F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 282 - Intimate Evenings: Peter Pan Syndrome feat. 30 Going on 13 (Live @ Black Sheep)

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

We mark our special one year anniversary of doing live shows at Black Sheep by inviting our lawfully wedded podwives, Liv and Maddy, from the award-winning show 30 Going on 13, to join us on stage for an extra long, extra chaotic special!

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I'm Niles Payne And we're your fuck buddies. We are our dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations

and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners or from this wonderful audience. As you'll see, there are a little piece of paper on your table. We'll collect them later. And we answer them right here, right now, on stage with our friends. We'll collect them later. And we answer them right here, right now on stage with our friends.

We are... This is our... This is a lot of things. It's our anniversary show. This marks one year of doing this show in the black shape. Thank you. It's also our pseudo

Valentine's Day show that we had big plans for and then forgot about. So if any of you feel particularly Valentine's-y, just, you know, good for you. Yeah. We still have big plans. They just aren't Valentine's themed. Yes. You know?

And it is also, most importantly, our first guest on the live show. Maddie, Liv, do you guys want to introduce yourselves? Oh, I would love to introduce ourselves. I am Maddie Foley. I am one half of 30 Going On 13, the podcast. Not the band from Barry that stole our name the year before we started. So I guess we stole their name.

We stole what? So we are 30 Going On 13, and we do reviews of 90s tv shows movies stuff we watched when we were kids we talk about them in an adult lens how effed up they are yada yada it's a lot of fun and here's the second half of the podcast huh oh my god i I set you up so well my name is Liv do the carpet match the drapes might call it when she has red hair she loves to make it does the carpet match the drapes joke uh she is Liv and together yes we are 30 going on 13 and we are oh my god so excited to be here today it really sucks that you made that joke because like that was pretty much all my material for the night you're ripping up your

papers you can't use any of it anymore um so we we've never like this is all kind of by the seat of our pants we've talked about working together for a very long time yeah but what better way to do it than unrehearsed yeah just throw you on stage with very little plan not that we usually have a plan but it becomes way more apparent that we don't when we have guests yes so i know this has all looked extremely choreographed at this point but and of course this is all a fiction. We're very professional. We've all won Canadian Podcast Awards. Yes. Shout out to the Canadian Podcast Awards that are in the house tonight. Yes.

They brought the trophy. So we could share it tonight. So we can look at it. We can kind of just brag about it. And maybe this was all an elaborate ruse to get it in the building and all the power will go out and I will steal it. Yeah. Maybe. We're right by the window.

So very quickly, I already mentioned the paper. If you have questions, put them on there. We'll collect them during the breaks. They don't need to be named, so you can keep them anonymous. Secondly, we are doing special question segment later on, which is going to be like throwback questions. So questions you might have had in your teenage years. They can be ridiculous. They can be great.

No bummers, maybe. On top of that, if you tag us, you'll see a little QR code on the paper. If you tag us, tag 30goingon13, tag Black Sheep, you'll be entered into a draw for shots. I think that's it. I think we should do a question. Yes, one other thing. You also, like we mentioned it beforehand, but there are a draw for shots. And I think that's it. I think we should do a question. Yes. One other thing.

You also, like we mentioned it beforehand, but there are a few new people. It is bar service. So don't feel weird getting up and walking to the bar and ordering a drink. It actually is kind of the reason we're here. So don't feel shy. It's totally cool. We don't mind. They don't mind.

You're not interrupting us. So if you're thirsty or want to get some food, please head on over to the bar, and they'll be happy to take care of you. Thirsty going on 13. Is that anything? So good. Is that a thing?

Yeah, that was funny as fuck. Okay. We're off to a great start. On that outroarious laughter, I'm going to start my first question. Hold on. Let me just turn down the mic so that we don't get all of this laughter. Yeah,'s why you can't hear it now someone sorry in the front

did ask me earlier if this is a big show an orgy situation so i just want us to clarify for him well we don't call it the front we call it the splash zone oh yeah okay. We did forget the tarp, so sorry. Or you're welcome. Now, Splash Zone. What are we talking? Let's get specific. You'll find out real soon. I'm just kidding. I wanted to make you say come, but that's fine.

We'll get to it. We'll get to it. I promise you by the end of the night, you will never want to hear us say the word come ever again. Well, that's disgusting. I'm already there. Yeah, me too. You know, I don't know if this is the spiciest question we've ever started with, but I want to start with it anyway.

So this user has no name. Wait, can I ask a question? Yes. No idea what's happening. So my question is, where do you find these questions? This one's from Reddit. This is from Reddit? We love that.

Okay. We will presumably transition into audience questions, depending on the audience. But we'll see. They say, my, female, 28, boyfriend, male, 28, thinks my boobs fill with blood before my period. I don't think I need to say much else. I tried to explain to him that it's my milk duct swelling. But he said, until I prove him wrong, he won't change his mind. I didn't want the almighty Google to have something to the effect of,

do my boobs swell with blood before my period in my history? But alas, here we are. I found evidence to support the milk duck thing, but he says, because I couldn't find an article that explicitly says my boobs don't fill with blood, he doesn't accept it. I just don't know how to get through to him. Why would you? He's a man of science.

That's sounding Armie through to him. Why would you? He's a man of science. That's sounding army hammer to me. That is sounding a little bit like he wants to do something cannibalistic. I'm scared

for her life. I've never heard tits be called milk duds before. I think he's talking about or she's talking about a part of the tits. Milk ducks. Duck.

Oh, duck. Like a duck. Milk duds. Not milk duds. Milk duds. And that was all you took from that? Well, yeah, because I usually call them cans. But I call them huge jugs.

Not like, hey, prove there's no blood in there. Yeah, what a cool new thing I can call my boobs. So I'd love to know, like, prove there's no blood in there. Yeah, what a cool new thing I can call my boobs. So I'd love to know, like, prove there's no blood in your boobs. What does it mean? Is that... I'm sure there's blood in boobs. It's so easy to play this game

because you could just be like, prove that your dick doesn't fill with pudding when you get an erection. Because if you don't find an article online that specifically says there's no pudding in your dick, I am convinced that it is pudding. But maybe he's cool with that. I mean, sure.

What is the end game? What is, where are we going? Let's look, you know, read between the lines. Where is, what do they want from each other? There's obviously something not being communicated. He's saying blood and tits, but what's he really saying you know is he saying really is he actually saying why don't why don't you like coming to spend time with my family do you know what i mean there's something underneath this what he's actually saying is he does his own research and probably doesn't believe in vaccines okay Okay. And then, and so, and that's a big one.

And that's a big one these days because a lot of relationships are getting ruined over that kind of stuff. It's true. It's true. I don't know. Do we solve the answer for this person? What's your advice? I mean, you know, ask me on a certain day, but I'm saying. Your parents are doctors.

You speak to this. Yeah, I'm definitely sending a couple texts in the group chat after this about... Wait, we could fix this right now. We just need to get your parents to write a medical article that specifically states, and then we're good. We'll forward it to them. My parents... They'll send it to their weird boyfriend.

My parents... He'll be like, well, shit. Their entire career tarnished by this last article where they're just talking about it's only tarnished if it's your boobs do fill with blood if it doesn't wait what are you telling us they're like and that's when dr foley went insane this is this is why we have ladies on the podcast every now and then because you guys tip your hand and reveal that in fact you don't want to because you guys are just full of blood. Of course there's blood in your tits, though.

You know, that's what I said. It is a lose-lose situation because there's no way to prove it. The second you do anything, it's like, ah, it's bleeding. Gotcha. Aside from taking a knife and slicing my tit open, what do you want from me? My advice is dump this guy. We're on the first question. What do they want from us?

I walk out. What do they want? The existential crises have begun. Yeah, I mean, like, our go-to, we try to give solutions that aren't ending your relationship. Oh, okay.

Right? Not off the bat. This time time I think the solution definitely is. Like if you have someone who refuses to acknowledge facts and science about your body. Also will mansplain your own tits to you. Also maybe sounds like he wants to eat you in some way. Like Hannibal Lecter, like blood and I don't know. Yeah, there is some kind of weird like, let's just cut it open and see. Yeah.

I don't like that. A real like, let's crack it open. I don't see the problem. I'm like, every guy in our relationship is dumb as fuck. Of course he thinks that. But he's asking her to prove it. That is true crime. It it. That is true crime. It is.

It is true crime. Wait, I messed up. He's asking her to prove it? Yeah. You really got hung up on the milk duds. Yeah, you really got caught up on the milk duds. You heard milk duds and you got so excited you didn't listen to the rest. Liv just teleported to a child at a movie theater getting getting the milk to the box um yeah

the advice here is ask and be like hey does this really matter to you is this that important to you and if it is like why why don't you trust me on my body and why are you so keen on telling me how it works because am i allowed to say the advice is call the cops, lock yourself in a room upstairs, make sure that there's a window access for you to get out. Oh, no. There's a wonton down in the front row. Oh, no.

Oh, no. What about this? What about this? Fake boob. Yeah. You whip it out. You obscure it enough that he doesn't maybe know.

He doesn't sound very observant. And then you say, here, prove it. And see what he does. And if he's just like, he's got his boob knife ready.

Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. Right there. No. If he's like, try to entrap him. I would never.

Try to slice your boob. Exactly. If he's like, I would never slice your boob. You pull out the fake tit and you say, thanks, Norman. Thank you. Why is the ring camera facing us right now honey just it's okay just do it and then go for you're doing it right outside the front door it's fine let's do this in front of the doorbell uh i don't i'm speechless as i just talked for eight and a half minutes i'm

speech i got nothing i just i don't think I could dump, like, whoa, other one. I don't think I could date someone who's just like, science? Meh. Yeah. I'd probably know better. Yeah, 100%. Let's, I mean, I think we can all confidently say, yeah, we got that one. Nailed it.

Nailed it. Nailed it. This is what I want to bring to the show this week, but because of advertising standards, we weren't allowed to. So we're doing it here. In a full depression after a month of dating someone, I have no idea how to get over this. I thought he was perfect. He really liked me at first, but he said that once the excitement faded, he realized that I'm not his person. I'm in therapy and on antidepressants again because of this.

