F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 256 - I’m Gonna ”Watch” a ”Movie”

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

If anyone "needs" me, I'll be "going" to do some "groceries" because I'm feeling a little "hungry."  Topics include a toothbrush truth bust, how hard that head get, not allowed to break up, not getting enough sex, Netflix and chill... but like... bad, proving you're absolutely not fun.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations,

turn them into sexy sticky situations. Simply put, we are a sex and dating advice podcast where we source questions either from the world of the internet or the world of the world. And we answer them right here, right now, in this very closet together for you. We did it. I can't remember the last time. I know we've done one since we've gone. I think the last time we did it, we both got COVID.

Yeah, probably. For the first time, for me. I think it was your second. It was my second time, yeah. So hopefully that doesn't happen. Before Boston? Was that it? Just after Boston.

Just after Boston. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Well, fingers crossed. COVID is going around again, so be careful. No, don't put that evil on me. Yeah, welcome to the closet with me and Dane.

We're staring at each other. We got a weird shoe cabinet in between us propping up this mic or a filing thing. I don't know what the fuck it's meant to be. Yeah, it's like a little filing cabinet. It's for shoes. The way we used to do it. It's true. Back in the day when we first started.

And we got Fan Expo tomorrow, so that's exciting. If you missed us, tough shit. Yeah, technically, when this comes out, you would have missed us. We would have done all the things. Yeah. Well, next year. Yep. All right, ready for a question?

Mm-hmm. And if you didn't miss us, welcome. And I think we're even dropping a live episode before this. Mm-hmm, so you're going to have double missed us. Two weeks passed. You fucked up. If you're new, a live episode so you're gonna double this two weeks past you fucked up if you're new though we love you thank you thanks for coming saying hi thanks for grabbing the card thanks for listening to the show you're a legend but we're gonna hit you with a question here this is by jakes two bath no two toothbrushes in the bathroom a red flag i would love to hear your initial response as well as response to more context um i mean two toothbrushes would ping a little bit of suspicion for me but there could be any

number of things perhaps perhaps the context yeah okay but it's an initial i know okay i figured like you know all right or do you want to give your context and we'll see if you're right yeah go for it okay so i So I can see two things. One, they're in a polyamorous or open relationship and they have a partner who comes over regularly and like a primary partner and that's it. Or they have a friend who's couch surfing currently and they need a place to put their toothbrush. Yeah.

Or one's for the teeth and one's for the toes. Yeah. Which is what? No. Context. I, i 32 year old female i'm single and live alone i met josh 35 year old male in february and we've been talking since and been on three dates came over to my place the first time and all was well until he used my bathroom then he got quiet grumpy and overall seemed off he didn't stay the night like planned and the night ended really quickly text him asking if anything's wrong and he told me i was gross to be dating him while i obviously had someone regularly staying with me. I was confused.

I'd already told him my dating history and he knew I wasn't seeing or talking with anybody else. He said he saw the two toothbrushes in my bathroom and the men's razor in my shower and isn't stupid and knew what it meant. I have been having someone stay over regularly. My sister who's been going through a divorce. He's well aware of that as I've talked about it a lot. It's her toothbrush and the men's razors are mine. I buy them online in bulk because they're way cheaper than women's. I explained to him.

He said it was convenient answer, but believes me. I don't know. I'm too old for such insecurities and a grown man. Do I need to hide my sister toothbrush anytime a man enters my apartment? No, I mean, if you've already disclosed, I i mean i think it's important to be like hey you know my sister's staying with me i think that's a valid piece of information because yeah i think if you go into someone's bathroom and there are evidence of someone else yeah there is there's reason to be suspicious yeah for sure um and so like i think he handled it obviously wrong as well yes um but again i don't

think i would i don't think i would bring it up i think i would do more or less the same thing and just kind of like call it a night and then maybe deal with it later i don't know if i'd want to get into that yeah right it's like did he handle it perfectly no no did he have some grounds to be upset maybe yeah that he then like left in lieu of making a bigger issue and then talk to you about it after yes yeah so i'll give him maybe a 60 out of 100 right like passing grade but like you know not the worst yeah you know it's weird to be like convenient answer but i believe you because it's like you do or you don't and if it's convenient then you don't believe me. Cause it's like you do or you don't. And if it's convenient,

then you don't believe me. Right. That's where I have my hang up with his, his reaction of like calling it a convenient answer. It's like, well, I mean, if she had previously mentioned that she had a,

uh, her sister staying over, then like you're aware of that. That's not something she just came up with on the fly. And why would she mention it prior to... If she was being that sneaky or that... She would have hid the toothbrush. Exactly. If she was thinking four chest moves ahead of being like, oh, I need to explain that toothbrush, it would be easier to just take that razor and the toothbrush and put it under her cabinet.

Also, there's nothing convenient about the pink tax. There's nothing convenient about pink tax tax there's nothing convenient about pink tax and that has existed for a long time so educate yourself sir you should be very very happy that you found a woman who is frugal and smart in this economy and this economy i'm not paying extra because the razor is pink and says venus on it exactly fuck venus fuck venus i've said it once i'll say it again and I don't mean the goddess. No. Before I get smitten. Or smote. Because I'm already smitten.

That's Venus. I don't mean that. I mean the company. Fuck you, Venus. I mean the planet. Yeah, them two. So, I don't know, maybe give them another chance, because it's a reasonable thing to ping on.

