F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 257 - The Soonity of Ben Stilleritis

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

I'm sorry, babe.  I'm not trying to karate chop you in the ribs... it's this damn disease!  Topics include the sexual history with her dude friends, clumsy boyfriend or horrible person, too soon for "what are we", DIY frustrations, Burning Man sex plane and the mysteries of the future.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either from the world wide web and we put them on the show or from our wonderful listeners and we put them on the show and we answer them right here, right now, in your ears, every Monday, sometimes on stage and monthly on Patreon. If you want a little extra episode every month. If you need a little extra. Once again, we should mention we are doing a live show once more. It's going to be on September the 21st. It's a Thursday this month at 7 p.m. at Black Sheep. One more time.

The tickets are not free anymore. They're $10, but they're worth every penny. It's still a steal. And you can get $4 shots while you're there. And there's actually a competition going on on their on the Black Sheep Instagram. If you want to go snag some free tickets available on their Instagram. So check out black sheep to on Instagram. But yeah,

we've got some really cool like food deals. We've got some like custom themed, sexy cocktails, $4 shots. And most importantly, me and Dane, and even more importantly, our cool regulars who've come to like every show.

So it's a good time. We have a blast. The people there have a blast. If you've heard the live shows, you know, it's so it's a good time we have a blast the people there have a blast if you've heard the live shows you know it's it's a good atmosphere uh so please come and please uh you know send us fucking questions and just be there because we love you now it's time for me to start complaining okay you know i hate to do this on the show excuse me that's your job the last one you were very miserable about. But I will say two things. One, this isn't Baldur's Gate.

It's true. This is decidedly not Baldur's Gate. And the fact that Niall and I are even here right now, we paused our game. We paused our game. To come and to record this instead of playing. I could be talking to a horny boar right now. He could be. And instead he's talking to me.

Also a horny boar right now. He could be. And instead, he's talking to me. Also, a horny boar. And also, it's just so hot. It's just so hot. And that Dr. Pepper you're drinking looks great, by the way. Oh, it's so good. It's so good. The doctor is in. His medicine is delicious.

I'm going to grab my beer. Hold on. You talk while I'm gone. No one's going to know. No one's going to know. Niall's running away to apparently get a beer that he's lost i don't know how he did it um but this is as now saying it's very hot um the the room that i record in has literally no windows it is just a sweat box it's the third day in a row that we were over 40 degrees and that's celsius that's too hot it is too hot and i've known that

because i've been here the whole time i want to do hold on you now it's your turn to talk i i want to google something real quick okay uh so the live shows are a lot of fun and everyone who's come so far you're a fucking legend also i think i just gotta shout out some fan expo people right now because i'm sure there's got to be a few of you. We'll all win a nice little bump in listenership after that. So thank you, everyone who came, hung out with us, talked to us. Y'all are fucking great. Love it. So just, I'm done my math.

For those of you who don't use degrees, specifically the Americans, because I think you're the only people who still use Fahrenheit, it's over 100 degrees here. That's desert heat. For the third day in a row. Yeah, it's fucked. I will say the upside of today was that it wasn't me fucking cycling 20 kilometers, walking 20,000 steps, and working in the heat all day.

It was me playing Baldur's Gate with Dane. Much better. I'm still a big sweaty mess. Okay, it's time for questions. Hold on, Fan Expo. Was there anyone specific, just you were just saying hi to fan expo people i was just shouting out anyone who might be listening to us after fan expo that's great also canadian podcast awards if you are a fan of podcasts follow them because they shout out good podcasts and do good events and are good people if you're a can podcaster, you should also follow them and sign up and do the Canadian

podcast awards because again, they're good people. They do good events. They're great supporters. It's awesome. I really hope out of everyone I talked to about fuck buddies at Fan Expo. I hope the two young women who were like, we got our condoms from the condom bus are listening because they seem cool as fuck. Yeah, apparently there's a bus that just drives

around and visits schools and gives kids condoms. Hell yeah. We didn't have that when I was a kid. No, I could do that job. Actually, I can't drive. Okay, question time. You're also not allowed near schools. This is patently untrue. I am a school.

This is my five path. Do I ask if she had a sexual history with the guy friend she hangs with or wait? I, 34-year-old male, have been on two dates with this girl, 30-year-old female. We've been chatting loads over the last few weeks, been on two dates in two weeks with a third plan next week. Generally, we hit off well. Our dates are nice.

We both look forward to the next one. While we've been talking, she mentioned she'd hang out with her guy friend once a week to play computer games and work on a joint side hustle. Admittedly, it's new territory for a potential partner to have a close guy friend in my world. It's not something I've ever been against. It's just new for me

to experience. The only thing that would cause concern in my eyes would be if they previously had a sexual history. Is this a topic that's acceptable to bring up in these early stages of dating? Well, here's the thing. You need to, before you even think about asking the question, ask yourself the question, am I going to be cool with this if she has had a sexual history with this person? And if the answer is no, I'm not going to be cool with it. Just break up with them.

And if the answer is yes, I'm not going to be cool with it, just break up with them. And if the answer is yes, don't ask. Yeah, exactly. Because the question never needs to be asked. Because if you're not going to be cool with it, then there's no point. The only alternative is you being like, stop seeing your friend, which is stupid, because presumably they've known him longer than you. And also a side hustle together. So yeah, which is only fans and they fucking play Baldur's gate.

