F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 297 - The Complete Glossary of Horny Aliens

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

If someone told me that a children's cartoon had the most complete list of sexually deviant aliens... yeah, I'd probably believe them.  Topics include Ben 10 recovery, that negative accent, complimenting or criticizing thicc-ness, exhibitionism for dummies. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Mal Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. Oh man, I was about to steal it. You were your fuck buddies oh man i was about to steal it we're about to take it we're a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your

sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations we find questions roaming the internet we find them from our listeners we answer them here in your ears every monday once a month on patreon also on stage sometimes in the woods it's us we're here we're back welcome in uh yeah hell yeah i don't remember if we ever corrected ourselves i think we did about our live show that is happening as when this comes out tomorrow uh because i think it when we first announced it in the beginning of the month we did say it was june 18th which i think is in the past now. No. Yes. Is it? It will be. It will be when this comes out. It's June 25th. It won't be?

It will be. It's today. Oh, yeah. It's today. It is today. This is a confusing and terrible intro in many ways. We have a live show, June 25th. We have a great guest, Trevor Campbell from You Made Me Queer, another fellow Canadian

podcast award-winning podcaster. Absolute legend. Incredible performer. Very funny person. Very lovely person. Saw them perform last year. And ever since we've been itching to have them come on and they're coming on. It's gonna be great.

And the thing I'm really worried about is he does excellent interviews and I'm worried he's going to ask me questions I don't want to answer, but I'll have to because he asked them so well. Yeah, that's fair. And we've discussed it. We have a whole list of things oh god there's stuff i want to know about you dane that's fair and there's stuff he wants to know and we're gonna fucking we're gonna find out one way or another i will say it's also very cool well i hope it's cool i don't know i think it's cool we're gonna be raising some money for glad day bookshop at the show as well uh if you're not coming there will probably be ways to donate. You'll see them on our social media. If you are coming, there will also be ways to donate.

And we're going to be matching some funds. So it's going to be really fun. Come along. It's going to be great. That's it, really. Yeah. I mean, it's going to be really, really great. It's a pride-themed show.

It's going to be a celebration. It's going to be a fundraiser. It's going to be a good time for everyone. It's going to be a really really great show i know it i can feel it deep in my bones deep in my bits deep in the bits you know when we started this podcast there were things i thought would become a problem okay like you know incels sending death threats uh people being like oh two straight white guys doing sex dating which again i get it but you know the thing i didn't count on was the encroaching heat death of the earth and how every year recording in this closet gets just

more dangerous honestly yeah but we have plans we do have plans i forgot about the plans uh maybe one day we will not be audibly dripping are we ready to talk about what we're going to be talking about this week because what we're going to be delving into is girlfriend called me Ben 10 during sex. Is she cheating? Like the Nickelodeon cartoon Ben 10? Wait and see. Okay. This is, or no, sorry.

I was about to just go and read my question. You're fucking shooting from the hip today. Yeah, man. I don't know what's going on. Finding your long-term girlfriend unattractive. you're fucking shooting from the hip today yeah man i don't know what's going on uh finding your long-term girlfriend unattractive he said girl you thick as hell what does it mean people are real confused uh and an exhibitionist guide to exhibitionism people can't see but dana's used more hand motions and body wiggling so far alone.

It's been fucking three minutes than he's ever done. I think in the history of the show and it's so upsetting. He's fucking like improv raving right now. It's my Vogue. Damn. I think the heat has gotten to us. You ready to find out about Ben 10? Yeah.

This is by throw our a get a Skid Row ski. My 28 year old male girlfriend, 27 year old female called me Ben 10 during sex. I think she might be cheating. How do I check? So my girlfriend and I are doing it this morning, and we're doing it missionary, and it's really good. Hell yeah.

Fucking love it, man. Oh, man. At one point, she screams out, give it to me, Ben. My name isn't Ben. She then pauses and says, 10. Give it to me, Ben 10. Oh ben she then pauses and says tan give it to me ben tan oh yeah you like fucking gwen don't you she later acted embarrassed amidst me she's a huge thing for ben tan as he was your first her first crush as a kid i think she might be lying and there might be some ban out there am i crazy tldr gf claims to have been tan fetish damn this

is a tough one can we just say excellent recovery? Beautiful. Perfect recovery. Beautiful recovery. Icing on the cake is the Gwen reference, who I assume is a Ben 10 person. I don't know. Yeah. I'm having a hard time. I don't know if I know who Ben 10 is. I know he's a cartoon character, but all I can

think of is fairly odd parents, which I know isn't. I also think of that, but I think what he can do is he can turn into 10 different aliens is that i think that's band 10 okay i think that oh you know what i'm thinking of uh i'm not even thinking i'm thinking of the other one dexter's lab no the guy with the silver hair uh silver surfer no someone phantom danny phantom i think okay danny phantom i think it's the these are all cartoons that came out after I was sort of like in that age range to watch

those shows so I don't really know I don't really know who Ben 10 is but I do keep all I keep thinking of is fucking was it Billy is it Billy from Fairly Oddparents I also never watched that either Ben 10's kind of got it going on though show me Ben 10 let me see him

I gotta find an image where he's not he's yeah i don't know like he's okay he's you know he's a lot more normal looking yeah he's more there is also this though so i think first off first off you got to get a few bentons and go before we even talk before i even accuse you of cheating or anything which one though points of the points of the Ben 10 that makes you wet. Yeah, and then maybe you Ben leave. You live in the Ben 10 while she clears her stuff out. You've got to

be like, yo, you must understand, lady that wants to be Gwen, you have to understand that I am suspicious. Okay, now's alright. Come on. When you play poker, do you say, Hey,

are these cards good? And show them to your fucking opponents. No, you don't. If you're bluffing. Yeah. You can't bluff if they've seen your car. Yeah.

