F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 246 - Pre-Sex Tea

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

Put on the kettle and then wait.  Then pour a cup and wait.  Then blow on it a little and wait.  Then drink the drink.  Now you can have sex.  Topics include struggling with belts, the Night Rider, how to prepare for sex, a new dating and some deep dating profile revisions.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we take questions on either sex and or dating, and we answer them right here, right now, in your ears, every Monday, and once a month on our Patreon, if you're one of the lucky, special few. And I gotta say, I'm just gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm going to say it. Go for it. I'm so tired of people asking me for sex and dating advice who don't listen to the show. Because people are always like, oh, you have a sex and dating advice. A lot of people I work with.

And they're like, let me ask you this question. I'm like, no. You know what you're going to do? You're going to give me that question, and I'm going to broadcast it publicly to thousands of people. That's what I're going to do? You're going to give me that question and I'm going to broadcast it publicly to thousands of people. That's what I'm going to do. You know what?

I've literally, I've had to now on at least two occasions say, hey, I appreciate that you asked me that question, but you're not getting free work from me. Send it to the podcast. I'll answer it there because like, I'm not going to spend my night when I've come to sing some cool songs doing doing advice for you which hey i love you and hey i like giving advice but guess what it's my job now i know you're talking about going to karaoke and people at karaoke asking you those questions it's happened three times in a row now but i'm just for people listening you saying

i'm not going to do it when i come and sing songs, it sounds like you have... It just sounds very strange. Well, it's weirder that you thought I meant karaoke when it was very clear I was talking about coming and yodeling. Yeah, your classic erotic bard roleplay where you do ejaculate and do a little ditty. Yeah, ejaculate from the lower mouth and the upper mouth, but one is songs and one is come. Which one's which? I'll never tell. Never know.

Are you ready? Oh, I have a listener question. Okay, well I said let's do a question. Oh, I thought you said listener question. Nope. Well, I got a listener question. Okay. So this is from Agent Baguette. Okay. They sent in a clip of another podcast rude no how dare you a sex and dating advice podcast rude i thought we were the only

one are you just like cucking us right now what's happening i know i feel like we're being bullied making us listen there were other ones there isn't yeah okay cool honestly was a good thing it meant we won that award by beating other people. Yeah, not just by default. Exactly. So it was a clip of... It's Girls Gotta Eat podcast. Don't listen to them instead of us.

A clip of some girls essentially talking about how much they hate taking belts off men. Okay. It's taking off a belt, sexy or stressful. And she says, have you discussed this on the podcast before? Because I thought I was the only one who fucking hated belts. And now I'm happy to know I'm not. Do men worry about belts too? Question mark.

Like on us or on people in general? I assume it's on the people we would be stripping bare. I mean, I've never had personally i've never had any trouble i feel like belts are like the bra equivalent where it's like some people right like there's some people who are just like naturally gifted at getting them off and some people who struggle a little bit no matter how like me i've taken off hundreds of bras i'm sure and there i still every now and then be like god damn it come on i just love i love when people get impressed when you can take it off one-handed and they're like whoa as if it's

like some cool magic trick you've done you're just like it's not hard but also like most women that i know most women that i've watched take bras off do it with one hand yeah you just like a pinch and release i'm not sure why you're so impressed when you do it like i wouldn't be impressed by someone if they had a podcast because i have two you know what i mean so if you're just like i have a podcast all right cool whatever so it's the same thing was like if you can do if you take your bra off with one hand and then i do it you shouldn't be impressed by that it's all the same now you heard it here first dane doesn't respect you if you have a podcast no i don't i didn't say respect i said impressed okay if you're gonna walk up and be like i have a podcast it'd be cool i

have two now what how many awards you got though no i see i think it's funny because i think this is one of those times where like society has made this easier for women and harder for men and i'm talking straight men, straight women. Because women have like so many different things and often tight clothing and belts and bras. Whereas men it's like loose clothing and maybe a belt. Yes.

Generally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Generally. We have to run more of a gamut of things. So I was like, when I was sent this, I was like, that's cute. A belt? Just one belt? Yeah. Try to get fucking leather pants off a woman after I made a dancing. Yeah. There's no sexy way to do that. It's just like, okay, well here's, here's the part where I'm going to try to peel it

off your ass. And now I'm going to spend the next 30 seconds sort of like wiggling them down your legs and like, unless I've also, if you you pull the like the waist down and then the ankles are still attached and you're like a meter away from them and you're pulling and they're caught in the ankle and you're just like like that's not hot i have to walk halfway across the room to pull your trousers off you that's throwing a wrench in the gear i'm just gonna say i'm gonna give some tips on that you don't pull from the waist you pull from the ankle you pull from the bottom pants you it's true but you start from the waist is the problem so the ankle. You pull from the bottom pants. It's true, but

you start from the waist is the problem. So sometimes you go and then you're like, you know. Yes, you got to get waist off of ass, particularly if they are endowed with a glorious booty. There's a little bit of a, you know, you got to like make sure the waistband is below

the butt. And then there's cake, the ankle you take, and then you gotta, you know, get your finger and thumb pinch the inside and outside of the, of the bottom of the pants, the legs. And then you just pull,

you pull off. That's how you do it. But like people complain about condoms ruining the mood because you have to like get one and put them on and whatever. It's so much less effort to put a condom on that it is to take a pant off if it's a tight pant. That's my thing. I'm going to be like, hey, here's the deal. You take off all of that, I'll throw a condom on.