So probably like we should be doing, or if you're not cool with it, then that means you don't trust her. Yeah. And if you are cool with it, then it doesn't fucking matter. Yeah. If you were cool with it,

you wouldn't be asking this question. And the thing is, I love that. It's should I, it with it, you wouldn't be asking this question. And the thing is, I love that. It's should I, it's not, should I ask her or not? It should I ask her or wait? Yeah.

So he's asking regardless. He's just wondering, is it too soon? And the thing is, why does it fucking matter? Why does it matter? Like literally if they fucked before, that doesn't mean they're going to fuck again.

If they haven't fucked before, it doesn't mean they aren't going to. It's not like a barometer of how likely this person is to cheat on you or not, because it could still happen or not. Either way, it doesn't fucking mean shit. That's what I'm saying. It all boils down to whether or not you trust this person.

Yes. You either trust them to hang out with a guy friend, regardless of whether they fucked or not, or you don't trust them. And if you don't trust them, you shouldn't be with them. Yeah. And guess what? Asking this person these weird invasive question about someone who's very clearly a close friend of theirs and will remain so.

That's not going to help your fucking chances. No, because all it's going to do is be like, oh, this guy's insecure or this guy's a big jealous asshole. Yeah. Or like now I'm going to be like have to guy's insecure or this guy's a big jealous asshole yeah or like now i'm gonna be like have to tailor what i talk about like i can't tell you a fun story about what i did with my friend because you're gonna be like that sounds like it could be sex yeah or again if this is someone who's oh they're what 30 they're gonna probably have encountered jealous people before so you won't even be able to get lucky with

someone who doesn't know to kick you to the curb they're gonna be like I don't have time for this I'm 30 well I would hope this hopefully but I'm saying the odds are against you and they should be against you yes it's true either way don't do it examine

to your own motivations for doing so and get over your jealousy because it doesn't fucking matter. I'm seeing someone currently that is a lot of fun. And I think like. You mean like visually seeing them right now through a webcam? Thanks. You're fun too. It's your partner in the background. background but like i think like the majority of or like at least a good chunk of the like male

friends that she hangs out with are people that she's had past relationships with and like it's fine it's cool and like i can't imagine we would have progressed to where we are now if i was just like so what did you and him do today what did you and him do or like if i was like i don't know like checking up or texting every time I knew they were hanging out, like that. Or even just like if every person they ever hung out with, you were like, well,

would you fuck this one? Did you fuck this one? And like, does it stop there? Or is it how many times? When? Where? Like how long ago?

Yeah. Like depending on the social circles, there are circles where I've slept with many of the women in that, like, you know, who I run with in that crew or over here, none or whatever. And it's like, I don't have the energy if I had a partner who was like, wait, that person, wait, that person, wait, that person you talked like, fuck off. Yeah. So don't do this. Nope. Ever.

Honestly, you're not going to gain anything except your independence. I'm going to keep going uh this one is nameless it said posted by two minutes ago but i think for some reason they deleted their name and it's just gone so it's posted by blank two minutes ago uh do people always accidentally hit their girlfriends and boyfriends or is he purposely doing it guy i've been dating hits me at least once every time we see each other it's always an accident but i'm not sure anymore. It'll be him elbowing my ribs and saying, oh my God, I'm so sorry, and kissing me. Or elbowing me in the eye.

Or accidentally hitting my face. Now it seems like he's more annoyed that I say, ow. I don't want to make him feel bad, but it hurts. I love him so much and he has a goofy sweet side, although sometimes I see a darkness in his eyes. Is it when he's hitting you? I can't put my finger on it, but when he leaves and I feel a bruise start to form on my body, I kind of feel sad. Not only do I miss him, but I'm physically hurt.

I sometimes wonder how my brain processes that. I don't want to create more problems I'll have to overcome in a few years. Has anyone dealt with this? Are men just very clumsy? For a background story, we went to a restaurant. The waiter tried to sit us down on a comfy dim lit couch with a tall standing heater. And I thanked the waiter. He was an older man, by the way, 50 to 60 years old. And we're 24. And my boyfriend said no with attitude and walked us to another table and insisted we sat there. I listened because I don't want to embarrass us as a unit and make a big deal. We never talked about it, but people at

the restaurant were staring. And I wanted to cry because I was excited to sit next to a heater, since it was cold, and I felt humiliated. Like my comfort didn't matter. Why would he snap like that when we were having a good night? But sometimes I feel like he gets mad at me for getting attention. He doesn't want to compliment me because he says, I already know. But I grew up the ugly duckling, was bullied, and I'm just now growing into my looks. I didn't really need to deal with mean people before because all the mean people announced themselves by being rude to me because I wasn't pretty, so it was easy to stay away from them, but now it's hard to tell who's who. I'm adjusting to adult life as well as being a woman, not trying to come off too intelligent, too opinionated, too humorous, too creative, although these are the things I used for my whole life for survival.

I couldn't be the prettiest, but I could make others feel better. Now I see. I can't be those things around certain people because it's intimidating. Which I don't mind. I don't mind dimming my light so others can shine. We all share this world, but no matter how much space I try to make for him, it never seems to be enough. Paired with the accidental hits, I'm like, is he mad at me for something? My friends tell me I'm too nice, but maybe I'm just not with a nice man. I'm trying to strengthen discernment but it's hard i feel like everyone's a great actor falling in love feels like something i don't want to do ever again what the fuck is that better bitch right there's there's some strong better bitch like vibe jesus yeah i know that went off the rails and then then we're on a whole separate track and now we're in a different train.

