F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 215 - The Award Winning Episode

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

We won a gosh dang Canadian Podcast Award, so I'm not going to write a description today because I'm drunk on power!

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. We are an award winning sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations award winningly.

Simply put, we're an award winning podcast that finds questions either online or from our wonderful listeners. We answer them right here in award-winning fashion. Now, as a recent Canadian Podcast Award winner, I would just like to say it's great to have you here. It is. And I'm sorry we're gushing a little bit, but this is pretty fucking cool. And I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you very much to everyone who voted for us, everyone who supported us. We're over the moon. We really appreciate it.

It's nice to be recognized. And we don't do it for the recognition. But it's a hell of a bonus. I do now, though. I've got a taste of it. I've got a little nibble. And now Daddy needs the juice. Daddy needs... Fully ready to sell out right now.

More. More awards. More recognition. More fame. I just need it all. I need to bask in it. 100%. Have you become insufferable as I have? So I haven't left my house because my ankle is fucked. I don't know if I mentioned this much on the podcast, but I found out today I might have been walking around the last five weeks on a broken ankle.

So that's fucking great. So no, I have not been. I've been insufferable in other ways to my partner. Maybe. I mean, you can be insufferable online. You can. In fact,

I know that you can. I know that is an absolute possibility for you. Me specifically. No, no, no, I don't think, no,

not really. Have you? Oh, Oh God. Yes. Every chance I get every every any time I can make a morsel or a meal

out of the morsel I will I will do it and it's been even worse at work at work I am I wouldn't want to work with me anymore yeah except I would because why wouldn't you want to work with someone who's a Canadian podcast winning close I think we should get to this award winning advice don't you want to work with someone who's a Canadian podcast winning? You're close. I think we should get to this award-winning advice, don't you?

I agree. Let's go. What are you feeling? We softball it so we seem real smart? Yeah, yeah. For the new listeners, let's make it seem like we're real good. Because, hey, we are really good. This is my throwaway last name, too.

Would I be wrong to ask my wife to play a Stepford wife for a business dinner? Okay, the wife, 36-year-old female, and I, 36-year-old male, are going to dinner with my bosses and their wives at a fancy restaurant in the city. During this dinner, business and personal lines will blur, and I want to make sure we won't ruffle any feathers in upper management. I met my wife nine years ago, and she is currently pregnant with our first child. Pregnancy has been rough in our relationship, but that's a different story. She has breezed through pregnancy physically and still maintains a normal routine at eight months. When it matters, she was fiery, would always fight for what is right and point out wrongs no matter what it meant for her personally. We've lost friends over the years

because she's made a stand against something she thought was wrong and not back down. It's one of the reasons I love her and would never want her to change. Last week, she was standing behind me and noticed on my emails we'd been invited to a restaurant dinner with my company's upper management. She indicated she wanted to go and is excited that this would be the first time she would go to a formal dinner with the managers at my company. Note, she has met a few co-workers at mingle events and Christmas parties. Now, the problem is, our managers are old, misogynistic, rude, crass, and blunt. For example, our CEO believes that men are better at engineering than women, and when I first arrived at the company, it was all men except admin positions. So over the last two years, I've slowly been changing the company culture from within,

making more diverse hiring decisions and starting internal programs. One change I made was traineeships were only sourced from a private boys' school, CEOs old school, and now we source from a public school down the road. Women in engineering is one of my passion products. I could have walked away from the job, but I took it to make a positive impact. Management won't accept a full 180 straight away, but incremental small changes are flying under the radar. I see it as a game that needs to be played subtly, not to rock the boat too much.

I often talk to my wife about my job, and we talk endlessly about making a better workplace, and it is slowly getting there. My wife's the opposite of me, and I know when she gets to the room with these managers, she won't take any shit from them and will point out their behavior, will behave unacceptably in their eyes and upset them. She shouldn't have to take that or be subjected to it, but I don't need to rock the boat and jeopardize not only our income stream, but also the positive changes I can and have made at the company. I want to sit her down and ask her to basically play a step for her wife, which is everything she does not stand for. I can't say

I'm going to enjoy it either. I'm also going to offer her the chance to pull out as well, we can just say the pregnancy on the day is causing some nausea or something. It's a hard conversation to have. So I'm asking her to bottle up her core beliefs and personality, any advice on how to start this conversation as well as how to phrase it. I don't want to lie and say we can't make it as this issue is going to come up again as I move into upper management. Okay. I understand.

So I think you're immediately your approach is bad in terms of asking her to play a step for wife. Because what you're asking her to do is swallow her core beliefs, as you said, and play a part which doesn't seem like you even want either, right? It seems antithesis to what your end goal is. So I think that play is a bad one. And I think putting that on the table is going to end in a fight. And I think rightfully so. I think asking your wife or any woman to be a docile,

demure, better seen, not heard situation, 50s housewife, I think is an insulting thing to do. I think it is a shitty thing to do, especially to a woman that you love, but any woman really like telling them to be, you know, revert 70, 80 years in progressive culture to appease the old bosses at your work sucks and you shouldn't do it. However, you mentioned that you guys talk about how you are slowly making things change. And I assume she's not a stupid woman. I assume that she understands that you can't kick in a door and be like hey old people i'm changing this for the better and put sunglasses on like skateboard through the halls uh it's actually wheelies wheelies heelys well heelys doing wheelies on heelys um you know i mean like i i think i would

hope that she understands that that is not the way the world works, even though it would be great if we could walk into misogynistically run companies and companies that have, you know, archaic hiring practices. I wish we could smash our way in and just be like, this is done. This is done. Here's how we're doing it. It's over. We're back into the like the modern era now. Fuck you guys. I wish we honestly could smash in more doors with a skateboard and sunglasses, especially if we're yelling at old misogynistic fucks.

