F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 269 - Intimate Evenings: Dain’s Birthday Show (Live @ Black Sheep)

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

This month's live show at Black Sheep was to celebrate Dain's birthday and our universal love of Italian cuisine.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Dane forgot to start the recording. I did not get the beginning of this episode, and that's fine. It's okay. It's my fucking birthday.

I'll do what I want. It's his birthday. He's just gonna go book wild. So happy birthday, Dane. Thank you. Uh, I bought him a birthday hat, and he decided not to wear it. Oh, he just had it under the table. Thank you.

Hell yeah. Now he decided to give me a very flattering hat. It actually looks pretty good on you. I don't lie to me. Not many people can pull it off. I'm one of them. Yeah. Other than that,

we do a little thing. If you haven't been here before, if you do a little post and you tag us and you tag Black Sheep, you get entered into a shot competition and we will bring shots to your table during our second break.

If you win. Yeah, if you win. So it's very easy. Just tag us, fckbuddiespodcast on Instagram and blacksheepto on Instagram. It could be a clip of the show. It could be your table.

It could be your food. It could be your cocktail, yourselves, whatever you want. It doesn't matter as long as you tag those two things. You'll be entered in to win some shots.

And we'll love you. Also, we are being sponsored tonight by the excellent people over at Gems. Where's my other hat? Dane has multiple hats for this. Hat change. God, this is tight. Yeah, it's kind of fucked up in the back there.

So we will probably come by at some point and rain condoms on you. If you want them. Not in a weird way. There we go. All right. Love it. What else we got to say um we also are celebrating uh this is nothing to do with the show and just absolutely me wanting to brag uh we were nominated for three canadian podcast awards uh recently uh so that's pretty fucking cool yeah um

we won last year for best adult so we weren't allowed to be we're not allowed to compete but we are allowed to host that, so we get to give it away, which is kind of fun. But we're up for people's choice, best education, and best health and fitness. Health and fitness.

So I hope y'all are ready to learn, be more fit, and choose people. Let's do a question, shall we? Oh, actually, hold on. No, fuck that. Have you guys... Are we up to date on celebrity gossip?

Do you know what Billie Eilish has done? Well, yeah, because I sent it to you. I know. Well, I've seen this before. But does anyone know what Billie Eilish did? No. Okay, we've got mixed reactions. So Billie Eilish did a very cool thing where she said something that, well, let me just read this. So at the end of the episode, we do a thing

called bad sex writing. We also review Tinder profiles for red flags. So we usually have audience participation at that point where you kind of like boo or yay. So you can give me an old boo or yay depending on what you think of what billy eilish said uh billy eilish said nobody ever says a thing about men's bodies if you're muscular cool if you're not cool if you're real thin then cool if you have a dad bod cool if you're pudgy love it everybody's happy with it you know why because girls are nice they don't give a fuck because we see people for who they are. That's not true. Do we believe in this?

No. That's not true. No. That's not it, Billy. Billy, William Eilish, you did a bad job. Yeah. So I just,

I thought it would be fun to, I just typed into Google men's bodies and hold on, let me. And now it's a whole different kind of podcast, guys.

I really fucked up my algorithm with that one, let me tell you. So I just got a cool couple headlines here. This is just like the first couple things that popped up when I searched what I searched. Is that Matthew McConaughey? No, this is... Too much eating Gilbert Grape? Movie hunk Leonardo DiCaprio shows off his middle-aged spread as he paddles in Mexico. There's literally nothing. There's a picture here. as he paddles in Mexico. There's literally nothing.

There's a picture here. We won't talk about it. He's looking fine. The next one is Fat and the Furious. Muscleman Vin Diesel, 48, shows his softer side as he whips off his shirt in Miami. Aw. And then, I think we can all get upset about this one. He needs to shape up.

Keanu Reeves blasted for chubby body while spending family day on boat poor keanu he's the best of us keanu's just out here trying to do his fucking best and you're out here being like you're chubby keanu anyway my point is uh she's wrong billy eilish is wrong and look so there's two things one One, I wanted to say, you know, men are suffering at almost like an epidemic rate of eating disorders, which is entering into sort of the epidemic of male suicide as well. One in three men suffer from an eating disorder in their life. All bad things. But then I thought, I tried to find, like, what's the silver lining here, right?

I'm an optimist. And I said, you know what? It's good for Billie Eilish to speak so boldly and incorrectly and as confident as men usually do. Right? So I think at least we're getting closer to equality. So congratulations, Billie Eilish. Okay, now let's do a question. All right, we usually ask how spicy

you guys want to start it. So I'm going to do that again. We have a very? We have a nod? Niall does this every time where he asks a question that doesn't have a distinct answer. I'm getting the best answers, though. If you want a spicy question, make some fucking noise for us, please.

Thank you. Okay. I guess I'll go with this one because of the month that's in it. Happy No Nut November, everybody. To those who participate. To those who observe. So this is a Reddit post by BlueNuderd. Nutted during push-ups?

How and why? Just like the title says. I was doing pushups as usual. But I tried to go for my max 10 to 20. And when I got to 19, my legs started shaking. And I nutted. I don't know why and how.

Hey, me neither, man. Now, I'm going to give you a little clue. Okay. It's from the NoFap subreddit. Okay. We have someone well-versed in Reddit subcategories. So if you're not familiar with NoFap, NoFap is the social movement that encourages men not to masturbate for...

Reasons. Prosperity, I guess. I don't know. So, okay. encourages men not to masturbate for reasons prosperity i guess i don't know um so okay if i'm going to if you're in nofap is every month not no not november yeah it's no not life right like is that the point i think so i still have no idea okay again this is i'm asking a question that really can't be answered by an audience. But does anyone know if No Nut November means you don't nut at all or you just don't jerk off? Like are you giving up sex and orgasms or are you giving up masturbation? No one who has sex participates in No Nut November.

Okay. Fair. Fair enough. I don't know enough. I assume – I think you're just not allowed nut at all. Because we've had a question like two years ago where someone was like, my girlfriend's pissed at me because I can't have sex for November. Because I joined

No Nut November. Gotcha. So at least that gentleman believes you just can't nut at all. I like to imagine that No Nut November was made by the people who also did Movember as a way to, because everyone like the amount of women who get mad at Movember because it's just a month

where every guy looks like they do own a panel van. Yeah. And I think whoever came up with No Nut November was like, hey, look, this will piss off your girlfriends more than you growing a horrible mustache.

I apologize. I know there are some people out here with mustaches. That's fine. Actually, I don't think. We're good. We're safe. We're in a mustache-free zone. here with mustaches. That's fine. Actually, I don't think. We're good. We're safe. We're in a mustache-free zone.

You can speak safely. It's a safe space. It's a safe space. They can't hurt me here. Now, have you ever heard of a corgasm? No, but I bet you're going to tell me. So a corgasm is actually a phenomenon where if you're engaging your core muscles during a workout, you can just nut. Cool. I believe it

happens mainly with women. Okay. So maybe that's what happened. Maybe this gentleman had a corgasm. You know what I thought it was? I thought it was when you get really happy when you see one of Corgi's little butts. He just gets so happy about it. I'm not saying you cum with the Corgis. I'm just saying it's a

euphemism. I shouldn't talk about cumming in pets.is. I'm just saying it's a euphemism. Yeah. I shouldn't talk about coming in pets. Nope. Nope. Not this early. So I guess, I mean, here's the thing. I think if every orgasm is a gift, and if you're doing push-ups, which suck, and you come, fuck yeah. Now, the thing is, you're probably going to be shredded now Cause you're just gonna Want to do pushups All the time

Right if If I Yeah Cause I I fucking hate pushups And no one likes pushups But you know what people do like Coming

Coming So this guy needs to do A fucking workout video And teach us all How to corgasm Yeah I really can't answer it Other than maybe

Maybe a corgasm Maybe Start Start nutting normally I'm gonna start with a with a softball okay little underhand pitch alright Jesus there's so much in front of me right now this is from known

librarian off of reddit hanging out with a guy and I'm on my period so I'm a 19 year old female I'm going to a guy's house 24 year old male tomorrow and we've never had sex or even talked about it. We met through a dating app and had dinner. I started my period two weeks ago, and I don't know what to do because I'm kind of assuming that we were going to have sex.

I feel like it would be so awkward to be out of the blue, just in a text, say that I'm on my period because, like, I said no sex. Oh, they said no sex was even mentioned. I was thinking that if it got hot and heavy and it seemed like it was going that way, then I'd tell him. But I was talking to a guy friend. He was like, oh, you have to text him and let him know before you go. I don't know. Does anyone have any ideas on what I should do?