But at the same time, if I would say if this raises his head in any way after he apparently believes you, there's probably not worth being with this person. Mm hmm. Right. Because that level of insecurity is just especially this early. Yes. Right. Like if if that's how we're going to start off with, like I, if he was like, if he bailed and was like, oh yeah.

And then he was like, look, the reason I bailed was this, you know, I saw a toothbrush, I saw a men's razor. I felt uncomfortable. So I dipped. Also, sorry to cut you off, but like, they're not dating. Like they're seeing each other. They've met each other three times. So like, even if she did have somebody over even if it was regular that's fine yeah i mean like i guess the the you know the the trouble with that is if they said because it seems like

they had implied like oh he knows i wasn't seeing anyone else or whatever so it's like then then then you get into the murky waters of being like oh well you lied about that yeah it's lying 100 okay with you know you're you're not committed so you can see whoever you want. Yeah, like whatever. I think it's fair if you feel like this is going to be a recurring problem. If you get the sense

that he's got these insecurities and this will be something that's going to be dragged through behind him for the remaining time that you spend with him, I would also just be like yeah sorry like fuck this that yeah that kind of gave me the ick the ick uh this is from alito sadness is the head slash tip of the penis supposed to also get hard during an erection for as long as i can remember every time i have an erection the head slash tip of the penis supposed to also get hard during an erection for as long as i can remember every time i have an erection the head slash tip of my penis doesn't get hard my entire penis gets hard

but the head remains squishy is this normal if not will it affect anything during sex what why are you making that face i'm just imagining a boner but the top isn't a boner. And that's awful. Well, I mean, my head doesn't get rock hard. It gets hard compared to how it was. Yeah, but there's still, there's, I don't know what this guy means in terms of like. It sounds like 20, I don't know what percentage his head is, but like a decent amount of his dick doesn't get hard. But I think he's, I think he's measuring it based on the hardness of the shaft compared to the head which there is a very distinct difference in i guess i might the head of my peanut i mean like i think physiologically it makes sense like the the head is kind of like

yeah it's a different the beast the the marshmallow to protect you know it's like it's like a cushion but it's still hard especially compared to how it was so i can't imagine anybody being like i have a boner this isn't hard compared to how it was before yeah like i cannot imagine that happening unless something has gone wrong but it's my face of horror i would describe the head of my penis as not hard when i have an erection completely like but so much harder than it was prior i mean to the point where you've never gotten on red and been like hey yeah i mean like if i put enough pressure on it i'll feel like you could feel the shaft yeah for sure but

like there's like no point in time does that ever harden like the head of the head of the penis itself doesn't harden you can just feel the shaft underneath the head of the head of the penis itself doesn't harden you can just feel the shaft underneath the head of the penis hardened the head of my penis is harder when erect for sure so i don't know if we're describing the same thing differently or if our dicks are different yeah but it this this man worries me because all i'm imagining is like nothing changed oh yeah no i don't think that's the case but But if that wasn't the case. I think he's worried that the head of the penis isn't as hard as the shaft. Because the shaft gets significantly, like way more noticeably hard than the head does.

And I think he's being like, this is, I can't, there's no give here. But there's give up here. What if? I mean, again, if you're concerned, concerned if you're actually go to a doctor go to a doctor and i mean then you do have to get a doctor boner you do have to get an erection while in the doctor's office which some might say is impossible depending on the doctor yeah i mean i feel like yeah i that would be difficult for me for sure for sure and not even like i think it would just be because like, that would be difficult for me. For sure. For sure. And not even like, I think it would just be difficult because like my body would be like, okay, time to get an erection.

And it's like, you know, it's when you can't get hard. That wouldn't work generally anyway. You know what I mean? It's like when you're like, oh, cool. Go away boner. And it's like, oh, you want me to stay forever? You know what I mean? Yeah.

Your dick is a wayward, a wayward beast. But yeah, I would, I would say would say and maybe maybe take a picture of how it or a video of it if you do have a home boner and you're worried you're gonna go to the doctor not be able to because then maybe you could be like hey i have a video i can't currently get an erection can i show you what i mean yes don't just whip it out either your dick or the video um but like set the scene prep them and like show them but like it i it would seem to me there would be a noticeable difference between soft penis and erect penis so either you're looking into this way too much or something has gone wrong yeah so i think like definitely

judge the difference like gauge the difference between you, flaccid and erect and see if there is a change in your head firmness. And if there is, then like, good, great. There should be a modest amount of, of change. But if you're comparing it to shaft to head,

no, it's not going to become a rigid diamond. No, it's, it's different because that would be so unpleasant to be fucked by. And also to fuck with. Imagine if you're like the head of your penis was rock hard. It's different. Because that would be so unpleasant to be fucked by. And also to fuck with. Imagine if the head of your penis was rock hard.

That would be unenjoyable, I think. I don't think I'd enjoy it. That's fair. I don't know. Anyway. Now I'm just worried everyone has a way softer head of their penis than I do. Or maybe you have a way harder head than I do. That would be the same thing. But yeah.

Doctor, there's so little we can get through this bare description we don't know how people can freak out about these things so doctor's the way to go yeah uh this is thrower a pixela my 22 year old female boyfriend 32 year old male won't let me break up with him i feel like i'm stuck in a relationship i don't want to be in i'll try to keep this short as possible. Eight months ago, I met my boyfriend and we hit it off instantly. The age gap was definitely intimidating at first since the oldest I dated prior was 26. However, since we had a lot in common, I was able to look past it. After a little over a month, he asked me to be his girlfriend. And while I said no at first, I hesitantly agreed later.