But you're bluffing that you don't know what you're doing. Jesus Christ. It's the, it's the uncle Phil. Give me, give me with that double bill. How hard could it be? It's you just hit the balls in the hole.

And then he's like, Jeffrey, get me Lucille. Also, that's not bluffing. That's what's the thing? Yeah. Hustling. Hustling. Yeah.

Are you trying to hustle or are you just being honest? Because it seems like you're being honest. And, you know, we hate honesty in this podcast. It's true. Well, the one thing we always say is always be lying. ABL. So the thing is, you do what we always say. And you double down always say You double down

Today is the day you buy your first Ben 10 outfit Maybe 10 of them I don't know how many aliens this boy is I think 10 I think you're going the wrong direction I'll let you finish You hit bad dragon and you get an alien ass dildo You get some weird appendages

You go full hog And I think day one she comes into the bedroom you're dressed as alien number eight if she doesn't go oh my god it's the fiddler she's a liar see this is that's what i was i say you deep dive in the lore of benton and you just casually drop references like you mentioned the you the, the fucking home planet of, of whatever's going on in Ben 10. Ben 10 Omnium. Ben 10 Omnium.

Um, you know what I mean? And it's like, you just start saying things. I think you need to, you need to hit her with like one big one where like she walks in the bedroom, you're an alien, you've got some freaky shit out. And guess what? It's a win-win because if she goes, what are you doing? And you say, you don't recognize Mr. Fiddler, then boom, done. She's's cheating there is a ban out there and he is not tan i hope he's not tan you know what i mean yeah if she's like oh my god then you have the best sex of your life and it's a win-win wait

now hold on hold on a second the main characters include ben tennyson great and his cousin gwen tennyson oh no oh no. Oh, no. We've. Oh, God. Who knew there was a third problem hiding inside this? It's like there's been 10 problems. And the bitch is one. I got Ben 10 problems and incest is apparently one. Yeah.

Yeah. Damn. There was a lot of Ben 10 shows. Yeah. And I think you just got a quiz. You got gotta hit her with the old quizaroo right like you've got a god find ben 10 trivia in your city yeah and then one see how well she does and two halfway through slip a finger how wet she how wet she how wet she though um it's bad this is a bad scenario i think here's what i would do all joking aside we're gonna put jokes to the side for now and we're gonna i would get on social media and see if there is a ben right sure right just just a cursory ben check right and see if there is someone who's been you

know liking photos a little more often recently yeah and just sort of like do some ground detective work i'll just be like is there there's no ben that's almost more suspicious right then that makes me i don't know if it's better or worse but at least you can be like if there's no ben then you can have to start your search ben again yeah maybe go earlier find ben when and that way you can find out who ben then is also like are there unaccounted time like are there things other things you're suspicious of because if this is it like she she knew who gwen was yeah i thought you were gonna say i thought that was the reveal was that there's no gwen's girlfriend or cousin fucking that's a twist i didn't see coming was like julie yeah you know um it's the like i think i don't think look there's a lot of cartoon characters that i've found hot in my you know

i'm not hey it'd be a fucking wild move to just randomly throw out their name in the middle of sex yes right um i think it also depends on how old you guys are like have you ever seen her watch ben 10 or mention ben 10 like has this ever been a thing like 28 and 27 yeah i mean i guess that's that's about the right age that you would have like watched it but again it's like if if i was fancy like i used to think april o'neill like original og april o'ne redhead, yellow jumpsuit. I haven't seen any of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so I don't really know her progression. But like that, that sort of like 80s, 90s April O'Neil was like, yeah, she did it for me.

I have never once ever thought about her during sex. No. You know what I mean? And even like, even that would be, I think, something. But to them be like, I'm just gonna yell their name out yeah that's wild it's a weird thing to do but you just i do the band check do the band check double down bring her to a benton trivia do the old dipstick check i think you're gonna have a real hard time finding benton trivia that you didn't make oh my god make a tree and maybe it'll be a big hit and then it doesn't matter if she's cheating and you'll be fucking rich. Cause you're that Ben 10 trivia guy.