Five bucks says I'm going to be standing here waiting, tapping my watch for you, young lady. Also, let's be fair. If you're a guy and there's a girl struggling with your belt, fucking undo it for her, man. It's the barrier between you and for her man like it's the barrier between you and fun time so it's like help them out don't just sit there and be like no no you got to learn sometime women have had it too good for too long and i think it's about time they

start working for sex so what you're saying is weirder belts i've had some weird belts when i was a kid you know those belts that like it's like two buckles and like the strap like loops between them and you like pull and no that's a very bad description like the seat belt kind of style belts like where you pull like the the actual buckle itself and it sort of does like a release like that one do you know what i'm talking about seat belts with a button you know like into a button and you hit the button no like it looks like a seat belt kind of but like you pull the you pull the buckle out almost like yeah okay yeah yeah i think i think we're on the same page and then you like pull the end to tighten yeah yeah one of those i used to want those i'm like damn i had some weird belts as a kid i had a really cool like woven belt that didn't have

like a buckle but instead you just kind of like pierced the little the you know the pointy bit through the material yeah that was pretty that was pretty cool if i do so myself so we should we should this is all a big wind up to announce that we are selling very complex belts on our website because if there's one thing men need it's more of an obstacle to having sex yeah we've had it too good for too long uh yeah okay so yeah i don't know belts i'm they're not big on my list of worries i got more things to worry about yeah i'm not too concerned about it honestly i will say the thing that i tend to get stuck on the most is like when you're taking a shirt off and you've lifted it up over the head

and then it gets stuck on like a necklace or glasses and then you've just kind of like thrown a shirt yeah then you're just like ah fuck you i get to see your titties and not your face let's go but then you get hypnotized by the titties and then you like eight hours past you're like shit they're still in the t-shirt cave damn it this is the thing i'm just like i'm not upset by this i actually know a lot of the people i sleep with are very pretty so like i do want to see their face they're all they're all pretty no there's one that isn't don't call me out like that imagine if i just straight up was like committed to being like no there's one person that i do sleep with that i wish i could cover see i know the listeners know you're messing but what if this is a brand new person's listening? I'm like, damn. All these people talk about are how they hate one of their partners and how many awards they've won.

That's all they do. This is a shit podcast. Don't forget our Patreon, which you should join. Go back to that one other podcast about sex and dating. The only other one. Which we're never mentioning again. In fact, you should go back and beep out the name so no one knows. You want a question or you want to hit me with one?

I got more. I got a bunch. Yeah, give me a question. I'm just vibing right now. How do you want me to begin this? I don't know, man. I don't know what questions you got. I don't know what my options are. What are you feeling? I always want spicy. Here we go. We'll go with the spiciest one. This is throw our

a 99 white, I guess YT. My 24 year old male girlfriend, 23 year old female is staying with her sisters, 27 year old female until I admit I have a problem and get psychiatric help. This all started earlier this year. My parents were going through a divorce and my dad attempted suicide, which left him not all there mentally, even though he survived. I basically had to take care of him and it brought me a lot of stress as I am a full-time PhD student living off a stipend and nothing more. Between that and my girlfriend's income, we live decently in the city we're in, but there's not much room for this kind of responsibility financially. It took a toll on me, I got really depressed, and started struggling

with insomnia. I guess where it all took a big turn. My girlfriend was supportive at first, and even when I was dealing with that, she understood. I've done my best to keep her out of it, which is why I started sleeping on the couch to not disturb her with my tossing and turning. Eventually, I just gave up on sleep altogether and started going on night drives. She was aware of this and didn't have issues, but eventually I started to be gone for hours and she started to get worried. Understandable, I guess. We had a talk about it last month, and I explained what I usually do to her in hopes of clearing her mind. This is the part of the situation I admit is difficult to explain. Basically, after I've been going on these night drives for a while, there was one night where I came across a young woman crying outside a gas station.

I felt bad for her and had nowhere to be, so I stopped to see if she was okay. Turns out she was a minor, 16, and had a bad home situation. I offered to give her a ride somewhere because that part of the town, or really any at 3am, isn't safe for an underage girl to be walking around and she hesitantly accepted. I drove her to some house on the other side of town and that was all there was to that specific interaction. The girl was obviously nervous the whole time as I guess any teenage girl would be in a strange man's car but I just wanted to help and it felt good seeing her relief when I took her where she wanted to go. So basically after that I started driving around

at night and looking for other girls slash women that were by themselves and might need a ride. It took a while to actually find someone which which I guess is good, but eventually I did and it just kind of became a night hobby where I could drive around and give these girls rides wherever I could find them, especially on the poorer side of town. I started to do this regularly. I could admit it's a weird thing and a lot of people may wonder why I didn't just Uber or something, but this isn't the same. I specifically enjoyed helping people I felt actually needed it and I got this unexplainable enjoyment out of seeing them go from anxious to relieved every time they got out of my car. I explained it to my girlfriend, and she said it sounded predatory,

and I was confused because I never touched any of the girls, especially since several of them were underage, and I'm not like that. She said it didn't matter if I did or not, though, and it was inherently predatory and weird. We had a big argument, but eventually made up, and I agreed to stop going on night drives altogether. This was about a month ago and things were awkward the entire time, but we lived together fairly peacefully until earlier this week. I ran into some unexpected financial trouble and I needed new tires and it put me in a bind with taking care of my dad and all. I ended up having to take on more credit card debt to get everything done. And after that, I was stressed and ended up doing another night drive. I didn't even pick up any girls, but my girlfriend was waiting for me when

I got home at about 5am and we got in a big fight. She thinks I've been doing it again. I haven't even pick up any girls, but my girlfriend was waiting for me when I got home at about 5 a.m. And we got in a big fight. She thinks I've been doing it again. I haven't, by the way. This is my first drive in all that time. And she ended up leaving to go save with her sister. Basically, she said she's willing to work things out, but I need psychiatric help and to stop preying on vulnerable women, even if I think it's harmless as a means of coping. I am seeing a therapist, so I don't know what else to do. I don't see that earlier behavior as predatory at all.

