F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 273 - License to Creep

Episode Date: January 1, 2024

Did our messed up recording schedule result in us completely forgetting that this episode would be released on New Year's Day?  Absolutely.  Topics include being a shy boy, a boob job for his boobs, being creepier on request, and your wife's date sabotage.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. To be continued... situations. Simply put, we're a sex and dating advice podcast, not question, or we find questions online and we answer them, or we find them from our listeners and we answer them. And this week we're going to be talking about being a shy boy, a boob job for his boobs, being creepier on request, and your wife sabotaging your date with another girl. Damn, I'm excited for these ones. I'm not gonna lie. I got a spicy crop that I was like, should I save

it for the live show? January 18th? But then I decided no. I would gift our listeners. You're so generous. On Monday, the whatever. This is, yeah. We're like one week ahead now, so it's even more confusing for me to get my brain wrapped around.

Our next episode comes out on Christmas. It's not even a Christmas episode. I know. We've already recorded that one. That one's already being edited. Wait, maybe we put our Christmas live show up instead. Oh, God, that will be two weeks ahead. Let's not talk about this. All right.

Before we hop in, i'm going to give you all right we're going to delve into something that's interesting it's not a audience question but it's an audience email oh yes which i forgot about so i'm sorry agent bajink and the subject is another perspective and they say hi guys i've been listening to your show and it's awesome thank you however there's one subject that keeps coming up and I wanted to offer a different perspective. Like you, I couldn't imagine dating someone who doesn't perform oral sex. A year ago though, I met my current partner who doesn't enjoy oral sex. He would go down on me and I could tell he didn't enjoy it. So it kind of ruined the experience. We talked and decided to introduce

toys as an alternative. We got the rose vibrator that does the sucking motion. When he uses it on me, he makes it extra special by kissing my neck, sucking my nipples, etc. It's so hot, and honestly, I don't miss the oral sex at all. I do still go down on him as I really enjoy it. If someone doesn't enjoy eating pussy, but everything else is amazing, there are definitely ways to compromise to both be satisfied.

Yeah. And I agree. 100%. That's wonderful. I'm concerned that we haven't made that clear. Yeah. Because I think you and I both subscribe to this mindset of, if something doesn't work for someone, find an alternative that does. things like if you want to go down on someone great and they enjoy it great and but if they're not reciprocating just because they don't want to or because they're lazy or because they don't prioritize your pleasure that's where the problem is but you guys work together you guys did exactly what we say all the time of being like hey talk about it communicate you know be clear about your

needs but then you found an alternative that replaces that sexual need, right? So it's like you like having oral sex performed on you. He didn't enjoy doing it. And therefore that wasn't a fun experience for you. And then you found these toys and now it's a great experience for you. And that quite literally is kind of the blanket solution to every question we get where it's like talk about it find something that works for both of you and enjoy it yeah make an alternate compromise communicate be chill and be a good lover and like i love this little snapshot because this is exactly

what i want people who listen to the show and everyone to do. Like this is, if we could frame this and be like, Hey, do what they did, you know, and not just in this situation, in every situation, it's like, it's fine.

If you don't like going down on someone once you're okay with not being like gone down on, if that makes sense. Like once you're cool with it, very important. Once they've made compromises and care about you and are willing to put the work in very important. Like this is all wonderful.

And I love it. Yeah. I mean, it all comes down to like, I could, I would also say you would be a hundred percent in your right to be like, sorry, but oral sex for me is a deal breaker.

Like I don't want to have a sexual relationship where oral sex isn't a part of it. And like, you're allowed to do that you're 100 okay to do that but at the same time like you're 100 okay to do this too yeah the trouble with this show is that one there is no answer for everything there's there's shades of gray and the amount of shades of gray, I would say there might be 50 of them. Probably. Honestly, I'd say more. At least 50 shades. The thing is, you have 50 shades, but then you have 50

shades that are darker. Oh, it's true, right? So that's at least 100. And we know that 50 of them were freed, so maybe, I don't know what they've been out there doing. Maybe recreating more shades exactly right so you know and what if some of those yeah there's a free came back and were got darker

are they part of the original 50 that were darker that's what i'm thinking it's like is there 150 is it like is it the 50 the original 50 the darker and the freed or are 50 of the original 100 freed? So there is now just only 50 again. Or were there just 50 which got darker and then were finally let loose from their subservience? That could be it. Damn. We gotta ask. Fuck, who wrote that?

Stephanie Mayer? No no that's twilight it was i believe it was roald dahl who did that yes yes it was willie wonka himself yeah who's jason the giant peach shades of brown oh no please no please wonka don't but no this is great i hope that we've made it clear that it's not oral or bust. But I think this is a... A gross little goblin laugh there. This is like the blueprint for how problems should be resolved. And it sounds like you have a good partner.

And it sounds like you got a good head on your shoulders. And I love it. So hats off. That's it. Hats off. Love it. Hats off. Yeah, my hat will never be back on. And it's like you got a good head on your shoulders And I love it, so hats off That's it, hats off, love it Hats off, yeah, my hat will never be back on And it's your fault Yeah, good First question

I'm not going to give you the title on this one Oh, okay We're starting like that, this is by TroareSadChick9 I'm 19, female And I've been dating my boyfriend, 25 yearyear-old male, since 9th grade, currently year 1 in uni. I've had B-cups since puberty, and I've been pretty insecure of my boobs since they are slightly uneven. However, I've learned to embrace them because they didn't bother me too much, and the only person that's seen my boobs is my boyfriend, who is always super appreciative of me.

