F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 260 - Stick Up Pick Up

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

NOBODY MOVE!  If you do exactly what we say and listen to this brand new episode, no one needs to get hurt...  Nobody be a hero. Topics include a wet mistake that you could never learn from, missing the whole hole, artfully dropping your number, a pushy vagina, how to heist her heart, the face is not a chair, getting bro-zoned. 

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions about sex and dating either online or from our wonderful listeners. And we answer them here every Monday in your ears. Also on stage, October 26th, Black Sheep, calm again. It's great. It was fun. And on Patreon, monthly episodes. Yes. I'm glad you mentioned that because I wanted to talk about it. We actually have an advance notice of when we're doing our next show.

And as Nell said, it is on October 26th. That's another Thursday, 7 p.m. in Toronto at Black Sheep Irish Cocktail Bar. Emphasis on the cock. And the tail and uh ten dollar tickets uh book now uh they do go fast every now and then the tickets just disappear so you want to get them early so that we know we need to release more yeah and uh last one was great and they keep getting spicier which i i love we had our spiciest crowd ever last show. Yeah. Even like, even our first act of three, we had people losing it in the crowd. And that was very fun.

It was a blast. So please come. We want to see your beautiful faces. Yep. You ready? Yeah. Let's just fucking go. How should I have reacted to a server spilling water on me?

I was going out with someone while we were talking and having lunch together. A server slipped and poured a jug of water on my shirt and pants. I understood it was an honest mistake because the server was panicking, so she started wiping down my shirt and apologizing profusely. I gave her a smile and replied, eh, don't worry about it. I needed to cool down anyway. You should probably clean up the broken jug first before someone gets hurt. Later, my date told me I should have been more stern to the server so it never happens again, or they won't take their mistakes seriously. How should I have reacted reacted i know i am still emotionally a little bit stunted but i never want to be stern or rude to anyone is there another way to approach that situation look we you and i have both been working in the service industry for a considerable amount of time

and thankfully the first time i yeeted a pitcher of water on someone. They did just yell at me for like a good 30 minutes. Otherwise, look. Well, the thing is, you were lucky, right? Because for me, I was throwing pitchers of water on people for like months. For years. Years. Yeah, it was almost two years. And like first time it was, of course, an accident, right?

But like then I got the taste for it. And if you don't know it's bad right and that's the thing i how would i know right when you touch when you're a baby and you touch a hot stove you get ah exactly i'm not gonna do that again yeah but if i touch the stove and i didn't get the stove says hey it's fine don't worry about it it was an accident i go i'm gonna fucking hold this stove 24 seves, melt my hands. I'm going to burn the shit out of these fingies. And then when I die from melted fingies, it's your fault.

So your date was completely right. You probably like, look, we don't like to advocate for physical violence, but maybe slap him once, twice. Look, no more than three. Perfectly good broken glass on the ground. Yeah. A little scarification. A little slice for a little reminder it's kind of like the water bottle spray of humans right yeah just slice them up a little just a little slice uh the real don't say it that's it next question the real thing you should do is dump this fucker i i mean we've

talked about it a bunch where we're like any like one of my biggest immediate red flags is if someone is rude to hospitality or like service workers yeah i mean granted like being rude to anybody yeah but that especially but like being on a date and someone's like wow you really didn't treat that other human being like garbage it's like who in their right mind thinks like she got away with it that server got away with water murder but like what i love is like oh she's gonna do it again because you weren't mean it's like do you think it was on purpose also do you think it was fun for her no like you can clearly like the question is like oh she was panicked and yeah super all apologetic people

do that if unless it's the perfect crime that's how devious this motherfucker is yeah they've worked out no it's just this part like oh you're not gonna this person you're dating is dumb because they're like there's a chance that this was premeditated or that like you yelling at them or being shitty is somehow going to deal with them being clumsy or unfortunate in the future. And that's stupid. They wanted you to be more mean to this person in a time of like duress. Yeah. Yeah.

No, like fuck that. And the thing, the other thing is like, it's, it will have the opposite effect. No, for sure. Of being like, every time this person's carrying a pitcher of water, they're be so much so nervous and so like they're gonna think about this every fucking time right like i have i've done this more or less except instead of water it was a pitcher of beer um i had a i had a pitcher of beer on my tray granted it wasn't my fault people are fucking idiots but i had a pitcher of beer and then like six glasses on and someone decided it would be a good idea to help me by taking one of the glasses throwing off my balance um but my like i still i i hated it i

didn't meet like you know what it means like of course no one no one means to because if they did it's my job like my money stop them my money right like the like your peace of mind and your like comfort and like it's just it sucks you feel bad it's awkward everything's terrible and for the rest of any time i was serving if i ever had like a jug of beer like that i would always have glasses on a tray pitcher in my hand right because i remembered that forever if you fucking yelled at this person they would probably carry that with them for the rest of their like serving career however long it may be they they will remember it's like anytime you'll notice that like at least in my experience like when a bartender drops a glass that's not

the last glass they're breaking oh no or when they make starts the the trend for the rest of the night because now you're like fuck you're kind of thrown off and then you're in your own head a little bit too much yeah and then it's just a spiral from there yeah yeah or it's like you know when someone makes a mistake and then it's like you just keep making mistakes yes because it throws you off your adrenaline goes you feel like whatever yeah yeah brain's like oh i should take a back seat you're like no brain no i need you more than ever i need you now but like this person was upset that you were nice to someone in a moment where niceness is most valuable yes so do not see this person more because like it translates into things like,

Oh, why did you give that, you know, homeless person money? It's like, well, I don't know. I had $2 and they needed money.

