F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 274 - Mexican Third Date

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

Listen, if your mom isn't going on our romantic destination third date, I'm not interested.  Topics include escalating your dates too quickly, banging the band, asexual expectations, suggesting anal.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations.

Simply put, we're a podcast that answers questions on the topics of sex and dating. And we find them on the internet or from our wonderful listeners such as yourself. And we answer them right here, right now, every Monday. On our Patreon, on stage every month in your dreams probably maybe occasionally that'd be a fucking wild dream if someone was just like i'm gonna dream about these two guys i'm gonna ask them a made-up dream question and then they're gonna make i'm my brain is gonna come up with the answer although you know what actually now that i'm looking at you this whole time now now I'm thinking about it,

and it's like, I feel like that would be a common dream thing because, like, most people want to be validated, and who better to validate than your own subconscious? Yeah. And this week,

we're going to be talking about which one of us is crazy? Sleeping with multiple friends. Asexual but fine with blowjobs. And asking for anal. Hell yeah. Niall is not feeling well. And I said to him today,

I said to him, you know what? Don't worry about it. Take it easy. We'll release one of the live episodes. We still have one on the can. And he said, no,

I won't. The people deserve a hot and fresh episode. And so he's here for you with me separated, of course, for safety's sake. Via the internet. Via the internet. And he's here fighting through everything and anything to bring you a hot and fresh. So I hope you appreciate this one. It's funny because last time we talked, we were going to be like, oh, we should throw on the video and do a little recording.

And not today. I look like a little ghost. My poor, sweet Victorian boy. Sickly Victorian boy. But you know what? I'm going to hit you with this to answer all sex news before we get into the questions. Have you ever heard of Mouse Mingle? Mouse Mingle?

Mouse Mingle. Is thisle? Mouse Mingle. Is this the dating app for Disney adults? It is the dating app for Disney adults. This, I can't, look, we made a lot of fun about the right stuff or whatever the fuck it was called, the right way, whatever it was, the right wing dating app. I can't think, like, they're obviously top of the list of, like like insufferable people I don't want to come across. But I like I've got nothing against a Disney adult, but an entire platform of Disney adults sounds hellish. Yeah, I have no problems whatsoever with my friends who love Disney. But if you love Disney so much that you feel like an entire dating app

revolving around the fact that you love Disney is a good idea for you, I don't know. Now, Dane, will you join it? I mean, every Disney adult I know is cute as hell. Will you please join it for us? I will. I will.

I believe it's paid, but I feel like we could just take some money out of the Patreon, do it for a month, just see if there's any fun stuff. We'll do a special swipe next week. I will see how much it costs. Okay. Because dating apps are fucking wild. As we learned about with the League

and Tinder's premium subscription shit, dating apps are wild. If it's wild, but one person joins our patreon and it's still less money than we earn in a month in patreon you'll do it yes great i was gonna say i will dip into our funds if it's under 20 bucks if it's under 20 bucks for like a month then i think it's worth it but anything more than that, and certainly not if I can't do like, if I can do

week to week or month to month, yes. Oh yeah, but not like a year. If they make me have to subscribe for more than that, absolutely not. I would even use the free ones on a weekly basis. If people join the Patreon and we have enough money to afford it, I will make Dane do it and I will also

maybe open up how to customize his profile and what to put in it to the patrons. I think that could be fun. I think that would be a blast. Yeah. We could just craft your Disney Sona. I don't want to gaslight people. Yeah. Okay. We'll see. We'll see. All right. I'm going to hit you with my first question. This is by no average. Hold on. Before we get into that, I just want to say that we have a new live show coming up January 18th. January 18th. We're back on the Thursday. The Thursday

creep is back. We're doing the Thursday thing. 7pm Black Sheep Toronto. Tickets are $10 available on our website, fbuddiespodcast.com. Click the live show. It'll bring you right there. You can also find the links on my social media, Instagram, like any of our link trees and stuff, anything that links back to our podcast, then you're good. That's where you'll find the link.

Yeah, and please come and see us because we love you and it's fun. And I need money for medicine. Yes. Nell needs to pay for his treatment. Okay. This is NoAverage9216. Am I crazy, or is she batshit crazy? 36-year-old male met 26-year-old female on a dating app.

First date went great. She was very preoccupied with my finances, but I kind of understood, because she just finished med school. We'll have a great career, and most women don't want an older guy. They will have to support financially, lol. Second date, she invited me to a dinner party and forgot to mention her mom and sister, both doctors, were going to be there. It was awful. Three hours of answering weird questions and explaining why I've never married and have no kids at my age. The next day, we had a weird phone conversation and pretty much ghost each other after that. That was three weeks ago. Last night, she calls me, jokingly accuses me of Okay. I don very attracted to her. She's beautiful and very kind in person. However, something seems off.

