F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 268 - Big Balls, Even Larger Boxes

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

Every now and then Dain tries to say something profound but Niall's childish mind gets in the way and ruins everything.  Topics include UTI break-up, sex after death, first date roast beef, the mysterious bump, back peddling on exclusivity. Support the show on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in I love you Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Mal Spain, and we're your fuck buddies. We are a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions either from our wonderful listeners or online and we answer them right here, right now. And this week we're going to talk about getting dumped and UTIs. Dead husbands. And first dates at Arby's.

I was worried. I didn't want to be too crass about it because it is kind of a sad question, but... We'll find out later, won't we, Dane? Yeah. Well, we usually do record two episodes at the end of the month for Patreon. We usually do a normal episode and then we record a Patreon episode. So it's rare that people hear the the wild yeah the more unhinged yeah yeah yeah usually this is behind the paywall of patreon so you guys are gonna get a special

rare treat of a double dose episode where niall and i've already recorded an episode today and now we're we got a beer yeah we got a beer cheers i'm gonna drink it right now cheers cheers yeah we can't drink at the same time because then it's just slurping sounds, which I'm sure nobody wants to hear. So I hope you're ready for a little taste, a little amuse-bouche. A little peek behind the red carpet. Nope. The red.

The red. In order to get. What's the thing? The curtain? The velvet rope? The velvet rope. A peek behind the velvet rope. Because we all know ropes do obscure everything.

Yeah, that was correct. Our Patreon lounge, our exclusive, is actually hidden under the red carpet. It's a hatch in the floor. You're not allowed to tell them. That's okay. They can't see past the fucking rope. That's fair, yeah. The rope's in the way, but if you get past the rope,

which does cost one of three or four if you click the button that gets you to our joke tier, one of three to four tiers to get past the rope, and then you can see the hatch, then you get in. Our lounge is great. It's mahogany. We really can't intro the questions that we're gonna do and then talk about our fake lounge

the whole episode and miss them all. Why not? Give me one reason why I can't. I can do whatever the fuck I want. This is a free episode. People didn't pay for this one. That's fair. Now, what if we won a bunch of awards in the interim because this is going to come out in a week and a half?

Are you going to leave a spot? No. Okay, edit this out. No, leave it in. Okay. You ready for a question? Yeah. This is by Zach Flintstone.

Dumped, 26-year-old male, over text after she, 23-year-old female, got a UTI. Still have not responded to her and could use some advice. It's a tough one, I guess. I've been dating Naomi for a month, texting for hours every day. Long story short, we hung out on Thursday, texted all day Friday, turned me down to hang Saturday, unresponsive all weekend, and then she texted me late Monday night that she'd gotten a UTI after we hung out and was in pain all weekend but feeling better. In my gut, I knew something was very wrong. This isn't what I expected, and I felt horrible. Tuesday, last night, after work, I brought her some treats,

apologized, wished her a fast recovery, and then left. Both. We both had friends to meet. I wish I could have done more to comfort her if I knew what she was going through. She dumped me over text an hour later. Not feeling it romantically, I'm an amazing person, stressed at work, hope we can be friends, etc. I don't know what to say or do. I feel like a total failure, even though this was out of my control. I know I can't change her mind, but I feel so defeated. Can't help but wonder if she'd never have had doubts like this if it didn't happen. I've dated a lot the past two years. This is the first time I felt like I'd met someone like me.

Introvert, similar specific hobbies, loves to text, prioritizes fitness, etc. And is so unbelievably kind and sincere. What should I text her if I text her at all? Is he saying that UTI is the cause of the breakup? Is that what his surmising is? It does is that what his it does surmising is it does seem to be that he is surmising that that like oh we never would if she didn't have that pain and that weekend of urinary tract infection that we would still be okay i don't think that's it and i will say that perhaps the uti never existed and was a means of like giving herself a weekend away, like a free weekend away to sort of like reevaluate and be like, am I into this?

Is this a relationship I want to do? And was like, you know, and then you showed up and did a very nice thing and was like, hey, here's all this stuff. And she was like, oh, I got to do it. I got to pull that bandaid off because he is a very nice guy and like it sucks to be dumped over text but we can all agree not the best way to do it but it is what it is it wasn't a malicious breakup it doesn't seem like it's i think what happened was like she was starting to have doubts does it say how long they were dating a month yeah right like i think she was being polite a month isn't really long enough To be required to do any sort of, like

Large breakup thing I think a text Because, like, I don't know if they were exclusive Or if they had just, like, started seeing each other for a month Because if you guys have just been hanging out for a month I think what you got was Best case scenario Yeah, I think, like, if you date someone

After, like, for seven years And don't buy text, you're a piece of shit. Unless there's extenuating circumstances, that's the one. But after a month, what do you expect? You know? So that's whatever. Is the UTI to blame? I very much doubt it. Unless she thinks bad hygiene on your behalf caused it or something. Yeah, like, unless she's blaming you for the UTI, which it doesn't seem like. Unless she thinks bad hygiene on your behalf caused it or something.

Yeah. Like, unless she's blaming you for the UTI, which it doesn't seem like, cause like, it wouldn't be like, I don't think the breakup message, like if she's going to go to that extreme, I don't think the breakup message would have been like,

you're great. You're a cool guy. I think the world of you, it's just not, you know, we don't romantically click. I hope we can still be friends. It would be like next time.