I know I'm not the only one to go through this, believing you found the one but realizing the connection is one-sided. And yes, I know it was only a month, but I'd never felt like this before with a guy. Still, it's hard to reconcile why this has devastated me so much does anyone have any insight here or does anyone have any similar stories god this resonates happy valentine's day my god dan's like this one was too depressing our sponsor didn't want it so let's give it to our fun audience yeah let's do it for a live audience oh wow well a couple cues uh what antidepressants yeah because you know we've been on all of them so we know if there's one medical aspect we know it's that yeah let's let's start there um what was the question why am i sad i got dumped

yeah i mean she's saying that she's in a like a clinical depression because the person she dated for a month christ and maybe we can we can pull her out of that slump is she in here in this room with us right now is the depression stand up if it's you be brave we can just look we can work this out looking person everyone we're all gonna go that we're gonna scan you all very carefully don't change your expression right now let me just see who's the sad we're all gonna point at who we think is the saddest person in the room i scan the room i got i got it i know exactly who it is um okay well i've been on nine million antidepressants so i just wanted to brag about that, I guess.

It's just really weird flex, but... Yeah, a lot of medication in my body. And then, why are you so sad? The benefit's having doctor parents. Oh, okay. I'm going to be serious. Okay. It came to me.

It came to me in a dream. I'm going to be serious for two seconds okay when you're really sad about a breakup and it's only been one month it's usually more about what's going on in here apart from that person what's going on in your life what's going are you not happy with your job are you feeling the crushing weight of pretty much everything happening in the world right now? Are you sad about... No, it's him. You have no TV shows to watch. No.

It's obviously this guy's fault. You're right. He conned her. Now, are you saying it's his fault because he's so great? Or because he's so shit? Yes. Gaslight her. Conned her.

Lured her. Lured her. Conned her. She was romanticized was romantic tur wind and dine seduced her uh her probably probably fucked her even literally and figuratively yeah we've all been there well okay i wasn't we've all been there. Well, okay. I wasn't. We've all been there. I've been there as a young girl. Youth. A young youth.

And I did have a, it was a boy at the time, but I was a girl. So it's fine to, you know, talk about children that way. And I'm digging this hole really badly. What I'll say is. He was a boy. I was also a girl. Did you make it any more obvious? Can I make it any more obvious that it's legal, you guys?

Shut up. So this young man, when I was young, I felt... Skater boy? Definitely not a skater boy. I'm a Ryan Castor. I could never get those either, but I wanted them. You did ballet though, right? I did do ballet.

Yeah. Badly. And this guy, I definitely fell very hard for very quickly and then did end up having a little bit of an obsession for about three and a half years and I have googled it and it is called liminence okay okay everyone here is of sound mind liminence is... Were you expecting a round of applause for that? I thought there'd be one girly that I made eye contact with that was, yeah, really nodding along. You were looking for the sad girl.

Just vibing with you. Vibing. It kind of just looked like you were casting a spell on me. We were like, Liminance. Yes. And then you just like- I thought you were showing off. You're all obsessed with me now.

No. And it is an unhealthy obsession with something. And it's an object that you can't attain. And then your brain goes crazy and you crave it and you become obsessed with it. And it's only because you can't attain it that you're obsessed with it. Okay. That's kind of how I feel about that one time. Me about a child in high school.

But yeah, that's what happened to me. And that's what this sounds like. And as your doctor... As a medical professional, legally, you're allowed to say that. Your parents are doctors, so you can... I'm trickle-down. It's like genetically... Trickle-down economics.

Do we have the age? We don't have the age, no. So I'm not a doctor. But if they say they have clinical depression, isn't that not caused by him but if they say they have clinical depression, can't, isn't that not caused by him? And it's just in fact clinical. They didn't,

they didn't say they have clinical depression. They just said that they're, they just said that they're depressed. They're full on depressed. There's levels. There's full on depressed, there's clinical depressed. But I think what you're saying is right.

Something else is going on there, or you just have unhealthy, like ways of dealing with people, because you shouldn't fall that hard for someone that quickly, especially if it doesn't work out that quickly, because obviously then it wasn't going well anyway. But it's okay if that does happen. It depends how old you are. If you're a teenager and into your early mid-20s,

that's how I lived, honey. That was called a Monday for me. That's called Tuesday. I didn't fail. I did fail. University, because my high school sweetheart dumped me one month into university.

And that's normal. And we all do that. That's full-on depression. And look at us now. But they weren't expecting you to have an award-winning podcast. Take that, idiot. Trials and tribulations, they make you better. Yeah.

And I think this girl, she's got a bright future ahead of her. It's you. And probably some poetry in her. Did you write this? And probably some comedy in her. Should we neck and neck on the charts with this in a couple of years? Yeah, my real advice. Why would I ever give real advice?

I'm going to shut that down right now. My podcast advice. I want to hear it. It's more about what's going on with you. What's going on? Get those. You know, there's probably some cobwebs up in there that you got to brush out a little bit and figure out what's going on with me.

Go to a spa. Take some time. What's going on in the old noggin? What's happening? What's rooting around in the brain? And then, still depressed, go see a doctor immediately. Well, she does say that she's in therapy,

which makes me think that, like, she's been told this. She's been told, like, hey, here's the situation. And she was like, actually, I don't like that answer. I'm going to go to the internet. Okay. And I feel like that's kind of the vibe I get of being like, oh, because everyone, like, we all want to be validated, especially when we're doing something fucking crazy.

Yeah. And the second we have people being like, hey, you're being unreasonable or you're doing X and Y wrong, the first thing we do is like, ask Reddit. It's time for a second opinion. And I'm going to go where the crazies are, the internet. Yeah, she came to the right place.

I agree. That guy fucked. She's with us. Yeah, that guy fucked. Yeah, yeah. Now we've turned completely. Yeah, burn his house down. I also think like,

someone's not going to put you on antidepressants if you're just sad like you're like oh i'm kind of sad because i broke up i was like antidepressants they'll like be like oh you need these for like a deeper issue so kind of back to my other point about like the clinical depression is it's not from this guy it's probably an already standing issue and it's just being either exacerbated or assigned to this man well you got a different doctor than me honey she's handing those things out like candy no I'm kidding but she is actually for sure if anyone wants the hookup just talk to her after the show yeah yeah yeah she's a it's my parents I'm gonna she's a trickle-down doctor it's fine yeah

um but i do think like that advice is good to just like stay with the therapy and stay with the meds and like don't take the advice off reddit and also maybe not from this podcast we're not mental professionals please don't legally please don't do it Olivia. Well, he brought us on for our medical authority and our sexual authorities. Qualifications. One half of the table is medical, one half is sexual. You guys figure out which one is which. Sexual authority. I feel like you guys would be better suited to answer this.

Neither. Do you think it's normal for her to be? No. Do we think gender is involved? No. Okay. you're cancelled. I don't know necessarily. I think there is societal pressure that weighs

heavily on... I bet the two of you have broken some hearts in your day. Oh. Thrown under the bus here. Sucking up to the host. Not one heart. But there is like a societal pressure for women to find a romantic partner. As I'm sure you see in every movie and show that you watch.

That's the plot of every movie. Yeah, that's why we have partners. And there's like that that neat or like that broadcasting of being like oh you're not valid until you have until you've like found the one and like she talks about like oh i thought he was the one like i thought he was my person i don't like that it's a month that's why i know she's young yeah she might not be you don't feel that in your 30s you're like this guy's good i don't and i'm gonna hang tight i don't hate him i i'm really i feel too like um yeah if you still believe in the one unless you're talking about jet lee's yeah cinematic masterpiece in which he kills versions of himself to become stronger. And I do believe in that. And I do believe in that.

But I don't know. And I don't want to yuck yums, because if any of you believe in soulmates are the one, I love that for you. I think that's great. But my God. You know what I mean? Yikes.

Wait, cut that. Don't let her hear that I said that. That's terrible. That's actually the only thing. She's hurting. Why am't let her hear that I said that. That's terrible. That's actually the only thing. She's hurting. Why am I bullying her? I stand with her. Well, I will say there is a lot of pressure on women

to not be quote-unquote crazy during a breakup. You have to be the chill girl, and you have to be like, oh, I don't mind, whatever. Oh, you cheat on me? Oh, whatever. Roll off my back. And I do wonder if the pressure of that for this person

is bubbling bubbling bubbling and then she's just like i feel fucked me where did i just go where did i just go down memory lane um and i i think that is like very much a a factor in a lot of people's desire to attach so quickly to people yeah right like it's we keep saying she's young but like there is i i feel like just as much a possibility of being older and being like that clock is ticking the clock is ticking which is such a stupid mindset to have when when approaching like relationships um so i we see it all the fucking time. Yeah, I think this person could be literally any age.

Yeah, well. Maybe not like that sweet spot. Post 30, you're like, can he pay half the rent? Done deal. Does he wear shorts in the winter? Oh, does he wear shorts in the winter?

Does he say? I don't see anything wrong with this. We've all gone cuckoo. Yeah. We've all gone cuckoo. Yeah, we've all gone cuckoo bananas. I will say the only thing I'd love to see, and it is because I did do psychology in undergrad. Yes, stop your applause. Stop it, stop it.

And I would love to see attachment theory. I would love to see what this person was like as a baby when their mom left the room. What were they doing? Were they self soothing? Were they crying? Were you there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know it. We got some psych heads in the house.

I would love to see because I think that is where it all started. And I think that's a great way to end this one and move on to the next one. Sure, yeah. Once again, nailed it all started. And I think that's a great way to end this one and move on to the next one. Sure. Once again, nailed it, I think. Do you only have five minutes?

I got a good long one. Okay, we'll hit him with this. This is by user But Why Did He? Best friend posted his own wage slip through attractive neighbor's door to impress them. This is weird, right? Friend of mine earns a decent wage, 50k a year. his own wage slip through attractive neighbors door to impress them this is weird right friend of mine earns a decent wage 50k a year okay you wrote this he also had an extra 5k added to his

wage so before tax it was something like 9k it was an accounting error and i'm lost i'm lost i heard can you start again i heard the numbers were throwing me sure Sure. Start again. A friend of mine, not me, it's on Reddit, earns a decent wage, 50K a year. For June slip, he had an extra 5K. June slip? 50K a year? Like June's wage slip in June. Okay.

He got an extra 5K added. I feel like I'm in math class. Because of an accounting error. I don't know if the numbers really matter. 55,000. Continue. I have a screen in front of me. Fucking beautiful mind over beautiful mind i've still

got it numbers swirling around them can someone bring them up go go go uh i'm losing it it was an accounting error uh and they picked it up before they transferred them the funds however he had it in paper and he saw it as an opportunity to try and impress our attractive neighbor he put the weight slip in a blank 55 and posted it through her door, hoping she would open it, see his name, and be impressed he earns 9K a month before tax. She just posted it back through the door, letter unopened.