Good start. Good. Great. Honestly, looking back to now, he is very persistent and never takes no for an answer. Fast forward to today, we've been together nearly seven months. However, since then, we've had way more downs than ups. This is my first proper relationship, and I'm also a virgin, which he knows because I want to save it for someone special. I've had things in the past where I'm super persistent, but I've always kept true to myself.

I want to do it with someone who I genuinely love and see a future with, not him. My friends have a theory that he won't allow me to break up with him because he still hasn't slept with me. I don't know how true this is. Unfortunately, I realized quickly in the last few months he's not someone I see a future with. I've tried to break up with him three times over the space of two months. Every time I say it, he immediately shuts me down, calls me annoying, and argues I say things on purpose to get on his nerves. I'm sick and tired of this relationship when we argue all the time.

I don't even know why he thinks it's healthy when we argue 95% of the time. Every time I bring this up as a reason to break up, he says, we don't have issues. Everything is perfect. I don't know if he's in denial or if he's just trying to make me stay with him. I'm so miserable because I don't know what to do anymore. I've stopped going out and don't respond to any of my friends. I mentioned I need space recently and he got annoyed and said I would do this way too often. I don't want to be with him anymore. The way he dismisses everything I say makes me feel silenced. When I tried to break up with him on the phone, he literally says I can't do that and I have no choice in the matter. My friends keep telling me to break things off and I complain that I'm still with him, saying I'm leading him on and have no backbone. I'm

genuinely terrified of him because he doesn't seem to want to let me go and I've had nightmares that I was forced to stay with him until I'm old i can't even escape him in my dreams he tried to find my address recently since he doesn't have it my parents would have a heart attack if they knew i'm seeing someone who's 32 but i'm keeping that away from him since he said if i ever ignore his message he will come to my house personally i don't know what to do i feel like i'm losing myself each day i'm in this relationship i honestly wish i never met him i feel like my life is out of control it's certainly out of control um it's always weird like you don't live with this person he doesn't know where you live thankfully for now for now and so the i mean i don't want to say

there's no risk because it does sound a little scary yeah it definitely gets scarier as the question progresses yeah but you definitely like you do have a say in the matter and if you say hey i want to end this relationship and someone says no you don't have a say in the matter you can just say i do the relationship is over and then hang up on them that's the thing it's it's not a two-way street it's not a two-way decision it's not they don't get any input into it so i understand this guy is like worrying but you already say that he doesn't have your address right the longer you hang out with him the more likely he is to find out these things and like aside from him being very persistent like he

hasn't it's not like he's threatened you overtly i i know that's not scant comfort, but you know what I mean? Like it baffles me that you let him be like, no. And you're like, fuck. Okay. Damn it. I'm still in this relationship. Like that's, that's, I think the biggest thing here. And I don't know if it is out of fear, but like, it doesn't seem like it yet. It seems very much like I want to break up with them.

No. Okay. Like there's no real sense of urgency. And I don't mean like, because you're in danger urgent, but I just mean like, if you're not like i want to break up with them no okay yeah like there's no like real sense of urgency and i don't mean like because you're in danger urgent but i just mean like if you're not happy you do have a like a requirement and a onus to yourself to be like oh i have to i have to take steps and the steps aren't going to be easy and the steps like if so like if this guy was if we flipped it around and instead of being like you're annoying and he was like no baby please stay please

stay like don't leave me i love you so much if it was like that would you also have stayed like is is the only way you can get out of relationship if this person was like okay i let you yeah like that's not how it works so break up with him at this point he doesn't he's not owed anything by the way you send him a text be like hey we're done and then you block him on everything yeah and that's that's it you if you see him and he comes near you, you say, Hey, like, make sure you find some friends or get somewhere safe. And then you say, Hey, leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you. And if he advances things from there, you call the police on him or you set up a restraining order, right? If he is that bad,

but until you cut him off, he isn't that bad because you're still agreeing to be in this relationship with him by abandoning your breaking up with him obviously your safety is paramount but aside from being a creep and annoying and like intimidating it doesn't seem like he's gotten to like that point yet but the longer you're with this asshole the more likely it is to get there and the more miserable you're going to be and the more chance he has to find out where you're like you know like all these things so just i don't think you gain a single thing staying in this relationship no no no no i don't think you gain safety i don't think you gain the chance of escape i don't think you gain peace of mind or anything literally anything and don't

like i know you're like oh my parents would kill it how old is she again 22 okay so the age difference is she's young and yeah 10 years is considerable but i mean like don't let uh that get in the way yeah like if you have to get your parents involved or if you're going to endure a shitty relationship with a shitty person because you're worried your parents will be like how dare you date someone 10 years older like it doesn't fucking matter. No, it doesn't. It's so... Nothing they can do is going to be worse than what you're doing in this relationship. Or letting it go to a point where it could get...

Right. Like, if he does become aggressive or stalking you or whatever, like, do you think your parents want this guy skulking about the house or, like, ringing or calling every hour of the fucking day? No, but them knowing make you so much safer in a million ways. And you don't have to like necessarily tell them right off the bat, but like break up with them. And then if you notice that he's coming around, be like, hey, so I fucked up.

