F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 255 - Intimate Evenings - McSteamy Flower Shop

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

Apologies for the late upload this week, y'all!  But we were at Fan Expo all weekend and our brains are fried, so here's the live show we did at Black Sheep at the beginning of the month.

Hello friends! Hi! That was my best Dane Miller impression. Welcome to Fuck Buddies Presents Friends with Benefits at the Black Sheep Cocktail Bar. Who here has been to a live recording of Fuck Buddies before? Make some noise. I love that, yes. Who's here for the first time Oh virgins I'm into it I really like as an audience member I really like keeping an eye on the first-timers because you know the first time one of the boys says like blowjob everybody so bashful like oh my goodness then as the show progresses and then you have the part where you have to write in a question, they're like, how do I tell my priest I'm a cum-guzzling atheist?

And it's completely loosen up and get completely into it. So, you know, loosen up, have a good time. This is a sex and dating advice podcast. So we're going to talk about sex. We're going to talk about dating. We're going to talk about pubes and politics. I don't know. All kinds of stuff.

And speaking of loosening up, like there's a full bar there with a great cocktail list. So drink up. This is how we get loose and slippery and have a great old time. So my name's Kyle. I've been a friend of the pod for a long, long time. I've been watching these two grow and prosper and take over the world of podcasting, including winning awards. Canadian podcast award winners we have here

tonight so join me in welcoming one is from the Emerald Hills of Ireland and the other one is from the dusty back streets of Brampton Dane Miller and Niall Spain your fuck buddies And when I'm trusting, I love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends! That was so abrupt. My name is Dane Miller.

And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we're a sex and dating advice podcast that answers questions that we either find online or from our wonderful listeners or, later on in the show, from you lot. You'll notice a few cards, hopefully some pens. And you can write down your questions and we'll pick them up at some point. We're going to do three 30-minute, shall we call them sets? Sets?

Sets. Ooh, sounding musicians. And we'll probably read them out at any point when we collect them. So in the breaks, we'll go around, throw them up if you want. We won't name and shame you. They are anonymous, yes. Yeah. Unless you want to be. Yeah. Well, there might be a point in time where we need clarification

if we say it out loud they could be rhetorical questions you don't have to answer us unless you're comfortable answering us and if you open that door we will walk through it yeah and it'll probably just be you know whoops you know what i mean that's probably all we'll need is like a whoop whoop maybe more clarification Who knows So you might have heard That during the Pre-show We played

Hot in here By Nelly Just Well we got some stuff To talk about first Okay Thank you Kyle Thank you Kyle

You're incredible If you don't know Who Kyle is He has an excellent show Called Wizard of Sauce On Gusto TV It's an incredible show Famed of Sauce on Gusto TV. It's an incredible show.

Famed home chef. Home chef. Wonderful, incredible person. Add Home Chef Kyle on Instagram if you want to fucking get some good recipes, which is actually also dating advice because, you know, it works. On top of that, if you share tonight any pictures, videos, tag us at fckbuddiespodcast, I believe. Tag Black Sheep. You will be entered in a prize to win shots for your table. So we'll tally that up probably in the third act.

And you have to tag both of us. If you don't tag both of us, you don't win anything, and we hate you. And you'll see some nice themed food and drinks in front of you. And I think that's about it. Okay, now we can get to Nelly. Hot in here. Can I get a round of applause if you think that the lyric is, she's got a hole in the basement?

It's either I got a friend with a hole in the basement, or I got a friend, I guess, with a pole in the basement. Who thinks it's pole? Okay, who thinks it's hole? No one? Well, this is going to be an awkward bit. So we both thought it was hole. Yeah, I thought it was hole. And I thought it meant a glory hole in the basement.

Now, could you please tell everyone what you thought he meant? I thought it was a very derogatory term for a woman. You also thought it was a derogatory term term for a woman. You also thought it was a derogatory term specifically for the vagina. Yes. You thought that Nelly was saying, hey girl, I'd love to get in your hole in the basement. I've heard worse. But,

yeah. Anyway, I just I thought it was hole. Apparently, we're both wrong. You're all right. The lyrics do say pole, but. Yeah, that's what they say. Nelly, once're both wrong. You're all right. The lyrics do say pole, but... Yeah, that's what they say. Nelly, once again, wins. We've had M. Night Shyamalan on the podcast. When we get Nelly on, we'll ask him.

Yes. Should we just get to some questions? Yeah, you guys ready for a question? Let's do some questions. On a scale of one to spicy, what do you want to open with? People want the spice. People want the spice. People want the spice. It's like dune up in here.

We're going to start with Cauliflower Crystal. Okay. My 21-year-old female boyfriend, 26-year-old male, wet dreams are making our mornings a nightmare. I first want to clarify that I know wet dreams are not in his control. I don't blame him. I don't get upset at him. I know this is making him just as frustrated, if not more than me. He's been having wet dreams every week now, and it's beginning to take a toll on us. He's currently getting over a porn

slash masturbation addiction he's been struggling with for years. Six months clean, so that may be the reason he's having more of these dreams, but they're frustrating because, well, it gets everywhere. We used to sleep naked together. Then he had to start wearing boxers but they weren't enough now it's shorts and a week ago it even got through those now we have to wash our three large quilts and sheet so frequently because he typically doesn't wake up afterwards and continues to roll around like a wrestler throughout the night it also sucks for me to roll over grab him and then have a mess on my hands, or worse, if we're cuddling, then directly on me. We have sex regularly, every other day if not every day. No one complains from him about that. What can we be doing differently? Should we be having more sex? Experimenting more? Maybe thicker boxers? Sleeping on towels? A pad in his shorts? Only half joking. He didn't used

to have wet dreams frequently at all. We'd been together three years, and he used to be like, one every six months maybe. Call me crazy, I didn't realize that like adults had wet dreams. I thought that was a puberty thing. Because I don't think as an adult I've ever had a wet dream. But let me tell you, I'm going to say this right off the bat. If this man's coming through three quilts, there's no amount of boxers you're putting on him that's stopping that. Have you put three quilts on because of the cum? Or were you previous to the cum a three quilt person?

That's a lot of quilts. Perhaps he's got an iron deficiency because he's so cold all the time that you need three quilts. I don't understand why anyone would ever sleep with three quilts, let alone have enough semen in their body to soak through that. Regularly. Regularly. There's so much cum. It's so much cum. You guys asked for it.

You said you wanted spicy. And now we've hit almost our quota for the word cum tonight. God, no. First things first my my my go-to answer whenever someone says like is this normal is go to a doctor um because i don't think that if again if it is that much semen i don't think that it should be happening normally i think there is something here either you might need to either see a physical doctor or a therapist because if he's getting

over an addiction... She needs a therapist. He needs a physical doctor. Why does she need a therapist? She's waking up to three fucking stiff quilts every day. That's fair. I mean, maybe you just get a nanny or a maid. Not a nanny. Sorry, that's the wrong word that I used there.

I will say, you're gonna have to bring all three quilts unwashed to the doctor because he won't believe you yeah it's like when you say you only drink five drinks a week and they kind of look at you yeah he's like i'll come through three quilts he's gonna be like yeah sure there's no way you do sir and then you just fucking crack them in half just split them throw them on the the floor so they can see it um yeah i like he's dealing with a a porn addiction and a masturbation addiction um great but with any addiction you require the assistance of a mental health professional i think in order to do it correctly because otherwise you're going to go online and you're going to google shit and

then you're going to get advice from some tiktok person who doesn't know what they're talking about webmd will just say you're dying yeah webmd you have cancer regardless of what's happening masturbation porn addiction cancer uh because that's the answer to everything when you look up anything on webmd um yeah i i would say look into a psychologist because there's probably an underlying issue that's happening there um and then also have him visit his health practitioner to be like, hey, is this normal for me, a grown man, to produce this much semen while I'm unconscious? Isn't there like a thing where if you eat like a bunch of celery or something, it's meant to make you cum more?

Maybe that's all he eats. Yes, this man's diet is 100% celery. That's why he's so cold. I don't know if that's... he eats. Yes, this man's diet is 100% celery. That's why he's so cold. I don't know if that's... There's no iron. I don't know if that's real, by the way, but I've heard it. It is a famous porn star. I think it's Peter North, who was famous for cum shots.

His thing was like, yeah, he'd just stock a celery before every scene. Is it this guy? Was his porn addiction doing porn and not watching it? The dude is, it seems like 26 so that would mean that when peter north was in his heyday he was like eight well so hence the nanny getting back to the nanny no uh now this one question really like one question in a sub question shall we say really got me Should we be experimenting more? With cum? I don't, like, what's the finger?

No. It's obviously not, it's not like, oh, we're having a lot of sex, but it's not adventurous enough sex. So, therefore, my balls are just going to rebel all over everything. Yeah. I don't think. It's not how it works. Not really how it works. It's not, there's no mental stimulation here that's going to make him ejaculate more based on it. So, again, this isn't a question I can answer or I think we can answer,

but I do think we can point you towards health care practitioners who can help. Or maybe thicker boxers. The man's coming through quilts. Boxers aren't helping. I think we've certainly fixed that one. 100%. 100%. This is from a throwaway account on Reddit.

It's a 24-year-old male and a 23-year-old female. My girlfriend no longer believes in monogamy. My girlfriend recently received an injury at her workplace. She's been given compensation and a few months leave to recover. So far, she's spent the days binge watching TikTok and has begun to follow some creators with unorthodox views. It's us. She's recently come to the conclusion that monogamy is a construct of the patriarchy

designed to limit women's sexual freedom. My girlfriend has also thrown ideas that marriage as an institution is a form of slavery for women. Bear in mind that before this, she kept pestering me to get engaged. I was quite confused by all this, so I let her know that she can have an open relationship, it just won't be with me. To which she began laughing and claiming that my masculinity was threatened at the prospect of her being pleasured by someone else. I asked my mother about this,

and she suggested I reason with my girlfriend, but my girlfriend literally has an answer for everything. She's become some kind of an expert in this strange philosophy. I don't want my relationship to end. I just want my girlfriend in her normal mind back. Oh jeez, yes. That's a weird end.

