F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 295 - Intimate Evenings: Godspeed, Scooter Man (Live @ Black Sheep)

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

We're on vacation in New York, so here is our most recent live show at Black Sheep! Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Niall Spain And we're your fuck buddies We are a dating and sex advice podcast

Where we take your sticky sexy situations And turn them into sexy sticky situations Simply put, we find questions either online From our wonderful listeners Or from yourselves who are here today You'll notice pieces of paper on your tables We have two breaks We will be around if you have questions

We will shuffle them up and answer them In the coming acts. So when I upload these, I call them like intimate evenings. And I think this evening will be the most intimate of the evenings that we've had. Yeah. We decided to really make tonight exclusive. So after all you guys signed up, we were like, you know what? No more.

No more. We don't need anyone else we don't want anyone else yeah you guys are the perfect people the perfect amount the perfect crew if anyone else comes out of that elevator get the fuck back i'm gonna hit them with a chair yeah yeah uh we do this show every week on spotify we. Or like any podcasting app, really. Yeah. And we're excited to do it for you live right now. Do you want to start? Oh, there's something.

We got other things to talk about. There's something really important to me that I want to talk about. And it's been bothering me since I first thought of it. Okay. So, you know, in like every time a Fast and the Fur movie comes out there's like a spike in car deaths in car related accidents how many women do you think are gonna have ill-fated threesomes because of challengers so many like how many people are gonna be like we're not gonna talk about this we're just gonna do it yeah and then be like oh no this has gone poorly i'm just worried about the amount of people who are going to think tennis is cool okay that's also a challenging thought but a challenge a right one because i had people the other day genuinely excited about who won an f1 race oh everyone's

fucking obsessed with f1 and the fact that people call it f1 is weird too what is formula one i mean it's that's what it is is what always has been going back i don't know why i care i don't going back to fast and the furious i think we're perfectly fine numbers right um it's it's weird that people are getting really really excited about sports that suck golf people are fucking hype about golf. I had someone once, I think it was like the Super Bowl, and someone was like, you're going to put the golf on? I was like, it's the Super Bowl,

sir. No. That's a bold move, though. And even if it wasn't, even if there was nothing else on TV but golf, I would still take some convincing to be like, yes, sure, I'll put golf on for you. That's fair. It's just weird to me that people care about these things.

Now, you did skip forward past the shot competition aspect of tonight. Yeah, I just really wanted to talk about challengers. That's fair. Tonight of all nights, again, because it's so exclusive, we figured we'd give you guys the easiest chance to win shots for your table ever. If you scan the QR code in front of you, if you make a post, you tag ourselves and Black Sheep, you're entered into a shot contest.

The competition's gonna be fierce tonight because the chances are high. You also immediately win if you hit anyone who comes out of that elevator with a chair. Or get 20 more people to go. Yeah, either one. That's a joke.

Please don't hit anyone with chairs. Unless? Unless. That's a joke. Please don't hit anyone with chairs. Unless. Unless. There is a terrorist. Yeah. If it's a diehard situation, go ham with the chairs. I think if we have a Hans Gruber situation, you do get to hit them with a chair. But other than that, I think we probably shouldn't hit anyone with chairs tonight.

All right. I'm going to start us off real tame today just to warm us up. This is by SnooGiraffe6143. Okay. My girlfriend wants to kill me and eat my flesh. Who doesn't? My 18-year-old girlfriend, or my 18-year-old male girlfriend, 18-year-old female, admitted to having fantasies about killing me and or eating my flesh.

She said she's never going to act on it. Should I believe her? So a while ago, I met a girl. I've gotten along with her really well, and she happens to like me back. Everything about her is all I've wanted in a person, and I've been overjoyed to be with her. But the other day she told me she has fantasies

about killing me, consuming my flesh, and other things like that, for extra context, because we need that. Yeah, that might be handy here. She said she's always fantasized about killing people, and has always been curious about cannibalism, and that she'll eventually kill someone sooner or later i asked if she was going to act upon those fan where'd we go actually she was gonna ask if she was gonna act upon those fantasies on me and she said she would never and i trust her but i'm

really not sure what to believe even if she never winds up killing me i don't want her to kill anybody and end up ruining her life there's just a lot of things in my mind and while i fucking love her so much i'm not sure if i should stay with her i'm missing a lot of details so feel free to comment and ask because i really need someone to talk to about this sorry if i ran it a little just need to talk about this i feel like this woman is like ai made her out of the plot of like nine different netflix shows right like this sounds like the the one with drew barrymore where she was eating people or they were eating people santa clarita diet okay ever would they become she's a zombie right like there's like dexter was that enough netflix picked up dexter for a while didn't they i don't know anyway there just

seems like a lot of oh there's the other one with the guy who stalks people. You. You, yes. Fair. Right, like it just sounds like she's watched a bunch of shows, and she's young enough to be that impressionable. Like 18 is pretty young. So I think that she just fell deep into the hole of watching these shows and was just like, is this my personality?

Alternatively. Murderous cannibal. She's going to kill you. Yeah, like anyone who, like I think it's a little sus if it was like i do fantasize about killing andy and or eating you which is actually worrying way more worrying than killing you and eating you because she doesn't know no the and or is like she will eat you she just might not kill you oh i see i was thinking the other way it's like she will kill you she's she might not eat you either one not great if i'm gonna die i'd rather be enjoyed for sure yeah right yeah that's the way i see it yeah i've cultivated this meat for a long time

right it's it's aged this this body is well marbled i feel like i would put aged on it and then i would die and someone would scratch out aged and write down weathered. Yeah. But even if this person you trust them, how the fuck are you chill with her being like, I will kill one. I will. One day I will murder. I am a ticking time bomb of murder. But also this fucker is like, she'll kill someone and ruin her life.

Guess what? She's ruining their life, too. And many other people's, presumably. Yeah. Unless she is going the Dexter route and she's killing a murderer, in which case she's enriching further murder victims' lives. That's fair. Right? Yeah.

We never... I feel like if she was going to be some kind of superhero-esque anti-hero guy, it would have been in this. Probably. Like, she would have... Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be noted.

Well, she hasn't killed yet, so we don't know. We also don't know this dude. Maybe this guy's terrible, too. Maybe. Maybe he deserves to be killed and or eaten. Maybe he's really tasty. Does he look delicious? That's another thing. He's like... There is a small picture tasty it does he look delicious that's another thing

he's like there is a small picture i don't know if that's him but he doesn't look very tasty to me it does look like the guy from the good doctor from here from my stance famed for not looking tasty yeah i can't think of a least tasty looking man than the young boy child from The Good Doctor. Has anyone watched The Good Doctor? Wait, is that what it's called? How would you rate him on a scale of zero to tasty? Tasty being the tastiest. He's too skinny. He is too skinny, yeah.

You're curiously missing whether or not what little meat he has would be tasty. Yeah. For me, I don't know. I brought this up because I don't know if he's, he looks really young. So I don't know if it's like a Doogie Howser situation where like he's like 18 and is like a brilliant doctor boy. Or does that actor just look really young? He's 31.

Okay. He does look about 15. He looks super young. So not a Doogie Howser situation. I think that's probably a fairly young age for a surgeon anyway. Yeah, I think that's the point, is like he's such a good doctor. Right. That makes sense.

We're getting off track. We're delving into the good doctor again. God damn it. Happens every time. If anyone you're dating says they're going to kill someone, that's bad. I don't love that I have to say that. It sucks that in this day and age of dating, we do have to sort of put down on our list of advice. If admitting to potential murder,

red flag. Premeditated murder. That's bad. Which this literally is. Bad. I would maybe, I don't know. I would start testing her.

If you trust her. Just like walk around looking real killable? Yeah, or like accidentally spill some barbecue sauce on yourself, right? Like smear it around a little bit. maybe like go suntanning and be like i don't i didn't i didn't bring any sun cream lotion but i did bring honey and just see what happens right like if she starts licking her lips if she's leave all your knives out and then fall asleep on the couch with your throat

bared and like spill butter on yourself right before and just see if she goes for it now you have to blunt the knives first or else you will just die and be eaten yeah maybe run a bath and instead of water use like soup stock right like see oh fuck i hate when that happens i thought it was a bath bomb but it's fucking norse it's a boulon cube fuck damn it again and just see what happens right if she comes at you be prepared yeah like don't get lulled into your own sticky sort of situation be ready to defend yourself but i think this is a good way to to test the waters a little bit yeah yeah i think so and that's the only advice really we can give that's that's all i can say you also can't break up with this like admitted future murderer because that's the number one way to

get on her will be murdered list i was gonna say it'd be pretty pretty like sure way to rock it up to who would be eventually murdered be like oh that boyfriend that x yeah she's like i won't murder you while you're with me yeah stay with me forever uh this is from beloved i think that is uh how can i help my boyfriend a 23 year old male feel less threatened by vibrators i a 19 year old female love vibrators with all my heart and i've shared that feeling with my boyfriend 23 year old male who understands accepts and feels comfortable with that the problem is that when it comes to using them together during sex he feels insecure as if he needs to compete with the toy, and I have a hard time explaining to him that I don't want to use toys because what he's giving me now isn't great. It's because it is, or because it is,

I just want to use them because they're fun and there are levels of feelings humans can't reach on their own. I want him to want to use vibrators because they really enhance the general experience, but I have a hard time saying the right things to make them understand how I feel. Just say what you said in this post, which seems pretty clear. Incorrect. Googly eyes. You put googly eyes on them, they're not threatening anymore.

Yes, true. I think a lot of people haven't talked about this, but in a choice between a vibrator and a bear, men are going to choose bear. Sorry. It's just the case. It's true.

What would freak you out more? You're alone in the woods. Vibrator? Bear, you're like, okay, I know what's happening here. Not sure what's happening. Who knows? Bees? Where's it going to go?

Could be bees. Could be bees. Yeah. And really, if there were bees around, guess who'd it going to go? Could be bees. Could be bees. Yeah. And guess what? If there were bees around, guess who'd save you? The bear. The bear. Loves honey.