He is now planning to do it to another neighbor, this time a male who has a bigger house and apparently likes to think he is rich, two brand new low-spec BMWs on driveway, both on finance type of guy. Okay, this was written by an AI the way I cannot follow the way that an alpha male wrote this entire thing okay sorry so essentially what's happening is there is a roommate is it a Tinder swindler he's a Tinder swim has a roommate the

roommate the roommate extra 5k is 5K added to his wage slip and was like, you know what? This is my fucking chance. So the roommate is going, I make 55K on paper a year and I'm going to go around the neighborhood and show people that? No, it would work out to way more.

He's saying, if this girl sees this nine grand, she'll think I make nine grand a month. Oh, thank God. I was saying nine times 12. I was saying 108,000 a year. And she'll say, okay, fuck, he can pay more than half the rent. She'll say, I love a man who makes a nine times 12 figure salary. Wow, it's really crazy what a weird coincidence

ever since i was a girl i dreamed of finding a man who would earn nine times 12 salary um and if he don't make nine times 12 figure salary then well if these girls are anything like me they'd see the nine they go me not get it keep keep going to work don't don't care don't know what that was oh or if you're like me who has a weird sick obsession with with getting i used to get my old neighbor's mail and and it was always divorce papers parking tickets this guy did not have a good life and there's so many felonies right now oh my god God. And I just would be like, rip it up, throw it out. Then I realized- I just want to let you know

that that is a federal crime. Yes, it's a crime that I committed. That's a really serious crime. Don't worry. I've done it in one partially. Guess what? That was a joke that I just told and not real.

And when I learned it was a crime in this joke world, joke world I'm not affiliated with her this is Olivia talking I started to do a fun thing called return to sender where you write return to sender and I became obsessed with this

I felt like a mailman I felt so powerful nothing more powerful than a mailman that would be my inclination. If I get a little 9K check under the door that I can't cash, return to sender. You have the wrong address. Here you go, postman.

And that would be it. There'd be no interest in the document. The thing that I love about this is that in order for this to pay off, the person would have to. And I believe in most countries, opening mail that isn't addressed to you is a fairly serious crime. No. But he was clever because he planned for that

by giving them an empty blank envelope. So they'd be like, for me? Oh, yes. Which is insane because you wouldn't see that and be like, with her name on it. I miss that. I miss that. The best part is,

how did she know it was him if there's no name on it and she didn't open it? She didn't open it. It's a pay stub. It's a blank envelope. Because then he, the second part of the plan

is then he goes, he knocks on every single door of the building. He says, hey, did you happen to find my blank envelope that contains my 9,000 times 12 a year salary check oh i'm the really rich for finding it what are you doing later 108 um 108 and it's 108. yeah um i don't know like this is a scheme that, honestly, I'm starting to be impressed by this guy.

Liv loves it. It's industrious. It's calculating. Yeah, Liv loves when somebody like that puts effort in for them. She loves a good scheme. She's wooed by a scheme. So if you got a little 9K slip post in your door, how would you respond? I would say, how do I make this mine?

I'm not saying, what man is this attached to? Okay, I was going to say, do you want to just take the check, or did you want to find the person attached to it? No, I am seeing if I can make the check mine. Yeah, she's photocopying it at the public library

and then fucking trying to scratch it out to make it her name. The bank is going, have you ever cashed a check from here before no just cash it i'm going a different way on this one i'm going the way of which we all three four of us up here know uh that is how bad at math i am i am um i'm terrified of dying i'm terrified of being killed, stalked, shot, dead. And I would just... I'm worried about these windows tonight.

Sniper. Sniper windows. Sniper concerns were raised. Oh, there's a sniper in that condo? Sick. You've got a great view. John Wilkes Booth was mentioned. And so in that dark space that my mind lives,

what I will say is I'm getting a blank envelope slid under my door with a with a value like a number attached to it being like what is this it's only if you open it at one point it is a wage anthrax immediately not opening it firstly i'm thinking i'm getting thraxed then i'm going into the closet i am they send they always send anthrax to in a president politicians podcasters um and i'm going in the you cut you cut to me i see the envelope slides under the door i go immediately okay all right it's happening i'm in the closet i'm on the phone with 9-1-1 i tell them there's anthrax and i tell them to come immediately or i'm going to contact the media and escalate this so i don't think it would work on me but i don't know i'm curious let's let's toss it out any uh would anyone be impressed by this

yeah let's get some whoops by a raise of hands for a 9k wage slip and again that does come out to 108 let's we're in toronto honestly the 50k is impressive enough i'm going the other way okay everyone in this room rich as fuck i'm okay hold on we we have learned that you have to like we really gotta lay down what we're asking because we we get a little excited sometimes and the audience gets confused. We're supposed to expound for one hour on each question, right? And that's the podcast. If this would impress you, please applaud. Yeah, and that checks out. And you know what? That's why we pump the brakes sometimes.

And that's on me. And that's on me. Would you be saying, damn, I'm wet about this $9,000 check. I'm trying to be like, fuck buddies, the podcast. Trust me, I'm clutching my pearls about it. Would you say, holy fuck, a $9,000 check? Yes.

In this economy? All right, damn. And would you then go searching for the man? Yes. Yes. In this economy. All right. Damn. Damn. And would you then go searching for the man? Oh. Whoa. Okay. I love these girls.

Online. Try to find it first. Love that. Okay. Oh. Whoa. Okay. But you guys are hot.

I know. What the hell is going on i feel like 108 is thank god we found people earlier um oh oh just honestly this economy get on linkedin there are so many old like daddies trying to give you their go to earl that sucks go to financial district. That sucks. Go to Earl's. Go to Financial District. Oh, go to Moxie's on a Tuesday. My God. My final verdict,

that don't impress me much when you try to anthrax me and I have to call the cops on your ass. That's going to do it for our first act, friends. We're going to take a quick little break. It's an excellent time to, you time to maybe check your bank balances. Tag us all.

Yes. Slip some wage slips in the fucking table next door. Correct. Send us your questions. Yes. Also, oh, I forgot. On the QR code, you can send us your Tinder and dating profiles if you want them to be reviewed. We'll read them and we'll give you critiques and hopefully get you one of

them 9K fellas. So we will be back in about 15 minutes or so. Go to the bar and get a drink. Go get a drink. Remember that feeling of summers as a kid? Carefree days, hanging with friends, and the thrill of new adventures? At Camp Halcyon, you could reclaim that magic as an adult. Forget the Zoom meetings, the work emails, the daily grind. Here you'll trade in your cell phone for s'mores and your keyboards for campfires. Unleash your inner child with classic camp activities. Conquer your fear

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reconnect, and rediscover the magic of summer. Check out camphalcyon.com, C-A-M-P-H-A-L-C-Y-O-N.com, and book your escape to camp. Hello, friends. We're back. We came around and collected. You gave us a lot of questions, right? We got four. We've got a... I mean, I have multiple on this one.

Yeah, that's fair. Let's just... Should we should we just do things now you don't have to do things you don't have to read them if there's slurs on it or anything i don't know okay just in case she does have one that's kind of oh okay i got a great answer for it let's start with that one oh okay well okay so welcome me doing your that welcome back to part two of this podcast this is my podcast it's called fuck buddies I've been talking the most so obviously my podcast and what are we doing right now we're doing audience questions what if this was like a genie situation where Niall and I needed to trick two other people

to take on the show? We're finally free after five years. Now we're going to have a podcast. We can advertise. We're going to have a social life again. I hate podcasting. Okay, so my first question, very broad,

it is what are your thoughts on being gay? Someone's trying to get you canceled. Well, my thoughts are, love it. Let's ride. Let's ride. Thoughts on being gay? Aren't we all gay kind of though, for real? Yeah.

I for sure don't know what I am. Do you know what I mean? Ah, whatever. No, keep talking. It's a Thursday. What are your thoughts on being gay, Maddie Foley? All of my, most of my girlfriends are gay. That's what people always say.

I have a gay friend. Uncle. I have a gay friend. I have a gay friend. Uncle. I have a gay friend. I have a gay friend. This person wanted to watch me squirm, but yes, I love gay people. Imagine if that was,

like, we got up here and we're just like, can't stand them. Just like, imagine. Yeah, it's a fun sex show,

but we're homophobic. So sex positive, so supportive for like, so many communities. But not that. But but like we just have a heart anything but that imagine these two weren't and we were like this is so much fun oh my god i'm like read this question oh fuck no i know i love it she loves it i love it and i don't

honestly prefer it yeah oh honestly prefer it yes Yeah. Oh, honestly? Prefer it. Yes. Yes. Okay. Top tier. Do I do all of my questions first? Fuck yeah, let's go. Okay, let's run them.

Okay, number two. I want to post my significant other in an FB group, Facebook. That allows you to ask others if they are seeing them too. Oh. What do you think of this brutal honesty honestly i hate that i'm going to ask it again because i am hearing some people going what did that woman just i love this person i hate that i want to post my significant other in a facebook group that allows you to ask the group is if they're seeing them too here's my boyfriend i'm posting a pic yeah saying like are you guys dating this guy because he's my boy asking for snitches a full snitch facebook group yeah there's a bunch of those what do you think

of this be brutally honest be brutally honest honestly i'm old-fashioned snitches belong in ditches i say go for the ride see what happens you know wait what is monogamy anyway oh man i couldn't have put it better i i i love the gray space myself as well i love going what are what are we? And who are you with? And isn't that exciting? So much more fun when you don't know. I love getting jealous and sick in the head about it. It's interesting to me because I

have a friend who is very into this group. Oh, you know this question. Is this a specific well-known group? There's a Toronto, like, are you dating this guy, I think is what it's called. Oh. You have to be invited in by girls that are already in it.