What the fuck was going on there? Again, this is I think there's like there's baselines, right? If I really if I couldn't tell you with 100 percent certainty that my partner wasn't sneakily getting in like cool jabs and blows and elbows to the face. If I couldn't say without like a hundred percent, without a doubt, certainty be like, Oh, it's an accident. They're not meaning to do this.

If there's a part of me, that's like, is he trying to fucking sucker punch me? Yes. I don't think I'd stealthily assaulting me on a daily basis. I don't think I'd want to be with that person. Also, here's the biggest red flag

he was mean to an not only a service worker not only a hospitality red flag but an elderly one even bigger red flag he embarrassed you on a night out he actively went against the thing you wanted to do and you feel so scared about setting him off slash causing a scene or embarrassing people. You also don't think he's a nice man. You also think he might be beating you on the slide. Like what the fuck? If this,

the thing is like, if any of those things are true of any of those situations, uh, he might not be a good person. I'm not sure. I can't tell. Great. If you can't tell whether he's a good person or not,

dump him. He's mean to old service workers or any service anyone anyone hospitality unacceptable that is my biggest red flag i've ended multiple dates very early because the person i'm on a date with has been like outwardly mean or rude to the server and i've just been like cool that's it we're done oh I've never had that happen and I'm so glad it's happened to me like twice and I literally had to be like yeah I think I'm gonna call it here

and they were like oh and I was like I'm gonna stay though because I want to keep drinking here and it's a nice bar and I am gonna have to ask you to leave good if not you the manager should have come by him and like yeah yeah go on get and the other one

was like ages ago which was also unacceptable no that's fucked up and if you do it you should be ashamed of yourself and like in any case not on a date not not on a date anytime fuck you and finally if you are with someone who makes you think that you need to dull your shine

yeah that's like the reason that you're with your partner is because they they add kindling to your fire yeah they should want more of your shine your shine is the whole reason they're there the reason i ever get with someone whether it's you know, monogamous relationship or a friendship or romantic relationship, regardless of what it is, my whole purpose is I want to see more of the thing that has drawn you or me to you, right? Like the reason that I love you or the reason that I adore you or the reason

why I'm attracted to you. I want to do everything I can to elevate that. Right? So if it's a sexual relationship, I want to make sure that you feel as sexy as possible when we're having sex. Right. Like, I want you to feel incredible. If it's a romantic relationship, I want you to feel loved. And I want that to be like the thing that pushes you forward.

Like all these things. Like, that's why you should be in a relationship. That's regardless of the relationship, friendship, anything. It should be to elevate that person to a level where they are a more genuine and secure version of themselves. And the same thing for like, it should be on the flip side where if I'm in a relationship, I want to be more Dane. I want to be the most Dane version of myself while I'm with that person. If I have to tailor who I am or change who I am or do things differently and start like

unless it's a moment of growth. Great. Cool. But that's that's what I mean by like becoming a better version of myself. Yeah. If I'm walking on eggshells and like again, also leaving with daily bruises. Now this person sucks shit and also like are men just very

clumsy like what's more realistic that half the world is clumsy or this guy sucks i'm like look the dude might be clumsy sure but like is that also something you need to endure yeah i mean like maybe it is maybe he is just the clumsiest man ever and he's like ben stiller from a fucking early 2000s you know what even if he was he gets annoyed that she says ow like yeah it doesn't matter this guy could be cursed by a witch to be just like flails a lot you know and he still sucks shit like yeah he's got ben stiller itis. If this happened to you and you're like, not, I'm so sorry, please. That swamp witch did a number on me.

I'm going to wear padding. I love you. I'm so sorry. Here's some bruise ointment. I just. Yeah, he's bad. This is bad. All of it's bad.

Also, don't feel like you obviously do what you need to do. You know, we always say your safety is paramount. So maybe, you know, if you save your safety as paramount. So maybe, you know, if you feel unsafe in a situation doing something, but don't ever feel like you have to be less humor. Like there's just a thing is too much of yourself. Be, be who you are.

Don't be less funny. Don't be less opinionated. Don't be less like that fucking sucks so much. And I don't care. I know that's like from a position of insecurity as well. Like it's, it's hard to feel care. I know that's like from a position of insecurity as well. Like it's hard to feel. I mean, this is something I've talked about a lot and have dealt with a lot of like that, that feeling of not being good enough. It's hard to once you finally start receiving love in a positive and healthy way, it's hard to like express that outwardly because you kind of still are worried that everything that people are telling you isn't true. Right.

So it's like if people finally start, like if you finally start meeting people and they express their attraction to you, it's hard to like be like, yes, I am attractive. You know what I mean? Like it's hard to accept that. So I get it. But don't ever feel like you need to turn that down for the sake of anybody else, because anybody who needs you to turn that down isn't worth turning it down for. Yes.

If that makes sense. Yeah. I always feel the need to be like caveat. Maybe something you're doing sucks shit and you think it's you being really funny, but it's your man with the dark thoughts from two episodes ago. Right? Yeah. So I would always just be like, sometimes there is time for growth and it's not, no, they should accept me as I am. But I don't feel like this is the situation to say that,

you know, I just, I don't know. Never want to speak in absolutes. Right for the next one. This is by son of Sarkhan. Oh, Jesus. Meeting for our third date tomorrow. I, 26 year old male, want to ask her, 24 year old female, where she thinks things are going. So for the past month or so, I've been talking to a girl I met on Hinge. I think things are going well. She's smart, beautiful, funny, and we seem to have a lot in common. Two weeks ago, we met for coffee after talking on the app for a week, and I think things went well. There was never a dull moment.