Exactly. I'm on board with her ideal, but hopefully, like I said, I can't imagine that she believes that that is the way things are done, especially if you are talking regularly about the way that you're currently doing it so i think having a conversation of being like look we need to tiptoe and like make it a wee thing because you well you're doing the same thing that's what i think is a really good thing that you've pointed out already is like it's not that she has to do this you're doing it too you know i mean it's not like oh i'm on board but you have to pretend it's like you're also doing that and she knows and you guys are already on the same

team and have discussed this so it's like you could be like oh man i am i am not looking forward to this dinner you know what i mean these guys maybe there are good parts to them but in general they kind of suck and you could be like it's you know it's hard enough having to put up with their bullshit when it's business and it's work but like i'm worried that with everyone's wives there and shit like they'll be shitty and like how do you feel about going because you don't have to again maybe she doesn't want to be in that position and like talk about that way where you guys are a team and you're also on her side and also having to put this you know muzzle on or whatever the way you want to fucking say where like it's not her because if you're just being like you have to change that's kind of shitty whereas like we are in this situation together and it sucks is

one true and two i think a lot more palatable and also you make a good point of like this dude is doing this on a daily basis right like he's he understands that the practices are bad and i'm but i'm sure he's not going right to their face and being like hey your hiring practices suck because again that wouldn't institute change so he's doing like right to their face and being like, Hey, your hiring practices suck because again, that wouldn't institute change. So he's doing like, he is keeping his mouth shut or at least biting his tongue on probably more than one occasion every day to actually institute change. So yeah,

I think you need to like sit down and have a conversation and be like, look, this is, this is a game that I've been playing for a very long time and it's a passion project of mine. And it is something that really means a lot to me the way that I know been playing for a very long time. And it's a passion project of mine. And it is something that really means a lot to me, the way that I know that it means a lot for you. And it is a dance.

And it's a dance that sucks. And it's a dance that sometimes I have to bite my tongue. So you might think that I am being complicit in their behavior. I want to assure you that I'm not. And that if I spoke out against it, or if I actively pushed back against it, I would not be able to do the things that I'm doing. And I would not have been able to achieve the things that I've achieved. So in order for me to continue making forward strides, I do have to play the game a little bit. I do have to do the dance.

Yeah. I also think there's no harm in maybe coming up with a like a safe word almost because like it's also really shitty to have this conversation and be like okay you can't really rock the boat you can't be offended by these shitty things but it's like what if somebody says something that pushes like crosses the line right i think having a safe word or a code word or something so that they can either you know talk to you in a separate room or leave or have you stand up, you know what I mean? Because you don't want to leave them in this awkward position where if something actually really does bother them that they feel like they're not allowed to express that. So I think having a safe word, even if it's just like, I'm out of here, like I, this is too much, you can, you know, leave, say the pregnancy is whatever,

you can both go or whatever but it does help you one like not get into any mix-ups if anything does go wrong and to kind of reinforce the fact you guys are on a team it's you against them yeah i think that's a great idea and also you have a great out with the fact that she's eight months pregnant that's that's a lot that's like you're you're almost there so even if it's something as simple as like oh i need to stretch my legs you know something as simple as that or like oh my back my back's acting up something and that way she has a reason to like get out of there and then like you can wait 30 seconds to be like i'm just gonna go make sure she's okay and there you go now she's gonna have that so i'm gonna go with

her you know what i mean easy boom yeah and the thing is you mentioned that like this will become more of an issue as you move into upper management. So it's like, yeah, this is important to to get right now or at least to begin to to delve into now, because if it's just going to be a every month thing like you really need to get that hand. But yeah, like be honest. Don't don't just be like, hey, you need to behave on this dinner. You're married. You've been married for a long time. You should be able to talk to each other realistically and properly you're about to have a fucking kid have a conversation i'm sure they'll understand because like look what you're saying is correct you being like oh i need a step for wife tonight you're not wrong but the implications are so much different than if you sit her down and have the conversation about being like hey we gotta play a part tonight both of us you know you're gonna see my work persona it's not the real me but it's the me that i need to be in order to achieve what real me wants yeah and like i said like hopefully

she understands that and hopefully she's not so headstrong that can't see that nuance is usually the way to victory in these kind of situations that like i remember going to um like a vegan food festival and there was a guy just running up to people and being like do you kill animals are you an animal killer i'm like one wild place to do this at a vegan food festival but also like this tactic isn't going to change anything like anyone who is a meat eater like to put people on the defensive right off the bat is not the way to like change people's minds. The same way that like backs up. Yeah.

The same way that like busting into an office, presumably being much younger than the people running it and telling them that everything they know and all their core fundamental beliefs are wrong. No one's going to respond well to that when you're healing around. Right. And especially when you're an old white man. Yeah. You guys should be able to have this talk. And that's the thing. This isn't even just practice for business and for whatever. It's

practice for having a kid because you need to be able to talk to each other. Honestly, you're on the same fucking team now more than ever. So be honest, be genuine, be kind, and don't downplay your role in this situation, which is that you're going to be doing the same thing. And good luck. I think you got this. This is from Reddit user Siam. How do I tell my partner that I wish he would approach sex differently? I'm confused if this is a fundamental problem or if this is something that we can manage. Here it comes. My problem when it comes to our sex is that he's seemingly constantly horny.

So as soon as we are both by ourselves, he will within 15 minutes approach me for sex. He has a very high libido. I never questioned my libido. I never questioned my libido before, but now I can't keep up with his pace. In most cases, I just wish we wouldn't end up sleeping with each other right away after we get home or so. I require a bit more time to get in the mood. With other partners, before I initiated sex, there comes a moment when I crave it, but with him, I never really get to that stage. Now I'm wondering how I can talk to him about this. It's a very sensitive issue for him.

So I want to let him know that what I need for more pleasurable sex without hurting his feelings or making him think too much about the process when he should just enjoy it and not actually overthink his doings. It's so upsetting to me that someone's like, oh, I'm not enjoying this. And I'm worried that like, oh, it's so shitty of me to mention it in case he gets in his own head and doesn't enjoy it. Like, obviously you're a good kind person that's putting other people's needs before yourself, but like, it's heartbreaking. Don't do that. You can definitely, like, this is an issue people have. Libido mismatches are fully, definitely a thing. We've had them on here before and you can just address that and just be like, tell them when you're in the mood, tell them when you're not in the mood or when, which also seems to be an issue here. If they're not giving you sufficient foreplay or attention, tell matter that they're horny. They have a hand. It doesn't matter that it's the first time you guys got together that day or whatever. Like you have the ability to not have sex all the time, constantly, whenever you want.