I started dating a dude. He's a little bit older than me. You don't even necessarily need to say the age. You know what I mean? That's not the important thing. No, what's important is I dated a guy. He got really weird and creepy. I dumped him, but like he showed up at the house you know what i mean and like if they insist on knowing his age you can tell them whatever again nothing that's going

to happen between you and your parents is going to be worse than staying in this relationship or dealing with this alone also maybe we don't know the parents parents can be shit if they kick you out or like yeah okay but in general you know what i mean like also don't cut your friends off because that's where abusers gain power yeah i mean it also makes no sense where you're like oh i don't like you're it doesn't even seem like he's trying to isolate you you're doing it yourself like you seem to be just be like the easiest target oh for sure to a manipulating i'm breaking up with you no you're not okay i'm out now i'm so sad that i'm not going to talk to any of my friends i won't tell my parents so i've cut

myself off i'm yeah it's like he's found like the holy grail of someone he can abuse yeah and i mean i say that with the most love and i say that with the most concern but you need to like we're not victim blaming we're trying to get you to realize that you're playing into everything that he wants yeah and he doesn't have to work for it yeah like usually this is something that like you know these people like use to break down a person but it seems like you're already there yeah and have just kind of given up and resigned yourself like saying like oh i've tried to break up with this person and now i think i'm going to be with him forever yeah like what are you talking about yeah get your friends you know like talk to them be like hey i want to break up with this person and now i think i'm going to be with him forever yeah like what are you talking about yeah get your friends you know like talk to them be like hey i want to break up with them and i need your help to do it yeah brainstorm with them if you have to involve

your parents involve your parents like also like at the end of the day just tell him as now said you don't even have to call him you don't even have to have an awkward discussion just be like hey i'm not happy i don't want to see you anymore please don't contact me send block yes that's it and block him on everything and don't unblock him out of curiosity and don't if he somehow gets in contact with you meet up with him for like that last yeah you know whatever like you don't own be done he like in general you don't really owe anybody anything in a way right you're again your safety is paramount but when someone has done has that like a history and a fucking pattern of being shitty and being

like abusive and being whatever like you literally owe them less than shit you can just block them and never like just say you're done block them move on with your life because you're literally gaining nothing and I don't understand why you haven't gone through with what you want to do.

Yeah. Because his input means nothing to this. So you gotta fucking drop the hammer. Yeah, for sure. 100%. How to tell my girlfriend I'm frustrated by basically our inexistent sexual life without sounding like a prick. This is by OkBat7766 and by infrequent

I mean we've been dating for almost a year by now and i knew she wasn't into physical activity like this but mate can't count on two hands how many times we've had sex or anything or we've tried anything we are intimate we cuddle we kiss but i just think having penetrative sex or even oral sex less than 10 times a year is just not enough it just makes me incredibly sexually frustrated i love her and she was a virgin until we met but i wasn't i was used to having sex daily sometimes twice a day and i really don't want to cheat on her and i won't because that's a dick move but i'm seriously considering breaking up with her even though our relationship outside of sex is perfect that's fair i think you just

gotta be like hey i would like to have more like physical intimacy i mean i would like to have sex more i would like to you know do oral more like is that something you're down for you know like i would love to know if you've talked or like when you guys hook up you know what i mean is it like you try every night and she pushes you off and then once a month ish or once every five weeks she relents and that's your one time and then 10 more times that year like i would love to know how that comes about but just be like hey i am you know i'm really horny like i want to fuck more and be like you know is that cool like what do you think and if she's like yeah great and if she's like no you'd be like okay like try to talk about be like why are you just like

is it a mismatch in libido blah blah blah because like if she doesn't want to fuck so the reason i brought this question because we've talked about this kind of stuff a lot and it's like yes as now said you have to talk to them uh it's really important to address your concerns and your needs with your partner because they're not fucking psychic and they don't know for sure right so like if you never talk about this if they're getting the amount of sex that they want and are comfortable and, you know, that fill their needs, why would they assume otherwise if you don't bring it up to them? But I want to bring up the last line in the question where he says everything outside of sex in our relationship is great because I've read so many questions like this. Like every week, I would say 90% of the sex subreddit is people being like we don't have sex my libido is too much my libido is not enough and it's like all these things

because i don't understand why people split relationships into sex and emotion yeah and like and people are like oh the emotion part is great but the sex is terrible or the sex is great they're not literally conjoined and like people look at relationships from like with like two different lenses instead of thinking about it as a whole yeah and i feel like the amount of people who are unhappy are because he says like oh i know she wasn't into or she's not super into physical intimacy you knew that yeah like she told you and now you're like oh but i i need more sex i'm used to having it's like okay but like just because someone is a a good fit emotionally if they're not a good fit sexually that's called a friend then the relationship's not gonna work like it's

not it's not a sex or like it's not a intimate relationship yeah or it's not sexually yes unless you guys are ace or yeah have a in libido, which in this case clearly is not the case. But also, you raise a good point. If her needs are being met or if she's you know, some people just don't have that need other people do. So she's not going to fucking jump out of that

pattern if she doesn't have any need to. Yeah, you know, maybe she won't. That's fine. Maybe she will. But you need to talk to her. You need to be honest. And it's like if she's inexperienced maybe she's nervous to escalate maybe she's nervous to to start things maybe she has a weird view that she's not allowed because i i know women who think that yeah and it's like maybe talking can release some of that maybe you're not doing something to satisfy her you know what I mean maybe she has vaginismus and like one day we'll learn how to say that word

and sex is uncomfortable like you don't know so talk to her try to work it out and if you need sex and she doesn't want sex and you're at the point where you're mentioning cheating I think you have to break up if your roles are not aligned because you cannot cheat I know you said that

but you still brought it up and regardless of like if i was in a relationship and i was thinking frequently about how badly i wanted to cheat even though i know i would never do it then it'd be a pretty bad sign i would i would take that as a sign of being like i'm not happy and if i'm not happy with someone i shouldn't be with them yeah so holding on to these ideas of being like, oh, but I love them so much. And the relationship outside of X is so great. Like, it makes no sense to me to not view it as a whole. And if the whole isn't there, if you're missing a giant chunk, like you're missing a giant chunk, that's more whole. But think about it.