Wash the Dorito crumbs off your fucking fingers. You scroll. Okay. I thought we can still be friends. It would be like next time wash the Dorito crumbs off your fucking fingers. You screw up. Okay, I thought you were going somewhere else. I thought the Dorito crumbs were elsewhere. Well, where do you think he put his fingers? In his, on his dick? Because I thought you were going to say that the Dorito crumbs, I thought his dick was crusted in Doritos. Oh, no.

That's the Cheetos powder. Well, no. Little Dorito fun fact here. Did you know that the powder Oh, that's the Cheetos powder. No. Little Dorito fun fact here. Did you know that the powder on the Dorito originally had no flavor? Whoa. It was actually the chip that had all the delicious nacho cheese flavor. But the guy who created Doritos or runs the companies or whatever was like, no, we need that powder. Because originally it had the powder on it and they were like, this sucks.

Get rid of the powder. It's too messy. And then the CEO, Mr. Doritos himself was like, you put that powder right back. Dave Orito? Yeah. He was like, you put that powder back on the fucking Dorito. It's part of the experience. I hate the powder.

And that's why we have, well, you can thank Mr. Dorito. That's why this poor woman got her UTI. It's gotta be. So, what does he text? I think you're gracious, right? Like, she was, again, one month is nothing. It's a drop in the bucket. Again, unless

you had, like, been seeing each other for, like, a year and then decided to become exclusive and you were exclusive for a month, maybe you could've... You deserve maybe a little bit more. Yeah. But if, like, seeing each other for like a year and then decided to become exclusive and you were exclusive for a month maybe you could have you deserve maybe a little bit more yeah but if like if literally it's like you met her a month ago and you've been seeing each other and that was it i think you just say hey no worries thank you for being up front and honest with me i wish you the best as well you don't have to be friends with her you don't have to say anything else but like i think a moment of being gracious one you get to keep your reputation of being a nice dude right like you're a nice guy she recognizes that you know she did nothing wrong you did nothing wrong it just didn't work

and sometimes that happens and i think just being gracious and being like that's fine thank you for letting me know i wish you the best i so the thing is, you're right. She's not wrong. He's not wrong. I think you are wrong, though. I'm wrong. Oh, you're so wrong. I think you just text this. It was the UTI, wasn't it?

Right? Like, full stop, accusatory, angry, no emojis. And then you block her on everything. I think you go one step forward you say who's the guy that gave you the uti oh is that why you're breaking up with me because of the old dirty dick dave over there you say you didn't realize but i licked my fingers before they went in so there were no dorito crumbs so whose crumbs did you? How did you get Dorito crumbs in your vagina then, Naomi? Naomi, this was actually colored sand, the magnetic kind.

Just look like Dorito. No, Dane is completely right. The best thing is you answer your own question at the start of the second or the last paragraph. You say, I know I can't change her mind. So there's that option is gone. So you have three remaining options. That'd be a dick, which we don't recommend. Don't text her, which I don't recommend. Or say, oh, you know what? No worries. You're awesome. I had a really good time. Best of luck. I want my treats back though.

I want my treats back. You milked that long enough to get treats from me And I think that's unfair Yeah man like Imagine you make this lie and then you get treats out of it Oof That person I think that's what happened I think she gets this delicious loving care package From this guy and she's like Oh man I fucked up I gotta end this

Yeah I think that's what happened That's my detective skills Just That's what I think. Just be gracious. This is Landis Lit. I tried to have casual sex months after my late partner passed away. Couldn't continue on. Tried

to have a casual hookup with an old flame because I didn't want to attempt sex from a random man. Thought I was ready to get back out there. Yeah. I was not ready. Literally a minute. Yeah, I was not ready. Literally a minute during penetration, I started full-on sobbing. The guy immediately stopped and held me close. I was just crying hysterically how much I missed my late partner,

apologizing profusely for ruining the night and just couldn't stop the tears. I think the sex lasted for a total of five minutes. He stayed by my side until morning's first light and left me without saying goodbye. I'm sure he didn't want to wake me, but it would have been nice for him to say goodbye to me. Maybe I'm just being sensitive. My late partner is still the last man I've kissed, sexually and non-sexually. He's also the last man I've held hands with. I couldn't stop thinking about him during the moment.

It only made me miss him more. To feel his touch, hear his voice, and be against him. I'm in therapy and I thought I was ready, but I wasn't ready. I feel like I'm going to be feeling this way forever and never find another man who would love me just as much or better than he did. My sex drive is completely obliterated and I have no desire to date anytime soon. I'm in therapy. It just feels like I'm going to be this way forever. Would I find love again? Be able to have to enjoy sex once more? Everything just hurts. That's rough.

Yeah. Yeah. Like that's such an understatement. That is really rough. I'm really sorry. But you know, you said months, it's not that long. And I think the very fact that you were able to go and give it a shot is a good sign of progress. But, you know, when you're in it, everything feels like it's never going to end. And then one day you look back and you're like, oh, I'm here. I think that's very important to remember, you know, like, a year ago, I broke my ankle and that fucking sucked shit. And it felt like I was never going to walk again. And it felt like blah, blah, blah. And like even seeing doctors and shit, being like, oh, yeah, you might not be able to climb again. You might not be able to do whatever. And it's like time drags. And all you can focus on is you being miserable and you being in pain. But I can climb right now. You know what I mean?