It's not my job to figure out what he's going to spend it on. Right. Like, but it's, it's a moment of compassion. It's a moment of like being nice to a fellow human being when you can recognize that, Oh,

this person right now would benefit more greatly from me being kind to them than they would for me being stern with them. And even just being a nice person. She got upset at you for being a nice person. Yeah. I wouldn't want to fucking hang out with anyone like that. No, let alone date them.

Yeah. Like the only time I would ever want to like, sort of, uh, expel that sort of like you let that slide is if this person like if the server was shitty to you like if you know what i mean like if if someone is being mean to you and you're being too nice because you're don't you want to avoid confrontation that kind of stuff it's like and even then at least you can understand that right whereas like but this is like like we said it's like they want specifically you to negate the part of your brain that says oh this person requires a little bit of kindness to get them through a difficult situation and i want you to be mean yeah it also literally

doesn't make sense because you're like hey don't do that they were like yeah i know yeah you don't need to tell me that man like i know i know i goofed it yeah fully like it wasn't in the training manual so we never figured that one out but thankfully you and more importantly your stern girlfriend are here to lay down the law uh this comes from organic flatworm he couldn't find the hole all right so i was making out with this guy and we were progressing we were going to do the deed and i was so ready to lose my virginity but when he tried to put it in he ended up just pushing his dick into my ass cheeks it was really awkward and i didn't know what to do so i told him i wasn't ready even though i was now i feel real bad because i think i destroyed his confidence what would you do i would direct him yeah i'm going to operate like you haven't i don't know if this dude is also a virgin right but

i'm going to assume that perhaps you are younger and you guys are losing your virginity together or he's lied and said he hasn't. Like I, I would presume I would also love to know an experience like one of the two. I would love to know how, like the situation, was it like a quick fumble in a room while your parents were somewhere else? Or like,

did you have all the time in the world? Was it dark? What were you wearing? Or like, did you have all the time in the world? Was it dark? What were you wearing? Was it like close half on close half off? Like, was that a party? And you just like, you know,

and also how long the fumbling went on for, was it just like, he didn't really get it. And then you were like, Oh, fuck it. Also position. Yeah.

Or was it like extended? Was it like two, three minutes of like, I don't know what's going on. At which point, like, why did you not say help the man? Help the man out. That's the thing.

You've got hands. It's your body. You could be like, oh, hold on. Guide it. Boom. Like that is if you're unable to commit any kind of like personal attention or like you're not able to give to the experience even that level of help you're gonna be the worst fucking sexual partner and it's gonna suck for you too because yeah if you can't even be like oh put it here this is like like what are you doing what does that like lead to in your sexual career

even if you don't have sex with this partner of just being like oh i really wanted to massage my clit while he's fucking me and he didn't do it yeah okay yeah but even that is so much more advanced than like this like literally couldn't find it and i was like can't no nothing to do with me yeah guess i'll lie about the situation run away and now post about on reddit and like look i there are positions where sometimes I'll slip out and be like, I don't really like, help me out here. Right? Like it's, I've had a plenty of sex with plenty of women. And there are still times where I'm just like, oops. Yeah, for sure.

Or like target when you're getting it in, if it's an awkward position or whatever, sometimes it's very easy for the other person. Like, hold on. Yeah. And you're like, great. It saved us a second. You need to be able to take autonomy over your own body and your own experience if you want someone to do x y or z and you have you can take part in that too takes to the tango

you don't just lie there and go oh it's all on him yeah oh this sucks i guess it's all his fault especially when it comes to things like losing virginity, like that adds an extra level of anxiety and adds an extra level of care and intention and, you know, hesitation. Like there's a difference between having, being like having a, a,

a sexual experience in terms of like how long you've been having sex or how much sex you've had, where, especially if you've had like the same person of being like, I can throw certain partners down and just like throw my dick in them and we're good hooray we did it but like if it's a first time or if it's you know your literal first time having sex i would probably be a lot more ginger in terms of how quickly i put my penis for sure how you know how how delicate i am about the situation so that i can gauge your

comfort i can gauge your your level you work up you don't just jump right in right so i mean like there's those nerves happening as well again i'm assuming this guy is either a virgin as as well or a slightly less experience so it's like there's there's all this on his end of things that you are so unempathetic like you're lacking the empathy of realizing that you guys are in the same so it's like you're really horny you're ready to go and you're nervous obviously yeah so z so work work together we've talked about a lot when you when we're talking about like partners having sex for the first time even if you aren't virgins even just having sex with a new partner for the first time is a learning experience in which you guys have the opportunity to set yourselves up for success and it's communication uh patience empathy empathy

like learning being like oh he's nervous he couldn't maintain an erection for x number of reasons don't get weird about it he comes too soon don't get weird about it she didn't get wet enough don't get weird don't worry about She's shy. She had to call it off. Cause she was, it was starting to hurt her. Like any number of these things can happen. And just like at that point in time, you have to switch over and to be like,