By the way, this would technically be our second date. So I guess it depends what you want out of the relationship. Because if all you want is to fuck, then maybe just be like, hey, I'm on my period. I'm not feeling so well. Let's postpone. Also, did they say they were on their period for over two weeks? No, they started two days ago. Oh, you said two weeks.

Hey, fuck you guys. It's my birthday. Don't correct me. I love all of you. Okay, so those concerns are gone. Hey, fuck you guys. It's my birthday. Don't correct me. I love all of you. Okay, so those concerns are gone. If you just want to fuck, you could still go and do other stuff. Yeah.

Right? Or you could just be like, oh, I'm not feeling well. I'm on my period. We can postpone. If you want to do other things, if you want to see where it goes and maybe have a relationship in mind blah blah blah go and if you say oh i'm on my period and he gets fucking weird and doesn't want to hang out anymore silver lining you know you don't need to hang out with this guy ever again that's the thing i think this is a great litmus test yeah i agree i think it would be weird even though i would like you know personally it would be like oh great okay cool i know you're on your period you don't want to have sex so you, you know, that's off the table.

Cool. But I think I would also be, it's like when people, when you go on a first date or whatever and like you're vibing and then all of a sudden someone's like, by the way, we're not going to sleep tonight or sleep together tonight or we're not going to have sex tonight. It's like, okay, thanks. Yeah, where'd that come from? Thanks for letting me know, I guess. But we're just talking about our pets or whatever right now. So maybe.

We should have a cork asm. Maybe. we're just talking about our pets or whatever right now so maybe show that cork has them maybe um so i think it would be weird to just out of the blue be like hey bt dubs i'm on my period yeah i don't think that's the move yeah i think it would be different if you have had sex or if you guys were like in a fuck buddy situation or like you knew this was a specifically just a booty call yes but like this is your second date. I don't think, you know, if he's going into a second date expecting being like, oh, gonna have sex, gotta have sex, and then gets weird about it, then he gets weird about it.

Yeah, silver lining. Now you know you don't need to waste time with this fucker. And if it starts getting hot and heavy and you're like, hey, by the way, I don't want to have sex tonight, I'm on my period, or whatever the situation is, and he's like, oh, okay, that's fine. Cool. Good sign. Great.

Great news. And I think this is a great way to sort of like gauge it. And if he gets weird, don't see him again. If he's cool about it, then you know at least he's not weirded out by a very natural body phenomenon that happens to you every month. And you know that in the long run, you'll probably be okay. Yeah. And that's it. So I don't think, yeah, texting him, being like, I'm on my period out of nowhere is probably not the move.

No. But again, if all you want to do is fuck, then you could definitely just postpone. Yeah. Either tell him or just be like, hey, something came up. I can't make it. Don't feel well. Blah, blah, blah. But if you're cool with just doing a date and hanging out and watching a movie or whatever, then do it.

This is Southern Girl in Calii does he think i'm nasty an old friend and i started talking again recently shortly after that we started sleeping together it's been years since we've been together in that way and i honestly thought he changed one morning after we got up he gave me towels so i could take a shower after i used them he told me to toss them because he needs new towels anyway i did question him deeper on, since he had his towels hanging in the shower, and he claimed I was looking into it way too much and he just needs new towels. But then a few days ago after we had sex, he brought me a warm towel to clean myself up. Since I don't know where his hamper is, I folded it up and sat it near my clothes. When he came into the bedroom, he grabbed it and walked out, and I could hear his metal trash

can clinging from the kitchen. I immediately felt hurt. I thought maybe he thinks I'm gross, although everything should be good down there in my lady parts, because I just had a checkup recently. He also engages in oral sex, so I know I can't possibly be gross in any way. I don't smell. I take very good care of my body. When he came back in, I asked him again if he just threw away the towel I used, and he said, yeah, it's no big deal. I became so upset.

I just got my things and left. I was supposed to be staying the night, but I couldn't lay next to him. I feel like he's gaslighting me by telling me I'm thinking too much into it. He stopped responding to my text when I asked him if he threw away his towel from his shower. It's a valid question, because why do the ones I use need to be discarded and his don't? Why would a guy discard towels I use on my body instead of just putting them in the laundry? Or am I thinking too much into it?

Man, this guy fucking hates towels. This guy must be so rich. That's what I'm thinking. I was like, a one bedroom apartment is like $2,000. If I'm paying that, I'm not paying for towels.

I can't buy towels. If I have to buy towels every time I have sex, I'd be fucked. Yeah. You'd be dead. You wouldn't, like. I would be in so much towel debt. Towel debt. So.

He's got wet wipes. For real. Right? Baby wipes exist. No, I think my advice to the lady in this situation is see how far you can take this. Because there's got to be a towel limit. Like the towel horizon, he can't fucking shell out for 20 towels a week. Or can he? If he can, great.

You're getting those fucking good ass towels no one's used. No, but when you first get a towel, they suck. That's fair, yeah. New towels are the worst towels. But he warmed them up for you. Maybe that's the thing. Maybe he's spent so long getting his towels to the perfect towel consistency that he's like, I couldn't possibly let anyone else use these. This doesn't make any sense because he's still just

fucking throwing towels away. I don't know. Does he work in a hotel where he gets free towels? Oh, there you go. Has he taken towel service from the gym? Although, hey, if you're giving... If I went to someone's place and like, oh yeah, just grab a shower if you want.

And then they gave me a gym towel to... Those things are fucking, like, this big. They're not drying anything. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, I just want to see at what point do you bring him to financial ruin by fucking him. Use his towel next time you go in. Yeah.

Right? That'll be the test. That'll be the test. Because if he loves them, nice to choose. Right? The towel he loves or your dirty stinky body use what use the towel he gave you like wrap your hair in it yeah and then use multiple ones of his towels to clean everything else just and and oh i like okay hold on okay i'm i'm cooking here right let him cook one towel per body part and if he only throws away one towel,

you've localized the problem. Right? Right? If he throws away your left leg towel, what's going on there? You got a real weird leg. Just do the stanky leg. Do a test and don't dry off

and just run into his bed. Soaking wet from a shower. You're going to throw it a bed, dude? Let's see how rich this man is. Do you have fucking duvet money? Yeah. He's not Batman. Maybe he is. Maybe he is Batman. Imagine that's how someone found out you were Batman. Yeah. Like how

can he afford all these fucking towels? Catwoman's like he's afforded so many towels. He's gotta be like Bruce Wayne or wait a minute. Okay again everyone knows Bruce Wayne is rich. That's what I'm saying. If Catwoman is sitting with Batman. Oh, okay.

He's fucking Batman. It's like, what is he, Bruce Wayne? Wait a minute. Okay. But then, but who looks at Batman and is like, oh, that guy's definitely poor as he rides around in his fucking tank, shooting all of his cool gadgets everywhere. I don't think anyone's like, man, Batman must be really struggling out there. Well, yeah, because he spent it all

on his cool-ass fucking bike car. Do you think Batman keeps the cowl on when he has sex? Obviously. It must get so hot. Yeah. He's so grumpy all the time. It's true. Do you think he does the voice, too?

Yeah. I like it. I'm gonna come. You're a good girl. This is something where I do think that the answer is fuck around and find out. Yeah, you got it. I think you just got to use as many towels as you possibly can until he's like, no more. Please leave wet, dripping, because I cannot afford to dry you anymore.

You have to. You have to see how far the towel gambit goes. When you go over next time, take a quick... I usually do not suggest doing this. I do not recommend doing this. Can't wait. Take a look into his garbage can. Is it just filled with towels?

Now, is it possible he has some kind of like condition where like germs are like a big thing and we're being a little mean? Hey, sure. If it is, he should tell her. If it is, might I introduce you to a washing machine? And like, I'm sorry, but if you are that fucking weird about

germs, you're probably also not down to go down on someone. Or just sex, right? If you're worried about juices getting on things, they're on you, my dude. Unless you're doing a Ben Shapiro and aren't getting anyone

wet. That's fair. I don't know. That's what he uses the towel for. Just drying it up, yeah. Yeah, if you have an issue where germs are a thing like that, you've got to fucking let people know. All right, hit me. Oh, boy. Oh, God.

Yeah, this is a birthday treat to me. And I do, I guess, I see some people eating and I'm sorry. This is one of those questions where i don't know if i should read the question title if that's the case don't okay you know it's a good question when we don't read the title because we don't want to ruin it it's also a good question when the the question starts off with please take me seriously that's what we say at the start of every podcast episode, too. Okay, here we go. Whenever we have sex, I can smell this strong smell of garlicky tomato pasta in the air. It's been six years and it's still happening.