Exactly. Does anyone... I mean, maybe that's it. Maybe he thinks about it and he's like, I'm cool with you using your vibrator when I'm not around, but when the vibrator is out and around me, I don't know if that's just a tube of bees. That's how they make them. That is how vibrators are made that is wait isn't it i don't know if you guys know this but vibrators are just tubes full of bees yeah

batteries are just more bees all packed in there yeah you gotta get them real angry which is why it's so small ever wonder why it's like triple a and then like c and d there's no b battery is there exactly i don't know if there is. I really hope there is. Well, if you add three A's together, what do you get? B. It's true. I would love to know, did you state what you stated in this question to him in this way?

And if so, was that not enough? Because I need to know this before I progress with my advice. Right, because she says like, oh, I don't know how to say the right things to make him feel comfortable. Like, that was good. What you wrote there was pretty fucking clear pretty yeah pretty pretty good for for explaining why you want to use them do you instead just kind of like freak out and just go i can only come with

the b-tube and like maybe that's it and then he's like well that makes me feel like shit like i don't know i think like it's a you know a little a little honey a little treat you gotta you gotta like bribe him and you'd be like no i'm using this vibrator to free up your hands to grab my tits because then he'll be like yes i don't need to use a hand on your clit you've got that covered vibrators helping me it's my wingman now i get to grab boobs yeah and like who going to be sad about that? I mean, maybe she doesn't like boobs being touched. We're talking about him, okay?

Now we're back at square one. Yes. I mean, you just need to explain to your boyfriend, be like, look, imagine if while having sex with me, you could also be getting a blowjob at the same time. Would you say no to that? No. Having sex be getting a blow job at the same time. Would you say no to that? No. Having sex and getting a blow job at the same time, physically impossible for us, I think.

But I don't know. Maybe it could work. I don't know. I don't know how it would. Yeah, probably not. Probably not. I don't think it could, but you never know. Kelly, you'd just be be like that would be awesome

yeah but for me it's a possibility to to get two very different very good sensations at once and that's what i would i would i would like just hold it over the band and be like i will drop it in right now if you can vibrate as hard as this try and then he will go and it won't work and then you'll be like see what if he does though if he does then you don't need it you got the vibrating man maybe he vibrates too fast he dies because he just fills himself full of bees yeah i think that's what the end of my Girl was, wasn't it? Something like that. Yeah. Okay. Oh, boy.

We're going to go on to Block Puzzle Headed 179 asks, My female barber started opening up sexually after becoming single, and I can't tell if she's interested in me. I have room temperature IQ. Is she interested? It is just a correction. It's a barbress for ladies. Well, this guy's case yeah i know uh i do love that they're like female barber just in case yeah uh as title says she became single and she brings up how she's going to sex

parties and that she cheated on her now ex-husband years ago and they were swingers for a few years along with asking me my opinion on those things when she was in a relationship, she never brought anything sexual up. It seems like a bit too much of a coincidence to me, I guess. Only thing making me doubt it is there's nothing I would consider flirty or suggestive. Other than saying, if you're interested in swinging, I can point you in the right direction. I know there's no definitive answer for this. But am I wrong to think she is maybe sexually attracted to me? Truth be told, I really don't want to pursue this.

Then have to change barber because I made it awkward the girl knows how to cut hair edit i would in no way get in a relationship with her so the cheating thing doesn't put me off sue me cool um it's first and foremost i do want to say that i made the terrible mistake of once taking a swing for the person who cut my hair, and it went poorly. Okay. So I think the general rule. Well, the opposite happened to me where my barber was like, hey, I have your number, and I'm going to text you about the pool in my building constantly. Not asking you out, just being like, chlorine's great today.

No, he was like, hey, come get in the pool with me. And I was like, you're like 50, dude. No thank you. Fair. There was a lot in here that I wanted to talk about, and every sentence you went further, I was like, that's dumb. Oh, the thing for me is like, look, I got bad news for you. Swingers are much like in the same vein as CrossFitters and vegans,

where they will take every possible fucking opportunity to tell anyone who will listen that they are swingers. And you are stuck. You're literally a captive audience. In a chair, and they have a sharp object and you are forced to listen to them talk about themselves uh at length so it's like i don't know if it again they they say like oh there's no way of knowing right it's like i don't know we can't hear the we can't hear the back and forth. I can't judge tone, whatever. But if your whole thing is just like,

oh, this person who's a swinger kept talking about their sexual exploits, yeah, man, that's what they do. Sorry. That's just kind of how it operates. Yeah, it's very possible that they're just excited over this new thing that they're doing. And maybe if you've been going to them for long enough, they consider you a friend, which is a very simple explanation for this uh i just love that like i

find it very awkward getting my hair cut because i don't know whether i should talk or not you know you personally yeah yeah like if that's why i started doing my head myself i just shaved my head wish i could wish i could hey we could you wanna it would look like shit i'm sure hey well but uh because like i don't know like do they want to talk like it's their i'm in their their zone their sphere their home it's better than when you have a chatty dentist yeah they just do that to fuck with you i know they do dentist is an absolute menace they've got a whole hand in my mouth and they ask me a fucking question they know i can't answer yeah sorry my dude imagine if that was just like i ask you a question and then just immediately stick my hand in your mouth you would do that i would do it but like you know the second dog yawns the second you leave they go fucking high five all the other dancers so i got

another one uh but if you ever do make a move on this you do need to do it at the end because if you do it in the middle or at the start that's gonna turn that haircut so bad even if it goes well yeah even if they're like yeah we should fuck like that's just gonna go on forever yeah so there's not a whole lot of sexual tension you can build when someone's like you know cutting your hair i don't think i don't know i imagine it would be about as awkward as one of my favorite failed proposal stories which do you guys know the edge walk in toronto so uh on the edge walk you go and it takes about an hour because you go around like various things and you're all kind of like chained together so like you can't leave but a couple got halfway through he proposed she said no he got very upset but then there was a

half an hour left and they were in the middle of everybody else so they had to just like awkwardly shuffle around and apparently it was just the fucking worst the worst was him just kept being like trying to jump trying to jump she's like, god damn it. Yeah. Also, in my personal opinion, you had to weigh pros and cons of asking people out. And if it doesn't go the way you want, you need to be prepared to never go there again. Yes. Yes.

Also that. You need to be cool. And being cool includes never going there again. Maybe moving city. I remember. So there's a bar that i really really like i won't say it because i don't want it to become too cool because i have that power yeah definitely all the six people in here are gonna go i can see people getting ready to fucking leave they all have their phones out they're writing it down uh not today you'll have to follow my blog. Anyway, I matched with one of the bartenders there.

Yeah. And I was like, you're very cute. But unfortunately, the quality of the wings at the bar that you work at are hotter than you. And I don't mean that in a bad way. She was very attractive. And I loved talking to her when I was at the bar. But the second I matched with her, I was like, nope yeah you can't sorry the wings there are too good and i'm not giving those up yeah when we inevitably stop seeing each other whatever yeah step one how

good that haircut yeah step two not during the haircut nope step three be cool be cool be cool yeah just at the end be like, hey, you said you'd introduce me to swinging. How about we solo swing together? Okay, sure. You'll get the response you need after that. Because she will either be like, what the fuck? No or yes. And either way,

you've done it and now you need a new hairdresser. We've got a little bit of time left in this and I want to get this question out, because it makes me very happy. My long-term girlfriend is borderline asexual. She has very little libido, and I'm fine with that. I would, of course, like to have more sex, but

we've been together for over ten years, and I love her so much that it's not an issue at all. We have sex maybe five or six times a year. This isn't the problem. The problem is that I know when we're going to have sex, because's always when she watches the mummy returns every time she watches i get it man i get it yeah rachel weiss every time she watches the moon yes i know she wants to have sex even when we're having sex i can tell she's still kind of watching the movie. Okay, wait, like, it's not like she

watches it and then later on she's like, hey baby, it's like she presses play and turns to you and is like, zip. It's time, yeah. She'll want to be in positions where she can see the TV and will ask me to close my eyes or blindfold me, and I can't help but feel like she's only using me to fantasize about Brendan Fraser.

How do I get over feeling like a glorified sex toy? So she's not asexual. She's Brendan Frey-sexual. Yeah, I like that. Mamey-sexual. This is the best, and I don't see what the issue is. Put it on more or less? I mean, that's the thing.

You're like, oh, I know when I'm going to have sex is when the Mummy Returns is on. I would like to have more sex. Hey, dude. Fuck it. Put it on more. Throw that in the old DVD player. Yeah. Because I assume that's how you're watching The Mummy Returns.

It has to be. It's got to be. Unless you've got like a really cool Blu-ray remaster. I wonder, because it just hit like an anniversary, right? So I wonder, was he just like, oh, no. Oh, God. It's coming coming is that the one with the rock that's the one with the rock right i know the rock was in scorpion king but i think scorpion king started in the mummy return i believe mummy returns is the like horrendous cg of him as a

literal scorpion yeah uh what a fucking movie now my real question is what about the the mummy what about The Mummy? What about The Mummy? I just heard someone yell, well, not even yell, but just say Brendan Fraser is so hot, and I agree. Yeah.

But The Mummy, like the first movie. Oh, I see. I would say a sexier movie. Certainly. Maybe it's too sexy. Maybe, yeah. I think that's like unadulterated Brendan Fraser. I think he's zeroed in on who his mummy character is.

I think Rick something is the name or Rich something. I don't know. But I think he's like, he dialed it in. Yeah. Right? Like he just opened the floodgates of Brendan Fraser in the mummy. And then he was like, it's unfair to the world. Yeah.

I fail to see an issue. mean i get it i don't know if we want to be serious about it i guess we can i don't want to have sex with someone while they're watching tv unless unless that is a game that we're specifically playing yeah i can just imagine you're like going in to kiss them they're like no no get the yeah pushing your face it's's like when you, when like a dog is looking out a window and you like cover their eyes and they're just like, huh? Yeah. Have you talked to her about it?

