F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 299 - Intimate Evenings: Dry Kongs (Pride Special w/ Trevor Campbell Live @ Black Sheep)

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

We celebrate Pride month at Black Sheep with the incredibly funny Trevor Campbell, host of You Made Me Queer! Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies Find Trevor here: https://www.trevorcampbell.ca/ymmq/

I put my trust in you, and I trust in our love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I trust in our love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I'm Niall Spain And we're your fuck buddies And Dane is off mic

Fixing mic issues We're a sex and dating advice podcast Where we take your sticky sexy situations And turn them into sexy sticky situations Simply put, we are a sex and dating advice show We find questions either online Roaming the wilds or from our wonderful listeners Including yourselves

You will see on your table a little questionnaire card uh or question card feel free to add in some questions my printer did up so there are no lines and there's no prompt just a QR code but if you scan that QR code you can find our Instagram if you tag us on black sheep you'll be entered into a shot competition and you might win some shots in the third act so we're just embracing your creativity yeah i just i thought i'd go abstract uh we don't need lines to hold us in yeah that's true that's true i'm also joined by a very special guest we have an incredible and exciting guest uh trevor campbell hello thank you for being here thank

you so much for having me if i don't have lines lines on paper, I can't write, like, full stop. Like, at all? Like, you just panic and just shut down? I could just go any direction, yeah. It's just nice to have a bit of a guide, some bumpers. Fair. It's funny, because we, I don't know what it says about our audience, but most of the time, we either get deranged drawings, or people just do not, like, they draw around the lines.

So, I don't think it'll be a stumbling block for most we'll see okay fingers crossed everyone yeah we might just get absolutely like Mothman prophecy style like just scribblings of of chaos Trevor before we get going can you explain who you are and what you do and why you're here those are all very good questions I'm here because you asked me to be here first of all and I do not like your tone. Second of all my name is Trevor Campbell I have a podcast called You Made Me Queer on the Sonar Network. I invite 2SLGBTQIA plus people to blame what made them queer because we know no one is born

queer. Something guided us there maybe guided one of you there so that's what we do and we're very angry about it i like that you described the podcast as accusatory yes i always found that that tickled me every time and it made me want to accuse more people things so i recommend it being accusatory is kind of my brand so oh that's hey for an advice podcast, real good. Yeah. An excellent place to start.

We also have some pretty cool things going on today. So we, if you haven't noticed our little fishbowl and our QR codes, we got one right there. We got one at the bar.

We are raising funds for Glad Day Bookshop, which is currently in trouble. It's the oldest queer bookshop in the world. The world. Phenomenal. And we can't let it die, and we're not going to.

So if you have cash that you want to get rid of, you can put it in this here fishbowl. I hope it's under there. I can't really see where it is. It's there. If I'm pointing away, then just pretend. Or you can scan a QR code, and we're going to be matching the first $250 of donations. And we've already got a good few which is wild so oh oh there's a hero right here thank you let's go you can clap for that yeah you

know what that fucking should that's good podcast content we need noise uh and i think i think that'll that'll be enough to get us into the show right now right yeah i think so let's fucking go i'm gonna i'm gonna start us off with this one uh this is by bear malls i 31 year old male just found out my partner 29 year old female went viral for something in 2020 but she won't tell me why should i try to find out so some mutual friends of ours found out we were dating these people have known her longer than me so i started asking about what she was like they didn't say much but they did let slip she went viral for something back in 2020 but they wouldn't say what it was I've always known she was a bit wild but it's always been a small story here and there I did ask her and she seemed she didn't seem too happy I was aware of this and then refused to tell me what happened said it was her fault and

it was bad so i told her if she doesn't want me to know i won't ask problem is i do want to know i want to know so badly what do i do i could definitely find out and i feel like maybe it might be something i should know but then she doesn't want me to know and she definitely went out of her way to hide it from me should i just leave it alone it's funny because at the start when you were like oh it's 2020 i was like yeah everyone was going viral for everything in 2020 because we weren't doing anything so like it could be harmless tiktok like all she had to do was like do a dance and like that could have gone to like viral like

there was a dog who was literally being lifted up and whether or not he fell down was big content in 2020 but i think they've cared oh i know that's good for dogs yeah he did dog flop the dog did die but i think the writer has characterized that it was a bad thing that they have yes yeah that was it was like oh no it's bad so like that was that's where the question shifted for me from i was like it could be anything because like yeah if it was vague like oh they went viral i don't know what it is that's one thing but her being like it could be anything because like yeah if it was vague like oh they went viral i don't know what it is that's one thing but her being like it's bad it's my fault i don't want you to know that's the my fault part is is really what makes this delicious at least at least she knows i because i like i think if someone was like oh yeah i went viral it was stupid i'd be

like yeah i don't care but the second you say it was my fault and it's bad i don't care about bad i what i care about the fact that it was your fault like you did it that to me is more do we think he's dating gal gadot and it was that fucking song oh they was that when they all sang imagine in that mansion oh my god like does he not know who gal gadot is he's like it wasn't my fault and it was bad yeah i which well but if you're dating gal gadot there's some things you look past yeah if i was dating gal gadot you could do whatever you want i don't know that song was pretty bad. Well, I would say, okay, because I'm trying to think if this was me, and what I would do is, and it's not. Or imagine.

What should I do? But I think the thing is, if you want your partner to watch it, just tell them what it is. Do some damage control, because if you just say Fallout, you can't watch it, and I'm not going to tell you. Nothing is going to make a person want to watch it more.

Literally, there's no way you could. You could like oh i'll give you a thousand dollars if you watch it i still want to watch it more if you tell me not to yeah so well that's what i would do but it's also a pandora's box right we're like if you know what it is but also what how viral that's right that's mine can't be too viral if you don't know But hey There is a lot On the internet That I have no Like it took me a while To figure out

What the Hawk Tua Thing was all about I still don't really know It's Do we know Does everyone know Hawk Tua Do we know Hawk Tua Everyone know

Yeah I assume it's about Spitting on a dick It was a very Charming Southern woman Who Was asked a series

Of questions I honestly I think she'd be a great guest uh really i don't know um but she she was asked like what her like signature sex move or like what what a move that like no man could resist and she she she was just like you got to give it the old hockua and spit on that thing. But with an enthusiasm that you don't see in people often. Is that a signal? That's not exactly a rare move. Right.

She didn't break the mold there. Sorry. It wasn't a signal. It was like, what was your move that everyone loses their mind over? And it's that move. Maybe they do it different in the South. Well, I think that's a perfect example that there's enough viral things that if you just wait a little bit of time, the avalanche will continue to come.

And so I'm sure no one remembers the thing that she did. Yeah. But she is kind of making it a big deal again. So I'm getting the sense she, I don't know likes maybe likes the attention maybe she wants him to go look because she won't say what it is maybe alternatively was she the hawk to a person is that what we're getting at was she a time traveling hawk to uh yeah it would be a weird flex it's like oh it's so bad don't look wink but it's like her being super hot somewhere yeah or maybe she cut the brake lines to a bus. That's right. It could be very bad.

And she's like, oh, it's my fault. Well, it's 2020. So is it an anti-mask thing? That's right. Like, did she get kicked off a flight for not masking? Was she the person who was like, I don't know about all of you, but that motherfucker is not real. Hey, here's another thing.