And at times, it's not as strong, but other times, just want to throw up. Boyfriend had claimed it's coming from me. Even when fingering me, he jokingly confirms it's me when he fingers me. Never happened with anybody else, just with him. Now here's the thing. Not once, not twice. At times, when we're in bed, I can smell this smell coming off his fingers. Even in normal days when we hadn't done anything special. His dick never smells like that, but again, in sex, it just reeks with garlic Lately, an unfortunate thing happened I contracted a sudden serious fungal infection

After intercourse with him But now, I'm not so sure I'm personally very clean Again, never ever happened to me before And I'm glad it was over with some antibiotics I'm fearing he's cheating on me or something When I'm alone, I do not smell this. I feel like I'm being gaslit. Any

clue on what the fuck is going on? It's actually super anxious, or I'm actually super anxious about this. Thanks. I don't like any of that. I think it would have been less disgusting if it was like, oh, I smell like a disgusting thing that makes sense, as opposed to

I smell like a food that in other circumstances. Delicious. Tasty. Yeah. Now, like no one here is going to have garlicky tomato pasta. So here's the thing. Did they say pasta or soup? They said pasta.

Pasta. Garlicky tomato pasta. Why pasta? So specific. I don't understand why this is a problem. Right? It's like, everyone loves garlic bread. I don't think there's anyone.

Not anymore. I don't think there's any. But, like, why? Because it's not meant to smell like that. Sure. But neither is wax, and we buy candles smelt like things. Right? So if I went and bought a candle that smells like gingerbread cookies,

I'm not going to be like, oh, can't ever eat a gingerbread cookie before. But you knew buying it. Sure. You did it on purpose. But if I enjoy going down on someone, and they smell like a delicious ravioli, I'm not going to be upset. I know you don't mean this. I like... And they smell like a delicious ravioli. I'm not going to be upset. I know you don't mean this.

I like both things. I know you don't mean this at all. Why not? I know you don't. Why not? It's like why deodorants don't smell like fucking pasta. But they should. No one would want that.

Why not? Okay, who wants that? Yes. We got two fucking weird. We love it. Two absolute depraved freaks. But this is just social conditioning. You're just letting societal standards tell you what deodorant should smell like. No.

What I want is when I'm in a situation where a taste or a smell is involved, I want to get what I expect. So, okay, for example, I work in a brunch restaurant and we deliver maple syrup in shot glasses. And people sometimes are like, fuck you, and they knock it back thinking we've just given them free shots as we do and the look of joy turns so swiftly to horror despite the fact that given the knowledge they would put that maple syrup all over their pancakes but that's that's exactly that's that's them not knowing what's in the glass i know there's no pasta down there no but. But. Nor should there be. I know that I'm. Like.

It's just a smell. But. Okay. If you could explain it. Yeah. If you were like. Oh. That's my candle I lit.

It smells like garlic. Right. You'd be like. Okay. Cool. I get it. If you're like. I don't know where that smell is coming from.

Sure. That's where the fear comes from. Hey. I'm not saying you shouldn't be scared. I'm just saying that we can work through this fear together. It doesn't seem like they are. Has either of you gone to the doctor is a very important question i mean that's also wait are we skipping over this fungal thing that i'm sure is linked somehow probably not yeah it's fair yeah it's got to be a coincidence move over uh you both need to go to the doctor you both need to fucking the crazy the crazy thing is this has been going on for six years

and at no point in time was either one of them like should we go i assume they're not cheating because six years is a long long time to be in a relationship let alone cheat i i wait are you saying that six people people in a long-term relationship won't cheat no i'm saying like if you were like oh i was in a relationship for six years people like oh damn that's pretty long oh you were like i was cheating on someone for six years for the entire time that's insane right okay i see what you're saying you're saying it sucks no matter what but if the garlic started at like if the garlic was at the beginning of the relationship and it's still here you would have to you would have to assume that they were cheating with the same person yes okay i see what you think you garlic person for six years uh doctor i don't know how

anyone would be chill if i was like like i i have a pretty like good nose if i can smell something and i'm like where's that fucking coming from i i can't rest i can't fucking rest hey good or bad great news you know where it's coming from i don't his fingers maybe the downstairs well she says it's not her and his dick apparently doesn't smell or taste like it so but no how does he eat his soup or his pasta is he one of those people that is it like no fork november where he's just like uh is he just ham ball those fucking nudes right into his gullet? Is he a chef? And it's just sort of like prevailing. Well, if it's a ratatouille situation and she can smell the kitchen rat.

It's true. She hides in the room while they're fucking. Or maybe it's a whole different situation where the guy is excellent in the kitchen, terrible in bed. He's got a sex ratatouille. Is he always wearing a hat while you're fucking it's a tall stinky hat yeah maybe it's a rat up there maybe fucking you know controlling your your man you gotta go to the doctor both of you please for my sanity let alone your pasta dick slash vag slash fingers i I don't see a problem still.

I mean, look, if it's a health-related issue. Your birthday will only get you so far before I kick you off this goddamn stage. Look, when you are making a recipe and the recipe calls for garlic, does anybody follow the amount of garlic that's told to you by the recipe? No. No. So, presumably, there's no garlic involved in sex. He's just adding a little extra like we all do in our cooking.

Sex in cooking. Isn't it? Oh, shit. I guess that's the way to end that. Look, yeah, go to the doctor for God's sakes, please. Go to the doctor, shit. I guess that's the way to end that. Look, yeah, go to the doctor, for God's sakes, please. Go to the doctor, please. My general rule of thumb is if something is happening during sex that normally doesn't happen, a sensation, a smell, anything like that, and it persists, you should go to a doctor. Especially if you're concerned.

If you wait six years, that is the craziest thing to me. You know they live in a place with no free healthcare. 100%. This is what universal healthcare gets us. This is six years of like, yeah, it does smell like fucking pasta in here, but... It's going to cost us 20 grand to check it out. So I guess... I guess it's pasta time.

Mamma mia. We're going to take a quick break um don't forget to do the posts uh tag us tag the show if you have questions there's paper and pens on your your table please write them down we'll answer the questions um and we will see you in about like 15 minutes also order another drink go for a smoke go to the bathroom do do whatever you want to do. You're all grown adults. Importantly, questions are anonymous. So,

we just fold them up into a big pile. You don't need to write your name or anything. All right, we'll see you in a bit. We're back. We're back. So we've got a couple questions from y'all,

which should be enough to get us through. Oh, boy. Why is that happening now? These fucking mics They behave when they behave But all of a sudden Easy Easy

Just requires a gentle touch That's all There you go Is that pasta? We've got Like I said We've got some questions So we're gonna

We're just gonna blast through them Or not We'll take our time with them You can't tell us what to do It's our show. Yeah, it's Dan's birthday. I will remind everybody, one, thank you for the questions. Two, during the next breaks, we'll be giving out the shots.

If you want to give a shot, tag us. If you don't want to give a shot, tag us anyway, and we can just skip your table. Also, if you're a private account, we won't see it. So just flag us down and show us the post. Otherwise, we won't get the notification. Then you won't get entered into the draw and you'll be sad. Yep. All right.

You want to start us off? Yeah. I was told I have to specifically read this one. I'm worried for you. Oh, okay. I've read it now. Sorry. This one is crafted by a steady hand.

Where does Dane buy his garbage scratchy towels? Look, am I the only one... Do you know what I'm talking about when I say that the first toweling of a towel... They have to be washed a couple times before they... I will say I don't care. Okay. It doesn't... It's say I don't care. Okay. It doesn't... It's not a thing for me.

Okay. Woo if it's a thing for you. Woo! Okay. Not a very... One very emphatic response, but not very many other responses. So are you saying all of you... I don't want to call you disgusting people, but get your towel from wherever do you wash it first

i don't want a soft towel a soft towel doesn't dry i want one that's scratchy i want one that like well that's the problem i guess i mean not scratchy but like i find that like whenever you go to a hotel and it's like those those like soft really soft fluffy towels i find those don't dry you and then it's like you know it removes moisture but then i'm still kind of wet yeah yeah people know what's up people know what's up we're trying to experience these bad towels i've either been to better or worse hotels i can't tell this is the worst question for a sex podcast. Yeah, it is, I guess. I'll hit you with this one. Yeah, hit me with a real question.

Okay. Not that that wasn't a real question. How old is too old? I mean, I need context. You don't get any. I would say they need a pulse

and they need mental clarity yeah you need to be able to consent to be alive consent and and a pulse are and i i think it also is like very important as to what age you yourself are like if you're 19 and they're 98, not great. I mean, it's weird, but legal. Yeah, it's shit. If you're cool with it, sure. But, like, I think it's kind of up to you. So, like, if you met a guy who's 10 years older than you and you're 30, that's probably fine. But it's up to you.