And you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Yeah. And like from what I gather from the question, it doesn't sound like he's it's the fact that he wants a lot of sex. I think it's more that like the second they get home, he's like, okay, it's sex times now, which as you said,

it's like, you just have to tell him, be like, Hey, I need a bit more time to get going. And I'm not a big fan of like the second I get home that I, it's sex time because you want to have sex. I need time to like settle in and like maybe have a shower or take my

clothes or change it to something more comfortable or kind of like process the water. whatever it might be it's like i i need some some time to relax and there are also times where like i don't want to have sex just because we are now home and alone together it's hard for me to tell whether that is like whether it's the speed at which they have sex or it's the fact that he doesn't seem to be doing enough foreplay and stuff, which also seems like it's the problem. Or is it both? Either way, I think all of it is communication. Yeah. If you're lacking something, you need to communicate that that's what you need.

And like if your partner is going to get upset and self-conscious and not enjoy sex as a result of that, like you probably shouldn't be having sex with that person. Well, that's what I was going to say. I was like, if a good way of knowing, because like, I think the real question is, is this a fundamental problem or is this something that we can manage? And you find that out. It's like by having the conversation

and setting the boundary and being like, hey, I would like to, I need to pump the brakes. Like, I don't want to have sex the second we get in. And I don't know if i want to have sex at all every time we get in so let's just relax and when we do have sex i want to take it a little slower i want to have a bit more time for me to get into the mood a bit more time whether it's more foreplay or you know making out or just snuggling on the couch and watching a TV show or a movie first. And then, you know, but the lights are off. And when the screen has gone black after the movie or the show, things get a little hot

and heavy. But it's like, I want to I want to feel inclined and I want and I need I need that. And then you need to see how they react and how they process that. Because what I can see happening is you tell them, oh oh i don't want to have sex right when i get in and then it's like a caged animal sitting there looking at their watch and being like okay it's been an hour is that long enough and then being late you know what i mean if they seem super anxious it's gonna turn that entire hour into not rest and not focusing in on yourself or calming down or getting comfortable it's just going to make when they do

pounce the exact same as coming in the door exactly so I think that is how you that is how you find out whether this is manageable or not because if you if you have that conversation and they fucking reel it in and hold back because as Niall said mismatch for libidos don't give you just because you're like oh I have a

high libido therefore I need sex all the time it's like no you want sex all the time you don't need it you also don't give you just because you're like oh i have a high libido therefore i need sex all the time it's like no you want sex all the time you don't need it you also don't are guaranteed it or deserve it or any of that shit so you need to see how he he takes this this note and like i said i feel you know everyone feels that tension you know what i mean like when you're on a couch like you know that first date when you've gone back to your place and you haven't like kissed yet and there's that like tension of like how long do we have a little small talk or like chat on the couch like how many how many how much further can i scooch closer casually that's like a delicious tension but it's good yes it's

really good but it's not when like you know the person and all you want like all they want is like the like i said just looking at the clock you know what i mean like if that's yeah how you're trying to unwind and you're just like oh this guy's literally just like has come up with a time like an hour or an hour and 15 minutes or has decided that at like seven o'clock he's going to make his move and you can tell that like that's just what he's waiting for and he's distracted and not really engaging with you because he's just counting down the seconds till seven o'clock i don't think this is a manageable thing if you do reach a if he's chill about this i would recommend being the one to approach then when you do feel like especially if you feel at all after you have the conversation there is that space because like

it is shitty to always be the one approaching if that is the case here sure and like if he's then in this grayer and doesn't really know what to do and you're not stepping up and also kind of like igniting things that's going to be really shitty for him because he's going to be in a like well i won't i like it shouldn't all be in his hands which might not be the case in his case it seems like you don't even get the choice to have it in your hands. So hopefully that's not the case. I just want to make sure that that is also covered. That's what you said with other partners before I initiated sex,

because there comes a moment where I crave it. But like you said, I'm just saying in this case, when they do, I just want to make sure that's still covered. And it's even just for the people who might have a similar, you know, situation.

This is by Substantial Ad 7269. Fiance and I never had that courtship stage because we immediately hit it off and sort of jumped straight to, it's like we've known each other a lifetime territory. I'm feeling like we need to get that spark of newness back, but it's like we never really had new, so I don't know what to even ask for. I, 28 year old female and fiance, 29 year old male, we've been together for four years. And it's been one of those relationships where we met, immediately hit it off, and just sort of fell into being attached to that hip and already acting like we'd been married old couple for ages. All of this is a good thing because it's a byproduct of how compatible we are, how inherently safe and comfortable we felt with each other right off

the bat. The fact that we did not have to chase one another or worry about the game of conquest was initially very nice because we both came from past relationships where all we ever did was chase after people who didn't want to be caught. It was very refreshing at first just fall into place with someone who was ready to be together without the games or the pretense of wooing someone and earning their affection. But after four years, I feel like I'm getting, I'm feeling restless and there's a small part of me that needs something which I'm not getting. After much soul searching, I figured out that though I love my fiance to bits, there's a certain kind of understimulation, I guess. I don't think boredom is the right word because I don't like the connotation dissociate with that

in the relationship context, but I don't know. I definitely just feel like I find myself waiting for a spark that maybe we never had in a way. Don't get me wrong, there was definitely a sort of spark between us when we met. It was like the spark of reuniting with a loved one you hadn't seen in a long while, rather than the spark of meeting someone and slowly developing a crush, wondering if the feeling is mutual, feeling the need to put your best foot forward to pursue them and hopefully win them over. There was never any of the spark you get from the thrill of the chase. I feel like I'm just missing that for some reason. I just feel like I want to be wooed and courted. A part of me misses being single, not because I want anyone other than him, because I miss the