Did she eat a bat? Because maybe, maybe she ate a bat somewhere. Wasn't it a pangolin? It was actually a pangolin, and you're perpetuating bad conspiracy theories right now? I shouldn't be bad-mouthing bats. But maybe she started COVID, and that's what I'm saying. I get it now. How thousand-yard stare was she when she's like how like how thousand yards stare was she

was like it was my fault yeah it was all my fault how long have they been dating again did it say i don't believe it says so because that to me is a factor too what but they weren't dating when she went viral no which was 2020 yes so like three years maximum yeah but like right the friends okay look let's be fair you need to know you can't not know because you don't want to be like imagine you bring them home to your parents and they're like oh and it's bad if your parents have seen that that's bad viral i recognize you where do i know you from oh you're the one who cut the bus brake lines yeah yeah i saw you on the news um it's yeah i mean like you gotta ask the friends i think there's there's two things here that like is the problem or like could solve the problem one

your friends if it was bad your friends should tell you right like if i started dating someone and you were both privy to the fact that they had i don't know like killed someone should we tell them surprise happy pride oh no i think it should be at least like a genre thing where it's like what's the is this like a racism thing is this like a violence thing where is it just like i don't like something ballpark yeah you need to give me the like the box that i'm going to put this in i think literally meld those two together make a bunch of boxes and write like racism homophobia like violence yeah like shoe boxes just no like ticking boxes okay and get them to take paper okay yeah and it's like maybe throw some like you know when you make a to-do list and you put stuff

that really easy or that you've already done? Put some, like, hopeful ones down. Like, oh, you were too kind. I don't know. Helped too many old ladies across the street. That's right. And then even get them to ballpark it because some of those boxes, you don't need to know what it was. If they tick it, you're out.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If they're, like, just, if you just see them, they got that you're like okay oh yeah yep yep yep yep you're like okay well maybe that maybe you're not the one for me oh no I think you gotta just ask the friends though like you do have to be like look I do have sort of like a red flag meter of like how much I will tolerate in a relationship and if if they've crossed lines I I need to know. Like you.

Yeah. Right. Like there's onus on the friends to be like, oh, we need to let you know that like that this person is bad. Right. Like, again, I would hope that my friends would, if they knew that the person I was dating was garbage, they would give me the heads up, which makes me think that what this is isn't that bad. It embarrassing maybe yeah yeah yeah you would hope

right cuz if it's bad enough the French should tell you so the fact that they did nice it was like oh like maybe she shit herself right like that's a that's a it's bad it's my fault but it's not gonna get me dumped but I still don't wait to see appreciate that you seem to have also that was also stewing around in the back of your mind no it wasn't but I was just't want you to see. I appreciate that you seem to have also, that was also stewing around in the back of your mind. No, it wasn't. But I was just thinking in what context that would be a viral, like, hey, have you seen this video?

Right. Have you seen Shit Girl? What's the setting she's at? Yeah, yeah. Where she's filming it of herself or someone else is filming, like a world's worst job interview or something like that. Yeah. I don't know.

When did Chair Girl happen what sorry oh chair girl remember chair girl chair girl the girl in toronto who he did a chair off the balcony that was probably 2020 right do you know what that is the perfect fit for this kind of thing oh my god is it fucking chair girl you might be dating chair girl in which case i love that jeff foxworthy joke where she's like you might be dating chair girl if what i got enough laughs i'm okay with this that's gonna be it for me guys thank you very much got the rest of the night that's actually the perfect one because i think like it's something that's very embarrassing but it's like survivable she was who knows what she was going through at the time like maybe that person like we could all be pushed into a very

weird context maybe where we become chair girl deep inside there are two chair girls inside of us that's right and it really depends when i was a very drunken teen there were times where i have done things that may like in the right circumstance i could have been a chair girl hey guys she was not a drunken teen july 21 2020 chair girl time that's that's really good i'm gonna message this person be like was it chair we've cracked this case wide open that That's so good. Also, that sucks because we contain multitudes, and we're all trying to be great, better people. And to get it all boiled down in your life, everything you've achieved so far to being chair girl, it's just such a bummer. It could happen to any of us.

Tonight, you could make a weird decision and be the next chair girl. There's literally two patios flanking us. And a fuck ton of chairs. So many chairs. It's so easy to ruin your life. Take it to the next level. Be bench girl. That's right.

Right? Yes. Yeah, there's patio tables. Please don't be podcast girl because we need all this shit. Yeah, this is quite a lot of money we've invested in this stuff up here. What if she was the ikea monkey mom oh was that that was also 2020 right i can't forgive that that was way too long is that before yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna say like a 2010 or something yeah that was earlier yeah that was

early long dead at this point i'm sorry so many dead animals already that's two that's two happy bride happy bride yeah you got one i do have one um i think we have a very similar situation we do uh so maybe this is the one question i vaguely maybe we'll do it together maybe we'll do like a tandem question because i feel like the theme for everything will be will be the same uh this is this was sent in to me from a friend uh they wanted their their agent name to be broken gaydar and this is a male 29 year old i have a very attractive co-worker that i'm crushing on very hard but i cannot for the life of me figure out whether or not he's gay or bi or whatever he's always very flirty with me but the man is the definition of charismatic and he's like that

with anyone and everyone he always goes out of his way to give me a big hug to say hello and goodbye at the end of our shifts he'll even give me back massages and gives me more compliments than i think i've ever received in my life how can i suss this man out okay i have a similar one but it's a little longer but i'm gonna i'm gonna hit into it and then we'll tackle them together this is by topmost imposter am i being hit on in the gym so i made this gym friend we have the same muscle groups on the same days we spot each other often and for the last six months we've been friendlier and friendlier we typically have very good banter i've not asked outright if he's straight but he talks about girls his ex-girlfriends and his nights out where he gets some with girls.

But for the last month, he's stopped that talk, and I'm starting to feel like he's hitting on me. He knows I'm gay. I disclosed it pretty quickly, as I hate the awkwardness behind it, and I've lost a few gym buds when they realized, so I'd rather get out in the open. His best mate has a gay brother, so he doesn't bother him in the slightest, which is good.

