F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 298 - Non-Consensual Office Staring Contest

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

If you catch them looking at you because you were looking at them then can you even be upset?  Topics include interesting animal encounters while dating, indulging your foot fetish, weeding out on your first date, and appreciating those heavy boobs. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a sex and dating advice podcast

Where we take your sticky sexy situations And turn them into sexy sticky situations Simply put, we find questions either wandering the wilds of the internet The barren wilds And we wrangle them down And we haul them into this closet And we fucking answer them, I guess With a baseball bat

And a spiked one And then we send those answers to you Via the medium of podcasts In your ears With our voices baseball bat spiked one phone book yeah um and and then we send those answers to you via the medium of podcasts yeah in your ears with our voices with our voices and this here microphone we had a lovely live show this week but last week yeah depending on when you listen i like i don't know why i always do that where i'm just like oh god because you could listen to this 10 years from now if you wanted to um and we just wanted to thank everyone who came out. And we also wanted to thank our incredible guests, Trevor Campbell from you made me queer travel,

travel, travel, Trevor, Trevor, Campbell, uh, who was amazing. And it was a lot of fun.

And I'm very exciting for, I'm very exciting. Jesus, we're fucking knocking out. We're doing it. I'm very excited for their upcoming project, which is like a spoof on like true crime. And it's going to be fucking great because everything they do is great.

So that episode will be coming out at some point. And it was great. I will also say we were doing a little fundraiser for glad day bookshop. Probably won't still be going. It will be done, but we've raised at least $400 so far, which is pretty sick. So thank you to everybody who has contributed and we were matching donations as well so i think that's pretty cool because it's the oldest queer bookshop in the world and the world's an incredible thing and needs to be fucking preserved yeah uh you want to get into it yes uh

do we want to talk about what we're going to talk about yeah this week we're going to talk about uh interesting animal encounters while dating uh indulging your foot fetish. First date picking weeds. And someone to appreciate those heavy boobs. Those heavy boobs. Damn. So this is a user submitted question from the incredible Agent Winchester. Some of it's just for us. So you don't get to read that part.

You don't get it. It's ours. It made us laugh and we liked it. So thank you. But there's a question that's for us and we will share. And that is, question of the week is what's the weirdest animal slash pet encounter you've had on a date mine was when the neighbor's cat jumped on my boyfriend's windowsill from outside while we were getting down to business and started meowing until we paid attention to it that's

adorable i look there are very few things that would like get me out of fuck zone the only thing that distracts dame from pussy is pussy yeah like i don't know if i like i'd be like uh sorry baby i it doesn't matter how horny i am i do need to pay this cat i need i need to touch it i need to make it love me i need to make it purr and then i would i would also be very concerned that like if he's on the windowsill he's in danger yeah i get like i'm'm hoping your first or second floor. Yeah, anything past that. This is I would I would be so worried about this cat. I would not be able to like what if we fuck so

hard we shake the room and then this cat tumbles like brand from Game of Thrones. Yeah, the things we do for love and now he's the king. Now he's the king spoiler hates you because you know, it's your fault. So now the Kings guards coming after you that's going to also cock block you fault. So now the Kingsguard's coming after you. That's gonna also cock-block you. I don't want

a cat to ever hate me. No. I'm trying to think of... I have a weird pet story. There was a time where I was just booty-calling a lady and she had a chihuahua. And literally every time I'd go over, when we were in the room,

the chihuahua would literally every time I'd go over when we were in the room, uh, the Chihuahua would shit everywhere. And it's like the smallest little shaky, useless dog. And I was like, how are you pooping? Like your body weight. And you must've been saving it up being like,

I think Dane's coming over this week. So I saw her texting and smiling. So I know what that means. Uh, I, the only other one I can think of is um when i first met my current partner uh we kind of did things backwards we we had met on a dating app the vagina in the dick yeah um where we we kept trying to plan dates and she got sick and then i

got sick and then like it was around christmas time uh and anyway we decided to i guess like hook up before we ever went on a date uh and groundbreaking i know um but it was like it was just funny that like we we kept trying to have a date and then we were just like no yeah let's just fuck like this is we know that's where the date's going anyway um and so when i went over uh she she had her dog and the dog i wouldn't say he didn't like me, but was a very excitable puppy and literally barked pretty much the entire time. And like the second I sort of like kissed her, the dog was just like in between us and just barking up. So that was it had a shrill bark. It was it was a it was a tough bark to withhold or withstand.

Well, my partner's dog gets weird if we like hug and kiss, but it's not in a like angry way. It's just like, uh, what about me? Like if we pick her up and like, if we're just like having a hug in the kitchen or like a little kiss,

pick the dog up, dog's happy. I'm not going to do that. Well, we're fucking. Yeah. I refuse. You need to go back to game of Thrones and get a little like Hodor backpack

for the dog. Just hang out with you. But it's funny. I refuse. You need to go back to Game of Thrones and get a little Hodor backpack for the dog. Just hang out with you. It's funny. I had a similar one-ish to Agent Winchester here where we were kind of getting down on the couch and then all of a sudden sounded like someone threw a rock at the window. So we kind of jumped,

looked over, and there's a dazed squirrel on the fucking windowsill, but there's a dazed squirrel like on the fucking like windowsill. But there was like a plant right like after the glass. So I think they were like, oh, I eat that. I didn't understand glass and jumped from the tree and just smashed into the window. And like we got lucky because the force it hit the window with it very easily could have broken. And then they were just like confused and just jump back in the tree and ran away.

So it's aren't squirrels. Squirrels aren't. It was animals slash pets. Actually. Okay. So then we're back into it. So there was a sex and dating advice show where a bear showed up. That was a pretty, that was pretty cool.