We seem to have good chemistry, or at least I think so. And this continued last week when we met for lunch. So tomorrow, we're going to the movies and then possibly grabbing a bite to eat afterwards depending on how things are going. Pretty much, I want to ask her how she thinks things are going because I've been burned too many times here, or too many times before, by putting a lot of effort into a potential relationship only for it to end in failure. I'm also a little hesitant because on our second date, she wanted to be honest and told me she'd gone on a date the day before, but she didn't think anything was going to happen there, which I feel is fine since we haven't been seeing each other for very long and haven't made a commitment

however i'm nervous because i got the feeling if i ask her i'll scare her away and towards someone else i'm probably overthinking this i just want things to work out with this girl edit her dating profile says she's looking for something long term i forgot to mention that and it seems like an important piece of info um okay i mean this is something we talk about a lot it is not on their it is not their responsibility to determine or like to answer that question it is your responsibility to communicate what you want and how you're feeling and how you know where you think it's going or where you want it to go like all that is on your responsibility because as we've talked about before, when you say, Hey,

what's, where is this going? The likelihood of getting an honest answer is so slim because they're probably going to try to guess the answer that they, they, they think you want to hear. Yes. And then it's like,

cool. Are you just saying what I want to, what I want to hear? Because then that doesn't do any good. And then you're wondering, do you, do you like me, but you're worried that I don't want something serious so you're playing it cool but to me it sounds like you're not into me and now i'm upset or you know like vice versa like

it's not good yeah so don't do it i think it's a great sign that she's like hey i want to be honest with you i'm seeing i went on another date that's that's a great sign because if she didn't respect you or didn't care about your feelings, she probably wouldn't have told you. Why would she? Not that not telling you is disrespectful or not caring about your feelings, but she wouldn't do it if she did. Yeah. So cool. So I think you just need to be like, hey, look, I've been having a really great time with you.

This has been really fun. I I've really enjoyed our dates together. And like, I wouldn't go to eat like you've seen each other twice twice like coffee and lunch are very very low commitment and very not sexy yes that's the thing i think they're very safe everything you're saying right now is completely correct but like i i think there might just be an issue with the like the i want to say soon as he, but that's not the word, but I don't think it's a word at all. Soon to the,

he sounds good though. Soon did he does sound good, right? Maybe I should call my Baldur's gate character that it's too soon. I think you haven't really been on a proper date. You know what I mean? I don't think the movies counts either, but no,

you've, you've done like the three most, like, again, no shade on coffee, no shade on lunch again no shade on coffee no shade on lunch some shade on the movies but like you've done what you could do in high school you know i think it's way too soon i think it's too soon for you to be committing so much and it's definitely too soon to be like how do you see this going where are you at like she doesn't know you yet man yeah

there's no way you could know and it doesn't matter right now and it's like you're saying oh i commit too much to the relationship. It's like, have you? You've had lunch and a coffee, right? Yeah. So are you committing too much? Exactly. And if you're committing too much emotionally, that's a you problem and not a them problem.

A hundred percent. Right? So maybe your expectations, you're putting the cart before the horse. Real big time here. so you need to like pump the brakes i say you know if you guys aren't starving after the movie go to a nice cocktail bar go to a nice like go to a place that has a bit of atmosphere where you guys can like be adults yeah in darkness you know what i mean like like fuck her on the couch is what dane's saying i'm not saying not to do it um yeah like go go to somewhere nice nearby that has some atmosphere that has a vibe and maybe somewhere close to your place so that you can like at least

not necessarily you don't have to do it but at the end of the night be like hey i live nearby do you want to come over for a nightcap and because then then you start to like put you you get out of like business meeting lunchtime casual sort of like low commitment low uh low romance situation here a coffee and a lunch they're half a date each yeah coffee is is like a i'm making sure you look like your pictures and you're not a fucking just straight up weirdo right like that's that's what i feel like coffee is coffee is 25 minutes to make sure you're not an absolute fucking lunatic and then lunch is sort of another like i want to keep my night free for a real date yeah i'd also love like it could be no but it also could be like i don't know what kind of lunch you went for like were you guys at

work and you met for like 40 minutes yeah because that's that's real bad so yeah i just you need to pump the brakes but dane's right have have proper dates learn to to get to know this person because the thing is you don't fucking know them they don't fucking know you yeah and i feel like the longer you stay in like daytime territory the more time like people have again i don't want to feel i don't want to make it sound like you're competing or anything not but if if guys are being like hey let's go for drinks and doing more adult things doing more romance centric things more things that feel like real dates as opposed to more confident things right yeah like i feel like you are taking a back seat

to people who might be playing a little bit more again i don't want to use the word aggressive maturely yeah and on top of that if you move too quickly that's a turnoff yeah you know what i mean and it's like you you barely fucking know this person even if you had three very good very like full day dates what are you doing after three dates? You can't say that, man. And I also assume like there hasn't been any sort of like intimacy. Probably not. If you guys ended up going for a lunch date and then fucking, you know, made out hard in the alley behind the restaurant, that would be a different story.