Few things why I think he's been hitting on me. He has been proper belly laughing at some of my jokes. I've been told I'm funny, but some of the jokes I say don't feel nearly as funny as he thinks they are. He makes strong eye contact, and I feel like I've caught him catching glimpses of my ass and groin when he's spotting me. And then he gets a little embarrassed when he sees I've noticed. A few days ago, I was late to the gym as I had a work call. I was in the car park on my phone, but it was for about 20 minutes. I noticed I had five texts from him and two missed calls. I went into the gym and his eyes lit up like a puppy. I apologized for being late. He was very forgiving. He's very keen on doing legs

and very much insists on doing squats. Previously, he was against them. He asked me what I'm doing on the weekends, which are usually busy, and looks disappointed when he says he's not up to much. But then one time I asked if he's up to anything. jumped in and said why do you want to do something and i told him i'm busy and i was asking if he was up too much and again he looked disappointed when we first started chatting he said he doesn't like dogs much as he was bit when he was a kid i mentioned i had a large joberman now he's insistent on meeting my dog and says i'm sure you've trained him well if he's as nice as you i can't not love him too in the last month when i got up from one of the machines i feel like he stands closer to me now and keeps grazing me with his hands he all seems a lot more tactile with touching my shoulders and thighs am i overthinking things i've got a free weekend coming up and i

was wondering if i should ask him over for some food and tv correct next i love that in both questions there's the shoulder touching which like i feel like you can do pretty platonically the thigh touching though yeah like that's a very casual like i touches my shoulder and thighs i'm like oh okay well that's yeah that's a new kind of boundary there this is his trainer is that correct no just a gym bro oh just sorry what's a gym bro just a gym friend just a guy you go you go work out with you go hit squats with i guess well you didn't used to you didn't use to now you're all about fucking leg day but now you only want leg day look maybe he's just real jealous of that fat ass yeah maybe like the looks to the groin and ass are like, damn, is leg day real? Yeah, maybe I

should be doing leg day. I'm also distracted and concerned that this sexual tension's been building up for that long and his move is going to be ask him over for, what did he say, snacks in a movie? I believe, I don't know if it's better or worse, but food and TV. This is doomed. This is doomed.

This is doomed. Couldn't be more generic. Do you like food? Also, yeah, this guy seems intolerable. He's like, doesn't want to do anything, and then is just whining about the dog. If you don't like dogs, who cares if he's hitting on you? He doesn't like dogs.

Although he did get mad, i guess it's it's fair it's not that he does say oh how could i not love him as well implying that he loves you it's true right it's true well the but the other weird part too is early on that he was bragging about like girls he was sleeping with and well maybe he's bisexual that's the thing why people do exist so but he was thank you thank you this isn't for you that's for the question that's for true allyship bi erasure is real this question is bi erasure absolutely but the the i mean i don't know the fact that he was like just talking about sleeping with women it's not like he was like and i sometimes sleep with men or whatever. Then he just stopped

talking about these things. I don't know. It sounds like the way I would think guys were into me when I was like 13 in the closet. He didn't mention his girlfriend for an hour. Now is he into me? The thing is,

straight men are very lonely. Straight men are lonely? They're so lonely. Oh. And it's not just lonely. It's like real companionship, right? Like it's real sort of like at a fundamental level. And we saw this like especially during the pandemic where like a lot of guys were like,

if I can't go and watch sports and if I can't go to a bar, I'm alone. Like I have nothing right like a lot of dudes realize that like oh i have no meaningful relationships outside of sort of like sitting quietly in a bar yeah like social social situations friendships and then it was done and we're drunk and i go home and like i did it tick the box on friendship and that's when they started touching other men's thighs yeah that joy of connection of connection. The thigh thing, though, right? It was either that or throw a chair off a balcony. I didn't know what to do.

That's right. She just needed a firm grip. I don't think they should do anything. I think this is not going to... Maybe the first one, but I kind of forget the details of the first one already. The first one was pretty vague. It certainly wasn't as specific as this. Did they touch thighs he was he was charismatic he's uh very flirty but he's flirty with anyone

and everyone uh he always gives a big hug to say hello and goodbye and he gives back massages and lots of compliments but that i feel like they're both it's or if they are gay it's not gonna happen they just like attention because like what are you waiting for i in my like i'm a big fan of this i'm like shoot your shot yeah why not yeah right we say all the time communication especially because in both these scenarios they're aware that you're gay right and i understand that there are there are safety concerns in situations right like i understand that like there there is a concern of being like, if you've bonded in a male, you know, there's a fear of breaking that with anything other than being straight.

Right. So I understand that there's, like, there's a fear of that. But, like, in both situations, the broken gaydar question, I don't know if they know you're gay, but I'm assuming that they do. If they do, then, like then these men are very comfortable with you despite or because of your sexuality.

So there's no harm. There's no harm. We always talk communication. So it's like if you want to fucking shoot your shot, shoot your shot. Is food and TV the way to do that? No. I don't know. That's right.

Be more specific. Food and TV. I'm sorry. I interrupted you. But like, I think we're on the same page. Specificity is a lot more fun. If you're like, hey, come over for some ceviche and the mole. I don't know. Even that's sexier than food and TV.

Anything. Anything is sexier than that. I think the big overarching problem here is equality. Because when people were more openly homophobic, it was easier to tell when people were into you. And now it's just like, oh, you're being an ally. But are we going to make out? Yeah, we've graded those lines and it's fucked up.

A hundred percent. I know. Bring it back. Happy Pride. That's the last time I'll say it. It's the last time I'm using that joke. I just want to make sure that it's your pride message that we need to bring back homophobia? That's, yeah.

Just to make it more easy for gay people to get laid. It's for a good cause. Hey, you know what? I'm deferring to you. That's right. It would be weird and problematic if you said that. Yeah. Although, can I say the thing that I said before in my DMs?

Yeah, for sure yeah which was um so i was like hey what are your pronouns and then also and you guys are a couple right not even are you but just like i'm assuming yeah and then it doesn't help that when he shows up we're essentially wearing the same thing and drinking the same cocktail with a maraschino cherry and i just moved to like right beside where dane lives so now we're like two minutes away from each other practically you can keep naming we record in the closet i was gonna say this is like this letter exactly now you're like he does everything i do we do touch each other's shoulders and thighs we spent we spent a lot of time gazing into each other's eyes in the closet the best is when we're doing questions it's like we did one where's like a deep dive on like blow job and hand job advice so we're like staring at each other's eyes in the closet. The best is when we're doing questions, and it's like, we did one where it's like a deep dive

on blowjob and handjob advice. So we're staring at each other in this tiny, sweaty, hot closet, inches away, straddling, miming. I just want to set the scene here. When we record in person, I have a rolling sort of shelf that we put the microphone on, in which case, because it is a omnidirectional mic back and forth we sort of straddle we get as close as we can so the mic picks us up real good

and then like we we straddle it our knees practically touching uh-huh also wearing as little as we can because it's so hot it's so fucking hot in there digging a hole is it like one of those abba music videos where one of you's looking straight and the other one's like right at the side speaking across your breath is like cross recording yeah yeah yeah i'm into it hey if there's anything i would like to describe our podcast as it's like an abba music video yeah yeah that's pretty much it yeah you wish uh i think you just got to fucking have communication. That's that accusatory tone. Yeah. I think just shoot the shot. Go for it.

Why not? What's the harm? Switch gyms if it goes south. Yeah. That's the thing. You can always move away. You can always pack your bags. That's the thing with no matter what you do in life, you can always move somewhere else. There's other countries.

You can always abandon your life and start somewhere fresh. That's right. Now, I will say, if you're doing this, if you're with this person who's like, especially in the question, in the bar one,

it's a bar, right, where they work? Yes. Okay. If they're flirty and you want to like shoot your shot, you can't half-ass it. You can't be like,

oh, so, like, you know, wink, and then, because they're going to meet that energy if they're flirty and then you're gonna be like oh shit you're gonna be more confused you need to be like straight up that's that's my advice you'd be like hey or gay that's right hey when the audience is smarter than us, we don't like it. Yeah. So we can... Hey, Dane, edit that out.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Everyone go quiet for a second. Okay. Edit that out. Yep. Gay up. Nice. So good.