That was sex related. Yeah. And animal related. And they were us and we were them and it was Camp Halcyon and it was the woods and it was fun. And when I perform, it's pretty much like sex. Yeah. Yeah.

You got distracted. Yeah. It took a long time to get to the point. Yeah. Yeah. You got distracted. Yeah. It took a long time to get to the point. Spent a lot of time looking at bugs. A lot of people were pointing and laughing. Yeah. This, I guess this is my turn now. This is informal idea.

How can I indulge as much as possible in my fetish when I'm alone? Be as creative as possible. Foot fetish here. Let's say I have three hours of time to indulge as much as I can in my fetish. My philosophy tells me that instead of having a quick fap once every day, it would be more fulfilling to have a full big masturbation session once a week so I can feel satisfied for the week and focus on different things. So what can I do in my case? Just so you know, I don't have a partner, don't have the money to buy stuff. So only free OnlyFans comes into question.

I like Nylon and Femdom, but I'm open to anything. So be as creative and crazy as possible. Pornhub. This man is like, how are you on the internet? And you're like, I guess it's only OnlyFans. I'm still wildly unaware that the internet exists. Yeah, you can find pretty much whatever you want for free on there, I'm pretty sure. How about

you set up a confusing array of mirrors so that you see your feet, but you're not sure if it's someone else's, and that's kind of exciting. It's like when you sit on your own hand, so it's numb. Yeah. You have so many mirrors that you know it's your foot, but you're actually not sure. Maybe it's not. What you need to do is

shave one of your legs. I don't know. Maybe you're, but you're actually not sure. Maybe it's not. What you need to do is- Shave one of your legs. I don't know. Maybe you're into boy feet or hairy lady feet. Instead of mirrors, film it, but set it on delay. So when you wiggle your toes, you know you're wiggling your toes, but in 30 seconds, those toes are going to wiggle, and you're not wiggling your toes. I mirror it too.

Yeah, there you go. Flip them around. That was a right foot, but that one looks like a left foot. Paint your nails a little bit. Yeah. Soil them up. Get them stinky. Get them sticky. Get them both. Stinky, sticky. I found this question on Reddit and went into the search bar and I typed foot fetish. That's it. Do you know how much came up? I'm pretty sure there's, okay. I don't even know why I'm saying pretty

sure. There's no way there aren't multiple foot fetish subreddits yeah like dedicated purely and solely to yes i found one of the first things that came up in the foot fetish subreddit was a like 18 minute video of a woman sitting like like crouched down like on her haunches kind of so like it was her butt and then her feet below just wiggling them tootsies and it was like 18 minutes i was like that's there you go that is three hours so that's you can throw that on loop i'm sure there are other 18 minute videos you're good yeah i don't understand also like it's always a weird question to be like hey how should i explore my how should i masturbate but also how should i explore my cake

i'm like oh the thing that's so specific to you yeah the thing that like oh i'm sure if i was like here's a foot video they're either gonna be like yes that's my shit or like oh no really yeah wiggling toes it's smooth i want like maybe he wants dirty feet you know i mean maybe he wants hairy feet maybe he wants big feet maybe he wants small feet also weird that he doesn't talk like he says foot fetish and then in the at the end he's like i like nylon and and femdom femdom okay like femdom femdom femdom femdom sounds like your country welcome to femdom yeah hey that's that's a sovereign nation i would i yeah i would visit um but i'm just like you don't you don't go into like what about feet like do you want to watch someone giving a foot job do you just want to see it being massaged is it

like more of like oh you catch a glimpse of a foot job? Do you just want to see it being massaged? Is it like more of like, Oh, you catch a glimpse of a foot. So like, that's exciting. Not someone being like, here's my feet. Yeah.

Boring. Like I promise you, if you go onto Pornhub or anywhere, just on the internet and you type like instruction foot fetish, I promise you, you'll find plenty of content. Nylon femdom foot job. Boom.

We've done it. like i don't understand but like asking people for your fetish is weird because it's particular to you that you would need to give us so much information but at that point guess you could do with that information google yeah it's your but like so outside of the fetish outside of the kink thing where you're like oh i don't want to have quick jerk off sessions i'm not going to masturbate like quickly i'm instead going to do none of that and once like i don't know maybe i'm a strange breed but when i have sex once in during the week i'm not like well that's it for the week yeah right like that's not exactly how my libido or sexual attraction works like i could very much wake up and be like, I'm not in the mood.

But then if my partner does a very sexy thing or touches me in a certain way, I'm like, well, or even now I am a sexy thing. I'm like, damn, you're so hot. Now I am in the mood. Yeah. I also like if I decide to just crank one out quickly versus taking a little time with it, that doesn't change how horny I am. It just changed how much time I took that time.

And it doesn't like. I don't have like a horny meter. Where it's like. I've invested three hours into horny meter time. And I've only got three hours of horny time. For the week. So that's all my horny time. Because like.

I could be just as horny in like half an hour. For sure. I could have like sex for an hour. And then within a glass of water and uh-oh you started stroking my dick again and now i'm ready to go i don't i don't understand but maybe that's how this person works if it is i'm jealous i'm i don't know i don't know because part of it comes to masturbation if it comes to masturbation if i could just be like you know what i'm gonna lock myself in this closet i'm gonna i'm gonna hook up myself so sticky yeah and hook up myself you know into like headphones i'm gonna light some candles that's what people say i love to hook up myself into headphones yeah that's the the verbiage i'm thinking like i'm getting into like my jizz

matrix right like you jack into the matrix i'm jacking into jack off check in jack off yeah so like i'm i'm hooking in i'm walking in i'm i'm getting into my zone and i'm just gonna like crank her out and i'm i'm just gonna use up all my jerk time hours though like three hours have three hours i know you edit too much to have three hours right now i would maybe that's why you're so sad i would love three hours to just jerk off you know i would love three hours right now i would maybe that's why you're so sad i would love three hours to just jerk off you know i would love three hours to do anything we've stopped letting dane sleep actually he's on a strict regime of just editing i'm gonna leave this closet and go back to editing in fact every now and then when i'm talking he's editing yeah yeah yeah when you hear just

no i it's way too much clicking it sounds like i'm playing it sounds like i'm playing league of legends it's a funny joke though if you've ever seen someone play league of legends unless i'm very cool i've never seen that unless people don't play league of legends like my old roommate used to play league of legends in which case it was just this is here let me i've got a mouse right here it's definitely gonna fuck it yeah let me let me turn it off first. This is how I... I'm sure everyone is so hyped to hear that. That's great.