Or just find like a trivia, like night message the host and be like, yo, I've got a, I've got a crisp $20 bill. If you could slip in a Ben, any, any Ben 10,

have a section, please. Yeah. Even just one question, right? Like have a question that's you know vague enough and if she's if she doesn't get it immediately right like if she doesn't fuck it if she doesn't know his last name is tennyson although she has no gwen so you know

he's an alien from space tennyson is he short short is this all been employed by you no this is actually i've never heard of ben well i've known ben 10 but i've never seen the show tennyson this is some lore from another podcast here tennyson is actually a friend of mine okay uh and i just have other friends what the fuck's a kick-ass name uh yeah how about stare down and be like hey you seem to want to introduce more ben 10 into our life if you're screaming at his name during sex like is this something you want to explore and if so how and like i think if she's actually into it it'll be like oh here you go if she's like no be like then why are you okay yeah i think i think that conversation would tell you a lot i think i think there's going to be although i don't know

because if you're sketchy if you're feeling weird about your kink or your fetish or whatever i think you would have the same amount of maybe uncomfortable sheepishness as you would trying to dig your way out of a hole of calling. But I think if you come to it genuine and honest and cool, I mean, like, hey, you know what? Like, I'm down to explore this if you are. And then they're like, and you try to work with them. They just aren't giving you anything. Maybe that's, you know, maybe we should go back to your original non-joke point of being like, hey, you understand this seems sus, right? Yeah. non-joke point of being like hey you understand this seems sus right yeah of just being like you

did call out another person's name and then like scramble to be like it's cartoon though and then drop the drop the 10 you have to understand that that is very suspicious and and just kind of like seem uncomfortable like something that made me feel bad yeah uh and then see what their reactions are because some people fold under like just a drop of pressure right some people can't handle the guilt of infidelity and and unfaithfulness so you might just get like a confession right off the bat there yeah or she's just gonna pull out all her fanfic and you're gonna be like no yeah okay yeah yeah for sure for sure yeah if she's got like a fucking little binder yeah and it just says 10 isn't just the amount of aliens he can be. Yeah. And then in brackets inches.

Yeah. And then it's just like all of her, you know, drawn pictures of her getting railed by 10 different aliens. Then I think, I think I would be able to put that to rest. I wouldn't maybe have to have a conversation about being like, I'm not pretending you're my cousin.

So yeah. Yeah. I would love to know. Is that a part of it? Yeah. I'm not going gonna do that though i will pretend like your grandpa max though who's grandpa max i think it's pretty obvious who grandpa max is i like that there's classic aliens and there's presumably meaning there are other

aliens of bantan what is called ghost freak damn oh okay i'm sorry i'm sorry like these are there's no way this isn't meant to make you horny. Ghost Freak. Yeah. Can that be one of our new names? How about Way Big? Way Big. Way Big.

Damn. There's Vilgax, Heat Blast, Diamond Head, Forearms, Classic. That's what it says. Alien X. There's a lot of fucking aliens here. There's a lot of Bantam aliens. Big Chill, Big Chuck, Big Bug. A lot of Big. A lot of Big. They're lot of bentonians big chill big chuck big bug a lot of big a lot big they're so horny they're so horny why the benton aliens so horny there's build a

guy there's hybrid build a guy build a guy okay charmalian did you say hybrid hybrid yeah damn charcoal contumelia which sounds a little like come to me i don't know i mean cow alien cosmic mom okay can you dress as hybrid is really getting me though hybrid yeah damn benton you're horny as hell there's i guy who you would hate yeah yeah don't like former hybrid supreme oh that's gonna be a new pickup line for me. Hey girl, you want to, you want to meet hybrid Supreme ghost freak is giant man. There's like this, this must be the best show ever. There's ghost freak followed by giant man.

Sir. Followed by goop classic. Ooh, I love goop classic. I don't like when they rebooted goop. No, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, noop no no no the reboot goop bad re-goop there's human goop soar and human goop soar alpha damn jerry jerry one of the aliens just jerry great uh can i just go through this whole list i guess so there's living pumpkins oh i assume that's a bunch of living pumpkins and not just the name of someone called living pumpkins mole stestash. Muckamuck. Damn. You gotta.

Yeah. You gotta be these. You've got to be all of them until she begs you to not do it anymore. Slam worm. Come on. That's what I call my dick. Yeah. That's what we all call our dick.

And also speedy quick. Same thing. Oh, I thought it said the splitter, but it was the spitter. Hey, it works. Stillitter It works Stink arms That's what we're going to be when we leave this That's what I am right now The worst We can't talk about Ben 10 aliens

The whole episode Vomit man Vulcanus No, it can't be spelt like that It's spelt exactly It can't be spelt But it's vulcanus. No, it can't be spelt like that. It's spelt exactly. It can't be spelt. It's spelt exactly. Okay, but it's Volcanus.

It's Volcanus. There's no hyphen. There's no... And what are we, living in Gowanus, Dane? Yeah. This is from Ax Ryu. My long-term girlfriend is not attractive to me anymore, and I'm worried. First and foremost, I'd like to say that my girlfriend and I have been together for almost a decade now.