So, it's kind of hard to answer this. I feel like it's, like, kind of in the middle is just fine. Just gray area, right? As long as there aren't extraneous circumstances. Like a power imbalance. Yeah, power imbalance, power dynamics, any of that kind of stuff. If they're your boss and you're working under them, then I'm a little about that.

Or if they're using their age in a weird way. But I think when you are, when one person is towards the far left, which is like the young side of things, like if you're 19, like just turned age of consent and they are significantly older, I think that there's an inherent problem around there. Yeah, there is an inherent power imbalance there, even if they're not your boss or whatever. So that's when things are not great. But like it is kind of up to you to determine there's not just a number and then i think that there's also sort of like on on the opposite end if someone is very old there's the risk of like you know mental faculties not being there uh you know years of loneliness or really

bad politics yes um so then there's like there's I think that also pays into it. But then like I think anywhere like if you're in your like mid 20s to like whenever just don't be fucking bad to each other.

And I think it's fine. OK. How to find a high value I assume guy. Oh boy. High value comes from I don't like like the term the term is bad because it's used very very frequently by pickup artists and that sucks yeah the the origin of of the idea of high value

and low value and that kind of stuff puts weight on uh judging people based on very arbitrary circumstances. So if you're talking about how do you find someone who is going to respect you and isn't ingrained into toxic masculinity and believes – is just an all-around good person, I think there are a couple steps that you can take in order to find someone like this one i think you have to be realistic with your standards in terms of like what you're looking for if you're looking for someone to get into a long-term relationship with maybe don't date people who are actively being like hey i'm just looking for something casual hoping that you're going to change them sure because i think that is a trap a lot of people maybe don't date people who are actively being like, hey, I'm just looking for something casual,

hoping that you're going to change them. Sure. Because I think that is a trap a lot of people fall into where people who are looking for a monogamous relationship or a serious relationship or a committed relationship end up falling for someone or getting involved in someone who is explicitly told them, hopefully, that they're not looking for the same thing. But because of

xyz uh there's a reason why they they're like they're hoping that like maybe maybe if this this scenario happens it might be different yeah uh i for me it was like just being really really critical of red flags so not being like i can you know i can understand that. Or like, well, you know, just being like, okay, that was a red flag. Nope. And then move on. A lot of people also like the high value thing is like what is your definition of that? Is it over six feet tall, over six figures? You know what I mean?

Is it that sort of like toxic masculinity, garbage socialization sort of standards of what a man should be? Or are you, again, looking for someone who's just going to be respectful of you and honor your time and look after you and that kind of stuff? And I will say to that end, don't trade out a good thing for a superficial thing. Don't be like, he's kind of a shithead, but he's got a good job. Because like, yeah, sure, that's probably not going to work out well for you in the end that's that was kind of yeah my point of being like figure out like figure out what makes someone high value in your mind and if it is arbitrary stuff that literally

anyone could be under the right circumstances so like wealth or you know fitness or any of that kind of stuff if that is what you're specifically looking for, maybe take a look, do a little self-reflection and be like, how does that impact me in the mindset and framework of a relationship? Because like, sure, we all want a little bit of financial security, but if the dude doesn't make time for you or doesn't respond to your texts or makes you feel undervalued or not respected, then it's like... Is it worth it? Is that trade-off worth it? Is getting to go to nice places

and maybe being able to afford a house worth... Hey, wait. A house? Hold on. Never mind. I'll take that back. But you have to make the call of being like, what do I want realistically?

And am I willing to... If you want to be treated poorly in exchange for dating someone who has a good job and is tall and handsome then i guess that's on you but you can't then be like guys i date suck because you've made that conscious choice to date those people and of course there are tall handsome rich people who are very people who are very nice. So just don't make the conscious trade of like, okay, I can put up with this bad thing because of this good thing. Because

if you're not able to put up with that bad thing forever, then it's probably not going to be a great relationship. And let's face it, you shouldn't put up with any bad thing ever. Yes. Right? Like, have a little bit of self-respect and a little bit of self worth and understand that you don't need to make concessions to find someone who's quote unquote high value. Yeah. That that way, as Nell says, lies madness. And I will say, like, I'm a bartender.

The amount of times I hear it's a pretty common thing with women. I've heard dudes do it, but I've heard women like friends. So like someone will be complaining about their partner being like, you know, Oh, I've just started seeing someone. He's got a great job and he's, you know,

whatever, but he does this and this and this. And a lot of the times people will be like, yeah, but he does this as if like to, to, to choose a, a sort of like really shitty,

be like, he does have a good job though. Like you got to go on a trip and it's like, cool. Like, is that, if that's what you want, then I don't think you get to complain or criticize worth or value.

If you're not holding yourself to the same standards. Yeah. So don't trade out superficial shit for the stuff that matters unless you're very much down with that, which seems strange. Yeah. Uh, what is the biggest red flag in a guy? In a guy?

Mm-hmm. Boo. Um. Inside a guy. I think, I think if his personality revolves around Joe Rogan or Andrew Tate. Yeah. I think that gives you sort of everything you need to know about what's going to happen there. Because even if, like I know some pretty decent dudes who have reposted Andrew Tate stuff.

And I've had to be like, great, this clip of him saying like, men should be vulnerable, blah, blah, blah, sounds great. But then when you see like the full context of the clip. Or just the 8 000 other ones where he's like men liking to cook pussies um he just posted that the other day i believe he called us cooks yeah yeah if you're a cook you're a cook yes eating eating sucks not eating um so i so I think that I think like what the kind of media someone's I think it's like I don't know if there's anything really like the lady equivalent

of an Andrew Tate that I can think of Gwyneth Paltrow? Goop? I don't know Billie Eilish maybe she was cool up to like two days ago yeah if someone's like big into Goop maybe that's the answer to the pastor question. Did they put like a goop egg up there and forget about it?

Maybe. Because that happened to so many women. Other than that, I think red flags for dudes, one I think everyone should look out for is the way they speak about women that they aren't interested in having sex with. Or trying to. Yes, I think that is a great indicator of the character and morality of a man. If they aren't physically or sexually attracted to them, do they treat them poorly?

And I think that tells you everything you need to know about a dude when they only value women as people if they want to put their dick inside them. And that sucks. And there's a lot of dudes out there who do it and I think it's very easy to see those people if you take the blinders off, if you take like the sort of the

rose tinted glasses off of how much you like a person or how attracted you are to them. If you kind of like open up your sort of peripheral vision and see how they act around people they're not trying to fuck I think you'll see a much clearer indication of like, Jesus, the character of a dude. Yeah. I also think if he can't make you come and isn't willing to try. Dang.

Hey, yeah. He's just like, I can't. Boom. That's it. It's like, cool. Get the fuck out. So, yeah. Those are them.

If you give him pointers and he's like, gets very offended about them and like, has a tantrum and then next time forgot all the pointers, that's a huge fucking red flag right there. Okay, I think this is an excellent segue for this one. He says he just wants sex, but then comes within a few minutes. She decides she's comfortable with just sex too, but didn't know she was signing up for this performance. Okay. Okay. I mean, this leads right into what Niall was just talking about, where sex is not just penetration.

Right? A lot of people think of like, oh, we had sex, and they sort of forget foreplay, and they sort of forget anything that happened after he came as if like that's sex is all this the sex is when a man puts his penis inside and comes and that's what sex is which is not it not it in a healthy sexual relationship sex is sort of like the time it starts getting hot and heavy till the time where everyone's satisfied everyone has has done their best to make sure that everyone is satisfied. Because look, we've all been there where, I've definitely had sex where it's been like,

it's too hot. And I'm like, sorry, I'm not coming. Or you hop back in a little too soon. Or you're a little too drunk. That's whatever. It's fine. It's okay. If everyone doesn't come, that's fine.

But the concerted effort needs to be made by both parties to make sure that everyone is satisfied. So when I said satisfied, I meant if you're made by both parties to make sure that everyone is satisfied. So when I said satisfied, I meant if you're satisfied with ending it without coming, you're still satisfied. You know? And I think that's important. I don't mean you have to come to climax. Hopefully you will. But if you're good with ending it and you're happy, that's important.

Whereas if you're this dude and you're like, I just want sex for me. And then you run out. Nerds. That's not great. So I think, yeah yeah if this is a situation you're having then talk to your partner and be like hey great i am so down to keep this a strictly sexual relationship however i would like to come yeah um and i think you don't need to really talk about his performance because presumably it's not something he can necessarily change in terms of length.