No guys allowed. The concept is, like, it's part, like, mean girl burn book, but also, like, safety thing. So it's, like, you can go and be like hey like has anyone gone on a date with this and people could be like actually like last time i went on a date with him he slipped a 9k wage slip through my door yeah um so it's like not just about finding out are we dating the same guy but it's you tossing out is this guy sketchy it's kind of like my teacher but for random men oh it's basic safety 101 yeah um i love that then i also so as a as the person doing it i'm loosey goosey let's have fun

i don't know i don't know if i want the facebook notifications popping up saying like yes i'm dating you're gonna have a heart attack every time you get a facebook notification for the rest of that week well i don't even have the app anymore so that would be tricky for me to have to redownload that yeah yeah however as a spectator of these things oh mommy love of course i want to look at the group now but of course i'm joining it right now also you know what in my day you dated the ditch pig and then you had stories to tell what are you saying is the ditch pig where the stitches i'm saying we didn't have resources to toss out what is this guy gonna throw a cigarette in my face we didn't know we didn't wait no and are you saying ditch pig yeah a ditch pig that's what

i call my exes milk duds and ditch pigs let's go we get the episode title but i've seen so many and i am young as hell obviously i'm 21 and i'm on tick tock and i um okay no one laughed, so maybe I am passing for 21. That's fine. I love that. I did do the lights. I am seeing... I did notice that. I did sneak Botox in your face. I am loving on TikTok seeing the brave women who follow someone's boyfriend, message them and go,

oh, you're hot. I'm loving what's up. Will you cheat? What's up? And then I love watching the boyfriend's response. It's so delectable. Because 99% of the time, yes, they'll cheat. They're down.

They love it. They have no qualms. So as a spectator, keep this Facebook group alive I love it I would I want to get on it I wonder where this question came from our girlies our nine check our $9,000 check girlies to me sig other is what's throwing me off because it's different if you went on one date with an online guy who's like weird as fuck and you're like you just want that date was weird and then yeah and you want to find a community who also maybe had a strange experience but if you're like i want to date this i want to post this guy

who i'm fully dating who's my boyfriend we're in love it's been six years there's like a bigger issue here than and that's i think where the honesty comes in it's like if you don't trust your partner that's problem enough yeah like the app probably isn't necessary. I want to get real as hell with you guys. Okay. And that's the truth. And we love that coming from you. And your silence tells me you're struck by what we just said. Yeah. Do you have any more on your sheet?

Yes, I do have one more. Okay. This is a great one for the class. This one, I love. This one, it's good. Thoughts on a 27-year-old man dating 20 to 21-year-old women. Just in general, a seven-year age gap where the woman is 20 and the man is closer to 30, I would say.

Okay, so I did an Elmo voice. I started an Elmo voice and I bailed out of it. Finish the whole question in the elmo what i so so the thing is i don't know what my ages are i've thought about this so many times because is it okay for like a 24 year old to date a 32 year old? I don't know. Yes. Okay. But is it okay for a 19 year old to date a 26 year old? See?

Yeah. And the gap is the same. No. It's brain development. The older you get. It's about when your brain has developed. It's about the prefrontal cortex. It really is. Like a 50-year-old and a 60-year-old,

no one's even fucking blinking. People are like, yeah, whatever, 10-year age gap. But if that happens in your 20s, it's a lot weirder. I will say, too, as someone who has child blindness, which is when you don't know how old a child is, I see a two-year-old, I'm thinking they're in grade seven. Child blindness? Child blindness. Child blindness.

That sounds like something a pedophile would say. Oh, that's actually deep. That's actually- I have child blindness. I can't see age. Funny- I cannot see age. Maybe we are getting canceled.

I don't know. I just don't see age. I don't see age. Can we go back to how much you hate gay people? Wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to say I feel like okay i'm back into a corner all three of you are getting up on what age does your child blindness cut off because i don't know why it's relevant my my my child blindness is actually so anti-pedophile

that you guys are going to be fucking egg on your face about it my child blindness is my child blindness is they're all so young i don't even want to look at them i i see a bunch of first year university students i go are they on a greed well to me i'm seeing these gals i'm saying child well how do they get in what check their ids that checks out i knew it i knew it card them so many crimes in this world I agree that's strong

snitch energy over there yeah Liz is snitch she loves that hold on let me call the sniper oh no my snitch

slipped out my snitch slipped out earlier today to me 20 sex show I can say that

to me yeah what is your age 20 equals 19 20 equals teenager yeah 20 equals 14 so 20 and 30 to me is where it starts to get like yeah i think it comes down for me age is there's two things you need to consider and that's power dynamic yeah and. Damn it. They're so smart. So it's like, I think there's like, I, you know. I mean, under 25, you're a fucking moron. And I'm sorry, but there's nothing going on. You're going, maybe I'll get a tattoo and try ayahuasca. And then I'll, oh, I don't want to be in psychology anymore.

Oh, there's cockroaches in my house. That's fine. I'll live with them for two years like you're not there mentally so if you had someone in there i never went through that okay with cockroaches we all had cockroaches for two years and lived with them and just Don't relate to that. But yeah, I... No comment. Thanks for cutting me off for that. So it's like, if you are an absolute fucking idiot,

then if there's a maturity imbalance, then no to the 27-year-olds. Are we going to say, yes, but they're a very mature 17-year-old. Yeah, exactly. They grew up in hard times and they became an adult before they needed to be.

I'm anti- And now I'm putting that to you guys. I'm Benjamin buttoning immaturity. Like I was I was a very, very serious kid

and as I got older and more like- So would it be okay for someone to date you as a kid? It actually would have been better. If you factor in Maddie's child blindness, it's all fine.

Yeah. She doesn't even know. Are you two or are you 14? I have no idea. I mean, we were in Philly recently and we were in a bar in like a college neighborhood. I'm scared. And at one point in time,

the bar started filling up and I was just like, it was hell. I was like, did a school bus just fill up? What the fuck is happening? Okay, what field trip are we on? We're on a brewery trip.

They were even 21 because it's fucking America. They looked like they were 14 and we were like, we gotta go. The bartender was like, I wish I could go. We're like, so sorry.

I think 20 to 27 is borderline bad, if not bad. And again, it depends on the situation. I don't think you can go any further than that. And like, as you get older, it does get better, right? So if it was like 30 to 37, nobody even fucking cares. It's about the development of the brain. Maturity, power levels, and then the individuals. Also, I'll end on this.

If the man is a stand-up comedian at any age, it's a no from me, dog. Is he a promoter or a DJ? Is he a club promoter? Oh, then it's fine all the time. If at any point in time he told you he can get you on a list, he's on one himself. Oh.

For sure. If he used to run those office hoes and CEOs parties in university, never date him no matter the age. And dead silence. Perfect. Let's move on. Okay. I've got three as well.

The first one, wild, and not really what we talk about on this show, but I'm going to do it because I have a commitment to our audience. I'm scared. Are humans red meat or white meat? White meat. Red meat, right? White meat.

Because we're like long pig. Wait. Long pig's the term cannibals use for humans? Let's slice into it. Does anyone have a breast knife for us to slice in hold on what the fuck are you saying

are humans cannibals describe people as long pig because apparently people taste like pigs okay and pork is white meat is it yes

isn't chicken white meat pork is the other white meat well then we're white meat I guess the other white meat that's my that's my something that only 21 year olds would know what does that mean yes we're white meat

according to Niall and can actually definitive answer I'm not one fucking talk to an expert cannibals like let's be fair yeah white meat done vegetarian so I don't know about any of this. I actually don't see color. I actually don't see red meat or white meat. I think we're all delicious. Number two, how do I bring up to my girlfriend that I bought a strap on? Just bring it up.

Hey, babe, I bought a strap on. I mean, I think, yes. I think there's also, I rarely do I want to put this on, but I also think there needs to be, I need to know gender dynamics in this, right? Like, I think it's a different situation if I- Are we having a penetrance? I just heard something from the audience.

Let's hear. I just heard, that's for her, not for him. Depending. But, I mean, there are men who can benefit from the use of a strap-on. I think in general, it's like you should... Yeah, let's clarify. Let's get a clarify. For a second there, I thought you were being shitty to men who might want that.

Huh? Okay, wait. Someone's bought a strap-on. Yes. Men can enjoy strap-ons too. Men can use strap-ons. I mean, there are medical conditions in which men cannot. Or their partner could use it on them.

Apparently, pegging is lovely this time of year. Why am I selling that? It's a great year for pegging. So it could be anything. But yeah, I think in general, it doesn't matter your gender. It matters if your partner is into that. Yes. So you have to have a conversation about being like,

hey, there's a thing I'm into. I want to put a strap on on and fuck you with it. Introducing a toy but can be misconstrued as, honey, what we're doing isn't enough. I got to get some backup in here, which I get. So I guess that's the combo is how to broach that. Yeah, and it's not a magic trick, right? Oh my God, that converse. I'm literally, I get. So I guess that's the combo is how to broach that. Yeah, and it's not a magic trick, right? Oh my God, that converse, I'm literally,

I just died imagining being in that conversation. Honey, what's happening? It's not enough. So what'd you say? It was horrific. That's an unfair misconception of toys. So I gotta get some backup in here. Yeah.

Oh my God. I die, leave the room, never look at the person it's like i like i you know i have a friend of a friend of a friend who has a vibrator that they wanted to introduce into sex with their both like sis you never told me you have a friend with a vibrator my god oh whoa wait you never told me either. Maybe I did. What the fuck? Guys, read between the lines. Maybe it's not a friend at all. Wait, you guys fell out? Maybe.

You're supposed to disclose these sorts of things before you start a podcast with someone. Sorry, you're on a sex show, and maybe some things come out that freak people out, but all I'll say is, maybe you want to introduce a vibrator into your sex life, but you are kind of like, will your partner be like, like oh i guess i'm not doing it for you then and have to go to therapy clinical depression right so how do you broach it um what did my little friend do i

don't remember this about four years ago uh i think it was just like do you want to try something fun like make it for the two of you yeah do rock on signs rock on signs that's the first step graphic t rock on sign park a harley outside the building um be vague about it go in hey do you want to be smoking a cigarette have a leather jacket make a weird face do a weird voice see how they react maybe they think you're talking about mini putt do you want to do something fun and then sort of just conversationally conversationally conversationally and just see how it goes i don't know try it out be fun Be fun. Be fucking fun for once in your life. Do some clowning. Do a clown.

Yeah. Do a mime. Mime. I don't know. Make it fun. Make it flirty. Hey, I gotta tell you. Ladies, what the fuck are you talking about?

Honestly, I don't know. I'm so scared. The Tantans. I know I was fooling all of you, but we're actually huge barbara bush type yeah i'm trying to be cool as oh god and we're trying to be stern boys but it's hard man i'm talking about it i'm talking about no no i was making sense and i'm doubling down you were until you said do a mime what is i we actually what is that clowning well the is, 2024 is the year of like,

you know, we want to communicate, but like words are fucking passe at this point, right? So you go like... This is great audio for our podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good thing we got this GoPro right here. I'm so glad we did a mime joke. But you guys did raise a really good point about people may feel like, you know,

you introducing a toy is like saying they're not good enough etc which is why when you do communicate and bring up what you want to introduce you need to one make sure they are into it yeah and to make sure that it doesn't come across like you're like hey you suck i need a strap on i mean that is what it means but you don't want i'm kidding i'm kidding i mean like i think that's the that's the tough thing about bringing toys into. And especially, again, as a straight dude, I don't know the dynamics of toys in a queer relationship.