What do you think? Okay. I don't love the idea. I really try to get away from one, calling people crazy, specifically to diminish mental health stigmas. But also, I feel like there is a trend of men calling women crazy to cover up their own bullshit like this situation this scenario is troubling to say the least sorry how old is he he is 36 she's 26 what he like oh he's like an older man hey dude i'm 36 i guess like a 10 year age gap i guess he's like an older man. Hey, dude, I'm 36. I guess like a 10 year age gap. I guess he's like thinking long term when she's 56, he'll be 66.

Anyway, that triggered me on a personal level. One, his being 36 triggered you and calling himself old. OK, yes, fair. But yes, anyone who else is 36 absolutely upsetting to me there's a couple things one dragging someone a second date to meet your family without warning yeah very weird is bad that's unfair it's uncomfortable i wouldn't want to do it i wouldn't do it to someone else i think the idea that like oh meeting the family is a big deal is a thing for a reason. And I think it's one of the few things in dating that I actually kind of

agree with. Like the few things in like the sort of like social zeitgeist of dating, where I think like a lot of people are like, yeah, yeah. A lot of people are like, Oh, the first kiss.

Ooh, the first time you hook up with the blah, blah, yeah. Yeah, a lot of people are like, oh, the first kiss, oh, the first time you hook up with them, blah, blah, blah. I think meeting the family and meeting the parents is actually a fairly big deal. So just throwing that on a partner or someone you've just started seeing is unfair. It's the same thing as even just if you went on a date and your friends were there and you didn't tell them, like ambushing someone with an unexpected person in a date situation is weird because you never know what you're supposed to be doing.

Yeah. And you're throwing so much more like responsibility on them that they have no time to like prep for or be aware of or it's uncomfortable and it sucks. And so that's not good. The fact that you guys didn't talk for three weeks and then out of nowhere she's like hey come to mexico no sex it's like i wouldn't go i wouldn't go on a trip with someone i didn't know very very well because traveling with people can get real weird i mean yes there's a number of reasons why you shouldn't go and i'm glad that he does say that like he's not going like that's not an option for him.

I guess the question is, like, should I keep seeing this woman? Like, I won't go on the trip, but should I see the woman? You're not seeing her. And also, like, what would be the point of going to Mexico and not having sex?

If you're starting a romantic relationship and presumably a sexual relationship, you would think that a really cool, sexy getaway somewhere warm in the middle of winter would have the prospect, but to go into it being like, we're going to go on this vacation together, you don't know shit about me,

and you're also not going to sleep with me. Just seems like, what are we doing then? And that's not to say that like, anytime you spend with a woman or a romantic partner, you should be able to have sex with them. But it is like, I don't know what the point of the vacation is. For sure. Yeah. I would love to know, like, did she have someone else lined up for this vacation who just pulled

out? Cause like, or I guess not. Cause you're still paying for your shit. I have no idea, man. I just, one don't go to like you say, Oh,

she's kind in person. She doesn't seem very kind based on the fact that you guys have had weird arguments, ghost each other. She ambushed you with her parents. And now she's asking you what is arguably a not normal thing, which is go on this expensive trip with me when we don't know each other. So I think what you're doing is she's attractive.

Yeah. That's where your brain is. That's it. That's it for you. It was like, Oh, she hot though. It's like,

okay, it's not worth it. Don't tell you that now. You're doing the whole, you know, round hole square peg situation where you're looking at someone and you're like, she's hot. How can I make her hotness fit into the what i want which is like none of her personality

or any of the things she's doing so look it doesn't seem like there's much rapport her anyway it doesn't seem like you guys literally ghost each other for three weeks and then you did hit her with a pretty good burn the mom yeah that's the thing you also shredded her when she called you you fucking got her so i don't know man that was pretty good and then she's like hung up on you because like if she was like hey yes you're right that was weird i deserved it i don't know why that happened blah blah but she just hung up on you? Like, it seems like no fun is to be had

here. Yeah, if my partner hung up on me now over a joke, I'd be like, what the fuck? Let alone someone I'm just starting to date. It's like, if you can't appreciate a sick burn like that, that's not gonna be fun. One that is well-deserved. You can't do a sick burn

and you can't fuck? Mexico's gonna suck, man. It's gonna going to be fun. One that is well-deserved. You can't do a sick burn and you can't fuck? Mexico's going to suck, man. It's going to suck so bad. So here's what I would say you can do. And what I think you should do. I think you just, like, shoot your shot and lay it right on the fucking table and be like, Look, I think you're really attractive. I'm only kind of interested in a romantic sexual relationship.

Not looking for anything more. Would like to keep it casual, but I'm not interested in doing these long distance vacations or meeting your family. I would like to just, you know, hook up every now and then when it's convenient for the two of us. Right. And if it works, great. You're not being disingenuous. You're not being mean. You're not being gross.