But if you're saying I'm dissatisfied and he's just like, but I put the dick in and then it came. Yeah. There's more to it than that. So ask for more, ask for, you know, him to go down on you afterwards or before or during whatever, you know what I mean? Like if he wants to take breaks and dive in, go for it, you know, but tell him that you need to come. We are huge advocates of not being afraid of what you want and asking for it. And I think there is a disconnect that for a very long time women were socialized that sexual pleasure was very much at the bottom of the totem when it comes to relationships. We were socialized that way for a very very long time um it wasn't until sort of like the 60s uh that we had our first sexual revolution and then again in like 2010 which is insane um and and so like we're still not doing great yeah it's like what like 13 years after and we're still sort of like having to talk about the fact that you know we the orgasm

gap exists right like the the fact that there is a i think it's something like 80 of women don't orgasm in an average sexual encounter and that's fucking insane it's that's that's a crazy statistics yeah and that statistic is specifically sexual encounters with men. Heterosexual. Yeah, with heterosexual men. Yeah, it's a lot better girl on girl. Yeah. So don't... So men are the problem here. What?

Wait, why? No way. Could never be. So we're big advocates. And this goes for whatever sexual or gender identity you are, asking your partner or telling your partner what you need is not something you should be afraid of or ashamed of because one, it's, it's a,

it's an indicator of like, it's a great way of like seeing how your partner is going to react. Well, that's the thing in this situation. If you're like, Hey, I would like you to go down on me or I'd like you to finish me off and you're done,

blah, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, no, no. Then, you go down on me or I'd like you to finish me off when you're done, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, no. No. Then you know, one, they're not worth shit. And two, this relationship isn't worth shit because if he just wants sex, you're just going to get disappointment.

That's not a great tradeoff. And again, going back to what we talked about, like a high value man, a lot of people might think like, oh, a dude who doesn't last that long is a low value man. But it's like, maybe not. Because what would you rather have a dude who could last longer in bed and doesn't give a shit about your sexual satisfaction or a dude who might come a little faster but makes damn sure that you've come or you're satisfied after every sexual encounter like that i think is you know is a is a an idea of like what why it's so weird to and like importantly in those situations one of those things you can control when you can't so you know but yeah if you talk

to this person and they're not willing to put the effort in why would you stay in this relationship especially if it's just sex i don't think it would matter if it was more because the problem's still fucking there but it's just sex it's like you're not going to get anything out of this. Yeah. So what's the point? Yes. Why did you do that? You could literally save yourself a ton of time and whatever

just by a vibrator. Make yourself come. And then you have to throw out so many less towels. Yeah, now you don't have to throw out a towel every time this guy comes over. You could just do a few push-ups and you would feel far better. Yeah. I think you're i think you're

okay uh i believe in you i believe in you i got one more on this bad boy uh what are your beliefs on having sex right away will a guy really lose respect for you if you put out uh the right away i have two friends who seem to think so and makes them wait yet is still single why do some relationship uh coaches teach this nonsense hey the fact that you think it's nonsense is great yeah uh i i have never taught less of someone for having sex immediately or later i don't care if it's the right time it's the the right time. If they want to, they want to. And I think the problem comes into if you have sex right away,

but you don't want to, that's shit. If you decide to not have sex right away, even though you want to, that's shit. So just like do what you fucking want. If the guy is going to not respect you because you had sex when they were down to have sex, that's a piece of shit.

So you've saved yourself some time. Again again once you've had sex wanting to right if you decide oh fuck man want to fuck on the first date i gotta do this that sucks because then if they decide to bail then you've lost twice you know what i mean because you've done something you don't want to do and then you've you know lost the person you might have liked or whatever whereas if you did it and you wanted to hopefully it was good but at least then you've done what you wanted to do so it doesn't matter as much if they fuck off because again bullet dodged yeah it's we don't like saying that there are rules right like we i i don't know how i think that i think the general age in here is everyone is old enough to know, is it called The Rules? Was it called The Rules?

So there was a book called The Rules that a lot of my lady friends in college got way too invested in. And the decisions they made based on these books were so fucking dumb. But it's the same thing as books like He's Just Not That Into You. And then on the flip side of things, books like The Game and like what we've done is made a terrible business decision because people really like clear answers. They like to be like, no, wait three days. No, don't have sex until date four. You know, they love that. And we would probably do better if we made some bullshit tiktok videos being like here's

how to get a guy after three days because people would like that no one really likes well it's kind of a gray area it's you know it depends person to person you're gonna have to think about your feelings and how you want to you know how you think about things and maybe you know do some self-reflection that's scary but that's the answer so it's like if you want us to stand up here and say like yeah wait a couple days before having sex we could do that but it doesn't fucking mean anything the same way it's like one of the big problems with like pickup jesus fuck this microphone um one of the big problems with like pickup artists and dating coaches and like all these people who sit down and be like we're guaranteeing you these this this process will work this works on women it's like oh shit women are all the exact

same yeah that's wild and it's like one line one thing you say every woman damn crazy that they're so similar like a lot of a lot of sex and dating advice really comes down to sort of like self-reflection and communication. I mean like that's really like the two. Those are not sexy answers. They're not sexy answers. They're not snappy answers. A lot of the times you have to sort of like stop and be like, hey, what am I comfortable with? What am I actually looking for?

And then you have to like have the battle that every millennial has to fight and be like, I'm worth love. And you have to sort of bully yourself into believing that and not listen to all of the other bullshit things circling around you being like, you're not this unless you're this. You're not that unless you're that. And it's a lot. We're inundated constantly with like information that's bad for us um and unfortunately if the answer was easy if the answer was do these four steps as now says all the time we would all be in the relationships with the people of our dreams if there was a very clear answer right you know what i'm gonna give an easy answer do what you want if it doesn't work out good because if they're like oh you're really cool what i'm gonna give an easy answer do what you want if it doesn't work out

good because if they're like oh you're really cool and i'm really great but they don't respect you because you slept with me even though i was willing to do it then they fucking suck yeah that's it or if they're like i want to sleep you date one but it's four dates in and we haven't done it and fuck you you're not worth shit to me now. Then they suck. So it's like, just do what you want to do and if they can't keep up, great. Yeah. Don't let outside influences alter how you want to live your life. Yeah.

If you go on a date with someone, you might like go into a date with someone being like, I'm not going to sleep with them. And then if for whatever reason you guys hit it off, why would you then be like i told myself i wasn't gonna sleep with them like you're you're you're stopping yourself you might be like i'm gonna fuck this guy's brains out this can be sick and you get there and he sucks shit and you're like well gotta do it yeah but he's hot so i guess i'll fuck him right like like i haven't had sex

an x amount of time so i guess i'll fuck him yeah Yeah, that's not going to be great either. It's bad. So do what you want to do, and you'll be fine. We got one more. Okay. It's four words. Okay. Where is the clitoris? Okay. It's sure.

Nobody knows. Yeah. Oh, God, they figured us out. We just smashed through the window and will never be seen again. That's why we're right by the exit um i mean i guess like if you want to imagine the the vulva as a triangle or sorry i guess a diamond an oval think a think a diamond or an oval uh there are you'll you'll see sort of like folding in lines. Those are the labia, which is otherwise known as vaginal lips.

Yeah, flaps. The cool way to call them. Yeah. What you're going to want to do is just sort of like trace it down a little bit about like, you know, just a ways from where everything converges at the top. There's going to be a small button covered by a clitoral hood and that is a bundle of nerves

which, hey, let me tell you right now the only organ on the human body just designed for pleasure let's fucking go ladies another way if you're having trouble sort of figuring out or finding it start at the vaginal opening

and sort of trace your finger right up finger up until you find sort of a a resistance of of of stuff um resistance of stuff resistance of stuff you'll feel there'll be i love that album there'll be a a thing there yeah it's and that's the clitoris and also the internet exists yeah google we're not 13 anymore we don't have to like feel around through a pair of jeans like you can just look you're good you absolutely cannot the clitoris is like the eye of sauron you're not allowed to look if it sees you if you stare into the void the void stares back yeah uh no you're fine you just fucking look it up listen to what dane said if you stare into the void, the void stares back. Yeah. No, you're fine. You just fucking look it up. Listen to what Dane said.

If you can't find it now, I'm glad you're still trying. Hey, never give up. Never give up, but come on. There's like a 13-year-old boy in the back running out. How'd you get in here? Hiding in the fucking coats. Yeah, I mean, we could talk a lot. If you don't know where it is, maybe we should talk a little bit about the clitoris?

We'll give you a private lesson if you join our Patreon. Okay, I thought you were going somewhere else with that. Where did you think I was going? I don't know. You did say you'll give a private lesson on the clitoris. Yeah, to the man who asked. Presumably a man. I don't know.