And a year feels like a very long time away. But every month felt like it was taking an eternity. And that's nothing on losing a loved one. So I think it's important just to realize that you're doing the right thing. You're in therapy. You're working towards getting better. You thought you were ready when you weren't, and that's totally okay. The very fact that you put yourself out there is admirable.

And I think that itself is progress. And you will get there. And that's all there is to say. Like you will get there. I agree with everything you said and you said it quite well. However, I feel like this question person took steps that don't make a whole lot of sense to me.

And I think there is a level of like them trying to rush them being like, I'm in therapy, so I'm ready. And it's like, I know that you so i'm ready and it's like i know that you said you felt ready and that's great you trusted your gut you were wrong that happens but yeah you say that your partner was still the last man i've kissed sexually and non-sexually so did you try to have sex without kissing this person yeah right like did you just jump right into sex because like that's to me seems like a crazy transition to be like the last person to hold me intimately is my dead partner who has really

fucked me up who i'm in therapy trying to get over and instead of sort of like starting from scratch and building intimacy like to the last slowly yeah you kind of jumped into the deep end after fucking you know impaling both of your flotation devices and telling the lifeguard to go on break right like you've set yourself up for failure like you didn't give yourself any opportunity because like i promise you what would have happened was like if you guys started making out and it started getting intimate this this would have happened most likely, right? Maybe that would have been okay, but maybe the next step would have been,

Oh, you know what? We have to leave it here instead of just jumping as Dane said, straight into the deep end headfirst. Yeah. So I think there's, you've got to take a little bit more care with yourself. And as Niall said, like understand that things,

most of the things that we go through, most of, understand that most of the things that we go through, most of the pain and most of the struggles that we go through are temporary. They're transient, right? It's the same way about our victories and the moments of elation and happiness and when we're sad and when we're angry, all those things come and go and they ebb and flow. And sometimes certain pain hangs around forever and lasts, you know, and we just learn to sort of like deal with that trauma. And I think there's a great analogy where, you know, if you think about your life as a box and your pain as a ball, it's not necessarily that the pain gets any smaller. It's that the box gets bigger, right? So you live a more life and the box of your life gets bigger. And while the pain

is still the same size, there's more room for you to processes. I think that's something really important to talk about and really important to visualize being like, great, this is right now, my life and this pain is filled. My box that is my life is filled with this pain right now. And really there isn't a whole lot of room for anything else you then you know then you go and you meet someone new and your box gets a little bigger and then you you know you go to therapy you start learning yeah i know that's i thought so hard and so long i'm sorry it's yeah it's not great it was such a beautiful like monologue and i was like i really wanted to be like yeah she got her box filled and i was like no i can't and then you said you mean new

stranger and it was just like it echoes such shitty like toxic male sentiments like you met a stranger you got your box stretched out yeah oh yeah no it is Now, I want to talk about one thing, which is that she says her sex drive is like non-existent and, you know, she has no desire to date. And I want, I would love to know if that is now or prior, because it sounds like both. And if that was the case, I don't know why she went out and tried. That's my thing. Yeah, she says my sex drive is completely obliterated yeah like we talk about this before or all the time don't do what you don't want to do right like if you don't want to fuck for two years that's fine you know i mean like i know people who break up with their partner and take a year off sex and to me that sounds insane but to them that's what they need. You know what I mean? And that's fine because you shouldn't live your life based on other people's

notions or any preconceived notions that you have. So it's like, if you need two years, take it. You jumping into bed with someone because you feel like that's what you should do is going to be the worst. You need to do it because you want to do it yeah you can absolutely find non-sexual intimacy right like there's definitely moments where like i mean every time we break up with the people like every time we break up well you know like every time we go through a breakup no i know we like get to get like the boys rally around each other each other, and it's a lot of hugging, sometimes crying, sometimes we punch a tree, sometimes we almost kill a man for making fun of our friend's pants before we realize that he's just a friend of a friend. I took you to a D&D show. Yeah. rush into as now said like either society's pressure of being like you're single now you

have to go and date blah blah blah blah or even just like an internal thing of being like i'm alone and i don't want to be alone anymore so therefore i'm going to go out and date even though i'm not ready to do it yeah finally there's another thing i really want to talk about i think this is it right like i think this is the question and it's let me see if i can find it here i feel like i'm going to be this way forever and never find another man who would love me just as much or better than he did and i think that is incredibly unfair to him to yourself and to any of your potential partners because we we're not, the way people love us and the way that we are loved

and the way that we love are not comparable to one another, right? The way I loved a past partner is very different to the way I loved another partner and the way I was loved by them and the way I'm capable of loving changes based on who I am as a person. And this has changed you.

So to think, like to hold every man to the standards of your deceased partner is wildly unfair again to everyone, because one, you're only going to remember the great things about this person, right? So you're going to idolize this person to the point of near like sainthood. And yeah.

And like unreal. Who's going to compare gonna compare yeah because if you start to feel like oh hey this person's treating me really well you're gonna start feeling like shit because all of a sudden you're replacing the person yeah who's died right so like and now you start to resent this person or yourself or you start feeling guilty don't compare this goes for people even like who are so alive like even just past partners you know i mean like people you've broken up with or who have left you to kind of like compare a partner and be like well i need to find someone who's better who's as good or better

it's such a shitty way to categorize people that you want to love. Yeah. Now I will say though, you could do this in a very positive way of being like, I'm not going to accept less than like my relationship standards in this thing. If you are with someone who treated you well, and I know it sounds like the same thing in a way, but one is just a level of like care. And one is specifics to a partner,

you know? Yeah. So it's like, yeah, don't accept less. Don't be like, oh, well my husband died. So now I have to go with this fucking piece of shit. Don't do that.