Haven't done it in like a month anyway. She doesn't believe me. What more can i do besides continuing therapy yikes um okay is it predatory i think that's sort of like the big question that we need to sort of like talk about and then we can branch out from there i don't think it's predatory do i think it's a good idea no no not at all i think it's a very sweet sentiment i i think it's it your heart is in the right place i think you know all those things like those feelings of of uh you're in a bad place and being able to help other people is is a very common thing it's it's something you know like if i'm ever in a bad mood being able to like help someone puts me in a much better mood it that's just how a lot of

us work and i understand that but it's one uh dangerous for you and two it's dangerous for these women as well even though you're not doing anything to them again i want to reiterate i don't think this is predatory i don't think that i don't know because he's specifically like he's looking for a very specific type of person sure you know he's not saying he's helped like he's not helping men for example that's kind of weird it is I'm not saying it's not weird and I'm not saying it's not well I think they're

like like I get where you're coming from like he's not preying on them in terms of like he's not doing anything but it is almost predatory in the way he's hunting them i think in order to be predatory i think there needs to be a like a negative outcome for another person right like that like if you think about like prey and predator it goes badly for the prey in this case it does not go badly for the women in fact they are much better off because of him but he

also like and again i'm not really disagreeing with you here because I don't really know how to put it into terms. But like the fact that he seems very much to enjoy that they are uncomfortable and then have relief, you know what I mean? I know it's like it's kind of a weird. I see that more of like a like he's restored a little bit of humanity as opposed to being like i have manipulative control over their emotions i think it's more of being like they were expecting me to be shitty and when they realized i wasn't shitty they felt relief and like i get that you know what i mean like i do get that i i like being that guy at night like if someone's walking and instead of like being behind them you like cross the road or you hurry in front of them in a way that's non-scary.

It is nice to be like, hey, there you go. I helped ease your mind. So I do understand some of it as well. It is just weird. That's the thing. I think one, my big concern is I'm not concerned about you doing anything to these women. I assume that if you're not that kind of person, you're not that kind of person and you're not going to do anything to them. So that's not what I'm concerned about.

What I'm concerned about is you are now going and picking up middle or underage women off of the street. And all it really takes is and I like I don't want to go this route of like false accusations. Well, I think it's just like even even without that, like, what if a cop pulls you over? They're like, who's this? Oh, just some random girl. Okay. Why is she in your car? I don't know.

I saw her. Why are you out here? Oh, I drive around looking for underage women. Huh? Like, how do you explain that? I think it puts you in a wildly unnecessary, precarious place. Should anyone start asking questions or any number of reasons like what if this woman is used to being abused and thinks that there is like a quid pro quo sort of situation and

she goes to make a move on you and like then you have to you know like there's there's any number of ways this could play out and it could be very very bad for you yeah so like what if the address she gave you isn't home but it's somewhere she's running away to where maybe something happens and then you're now involved, right? Or, and this one's pretty big for me, you're an insomniac and you're driving and that's not safe. Yeah. I mean, how long have you gone without sleeping?

For sure. What if you crash and you kill your passenger? Yeah. Like there's just so much bad stuff and like your girlfriend's not really in the wrong in that it is harmful behavior in all the ways you listed like maybe it hasn't gone wrong yet but the potential is so high and like it is kind of a strange thing to do and if it is an altruistic like need you can fulfill that in a lot more normal ways yeah and like the thing is like when you're going

through trauma like this i understand that when something just kind of appears without you having to work for it like he stumbled into this you know what i mean and that tends to be like we we look at those things as like a sign or you know a glimmer of hope in darkness that we latch on to when we think that like it there's a lot more weight and importance to it than perhaps there should be. So, like, I get it from both sides of things. I think you need to stop doing this. I agree with your partner and girlfriend. I agree.

You do need to stop doing this. The risks are bad. But on the flip side, that last drive you did, you didn't pick anyone up so she also needs to believe you and trust you is that just because he didn't find anyone though who knows who knows but i'm going to take this guy at his word you know me because like yeah no i know i'm just like i'm saying i understand where she's coming from if you have this like strange addiction that you said you wouldn't do you've kind of broken that promise. So I could understand her maybe not fully believing that you didn't do it. I would really be interested to know if he's brought this up

with the therapist. Yes, that's that's kind of the the important thing. And that's kind of where I want to sort of like answer the question is, are you just talking to your therapist about the problems with your dad? Or are you talking about like not being able to sleep and, you know, going on these drives and your inclination to help these women? And like, are you unpacking all that? Because I think that is going to get you far more progress and far more answers than just being like, it sucks. Money is hard. My relationship is bad. My dad is dad is sick like i don't think that's going to open as many doors for you than talking about what you're doing because of those things yeah and like also i'm sure a lot of these women got in the car because they were terrified if

you're alone and you're underage and a man pulls up in the car and is like get in like that's maybe people are getting in because they feel pressured and that's a terrible position to put people in even if it makes you feel better or even if they do get home safely so i think even that it's like unless every single person got in the car i'm sure like i'm sure there weren't and even the ones that did i'm sure not all of them got in willingly and happily especially if they're super anxious in the back so it's like all the help that you might be doing you're also harming for everyone who said no you terrified them and for half the ones who said yes probably if not more yeah so i i think i think your girlfriend is right i think

you do need to stop doing this you know these night rides in terms of like going around and picking up women i think you as now said absolutely talk to your therapist about your inclinations to do these things and why you do them and how that all plays into everything you're dealing with as well. And then I think you need to have a conversation with your partner and be like, look, I have promised you that I'm not going to pick these women up anymore. There might be times where I, you know, I get so anxious because I can't sleep that I do need to go for a ride. And you need to trust me that if I,

if I've told you that I'm not going to be doing these like drive, like pickups anymore, that if I'm going for a drive, you have to trust me. And I think those are like the three key things of being like, no more pickups, talk to your therapist, get your partner on the same page as you and them willing to trust you.

Because if they're not going to trust you about this anymore, then the trust of the relationship is gone. Yeah. But you also need to be trustworthy. Sure. Yes, absolutely. And then I think it's like, find a way to scratch that itch. That's not so problematic. Yeah. There's any number of places that you can volunteer. You can reach out to like if you if this thing of like helping women in need, reach out to the local women shelter and be like, hey, what supplies do you need? Can I do because like usually men aren't allowed to volunteer and work in those shelters, but you could be a courier. You know what I mean? Like you can go and pick up clothes. You can go and pick up clothes you can go and pick up donations you can go and just sort of be like a mule for them and be like cool i'm gonna go and to the depot or the

food bank or whatever and pick up the things you need and bring them in and like i feel like that's more or less the same thing you're still going to get that altruistic uh that need and and that itch to be scratched but without putting yourself at risk uh it'll be far more legitimate and you're not going to make anyone feel uncomfortable by doing it. My dad recently signed up to do a thing where he is essentially, he offers his time for free to bring cancer patients to chemo and back because obviously you can't drive after cause you're so fucked up. What a legend.