Or maybe not. Maybe not. Who knows? In which case, God bless you. But yeah, just Google it if you don't know there's plenty of fucking diagrams and then i find what every woman loves is just keep asking is that it is that is that is that it yeah you don't even need to try you just like start putting your finger everywhere eventually like yep that's it there you you go. You found it. I will say the one really important thing. That one was a joke for anyone on show.

It's not. It's not a joke. The one thing I think every woman will agree with me is once you do find the clitoris and you start doing something. Once she enjoys the rhythm, immediately change it. Change it up. The second she says exactly like that, just throw a curveball. Yeah, go somewhere else. No.

Also a joke. Okay, so that's going to do us for our middle segment. We've got one more segment after that. So if you have more questions, we would like them. If you need more paper, just let us know. Also, again, we're going to do our shot special. So get tagging, get posting. We'll do it right before we start our next

set yeah, just again if you need paper or pens let us know we'll get you something and if you don't have a public profile and you have posted a thing on your private profile just flag us down and let us look at your private secrets

we'll be back in about 15. Hello. We are back. We're back again, guys. For our third and final set. I guess you guys were just holding out. You were edging in the second one to just blow your question load on the final act. Oh, we got more.

Oh, look at that. I'm going to shuffle them. So we're going to? I only have two. We're going to try to rapid fire this so that we can get through it all. Because at the end of the episode, we jump on online dating platforms and we browse people's Tinder profiles and we rate and review them. So we're going to be doing that as well. So let's get these questions going.

You want to start? Also, welcome to our new people. If you hear us say weird things about push-ups or pasta, don't worry about it. If you don't understand why I keep talking about garlic vaginas, don't worry about it. It's better than it sounds, I promise. Or maybe worse. I don't know. It's definitely better than it sounds.

I think you got to start because you got more than me. Okay. What do you do when your close friends start casually sleeping with their ex again? It's been answered. There we go. And they've had a consistent unhealthy relationship and have admitted nothing has changed.

They're just having sex. Always say nothing? It's tough when it's your friend, but if you're a good friend and they're a good friend, you should be able to just be like, hey, what has changed? Oh, you just already said nothing has changed.

Why are you doing this? You're better than this. Let's go out and we'll meet somebody. Let's get your Tinder in ship shape. We'll send it to fuck buddies. They'll rate it. It'll be great. Yeah, I think it's all going back

to that one high value question right like you need to start seeing yourself or your friend needs to start seeing themselves as a high value whatever in the idea of being like look this person has treated you bad in the past and no matter how good the sex is you're worth more than being treated poorly by someone who repeatedly treats you poorly. Yeah, and I think it is a really, like, it's a hard kind of thing to broach. Like, you really want to make it not seem

like you're blaming them or talking down on them or anything. You don't want to, like, come at them or attack them and just be like, hey, it makes me really sad when you're sad. You know what I mean? I hate hearing that you've had a bad experience again. And we know that he is the one giving you, or she, I don't know if it specifies, they're the one giving you this bad experience. And like,

I don't like hearing that. I'm here for you and I support you, but why are you putting yourself in this situation that's making you sad and by extension me? Because then it's keeping it about you and your care for them. then it's keeping it about you and your care for them and it's not like you're a fucking idiot you're dating your ex which is not the way to go

how did you guys wear these for so long yeah they're really uncomfortable these are fucking terrible not to say anything now I've got those for me I don't want to trash talk I went to Dollarama for you

they are very uncomfortable yes oh that was my question right yeah i got one oh jesus yes just make sure you're very clear to your friend that you care about them you think highly of them and try to get them to think as highly of them as you think of them yes i don't know if any of those words i think it went in the right order that i wanted them to, but you know what I mean. How should a man vet a woman for a relationship? I mean, I think it's the same way as you vet any person vets another person. Time is one of the big things. Yeah, don't jump in.

And that goes for relationships. That goes for moving in. That goes for fucking marriage. I mean, it goes for everything, right? It goes for sex. Take your time. Pace yourself to the level that you or the pace that you want to proceed at. I think it's always better to take more time if you're not.

I mean, we say it all the time. It's a common phrase that I'm sure you've heard before. It's a fuck yes or it's a no if any part of you is on the fence about someone or a part of or like moving the next step into a relationship then don't do it yet like if you don't feel comfortable or if you're a little nervous or you're not sure if it's a good idea to move in with someone don't move in with them yeah right um and those decisions are hard because sometimes you're kind of like put into a position of being like, oh, I'm getting evicted and my partner is moving at the same time and it only makes sense to move in together. It's the sad fact of capitalism that sometimes we're in those situations where, you know. It's tough and sometimes you do have to make those snap decisions.

But always take your time. Once again, we've talked about it a lot, being like if there is something there that you have to sort of convince yourself that there are better aspects of a person. Like if you're like, oh, he's really aloof and he never texts me or he doesn't really talk to me outside of, you know, the times that we hang out. And I, and I know I'm a person that needs a little bit more communication in a relationship, but he's got a great job. Then like take a minute to like really make a really hard stance on what you're looking for and what's important to you. Yeah. And what your expectations are. And if there's anything in the gray area, then maybe don't date that person. Sure. Yeah. And you can always, yeah, you can, you don't have to jump into Yeah. You can always, yeah. You don't have to jump into it. You can always wait. And if they're on a deadline for whatever reason, maybe it's just not right for you yet. You know? Yeah. It's okay. I like to tell people this a lot and I think a lot

of people have a hard time with it. It's like, it's okay if a good thing doesn't work out, right? Like, and it sucks because it's hard to good things rarely come around I find in terms of relationships. It's better to miss a good thing than to ruin a good thing. Yeah. And if you jump into something

you're not willing ready and able for you can often ruin it. Whereas like you might look back and be like damn we would have worked out but you would have worked out

if you would have worked out. You might have worked out in a different circumstance but that wasn't the circumstance you had. And it's also like it's good to like if someone's like hey i i would really like to start dating you exclusively and you're not quite ready and you say hey not quite ready and they're like okay well i'm sort of that's kind of the direction i want to go and if and if you're not quite ready then i'm gonna i might go start seeing other

people and they go see someone else and then you know that doesn't work out however many months weeks years down the line you might then reconnect and be like oh now you're ready and now you're ready and like it might work out in the long run instead of being like i'm gonna jump on this train i'm gonna crash it into a brick wall and they're like just because oh we didn't miss it yeah it's like but it sucks and now we're never gonna talk again or it might not and you meet someone else and then it's all good anyway. Yeah. So don't be afraid of missing something that might look good, but doesn't fit in your life right now.

And I will say lastly, just like trust. If you don't trust your partner, be it your baggage or something they're doing, it doesn't really matter which one it is. If you don't trust them, don't date them. Yep. You know, it could be your fault that you don't trust them. It could be their fault that you don't trust them. But like you can't have a relationship with if you don't trust them, don't date them. Yep. You know, it could be your fault that you don't trust them. It could be their fault that you don't trust them. But like you can't have a relationship with someone you don't trust.

So don't do that to you or them. What if your partner doesn't want to go down on you? Thoughts on celibacy in a relationship? I mean, I feel like that's an extreme jump to the next of being like, you're not going to go down on me. Then no one's going home happy. If like I. I don't think I could be in a relationship where someone wouldn't.

And even like if I met someone there, like I don't like it would need to be a very good reason. Because for me, I would go down on on them again unless we refer to the pasta from the other question you'll get it later i'm sure this is i mean this is we what we've been talking about pretty much this the the unintended theme of the show yeah garlic uh of being like don't overlook things right like you're calling them your partner. But if I started hooking up with someone that I was so wildly incompatible with sexually, I would never get to the stage of calling them my partner. Yeah. Right? And it's like so you've okayed this.

This has been allowed long enough in your sexual life that – do you know what I'm saying? I do. Do you know what I'm talking about? In my eyes, it doesn't matter what I think about it it matters what you think about it and if in your relationship you are okay with it great but i mean if you're if your reaction to it is we won't touch each other ever again sexually then obviously you're not okay with it yeah or if in because we get questions like this all the time where it's like he won't go down on me he wants daily blow jobs again if that's something you like for some reason great if it's something that's gonna breed bitterness and misery fucking why would you be in

that relationship yeah so again we talked about it where it's like self-reflection and communication this is a communication issue where you sit down with your partner and say hey i am not satisfied in the bedroom i would like you to go down on me more and if they're like hey i don't want to do that be like okay why and if they i mean i can't imagine what a good reason would be but if if they don't want to do it and you want them to do it then i don't like it doesn't matter if their reason is good because you shouldn't just have to suffer yeah and we talk about this sorry we don't connect a lot as well where a lot of people sort of like segregate the idea of relationship and sex in a relationship and a lot of people are like oh the relationship is great everything's good but but the sex is bad or but he doesn't go down

on me it's like well they are the same thing They're not two It's not a Venn diagram It's two circles that overlap That is relationship Sex is in that circle And if If the The sex is bad

Then the relationship is bad And I'm not saying that like The occasional bad sex Or flub Or whatever Ruins a relationship What I'm saying is If you aren't happy

With your sex relationship, or sex in the relationship, then it means that there's a problem with the relationship. You can't just be like, the relationship's fine. It's the sex that's bad. It's all one thing. So talk to your partner. If they don't want to do it and you want them to do it,

then it might be time to move on because there's no reason spending your life with someone you're not sexually satisfied with. Yeah. But I will say, with the celibacy question, there are plenty of people who are asexual and in a happy relationship. So if you are asexual and that is why you are celibate in a relationship,

that's fine. Yeah. Again, it's like if you want to be celibate and they want to be celibate. Go for it. Fuck yeah. Yeah. If you don't, why would you suffer?