You're just sort of being like, here's what I would would like because it seems like the only thing you're really interested in is the fact that she's attractive that you find her hot so great and if it doesn't work out she's like no how dare you good nothing lost on your end because you weren't having sex with her anyway and also it's like if that's what you want and it's not what she wants now you know and you can move on yeah because it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible in terms of like personality or just the way you operate your lives yeah so it doesn't seem like this is going to blossom into a relationship so shoot your shot for what you want and if it doesn't work again do it respectfully do it honestly do it in a way that's not gross and

no matter you know whatever the answer is from her the you know if she's like no how dare you be like hey it's fine i meant no offense by it but that's what i'm looking for right now and if she's like yeah be like cool great thank you you just gotta be chill whatever the answer is yeah 100 or just break up with her or like end things with her because you're not you know official and because also it doesn't seem like it's great so that's your other option yeah there's also no harm in being like hey sorry

this is all very strange bringing me to a date with your family grilling me about my finances and then asking me to a trip on our third date is all very strange and it doesn't really vibe with me. So like, you know, best of luck. I'm sure there's someone out there who will enjoy this,

but it's not me. Also, you can't handle sick burns, so. You can't do weird shit and then not expect me to burn you. Yeah, exactly. You set yourself up. You walked right into it. Yeah.

It was good. It was a good burn. If you had laughed and been like, that was good. I think we'd be a lot different. We'd be like, maybe go to Mexico. Maybe go and don't have sex with this funny woman. Right? Yeah.

This is by Brunette8. Sleeping with multiple friends. I'm newly single. Have been for two months. And then decides to throw in her pronouns there. It's a she her. I've been sleeping. I don't know why that was.

That's the gender of the few months. Yeah. I've been sleeping around with my friend group a bit. And my best friend cited concerns about a guy I want to see. He's cute. And we don't really know each other all that well. So I asked him out for a drink. The problem?

He's in a band with two other guys I fooled around with in the time that I've been single. These encounters included one friendly and one more passionate encounter, but only with one to two meetups each. So nothing long term. Is this a problem? They are soft artist boy types. So I should assume they know or will know about being Eskimo bros or that they keep it on the DL.

Furthermore, in case this is a thing that actually has chemistry with the new guy and ends up being more than just sex, am I making a fool out of myself by going for him too soon? Should I wait, or am I just overthinking? Well, as we all know, soft artist-type bros always keep it under wraps.

They never tell anybody anything. That's true. But the danger is they will sing about it. So if they can decipher each other's songs, they will know. So that true. But the danger is they will sing about it. So if they can decipher each other's songs, they will know. So that's kind of the dichotomy there. They won't say it, but they will sing it. That's the thing.

It's like, are you willing to have the most... Hey, if you're that woman from the last question, you have to be ready for an even more vicious, scathing, Taylor Swift-style breakup song from every member of this band you're presumably making your way through. Yeah, but if they get famous, that's a hell of a story for you. Hell of a story. And all the songs will be about you, too, maybe good ones. You just have to do something so strange that when they make the song with the fake name, but they do say like

and she had feathers in her underwear that they know it was you you know yeah or if they make a song called like third date in mexico yeah yeah yeah keeps fucking bringing her mom you i so i think you need to walk back this whole scenario i think this whole thing needs to like rewind first don't sleep with your friends and i'm not saying that as a hard and fast rule but if you're in your hoe phase which is by all means great phase hoe phase it up you're single it's great i'm proud of you. Live your life. If you're single and ready to mouse mingle, you do you.

You need to, like, I guess it depends on what you mean by friend group. If it just means like casual acquaintances that you see here and there, whatever. But if these are the people that are your friends, then maybe you've really got to weigh the pros and cons and i know it's exciting to like be single and have all these opportunities and possibilities and you know things that you can just sort of like jump at and not have to worry about it but like your friends are far more beneficial as friends than they are as jilted lovers or awkward hookups. Yeah. Yeah. Like you really have to make sure that you're, what you're doing makes sense in the long run. And I know it's difficult to do when you're newly single.

So like, I wouldn't be as like averse to this if it didn't seem like it was all she was doing. You know what I mean? Like if you get single and there's like a friend you had chemistry with or a distant acquaintance or blah, blah, blah,

that's fine but to only be sleeping with your friends and like this one seems to be an outlier because they're like oh she's a stranger it's like that's weird because it's like are you just hooking up with your friends for convenience sake rather than want you know what i mean this is just that they're there and they're safe because like that's not a great way to pick people. Yeah. There's a lot of stuff. And like, again, ho phase is fine, but you have to do it in a way that isn't diminutive to your like existing relationships. Like, I can't imagine if you're out there trying to get laid. I can't imagine it's going to be too difficult to find people that you don't have an existing relationship and certainly that aren't friends with one another like i think

that like if you're trying to like it seems like you're now tiptoeing and being like oh i don't want them to know that yeah or like will they just find out so i have to tell them it's like that's a shitty way to live. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think you should ever be trying to keep that from anybody ever. No, I think it's really important to like, I remember with past people that I've ended up seeing sort of long term. I mean, I think with my most recent ex who I was with for seven years, I had a conversation before we started dating being like, hey, just so you know, in in the past i have hooked up with this person that you are friends with i just you know out of open honesty and transparency i don't want it to come out

