F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 253 - Busting Guys and Frenulums

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

If you're going to tell me a joke or have sex with me, I beg you... please be gentle.  My gut and my frenulum are prone to busting.  Topics include the inevitability of being cheated on, catching feelings is a no, bringing a plus one on a date, the masturbation danger, the fragility of the banjo string, roleplay 101, not ready for a relationship (with you).

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we answer top, but, whoa. Whoa. We answer questions on the topics of sex and dating that we find either online or from our incredible listeners or from our wonderful audience members at our live shows. And we answer them right here, right now, or on stage, or on Patreon, in a lot of different places, really. And I would like to say thank you to everyone who came out to our last live show. And it was a blast. Yes.

Thank you very much. We love you. If you're a new listener from the live show, as one or two of you threatened to be, more welcome. Thank you. Even more hellos. Even more hellos. This is the second hello right for you thank you for coming out thank you for listening we love you in their honor should

we just get right into it just get into the dirty business i think we should let's do it you ready yep this is a deleted user and they said my 25 year old female boyfriend 25 year old male says most men cheat or want to. My boyfriend will tell me he can predict the future and that maybe someday he might make a mistake or exercise his options and cheat on me in the future. In his eyes, it isn't cheating because he doesn't love them but only loves me. He says that every man, no matter the commitment, desires other women. That's why they watch porn or eventually cheat on their significant other. He named multiple people we personally know because cheating is common amongst men because they're biologically wired that way

i fought against him and said not every man is the same but to tell the truth i'm losing hope he says he tells me because he knows i'm strong enough to know the truth and that it may not even happen but he wants to know if i will always be there and if i love him i will stay with him no matter what there's so much wrong in everything that this guy is saying first and foremost men are not wired to cheat nope there is certainly a societal expectation and pressure for and allowance for men to be you know uh unfaithful if you look at like historically because of the structure of marriage and stuff like that uh men could be uh indulged in infidelity and really not suffer any consequence because it would usually pan out worse for a woman to leave a man in a marriage than it would

be for a man to be divorced if that makes. So like there is some sort of societal and socialization truth to that a little bit, but I believe that was more, way more in the past than now. Yeah. And I believe that like the, the cheating statistics are fairly like down the middle. I have no idea,

but I definitely, out of the people I know have not seen a trend where men do it more. And also, very few people I know cheat on their partners because I don't hang out with assholes. So, according to a general social survey, 20% of men and 13% of women report having sex with someone other than their partner. Okay. Well, all men, you heard it okay well all men you hear to hear all men are wired that's a hundred percent right there a hundred percent so fuck what was there was another thing in there that oh so the the whole like oh men are always going to desire

another person that isn't necessarily incorrect like it's impossible to shut off the part of your brain that finds people attractive yeah right that's also on both sides of the scale here yeah exactly like when you're in a relationship it doesn't mean that like if you recognize that someone is attractive or find someone attractive or even fantasize about them while you masturbate that's not cheating no if if you start developing and like start projecting that onto your partner like if you start imagining having sex with them while you're having sex with your partner i think you enter into the the troubling and sort of murky waters of emotional infidelity or even just like starting to like flirt with another person. If you think that they're attractive,

I think that's like a much different thing, but just finding someone attractive or watching porn and being like, damn, she is fucking hot. And I am going to now imagine I was having sex with her. That's not cheating. No. And also again,

it's not just a man thing. That's also women. This person sucks shit. Yes. And they're just, they're really just essentially saying i'm gonna cheat on you but when they do it they're gonna be like we had a conversation i explained but i told you you were strong enough to handle the truth that line we gotta love that he's trying

to be like no baby you're special you're strong that's why i'm being honest with you unlike those other women out there like it's it's abuse 101 he's trying to like compliment you into being like no this guy's cool or this is okay or no this guy fucking sucks this is not what men do or are hardwired to do there is no excuse and like someone saying this shit to you is either so fucked up societally that they believe it or or they're actively planning to do this. And they're just trying to like, fuck you up enough that you'll put up with it. Also the,

the line of, uh, Oh, it's not cheating. Cause I don't love them. Oh yeah. No, that's specifically not what cheating is.

Yeah. It doesn't matter how you feel emotionally about a person. If you are in a monogamous relationship and you have, you know, establish yourself as exclusive and then have sex with someone other than the person you are in a monogamous relationship with, you've cheated. It doesn't matter whether you love that person.

It doesn't matter whether you don't love your partner anymore. It like none of those things matter. What matters is you're with a person monogamously, and then you have had sex with someone outside of that relationship. Yeah, you've broken the relationship rules you guys have agreed on and that you thus cheated and you suck. So unless you're very cool with your partner hooking up with other people, I would dump this fucker.

Yes, I think you should leave this person. Usually we suggest, suggest like have a conversation about blah blah blah but this sounds like this person has made up their mind yeah and i feel like a conversation with this person will just be them being like yeah but i can't tell the future yeah literally i can't literally he's gonna be like no i didn't say i would i'm just saying how can i know the future like no one knows one knows the future. It's impossible. Bro, like, oh my god, you're taking this so seriously. You're so dramatic. I'm just saying it's impossible.