Okay. There's a lot here where if you don't want to be in a monogamous relationship, that's okay. That's fine. And I do appreciate that the guy in question here answered, I think, perfectly. Being like, if you want that, that's fine. I do not want that. So you could have that with someone else if you desire.

Yeah. Her response sucks shit, but his in her normal mind also sucks shit. So it's a whole lot of shit sucking going on here. A lot of shit sucking. Yeah. I think you make a very good point in the sense that I don't disagree with a lot of the points that she makes. In the sense that if you look at marriage historically, it is an institution that was always used as women as currency. It's definitely evolved since then.

But I think we no longer live in feudal like medieval times and i don't think anyone's really getting a dowry these days it might still be happening i'm not sure there's got to be somewhere getting dowry somewhere um but it's it's weird to go so like if he's to be believed go from being like i, I want to get engaged, I want to get engaged, I want to get engaged, to being like, this is the worst possible, this is slavery. Yeah, it's a bit dramatic. Because I don't feel like, again, if you don't want to get married, don't get married. I'm all on board with that.

I don't believe in the institution of marriage either, so I'm on board with everything she's saying. But I feel like there might be something else going on. It's rare that you go from one perspective to an extreme of the opposite perspective. Well, like getting injured, being out of work, being presumably housebound, if not bed bound, if you're just doing nothing but tick tock, those are all really traumatic things. And I know, cause I fucking shattered my ankle and basically had to do that for a while. I suck shit.

So it's like trauma and boredom and dissatisfaction mixed with tick-tock hammering shit into your brain can definitely change your views in a lot of dramatic ways. But like the point is if you're with someone and they want something else, the answer is yes, you can have that. But if I don't want it,

you can have that with somebody else yeah threatening someone's masculinity to like bully them into doing what you want when it's not what they want not great um yeah it's a weird like if switcheroo gaslight move of being like sure um and it's also just not not cool to shame people into doing things they don't want to do so So the answer here is you guys got to break up. If that's something she wants, you got to break up. Yeah. Or sit down and have a conversation and be like – If they're willing to have a conversation, which it doesn't seem to be that way currently.

And be like, hey, here's where I stand. Here's where you stand. If this is what you want, as you said, if this is what you're looking for, then I am very happy to say goodbye. We'll part ways. Good luck. I hope you find what you're looking if this is what you're looking for then i am very happy to say goodbye we'll part ways good luck i hope you find what you're looking for i hope you're happy uh and then and then you move on yeah for sure so but also the like stay away from the crazy accusations you know what i mean people can change their mind on shit you know what i mean it's like

it's not on you to just yell that out and again again, it's, it's the same, the flip side of like, Oh, you're fucking masculinity. It's not like cool. And monogamy isn't like, like polyamory and open relationships aren't like this weird foreign concept that like people have been doing this for fucking years, centuries, decades, you know, forever long. So like,

just because you subscribe to monogamy doesn't make everyone else who doesn't, like, an outlier. Oh, for sure. I also think, like, these days it's never been more prevalent. Yeah. So, like. So, I think you need to do a little, like, self-reflection and work on yourself to be like, oh, okay, there are other forms of relationships that are out there. And just because one doesn't line up with what I want or how I feel, it doesn't make it a strange philosophy or weird, bizarro world. Yeah.

That's not what non-monogamous relationships are. They are just a different route to the same path of happiness and being with someone. So I think you've just got to get over that as well. Yes. And meet in the positive middle. All right. This is a deleted user.

I, 22-year-old female, have been giving my fiance, 24-year-old male, hamburger helpful, sorry, hamburger helper for months, and he doesn't know. I've always loved cooking and baking, so I'm the one who cooks for my fiance, and I love to make things from scratch. When I make chicken noodle soup, I make the broth from scratch, and I let it simmer for hours. I make the noodles by hand. I make pie crust from scratch, sauce, I even dry my own herbs to make seasoning.

My fiancé likes my cooking, but he's never been wowed by it. This would make me kind of sad in the beginning of us living together, because it takes a long while to scratch cook all the time. About a year ago, my sister-in-law made this soup that tastes exactly like Hamburger Helper. As someone who was raised by a single dad who didn't know how to make it, I'm definitely seasoned in knowing what it tastes like. Well, my boyfriend loved the soup. I mean, I have never seen him react that way to anything I've cooked, not even his mom's cooking before. I decided if he likes Hamburger Helper, well, he'll get it. I decided to order a large variety pack from Amazon and start making it for him for dinner. We work opposite schedules,

so I make myself something not Hamburger Helper for dinner at 6 and then at 10 I make him Hamburger Helper before he gets home at 11. Ever since I started doing this, I've seen amazement in his eyes. He fucking loves that shit. He even takes the leftovers for lunch at work. He doesn't get hamburger helper every night, but around three to four nights a week, and it's always his favorite meal. Everything was fine until now. I guess he's been telling his co-workers how amazing my scratch

cooking is. He's been hyping me up, saying how amazing my food is and all this cute stuff. He told me yesterday, this has made two of them and their wives want to come over for dinner. He's invited them over, and he told me he wants me to make the one with the really swirly noodles. Cheesy Ranch Burger. He wants me to make Cheesy Ranch Burger Hamburger Helper for them. The thing is, if I do, they're all going to know it's not scratch cooking.

Or may even know it's actually just Hamburger Helper. I think the time has come to tell my fiancé that the meals I make that he loves the most are just Hamburger Helper. I think he'll find it funny, so I'm not worried there. I just feel sad because I've spent years trying to make him something he loves, and the only thing he loves is not something I made from my heart. Who knew the Hamburger Helper question would get people? I mean, let's face it. You found out he liked something, and you started making it for him.

That's still from your heart, right? If someone I knew loved Kraft Dinner, and they wanted it, and you made it for them, just because you're not drying your own herbs and shit. Oh, she is. Yeah. It doesn't mean that, like, you aren't making something with love. It's the intention. It's like the old saying.

It's the thought that counts. And I think of this, like, what does it matter? I'm not bothered by this. Like, if you know he's going to find it funny, like, as long as you haven't been like, oh, yeah, no, I worked all day on this and, like, tried to guilt him into thinking that you've been, like, slaving away in the kitchen for hours on this. I think there's nothing wrong with being like, yeah, it's Hamburger Helper. It comes in a box. It comes in a box. See, I think that's boring.

And I think she should have the people over anyway and just fucking do it. And watch the panic in their eyes as they fight to not be like, is this fucking Cool Ranch Hamburger Helper? Because no one could do that. You could not go to another person's home and be like, hey, I know you made this from scratch. Is it Hamburger fucking Helper, though? Okay, but also, I couldn't tell you what the fuck Hamburger Helper tastes like. Oh, I don't know if I've ever had it, but I'm not from here, so I get a pass. I mean, I've had it. I grew up in a lower middle class white family.

I've definitely had fucking hamburger helper. Don't you worry about that. But I also haven't had it in years. So if someone sat me down a plate of hamburger helper, I'd be like, I wouldn't immediately taste it. I'd be like, you motherfucker. Where's the box? Flip the table immediately. I don't know if I'd be like, you motherfucker. Where's the box? Flip the table immediately. I don't know if I'd be able to pin it out that quickly.

They're in their early 20s. The chef is heckling us right now. Our second chef of the audience. They're in their early 20s though, Dane, you idiot. I never ate hamburger help in my 20s. That was too fancy for my 20s. Whoa. Bad 20s.

How about... If it wasn't something that was frozen that I couldn't put in the oven, and let's be real, a toaster oven, for X amount of time that I turned that little dial, little cranker, and leave it while I go and play video games until that little bad boy dinged fair i wasn't eating it okay show of hands and actually no that's what's an audio medium show of whoops would anybody here recognize hamburger helper by taste not that many whoops okay okay i'm saying that's what i'm saying it's like if we could bring a fair amount of people here home with us i could make hamburger helper and they would have no fucking idea.

That's fair. Now, I think the funnest, best way to do this is the third option, straight down the middle, where you make Hamburger Helper from scratch. Like you're on an episode of Chopped. I don't know if that's what they do on Chopped. I can only assume. So you make a fancy version of it. Yeah. You're testing your

chef skills to the max but then he's gonna fucking hate it yeah he's gonna be like what this sucks is this homemade herbs i fucking hate this i just i i want to see what happens at this dinner party yeah i mean i think i think you just make it. The problem is this guy's running his mouth. That's the problem. This guy has been saying shit. Yeah, snitches fucking get Hamburger Helper. He loves it. At the end of the day, it's fine.

I think you should tell him because I think this is one of those situations where the longer it goes, the worse it's going to get. Because you're going to let it fester. And the more he keeps thinking this is like a lie by omission is still a lie. I think it's still such a white lie. It's a harmless lie, but I think eventually there's going to be

a moment where he's going to be like, oh wait, you've been lying to me for five years about what you've been doing? Also, like, embarrassing someone in front of their coworkers, very different beast to just, I didn't tell you. Yeah.

So tell them before the dinner. And I think there's no harm in just make these people fucking hamburger helper because at the very least it's funny. And if, and if you're not trying to make yourself laugh, what's the point? What's the point? What's the point?

Uh, I think this is our last question before we'll take a break. So if you if you're thinking about questions get writing and we'll be around to collect them for the second part. This is from Empty Head. I'm a plus size woman and I hate how I look from behind in doggy

style. I'm a medium fat 21 year old woman and fucking hate how I look naked in doggy style. I'm a medium-fat 21-year-old woman, and fucking hate how I look naked in doggy style. I've always been a fan of the position, as it hits all the right spots, but recently, a guy I've been talking to asked me for a photo, naked, in this position, and I was mortified by what I saw when I looked back at the photos.

