean up after them totally get it but if you have a date coming over tell your fat like tell your roommates be like hey i have a i have a date is it cool that we make dinner and have dinner and then if they're watching TV in the living room, that's a perfect opportunity to be like, Hey,

uh, do you want to watch a movie? We can go back to my room and watch a movie. I love, I love that. He's like, Oh, we can't use the living room.

All we have is my room. That's the best. That's literally the best. That's what you want. Because otherwise you have to be like, shit, we're in the living room. Now we have to like transition to the bed. You know, is perfect because it's awkward if you're like oh we can go

watch something in my room and they're like oh there's a big couch right there and you're like damn it always take them to your room that's where the magic happens and yeah ding's completely right talk to the couple and be like oh i have someone coming over we're gonna cook dinner do you mind like just like taking care of your dishes and be chill no one likes to be told to do their shit hopefully they're cool roommates and you guys can do it in a positive way but like worst case just do them yourself and it's like unless you're having a date every night it'll suck but it won't be the biggest deal and yeah do it like pop out your laptop in your bedroom and that's great so easy so easy but you you've solved the problem before it was a problem the problem is in fact the solution and this shitty couple oh fucking i'm done with them

is what i'll say they always they're like i can't tell you enough how much they're watching stupid shit on their phone all the time i really want to know like what it is what do they watch stupid shit i'm sure that's it that's us that is us at the end of the episode we like to hop on to online dating platforms such as tinder bumble hinge peruse the profile see what works see what doesn't work in effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable now all i need to do is trent is my lodestone i just find him and i know. Y'all don't know Trent unless you're part of the Patreon. Oh yeah, I will say if you're not part of our Patreon, we did debut, I think two of the best profiles ever, but especially one. And if that won't make you join, I don't know what will, but Trent is glorious.

Ready for Sheena? Yeah. Queen emoji, unicorn emoji, weightlifting emoji, silly face emoji, angel emoji, party emoji, sushi emoji, cake emoji, donut emoji. I don't drink alcohol or caffeine, like hands raised emoji. I'm naturally crazy enough, hand raised, like a person putting their hand up like they're in class emoji. It's not hard to read, so don't ask, person with two hands up in the air emoji. It's not hard to read, so don't ask, person with two hands up in the air emoji. I need a farm of animals. Who wants to build the farm for me? Another fuckton of emojis. My five foot self will make you feel tall, party emoji. I do not use Snapchat or Instagram, so do not ask me, upset emoji. Also, a walk is not a date. I not a dog a shit ton of other upset emojis please just leave me alone if you don't have good intentions or if you're going to be disrespectful help me delete

this app weird face emoji i feel like i've seen this before the dog part but that might be a common thing that might be i think it's it's a thing on uh female dating strategies that seduction ass website that we should delve into more because it's hella toxic where they're like a walk is not date i'm not a dog it's like their mantra cool um i'm gonna give this a two yeah you're offering nothing here the only thing they really give is like that they want a farm full of animals and ask someone else to build it for them and it's like that's it that's the only thing you give me apart from the fact that you're five foot don't drink and hate social media and walking like that's not that's not exciting and also the sheer

amount of emojis here i hate i didn't like listening to it so i can only imagine looking at it is even worse oh i didn't realize't realize. Oh, okay, sorry. There's more. On their pictures, there's text over their pictures as well. I love that. There's a picture of them sitting on a park bench, and it says, If you do not actually want to date, please leave me alone.

I refuse to be part of your dopamine response to receiving likes on this app. And another picture of them at a bar with a drink in their hand that says i do not drink so stop asking me to drink drinks is not a date i like food if i go to a bar i order sour gummy worms laughing face what what does that mean this is almost as bad as lemonade uh i'm gonna give it a one honestly i'm giving it a 2 because I like to save my 1 for the ones that I like. This is just a bad profile, and you don't seem like a whole lot of fun,

but you don't seem to be attacking any groups of people. Yeah, I'm willing to give those groups a 0, so I'm good with giving this a 1. This is Anne. Hey there. I recently came to Toronto. I would love to see the city through your eyes european five two not so tall but can be a cutie it's six it's perfectly serviceable maybe a seven because it's like positive and like you know i'd like to see the