feeling of being really seen by someone for the first time. The tension, buildup, and polarity of being pursued and courted by someone who still feels like they need to try to win you over. I miss the game of seducing someone and being seduced. I miss the feeling of being surprised by someone making meaningful gestures to declare their affections. I love the safety of certainty and knowing we have each other without having to try, but at the same time miss the excitement of not knowing and feeling that desire to win each other over and every day. I know after a while this is a feeling a lot of people get in long-term relationships, so I at least know I'm not alone or crazy for feeling the way I do. The issue is where people usually say you need to keep doing the things you did

initially to win each other, we never had to do anything to win each other. Lol. We just met and immediately fell into hanging out every day, saying I loved you, and moved in very fast. And now here we are four years later. I to talk to him bring these concerns up i want to bring that spark of courtship into our relationship but i don't even know what to ask for i don't know what will give me the sensations of craving seeing as again we never really had to chase one another i've been trying on my end to make concerted efforts to look my best suggest we go on dates more often than things but often he won't even notice i look nice or at least doesn't say anything until i'm already sour and pouting because he

didn't notice I dressed up at all. Or if he do go out, he'll whip out his phone and just sit there not paying attention to me until I complain. I feel like we've felt this comfortable complacency with one another. I want to dig our way out. Don't know how to do it. Don't know how to bring it up to him, but I want him to make an effort too. Just haven't really told him any of this so explicitly yet because I don't know

what to say or ask for. Okay. You are in the four year danger zone the four year slump yeah and i think it's pretty it's pretty common around four years i find that like that is the mark that couples start to feel the burden of comfort and the burden of not complacency but uh the the fact that like you no longer have to work for it and that you start to take liberties in the effort that you put in and not in like this sounds negative, but it's not negative. It's at a certain point in time when you're with someone that you really care about and you feel safe with and you're comfortable with, you can relax a lot of

stuff, right? You feel like you might not need to do a lot of things. Whether that's true or not, it is like one of the most common things that happens. And I find that usually it's that four year mark. I feel like most like solid long-term relationships crumble at four years or people get over it and then they're fine. And I think a lot of it does have to come from the fact that like,

that's kind of around the time that like you, you're like, you're my person. And therefore I don't need to try that hard anymore. And again, don't mean that in a bad way. I just mean it in a, in a sense of being like,

you're mine. And I'm not, it's not at the forefront of my mind. Like we can focus on other things, usually personal things. So I, there's a few things here. I'm just gonna point out some red flags for me. They seem to mention chasing and like talking about like,

I think a lot of terminology where the bad stuff, like the mind games and the chasing and the pursuit. And like they mentioned that they had previous partners that work great. And I think they think that getting together involves that to a certain degree. And I think that's not a good thing. Two, dressing up all nice and expecting your partner to comment on it, but then pouting and being sour when they don't. Like that's not great.

I don't love that. And the thing is, I'm very worried that this is a, we rely on each other way too much. Codependent. That's the one. Award winning. Yeah, it's like a codependency problem. They met each other.

They were immediately attached at the hip and they moved in together really quickly. It's like, cool. These are all things you probably did way too quickly. And it's like, it doesn't really sound like there's much in the way of anybody else in your lives. You know what I mean? Again, maybe that's me reading into it, but it's like if your entire life, day in, day out,

is your partner all the time attached to the hip like this married old couple, it's possible you guys are way too codependent. And like time apart from your fiance or partner or whoever also kind of lends its own spice just by that, like that easily.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. So it's like various things. Like don't play silly games of like just trying to dress up and hope that something is going to change. It's like he thinks you're hot all the time. You look hot another time. It's like that's not going to fix anything. And being sour and pouting because he doesn't follow the script you've written in your head is just going to cause more problems.

That's shitty. Two, you talk about never feeling new and whatever. Do new things together. Do fresh things. You don't have to do the things that you did when you met each other because at this point, they're presumably not even new anymore. When I met my partner, we went on adventure dates. We went fucking flying trapeze. We went on bar crawl, blah, blah, blah. We still do shit like that. So it's like going back to the things we did when we met each other. It doesn't make any sense because that's what we do every day. Whereas if we were to go take a dance class or do a pottery class, that would be new.

That would be exciting. That would inject something fresh into our relationship. So the fear that because you didn't have a courtship stage, you can't do this is wild to me because I think for most people, you probably keep those things going anyway. And secondly, newness is what you need. So just do something new. Yeah. And I understand not bringing this up right away because you are kind of like in that thing of being like, what is it that I need? I don't know what I want. And that's fine. But you do need to nail it down because expecting it to happen without knowing what you want is sort of like going to a restaurant and be like, you choose. And then being like, okay, like chances are you'll get something that's not bad.

But is it what you want? Is it what you need? Probably not. I used to work in a bar with a shit ton of beers and they would come in and be like, oh, you pick for me. And I'm like, cool, I would love to pick, but I'm going to need to ask you some questions first. They're like, no, just give me whatever you think. And I'm like, cool. But like, and then I'll be like, oh, do you like coffee? And they're like, no, too bitter too. I don't like dark stuff. I'm like, cool, great. That like, I could have brought you a fucking coffee stout. You would have hated that.

This is why I ask you questions. Don't give me a surprise to you, but I do need some kind of fucking guiding light here. And it's like, I especially if you want you know you said you want them to put in effort i think you need to definitely nail down that because coming up to someone being like i want you to do more it's like cool do more what i don't know that's not great i don't think there's any harm in like i know this is going to be terrifying for a traditional couple or a couple that, you know, are people who have very traditional senses of like how our relationship should be. But I think there's no harm in sitting down and being like, hey, I'm starting to feel a bit restless and I feel like we're getting complacent and I feel like we're taking it a little too easy with how we treat one another. And I want to find a way together on how to,

how to change that because I don't want to be the couple that we're good. We're great. But everyone kind of looks at it. It's just like, Oh, it's them. And we're on our phones together. Or we go to the same bar on the same day of the week.