Your dad's great. Yeah, I know. It was really like very sweet when i found out but not surprising because he is a lovely man um and i imagine that's a very hard thing to do i can't imagine like i i don't imagine it's easy to be around people who are like dealing with such hard things and not feeling well but i also know if i was in the car with my dad going to something like that i would be far happier when i got there when i got home so i think it's lovely

but you could do something like that like there are so many options out there and it's like i really i assume that it is coming from a good place and i get it in a lot of ways but at the same time so many things can go wrong with this and you could do so many better things instead so your girlfriend's not really in the wrong yeah um do better there's also i know there is um depending on the state you're in uh in terms of like legality but i know that there is also services that uh help women drive into uh abortion clinics and like planned parenthood and something like that so that like they're not using their cars kind of situation and for people who don't have cars and aren't don't feel safe like walking in it's a it's an extra the assholes who often stand outside and like yell abuse and intimidate and

all that so you can do better things and you should do those all right hit me or do you want me to keep going i got a bunch no i got one i want to do okay how do you ask people out on apps so it's funny i was actually hanging out with my boy and the other day and he enjoyed the joke he did he said hey that's a pretty good twist it's not not me but it was all right thanks Sam I'm sad I missed him you know what I'm sorry that we hung out without you I know wait what's that sorry one of our producers are saying people don't believe we were hanging out with a man that he wasn't they don't think he was on the episode. It's so annoying that people are like, like, look, I know we joke about things, but there are times that like nine times out of 10, the jokes are obvious.

And the one time where we like, actually, like, we don't lie to you guys. No. Okay. Hold on. They want me to prove it. Okay. I guess I'll put a picture up of me and M. Night Shyamalan. But like it's a weird precedent to say.

They're not listening. Fucking producers man. It's so weird that you have to like prove that you're friends with me. It would be like if every week. We have to post a picture of us recording the podcast. We look look we're doing it. Yeah. What's next a picture of us James McAvoy and his cum box.

Yeah it's the thing that like. Upsets me is like. Yeah. But what's next? A picture of us, James McAvoy and his cum box. Yeah. It's the thing that like upsets me is like, we never want to leverage our relationship with him, especially because he is, you know, famous. Like he's a well-known person. Yeah.

Like we don't want to feel like we're using his, his reputation and celebrity to get clout. Yeah. Well, that's why we waited so long before bringing them up. Yeah. Yeah. Every now and then we couldn't help it.

He's our boy, but you know, Hey people, am I right? Producers? Am I right? We've got 19 of them since we hit the big time. That's so many. I don't even think they do anything. 19 producers. I know I've lost it.

I've stopped counting. How many are living in your house right now? Cause I've got seven just next door. Three are on holidays, which is good. Speaking of things living in my apartment, I have so many fruit flies right now and it's pissing me off. That's it. Okay, we're getting back into the show. Did you wine trap them? I'm currently wine trapping them. Okay. It works a charm. Also, I think boiling water in the sink. Anyway, come on, hit me. This is level key in a bunch of numbers. Need hookup advice. I'm losing my V v card so i am 19 and an

attractive as fuck woman on social media and our hours long conversations went to that point and we are seeing each other on friday at my place to maybe do it i'm more excited compared to anxious but i do not want to screw this up this is my first time doing it i really just need some advice on stuff like setup the process and then what happens after. I would like to know, what should I set my room up like? Obviously, I'm going to clean it to the point where it is spotless, but should I add some cool stuff?

When I open the door and we settle down, should I put something on like a romantic Netflix scene? Should I take a tactical wank to settle the nerves so I don't come too quick? I know that sounds weird. Just some general advice for sex. What do I do after?

I'm already preparing for the post-nut clarity that makes me regret life. Jesus. Why did I think this was a woman up until you said wank? I don't know. I mean, it could still be a woman, but I assume it's a man. Yeah, weird. So, so many thoughts. Basically, I wouldn't advise starting at your place,

especially not like the, the means and how you guys met or suspicious as bet. And I, like, I don't know if it's just because you didn't go into details or whatever, but like meeting an attractive woman online and talking to each other. Like, did you meet on a dating app?

Yeah. I assume it was a dating app but but he says on social media oh yeah so in general and this happened to me the very first tinder date i went on was a very attractive woman who messaged me and was like and at this point i had uh i'd sprained my ankle because apparently i like to fuck my ankles up as soon as i home i was playing bloodborne and or maybe it was I was playing something. And basically they were like, hey, I can come over. And like, I'm a horny, I'm a horny ass guy. And I definitely wanted that.

But I was like, what if they get there and they're not who they say they are? I don't like them. And then they're in my place and all these things which you should be wary of. So I was like, no, i'll meet you down the road for a beer if you want so we went to a pub we hung out they were cool then we went back and fucked and it was great but like if they're in your house it's kind of too late if they suck or if they're weird or if it's a scam or all these things right so don't start also for them they'll feel better meeting at a place yeah yes. Yes. And like, be smart.

Like if a really attractive woman shows up on Instagram and messages you and it's like, hey, I want to fuck you. Like maybe be suspicious. And like Niall said, meet in a public place. Make sure you're not getting scammed. Make sure this isn't like a five or like a six, five, you know, dude who's going to fucking beat the shit out of you and take your kidneys and, you know, do, do your due diligence of vetting.

So that right off the bat, I'll go through the bullet points. Okay. Go on. Hit me with the next one. What should I set my room up with? Obviously I'm going to clean it so that it's spotless, but should I add some cool stuff?

Dane, I would give every cent we've earned on this podcast to warp this person into my room right now and be like, what do you mean by that? What in your mind is cool stuff? Is cool stuff. Because like one person's cool stuff is the complete opposite for another's. And if you're trying to be performatively cool,

I think you make it even worse. just i want to fucking know there's two problems with this one saying you're going to clean your room to a spotless level that's weird i like to keep my apartment clean especially when i know i'm having people over but i don't make it to the point where it looks like i'm showing it for a apartment rental. You know what I mean? I think it's weird when I go into someone's place and it doesn't look lived in for sure.