But even then, three dates is too little. Three dates is way too little. Yeah. No. Chill. Chill. then, three dates is too little. Three dates is way too little. Yeah. No. Chill. Chill. Chill. Chill.

Chill. Chill. Like, the good thing about you mentioning her profile is she has said what she's looking for. So you don't need to say, oh, are you looking for something long term? She is. You don't need to say, are you looking for something long term with me? Because she can't possibly know yet.

It's been two dates. Yeah. So you know she's looking for something the sun was up yeah exactly you know she's looking for what you're looking for and you know she likes you a certain amount because she's met you twice and we'll meet you a third time so you just need to continue until those two things meet and it makes sense instead of fucking beefing it by being way too overeager way too quickly and also your side of things, you need to calm down with that emotional weight you're throwing on.

I'm assuming every date you're going on, right? Enjoy it. Have fun with it. Be like, wow, I met this really cool person. I'm excited to see them. If it doesn't work out, why does it matter? Because guess what? You fucking throwing a cartload of emotions onto the first thing that looks your way.

It's not going to work out. No. Take your time enjoy it you can't you can't rush this shit there's no cheat code and that's good out of her book and maybe go on a couple other dates with other people right like if you start opening up your options and start seeing other people and going on more dates then it won't be like all everything i have i'm putting i'm funneling into this one relationship, and it's got to work because it's all I'm doing right now. Yeah, and then you put so much pressure on this thing, it breaks.

And they freak the fuck out. Yeah. So, yeah. Now, I will say, if for some reason you're not the kind of person that can do that, don't force yourself to do things you don't want to do because the only thing worse than not dating is you miserably dating or like spitefully dating to like get back at her in your head or to be like, look, I can do it too. So don't do it if you're not going to genuinely enjoy it. But like, there's no real benefit to, I'm only going to date one person, especially if you're going to be, I don't know how you feel about her dating other people. You didn't seem to get miserable about it,

which I appreciate. But like, if you're going to load everything on people in this unhealthy way, maybe you do need to get out more in that way. I agree. This is by another deleted user. Living with my boyfriend, male 27, isn't as good slash fun as I, female

25, thought it was going to be. I bought a house last year and we've just moved into it a week ago. It's been experienced to say the least. And I've seen sides of him. I really don't like, and he's making me anxious. He's grumpy.

I'm very dismissive a lot more. So when I ask him to do something, which so far has been DIY, which if I knew how to do it, I would just do myself to avoid the hassle. He makes a deal out of it. And it seems like everything is wrong or an issue with whatever it is. I've asked him to do. These moods are really getting to me to the point I told him he was being an asshole.

Completely unlike me. I hate confrontation. But I've had enough. I'm not really sure what to do. There's still so much to get done in the house. I'm actually scared to ask him as I know it's just going to be a repeat. My first, my gut reaction when you said this is you bought the house and he feels emasculated. That he's living in your house and it's your house

and he's there because of you maybe i also like if you need work to be done hire someone to do it you know i mean like i would love to know was this an agreement like did he offer was an agreement or you just like oh you know how to do diy you You know, fix the fucking door, paint the, you know what I mean? Like maybe he's bummed because it isn't his house. So he kind of feels like he has to do it. But at the same time, it's like, you know, this could be if he moved in and you were like, do all the chores. It's my house.

Again, we need more. We need more context, right? It could well be what you're saying, right? But like, maybe he doesn't want to do all this housework for you. Yeah. I mean, I guess it depends on like the, like the load of like,

is it every 30 seconds? Like he's trying to like relax after work and you're like, um, the cupboard is, is squeaky. Um, the door is off its hinge. Uh,

this needs to get done. Or is it like you guys bought the house and you're like, here are the things that need to get done. Yeah. And you guys were like, we'll do that. Like that's stuff that's in our ability. And then now he's like, man, I don't want to. It could well be that he was like, oh, I know DIY.

I can do all this shit. Let's save some money. You know what I mean? I don't know. Yeah. I wish we did know. But I think various things. One, don't just call him an asshole.

Sure. Maybe he was being one. That's fine. But like, that's not communication, which we talk about the odd time on this podcast. So like communicate, talk about what your actual issues are. Be like, hey, you're being super grumpy and weird. And it's like, when we weren't living together, you were really fun to hang out with. It was really nice.

All of a sudden you're super grumpy. Every time we try, you know, that's communication. Figure out what your issues are and see if he has an explanation. Maybe he doesn't realize, I don't know, maybe there's a deeper issue that he hasn't brought up, which again, isn't good communication. But if you communicate well, maybe you'll get to the bottom of that. Maybe he does feel like you're fucking handyman and doesn't like it. Maybe he feels awkward because it's your home. It's not his. Maybe he feels out of place. I don't know. Just because he might feel a way also doesn't mean it's your home it's not his maybe he feels out of place i don't know just because he might feel away also doesn't mean it's valid necessarily the enemy it might he might be being a dick but you

need to get to the bottom of that and just being like you're a fucking asshole doesn't get there no you know so i agree you have to have a conversation be like hey so here are the things that need to be done around the house if you don't want to do them that's fine but we're going to need to sit down and do a budget so that we can hire people to get it done because they need to get done yes that's a very assertive way to go about what you want because if he's like great yes i don't want to do it let's make a budget but if he's like oh i don't want to spend the money or yeah if he's like it's your house yeah right like i i think you would learn a lot from that conversation of just being like great you know here, here's,

here's a list of things to get done. We could do it together. I will help you whatever I can. There are some things I don't know and you know how to do it. So like, I'll take your lead, but you know, I'm not,

I'm not putting all the work on you, but if you don't want to do it, these things still need to get done. So there's two options and it's, we get someone else or you do it. And like they're leaving it to not get done isn't an option. Right. That's like if you guys are living there together. Yes, I know it's your place.