Hey, it's fine. Don't worry about it. We're good. Which is also the best way to help. Not only that person in that moment, take notes, server woman,

server man, girlfriend, but it also is best way to help that problem going forward because nothing's gonna kill the next time like being like hey remember when we hooked up and it didn't go perfectly and they fucking were mean or shitty or awkward like that sucks so i just i think you weren't ready in this situation you said oh i told him i wasn't ready you weren't because you weren't ready to take part yeah you weren't ready to discuss you weren't ready to aid you were like you were ready to like just lie back and have sex done to you exactly and that fucking sucks for you and it sucks for them so you're you weren't ready and that's okay but next time be part of what you're

being part of right yeah take part that's it like why would you want to be passive in this yeah i mean being a passive lover it's kind of nice to like lie back and but like there's a difference between being engaged and being passive and and like you know enjoying yourself but it's like you like seem to just check out and be like it's sex time thing this is gonna happen to me if he can figure it out who knows like that's not how it works and if if you want to start your sexual career off that's not the way to do it yeah so if you if you are interested in this person and you you do want to have sex with them and you want this to be the person that you lose your virginity to great cool but remember that like you're that that sex requires two people yep uh and you're a participant in that thing and there's another human being on the other

side of thing that requires your care and empathy and attention so also like out you helping him out is helping it's giving you care empathy and attention too because you also deserve to have a dick going to you properly like yeah you know what i mean like if that's what you want help yourself out i'm a little nervous that he was doing ass cheek i would love to know was he actually about to like put it in or was it like was he just like grinding grinding or like just i have no idea but it clearly this person doesn't either so and i will say for those of you who haven't had sex and and are nervous about that first insertion it's lower than you think it's like if you're gonna have sex

also like take your time yeah be communicative and like make sure you have protection get some lube you know what i mean like these are all gonna help your hands and nose first right don't just be like oh dick in yeah there's time and place for those kind of things but i feel like once again like it is never the first time the first time you're having sex it should be the exploratory getting to know you, learning. It's a learning experience. So use your hands, kind of like finger her for a bit. That way you're like, oh, hey, there it is. One.

There it is. Two. Hopefully you'll get them wet. Yeah. Yeah. All right. This is by Radiant Device 502. Asking the cute cashier out what to write on the note.

And this is the start of a trend for at least part of the episode. Okay. He's the cashier of my local art supply store. I've been a regular customer for over a year. He probably knows I like him. I'm always tomato red. I don't want to embarrass him at his workplace. So I'm thinking of just giving him a note to ask him out.

What should I write? Is this good? Hey, can I take you out for coffee? Question mark. Smiley face. My Insta is X. Okay. Yes.

Yeah. And that's the end. And that's the end. It looks like you wanted me to fill in the blank of what the yeah guess guess their fucking let's talk well yeah i was gonna say reading it but they don't have it yeah i mean i was like here's the thing you have to be prepared and ready to never go back to the shop again if this is your move if this is what you you have to be ready to either deal with rejection very cool like you have to be ready to never hear from this guy again and for it to be maybe a little awkward the next time you're in or you have a backup art supply store that you are going to go to because one you can't unring this bell and wire as this guy might

be very cool it might be very flattering but he might have a girlfriend or or like a partner or you know whatever interested or not interested or you know there's any number of reasons why or straight yeah he might not be interested in you and hopefully he is like fine with it and doesn't get offended and isn't shitty about it yeah um but you don't know that and also you need to know like going in being like the constant reminder of being like this guy doesn't want to date me for whatever reason is it's a tough pill to swallow so you need to be if you're getting this embarrassed just like interacting with him in a year yeah in a normal everyday situation.

Essentially scripted situation where you just go, hi, I want this paint. He goes, it's the amount of money you see on the paint. Here's the amount of money on the paint that you just said to me. He goes, thank you. Have a good day.

If you can't handle that. I think you're lying to yourself a little bit about the note i don't think it's so he's not embarrassed i think it's because you're embarrassed i i appreciate because i also like we talk about it as well where you never want to put them in a position where yeah they have to right like i think i think you're right i think it's a twofold thing i think you are i imagine this person is conscious of being like trapping someone being like hey do you want to go for a coffee is a shit move to do to someone at work because they they can't leave right so they either have to be like no which is awkward or sure and then like

either they might actually want to do it or they might just be like maybe yeah right like well for sure you got your work clothes on literally and metaphorically yeah so uh so it's like you're but yes i i think there's also i i like this approach i'm not crazy about hitting on people that work regardless yeah yeah um but i mean sometimes you gotta shoot your shot and i think this is the least offensive or off-putting way to do it. Of just being like, you know, once you get your purchase, you get your receipt, you go over to the counter. Hopefully there's a place to like, right. And just be like, I think you got to have it written.

Oh, really? You got to have it written. I know. I think that shows. Thank you so much. And then you hand it. That's premeditated. That's fine.

Because, you know, you've seen this guy a bunch of times, right? Yeah. The thing is, if this was your first time and you just have one in your backpack and you slide over looks like you just do it to everybody it's like that one guy who had the like his self-tender yeah thing that's creepy but if you know him it's like oh i'm shy whatever if you're like hold on and then you write it there i think that's so so awkward. No, I like that. I would love that. No, no. Here's the thing. It's like if I have a regular at my bar who has come in over the course of years, several times, and she pulls a note that she's already written out here.