What a good joke. What a good writing room you've got. Damn. Excellent joke. Security, can we get her out? You're absolutely right. There's too much like will they or won't they sort of like Bridgerton madness going on so just go straight in for it yeah yeah yeah see what happens uh that's gonna do it for our first act here we're gonna take a quick break as now did we talk about the

shock competition we did yes if you tag uh black sheep and also uh fuck buddies you'll see us on the old qr code if you are a secretive person and have a private account. Let us know. We won't see it, so let us know, and then we will still count your entry as an entry. And then you get shots. So do that. If you win, yeah, for your table.

Also, if you're interested, if you don't have cash, that's fine. We have a QR code that brings you to the fundraiser. That would be great. We want to keep Glad Day alive and well and thriving in the city. We're back. We are back. Whether you want us to be or not. Thank you for everybody who has posted and shared pictures.

We got some fierce competition going on for the shots, but still good odds. It's true. I think this might be, it's one of our smaller audiences, but I think it's one of our most complete audiences. People are horny for shots. People are horny for shots. It's a Tuesday night, and they want to get fucked up. Or are they just like, I need alcohol to get through?

No. Either way, the more you drink, the better we are. I guess I'm going to hit us off with another one. Yeah, do it. This is by Quicksot. I, 23-year-old female, asked my now girlfriend, 21-year-old female, to be my girlfriend. And she started playing Minecraft. How do I deal with this?

I started dating my now girlfriend two months back and just asked her to be my girlfriend. I brought flowers and asked her. For a moment, she was really happy and said yes. But within a minute, she went to her laptop and started playing Minecraft. I don't know how to feel about that i was hoping she wanted to spend some time together or something more than just saying yes and then going back to discord and then playing minecraft i don't really know how to deal with this because i didn't expect her to play minecraft so fast after and i'm now thinking about breaking up i know her for two months now and i really like her but it seems

really surreal to me any reactions would be great because i don't know what to do I'd say they're doomed now I want to go the I want to play devil's advocate here and say in 20 years when you've had a long healthy happy relationship you still if you're still going to be playing my like you've got a glimpse at what a long life together is gonna be my partner and I like to laugh about the fact that it'll be the middle of the day and I'll be editing and she'll be working

and then we'll be making lunch and then it's like oops we've hooked up we've had sex and then we just go back to like regular life again and like that to me is a charming slice of sort of like what it's like to live with a partner and just sort of like exist. So I think this might be like a little hint at like being like you can have really sweet moments and you can have really intimate moments and you can have really nice moments. And then you just go back to playing video games or watching your weird reality show or like doing your own thing like not everything i i strongly believe that not everything needs to be a big thing i think maybe

this is a little underplayed but i think there's there's some there's a charm to normalcy a little bit for me. Well, what is the girlfriend-girlfriend thing that you can now do that you're official? What was she expecting? Why are you playing Minecraft? Instead, we could be doing that thing we can only do now that we're official girlfriends. Minecraft together. Well, that's one thing. Which is pretty cool.

I assume they wanted just a little bit more like, oh, oh yeah we're finally official like let's do the thing which i get however the only way i'm not on the question asker side or wait the only way i'm on their side is if they didn't ask it like if the girlfriend to be was playing minecraft and they dropped that question it's your fault right if you're playing with friends it's not gonna be us sorry i'm gonna have to bail on you i know we made plans but like they just said you won't be official now i got a bone i guess like if if you're playing and you just decide to interject in that and drop it that's your fault if it's not it's kind of weird to be like oh yeah let's be official hold on i. I'm going to go, hey, you want to Minecraft it up?

Right. Yeah. Like, you know, the group chat should be like, you want to go fucking dig for diamonds or what's up? Like, I understand if that wasn't a prior plan that was either communicated or they were in the middle of it just to be like, hell, yeah, let's do this because it's a nice moment. You know, you mentioned having sex.

That happens a lot. So that's fine. Yeah. Why not just do that? Yeah. having sex. That happens a lot. So that's fine. Yeah, why not just do that? Yeah, have sex. That would be great. But I mean, like, you only really, like, become official once. Also, look, if you're going to make a big romantic move, what did you have planned?

Right? Was it just like, were you guys just hanging out in her apartment and you were like, yo, you want to be official? Yeah, sure. Like, you set the tone that's right for this for this event you've said it so low bar so casual that she was just like yeah for sure it's like is this the first time this woman's ever played minecraft because yeah then i would be like that's kind of weird she's desperate for something to do or or is it like is this just like what you guys do when you hang out together like i like i want to know the the scenario and the and the circumstance in the context because

if if you are just like you know hanging out having food watching tv and then she asks you out is it's weird to be like well now it's time to go do a big thing and and not do the thing that i was literally just doing with you together you know like i don't also sorry was that an intentional food and tv callback yeah because i did not get the applause it deserves i was yeah you just i think i got one half-hearted chuckle over here and i think that was you know what give and take also as a side like every now and then i'm'm like, oh, remember being 21? Wasn't that fun and liberating? And then you hear or you see the inner monologue of a 21-year-old's brain.

No offense to any 21-year-olds, but I'm like, oh, you need some scaffolding, girl. You do not have a structure to work from here. Maybe that's what she's mining for. That's right. It's true. Or enter Minecraft. She's playing into she's mining for. That's right. It's true. Or she's playing into the stereotype. She's moving really fast.

This person just said, hey, you want to be official? She's already looking for a diamond. Ay. Minecraft joke. Hey-o. Now you can go home.

Trevor, it's your show now. That's right. We're done. We're out. Whoa. I've never played Minecraft. I'll say that. I've seen it. I've seen it.

I've played it. It's pretty fun. Can you raise your hand if you played it? Can we get a round of applause for Minecrafters? We've got one. It's fine. We've got one. Happy pride.

To be fair, Ben is married, so. It works. Minecraft, he went and found a diamond, and he got it on lock. Has your Minecraft gameplay ever disappointed your partner, do you think? Can we talk to the audience? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we should.

Before. Do you do it in private now? It's way older than 12 years, I think. I think we're in the 20s at this point in time. Oh, God. I used to play it with my previous partner like 10 years ago yeah it's it's not a new game so i mean but it's still going strong it's a fun fucking game anyway this is our minecraft podcast right everyone's like what are you talking about hey i've also i think i would say that i've dabbled in minecraft i've dipped my

toes in the minecraft Pervert. Yeah. I think I've maybe played like maybe two or three hours of Minecraft. So I don't really know what it's about either. I would say if we want to do real advice here, don't fucking dump them. If you have an issue, if it's like, oh, every time we try to spend time together, they fuck off and play Minecraft. Yes. That's an issue and you can communicate and talk about that.

If it's just like, oh, I dropped the question at the worst fucking possible time when they were hanging out with a friend, that's your fault. But you need to figure it out. Yeah, did you say anything? Were you like,

hey, babe, I want to stare into each other's eyes or something? Pause it? Or did you just kind of sulk in the corner? Because that is also on you, I think. It seems like they sulked, and then were like, on Reddit.

They wrote this on Reddit? Can you imagine, like like you're playing Minecraft? You look over your partner's like, right. Tap, tap, tap, tap,

tap, tap. Hey, she's deep in the mind. She's washing up for creepers. She's not looking at her partner. Come on. I don't like it.