See, I'm wondering if like, if there's a hesitancy to talk about it because like he's like, look, this is how I have sex. This is the gateway to sex. Yeah. And if I bring it up up perhaps that gateway closes and maybe it's better to like just you know quote unquote take what he gets what if she doesn't know that would be crazy what if she's like god what if she's like misconstrued the feeling of horny

and the feeling of wanting to watch the mummy returns right because like maybe the first time she felt horny was the first time she saw the mummy returns and now she doesn't know which one's like i have lavian yeah so instead of her watching mummy returns and getting horny she gets horny and she's like god i want to watch mummy returns maybe there's like a she had a really bad like head accident and there's like there's something lodged in her brain in the part that and it's the book of the dead and he needs someone like that thank you um and you know it's like i mean he's like like the the part of her brain that connects horny and wanting to watch a classic movie as the mummy returns is is damaged. The lion's got crossed.

And they're very similar parts of the brain. I get it. Yeah. Just dress up as Brandon Fraser. Speaking of hitting people with chairs, there is that scene where he does throw a chair at a dude from across the room. It's incredible.

It's one of the best scenes, yeah. So, like, maybe just pull that off more. So it's like every time, when you're horny, offer to go to a restaurant and just fucking hook a chair at a dude. Yeah. See what happens. Yeah. That's in The Mummy, though, so it might not work.

You might just get arrested. I don't know what happened in The Mummy Returns apart from Nightmare Rock, Scorpion Boy. Yeah. If you feel bad about it, talk to her. Be like, hey, it's weird that the only time we have sex is when you put this movie on, and it's weirder that you need to watch it during. Am I not enough? Yeah. Don't say, is Brendan Fraser hotter than me?

Because you're not going to like that answer. You're going to lose that. That's going to be a bad, yeah. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to, or that you already know the answer to. Yeah, exactly. You got to talk about it. If it's making you sad, you got to.

You got to talk about it. You got to. I really do hope she's like, oh, shit. Yeah, you're right. Damn, you're right. Yeah, you got me. She looks at her sex calendar, and she looks at her mommy calendar, and they just fit perfectly.

She's like, huh? That's going to do it for Act 1, friends. There is still plenty of time to get in on that shot competition. Shot competition. Questions. Questions. Yeah. If you've got a question, please get writing and we will grab it and we'll answer it in

our next break. Also, we didn't mention it. If you want us to review your Tinder profile, just scan the QR code on the thing. It'll bring you to our Instagram, I believe. And then just send it. We want to see the text. Yeah. We don't really care about the pictures unless it's something fucking wild. If you've got a crazy picture, you've got just send it. We want to see the text, not just the picture. Yeah, we don't really care about the pictures

unless it's something fucking wild. If you've got a crazy picture, you've got to include it. If you're like the one guy who was naked on a horse, yes, we need to see it. Otherwise, just the text. Yeah.

And we will see you in about 10, 15 minutes. We love you. Bye. Bye. hello we're back uh i before we get into the questions because we have some questions here um i want to talk about a thing that happened to me today i was working at a coffee shop and i want to talk about this at the beginning of the show but then i forgot um and i witnessed quite possibly one of the most uncomfortable first dates love it of my life and i'm a bartender i see a lot of them um but it was this is dude and a lady and the dude did roll up on a scooter which was pretty cool.

And it wasn't even, thank you. It wasn't even like an electric scooter. It was like a razor scooter. And I was like, that's a kick-ass bold choice to show up to a date as a grown-ass man. Hell yeah. Did he have a braided beard? No, he was, for all intents and and purposes looked like I would have been like,

you are a completely adjusted man. Uh, he did do, I assume cool like spins and shit on his way. Cause what else would you have a scooter for? Anyway, um, believe it or not,

this story isn't about him okay so they sit down and they're like right in front of me and i'm working um and she they were talking i wasn't paying any attention to them for a while and then uh she was fairly loudly declaring that like she was a sex worker and because of the nature of the show i kind of like i peeked up or perked up a little bit and was listening and uh i was like i'm really interested to see how this guy is going to react to this yeah scooter people not famed for being renowned for being terrible um we're really coming for a scooter crowd today. I know. The two guys at the bar are like hiding their razors right now. Oh, fuck.

And so he was like, oh, like, cool. Like, if you don't mind, like, what do you do? And she was like, she was like podcast. And he was like, oh, no, she was. She was like, I'm like, I'm a dancer. Like, I'm a stripper. And he was like, oh, awesome like oh awesome cool like if you don't mind like where do you dance like whatever and she's like oh i don't really do it anymore um

uh the the studio that i i did it at is closed and he's like what do you mean and she's like yeah i used to do it at this like this place and she was talking about pole dancing classes. Oh, yeah. Cool. Which is working out. Yeah. Not sex work. Not sex work in any way, shape, or form. And he was very confused. And he clarified. And she was like, oh, no.

I was never a stripper. I just went to pole dancing classes. I went to pole dancing classes. Cool. And then he was like, huh. OK. And I was like, oh, weird, weird move. But I was like, maybe this is a test. Maybe, yeah. That does seem like, are you going to freak out? Maybe she was like, I weird weird move but i was like maybe this is a test maybe yeah that

right it just seemed like uh are you gonna freak out maybe she was she was like i'm gonna she saw the scooter got scared she was like i if anyone needs a shit test it's this man um and then like five minutes later she was like oh i like i do cam girl work and i was like okay i have zoom meetings in my office so the cam girl work was she played pokemon on twitch during the fucking pandemic okay and i was like is this more tests or do you just not understand did he hear that and then just kind of be like nude right and like and i was like it's did she just not know what things mean i don't know okay and then it culminated in uh it was a lot of that it was a lot of like her saying a thing that sounded cool and then him being interested in

it and then her immediately not being cool um but then at the end of it she he finally got to talk for like 30 seconds and he had mentioned that he had just came back uh from like a backpacking trip the scooter makes sense now yeah and then he was he was like oh yeah i was like backpacking she's like oh i fucking love traveling i take it i try to like take a big trip with my friend every year. And it's a really important thing for me. I love traveling so much. Now, I did pose this question to someone in the room, and he got it correct. Where do you think this big trip is, Hamilton? Think less specific and more general.

Canada? No. This? No. This is bad. It's a cottage in Barrie. Damn. Damn. Yeah. Fucking Mrs. Worldwide here.

So I was just like, I was like, my dude, like I was really, really sad because I was facing her. So his back was seeing his face as he just died more and more. I couldn't mouth run. Go. He doesn't need. No, you mouth scoot. Yeah.

For God's sakes, man, get on that fucking scooter and pump those legs as fast as you can. Do a couple of cool spins as well. How did it end? He did say that. I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention uh towards the end because it got boring again not that that wasn't ever boring because she said nothing cool um but they they hugged and uh he disappeared in a flash of silver and and rubber and fake rubber rubber, yeah. Yeah, so I don't know. I hope that it goes nowhere because I think Scooter Man deserves better.

Yeah. Which is something I never thought I'd say. That's a phrase I never thought I would say about anyone. Anyway, let's do some questions. I can give you two from here. Okay. Throw them haphazardly. Is Brendan Fraser attractive?

Phil doesn't think so. Sad face. Obviously. We found out who's getting a chair thrown at them today. I don't know why I'm going for my second one, but I'm doing it. Fuck you. My friend, let's call her Andrea, clearly hates men and keeps talking about some bear. How do I convince her she's a lesbian?

Okay. This is bad. Who wrote this? Well, we found the second person to get hit with a chair. We're going to run out of chairs. I vote for the bear. Yeah. The bear always wins.

Should we talk about... Do you guys know what the bear thing is? Does everyone in here know what the bear thing is? We already did that last episode. Do you know what we're talking about the bear? The choice between bear and men? Not the cooking show. That means different things. Also not that.

Yeah, fair. Honestly, even in that scenario, I think I would. And people would still choose the bear, yeah. Choose the bear, yeah. I think the bear still wins in this scenario. Yeah. Bears always win. Okay, I have two questions.

Hopefully, these are... I'm not treating that question seriously, and I hope that's the right call, because if not, we need to talk. We have almost 300 episodes for you to listen to. What's the most bizarre yet oddly effective piece of bedroom advice you've ever heard or given? Hmm.

If you want bizarre advice we've given, there's a lot. 300 episodes worth. Yeah, wear a camel backpack in case you get thirsty. No. Hmm. Most bizarre. Do you have one off the dome? I've got two.

And both involve oral sex. So for me, someone once told me. The world is going to roll you. Yeah. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. No, I was going down on someone and they were having a good time. And they were just like, can you use your whole mouth? And I was like, I don't really know what that means, but'm gonna take a stab at it and i did it whatever that is and i used my

whole mouth and they lost their fucking mind and now i use my whole mouth that's fair i think uh with regards to oral licking like you're licking a lollipop and not having a rigid tongue. That was a good one. Sure. Yeah. But it's not very weird or bizarre. No, it's not bizarre. It's oddly effective.

Someone once told my, she's not here, so I'm going to put her on blast. My partner, before they had any sort of like sexual experiences, that blowjobs are like baseball. You have to use two hands. So who the fuck's trying to play baseball with one hand? A fucking gangster. That's who imagine some dude just fucking rolls up and just fucking cracks it with

one. That would be fucking sick. I would watch baseball if that's how people played. If I heard that advice, I would then try to be like, you know what? I'm going to do a one hand. I'll be the best blowjob there ever is. It's all I'm thinking about right now. I know what I'm doing this summer.

We're going to go to Trinity Bellwoods, and we're going to fucking one hand baseball. Man, I'm so bad at baseball regardless. That's why I was hating on tennis earlier. I'm just not good at swinging sports. Okay, here we go. See, this is what I'm talking about. Any chance to talk about swinging and he fucking goes.

It's, yeah, like I think, I think that's like, I've never wanted to try something more because you will always look like a fucking idiot until you do it. Yeah.

And then once you, and then you look like a hero. Yeah. And all you need is that one on, on video. And Jose Bautista will just dig himself out of the ground, just like claw his way through the earth. I don't think so.

Okay. He just lives in the bottom of the... I just assume the second you leave a Toronto team, you get buried mob style. That's fair, yeah. And he'll just be like, hell yeah, brother. And then flip his bat. And then we'll flip my bat.