But like realistically, the burden of living there is shared. So, you know, unless it's something crazy, unless it's like, oh, I want to remodel the, you know, blah, blah, blah. Like I could understand his hesitation for paying then if it's like something that's going to massively change the home and isn't like necessary. But it's like you need a door on the bathroom. Yeah, you both need a door on the bathroom. I think there is there's like gray areas where like you probably should shoulder most of the burden if it's your home and it's a thing that's benefiting your home in like the long run more so than with them. I don't know how long you guys have been dating, but like. I'd also say it also depends on like, is he paying? Like, is he helping contribute to the mortgage?

Exactly. And these are all things we don't know about, but they all factor into this conversation. But like, you need to have this conversation. You need to see where their head's at. You need to explain why you're upset. And again, if you guys can't meet in some kind of communicative middle why the fuck are you dating and if you can you move from there yep gotcha got a chat uh oh how about some mid to late episode sex news because i forgot to mention at the start because i was complaining so much

as you hear about the uh the burning man sex plane i know i barely even heard about i know they all got trapped there and i don't really know the whole situation uh a very big like slow moving desert storm came through and waterlogged everything you know the desert what that's how it should happen right yeah so basically no one could move anything and only emergency vehicles were allowed to drive and like the airport shut down and all this shit and it was like everyone was just like come and serve your food and water because you're not leaving haha don't die uh i believe it ended up being like mostly okay i think there were a few deaths either way there was a plane and they were offering a service where they would fly you

and your partner around over burning man it's like a tiny like two-seater like mini plane without like a shitty mattress and sheets in the back and they just take you up until you both came and then they take you down nice and apparently most trips were about 20 minutes but one of them went for three hours cool i don't know if it was a real good uh a real good ride or a real bad ride now it'd be interesting like what if you guys went up there and then just really didn't give it your all so no one came? Eventually they would have to land.

Fuel is finite. So then you could be like, this is a lie. You said we'd be up here until we came. We haven't came yet. Or you fake it so you can land. That doesn't help anybody. You fake not having it. That's what I meant. Just keep coming.

Fill that plane with cum. Yeah, that's it. It was very short sex news. Just interesting. Cool. Hey, if you were on the Burning Man sex plane, you want to tell us how it went? Reach out. Let us know.

I'm just going to hit the next one on the list, Dane. Okay. This is also deleted. My girlfriend... Oh, this is throweray66667777. My girlfriend, he's 25, she's 24 24 told me she can't promise to be faithful. We were together for four months. She told me no one can promise things that are in the future. And that being faithful is something you choose to do every day. She says she wants to choose me every day and she hopes she

does, but she can't promise that. I just feel like that's a warning. She's giving me that she would cheat if the occasion was given. I told her that. And giving me that she would cheat if the occasion was given i told her that and she told me anyone would if the chemistry was right and that if someone did promise to always be faithful they'd be a liar i feel super unease with that yeah man i feel like there are two things that you can promise a partner and that's that you'll be faithful and that you'll be honest because those are two things that you can control which is like a big reason why i don't like marriage is like a lot of the, the idea of marriage is like, I will love you forever. Like that's most wedding vows is like, you know, the, the ring is this, you know, shows that it's like a continuous never ending thing.

It's unbreakable. It is, it is a lifelong bond. And I'm like, that is unreasonable. That's unrealistic because you can't promise that you're going to love someone forever because you might not, they can change. You could change any number of things can happen that promise that you're going to love someone forever because you might not. They can change. You could change. Any number of things can happen that would make you fall out of love with a person.

But you can be like, hey, I'm not going to cheat on you because I have 100% control over that. And I'm going to be honest with you because it is in both scenarios. I make the conscious choice to cheat on you or lie to you. Yeah. But like, those are the two things that you can promise. Also, like if you're entering into a monogamous relationship,

you are making that promise when you say, Hey, let me be your girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever. So like, are you, are you dating or not? Yeah. Like,

and like, that's if, if you want to live this free spirit lifestyle of being like, Oh, when someone inspires me or I'm so attracted to someone in the chemistry is all be polyamorous. Yeah. Be non-monogamous.

That's, that's an option. You can do that. Yeah. And like, or just like make the promise. And it's like, yeah,

sometimes people cheat, but like, it's just, I don't know. It's like, it's not like you make the promise. Now you can't cheat. It's like,

you still can you piece of shit. You know, I just don't. It's not like you make the promise. Now you can't cheat. It's like you still can, you piece of shit. You know, I just don't understand that weird like logic. But it's like that guy from a few episodes ago who was like, okay, I told the future. So I can't like, I don't want to lie to you. It's the same shit. It's literally just front loading like an excuse into the fucking mix so that when you do cheat, because this person clearly wants to, you're like, oh, but I told you. Yeah. fucking mix so that when you do cheat because this person clearly wants to you're like oh but i told you yeah and like look i'm i'm not going to stand here and say that like there isn't going to be a scenario or time where if you are in a monogamous relationship you meet someone and like everything aligns and they are like you you're like this is the person you can just end the relationship