Every day, like every week, like Wednesday is McFlanagan's night where we go and we both have you know the same wings and we watch the same sports team and we have the same flavor and like i like i don't think there's any problem with being like i kind of want to break our routine a little bit what would you like to do to do that as now said like do new things if there's something he wants to do if there's a hobby that he would like to pursue, maybe you guys take a fencing class together. That's great. Okay. Now you

have something that's like, you get to look forward together. And now you have a sexy fencing outfit as well, that maybe you guys can fool around in. Sexy fencing outfit? Does that exist? Have you seen... I guess it's a kind of bodysuits, yeah. Yeah. I would say, to maybe not mention other people,

I don't want to be the couple other people look at, I would say to maybe not mention other people. I don't want to be the couple other people look at. I would say maybe don't mention that because I think that's a different issue. And I think it's what you care about as opposed to how you appear to others. Like, fuck what they think. I will also say if you bring this up to your partner and they don't feel the same way, it doesn't matter. You know what I mean? Like, you don't both need to feel it. The fact that you feel it should be enough and they should hopefully care about how you feel and hopefully want to help you

and help the relationship yeah the conversation needs to be diagnostic in nature of being like here's how i feel how do you feel okay now that i know how you feel and you know how i feel let's figure out what we need to do to to help my end of. Because like at the end of the day, if they're like, Oh, you need something, but I don't. And then don't do anything to help with, with your end of the things or,

or your needs. And it's like, that's not a good partner. No, try to make sure when you say this, like you express that it isn't their fault or that like, you know, you don't come on combative because again,

this thing happens. It's, it's, it's pretty standard. And it's like, if they get all upset, you can be like, look, we all know this happens to relationships. I just want to make sure we stay strong. And there's a lot of spice things up a bit, have more fun with you. And I also think it's a very simple rule to just be like, can we not be on phones when we're on a date? Like that's a very actionable, very simple thing. And I get it. It sucks if you're trying to do

something and they're just like tapping away. Even with the mention of like the dressing up thing being like, I want to put in a little bit more effort in my physical appearance for you. Would you mind noticing that? So that like on the days where she does get all dolled up, it's so easy to be like, damn, you look great. And I think between you pouting and you feeling seen in the relationship, you know, words of affirmation is a love language and it is a very valid one. It is one that I really, really appreciate as a dude. I don't get a whole lot of compliments. So when I'm with someone who pays me compliments, even really, really subtle ones of being like, you look great

in that shirt that like that fills my tank up for like the week you know so if it's something as simple of that just being like i i'm going to put a lot more effort into it and and it could be as now said he might like when we find someone attractive or at least when i find someone attractive it doesn't matter if you're got no makeup in your sweats and messy hair let you have it washed for a couple. You look just as fucking hot and sexy in that scenario. Then when you're in like your favorite dress and your makeup is all done and you're fresh and you're clean and you've like dolled yourself up. Like for me, there isn't really a big spectrum of like,

Oh, you're, you're okay then. But I, like I tolerate this look because I know how hot you can get. Like I'm attracted to the whole spectrum of looks. So it's it's difficult for some people to be like, oh, you look great because you always look great. Yeah.

And also, like, if one day you kind of put on a little bit more makeup and wore something else, like maybe he doesn't want to only say, oh, you look great then for fear that he would imply that you don't when you're not wearing the makeup you know what i mean i don't know either way it's like i think it's fully okay to be like look you know like last week i you know i wore like my really nice clothes i like did myself up for you and you you know it bummed me out because you didn't seem to notice i think that's totally fine pouting and being sour because they didn't notice is shit. Yes. Doing it silently with no communication is not the answer. Like doing something and then expecting something and not getting it without communicating that that's what you want or need is not the way forward. Yes. So by all means, have that conversation. But I think, look, do new things together,

have this chat with each other, like try to figure out plans together. But also, and I think it's equally as important, try to do things without each other. If you don't have a fulfilling social life, if you don't have time apart that you were both happy with, I don't think these things are going to really have that much of an impact. I think they'll be better. But I think to have the full spectrum of health in this relationship, you need new things together. You need time apart. You need to communicate and you need to work this out together. And Hey, let me tell you, I, I suggest this to like everyone because it is something that I find really fun. Go to a bar and pretend like you don't know each other. And I know that that's a big step. I know like that's a whole role play thing that some people aren't into. But if you guys, if you're missing that

seduction side of things, if you want to feel like you can seduce your partner still, it's a great way to do it. Alright. You got one for me? This is from Unique Rain. A bunch of numbers. Is it cheating? The rules are broken in an open relationship. My girlfriend has almost substituted me sexually

with others. Me and my girlfriend are together for three years, but our open relationship has complicated things more. Me and my girlfriend are together for almost three years. We started up as friends who were banging once in a while. We are both sexually active and we like to explore. Me, a 25-year-old male bisexual, and her, a 24-year-old straight female. After a year of knowing each other, we moved in together because we decided to both live abroad in the same country.

Our sexual interactions became more frequent and we ended up being together. We were always confident in talking about our sexual partners, so it became natural for her to propose an open relationship. I was also okay with it and we set up some rules. 1. Always give notice before having sex with someone. 2. Never people from our circle. 3. Always condom. 4. No threesomes, etc. I knew she would have more partners than me because there were days I was only thinking about her. So after a while,

the rules were pretty much broken. The truth is that her partners were way more than mine, and I frequently entered the house with men having sex with her. We even had some specific people in our circles, friend and two neighbors, who were one of her almost weekly partners. I actually didn't mind so much about the rules broken because I could do the same. However, I'm starting to have second thoughts, especially with me starting to know people who started to become more frequent in our life. Does that count as cheating or am I getting jealous? The thing is, I love her too much to break up. I'm the kind of guy that takes off her shoes when she comes home and kisses her feet, treats her well. I know she knows I depend on her, but I can't see myself letting her go. I think it's a pretty simple answer in that it is because like I know we have this unwritten law that we all know what a standard relationship is.