Maybe that's someone's kink now, and they're going to go jerk for three hours. Hey, is this ASMR? Is it? Is this ASMR? What if I do this? Oh, God. That's great. That's great audio. That's great podcasting.

Damn, we're fucking professionals. We've won two awards. Hey, if you count them all, we've won. We've won a lot, but not on this show. No, just two. Just two. Because we're too fucking cool for the man. Yeah.

We say fuck all the time. We say fuck. I talked about putting a pussy in a dick earlier. People aren't ready for that. People aren't ready for this. It's like that scene at the end of Back to the Future where they were like. Yeah. Not a new sound you've been looking for. It's just, you at the end of uh back to the future where they were like yeah it's not a new sound you've been looking for it's just you put the pussy in the dick

your kids are gonna love it but your grandchildren yeah uh what's the fuck were we talking about this guy's oh this guy's like dude you know what you want we can't help you with that the internet exists just don't do illegal shit i so my only thing is, I would say, and I saw some people suggest this. Save up for that foot flashlight. You could do that. Which is like the weirdest. Have you seen those? No.

So it's a foot. I was trying to figure out where it goes. The heel? Guess where it goes. The heel? The heel? Okay. Do you want to have a second guess?

Or in the ankle. Yes. Those are the only two places that- Imagine a foot and then an ankle and then the base of the ankle. Yes. Like those are the only two places. Imagine a foot and then an ankle and then like the base of the shin. And then if you're looking, if you cut off the leg and it's like the base of the shin, you're looking down. That's where it is,

which is really weird because like, I guess you can like still see the foot, still manipulate foot time. It was like, I love feet. I'm going to fuck where your bone should be. Now here's a new bone. Yeah.

It's my pee pee. Um, my, my only thing for you, my dude is, uh, Bone should be. Now here's a new bone. Yeah. It's my pee-pee. My only thing for you, my dude, is don't be gross with people who aren't participating. Yes. Right? Don't go on to women's Instagrams who are curled up in the couch with a coffee and their bare feet. And you're like, I don't want to suck those. That's not for you.

Hey, girl, I just did a three-hour session, so now I can think about things for the rest of the week just to your little piggies. Yeah. If people are just posting pictures and they happen to be bare feet at the beach, cuddled up on the couch, whatever. Yeah, that's stuff you keep to yourself. I'm not saying you can't, but...

Well, I'm not because I know you won't listen, but what you can't do is communicate that fact to them. I'm not saying you can't, but... Well, I'm not because I know you won't listen. But what you can't do is communicate that fact to them. Or be weird about it. You can be a silent admirer from a long, long internet way away. And then keep that with yourself. That is my only sort of like,

don't do that. Don't bring people into your fetish or into your sexual deviancy that have no desire to be a part of it. So our upcoming Patreon episode deals with first dates and I want to read this question and by upcoming, it might already be out cause we don't know how time works. Um,

I want to read this question during it and I totally forgot. Okay, so let's do it now. And I think it'll, it'll fit nicely because the Patreon will be out roughly now-ish. Yeah, around here. And it's great. It's fun. We already did a deep dive into getting Raoul going

out on a night out and like pulling for lack of a better word. And this is, if that goes well, or if online dating goes well and you want to go on a first date, we give an exhaustive guide, extensive guide on how to do it. But this is one I want to bring this is by brains for breakfast 69 girl invited me over to help her weed her garden as a date basically

the title haha we matched on tinder she's extremely pretty and we have a lot in common and i'm really interested in her she has some pictures of her gardening in her profile and i was asking her questions so it didn't come out of nowhere conversation was going really well so i asked if she wanted to get to know each other in person. She said, yeah. And I asked her if I wanted to come over and help her weed her garden. I said, haha, as a first date. And she responded saying, yeah, it's a relaxing activity to talk and get to know someone. And she could really use some help because we've had a lot of rain lately. I honestly don't care what the first date is until my weeding would happily do whatever to get a chance to spend some time with her. But I'm wondering if it's a red flag that

she's asking me to help her with a chore as a first date. She's 24. I'm 25. I get it. I get the hesitancy of being like, oh, is this just your plan? Is your next move to being like, oh, sorry, I would love to meet up with you, but I'm cleaning out my attic. You're welcome

to come over and help me. You're like, oh, I'm mounting my TV this week. If you get that plow and plow field 36 for me uh so like i understand your hesitancy however i think she is correct in the sense that like this could be a fun first date i think it's kind of cute as hell like all i think you have to do i think you have to make you need to take a little bit of initiative and be like great you're gonna bring like sippy cups so that you're not getting dirt and grass and shit in in your cups so like bring something to like put a drink of some wine a cooler a seltzer a beer whatever whatever your

speed is um and i think you need to like it's your job to turn this rather mundane kind of grueling activity uh into a fun event i think it's not mundane and grueling really i think it'll be fun well i mean like i guess how much land she got and she got a lot of meetings a mundane thing weeding isn't a i mean like i think it'll be fine like we no one has fucking gardens these days anymore we're all poor we're all dying the world is so bad um so i'm sure it's a small patch. I think it'll be fun. I think like the act of it being a date and you getting to know each other will make it not growing. In my opinion, the danger is what you're saying. Like if the next date is help me move my couch. And then the next day it is like, you know, the first one's fine. Cause this is kind of cute. I think it's interesting. I think it'll be fun.