you know six years later that we hooked up once and you'd be like oh why didn't you tell me why you know because the more you keep secret the weirder it gets and you're be like, oh, why didn't you tell me? You know what I mean? Because the more you keep secret, the weirder it gets, and you're worried about this being like, oh, if I have chemistry with this guy, it becomes more than... It's like, how do you think he's going to feel when he finds out that he was number three on the band totem pole of you sleeping your way through them? And not saying that that's what you're doing,

but that is what you're doing. Yeah, so I will say like when do you think is the time to tell him i think before you like go on a date with them i think you should let someone you know right like because what i wouldn't if someone was like oh hey by the way you know back in the day when we were both single because like now if someone was like oh hey eight years ago i hooked up with now i'd was like, Oh, Hey, eight years ago, I hooked up with now I'd be like, I don't give a fuck,

whatever. But you know, back when we were single, if someone was like, Oh, Hey, just a heads up, you know,

like recently I, I had been hooking up with now and now we're not doing it anymore. I would probably be like, thanks for letting me know. I'm not interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with you because he's one of my best friends and it's a very recent thing and i just don't want to cross streams it's not something i'm a big fan of i don't want uh there's no like there's no need to get into what could be a sticky or weird situation right like you know what i mean it's easier to just bypass it and be happier than to yeah enter into anything that you know i get it i don't think it's worth it and we've definitely when we were single have like if we were talking to a person who you know we would always kind of

like clear the air with each other and just like make sure that like if i was going out with someone i'd be like wait a minute you guys had like texted and blah blah blah and making sure yeah things like that hadn't happened yeah so i think for this girl i don't know when the time to tell them is right i think you're saying before the date i was gonna just say that you need to be hugely ready for this person to be like that's a deal break you know what i mean especially if you end up having chemistry especially if you do whatever and like that's not to say you shouldn't have slept with those other people because you know if you did it for the right reason you enjoy that that's great but you know people are definitely allowed have that be a thing that makes

them say no especially when they're in a band together you know i mean like if we were a band and i was kind of just a band really aren't we as cool as those guys easily i wouldn't want to interrupt the business side of our relationship with sleeping with someone that you've already slept with. You're essentially throwing wrenches into a pre-existing friend group and being like, hey, some of them might just bounce off, but one of them

might really fuck shit up. And it doesn't seem like you're taking anyone but your vagina into consideration. Yeah. And that's the thing. You got to be aware of these things for your sake,

for others sake, you know? So yeah, I would let him know. He might already know, you know what I mean? And then if you've cleared it, then going forward,

hopefully he won't have a change of heart, but at least then you can date him not being worried. And as we said before pretending it didn't happen or like being dishonest is not the way forward no it sucks for everyone because then like then those two guys have to be like well does he know and then like they might have to tell him and then it's gonna come out yeah it'll happen for sure someone will say something at some point in time the next time they release an EP and it's called we all fuck Vaughn

what will be called like Jeff's sloppy seconds like it'll be home phase responsibly yeah you just be responsible when you hoe out again we're not telling you not to hoe out by all means hoe out please but just do like be kind for yourself and for others that's it yep Again, we're not telling you not to hoe out. We're not slouching. No, by all means, hoe out. Please.

But just do, like, be kind for yourself and for others. That's it. Yep. All right, hit me. Or as am I hitting you? I'm hitting you. Ah, my brain, dude. This is by StraightCookie593.

Oh, 5953. My 22-year-old female boyfriend, 27-year-old male, says he's asexual, but is fine with blowjobs. My boyfriend claims he's asexual. I know this sounds toxic, but listen, at the start of our relationship four years ago, he was very sexual. Since I am too, I didn't mind. It was when it slowly started to decline that I did start to mind. The sex got less and less. The only thing that stayed were blowjobs. However, when I wanted sex or to get off to, he declined or redacted himself. I could get him off and ask him if he could do the same for me, and he'd be like, oh, IDK. What also doesn't help is he was flirting online and RPing sex with his friends online behind my back. When I found out and said

it wasn't okay with this, he didn't stop and kept trying to push boundaries saying it wasn't real and that he was only attracted to the friends' online characters. My sexuality stayed the same and now I feel like my feelings aren't being met and that it wasn't fair that he's only interested in BJs. I'm not sure what to do since he also stopped cuddling and is generally not very affectionate anymore. He often gets angry at me out of nowhere. Is our relationship falling apart or should I still try to save it? I can't and don't want to force him to have sex so I don't push him but I can't force myself to not want to have sex. An open slash non-monogamous relationship won't work. I do love him, and he says he loves me, and I don't want our relationship to end, but I am unhappy.