Like, if you order a pizza and you get it and half the pizza is fucking gone, you're not like, yeah, but the side of the pizza I got is really good. Half the pizza that exists, though. It is warm. It's great. That's it, though. You can't pick and choose because it doesn't matter that the other things are good because you came to here with a question because things are bad. Yeah. So you can't be like, if I don't think about this thing I need, I'm so upset I went to the internet for because things are bad yeah so you can't be like if i don't think about this

thing i need i'm so upset i went to the internet for things are okay it's like yeah but things are bad because you're not satisfied other than the leg that i just chainsawed off my whole body's fine exactly right like your relationship isn't separate parts like that yeah you know and it's weird that like i find that like 90 of people view it as like oh there's a sex side of and it's like because then i feel like you people view their partners when you're having sex with them as different entities as well right well that's a lot of people are so fucking toxic about sex so i wouldn't be surprised well i mean the thing of being like oh yeah if you can't look at my partner once i'm done fucking her yeah like what why it's the best time

to look at your partner i mean we've already had this conversation but like it also imagine if we were like oh my partner's awful to me they're so mean i fucking hate it but like our sex life is good though it's like we'd be like yeah this is fucked it's bad regardless you don't get to just be like well one thing is good so everything else it's it's relationships are a whole and and they're some of the parts and if the math isn't adding up then it's not a full relationship you're just as now it's like it's just a friendship if you only have like i have friends that i sleep with more than 10 times a year so like i hate to break it to you i had someone i wasn't in a relationship i slept with 10 times in one day. Yeah, it was touching go towards the end.

But it's it's it's just something that I thought was I'm so tired of reading the same question over and over again. And I'm so tired of like people. And it's not a matter of like they're looking for this magic answer of being like, oh, just say Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo. And all of a sudden your girlfriend is now an insatiable whore. Yeah. Who wants to, you know, fucking suck all the time and it's like it's not gonna happen there's no answer to this yeah the answer is you either talk to them about it and they say yes that's something i'm willing to try or they say i'm not interested in that and then you make your choice yeah you generally probably have to find a new relationship because yeah you're already telling us you're so miserable so all right this is by roma angel yes to movie equals yes to sex oh my boyfriend agree male 25

and i female 28 are dealing with a misunderstanding my boyfriend and i have been dating for about six months he's always been interested in having two female partners and i am less comfortable with the idea he originally convinced me to try so we went on a few dates with another girl. She's nice, we have things in common but I'm just not interested and I told him that. He said it was no problem, we at least made a friend and we can hang out whenever we like. We've hung out a few times. Cue last night. She came over for a movie night and I only made it through one movie before falling asleep so my boyfriend put me to bed. He asked if I was okay with him staying up for another movie and I said yes, it was fine. He said you're not going to get mad and I said again, it was fine Wild move. Wild play. understanding and that won't happen again but i can't get out of my head i don't know how to move on from this hey my dude wild move wild play imagine like you know if i was talking to your

partner and be like oh yeah now and i are gonna go catch a movie later we're gonna go see barbie later you're not gonna go mad are you you're not gonna get mad right right i'm like we're just gonna go watch a movie maybe get some wings after and then we fuck yeah it's like next door it's this is almost is it more wild or less wild than being like are you breaking up with me you're no you're not sorry i vetoed it it's her relationship i think this is more wild i think this is a the well okay hold on Did he wink when he said movie? See, if he said, I'm going to save Netflix and chill.

Or if he said, hey, we're going to watch a movie. Wink, wink. We're going to watch a movie. Was he doing a lot of really big air quotes? And nudging you a lot? I'm going to watch a movie. Wink. What movie, baby?

It's called netflix and chill you're not gonna get mad if i watch a movie you're not gonna get mad it's so bad yeah and it's funny because when i like i remember because these are questions from like fucking six months ago i was trying to remember like i thought it was they had a a prior engagement with like they had been hooking up with this girl right and she went to bed and he continued without her and i was like there's more gray area here for sure but no no no there's no gray area here you didn't ask to have sex with them you literally said that's great we've made a friend we can hang out with them whenever so you said, that's great. We've made a friend. We can hang out with them whenever.

So you've established that it's a platonic relationship. Yeah. And no point in time. Did you say, Hey, this might turn sexual. Is that cool? Yeah.

Uh, or establish an open relationship. Yeah. Even if you did, you would probably have a rule such as don't fuck someone in the next room while I'm asleep, who we were just hanging out with. Yeah. That's a pretty good rule for something like that.