Yeah, fuck off. Yeah, I don't think it's worth trying to salvage a relationship with someone who is actively telling you that... Trying to manipulate you and lie to you and has, like, at best, they have really fucked up views and actually believe this shit. At worst, they have really fucked up views and actually believe this shit.

At worst, they're calculating a way to try to cheat on you and not have you be annoyed at them. And both of those options suck. Yep. So get out of there. This is no pirate. 9308. If there's no pirate, I don't want to fucking even know.

No pirate. This is another one that has a bunch of typos as how knit catch feelings for a casual hookup presumably how to not catch feelings for a casual if they meant that they would type that dude so they are 18 year old male okay so i 18 year old male just had sex with this guy for the first time yesterday it was my my first time, and my God, it was amazing. We did it three times with a span of three hours. But in between, we would cuddle, but he would hold my hand and do the thumb thing as well as kiss my hand.

Before we started having sex, he asked me what my middle name was, and we just got to know each other a little. This made me extremely comfortable around him. He would massage my neck, play with my hair, rest his head on my shoulder while we laid together, and not gonna lie, I'm low-keykey a hopeless romantic and have already been having thoughts about him in a romantic sense we plan on getting together again on wednesday and hopefully more than after

that if i do catch feelings for him i'm scared they won't be reciprocated so i'd rather not have these feelings develop on the side note how do i go about not catching real feelings for him i don't think that's the thing you can just decide not to do also you're like this would be one thing if you guys entered into this sexual relationship being like hey this is casual yeah if i don't want anything with him being like oh we hooked up blah blah and then afterwards he said hey i don't want anything but sex are you cool with it and i said yes that would be a different question and this one it's like they never said that so the door is still there like the door could be opened so if you just fucking decide to go through with this and try to like i don't have feelings i don't know like one you're gonna act fucking weird two you're gonna be miserable and three

that person might develop feelings and then be like actually this person's fucking weird i'm not gonna go through with it and then it's just lose lose all around you've decided that you don't want to catch feelings and the only reason you don't want to catch feelings is that you're scared that he might not feel the same way yes in the future that is just how relationships works that's just how romance works that's how feelings work like imagine if everybody ever was like hey i'm never going to develop feelings for someone because they might not feel the same way about you or me yeah hey i just went to a new i went to a new fucking climbing gym the other day and i met this cool person and fuck i don't want to be their friend because what if they don't want to be my friend so now i just blank them right like do we just sit in a void of repressing every emotion and like sort of the what makes life good and that

is like human connection and finding people that matter to you regardless of whether it's you know this person is your soulmate or this is just someone you have really great sex with and feel very comfortable with for a couple months a couple years like who knows how long this lasts and who knows what it could be but you are taking a fucking axe to the knee and just chopping it off before it even gets going and it makes no sense other than like i get it you're scared you're young i understand you've probably also been hurt before presumably like that's that's what i get the feeling of being like but like it's like yes we all have that's life and if you decide to take this approach you're fucking yourself up in so many ways and what do you do next time and like what literally what relationship are

you opening yourself up to one where the second you meet someone the second you start to feel feelings for them they magically go i have feelings for you and you go oh great this worked out miraculously because before i had the chance to tamp them down and pretend i didn't have them and sabotage this you somehow said the exact same time and also if they're saying it that early they probably suck or something's gone wrong like i don't know yeah so i think you found someone who could be great for you and again i'm not saying that just because you have these like lovey dovey kind of like butterfly feelings that it could be, you know, a lifelong love that you two spend together forever. or a couple of weeks or a couple more nights or one more night. Like it doesn't really matter the duration of it. It just doesn't make any sense to me to find something that was really special for you and then be like, I'm not allowing this because I'm scared.

Yes, that's stupid. And it's bad. You got to open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt because that is literally how life works. And how relationships work. Like that's, it's, I think we talked about it the other day. I don't remember what the question was, but like feelings and falling in love with people and developing feelings for people is allowing yourself to be hurt by them and trusting that they won't. And that's kind of it,

right? Like if you want to open yourself up you have to also take the the risk of being like hey this could go pad like poorly at some point in time it could go poorly almost immediately with him being like hey actually i'm not looking for a relationship right now i'm just looking for sex and that's all i want and yeah that's gonna be a kick in the teeth even then like it shouldn't be too much of a kick in the teeth because you just met this person yeah and one of the things i will say is on top of us saying yeah go with it and like embrace these feelings and you should be open blah blah blah i will give a little caveat and that's this is your first sexual experience it's very possible you're putting a lot of weight on this because it was a thing that happened to you and like you're

really diving into the granularity of certain actions at the time like the thumb thing not sure what that means um and like him asking about your middle name like these are all big weighty things and it's like maybe take a breath maybe take a step back but like that's just because you shouldn't plunge in the fucking deep end after sleeping with someone once. But that's a different question, and what's being discussed right here is should you cut off all feeling just because you're worried they don't know? That's fucking bullshit. Yeah. And you're just going to ruin your life if you do that, because why is this going to be different the next time and the time after that?