yeah you can really not be a dick that's that's the option be like hey i'm really sorry i met someone and like sure it's gonna hurt your partner and if you're a decent person it's probably gonna suck to do that but you know what else sucks and it's gonna hurt your partner cheating on them yeah exactly so i just love this weird defense like it's not it's not a good thing it's not like oh look i'm a nice person because i'm not gonna like oh maybe i'll cheat on you but now because i'm saying that it's okay no it's not okay so yeah this is a big red flag your partner probably sucks yeah or like imagine like if they held this logic in any other sense in life it would be awful be like oh are you gonna go get the groceries well i don't know what's gonna happen i could

try going to try to get the groceries but what if i drive out of here and all of a sudden fucking you know bon jovi jumps in the car and he needs to go to the airport or he'll miss his gig and i can't not drive bon jovi to the airport right in the right circumstances with bon jovi in the car i won't get the music please please stop yeah michelle please i can't do this anymore yeah yeah nothing Yeah. Nothing is absolute. We get that. But if we live that way, we didn't have conversations with each other. Michelle, please. I agree.

It's bad. And honestly, I would just be like, cool. If you can't make that promise that I can't, I don't want to be with you. Yes. It's a very, very simple promise. And it's like, also, if we're monogamous, you've made that promise already. And what you're telling me is that you haven't done that. Like, we're not exclusive if you are willing to fuck someone if the chemistry is right.

Yes, exactly. That's about that. That's about that. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating profiles on platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Do you want a live swipe or do you want me to find some? No, no. What do you want to do? Tinder, Bumble, or Hinge today? What's the one we do least? I feel like we do Tinder most, right? Yeah. Let's do Hinge. Let's do Hinge.

Hinge I find generally has... People actually use the prompts because you kind of have to. Yeah. Perfect. Green flags I look out for. This is Priscilla. Green flags I look out for is empathy and consistency. It's important to be curious about each other and have our own hobbies and interests that we're passionate about.

Sure. Yeah. Totally fine. Seven. Yeah. It's all boring, but seven. Yeah. It's a pity Priscilla missed out on the bonus point for mentioning Ballers Gate.

Okay. Here's Lena and I'm going out on the bonus point for mentioning ballers gate okay here's here's lena and i'm gonna do the whole profile or all the prompts all i ask is that you keep it real my love language is food a life goal of mine retire early okay that's it hey you know what she's keeping it real she is keeping it real. It's so boring, but like, it's almost charmingly bad. I think a six, maybe a five. I'm going to give it.

Yeah. For me, it's like, no, I'm going to give it a four. Cause you'd have to be like, for me, like you'd have to be really,

really hot. Like your pictures, like you would have to like check a lot of physical boxes for me in order to be like, yes, this is someone i want to spend time with there is a picture however of it is a meme but it looks like it's a someone has taken a picture of that meme perfect and it says i may be lolling on the outside but i'm what the fucking on the inside and it is and it is wtfing on the end yeah what a wonderful and smooth way to take a picture of

a wonderful and smooth meme yeah it's gonna drop it down to a four for that alone yep um okay this one this one has a lot of writing so let's see let's see what laura has to say about herself my simple pleasures earnestness the smell of old books just catching the subway unexpected blooms I love it. It's cute. It's very, very good. I'm going to give it an eight. Okay, well, my greatest strength. Paying attention.

Reading. Making oatmeal. Cat whispering. Playing devil's advocate. Wondering. Walking. Caring. Devil's advocate, wondering, walking, caring. Devil's advocate one is weird.

I don't love that. That's not great because that's not really a good thing to do. Yeah. It's usually done by the worst people in the worst circumstances. Exactly. And lastly, I'm looking for accountability, broad-mindedness, curiosity, dedication, empathy, fun, gratitude, humor, imagination imagination jagged edges kindness love magnanimity nourishment optimism perceptiveness out of characters you do the rest wink hmm we started an eight i was gonna give it a nine then devil's advocate came around and bumped it back

to an eight but then what i'm looking for it moved from personality and fun and whatever into like very boring broad like ideals you know what i mean yeah none of them are particularly actionable or like exciting just kind of felt like a word salad of like blandness so it's gonna be seven all over actually i think i'm gonna give it a six okay uh okay Okay. Here's another. This is Julia. I take pride in being a musician. We're the same type of weird if you enjoy categorizing things. My simple pleasures, morning coffee, morning practice, taking care of my dog. Hmm. You know what?

The categorizing thing, it kind of gets me. I like it. It's weird. It's interesting. I don't really know what they mean, like categorizing them how. It's great. People. I just love that that's something that's clearly big for them so yeah that's one through the blandness because i do like music and and dogs and coffee so i'm gonna give that an eight um okay now do we want to there's a voice prompt on this next one fuck

yeah go do we do we give it a go? Okay. Just go for it. I'll do the prompts first and see if the voice prompt makes or breaks it. You should not go out with me. You have lied on your profile. Let's not waste each other's time, please. Don't say you're 42 when in fact you're 27 looking to meet older women. Is that the problem? Is that what we're doing?

All those people who are lying and saying they're younger and they're actually younger and hotter than they are. Get out of here. The hallmark of a good relationship is comfortable silence. When you're comfortable being your true self. My love language is words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time. I think it's a red flag when you actually put in your love language. I want something weird, right? Yes.