However, since the beginning of 2023, I've been going to the gym and getting more toned. With my gym progress, my boyfriend started continuously making comments that my butt and boobs don't match in size. It came to a point where these remarks increased to literal conversations we'd have during dates and lunch, talking about how my boobs were too small now. And eventually I confronted him by saying, what do you want me to do about it? They're not going to grow. He surprised me by saying if I consented, he would pay for me to get a boob job and told me he had been saving up for one. What the fuck? He then said that since we were going to get married, we'd never talked about marriage before, he was investing in me because aside from my boobs, I was absolutely perfect. He also called my boobs his boobs and said that since it meant too much to him, I should really

consider it. He took pictures of me and then he photoshopped them to have bigger boobs to show me how much more attractive I would be. He went low and literally started calling my boobs names, knowing they were uneven and I was insecure of that. Now remember, I've been self-conscious of my boobs since forever. Knowing my boyfriend low-key hates them, though thought he was cool with them so I was humiliated, mangled my self-esteem and pushed me to get the boob job. So I got it two months ago and I look super different. Obviously there's some swelling and it feels slightly fake, but it's honestly super perfect looking and I don't hate it. It's getting softer by the day and I'm liking how even they are. But I broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn't look at him the same way. The whole his boob thing and the month of boob

conversation just made me see him as in an irreversible unredeemable light and he pissed me off so much i kind of did this as payback since he would pay for something he would never see and i want him to be as hurt as i was i know i'm stupid and vindictive that's why i'm here i also had hurt like literal hellfire now his family we were all very close and lots of my high school friends are cyber bullying me and calling me all sorts of names mostly gold digger and whore a few months have been a whirlwind of emotions i know i wasn't And the title is make amends with him or something. I don't know. We have some wonderful memories together and he was my first everything, so I don't want this to end tragically. I still do love him. And the title is Broke up with my boyfriend after getting the boob job he begged for.

Now I'm being shunned. A boyfriend wants to meet to make things right. Woof. This is a lot. That'll wake you up. Yeah, Jesus. Okay, like right off the bat, he's obviously not a good partner. Like,, he's obviously not a good partner. Like, just straight up, not a good dude.

Anyone who weaponizes your insecurities in order to get what they want is bad. Anyone who does that to permanently, I guess not permanently, but pretty drastically change your body. Pretty much is permanent. You know, it's up there in the permanency scale. Yeah. Like, all of those things are manipulative. All of them are self-serving. They're all really, really...

Yeah, like, I can't imagine ever being with someone and actively telling them, like, you're not good enough. This is the worst part of your body like i can't imagine saying that to anyone let alone someone i supposedly wanted to marry or said that i loved or you know i mean like it just boggles my mind that someone could try to convince themselves be like i love you also this part of you is terrible and you should be ashamed of it and i'm going to spend a lot of money to drastically change that for you like that to me makes no sense no so there's that i think we're agreed that you 100 should have dumped him yes 100 i think that, like, I don't think you're in any sort of wrong for bailing on this dude. Now, you add in the extra sprinkle flavor of getting the boob job, taking the procedure and getting the breast augmentation.

Was that a good idea? I don't know. I'm a little on the fence here about this. I would say, like, if we're talking good idea in terms of not getting you in a bunch of trouble with him, his family, and friends, to the point where you have to go on Reddit to ask for advice, it was a bad idea. But, at the same time, do you really care if this guy's mad at you it's like look i when i start reading this question i was so worried it was gonna be like i got the boob job and i'm miserable i'm pretty happy that you're happy that's what's coloring my opinion right she's looking at and she's kind of feeling herself and it looks like she or it seems like she actually

doesn't mind the procedure i'm'm worried that it is being the, the, the tented glasses are from years of insecurity and the manipulation and abuse and bullying from her boyfriend that might be coloring that true, that approval. Yeah. But like worries of that aside and worries of like, Oh,

now that you've broken the seal, what else? Where do you stop? You know, what else do you change? Because I've seen it happen and it's a slippery slope and it's awful. But the less critical part of me is like, hell yeah, it's the tax for being a big piece of shit. And it's like, hey, there was no guarantee that you weren't going to break up with them in five months anyway. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Just because you buy someone a fucking boob job doesn't mean they're yours forever. You know. But at the same time, do I advocate for bitterly taking advantage of people and effectively like taking money and or services from them as revenge? I don't because I think it's not a safe thing to do. So here's my thing. I didn't get the sense that like that was the plan of being like, I'm going to get this and immediately break up. I got the sense that like she got it. And then like afterwards was like, I can't, the problems were non-reconcilable.