I think that's weird. But if they write it there, it's way more normal because it's a bar that you'd actually be sitting at yeah whereas like if you're just up at the cashier like hold on like what do you there's probably not room you can probably see like hopefully that's what i'm saying it's like hopefully there's like an off there's so much you gotta pre-write it you gotta pre-write it you gotta i don't think it's a bad idea if it's pre-written but i personally i think it would be really hot and i think it's a shot of confidence of being like it seems more spur of the moment and it seems more the thing is

impulsive you also need to like you need to have that chat then i don't think you can be like oh do you have a pen and you write it and just like hand it to them like wordlessly you know what i mean you're doing the same thing yes that's which is fine i think it's fine if you just come in and you do the thing you're like oh this for you but if you're like oh it's so weird if you're just like oh that's weird if you're like give me the paper and then you're this is like that's weird i feel like if you're doing it in front of them you need the explanation and at that point you may as well just be like hey what explanation i'm sorry hold on i'm just standing here holding up the line no you don't do it you it. You go off to the side. There's no room. You don't know that.

I do. I've been to so many art supply stores. The one in the Curry's. None. On Queen Street. No room. There's a whole long counter. Yeah, but there's so many other people writing notes. This guy is just so fucking hot. Honestly, I think it's weirder if you write it there. I think this is one of the rare occurrences where we're

going to disagree. Yeah, that's fine. And I think you need to look inside yourself and be like look, do i want to embarrass myself further or do you want to do it really cool and do what i say uh yeah i don't know it's i think now what do you think about the instagram i was going to be like we'll give you a number but like everyone everyone uses instagram yeah i don't think it matters i think that is the modern day equivalent i feel like the likelihood of them not having instagram as an artist yeah and also i think it's a great way to he can scope you out a bit true yeah right because i don't know like changes are number you got nothing yeah exactly so at least now he can go on and be like oh yeah you are a babe when they're not tomato red they're're kind of cute. Yes, exactly. Right.

Presumably you've got like, and like maybe your arts on there, you, there's a little bit more personality. He can glean out of your Instagram. Yeah. Uh, then you being nervous, but he's already going to know a lot about your personality based on whether

you wrote the note at home or whether you held up the whole line. You're not holding up the line. She clearly is. Yeah. I think you, in terms of where or when to write the note, I think that has to be a you call and what you're most comfortable with.

And if you feel confident doing it at the store, do it at the store. If you feel like that's the wrong play, you know what I mean? You have to, I think it's completely up to you. As you see, I would rather do it at the store

and I would rather someone do it at the store if I was the one to receive the note, which I think is a good indication of like like it's a 50 50 shot of. Yeah, honestly, like I don't think it's going to make too much of a difference. It's not going to be the the break or make. No, I will say if your plan is to hold up the line, absolutely. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're going to make it really weird like that.

But and I also think if you've only met this person once and you just slip them a pre-written note that's going to be really weird which i don't think is the case yeah i know i'm just saying i'm covering like further yes i think this only really works like the pre-written only works if like you do have there's a bit of banter yeah you've met this person like a bunch of times so it's not just like wait what the fuck who is that person how do they like why do you have just a written note just in case you run into someone cute but even then i feel like if you just write it and hands them you still there needs to be an explanation anyway next question i have a weird question this is from a lorry now are you saying it's weird or are they no this is the the name of

the question that they've given me uh they're a 41 year old female. So I feel stupid asking this yet. Here I am. I recently had discussion with an old hookup from many, many years ago. He has had some, or he's made some claims and I'm now super confused. So here I am asking a question. What a weird way to start.

How common is it for a vagina to push a penis out during sex? I've never been with a man where this hasn't happened he said guy says it isn't the norm and i guess i don't believe him is it the norm i wouldn't say it's the norm has it happened for sure honestly like the we talked about it i think last episode or on the patreon episode i don't remember which one at some point at some point where we were talking talking about how normal doesn't exist. There isn't a norm when it comes to most things in terms of interpersonal relationships. Yeah.

The only thing I can gauge it on is my experience, in which case, yes, it does happen. But does it happen every time with every person? No. Yes. And sometimes it's like, if you're pulling out and going back in and they do that big vagina clamp. And yeah, maybe you might get pushed out if you're at the thing. But if you're like pulling out and going back in and they you know do that big vagina clamp and yeah maybe you might like get pushed out if you're like at the thing but if you're like fully

in that's not gonna happen yeah and also like depending on the position yeah during orgasm the the pelvic floor flexes and moves so like especially if they if they're a squirter you're gonna get like i find that like nine times out of ten if a woman is a squirter there is a bit of resistance during orgasm that like sure you you got a little less space so you do kind of naturally get pushed out i find in doggy style it's also a pretty common thing yeah to happen i don't really know if i felt it a whole lot in like missionary missionary or even like no riding it's definitely happened where like sometimes like on the way up they've had a little bit of resistance coming down, which is why we always tell you to ride carefully. Yeah, be careful.

Be careful. And even I've been with some people who had that powerful push upon occasion, but not all the time either. Yeah. So I don't know. I feel like it can happen. It cannot happen. I don't understand why you didn't just look it up. I also don't know.