That's fair. We'll scoot off together into the sunset. That's fair. Back to the core together into the sunset. That's fair. Back to the core of the earth where all Toronto athletes go. Any other weird things? Any other weird advice you've gotten? I feel boring. I can't think of one right now.

Yeah. That's it. That's all we got for that. We'll think about it. I'm going to put this off to the side. I'm thinking of it in terms of general advice that someone gave me and I stuck with it and whatever. Because I feel like those are all normal and not very exciting. But specifically, if we're talking partner to partner, I was once with someone who was like,

bite my butt, just her butt cheek, so hard that you think you're going to injure me. You're going to feel flesh crunch under your mouth. And that's when you know you've gone far enough. And I was like, this makes me very uncomfortable. But they fucking loved it. So that was bizarre and also weirdly effective. Yeah. Yeah.

So someone once just asked me to spit on their butthole. That's cool. But not looking at it, butthole. That's cool. But like not like looking at it but like from above while. So wait specifically like do not look at it. Don't look at it. Okay. You have to just 360 no scope that. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like a dog. It's like don't look it in the eye. It's a predator. They'll fucking yeah. It'll get threatened and then God only knows what's going to happen. Oh, hey, here's a good segue. Why do boys like butt stuff so much? You know.

You know. The male G-spot's in there. That's where the treasure is. Yeah. It's like, why do pirates like treasure maps so much? That's where the treasure is. That's where they get the treasure. Yeah.

It's very simple. Oh, wait. Maybe they're the treasure is. That's where they get the treasure. Yeah. It's very simple. Oh, wait. Maybe they're talking about giving. Hey. Hey, that changes things a little bit, doesn't it? Yeah. Porn? That's where the lady treasure is.

That's where some lady treasure is. We can still do the pirate analogy. Treasure is hard to find, and the harder something is the more alluring it is to get to and i think that for a very long time anal was a it was taboo it was a risky i also think it's just like porn you know what i mean like porn is so prevalent and people see oh anal's all over porn it must be a thing and it's kind of like a mark of pride like when you're growing up and it's like people have sex it's like shit that's cool but then when everyone's having sex the person who's cool is the one who's like yeah i had anal so i don't know i just feel like it's a lot of stuff yeah

alternatively there's there's a lot of repression uh when it comes to to butt stuff for men. And I think there is a level of enjoyment that comes from exploring things that we're told we're not supposed to enjoy. Also, in the case of very religious people, it's a loophole. Jesus doesn't mind if you put in the butt. Jesus is super pro-butt. He's pro-butt as fuck.

Yeah. He's okay with it. He's pro-butt as fuck. Yeah. He's okay with it. He's pro-butt and bouncy castles. Explain. You know what soaking is. Oh, yes. Yeah. I like how that was your, like, as if I was going to understand what the hell you were talking about.

We have a video about it. I don't know, man. Also, wasn't that a trampoline or were we talking about bouncy castles it was something bouncy yeah it doesn't matter uh ready for a question yeah uh this by consistent self 99 18 how do i bring it up to the girl i like that i've noticed she's peed in my car okay so me and this girl have been talking for a long time and we're close friends and i've started to develop feelings for her i swear something else is there on her side too but it doesn't matter right now anyway we go on plenty of dates and just drive around as well. Last night when I

dropped her off, we said our goodbyes and I walked her to her door. When I got back in my truck, I moved the blanket, my car blanket for comfort, thank you for specifying, that she placed on the passenger seat to the back and I noticed a small puddle no bigger than a little water spill right on the seat. At first I thought I'd spilled water and she sat on it but I went to clean it it was warm I picked up the napkin and smelled a pee I wasn't mad or bothered at all just concerned if she was okay and confused why she didn't tell me but then tonight after an actual date we both talked about we went for a drive and the same thing happened pretty much but this time it was a huge amount of pee like you could see her butt and leg outline from where it soaked.

Before going inside, she said she was going to tell me something, but then she forgot. But she looked nervous at this point. I played it cool and tried to show I didn't notice, and again, I'm not mad. I'm just wondering how to bring it up. Was what she was going to tell you, I have to pee, and then she did. Never mind, I forgot.

No need to talk about that anymore. Yeah. Problem solved. she did never mind i forgot no need to talk about that anymore yeah problem solved uh this is i i kept being like okay well like there's any number of reasons why there might be liquid upon thine seat and it's like maybe she did spill something maybe it's sweat maybe it's whatever but like she had a cup of pee don Don't be weird. Maybe she spilled her pee cup. Her comfort pee that she uses for comfort. That's true.

I think he's done a thorough enough investigation here that he's done a temperature test. He's sniffed it. And really, if those aren't- He hasn't done the taste test, though. It's true. So do that, then get back to us. This is tough. This is like anything that you have with a partner where it's like any sort of mention of it is devastating in the sense of like, you know, odor or like any of those things where it's like, oh, they have bad breath or like they smell in the downstairs region.

Or like it's tough to bring those up despite the fact that like it's absolutely necessary that you do. It's a level of respect. It's a level of courtesy to yourself. Like there are things that you do need to talk about, but there really isn't a good way to do it. I'm just wondering, like, surely whatever they're wearing is visibly soaked. Not if it's a dress even then with this amount of pee unless you're holding your dress up the whole car right that's what she's got the blanket oh shit yeah i yeah it's uh and even like twice is is the worst part are you once would be like okay are you going for like an excessive amount of

drinks and then just fucking a two-hour drive home or just like giving it over like potholes and shit like is that what's happening and you're just kind of like you know she she doesn't have a chance in hell uh i you i think you have to mention it casually and innocently as she's getting out. Right? Like when she gets up and there's a puddle. I think the second she gets up, you need to be like, oh, I want to lend you this book. And then fumble it. And it falls in the pee.

And as it's soaking in, no one can deny it. Yeah. And you go, oh, no. Or like. And then you have to talk about it. That's the next step. You pretend to like throw some keys on the seat. And you go, oh, no. Or like. And then you have to talk about it. That's the next step. You pretend to like, you know, throw some keys on the seat.

What are those things when you soak them in water, they grow? Like, you're like, oh, and then you drop it and it starts. Oh, it's like those dinosaur things? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get those dinosaur eggs and just be like, oh, no. And then you look at the dinosaur. Like five to ten minutes. And then you look at her and you say, we need to talk. Yeah.

I hate to tell you, I think you gave birth to a stegosaurus. Because it's rough. Like, you have to be kind going into this because, like, you don't know what is going on here, whether it be, like, I don't know, like, a bowel thing or a... Hey, it's not a bowel thing. Well, you know, that whole area thing. Bladder thing. Yeah, same thing.

Maybe she's pissing out her butt and it's a whole different thing. Hey, that's terrible sentence that you just said with your words. But you know what? I will say it again. I really hope you don't. Like, you don't know what's going on, so kindness is, like, of the essence here. But I also think ignoring it is not great, you know?

If it was a one-time thing, I think you could ignore it. Yes. Right? Now, what are your thoughts about seeing if it happens a third time? Third time's a charm. Because if it was a one-time thing i think you could ignore it yes right now what are your thoughts about letting seeing if it happens a third time third time's a charm because if it doesn't happen fuck it yeah maybe but you've also if we're gonna go with the data that we've given the next time she is gonna piss a lot yeah true right he's getting worse each time. But the thing is, if it's been a week, if it's been a week, you can't bring it up. Yeah. What I'm saying is depending on if it was yesterday and then you made this post and then you listened to this podcast, which I hate to tell you, it will not be coming out anytime soon.

So it's going to be too late by the time you hear this. You can't just be like, hey, so eight weeks ago, I noticed that you pissed a whole lot in my car, and I touched it, it was warm, and I smelled it, and I have questions. You can't do that. You certainly can't. I mean, you could.

It's just going to be bad. You'll just go to jail. The cops will arrest you. But if it happens again, you need to just be like, hey, I noticed this. Do you want to talk about this? Are you good? Is there anything I can do to make sure we pull over and hit a bathroom?

And they'll explain, and you have to be cool. Unless the explanation is like, nah, I just love pissing in Jeeps. Yeah. I just cannot get enough of pissing on your seat. I don't know what it is about it, man. This car demands to be pissed on. So pissable. Yeah.

Hey, wait. Do you have a real pissable car? How pissable is that car? What's the most pissable car? No, we can't. We can't get distracted. Go. No.

It's a Nissan Altima. It is the most pissable car, easily, hands down, without a doubt. And if anyone argues with me about this, what are you going to get? Chair thrown at you. This is Junior Ruff. I have a control slash misogyny kink. Do I need help? I'm a male, 19 years old.

I respect women. Would never treat them like objects or disrespect them in any way. I'm a male, 19 years old. I respect women. Would never treat them like objects or disrespect them in any way. I know boundaries and respect. But recently I've been developing this rough kind of kink about controlling women. Sort of like misogynistic? Like I'm better or superior to them while I'm imagining having sex with them? Like a sort of control power kink. I feel weird about this because I would never try to degrade or treat women like objects in real life. I know the difference between fantasy and real life. I know weird about this because I would never try to degrade or treat women like objects in real life. I know the difference between fantasy and real life.

I know that women are people and not sex objects. But I feel so messed up for being around by this type of porn. A feeling of, like, control or something. Am I messed up? Do I need help? If you engage in this when everyone's consenting happily and willingly, it's fine. Yeah. If you're not, yeah, dude, that's pretty fucked up.

And the problem with, I'm not going to yuck anyone's yum. You can watch whatever porn you want. Again, as long as everyone is of age and consenting. If it's consenting adults making porn, then great, enjoy it. Like whatever you want to watch. I'm not here to judge you, and I hope no one else is judging you. But the important thing to remember, which you clearly state here

being like, I know the difference between fantasy and porn and real life is that like these people, well, you know, again, presumably and hopefully

these are two adults who have agreed to do this act and to do these things consensually and safely and have done all of the necessary work in order to enjoy it on both sides, then it's like, if you know that, if you know this isn't like the dude who's going into the grocery store

and locking the door and having his way with the cashier is fantasy and scripted and, you know. It's really specific, but okay. Yeah, I don't know. I was just trying to think of something like. Dane fucking loves grocery stores, guys. Yeah. Produce, man? Oof.