Like, here's some general advice for anybody who might misconstrue a sentence like this. If you're going to fuck someone, if you're in a relationship and you're going to be allowed to fuck someone, there won't be a gray area. It's not going to be like, I'm pretty sure she let me. It'll be a conversation. It'll be a long conversation it'll be something that by the end of it you'll be very sure because you will have talked at length and established rules and boundaries and and it won't be like vague no euphemisms of like hey i'm gonna stay up and watch another movie that does not equal i'm gonna have sex with the person in the room next to you

yeah that's those aren't you know it's not an an equals even like the same watching a movie isn't even like any kind of like Code like Netflix and chill is you know me to a degree not that that would actually make it Okay, no, but like watching a movie doesn't even have that especially the edge when you just spent the rest of the evening platonically watching movies Yeah with that like again if you like you said like if the last movie that they had watched the three of them all fucked yes right like if you guys had a threesome while you watched fucking step brothers and he said hey i'm gonna stay up for another movie then again gray area wouldn't be wonderful but i would give you some wiggle room because you're implied you know that

there's a correlation of movie and sex yeah but you guys you called it a called her a friend and said that you could hang out with her and then like there at no point in time was sex ever on the table until you pulled it out of your sleeves yeah yeah while your partner was asleep yeah uh dump this fucker yeah like that's how you move on from this you dump him you don't let him get away with treating you that way because you're not gonna be able to get over it and also can you imagine being in a relationship with this guy and the next time he says you're not gonna be mad are you i'd be like wait what did he just say what's that code for is it murder this time or is it being like i'm oh i'm gonna go have drinks with co-worker yeah what does that mean are you

fucking them yeah because you're or killing them like he has this weird code and he has no yeah yeah and i would like you know what i for me i would feel very i would feel inclined to like talk to the friend and be like hey what happened did he say this was okay did he say that like we could have you could have sex because like here's the situation i'm i am this is what he said to me yeah and for sex because like, here's the situation of mine. This is what he said to me. Yeah. And for sure, because like, they may not know. And I'm imagining don't cause honestly,

clearly not this guy's like, no, I'm sure. If, if the reason they all started hanging out was to potentially have a threesome and they went on a couple of dates, I'm sure this guy has kept her in the dark in terms of like the decision to make keeper platonic.

Yeah. Right. And I'm sure this was in her mind. Like, I'm sure he went back and was like hey she's really tired but we're we can fool around yeah you want you know sorry she you know she just couldn't make it any longer you know i mean like and i'm sure so i'm sure this woman probably thought she was coming over for a threesome and then you passed out yeah and then he put you to bed. Did he put your sleepy movie on? How many drinks did he give you? Did he put your sleepy movie on?

Did he? How blue was the chicken he served at dinner? Yeah, it's you get sleepy chicken. It's bad. It's really bad. So dump this fucker. Talk to the girl and just move on. Block this motherfucker.

I don't want to do this question. Okay. Do you have a I got so many. Yeah. How to connect with women. Oh, sorry. I don't want to do this question. Okay. Do you have a quick one? I got so many. Yeah. How to connect with women. Oh, sorry. This is static nocturne. How to connect with women if you're not naturally fun or playful. I've been told I'm funny in a dry and scathing way, a la Bill Hicks or George Carlin.

I can regale people with my wit and engage them in an interesting conversation. I definitely wouldn't say I'm a buzzkill, but I've never been known as the fun or playful guy. And I've come to notice that being fun and playful has a metric fuckton of mileage with women, even if it borders on immaturity and stupidity. Especially true of women at bars and clubs and festivals, most of whom are understandably looking for mindless fun over deep conversation or scathing humor, or even very subtle flirting. I can't help but notice a lot of the fun guys I know and have met aren't always just fun in a well-meaning way. They're also often dramatic, short-tempered, pushy, volatile, and rude.

Shouting, mocking people's accents, bumping into people, or getting aggressive with anyone who accidentally bumps them. They'll put their arm around strangers in an obnoxious manner. They'll have random drinking contests, break into impromptu dancing that blocks the walkway, wrestle each other, insult nearby strangers. Again, all shit I would consider obnoxious, but seems to at least get them noticed and quite often seems to allure women. Could it be because women associate this sort of behavior with confidence? For the longest

time, I thought coming across as stoic and mysterious and level-headed was widely considered to be the height of attractiveness in a man, even for one-night stands, but apparently it pales in comparison to being fun, at least in highly social environments. I'm also really self-conscious. After staying and doing some very regrettable shit in my younger years, I now no longer let myself get to the point of intoxication, whether through substances or atmosphere, where I lose my filter. We're always told to lower these social filters, but believe me on this, if I said what came to mind, I would be exiled from the village, or at least have a drink thrown in my face because most of my thoughts are unsavory to say the least. And if someone is able to be charismatic by speaking their mind, I have to assume they have a much

more tame mind than I do. So my questions are, do you think it's actually possible for someone like myself to become a fun person or should I just embrace how I am? Two, what's the right way to be fun without coming off as immature and annoying? you nailed it you're not fun you did a very good job demonstrating that you are indeed no fun yeah yeah i don't know if fun is the way forward for you and like there's so many instances of you not being fun here and like there's this fun here. And your biggest enemy isn't these loud, obnoxious, goofy boys. Your biggest enemy... The loud, obnoxious, goofy boys? They're taking the world by storm.