I've got a belly and a fupa, and it all visibly hangs, and you can barely see my pussy in the photo. I feel like complete shit, and I've never felt so insecure about my life. Thinking back at all those times I've been in the position knowing that's what they saw. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve by writing this or if I'll even hit submit. I love this position so much and knowing how I look from behind has me never wanting to do that again. What gets me is that I'm not even that fat. I'm 5'11 and weigh 100 kilograms and feel as though I could pass for lighter,

and yet I look so unbelievably horrendous in this position. We all are our worst critics and cannot accurately judge how we look about things. And unfortunately, the thing about being self-conscious is nothing I'm going to say here, even if you knew me, which you presumably don't because I don't know who sent this question in, isn't really going to help it. But I like to think that even like tiny little cracks in the wall of self-esteem issues eventually build up to something. But like if this is your favorite position and you have done it presumably multiple times, you have done it with multiple people, they clearly do not mind. Yeah, I mean that's the thing. Someone's asked you for a photo of a very specific thing.

They probably have a fairly good idea. Even if they've never seen you naked before. Well, didn't it say someone she was sleeping with? Someone they've been talking to. Oh, okay. So I don't know their status of whether or not they've hooked up or if they've seen each other naked or not. But I could probably look at most people and be like

i could get a decent idea of what you look like yeah it's not exactly a surprise and i wouldn't ask someone for a naked photo if i thought that photo wasn't going to be nice of course not right so chances are if this guy's asking you for a sexy photo he thinks you're sexy and would like to see it also like let's be fair a lot goes into photography right if you're just taking pictures and it's like an accurate representation of there wouldn't be photographers you know what i mean it's true like lighting angles all these things i hate taking pictures in general but like when we go like we've had a weird amount of photo shoots in the last six weeks too many too many um and i'm like oh that's a good

photo what the fuck and it's like maybe they just edited it maybe they changed me i don't know but it's great yeah and look i know you've probably put that bad boy on a self timer and like run across the room and like thrown yourself into doggy so you're not exactly like setting yourself up for success in this sort of situation. And if you're trying to do that, guys, the best thing to do is to record a video and then screenshot,

just throwing that out there. Dana has taken a lot of pictures of himself and doggy. So many. And it's just for me. It's just for him. A whole Google drive full of them. So you're always going to be your worst critic. You probably don't have the

applicable skills it's a weird angle to take a flattering photo from in general i think like that's the thing nail it also not like i don't know how you think doggy style happens but we're we're bird's eye oh yeah we don't fucking see shit we're looking back we're looking down yeah and that's flattering i don't think i've ever really approached a whole lot of women like eye level going in. Yeah, like here. That's not exactly how I make my descent. If you engage sneak protocol and fucking wiggle across the bed. Yeah.

Which, no. So you need to take these things into account. That's it. So yeah, if you want some some i used to work in film i know a thing or two about angles dame will take your no higher angle get it up high don't shoot it down the barrel the hole in the basement if you will don't do that uh get it up a little higher they want to see curves i don't think anyone really wants to see sort of like a flat plane the yeah the front the the back of it you know

like get a high angle shoot down record videos so you can like get in position get comfortable get sexy uh and you can like move around you have to keep like getting up and like setting your timer and like fucking diving into position you're good take a couple pictures and if you don't like them there's no harm in being like I would rather you see this in person. Yeah. Right? Open that door. Let them walk through it.

Send them photos you do feel sexy in. Yeah. And be like that's my favorite position and if you want to see it you're going to have to earn it. I don't know why I keep sounding

like there's a snake over the speakers. I've released crickets into the room. It keeps happening. And they're going to come for all of you. Damn.

We're going to get an exterminator to get these crickets out of here. We're going to take a quick break. This is an excellent time to go to the bathroom, have a smoke, order a drink, have some food. We'll do a little wander just in case you got questions yet. But you still got one more break. And also, think about taking a picture. Remember, tag us, fckbuddiespodcast on Instagram and blacksheepto for the bar. And if you tag both of them,

you have a chance to win some shots for your table. Hell yeah. We'll see you in a bit. All right. We're back. I hope you had a chance to pee, smoke, eat, drink, get some hamburger helper. Come in a quilt. Come in a quilt. We have a novel's worth of questions that y'all gave us the longest we've

like we've been pretty good for questions the last few live shows these are definitely the longest ones we've gotten we're gonna steal them and publish them and make a lot of money in a book fucking kindle unlimited here we come i will start with our shortest one though and it is marry kill barbie princess peach katniss everdeen okay um i think i'd hmm i think i'd barbie marry katniss kill peach god damn it's my answer too sorry no there you go that's that um I'm a 29 year old female Whose best friend is a guy He's always been a total sweetheart But not much luck in the dating department

His attitude recently changed After he attended a few pickup artist meetings Boo Oh fuck He started becoming overly macho Cocky And just a straight up dick As a lot of pickup artists are

Ironically I was starting to have a crush on him Before this behavior changed The crickets, they're back I've tried to tell him That pickup artists are trash and that he won't get a girl that way. He was, of course, defensive and told me I should just be happy for him. I'm afraid he's being brainwashed and losing his sense of self. Help.

How do I help my best friend see the trashy road he's going down or do i just cut him off that sucks that sucks i'm sorry to hear that uh luckily there's a podcast we know of that's uh pretty positive with regards to masculinity and it is in fact this one and there's a card in your table so pick that up uh no this fucking sucks shit i think telling him that more often is a good start because, you know, you can, there's like a danger where you get into something, you kind of like half say it or have a conversation, they just brush it off. And you're like, well, we had the chat. But then you could be like, no, we need to have the chat with at least two capitals in there. Probably the T and the C. And then you go like, hey, you're actually being so shit that not only do I think other women will not like you,

but I as a friend no longer like you. Yeah. The one thing that I feel like pickup artists miss is the reason that men fall into pickup artistry and gravitate towards people like Andrew Tate and all those things is because it's kind of twofold one men don't have a whole lot of positive role models or positive influence in media right like all were ever really told growing up is that like you know boys

don't cry be tough be stoic be have big muscles have big muscles make a lot of money and then you get attractive women right like there's there's no focus on finding someone you care about there's no focus about being emotionally intelligent and stable there's no coping mechanisms that were taught you know i mean it's like there's literally a saying that nice guys finish last. Yeah. So it's like all throughout our whole sort of like formative years, we're sort of brow beaten over the head repeatedly that like,

we don't get to feel anything and be tough and be strong. And that's, that's sort of like what makes a man. And then we become adults and nobody wants that. Like men don't want it. Like we don't want to be that way. Women aren't interested in men who are that way. And then so you spiral a little bit

and then you look for people who like either are able to teach you or support you and it's far easier for some dude like Andrew Tate to sit smoking a cigar and be like, it's everyone else's fault. Not yours. They're the problem. Not you. Yeah.

And it's easier to be like, yes, that's it. Sure. Also, like the solution isn't easy, but they present it as if it is because pickup artistry is do these three things. Yeah. Here's the simple steps to get women. All you got to do is push them into a corner and say things about their shoes. Exactly. Nice shoes, idiot.

Yeah, so the fact is real life isn't clean and they spin this fantasy where it is. Sorry, sorry. Every woman in this room just DM'd me when I said that. Sorry, I was just kidding. I was kidding. Yeah, so I think it's the fantasy like life is hard and then the fantasy of oh i can make it easy here's an easy solution yeah it's just you follow these really gross steps

yeah and oh shit they're not working i guess it's women's fault i think what you need to do is you need to go on a deep dive on twitter and find the post that the eaton center made about the pickup artists that one year where they were like, we're aware that there are multiple pickup artists standing outside of Forever 21. We've asked them to leave and we're currently asking all women to divert their course. And be like, a mall tweeted about you. You are so gross that a mall had to tell people to avoid you. Yeah, like you were a fucking fallen tree or something

yeah you were a downed electrical line yeah but even then like recently we fucking covered a few episodes ago with the reddit post being like hey avoid eating center there's a like pickup artist fucking convention that's bad the thing is you need to like i would i would approach this and this is honestly this is one of the big reasons why we started this. Originally, one of the ideas we were tossing around for a name before we decided on Fuck Buddies was Pickup Smartest, because we thought it would be a way to like lure in shitty pickup artists, and then we would just yell at them. And I don't think that's the way to do it, right? Like no one reacts, people react better to honey than vinegar.

Well, the thing is, we still lure them in. They just think we're a brothel. And I wish I was joking, but the amount of messages we get being like, fuck buddies, you guys will send me a woman, right? And we're like, buddy, listen to an episode. Blonde, Texas. Thanks. No, that's not what we do.

I'm serious. That's happened like 20 times. So I think you do need to sort of like sit down and just like go on a night out with them and be like yeah man i'll wingman you and then just let them fall flat on their face every fucking time because anyone who bring them to the eaton center and make the eaton center tweet about them yeah do it yeah bring them to the eaton center and just be like fucking fucking Sarge right now, coward. Do it.

Stand outside of Forever 21 and approach every fucking woman here. And then come back and tell me how it goes. And just, you know what I mean? It's like when your dad catches you smoking and they're like, cool, you're going to smoke an entire pack of fucking cigarettes. Every single fucking one. You're going to do it. And I think that would be a great way to be like, hey, this fucking sucks. So much shit. If you were just like, I great way to be like, hey, this fucking sucks. So much shit.

If you were just like, I'm going to sit at the fountain right here. I'm going to get my Starbucks and every woman that you find attractive, you're going to go over and you're going to use your cool, cool pickup lines. And when it fails, you're going to come back and tell me, hey, they hated me. And we're going to do this for an hour and tell me that this is a good idea. Tell me that this is the way to do it. And if you still believe at the end of this hour that you're not the problem, then we're done. Like, I'm not going to be your friend anymore.

Yeah. I think you just got to lay down the law. And the thing is... And then make him smoke a pack of cigarettes. You got to make him smoke the entire pack right there. The good thing is, one of the ways to do this is to refuse to be his friend anymore if he continues. And he's made it easy because he sucks so much you don't want to be his friend.