Let's go. Those... You know what? I can't. Now you can't... I was gonna... You can't start and then just fucking not deliver. I was gonna say...

And this might be a very localized thing, but I was gonna say nothing gets me going like those old women who, like, loose their fucking shit on the corner of the cob bin. yeah do you know what i'm talking about those women who are just like so angry at the corn and it's like it's like a fucking black friday sale it's like ladies there's so much corn chill the fuck out and they're just like tearing it off and there's just like it looks like a toddler when they've left the fucking restaurant there's just cheerios everywhere or like a really anxious dog and you left it next to like a bunch of tissue yeah it's like what are

you doing i assume it's because the corn is by weight and they're like someone is like yes yes yeah someone we've got our own we got our own crazy corn lady person in the back uh yeah so if it's not bleeding into real life and if you're making sure your partner is down and like i mean enthusiastically down and well informed yeah and that you put safe words in and you have boundaries and you like gauge the comfort of your partners per encounter and per partner yeah you're fucking fine yeah if you're fucking fine. Yeah. If you're like, oh. Power dynamics is a very common thing to have. Like, playing with those roles of, you know, either a dom sub or, you know, consensual non-consent.

Degradation play. All that stuff is pretty, nowadays, run of the mill. It's pretty standard. It's a pretty common thing. The only problem is, is not a lot of people go through the necessary sort of, like, conversation beforehand and the aftercare in the back end of things and like making sure you've established safe words

and making sure you've established like nonverbal safe words and blah, blah, blah, blah. Like going through all that work, like that's the danger of this. And also like starting to lose like sense of being like, oh, this is a hard line of, like, this is when we're going to start this activity. Yes. And not letting that bleed into your work. But as long as you keep yourself and, like, keep constantly checking in with yourself and being like, I'm starting to treat women in my day-to-day life poorly because of the way that I'm starting to consume porn and letting that influence my views of people,

then it's like that's when you need to start figuring shit out and maybe going to therapy or chilling out on the porn or start walking things back until you get to a place where you're comfortable. Until it hits that point, you're fine. You're okay. You're fine. This is by no name i 28 year old male supposedly went on an accidental date with my friend 31 year old male

mere months before my wedding with my partner 39 year old male how should i move forward so i'm getting married to my partner we'll call him james of eight years in october we both have been working two jobs to save up for the special day with me going back to my old retail job part-time my current full-time job is a very toxic work environment with a co-worker bullying me so i am job hunting this past saturday i ubered to my part-time job to work on my resume and cover letter with my boss as i was getting ready to leave one of my co-workers slash friends we'll call him eric was getting out we had worked together before i left we always got along and had a lot in common, books, movies, TV, etc. He said he wanted to cheer me up, so we walked around the outside of a shopping center where the retail job is. We talked, we caught up, we went to Barnes

and Nobles. He showed me his favorite books. It made me forget about my work issues at my other job, and it was nice to talk to someone outside my tight-knit circle, family slash fiance. After this, he bought me some lunch and an ice cream because it was warm out, and then he drove me home. My partner was working overnight, so the time I got home, he had left. My brother called to check up on me as I was in a bad mental space the day prior. I told him about my day, and he goes, hey, is everything good with you and James? I asked him why, and he elaborated, saying, it sounds like you and Eric went on a date. While my brother has always had a sense of humor, deadpan is never his strong suit, and he sounded 100% serious.

I assured him it wasn't a date, that it was a straight man cheering up his gay friend. Then he went to his typical joking demeanor, saying, I didn't know for sure that Eric is straight. While Eric has confessed to me in the past, he is bi-curious. Now, admittedly, Eric is my type, and our jokes can be flirty, but it's just jokes. For example, he had ice cream in his beard that day. When I told him, he said, well, if you want, you can kiss it off. When I explained the situation to a mutual friend of Eric's of mine,

they too teased me for going on an accidental date. It made a really nice time out with my friend, and it's something I'm now feeling kind of ashamed of. Eric has reached out to me since to thank me for spending time with him, and I felt too conflicted to respond. Now I'm keeping the situation for my partner, which is causing me more stress. I'm unsure what I'm feeling. I was hoping for some advice.

How should I move forward? I was about to be like, it's so fucking dumb that you can't like spend time with your friends without people like sexualizing and yada, yada, yada. And then Eric is like, yo, let me slurp that beard though. Like what a fucking weird, like what are you doing? It's not even a good line. Or is it? No. If someone's like, I want to kiss your beard, that's not what you do with that.

That's fair. I will derive absolutely zero amounts of pleasure from you kissing my hair. Yeah, but they'll derive pleasure because there's ice cream hidden in it for them. True. Right? Yeah. Some nice vanilla there. Great. Amazing. Sure. But. Now, interestingly, the brother doesn't know that. hidden in there for them true right yeah some nice vanilla there great amazing sure but now

interestingly the brother doesn't know that so the brother's making assumptions the brother is the part i want to complain about what i'm saying it's like you know what i mean like it's the same thing it's like you know when you were younger and like i had a lot of lady friends growing up i connected with women far more than i ever connected with dudes you might have guessed that by my fact where i called pretty much every sport dumb uh and because women hate sports day wow um wow they love tennis now tennis and f1 they fucking can't get enough of it um but it's like i but it's like every time i hung out with my lady friends and even i'm talking like young like grade one grade two grade three everyone's

like got a new girlfriend i'm like no fuck off like chill out and like it's it's always bothered me that that's like the case where it's like the second you, and it's regardless of like orientation, like in this sense, it's like a gay dude is hanging out with another man and it's like, Oh, it must be a date. You want to fuck them? even anytime we post a fucking video on Tik TOK,

everyone's like, they're definitely fucking. It's like, okay, cool. Like that's fine. Especially if we were, but it's like people can't be friends,

you know? And like, the thing is obviously being like kiss it off is out of context a pretty flirty over the top thing i don't know if there's context where it's not it depends on your friendship it depends what you say right yeah you know i guess if we were there we could be like i would like to be there holding up like you know when people dive and you hold up like 10 we could just be like judging it. Zero. Dude, it's a fucking weird thing. Zero flirty?

Okay. Bold choice. I would have given it like an eight flirty. I guess we're rating flirty? Yes. Are we rating? But like we don't rate the divers on whether or not they've dived. It's how good the dive is.

You're not like 10. Everyone gets a 10. You dove off it. Good job, dude. Everyone gets a gold medal. No, it's like you say everyone gets a 10 you dove off it good job dude everyone gets a gold medal no it's like you say hey you sure you dove but you sucked yeah it sucked real bad dude you just fucking belly flopped you just kind of fell off and you did die yeah you're dead yeah and the thing is i don't think you need to be guilty about this because even if eric

is into it in a way that you aren't the important thing is that you aren't yeah you didn't you hung out with a friend yeah him making a comment doesn't then devalue what you've done and then make you a bad person yeah and you're about to marry this dude yeah james yeah uh like if you're scared to be like hey i hung out with my friends or my friend on whatever day. And I was having a shit day. And he offered to hang out. We just kind of wandered around, had lunch. And now everyone is being super weird about it and keeps saying that we went on a date.

And it's upsetting me. And I don't want to keep that from you. But it wasn't a date. It was just like, you should be able to talk to the person you're marrying. And if you can't talk to the person you're marrying, don't marry them. It's a dumb idea. And if what he said made you feel uncomfortable, you should also be able to bring that up. Be like, oh, fuck, I went out.

I thought it was a friend hangout. But then he did kind of tell me to kiss ice cream off his beard. Ha ha. Like, if you can't bring that up to your partner, don't marry them. Yeah. So you need to work on that but also if it's not a date from your perspective you don't like after the fact be like well you didn't know but you did date me gotcha fuck it was a date shit because it would be like if i was

like you know if i finished work at the same time with a a lady colleague and we went to grab a drink for like four nights in a row or four weeks in a row or whatever like after you know yeah that's just our routine of like we close up shop like we go like how friends do yes we we go across the street we have a drink and then we head home if she was then just like we're we're that's my boyfriend like she doesn't like that's it's a co you both have to agree on that you both need to decide on that so like if it's not a date for you then unfortunately it's not a date regardless of whether or not that person thinks it was a date yes that's just a miscommunication yeah neither like it doesn't make one not true with the other yeah it also

doesn't mean you did a bad thing yeah that person is well within the right to be like oh i thought it was a date it wasn't my bad yeah same way you could have been like it wasn't a date you thought it was a date my bad but also like surely they know you're getting married so also it probably isn't one from their perspective maybe they did hope you'd lick their beard but like you know sometimes you gotta shoot your shot just do it better uh that's gonna to do it for this act, friends. We've got one more. This is your last chance to do... To get questions and to post

so you are entered into the shot contest. Correct. By the end of this break, the shots will be on someone's table and your night will be getting better and our jokes will be slightly funnier. And we did, I don't know if you saw it, there's a little bit of fine print

that anyone who doesn't win the shot competition does chair chair thrown at them yeah uh thank you very much we'll see you in about 10 minutes Hello, we're back. We're back again. Oh, and I love how sexy the lighting is this time. The sun has finally set. The mood is good. The mood is good.

We have some questions. We have some questions. Let's do it. Let's get in here. Let me just turn my brightness down first. Yeah, this is probably pretty unappealing. Yeah, there do it. Let's get in here. Let me just turn my brightness down first. Yeah, this is probably pretty unappealing. Yeah, there we go.

We love that. That's good. Do you want to go first? You go first. I'm just going to go first. My ex and close friend hooked up. I'm close with both of them.

They checked in after the fact. I know they are both adults free to make their own decisions and that they care about me, but I still feel hurt. How do I move forward? P.S. I have booked a therapy session to dig deeper.