What's the word for irreconcilable? Well, she does literally say I did this as payback since he would pay for something he would never see. And I want them to be as hurt as I was. Okay. Fair. So yeah,

it was revenge. It was premeditated because I was going gonna say it'd be different if like if you get it and then you're like and then he got all gross again he was like oh there's my titties or whatever you know i mean then i'd be like yeah which he obviously was going like this guy sucks he's he is irredeemable nothing was gonna get better you know what i mean and like i will bet you money that within a year he'd be like Oh your lips babe Oh your lips now that you've gone to the gym Your lips don't match your butt

Which match your ass Let me get photoshop out Let me just see where I can And that's the other thing I don't know if Oh his parents are mad who gives a fuck I don't give a shit about any of the parents Well that's not true

A lot of my ex's parents were really nice really cool fuck yeah but i really wouldn't be too concerned like if someone if one of my ex's parents was like i think that podcast you make is crude then i'd be like i don't fucking care john we literally talk about james mcavoy coming in the box dude yeah we know it's like fuck is right there in the name i'm not too concerned spotify or instagram tells me it's crude every fucking day bro yeah and also it's like to me it's if the person in question is super shitty as this guy is and the parents are like oh my god how dare you hurt my sweet boy it's like either they know and

they're cool with it or they don't know and it's like how are you going to explain it to them it's like whatever they get a pass to his parents of course they're going to be on his side right i also feel like even with the friends just being like oh sorry i didn't realize that you were on the side of the dude who verbally and mentally abused me into the point of making me get a boob job to change my body because he wanted to control exactly how I looked like, I'm sorry, is that the side you want to take? Because if that is, if they are like, yes, that is the side I want, that's the line in the sand I want to draw, then it's like, cool, you're a shit person. I won't be your friend anyway. Yeah. So I think like, you know, look, do I think this guy deserves a lot of this? Sure.

Do I think it's a smart idea to do in general? Probably not. Again, safety is an issue, right? I don't know how much this costs, but people kill over money all the time, right? But you've already done it. So don't meet him. Don't meet him. Don't meet him.

I don't think there's any reason for you to meet this shithead who now is angry at you. And like he, as we said, he's irredeemable oh you still love him i don't think you do you broke up with him and he sucks so it's like you probably just feel weird or bad or pressured or whatever and it's like well it's he was here her first everything right it's like exactly we've talked about it in the past when breakups like when you break up with someone they leave a them shaped hole in your, and all of a sudden it's like you don't have the comfort of whatever they might have provided. You know what I mean?

Even just like going to an empty bed and sleeping alone is a big change for people. Even just like your schedule. You know what I mean? Yeah. They imply they have a schedule. Your life has a rhythm, and it matches theirs. So without that, you kind of stumble. Don't meet up with him. I don't think there's anything

to be gained here. He's going to ask for you to date him again or for the money back or threaten you or blackmail or something, right? It's not going to be like, hey, I realize I have been shitty and I understand what you did and it's fair. Take my free boob job and we'll go on our separate ways. That's not going to

happen. And if it's going to, he can text you that. Yeah. If you are like, you said you moved right. Because of all this. Yes. Just cut those ties. Like again, you've done this thing,

right? You don't need him. You don't need his parents. You don't need his friends. If you've moved, cut ties, get on with your life. Yep.

Block everyone on social media. Like don't keep taking the abuse because you think you deserve it either exactly like don't think that this is your penance for being petty once it's like fuck it the guy fucking treated you like shit you know took advantage of his money and now you're profiting in your personal life but also like now taking a little bit of abuse for your actions and fuck it like you don't need to do that. I don't think what you did was necessarily harmful

to anyone, right? Or perfect. I don't think... You're in one of those 50 to 150 shades of gray, right? Yeah, I don't think you... It would be different if... No, even then I wouldn't really give a shit.

I was going to say if you financially ruin this, too, but it's like he had savings specifically for this. He was going to spend this money anyway. And if he couldn't afford doing it, then that was his own fucking problem. And let's be fair. It would be the same if you were like, oh, you know, somebody saved up and bought me a fucking two thousand dollar iPad or some shit. And then you broke up the next day. It's like if you're not willing to give someone a gift if the thing you're buying

for them is contingent on them staying with you don't do it. Yeah, because it's not a gift at that point. It's a shackle. Yeah, it's a sentence. You've sentenced them being like you can have this but only as long as you stay with me and the second you stay me, I take it away from you.

Yeah. So advice for anybody dropping a big purchase on somebody, there is no guarantee. So it's like if you're scared or uncomfortable with that fact, then don't spend that much money or don't get that thing. You know what I mean? It shouldn't be contingent. It should be a gift for gift's sake. And I will say there are things that like, there are big purchases that maybe you do need a contract for things like buying a house, buying a car.

Like if you're doing something with a partner and it's a major purchase, that is something that you can't split or share or be like, you know what? It was a gift. It's fine. Keep it. It's yours. Like if you're buying a house with someone, or if you're buying a car with someone or you're buying something huge like that, then it might make sense to have the foresight. And it's never the most romantic conversation, but to be like, hey, here's the

plan. If we ever split, here's what we're going to do with this. Here's the plan. We're going to sell it. We'll split the money even, or the other person will buy the other person out like whatever it is and get it in writing like have that introduced into the purchasing of the thing and don't be the person that's like wait why did you even bring up us breaking up are you like it's a responsible smart adult thing to do because we all know it can happen so like you being the partner is like how dare you even suggest that fucking sucks so much shit. Yeah. Like I said, it's not a romantic conversation.

It's a pragmatic one. And it's one that will serve you. Should something go like it's a preemptive boon and it will make your relationship transition a lot better, right? Like no one wants to go into a breakup, having to figure all this shit out so it's like it's a nice peace of mind just think of it as peace of mind but anyway for this person

i was about to exit out of this question and i realized they just said they're 19 he's 25 and they've been dating since ninth grade huh dating and she's in first year in uni, which presumably means she was underage when they met. Yeah, there's no like a six year age difference is. Yeah, that's fucking gross. I just I never that didn't even ping for me until right now. Oh, fuck. Call the police. Yeah, because like what?