And you're at her place and you're going to get and you said like oh i would do anything to yeah so then like okay great this is anything take yes take the shot and if and if you get the vibe like if you go there and she's like oh i just gotta go jump on a phone call real quick yeah can you just read this card and you're reading it by yourself then like fuck off you know what i mean like then just be like you're like oh i'll wait for you like yeah and, just like, don't get taken advantage of. Yeah. Probably isn't that, but if they're being weird,

if they're making you do all the work or if the next date is also a chore, you, you understand what's happening and you bail, right? Yeah. I don't think the first one's an issue. I think it becoming an ongoing pattern and you continuing to do it. That's the issue.

Yeah. Yeah. And then, like I said, I think you should, I think you should take steps and have plans to do things within this, this gardening. Yes.

So like bring a cool drink, bring, bring something to take out at some point. Yeah. Offer to, or like make a little picnic and be like, yeah, you know what I mean?

Like, okay, let's take a quick break. And like, Oh, like I think that would be impressive for me. If someone was like, Oh,

you've thought of this as a simple task that you've also now turned into a have made quite romantic, have made quite cute, have made quite a you like this will be memorable. Right. And I think it's kind of your job to to do that. I think it's I think if you bring that energy and that sort of like that move, I think you're fucking golden. Like, I, I cannot imagine. Yeah. Like, don't show up with like a fucking like limo way and yeah you know and also maybe just float the idea first like oh i can make us food like i can do a bit you know just so that you don't put in this effort show up and they're like i just ate or she's like i'm vegan yeah right like there's always like

there's things you need to like think but like think that pitching an idea and being like, okay, great. We'll do that. And then if you want, I'll make some boozy lemonade. And I'll make a little picnic. And when we need a little break, we'll have a little picnic and get to know each other over drinks and stuff. And that makes it more fun for you. It makes it more special for them. And it ties the whole thing together.

And I think it could be really cool. And it sets the that like it's this isn't just weeding yes right like weeding is a rather unsexy act so like brit says you but i do also like dirty bud get have a sexy okay i'm sorry you've all seen the movies like they're painting and oh oh a little paint on the nose that's not dirt get dirt and smear it on their face. Right? Like it's going to be so adorable. A little dirt fight, a little weed fight.

Yeah. You fucking stuff a weed in their mouth, make her eat it. Blow those, like blow the dandelion, like balls into her face. I mean, like you all,

you are also in the position that like, you're going to be outside and working. If you're, if you're confident in your body and you want to show, have your T-shirt on or whatever. Have your pump cover on. Yeah. Right? And then be like, who's hot?

Just take that off. Oh. And then smear dirt on it. There's a lot of opportunity here. Put your toes in the dirt. See if she has a foot fetish. Yeah. And if not.

Hobbit feet, man. Take a picture. Make it a free only. Send it to she has a foot fetish. Yeah. And if not. Hobbit feet, man. Take a picture. Make it a free OnlyFans account for this man. He needs help. Yeah. This is. Pump cover 12. Christian Louboutin.

Wait, hold on. The? The? I don't think so, but who knows? I, a 24-year-old female, feel weird about my boobs in sexual situations. For starters, I'm not insecure about the size of my boobs in general. I'm a 38G, and for size, I think they look nice. However, even though some may be surprised,

I don't really feel attractive with them in sexual scenarios, and I don't want them exposed. In other words, I feel like it doesn't make me more sexually attractive. Part of the reason is because i always run into men who literally aren't into boobs at all i'm mostly asked for these boys nothing is wrong with that but i'm like dang i wish someone would find and appreciate these heavy things and as a person who likes breast play a lot of people that i've met so far didn't want to do it for so long so it's obvious they aren't into it it's also very weird for me to be in front facing

positions as it's riding because it does way too much jumping and that feels weird because obviously the men i've been with weren't into that so now i'm insecure about them being seen and isn't fond of having sex with the lights on hell so like an ass man doesn't just like ass it's there's a lot here that i think is being misconstrued or projected on. Because I would have a hard time believing that if a man finds you attractive and you have 38G boobs, that that hasn't contributed to his appeal. Say you like them and they're good and all that. Chances are that man is like them titties. Maybe he's just sitting there and admiring like and also for me if someone has an incredible butt or incredible boobs i think it's

nice to spread the love yeah and appreciate so that they don't just feel because i'm sure 90% of the people that they've been with have been like your tits are huge i love your tits yeah it's like what about the rest of me yeah and it and it's like, I think it's nice to like, every now and then, if you hook up with someone who's particularly busty, that you'd be like, you got great ass. Yeah, for sure. Because I'm sure they don't hear that often, because I'm sure they only hear the one side of things. Just because there's a star of the show

doesn't mean there's not a whole supporting cast. Yes. Like, some of which... Best supporting actor's still a great fucking prize. And usually more entertaining. Usually more entertaining. Than the lead. Right? I don't know if that's a good body message, but Yeah, no. Yeah, so

I would love to know how much of this is assumed. Because I'm thinking a lot of it. I'm thinking there's a lot of assumptions going on without hard facts. One, if you're an ass guy, anyone I've met, it's not like I just like ass. Ass is my favorite you know what i mean yeah and and like no one i know is like i hate titties i fucking hate tits

just but and also i i cannot believe that a person who's like i'm not into boobs you know who i'm gonna date someone with huge someone with ginormous boobs yeah it doesn't make any sense like that's not what's happening yes do you ask people to play with your tits in whatever way you want? That's another great point. Because it seems like they did a bit and then they didn't. And you assumed they didn't want to and you want to, but didn't tell them. And that was, that's the thing. It's like, for me, I love playing with boobs.