Is there something I slash he can try slash do? TLDR, boyfriend says he's asexual, but wants blowjobs and keeps flirting with friends online. Well, unfortunately, I think you listed all of your answers and your solution

throughout that whole question. Like, is there something you can do? Sure, maybe. Like, you can operate under the assumption that, like, he's lying about being asexual, which sucks. Like, you should never mistrust your partner expressing themselves, how they feel, whether it's gender identity, sexuality, etc., etc. And then, you know, try to get them into, like, sex therapy or couples counseling and, you know try to get them into like sex therapy or couples counseling

and you know try to do that but again that's all under the guise of they aren't being honest or truthful about being asexual now i don't know the specifics of asexuality i don't know if oral sex is a common like thing that asexual, but just by name alone. Yeah, isn't being asexual just not wanting to engage in sexual acts? That's my understanding of it, but I don't know if there's... I don't think people are like, oh, handjobs, no. Sex, no. Blowjobs.

Like, it does, and again, I'm willing to be corrected. I don't know everything. We talk about it enough. We're fallible, massively so. But it does kind of sound like he's being a big dickhead. Yeah, and the really important thing, like the most important thing about

this is you saying, I'm not happy. And you've tried things, right? Like you've asked him to go down on you. You're not forcing him to have sex or you're asking him to like get you off. I don't know what specifically you're asking for, but you're not trying to like force him to have sex with you i mean also the thing of being like oh i'm just role playing with my friends characters and stuff sure okay but if your partner isn't

comfortable with it you can't just say it's fine because i want to do it right like there doesn't seem to be any sort of like every time you have a problem in this relationship, it doesn't seem like it's a conversation. It seems like him just saying, but this is me. This is who I am. This is okay. And that's not a relationship,

especially when it just keeps compounding how unhappy you are. If every layer is just one step, you know, deeper into the unhappiness cake, then why stay? Yeah. yeah the only there's two i guess three routes here and one is that you accept him for who he is and just ignore all your things you don't like about the situation which probably impossible definitely unhealthy two is that he meets you halfway and changes his behavior or you guys reach some sort of compromise which he has clearly demonstrated he's unwilling to do or three you leave which

seems like the right option here yeah i think if this was one of those things where it's like you haven't talked to him and you just knew all these things and you're just stewing in the background and not really addressing it but like every problem that you've listed you've had a conversation about and really that what more can you do right like you can't force this guy to fuck you you can't force him to go down on you you can't force him to hold a vibrator while you get off nor should you have to right like and again this is nothing against people who are asexual this is nothing against people not wanting to do certain things but like it would be the same if like you were with someone who was asexual,

you were asexual. And then they suddenly became sexual and they were like, well, we got to fuck now. No, we would tell you to break up then too. You know what I mean? If you have a mismatch,

you know, it's not because they're asexual. It's because your needs aren't being met. Right. So in much the same way as an asexual person shouldn't have to have sex with you, you shouldn't have to not have sex because somebody is asexual. And that doesn't mean forcing them to have sex. That means leaving a relationship and

finding one where, you know, you guys actually fit each other's needs. Yeah. It would be like if I was with a partner and all of a sudden I realized I was gay, I wouldn't then be like, well, you have to stay with me. I'm just going to role play gay sex elsewhere. And I don't, but I'm not interested in you anymore. Like that. My other partner's needs all of a sudden don't become void and null just because my needs and wants have shifted. And I'm not saying again,

your needs and wants can shift all the time. Sexuality and gender identity is very much a fluid non-binary thing. It changes from year to year to you know whatever like it's fine and that's going to happen but you can't expect someone who's a little more static in their wants and needs to constantly adapt and change with you like sometimes as now said like sometimes you just run and you hit a brick wall and that's as far as this relationship goes and because you say like, oh, I love him. And he says, you love me too.

It's like, well, sure. You can end a relationship still loving a person. Like a relationship doesn't have to end when you guys hate each other or when there's no love left. I still very much loved my ex, but we knew it was time to call it quits because of a long list of criteria. And I feel like they also understood that as well, being like, we still love each other. But this relationship has run its course.

And it doesn't really make any sense to continue on because we can see we have the foresight and emotional maturity to be like, we're if we keep doing this, we're not going to be happy. And it's going to hate each other other at which point it's the worst time to end well not the worst time but you know what i mean it's like better to get out when you're friendly and on the same page than to drive yourselves down into this pit of hatred and then leave you know that's something i really want people to start like embracing of being like don't wait until it's the worst possible time to leave a relationship. Call it quits when it's still good, but you're not happy. Or when you see it, when you see all the signs of being... When you know it's not going to get better.

Yeah. If you see the building crumbling around you, you don't wait for it to fall on you. You try to get out. And you should do that with relationships. You should see and have the foresight. And I know it's difficult to like look at someone that you've been with for a long time and someone that you do care about and you know even small things like you know just looking at apartments and stuff and being like

fuck i'm gonna have to move or how am i gonna afford my rent now but those shouldn't be reasons to stay unhappy for a considerable amount of time. Yeah. Find somebody else. Yeah. It's time to move on. Unfortunately, this is from spiritual muffin.