Or why it matters. Why does it matter yeah right like it's it's not like like if you've had all this sex and like i think they say that it always happens right yeah yes it's like well then that just probably means your vagina does it yeah that's fine well like was this guy complaining yeah like i that seems like a him problem or is it an insecurity thing where someone was like oh that doesn't like it's kind of a, that doesn't like, it's kind of a, like it doesn't happen all the time. And you're like, well,

am I broken or whatever? It's like, no, it doesn't fucking matter. Maybe he felt insecure and was like, I just want you to know that doesn't always happen. Yeah. Or like,

or he was just like, you guys were just casually chatting about sex and, and it came up and he was like, oh yeah, no, it's like powerful walls. Yeah. So it's like,

I don't fucking stress out about it yeah and i guess hopefully us reassuring you that it happens is what you needed to hear because like you know it seems like you're worried don't be worried it's fine it's fine you're good it's like the same way of like every now and then if like if i'm particularly horny or like sex is particularly good it's like i throb a bit right like there's there's that like pulsing of of getting even harder than sort of you were for sure and it's like that doesn't happen every time no and i'm not concerned like and it doesn't necessarily mean i'm more or less attracted or no it's just but it's just like there are just times where like fit like i'm

the perfect storm of chemicals in my brain and body have done this and i don't know why who knows why that's just kind of how it works but you're fine you're fine you're fine don't worry about it uh this is windy cd return okay a girl at my bank wrote her name and number on my bank receipt read the description but would this be a good response i thought about texting her but i thought it'd be kind of suave to go back to the bank and act like i didn't get the sticky note she stuck to their seat and then reach her a piece of paper that looks like a check which is why i dropped off before and write movie saturday rather than just text i think it'd be a little cuter of a way to ask her out yes it was her name and number in a flirty way she wrote on a sticky note and

attached to the receipt which would have no reason to have her name and number attached to it banked there for years and they never do that because if you needed them you'd just call the bank lol look do i think that this is a cute idea sure do i think it's a cute idea at a bank to hand the teller a handwritten note it's exactly i think this is a bad play of being like here it is like slide it over and she looks down and she opens it up and she looks up at you like that's not good make it more cute like have your phone in your pocket like you're gonna text her yeah have it like sticking you know out so she can see the phone when you're ready to text and that makes it funnier because it's like you're about to text maybe bring like three or four of your friends yeah but like you don't want to detract from your attractiveness.

So I have them like cover their faces. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool. Face masks are the norm. Now there's a, you know,

there's a resurgent of COVID coming around. You want to be safe. So all four of you should probably maybe mask up. Yeah. Actually you're right. Yeah. And the thing is like, I've been reading a lot of stuff about healthcare and it's like,

you know, you don't want UV in your eyes. So wear wear like glasses cover the whole fucking thing up maybe gloves just gloves for sure don't want to touch your eyes or your mouth don't want to bank bank money is one of the dirtiest it's one of the dirtiest things right and also while you're there maybe do a withdrawal get a big sack definitely yeah i think maybe all your friends can do it while you're there you may as well withdraw well i, the nice thing is like, like I find working out with friends. So like, if you all have your gym bags to get,

you know what I mean? Like make it, make it worthwhile. Right. If you're getting all your boys, it might be stinky. So leave that at the gym, bring the empty bags.

Yes. Just cause you leave your bag at the gym. Obviously. Um, maybe have one guy carry all of the equipment, like all of your gym stuff in one bag right so like he's got a big bag full of stuff yeah uh and then chain the door shut so that there isn't a lineup because if there's a lineup she might get stressed exactly so i mean maybe chain is like

maybe just have one guy standing at the door you know what i mean like waiting at the door around into the roof and he says nobody move and the thing is like women love humor so i think like look this is suave this is obviously the best way to go forward right um you need to write like a joke obviously something that like is funny in context but you don't mean seriously like don't scream or don't call the police or like give me all the money this isn't a hold up yeah uh maybe look at your dick and say this is a stick up oh and like then you're getting sexy right yeah you're letting her know your penis will become erect yeah if the two of you are alone in a way that is sexual although i feel like that might be a little too on the nose maybe just like like sort of gestured downward and say i've got a lethal weapon oh true

yeah yeah yeah and i i might use it on you yeah hey do you want me to use this on you want me hey if you it's up to you hey this is in your hands if this is gonna get used on you or not yeah this is on you fill the bag with your number again because i so this is the equivalent i'm i'm gonna put a number on this piece of paper i'm gonna slide it over to you this is this is the equivalent of like you know the girl in your class or like let's say you propose to someone and they like look at your ring and they walk off and you don't hear from them and you're like what what happened what went wrong and a week later they're like no i'm gonna propose to you like you she wants to go out just fucking text her yeah like yeah it's not like damn she did a cool thing i want to do a cooler thing and make her wait and be sad and weird and then go in hoping she's there and then like you know reverse what she did to and also like just text her banks suck yeah so i would hate to like be waiting in a line

at a bank and like there's always a line at the bank no matter when you go or what you're doing so you're waiting in line for however long, just staring at her. And she's like, ah, this fucking asshole. Never, like never responded back to my text. You get there.

And then you're like, here's here. I am doing nothing but responding to something. I could have just texted. I've made your work day. We know there's all these people you want to talk about holding up a line. Exactly. This motherfucker is holding up.

Well, I'll do what Dane wants and make sure you write it down at the top of the queue well it could if he if he had done it when he got that number if he had just been like you know then been like well yeah or if he just and also that's not a good way to respond because one she doesn't have your number right yeah so unless you're gonna also put your number on the thing but two it's like that's a discussion just make sure that you use commas instead of dashes for your phone number so it looks like a you know it looks like a oh yeah like yeah imagine you gave the number she's like i'm sorry

just fills the bag 647 million um just fucking text her because again this is a discussion if she doesn't want to go to the movie does she now have to have the onus of texting you and be like, no? No, no, no. Not texting. She still doesn't have your number. You have to wait until the next time you come in. To cash a check.