But I know there is a huge level of insecurity. Men are terrible about that. Perhaps you could speak to that with your child blindness when you bring toys into the situation. A transformer goes a long way sometimes. blindness when you bring your toys into the situation. A transformer goes a long way sometimes. Really distracts them.

Let's move on. I never thought I'd get painted as a pedophile tonight. Just be chill. Be honest. Be confident. Have fun. Bring it up before you pull it out. Don't just whip it out. And we talked about this last week, where if you're having bedroom talk,

have it outside of the bedroom. Because in the moment, your blood and your attention are elsewhere. In your boobs. Yeah, they're in your boobs. Your boobs are bleeding blood. I also think don't just whip it out is across the board solid advice.

Yeah, that's pretty good advice. It's solid. Last one for this guy. Wait, but who did you think the most oppressed person in the crowd was? And I think we can all unanimously say across the board. You know. You know.

Everyone looked around and they pegged you Everyone in the room knows. You know. I got one here. If I were to get a fuck blanket, a blanket we fuck on so the bed doesn't get wet, obviously. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone knows. What podcast branding would 30 going on 13 suggest?

Well, you know what? I'm going to be real with you for a second. We use a towel, and I hate it. It's not big enough. I've seen your guys' blankets oh oh you asked you asked this question you know what's upsetting is my partner was like i'm gonna be so sweet and romantic i'm gonna order this this this podcaster gal of mine a little branded merch of a nice sweet innocent beautiful little blanket blanket that happened to end up being much smaller than what he expected it to be it was more like a

face towel size about this big and some sick freak in this audience dubbed it a fuck blanket because it is yeah I mean you drape it on our con booth every now and now we do use it at conventions we do use it as our live show blanket um I mean live shows are I'm a lot of our live shows do have inspiration taking from Amsterdam sex shows, but our, all that to say, you know, I use a towel and this towel is a regular home sense towel. One specific one.

No, we rotate, we rotate and that's better. It's not big enough. I, it's not, it's not the towel that but you rotate it what yeah all of your towels all of our towels are the same size we gotta get a beach towel listen we're not using a beach towel you throw blankets but i'm but i'm trying why do you need a towel i'm backing you up this towel is just wash your sheets i'm gonna murder you firstly how dare you i'll never wash my sheets secondly what are we rich oh my god who do you

think i am a housewife secondly i was gonna say i think having a dedicated fuck blanket is adorable, cute, fun. I love that your bee did that for you and I support you as a friend. And so, it's kind of fucked that you just attacked me like that. That's all I'll say. I think there is something cute about being like, you know, you go into the closet and you

pull it out. Like a picnic. Right? Like, it's just kind of like, put it down. A little picnic. It? Like, it's just kind of like, put it down. A little picnic. It's like the linen equivalent of business time by Flight of the Conchords. Well, I think it's great. To me, that is straight up university dorm. I have my period, like, oh, God. That's so not sexy.

Yes. It's like, throw down the blanket 20 year old guy oh like you're let's fuck i have my period like you're a fucking and this mattress doesn't belong to me it belongs to the resident like you're a horse in a barn giving birth like putting the blanket down for the calf to come out you're a grown, you get your liquids on your bed. You know what? On your pure bed like God intended. But with Maddie's child blindness,

they may not be a grown adult. Wait, what? Is that a question from the audience? No, it's not. But it does actually tie in, not that part, but the period part. How do you say no to your boyfriend

without letting him know you have your period, brackets, ew, and not have him break up with you? Wait, I don't even get it. I don't agree with the brackets, ew. Oh, it's a teen question. Okay, this is a teen question. Oh, teen. I thought it said team question.

I take it all back. We'll deal with that later. And now the brackets make so much more sense. That's okay. I've got this one. I'm an idiot. I like how you were like, oh, this is a solo question. This is a team question. This question is just for Maddie and Dick. Yeah, I didn't really think about that. But, okay.

I felt really inclusive. Hell yeah. Team question. I'm trying to decide if I want to participate in an orgy. I've enjoyed them in the past, but I'm not excited this time. Maybe I'm just nervous or have my tastes changed should i go and see or hold off don't do what you don't want to do it's a yes or a no and i gotta tell you if it's an orgy it's it's got to be multiple yeses yeah this isn't a private

residence i can't imagine how awkward it is showing up to an orgy and being like you know what no i'm just gonna i'm know what no i'm just gonna i'm just gonna go i'm just gonna hang out in the kitchen for a bit and just kind of like scope it out yeah you kind of watch for a bit and then you leave everyone's gonna be like thanks i will say being lukewarm about going to an orgy is very funny i this is a humble brag someone's like I've been to so many orgies. This one? Yeah.

I guess I'll go get fucked eight different ways. Is it worth booking off work for? I agree with Liv. Let's take the true crime route because obviously we are. Wait, what? What? Pardon? You said.

Oh, is it in a private residence? Is it in a private residence? Is it in a private residence or is it at an oasis sex lounge? Aqua lounge at the... Comedians love that place. Oh, man. They do. So because that for me,

that is going to be... Not sexy ones, I'll tell you. Really going for the Toronto comedy scene this episode. Oh, yeah. Not against it. I mean, I guess it's the same as like, I guess that would be the same as like, are we going out

to see a movie or are we staying in with friends and watching a movie? Because they're, it's different energy. I'm at the theater. Do I wear my nice underwear? The cheap day, you're worried a bunch of teens are going to come and ruin the movie by being really loud. Are the teens going to be there?die am i gonna think they're free are they

gonna be ruining the movie do i have to do the whole performance of and this is how socially awkward i truly am she's gonna do the robot do i do i have to do the whole performance of one popcorn please and then go sit at my seat and be in public. I'm lost. Or... Are we still talking about the orgy? Yes, we are, but I'm in the metaphor.

You don't bring popcorn to an orgy, you fucking weirdo. No, no, no. Hey, you know what? If you're only showing up to watch and leave, you may as well bring fucking popcorn. Or...

Can you guys stay in this metaphor with me? I really am proud of it. Hey, I don't know if I started it. Either way, you've got sticky fingers. Are we going to a... Are we... Oh, my God. I'm going to be dead by the end of this.

Hey, we've barely said come, so you're welcome. Or are we going to a friend's house to tastefully watch a movie where we can all relax? I think the energy of the orgy... The last place I want an orgy is at my friend's house. It's a metaphor! But is the movie fucking? No, the movie's the sex club. The private residence.

Is the friend's house the sex club? No, the friend's house is the private domicile. The friend's house is a house. Right, Maddie? Right, but you're going to do... You're watching a movie.

I don't want to have sex with my friends. The movie is the fucking. I'm going to murder... Yeah, I'm sorry. I thought you meant yeah i'm sorry i thought you were gonna murder all three of you out back i'll i'll say the if you don't want to go don't go yeah i think you're all god damn that's all i do in my life these days and i end up orgies well yes we bought the domain name if you don't want to go don't go.com where you don't want to actually do it yeah nice because i i bought and also stop sexualizing ghosts and dogs that org that's a huge other thing

we advocate for stop sexualizing ghosts and dogs i don't like it those are two orgs that we own? Which one gets more hits? To finish... LOL. Yeah. Do you have a question? I wouldn't want to go. I wouldn't go. Okay. Is it a quick one? Yeah, it's fast. Let's knock it out.

Do you think Google is a man or a woman? Context, is Google mansplaining my body to me? Yeah, Google's a man. Now, this is interesting. Yeah, of course Google's a man. Well, hold on.

Hold on. High up power is a man. This question is long from the get-go because it only gives us two options. Don't get us started about google and being men google is the straightest whitest man i've ever met in my life i ask him a question he goes did you actually mean this she goes no i didn't is it okay for a 20 year old woman to date a 27 year old man he goes yes of course. It's fine. Then all of a sudden, your email just starts popping off.

I Google, I go, why am I so tired all the time? It goes, now, Ask Jeeves is a woman. Ask Jeeves is a woman. Yeah, they threw us for a loop with that one, but it's true. Because Ask Jeeves is there for you and supports you and uh supports you

and also likes when you ask questions when you ask google questions literally everyone here what's ask jeeves oh yeah we're all i only have tiktok i know what's yahoo answers okay also too this is how i know google is a man i i type in i, what time does the movie start? It goes, hey baby, you up? Like that was like the only thing that came up. Oh my God. I start getting texts and DMs. You know what that makes me think of? There was a full year in my 20s

where I just texted the same guy every single weekend, you at Mod Club. For like probably two years straight, you at Mod Club. Every time she got drunk? Anyway, I don't drink anymore.

Did he ever reply? Was it a bit or were you actually curious? No, I actually was just like drunk and I'm like, he was never at Mod Club. Sometimes I wasn't at Mod Club. Hey,

sometimes you just gotta know. Anyways, Google's a man and yeah, he's been in my DMs for fucking months now. Won't stop sending me dick pics. So, whatever. DMs for fucking months now. Won't stop sending me dick pics, so whatever.

Love that for you. Yeah. We're gonna take another quick break. We're gonna come back for a final third act. That is a chance for if you have a teen question, if you have a question that you wish you could have asked. Teen, not team. Teenager, not team.

Maybe put it in all caps because apparently I have paper blindness. When you were a kid, what was a very silly belief you had about sex? A question that you have that you were like, what the heck is this about? Now, this is more in our wheelhouse. On top of that, we're going to be doing our shot raffle very quickly. So if you haven't made a post and you want shots, you should probably fucking make a post. And also, send in your profiles to us

if you want them reviewed. And we do have a very special surprise for the two of you. Oh, we do have a special surprise for the girls, but that'll be in the third act. Stop, is it a hypnotist? We'll be back. We didn't get you guys anything. Thank you to everybody who participated in our little shot contest.

The shots went to the chaos table, so they're going to be even more chaotic. Yay! Yay! Woo! The youths. Yeah. Shots. Yeah the chaos table, so they're going to be even more chaotic. Yay! Yay! Woo! The Utes. Yeah. Shots. Yeah, take them.

In our day, there was this thing. Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Everybody. Yes. Everybody. Jaeger bombs. Look at them. They're doing shots, everybody.