And look, I agree. There are some of the behavior he lists, I find obnoxious as well. You know, trying to fight people if they possibly can. No, I know. You know what I mean? It's like that kind of shit. And I work in a bar. i see it all the time yes the loudest dude in the room usually gets the most attention is it great attention probably no depending every now and then

there's a woman who wants you know who matches that energy and that's they want the peacock right so like sure i don't know what to tell you there. I feel like a good mix of being loud and, but like also being able to like chill out and like talk with someone if it need be. But this idea, like you're not talking about who you are. You're talking about who you want to project as your persona, right? You're talking about this stoic, like, Oh, I want to be stoic, blah, blah, blah. It's like, you don't get to describe yourself as that. yeah and that's i think that's the crux is that he's saying i thought this was how i should be and i've modeled myself that way and now i am that but fuck i think

it's actually this way do i change how do i do that yeah but i think you fucked yourself because people probably aren't paying you enough attention because you have this fake ass persona and it's probably not going well for you. Also like the weird value calls of being like, Oh, they're loud, dumb idiots, but I have deep conversations or subtle flirting. If you think you have deep conversations with people, you probably just suck so hard and probably so weird and boring. If we're talking again, if we're talking about like the bar scene, if you're talking about like parties and stuff, no one wants to have a deep crowd. Like if I sit down and I start chatting with someone I'm okay with,

if it gets serious for sure. If it drives that way. Great. But I'm not sitting down or, or striking up a conversation with someone. Have you ever thought about dying? Yeah. Like I'm,

that's not my opening line. And I have many, I've had many, many many many deep conversations yes a lot about toxic masculinity a lot about you know dating culture a lot of like i it's something i'm passionate about so if the conversation steers that way you can do both that's the thing if you were like only ready for deep conversations that would sufferable if you were completely unready for them and anytime someone mentioned them, you were like,

sorry, you got to go dance on the pavement and block the bucket passers-by. Meep, meep, honk, honk. Like do a cartwheel. Yeah, that's not how it works. You know what I mean? You don't go like, damn, I have one speed.

I've willingly said one speed and that's it. That's it. Like, fuck, I'm so stoic right now. I can't match you at your meep, meep. Or I'm so honk, honk right now that I can't match you at your speaking about fucking Oppenheimer. I fuck I'm so stoic right now. I can't match what your meet meet. Or I'm so Hong Kong right now that I can't match you at your speaking about fucking Oppenheimer. I don't know. So like, that's not how it works. You talk to someone and it happens. And I know that's not a like reassuring answer, which is why this is seduction, obviously. What? Which is why seduction gets these

people because they offer basic answers to very complex things they're wrong but it's it's alluring to be like oh maybe i just do a thing instead of maybe i have to well and i think it all boils down to this like these dark untamed thoughts oh that's also so bad right if if that's like if you want to say things that would get you exiled or have a drink thrown in your face that's something you need to go to therapy for and figure out because chances are you're saying gross shit for sure sexually provocative things that you haven't earned the clout or you're super racist or you're just a piece of shit right you're not that you wouldn't also be a piece of shit if you were racist or sexist or derogatory that's a big bad problem also like if you're constantly fighting back the intrusive

thought to just be like your tits are huge and i want to put them in my mouth like if that's if that's what you what you used to be and you're like that's the fun boy the fun goofy boys just want to you know put tits in their mouth And I want to say that out loud to you. Yeah. But you're like, no, I must be stoic. I must not get drunk. So I don't say like, my thoughts are unsavory to say the least like Jesus. And also just the sheer lack of like social knowledge being like these charismatic people

just say whatever's in their mind. It's like, do you think that's how it works? I mean, there are like, like again there's a whole spectrum it's like i'm sure you've come across someone who absolutely has no filter and kills it with women i'm sure yeah but that also their their unfiltered mind isn't this way anyway i just it's not just that like it's just so weird that they have these like dichotomies it's like well there's the people that think and there's people that just say things i can't be one of those because i have dark awful thoughts because i say horrible things to people i can only be stoic because so much of my energy is is spent restraining the dark thoughts it's like you good dude he's not

though he's not and that's what i'm saying it's like if if the thing that is stopping you from having fun is the fact that you would say things that people would find so upsetting that they would exile you from the village then that's something you need to address yes for sure immediately and you don't stop thinking about being fun because you're not fun no like in any way in an essence like like if you boil yourself down i would never say hey you know what's fun in my definition of fun games unsavory thoughts you know pranks faking your personality uh faux deepness like it's you need to sort that out because then you can actually start to have fun because you're not worried about being like oh i really want to i really want to, I really want to, you know, hunker hunker.

If I open my mouth right now, I think I will slur. So maybe I shouldn't. Damn, I can't have fun. I want to dance on the sidewalk, but I only know really, really unsavory dance. Yes, but I just, all I know how to dance is like grabbing a woman and grinding on her from behind. It's, it's bad. Fix that. Fix that.

You're not going to be fun until you can have your unfiltered thoughts not get you exiled from the village and like should you become fun or should you embrace how you are yes and no you should embrace how you are but if how you are is shitty unsavory thoughts you can work you can embrace yourself and work on the bad parts still you know what i mean specifically that's what you should be doing so i'm saying you should be you whatever you is but that doesn't mean just going well i guess i'm a giant piece of shit let's go fucking say some slurs no let's go have some sloppy steaks at trofino so work on yourself bottom line that's i think the first step whatever these dark unsavory things are like you can't just be like their thoughts i have yeah you need to talk to a therapist because like you are you're having an identity crisis and you are fully aware that sort

of your natural impulses are bad right so like you need to figure that out so that your your your inside thoughts aren't troubled yes and then you need to start figuring out who you actually are yeah as opposed to who you think women want you to be who you think society wants you to be who you think you want you to be right like you need to sort of start unraveling that because right now there's you're in the middle and then it's just a tangled fucking web of absolute nonsense around you and it doesn't matter how fun you are or how fun you try to be or how stoic you are, how stoic you try to be. None of that is you. So none of it is going to be genuine or authentic. People are going to pick up on that. And if they don't, you're either

going to be stuck in this limbo of pretending to be somebody else, which you can't do indefinitely, or you will drop it and then they'll know the real you and they'll be like, what the fuck? This isn't the person I signed up to see. So this fakeness, even if it succeeds in the short term, which it probably won't, isn't going to be in any way long term. So you just gotta go with the

therapy, man. Yeah. We've gone long. So let's do Tinder's really quick. Really, really quick. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. This is Kate, 38. She says, more tattoos than teeth. Long hair, don't care. Coffee all day.