And like, I don't think it's the worst crime. I definitely, I might be like, huh, but it wouldn't really affect me too much. But if there's a little hint of personality and you, and again,

it is like, cause the thing is there's messy, there's tidy, there's clean and there's dirty. Nothing can be dirty. Let's get that straight. Then there's botless. Clinical. Yeah. But like, if your place is clean, well, it has to be clean.

It has to be fucking clean. It can't be dirty. And then it should be tidy enough. And then you're good. Then that's it. And, you know, you don't need to do that thing where you like take all your fucking personality and hide it away because you're terrified of them knowing what you're like unless you got some really weird shit but that's that's up to you as for cool shit i i have a

really really cool um cloud strife from final fantasy 7 with the motorcycle that he rides at the end of the midgard section um and it's fucking sick it's a cool like model toy thing that i have on prominent display in my apartment and a lot of people have been like like i've had people and be like you just had like that's really nerdy i'm like uh yeah it's fucking kick-ass though so it's there um and like if that's the cool shit like if you have cool shit that you think is cool, have it out. Yeah, there's no there's no harm in it. I would say as an adult man, if you have a bunch of like cart, like anime, like posters, like there's a difference between posters of women.

Yeah. It's a bunch of women in lingerie on your walls. I think like, what are you doing? I don't think there's any call for that posters in general i think when you're not a child when you start having sex it's time to retire posters and you get frames i don't care art and you get stuff again i don't think you should have a framed picture of a woman in lingerie yes i i think that is just in general i think if you have like saucy photos of women, unless they are art, like I have,

there's a, there's a picture of someone that I see. And she has a picture of, it's like a woman who's like bent over. It's an illustration. It's not a real woman. And it's like her and sort of like doggy style position, just being like,

I need space. And she's in like a like a cosmo thing and like it's sexual but it's fucking cool you know what i mean yeah i'm sure you can tell the difference between that and like you getting a page out of maximum sticking on your wall you know what i mean i think like you can be smart about this shit without being overshooting and trying to make things so clinical. Bringing in fake cool shit, that's not going to work. So once you make your shit look

like you're an adult and you're not a creep, you're fine. Yeah, get frames. And again, I want to circle back to the, I don't care if you have anime posters. What I'm saying is don't have posters. Frame it. Measure out what that poster is. Get a frame for it. You don't have to go get it

framed because that's expensive as fuck yeah go to walmart go to ikea pick up frames that fit your shit we'll give you well don't ask frames dollars not even like huge ones but yeah it all depends what you have right if you have a small piece of art or something as well either way a little bit of professionalism goes a long way yeah the difference between having uh unframed stuff on your walls and having framed stuff on your walls completely changes the space and makes your your space look a little more adult and that is what people want when they're having sex with you for sure and again your cool stuff if you think it's cool leave it out have some books great or not if you don't read i guess but there's that one quote that says never to fuck someone if they don't have bucks and i agree with it when i open the door and we

settle down should i do something like put a romantic netflix scene on so the good thing is you've nailed it um what you need to do is find one of those like five hour loops of a romantic netflix scene on youtube um get it on and just keep that going. Right? The part in Fifty Shades of Grey where they're on the boat. They look at each other. The part from Friends with Benefits with Justin Timberlake. And they look at each other. Obviously, this is... There's one movie.

One movie that you play. It's Patrick Dempsey's Maid of Honor. No, this is a fucking insane thing what are you talking about hey can you sit down while i scrub through netflix to play a romantic scene i assume he means a romantic movie and if that's the case also no it's richard grier's shall we dance no it's also no like hey i'm going over this guy's house to bone oh we got in but i'm made of honor like no like there's nothing romantic happening here and again there could be but like that's not the vibe that's been established i will say do not sit in silence

have them in put some music on here okay have them in have music already on well yeah and offer them a drink yes that's i was gonna say that and i was like oh if they don't drink but whatever it could be a tea that's it anything honestly if you don't drink that is a conversation starter right make them a kick-ass virgin cocktail and be like hey i don't drink but I make awesome virgin cocktails or mocktails or zero proof. I've got a great tea selection or I've got 18 juices or I have some booze

in case you drink. I will say tea's probably not good because it's going to take a while to brew and it's going to be hot so it's going to take a while for them to drink it. There's also nothing sexy about tea. Tea is like cozy and... Shut your mouth. You shut your mouth. Let's have a little pre sexy about tea. Tea is like cozy. You shut your mouth. No one's like, oh, you shut your mouth.

Let's have a little pre-sex tea. It's fucking weird. Pre-sex tea is incredible. But you know, that's it. In music, again, if it's already playing, it's less weird. And that's it. Now, some other moves you can pull is get them to pick the playlist you have music on and be like once the song is done you pick the next song and now you're getting a little vibe

of like what they're into they're feeling a little more comfortable because they're putting a song that they can vibe to yeah um i love playing like back and forth picking songs playing you can put on a song you'd be like oh i love this song because and then you have a reason to tell a story and then you can kind of encourage them to put on a song that makes them think of like their favorite vacation and then they can tell you you know what i mean it's like it's it's so much fun and you have an excuse to like hop from cool story to cool story to cool story yeah also you're sharing a lot about yourselves not only through the stories but through the songs and it's a bonding moment and it gives you something to talk about.