Uh, let me, let me grab a question for you real quick. Uh, this is from Kitchen Cone. My 18-year-old female boyfriend. Sorry, I've said that strangely.

This is an 18-year-old female whose boyfriend accidentally walked in on me doing it while saying his name, and I want to throw up for embarrassment. In this case, in this context, doing it means masturbating. I figured. It would be really weird if they were cheating while yelling out his name yeah and he walked in and their big

concern was like oh i'm so embarrassed oh so embarrassed i said his name oops um we've been together for a year we've never had sex but i'm still or because i'm still too nervous he also never seen me in my underwear my mom told him i was in my room when he came over and i didn't realize how soon he was going to get here so i was doing it so that i wouldn't get wet when we were close together i was under my covers thankfully but i whimper part of why i'm embarrassed and he almost 100 heard me whisper his name or sorry sorry, whimper. Whimper his name. Really hanging up on the whimpering. We still hung out after, but I want to throw up from embarrassment. I don't know what to do.

What does she think he thought was happening? She's like, I don't think he knew. She was like fully under the covers. She thinks he knows. 100%. Okay. Yeah, what she was doing. And also thinks that he heard the whim yeah she was doing and also thinks that

she he heard the whimper i would just love to know like this is why questions like this make me want to fucking jump off that balcony as if i was a chair and chair girl was throwing me because i need the fucking context i need to know like did he go whoa i'll give you a minute and step outside or was he like did you say my name like what happened what did they say he just walked in like kramer just sort of like just fucking slides in like it's true did like how do you have this thing happen and not talk about it because if you didn't talk about it did he even see or notice or care look i would also look i mean i get it you walk in on something embarrassing. Like, if, say, I'm working. Someone doesn't lock the door to the bathroom. I walk in, and I'm like, oop, and I close the door.

When they come out, I'm not going to be like, saw you pissing, dude. Right, right. No, we're going to pretend like that never happened. I would say, sorry. And that's talking about them. We're fine. Would you say it after the bathroom incident?

Like, when they're out and about? Yeah, when they like oh sorry about that wait okay you're a psycho i'm a freak i'm a psychopath let's let's i've never been more scared of you in my i work in a bar and we don't have a public staff like we don't have a staff bathroom just a public one and i was washing my hands and a sweaty man came up, clapped an arm on my fucking shoulder, and said, glad you washed your hands, bud. I just want to get that out, because that sucked. I mean, yeah.

Yeah, sure. I mean, that's bad. It would be weird. Nothing to do with the question. It's been weighing on me, and I hated it. Really, really good. And then I had to drop his chicken and waffles to his table like 10 minutes later and

he like looked at me and smiled and i was like no hell yeah but this is funny like you know as someone who's bro earlier i'll speak to that sort of world you come from which is i thought this was like a straight person thing there's a lot of bathroom and urinal talk which like is that is that do you guys do that no no no it's a sacred space you don't know if if there's urinals say there are three. If a man chooses the middle urinal, he should be sentenced to death. Right. He chooses the left one.

If you take the one right beside him, sentenced to death. There is three urinals because that middle urinal should never be used. But I've seen so many movies where there's an entire scene where like two men, they're a urinal apart or whatever you need to do to feel safe but they're like look like locking eyes and like holding themselves while locking eyes and being like so did you didn't like that about aliens all right cuz we don't do that or like if you're talking to someone while peanuts you know yeah it's to initiate. So I once, so at my college, the urinals were, there was two, side by side. There were just two?

There was two. That's a sex bathroom. There was. That bathroom is on squirt.org. That's right. There was like a little, a little sort of like barrier between the two. Yeah. But I did happen to go at the same time as my improv teacher.

And he's just like, oh, giving you prompts. Yes, and. Does anyone have a location for me? No, we were peeing and I was like, okay, this is, it's weird because you are my teacher. But like, I'm glad that we're not talking about anything yeah and sort of like

we were both going and he did at one point in time didn't look at me thankfully but did sort of like say you know sometimes when you really need to pee it's almost as good as orgasming and I was like you you know what?

I don't know if that's the words I want to hear from you, sir. This man either has the best pisses or the worst orgasms. This is true. Is he an incredible improv teacher? Because it was, retrospect, quite funny to do in a weird location. No, wait, also, what was the age gap between the two of you? Large. This is so weird.

Yeah. I don't like it. No, me neither. Hey, as the person who lived it also didn't enjoy it. Okay, none of us like it. Okay, okay. Although I can look back now and be like, it's kind of funny. Yeah, I'm not a

urinal talker it's that's a quiet time we're all doing our own thinking yes yeah anyway what was the question none of us are fully fully forgotten oh she was doing it oh yeah this is different i just i need to know i need to know was there any anything spoken, said? Was it just like, hi, Claire? And she goes, hey. Yeah. Just fucking like sort of like Spider-Man style. Just kind of like while she's under the covers talking, like shuffling her pants up slowly,

hoping that he doesn't know us. And then they did some food and TV. Like, I don't know what happened. Oh, so you laugh at that. That's how you do a callback dude you're all the way he is the intonation also i think i don't know i just like i guess when you're that young maybe and it sounds like they were young she didn't want to be distracted but the pre-date masturbation to me also seems is that something a lot of people do because i don't know like that seems weird i also like at mom's house it's i i assume they still live at home i assume she didn't go to her mom's house

hey meet me at my mom's house hey mom i'm going to my room don't fucking disturb me mom i really need to rub one out before jim comes over it's a weird moment why that i don't know it is weird but like like i need i need so much context it's killing me why are they not fucking i'm gonna tell you right now why are they not fucking she's not ready yet and that's fine but like why does it matter if you get wet during the day well that's what i mean is that your boyfriend's coming over that you're into and like don't you want to be kind of turned on a little bit not saying you have to have sex you don't have to have sex no and this thing's like if he hasn't seen you in underwear before he's he's probably not gonna know whether or not like the the the state of your

moisture isn't gonna be yeah can you say that one more time yeah no i think if i do i will be your moisture yeah jesus christ right it doesn't seem like it would be a problem. I'm pretty sure that's a Hinder song. It's so beautiful. So dumb. But like, look, I'm going to say it just flat out. I'm assuming, we don't have the age of the boyfriend,

but if you're 18, I'm hoping, God, I'm hoping, that he's roughly the same age as you if i walked in on any woman whimpering my name while masturbating i would run outside and i would run all the way to philadelphia run up the rocky stairs and do the and I think Ben was he was like yes I wouldn't be he's not going home and like texting his friends like fuck man yeah you would never

believe what happened to me today walked in on Claire she was just doing it whimpering my name fuck like no look guys we just need to get on discord I need to minecraft so bad I also am not sure she knows what sex is because she was calling that doing it yeah i've never heard that before maybe she thinks that's if they have sex they're both just masturbating next to each other yeah like yeah i've never heard anyone say doing it for that right no it's unhinged no doing it is Six. Officially. Legally.

Colloquially. Catholicly. Let's get a new question. I'm out. Yeah. Catholicly doing it is praying. That's right. Let us go for. What is masturbation if not praying to the altar of your genitals?