You're eventually going to have to learn to fucking open yourself up and take a risk or live a miserable life so you may as well open yourself up now will you get hurt maybe but it happens to us all and it's yeah you know it sucks but it is a part of living it is a part of learning and there's a part of opening yourself up and the trick is to not then shut close yourself off after that you brought up a very good point you need to sit down and think about like if you don't want to catch feelings for this person now what's the scenario in which you will allow yourself to develop feelings yeah right because like if it's if it's not after having a really nice sexual experience with someone and connecting with someone on a level like a deeper level than just sex like you know

with your conversation and you're cuddling and all that stuff if that's not the the time to do it are you then is it as now said before like are you going to wait until someone literally is like hi i have feelings for you yeah is that is that when you're allowed to do it or like like when when is the right time in your in your mind i would say arguably this is as good of a time as you can get yeah and it sounds like it went well it sounds like you like them and you it's not even like oh we're not going to see each other we may not it also sounds like they've already agreed to see you again yeah you have they have plans to see each other on wednesday and hopefully more after that. So things are about as perfect as anything could go.

So when else? Yeah. And there's no harm. Like, as now also said, like, take your time with these feelings. Yeah, it's very easy. You know, you get fucked really well. And all of a sudden you're like, oh, you start seeing stars and hard eyes, you know, like, I get it. That's okay.

But like, because you're young and it's your first time. Yeah. So take a moment, see this person a couple more times, get to know them, maybe do things other than just sex, go for a dinner or drinks or, you know, do a thing. If that, again, if that's what he wants as well, if he is just looking for sex, believe him. Don't think that you can change. Don't let this like, Oh oh i'm a hopeless romantic so

i'm going to be tortured by continuing sleeping with a guy who doesn't want a relationship but i want a relationship so instead i'm going to secretly repress all those emotions and and pine for him in secret and like that's also unfair to him as well as you so maybe have a conversation and be like hey you know you know, what's, what's the plan here? Is it like, are we just doing casual stuff? Like ask him out on a real date. And if he is like,

Oh, sorry, I'm like, I'm just kind of looking to hook up. Cool. You know that. And you have to agree. You have to be like,

okay, I'm fine with that. And if you're not fine with that, don't keep seeing them. Yeah. And that's it. It's that easy. And the thing is,

if he does not want a relationship, that's okay. That's no shame to you.'s it. It's that easy. And the thing is, if he does not want a relationship, that's okay. That's no shame to you. No shade. It's no, you know, don't take it personally. Yeah. Sometimes people aren't in that stage of their life. Sometimes you're just not a click for them for whatever reason. It's fine. That's a totally valid response. You then need to decide if you can continue to see this person without it destroying your life and breaking your heart and making you feel miserable. And again, be honest with yourself or as Dane said, don't see them anymore because you're just going to be suffering. So just take it easy. Take it slow. Listen to what he says. Listen to how you

feel and be honest with yourself. Like don't, don't try to force things one way or the other, either by repressing feelings that you are having or trying to, you know, go through with a relationship that isn't what you want just because you do have these feelings. Yeah, and allow for the fact that you're being overtaken by a lot right now. You know, you're young, first sexual experience, cool night. There's no harm in really analyzing if this is honestly something that you want or if you're just like going a little overboard.

All right. On the next one. I do. First date. Is it offensive to men when a woman brings a plus one? Is it scary to women when the man brings a plus one? Simply asking as I, 24 year old female, personally would find it rude in some form if I plan to go on a date with someone and a third party happened to show up.

Whether it's because you could be potentially assaulted or because you can't trust your own judgment. Either way, I don't think you should be dating if it's that much for you. I think it's different if it's agreed that it's okay before said date. But how would you feel if you were solo and your date brought someone else with them? I mean, I think it is universally understood that if you make a date yeah it is just you and the other person i don't i don't think i think everyone would agree that like yes showing up to a date with another person unannounced or on previously discussed i think that would be fucking weird and i think everyone kind of on a like a universal agreement of being like yeah that

would be weird yeah and i think you get away with it slightly more if as a woman if you're like i didn't feel safe or whatever where i feel like if you're a guy you just bring like dave like what are you doing well hey who says it has to be a lady or it has to be another guy maybe it's maybe you bring a second date it's also weird just yeah yes i think yeah i think like this is an easy one yeah it's it's weird i don't think anyone should do this without broaching the subject and it's like if for some reason you feel so unsafe that you feel like you need to bring someone maybe don't date yeah or don't go on a date with that person or don't go to that place exactly it depends on why

you feel this way but if it is the place or the person maybe you shouldn't be dating them or going there i once went on a date with a uh I matched with her and she was very attractive and I was very excited. And I went to, uh, what was the name of that place that had like, that was known for its mojitos. It should have been my first Casa dojo mojo, which should have been my first warning that she was very excited for mojitos because they are the worst drink. They are the worst drink.

Thank you. They're so bad. I love getting like a little strip of mint right up a straw into the back of my throat. Yum. It's disgusting. They're garbage to make. They're garbage to drink. I don't know why anyone likes them and you shouldn't like them either.

No one writes the colonel, I think was the name. Okay. Do you remember that part? Yeah. I do know. I didn't know it was a mojito. It was like they were known for the mojitos. Yeah.