Eight one five. How can I ask slash hint? I want to do anal to my boyfriend. I want to do anal and it's a huge fantasy for me, but I don't know how to ask him because I feel so embarrassed. I feel like he's going to think I'm gross, and usually dudes are the one who asks to do anal. But I feel wrong for being the one who wants it,

so I kind of want to ask him in a way where it's almost like he's initiating, lol. I've talked to him before about doing anal, and we have tried it before, but he said it was so tight it was borderline painful. But we also didn't do any foreplay then. All in all, I don't know how to ask my boyfriend to do anal because I feel embarrassed. Any tips or advice? I'm so glad you came because we have Dane Miller, mind freak here,

and he's going to trick you into tricking your boyfriend into asking as if he wanted to ask when in fact it was you, but was it you or was it Dane? Or did I mind freak Dane into mind freaking you to mind freaking him how many ass layers deep are we every ass layer assception it's I don't like

this is so frustrating the wild thing for me is like and I love when you're reading a question and my like oh there's here's what I'm gonna say here's where I'm gonna start and then you read something at the end that just completely crashes my zeppelin of thought and I love when you're reading a question and my like, oh, here's what I'm going to say. Here's where I'm going to start. And then you read something at the end that just completely crashes my zeppelin of thought. And I'm like, wait, you already tried anal with him before? And like he was down and it just you didn't do it correctly. Like, OK, so you've done the hardest part, which is broach the subject.

It didn't even go terribly. It seems he was just like, oh, didn't work. So just be like, hey, hey remember we tried this thing like i think we need lube or like more of a run-up or whatever and like you could be like hey i thought it was really hot obviously we didn't do it correctly but if you're willing we can like look it up get some lube like have a proper go at this time it's like you've already broken the ice they didn't break the ice they they went into the pool yeah they jumped in done it yeah literally just you know cold dived into a freezing pond there's a couple things like yes anal is not something that you just jump into don't just dive in and i'm sure there are some

people who can't but nine times out of ten, there's a little bit of care. Things like increasing the sizes of butt plugs to sort of accommodate for and introduce that sensation for whoever is the receiving end of the situation. Lots of lube. You should be lubeing the hell out of everything for that. And taking it slow. You can start with something like a finger and really sort of like massage and get things warmed up. It's the same way. It's like you shouldn't just be having, you know, vaginal sex, just taking a dick and jamming it straight in there.

It's like things need time to warm up. And if someone is particularly small or tight or whatever, then you should just like literally do like outer play of the butthole, like before you even do insertion and like combine that with like a blowjob or whatever. And it's like there are so many steps you can take, but you need to do them correctly and you need to also not just jam a fist in with no fucking lube. Yeah. So as now said, you've had anal. You don't need to hint that you would like to do anal. The question is, how do we try again?

Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, I think the hardest part of these conversations is you'll know where your partner stands. You don't know how to broach the subject, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah. You've done that. You've done it. And you got so far that you actually tried it. So clearly they're within the realm of, yeah,

I'm cool with that so you're good just be like hey we did that once it was really hot didn't work out but like we did it wrong so do you want to try again this time i'm going to bring a lot of lube and we'll take it like slow and like do your research and not in a decide to hate vaccines way in a like make sure your boyfriend's butthole is taken care of way because i want you to get a butt on the lobe and then just shove the entire arm in you know yeah don't accidentally get hooked on joe rogan's podcast and while you're doing your own research and look some people aren't big into anal and that's fine some people don't enjoy anal that's okay that doesn't mean you necessarily don't get to have

the experience that you're looking for as well. You can use dildos. Once again, you can use butt plugs. Ask him if he's cool if you wear a plug while you have sex. She's going in on him, right? No. So, sure. Yes. I thought at the very start

it said, I want to do anal to my boyfriend, but I think she's saying, how do I ask? Like, how do I hint to him that I want to do it? That's even easier. I think it's just a weird phrasing of I think she's saying, like, how do I tell my boyfriend I want to do or like, you know, even easier. That's way easier. Dana's making great points here. Yeah.

If he doesn't want to, you can just use toys. Oh my God, it's an even easier question now. Look at us. We did it all. You're fine. We solved it. Just bring it up. Ask for what you want.

And you can always be like, hey, do you have any fantasies you want to explore? Here's one of mine. And again, if he doesn't want to explore it, that's fine. If you don't want to explore his, that's fine. If that's a deal breaker, that's fine it probably won't be but like make it more fun than just like i want to do this thing be like what do you want to do i want to do this let's try it but like do your research have the appropriate tools and aids and go for it yeah and also i think like there's so many people who are like, oh, I want to do this, but I'm worried that what my partner is going to think one, your partner hopefully should trust you and know that like your sexual

proclivities and things that you may want aren't sort of like judgment calls on yourself. Like if you want to be, have rough sex or be degraded or whatever, like that doesn't diminish your worth as a person based on like what you want sexually. So that needs to be a conversation. need to have your partner if you're worried about that and two there's no harm in saying hey there's something kind of like sensitive and i'm a little embarrassed or i'm a little insecure about can we talk about it and preface it with that so

hopefully if they do have if he doesn't like anal or if anal grosses him out or whatever he's got it top of mind being like okay this is a sensitive subject she's told me she's insecure she's told me she's shy she's told me she's nervous even if i'm gross i'm not going to be like oh right whereas like if you're just like hey you want to do anal you've kept that it's such a like a casual like out of nowhere that his reaction might be a little more extreme of like oh fuck no you might even think you're joking as well right yeah so like approach the situation with the right level of delicacy as well and hopefully he will return the favor in kind so if he doesn't want to do it he can can be like, hey, thank you for telling me, but not interested.