Nice. Hell yeah. Good. That's a great step. Yeah. This sucks, and I'm sorry. Because as much as you can be like, you know, whatever, I don't know how long ago you broke up with this ex, but I was talking to Niall about this a while ago recently, uh,

where I was just like, we were, we were talking about like jealousy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like,

I still think like there are people who I've, I've been broken up with, uh, one of our close friends. If, if Niall was single and hooked up with them i would be like weird move dude sure and i would never do that without talking to you as well and we have in the past done this in way less serious circumstances where like if i knew dame was talking to somebody

and like let's say he wasn't there on the night out and they were and we were kind of vibing and i check in with them being like hey i think you know something's happening here like would you be annoyed if i went for it and there have been times where he was like yes yeah so i didn't and vice versa you know what i mean like there was a girl i was texting like we weren't even i look we'd even hung out in person aside from bumping into each other while i was working and we just hadn't gotten to meet up and she started texting dane and he was like hey if i go out with her is that going to be a thing and i was like yeah i kind of wanted to and he was like cool i'll back off yeah and i think that's

i think you need to approach thing to do for your friends and like on the tail end things as well right like we're talking about sort of like before anything has happened. Yes. Which is even like a lower stakes situation kind of. But I think that like if someone has had a relationship or even if it was like a brief sexual encounter, I think it's still good to check in with a friend because you don't know how that went down right like if i if i reached out to you and i was like hey i'm thinking of like hooking up with this person and you're like oh actually i've hooked up with them and they were really shit to me yeah that's information that i would like to know because

i'd be like oh they were shit to you my best friend then i have like however hot that person was or however much even hotter Now they're even hotter. Now I can't. God damn it, I'm going to do terrible things to you. You know what I mean? Like, it just automatically makes me like, oh, I have absolutely no interest in you. Yeah. Right?

And it's the same thing where it's like I would expect, the baseline that I would expect from friends is being like, hey, I know you and whoever have had a thing, especially if you have dated for X amount of time. Is it cool? We've been vibing lately. Is it cool if I pursue this? Like, would that upset you? And I think that person does have the right to say,

it would be a little upsetting for me. Yeah. I don't know how much veto power you have, especially like I think the longer it goes. Like I don't think that I would expect to be able to be like, no, you can't do that. I think that's a shit thing to do as well a little bit. But I think I can honestly say, yes yes that would bother me yeah that's that's the bad thing it's like if they say would bother me and you go and do it it's like well okay yeah you know like even if you're not saying you can't it's like it'll upset me oh cool great that's it

yeah you know but at the same time it's's like, unfortunately, sometimes things, you know, if you're vibing, if you're drunk, if you're on the night out, like maybe you don't have the time to really pre like reach out to a friend. Yeah. You know, at which point it's like you can maybe understand it a little bit, but it all depends on so many different factors. So it's like, it's, it's a rough one because there's a lot of gray areas.

And there's a lot of like, you don't own the monopoly of everyone you've ever slept with. No. Right. Like you don't own, you haven't planted your flag there and make them a sovereign nation. And like anyone who ever wants to approach them has to ask your permission. And even if you did,

they could invade that nation. They could, could you know that's how wars work and so like it's it's a tough there's there's a lot of like issues gray area yeah give and take uh every situation is different it's really hard to just lay down one one rule obviously best case scenario is and also you don't always know that you and someone are gonna hook up and there's also like there's there's degrees of how ingrained you are with a person like did you date for like two weeks yeah and maybe that's a flash in the pan that they assume meant nothing yeah do they even remember like did you like i think there's a big difference between oh i hooked up with them three times 17 years ago yeah as opposed to being versus we dated for 10 years we broke up last week and yeah what with them yeah what what'd you do dave you found their hidden treasure you went you went you went butt searching you unfolded their

pirate map and you what you You raised the Kraken? What did you do? You brought Captain Jack back from purgatory? You found Davy Jones' locker? Now Orlando Bloom can't be back on Earth again? He has to stay in the water? Is that what happened? We've already established that anyone else could just like bring a bucket of seawater and get on land that way,

but for some reason he's still not going to see Keira Knightley for a decade. And then we're just going to recast both of them because they don't want to do the movies anymore. And then that movie's going to flop because one's a mermaid and they made Jack suck. But then Selma Hayek's back in it, so I'm okay with it. With my ex? What? And I think Mick Jagger's also in it at one point in time. I think that was back when it was good

because he's captain jack's dad right yeah i like that you call him captain jack because you have a reverence for him oh captain jack okay i was gonna go michael michael bolton but sure yeah that's all of it uh where were we uh it sucks as this happened i think you need to have a conversation with your friend to be like hey i, I'm not happy with you. Yeah. I think what you did kind of sucks. And I really wish you would have checked with me before you went and made this decision.

And your decision, the one that you made, in reality, has upset me. And let's be fair, it's both. I don't know, in this situation, whether it's more on the friend or the ex. Because it's tough. Because, you again it could be a month but i think it's the friend but the ex is also the one that had the relationship with you sure but the ex that bridge again i don't know how friendly you are with the ex but there was a period of time in which i actively set out to sleep with pretty much all of my ex's friends. Okay, but that was you being shitty.

Just because you were shitty doesn't mean... Was I shitty? I didn't have any connection to any of these people. It's fair. No, you were shitty. You had connection to the ex. So it's nuanced. It's gray.

The only perfect scenario is these two people meet each other and say incorrect oh damn we're gonna fuck maybe we gotta check in they both check in and you go yeah and they go yeah and then they fuck and everything's great that's the only way this is good and okay yes i was right like that's the only the perfect scenario is you built a time machine. Oh, okay. Sorry, I'm back in. You go back in time to when your friend is born. Hit him with a chair. Baby ain't surviving that.

That baby done for. Problem solved. What if the chair hit the part of your brain that makes you realize you should check in with your friend? What if it hits the part of your brain that connects the money returns and whether or not you're horny? Then, hey, man, you fucked up. It's all coming together. You have a question?

I do have a question. Are we getting more coherent? Are we getting more coherent? Hey, I answered that question Very quickly I love that you were going for I don't know what joke but you made it I did it I got there

It wasn't the destination that I Chose it chose you Just like Bubba Sparks And rhyming That's a what Bubba Did anybody get Sparks and rhyming. What? Did anybody get that? Did anyone get my Bubba Sparks reference? One.

Yes. Two? One. One. One. Two. Two. Fuck yes.

That's better than me. That's half our audience. So I have recently found myself scheduling several first dates back to back this week. Should the topic of how I have spent my week come up? Do I be honest or dodge the question? I'm concerned it may make me seem like a player. Now, there's a spelling mistake. It should have been playa.

But I'll allow it. But I really am not. Hey, dude, sounds like you are. It does sound like you are. Sounds like you are, though. Back to back to back to back to back to back to back. Fucking Michael Jordan over here. Sports reference.

You did it, I think. I'm going to go. Surely you did other shit. I don't think surely you did other shit i don't think surely you did other the move is hey how does your week go i went on five dates you're number six i got seventh tomorrow deal with it yeah and guess what i've unfolded like three treasure maps yeah i i don't know if that's the plan. That's not the play. I'm all for being open and honest and let people know that you are seeing other people and yada, yada, yada. I think that's fine.

But even that's like, oh, how was your week? I'm seeing other people. They get it. You just met for the first day. Oh, it's, you know, I've had a great week. It was really busy at work. How was yours? My dick's so sore.

Oh, it hurts so bad. Ah, the chafing. I don't think this is information you need to reveal up front. No, and the thing is, if you did, they wouldn't take it like you being honest. They would take it as you trying to brag or like- Or neg them. Yeah, right? It's not going to come across across well even if you're another one

even if you're just coming across as like too honest i don't think that's the way you did other stuff presumably you worked you played hell divers you fucking walked a dog i don't know you did stuff you did something just say i fucking hate galen weston. He's ruining my life. That's enough. I didn't shop at Loblaws. Yeah. I tried to buy an avocado and it cost me my life. This is why I'm out here looking for treasure because I needed to buy groceries. Wink. You are fine.

I think, like I said, I think it's always great to be up front and let people know that you're seeing other people. On a first date, if the person doesn't immediately assume that you're seeing other people, I'm assuming you're meeting these people on dating apps. They're there meeting other people as well if they aren't also talking to multiple people at the same time as they're talking to you I assume they're a liar or lame I like hey if they want to that's fine but if they expect you to they whack they whack nice yeah thank you so yeah you don't have to divulge this information I I think if it gets more serious, I think always setting parameters for relationships, especially early on, is very healthy and very normal. And just being like, you know, I'm going to continue to see other people while we pursue this relationship. And I expect and encourage you to do the same, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Whatever you want. Be honest. Be open. Make it clear as to what you're looking for and what your expectations are you're fine but i don't think on a first date you need to divulge how many dates you have scheduled that week yes and even then it's like being like hey i'm gonna see like i'm in like i want to see other people you can see other people we're not at that stage yet is a better conversation than i've got back to back to back dates every like that's that's also not the play it's not i'm gonna hit you with a question okay this is a dunk girl asked me to try her drink ghosted

am i just not gaming enough last three days hey i that entire that was not a long sentence but i had no idea what the next word you were going to say was going to be. Last three dates. Two girls asked me to try their drinks. They also tried mine. In my mind, I'm assuming they like me, since why would they want my lips on their drinks if they didn't, right? It's like kissing through, you know, connected properties. But those girls ended up ghosting me right after.

Conversation was good. Slightly flirty. However, no kino. Physical escalation. Besides the initial hug, goodbye hug, and minor lower back touch to direct them certain directions. Love that. Am I tripping?

Do I need to step my game up? I, what? You didn't give me any of the context I need to know. It's like, because he says, oh, a goodbye and a hello hug. And then he directed them, you know, from the control point of the back, which we all know. And so in my mind, what's happened based on what the information we received is a woman walked up to you and was like hey hug try this cool let me have this bye hug and then you scoot her on her way what the fuck just happened so he did say there were dates so i assume it wasn't oh i wasn't listening yeah it's fine last three dates

two girls asked me to try their drinks now there's there's a glimmer in here i think yeah do you want to know what the glimmer is do you know what the drinks. Now, there's a glimmer in here, I think. Yeah. Do you want to know what the glimmer is? Do you know what the glimmer is? That there's one girl who didn't. And she's dead. No.