Oh, that's fun as fuck. That's fun as fuck, man. I want to be friends with that table. God, it's fun as fuck. That's fun as fuck, man. I want to be friends with that table. God, it's cool to drink. So we teased that we had a surprise for you at the end. I'm so scared. This is anthrax. Please don't make me wear a bikini in front of this whole room.

Have you heard of Mystic Murray? Is it anthrax? Mystic murder? Mystic Murray. Mystic Murray. He's a local Toronto hypnotist. No. So he does a thing. He's a local Toronto hypnotist. No. So he does a thing.

He's a sex hypnotist. I don't know if anyone has heard of that. Is this a fucking prank? I'm actually scared as hell. I'm going to puke. Literally, my blood just ran cold. You have a fear of hypnotists? Do you not know that we were literally saying on the podcast,

I swear to God, if they bring a hypnotist in, who makes us do embarrassing things like fuck a stool in front of everyone, I'm going to kill myself. Can we get the stool? We didn't bring the stool. Which is good. So if Mystic Murray wants to come up to the stage and of course we're fucking with you. Yeah, no, we. You think we don't want to see your show?

I don't listen to your fucking show, guys. If there was a Mystic Murray hypnotist, it was that guy sitting at the bar and I don't see him anymore. He did leave. I don't know. He took a lot of videos though bar and i don't see him anymore he did leave i don't know he took a lot of videos though so i don't know did he have a good time he was taking a lot of videos i'm actually crying right now i got so scared that a hypnotist was here okay that's like a phone that's like remember when kristen literally were discussing that this funny joke became not funny i'm so sorry i'm apparently i have a phobia of hypnotist that i mystic murray yes yeah hugely that guy sounds like he wears a cowboy hat and then would make

you fuck a stool yeah for some reason in my head he had the riddler suit on to me he was that guy sitting it's that guy at the bar and he comes up up from the fucking floorboards. He's levitating. So we call it elevator. I'm so scared. So what is this then? A trip? There's no surprise. Oh, that's for later.

Don't fucking flip that. Okay. It's anthrax. I'm scared. I'm going to start this off with a younger question that Niall, as a youth, had. Oh. Aw. So this is our teen throwback.

This is our teen throwback section. Because teen throwback and that's because our podcast does teen movies tv shows from the 90s we review them and then we talk about them through adult lens this was their idea it's very funny i love it and it was our idea if it's fun it was their idea if it's there you go so this was their idea uh okay be kind this is little nile i'm gonna say it and then you Have to talk about it And then maybe I'll give context

Okay I'll put on my Squeaky young Niall voice I don't know Aww What's a pyramid? What's a pyramid? Okay

Now we Pyramid Would not have even Come across my desk As a teen So did you think That girls got their pyramids? Yes.

Okay. Oh! I was told by the slightly older boys, who wasn't a prank. What, I think there was a sex-move pyramid. They didn't know either. They were like, hey, hey, I found out. It was like a little meeting by the bushes,

and they were like, guys, I have secret information about women. And they were like, girls get a pyramid that is and all i was told about the pyramid is that women get red and sweaty and i was like this doesn't make any sense but i was like yeah i know women get pyramids and i was really like i was very confident about like boasting about this to people who also didn't know who thought I was then in the know. I was like nine. That's kind of rad as fuck.

Because we all know the pyramids were made by aliens. Exactly. Much like women. Mystical powers were all kind of connected. It's kind of witchy and spiritual. I love that. I guess there's not much of an answer to that but the other one is i how did they do it about kissing in movies which i thought was

always faked because there's no way people would kiss if they didn't love each other so every movie i saw i was like how did they do it how long how did that go on? Until about last year. No. I don't know. I honestly don't know. Probably a lot longer than it should have. I would actually love to give young Niall an answer to that as film and TV. Oh, God. Here we go. Here we go.

How did we make it to the third act? Yes. I'm in the business. If you were wondering why this girl looks familiar yes she's the cbc darling of a little show called one more time yeah i've got headshots in my car if anybody wants them and wants to give them listen they're starstruck so silent they're so starstruck about a show that they've never watched um cbc cbc so as someone in the biz, young Niall, what actually happens. How do they fake it? So they will bring the loving partner of each actor in.

And they wear like a Mission Impossible style. And they side each other. And so it's mirrors. It's smoke and mirrors. What they'll do, sort of like in the parent shop, is when they're making out, they'll actually be shooting it this way with the loving partner. But the partner will be wearing a wig to match the actor.

I knew it. And what if they don't have a loving partner? Well. They bring in a parent. If you don't have a loving partner. How do you know how to kiss? You're not getting cast in anything. Oh, that's a great point.

Because you have to be hot. Well, you've got to be hot. You've got to be sought after. Number one sought after talent. You've got to have a great point. Because you have to be hot. Well, you got to be hot. You got to be sought after. Number one sought after talent. You got to have a loving partner. So, yeah. That's how acting works. That's how the business works.

Sorry, single people. You can't act. I'm kidding. Everybody. No wonder it's called Holly Weird. Nice one. You fucking nailed it. My childhood youth experience is so much different than yours.

Niall, you're so cute. Oh, you came from a country with sex ed. Great. I was such a horny kid. I was also a horny kid. I just didn't understand things when I was a fucking kid. These weren't even teen questions. I'm sorry.

You thought that someone had to be in love to kiss. You were not horny. No, I thought you wouldn't get paid to kiss. That's so cute. There was no sex in Ireland? I was less than 10. It doesn't matter. One thing about Ireland.

I want to have a horny kid off. I think I will win. Tons of potatoes, no sex. Lots of potatoes, no sex. Okay, hold on. Also no snakes. Really quick. Nell just threw down a gauntlet of saying horny kid challenge.

Yeah. I'm sure you don't want to participate in this, but if you would like to, what is your horniest childhood memory? Oh. Pass. Horny kid, and let me direct you to my site, stopmakingkidshorny.org.

It's fine because we're talking about ourselves as kids. Horniest memory as a kid. For you, it's Jeremy Sumter, Peter Pan. Yeah, it is. Sort of like semi-masturbating. Ew. In the theater when I didn't know what it was. Whoa.

In the theater? Okay. Oh, my God. To Jeremy Sumter as Peter Pan. And now I follow him on Instagram. Peter Pan? And he don't impress me much anymore. But when I was a child, Peter Pan, played by Jeremy Sumter.

Google it. Google it. It awoke something in me. And yeah, there was, I don't know, there was rubbing and I was in a theater and I didn't know when it was dark. I guess I'm kind of like one of those old school pervs that goes to the theater. I had a hole in my popcorn bag as I was watching Peter Pan. For what?

This is why you were talking about orgies in films earlier. It is just like going to the movies for you. Hey, let me tell you, I don't know. I was pretty confident at the start of this But I don't know if I can beat jerking off in a theater as a child Yeah I don't know if I can beat Jerking it at the

Jerking it at the Jerking it at the Ancaster Cineplex To Peter Pan That's Yeah I mean I did it Whatever Who cares

Get over it Grow up Alright and Hal What about you? I got my first handjob in the pit of a Slipknot concert at 13. Everyone's getting handjobs

at 13. That ain't horny. Yeah, everyone was giving handjobs at 13. We all got handjobs at a Slipknot concert. No one does their first kiss

at 18. I lost my virginity like a year later. No one waits till they're 18 to make out and then has their boyfriend say wow, that was like a dog lapping up water.

Wait, sorry, what? Hold on, I missed the start of that story. So on the reverse side, we do have sort of the last horse to cross the finish line. I was in French immersion. French immersion is a different world. If there's something you need to know. French immersion is a different world. If there's something you need to know, French immersion is a different world. You're not allowed to be a horny kid, and what ends up happening is you have-

You're studying. You're studying. Well, you're learning two languages. My God. You're learning math in French. That's crazy. What are the numbers you can look like? So I guess, Livia, your experience is that

unlike me masturbating in a theater at 11 years old, you... That's not a brag. Huge brag. Flexing. Flexing on everyone

about that. You're flexing pretty hard. You had your first kiss at... What age? The tender age of 18. Eight. Legal to buy.

Nice legal. Legal to buy. Nice legal. Legal to buy. Lottery card. And lighters. And lighters. And it didn't go well. And, you know, you think you wait all that time. Maybe somehow the skill will just come.

But for me, it didn't. No, it's really about practice. See, I thought we were going to talk about horny fantasies we had as kids. But you guys are just... I'm sorry that I masturbated in a theater. See, actions speak louder than thoughts. I've been waiting for that apology.

A judge has been waiting for that apology. I got my first blowjob in grade 9. So whatever that is. I'm scandalized. Some say So whatever that is. Huge. I'm scandalized. Some say that's a year after 13. So you weren't in French immersion. I wasn't, no.

Okay. She was French, though. They invented it. I got my first blowjob. However, it was on the day that my mom had gone in for a tumor removal. For a minute, I was like, wait, your mom is alive. Okay, good. My mom is fine. She's a cancer survivor. She's great. It was okay.

Not after she hears this. However, I was like, I was both, like, I had set this sort of, like, lunchtime rendezvous up. Damn. Oh, damn. While your mom was in the hospital? Hey, my mom's gone. You're in the ninth grade. No one's home. Rendezvous?

It wasn't at my place. No one's home. Don't ask why. It's really fucking sad. I might not be coming back ever again. But I was so concerned about the safety of my mother that I couldn't finish. Love that. Oh, I love that. Some might say the horniest story

we've heard so far. Absolutely. Couldn't come, was 14. Yeah. Sorry I'm not jizzing in a Slipknot concert. Hey. Masturbating in a theater. Now that I can get on board with. Yes, I'm a vagrant or whatever.

So did you... So you didn't finish my cue. And I mean, you were young, so this feels whatever. But did you make her continue under the guise? Or did you go, it's not happening? I did pull the plug. Thank God. However, my excuse was, lunch is almost over.

I think I heard the bell. That's a pretty good excuse. We should probably get back to class. Well, I actually have a fun question from while we're in blowjob land. And this is from not me as a young kid. This is from another young person asking this. Fatty Moly. This is from Fatty Moly.

This is from Mabdy Foley. This is from Liv Collin. And the question is, why the sweet fuck is it called a blowjob when you're not supposed to blow on it and blowing is not involved at all. I thought you said we're not workshopping stand-up

bits. That's not workshopping stand-up. Oh, what if they call it a blowjob? Hey, what's the deal with blowjobs? But for real, do we know why it's called a blowjob. There's not much blowjob over here. What's the deal with blowjobs? But for real, do we know why it's called a blowjob? It's a bad name.