Or, hey, that sounds really hot. Sure, let's give it a go. Whereas, like, you preface the situation with the right level of care that it needs. So stop being scared of asking your partners what you want. Mm-hmm. All right, ready? Yes, please. Like Cookie.

Okay. I want to hear Cookie's question. cookie 2041 the first i love you i female 21 i've been dating my now boyfriend male 21 for nearly four months i said i love you today for the first time because i really feel it he didn't say it back i feel so embarrassed and like i made a fool of myself i don't know how i to face him, and my mind thinks to avoid him because of the humiliation feeling. What do I do now? I'm not sure I can face him. Hey, people fall in love at different times. This episode is all about, like, learning to be cool with things, right? Like, learning to be cool with asking your partner with things, learning to be cool with leaving a relationship before it goes bad. This is the

exact same thing. you've fallen in love with them fantastic i don't think you should hide it again i think there's some yeah if it's date one you know if it's date two and he's being grilled by your mom and sister keep it under wrap so you know like obviously there are caveats of like saying i love you too soon can be a bit jarring for people but i think if you're with this person and you've fallen in love with them i don't think you should hide it i don't think you should keep that a secret i think the second you feel it you should let a person know because it's great to hear all you've told us is he didn't say it back right like i would love to know what nobody need to know what he said because if he ran away

that's important if he said oh my god I adore you or something that's also important if he was like oh jeez like thank you very much that means so much to me that's so nice is much different than like cool I once told a girl I brought her on a really cute picnic

and like I got a blanket and I made all these snacks and we did a little hike out to this place. And then I told her and she laughed. But like, to be fair, she was the kind of person who like when she got like nervous or like taken like a back, she did like laugh. It was funny. I was like, she was like, I can't believe I laughed. I was like, it's fine. I know you.

I understand. Yeah. And then she was like, she't believe i laughed i was like it's fine i i know you i understand this and then she was like she said it back it was cute there was a moment where i was like okay you've been laughing for too long now is this a bad laugh yeah for some reason all i'm picturing is that like really big hill that we climbed when we were in ireland it was the kind of actually oh cute yeah kids go on fucking picnics, Dane? Yeah. Kids and like romantic comedy people. People in the Hallmark channel. That's me. Zilli adults.

Yeah, it's true. You are pretty much. I could see you being a Hallmark lead. I don't bake enough. You don't have a. Well, hey, I was going to say you don't have a niche enough job, but you are a professional podcaster. Yeah. D&D podcaster.

Sex and Daily Advice podcaster. Fantasy. D&D podcaster, sex and dating advice podcaster, fantasy book writer. There you go. Yeah, you're a fucking Hallmark character for sure, dude. I don't know. I need to bake for sure. What are we doing? She could be a baker. Oh yeah, I got a question. Not a question, I got an advice.

I got an advice to give here. You saying I love you shouldn't be about them saying it back. It should be about you saying it. And that's where it starts. And that's where it ends. You know what I mean? You say it because you want to.

You say it because you need to. Don't say it hoping that they say it back because that's really unfair. You know what I mean? Because they might not be ready. They might not love you yet, which is fine. You know what I mean? Your love shouldn't be dependent on them loving you, if that makes sense. Yeah, because you're not saying I love you.

You're saying, do you love me? Yes. If that's what you're looking for, if you require them to say it back, then you're not saying I love you. You're saying I need you to love me. Yes. And that's unfair. So if you want to say I love you to somebody, say it.

But that's it. Do it for you and for them. But don't do it for them to say I love you to somebody, say it. But that's it. Do it for you. And for them, but don't do it for them to say it to you. Yes, and obviously we all want to hear it back. You know what I mean? Like, no one is saying I love you hoping to not hear it back. But you have to be cool. Yeah, no one says it and then hears I love you back and goes, ew.

Ugh, really? Fucking weirdo. Just got to Mexico. My mom's not even here yet you need to get cool with being like hey i love you i fall in love with you i love you very much you mean a lot to me and then hopefully they don't respond shitty right like you can be upset if they're like flippant or dismissive or upset like any of those things i I understand feeling upset. But if they just don't say I love you back, if they return the sentiment, that's what's important. If they say, hey, you mean a lot to me too. If someone said it to me and I wasn't ready to say it, I would just say, I take a

little longer to form those connections, but you do mean a lot to me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I would give them something back. And I think that's what you need to learn on both sides of it. Like if you're the person saying it, you need to be cool with not receiving it. And if you're the person receiving it, you need to be conscious that this person is taking a huge leap of faith and you need to expect. So what I do to make them feel comfortable if I'm not ready is I say, oh, I love oak. And then we can all pretend we're talking about our favorite type of tree. Oh, I like that. Yeah then we can all pretend we're talking about our favorite type of tree. Oh, I like that.