But don't, as Dane said, compare the two because that way lies madness. So I think it's similar, obviously, to a wildly heightened level to a breakup. You have time. You have a gap in your life. You have a hole in your life. You have a hole in your life. And you could fill that with self-destructive behavior, or you can fill it with stuff that's good. Obviously, one is the better option. Sometimes it's hard to choose that one, but try to take the time to, especially if you're not focusing on romantic relationships right now, because you neither

can or want to, go to the gym, take up a new hobby, spend time with your friends, slow down, build yourself back up because this kind of thing will break a person and you need to rebuild. So focus on that, keep doing your therapy, and when you're ready, give it and if you're not that's okay yeah i feel like this is one of those things where you will know i think very emphatically that you are ready i think you being like even just like starting off the question of being like you know the thought of having sex with a random person is terrible and i wanted to have sex with someone who was safe and i was like already that tells me you're you're in bad shape you're starting

off on the wrong foot if that is like your idea of being like well I'm going to go with someone safe and someone that I've probably already hooked up with and it's just like well great now you're just going through a check box and like it doesn't seem like you want to do this and the more you do things you don't

want to do you know we talk about all the time so yes now nailed it i'll keep doing your therapy slow down take your time take care of yourself invest in non-sexual non-romantic intimacy spend time with your friends spend time with your family spend time with your pets. Spend time with your pets. Whatever. You know what I mean? Like, figure out a way to rebuild your life and improve your life until, you know, that pain ball is just a small facet of what you've got. Or a smaller facet, you know? Like, none of this is easy, and we know that. But it's how you, you how you try to lessen it. So good luck.

Good luck. You got this. And now a hard right turn into proper ingenuity 2352, and guy wants to go on a first date to Arby's? Fuck yeah, let's get that roast beef. So I, 28-year-old female, met this guy, 31-year-old male, on a dating app. Everything was going great. I enjoyed talking with him and was elated when he suggested taking it off app Then he suggested meeting up at Arby's for lunch I don't know if this is very fair of me, but that suggestion kind of gives me the ick

Who eats at Arby's? Am I being unfair? Look, I remember I'd seen commercials on American TV for Arby's. And I won't lie. Those commercials make Arby's look fucking great. Like, I love me a like a deli sandwich. You know what I mean? Like, it's one of the things I love about New York is that like any like literally you could not look in a direction and not be able to walk into a get like a fucking cake ass pastrami sandwich or whatever right like there's delis and fucking bodegas everywhere

and literally everywhere has like a sandwich place built into it I get it have you ever had Arby's? I haven't no in fact it is there's probably a lot of like standard fast food places over here you'd be surprised I haven't been to

that's fair there's a lot of like I've never been to taco bell i don't think i have been either i've been to a like a joint kfc taco bell but gotten kfc that doesn't count okay just hey yeah i don't know your fucking rules i've had the hot blast oh see that is i've never had anything from Taco Bell. No, I got bottled by Hot Blast. Okay. From like a convenience store. Oh, that's fine. I don't know your rules. Did you get something at Taco Bell?

At KFC. But anyway, so I got really excited. So I was in there. I grew up in a city called Brampton and we got a fucking Arby's. And I was so fucking hype. I was like, is there still an Arby's in Brampton and we got a fucking Arby's and I was so fucking hyped I was like is there still an Arby's in Brampton I don't know I can find out but there was a very very cute lady from high school who got a job there and I was like let's go I get to go see this cutie and get to get me some but like one of these kick-ass roast beef sandwiches so i went got myself a roast beef

sandwich and it was quite literally one of the most devastating moments of my life it sucked so incredibly bad like you know how like there's always that like joke of like people posting pictures of like opening up like the bun and it's like you know there's like a little tiny patty or or like one leaf lettuce or whatever that That's literally what Arby's is. And I don't know if it's probably franchise. And I don't, you know, maybe he's making bold statements. Arby's. I got like the fucking like big stacker or whatever the fuck it was.

And there was like two pieces of meat and like a line, like a straight line of mustard. I was like, this sucks so bad. So I had it again in Toronto at a food court, and it was just as bad, if not worse. Neither big nor stackered? So look, what I'm saying to this woman, there's nothing wrong with feeling the ick of someone who wants to go to Arby's for any reason. Now, she did say who eats at Arby's, and you've just answered the question Dane Miller. Twice, and I'll never go back.

That's not true. If on the way, on a road trip, we pass an Arby's and someone's like, let's go to Arby's, I would fucking eat at Arby's. We're going to Philly very soon, and you know, I haven't been, and I'm pretty sure the other person we're going to loves Arby's, so we're going to an Arby's. so we're going to an Arby's.

And we'll report back. We'll do our little first date at Arby's. We'll find, we'll go, we'll scour the, what is it, east coast of America for an Arby's. I will take as many videos as I can. I'll video our entire

thing of being in Arby's, and I'll set it to the audio of this question. I'll video our entire thing of being in Arby's and I'll set it to the audio of this question. I'll post up on 47 minutes. Yeah, we'll have Patreon content for the month. Yeah, it'll just be us at Arby's. Yeah. Is it an ick? I don't like...