I would never get the mojito, so that's fine. Exactly. Anyway, we had plans to hang out there and have a date there. And when I got there, it took me so long to find her. She was like, yeah, I'm already here. I was like, okay, cool. Because you're looking for a single person there was no women that were sitting by themselves and she had the back to me but i just see two women sitting at like a bench together so i was like okay yeah whatever and then eventually

i was just like hey i'm here i do not see you and she turned around she was like hey and i was like oh you've brought a friend and the whole date i was like i don't know if i'm supposed to be winning the friend over yeah enough for her to be like okay i trust you i'm gonna go now i don't know if i'm supposed to just ignore the friend like i didn't know what what the protocol or the play was of being like i don't know and then at one point in time they were like talking about people that i didn't know so then i was just kind of like chilling i was like i don't hey i can't talk about how silly adrian is because i don't know who the fuck adrian is oh adrian's fucking silly as hell dude silly as hell so at one point in time i literally just went up and i paid for the drinks and i left so i was just

like i was like what the fuck else am i supposed to do it's weird you know what i mean even if like i don't know if me and you going to go like hang out and I just brought someone without saying it, I think that would be weird. It would be weird. You know? Yeah, for sure. It's just, don't be fucking weird. And it's an easy one to answer.

Just don't fucking be weird. It's a societal obligation or like contract of being like, hey, if we have plans to hang out, unless we talk about it or unless you're like oh hey i'm gonna be at this bar with my friends you should come join great but if you're like hey do you want to grab a drink tonight i'll be like yeah for sure and i go and like there's just like another guy there another person there be like who the fuck is this guy i don't think like i it would be way more acceptable if if it was like us just hanging out. But on a date? No, not at all. Even then, I would be like, either,

oh shit, I just bumped into someone. And even then, it would be a different thing if it was just me and you going out for like, I don't know. Yeah, it's fucking weird. Don't do it. Alright, hit me. This is dumb questions, 78. There are no dumb questions. Is masturbation actually unhealthy

if you have no sex life slash no interest in one so after doing a bunch of digging around i found that a lot of guys here consider masturbation unhealthy because it causes death grip and porn rewires your brain to not enjoy sex but for someone like me who has no sex life and frankly never will have one due to a multiple multitude of reasons is it really a big deal if I cause death grip or overuse on porn? Is there any actual health problems that will arise from it? Not just ED or lack of sensitivity. I'm a bit worried that there's bigger consequences, but if it's just a loss of sensitivity or something that I'm not really concerned. It makes me sad that they're saying they won't have, like, I don't

know if that's just being like hyperbolic or if they actively for some reason have conditions or situations that won't allow them to have like a relationship or whatever but no as far as i'm aware it's just ed and loss of sensitivity and even then that's on the like porn addiction scale not on the just masturbating a bunch scale and i don't like i mean you do run the risk of irritating your skin yeah or like you know like tearing of stuff like if you still have uh foreskin like if you're if you're going at it really hard and heavy multiple times a day you you run the risk of like you know the increased risk of tearing foreskin yeah or you know that's that's all gonna be like really like low, like nothing dramatic,

which it seems like they're looking for. And also like, you'll feel it. It's not like it'll be a surprise. Yeah. So, I mean, like you also do run the,

like, I know you're like, Oh, is it just lost the sensitivity and stuff like that? You do also run the risk of becoming dependent on it as well. Right. Like you run the risk of developing a porn addiction. Yeah.

If that is your sole means of it and there are there are not just you know other than the physical stuff that we've just discussed there's also like the mental aspect of things like your you know people with porn addictions tend to have a very skewed opinion of women or you know whoever you may find attractive whatever you know sexuality you are your your your mental image or perception of the people that you are attracted to uh tends to become a lot colder and a lot less uh personal and you start to see people less realistic people are objects and they're objects in this very like fantastical way that porn portrays people. So reality doesn't like match up with that at all.

And you get to project your reality on it. Right. So it's like, it doesn't really matter what scene it is or what's happening on screen. If you're imagining a thing while you're watching porn, you end up sort of like the, the, the reality of,

of sex and pleasure becomes very distorted and gets kind of warped in your own mind. And I know you're just like, Oh, it'll never happen, but you do run the risk of having your, you know, psychological outlook of people that you find sexually attractive,

uh, becoming almost dehumanized. And that I think is just as detrimental as, you know, a physical thing. Um, so I did look into some things. Uh, there is, uh, I don't just as detrimental as, you know, a physical thing. Um, so I did look into some things. Uh, there is, uh, I don't remember the name of it. I didn't write it down, but there's, um, I meant to bring this last week and it was more fresh in my brain, but there is a,

uh, an issue where frequent masturbation can actually cause small tears in the urethra, um, from just like constantly expanding and pulling and stuff which can lead to things like yeast infections, UTIs, all sorts of stuff getting clogged up in there. The only way to heal it is just to like stop

everything. Which is going to be hard if you develop this addiction. Exactly. So there are risks as with anything i also imagine like if you develop a porn addiction there's probably a financial risk involved because i imagine the type of person addicted to porn there's probably never like you always probably need more and i imagine that then moves towards like only fans are like getting like custom content and getting things that like really like require you. So like there's more niche. Yeah. Yeah. So there's that financial danger too, I'm sure. So yeah, I'm sure if you want to just jerk it and not develop porn addiction,

maybe you could do it if it's not all you're doing. But if you're at the stage where you're worrying that you're doing it too much, that you'll develop physical injuries, maybe you're closer than you think. Yeah. So the big answer is masturbation unhealthy. No. But if you do it to the point of addiction or – it's like everything in moderation, right? Yeah. The more you do something, the more you risk an injury, and the more you know, you're risking injury, the more likely it is to happen.