You're taking the question far too literally and it's not fun all right here we go the prompt is i'll fall for you if all for you if you are funny kind honest and passionate why did you feel the need to say such a boring thing right you added nothing by making it your voice it's weird it's a weird profile it feels like they're trying to humble brag at the start but be like hey all you hot young people lying to get in my pants stop it yeah right like i don't feel the need like to add that adds anything i don't know so it's gonna be a four for me yeah i'm gonna yeah yeah i think that's right um let's do one more i'm gonna switch over to bumble do a couple bumbles let's do it uh okay here we go uh this is nancy a person or about me a person climbing a mountain and standing on top of the mountain

to take to order takeout will somewhere well hold on is this a riddle person climbing a mountain and standing at the top of the mountain to order takeout will someone deliver it to me no will someone deliver it to me i'm known for cooking or cycling if that's a skill is that it that's it that's that's what we get i don't understand any of this profile yeah like is the start meant to be a joke do they genuinely want to know what i don't even know what they're asking will someone deliver to them but what does it mean about me someone standing on top of a mountain ordering what does that mean are you the person on the mountain what does it mean what does it mean what do you mean yeah i have no idea and like, are they saying cooking and cycling aren't skills like skills?

I don't know. This can be my last one because there's actually like stuff here. I don't know what it says. We're going to find the other one, too, because it was bad. Yeah, give me a two as well. This is Lesia, Canadian artist and creative professional slash recent ish transplant looking to meet some new people and see what what's there in terms of a connection swipe right if you're kind you think most people are mostly good and you can laugh at yourself we'll get along if you're into any of these art music design social

economic and environmental justice exploring shooting the shit the outdoors slow travel tattoos etc tutors in a lie i've been on a seal hunt. I've spent a month in Myanmar. Myanmar? Is that how you pronounce it? I used to work in climate change research. And then they say, okay, they're all true. You hunted seals? You did a seal hunt?

Now, I will say, I'm alright with it if it's not a commercial one. If you were brought along with an indigenous group. I know, but at the same time, it's like you being one if you were brought along with like an indigenous group i know but at the same time it's like them like you being there kind of i don't know you didn't need to do it yeah like again i don't know if like did you kill them or were you just there because you're a climate change person and like that's part of yeah i guess you're right like that's i i could but i don't know if on my dating profile, I'd be like, hey, I do one of the things that most people fucking hate.

Yeah. Like one of the most cruel like animal practices there are. I killed a cute animal. Like even like hunting. It's like, I don't know if I would love if someone's like, yeah, I fucking shot a deer. It's like deer. You're pretty cute. You know what I mean?

And like seal clubbing is very clearly a terrible thing. So, yeah, I don't know. it's a weird one to throw in there i was gonna say like one of those things has to be true because the other makes it a lie so it's weird to me that they have done both but i guess you're it could happen in certain circumstances but does feel like a weird move putting it in your profile yeah because it's like without context, it is like a pretty universally reprehensible thing. Like not a whole lot of people are pro seal hunt. Yeah, but I mean, maybe that's the kind of guy you're looking for. Maybe just fucking soft little guys.

Maybe they're just trying to be edgy. Wait, like, hold on. Like, I'm intrigued. You know, maybe they're trying to get you and then they go, oh, it's actually totally fine. I know it's still a weird move. Yeah, I'm putting it at a five. Yeah, it's not bland. It's not terrible.

There are little sprinkles of question mark in there. There's nuggets that I could be mined. Well, guys, that's us. That's it. We're done. We love you. I couldn't be more excited for the end of this episode. And that's not because I didn't love spending time with you.

It's because I am so fucking hot and because he loves Baldur's Gate more. I do in fact love Baldur's Gate more but we might be able to love you as much as Baldur's Gate if you go and join our Patreon and think about it. The more you support

the show, the less we have to work our like job jobs which sucks which means we can play work our job jobs, which sucks, which means we can play Baldur's Gate more, which means I'll be less upset when we record the episode because we've got more time. Right? Got more time. And then we'll eventually get sick of Baldur's Gate,

so we'll be able to record more podcast episodes. Exactly. And don't worry, there's something in it for you. You get a new episode every month and our entire back catalog, which at this point, it's like half a year's worth of episodes. Not like end to end, but you know what I mean? Like a week's worth of half a year.

Yeah. So please go join us. Support us. If we've ever made you laugh once, legally you have to. You legally have to. It's podcast law. Podcast law. Cool.

Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Seeds for their song Paper Stars. Thank you for everyone who has already booked tickets for the show. Thank you for everyone who is going to go. If you've ever heard me say this sentence, you legally have to buy one. Do. It's a plow. It's a plow. Are you ready for some backtracking? Yeah.

This is a tweet by a lady on Twitter and they say, did you notice that men are no longer persuasive? Once they ask you out on a date and you say no, that's it. Fed up face. This is why we have problems with consent. This is a good thing and why we

do this podcast. This is exactly what I always talk about, like the gray area of consent that is the worst is because the more you tell men that no doesn't mean no or that they should try a little harder, the worse it is for everyone. So stop doing it. Yes. And I love that. Hopefully this is indicative of the world as a large, because

if people have stopped playing this bullshit game of like, wait, was that a yes? No, like good, good. This should never be a thing. Fuck these games. Be straight up. If you want someone to date you, just fucking say yes. If you don't, say no. And again, if they take your no and leave you alone, good.

You know what game I don't want to say fuck to? Baldur's Gate, which is where we're going to go right now. Thank you very much. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we have been your fuck buddies.