It's been nothing short of a really comfortable and amazing journey through life with her. She's the most amazing person I could have ever asked for. She's caring and loving, and we vibe really well. Thus the nine years we've been together. However, I know and understand that I sound like an absolute asshole, but I'm not attracted to her anymore. I just do not find her physically attractive, and as superficial as that may seem, I'm someone who cares about looks and physique. I think sometime a year ago or so that I've encouraged her and also offered to work out with her and diet with her, but she just cannot seem to do so. She tried really hard for a few months, but after seeing no results, she's gotten really

stagnant and stopped trying harder. Now, don't get me wrong. I do not blame her as adulting and life is tiring as a whole. Making time to work out should be something you enjoy, not forced upon you. Everyone has their own preferences and their life choices to make. She's entitled to have her own decisions and also choose how she wants to live. Yet I just cannot seem to get past the past when we were both physically fit and I was always falling head over heels for her.

It doesn't help at all, but because of all the negativity around this, I'm more than ticked off about a few other things that's negative about her, i.e. her accent, and other things which I do not wish to name, as I do not want to leave any negative impressions of her. Trust me, she's an amazing person overall. I want to love her unconditionally, as she deserves nothing less. I just

cannot seem to do so, as I'm not finding the physical attraction part of things, which leads to my annoyance of others and i'm here to seek advice thank you for reading my very late uh ramblings i am extremely sorry and guilty for constantly loving her less and less than she should be i was gonna be a lot kinder before the accent thing yeah because like i can understand parts of it and maybe we could have had a different conversation but to be like you're not as fit as i would like now i'm pissed off about your accent what do you what it's not even that she he's pissed off it's that he's noticing negative things about her i.e her

accent so like that seems to always have been in the negative column and like the hotness just like outweighed it yeah over balance it was like It was like, sure, you have this accent, but you're hot enough that I can overlook it. But now that you're not hot, I can't overlook your negative accent. It's so fucked. I do, however, need to know what accent it is. I do need to know what accent it is. Oh, I need to know so bad. It could be

the kicker, right? It could really be it. Because there are some accents that are insufferable. Why are you pointing at me so angrily i've beaten the accent out of you that's true uh there's i mean look nine years is a long time to be with someone yeah and there are ebbs and flows in relationships yeah it could be the ebb i also understand of being like, like I'm a strong proponent of, and it's a big reason why I don't like sort of marriage as a, as an idea,

as a concept of being like, I'm going to love you forever because that's an unreasonable thing. And an unrealistic thing to say to someone. We're never going to change. Yeah. And if we do and it's bad, I fuck it. Yeah.

We're sticking together and it's going to suck. Yeah. Like it's, it's not necessarily realistic. And it's like, sometimes you do grow apart, whether it be for a good reason or a bad reason. And like,

you should be able to either, you know, seek somebody else or step away from the relationship or whatever. And sometimes it's neither. Sometimes it's just a thing that happens. Like for sure. How many friends, like we don't look at like the friends that have kind of come and gone out of

our lives. The same, like you, you don't make a friend. You were like, well, I've been, I've,

we've been friends all throughout school, which is 12 years. Now we have to be friends forever. 12 years, no one even dates that long before getting married. It's like, oh, I met you last year at work and you're pretty cool. It's been about a year and a half. Should we maybe get the government to say we have to be friends forever?

If we don't, we're going to do a whole big embarrassing thing that's going to involve us and our families and some lawyers. And then one of us is going to be fucking financially ruined. Is that cool? Yeah. Like, yeah, let's do it, Dave. Oh, shit.

I'm moving to California. Right. So it's like we need to understand that, like, humanity isn't really, in my opinion, meant to to be stagnant in terms of our relationships. And that's not to say I don't think that people can be married and happy for X amount of time. I just think that like, you also don't need to be married to be together happy for a long time. Right. I think,

don't think that like, it needs to be the same thing or, or the same as what it was. So it's like, by all means, I understand not finding a partner attractive anymore. People's bodies change. You're not obligated to find the

changes attractive the same way that they're not obligated to want to constantly be in the shape that you find it or whatever yeah um but like and that's the thing if you are just you know you don't find them physically attractive anymore if you're not a dick about it that's fine if however you're like you're ugly you need to work out like blah, blah, blah. Then you suck. Yeah. Right. So it's like, it seems like I'm actually doubting that they were chill about most of this, but

it seems like you tried to do this in a chill way and they weren't interested. And now instead of being like, how do I get her to work out? You're just like, oh, I'm not into whatever it is. Sure. That's okay. But I think a few things here. One, you've raised a really good point where it's like before you were like overlooking things you didn't like because they were attractive in your eyes.

And now that they're not, you're letting those resurface. That sucks. And that's not a good thing to do. If there's someone you don't like, but you're like, well, they're hot. That's bad. Yeah. That's bad too. Don't just take out your grumpiness that they're not in the physical form that you want on

them. Don't be like, oh, well now they're not hot. not hot i hate this i hate that and all these things are raising up you know you're being a dick that's not cool um but if you are not into it you should not continue to see this person yeah if if your happiness and your satisfaction and relationship does require some level of physical attractiveness which isn't a bad thing like i want to i want to stress that like if that's something that's important to you that's fine if you want to be physically attracted to your partner i'm not saying you're a piece of shit for that there's a lot of areas tangential to that where you're a piece of shit but if that's just one thing that's fine and like

i have a point that's gone it's the same thing it's like, I've stopped having as frequent sex with my partner or we've just stopped having sex altogether. There's a lot of couples who move past the point where they're just like, it doesn't, the sex doesn't really matter anymore because we have this foundation because we love each other because, but then there are other people like for me, I don't think I'd want to be in a relationship that just didn't have sex.