And then when you're ready to make your move, you'd be like, bam, this song just makes me want to make it. Or, you know what I mean? Like you put your like your. That's when you throw on Seabat. Then you throw on your sexy song and you're like, this is it. This is my like jam song. And you can even. Cute and be like,

this song makes me want to kiss you. Boom. Boom. Unless it's a really shit song. Should I take a tactical wink to settle the nerves so I don't come too quick? Depends on your dick. If you are in risk of taking a tactical wink and then not getting it up later on, do not. Things like this, I feel like you're setting yourself up for failure because

you're already presupposing so much stuff right you're you're assuming you're going to come too quick you're assuming that you have the the you know sexual stamina to to jerk off now and be fine later and you've never done this before you don't know so nerves are already going to be a a part of things and adding in so many variables this early on is a bad idea i say go in you know fresh go in the way that you are and and see how you feel and for god's sake i hope they know it's your first time there's nothing i mean i don't know i'm torn on this because like one it's sort of like you can give a heads up and be like, at least then if you're fumbling with the condom or, you know, you're about to come too soon,

you can be like, hold on. I need a second. You feel really good. You know, like there, there's a reason for it as opposed to like hiding it or waiting until you do come quickly and be like,

sorry, it's my first time. Or getting super embarrassed and weird and defensive and never admitting to it. And then the situation's just bad. And like, whatever. If you come too early, you come too early. You could just be like, I'm sorry. I was too excited or you felt too great.

And like, make sure you then continue to look after them. And they're going to probably get it unless they suck. So the next point is general sex advice. We have 245 episodes for you to listen to. Yeah. Go listen to those. We're not going to go over over that but i think now i'll hit the nail on the head if you come too quick sex is not done when you finish sex is done when everyone is satisfied or at least you've you've both tried your best to make sure that everyone is satisfied you know go down on them finger them figure it out no matter what it what happens no matter how it plays out, everyone should be leaving satisfied or at least satisfied in the like the notion that you tried your best.

I'm like, I'm sure if you do finish too fast, you're going to be worried that they're like disappointed or whatever. And what is better in your mind? Disappointed and sex ended and maybe the night ends or disappointed and then came very hard or like oh he he came early but then he worked really hard to make me come you've just set yourself above so many men so like take solace in that shit and don't get too hung up on that and hey you haven't had sex before you don't know how it's gonna go um and then finally what do i do after i'm already preparing for that post-nut clarity that makes me regret life. Hey, what does that mean?

It's a weird post-nut clarity, bro. I get it. Like, you know, when we jerk off and you see yourself staring at yourself in the monitor and you're like, maybe you've jerked off to something weird and you're like, I don't know. There's that shame that comes over everyone every now and then. That's fine. But like, man, I come and I'm like, ah, gotta go do something now. That's it. Like, I don't look, I don't feel that way, but I know that they're like, at least not

all the time. Sometimes like if I've, if I've fallen down a weird porn hole and I'm like, oh no, maybe, maybe not my proudest moment. You know, it's happened once or twice. In this case i think if this is a person you genuinely want to sleep with and you sleep with them and it's your first time you're gonna feel fucking elated you're not gonna feel sad and if you are going to feel sad and you have this sort of like you're not ready to have sex if you think that having sex with

someone regardless of who it is is is going to make you regret life. You have not come to terms with like sort of the emotional weight and responsibility that comes along with having a sexual relationship. Yeah. Regardless of how long it is, even if it's a one night stand with a random person you met online. If if you're going to have sex with that person and then feel so much shame and regret afterwards, then don't do it. Yeah. The thing is, our answers on what to do after are going to be predicated on you being worth being around after. Because if you're like, I hate life, I'm miserable, or whatever, my advice would probably be let them go.

Because they're not gonna want to hang out with you but my general advice would be you know cuddle a bit hang out have a snack maybe have another drink like that's it you know what my move is and i love doing it because it's a it's a win for me as well i love having something sweet like ready to go either like some ice cream or have some oreos or a popsicle can of coke or a beer beer's not sweet but it's fucking great i'd i'd probably i don't think i have any interest in drinking alcohol after sex but give me an ice cream sandwich one of the best beers i ever had i just finished having sex in nice i was like 15 walked out onto the balcony and had a beer while the sun

was setting and i was like it's the best fucking beer i've ever had well i mean that's that's different you have the exotic experience of being in nice um oh yeah no i don't you like if i'm at home i'm like me and my partner fuck i'm not having a beer i'm not having a coke though either because i don't usually have them at home but you know know, but I say, I think it's such a nice, like, I love being like, what sweet treat do I have waiting for me in the fridge or the freezer or in my cupboard that I can bring out and share with someone that I've just had great sex with. And then like,

I don't know, there's just like that dopamine that you get from having sex and then having a little like treat is it's such a nice little button on the end. And then you're also sharing something, right? Like there's a moment of like you, you get two spoons and you get your little thing of ice cream and you sit in bed together and you have you share ice cream and you share another moment right like you get to even if like you have a couple bites of ice cream and they're like i gotta go you shared

another moment outside of sex and like it's just it's, you know, forgive the pun, but like, it's a sweet moment. It's, it's nice. It's, and I think it's a, and like, also there's nothing better than getting like a cold treat after sex. It's true. Cause you're probably gonna be sweaty. Also like there's this, there's an intimacy and a lowering of walls and a, and a coming together literally and hopefully or figuratively and hopefully literally so like it it there can be some really nice moments of just like hanging

out and chatting and just being together after sex there's a level of confidence as well of being like you know finally coming and like i strongly recommend and suggest you don't rush to put your clothes on go stroll into the kitchen naked yeah get your treat come back naked and just like like there's there's a confidence of even if you're not super confident in your body there's a confidence in just being like you know some this person just had sex with you obviously they find you attractive you don't need to hide anything no so like just be yourself and like there's there's like a man when a woman gets out of bed after sex and they like walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water

or like go to the bathroom like that moment of watching them leave and watching them come back like oh oh and you could do that you could you could have that effect on someone else but you're also bringing a popsicle or ice cream like what better like visual to end a sexual encounter with than the person you just slept with walking and completely naked with two spoons and a thing of ice cream it sounds great so do that and don't overthink it i know it's probably way too late because you clearly already have a bit, but like don't overthink it. Yeah. Good luck.

I hope you have the best time. I hope this person hasn't. I hope you haven't woken up in a bathtub full of ice with many of your non-essential organs missing or your essential ones. Well, I assume that if your essential organs are missing, you're not waking up. You might wake up for a bit.