Sure. I can see the headline of the next one and I don't like it. Yeah. No peeking. This is by wings and tails is liking jordan peterson a red flag yes next yeah you know what yeah we've that's it yes that storms out we did it good riddance uh okay this is by sudden ratio 38 85 i was shamed by my grinder date for not cleaning perfectly, and now I'm afraid to have sex. Okay.

I had sex with a guy a few months ago on Grindr. He was very attractive and well-endowed, and I was very interested in him. I made sure I cleaned as good as I could, used my douche, and I didn't just go for an anal cleanse. I did an entire intestinal flush. I honestly felt pretty shitty and bloated afterwards,

but I wanted to make sure I made a good impression. We met up, had a nice dinner, started kissing kissing and got to business he was very rough and it felt amazing but he stopped halfway through and just stared down i asked him what was wrong and he crossed his arms and said really dude there was a small amount of residue on his dick it honestly baffled me because i was very thorough and even tested beforehand with a toy but somehow there was still a small amount in there he laughed and rolled his eyes and he just asked me to leave i've never felt so fucking horrible in my life and i'm honestly afraid to even have sex anymore should i feel ashamed did i just not do a good enough job it freaks me out just thinking about trying it again uh first of all this is bad podcast content

you can't see this but everyone in the room is like clutching their temples. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone is. Also, I love the writers like, should I have done more? Like what's beyond an intestinal cleanse? What more? What power washer could fit inside you? What's left?

I assume it's like you go both, you go butt and mouth and sort of like Voldemort Harry Potter style, sort of like meet in the middle, just really give it a go. Yeah. I assume that's the only other sort of like, that's the next step. Look, I think we can all agree this person didn't do enough. Like, did he eat?

That's right. That's like, give it two, three days. No eating, maybe water, maybe if you're a coward. Straight fasting. Double fountainhead. Yeah, double fountainhead yeah double fountainhead fasting like don't even look at food yeah no what the fuck that's not cool yeah i don't maybe humans aren't for you maybe have sex with something not organic yeah you can really clean there are toys yeah dishwasher safe yeah yeah yeah it is it is a Kong you know those dog toys yeah and I imagine filling it

with peanut butter would be just as exciting no he doesn't want any rest no peanut butter anywhere near this man it's just a dry Kongong you know what that's what he deserves that's true shame on you yeah shame on you what the don't shame someone that sucks you didn't do anything wrong i didn't wake up today thinking that the best insult i've ever heard is going to be you should a dry kong yeah that's oh man if i journaled if the shoe fits yeah if you journal if the Kong fits the car yeah yeah this how podcasts get sponsored content it is actually a Kong anyone from Kong listening we're gonna reach out right after this let's see if they'll be down I don't know if they

will something tells me Kong's gonna be like nah it's meant to be filled with peanut butter that's right like the whole just said it's not meant to be filled with peanut butter dame kong's are no i oh my god what i'm saying is kong is gonna be like no we don't want it dry it's gotta be sloppy and that could be our tag kong wanted sloppy yeah oh no if you're gonna have anal you got to expect some poop that's it you can't go to And that could be our tag. Kong wanted sloppy. Yeah. Oh, no. If you're going to have anal, you got to expect some poop. That's it. You can't go to poop's house and be upset when it's home. You can't. You can't.

Right? Like, we can all agree on that. Otherwise, you're breaking and entering. That's right. That's right. Like, just, no. Don't be a fucking asshole. What we doing that's so beautiful thank you thank you yeah yeah 100 but and also like isn't that just like sex any any gender and any orientation

like things happen right also my bodies things are there it's messy that's what it's meant to be if it's not messy something has probably gone wrong like if it's sterile and clean and like you you don't even need a tissue or something afterwards this fucking something's gone wrong the only one who wants to try kong is ben shapiro right like that's it's jordan peterson yeah that would have been the link if we hadn't skipped that question yeah it's yeah i mean it always weirds me out when people try to like the best sex is the one where it's like your bonkin faces and and like you know it's messy and i'm so glad you didn't just say you're bonking because i thought that's where you were leaving it i was like okay well where's the lie though um bonk and kong you're just so hot yes also the description like looked up and the guy had his

arms crossed yeah i can see it and the guy sucks shit yeah you're not a genie dude get the fuck out of here like go away no one likes you uh yeah i mean you're fine you're fine yeah you're you're fine this guy sucks yeah your body is working as it should. Yeah. Go have a lot of sex. Not with this guy. Never with this guy. Although with that being said,

also, you know, how much shit was this again? Apparently a little residue. Oh, you're fine. It's fine. Yeah.

Like, you know, grow up. Yeah. Who fucking cares? Get the fuck out of here. And go gentle in your intestines as well. Like,

don't make sure you're not, you can damage your body if you go too hard with those douches and things I yeah I yeah I just like a good poignant I just get like I keep thinking like I'm like I don't know like the as we talked about beginning it's just like I don't really like how far up are you right like right that's on you as well yeah yeah you don't need to go that far in yeah no yeah i i feel bad i know a lot of people who bought them who like literally won't eat for hours oh my god in the hopes that later on they will get laid and then when it doesn't happen

i'm like that sucks shit for you because like if I don't get laid, that's bad. But I can eat. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If my alternative is like, oh, cool, I went on a date. I didn't have food or sex. That sucks. Yeah.

And then even if it does, your blood sugar's low, and you're kind of malnourished. So you're not really in the zone. Yeah. And then you got this fucking asshole being like, I don't know. Let's residue. Fuck you, dude. I just imagine him like Mary Poppins style.

He's got a white glove on and just sort of like... That's right. Really, dude? Get out of here. That's going to do it for this act, my friends. We're going to be back for our third and final. If you have questions, please write them down. This is your last chance for questions and to enter into the shot contest.

Correct. Also, I mean, it's still going, but we've got our tip jar for Glad Day as well as a QR code to donate to Glad Day. It's more of a donation jar than a tip jar. I know. I'm a bartender. What the fuck do you want from me?'re tipping glad day which is nice also beyond the tipping please go to glad day it is still in operation it's just south of wellesley on church street on the east

side it is a beautiful place and it's a freaking queer bookstore in 2024 so like you couldn't pick uh short from podcasting you could not pick a least lucrative industry or more challenging industry to go into. So please support them. They do lots of events. Whatever weird shit you're into, they'll probably support it. Yeah, yeah.

They just did a bunch of drag stuff too. So it's like, I think you'd be hard pressed to find an event that you wouldn't find entertaining. Yeah, 100%. They're awesome. They're great people. So we're going to take a quick break, hit the bar for a drink. If you want to donate, everything's right up there. And we'll see you in like 5-10 minutes.

Boom. hello friends we're back and we have questions you guys you guys did a thing for us we appreciate it do you where do you want to start uh i have three i've got two. So I'll do one. Yeah, this works out. Okay. First audience question. How often during sexy time should one refresh the mouth slash breath like a long sexy time session? How often? I'm assuming you mean like pop a gum? Like gum, mouth spray, mouthwash, brush teeth.

I would say how stinky is the person's genitals that you're putting in there? Yeah, what are you doing? Also, not gum. No, not gum. It has to be something like a mint or like a spray that you can finish quickly. Gum is like a four to five minute activity. Yeah, it's a long time. I can't say that I've ever done that.