So you've got to take it easy. Everything in moderation. Be safe. Listen to your body. If you're starting to get sore, if you're starting to feel discomfort, stop. Give it a break. You know, get a genital safe vitamin E cream. Keep yourself locked and loaded and take care of yourself.

Yeah. All right. Kind of closely related in a way. yourself keep yourself locked and loaded and and take care of yourself yeah all right kind of closely related in the way this is tore a bfd broken 18 year old female 18 year old male my boyfriend won't get the surgery he needs for his dick i'm going out for a year and a half now one thing with my boyfriend is that his dick or specifically the band on the back of the head that frenulum frequently tears when we first started having sex with tear in any position but now he goes extra gentle which gets annoying and it's fine but when i ride him there's a good chance it tears so i have to feel bad every time i want to do that every time it

happens you have to wait a week or two for it to heal before you can use it again there's seriously a 30 chance every time i ride the middle tear and a five to ten percent that if he's doing it'll tear i googled and there's surgery you can get to lengthen the band so it stops tearing, but apparently there's a slight chance it'll reduce sensitivity in the dick because the frenulum is pretty sensitive. He said he's not losing feeling in his dick, so he won't get it. I asked what he plans to do then, and he said nothing.

Like, literally, he plans to do nothing. Ugh. My penis hurts listening to that question. Yeah, my penis hurts so much. And I don't like the face you made. Well, you made an incredible face when I, I know the whole,

the question, this is the time when we need to have the video actually like recorded so that people can get that good content. I don't look, I understand both sides of it of being like, I don't know how excited I would be to have surgery on my penis i don't want surgery anywhere let's be fair let alone my penis however do i want my penis shredded all the time no the idea of my frenulum snapping ever like like ever is is so fucking bad

that i think that would be enough for me to want to have the surgery. And I can't like what they're saying when they say reduced sensitivity. I don't think they're saying you'll never feel pleasure again. Like yes, there might be a little bit of maybe scar tissue that reduces some of the nerve endings in that specific area.

But like the head, the shaft, all those places still have feeling and sensitivity. It's not like the frenulum is like the clitoris shaft, all those places still have feeling and sensitivity. It's not like the frenulum is like the clitoris. Exactly. It's the only way that men can feel pleasure. Like that's not really how it works. And so I think you'd be okay.

I'm imagining shredding it on a regular basis. It's also going to reduce fucking sensitivity. And you know what else will reduce sensitivity? Going very gentle and being terrified. And also, you know what else will reduce sensitivity going very gentle and being terrified and also you know what else reduces sensitivity not being able to have sex for a week yeah i right like i i feel like if this happened to me once sure sucks twice sucks three plus times i'd be like okay combined this is probably the same amount of trauma as this fucking operation would give me and now every single time i do this it's like well now it's even worse now it's way worse than the operation yeah and i fucking hate operation i who knows dude they just get one

side each just pull it really hard i mean i meant more like what they use to lengthen yeah pulling it really hard. Just a rubber band that they just like just glue in there. I, yeah, I look, man, I understand where you're coming from. I understand that you don't want to have any sort of surgery on your dick.

I get it, but there's, you've got to take care of yourself. You know, it would be the same thing as like, you know, fucking every time you opened a door, you had 30 chance to break your arm like sure maybe you have a reduced mobility for this surgery but you know or you know it's more enjoyable is a slight slightly

less sensation than the sensation you're feeling the most, which is pain. Yeah. Also being able to open doors is pretty rad. Much like fucking. Yeah. Much like having sex. Yeah. And like being able to have sex the way you want it to.

I can't imagine your partner feels great. Well, she already says it's annoying that you have to go so gentle, but like, I can't imagine how I would feel if every time we were doing, there was like a five to 10% chance I would injure my, my fucking partner's genitals. That would ruin everything for me.

Yeah. I that's, that's a very good point of like, also you're putting them in a position of being like, cool. I don't really want to have sex with you. If it's going to hurt you, right.

You're going to hurt you and not be great for me. It's a lose, lose. Also like for you, I can't imagine being like, Hey, go gentle, go gentle. Fuck. Oh, with you if it's gonna hurt you really hurt you and not be great for me it's a lose-lose also like for you i can't imagine being like hey go gentle go gentle fuck oh god jesus five to ten percent chance okay like if i roll a d10 it hits one a lot it's do you also run the risk of like masturbation as well like i assume so who fucking i now get the surgery the only thing i will say before we say get the surgery is maybe don't trust a random google search first maybe go see a doctor but then

if they recommend the surgery it's probably a much better call than constant injuries which will themselves lessen sensation that's a good point you haven't talked to your doctor go to your doctor talk to them about the issue. There might be a solution that doesn't. Maybe there's a good vitamin E cream that will loosen up your banjo string. There might even be small little exercises

that you can do. You know what I mean? Yeah, you grab each side and you pull really hard. Stop it. Alright, hit me. This is Papa Smurf.urf yeah it is uh advice for role playing with my wife my wife said she wants to start trying role playing she's looking into getting made lingerie and wants to have a fun session i've never done some role playing before and need some advice first things first you gotta like pick a system that works well for what you guys

are looking for you know what i mean like she going to be some kind of like criminal maid who's like heisting. Blades in the Dark is really good because you have a flashback system. You don't get to choose. You don't have to choose your equipment until you're like on the heist. If she's like a space maid, I'd go to Starfinder. Obviously, we love that. We have a Starfinder podcast called No Quest for the Wicked. That's pretty much it.