Thank you. That's all I needed. It's a bad name. It's not great. That's all I needed. Great. We can move on. That's all I needed. On the topic of blowjobs, here's another one. Is cum supposed to taste this bad? And how do I bring this up? This one's not for me.

I love that. I hope everyone's done their delicious food already. Oh, God. I have, cum is on a spectrum. Do you remember, it was such a big thing to say, do you sucker, do you swallow? Do you spit or swallow? Do you spit or swallow?

I can't even say it because I would never ask. I was like. Do you spit or swallow? Do you spit or swallow? I can't even say it because I would never ask. I was like... Do you spit or swallow? I will say cum is on a spectrum. I've had... And at its best, it's neutral. We're on a sex show, Olivia. If you don't stop looking at me like that,

I'm going to freak out. Cum is on a spectrum. It is either absolutely fucking horrific or neutral. Part one. Part two two i always spit i never i've never met a man i haven't no absolutely not it's hideous it's not meant for swallowing it's not uh how many calories are in it's not like you digestible. You take it in and then you go, absolute. No.

I go, what is the lacto? I don't know. That's the blow part. That's the blow part. You put it back in. Like a straw. Like we said, that imperfect unison is

worrying. I've been missing a crucial part. You just take it? You can refund it. What are they going to do? It's gone now. I've been hoarding it, I guess. You know how hard we work for that?

That's what the towel is for. Okay. You've just got like a saloon-style spittoon in the corner. I do have, so I have, do we have any more? We can leave Blowjobland. Children's questions? Okay. Let's leave Blowjobland.

I actually have a. I have an audience question that I want to get to as well. I have one too. Let's rapid fire these boys. Let's rapid blowjob land. I actually have a... I have an audience question that I want to get to as well. So let's rapid fire these boys. Let's rapid fire. Okay. Is squirt just pee? No.

No. Oh, some scientists in the crowd. I think you're all wrong actually about that. What's the makeup? It's water. Say it louder for the group. There is a pee element. For the class. Water and...

There you go. Water and pee. Yeah. I did a bunch... is a P element. Water and pee. I had a question that was about getting dehydrated from squirting because someone wanted to know if that was a thing to be concerned about. Can you squirt so much you get dehydrated? You can, in fact. I'm always dehydrated.

You need multiple towels. You're always watching fucking Peter Pan. Just make it a mess everywhere. I'm just squirting constantly. I can't stop. It's really bad. This podcast is ending tonight. To be fair, she doesn't see him as a child.

I was a child at the time. They were like, man, this child pissed everywhere and poured a cup of water on here. Why is this kid pissing everywhere. Okay. Am I allowed? How many times am I allowed to use plan B? Is it only three times or is that a myth? I also heard that.

I believe it is a myth. It is a myth. Yeah. I was like, fuck. We're down to the last one. I hope you weren't using it. That's maybe why it didn't work. It's not called Plan C, guys.

That was a big one in high school, was you thought you could only use it twice or three times. Okay, while we're on the topic of this, can I get a round of applause if you ever heard that Mountain Dew killed your sperm? We didn't have Mountain Dew in Ireland, but we had Lilt. No French immersion students. Also also the Marilyn Manson rib rumor yes everyone knew that Marilyn Manson

everyone heard the Marilyn Manson rib rumor yeah sucked his own dick because he took his ribs out well that was universal okay another one was if you take a Viagra and you don't have sex will you die? yes your dick explodes.

After three hours. No. I believe most... It goes away? Well, most erection aids, I believe, still require stimulation. So it's not like you pop a Viagra or whatever. I'm learning so much right now.

There still needs to be some sort of stimulation for it. It's essentially, it assists in blood flow. I believe we have an audience question. Oh yes, please. What happens if a woman takes Viagra? Always wondered that.

Fuck if I know. I would imagine it's probably like... Because I think it just opens up your blood circulation. Yeah. I mean, the clitoris can get engorged. So I imagine that you would probably get... These two fools trying to talk about a woman's body right now. It's so cute. Okay, the CEOs of Google.

We have two awards for it. I don't know specifically, but my guess would be a very, very sensitive clit because blood flow, that's how you get exhaustion. And your tits are gonna get huge from all the blood. Your weird period tits. So many blood. So many blood.

Jesus Christ. I'm gonna cut in with this one. Yes. Just because it's a wonderful audience question. When I was a teen, I used to watch gay men porn often. I'm a lesbian now. Love it. When I was a teen, I used to watch gay men porn often. I'm a lesbian now. Love it. What are your thoughts on that?

Oh, spectrum. We're all over the place. I love it. I have a theory. What? One man's not doing it for me. Maybe seeing two men will do it. And you're like, even two won't do it?

That checks out, honestly. I mean, yeah. And then it's like, it's much like math like two positives or two negatives make a positive so you went to yeah two man heavy that you now are into women yeah i love it i love it let's watch let's just watch whatever i'm honestly kind of trapped you know when you have like a an unsavory memory and you're sort of like trapped in it like i'm trying to have fun with y'all right now but i just had such a bad memory when you brought up plan b of and i have to get it out

say it we can't the third act is where we like to bring it down let's say i just had i just had this memory so vividly of meeting a guy at weldon library anyone Western? Oh, you're so lucky. At Weldon Library, at the elevators, to exchange finances for a plan B. Only half of the amount. In a very business-like fashion.

Ah, yes. Thank you for my $20. I shall go to the student pharmacy now. Yeah. Did you have a debit tap? Ditch pigs. What did I tell you? Did you have one of those little tap machines?

No, that was way before. No. Anyway, I'm glad we could all share in that, and I feel better, and we can move on. Honestly, doing it in a library, yikes. I don't know. Something about that feels wrong. Very studious.

Yeah. I'm going to rapid fire these. Rapid fire. How do you say no to your boyfriend without letting him know you have your period? Ew. And not have him break up with you. Honestly, just fucking free bleed. The ew is in brackets.

It's not for me. Free bleed. It's from a teen person, not a teen person. But as a teen, you like so rock and roll about fucking on your period? I thought my period was the coolest thing that ever happened to me.

I thought it was rad as fuck. I was like, yeah, Judy Blume can suck my dick. I'm cool. This is rad. Getting your period is cool. Was Judy Blume famous

for being anti-period? No, she's pro-period, but I think she should have been even more period. No, she's always griping about it. Oh, damn pro period yeah you think she was she was so she was neutral she was always talking about it but i think like go hard periods are cool i love it yeah rock on yeah period i love i love just tell them i loved going on i love going anyone got so many excuses

well you gotta do homework if anything i feel like I was more shameless as a teen. Yeah. And didn't care that I had my period. Okay, I'm the most rock and roll, punk rock person in this room. And look, everyone can tell your boobs are huge with blood. Yeah, all the blood. Well, the blood's coming out of your bra. Someone drops a pin and you're just spraying blood everywhere?

Your Calvin Klein bra. We got four more, really quick. Let's do it. How many days a month can you get preg? All of them. All of them. Honestly, treat it as all of them, and you'll be good. Every day.

Abstinence is, no. I don't know, but if you don't want to get preg. You guys are sex negative, so. Yeah. If you don't want to get pregnant. We've learned our lessons a couple times, and I don't recommend getting cummed inside. Even if you're on the pill, you just never know. The best you can ask for is half of it paid by a man in the library.

I do have a friend that tracks it in an Excel spreadsheet. Excel spreadsheet? There are apps for that. Yeah, but the government's watching now. Fuck them. Yeah, government's never going to check your Excel. Stay out of my period, government. But I think treat it as every day

you never know when. Could be your last. And could be the day you get pregnant. Am I going to hell? H-E double hockey sticks for touching myself. Oh, fuck no. Not unless you're watching Peter Pan.

Unless you're in a theater. I was a kid too! That makes it worse. No, it doesn't. It's cool. It's fun. It's flirty. Whatever.

It was fun. When is too soon to have sex in a high school relationship? Before 18. When you do it in a basement under a ping pong table. Under a ping pong table?

Under it? You've got to make a pact with your best friends to all lose your virginity on the same day, probably prom night. That's the ideal time to do it. I lost mine in a graveyard. That's cute. That's the ideal time to do it. I lost mine in a graveyard. That's cute. That sounds better.

It's literally the plot of every teen movie that came out in the early 2000s. Well, we were parked in the graveyard cemetery parking lot. Did you lose your virginity in a graveyard? Yeah, I did. Hell yeah. It's a circle of life right there. And he didn't...

And yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Prom night sounds better sounds better i guess i don't know graveyard was fine when is too soon to say i love you at the graveyard be be kooky be cuckoo bananas say it early and i know i've always done crazy stuff yeah i always do one time a teenage boyfriend said it to me in the heat of the moment which he obviously didn't actually intend to. Wait, what moment? But I basically had a recorder on me. I said, I heard it.

You said it. And once you've legally announced that they've said it, that's it. Oh, yeah. And it's already out. I love my move was date someone for a couple weeks and then go take a little bit of wine and drink it and then call them up and go, I love you. And then just see what they do.

And if they're scared, you move on to the next one. Okay, I want to clarify. Is this a high school behavior or? Uh-huh. Okay. But she can't tell because she looks in the mirror and doesn't know if she's a child or not. No idea.

I'm smoking cigarettes, drinking wine every day in high school. We're going to jump straight into some Tinders. How this is going to work is we're going to read a Tinder or a whatever dating app. The audience is going to woo if they like it and would swipe, boo if they don't like it, and then we're going to talk about it, rate it boo if they don't like it and then we're gonna talk about it rate it out of 10 gonna be quick because we're running out of time yeah we

got it uh this is nameless probably for the best aspiring dilf stay healthy smoke your trees put me onto a new show i seem to have run out your mama didn't teach you how to cook well she didn't teach you how to suck dick either but here you you are. Love it. Swipe left if you're boring. Why is this guy single? Do we like this one? Does he even want to date anybody? That's the question we're probably going to have for most of these. He's using reverse psychology.