Ninth grade. Like, I guess. Presumably 3 years ago Right? Yeah, she would have been like 16 3-4 years, yeah What the fuck? Yeah, he would have been like 22-21

Yeah Oh god Only way you should meet up with him is to either Point at him and be like, yes officer, is this man here? Or to get him to give you more money Yeah Ugh, okay, officer, is this man here? Or to get him to give you more money. Yeah. Okay, hit me. Terrible.

I don't remember which question. Oh, yes. Yes, I do. This is from Accurate Elderberry1. My girlfriend wants me to be creepier about sex. My girlfriend recently opened up to me about wanting me to be creepier about wanting sex with her. Like, sneak into my bed and masturbate while sniffing my underwear kind of creepy. Her exact words. Unfortunately, we live together, so she doesn't have her own bed, but she's gone to great lengths

to partake in my sexual fantasies, and I'm not just really sure how to be creepier for her. Normally, I'd like to just ask her as we communicate a great deal about sex, but I get the sense that I would ruin it for her if I was just doing what I was told. I suppose I'm just looking for ideas. It's our time to shine, baby. Let's creep this man out. Trenchcoat. Trenchcoat.

Get a trenchcoat. Get a mustache. Don't shower. You've got to get a mustache. 100%. Start rummaging through her coat while licking your own arm. I think what you need to do is do...

You've seen the Santa Claus with Tim Allen, yes? Yes. So you know how in the transition where he's slowly starting to become Santa, where he puts on a little weight and then the beard and then it starts graying and everything. So I think you slowly start transitioning into that ideal pervert of like you know you start growing

a little bit of like scraggly facial hair and then it's just the mustache and then you get those like bottle glasses you leave websites open for like kijiji ads for panel vans like you're looking to buy though you know what i mean it's like and just really start like make it a whole sort of like transition into creepy pervert man now look we're we both craft narratives real creative people i don't think we need to go with the most basic pervert oh what. What about soul patch pervert? Oh, kind of like a new age cult leader. What if it's like a cult leader? Because that's the thing.

You're going to surprise her. You're going to surprise yourself. It's a lot more fun. She's going to know after you get the mustache and the glasses, she's going to see panel van coming a mile away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Right? And maybe halfway through cult leader, get the panel van coming a mile away yeah yeah yeah yeah you know right and maybe halfway through

cult leader get the panel van anyway oh that's a two-for-one pervert special yeah i like that i like that idea of being like just constantly sort of like telling her that her you know her chakras are out of line and that she's gonna need to be like oh oh your bra's gotta go let me just get that off you for you and then like did you know one for like the wire blocks jesus christ's influence so we gotta get that out of the way gotta get that off you yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean like oh underwear underwear stops your what's the like the new age word for vagina or like the oh you're yoni you're your only yeah the underwear the cotton gets in the way of the Yoni. It's a Yoni blocker.

No. It's a Yoni blocker. You're Yoni constrained? A Yoni is like your spiritual mouth. Would you like cloth all over your mouth like those idiots in the government want you to do to stop this fake virus? Go full anti-vax. Go full anti-vax. You know what?

I'm thinking. I don't know where I'm getting this idea from. It just must be the dark recesses of my mind. Open up Photoshop and start editing different parts of her body to how you'd like them to be. That's pretty creepy. But hey, here's the thing.

Use parts of your mom. So there's your girlfriend's picture and then a picture of your mom and just slowly start like photoshopping and don't do a good job like make it look like those creepy like magazine cutouts well you know the eye is like one too big and the arm is the wrong size instead of actually using photoshop properly get pictures cut them out and scan them in and don't resize them just see whatever the scanner decides the size is that's

it look you need to talk you can't have a license to creep you know what i mean it's not james bond you can't just have free range creep powers because that way lies like the sheer like with great power comes great responsibility with the free range to creep however you want oof there's a line you're gonna look into the abyss and the abyss is gonna look back and I think I think it might be intoxicating

I think you might fall too deep into the creep hole I also worry that you're gonna be like if I do this it's gonna be too little so I gotta start big and look bud you get one shot. And if you aim the wrong way. Yes.

I think you definitely need to, and like preface it with your partner and be like, Hey, look, I'm not looking for specific examples. I don't want you to tell me what to do, but I need sort of a, I would like you to walk through a scenario where what, like, I need a little bit of guidance because I want to do this right for you. I want to fucking nail it for you. And in order to do that, I need a, an appetizer, right?

Like I need to taste what you want me to serve up. So a lot of people in the writing community, they do these things. It's almost like a look book for like, you know, a film or whatever, where they have this document or like a Pinterest board where they just pin a bunch of like, you know, if it's a dark academia book, it'll be like quotes and like pictures of like old schools and like uniforms and blah, blah, blah. And it's like the vibes and whatever. So start a really creepy, get whatever so start a really creepy get

her to start a really creepy pinterest and share it with you i mean i don't know how much give me your creep board let me see maybe maybe like a porn hub playlist sure hey you know what that works right yeah i think that might be a great idea or if she's like you know reads fan fiction of this type because i feel like someone who has this kind of kink has some sort of media that they're pulling from for sure for sure like they've seen this somewhere or have ideas or something it's like maybe even like even just what's the one the netflix show about the guy who stalks people? Oh, You? Yeah.

It's like, maybe she saw that and she was like, ooh, I kind of like this idea, right? So maybe it's something as simple as like... With your man, everyone likes it. Yeah. Ken Badgerly or something? Badger Boy? He's so hot. Badger Boy?