Why would a girl be like, oh, I'll try your drink, and then ghost him? Or, sorry, try my drink. Roofies. It's like a fucking regent in a movie where're like having a meeting with an enemy yes and they go you'll drink my wine sir yeah they're like you're so great from the gauntlet be like oh really you think i've poisoned it and then they pour a glass and he was like you're so creepy she's like try this drink yeah and that's why you're ghosted because that's what i was thinking and it's even worse that it was on a date but also where are you going and what are the drinks are you going to a cool cocktail bar and and they're like try this fucking drink and

you're like great why or did you go to like a shitty sports bar and you both ordered bud light and she's like hey give this a whirl maybe this will blow your mind try this neat have you ever had stella yeah have you had a beer before like what's the there's so much information i need here because like if you're going to a place like perhaps you know best bar in canada civil liberties and a bartender makes you a custom cocktail beautiful based on a 1960s french cocktail yeah that has like a whole story behind it that you'll never probably ever have made for you again and they're like hey try this popping it's a cool color that makes sense yeah i get that but yes if if they ordered a rum and coke and it arrived while they were in the bathroom and they were like, you first, then perhaps check your fucking steez.

Yeah. The best is either way, you're wrong. Because if they're like, hey, try this cool cocktail. And you're like, what does it mean? What does she mean by this? Then I understand why they ghosted you. And if they also think you're so creepy that you drugged their drink, I also understand why they ghosted you. And if they also think you're so creepy that you drugged their drink, I also understand why they

ghosted you. Yeah. You've dropped the ball regardless of like what court you're playing in. More sports references. What am I doing? You're on point. What's happening? It's the TFC game just flowing through you. It's true. The sports energy has

reinvigorated me take that high school bullies uh yeah don't be fucking weird about shit let's do a quick question because this is an audience one uh this is a by guy question the now hold on the next word is bicycle. So I'm going to need you to clarify if you mean bi as in bisexual or bi as in bicycle. I think you got to read it. Okay. That might give us the context clues. Oh, yeah. Nope.

Never mind. It absolutely does. Who would have known? Who would have thought? Hey, my job is talking, not reading. The bicycle is the idea that many bi guys feel where the cycle between attraction between men and women and also potentially between the guilt of feeling maybe gay or some kind of gay imposter. Have you ever heard of this and any opinions on that?

Hmm. Hey, let me tell you. No, I haven't because I thought you were talking about a bike. Well, every time I cycle into work, I'm going to have a little crisis of faith. Now it's going to have an existential crisis. He's like, oh, God, I'm a bicycle guy right now. So you know what? Something does really make sense to me here, and it's how this works

because if you see straight people, they're always like, I fucking hate men. I fucking hate women. Wish I was gay. And it's like, if you're bi and you start dating men, you're like, I fucking hate men. Wait. And then in a few months, you're like, I fucking hate women. Wait. It works.

It checks out. I get it. Yeah. I understand i understand it's you know yeah yeah 100 percent um my opinions on this yes yes my opinion is also yes i will say i i do feel bad for like bi erasure is a real thing both from straight people and gay people and that sucks i don't know why that is i think people are just jealous they're like you get every you can be attracted to everybody not are but can be yeah that's great like i'm envious i yeah i mean there's like 50 of the world that i don't want to have sex with yet by people have 50 of the world or 100% of the world. Yeah. Arguably. Possible. Possible.

We're sort of, you know. They're on the plane. Include the non-binary folk as well as like in the pool. Yeah. Because presumably as long as you're not asexual, you're also. It would be weird if being bisexual excluded like non-binary people. Yeah. That would be really weird. So, but I mean, it's right there in the name bi binary non-binary oh shit fuck

oh no oh god no i'm having a fucking exercise all the bi people i know love non-binary people more because i think they embody like the best of both worlds often yeah yeah so they're like fuck yeah yeah i get it just more chill i don't know i mean i don't i know a lot of non-binary folk and they kick ass so yeah i get it i get it um so yes i guess is the answer the answer for me is have i heard of it no do i have opinions on it? Yeah. Yeah. The opinion is yeah. Yeah, I get it. I agree. I understand.

But like, don't. Does it matter? Does it matter? Absolutely not. Does it matter to you? Hopefully not. No, no, it's all good. Once the out loud talking is good, then it is.

And we love it. No, never apologize. We love you. Well, sometimes apologize. Yeah. No, not you not in this instance you're good um it's yeah like this doesn't seem like a toxic thing you know i mean like there doesn't seem to be a the only the only toxicity here is the guilt of feeling like

right maybe gay and like a gay imposter and i hate that and i hate bi erasure and i think it sucks so but that's not a that's not a bi problem that's a everyone else problem that is a the reason well you would feel that being bi that's what i mean like the reason bi people feel that way is because generally bi erasure and like and people people tend to always use the term of being like, oh, you're lazy. Oh, pick a side. Oh, blah, blah, blah. Like that sucks so hard. So like that's the problem. But again, that isn't what this question is. And that's not.

The important thing is there's not fucking quota. It's not like, oh, shit, I'm bi and I've only dated two women this month. Fuck, I got to get a man in there. Oh, no, I lost my car. Yeah, there isn't like a fucking balance where you're like, oh. No, I'm just straight. Oh, shit. Oh, I'm just gay.

Like, that's not how it fucking works. I've got two girls and one guy. I need to do another guy or the fucking scales are going to. That's dumb. You're not a Salarian. No one gets that. Hey, one person got it. That's one less than my dumb joke.

Suck it. Fuck, it is. But my joke was better. Out of Yeah If you knew Starfinder You would understand Okay

We It's Tinder time Are doing a thing So at the end of the show We like to hop on to Online dating platforms And we review Online dating profiles

Niall has a bunch I have a bunch Let's fucking go through it So the way this works Is there's not a whole lot of us tonight, but we're going to read a profile. If you like it, you say yay. If you don't, you boo. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. Now give us a yay. That was a really bad yay. Okay. Hit me now. now all right just moved here from blank i am active curious optimistic affectionate supportive stupid i like hiking reading science movies ice cream i will try to make you laugh speak to you in a funny accent looking for something with long-term potential big heart looking for another. Not done yet. Okay. Prompt. When I unplug, I like to hang out with Keanu Reeves.

The one thing I'd love to know about you is everything. My favorite quality in a person is goof. That's it? That's it. We're done? Okay. Go back. Oh, yeah.

We have to get it. Yay or nay? Nay. Nay. Nay. I shouldn't accept to be a Keanu Reeves. I mean, the Ke canna reeves i don't get i was like are you playing cyber that's what i was thinking too i was like are you just a big cyberpunk fan i do know that isn't the case because i did ask them and they said no maybe they love matrix revolutions much like that other

person loves the mummy returns i don't know um it's there's a lot here again it's it's the it's the problem of every dating profile where you have listed things that everybody likes very generic so i love movies we all do everyone loves movies i love ice cream yeah no no shit that's not that doesn't add i'm lactose intolerant and i love ice cream yeah like move on also the thing that pinged for me, calling yourself stupid. Yes. Don't like that. No.

I'm all for a joke at my own expense. Yeah. Self-deprecating humor. Great. Love self-deprecating humor. But when you just say something mean about yourself without a punchline, you're just saying something mean about yourself. And the only person who believes the things

that you say to yourself more than you is everybody else. Yeah. So say nice things about yourself. And the one thing I'd love to know about you is everything. Yeah. One, you're misreading the prompt. And two, maybe it's meant to be funny, but it's a non-starter.

Oh, cool. Let me fucking write a novel. Yeah. You've sent your fucking fishing line out into the ocean and you don't have a hook or bait yeah and it's just gonna sit there so specify like movies tell me your genres tell me your favorite movies you like science what kind of science you like ice cream give me your favorite flavor like zero in like your favorite like ice cream shop you know you'd be like oh there's a great place midtown you've never heard of let's go there like that

what you want to do for a first date yes there's something i can get my fucking teeth into yeah and again if you when you're specific about things if someone says like oh my favorite movie is labyrinth and my favorite ice cream is fucking my favorite movie is mommy returns yeah wink or it's like and i love mint chocolate chip and you are reading that and you're like oh fuck i know the review is doing a screening of Labyrinth and there's an ice cream place right beside. That's a perfect first fucking date right there. But when you're just like, I like movies and ice cream, it's like. Wait, Cineplex does movies.

And also ice cream. Yeah. So, you know, figure it out. Be more specific. It sounds like every date in the world of my life, but no wonder I'm single. This one is cool. Are you ready for this? There might be some math here.

Not really, but lots of numbers. Taco Bell, $5 box on the weekdays, yours on the weekend. If you have bangs, swipe left. Aspiring DILF, I bet I can outsmoke you. Scorpio, Virgo, Capricorn, only. 6'1". Perfect BMI. Hex bar deadlift, 385 pounds. Bench, 175 pounds.

Overhead tricep extensions, 65 pounds. Barbell curl, 95 pounds. Front squat, 225. Hand clean, 155. Dumbbell rear elevated split squat, 80 pounds. Dumbbell farmer carry, 100. Oh, okay. I was worried that this wasn't going to be a good cutoff.

See, it was bad until it was good. Yeah, thank God that his reverse split butt squat is high. Imagine. What if these aren't good numbers? I don't know. The best is like the only one here that anyone like ever really kind of brags about is bench press. No one I've ever heard of, I guess squats. What the fuck is a rear elevated

split squat? Is he doing splits? If he's doing, yeah. If that's it, if that isn't his picture, it's a two. If that's his picture, ten. I don't care that it's a terrible profile. If he's doing splits and lifting 80 pounds.

Over his fucking head? Yes. Yeah, 100%. What the fuck does Taco Bell $5 on the weekdays, yours on the weekends? I think he's saying he's going to eat Taco Bell on the weekdays, and then he's going to eat your box on the weekend. I don't get it. If I'm only going to get eaten out on the weekends, that's not great. I don't get it. If I'm only going to get eaten out on the weekends,

that's not great. I don't, yeah. Like, you know, two out of seven ain't bad, but if it's a regimented thing, and what if I'm horny on a Tuesday? What if the Mummy Returns is on,

and it's Wednesday? Yeah, what if it's on Turner Classic Movies? And I'm already pissed in your car, and I'm ready to go. Do we yay or nay it, guys? Okay.