So it's easy to be like, hey, if you continue to be this way, I don't want to be your friend because you fucking suck. Yeah. And then follow through on that threat, mainly for your sake, but in the hopes that also that we'll get through to them. But, you know, there's no point hanging on to someone who's a lost cause after a certain point. And if you've had a crush on them, like, I don't want to leverage that too much. If you're not sure, I don't want you to be like, hey, you know, before you start, like, I was actually kind of vibing with you until you started doing this. And this has actually really turned me off of you. Because if you're not too sure, then I feel that's just he's like oh okay i'll change amazing

let's date and you're like oh you've ruined it though right like i feel like that's going to be the final shove into like incel territory of being like oh she you know she said she liked me and then when i when i changed and became like a false when i threw out my three andrew tate quilts yeah covered and come just so soaked through my very stiff andrew tate quilts yeah so maybe you don't go i i was like flirting with that idea in my head but i don't think it's the way to go no i think you have to leave that out until he makes his decision it's got to be something he decides on his own if he's doing it for the sake of you in hopes of just fucking you, because if he's gone down the path of like,

oh, women are just sort of like a puzzle I need to solve in order to get sex, then he might just do the same thing to you and that fucking sucks and it's unfair to you as well. So I think you leave the whole you having a crush on him on the side and just sort of approach him honestly and be like, hey, you know,

do the things we said and just sort of give him that option of just being like, look, if this is how you want to behave, I have no interest in hanging out with you anymore. And if he's like, cool, I don't need you, then be like, all right, your loss. It's not my problem because I promise you he's he's not going to find any success in this you know what i mean like at the end of the day he's not going to be walking away with like one less friend but like a harem of women who are interested in him because nobody is interested in pickup artists no and hey if he does revert and you do solve that crush then it'll be the carrot after the stick i guess maybe I don't want to refer to you as a carrot. Yeah.

All right. We got another long one here. Myself, 30, and the person who works across the street, 32, have been flirting on and off for weeks. I work in a flower shop. So the first time he came in, while trying to make him the right bouquet, the subject of relationships came up. He said he was buying flowers for his ex and has come in since to talk and buy flowers for his apartment this time. My question, do I trust that things are over with his ex and ask him out? Or am I being played despite how hard he's flirting? Is this a romantic comedy pitch?

I really like... We're not Netflix here, guys. If you're workshopping your fucking Hallmark special right now... I'm Amy Adams and he's Patrick Dempsey. I'm in. McSexy? McDreamy? McSteamy?

McSteamy? I haven't watched a single second of Crazy Adam. I'm pretty sure he's McDreamy. Can anyone confirm? McDreamy. Thank you. I fucking rule. Thank you.

Suck it, Dane, you piece of shit. The only Patrick Dempsey media I've ever watched is Made in Honor or Made of Honor. You haven't watched fucking Greatest... Made in Honor? Made in Honor. Made of Honor? Made of Honor. Made in Honor makes no sense.

I don't know. It's not a Call of Duty ripoff. It'd be fucking kick-ass if it was, though. I would watch Patrick Dempsey do that. You go in there, you think you're getting a fucking romantic comedy, and he's just fucking... He's McShootie?

Yeah, just shoots a bunch of teenagers playing video games. Back to the question. Fuck, I forgot everything about the question. Patrick Dempsey is coming into a flower shop. Amy Adams works there, and he's like, oh, I'm buying it for my ex-girlfriend. And now I'm in here buying flowers for my apartment, which is a totally normal thing to do, I guess. Neither of these things are normal things to do yeah do you think he came in to flirt with you the first time and then beefed the excuse you just fucking then came in the second time and still kind of beefed it because

like buy flowers for my ex why did he specify why she's dead oh can i get a whoop if he specified or you can be silent. It's okay. It's very silent. No, it's silent. Fuck. Damn. Are you dead? Is it like that Emilia Clarke fucking Christmas movie? Wait, there's no one at that table. It's been empty since 1953.

Fuck. I would love to know why he bought them for his ex. Because if it was like, oh, I bought them for my ex. It's her birthday. I'd be like, all right. Weird. I mean, not weird. You he bought them for his ex. Because if it was like, oh, I bought them for my ex. It's her birthday. I'd be like, all right. Weird. Because at that point. I mean, not weird.

You could be friends with your ex. Well, you can be. But if I met a stranger, I would be like, oh, I bought these for my friend. Yes. Right? If I met my friend who knew my ex, I'd be like, oh, I'm buying them for her. But they'd know I'm friends with her. If I was making a move on someone, the last words out of my mouth would be, I'm buying these cool

flowers for my cool ex. Yes. Yes. But also, mind them for your apartment. He's either the coolest guy or the weirdest liar. Yeah, he's either just like just killing it. You know what I mean? Like he's going in and he's buying his fucking Yeah, his fucking apartment flowers?

Oh, I want to be this man. I was literally trying to think of a flower. Fuchsias. That's a color. Also a flower. Is there a flower? Hold on. Is there a flower called fuchsias?

Guys, you can lie to make me see. And they were the ones who said that it was McDreamy, so I trust them 100%. Every point I gained has been lost fuchsias i panicked honestly it's not even a normal color that's why i went with it tulips violets yeah there's that's a color and damn it i think maybe i was thinking of violets me and matt we have a mind mel but from this distance and you went with the most obscure shade of you know what fine blue delphiniums you can't what

your ass hey guys hey dane hey guys hey dave one thank you two you again so hard oh i love you i was so. I looked up his favorite flower. You're saying his name is Ben, but all I hear is Judas. I'm hearing fucking Ben the Great. I didn't yell it out, though. Judas. You're right. Yeah, you just silently kissed me on the cheek.

He was like, Niall's right, but also fuck him. Wow, that was a roller coaster. What the fuck is this question? Damn. Okay. Amy Adams is buying flowers for McSteamy. McDreamy is buying flowers and he's bad at it. I feel like the ex thing is weird.

The ex thing is weird. I think if you were- And the apartment flowers is weird. So maybe it's just a really cool dude who likes his ex and buys flowers for his apartment. Honestly, this could be the healthiest man alive. Yeah, it could be. This could be the most emotionally intelligent. He's not afraid to buy flowers for his apartment.

He just likes nice things. Great. He's got a healthy relationship with his ex. Love it. It's all green flags. Unless. Unless it's lies. Unless it's not a healthy relationship with his ex,

and he was trying to get her back, and then she was like, no, I fucking hate fuchsias. That's a color, not a flower. And then he was like, well, the only thing that's going to cheer up my day is to go and buy some flowers, I guess. Man, I so killed it with that flower thing.

I'm so mad. Oh, I love it. I think there's so little to go on that would make it seem like he is still with his... Like, there's no red flags with the ex yet, apart from the fact that she's been mentioned and there are flowers. But if he were a lying boy,

he presumably would have lied better about the ex. Yeah. Right? Here's my thing. you're in the power position here right you know more about all the fuchsias you have all the flowers and this man can't get enough of them apparently i would just like the next if he comes in again just be like oh you're buying flowers for your ex again right no yes yes 100 make a fucking sweat this man make him fucking sweat be like oh are they for your ex and if he's like no he's like oh well you know be like cool maybe buy them for me next time

oh right i think like fucking fucking take advantage of like have some initiative he seems like a chatty boy right so if he came in last time and he was chatty and he comes in next time i think it's totally okay for you to be like, Hey, you bought flowers for your ex. I think that's really cool. Like what was the occasion? And if he's like, Oh, car crash. Yeah. She fucking, it was for her grave.

You go, yes. No, don't do that audibly inside your head. Um, but like you could say that and he's either gonna have to scramble for another lie or he'll tell you the truth and you could determine if that truth is weird or not. And then if the answer lines up, hit him with Dane's cool line where you say, buy it for me next time. Or tell him your favorite flower and be like, you know, fuchsias. When you go and pick me up, fuchsias. I would love these.

Fucking crickets. What is happening? I feel like we're in a giant clock and someone is like winding us up we're your fucking oven trying to make fucking hamburger help exactly uh but yeah i think you get chatting you see if he's a very acrobatic liar or you just fucking go make a fucking move and see if he's acrobatic in other ways yeah because the thing is, it's so hard to know from here. If you get closer to him, you'll have more shit and also sex. So, just do it.

Go for it. Also, fuck, if you get to his apartment and there's no apartment flowers, fucking liar. That's it. Wait long enough till your apartment flowers have died and if you go and there aren't fresh apartment flowers that you haven't been in, in he fucking lied he did lie to you or he

just bought them to flower you shit yeah he has so many flowers in his garbage can he's like I got us because flowers aren't cheap like they're fairly pricey I think though they are yeah I found a cool place that is anyway that's a different thing and so it's like I feel like if this man's flirting with you and spending too much money on flowers just fucking shoot your shot and that's that's my scenario for everyone and i i don't want to like if this was the flower guy asking i'd be like leave him alone she's working yes but you have the power because you're the worker you're the employee harass that man harass the fuck yeah business, like, just put yourself out of business.

Be like, every time I try to buy apartment flowers, this woman tries to bring me home. Or come to my home to check to see if I'm actually buying flowers. She keeps saying, I'll be your apartment flower. And also, why haven't we your ex, though? She keeps calling me Patrick Dempsey. Look at it. This is another one. Hypothetically, asking for a friend. You don't have to. We're're a safe space you don't have to lie here

my partner wants to take a year long break in a few months they think after they take this time to find themselves they will be ready to commit to our relationship I love them and want a future with them.

I hope that I can convince them to reconsider by being an amazing partner over the coming months. We have been dating for years. I don't want to throw this away. What should I do? It says a name here. I'm not going to read it. Just, you know, I want to respect privacy.

But I might ask clarifying questions um i will say you do your t's very strange and there are times here where i think you're being racist what there's a word up there that looks slurrish but i figured it out don't worry guys we're good i just thought it was fun because one of them, when they wrote them, it looks like Ken. And I was like, yeah, Barbie themed. I also thought it was Ken. Yeah. Yes.

I think, look, I'm pro non-monogamy. I am pro opening relationships. I'm pro exploring the things that you need to explore to be a better partner. I do not like when people put an addendum onto that. Yes. Of being like, let's open up. I need it so I can fully appreciate it. And then maybe I will be able to commit to you. And it's fine.