Yep. Pick a character. You know you're doing good character work when you start to make decisions that don't help yourself or the party, but are true to character. Nala's done a very funny joke. Yeah, it's a very funny joke. Dane's dying. You can't tell, but he's busting up. My gut.

Oh, my gut. It's busted. It's like that man's frenulum. Oh, no. My busted is torn open. A very important thing is you need to understand what kind of role play she is looking for. And you are looking for, you need to talk because if you want to be like, you know, the creepy husband who like gets home when the wife is out and like you and the maid,

like you're kind of like being a shithead, like you're,'m i'm your boss like blah blah blah or is she like hitting on you or is it like as she walks in on you masturbating or like like what is it what is your your aim because those are three very different flavors right one's kind of like voyeuristic and surprising one is kind of creepy but like not necessarily in a bad way if partners are inclined yeah it doesn't necessarily have to be it could be you know you the more of a dumb situation yes but what i mean is like some people i think would find the like the cheating aspect or the like leveraging position aspect to almost be like con non-con e yeah um and that could not be someone's flavor so it's like if you just bust into that

and they're not expecting it you could very well ruin the role play session right so incredible point yes you do need to i know a lot of people when they think of role play that it's off the top of the head improvise blah blah blah but like not everyone is super comfortable improvving no and that's what role playing is especially if like if you're timid or you haven't done it before, or this is sort of like a big fantasy, but you've never really done anything like it. It's not an easy thing to do unless you are well-versed in sort of going with the flow and rolling with the punches and being able to think on the fly. And even then, if you're in the wrong scene,

it's not going to be great for you. Yeah. So I think sitting down and sort of like figuring out what you guys are doing beforehand. And as Nell said, he gave you three great options. She's either trying to tempt you and you're trying to be good or maybe she hasn't done a good enough job and it's time for some punishment.

Or you're out of the shower and it's time for some punishment or, you know, you're out of the shower and she's walked in on you and, Oh no. Yeah. There's, there's any number of ways. And like, I think those different things,

like if, if you're not comfortable doing a whole lot of dialogue and like actual role-playing, I think the walking into the shower thing is great because it could be, you know, you, she's in her sexy lingerie, you come out naked and she's like,

wow, your dick is great. And then she sucks it. It's very basic. But those three scenarios all have wildly different flavors. And if your wife or you are not into one of those flavors and you kick into that, it's going to suck. So determine your scene, determine your genre, determine your flavor. That, I think, is step one.

Yeah, 100%. That is a really really good uh starting point to do it after that i think you need to figure out sort of how you want it to end and how much of it you want to be like how much of the foreplay is the role play and how much of is it just the costume and the loss, right? Right. Because like I said, for some people who want to just fuck someone in a sexy maid costume, the shower situation is great.

And every now and then you can make some stupid, like, Oh, you're going to clean my dick real good. You know, you gotta, you gotta make that joke, stupid bullshit puns like that.

And fine. Great. Okay. But then there are other things where like sometimes the foreplay is the slow burn yeah of you know where you just sit down and you're like on your phone or having a beer or having a coffee or something and she's just cleaning around you and you get to watch her and she's not doing anything i mean like maybe she's bending over a little bit more and like, right.

Being sexy, but there isn't any sort of actual thing happening. And that's the foreplay. So you really need to figure out maybe the dialogue kicks in and the dialogue is building up towards that sexy scene as well. And that's also foreplay. And, you know, I also think having a safe word is definitely fine so that you can, if for some reason the role play goes in a direction, someone isn't comfortable with or whatever, you can say it and you know, there's no confusion. If you start to be like,

hold on, I don't like that. Yeah. A hundred percent. And then after that, I, I think you just gotta, you trust your partner.

I think you gotta have fun with it. I think you do have to, I think you'll find more benefit if you take your time with it. And if you let the role play and if you let like the costume sort of do a lot of the heavy lifting for you um one thing i would say and this is just me trying to steer society away from it is try not to do any like school girl stuff i think we're we're in a we're in a place in the world and in our lives now that I think that we can retire the sexy school girl, like, fantasy. Because I think it just is weird. And I don't like it. Yeah, it is weird.