I don't know if I've ever done a breath freshening routine mid-sex. No, I think if it's good at the start, it's good by the end. It depends what you're doing. Yeah. If there's residue. Yeah. That's right. Yeah, I mean, it's a very good, like, I think if, like, presumably we're talking about, like, a long sex in terms of, like, marathon.

I assume it's multiple goes, multiple swings at the old ball. Yeah, you're bonking the con. What are you talking about? Like, not one ongoing session, more like you'll go and then take a break. And then you take a quick little break. Like, multiple orgasms? Yeah. Is that what you mean?

No, like multiple like – Sessions. Like marathon sex isn't sort of like you're having sex for six hours. You're having multiple sexual experiences in six hours, right? It's what I'm saying. It's like if you feel like at some point in time your breath is starting to weaken in sort of pleasurable structure. Weaken in pleasurable. Wait, sorry.

Did you have like six drinks during the break? I feel like you're tired. The words you're using are so different from the way you used to talk. I've got to agree. But it's funny because it's actually the opposite. He didn't even have a drink in the second act. So is it that we made him too undrunk? Right.

Words are hard, guys like i don't know what you want you know what you take a break me and trevor got this i think it has to be the two things which is like if you are feeling self-conscious about your breath that's going to take you out and or if your partner is suddenly giving some kind of communication like they're recoiling when yeah if they recoil that's that's bad yeah but what would be your thing that you would use like a spray you did that and i would. Yeah. But what would be your thing that you would use? Like a spray? So you did that, and I would like, I think a spray would be most effective.

I've never used one. I've seen them on TV. No one has a breath spray on hand. Does anybody here have a breath spray on hand? Does anyone have breath spray on hand? And when was the last time you, if you've had a breath spray? Have you ever used one? One, two, three.

Okay, we've all done things but I'm gonna again what is happening if did someone spike Dane's drink if if you super pretty say what we're talking about yeah

you guys talk I'm gonna put the video on because I forgot oh this will do we'll say all of this again. We'll vamp. Yeah. I mean, I killed the first three minutes of this. So you're saying no breath strip or no spray? No, no.

I'm saying it's like no one. I don't know anyone who's breast strip. Yes. If you got those little Listerine weird like LCD or LSD things that you put on your tongue. LCD. Look, guys. Like one of those little ones. weird like lcd or lsd things uh that you put on your tongue right lcd look guys right like one of those little ones if you got one of those things that are gone in like 30 seconds sure but that is chances are those are in your purse those are in your pocket those are in your wallet those are in something which presumably aren't you're not wearing yeah while you're while you're in this thing so

if it's your place just go to the bathroom and brush your teeth if you want to or or do a quick swish with no i'm actually going to veto that because if you brush your teeth right before you have sex it actually can make your gums inflamed and make stis more uh contagious damn because you'll expose your gums to bloodiness so don't do that okay that may be a spray is okay or uh lcd strip or whatever you call it yeah yeah you just put tv in your mouth i love that see how it goes yeah that's right i think so i think it should be okay to do something though because that's distracting yes i think the issues here are timing like you made a really good point with the chewing gum you don't want to be like like it's just awkward for so long you know so what i so i'll

give you a tax someone's shaking their tic tacs tic tacs 100 okay i'm gonna derail everything for one second did you guys have the ad for tic tacs probably not because it was an ireland england thing but it was like did she just shake her tic tacs at me and it was like their whole thing and she did just shake her tic tactacs at me. I'm sorry. Okay. Maybe that could be our second sponsor. Yeah. Thank you.

It was an Ireland thing you said? Yeah. Fucking perverts. Yeah, yeah. So like for me, I'm a big morning sex fan. Love it. It's a nice way to wake up.

Not a good breath time. Yeah, bad breath time. Yes, when you wake up, you have bad breath generally. Morning breath is a thing. But I always thought it would be real weird to be like, oh, hold on a second. I'm going to go to the bathroom. And then in the bathroom, you're like.

I feel like I'm leaving you out of that equation. You know what I mean? And also, it sets up the sense of being like, oh, you've gone to the bathroom thinking you're going to have sex. That weirds me out. So what I do, and this works because if you're not at your place you don't probably ever don't have a toothbrush where you just take a little bit of toothpaste and just give them a little finger scrub right brush and that way you're not worrying about if you put a little tooth put toothpaste in a little water and just do a little mouth rinse it can help I've done that before I don't mean to be negative but I'm gonna

veto that too and that's because has anyone in this room ever accidentally gotten toothpaste on their finger and then touched their genitals by accident? Nope. That's right. And so if you do that and then go somewhere else, that's going to be a minty time that you do not want. I've had that with wings, like spicy wings. Oh, yeah. And I felt horrendous because it wasn't me, but it was the partner I was with.

And I felt really bad. Yeah. I once cut fresh jalapenos no bar and then was like oh before before the rush I'm gonna run to the washroom have a wink and let me tell you I did and he's in the bathroom after cutting jalapenos just doing it that's right did I because because I've I I did this at your place where I... You wanked in my bathroom? I touched jalapenos.

Or no, I touched chili peppers. Was that our first spit take? Oh my God, amazing. I touched... I was cooking a thing at your place and I was chopping chilies and I had rubbed my eyes and I was like...

Fuck! And they said like, pouring milk in your eyes helps and we did it and it worked so am I saying I poured milk on my dick to quell the jalapeno rage I did and did it work it did this is funnier if you know that Dana's lactose intolerant which he is wow and wait but does that if you the milk goes through your eyes, because remember there was a thing a few years ago when people were getting drunk by doing vodka shots through their eyes?

Yeah. What a world. But if you do that with milk, would it get into your gut? I don't know how bodies work. And then your bones get really strong. That's right. It's like, yeah, fuck it. You put it in your tummy, it's like maybe mainline it straight to your bones through

the eyes. That's how I do my milk. So that's what I, i there was also that like have you heard of butt chugging no so butt chugging was a thing where you would you would essentially i mean it's pretty self-evident i think you get it and i the way i see it is if if dairy is going to come out that way wait i don't and i apologize for asking this, but for some reason I'm curious, what are we chugging? Alcohol.

We put it in someone's butt and then we chug it back out. No, no, no. Your butt chugs the alcohol. The butt is the means of the chugging. Oh, you drink it through your butt. Yeah, yeah. It's like soaking a tampon in alcohol

and doing that, which is also, who knew? I really misunderstood that. Don't do that that surprisingly not good for you you know what i think you do is you go just like a snow white kind of thing you go to bed with a tic-tac on your tongue arms crossed and then it just dissolves throughout the night i guess you don't have to do that part i think that's my also works if you're Dracula. Just like that. The tic-tac dissolves overnight. And just as you wake up, your breath, it's at its apex of freshness.

And then you roll over. Or you've choked to death through the night. That's right. And you're ready to be buried. You're dead. Either way. Yeah, either way, you're good. If you need it, do it.