Badger Pen Boy. Okay. I've never seen a single second of that show. That's not true. My ex watched it, I believe, and I walked in once and I was just like, what the fuck is happening? Badger Panboy. Okay. I've never seen a single second of that show. That's not true. My ex watched it, I believe, and I walked in once and I was just like, what the fuck is happening? But that was a lot of stuff that they watched. You can see edits where, you know, like Big Bang Theory, where it's without a laugh track and it's just unwatchable.

Yeah. So in his, in their thing. I will say, Big. There is also unwatchable with the laugh track. So I pay, I agree fully, but there's a thing where they take out all the like internal like dialogue or like the monologue, the narrator. And it's just so many scenes of him. Just like,

someone's like, Hey, how are you doing? And he's like, I shouldn't do a one minute block, but then he's just like, fine, it's a good show. or there are some good parts

what are we even doing that's my one of my favorite videos is someone did a wonder years episode where they did the same thing where it's just like they cut out all of the narration because I assume it's probably the same thing and it's just like scenes like five minute scenes where people have said like four things

to each other and otherwise they're just staring blankly at each other while like sort of like squinting and like crinkling their eyebrows and stuff it's fantastic i love it it's like garfield without garfield there is also a very funny like edit while we're in the christmas season of i think it's the santa claus recut as a horror trailer yes okay so ask her for examples and specifically two things safe word establishing you need to do that just in case you know you're going too far and two ask her what she does not want yeah what is too far what flavor of creepy is not her brand you know what i mean and yeah i don't think there's a way to do this safely without the conversation and if she's like you've ruined it by asking like then i don't think she's a responsible sexual partner that's something i've really noticed recently in sort of like

the kink community because i've been on some dating apps specifically field which kinds tends to be like a little kinkier and i found that like when you talk to people on those things and you ask for clarification or like i once matched with someone this is a while ago on tinder or bumble and they were very into or like they wanted to explore consensual non-consent and i was like cool i have experience with that but like certainly like there's a conversation that needs to be had, but they wanted, like they wanted me to come over, like having never met them,

having never had a drink with them, having like never having a first date and essentially like break into their apartment and, you know, engage in a CNC scene. And I was like, this is so absolutely incorrect that like, this is absolutely not the way to do it. I was like this is so absolutely incorrect that like this is absolutely not the way to do it

I was like one I for my own safety I can't go into someone's house and like having never met them and pretend to commit crimes like that for me is such a scary idea standing between you and that being a real

crime is like a message you got on a dating app i guess yeah you know what i mean like yeah that's you need to be responsible to shit and yeah i've just found that like recently like a lot of people are very interested in getting into kink which is great but don't have the vocabulary to safely explore it and it's just like and one of the like they didn't want to have a safe word it. And it's just like, I'm one of the, like, they didn't want to have a safe word. And I was like,

I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I was like, you want to participate in our potentially traumatic situation and you don't, and you don't want to have a safe word with a complete stranger. So what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, I've never noped out of something so fucking fast.

Especially for you because like part of that is someone saying like no stop so it's like but but which one is is it real no or bad like no fucking awful never do that have the communication again i'll say it again if you're trying to talk to someone about their kink and they're like oh you ruined it good you shouldn't enact in that because if they don't know what they want and they don't have the vocabulary to explain it and the wherewithal and sexual maturity to meet you halfway and be a good partner, they shouldn't be engaging in it. Yeah. They can't just be like, guess, get it right. Guess like, fuck off.

No. So talk to her. All right. Ready? Yes. We're going long on these questions We've teased four questions and we've done two Hey, don't worry, this one's very long

Torre239591 My 25 year old male, wife, 23 year old female And it is important that wife is in quotation marks Okay Sabotage my date with another girl and is flirting with me Just for context My wife and I grew up in a religious cult in which you have to donate a money to your girl's father and he can improve

the marriage in change. Don't know what that, in change? I don't know what that means. I guess in exchange. We were friends and I bought her when I was 19 because her father wanted to accept an offer by another dude she hated. We were able to work and study at university thanks to our facade marriage and always intended to leave the cult after we had stable jobs, which we have now. We lived together ever since our marriage, we have different rooms, split the bills, and can date whoever we want. A couple of months ago, we went to our hometown for a few days to see our families, and she kissed me a lot. We were both single, which we never did, but it would have been weird if I refused too many kisses when we had to act married. After that, we went to the Airbnb room for the night,

we got a bit drunk, and she kept making sexual jokes, and we ended up having sex. We didn't even talk about it and kept acting married for the rest of the time there, and then dropped it when we came back home. It was really weird. Then I had a girl flirt with me like a month later at a mutual friend's graduation party, and she interrupted and said to a friend of hers, I want to introduce you to my husband. Also, she's been very moody when I told her I was talking with a girl, and she invited her brother home exactly the day I was supposed to go on the first date. So I had to reschedule another day, and she told me those days she wanted to go out for her aunt's birthday. We never went to her birthday before. Also, she looks happier since when the girl said she didn't want to date me anymore

and is trying to get more physical more often, like hugs or tickling me. Two days ago, we were out to buy stuff for the house and it felt like we were an actual couple. I can tell she felt it too. Now there was this weird tension. Then yesterday, she was messing with my hairs and I really wanted to kiss her. I can't stop thinking about it since then. I don't know why, but saying hairs that way