Sex is an important part of my happiness. I would have to be so old that like my body doesn't want it anymore and then sure sure yeah right so it's like i think i think all these like things that you need or want are are completely valid or if you take the looks out of it and flip it it's like oh my partner's super hot we don't get on well anymore yeah we would all be like yeah fucking get out of there yeah so it's like if it's not working for you that's fine and the thing is it doesn't even matter like maybe this guy's being a dick they should still break up then yes you know what i mean and that's the thing it's like it's we're not saying it's pure we're not saying everybody has to be hot all the

time if it's not working for him and he's being weird and bitter then breaking up is good for both yeah right so you know and that's the thing it's like you you're getting hung up on the time that you've spent together you're getting hung up that you still do have feelings for them there is nothing wrong with breaking up with someone that you still care about yeah right like a breakup doesn't need to have to wait until you hate each other yes or until there's some sort of cataclysmic event because the more bitterness you build up that's just what's going to happen yeah and it's like i think we talked about this beginning of the year where i was like i want to i think like two or three episodes we talked about i want to i want to normalize breaking up with people while you still care about them yeah because when you

know it's not going to work the reason you care about the reason you're breaking up is because you care yeah about them right and i know there's going to be a lot of people uh especially because of the way that we've been conditioned to think about how relationships should be and how relationships should end and continue where a lot of people i think are going to not believe it and think it's bullshit the whole it's not you it's me the whole you know i'm doing it because i love you like that thing i think can sound very disingenuous sure and our own insecurities will have a hard time swallowing that pill yeah i think the the way to navigate that is you give them the reasons and you say you're ending it because you care about them and you don't want things to get to a

point where it's bad. Right. But like, I will say also it's been nine years, things do stagnate and there are other ways to like, like I would love to know how everything else is going. You know what I mean? Is it just like,

Oh, I don't, there's no spark. It's because they're not physically attracted to me anymore. Or is it are you guys in a rut have you not done fun stuff are you not like going on date nights and like being sexy shaking things up you know what i mean if it's just day in day out maybe you're just blaming it on this thing that isn't actually the cause yeah the pro like the the tough thing here is like it's such a sensitive subject that if you were trying to troubleshoot it i think you would have to make a cold shot and be like,

I don't find you physically attractive anymore, which sucks to hear. Yeah. And I think that pushing that boulder down the hill, I don't really think would net much progress. I think, I think it's possible. And I think you would need someone to sort of mediate it.

On the person, the situation, the tax, the tone etc yeah but i think my guess would be more times yeah more times than not i think it would put the other person into a you know insecurity i think it would put them into maybe a depression spiral i don't think anyone would be like oh that's the motivation i needed to work out or diet or whatever i don't know like a lot of so like i put on a bit of weight during covid and i knew i looked like shit but like didn't really know i looked you know what i mean like it was like this weird thing where like i thought it

but i was hoping i didn't and like every now and then i would see pictures i'm like god damn it i hated it but like i never knew like no one ever kind of really said it apart from really mean people at work who would say shit like that anyway so like it didn't really matter um and like i had like a pretty frank conversation with my partner at the point just kind of being like i'm not really happy about this and they were like very kind and nice but like did admit that you know things had changed and i was like yeah okay that's and that was like a step in the direction of me being like okay i need to fix this shit yeah the main reason it was bad was because kovid was fucked i couldn't do anything you know what i mean but in that in

that scenario you were the one who yes you were the catalyst right now but like maybe like i can't imagine it would have gone i would have been a little bit more upset maybe depending on again tact tone situation yeah but like it still had the same effect one way or another yeah they might also have the additional effect of me being really angry or whatever but yeah you know it's still like i find it hard to hear that and not be like well gotta get my shit in gear you know yeah um so i think long story short the the answer i'm going to give you is i think you need to do either a couple things one a hard hard look as nile said be like what what is our relationship outside of this this physical attractiveness is that all it hinged on

yeah is is that really the linchpin of your especially if there are all these things you're overlooking because yeah that's not good and then you need to think of being like okay what what is our relationship mean to me as a whole? Because are you just getting on fucking Instagram and watching porn and being like, I want to fuck hotter women and think that there's a greener pasture outside? Because hey, my dude, I'm going to tell you right now, probably not.