Okay, look, I always want to be on people's side when people start being like, oh, first date shouldn't be whatever, unless they're saying it shouldn't be dinner and a movie. I cannot imagine bringing anybody to a fast food chain as part of a date. Unless it's like a super

niche, like, fast food chain that's, like, in their neighborhood or by their work or really good. I still can't imagine doing it. Or if, like, yeah, like, you guys were going to a comedy show and for whatever reason it's like, fuck, neither of us had a chance to eat we're gonna be drinking like there's an a and w right here let's slam some bergs and because that's all we have time for or like you had a great date and you guys got a little fucked up you're like we need to eat and you hit

up a fast food all okay but if you're if the main event of your day is a fast food place, I think you're making a mistake. I'm not saying it can't work. I'm not saying it's a bad idea. But I think if that is your plan, I think if your move is, let's go to a fast food chain, I don't think it will be well received by anyone. And I don't think they're wrong for not receiving it well. Yeah. I think if someone was like, hey, you want to go to McDonald's? I'd be like, what do you... No. What are you fucking doing? It's rare.

Like, I don't want to go to a fast food restaurant. Ever? Like, ever. Like, there's no... I'm very rarely... The fast food that I eat is Subway and A&W when I'm drunk. Like, that's...

It's like Subway when I'm hungover, A&W when I'm drunk. That's my fast food, like, cravings. Now, I want to know, if you had to bring someone to a fast food restaurant for a first date, which one would be, in your opinion, the most acceptable?

Ooh, okay. I think it really depends on where you are, because if I had to choose, there are some fancy McDonald's. You can get some wine. There are some fancy McDonald's. You can get some wine. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, there are some fancy McDonald's, but I certainly wouldn't bring them to the one at Queen and Spadina. Well, you'll know you could survive anything together. That's true. If you want to go to what is essentially the Hunger Games of fast food restaurants. Yeah. I wish you guys, for those of you who aren't in toronto there is a mcdonald's at the intersection of queen is bedina and i can't believe that anyone working

there doesn't have military training yeah it's pretty bad but you're right there like i've seen fucking mcdonald's in france that like i'm pretty sure people were at first dates at and it was fine because they had like a bottle of wine and like there weren't sundresses and everyone was just like fancy and I'm like oh no this is not Dublin where the there are some, like, souped-up fucking McDonald's, right? Like, when they redid, like, the... God, what the fuck they call it? They did, like, a whole rebranding a while ago, and it's like, there are some nice McDonald's. Again, I'm using nice as, like, a comparative to the Play Place McDonald's that we grew up with. But if I had to choose a fast food restaurant to take... honestly, I think I would take them to A&W. Let's say Toronto, right? Because you know Toronto.

Yeah. I would do A&W. Okay. All right. Because at least their burgers are actually pretty good. The food is decent there. I sent you an image of a very fancy McDonald's in Ireland. It's in Bray, and it's in their old town hall.

It's this historic like manor kind of thing yeah i mean there's one in toronto like that too i can't remember where it is but it's like it was an old uh i think it was an old theater okay i think now i'm back in somewhere now i'll go to the theater mcdonald's i won't i won't. I feel like I would have to cheat and be like, oh, come to this like niche fucking, you know, weird takeout place. I don't know what it would be. Maybe like

fuck, what's that Filipino? Like Jollibee's? All Jollibee? Because I've never been. And I feel like if you've never been, maybe they haven't been or maybe it's new, you can like twist and be like, this is actually a good first date. You what i would do i would i would be like hey meet me at a place nearby so i wouldn't tell them where we're going i'd be like i know this really really good like filipino restaurant it's delicious i think you're really gonna like it they have like really really

good food and then you go and like, ha ha, we did it. It's Jollibee. And you know instantly, you guys who get the gel, based on whether she laughs and comes or goes. Yeah. Wait, why is she coming? Jollibee, dude.

It's true. I do want to have Jollibee, because they have... I've never... It's fried chicken and pasta. Amazing. They have spaghetti. What are you doing?

Do you want to go Jollibee after this? It's still early. Yeah, we could. There's one at chicken and pasta. Amazing. They have spaghetti. What are you doing? Do you want to go Jollibee after this? It's still early. Yeah, we could. There's one at Young and Egg. So far. I'll just go get stabbed at Queen of Spadina. Hit me. Okay.

We are going to do this question. No, this question. I think it's going to be a quick one. This is BurnerAccount471. Mysterious bump. I was taking a bath. Felt a lump at the base of my penis. Sort of where the scrotum starts, I suppose.

Immediately I sat up, take a look, and noticed a fairly ugly bump. Firm, but not painful to touch. Sort of right around the edge with a raised yellowish middle. I'm colorblind, so I'll take that with a pinch of salt. Still, looked like a fairly average pimple. Naturally, I gave it a squeeze. I've had my fair share of pimples and ingrown hairs. I got nothing out of it, though. Still no pain, apart from the slight discomfort from the squeezing. I assume it's normal and nothing to worry about, but I wanted to get on here and check it, just in case. To make sure everything is clear, I'm 19 years old. I've only had one sexual partner who I'm in a five-year relationship with.