Yeah. Check that, yeah, she then has the bonus ticket. Yeah, just like... You're ruining this so much. When someone makes a move, unless your cool, neat move can happen almost immediately yes then like just you know you got you get into your car you look at your receipt you're like oh she gave me her number hell yeah you know maybe play it a little cool and like don't text immediately

but i would say by the end of the day for sure and that's it yeah that's it she did the cool thing reward her for that don't be like well i got i want to do a cool thing and she needs to suffer for that to happen um and like you can playfully like make make a you could find a playfully hold her up in other ways yeah you could pretend to carjack her it'll be the same same thing. Yeah, wait for her. No. Yeah, you're fine. No, you're not fine because you're considering this. Don't do this.

True, yes. Don't do it. This is emotional ease. I, a 20-year-old female, are scared to sit on his face. Hey, everyone. I've been seeing a guy for a couple months now, and it's been fun. We've been experimenting and exploring more than I have on the past. We were talking the other night about things we want to do,

and he wants me to sit on his face. We tried it, but I couldn't for very long. As I was scared I was actually going to hurt him. Any advice for us to ease into it? So you don't literally sit on his face? Yes. I cannot express that more than... I think I'm just going to say it a bunch of times. Yeah.

You don't literally sit on his face. Don't sit on her face. Or his face. Or her face. Don't sit on anybody's face i mean like there is a term there is a fetish of like you know the sure you know sitting and there's i think it's also a meme of of like the idea so i feel like you're probably thinking of like the joke of having you know being smothered like by all means i know there are people who it's sort of like the same thing as like choking or asphyxiation play meaning you should go into it with the knowledge and preparation and safety of if that's what you want to do and if it is just

the conventional sitting on their face it's it's a you're on top but you're not like you're still controlled you're easing yourself down to a point where he can get at you and you can be gotten at. And it's like the hotness is in the position and not in the fact that you're just like, I did it. Position and act is, is what sort of like is the sexy thing about this.

And there are ways to really simulate a tighter seal, I guess. And that's like, you know, try to, if, if your body allows it to keep your legs close so the thighs are against like cheeks inside um but yeah what you want to modulate

pressure as well you can sit down more or ease off that's that's that's the joy of it as part of the control aspect yeah which is why you don't just fucking sit on a face yes um i would say come up with some sort of signal. If he is starting to feel discomfort, it can be difficult. If, if he's got a face full of vagina to, you know,

maybe two taps or air horn, a note that is multipurpose. You can also hand to the bank teller that says, yeah, so stick up. Also a good thing to do to start. If you're, if you're getting used to how to

do this, do it again so you can put your hands on the wall so you have something to steady yourself a little bit. A headboard will also work. Anything that you can use as stability so that you can control yourself a little bit more in terms of lowering and raising and pressure and all that kind of stuff.

And you don't unbalance. Is that another bank joke? Nope. Okay. That could be. Hey. Hey. Much like going to a bank, you got to make sure your balance is doing all right.

Is doing okay. So don't sit on his, like, don't actually sit on his face. You're not like, don't treat his face like a chair. No. Unless. Unless it's what he wants, but you got to ease into it. Yeah. And like, definitely communicate and be like, okay, how much pressure are you looking for?

How will I know if it's too much? Is it, is this just a meat, a fun way to go down on me? Yes. Or do you actually want deprivation of breath? Like, is that what you're looking for?

Because that's a conversation we need to be very concise about. Yes. Do you want a super short one or let's do a super short one. Super short one. Okay, this is by Gamma Girl. So the guy I like calls me bro. Hell yeah. All of a sudden he started calling me bro. Is he trying to friend zone me? He is super nice to me all the

time. We hang out a lot, but this thing of him calling me bro, I just can't. What does it mean, guys? It could be the fact that he's not interested in you. It might just be his vernacular. It could be that he's not interested in you it might just be his vernacular it could be that he's very into you and is super casual around you yeah there's a there's it i don't think it has an implicit meaning no and i think any sort of implicit meaning that you're putting on it is

completely in your head yes and like and trying to it's the same way it's like one of the ever since i started doing this show and to be fair it's the same way it's like one of the ever since i started doing this show and to be fair it's happened before but it's it's certainly gotten worse since the show and everything is people coming up to me uh particularly women being like my boyfriend or this guy that i like or this guy i matched on tinder said this what does it mean yeah i was like hey listen i have no idea anything about this person. I have no context in which this is said. I don't know your past history with this person.

I don't know what you said or what was said. So it's like, I don't know. And, and trying to glean a full meaningful explanation of what one word or one line or a sentence could mean out of contextless like void of just existence yeah it's impossible and trying to do it is stupid yeah and you say you have you like him or you have a crush on him have you pursued it exactly does it does he know does

he know maybe he thinks your friend's owning him. You know what I mean? Maybe he hasn't thought about it all. Maybe he fancies the fuck out of you and just says, bro, like there is no meaning to be taken out of this. And there's no point in guessing. You need to just be clear about what you want. And if he says no, great. And if he says yes, great. Yeah. That's the thing.