It's been what, nine, 10 years, bud? Yeah, you're walking into a wasteland. Which is fine. Not to say you shouldn't break up with people because of that yes you know what i mean if you're breaking up for good reasons then it doesn't matter what else is out there but if you're breaking up because you're like look at these instagram models like i got that you don't got that i'm sorry you don't got it also instagram is fake everything on there that's the thing like all these things are fake and and and the the likelihood of you breaking up with this partner and then going in,

like just living this bachelor lifestyle, I think you'll be, I think you'll be incredibly disillusioned by that experience. And I think a lot of men do that. And then they're like, fuck. Yeah. Or,

and I think a lot of men also like look at their current partner and, and do fantasize about what ifs and the other, you know, the, the dreams of, of whatever, regardless of how attractive they find their partners and the other, you know, the dreams of whatever, regardless of how attractive they find their partner and how, you know, happy they are in a relationship. And I think that's a normal thing to do. I don't think it's a bad thing to do,

but you need to be like, is that what I'm doing right now? Because maybe you need a reality check with yourself. And third, I think a little bit of therapy might, talking to a mental health professional and being like, here's where I stand, here's, and like, they might be able to direct you into somewhere to focus your reflection and your energy and being like, oh, right. I understand why I feel this. I feel this way because of X and it's not really anything to do with why. And if that's the case, great. But if they, they have this conversation, you come to the realization that yes, it is that important to you to be happy that you find your partner physically attractive and you no longer find this person physically attractive and you've come to the correct conclusion of being like oh i

don't have any right yeah to tell her to diet to tell her that's what i was gonna say is on top of all the things you should do this is what you should not yeah right like i i think you've come to the right conclusion of being like she deserves if she wants. If she's happy with who she is, fucking great. You don't get to just come in and be like, do this now. Do this to make me happy. Yeah, it makes me happy if you do this. Because you're right. If someone wants to work out, they'll work out.

If someone wants to change their body, they'll change their body. And being told to do it isn't the way to fucking do it. So you've made that conclusion. So I think you need to like take those steps and then when you get to the end if if it is like a oh i don't want to be with this person because i don't find them attractive anymore and it's that important to me then you need to break up with them and it doesn't matter that you've been together for almost a decade it doesn't matter how long you've been with them that's the sunk cost fallacy guys yeah it fucks

relationships up or you stay in things because you're like well it's been this long it No, that's not a reason. Yeah. So, you know, and then have the honest conversation to just be like, look, I really care about you. And unfortunately I'm not happy in the relationship anymore. And the, the best thing for me to do is to end it while I still, you know, while we still love each other, while we still care about each while, while we're still on good terms, I want to make this a split i want this to be a a gentle departure and not a fucking train wreck yeah and they might not take it great and that's you know that's that's just life but at least you can be like cool i didn't drive this relationship into the ground and hurt someone i care about and waste their time more bitter and waste my time yeah yeah So good luck out there. Good luck. This is by Lord Farquad777.

He, 29-year-old male, randomly said, girl, you thick as hell to me, 28-year-old female the other day. And then today he told me he started heavily exercising again because he saw a little bit of pooch and he ain't going to the beach like that. This man is extra tall, lean, and handsome. I feel like a busted can of biscuits. I know I'm probably taking this small series of events way too personally. I truly feel upset about it. I've had two kids. I have a weird

relationship with food. I don't think I'm fat, but I'm certainly not skinny. Anyway, him and I are going to the beach in less than two weeks and I truly do not even want to go anymore. I struggle with bathing suits so bad. He's basically sculpted now and I'm curvy and jiggly. Am I taking this unnecessarily personal? Is this how some people would tell you they think you should lose weight? Am I being ridiculous right now? Obviously I'm self-conscious and insecure. It's not his fault he wants to get fit or that we hold ourselves to different standards. It's the fact that he's aware I'm insecure. Selfishly, I was extremely attracted to him when he had more weight on him. He quit drinking and saved his life and now he has abs. I'm still extremely attracted to him, especially

now that he's taking care of himself, but i feel like his overweight girlfriend with two kids and bd drama just weighing him down or something i feel like an asshole for even posting this thanks for letting me vent how do i move past this how do i communicate this to him without sounding stupid i think you've misunderstood what i think he intended as a compliment as like if we being called thick as hell is universally hailed as a good thing yeah you got that booty you got booty you got curves you've got you got like it's just like being thick is is thankfully now appropriate and you know no one's fucking weird about it like we're getting better i'm worried about i mean you're getting weird about it and that's like unfortunately that is how insecurities work right wait let's what if you deliver that like this girl oh you you think it's hell sure yeah

you try your version am i doing it bad like if he was doing it yeah okay uh girl you're thick as hell that kind of sounded it It was like both. I don't know if I can... I don't know if I can say it. I don't know if I can say it. Yeah. I don't know if there's a bone in my body that could disrespect the thickness. You got a great dick.

No, you're good. It's so funny. Your dick is so good. Initially, when I read it, I misread it as he saw... He said that she had a little bit of a pooch yeah and that she ain't going to the beach like that and i was like why are you even confused about the other thing that's a terrible thing to say he was talking about himself he's insecure so you're insecure you're both insecure you need to realize thick as hell is universally

hailed as a good thing yes being called thick as hell is is definitely a compliment in the scenario however i will say still worth bringing up if yes if you're bothered by it yes still worth saying hey when you call me thick it really triggered some insecurities and hopefully this dude who noticed a bit of pooch and decided to work the fuck out i don't know how like how long were they going to the beach for like how in a week yeah so like someone would be like i need to fucking crush this pooch in a week like obviously this man has body image issues as well or you know has understands the the idea of the importance of an outward physical you know appearance and reception so like hopefully he is not a piece of shit and if you're like when you call me thick as hell it

kind of like triggered some insecurities on me and made me really self-conscious about my weight hopefully at that point in time he will reassure you if he does say shitty things about your weight then you fucking take your thick ass out of there and find someone who's going to appreciate you you take your gwen ass out there you find your bantan ass on the beach or wherever yeah i. I like, I think what's important is yes. Communication, talk to them. But I think going into a conversation, knowing that you're being like, I won't say you're being silly or you're wrong, but you are. And knowing that going in, but still having the conversation is really important. Cause if you go in and be like, what'd you mean? Like we did, you know, that's not great. But if you go, Oh, I think he meant it like this.