What? This one's also longer. They get shorter as we go on. Looking for my sugar mama to do everything for me. I don't clean, cook, pay bills, pay for dates, et cetera. I will increase your bills five times, what they were previously, but I will not pitch in, so do not ask.

I expect you to buy me expensive things, but I will not pitch in so do not ask I expect you to buy me expensive things but I will not do anything in return that includes in bed unless you want me to make you bleed with my fingernails just being honest if you can't respect that then move on because I only care about myself I just want someone to treat me right my hidden talent is eating in bed and staining all my sheets then stacking up dishes and garbage on the night stand leaving it for someone else to clean up I won't my parents will like you if you pay my bills do my laundry wash my dishes clean my dog's pee off floor and furniture buy me the too expensive perfume and cologne I want Etc if I'm not at home you can find me at my parents house eating all

their food because I do not buy my own groceries, toilet paper, dish soap, household needs, having mom do my laundry. And then it's a very cute picture of their dog, and it just says, he pees on everything. I don't clean it up. How cute is this fucking dog? I don't love that dog. It's kind of cute.

It's very cute. You don't like this one? yeah do we have yeas get out he does know what he wants that's the thing it's like every now and then you get a profile so bad that you actually like it because it tells the person to either run or weird. If you're into it, cool, I guess. Now, you're saying you think that this is written from the dog's perspective. That's the joke. But however, it says he pees on everything. I don't clean it up. So that would imply that the owner is pissing on everything,

and the dog has chosen not to clean it up. I will also say there were other pictures. It's not a funny joke from the dog. I'm sorry. I wish it was. There were other pictures I didn't bring because it's already so long. If this was the woman from the car, it would make sense, but it's not.

About me, looking for a beautiful young supermodel. Prefer wealthy to rich. Must be highly educated. Prefer a PhD, but a master's will do with the right lady. A strong willingness to make sacrifices for me. Model the latest lingerie for me between

the hours of 9 and 10 p.m. nightly. Brunettes only. No redheads. Leave me alone. So the worst part about this is that they say no redheads after brunettes only. Yeah.

We get it. Only means just brunettes. You don't need to be more specific. Although it does feel like he's being plagued by redheads, which is why he made an exception. It sounds like redheads are terrorizing this man. He's just fucking catnip for redheads. Yeah.

And I can understand why. Like that 9 to 10 p.m. slot is... Redheads go crazy at that time. They love wearing lingerie for an hour at night. Yeah. And I can understand why. Like, that 9 to 10 p.m. slot is... Redheads go crazy at that time. They love wearing lingerie for an hour at night. Yeah. This sucks so much shit. For me, this profile opened my eyes to the fact that there is evolving lingerie trends. And, like, surely, like, I understand that things have changed over the course of time.

But, like, to me, I've seen a lot of lingerie in my time. I don't think I could really pick out outside of the 50s. I don't know if I could look at lingerie and be like, oh, that's so 2016. Be gone. This is the most elaborate way to just let us all know you're a fucking scrub. Okay. Be gone. This is the most like elaborate way to just let us all know you're a fucking scrub. Okay.

All right. Okay. Close your eyes. Please don't. Close your eyes. No, I'm too busy. No, no, no. Nope.

You entertain the audience. I'm Googling. So I regret everything, but you know what? I'm still going to play along. Dane's, I would love to know what he's looking up

because I'm sure he felt a lot more confident before he started typing. Keep talking. All I said was that you're a scrub for saying that there aren't bands and evolving things of lingerie, not that there are not various strands. Hey, look at this picture. Hit me right now.

Look at this picture and tell me when this Victoriaoria's secret lingerie came out 93 incorrect 2016 which is the 93 of the 2010s you idiot go fuck yourself no one no one's looking at lingerie and fucking picking out trends. This dude obviously is. Anyway. You know who is. This is redheads. You know what? I feel like I finally understand how men feel. They want something so unrealistic.

You have to be a supermodel. You have to be a PhD. You have to be whatever. It's like the 666. Oh, I see what you're saying. You know? know yeah I feel like it's possible this is a joke for a bit but then I don't know because it gets weird towards the end well hey if you want do you want some impossible standards I can hit you with some right now yeah let's go uh actually no this well I won't I won't front load it we're getting a little shorter now it's not going to be full-ass profiles. Currently 5'8", 135 pounds.

Dating me is like slowly and patiently coaxing a feral cat into your home. Before you know it, one day you wake up and it's trying to sit in your face. As someone who's owned almost exclusively feral cats, this is working for me. I don't know. I heard reactions. I don't know is it yays or nays. Nay? Nay?

A wiggle? Yeah. Okay, that's fair. Okay, yeah. So here's, we got the man's demands. Now here's the lady's. The demands? About me.

5'2", 130 pounds, 26, BMImi 17 bmi is a big thing why is bmi bmi fucking suck shit it means nothing yeah i i meant to point out earlier perfect bmi fuck what does that mean what does that mean you're probably unhealthy yeah um anyway bmi 17 cuss bad it's just a thumbs down emoji so i'm not really sure i assume they don't look at it do they cuss or do they not want i think they're saying don't cuss drugs bad drink bad country and then i don't know what that i think that's a princess country princess steel toe boat boots uh like side eye emoji wedding ring bride emoji bride emoji. Presumably. That was easy.

Like I'm looking to get married. Heart emoji, baby emoji, woman emoji, man emoji. I guess she's looking for have a family. We'll weld your broken heart back together. I will say that a lot of these words I'm using are like emojis that I'm replacing and I don't want to say emoji a lot. The next line always has black boogers. If you know, you know.

Hey, does anyone know? No? Nobody knows? I once took a Sambuca shot that was on fire and you're meant to drink it and close your mouth and it puts the fire out and whatever happened, it went up the back of my nose and I was

like, ugh, and it really hurt for a second, it was fine and then all my snot was black for like a day so she's that what she means she's a dragon cool okay uh i'm pretty sure that's what it means uh daily and then it's like daily uh like puff emoji which usually means weed, eggplant emoji, and then sweaty face emoji. So I mean like, I assume. I thought drugs was bad. That's the confusing thing. Also, is the nose buggers, because there's other buggers, black because of nosebleeds because of coke?

Hey. Okay, you seem to know what it is. Do you know what the black buggers are? I just think she prefers black guys. I don't know if that's it. That seems wrong. I don't know if that's it. That seems wrong. I'm not sure about that. Works Monday to Thursday, 7 to 7 as a welder.

Off Friday to Saturday, or Sunday, I guess. Currently live in my car. Ask why if you want. Mama to a perfect daughter who was killed by my sister. Jesus. Loves cleaning ears and popping pimples. I'm severely damaged and I don't get attached to many people,

but when I do, it's for life. Which, hey, as long as your sister's not around, might be around. When I do, it's because they wear steel-toed boots. I literally treat you like you're my king and my baby. Both of those, king and baby, are emojis. Okay. This makes me very sad.

Yeah, I don't care what you think. This is bad. I don't need to take an audience poll. I'm going to do one more before we get out of here, unless you have one that's real spicy, real good. Oh, I do. I actually do, and it was submitted by an audience member. Okay. So I got to do it.

Don't you fucking look at it. Okay. Don't you fucking look at it. Thank you to the person who submitted this. If I had 20 minutes left to live, I would, is the prompt, spend 15 of it spanking one out just so I could taste my own cum. What? Look, we all get to go out in a blaze of glory

somehow, right? What's the last five? I guess enjoying it? Or not. Okay, we're going late here, but fuck it. We can do whatever we want. This is our show. This is my last one, and I love it. This is written

terribly. I assume it's a poem. I assume it's a poem, so I'm going to perform it as such, please. When I'm done, can you do the claps or the snaps for me? Sure. Everyone know what I'm doing? Perfect. Excellent. When I speak to women in bars, I say things like, come here.

Let me cover you with all my kindness usually they turn to one of my friends who are all perverts and then they end up marrying thank you that's so fucking deep thank you wow that's like shakespearean level tragedy yeah yeah that's that's all i got hey you know what guys it's been beautiful thank you for showing up to our exclusive exclusive raw in your face in your face near piss in your car show we love you I'm sorry for everyone we hit with chairs

yeah we warned you you have some bad sex writing for us I do I do at the end of the show now it's gonna do a thing

but first we have to do a couple housekeeping stuff first thank you very much for Black Sheep for having us thank you to Mel

and wherever Steve Steve there you are thank you very much for Black Sheep for having us. Thank you to Mel and wherever Steve. Steve, there you are. Thank you very much for taking care of us. You guys are awesome. You're amazing. You kick ass. It's always a pleasure to perform here, and we love it.

You got to thank our boy. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. Yeah, you guys are great. We'll be here next month. And we're every Monday in your ears on any podcasting app you would ever like to listen to. And we got a shit ton of episodes. So you're good. You're good for a while if you start now.

I believe our next show is June 18th. We record all the time. Everything's recording. This is a question I was maybe going to delve into today. I've got too much bad sex writing this week, but I'm just going to go with this. It's by Valuable Student 786, and this is a question. Date cancels with best excuse ever.

I'm going to let you all have this one. Received this about five minutes before date was to start. A couple of weeks leading up to this was seemingly normal, great conversation, FaceTime, and then we planned a date. This isn't fake. Happened at 565 or 556 last night and an hour before he expressed how excited he was for the date. I have no reason to make this

shit up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Text reads, I'm sorry. I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. If I come over, I'll kiss you, and then we'll end up having sex. I don't want to start it off that way. I feel like maybe I'm truly terrified that you're vaccinated more than anything and if I kiss you or we have sex I feel like my life's in jeopardy from your new triple helix DNA from the vax. I'm literally

sitting in my car haven't moved yet and I'm sitting here thinking this truly sucks. Finally I meet the girl I truly like and I can't be with her because my blood will thicken and clot and change forever with possibly long-term or terminal consequences maybe I'm crazy I just can't do it I'm so sorry I know what else to say this has never happened before I feel really shitty I'm sorry damn I usually have a zinger at the end, but I think the snapping is it for us. You did it. Thank you very much for hanging out with us.

My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. Music