Now, if I was younger. What does he mean aspiring dilf? It's i can't he's not a girl pregnant i can't wait for people to think that maybe he's a dad but no one wants to fuck him oh oh uh well how much does he make yeah he makes like him 9k times 12 a month he slipped a blank envelope under your thing it says 4 unless he's making that 108

108 a month a year nah nah I didn't hear a woo or a boo is the audience neutral do you guys like that how do we feel about this man

okay you know what I think everyone is so like the world is so shit everyone's like i don't know maybe i'd give him a chance okay do you guys feel that uh we don't know what someone's been through until we've walked a mile in their shoes he's like i fucking hate women you're like ah maybe his mom was misunderstood yeah we don't know all right he was alone a lot as a kid yes what do you think out of 10 for for dating for going on a date with him just this profile four you want to fuck that guy

four four okay live there's there's something there would you fuck that guy one out of ten? Yeah. The girlies are sad. My heart is going out to these girlies in the van. What the fuck is happening? It's winter. It's hard times out there. The cockroaches do not like that.

I'm not loving that he used the term dill. That's not cool to me. Yeah, I'm turned off. One. I'm turned off out of ten. I'm a one. I will give it a one because I hate it. Like, it manages to

both be really offensive about you sucking dick while also trying to be like, you can't cook? Yeah, we love that fearless feedback. Yeah. You guys, he's misunderstood. I'm gonna give it a two because I think there is some humor in there, but I don't like it.

All right. You know what? I want to keep this positive energy. Maybe people are misunderstood. How about this person? Let's hear it. I run a business by day, but in my heart, I'm a family-oriented dreamer looking for a partner

who wants to balance entrepreneurial goals with the beautiful chaos of a loving, laughter-filled white family. We almost got you there. We almost got you there. If I had stopped speaking, or if I'd slowed it down, you guys would have been fucked. He already lost me at the beautiful chaos of a...

I gotta be honest, the word dreamer was my first strike, and then I do think... Yeah, I'm thinking about that. The second strike would have been, yes, the last sort of bit. Well, that was just the cherry on top. Oh, that's going to be a negative five for me there.

Okay, all right. Yeah. Yeah? Ditto. I mean, can you call the cops on someone for their dating? I wish. We could report them. This is from someone in this room, right? No, God.

No, no, no, no. These are from the internet. If they were in this room, I would have told them to leave. What does the audience think of this one? Do you like? Yeah, gross. You can do better than that. Yes, no one's... No one wants this person. Minus five.

This is David. He's 28. Literally the greatest man currently living. Don't work out or eat, really. Kind of funny. 100K is a bad year. And if you're not skinny and it's aesthetically attractive, that's an objective thing, by the way.

So don't be delusional. Only message me if I have a headache and need a Tylenol or Advil. Open relationships only until you prove you're not part of the 99.99999999999999% of lying hoes in 2022. And did my most serious relationship last night. Yes. Yeah, non-emergency phone line. Yeah. I got to leave.

First thing I want to hear the audience reaction. Okay, all right. David sounds like he- Online, yeah. First thing I want to hear the audience reaction. Okay, all right. David sounds like he... I'm tasting incel. I'm tasting schizophrenia. Wait, you think so? David sounds like he's incel-a-bit. What is it?

Involuntarily celibate. Yeah, there you go. And he also tastes like he's having a couple different voices in his head talking. Some of those sentences were incoherent and for that reason, David, I will not be

investing in you. He's about 8k away from having a good profile. Wait, 100k is a bad year for him? But 108k? That is a bad year for me but 108k that's a good year for me just a tiny little um yeah not in a million years what did he say again about having a skinny body uh he he seemed to say that it's objective like how you could be aesthetically pleasing but also don't be delusional about it which Okay, let's toss this guy a bone.

He also said he doesn't eat. I'm not having to worry about making this fucker some food at night. Complete opposite of the first one. I'm not having to share my McDonald's. So not only is he making 100K, he's spending none of it on groceries. Savings. Save an 8K at least on food.

Okay, we can ball out at the restaurant because we don't have to worry about him. Well, he's sitting there with nothing in front of him. You're pigging out. I love that. I think we should give this guy a second look. Wait. Can you scroll back?

What was the terrible other thing that he said? Which one? Was it about the lying hose? No, the lying hose I'm fine with. He only was worried about lying hose in 2022 for some reason okay well bad year for hose we're fine then oh was it the tylenol bit don't only message me if i have a headache yeah so that part sounded a bit okay does he think i'm telepathic yeah how do i know hey well i have a lot of tylenol at my house so i don't think it would be a problem but how the

hell am i supposed to know when you got a headache? I don't know. If you were worth the time, you would have. He's one of those people that's sensitive to storms. I get it. He wants a Tylenol then. He's a hypochondriac. We can't have two. He's a perfect man.

What are you liking about him? Nothing. I'm joking. Next. Six inches, nine times twelve. Good, good. Next. Six inches. Six times. Nine times 12. This is too much math. Too much math.

This will be the last Tinder profile. I'm mostly attracted to Alpha, all caps, independent, type woman with an imperfect body and soul, but with decent looking feet subject to inspection. Can I get an amen or a yeehaw? Sorry, did you say feet? Yeah, I'm mostly attracted to an alpha independent type woman with an imperfect body and soul, but with decent looking feet subject to inspection.

Can I get an amen or a yeehaw? Yeehaw. Nah, I missed the foot part. I'm out. I mean, as a business woman, as an entrepreneur, what is he offering me? He hasn't really laid that out for me. I do love, yes, the appeal of imperfect soul and body,

which I both very much have. You know this is Bumble, not Dragon's Den, right? I like to treat my relationships as investments. I like to go in as Kevin O'Leary. I like to know what I'm making. What are we making? Bad decision. And then that third thing about feet.

Hit me with that again. He wants to inspect the feet. Decent looking feet subject to inspection. Well, that's putting me out of the running. He's not going to trust your word on that. No, no, I'm fucked because if you saw those hooves, if you saw those little pigs, I'd rock him. Maybe that's what he's into, though.

If you saw roast beef, the little pig. Well, Arby's toes. If you saw the piggy that went to the market, you'd gouge your eyes out. So I think I'm actually not good enough for him. Damn. Five out of ten, actually not good enough for him. Damn. Five out of ten. I need more info

before I know that's enough. All right. Audience? Honestly, it's a lukewarm. It's a lukewarm. Can we get an amen or a yeehaw? Sad as yeehaw. Sad as yeehaw

I've ever heard in my life. It's winter. Whatever. Everyone's sad. Let's fuck him. Who cares? I'll give it a two, three. I'll give it a three.

He's the best out of the lot. He's the best, which is sad. Wait, are we fucking this guy tonight? I guess we gotta fuck this guy. And I think that's gonna pretty much do it for us. That is gonna do it for us. Thank you, everybody, for coming. We love you. Don't look at that

yet. Fuck off. It's anthrax. I'm dead. If you haven't listened to 30 Going on 13, Jesus, you should. You should listen to them. 30 ongoing. 30, 13 ongoing.

You should listen to them. They're amazing. And we love them. And thank you for coming on the show. We had so much fun. Thank you guys for coming to the show. Yes, thank you. Also, thank you very much to Black Sheep for having us. They're incredible, and we love them as well. We'll be doing another show March 7th, I believe.

I believe it's March 7th. We're also doing another show with our other podcast, which is a sci-fi D&D podcast on the 25th in I believe. I believe it's March 7th. We're also doing another show with our other podcast, which is a sci-fi D&D podcast on the 25th in Offworld. So if you guys are interested, please come to that. Anything else? I think that's it.

Except for this. So we end the episode with some bad sex writing. And we thought it would be really rude if we kept that to ourselves. So you guys are going to read it for us. In turn, I guess Maddie's going first. Just read what is on your... Okay, so is this a real thing somebody's actually written,

or did you write this? No, I was actually going to bring something I wrote, but I... Oh, my God. Okay, so this is from, like, a book. It is from a book. It's from a published book, yes. That a man wrote about a woman. Okay, I love it.

She was fair, big-breasted and scrubbed. Nordic. What virtuous nourishment would ooze obligingly from those globular breasts? Mine were trim and neat and rakish because they'd been used only for making love and not feeding children the areolas were turkey turkey brown not a color that i'd say ever were turkey brown as befitted and adventurous. They were like grandmother's shoe. Cobblestone brown. While hers, I knew,

for all that they should have gone brown bearing children, would still, this bitch sucks. She's so fucking rude, this chick. She's fucking on about these areolas not being pink. Okay, absolutely hates women having children. Would still have the sucked pink look of uninterfered with virginity.

Period. Is this show over? I cannot. Oh, we're almost there. We just have one more piece that needs to be read. From a different from a different word. Go. Guys. Oh, go. Guys, oh, God.

His voluptuous sack of testes. Oh, God, you and me both. Hung harrowly. But, oh, okay. I'm not loving. Between his ebony thighs. And swung with the rhythm of his confident strut, producing a faint slap with every step. Is he just walking?

His magnificent manhood bloomed like summer's first rose and pressed desperately against... I'm like, let's just get through it. And pressed desperately against the fabric of his undergar... Okay, now it's becoming like sanitary and I'm like... It's too clinical.

My boner's killed. Against the fabric of his undergarments. Penally... Penments. Penally. Penally. Penally. Penally. In a penis-like fashion. Ah, penally.

Ah, yes, yes. Begging for attention with a flaming passion. Sorry, is the man in all of this just walking? You don't know what it's like, Maddie. Yeah. We're sexualized for everything. Everything here has been so... Do you know how hard it is to walk down the street and your balls are just hanging hairless?

Hairily slapping a metronome of a walking beat? Penile-ly. Every time I'm walking, or every time I see a dude walking, I'm always like, God, that guy's got such a penile stretch. Women just follow behind clapping to the rhythm. Okay, but have you ever had your friggin' stockings be this much off your crotch and have your thighs rubbing together?

Okay, talk to me once you've had that. Yeah, talk to me when you get a skin tag between your thighs from summer heat rubbing. And then she removes it herself. Anyway, let's stop. Hey, that's going to do it for our show. Thank you very much for coming you have been an excellent audience we've had an absolute fucking blast once again thank you

to Maddie and Liv please give them a round of applause also keep it going for yourselves you guys have been fucking awesome my name is Dave Miller I'm Nile Spain give it up for me guys and we're 30 going on 13 the podcast and I'm Madile Spain. Give it up for me, guys. A North 30 going on 13, the podcast.

And I'm Maddie Foley, and this is Liv Kolekt. And you know what? Give it up for these beautiful sex positive guys. Happy anniversary. Thank you so much for having us. This was a blast. I'm all sexed up now. I'm going to Oasis Lounge right now.

Well, cool off. That's where the after party is. That's where the after party is. That is where the after party is. There will be a free screening of Peter Pan. We'll see you there.