I like sucking them, playing with them. But like, I think there may be a, I think, I think it's a two prong or like two potential situations here. One, because of the size of them, I think I would be, I wouldn't want to almost like fetishize them. So I wouldn't want to like really. It's kind of like complimenting the ass when you've got these great boobs. Like again, if your whole thing is that, it feels like you're reducing them to just one thing, right? And if that's the only thing i'm paying attention to yes right like if i'm just playing with your boobs and i'm not you know teasing you or fingering you or going down on you or whatever i would be like okay it's going to

come across that like the only reason that i'm with you is i'm with you is to just like play like single focus like you know blinders on and it's just like it's titty time and if that is like you said it's the thing you it's titty time. And if that is, like you said, it's the thing you need to communicate and you need to communicate what you want and how you want it. Right. If I want just nipple play, if you want like rubbing or sucking or like be specific, no, one's going to be bummed. If someone's like, Hey, do this thing. They're like, cool. That's one thing I don't have to worry about because you're telling me what you want it and how you want. And it's hard to know how much of something it's like are you moan like what what is your like verbal and physical uh you know sort of uh outward displays of appreciating like are you so insecure that when people are playing with them or or are

you like because you're like oh i don't like showing them so if they're not exposed then people might say oh okay you've got big boobs and i because I know I've dated people and I know people who have particularly large breasts like to keep a bra on because it's during sex. They're all over the place. They hurt. They're bouncing. So it's like a lot of guys everywhere. Yeah. A lot of people I know are like, I like to wear a very sort of supportive bra during sex because one, they make my tits look great and I'm more comfortable and confident with

them. And two, it's so distracting when they're just like fucking flying all over the place. And it's like, I'm glad you told me that I won't take your bra off next time. Right? Like I,

you have to, you have to let me know this. Otherwise I'm going to be like, I want you naked because I want to see you naked. I want to see them titties. So it's like, if you, if you're so insecure, as you mentioned, it's like, are you recoiling? Are you like making a face or do you get like weird when someone's playing with your tits? Yeah. Even if you like it, if what you're presenting comes across as dislike, a good partner is going to be like, okay, they don't want that.

Going to back off. You're not feeling it. You're not into it. So I think you need to, you need to do a couple of things. Communicate communicate when you have a partner and you like having your tits worshipped and you like having your tits praised and you like having your tits played with explain that to them be like hey and even if you want to tell them even if you're like hey i'm a little insecure about the size of my boobs they during sexual situations i'm i'm super aware of them uh but here are the things i like yeah me too i'm so aware of them uh but here are the things that i like yeah me too i'm so aware of them very aware of them still yeah like and be like these are things i like as now said like be specific yes do you want to like just focus i like i like tit play yeah

like that's do you like pinching do you like sucking do you like biting do you like rubbing do you like just squeezing do you like no nipple play and it's just all about the boo yeah do you want them jiggled around i don't know i'm gonna slap them like you need to tell people yeah and if they get weird about that that's not something you want to sleep with so there's no downside here the the two roots are you weed someone out or you get good loving yeah and that's really the best case scenario in a sexual situation you either know that you don't want to sleep with them again or you are satisfied. Exactly.

And on top of that, like stop making assumptions, right? Like if someone played with your boobs a little bit and then stopped, don't just be like, Oh, they hate my boobs. They hate it. Or they don't like,

they don't like doing that. They don't like me. They don't like my boobs. It's no communicate. Don't make assumptions. Cause you're obviously filtering all this through insecurity. And that's always going to be the worst option, which probably won't be the real,

you know, scenario. Yeah. So I've, I've been with women who have like will be doing foreplay stuff and like i'll go down on them and then like they'll be like your turn or whatever and or like i'll lie down and like they'll give me head for like 30 seconds and then they're just like on top of me and i'm like sure would i have loved for a little longer no or yes but like i, I'm going to assume it's like that you're so turned on that you just need to fuck. Right. So like,

it would be very easy for me like, Oh, she hated my dick. It doesn't taste good. It's whatever. Barely could do 30 seconds. It's just, I guess she hates giving head.

It's like, no, like situations and context matter. Like, and like if it, if it's a persistent, like if it's a, if it's a constant, if it's a pattern, if you never get like oral and you want it, you, and like if it, if it's a persistent, like if it's a, if it's a constant,

if it's a pattern, never get like oral and you want it, you could be like, Hey, I've noticed like 30 seconds. Like I'm starting to really enjoy it. And then you just stop like this kind of a bummer. And then if for some reason they do have a thing or whatever,

you, you work it out. You don't just assume she went just like, Oh, you were hard and I was horny. So yes, it's like, you know,

you made me come like three times with your mouth and yeah, I just needed something inside me. It could have been that their ex that's all they needed or their ex didn't like going too far because then they wouldn't last or whatever. There's so much shit going on under the surface. Their ex might not have liked tit play. You know what I mean? Because you've never said

anything, they go, oh, this person's in the same boat. So fucking communicate. Don't take people saying they're an ass man or whatever to heart i don't know that's weird also you i just i like you must know that they like your boobs because if if someone was so repulsed by boobs or didn't like boobs or wouldn't date big boob person they wouldn't date someone which again is reducing you to big boob person which we're trying not to do in this conversation. Yeah. You're fine.

You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. Just- If you're uncomfortable with them moving during sex, you can wear a bra. Yes. You can wear various types of bras. Some are pretty revealing, so you pretty much have your tits out anyway, right?