If you're not ready to commit to someone, it also seems like they're partners. I don't know how long they've been together. I'm not sure. If the question asker wants to explain how long their friend has been together, that's fine. You can shout it out. Three years. Three years. Three years.

Okay. That's a fairly long time. That's a substantial amount of time to be together. I think that you, like I said, if you need to, if you want to talk to your partner about opening up a relationship, that's cool. But I don't like the idea of being like, hey, I'm just going to fuck off for a year. We're not going to be, like if you're opening it, that's fine. That's something you guys can talk about. But taking a break implies that you guys aren't together anymore. Yes.

Right? Like you're asking to break up for a year so that you can do whatever and then maybe come back a year later and be like hey i now value you or want to commit to you or whatever and that's the thing is like adding the like oh then i'll value you then i'll be sure like you're not enough but maybe after this this will add value to you yeah that sucks also it's it's gonna suck regardless but the fact that it isn't immediate as well if it was like hey i want to take a break is that fine that would be one thing that would still not be good but to be like i'm gonna take a break from you in four months right because it's not immediate it's in a few months and they're like oh can i be a good partner in the meantime which is

i know they've made their mind that's the thing it's like yeah if you're going to do this have the conversation now and like why a few months like that that's a good point that you made like what i'm going to assume maybe a trip or like they know someone's coming back into town there's a reason for that and the reason is suspicious and they're not going to be there after this time i've done things like this i've had people like oh we should go on a break so we know that we're not gonna like you know regret being with each other so young in two months when i go to thailand yeah and you you're like, okay, you just want to fuck people in Thailand. And that's fine.

If that's what you want, be fucking honest. You know what I mean? Open that door and be like, hey, I'm going on a trip. I'm backpacking through Europe for six weeks and I would love to open up my opportunities during that time.

Yeah. And if your partner's like, hey, I don't want that, then you either choose to be like, okay, cool. That's fine. I shot my shot and you know I I respect you and I will I I won't you know pursue that or we're gonna break up or that is

actually something that I really want to do and I wanted to float it past you first but that's that's where I want to be and you break up and on top of that i've also been in a situation where i was dating someone but i had to move home and they didn't want to do long distance so we had like a expiry date yeah and that also fucking sucks no that's and this is both of those things mashed together and it's all shit because like it's like me walking up to you and be like hey now two weeks you're dead and then just walking off. At least I could live my life. You could live your life. But it's like you know that the end is coming.

Well, like in two weeks, if I was like, we're not going to be friends in two weeks. Yeah. Like what? Why would I hang out with you next? Can I be a really good friend in the next two weeks if he doesn't cut me off? I know. It's going to happen regardless. The point of being with someone is to, especially as a partner, if you're with someone for three years, presumably it's like you want to be with them. You want to make long-term plans.

And I'm not saying you have to plan to be together for 20 years or whatever. But the reason you get with someone, the reason why you choose someone, and the reason why you commit to someone is because you're like, hey, I like you, and I see a future for us. And again, it doesn't have to be a monogamous future. It doesn't have to be, it could be any kind of future, but I wouldn't call someone my partner that I wouldn't want to continue to see

or feel like at any point in time I would be like, I'm done with you right like that seems it seems crass it seems uh cold it seems it seems very calculated in a way that they are choosing themselves without any consideration to you and after three years i think you are at least owed consideration for sure and i think what's really happening is they want their freedom and they want you kind of on the hook because and that's the other thing you're gonna be the only one on a break right they're not gonna be on a break presumably they have plans yes they they have something they want to break for right and

it's like what is what's the what's the terms of this break are you just supposed to chill for a year and wait for them to maybe come back to you because like again the whole thing is like i should be ready to commit to you like this should be what i need to do and that sucks that that idea of being like just sitting in a gray space for a year and a bit yeah because it's happening in a few months of just being like, cool, I really hope they still like me after this year. And the thing is, you're not the one with plans. So they're gonna do what they're doing,

but you're not gonna know what to do. And I'll bet you fucking anything, if for some reason, after that year passes and you get back together, they're gonna hold what you did on that break over you. I would also love to know, is the person who wants to break a dude or a lady i believe it's a lady because it's lady yeah i mean she's fucking more than him yeah probably because like i i one of my favorite things is to watch is like dudes who think that like the

pasture is greener on the other side and then they they... And they force their partner into an open relationship and then immediately want to fucking end it. Yeah, and then he's like, oh, I can't get laid. And she's like, everyone wants to fuck me. It's easy for me. And then all of a sudden it's like,

well, I don't know if this is fair. Maybe this is the wrong choice. We get questions about this all the time. So yeah, I don't think it's a good idea i think if this person really wants to go and explore you know their sexuality or their singleness or whatever they need to break up and they need to break up now not in like hey i'm gonna dump you in four months that's fucking insane so if they want to sure that's fine they're allowed to do that but they need to do it now and if they want

to get back together that's a thing they decide in a year and a half or whenever they feel ready but your friend needs to not be thinking of that and if for some reason in a year and a half this guy reappears and wants to and they also want to sure great but the ensuing time needs to be them over that person not waiting on them and not thinking about them. That's the thing. You need to go into that break if you're okay with it, which I think you probably shouldn't be, in my opinion. If you go into it, you need to be like, great. No, there's no break.

There can't be a break. Right, yes. I don't think there can be a break. You need to be like, great. I might not be here after that. For sure. Right? to be like great i might not be here after that for sure right like you need to lay that down and be like hey if we're gonna do this then there is just as likely a chance of you not being ready to commit as me not wanting to be with you again yes and that's and if they're cool with that then

that's a sign that you guys have run your course break up and maybe reconvene in a year if you want but you know live your life yeah how much time we got on this little second set that's about it a little a little you want to do a quick one let's do one quick one do you have a quick one let me do a quick one uh this is by abyssal bunny 69 420 nice blaze it how would you ask a girl out that works at subway i've recently been talking to a girl that works at a local Subway, and it seems like she's flirting with me, and I want to see if this could possibly work, but I don't want to make it awkward.

Before I can answer this question, is it Amy Adams or Patrick Dempsey who works at Subway? I think it's Patrick Dempsey. Patrick Dempsey is a sandwich artist? Yes. Okay. Obviously. McSandwichy? No, Obviously. McSandwichy?

No. McSixinchy? McFootlongy? So that's where I was going to go. It's always going to be a footlong. I think you have to go to the counter and just straight up be like, look, I'm here for a footlong. And he's

like, aw. Six inches on special? i could fuck you twice meatball marinara then please red it's red dempsey i don't know that's what i get at subway it's my hangover cure i know um don't hit on people that work at places just ever really. No, that's okay. That's too simplified because all people work at places generally. Yep. Don't hit them while they're alone.

Don't hit on them while they're at work. Sure. Um, yes. Look, I can't think of a less sexy place than a subway. Wow. Right? Like you walk in everything smells like the subsauce

which just smells like BO. I don't care what anyone fucking says. Subsauce is BO sauce. Fight me. Does anyone anyone know what I'm talking about? Do you think subsauce smells like BO? I'm seeing noice.

I'm gonna need a series of whoops. Okay, everyone who thinks subsauce smells like bo please give me a whoop two sad whoops because that's what bo does to you it also was an alternate name we considered for our podcast um no i think what you got to do is what two sad whoops okay it was it was funny maybe there was bo sub sauce yeah bo subce was all... No. I think you go in and you get a footlong and you say, hey, I'm just getting a footlong from my ex. And then a few weeks later... You go in and you'd be like, hey, this is from my house.

This is my apartment footlong. This is my apartment footlong. And then they go to a sex and date advice show. We say, go for it. Yeah. Again, it's so it i can't again if i was work if i was making you a very cool italian cold cut sandwich very and then i'm you know i'm layering it on you're like yes i would like cheese and toasted

um and then you were like hey do you want to go out with me? I would be like, I'd be very flattered. I guess. I don't know. I just, all I want to know is if you want green peppers, dude. Fucking leave me alone. I think the ball is in their court because you don't want to harass someone at a place of work. You just got to be a little flirty and see if they take you up.

You got to go get some boys fucking every day. Even on the days where they got the bad specials, because that's when they'll know. They'll be like, wait a minute. He's in here on the tuna thing we got sued for for not being tuna. Yeah. Our suspicious tuna sandwich, Dan? Yeah. You're here for that?

Damn. But that's really risky, because they're either going to be like 100% hitting on me. They love me. I'm safe. Or this guy's a fucking psychopath. Yeah, there's no way I'm dating this guy. He's eating Subway tuna. I mean, I'm the firm believer of like,

if someone is working, especially a minimum wage job, cashier, Subway artist. Tip them high, wink a lot. Wink a lot. That's it. Leave them a $69 tip. Ooh 69 tip maybe 69 cents i don't know this economy maybe like whatever your tip should be that's good but also 69 i'm four dollars 20

i'm saying if you want to make a a statement yeah you pay fucking 80 for a Subway sandwich. That's just me. We're going to take a quick break, friends. Once again, pee, smoke, drink, eat. Hamburger helper. This is your last chance to get those posts off for those shots. I know. That's all I'm saying. And also, your last chance to get questions into us.

If you have questions like these, we would love to answer them for you. They were a good fucking batch, so thank you. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We're back. It's the last of three. Aww.

Aww. You guys fucking went buck wild on these questions for the last act here. Yeah. You gave us a lot. We're going to try to go through them fast because we also have to go through some Tinder profiles as well. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

So let's just fucking do it. Also, there are shots coming to the winning table, and we will make noise when it happens. We will make noise. And thank you for those who posted or tweeted or whatever about us. It starts off, I guess. Yeah. When a woman invites you to a two-girl, one-guy threesome, what are the protocols? Rules of engagement.

For the man. Okay. First thing I would ask are or is grammar. Are you into each other? I think it's really, really important to know how much work you're going to be doing. Because if you're going into a threesome and the ladies are straight, it's a lot less fun and a lot more work. Right? Like you are sort of the sole proprietor of pleasure at that point in time.