But in reality, what it is, is two people getting together and agreeing a few rules. And if you break those rules you're cheating so like i don't see why modifying your relationship in very specific ways but then throwing those out is anything else other than that and i would say honestly i would say that discerning what's cheating in an open relationship where you like actively like just declare rules is easier than like you know as in a monogamous, like quote unquote, traditional relationship, we consider it as having sex with someone else that you're not in a monogamous relationship.

And that's like our big rule of cheating. But then like, then we get into things like emotional cheating. And is it cheating to send nudes? Is it cheating to receive nudes? Is it cheating to, you know, tell another person that you love them?

Like all those like gray areas. But if you have a open relationship and you say, hey, one of our rules is don't sleep with people in our friend group. And then you go and sleep with people in your friend group. That is a clear breaking of a rule that is clearly defined. It's not like, oh, I didn't cheat on you. I never fucked them. I never kissed them. We just sent nudes back and forth.

It's not cheating. Because the thing is, like, being in an open relationship doesn't mean, well, that's it. I can do whatever the fuck I want. It's like, oh, but you had the rules. Yeah, I broke the rules, though. It's not cheating. Okay, so what is it? It's not just like the Wild West.

It doesn't mean you can literally just do whatever the fuck you want. You come up with those rules for a reason, and those are to protect you your partner everyone's feelings and it's like if you just throw them to the wayside like what's the fucking point yeah 100 like i would say you have rules and you make rules you keep them and if you don't keep them then you have to reevaluate and be like hey why did you break those rules and like what is the value you place on breaking these rules because if you don't care about them then i can like it should in turn sort of start to reflect and be like cool you don't care about us or me yeah well the thing is it's like you're untrustworthy if you make these rules agree to them and then wantonly break them yeah and as i say if you can't trust your partner you

should be yeah so yeah i think 100 it is i would agree now you say like i do want to talk about like because he does also say like oh i worship her feet and like uh you know blah blah blah i couldn't pause i don't like to say this a lot but it does sound like you need to get a backbone and it does sound like you need to stand up for yourself and i'm not saying don't take her shoes off and don't treat her like a princess and you know like do whatever you do i don't care about the dynamics of your relationship or how you wish to honor your partner, but you do need to stand up for your dignity. So if someone is, she's breaking rules, you need to say, Hey, you've broken a rule and we need to rectify this. Either you stop doing it.

And I like, I also would like an apology for it. And if you're, but if you're going to keep gonna keep doing like this isn't a relationship anymore right like now now you're just the guy who lives with her yeah you're just fucking roommates yeah even then it's like if i have a rules with my roommate and they're like yeah fuck it though definitely a good roommate i mean i have i've like i i can't believe that you're still like oh i love her so much after walking in on her fucking dudes like your neighbor and again i'm not saying that to like slut shame her or i'm not saying it to say like oh i couldn't imagine like i couldn't see my partner with another man i'm not saying that i'm saying that she's like pretty much

breaking every rule all at once in front of you and there didn't seem to be any repercussions and you didn't seem to be upset by it didn Didn't like what happened? Were you just like, oops. And then close the door. Like, well, I will say the other thing that fucking ping for me, which I think is probably it's related powerfully somehow is when they were like,

well, that means I can break them too. It's like, Oh God, that's, that's not the way forward because either you're either you don't agree with the rules and they don't agree with the rules. in which case just go, hey, you know what? We we don't need these rules and then establish new rules.

And hey, it's not cheating them because you both agree if that's how you actually feel, because otherwise it's it's revenge and it's pettiness. And it's like, well, if you did it and that's just poison for everyone involved. So it's like, like look you could change rules right again i still think it's a shitty way to change rules by breaking them and not apologizing and not bringing it up and having the other person come forward and be like actually i don't mind that's not the way to do it but no it's like doing renovations and being like taking a sledgehammer to a wall and being like a little kitchen Island would be nice. Yeah. That's like,

you don't fuck with people's feelings like that because that's awful. If you're too cowardly to actually have the conversation to modify the rules that you want to modify, I think you're too cowardly to be in a relationship, especially in a way that requires a lot more, I think, uh, in terms of communication and maturity. Yeah.

So don't, but don't be the person that's like, well, you broke the rules. So now I get to, I think, in terms of communication and maturity. Yeah. So don't, but don't be the person that's like, well, you broke the rules, so now I get to. Because again, if you're happy with them, redetermine the rules. If you're not happy with them, you're being cheated on, and revenge isn't the way to go.

Yeah, and it's like, I, yeah, yes. All right. You want a quick one before, for Tindies? Yes, please. I'm going to not read the title, but this is by Expert Skirt789. I met my boyfriend during freshman year of college. We've been together for two years. Yesterday, an acquaintance of mine said she saw him talking to another girl at a party, and they left together.

I confronted him about it, and he admitted they went to her dorm room, but wouldn't say anything else. I kept probing him, and eventually admitted that she gave him a blowjob, but nothing else happened. I was furious and almost in tears, so I tried to leave, but he stopped me and said it didn't count as cheating, because he was just using her mouth to masturbate, and that wasn't different from using a flashlight. I told him we were done and left.

Now he's been texting me all day saying he's sorry, and he didn't know I considered blowjobs to be cheating. In my mind, it's 100% cheating, but he seems confused as to my reaction. It's not like I never gave him blowjobs. I can't understand why he did this. He said he still wants to talk to me to work things out, but I don't think I can trust him again. I'm still angry and hurt, and it hurts even more that he thought I'd be okay with this. Should I even bother

meeting with him, or should I just finalize the breakup by text? Our relationship has been wonderful up until this happened. I'm really unsure of what to do. Absolutely break up with this guy i it wasn't a blowjob babe i was masturbating with her face yeah like what the fuck one super disrespectful to the woman that he fucking got a blowjob from so it's like yes even if you want to ignore his batshit awful logic it's like cool this guy's just proven that he's a bit of a dick i'm not a bit of a dick i know i know the fact that he's saying oh this actual human being i know i'm more than a fucking object

i'm being coy like oh he's he's a bitch shit like he's very i yes was also in the process of saying and also we can all agree getting a blow job off someone is fucking cheating yeah because unless again unless you specifically have a rule where that's allowed as per our last question. Rules are important. Yeah. Because like, what's to say that it's like, Oh babe,