There are ways to do this. Communicate. You're good. Yeah. You're good. I believe in you. This one is a fun one and that fun one comes to us from batman comics 123 a girl told me i look like thursday that's a good response i'm scared of

sounding awkward it's on tinder for your information and i already kind of like this girl in real life i'm panicking at the thought of saying something cringe what can i respond with i seriously got zero riz i feel like i always end up sounding so awkward. What do I say? I want to learn. I thought of saying something like, elaborate, please. Because I don't get her message.

Help me. I'm a big noob. It would mean a lot. Thank you in advance. She said he looks like Thursday? I don't know what that means. I think it could be like, you look like Thursday as in Thursday's plans.

You know what I mean? You look like Thursday is in Thursday's plans. You know what I mean? You look like Thursday. Great. Where should I, when should I pick you up? You know what I mean? I feel like that's a pretty good, a pretty good way to go about it.

Or you say that's the third best day of the week. Great. That's pretty high up. I, yeah, I mean like, I get it, dude.

I also like, if someone sent that to me, I'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? But my response would be, you look like Friday morning. Exactly. Right.

You, you gotta play. That's where I would go with that and just be like, I'd be like, do you want to lock it in then? You know what I mean? Like you can play with this in any way you want. Be like,

Oh, take it literally and be like, yeah, Thursday's a pretty good day. Thanks. I'll take that as a compliment. I think you look like, and you could go really compliment like Saturday,

or you can be weird and be like, you look like Tuesdays. You're like, well, why Tuesday? And then you say, Tuesday is my favorite day because I do X,

Y, and Z. And like, I have a little fun with it. You look like Wednesday hump day. Damn humps. Right. Like,

I don't know. This is, it's a bad message to send. It doesn't make any fucking sense. I also don't think there's any harm with being like, what the fuck does that mean? Like that's honestly like knee jerk reaction would probably be my like, the fuck does that mean?

And I think that's like, to me, that's fucking funny. If, if someone says weird shit to me, like just being like, I don't get it. Like is bad.

But if you're just like, the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. I think like add a little laughing emoji and just for, you know, you don't want to come off aggressive or dumb, but if you're just like, what do you, what do you mean? What does that mean? And then laughing emoji and just for, you know, you don't want to come off aggressive or dumb, but if you're just like, what do you,

what do you mean? What does that mean? And then laughing emoji. Or you could even be like, are you saying you want to go out Thursday? Like laughing emoji. You know what I mean? Like that's fine.

And if they get weird, then this isn't the person you want to date, but like play with the space. You know what I mean? Either have fun back. Rizzle little. Just like elaborate, please.

It's boring, right? Yeah, you're not a fucking professor. Yeah. Could you expound upon that hypothesis? I'm going to need to extrapolate the data in order to figure out what you mean. What the fuck are you doing? Just have fun.

Well, your thesis statement is somewhat unclarified. I was wondering if you could boil it down into a more robust set of points like you have two options when these things happen either try to like play along with the joke whatever it is and if you don't get it then like maybe shoot a shot a shot like being like oh thursday great day so thank you compliment boom that's fine you know what i mean if she means something else she'll be like no i mean great that's fine you you made a funny or being like you know there's so many ways you can do it but like if you misconstrue what she says but say something funny that's fine yeah hopefully she will either be like wait what are you talking about and you can like meet in the middle and

like explain yeah and then you just say what do you mean and then like if if they're just a person that talks like look so i met a lot of fucking women on tinder who will just say things just words that they think go together. And you're like, what are you talking about? And they'd be like, LOL. And then like,

you never hear from them again. That might be the case. Like this might just be a person who was high as fuck or drunk or, or autocorrect. Yeah. Right. Like maybe they're saying you look like Thor. Are you buff as fuck?

Or do you have a giant dad belly? Or do you have dad belly? belly? Or do you have... Dad belly is not the word. Dad bod? Dad bod, beer belly. I kind of got lost in the middle. Constantly carrying a hammer around? Yeah, yeah. I will say, this one's a pretty good one from the comments. You look like Wednesday. I come after you.

Nice. There you go. That's good. Make it sexy, have a little fun with it. You don't have to be weird. You don't have to be. Well, you can. You can be. That's a choice. I think it's a bad choice.

Unless it's good weird. Yeah. I mean, it's gotta be good weird. I have another one I can hit you with quick. Yeah, please, please, please, please. This is by Pay Impossible 6912. Avoiding eye contact all of a sudden after intense stare game for four months. Oh no.

This woman in my office, she always had eyes on me wherever I went. We held eyes for four or five seconds for no reason, woman in my office, she always had eyes on me wherever I went. We held eyes for four or five seconds for no reason, smiled at each other, greeted, et cetera, every day. Kent and I enjoyed the attention with truly no intention to push it further, even though I liked her, which I didn't even try for four whole months and probably never will. I realized I worked too hard for my career to sabotage it. Also been a shy guy all my life i just want to understand since few days she would look at me the same but when our eyes meet she quickly turns away sometimes bumping into things or acting fidgety other times she wouldn't just look at me no matter how close i am to her

what changed still after all this she tries to find the spot and sits next to me again fleeting glances when i catch her eyes and she turns away animately. Like this is, it's so heartbreaking when we get questions like this, because I'm like, you've turned what could have potentially sounds like a little bit of flirty office glances, right? Like having that, having that across her, but

like it's gotten, it went so sinister so fast. So weird. It got so weird. You, you glared at a woman for four months actively knowing you never wanted anything with this person and also not interacting with them and then you were like they said they hey say hello and like greeting each other so it's like i like i don't know what the office situation like well they said didn't even try and probably never will i'm not a shy guy so i'm assuming like what i mean with interactions is like is like you've never had a conversation you're like oh hey but it's like they also sit next to you as

well or sit near you i guess at lunch after all this she finds a spot and sits next to me fleeting glances yeah i mean also can we just point she won't look at me i wonder how close i get to her i mean that why are you getting how close are you getting close are you getting i would also be averting my eyes yeah i would like shuffling there was a man just slowly encroaching in my personal like jamaica sliding yeah i would also just be like uh and like look i love a good you know calling someone's bluff like if you catch someone's eyes and like just keeping that eye contact and giving them a fun smile i love that i think it throws people off and I think it's a great For four months? But for five seconds?