And then you just bury it. That's not great either. Yeah. So I think there's a really powerful thing. It's a lot to do with like, when you're talking about jealousy as well, I find this, you know, you're being irrational and you still have that conversation, but you have that conversation humbly being like, look. Yeah. With the context. Exactly. Of recognition.

The humility of like, look, I'm in the wrong, but I do want to bring it up because it's bothering me. And like, that's a really nice gift to your partner because you're being honest, you're being communicative and you're squashing this, this shitty thing openly in, in like the free air between you two. Yeah. Instead of like trying to battle it silently. And then maybe if you're being weird or if you're short or like being short with somebody or like, you know, little girl you short as hell whoa but like then you can you know they'll understand as opposed to like keeping it all buried and then maybe it builds up maybe it doesn't maybe you're a little weird and they don't know why and i'm fine there's nothing

wrong like you know and also like on your beach date when you're all when you bail or you know you don't want to take your shirt off or you're you're being very uncomfortable like it's good to like it's a great gift to give to your partner to open the doors to your insec off or you're, you're being very uncomfortable. Like it's good to like, it's a great gift to give to your partner to open the doors to your insecurities. So they can be like, Hey, you look great.

Like that bikini suits you really well. Absolutely. Or like, Hey, want to get in the water? No, I don't want to take my shirt off. Oh,

that's fine. That's fine. You know what I mean? Yeah. Now in stock, you're like, why come on, get in the fucking water.

It's not fun. Like knowing, and they mean well, but it sucks for you. And then it's this fight over nothing and it sucks and you're gonna do that to yourself that's gonna make everything worse yeah just have the conversation it doesn't matter if what he said was well-intentioned or that you took it the wrong way it matters that you know that but still have the conversation let them

know let them open the door and let them peek behind and be like hey that made me feel like x y or z and then you'll move forward. Or if he's shitty, you move forward with somebody else. Yeah, exactly. I think it's a great litmus test to be like, okay, I know this person is going to take care of me or is going to be a problem for me. And at which point, you know which direction to go. Don't hem and haw on it.

Make your decision. Be like, this person is going to make sure my insecurities are taken care of, and this person is going to exploit them. And at that point in time, you know whether to stay or go. Yeah. And if you have a weird relationship with food and your body and whatever, and this person is going to be bad for that, get the fuck out of there.

Yeah. We'll blast you this real quick. Fresh Insurance 7665 asked, Husband asked me to get naked before his friends. I loved it. What's next for me? I'm an average married woman who recently found out I enjoy exhibitionism. My husband loves this as well.

It was his idea in the first place where he got me naked in front of his friends. It was his big kink. I went along and enjoyed the whole experience. We did it multiple times. Ever since, I've been exploring certain scenarios to explore our kink. But I also want to be respectful of consent, etc. What safe options are there out there for a woman in her thirties? Go to a sex club.

Yeah. Go to a sex club, get railed in front of a bunch of strangers who are all more than willing and consenting to be around and maybe get involved. But again, talk about those parameters. Talk about those possibilities, establish safe words, communication signals, and don't go into it blind. Yeah. But like, that's the thing. possibilities establish safe words communication signals and don't go into it blind yeah but like

that's the thing it's like when you go to a sex club you kind of there's a there's a blanket consent of people being like i am okay with a club in which there is sex i i know what i'm getting into here and i know that i will be around people who are naked i know i'll be around people who are participating in sexual acts so like yes that is that is a great place to even if you like just want to walk around naked like you don't have to have set like you know you don't have to do any like you could just stroll around naked watching other people or put on a show and be like you know be the center of attention for a second get up on a table take your clothes off have everyone look at you and be like yeah fuck yeah and then walk away put a robe on put a towel on do what you

want but you can't just like strip off in front of people no absolutely not and you can't you can't flash people like none of that shit however crime there are also uh clothing optional beaches i don't know if there's one near you but this is also another thing where as long as you guys aren't doing anything sexual yeah if you're just like getting a thrill from it yeah that's fine if you're gonna fucking finger yourself on the beach probably not cool not okay right like there there's levels of consent where people kind of agree to be a part of something based on where they are right so if you're at a clothing optional beach and you don't want to see someone take their clothes off that's your fucking that's yes you've you've made a choice that is

dumb but people who are in a clothing optional beach have not consented to watch you and your husband fool around or have a sexual experience at the extent of their comfort. Yeah. So if you just want to sort of take a stroll and be ogled or even just like be around and possibly ogle. Yeah. Right. Like then. Yeah, that's an option.