city through your eyes great cutie great that's a that is a huge green flag for me someone's saying they want to see the city through your eyes, that's one of my favorite things to do. I love when I, like I have places that I love to take dates because there are places that, you know, maybe not everyone knows about. And I love when my date's like, hey, want to go to my local? Like, yes, I would love to go to your local

because chances are there's no reason i would ever go in here so yeah let's check it out i want to see i want to see the vibe let's go so yeah seven for me yeah i'm gonna give seven as well uh this mckenzie there's a lot of fish in the sea but i'm like nemo the one you're looking for and a total clown okay uh i'm gonna give it a i'm gonna give a six it's it's not offensive but again it doesn't really do much for me to give it a six. It's not offensive, but again, it doesn't really do much for me. I give it a seven. It's funny. It's original-ish.

This is Megan. Somewhere between 5'5 and 5'6. It's not attractive, but I can fit my full fist in my mouth. I'm really just looking for some new golf buddies because I know my friends are sick of me wanting to go every weekend. Although golf season is drawing to an end. Too old for a hookup and too busy for crazy to an end too old for a hookup and too busy for crazy okay hmm too old for a hookup is weird to me she's also 29 oh then yes jesus

i i like i i love this weird thing or like hooking up with people i don't understand like i don't think you could ever grow out of it because it's not like i don't know i feel like it's you know if you're like oh i'm an age where i need a husband, like you're just going to make bad decisions because you're putting the position ahead of the person. And I think being like, oh, I'm too, too old for a hookup is the same kind of thing where it's like, if you meet someone you want to hook up with and it would be great to hook up with them, that's not going to get in the way of you having a relationship. So why are you trying to make it like a time thing? I feel like it's just, it's a very immature mindset. Yeah, I agree i agree i i think look anytime you declare you're not here for a hookup

i just like like well then then just don't hook up with people yeah right like there it is and i feel like if you can't discern like like someone who wants to to just hang out with you and fuck you it's gonna see that and just be like okay cool i'll just play it cooler and then we can hook up and then i'll then i'll ghost you like right like if someone is that malicious in their intent to fuck you and leave they're gonna they're gonna find a way around it right like it's not difficult to pretend to be interested in you until you guys have sex and then fuck off the person you're probably trying to avoid is the kind of person that doesn't give a shit about that right yeah exactly that's what i think i i don't think not like not here for a hookup i don't think

discourages anyone except for people who are probably like oh you don't sound like any fun or okay well like this you sound like you're going to try to like pigeonhole me yeah yeah it's like i don't want that so no you don't sound like the kind of person who's going to take it slow and let things progress yeah you sound like you want a marriage immediately which isn't a good way to do things uh golf thing i think would be really cool if you wanted to go golfing obviously you're very serious about it which i wouldn't be so probably wouldn't be the best fit there um but otherwise it's like it's it's okay it's fine i'll give it like a six here's my thing why talk about being able to fit your whole fist

in your mouth? Yeah, if you don't want to hook up. And then be like, not here for hookups. It's like, okay, well, like, maybe you're so disconnected from what you think men are thinking about when you say you can fit your whole fist in your mouth. But like, yeah, it seems

like a weird thing to include because either that's the only interesting thing about you or you are trying to make it sexual while then also being like no hiccups i don't want sex okay so i'm giving this a three three okay i'm gonna downgrade it to a five but i don't think it was that offensive i just think it's there uh this is shirley learn like a tree blossom in spring bear fruit and fall again the the metaphor like poetry profiles do nothing for me and i think at this point in time they're now becoming red flags because you are so i think we talked about it before where it's like no one is here to be inspired right like no one if if i see this i i i would assume it's a bot like there's no way this is a real person yeah it probably is maybe i don't know like obviously i'm not on dating apps right

now but like were i to pick one up tomorrow and see this i wouldn't even give him a chance because in my mind there's no way this is not a bot and this one isn't even funny yeah that's what like you know like it's becoming a red flag for me because i'm like you're so disconnected and i know if if this is the persona you're putting out as your first foot i imagine a conversation with you is going to be fucking mind-numbing i assume it's going to be all big you know grand gestures and you know prosy poetry and like i don't want that i want to actually talk to someone like a like a human being as opposed to being like, life is a great romance. It's like, fuck off. It can be, but not like this.