That's too long. That's too long. Five seconds for four months? Yeah. I mean, there's a lot here. She's also doing weird shit. She's also doing things that don't make sense. The fact that it lasted this long is wild. You know what I mean? If it was like, oh, we had a few days of like, hmm, and then it never went anywhere.

Sure, yeah. But like, you can't expect this to have kept going when you one will not but it's but it is still going though it's not she didn't barely look at him but it's like he she's not reciprocating the look when he looks it seems like he it still says she's like like looking at him probably in fear yeah making sure he's not getting close to her. But I don't know. It seems weird. If we take everything at face value of being like, if someone was making me uncomfortable, I wouldn't sit next to them. Maybe just keep your enemies close.

Enemies close. This person is so strange that I don't believe that they're giving us a reliable... They're not a reliable narrative. But he's so strange that he's giving us bad things about him. he doesn't think they are which means he's so strange but which means so in my opinion it makes him a reliable narrator because he doesn't know what he's doing is crazy if he was unreliable he would have left out the like i get real close to no but the thing is he doesn't realize that what he's doing is creepy but he doesn't realize what she's doing is normal

so for example it's near to me. I'll bet you it's like at lunch and they have a small office or something, right? Or like they have desks next to each other and he's like, I knew it, you kinky bitch. You can't stay away from me, you whore. Yeah, I don't know.

Even if you like the attention, it will not last forever. If you do not, or will not last. If you do not give back at some point, your lack of engagement is going to be like, okay, he doesn't want to be involved with me, which you don't. Cause you say this. Yeah.

So what are you looking for? Are you looking for someone to just kind of like, I fuck you forever. It does sound nice. It does sound nice. If I was in an office, I think that would be the best part of my day. I don't think so. I think you'd hate it eventually. Pretty quickly.

I guess it depends on who's doing anything. If you just had some rando in the corner, like every day, I think that would get weird. Maybe. Especially if you didn't want to and had no plans of doing it. My views of what an office is,

is very skew because I've never worked in an office. I've worked in an office. So I... It's generally very old people who are boomers as i've recently learned perhaps i might be into older women that's so but you you're into like retirement home women yeah yeah yeah this makes sense but i'm not gonna explain it yeah we're not gonna explain that at all that's for us that's for us that one's for us

um so i don't know what you're looking for here bud but maybe stop creeping out your fucking co-workers yeah shit or get off the pot and or just don't stare at people just like like there's no need like you're also shooting fleeting glances at her as well because presumably once you like look at her you're not just staring at her after she i mean i guess he is watching what she's doing um i mean i think you've gotten to the point like if this is a crush i think you've gotten to the point where she's so confused as to like what she should be doing she's just giving up but she's still she's still looking everybody looks at everybody else at work at like there's nothing else to look at especially if that person is dead eyeing you across the room and creeping up on you then i wouldn't look at that person i

wouldn't i wouldn't constantly shooting glances at a person i didn't want to be looking at me listen i work in a bar filled with crazy people if i don't want to serve that person i'm not looking at him yes because the second you look at him you've made you've made a terrible mistake that man is coming over if you're worried about what they're doing every now and then you're gonna cast a little quick eye to be like, okay, is he going for those tip tips in the corner? No, he's not. Okay. Wait, is he approaching that table? You're always going to be like, wait, what's he doing?

Just, you have to. You know it. You know it's true. I don't know. If there's a guy at the bar and I know he's looking at me, I do not look at him. Okay, but imagine if that guy was in the bar every day. They are. The same guy every day. They are. They same guy every day. They are. They're always there.

You would look at them. Don't fuck with me. No, I would avoid eye contact. You're a liar. I'm very good at it. You're a liar. I put people in the negative zone. That's what I call it. So back to Ben 10, huh?

I'm going to hit you with some quick. It's that time of the day. It is dating profile reviews. And we got a few. And yeah, it's's gonna be great uh this is a hinge prompt what if i told you that i have a car in new york city and i'm better at parallel parking than anyone who's ever tried to unnecessarily help me parallel park hell yeah i i would like this if it's a lady i would hate it if it's a dude that's that's very true that's very true i

will say that i think if it's a woman she's being like fuck off yeah i'm trying to mansplain parallel parking i think if it's a dude it's i'm just like it's kind of a nothing it's kind of like a okay cool dude i'm like if someone's trying to help you you're probably doing something wrong let's be fair right i don't think people are just stopping to be like well you know and two it's like why this of all things why this you really are you've that much of a chip or a trauma on your shoulder about your car like i think i think we're missing a little cultural yeah i think we're missing references that new york people are fucking bad drivers yes um so i think i think there's a little bit of that like i understand there's there's sort of

like a new york meta and i've seen it from like the uh like overheard on mta instagram and stuff where like people will there's like there's almost like a sense of humor that only exists within new york city based on new york city things so like i i'm not gonna be too concerned about the the content i think it really does come down to if it's a lady, I think I'm like, okay, I'll give you more of a pass. Yes. It's going to be a five for me, though. I think it's a four if you're a guy, a six if you're a girl. Yeah.