This is where we're pretty much done here, but I do want to talk about something. Someone introduced me to me the other day and I thought it was interesting. I'm kind of bored of Tinder, right? And I think we've, I think we've known that we're, we're doing different things um but someone introduced me to a new dating app have you heard of the league the league the show yes you're on the show i am on the show no it's a it's a dating app okay how is it what's new what's what is the deal with this so the league you actually have to apply there is a process in which your profile is vetted and there is a wait list. And they do that to maintain a balance between profiles.

Cool. Depending on whether you're a man or a woman or, or, you know, anything in the spectrum and what you're looking for in a partner or in terms of a partner, gender identity. And they,

they bring people in slowly, one at a time, so there isn't a deluge of things or of people. And then every day they show you three profiles. That's it. Just three? You can't endlessly swipe. You get three profiles and you either say yes or no to them. And then I'm assuming it's an algorithm that tries to like

fine-tune who you are interested in and also who might say yes to you um so i just got accepted into it um so i haven't really used it but every day at 5 p.m local time they sent you three profiles and you go through them and you you say yes or no And if both of you say yes, you match, you can talk. But then it looks like I haven't explored much because I literally just got accepted into it. But it looks like you can join groups and then create events for people local for those groups. So like I'm in a like a karaoke group.

So I could be like Toronto tonight tonight karaoke event for singles let's go and people can join i don't know how many people would show up for it but i am kind of tempted for you know the sake of the podcast next live show be like hey hey maybe i i think it's it's a really it's the first time i've seen a dating app do something unique well it sounds like they're putting in the effort so yeah that's cool um and as far as i again i've been on it for like four hours um but as far as i can tell right now there is no real push for monetization you get like a little bit of benefits like you can uh for for a paid thing you can send like a introduction note to people or you can push to guarantee that you'll be in their next stack. Yeah.

Which I'm like, okay, cool. Those are fine. But the nice thing is, is it doesn't seem like there's like the way that Tinder and Bumble and Hinge all sort of like hide your. Now, I need to know. You got your three today, right? Yes. You got them right here? Yep. Now, I will say I. You got your three today, right? Yes. You got them right here? Yep.

Now, I will say I have two user submitted profiles. Okay. So we got to get to them. But if you want, blast through these three real quick. Because I want to know, are they high quality? I'm imagining they're high quality. I got to say, they're not. Oh, no.

One doesn't have a profile at all. Perfect. The other one says, thoughtful and ambitious. College professor and a nurse travel and self-improvement journey balance of introvert and extrovert situation dependent let's have an adventure not the worst so generic though it's generic but like you know cool i give it like a six yeah because it's a step above nothing or blandness you know what i mean yeah um the other one is just uh i'm here to give another dating app a chance let the games begin oh my god like no that's bad i'll give that three yeah so that's

that's what i was given today okay all right now are you ready for our audience submitted questions uh yes or audience submit profiles uh this will be agent four um and they say about me social and energetic creative who also enjoys a good amount of wind down time, live music and singing, arts and architecture, food, culture, and trying new things, looking to find a genuine connection with someone who generally has their shit together and knows what they want. I'm a great plus one because you won't have to worry about me. I'll have your friends laughing in minutes. And if the event sucks, I'm an excellent escape artist. My personal hell is this right here, writing about myself, more of a conversationalist.

My zombie apocalypse plan is, what are we talking here? The Walking Dead style? Zombieland? Or The Last of Us? Very different approaches are required, and I truly hope it's not the latter. And then their other profile. My most controversial opinion is Mr. Brightside is the worst song ever made. I want someone who is a stand-up human,

can communicate honestly and openly, generally has their shit together, and wants to find a meaningful connection with the right person and unusual skills, falling asleep, sitting up at parties, and in moving theaters, hoping to add concerts to that stellar list. Why? Well, why not, I say. This is all the same person?

Yep, same person, two profiles. I have no problem with this. I think this is a a good profile you have the the one thing i don't like is the i hope you have your shit together it's it's a little accusatory and it's a little like it gives me vibes of like i don't know it's the only thing that i was like i don't like that but everything else it's kind of like that negative thing that we come down a lot where it's like i don't think there's a call for it because someone who doesn't have their shit together isn't gonna go oh i won't message this person

they don't care they don't have their shit together exactly i don't think i don't think that's going to dissuade anyone from being like i'm gonna ruin this person's life because if they're if they're in that state of mind they're not gonna listen to what you want yeah it doesn't matter it might turn someone who does have their shit together off because they might be like me i i mean i i don't like that i hate when people have the thing of being like this is you need to have your shit together because i'm like i don't need you to tell me whether i do or don't have my shit together like i'm i'm a pretty confident and i feel like i do have my shit together but i feel like i'm gonna have to justify that to you yeah also it's a very vague term so it's

like one person's shit together isn't someone else's and it could mean stuff i say take it out i don't think it's helping you yeah but everything else i think is is fine it's fun there's a there's some songs or like the the mr brightside thing actually made me laugh so i said things good the zombie things good the have your friends laughing in minutes an excellent escape artist is good. Great. Personal hell, writing about myself, more of a conversationalist. It's fine.

It's not my favorite. And I want someone who's a stand-up human, can communicate honestly, openly, generally has their shit together. Again, we already talked about that. I want to find a meaningful connection with the right person. I don't know if it's adding anything to your profile to say this. I will say that I assume that's a hinge. I think that hinge right yeah the hinge prompts aren't great and i understand why they would have this one concerning the other ones that they have so i'm not gonna hold this one against them i'm not mad at the prompt i'm more mad about the answer because like we've talked about this before like

of course you want someone to communicate honestly and openly we already talked about genuinely has their shit together is kind of negative and wants a meaningful connection with the right person it's like everyone wants those things really i don't think you're adding anything like i don't think that's a good point a big red flag but it's like i want someone who will fucking go for midnight cake with me is something you know what i mean or like who wants to go fall asleep the concert with me. Like that's personality and that's excitement and that's moving things forward. Whereas like this is just

you're saying generic things. I agree. So again, it's not like a red flag, but it is, I think you're losing an opportunity to gain. Yeah. To inject a little more personality.