And conversely, is one of you not straight and does not want me touching them or doing anything with them? Like boundaries are very essential. So like are we all down to do everything? Are you going to be doing stuff with each other? Am I only going to be interacting with one of you? If so, how much? That's pretty essential.

Another thing, like all sexual relationships, protection. How do you want to deal with that? Are we switching condoms every time there's a new partner being,

like, you know, pleasured? Are we using the same condom? Are we not using condoms what's the deal what's the the protocol what do you want to follow that would be top of my list those two are the most important in my opinion at that point in time i think it's important to know the relationship between the two women or the are they dating are they friends yes um because i

think knowing that boundary if i knew like if i was getting into a threesome and I knew that they were a bi couple, I would be a lot more on my game and a lot more alert of checking with the other person to see how they were feeling during the act. Yeah. Right? Because I would like to like check in and be like, are you getting weird right now? Yeah. Because I would like to check in and be like, are you getting weird right now? Because if you're getting weird right now, I would probably sort of take a back seat and let you sort of swoop in and jump in and control the action for a bit.

The crickets agree. They always do. And on top of that, if they are dating and you're the third coming in and you're cool, maybe be like, hey, how about we establish a safe word so that if somebody is getting uncomfortable we all know it so it's not just a between you two thing i would like to be behind the curtain on helping out if possible yeah no no your role in the the situation are

you just sort of like a a dick to you're just to be substituted in is that is that where you want to be or are you the centerpiece yeah i. I think that's an important question to ask. For sure. I think, yeah. And on top of that, I would just like meet before you get down to the deed. Go out for a drink beforehand. Chat. Maybe have a coffee a few days prior.

You know, don't just go into it like raw. And I mean that socially. You know, have a chat. Get to know them. You might not jive. I think there needs to be a moment of sort of like outside of the bedroom connection to see if it happens because if you go in and like

especially if you don't know the third lady if you get in there and you're like I'm not attracted to you at all that would suck so I think you do need to have like a sit down whether it's a casual couple of drinks beforehand or whatever you do need to sort of

parse that situation out for sure. Yeah. I'm seeing someone who doesn't have an income source and he's not making much of an effort. Jeez, guys. Yikes.

In this economy? I'm just impressed. Not making much of an effort to change that. Do I continue to take care of everything or move on? We get a lot of no's and move on in the audience it's really hard to not agree with them i guess the point would be one how are they surviving in this economy where are they living like even the long goes trip these days is fucking rough like i mean I mean, I do quite well. I'm like very comfortable.

And even then I have to start to be like, Oh, it's almost the end of the month for rent. Yeah. If I didn't have money coming in. So is he just secret balling? In which case don't cover anything. Do you want to just hook up every now and then?

If so, what are you paying for? I would also love to know, like, are you living together and you're paying all the rent because if that's the case i would be my my leash would be a lot shorter if like we were sharing amenities right like if i was paying for all the rent and paying for all the groceries if it's like oh we meet up every couple every now and then and like we grab a

couple drinks i cover the bill and then we go home and fuck if it's good sex then fuck it whatever yeah but you can also transition to fucking cheap shit you can legally drink a Bellwoods now have a beer there

then go fuck not in the park or in the park not under that tree that kills people though what? did you not hear about the devil tree?

no so a branch fell on someone and killed them in Bellwoods a few days ago idiots very sad not no the trees killed before he thirsts for blood tree has killed now i believe twice in a couple of

years now do we think it's a tree do we think it's that white squirrel oh i don't know i think it's the tree because it's a devil tree uh so yeah don't under the devil tree unless you like excitement uh yeah like if it's a fling transition to free dates if it's someone you're with like a partner talk to them about like what they want to do and why they don't have an income source you know what i mean like you if you're living together and you're like long-term dating and you can't have this chat that that's a whole other fucking issue. If you can have this chat, have it. And you're very capable of living with one income source. So kick their ass out.

Yes, exactly. But like if, you know, sometimes it's tough and if they have plans, it's just not working out for them. You could be supportive and it can be cool. But, you know, they need to have plans that are realistic and that they're actually acting on you know they can't just like oh no no i'm gonna do this thing and that thing is either like i'm gonna go talk to a fucking i'm a dj down the road and get a job so i can be hit on and then they don't or yeah i'm gonna be a dj any day now so yeah you you know you know you know whether whether or not to call it quits okay what the

fuck does this say oh here let me read this i got this translated let's fucking swap i'll take this okay um this is a two-part question they're not related there's just two questions here have you ever had sex with a sling on i feel like hey don't look around the room, y'all. Because I feel like it could be very obvious where this came from. Oh, like as in like your arms in the sling? Yes. Oh, I've had sex with someone whose arm was in the sling.

Yeah. It was kind of scary. Because like every now and then you'd want to like flip someone over or like do something. And it's like, even if you got a little rough, they're like, ah. And you're like, oh, fuck. So be gentle be gentle be in a position where they don't need to either use that arm

to like prop themselves up or that you're gonna land on it or something I don't know be careful of the fucking arm yeah I mean I think that's on both sides

that's very you need to sort of establish sort of like hey like let me know if anything feels uncomfortable and we'll stop right away. I think doggie's out, right?

Doggie's definitely out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you all need your arms for that. The cat's out of the bag where this one came from, y'all. And I love the confidence. What's the next one?

The next one is, when a guy can't get it up, what should a girl do? Be cool. Be cool about it. Be cool. It's fine. It'd be nice if you could, you know, just be cool to cool about it be cool it's fine it'll be nice if you could you know just be cool to them as cool as you can be i don't know it's not their fault ice cold is that it all right all right all right all right uh

that's how you know human podcasting too long together yeah yeah if only we had those shots we could have done them for that uh like it's an embarrassing thing to happen and it's generally not their fault you know what i mean if it's like someone who's always so fucking drunk they can't get it up that's not a getting it up issue it's a drinking issue you know what i mean if they're not getting it up for any other reason it could be anything it could be tiredness it could be whatever it's to be the same it's like what if a girl's not that wet? It's like, be cool.

Yeah, relax. Just take it easy. Be fucking chill. There's a lot of things. Come on. It happens. Hey, if you don't have that problem, that's fucking wonderful. You know what I mean?

But a lot of women do have that problem. It can be medical. It can be psychological. It could be Ben shapiro's wife it could be a lot of things so you just gotta be chill you know what i mean that's it i think that's about it really and again if there is an extenuating circumstance like say a porn addiction like we talked about earlier maybe recommend therapy if it's alcohol related maybe be like hey next

time we hang out let's not get fucked up you know but like you being supportive is always going to be the best course of action in resolving that because if you're not the brain's going to be so fucked up next time you're in that situation that that might be the issue making him not get it up you know and penetrative sex isn't the only means of pleasure for sure right there are you have fingers you have mouth you have You have fingers. You have mouth. You have tongue. You have toys. You have tongue.

You have butt. You have a lot of stuff. You have a lot of things that you can do at your disposal that doesn't require a penis to achieve sexual pleasure in a heteronormative couple. Yeah. And if your partner is utterly unwilling to do those things, again, it's not the fault of them getting up. It's a different issue. Yeah. Techniques of eating pussy. Perfect segue.

Yeah. Can't get it up? Damn. Let's go. Did you guys fucking plan this? Did you plan that one? You guys one-two punch us? Eating pussy is... People can't get enough of it. Eating pussy is is great um there are there are things that you need to think about when you're performing oral sex on a woman

and it is uh the clitoris wait what that's a myth it doesn't exist yeah yeah next um the next thing you you need to think about is the femaleitoral. Female pleasure also doesn't exist. The clitoral hood and also internal stimulation. Those are all things that take place and are sometimes required for good oral sex. Going right to the clit sometimes is too much. Sometimes people are too sensitive. Sometimes you need to sort of massage the labia with your tongue circumvent the the whole sort of situation before you get into it

i think going slow at least to begin with is a very good technique because people like to either go straight for the goods and overdo it way too quick tire themselves out or just think that they need to motorboat it to motherfucking hell yeah and then their tongue gets sore and they give up and they're like you haven't come yet it's been 12 seconds yeah it's like when people like try to use like their finger and they're just like I'm gonna DJ this shit out of this clit yeah so it's more of a marathon that's not good enough for you so find a pace you're comfortable at that you can go find a rhythm and don't change that rhythm especially when they say hey that's really good keep doing that and your brain wants to be like

change it you're like no why would you do that there's a there's a there's an impulse that we have as men where we feel you getting close and we can feel you breathing heavier we can feel you moaning louder change it up and i'm we're like i'm just gonna go as hard as i fucking can right now for no reason yeah um and it's it's you takes all of your fucking willpower gentlemen and i understand that you just need to fucking chill play within them keep doing it keep doing what you're doing it'll be fine yeah um also up to like put fingers in there while your tongue's going ham you have two two. Unless they don't want that. Unless they don't want it.

That's fine too. Which is fine. Everyone's different. Everyone is allowed to like what they like. You also have two distinct functions of tongue. Pointed, flexed, and not flexed. Or the lollipop tongue. The lollipop tongue.

And they both serve purposes in which you can derive pleasure from. So figure out what works. Talk with your partner. Ladies, communicate with your partner. Let them know when things are working. Let them know when things aren't working. If you want it faster. If you want it faster or harder or, you know.

Softer. Softer. Lollipop tongue. Lollipop tongue. Also, you can go up and down. You can go left to right. You can do circles. Fucking utilize them.

Okay. There we go. We got an exactly can do circles. Fucking utilize them. Okay. Here we go. We got an exactly. Here's a question for you. There's a lot of time people talk about, and I'm pretty sure it's from the American Pie movie in which you spell the alphabet. Is that cool? I don't think. Does that feel good?

Because I feel like most letters completely miss the click. Like a C? Unless you've got a very small tongue. Yeah. Maybe I'm doing letters too big. No, I feel like that's also the opposite of the rhythm question, where it's like every shape is so fucking different. It's like, he got the click.