As now said, sex club is for the extreme end of that of being like you will be looked at. That's kind of the point. Yeah. Other options. I think you could look into posting anonymous photos and videos online for sure right that the online voyeurism exhibitionism is is a great thing i would say some reddit stuff get like make sure you don't put your face and or identifiable tattoos or pictures of your home that'll get you yes Yes. You know, maybe yourself be smart,

maybe do it in a hotel or, you know, make sure you don't have any really distinguishing features that people are. Do you? The internet is full of sleuths, so be safe. Yeah. Um,

somebody naked in your backyard. If you want to, I don't know if that's cool. Cause it's your property and you can do what you want. Yeah. Right. Like, I think that's a weird one where it's like you're allowed to do that

and it's them looking in, but I don't know. If you have a bunch of kids next door, maybe don't do that. I don't know what your living situation is, but if you have a bigger house kind of out of the way, maybe you're okay. I don't know. That one's probably a gray area, but you know. You're good. Just take it slow.

Constantly check in with your partner and each other to make sure that the levels in which you are participating in are the ones that you are comfortable with. Research this shit. Look it up. I'm sure there's an exhibitionist forum out there that practice safe shit. Ethnic shit. So look at them. They might be like, hey, do this. You're like, oh, that's not for me.

Or they say this and you go, oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. And that's the thing. I don't think the way that kinks work is interesting because you might be into spanking but you could line up 10 people and have them describe what an enjoyable spanking experience oh for sure and so much going to be light like like so much like a feather during during the act but some people want it just in isolation other people giant fucking mallet with spikes on it. Yeah. It's like if they don't draw blood, they don't enjoy it.

Ben 10 dildo smacking off there. So it's like kinks are funny and fetishes are funny that way where it's like you can't really ask for a sort of like roadmap of what to do. Especially not from other people, right? It's like I could be like, yeah, 100%. Go get railed in front of eight dudes at a sex club. And you're like, God, no, that's not it for me. Or you'd be like, yeah, 100%, go get railed in front of eight dudes at a sex club, and you're like, God, no, that's not it for me. Or you'd be like, really, that's all? Put out a Craigslist ad and be like, I'm going to be at this bathroom

at this time. Come watch my husband finger me. And it could even be as simple as maybe you get off on knowing that you didn't wear underwear, and you're going to groceries. And it's like, that's not upsetting anyone. But to you, it's risque and like, ooh, you ooh, I don't know. Yeah.

It's just consent and chatting and exploring options and making sure you're safe. So again, if you do stuff with your husband and their friends, make sure you know that everybody is consenting. And make sure you know that everybody knows where the lines are, the boundaries. Because otherwise, when they get gray, it's really hard to have that conversation in the moment. And you might end up doing something either you don't want to do or what somebody else doesn't want to do. Correct. That's going to do it for our show friends.

Thank you very much. This closet. I am fucking drip. It's hot. It's hot in here. And we have another episode we got to do after this. It's going to be rough y'all. It's going to be a tough time,

but we need to, we need to get out of here. Thank you very much for listening. I, are you good with skipping tenders? You know what? Yes. It's going to be rough y'all. It's going to be a tough time. But we need to get out of here. Thank you very much for listening. Are you good with skipping Tinder, Zan? Yeah, you know what? We love you. We'll get back to it soon. I'm sorry. I'm literally, like, if you could see how sodden I am, it's like I'm watching Ben 10. This,

thank you, Josh Eagle, and the Harvard Cities for their song Paper Stars. Please come to our show. We love you. It's the 25th of June. There's going to be cool guests. It's going to be fun. Share our stuff. Like our stuff. Do it. Add us on Patreon, please. Support us. We love you. And this is going to be some bad sex writing to take us

into that moist embrace of dawn. This is by Sandman Slim, written by Richard Cadry. The girl working the counter is a green-haired pixie who looks somewhere between 12 and 35. She's wearing sequined antennae that bob up and down when she talks. The grown-up part of my brain

imagines she tears the stupid things off and tosses them in the backseat of her car the moment she's finished her shift. The 19-year-old in me wonders if she sometimes wears them when she screws her boyfriend. Wants to look up and see her and those sequined balls bobbing up and down over you. Neat. Weird to sexualize someone you think might be 12. Yeah. Very cool. cool get out the fuck i tried to read a the prequel

to this book the book before this is fucking sucked sorry richard sorry richard sorry not sorry richard uh this honestly wouldn't be bad if it wasn't for the age thing i think yes right it was like somewhere between 20 and 35 because Cause like people in Canada, it's hard to tell between 20 and 35 sometimes, you know what I mean? But in Ireland, you're 30, you look fucking 30. Uh,

yeah. Like I, I think like for the most part, a little gratuitous, but like, I think enough, it's enough there that you understand, especially if you're trying to think like a 19 year old.

Absolutely. Like it's fine. But the second you're like, she could be 12. Yeah. Why? Bad dude. Why?

Surely, you know, that's bad. Yeah. Speaking of bad, it's hot. It's so hot. We could be 12 yeah why bad dude why surely you know that's bad yeah speaking of bad it's hot it's so hot we love you I'm leaving bye

my name is Dave Miller and I'm your fuck buddies Niles Bang bye