Let's meet first. Let's have a drink. I want someone to tell me to be love yourself. I don't want someone to tell me this. Well, we'll finish up with doll. Doll is 29. They work at future trophy wife at yours. Oh, sorry.

The job position is future trophy wife at yours. Oh, sorry. The job position is future trophy wife at yours. Bow emoji, flower emoji, heart emoji, all pink. Just a little bimbo looking for her daddy to protect and provide. Must love plastic. And then another heart, flower and bow, all pink. Have more photos, but Tinder hates half naked, tastefully covered PG-13 bodies. You know, again, not for me but for what they are looking for i think it is a serviceable profile i'm gonna say it's a five

i will give it a six purely because of what you say it's like they're not looking for they're looking for somebody very specific and for that person that's probably all you need to provide and i'm assuming the muscle of plastic plastic is implications that they have augmented themselves through surgery. I would assume so, yes. Right? So, like, I think that is, look, you're being upfront with what you're looking for. You are not, you know, trying to pull a fast one over any sort of body modifications you have. So, yeah, it's a profile that is going to work for the

people it's going to work for yeah would i swipe no yeah no and like but for me i i think it still is like i don't think it's a good profile even though it does what it needs to do that's why i'm putting it at fives because there's still really no personality like well you can still be for a daddy if the people like it seems they want a very surface level like i am hot you will pay you know like it it feels like even in that lack of information i think that gives you information because this clearly wants to be transactional right future trophy wife they don't yeah it doesn't need to be deep right fair enough Fair enough. Not great, but for what it wants, probably

good enough. Yep. That's going to do it friends for this episode. Thank you very much for hanging out with us. We appreciate you. We love you. We did mention it very briefly, but we have a Patreon. You can head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com click the Patreon link and you get access to a priority

question queue if you want to get your question on the show asap uh and more importantly the mid-tier seven dollars a month you get access to pillow talk yeah what's what is pillow talk oh no you tell me okay uh pillow talk is our monthly episode kind of everything that you love and enjoy from what we do but you know what we take it a it a little step further. Get a little loosier. Get a little goosier. We have a lot of fun there.

As previously stated, we have just the best profile ever. And you just came through some fucking tinders. So when we gave this a resounding 10, that should mean something to you. On top of that, at this point, we have, what, 14 episodes? 15 episodes. 15. 15 15 that's a shit ton of episodes so over a quarter of a year worth of episodes if it was a normal show if you were to go over and support us at any level we would fucking love you so much because you help us do the show this shit ain't free we pay for the website we pay for the hosting uh microphones

time effort editing software, everything. You know what I mean? It all adds up and it's all constant. And it does mean we get to do fun stuff like provide free condoms here at Fan Expo. And hopefully continue to grow and expand the show. And we really, really, really, really appreciate everyone who is on there and helps us out. I also do want to do a little shout out to agent ashes. Someone sent us a incredible message during the weekend and it made both of

our days. And we really, really appreciate that. And you're a fucking legend. Just want to say that. I was having a very mediocre day at work and it brightened my whole evening up. It was incredible.

Yeah. So thank you very much. We appreciate you. And I think it is time to thank Josh Eagle and the Harvesties for their song Paper Stars and take you to some bad sex writing. Let's do it. This is going to be brief.

And I don't have a source. I found myself wondering if my ovaries have made a decision for me. They sometimes jiggle when I'm around a man I fancy. Some people get butterflies in their tummies. I have jiggling ovaries. Nope, you don't. You don't.

They don't do that. How dare you speak for women? And hey, if they do, go to a doctor immediately. Again, you're right. I'm not a woman. Any women with jiggling ovaries come right in right now. I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure that ovaries shouldn't be jiggling around.

They shouldn't be. Do go see a doctor. Yeah, please. My name is Dan Miller. And I'm Miles Bain. We've been your fuck buddies.