In general, I'm not excited by your car. Together, this is also Hinge. Together, we could recreate Shrek. I'm Shrek. You're Fiona. We could adopt donkeys. Dude, I'm down. I fucking, my favorite animal is a donkey. It's pretty cute. It'm Shrek. You're Fiona. We could adopt donkeys. Dude, I'm down. I fucking... My favorite

animal is a donkey. It's pretty cute. It's pretty cute. So if you ever... If anyone's listening and they want to just send me pictures of donkeys, if you have a donkey, I fucking love donkeys. I think they're so fucking funny. Have you seen... Again, I'm pretty sure it's all fake of like the Shrek book. Oh, yeah.

It's like, God, the sun hates Shrek. Yeah. And he like shoots a cloud. Yeah. Yeah. Very good. I'm going to give it an eight. Yeah. There's the fear that you're too into Shrek.

Yeah. I know some people say that's not possible. You can be. You can be. I know. We just lost average fucking. Yeah. The last person listening to the show just closed the app.

This is blank, but his picture is him leaning against a Jeep. Looking for short term, open to long. About me, successful, funny, good looking, rich, charismatic, punctual, sober, hardworking, efficient, and a decent human being. I am none of these things. Went to school at the University of Hard Knocks.

Damn. My dream job is none. Who the fuck dreams of having a job? Life's too short to indulge in small talks. If I had 20 minutes left to live, I would roll a joint, go for a drive. Hell yeah. What a cool guy. That's what you learn at the School of Hard Knocks, bud. I was already like, that first list, I was like, these suck.

These are boring. Then he flipped on his head, bud. Then he flipped it. He flipped it down and reversed it. Yeah. You fucking don't, you can't even catch up with blank 32 yeah uh this sucks this is a bad one whoa what are you talking about it would i was like the thing for me i always want to see the people who match because like i know he's probably getting a few matches and depending on how he looks maybe a lot of

matches and i would love to like see the thought process like i'd like to see i would i would want to go and be like, show me your work. Yeah. Like what, what path did you take? Like I know what answer you got, but I want to know how you got to that answer.

I want to see how you, hopefully a self-respecting woman or man, whoever. Probably not. If they've read that profile. And like, how did you, how did you do the mental gymnastics to be like,

this is a good idea. This one. I was just wanting to be in their head when they're like, roll a joint, go for a drive. Honestly, that's probably the best part of that whole profile. No, no, actually the best part is who the fuck dreams of having a job because yeah, bud. Because also, yeah. Yeah, bud.

Honestly, that actually won me back. Well, no, because I would there are jobs that I would like to do. I do understand where they're coming from. Fuck capitalism. So, yeah, I get it. I get it. Yeah. I get it.

Oh man, are we turning around on this guy? Because right now that's like half his profile that we've just agreed with. And he did flip your expectations, which is good comedy. That is very good. I love a subversion of expectations. I can't remember what the fourth one was. It was him entering into our hearts. Damn.

10 out of 10. 10 out of 10. That's going to do it for this show, friends. We are all done for this week. We love you, and thank you very much for listening. If you want to support the show, head on over to patreon.com slash fbuddies, or you can go to fbuddiespodcast.com and click the

Patreon link. As Nella mentioned, we're doing a new series instead of another episode of what we usually mentioned, we're doing a new series instead of sort of like another episode of what we usually do. We're doing sort of like a monthly deep dive into a single topic. So the first one was about getting ready and going out with your friends and sort of like, one of the big questions

is like, how do I meet people? That's kind of what that first one was. On a night out, how do you like pick up? How do you flirt? How do you find someone on a night out at a bar or a club with your friends? And we actually had a really good response to it, which was great. Yeah. Because if not, that would suck.

And the one that's coming out this month is a first date. It's sort of like preparations of first dates, expectations of first dates. Where to go, where not to go, how to act, what to ask, what not to ask. Like, it's pretty good, in my opinion. Weird pitch if you're like, it actually sucks ask. It's pretty good, in my opinion. Weird pitch if you're like, it actually sucks shit. I can say your part was good because I don't

scandal game. So, hey, Dan, you killed your half of that. I did a great job, yeah. And yeah, we did it. Subverting expectations. I'm just like blank sitting on a Jeep. Thank you, Josh Eagle, and I hope it suits your song.

Paper stars. Thanks, Josh. Thank you, Josh. I once tagged you on Twitter thinking you'd be like, hell yeah, I'm a podcast intro. And you never fucking did anything with that. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't use Twitter. Yeah, maybe. Are you ready for some bad sex writing?

This is the blurb of a book that Agent Frogbox sent us. He's got the juice. Liz has always had the worst luck with love. She can't help but falling for bad boys, but they're never willing to make her a priority. Being stood up at the annual fall corn maze is the last strike against her latest on-again-off-again

dude bro. The farm is filled with happy couples, but Liz is ready to head home and concede her losses over a cup of spiked cider, it figures. The mysterious man hiding in the corn maze has an entirely different plan. He has eyes for Liz and isn't willing to let her go so easily. He's nothing like the guys Liz is used to dating, and she can't get him off of her mind. He makes a fast and hot first move, and when he starts talking commitment, it makes Liz's head spin. Is she ready to give up everything she's ever known for the sake of true love and desire?

Liz can't help wondering if she's found her produce prints or if this is just another bad apple in her bushel. And yes, this man is made of corn. I was going to think it was like a scarecrow or something. He's made of corn. He's a corn man. And this is the book corn daddy.

Oh, I love that. At first, when I thought you said Lizzo. And with the first sentence of being like, he's got the juice, I thought it was just going to be a bunch of Lizzo puns. I wish. You were just waiting. Yeah.

It sucks. Yeah, I was like, where's the truth hurts? It would be so easy to write a Lizzo themed romance book. A corn shaped man the size of a man would hurt. It would. Ripped for your pleasure, though. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne.

And we've been your fuck buddies.