We were each other's first and have never had unprotected sex. We haven't had any sexual contact for a while, or quite some time, either, as we are currently long distance, so there's no way this could be an STD. Still, cancer runs in the family, so I can be very paranoid with this sort of thing. It's best to check. It is best to check, So go to the doctor. Go to the doctor. Get off the internet. What are you doing?

Yeah. Even like a doctor, you wouldn't just like text a description to them. You know what I mean? Like. Yes. Like the likelihood that this is probably a pimple or an ingrown hair is very, very high. That's almost like guaranteed what it is. But we've talked about it.

I've mentioned this many times where it's like the second, even the smallest anomaly happens pretty much from waist to knee. I am kicking in the nearest doctor's door, pulling down my pants and being like, what is it? Tell me right now. What is it? What is it? Yeah, I like, just go to the doctor. It's the safest option. The odds are it is a pimple,

but, you know, better safe than sorry. And also, there's nothing worse than the terror of like, get your dick and being like, oh, what that? And that's not going to go away until you're reassured. So go reassure yourself. I recently bought a new towel. and that's not going to go away until you're reassured so go reassure yourself i recently bought a uh a new towel i like a brownish red ish like a brown towel did you get like fluff on your

dick and you thought it was something that happened to me so i pink boxers and like the pink is like i guess skin colored when the fluff comes off and literally i thought i had like this big ass like wart or something on my dick I was pissing and I was just like staring at it in horror and I was like how what where when like literally like almost having a panic attack and I like moved it was just fluff and I was like yeah I mean that like yes so I had like this brown towel that like when the fluff whatever it's like I guess like when I toweled myself off some fluff remained and i didn't notice i put my underwear on and then like i guess like over

the course of the day it kind of got matted to my skin and when i went to use the washer i looked down and because i guess like it had been like you know pressed or whatever i kind of like give it a like a you know kind of like try to blow it off and it didn't move and then i tried to like dick yeah you know as you do and then it like it didn't go anywhere i was like oh no and then i touched it it didn't move and then like finally get it off no because it was like it's a yeah yeah it's a joke it's the box thing all over again it's the box thing all over again but this one's slightly less tragic yeah but it But it was just a fluff, and it happened to me for a good long, like

two or three washes before this towel chilled the fuck out. I thought you meant wash yourself three times and you still had the thing on you. I'm like, Dane, doctor. I might need to go to that. No, after I washed the towel a couple times to get the excess fluff to de-fluff it. Man, I've got a really

good question about a towel for our live show, but it's now two weeks in the past. So this is the worst time to tell you. Yeah. Goddamn capoeira. You want another question? Yeah. I mean, if you've got a quick one, I guess.

Pick one or two. Two. Okay. This is by, oh, snafu00. I, 36 year old male, was told by a woman I'm dating, 30 year old female She was gonna start dating somebody else exclusively Then she backpedaled

This afternoon, I text a woman I've been dating for about a month She informed me someone else asked her to date Exclusively, and she accepted This is how it went I also want to tell you someone asked me to date exclusively Me, thanks for sharing I guess I'd like to know your response before I go a whole lot further. Her.

I said yes. He's serious about being a partner. I feel like it's a step in the right direction for me at this point in my life. Me. You're a lot of fun and have so many great qualities. He's a lucky guy. I'm disappointed, but I hope you find exactly what you're looking for. It's been nice getting to know you a little bit.

Fast forward four hours. Her. Well, I feel like I put my foot in my mouth, metaphorically. I just learned he's an anti-vaxxer. Did I blow it with you? So here's where we're at. Honestly, I was slash am pretty into her. At the same time, I don't feel like diving back into this relationship.

I'm not upset at her. Sometimes you have to make a difficult decision for yourself. But I'm also not super interested in dating someone who told me they weren't going to date me any longer, then backpedal just a few hours later. Am I being too sensitive or petty? Also, I have plenty of options to date. I'm thinking about just moving on, but wanted some input. I mean, if you have plenty of options to date, I'm going to assume that you are dating your plenty of options.

Did you want to date this person exclusively or more seriously? Because if you wanted to date them more seriously, I think you handled it with grace. I think- Yes, up until this point. Yeah, you mostly said what I say. Yeah, you know what I mean? That's usually what I say, where I'm just like, hey, you're a kick-ass, you're awesome, I'm glad you found

someone. Obviously, I'm a little bummed that we don't get to keep hanging out, but best of luck, I hope it works out for you, and know hang on to my number so i think you handled that well her being like hey i fucked up this guy's a piece of shit do you want to keep hanging out if you didn't make that move i'm assuming that you know you guys were both well aware that you were seeing other people and dating because you weren't exclusive great this guy This person made a move and she accepted. Were you going to make a move?

Did you want to make a move? Were you ever going to make a move? Those are all things that are important to know. If there was no intention for you to date this person seriously or more exclusively or more whatever, then what does it matter? Keep it casual. Keep seeing her.

If you really liked her, great. But it seems like it's just your ego that's taken a hit and now you don't you think you're going to be less of a man maybe for taking someone back you know getting your sloppy seconds or whatever that's the thing it's like if you want to date her but you never told them like i would understand it maybe or i would understand it more if you were like hey do you want to date me and she was like no I'm not really like feeling like dating anybody and then she was like oh someone asked me to date them I'm gonna go date them and then was like I didn't actually want to date them I'm back like that would be more understandable because she would have turned

you down for dating but if you haven't if as Dane said, you don't want to, or you do want to and you never kind of broach the subject, you don't have a leg to stand on. Yeah. So, like, I was seeing somebody casually, and they were like, hey, someone wants to date me exclusively, and I'm, like, excited about it. I was like, hell yeah.