Yeah, it gives them an easy out. A rare... Never, never do that. A rare you reference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an understated tree, but it still gets me going. Hey, excellent for making bows. Exactly, thank you.

I know that from fantasy games. I actually don't know it. It's usually just like the low tier would in like MMOs. Usually. All right. Well, I think that's going to be the end of our episode there. We don't have a whole lot of time to do tenders,

do we? But we can try. Hey, I got none. So it's all on you. Also, hey, you know what?

I think you need a break. I say we ended a little early. You've done well. I've seen you multiple times have a bad time on this call. You've struggled through it. I appreciate you. Everyone appreciates you. I can't tell if you're miming vomiting or kissing.

I'm not sure. It was kissing. Release the coughing cut. Release the cut of me coughing for 20 minutes. Yeah, let's just call it. Niall did his best. And to be fair, he did it better than most people could in top health. Wow. Well, thanks.

That's going to do it. We got things to talk about. We won one award. We won an award. Technically, we won three. But this show specifically won best health and fitness of the canadian podcast awards uh so that brings our total up to two we're now best adult and best health and fitness the time we get our eyes as i am neither healthy nor fit right now now we've got our eyes set on that education prize. That's the one I want next. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, we got it. And people's choice, but I think we'll see about that. Because we were competing against ourselves and that was tough. Yeah. But thank you to all our pod friends who voted, and thank you for all our non-pod friends who wanted to vote but couldn't because it was only open to people in the podcasting community.

And congratulations to all the other winners. We had a lot of friends, a lot of show friends scoop up some awards too. And it's really, really cool to see people that we consider our peers and friends to find success as well. And thank you very much. And shout out to all of our fellow nominees. We were in a tough category. We were in a lot of tough categories. All of them are so tough.

Everyone's so fucking good. Canada has an insane pool of talent for podcasts. And to be nominated is an honor and to win is an honor. And we will hopefully do the health and fitness category proud. We'll try. And if we don't, we'll be stripped of it

like Miss America. It's true. Thank you, Josh Eagle and Narva sues for the song paper stars again please go support us on patreon please go over to our live show go over to yes that's the way to say that and if you would like to go over to the live show it is january thursday the 18th 7 7pm at Black Sheep in Liberty Village, Toronto. Tickets are $10. You can get them at fbuddiespodcast.com. Click live show and then right at the bottom there's a little thing that says reserve now

and it'll bring you right to the page and all you have to do is fill in your information. While you're on there, as Nell said, you can support us on Patreon. That'll allow us to do things like sign up for dating platforms that we definitely shouldn't be allowed on and repair our gear when it breaks. And we mentioned this on the end of your Patreon episode where we had a catastrophic gear failure at one of our live shows. And it was because of the support of our patrons that we were able to replace that gear as quickly as we were and get the live shows back up and running like the next month. Yeah. A hundred percent.

So thank you. And a little add on here. If you go over to FCK buddies podcast on Instagram, we have a lot of video that's kind of trending right now. So you can go add your weight to that. And if you go over on Tik TOK F buddies podcast, just join us. We post video content and I guess we never really plug it.

So come join us on the video apps. Yeah, do that. Now it puts in a lot of hard work, and I want you to see it. Mm-hmm. I want weird, unhinged things we say to go viral again, like the one video about Brendan Lee Mulligan talking about jacking off on the subway. All right, you ready for some bad sex writing? Sure. This is a group where you can anonymously post for advice on Facebook.

And they say, I, 44-year-old male, met with this girl on Tinder, 25-year-old female, a couple of weeks ago. Conversation's been great. Multiple messages every day. Due to previous scheduled plans and holidays, we haven't met yet, but have agreed on our first date this coming week. In our last conversation, I casually mentioned I'd love to tie her up spank her and use her body to my pleasure now she's not responding after three days how can i politely tell her that's rude and a huge turnoff yeah that is a huge turnoff how dare she how dare she i love when it's we talked about this, I think, last week. The people who think being dominant are the people who no sub would ever look at and be like,

Yes, that's the vibe. Because that's not how you do it. Meet this person first. Yeah, you really can't tell someone you're going to tie them up prior to knowing them. Especially because there's, what, like a 20-year age difference as well? Did I hear that right? Right, like that's... I got rid of the tab, dude. It's...

You gotta fucking chill out. I'm not yucking your yum. I'm a fan of those things. Oh, yeah. You gotta be chill. You know what I wouldn't do? I wouldn't say that. Just learn how to be chill 101. Brought to you by Dan and Niall Coming at you top of the evening

Yeah, fucking relax We gotta get Niall out of here His face is melting He's pulling it apart like Some sort of scary goop man This is the end of the show My name is Dave Miller And I'm Niall Spurs

Oh, there he goes. We've been your fuck buddies.