It's like, I feel like everyone gets hooked on like secret meanings. Is there a pattern in a puzzle? I can figure it out. And it's like i feel like everyone gets hooked on like secret meanings secret meaning is there a pattern and a puzzle i can figure it out and it's like sure it would be nice to know how someone feels so safely that you just post one word they said online and i go oh yeah he likes you great that would be easy for you but that's not realistic yeah and i think people use it also fuck easy fuck it great i mean it can't things can be easy if people are fuck easy no i mean in this case it's like part of the fun of when you're like starting a thing do they or don't they yeah whatever it's like i understand yes exactly i understand it's scary but like take a fucking chance say you like this dude to this dude

and either way it's gonna work out because one you'll have an answer and like yeah you'll feel better because you won't be like he said bro to reddit we go yeah or just yeah or being like and talking yourself out of it because it's unclear there isn't like a full 100 go ahead there's rarely gonna be that the amount of times i miss when i have advantage and a 98% chance to hit Baldur's Gate is stupid. There's no reason I should, but I do every now and then. But a lot of the times,

I do a shit ton of damage. Thank you, Asterion. Thank you, Asterion. We lost them. I'm just thinking about fucking Baldur's Gate again. We could be playing that right now, but we're here. We're here doing this for you. I made a big fucking Instagram post

the other day about like one of the big lessons I've learned from this year. And it is very much of like, give yourself a fighting chance and whatever that means to you, do it. Like if it means, if it means you have to lock

the door of the bank just to get some special alone time with the teller as you slip her a note yeah if you have to take a hostage to give yourself a chance to get out of the situation you've gotten yourself in do it um no it like like take a chance right because it's it's more than likely going to be worth it to shoot your shot or, you know, start drawing again or, you know, like anything.

I literally mean anything. Give yourself a fighting chance on whatever you want to do. And if it doesn't work out, that's fine. Because I feel like living in a like tepid safe, nothing ever changes. This is like, you know,

uh, uh, what's the static life. And the thing is like, this is the kind of static that sucks because you're like, is it bro? Is it this? Is it like you're,

you're suffering constantly. So it's like, just fucking get out there. And the best case, this works out and you get to fucking smooch this beautiful man you like worst case which is still good he says no you know you move on and be happy and be fine and now you're not fucking spiraling about the fact that he says bro exactly right like it's a win-win even if you lose yes and like that's like my whole thing was like i

would rather have to deal with disappointment or heartbreak or whatever, then deal with what ifs. Yeah. Right. Like I think what ifs are, what ifs suck? They, they're actually really,

they're taxing. They're scarier than disappointment to me in my life now. And I think it took a lot of fucking work and a lot of effort and a lot of leaps of faith to get to this point. And I, I now see like, I'm on the other side of the fence now being like, fucking work and a lot of effort and a lot of leaps of faith to get to this point and i i now see like i'm on the other side of the fence now being like this this is a more enjoyable way to live than to sit and be like well i could do that but if it fails here's what could happen because like great if i don't do anything then it's still like i'm still living that truth you know i mean like

not taking a risk is the same thing as failing at a thing in my opinion because you've haven't achieved what you want for sure it's like it's like hoping you're gonna win the lotto but never buying a ticket right and i'm not saying anything about the lotto or that you should buy a lot of ticket but i'm saying like it can't win if you don't. Exactly. Yeah. Right. Audacious, fortunes, juvent. Yes. Greek. Fortune favors the bold. Actually, it's Latin.

Oops. Uh-oh. Oops. The old language heads are coming for you. That's true. Fortune favors the bold. Give it a shot. Yeah.

You ready? Yep. Okay. Okay. At the end of, we're doing Tinder, yes? We are. Yeah. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating platforms. This is Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge.

Look through the profile. See what works. See what doesn't work. in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Hi, this is Julie. Before you ask me on a date, just know I'll only agree to lunch or dinner depending on my schedule, and you will have to provide the following first. $50 for gas. I refuse to ride with you in case I want to leave. $75 to $100 for a babysitter, or you could pay for two more meals 100 for a sheen hall or shine s-h-e-i-n whatever i need to be able to try on a few options for our date 100 for my toes no need

to worry about my nails since i don't get them done anyways how kind yes you will be paying for the whole date no i won't be sleeping with you and the second date will depend on how well you tip our server if this is too much no i'm not for you i live my life like this already and if you can't then please leave me alone ladies am i missing anything else do you have a can you give me a running total of how much this date costs just to like get her to agree on a date uh 350 to 325 okay that's and that's sorry that's before you pay for the date yes Yes. For the day, which I imagine if they're probably going to want a, I'm guessing like a 200 to $300 meal as well.

Just, just $20. Just McDonald's. Yeah. You know, you've already bought her a new outfit and a hundred dollars on toes, which is yeah. Multiple new outfits.

It's wild that the clothes cost as much as the toes, but Hey, it's, I mean, obviously bad. You know what? I like the tip your server one part though. That's, new outfits it's wild that the clothes cost as much as the toes but hey it's i mean obviously bad you know what i like the tip your server one part though that's hey it's like oh there's a glimmer of hope in there yeah that's it i everything else is quite awful but here's the thing i think this sets up misery exactly who this person is yeah right so in terms of like i don't know if like these are necessarily like they are red flags for me because i would never do this but if you want to

do this then you know like it's it's all laid out i don't know i'm trying to no this is bad i'm giving it a two it's bad yes it's a two right people aren't in charge of paying for your babysitter like if you want a date then you have the onus of yeah of taking care of these things by yourself if you want to get your nails done get your fucking nails done it's not my fucking job like to me it's super gross to be like oh you have to pay like again 350 dollars just to get me to go out for a dinner you You'll also have to pay for. Yeah. Like, because I mean,

like at the end of the day, like you could get a professional sex worker for that price. Sure. Or you can have sex half a PlayStation five. Yeah. And it's going to be a lot more fun, a lot more fun. Uh,

this is Ruby, a 37 year old. I'm almost always up for an adventure, but also love staying in for a good binge watch my ideal guy is a semi-active foodie who enjoys traveling let's go to the gym together then grab tacos and spicy margaritas sounds great i like this i'm giving the uh eight it's a very simple profile but it and it's funny how you can do a lot with simple because the amount of information given here if worded differently or in a different profile would be kind of bland,

but like they, they, it springs through. Yeah. It's funny where you can do it. Not a lot. Yes, I agree.