Go you. This is great. It's a pity. I really enjoyed this, but have a blast and a few months later they were like it really did not work out that was awful i still really like you though and i was like yeah great and we started hooking up again it was wonderful yeah i mean that that was it fairly recently yeah exactly there's nothing wrong with that you know what i mean and even if you wanted to date them but you haven't told them it's fine like this person was cool because they gave you honesty they were straight up they didn't like ghost you haven't told them, it's fine. Like, this person was cool, because they gave you honesty. They were straight

up. They didn't, like, ghost you, they didn't fuck about. They were just like, hey, this is what's happening. Cool. Then they came back, and they were like, hey, here's what's also happening. And that was also honest, you know? They had a little bit of humility of being like, well, I goofed it. And the other thing was, like, they also

sort of were like, hey, do you want to maybe pick up where we left off? They fully realized that what they did wasn't good. They were like, they also sort of were like, hey, do you want to maybe pick up where we left off? They fully realized that what they did wasn't good. They were like, did I ruin it with you? And like, if you can't get past it, that's fine, I guess. But don't be shitty to them. Yeah, that's it. Like, if you want to keep seeing them, don't worry about the fact that they started dating someone else.

Because, hey, let me tell you, everyone you're going to date probably dated someone before you. So, like, what's the difference here right if you were friends with someone or whatever and they were dating someone and then they broke up that person and then now they want to date you or want to hook up with you are you going to be like well you did have a boyfriend before me so like how interest could you really be like it doesn't make any sense that's not really how things work this is a slightly different scenario so i get it no you didn't seem to put a whole lot of weight on like our relationship and where it was going because you were ready to immediately like jump onto a relationship with someone else without sort of like you know talking to me about it or whatever

then sure but i don't think you need to hold it against them to be like, hey, someone is interested in me and I'm interested in them. I'm going to see where it goes and then be like, how dare you? And then again, it also all depends on like, did you have intentions or did you want to? Or did you see yourself maybe in the future dating this person? Because if you didn't, then go back to do what you're doing. Literally nothing's changed. If you didn't, then go back to doing what you're doing and literally nothing's changed. If you didn't, nothing's changed. If you did, but you never

let them know, now's your chance to be like, oh, you know, it actually was a bummer because I wanted to whatever. If, again, you're willing to get past this. I will say, if you are going to get back with them, realize that what they're looking for is a long-term relationship.

So either, if that's what you want, long-term relationship so either if that's what you want ask for it or if that's not what you want be prepared for this to happen again yeah or and make that clear be like hey yeah i would absolutely like to like you know start seeing you again i'm not looking for like you seem to be looking for a serious relationship that's not really what i'm interested in so So like, don't like, are you good at being casual? Yeah, that's fine, too. Just, you know, be clear about what you want. Be clear to be honest with yourself as to what you want.

And don't let sort of the the stupid machismo ego bullshit get in the way of potentially re sparking something that you clearly enjoyed. Yes. So it feels like you should just get over it. But if you can't, do both of you a favor and move on. Yeah. I think it's going to do it for this episode, friends. We are going to move over onto the online dating portion of our show, where we hop on Tinder or Bumble or Hinge and peruse profiles,

see what works, see what doesn't work, in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. I got two for you. So I'm going to start us off with Ryan, about me. I was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease called cryo-audiovascular malaxia. Basically, if I don't get enough blood to flow to my ears, they will slowly freeze and fall off, and it'll spread to my inner ear and then brain. I need to warm my ears constantly

to save my life, and the only material soft enough is the inner thigh of a girl. So I need you to sit on my face for medical reasons. And it's a pointing emoji. Is it gonna work? I don't know. Is it the least creepy way that someone has said this that

we've had in profiles? Probably. I think it's kind of funny. I think it's a little cringey. I don't? Probably. I think it's kind of funny. I think it's a little cringy. I don't hate it. I think it's pretty fucking funny. I'm going to give this like a six. I think I'm going to give it a seven, but you're right. It is funny and it is original enough that like,

I don't think you're going to get to the end of it and be like, oh, fucking creep. I get the end of you all like, oh really? Like it's charming enough. It's funny enough. It's weird enough.

It's different enough. I do think it's probably quite a turn off to be like, oh, a terminal disease. Like, you know, I'm sure a lot of people are like swipe. Yeah. But is it the worst thing? No. At least you did something funny. Yeah, I think you swing for the fences.

And when you do that every now and then you hit a home run. I least you did something funny. Yeah, I think you swing for the fences and when you do that every now and then you hit a home run. I think it's got potential. That's I think exactly what will happen. I think the right person will see this, find it funny. A lot of people will probably be like, what the fuck? Yeah. This is Ashley. About me, Calgary

born and raised. Super easy going and chill. You can go for a walk. Have a movie night in with some good wine and good cheese. Go to your favorite cocktail bar or try something new together. Skis and pool teacher or silks and pool teacher hiking in an outdoor fitness. Does that sound great? Yeah. It's a nine.