really wigs me out. Yeah, I don't like it either. Messing with my hair. I've been talking about divorce for a while, but she's been making excuses and saying, we'll talk about it later. And we never do. I'm really confused about all this. I've never been so attracted to someone before, and she's a great person. We always had a great chemistry as friends and housemates. There were also moments in the past I thought about her this way, but never this

intensely. I'm becoming really attracted to her. I always impose myself not to do anything about her because it would look like abusing my position of power as I literally bought her and was still paying back the loan. But then again, now we're independent and we split everything. Is it okay if I want to date her? What should I do? If I date her, should we still get a divorce first or just date and see what happens? Wouldn't it be weird to start dating with someone who's technically my wife? I think I'm going crazy and I need to make a decision soon. I very much doubt I will be able to not kiss her if she messes with my hairs like that again you had to bring it back

you had to say hairs again we need to buckle down and get laser focused on this one, I think you both desperately need therapy you grew up in a sex cult you definitely need to process this trauma this is a horrible thing for people to grow up in

you need to resolve this with professional help. That I think is the first thing you need to do before you make any steps to, I don't think there's anything wrong with slowly becoming attracted to someone that you have been intimate with and lived with and grew up in a traumatic experience as well. Regardless of, like, how nice your cult was, it's still a cult.

So, I think there's a little bit of, like, I'm surprised it took you this long. To be honest, I think the danger is getting into this without fully understanding what happened. I want to say, hey, go for it, dude. Like, if you guys are both feeling each other... It's kind of cute.

From my point of view, I think you have the mental capacity to actually benefit from therapy because you say, hey, I don't know if this is right because I do have a position of power of having actually purchased this woman. I want to make sure that she feels safe and doesn't just feel like she has to because

I bought her. That makes me feel good about this question because I feel like you understand the situation beyond the I like her. We had sex. What now? Right. Like, I think you have a bigger picture mind, and I think that's really important. But I really do not think you should do anything until both of you have pursued therapy I also want to know like if they're

seeing other people or have been seeing other people kind of with the regularity that this person seems to be doing because if she could still have ingrained things where like oh I have to let him do it because like I'm the wife because in these cults the women typically

don't have very much power, autonomy, whatever. Well, if you're being bought and sold, yeah, absolutely. Exactly. But even then, like, in the relationship, it's just kind of like you do what husband lord tells you. So, you know, is she letting you do those things, but she's not letting herself do them? And at some point is like, maybe I should have husband and you're just the option, right? I want to say get divorced and then start dating because I think that's very funny and cute.

Yeah. But also divorces are messy and long and cost money depending on whether you're just like a real marriage that needs to be divorced. I don't know the legalities of whatever your cult does but therapy for sure and then have a talk like you haven't talked about any of this you're just going like oh we did this we did this i'm reading into things fucking talk about it be like hey i noticed you know your brother came on the day i had this date blah blah blah you introduced like if she doesn't typically introduce you as her husband in social settings be like hey why did you do that

why did that change like that's obviously something we need to talk about because presumably you guys talked about not doing it right and also like they haven't talked about having sex either yes that's another weird thing and like you can't just leave that hanging in the room yeah so you really need to have a chat. I think therapy, 100%. And like, again, if you guys have talked about it, honestly, and, you know, bring up the cult and bring up any lingering influence, bring up your concerns of the power imbalance. Go to therapy and then be honest about your feelings and how they feel. And, you know, if you're both consenting adults that live your own lives have your own jobs have freedom i don't see anything wrong with it once

you really give it the thought and time it deserves yeah 100 i think you need to like be very very clear about to having this conversation and like, I don't want to pursue anything until we've spoken to a therapist. That is a very important thing for me. And just let her know. Cause like, she might be like, no, I'm fine.

And it's like, well, I don't want us to be the one to say that we're good. I want to speak to someone. I want to talk to someone. I want them to like, you know, be like,

Oh, we're seeing professional help. We're talking to a therapist and they're the ones who are like, oh, we're seeing professional help. We're talking to a therapist. And they're the ones who are saying, yes, this is a good idea. Yes, I think this will benefit you. Yes, I don't think you're rushing into things. I think you need an outside professional opinion before you just say, like, this is a good idea. Yeah.

And frame it that you want to help yourself. Like, it's for you. But it's also for, you know, it's for you first and foremost, because they can't be like, nope. But also that you care about them and you want to make sure it works out for both of you. Yeah, that's the thing. If you want to be like, hey, I'm actually really interested in pursuing this relationship with you. I just want to make sure that if we do it, it has a chance and isn't going to be tainted by our experience. Because I think that's really, really important.

Two last things. I will say one, start slow. You know what I mean? Like, I really like this idea of you actually starting to date your wife. And I think you should do that. I think you should start off like you would with any other relationship. Do like little dates, like try to build because one, very cute. Two, I think if you jump too far into it, it might be a bad idea. With any other relationship, do little dates. Try to build. Because one, very cute.

Two, I think if you jump too far into it, it might be a bad idea. And also, you miss out on all the fun stuff. Three, or two, however you want to count it, stop saying hairs. Yeah, don't do that. She pulled my hair. It's hair.

Unless you have a weird group of sporadic hairs somewhere and that's what you're talking about. Maybe like a weird hairy elbow. Or she's like individual ones. That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking like maybe she's like she's got she rubs your hair, but she's also like braiding your armpit. Like it's like those are your hairs, right? Multiple hairs.