Because the thing is, the rest is dripping personality and fun and it's a great profile. So I would give this like an 8, 9, a 9 probably. I'd give it a 9. I'd give it an 8. If you make our changes, it's a 9. Yeah.

So good job, Agent 4. And we got another one. Let me just load it up here. Get it loaded. So this is the profile of Agent Bandana. My love language is spending quality time with lots of laughter. Best travel story, getting lost in Naples and finding $5 Michelin star pizza. I know the best spot in town for a spicy margarita and that's it.

Yeah, I mean, there's no meat on those bones. There's nothing to chew on. There's nothing to like latch on to because I promise you, you're a spicy margarita. Like I'm not dying to be like, I got to know where that is. The closest thing I have to being like, I want to know more is the Naples, you know, cheap Michelin star pizza. But again, like it's, it's a good story, but I feel like you've almost given the whole story in the description.

You know what I mean? Yeah. given the whole story in the description you know what i mean yeah so i like i think your love language as tempting as it is to put your actual love language in i think it works better if you put in a joke give me something a little more abstract than words of affirmation or whatever they said they said something along the lines of like quality time or something spending quality time with lots of laughter and like yeah everyone wants that yes exactly it's the same thing we just said that's so generic i get it but that's why it's generic because i get it everybody gets it your love language is you know someone who knows the

perfect snack pairing for my favorite movie you know like that something anything like something that gives me rosé in the park reading at sunset you know yeah boom that's that's evocative that's and i'm not saying to use that if that's not but like what's the thing about you that's personal that you love like imagine what you would love to do with a potential partner and put that in because quality time spending laughter like that's so boring. It's it's normal. It's it's a very normal thing. The gang lost in Naples finding five star Michelin pizza. I am again.

I like it, but I worry there's not enough meat on those bones. And I will say the best spot in town for spicy margarita is kind of bland as well. Also, yeah, kind of boring. I like I just I don't know anything about you. I've gotten no information about you whatsoever. So I think you need to reshuffle the prompts that gives you an opportunity to pitch yourself. Yes. Because none of these things, I don't mind, leave the Naples.

Cool. I know you travel. That's enough there. Yeah. I know you're willing to travel. I know you're willing to like roll with the punches and get lost. And I know that you can look on the bright side of things when it all ends well. Also, foodie vibes, right?

Yeah. You're eating Michelin pizza. I love it. And then I would say, scrap the other two prompts. Don't try to fix them. There's got to be something that you're about. Yeah. And based on this profile, I wouldn't even be able to guess what it is yeah and that's

the problem i know nothing about what you like i know nothing about your personality your hobbies your passions your loves your you know and that's what you want right it's like you played it so safe get a little dangerous yeah i've got no reason to say yes to you as opposed to anyone else on the app right now. And I want that hook. I want to linger on your profile a little too long and be like, ooh, maybe, maybe. And then I want to read your profile and then be like, oh, that's good. But right now, there's nothing there to, like, I'm going to scroll through that. I'm going to be able to read this profile in 30 seconds and make a choice and be like, it is me.

Yeah. And that's, and that's bad. We want more of you on there. And that's, yeah. Yes. So take a second,

do a clean sweep, keep your Naples. That's fine. Get rid of the other prompts or add in a few more prompts to give more of you figure out what makes you special, figure out what makes you unique, figure out what makes you, uh, unique, figure out what makes, uh,

you happy. What makes you tick? What's unique about you? What you might want to do with a potential partner? Like these are all good prompts to, to work on your prompts and like, don't do things that aren't true either. Like if we say something about Rose in a park,

you don't put that down. If that's not what you're into. And if you're self-conscious and you're not sure what to project, ask your friends, message your friends and be like, Hey, if you could like sum me up, what would it be? Like, what are, what are some things when you think of me, what are the things that you like pair with? Cause like for me, if I, if I go to my friends and be like, Hey, what's my vibe? People are going to say cats, podcasts, karaoke, right?

Like that's, those are like the big things that like people are gonna say cats podcast karaoke right like that's those are like the big things that like people probably assume what what go with me or like they associate with me maybe an ad in like cocktails or something right like or wings profile says i'm a cat that does karaoke podcast and it's very confusing but at least then you get like a sense of like what the the third you know the outside observer sees you and it's coming from people who love you. So it's going to be a positive thing. And so take that information, filter it and be like, cool. This is, if that's what people, if that's what I project naturally, that's what I want

to project through my profile with a little bit more, a little bit more glam, you know, feel free to like, you know, sprinkle a little bit of that love dust on it, you know, but like, don't be afraid to put yourself out there because like, you know, sprinkle a little bit of that love dust on it. Juice it up, you know. Juice it up. But like, don't be afraid to put yourself out there because like, if you're afraid to put yourself in your profile, I'm worried you're afraid to put yourself out there for, you know, beyond that. So you're amazing and you just got to show people what's amazing about you. Give people the opportunity to see that. Exactly. And I think that should do us.

I'm not even going to do a bad text writing because we only answered two questions and that might be our longest episode ever we got to get the fuck out of here because i don't want to edit longer and we still have another episode to record holy shit i was just about to say if two episodes was or two questions was not enough for you this week hop onto our patreon because we're just about to do another episode for this month and you got like what 23 other episodes that's almost a half year of content it's crazy half your regular content so head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com click the patreon link it'll bring you over there at the middle tier you'll get access to not only this month's episode of pillow talk, which is our Patreon podcast. Uh,

it also gives you all of the backlog of it as well. So you have so much to, to indulge in and to enjoy, and you'll get to like, it's just like, see all the crazy shit we've talked to you. Cause we've done some weird ones on there. We have done some weird ones,

but we're, we're about to go do another weird one right now. So thank you very much for listening. We appreciate you. We love you. Yeah. It's going to be no bad sex ring ones, but good ones. And we're about to go do another weird one right now. Yeah. So thank you very much for listening. We appreciate you. We love you. Yeah. It's going to be no bad sex writing today, but thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvard City for their song Paper Stars.

And fucking stay safe out there, guys. Mwah. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Spade. We've been your fuck buddies. Thank you.