Oh, he missed it. Oh, he clipped it. Oh, he's on it. Like, no. I don't think anyone likes that. Do you love the alphabet? Is the alphabet approach great for you guys? Does anyone like the alphabet?

Is anyone cool with it? No. A lot of shrugging happening out there yeah i didn't i didn't think so and i'm glad like fuchsia is to be proven so right once again next time i go down on someone i'm gonna write them a secret letter and it says fuchsia um also a little sucking on the clip we'll draw a little bit more blood to it. Not much. Don't just do that. Don't do it too hard. Be careful of teeth.

There we go. Finger or hand on the pubis. A little pressure up helps reveal the clitoral hood or pull the clitoral hood back. Reveals the clitoris. You're in pleasure town, baby. Yeah, and when it gets really sloppy,

you do need to have a hand out of the moisture zone to do that. Anyway. We could talk about this all day, y'all gets really sloppy, you do need to have a hand out of the moisture zone to do that. Anyway. We could talk about this all day, y'all. All right, go. I believe that was my one. Oh. This is four parts?

How do you find a man not on a dating app? In this bar right now. Fucking other bars. Fucking hobbies. There we go. We did it. Literally walk onto the street. Go to the Eaton Center. I'm sure There we go. We did it. Literally walk onto the street. Go to the Eaton Center.

I'm sure there's a guy outside Forever 21. Lying in wait. There's nine guys behind a bush fucking talking about, like, I don't know, day game. You got them. Yeah. Just say something like, I agree with Andrew Tate. I fucking love the Godfather. I've never seen The Godfather.

I thought Barbie was a little heavy handed. It's like fucking 19 dudes coming out of a bush. Is it weird for a woman to go to a happy hour by herself? Will she get hit on more if she's alone? No and then yes. Maybe. No and then maybe. It depends.

Go to all the happy hours you want. You'll probably get hit on anyway. You've seen Toronto Man. But here's the thing. If you don't want to go to a happy hour, don't go to one. Yeah.

If you're going there to get hit on, you're going to sit there and be fucking weird. It's like when the person is too high or drunk and they're trying not to be high or drunk.

So you think you're sitting there being sexy, sipping your martini, but really you're just like yeah if you're going to a happy hour to be hit on it's probably gonna come through it's and then only the weirdest or most desperate people will be like yes because you know how you open the door to get hit on is you go and you have your drink and you like start a conversation with like either the bartender or someone near you and like despite the fact that like you might not be like flirting with those people that

conversation opens up for the dude who's sitting next to you if you're talking about i don't know how you like missy elliott because that's what's on my laptop right now and the dude beside you is like yeah i love get Freak On because that's the song that's on my Spotify right now. You open the door, but if you just sit there by yourself on your phone scrolling, you're probably not going to see a whole lot of return on that.

Yeah, because the person who's going to interrupt that probably sucks. Yeah. That's the guy who's going to tell you to take your headphones out so you can be like, what are you reading? So you can smile more and then talk to him.

Yeah. You're prettier when you smile. If that's what you want, then go to every happy hour and you'll live it up. The crickets love it. Is it a turn off for a woman

who makes the first move? What slash how forward should she be? So we talked about this the other day. Yeah, I think last episode. It's not, I love when a woman

makes the first move. I love an assertive woman. Everybody loves when a woman makes the first move. I love an assertive woman. Everybody loves when the woman makes the first move. However, however, you gotta be chill. Ladies, chill the fuck out.

Like, I feel like a lot of times you're like, you've never hit on anyone before. Yeah. Because you never had to. You've never had to. So you came in like a fucking wrecking ball. Yeah.

A lot of, this is, I've never been hit so hard before. We love, that's all the love that's all i only wanted to break your walls all you ever did was break a ache me um i love watching women hit on people because it's like that scene where bambi is walking on the ice because a lot of the times it is it's so uncomfortable because it's so intense like women who women who want to like pick up that night will go and just be like hey you want to yeah and you know who says that russian bots on twit on like tinder yeah for sure like

that's that's what you sound like you sound like ai and the worst man and. It's kind of like that scene in Miley Cyrus' Wrecking Ball when the wrecking ball comes through the wall. Because it's just, there's no tact. There's no, there's not even like a second's hesitation. It's just like, you wanna fuck? And then you lick a sledgehammer. And the guy is like, yes, but what's the catch? Yeah.

And they're scared. How many people do you have in your apartment waiting to fucking harvest my organs yeah so have a chat be chill like make sure you want to fuck the person you want to fuck but like think of how you would want a guy to come on to you and do it that way yeah because often again no shade to anyone's room i don't know how you hit on people a lot of times when women do hit on people it's literally just the sledgehammer approach. And it's what they would tell guys to not do.

Less is more. You know what? I heard that from a really good cooking show called Wizard Sauce. Less is more. One more on this bad boy. When should the woman back off and let the man lead? The Paso Doble. Yeah, the Paso Doble for sure.

If he's not swirling that cape, you're doing a bad job. Like, I don't know. If it's going well and you're leading, fuck it. It's a give and take. Everything in relationships is a compromise and a give and take. If it's going well and you're sort of like leading the charge and you're enjoying it and you're enjoying it cares do it if you're leading everything and he's not then yeah and you're not enjoying it that's probably a time where you need

to either like have a talk about it which actually yeah it's the time you talk about it yeah if you're like hey i fucking pay for everything or hey i instigate every date or hey i instigate sex all the time that's a conversation but like it shouldn't be this passive like well your turn now unless it's early days in which case you're always putting in there can be a time to back off and see if they fill the void yeah but like if you're happy you're good if you're not either have a chat or see what happens and that's that's the time it all goes back to don't play into the like stereotypical gender roles of you know the fucking 50s where like oh if a woman asks me out she's a whore yeah it's it's so fucking tired like and if and if any dude feels that way

never talk to him again ever if if you want to ask someone out ask them out yes and if they get weirded out by that or think you're less of a person that's sick because you know they suck shit you've speed run that like that encounter and that relationship of being like hey okay cool you don't value women autonomy nice I know I never have to talk to you again you're that insecure great you're gonna fucking suck as a partner anyway I've got one I've got one more I got one more I have a friend she's gone on four dates with a demisexual but on their second date they went to second base fast forward to date three sex twice fourth date nothing now she feels a little predatorial huh um demisexual i believe correct me if i'm wrong if anyone knows the true definition i think

now it's gonna look it up right now. But I believe demisexual is just sort of like, it's definitely a sexual orientation. People who identify as demisexual only feel sexual attraction to someone after they've formed a strong emotional bond with them. That's just off the top of my head. I just feel like compared to the general population, most people who are demisexual

rarely feel sexual attraction. And some have little to no interest in sexual activity. Interesting. That's just off my dome just my dome just spit just domino um okay interesting so can you run me through the the sex steps that they've had second date second base third date sex twice fourth date nothing i don't think you're predatory at all why would you going on a date doesn't mean you have to have sex with someone and you could go on a 100th date and only do second base stuff if that's all you're willing to do you don't owe someone sex after like there isn't a date count of being like well we've gone on x amount of dates guess we gotta fuck that's not how it works it's

not a it's not a vending machine of sex where you put in time and money. And it's not like once you've had sex, it's like, well, I got to have sex every time now. Sometimes it's nice if you, you know, to just not have sex with someone. I would just love to know what happened day four. Where were they? How did it end? You know what I mean? Like, were you out somewhere and they had to dip?

Maybe you did something and he had to dip maybe you did something and he was fucking sweaty and weird i don't know like maybe he just didn't feel it which is fine men are allowed not want to have sex do we know it's a dude uh well we don't but she's gone on a date with someone i assumed i was heteronormative you're right is the guy you can whoop if it is a guy the partner that's a good girl that's fine you can whoop if it's a girl you don't get no whoop that's fine you don. You can whoop if it's a girl. Or you can no whoop. That's fine. You don't have to whoop.

Either way. Either way, it doesn't matter. Women are also allowed not to want to have sex. If you don't want to have sex on a date, you don't have to have sex on a date. That's fine. Yeah, I don't see where the predatory feelings come from because there was a progression,

and it's like just because it didn't happen day four, that's fine. Who knows what's going to happen on day five? Yeah. Maybe anal. Maybe. Not that that's a progression of things this is a puzzle so we have to figure out if it's how fast were they going on date two first

date's nothing second date is second base but then sex twice date three nothing day four that means anal three times day five yeah date six first base yeah Yeah. It's being multiplied by the past sex of the last. Is this an escape room? Yeah, it's fine. Unless there's another reason they feel predatory. Unless that person was trying to force them into having sex when they didn't want to have sex. Predatory. If you had a date and they said, yeah, I'm going to go home.

Thanks for a lovely night. Also, day four, maybe they were like, you know you had a date and they said yeah i'm gonna go home thanks for a lovely night also like day four maybe they were like you know what something happened i maybe they were mean to wait staff and they were like i don't like this fucker anymore i don't know a lot of things can very heavy meal and it wasn't agreeing with maybe they had a dairy heavy meal we had someone bail on the show tonight because they had to poop so bad so it happens it happens i'm sorry for calling you out, but I didn't name you, so it's okay. A cute bartender was obviously, thank you, flirting with me. I thought he was just doing it for tips, but my friend said that she didn't get hit on, so it was specifically targeted to me.

So I wrote my name and number on a receipt and gave it to a different bartender to give it to the one that hit on me. But he never messaged me or called. Thoughts? It's massively likely that that never made it to them. There's a lot of wet surfaces in bars. Right? Like you put something down. If you give me something when I'm bartending.

Now give me. Someone drew a very nice picture. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. We're going crazy up here. Someone drew a very nice picture of us. I don't know if you can see that. It's like showing up. Probably not, but it's fucking powerful up here. Someone drew a very nice picture of us. I don't know if you can see that. It's like, probably not,

but it's fucking either way. It's a, it's a cool picture of us. And now I'll give it to me. And immediately I was like, you didn't give that to me. Yeah. He fucking gaslit me and lost it in his own pocket.