Okay. All right. Hit me with that question. We gotta go. This one, I think I think we can get this one quick. Is it okay for me, a guy, to be shy and want a dominant girlfriend? I'm pretty shy and passive. My ideal girlfriend would be pretty dominant sexually, like pushing me up against the wall,

grabbing my hand and pulling me into bed, and being on top, riding me hard when we fuck and putting her hands where she wants them. I also want a girl who'll always be big spoon, hold me and let me rest my head on her boobs. She'd ideally wear the pants in the relationship i'm not sure if it's a bad or odd for me to want this because i feel like guys are expected to be the strong dominant ones fuck what society thinks it's totally fine for this once you're not like foisting it on someone who doesn't want it you know what i mean like you just start dating people and then being like no you always have to be big spoon no you have to be like that's shitty but if you find someone who likes that great yeah i promise

you hey this is the best time ever for you and you're living muscle mommies oh yeah dominant women there are women out there who are now reclaiming sort of like they're not playing by as now said societal rules and women are more dominant than ever they're more assertive than ever and this is being celebrated which it should be it always should have been right we should celebrate the personalities of the individual as opposed to the expectations of society so i do not think you'll have i think you'll run into trouble i think there will be people who will judge you i think there will be people who criticize you i think that on social or like dating apps and stuff i think the average woman would probably balk at this i think you'll get a lot of abuse in that way but i think you need to frame it as that's not you

doing something wrong. That's people being uneducated. Yep. And you're good. Nothing wrong with it. We did it. Nailed it. Nailed it.

At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating platforms, see what works, see what doesn't work and never to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Now I did have someone send one of these in, so it's going to take a second for me to pull it up because literally talking about this question here reminded me of it. This was sent in from a friend of ours, and this is Christina. It's a bumble about me.

If you're a radical leftist, use pronouns, subscribe to the notion of toxic masculinity, and engage in poly open E&M relationships. Please swipe left. No judgment, but my thumb needs a break from swiping through the myriad of soy boys. Heteron monogamous, feminine, libertarian. I N T J. Wait, they said that about themselves at the end? Yeah. Damn.

This person is spectacular. Also, like the world wouldn't function if we didn't use pronouns get really confusing it's my favorite fucking thing in the world when people are like i don't use pronouns i hate to tell you this is a pronoun you you just did i 100 is a pronoun my dude yeah this is zero it's just so fucking stupid that's just kind of embarrassing honestly i love the idea of being like i don't believe in all this i don't believe in this i don't believe in that but i do believe in the fbj it's like but you do believe in sort of like the way i think the myers-briggs i think is what that is. And it's just like, okay, sure. Yeah.

I hate your alphabet soup. I'm INFPJ. It's like, that one's actually dumber. Yeah. By far. Okay, this is blank. They're 33. What do I bring to the table?

Hostility. I am no one's piece. I wake up with questions. I may be cute slash fun, but I'm also horrifying in ways you won't immediately realize see this sucks because I think that like there are people in my life there are women in my life who if they said that would be fucking hilarious and very charming

true but in a like wonderful way yeah but I feel like i wouldn't take the risk on these profiles there would need to be a picture in there that would like really have to sell me on like the persona knowledge showing me the picture and i don't think this is it i don't think it adds to like there's nothing like it's a pretty standard photo you know what i mean so it doesn't give me playful vibes right i would i don't know now if it's dead serious are you actually horrifying are you actually hostile is it i am like no one's peace i wake up with questions that's what does that mean honestly such a bold statement i love I'm going to give it a four for the pure poetry of this profile, but also for the fact that I wouldn't swipe on it.

I think I'm going to give it a three. I got great ones. Keep going. Oh, okay. No, if you got great ones, go, because I'm just on Tinder looking at the basics. So this is blank. The man is wearing a powerful outfit, which includes literal rose-tinted glasses and a cowboy hat,

so I can't help but read this in a country twang. Don't feel special. I just swap right to see what it yields. Damn. That's... Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I love that about him. I mean, like,

look, dude, like, that that is you've just described what online dating is yeah but you didn't need to say it you didn't need to say it you're being weird and kind of a dick yeah by saying it like i mean yeah it's really bad it's sort of like muddling down a really shitty platform into sort of its worst stuff. So it's going to be a two for me, Doug. Yeah, it's going to be a two. This is Blank 326. Shoot fast. Eat ass. Looking for someone

to party hardy with and jam out to some screamy music. Usually biking on a mountain somewhere. My stick is better than bacon. Is your stick your dick? I assume it is. Also, a picture of them drinking in the car while smoking and giving the middle finger.

Yeah, that's... I've never seen... He does kinda look like Dirtbag version of the Arrowverse Superman a little bit. And it, uh... Man, I think... What are you shooting?

Shoot fast? Are you shooting guns fast? That's very irresponsible. Or is he talking about ejaculation? Do you come quick? That's why he's got to eat the ass. I think there is, again, I'm not a gay man. I have no interest in penis in a sexual or romantic way but i think if anyone referred to their penis as

their stick i think i would become i don't think it's real but i think i would become super straight at that point in time i think it would push me into the category above straight if some man referred to their penis in a romantic sexual like trying to entice me way as their stick i think it would be like oh i've gone up into whatever is further away from queer yeah my stick is better than bacon is also poetry though like these last few have been choice. I'm going to give it a three. You know, I'm going to give it a four. And the reason I'm giving it a four is because I feel like it has personality. Sure.