Yeah, why would you say don't suffer don't put yourself through it just because some guy doesn't want to go down on you What's your experience with tantra in sex none My experience is that a tantric sex account once yelled at me for saying men couldn't have multiple orgasms on an episode And this guy tweeted me and was like, how dare you? He was like, send people to my tantra lessons. And I was like, okay, sure, maybe. But in general, it is a rare occurrence.

It's, yeah. I mean, the only other sort of like tantric, I just know Sting from the police, big into tantric sex. Cool. Have you achieved a mental orgasm a mental a mental orgasm different to a push-up orgasm uh i don't think so uh have you ever heard of the well i mean i guess wet dreams are mental orgasms kind of fair right unless you like secretly jerk yourself off and you don't know because you're asleep or maybe it's like a tooth fairy where someone a fairy

comes in and jerks you off for you. How is that like the tooth fairy? Because the tooth fairy comes, takes your tooth, puts a thing in, and this fairy comes, jerks you off, leaves some semen. Well, you've provided. Okay. Am I the cum fairy? Have you ever heard of those hypnotic things where you put your headphones on and it's meant to just make you cum? Yeah. I mean, there's also ASMR stuff like like that as well but apparently that fucks you up well so

does the hypnotic thing so i did it i did it once and got kind of close just because i was intrigued i was looking through porn it was there uh you just listen to headphones it like gets you off is there no visual component no visual you close your eyes and you listen and it's like what can you give us in the risk of ruining everyone and it's like... Can you give us... In the risk of ruining everyone's pants in this room, can you give me a little sample of what it kind of sounds like? It's just like someone speaking to you and it moves from ear to ear

and it's like a very 360 audio experience and then a lot of it's very unsexual, but you kind of get aroused. But in my head, it was like a lot of it's very unsexual but you kind of get get aroused but like in my head it was like you're gonna come and i was like no i'm not and then i didn't but like it was weird don't tell me what to do weird voice i was i don't know if it was like oh fuck you fuck you i won't do what you tell me um but like i got like i got pretty pretty turned on but in all the comments and it was like, this will ruin you. It's hypnosis.

You'll only be able to come if you listen to this video. And I was like, ah, so I never watch it again. That's what I've heard is that it's one of those things where it kind of fucks with your mental receptors. Again, I don't know how much of this is real. It's like death grip for your mind. Yeah. Okay. Jesus Christ.

Who wrote... How distant of a cousin is it okay to fuck? Oh, boy. Who here is from fucking Alabama? Yeah. Legally, you have to tell me. You have to tell us. Of course, the one East Coaster over there is like, wait, isn't it all right?

I don't know. Are we talking legally, morally, what's the if i knew you're my cousin in any way shape or form i'm just gonna say it's a no i think yeah i think if there's any sort of blood relation anywhere i think it would be a hard pass for me is it okay i don't know't know. Legally, I'm not sure. Is it ethically okay? Isn't the common verbiage that... I don't know if it's third cousins are okay or anything past third cousins is okay.

Third and beyond. Okay, hey, we got audience consensus. All of the East Coasters chiming in today. That's great. Fantastic. What do you guys do? Oh, you're cousins. Come on. Someone, do we have security? Is that a thing?

Can we get this man removed? I had a friend who I'm flirty with compare me to some of our beautiful co-workers and I'm not sure how to take it. He said, right now, Josie, Maggie, and Hillary are at their peak in beauty.

But one day in the future, I think you're going to blow them out of the water. Compliment? Yay or nay? I hate that. I hate that so much. That made my skin crawl I'm sorry but no

Did anyone else feel like they were about to fall into Mambo No. 5 by Lou Bega I got Rita That's That's horrifying Like that's I think that's a nag as well There's nothing good about it

Cause it's like oh you're not hot now, but one day. And also saying that someone's in the peak of their It's being like, those three women about to be garbage women. About to be useless. Any day now, the decline begins. They are teetering on the precipice of uselessness. In a week, they're going to be like,

hey, she is seven days uglier. Yeah. Damn. Wow, Maggie, you're looking irrelevant today. Oh, the decline has not been treating you well. What? Never mind. He just goes into his office, pulls out a whiteboard, moves the magnet of Maggie down and your name up. I hate it.

I'm sorry. None of it's nice. There's so much wrong. Is it a compliment? No. I don't even think it's a compliment he's saying right now not hot maybe one day yeah literally being like you aren't attractive as these people like it's literal it's negging 101 it's the honestly it's like a layer it's like

the shrek of of negging where it's just like every layer, you just keep peeling layers away. Because one, how dare this man comment on the attractiveness of three women who aren't part of the conversation. And future attractiveness of them. And you. Yeah. That sucks right off the bat. And then he pits you against them. And then he says that you're not as hot as them yet. And then, oh, it's so bad.

I hate this man. I'm sorry. Tell him there's a special episode in the alley behind this bar tonight at 11 o'clock. And we will crush him with the crane outside like what almost happened to me earlier. Yeah. Or someone will close their eyes, you yell out his name, and we'll just say a special message to him right now. Yeah. Don't do that.

He's at the peak of his life. Okay. That it? I'm not going to kill the man. I feel like I have to say that legally. You're just going to make his life worse from now on? I will inconvenience him every day. Is it weird to let the cats watch

intentionally yes unintentionally what are you gonna do you can't control a cat so that's the thing let that sounds real fucking premeditated and that's fucking weird all right there's a little cat freak in here mitten scruffy get over here tonight i'm bringing someone over. Hold on. This is the okay zone. Let me just put the cats up on their cat viewing port. I mean, cat tree.

If you could just make sure every now and then. Why don't you give them little binoculars? Yeah. Every now and then if you could just look into that hole in the wall and just go. That would be great. Thank you. Why did you staple catnip to the wall by that hole? What are you talking about? Do I really have to wear this bell?

Why are you covering me in milk and dry food? Okay, now I'm interested. Yeah, that stains kink. Like, if a pet's in the room, once they're not getting involved, like, you kind of got to get over it, I think. Because sometimes ditching the pet is worse uh but if you're like hold on hold on we can't we can't fuck unless i get mittens on this fucking viewing perch that's bad and weird yes yeah that's it i i mean i don't think i would have the heart like sometimes i have to sort of shoot my cat off the bed and be like all right

look i know you're comfy but this is this is adult human time bye but like it's hard to smell like garlic tomato pasta in here chef boyardee is in the house

but like if my cat is sitting in his bed on the floor elsewhere I'm not gonna like run over and turn him around

you've just well you don't need to turn around when you've set up mirrors everywhere that just focus right on the bed so he can't miss it but we're talking about okay the panoptic cat um yeah i mean it's weird if it's if it's intentional weird if it's if they're just there whatever they gotta learn someday

all right cat it's time to learn about the birds and the bees and then it just find the it just it does that like noise the whole time you're trying to the fucking birds i'm so in i'm gonna fuck those birds up uh is there a level of dirty talk where it becomes too much i don't think i was going overboard with it but the person i was hooking up with literally stopped me to ask if I needed to get it to get off. Since I feel judged and I'm unsure how to proceed, I swear it wasn't an obscene amount of dirty talk. If you're going to engage in dirty talk, like most things, communication is really good because some words or phrases or directions dirty talk might go may not be up someone's alley, right? You could be maybe derogatory or whatever, and they don't love that. Or you might be like crazy and they don't like that.