I guess. No, it was on the table on the table. All right. Things get lost. People are busy here in the bar. You've got like a thousand things in your fucking brain to do. Things are wet. Again, you put a bartender could hate the other bartender and be like for sure

this dude or in it might have gotten to the bartender and he didn't know whose receipt it was or whose number maybe he was like wait which one was it he was like oh no c5 which either could not have been your seat could have been somebody else or the guy doesn't know his seats which is pretty much everybody yeah so he might have thought it was someone else it might never have gotten to him either way fuck it who cares he could have watched his jeans the like the next day like maybe you look like a bad tipper and he only flirted with you we've done this show long enough and i've gone on enough like forums and reddit posts and shit where people are like i lost a number and i fucked up so bad what do i do misconnect have you checked misconnections on craigslist does that still

exist i flirted really hard with this girl even though i knew she would tip i didn't flirt with her friends she never gave me her number i don't know yeah i it sucks and i i'm sorry for it well i mean firstly fucking hell yeah for giving that number. Yeah, that's cool. That's ballsy. I love it. And that's... Oh, sorry.

TLC? Hey, no, keep it going. This is working. Hey, TLC, please. Please. It's our special guest, TLC. Now's not the time. The crickets are evolving.

They've learned the songs of our people. Crickets? Yeah, any number of things going to happen. I wouldn't feel bad. You shot your shot. And maybe he just wasn't into you. That sucks, but is a possible scenario.

Otherwise, you know. That's the thing. Worst case, he wasn't that into you, which is fine. Best case, that fucking idiot lost it. Everything in between is kind of just meh. Anything could have happened, but don't let this discourage you from shooting your shot. Maybe he was flirting with you, but he has a partner, and he just wanted them tips. I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. It's like maybe he's just that kind of guy. Because let me tell you, I will flirt with anyone and everything always. For tips. No. Just because. All right. so who knows okay we're gonna start to wrap things up which means we have two more segments one of which is tinder profile reviews and one of which is gonna be bad sex writing the tinder profile reviews i'm gonna read something out I'm gonna need a whoop if it's good or a boo if

it's bad right we're gonna start off with something a little new because someone didn't really understand what I asked for and she sent me responses to her hinge but it still works so you're gonna bloop if you would appreciate this response to one of your pictures on Hinge. We're going to start with this one. And this man says, what a beautiful and sexy lady, hard eyes emoji, compliments. My name is Gianni, a.k.a. Joe. Experienced, incredibly passionate, Italian stallion for you, smiley face.

Whoa, hold on whoa hold on hold on you're missing the best part of this is the fact that he has put all of what Niall just read in quotes and then attributed it to himself Joe yeah so not only did he send this message this is a quote he quoted himself also the second smiley face isn't an emoji it's him doing it like it used to do back in the fucking back in the days yeah oh poor italian stallion joe all right but that's just one of three that she sent me so the next one is a man his picture is him in a boat uh and he says i look i i don't know what this man's situation is but if you're driving a boat and you look like that, he literally looks like his eyes are closed and... You do need to look when you drive a boat. He's not paying attention. Let me just tell you that much.

He says, let's explore together. Learn about each other and why cheese is so fucking good. Flirting and kisses. Sing loud. Laugh hard. Come harder. Mac. Okay, so maybe Joe didn't

Maybe Joe didn't quote himself I didn't realize that was just Sorry, was that booze or whoops? I didn't It was booze You don't want to learn why cheese is good and come harder with Mac? Mac and cheese, yeah Maybe that was the joke he was going for but I doubt it and then this is the last one by Alex you look like what I imagined Harry

Potter's mom looked like now this girl is in her early 20s. Just, I don't know if that matters. Was that whoops or boos? A lot of confused people out there. I like the idea of being like, hey girl, you definitely look dead. If I was Voldemort. Voldemort fucked you up. I would fucking wreck your shit, you idiot, and scar your baby. You look like Aragorn's mom. I'd like that.

Although she'd be like 150. Anyway, now this is an audience submitted Tinder profile, which is the next part of our segment. They're going to be called Agent Bugle for this. God, I wonder where that one comes from who knows uh they do have a just glorious picture of them quite possibly the best picture i've ever seen in my life you know that picture of vladimir putin on a horse it's that but it's this man he's muscled he's looking well he's on a snowy field he's on a horse he's not wearing a top he is wearing jeans we don't usually talk about the pictures but it got to be talked it is incredibly important that we do and his profile

says can perform an excellent cartwheel hardcore new girl fan looking to get big spooned last picture is the only photo my cock you'll see hoping to rule the high seas and i will say the cock in question is the bird is his penis it. I hope it's not because it has a beak. It's wearing a hat. It's a bird. I don't know if you own this bird or if it's a funny joke. But it's funnier if you do own the bird. I would like a bloop if you own the bird.

His name is Bird. Oh, I love it. So you could say it's Cockburn? Cockburn. I love it. Okay. Can I get bloops or boos? Tentative blooping in a medium that's pretty good that's pretty good because you can't see

this horse photo and i dare say you change your mind because i'm telling you right now if you saw this horse photo you would say yes i'm about to say yes i can't i can't do that we have we're like lawyers it's the thing where they can't. Client privilege. Yeah. I have one more. Okay. This was an audience submitted Tinder profile where we're going to rate, I guess, is what the plan is here.

Oh, sorry. We never rate this one. I love New Girl. Yep. I like the jokes. I love the horse. I'm going to like a solid nine. I'm going to give it an eight.

Okay. Usually, I don't rate it an eight and usually I don't I don't write based on photos but I don't have any choice I I'm a man changed uh this is I'm not gonna I will say this is agent red top uh this is their Tinder profile I love concerts Old fashions Ranting about podcasts Trying new hobbies To see what sticks And the cow at Riverdale Farm

Take me to see your favorite band So I know it's real Riverdale Farm An actual place in Toronto? Yes Fuck yeah I love it What's the

Oh no Don't yell the cow's name I enjoy Obviously Old fashions. Concerts is vague. Ranting about podcasts. I hope you're ranting about us in a good way after this. Here's the thing.

I'm going to tell you right now. Fucking crickets? Wait, what do they say? If you want me to rate this, I will rate this a 10 right now if you promise to rant about us. In a good way. In a good way. In a good way. If you promise to rant about us in a good way, this is a 10, and way if you promise to if you promise to rant about us

in a good way this is a 10 and i don't have to think about anything else you know what damn yeah i'll sell out right now we'll sell out on stage right now there's a camera filming us we'll sell out on fucking film i'll any day just i i don't want to sell you i still gotta go for it cow and riverdale farm it's a really cute touch i love it. Honestly, for me, the profile is serviceable. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with it. I think it's a good profile. The fact that you love the Cow Riverdale Farm.

It's the best. It's so good. It fucking sells it because I've never seen anyone talk about anything like that before. And it's so fucking adorable. The good thing about bios is like specificity so like you say i love concerts i find that a little too impersonal tell me your favorite band you know i mean tell me your favorite venue like that's the details that like catch people but the cow the cow saves it the cow fuck i want to meet this cow there's a donkey at the x

that i would probably kill for that's just a little bit about me thank you thank you for coming to my ted talk uh i'm gonna give this a i'm gonna give this a nine i'm giving eight hell yeah now i will say it's very funny because they also did send a screenshot of a response that they get which is can i cream I cream pie you? And I would love to. When they said they were sending in their profile, they said they got responses like this. And I said, I would love to see your profile to see if there was something in it that, you know, prompted something like this.

I mean, cows technically make cream. Yeah, exactly. So you, no. Here's, man, let me tell you right now, the sort of like Renaissance painting style things that are happening in the screenshot of this man's message. Because at the top right, Tinder is prompting them to unmatch or report this man. Thanks, Tinder. Then Tinder at the same time is also offering you a pre-selected response, which is hi.

How's it going, Colin? You know what? There are two wolves inside you. One wants to unmatch Colin and block him. One's saying, Hi! And it's high with multiple eyes. It's so many eyes, Tinder!

It's such a slutty high. It's a slutty high. That's basically saying, yes, cream pie me call. Yeah, that's a pretty good profile. You want some randos from the wall, or are we just going straight to bad sex right now? I think we're going right to, okay, someone just wooed for randos. We'll do one. We'll do one rando.

Okay, hold on. This document that you're scrolling through right now is hell. I got like six. Someone yell out a number. Four. Four it is. Fucking Judas table over there. I do have a seven, but I wasn't sure if people wanted to hear that.

This is a hinge prompt that Dane's loving. I'm not going to need a boop or a boo on this. I'm convinced that is the prompt. Men shouldn't use umbrellas. I'm going to tell you right now, if you haven't seen Tom Holland perform Umbrella by Rihanna, hey, this person, this prompt can go right to fucking hell. If you had three quilts

and made me watch that, I would fuck them up. There is no amount of quilts that I wouldn't soak myself through. If you stood on the other side of three quilts, you'd need an umbrella. Yeah.

All right, guys. You have all been fucking amazing. We love you. Thank you for coming. Thanks for the questions. Feel free to listen. We do this every fucking Monday and occasionally live as well yes and on patreon etc we are called fuck buddies you can find us on pretty much any uh podcasting platform there's business cards on

all your tables um we will be at fan expo if you're there if you're come say hi. We will be there as well. And we end the show with some bad sex writing. And do I thank Josh Eagle? I'll thank Josh Eagle. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvesties for their song Paper Stars, which is our theme song. I thought when I read this that it was a joke. And I delved into this person's profile for a while. And it's horrifying. So just know that when I read this out.

It is not a joke. It is not tongue-in-cheek. This is a tweet somebody tweeted out to the public. They have a blue tick, so that makes sense. This is Megha, and she says, There's a trend, and I think I've only seen it in the last five to six years, of grown men crying when they see their bride walking down the aisle. I gotta say, it's extremely gay.

Men shouldn't cry at such things. It should be reserved for extreme moments of pain. For example, death. The only time men should be allowed to cry while dying. Can I get a boop or a boop? Thank you very much. My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain.

And we have been your fuck buddies. Thank you.