Long hair, don't care. Why would that be a notable thing to say for a woman? I don't know. Really? I'm going gonna get to that please tell me she has a lot of tattoos hey this is her picture oh no well there's one there's one you can see at least one tattoo so she might still have no teeth yeah fuck yeah that is a that's a bold move actually because I want to know but one way it's funny and one way it's horrifying no offense to people that don't have teeth but like yeah it's uh it's something that

will immediately make me think do you have teeth yeah so i'm gonna give it a five yeah like it could be funny with if she is like she just has a bunch of tattoos right but like the long hair don't care super boring i don't understand what the point is unless it's really long fine it's still not exciting and then coffee all day sure probably shouldn't because you are gonna need to sleep uh okay what do you what are you gonna do it five yeah i think five's a good rating uh this is nameless they say about me i'm kinky af so you'll be in for a nice treat prepare someone who's active ambitious has goals and a good community and good communication skills prompts what if i told you that i can turn your switch on and off whenever i choose to do so

just warning you ahead of schedule why are you calling it a switch or is she talking about the nintendo console what does that mean i turn you on i assume they're saying that like they are so sexually powerful that regardless of what you want they can turn you on which is not great it's a weird threat almost like warning you ahead of schedule it's like warning you yeah i can do it whenever i want whenever i choose to it's a very weird energy i don't like it i don't like it at all because it sounds like you i can do it whenever i want whenever i choose to it's a very weird energy i don't like it i don't like it at all because it sounds like you're gonna do it whenever you want regardless of my consent yes and it's just like a weird like threatening aura thing i don't

know i'm gonna give it a two i'm giving it a two as well this is your sexy ass 77 um or you are sexy. Ask 77. I'm not sure. It's YR. This is on hinge where people don't have usernames, but real names. But this person has decided to go plenty of fish circa cool 2008. And they say it's, it's a hinge profile. I only have the one prompt and the prompt is I'm convinced that you're going to be my husband.

Nope. Oh, no. That's going to be a no for me, dog. It's going to be a hard no. I think that's going to be a one, actually. I think you've somehow gotten past weird, threatening switch man. This is also blank. They're 37.

They're 12 miles away. Please read this Google Doc to see if we're a good match and so you don't potentially waste your time on me i'm an odd duck smiley face and a link to a google doc did you open the google doc someone screenshot it to me and i don't think they opened it either okay um what platform lets you link? It looks like Tinder. Tinder, yeah. I guess they just posted it in, and you're going to have to retype it out. You're going to have to retype it out. Type in.

Very long. You don't even fucking, you didn't even bitly it? You didn't even fucking shorten that URL? Yeah, it's a three-line URL. Yeah, hey, let me tell you right now. Because they just crossed out. We also could probably. No, let me tell you right now.

I will not type that in no i wouldn't type it in if it was like hey you're winning free taylor swift tickets not like that could be jennifer lawrence and being like you just have to type this in and i will go on a date with you i'd be like nah man no sorry jennifer yeah even the first line's enough i wouldn't do that no uh it's gonna be a zero also'm not going to click a random ass link you put up. You could be anything. It's Google Docs. Is it? True. They spell Docs with a Z.

Google with a G with a U. Do you have another good one? Because we've got to get out of here. It's Emily. Man are assholes. But if you are what you eat, then that's okay with me. I think we did that before. Still good. Yep. Eight. Yeah. That's if you are what you eat then that's okay with me i think we did that before still good yep eight yeah uh that's it for our show thank you very much for hanging out with us um if you did come

see us at uh fan expo thanks it was really nice thank you so much and even better that you did that and then came and listened so thank you yeah we got shit going on i guess uh i mean i guess it looks like you know what what? How about this? Go to our go to our website and you'll know about our live show because right now we're unsure of exact dates. There is going to be one in September. It will be up by the time this episode is out.

We're not going to give you the wrong date because that would be bad. Yeah. So go to our website and you'll know about our live show. It's probably within two weeks of now. Yeah. So yeah, and we'll post on social media but right now if we give you the wrong date that's gonna suck yes so we love you but come to the show yep join our patreon please please it's on the website too you can do them both you can feed two birds with one scone thank you josh eagle for their song paper stars

and the harvest cities dang and the harvest city the song paper stars yeah wow it felt weird to watch you do that i didn't like it uh and you know what let's just keep going with the tinder trend and this is a tinder opening uh by a man named tony and he says i think you might be too pretty for me i'm thinking i might go with a less attractive woman who puts in more effort do you find in relationships someone always likes someone more? Shrugging emoji. Or maybe I'm just a lazy Leo. Classic lazy Leos. Classic lazy Leo. Thank you very much for listening, friends.

My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. We've been your fuck buddies. That was awesome. Thank you.