Because it takes a lot of, like, mentally or, like, just completely ignoring the obvious fact that, like, it is incredibly creepy. It's like, I don't know. Just wear a short skirt and a shirt and have a different fantasy like it's that easy yeah you could be like a secretary is the exact you just don't have a plaid you can even still wear a plaid skirt just to wear like the school girl one you know have like a tartan you know pencil skirt and your glasses and it's like i just think that like i really wanted to when i read this question i was like please no one suggests fucking school girl it's so gross stop sexualizing children it's because like you know what happens is like when people finally drive past the 14 year olds or the younger girls

on the school or like outside of a school like the comments i used to have a friend who was uh went to a school where they had to wear uniforms. And one of the uniforms was like the kilt. And like the things that grown men would say to them. It was like I recognize it as gross when I was also 14. But like looking back at it now, I'm like so grossed out by it. And I'm sure it still happens to young women. And I just. Also, I hope we don't have to say this on the podcast maybe don't

say things to young girls like that just a little bit of extra advice there not really but i don't think we have to say that here and if we do you better fucking listen all right you ready uh we should probably get into some tenders i got real quick one let's just fucking do it okay let's do it uh nameless when someone says i'm not ready for a relationship do you believe that with you is always implied oh sorry and then there's an extra bit has there ever been a time you've missed out on the connection because you genuinely weren't ready for any reason yeah yeah i don't i don't believe this cynical bullshit where like like believing that with you is always implied means that like, no one ever says that genuinely, which means everybody is always ready for a relationship, which is not correct.

That's the thing is like, if you're not ready for a relationship, you're in that state until you find someone that, you know, brings you into a state where you're ready to be with them. And that's not to say that you just are in a state when you're with that person at that point you know what i mean yeah so it's like you're it's not that i'm being like no you're not good enough that's that's not the underlying tone of it it's oh i found someone that i would like to pursue and like or even then it's like i like my current partner i was with them in a non-exclusive sense for a while if they had asked me three months in are you ready for a relationship i would have said no yeah later on i was same person it's just it didn't come up and there was like you know what

i mean so that's that's it in a nutshell is like they were the same person i just wasn't ready neither were they at the point so it all worked out but like there have been times where people are like what are we or like well it's been two months we need to and like if that hadn't gone south the like at the time that did maybe it would have happened this thing is like yes i i can see myself if a number of women didn't try to force me into a relationship faster than I was ready, I would probably would have ended up dating them. Yeah. If they gave, you know, everything enough room to breathe.

But instead there was that ultimatum of like, what are we as like, well, I would rather, you know, I learned a very valuable lesson with, uh, you know, one of my exes of being like, I got into a relationship when I wasn't ready because i was afraid of not getting to spend time with them anymore it was it was very much one of those like you know i don't want to keep seeing you if we're not going to date because i don't want to waste my time and i was like well i really like you so i guess we'll date and that fucking sucked so hard that i learned the lesson of being like if i'm not so into it if i'm not so ready for it i'm not gonna do it and the amount of people who tried to like pull that move again i was like why do you want this all this is gonna do is end up with me guarded and like not fully committed and it's

gonna be a bad relationship so it's like your options are either have a good relationship with me now and keep it casual and keep it loose and keep it open. And with the potential that it might be okay further down the road where I do want to get a relationship or let's get into a relationship. That's not going to go anywhere because I'm not ready. Yeah. Cool. Like I think it's such a cynical and shitty view to be like,

Oh, with you, like, or they're lying. It's not true. Things, people change. Maybe they'll find someone else. And either that person is someone they can be in a relationship at that point or they have

changed in the ensuing time maybe they'll be ready for a relationship with you later on maybe they just aren't ready and maybe it is you whatever like there is no truth to to the question it's just it's a crapshoot but i would believe people more often than not yeah i mean believe them regardless oh yes if the if the answer is i'm not ready for a relationship with you yeah it doesn't matter if it's genuine or not that the result is the same right so all right let's do tinders at the end of the episode we like to hop onto online dating platforms such as tinder bumble and hinge uh we peruse see what works, see what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable.

All right. I have a name that has been crossed out. It's a Tinder profile about me. Pineapple goes on pizza like tongues go in assholes. It's not for everybody, but those who enjoy it are a bit more sophisticated. In all seriousness, though, would you like to be the tongue to my asshole?

Kidding, y'all. In reality, I'm looking for a six-foot, blue-eyed, blonde eyed blonde haired in fact so blonde it almost looks like a shade of green know what i mean tobacco chewer kidding again cornbread eater god-fearing barrel-chested freedom fighter just got my titties done update y'all soon this is bad like it's i mean the freedom fighter thing already throws a huge wrench into the works unless you literally mean that they are you know overthrowing regimes and not fighting against you know public health mandates yeah um but like this is bad in the sense of like it's not funny at all like it it could have been funny it was almost funny yes then constantly being like hey just kidding

like just kidding again like yeah i yeah, I, I don't, they went for something and they missed the mark. Yeah. It's like, they almost get what funny is and they're almost showing the personality unless their personality is that, which I don't like. Yeah.

I would hate to be in a relationship or like even just go on a date with someone who is constantly like making risque jokes and be just kidding. Just kidding. Oh, i'm just kidding like that would be exhausting and very unenjoyable for me i once went on a date with someone who the whole date felt like they were workshopping their tight five and it was the most excruciating experience that i've ever been in and that's why i'm dane never dated that's why we never worked out i wasn't ready for a relationship that's with you whoa my type i was so tight though uh yeah this is like uh four or three it's a three for me i feel like three is too high but i'm gonna give it a two yeah it's

not horrendous i didn't feel freedom fighter was that i thought it was just like I don't know, like superhero. I don't know. Maybe you're right. When you said it, I was like yeah, it makes more sense. Anyway, it's not great. The blue eyes, blonde hair also feels a little dog whistly, but I don't know. So blonde, it's green almost.