I didn't have sex with her. I was just using her vagina as a, as a masturbation tool. It's like a fleshlight. Literally. That's what a fleshlight is. It's just attached to a person this time. Babe,

it's not cheating. If it's not cheating and it's nothing wrong. Why did he lie about it and had to be pressed and interrogated until he got there? And be like, yeah, maybe just be like, oh, okay, well, I'm really glad to hear that because I've been blowing people all over campus. Like, would he be cool with that? Something tells me, nope. Yeah, no, just fuck this guy like he's trying to be a little smarmy shithead and like back his way out with like just idiot idiocy and desperation and confidence and it's just embarrassing and you

shouldn't even just don't give him anything done when someone has to write the essay question at the end of an exam and they have no idea yeah any like i haven't done any of the homework doesn't understand the question doesn't know the source material and they're just writing things yeah they're just saying things they looked at the question about moby dick and thought they were in a biology exam or a music exam and just wrote about moby i i'd be there for that uh yeah no fuck this guy this guy's a fucking asshole he's trying to play you for a fucking fool don't let let him. No. The second anyone says, I didn't know that was cheating, I feel like nine times out of ten, they probably knew it was cheating.

Oh, yeah. I know we mentioned that it's not as cut and dry necessarily as if you have an open relationship and you do lay down some concrete rules. But like on the flip side, you could probably find 98% of the world that would instantly agree with you. And I think it's a pretty safe guess that if your genitals are on or inside another person, it's probably cheating. Probably. Probably.

Tindy time. Tindy time. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. We scan through them, look for red flags, see what works and what doesn't work. This is nameless. They are a 25-year-old female. I keep rats, snakes, and tarantulas, and I have a black cat.

I may just be one of the witches from Hocus Pocus. Who knows? Maybe I'll cast a spell on you. Wink. Let me buy you coffee. I know the best place in blank. Pro-choice, LGBTQ plus friendly, Black Lives Matter, trans rights are human rights, kiss face.

Okay. I love all that. Yeah. That is on brand with all the things I like. She's spooky, ally, like promoting trans rights. Yeah, there was no like, I don't like this. No, cute as well.

Like who knows? Maybe I'll cast a spell on you. Love it. Hocus Pocus, great reference. Let me buy you coffee. Super positive, super unique as well. I know the best place in blank. Great.

Fuck yeah. Someone wants to take me to their favorite coffee shop. I'm here for it. I'm giving it a nine. It's probably 9.5. I'm just going to go flat 10. I think this is a profile that does exactly what it needs to do. It's got personality.

It's positive. It's got very clear indicators of like sort of interest and what you're into. It's something that like if I see this profile, I'm going to be swiping on it. And I think it's one of those profiles that would win me over if I wasn't immediately sure about like the pictures, if that makes sense. If I was like, oh, you're kind of cute. This probably would be like, absolutely. For me, I would just like a little bit more about them.

I know they have pets. I know they're nice. I know they're an ally. I know they like coffee, but like, you know, just a little bit more about what they like and do. But like, I definitely would give them a chance to find that out because they're an ally. I know they like coffee, but like, you know, just a little bit more about what they like and do. But like, I definitely would give them a chance to find that out because they seem really cool. So that's why it's not a 10 for me. This is Masha.

I'm from Ukraine, living and working in Lithuania for now. Mostly sad, but love playing quests, dancing, masturbate and eating sweets. Dreaming about dogs, not kids. Want to move to Canada, but super scared of nice people on Earth and nine hours flight. I'm not fantasizing about perfect life. I just think about waking up somewhere safe. I'm thinking about having a pretty kitchen

and a nice black doggo. Nutella in the fridge. Coffee always brewing. I could be happy with someone simple and quite. This is perplexing. Now, what I want you to do is strip away the the what are obviously translation errors it's a very adorable profile it's adorable and heartbreaking it is adorable and heartbreaking i don't like i wish i could get clarification like they're scared of the nicest people on earth

i don't know what that means see i think that's a joke maybe i think i think she's being like you guys are so nice you guys freak me out so i think that's a joke that like just gets lost to translation but like mostly sad but love playing quests i'm not sure what quests are that's the only one where i'm just like what does that mean but like dancing masturbating eating sweets like i think that's super honest i think it's funny i think it's sexy i think you know i think you're just laying it on the table there kind of baring your soul a little bit and but then like the i fantasize about or i don't fantasize about a perfect life i just want to wake up somewhere safe i think that man that questioned me in the gut and i was just like fuck no it is heartbreaking um i just i wish i could get the full profile because again the masturbate thing threw me for

a loop i wasn't really sure what that was you know like are you just being flat out on saying you like to masturbate because hell yeah was it a mis-translation too was it and like playing quest it's like there's so much there is it like you're super nerdy because damn that would be incredible uh i think it's a nice profile i think it is a little as you said it's heartbreaking it's very sweet yeah i'm giving it a seven i think if there was a better translation and i was cleared up on some of the the gray area i think i would be at an eight. I will say, I also don't really know what the point of this is because you're not in Canada yet.

I don't know if you'll be in Canada. I think there's a lot of pressure inherent in the profile if you're planning to move here. There's a certain level of like, oh, fuck, if you're coming here and you want a family and all this stuff and you're not even here yet. It's like, I don't want to be the reason you come over here. I don't want to feel that pressure.