I think this is an incredibly serviceable profile. I'm going to give it an eight because I think it's missing a little spice. You know what I mean? There definitely could be more about their actual personality, but, you know, silks and pole, hiking, hell yeah. I'm saying this is like, you got a really nice looking dish of pasta, but the waiter didn't bring the little cheese grater.

The parm, yeah. This is nameless, about me, and it's a lady. I am 5'10". I was born in Sweden. Looking for a short, overweight guy for casual dating. Must be familiar with my daddy issues.

Must be between jobs or unemployed. Still live with your parents. Have no car and be friends with your ex. A sense of humor is a must. Okay. Like, I assume this is a... I get it. I assume this is like a... this is what you don't want.

Because those are all unattractive. Man, I always laugh whenever, like, the second it's like, can't be friends with your ex. I laugh so hard at it. It was like, man, I would, you would fucking have a absolute, like, your brain would melt. With the fact that, like, me and my ex did what is essentially a couple's costume this year like my high school my college ex like pretty much did a couple's costume for halloween what you also posted a picture about multiple work wives you fuck you're undateable yeah i am i'm literally undateable oh yeah I posted a picture recently of my three darling work wives.

Like, which I'm sure. That, like, new insecurity of, like, people saying work wife or work husband is, like, the most baffling and funny thing to me. How everybody is so obsessed with it. I love it. It makes me laugh so much. And, like, the best thing is, is, like, one of my work wives, her boyfriend, like, works there like works there as well and he's like he's the greatest guy and like I know that like there are probably some people who are like always glaring at like waiting for the drama but like me and him are so that they're like there's a sub layer below not understanding why people are chill but yeah the the friends with x things always makes me laugh just being like literally hang out with one of my exes almost on a weekly basis at karaoke and shit so it's just

like proud as fuck yeah sorry man like i got into a big argument the other day with people where i was like i think it's more of a red flag if you're not everyone. If your exes. Yeah. Like if every one of your exes is like, oh, they were crazy. Oh, they were this. They were that. They were.

I was like, hey, the common denominator at this point is you. So it's like I like when people are friends with their exes. Yeah, I think it's a good thing. It's like, again, we talk about it all the time. You trust me. you don't. If you don't trust them, then being friends with an ex or not doesn't mean shit. If you do trust them,

also means shit. I can give that one a two. It's just bad. Yeah. They're trying to be funny, but they come off bitter and, like, actually kind of offensive. So. Yep. This is my last one. This is Bella.

Genuine, affectionate, sensual, sexual, humble, quick-witted, playful, sometimes sassy, but mostly sweet, simple yet deep, easygoing, open and honest. Just looking to share some good vibes with someone who has good intentions. It's a bland ass salad. I will say I was coming in with a little more stink on it than I thought I needed to, because by the end of it, I was like, oh, okay, this is actually not that bad. It's, like you said, it's a whatever.

It's not great, it's not bad, but like I was really waiting for it to get worse, and it really didn't. And, you know. Yeah, I'll give it a five. Yeah, I think that is exactly where it needs to go. It's a five, because you're just listing everything that everyone else does. Yeah. Yeah, I think that is exactly where it needs to go. It's a five because you're just listing everything that

everyone else does. Yeah. Hey, guys, this has been fun. Thank you very much. Thank you. We love you. Please go support us

on Patreon. That would be wonderful. Yeah. Head on over to FBuddiesPodcast.com. Click the Patreon link. You can also check out

get tickets to our live show, which is on December 7th. Yep, this episode will be out before the show. You can get tickets there. You can also send a question in to us. We would love to answer your questions as well.

And thank you once again just for hanging out and listening to us. Just to let you know, we have, at this point, we're just about at 28 episodes on our Patreon so that's a lot of fucking

that's a lot of weeks worth of episodes you could stop listening to ones we're releasing listen to a Patreon episode every Monday and it would take you for like good couple of months and then you'd have so many to binge then you'd have so many to binge

so if you're looking for a little extra me and Dane in your life just consider that but also thank you we love you thank you Josh Eagle and Harvard Cities thank you for listening to this episode thank you for coming to our live shows we love you guys it's been a great year and yeah you're to blame

in the best way are you ready for some bad sex writing? this is a post on Reddit. Women constantly challenge authority and dominance to short men. I've noticed even more these days that if I'm at the gym or some sporting area woman who either weigh more or are taller or both seem to always give off this vibe that they are trying to challenge me. They walk past and almost be like, you are short, man. I am better. Taller men are better than you. Know your place type of thing.

Or gossip, gossip. Look at this guy. This is really an excuse for a man? I don't need to have these vibes given off to me when going out. Even in non-sporting settings, women do this. This is something I don't when going out and going about my business. I don't have time nor the mental capacity or energy to deal with this stuff. Like, I don't know what people want. For me to be not around the living? Throw me a bone or something. This is crazy. I think this is just a clear sign that perhaps you shouldn't be around the living. And perhaps this is your sign to become a necromancer, to be around the dead. Amass yourself an undead army, raise the bones from the ground, the fetid flesh of those yet decomposed,

and take your place among the tall, athletic, sporty women who once looked down at you. And now, from your throne of bones, you can look down at them. Importantly, steal a few vertebrae first, so all your dead are shorter than you. Ooh, got him! Or, go to a kid's cemetery. My name is

Dave Miller. And I'm Miles Spade. We've been your fuck buddies. you