Is that a reference to something? I think they just mean like that. You know, like sometimes when you bleach blonde hair, it looks almost I think that's what they mean but like maybe it is worse than i i'll keep it at my three just because i'm a little worried but also just got my titties done update you all wasn't me and like that's that's not how dating profiles work like i can't come back and check right it's like i'm either saying yes or no so like it's not like i'm going to be following you for updates. Anyway, this is Chris. I'm a beautiful

disaster with trust issues. Oh, God. That's it? I stopped talking. Damn. It looked like you were just really angry that I spoke in the middle of you speaking. Nope. That's awful. Those are two bad things. I would love to know what she

was going to add there because it is a comma. It are two bad things. I would love to know what she was going to add there, because it is a comma. It's not a period. There was meant to be more, but we don't get it. They just aren't good at grammar as well as being generally, it seems, shit. So that's going to be a one for me. I can definitely attest that they are not good at grammar, because I'm has no apostrophe. Beautiful is capitalized So it's not looking good

For all Chris That is a red flag for me So I'm going to give it a 1 Yeah it's a 1 for me too If all you're going to tell me is that you're a disaster And you have trust issues Yeah those are 2 of the worst things Sorry not addressed it

This is also nameless I'm 5'8 you must be at least six foot i don't want a delusional clown in my dms expecting a hookup laughing emoji have a car a job and be around the age of 25 to 30 i want you to be an established man who will pay for everything no such thing as 50 50 smart dedicated and respectful especially towards women i will not come to you i expect you to be happy to come to blank or anywhere else i go i have high standards and you have to meet them marriage with me must be your goal no room for uncertainty clear i assume the blank is where they live yeah uh obviously bad obviously terrible um i do like that you want to be with someone who respects women but uh this that's like that's that's be with someone who respects women, but, uh, this that's like,

that's, that's the nicest thing I could say about this profile. Well, you want someone who respects women, but a man under six foot is a delusional clown. Cool. Cool. Cool.

Cool. Cool. Super. It's so gross. It's so bad. And like, I love these things where I'm just like, what are you bringing?

What are you offering? You're asking for so much and are so like, this is like standards are this. I'm like, yeah, but what do you have? Because if, if all you're offering right now, which I assume is like your physical appearance, that's bad. And like, that's not all that respectful towards women to yourself. You know what I mean? Like right now,

all you're saying is like, my worth is my physical appearance. And because of my physical appearance, I'm putting so much weight on it. And I'm putting myself being like, I don't need to be anything else because I am attractive. And that's super gross. Also probably like view that about like your friends.

And you, you know what I mean? Like you probably treat the women in your your friends and you know me like you probably treat the women in your life in a similar fashion of being like if they're not as hot as you or equally as transactional then they're not worth your time they're delusional clowns as well yeah also 85 of men are under six foot so not very respectful good Good luck. Yeah, it's going to be a one as well. Yeah, that's going to do it for our show, friends. Thank you very much. We love you.

We do. And we're glad to have you. We are. We still have news, maybe, but it's all kind of up in the air right now. So once we have news about other live shows and other events, we will be at the Toronto Fan Exo at the Canadian podcast award booth. We're still waiting for a con schedule.

Once we get it, we will let you know, but we are going to be there hopefully every day. Yeah. And, we will try to give you guys better warning about the live show next time. Cause I know a lot of people were frustrated. They couldn't make it.

Um, but as we said before, just come on the night. Anyway, we, we were able to squeeze people in. So frustrated they couldn't make it. But as we said before, just come on the night anyway. We were able to squeeze people in. So we'll do our utmost. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Suits for their song Paper Stars. And I'm going to just rock you guys gently to sleep with some bad sex writing. After I say, maybe come join us on Patreon.

Help support us and get an extra episode every month. Do it. And to all you that already support us, we fucking love you because you help this show keep on going. Thank you. All right. You ready? You ready?

Yep. I've had to deal with an abscessed tooth right up front at the top, and that pain was the worst thing ever. The nurse in eMERGE at the hospital helping me said the abscessed tooth is more painful than childbirth. So women, don't go around acting all tough. Men have worse pain from the mouth hole than you do from the hoo-ha hole. Got him.

I've been saying this for years. I've been saying ladies, your hoo-ha hole doesn't no pain. Yeah, my mouth hole? My mouth hole versus your hoo-ha hole? Chances are, how many teeth do I got? I got lots of teeth, right? Chances are you're not having as many kids as I have teeth.

And all of them could be abscessed. Thank you. I think I saw someone have 12 kids once. That's the most kids, I think. I don't know, maybe 14. That's like half my teeth. Half my teeth, at best. So once again, we've proven that maybe men should get a little bit more respect around here.

Yes, thank you. Hey, ladies, you're the delusional clowns for thinking childbirth is hard. Or painful. And also, obviously, women don't have teeth either, I guess. My name is Dave Miller.

And I'm Niles Bing. And we have been your fuck buddies