She's dreaming about dogs, not kids. I do love that. I also think that's a great line, actually. And a black doggo. Great. The best type of doggos. Yeah, I'll give it a seven as well, just because it's so heartwarming. This is Olivia, 32 32 job in clinical psychology

as a child when my goldfish died i mourned the entire ocean this again one of those profiles where i'm just like what do you want out of this because yeah i don't know i don't know what the point is i don't know anything about you i don't know i mean i know you have a kid the cool but like i don't know i'm gonna give it a three because it's it's nothing what how do you know they have a kid doesn't it say she has a kid no it says as a child when my goldfish died i mourned the entire ocean i thought you said has a child no no so like when they were a child and their goldfish died they mourned the entire ocean so even less information even less information i know you were

once a child yeah i'm giving this you know i'm gonna give it a two it's not a bad profile in the terms that i normally give to not like offensive but it is garbage i think yeah it's a bad profile but not a bad profile you know yeah you either have no idea what's going on or you're trying to be deep or some weird mixture of all of those things. And all right, this is Jamie, 32. I like to think of myself as a goofy, fun and empathetic person who enjoys trying new things, embracing my inner child. I'm strongly against mandates, coercion and medical discrimination. They're a teacher as well, by the way.

Of course they are. You know, it's it's gotten to the point where, like, the mandates are done. They've been done for, like, 10 months. If this is still part of your profile, still part of your philosophy and your personality, I don't care. Nobody cares anymore. At the time, there were a lot of reasons and still remain reasons for what they did. And it's like, come on. If you're a teacher and you can't get your head around that. Mm hmm.

I don't know. Also, you're not very empathetic, are you? Yeah. So I don't want to wear masks, despite the fact that it might save people who are immunocompromised. Exactly. So like zero. Yeah. This is WTF about me.

Do you really want to be happier then start accepting people for who they are but place them where the fuck they belong and begin making realistic decisions about where they fit into your life based on who they keep consistently showing you they are instead of who you want them to be the right person will just know and the two like fingers pointing towards each other huh i look if this is your philosophy on how to treat people i don't feel very confident that as a stranger from a dating app i will be put in a place that i would like to be i just don't know what you're doing you're coming off very like high and mighty and like i don't know it's like this is all very generic useful or useless bullshit it's like

this is not your discount ted talk this is a dating profile not a single thing you've said here wants me to makes me want to date you yeah because it sounds like you're like using people or like you're you're all about sort of like judging people's worth based on what they can do for you or how you feel about them which if you don't want to spend time with someone don't like keep them around, but keep them in the F tier. Right? That, to me, I don't know. I don't like categorizing people, and I don't like ranking people,

and that seems to be the first thing you're starting to talk about. Not a fan. I'm going to give this a one. It also just sounds like they are surrounded by a bunch of people that are bad, and it's like you're 33. You should have your shit together to a degree. If you don't have any friends, it's not good for a relationship yeah i give it a two as well fuck it it's not quite one oh i'm giving it a two it's not quite no mandates bad but it ain't great uh that's gonna do it for us today friends thank you very much for listening once again as now said

thank you very much for listening and supporting us we wouldn't be here without you we will certainly wouldn't have won a canadian podcast award without you we strive to do good we strive to make the the show fun and entertaining and educational and we do that because of you and it's it's the whole reason like i would i don't want to be like we're we're winning because we're good or whatever but it's like i think we won the award because because you guys are worth working for oh 100 and like we do this every week because we love you guys we still haven't missed an episode which is fucking insane crazy you know we love you guys and everyone we've interacted with through this podcast has been with the exception of a few people sending in questions thinking we are some kind of brothel everyone's been like incredible so we've somehow managed to

come in contact with just incredibly lovely people and we love i love that i really do so yeah just thanks i do want to say a quick shout out to uh our friends parkdale haunt for winning uh people's choice we we had our fingers crossed to win people's choice, but if we didn't win, we wanted you to win. And it was, it was great. Uh, we've, we've also got like, we've got a bunch of friends, uh, 30 going on 13. You guys were so sweet, um, to, to thank us. Um, your message meant a lot to us. Um, there's other shows like positively positive who are also out here doing the education thing,

teaching people, helping people through the means of sexual awareness. Huge shout out. Go check them out as well. We're just very lucky to one, have the audience and the community that we've built and then also being a part of the Canadian podcast community

as well. It's a surreal experience. And I'm certainly grateful to be a part of it. Yeah. So thank you again, everybody that support us. We absolutely love you. And thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song Paper Stars. If you want more episodes, if you want to support us, we have a Patreon. You'll find it on our website.

And yeah, just again, really we we've been feeling a lot of emotions this week it's been we had a really fun little watch party with a few friends and it was an absolute honor to win and it's fucking great so thank you uh ready for some garbage sex writing yeah uh so this is a job posting i love these ones uh soy boys need not apply all caps small local company needs real man to do real work. This is not a sit on your butt job. We are looking for self-starters that get up early and work until the job is complete. Must be familiar with tools, brackets, like a real man.

And have some general knowledge about general carpentry, electrical, and plumbing. Real men don't have long hair, don't vape, and don't have cats. Real men do have steel toe boots, enjoy hard work, and pursue their goals with limitless vigor. This is not a position where we talk about feelings. We do not whine or cry. If you are a real man, respond to this post for your resume. Job type, full-time, contract. The wildest thing is this sounds like a construction job, right? I don't want anyone who's got a loose understanding of electrical. Yeah. Working on my house.

I'm, you know what? I'm all about faking it till you make it. Except when it comes to the plumbing and construction and electrical wiring of the place that I will be living in. You know what? Not even just for my sake or my home's sake no mainly theirs all like for real yeah i'd like the thing that i love about this actually is it's so much is that like they do seem concerned about your safety you know i mean like wear steel toe boots i don't know it's like a real job posting in here but written by the most insecure man possible i just love that

he took this moment to somehow get upset about cats when like i could understand if like vaping maybe upset them on job because maybe they don't understand that vaping is kind of just smoking maybe they think it's weed i don't know i could understand like a boomery misunderstanding of that i could understand long hair or something because I don't know. You have to put it in your hard hat. It's pretty dumb. But like, how the fuck does a cat affect your job in any way, shape or form? Because real men don't have cats.

Real men have dog. It's the day. It's the day I realized you're not a real man. Hey, you know what? Considering the track record of men, I'm fine with this. I will be at a, like, just sort of amorphous...

Yeah, I'm happy to be just a cat prism. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we have been your award-winning Club Buddies.