So it's worth establishing boundaries. But yeah, I think just in the middle of sex being like, oh, sorry, do you need that to get off is like shit. Yeah, it's a pretty shit way to deal with it and like shut you down and make you feel insecure. I get that. I think there's I don't know if either one of you handled it great because, yes, as now said, introducing any sort of kink should be kind of discussed ahead of time. Or if it's something like dirty talk start pretty middle of the road yeah like don't jump right into sort of like degradation play and kind of that kind of stuff because like you don't really know a person's history or where they stand with that

certain words might be a hard no yeah uh you could trigger someone real easily with with certain uh verbiage um but at the same time i don't, I think you can ask someone to walk it back, but to, yeah, to be like, do you have to do that to get off? Yeah, that's not great in general. Like, if you're doing anything, it's like, oh, you have to do that? But in bed, worse.

Yeah. I mean, it's one of those things where I think I would be like, well, that is it for me. Just gonna pack it on in. I'm gonna try as Ben Shapiro's wife, so I'm gonna go. Come here, mittens.

We're done. You don't get to watch this. So, yeah, I think both of you might have jumped the gun a little bit, and this is a great learning experience for both of you, where now you get to have a fun conversation and be like, hey, I do kind of need that. It is for me. I love a good Dirty Talk at the height of climax.

Was there something I was doing that made you uncomfortable? Were you just taken by surprise? Let's talk about it. And then hopefully they will return in kind, in a mature way. And then you'll figure it out or he'll be shit and you'll know to move on. Yep. Alright, well, I think it's time for Tinder. I think it is. Yeah, we're all done with questions? Cool.

So at the end of the show, thank you very much. You guys were fucking awesome. We like to hop onto online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge and we peruse them. We look at the profiles. We see what works, what doesn't work. And hopefully it makes your online dating experience

a little more enjoyable. Also, I will... This is audience participation. Yes. So the way this works is very simple. Nell's going to read out a Tinder profile or a dating profile. And then we will take a quick pause.

And you will then, if you like it like it cheer and if you don't like it boo yeah and if you're in the middle of the road maybe go mad maybe hey maybe hey they're usually pretty fucking polarizing but you never know i don't i don't know how many people are gonna feel on the fence about these things all right well we're gonna start off with may uh tinder profile and And her account says, This account is run by May's current boyfriend. I want to find her a replacement before I break up with her. Okay, hold on.

We're going to do a one, two, three, and you guys are going to give us your reaction. Yay. Screaming, cheering for yes. Booze for no. One, two, three. You don't need to know more i well well unless she's complicit and willing did may set this up for be like i'm gonna say no yes it's like did may's boyfriend be like hey may this isn't working out and she was like you gotta get on two weeks notice you gotta You got this, bitch. You got to finish out your term and find your replacement. Okay.

This one is nameless. She's 39. Want to take a bath as friends? No. I'm so into Scottish guys that my nipples get hard when I watch Trainspotting. If you're Irish, replace that with eating potato chips. If you're English, dot, dot, dot. God help you. I started COVID as a horny little badger.

Badger emoji. After the vaccine, I became a full-blown dick werewolf. And my clothes don't just rip off during a full moon, but every damn day. Star, if you said the dick pic, make sure it's cute. One, two, three. Okay, we've got some cheers. We've got some boos. Sorry you can you scroll down again for me i just want to check the the words here sorry i'm i maybe this is just me but if a woman does

describe themselves as a dick werewolf i'm going to marry her see i will say it it does really hurt to give a bad grade to something that does include the terminology dick werewolf it's like what i love is like are they one of those like anti-vax nuts or like not anti-vax so they got it or maybe they had to get it i don't know but like there's all the things like oh you get it it starts your death timer and you die and like she's like no you get it and you get really horny and then she was like wait that sounds great it's like, no, you get it. And you get really horny. So horny. And then she was like, wait, that sounds great. It's like, did they get lost in translation? What happened here?

The only thing I don't really like is the part about getting turned on by fucking train spotting. Because I couldn't think of a less sexy movie than a movie where a baby dies and heroin and someone goes into a toilet. Also, I eat potato chips and get horny for Irish people. That's fucking weird. No, that's great. That's weird. That's totally fine. I'm going to give it a nice old zero.

What? Yeah. A zero? Fine. A one because they said Dick Werewolf. I'm giving it a minus one for everything else. But it's going to stand at a strong nine for Dick Werewolf. This is Stephanie. I have a thing for watching guys suck each other off.

So if you're not into that, on to the next. I mean, okay. At least she's honest. We're going to the next. I mean, okay. So we're going to do a one, two, three. Mostly positive for Stephanie. And you know what? Hey, Alicia is up front. The thing is, you're on Tinder. I don't know how successful this is.

I mean, I guess you're looking for buy guys. Like I guess that's – it's a bad profile. So I'm giving it a two because I think if you gave me more personality and more information, I think you're jumping right to the fucking finish line. Yeah, you're not just a kink, right? But at the same time, at least you're being honest about a i imagine fairly divisive kink so i'll give it a three for that alone just because there's probably some other bad ones in here who knows i got another one here so this is hinge and the first prompt is the world would be a better place with more dot dot taxes for single mothers. I'm hoping you, dot, dot, dot, are not a single mother or are not friends with one.

Three, two, one. Why is this their hill? Why is this the thing where I hear this is where I make my stand? I am absolutely tired of those freeloading single mothers. They've had it too. Oh, fantastic. Is this their profile? No, it's the next one.

Oh, great. Yeah. What the fuck, dude? It's bad. Okay. This is Lacey. They're 33. Their picture is three wall-mounted suction dildos, one of which is from Bad Dragon.

Yeah, one is... It's like a... Two are normal, one is a veiny alien monster penis. Yeah. And they say, do you ever micro those mushrooms, put in a butt plug, then go for a walk until it kicks in? Yeah, me neither. Three, two, one. Confusion. I think we, 1. Confusion.

I think we got confused on that one. Like happy confusion. I think we don't know where that one ended, where it started. You know what? Not our worst. Not our worst. I don't really know. I think for the right people, that's gonna hit home. I'm sure for the right

people, yeah, that's gonna fucking do it. I'm sure for the right people. Yeah, that's going to fucking do it. Yeah. Again, I just wish people gave a little bit more. Hey, that's all the personality you need. I guess. Do you got one, or are we just going to go there? No, that's it.

That's okay. We got one last thing. It's going to be bad sex writing, but in the meantime, thank you. Thank you for coming out. Thank you very much. Can we get a round of applause for you guys

for coming out? Thank you very much. We love get a round of applause for you guys for coming out thank you very much we love you um also a huge shout out to our wonderful bartenders and servers uh at the black sheep for having us and taking care of us tonight thank you we love you um i don't think there's anything else to well it is dane's birthday it is my birthday so does anybody want to sing happy birthday to dane because i know he would love it if I made everyone do it while he sat here so unhappily. I mean happily. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Dane. Happy birthday, dear Jay. Happy birthday to you. That was very sweet, but also a nightmare. Thank you. I'm so glad I could make you this sad. But seriously, thank you guys. We do this every Monday on whatever podcasting app you've got,

and every month here. That's an excellent way. Yeah. We do this show every week. Every Monday we release a new episode. We've got like fucking 200 and something episodes right now. So you've got a lot to listen to if you're interested. You can find us on every podcasting app. Literally everywhere.

You might have to put a star in it, but I think we are finally big enough that they uncensored our name. But if not you can go to fbuddiespodcast.com and find us there yeah uh if you like sci-fi dnd and are in philly december 1st what a weird i don't know hey why not we're doing promos right here i'm just saying yeah we will be at uh pax unplugged if you're in philly for whatever reason yeah but we can't say more than that all right everyone ready everyone comfy for some bad sex writing uh this is a reddit post are you comfy dave i am i can't put my mic down because it keeps reverbing so this is just my life very uncomfortable holding

that up uh so this is a full-ass reddit post the title why can't i live the life that i deserve why can't i have my favorite girl i hate my my life a lot. I love Miley Cyrus, and I hate the fact that I wasn't born in a rich, successful family to be able to pursue her. I'm not even asking to be born directly into Hollywood, as even being born in the Middle East and being rich is enough. I was just born in a bad part of it, a bad, incompetent family who couldn't provide me with wealth or skills or anything worthy. If I was born in a better place, I could be living in a mansion right now, and I could date Miley. I could at least meet her and talk to her, just like those guys can.

I can accept the reality that I'm less of a human compared to those guys. I'm a human being just like them. The only difference is they were born in good places and I wasn't. I'm a failure. But only due to my environment and genetics. I didn't choose to be this. I don't want this life. I deserve better. I love Miley a lot. I think about her every single day. I've done everything to make contact with her. All failed. All my efforts have been put to failure. Not because my plans were bad, but because the world doesn't favor me on my kind. I hate my life. I hate this world. It sounds like this guy has a case of an achy breaky heart. My name is Day Miller. And I'm Niles Fane.

We've been your fuck buddies. Thank you.