I think this is exactly what I would like. And when I'm busy and swiping that, that gives me enough that I can feel good about saying yes. For sure. Yeah. I like this really at the end of the day, all I want. Uh like this person. Really, at the end of the day, all I want. This is Nameless.

They work as the fifth horsewoman of the apocalypse at literal hell. About me. The blue haired leftist Joe Rogan warned you about. Angry face. I love comfortable silences. Fingerless gloves with the optional mitten cover. My cat. Movies with an ambivalent emotional resolution.

Lamo tree gene, and taking eight to 127 business days to reply to texts. All of my optimal executive function is spent at work. So I hope you enjoy napping for hours in your underwear and getting high as a coping mechanism. Most weekends XO emotionally unavailable until the psychiatrist and I figure out why I'm like this. I was,

I was vibing with you until the end there. Again, I am fine with you dealing with your stuff i'm not i there's a bit of an ick for me when you use your mental health as a punchline yeah right like because that like all you have to say is like not looking for something serious or. Yeah. I honestly, I, this one's kind of funny to me. It does feel like.

And this is, this is a personal ache for me. No, I agree. I know so many of them. I do despise. Yeah. This one,

I think they've done it in a good enough way. There's enough humor and tongue in cheek and sort of like, and the rest of it fits that tone. So it, it, it's not too bad for me yeah i'm still giving this a higher rating i'm still gonna give it like a seven i think if you found a way i like i said like i think there's so much mental health stigma uh that i would i never want to

phrase pursuing your mental health as a like as a punchline i just it's just something for me personally yeah so that's why i'm bumping it down uh if you found a better way to sort of let people know that you're not looking to get into something serious i'm sure you seem funny and clever enough that i'm sure you could come up with another way to do it without uh doing the mental health yeah it's definitely my least favorite part although i will say like getting high as a coping coping mechanism and like all my optimal executive function spent at work like it's funny but it's also kind of sad yeah so i'm like it's it's very tongue-in-cheek yeah yeah but like that with the next part it's like there is a it makes me nervous it does it makes

me feel like you're joking not joking about not having your shit together at all and like that's kind of a bummer yeah so but i'll give it a seven because i will say comfortable silences fingerless gloves with the optional mitten cover like these are all beautiful little snapshots what we talk about exactly specificity that could be i like i like peace and quiet and fashion. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Or like weird fashion. It's like, cool. Now I know. So yeah, I'm giving it a seven as well. That's going to do it for this episode. Friends. Thank you very much for hanging out with us. As we mentioned earlier, we have another show coming up in October, which I believe it will

be when this comes out. October 26, Thursday, black sheep in Toronto. Tickets are $10. Uh, we will have a link on our social media somewhere. Uh, and maybe I'll put it in the episode description for this one as well. And Hey,

if you need, if it's not anywhere for some reason, just message us. Yeah. Go on Instagram, go on, come into our bank and slide us a piece of paper saying show where. And we'll put our show in the bag for you and your bevy of boys with ski masks on.

Yeah. So do that, please. We'd love to see you there. And if you have friends who might be interested in going to a show, if you can't make it, but you know someone who might be looking for a fun date spot or a fun like girls night out or fun boys night or just like fun boys and girls yeah or fun everybody everybody anything in between and outside of those gender binaries just fucking everybody everybody out everybody everybody last time i played a lot of pitbull you didn't did scare our earliest guests by playing a lot of

pitbull and i don't regret it and it might be the new thing that i do hey they ended up being very awesome so we're great scare them off thank you josh eagle and harvard cities for their song paper stars are you ready for some bad sex writing i would love for you to do that i want to visually witness you get comfortable this is gonna be nice audio of the chair the very squeaky chair that i've been trying to sit quietly in hell yeah okay uh this is i believe a a comment on uh instagram as a successful male that's 59 years old now i found that if you treat a woman like a child and call her your helper not your partner because she is not equal to you i tell her what to do and when to do it and i love and reward her for punish for positive things and punish her for bad or unsubmissive behavior.

We get along wonderful and love each other dearly. She gets all her needs and wants meat. On the other hand, I have treated women like eagles in the past, and they lose respect for you. And eventually you will find you can't stand their attitude, flirting with other males, and generally bad behavior that keeps getting worse. You must have your own house, land, equipment. She will come into the picture after you own this stuff. Never marry her. And make it known that bad behavior will have her quickly kicked to the streets.

And don't just threaten. Follow through swiftly and permanently. Then you will find great peace. I got it closer for audio reasons. So it's very strange to me that your idea of an ideal sexual and romantic partner is one that you can treat as a child. One that you describe as like a child. Like a child. That is upsetting.

Imagine being like, oh, hey, guys, this is my partner, like Jane. Oh, yeah, this is my helper. Yeah. Claire. This is my small child helper. This is my waif. This is my small child helper. This is my waif. This is my ward. And

go get us some beers, you. It fucking sucks. It's so bad. I wonder why people don't respect this man. It must be because he didn't treat them like children and not just that he sucks. Yeah, it's bad and I don't like it and I don't like you. I think you suck actually. Yeah. My name is Dave Dave Miller and I'm Niles Payne

and we've been your fuck buddies