And for the right person who's going to see this cigarette-wielding, car-drinking, middle-finger-pumping, ass-eating, fast-shooting, bacon-beating, stick drinking, middle finger pumping, ass eating, fast shooting, bacon beating stick wielding, man. I think it's gonna do it for someone. I think it's a two. Sure. You know what? It's not actively offensive, apart from referring to it as a stick, right? But that's a choice. Hey,

you're not gonna convince me otherwise. It's a two. Sure. Forever and always. Last one. 34. Felon. It's a two. Sure. Forever and always. Last one. 34. Felon. Recovering addict. Retired drug dealer.

Everything your mother told you to stay away from. But I guarantee she still loves me. Winky face. Let's have some fun. I mean, it's great that you've moved past all those things. Right? It's good that you're moving through it. Is it necessary information on a dating profile? I'm kind kind of torn i appreciate that you're getting that out there you know the thing is is like

unless it's pertinent to your immediate situation yeah i think this is something that can come up naturally you do need to tell people probably the first one that you're a felon and probably that you're a recovering addict is it gonna be on the dating profile i don't know because like depending on what you're addicted if he's getting over like alcoholism or whatever i think that would come up pretty naturally being like hey do you want to grab a drink it's big actually i'm recovering i don't like to drink anymore you know let's go to this place and like i think that's a better way of doing it than being like here's a bunch of things that typically aren't great. Yeah.

I think he's shooting himself in the foot. I think there is better ways and better times to reveal this information. I'm wondering if he's gotten to a point before revealing them and people have bailed to the point where he's like, fuck it, putting it up front. If you're willing to look back, you know,

and I don't really fault him for that. If that is the case, if it isn't, I agree with you. willing to look back you know and i don't really fault him for that if that is the case if it isn't i agree with you we're like you probably are stopping people from getting to know you before and also no if that's not you right you are more than just your past so if you want to do this sure if you If you don't, whatever. But give me you. Give me your personality, what you're into, right? That's my concern is it seems like that's what he's hanging a lantern on. Like, that's who he is. That he is a recovered drug dealer. He is a retired drug dealer. He is a recovered addict.

He is a felon. You know what I mean? It's like, those are who he is, and that's what he's going to, like, that's what he wants to broadcast out and i feel like that is not a flavor that is conducive to fun if well i also if this is the snapshot you want to give of me i don't really want to partake in that tableau also you're probably going to attract the wrong people right you mean if someone's like fuck yeah i want to date like You know what I mean? If someone's like, fuck, yeah, I want a date, like, you know what I mean? Like, if you're trying to get your shit together, I think you're probably only

going to attract people that are like, yeah, fucking felon, yeah. Like, you know what I mean? I just, I don't know. So, I don't know. I think you could tailor this a little bit more. Find a more light-hearted way to get the, like, the felon bit out and then leave the rest to, like, no one needs to know that you're

a retired drug dealer. It's nothing unless you are being hunted down by the cartel, in which case I think it's irresponsible of you to be dating. But then you could just say being hunted by cartel, and not only does that get the point across a little bit more, now it's exciting, right?

Yeah. I think this one here, I think, is the one. No, one's got to be offensive. I think this is another two, because I don't think there's anyone who's actively looking for this. Well, I know there probably is, but I think you're doing yourself a great disservice

by not having any information about yourself, and you literally putting yourself in this box and nothing else. Yeah. Now, I have one more, but I'm not going to do it because we don't have time. I love you guys. Thank you for being here.

Happy holidays. Even though God knows when this episode is going to be released. I believe this will be our new year's day episode. I think so. Oh God. Oh no. We didn't even say happy new year yet. Oh,

I talked about Christmas. Happy new year. Happy new year. Yeah. We, God. Oh, our Philly trip really fucked our schedule up

But the best thing is We're ahead Which I think for most people would be a Success like a win state But for us it's ruining our lives Yes so Welcome to 2024 You did a great job

I hope it's so good Which sucks because I really do want to do like a little like what did we do maybe we'll do next episode next episode we'll do like a year in review we'll talk about things yada yada so on and so forth here's the thing here's what i want to talk about real quick get serious we're okay the end of the year and the start of the year is a moment where a lot of people do big things and we talk about all the of the year and the start of the year is a moment where a lot of people do big things and we talk about all the things you accomplish and talk about all the big goals and there's a lot of like retrospective looks i know i'm gonna do one i know now i'll

probably do one i'm just being like what we accomplished this year was really really good for both of us professionally in terms of both of our shows had a lot of success a lot of that is in part to you guys and we can't thank you enough. But I just want to really, really hammer home the fact that just getting to the end of the year is accomplishment enough. If you don't need, don't hold

yourself to the standards of other people, it's, you're good, you're fine, just getting through is all we want you to do. The fact that you're here is enough for us. Let's do bad sex writing because I forgot we had to do that. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvesties for their song Paper Stars. And also, just because things are bad right now or whatever, success doesn't just happen. And there is a long period in between hard work and success where it feels like nothing's happening.

So your bad end of year might now be your good end of year next year. You know what I mean? And last year, I was fucking miserable. There you go. This is going to be quick. Some bad sex writing here. Being a short man in 2024 is like being a witch in Salem. 1692.

Damn. It's true, man. Stay strong, short kings. Stay strong. My name is Dave Miller. Short Kings are out here being crushed by rocks. And I'm Niall Spain. And we have been your fuck buddies. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. Five, four, three, two, one. Happy New Year. I mean, this is on New Year's Day. It's already happened. Fuck. I fucked up again. God damn it.