And do it in a way that doesn't ruin everything. Also, I don't think there's a sexual partner alive if i was like hey i'm just gonna go freshen up real quick because i'm i'm feeling a little yeah a little not fresh if someone's like how dare you i mean right what you think they'd want that yes yeah i if you're doing something for the sake of your partner's enjoying the you know experience yeah then like i don't if they're weird about it that's their fucking problem yeah i was on it just as a final thought a glass of water i think sometimes just a quick quick swig yeah also do the little gatorade break

an old old bartender trick of like if you went out for a smoke you do a shot of lemon juice lemon sort of like neutralizes yeah just shots of lemon juice on your nightstand just super normal just have a lemon just a raw lemon sitting there and just sort of like crack it open and just can you imagine have you ever used a lemon crack it open yeah okay no this man works with lemons every day of his life you think you know the terminology i know how to fucking tear a lemon open with my bare hands. Dan has a condition where he can't tell eggs and lemons apart.

It's also if you ever order a drink that gets a lemon garnish, it's a nightmare for me. Just torn in half. Eggshell everywhere. We have a lot of questions to get through. What the fuck are we doing up here? What are you doing?

Just making up bad combinations of words is what I'm doing up here. I'm still thinking about butt chugging. Yeah. That's not great. Me too. That's what we're doing for the after party. That's true.

I went to a gay event to support my friend who recently came out. However, I felt like everyone was there to hook up or meet someone and that I was intruding on people's space as I'm not gay. What's the best way to navigate this? I'll throw this your way.

They look at me. Thank you so much for asking. Well, as a queer person, I'm uniquely equipped to answer this question. No, if you were invited, that's fine. Also, if you're not a dick. Yeah, don't be a dick.

Also, if everyone's trying to hook up, I mean, truly, like, that's okay, too. Who's mad? Yeah, like, who's upsetting this? I think everyone says it's okay. I guess maybe they're just in their own head. Yeah, I mean, like, I think if you get the sense, like, I'm all about allyship and I'm all about supporting your queer friends and lifting people up and supporting communities and stuff like that.

But if I'm in a room and I look around and I don't think that this is the place for me, there's no harm in being like, hey, I love you. It doesn't matter what you come out as. This is weird, but keep going. I'm on your side, but this isn't for me. Right? Like, if you want me here, I'm here for you. Ride or die, I'm here for you. But, like, this seems to be an event very specifically not for gay dudes,

and I'm going to bow out if you're cool with that. You mean for gay dudes, not for straight bow out if if you're cool for gay dudes not for straight people not not for yeah sorry not not for straight people yes um and just be like i'm i'm happy to sort of like bow out and sort of like let y'all do your thing yeah um but again if you want me here as a safety blanket like if you want me here to to to retreat to i'll be uncomfortable for you because i know that 90% of the scenarios for you might be uncomfortable. You know what I mean?

I know that a lot of straight spaces aren't welcoming to you, so I will flip that on behalf of you. But if this is going to be a problem, like if me being straight is going to harsh your buzz, I'm happy to ski- ski dad along out of here i think the important thing here is like is it a perceived discomfort like are you uncomfortable because maybe you're in an unfamiliar space are you two in your own head or are people actually

uncomfortable your presence and if so why like did you are you acting in a way that's making it uncomfortable right or or people to somehow coming up and being like yo you want to fuck and you're like sorry but that's like so a friend of mine came out and she was like i like she was very repressed for a long time she literally wanted to be a nun at one point and then had a a big shift that her family hated and was like i i'm queer i want to go out to a bar and i want to pick up a girl and i was like let's go so we went to the village and we walked around and when we were in these spaces i would like try to be her wingman which kind of failed because at one point i went to the bathroom and all the girls she was trying to hit on were like your your partner's so supportive.

They love you so much. And she was like, no, my friend. And I think I overdid it. This is why we need homophobia. I said it before and I'll say it again. Cock blocking, always. Yeah, I know. I fucked up.

We're just out here trying to get you laid and we're just doing the opposite. It worked out well. And I will say, to the urinal talk we had earlier, every time I pissed, people were hitting on me no one no one was silent every time i was being they're like hey uh but i had a great time and i i didn't think i was i hopefully people were like god damn it this guy's here ruining our buzz uh i had a lot of fun she had a lot of fun it was a good day so i think you need to examine why you're uncomfortable examine what you're doing

if for some reason you're in a place where your presence is not welcome like yeah by all means bow out if your friend is okay with it or go somewhere else with your friend if they're not okay with it but like i've been in a lot of queer spaces i've never felt unwelcome so also i think she would have had way more sex as a nun something Something about that just seems like so kinky convent. Maybe that's why. Like, as a kid, she was like, oh, I'm going to have to be in a cloister with all those women. I mean, look at, I know. Aw, shit, mom.

Seminary. But also, I love this question because, you know, we are maturing as a culture. It's a very messy time where we're all trying to figure out how to do the right thing. And figure out, like, the one rule everyone's going to agree on. Like, this is trying to figure out how to do the right thing and figure out like the one rule Everyone's gonna agree on like this is what queer people want us to do or whatever And I like this because it's a good question, and there's no one answer for it No, people aren't a monolith if they were everything would be piss easy. We wouldn't have a podcast We like do this one thing. That's it. I know that's right, but you did both look at me with a queer question

You're like what what should we do? Well, it would be presumptuous for me to be like hey i got this hey trevor hey hey shut the fuck up for a second we go let me just mansplain to you right now that's right love that yeah it is it is very funny where it's like we're it's allyship has gotten to the point where we're just like we want to help but how because before it was just sort of like don't disown your kids and that was like that's all you needed to do and it's it the the issue is so nuanced now and as it should be like as ever humor interaction with anyone else it's not cut and dry. And it's sort of like, this could just be a classic case of like overthinking it, which is fine.

Like I overthink fucking everything. I get it. So I think just be chill, talk to your friend, communicate and like, don't be a dick. And I think you're going to be fine if you do those things. Yeah.

That's the thing is like, I always, anytime I'm in a space where I am obviously sort of like the odd man out, like if I'm in a space where I am obviously the odd man out, like if I'm at a Black Lives Matter protest or something where it's obviously this is not a space for me, I like to check in with the person who brought me there and be like, look, this is how I'm feeling. Are we okay?

Do you have notes? Whatever. And I think it's important to like check in with the people that bring you into these spaces who are who are including you because like one it's it's an honor to be included in spaces and you also reflect on the person introducing you so it's so if if you feel weird or whatever but i think there's also a level of like don't be a burden as well that's the balance right yeah you're gonna be like am i doing a good job so far yeah just be chill it's okay but also i just want to say as two people wearing protect trans kids tank tops and yes protect trans kids

obviously and raising money for glad day bookshop i think you're doing a great job so far so thank you yeah keep it up and now to a question about butts no but but well close no it depends it could be uh what does this say about the person who gets tested every two weeks they're taking their sexual health seriously and good job yeah yeah yeah i mean i can't even say you're being unsafe if you're being safe. So that's great. It's great. Like, yeah. I mean, like the the only like sort of downside would be like they're trying to collect them all like a Pokemon situation where and they're not disclosing that information where they're just like they're going like, damn it. I don't have chlamydia yet.

I got to go back out there. I got to get back. Right. Like they're getting tested. Like, yes. Like, oh, have chlamydia yet i gotta go back out there i gotta get back right like if they're getting tested like yes they're like oh so we can cure it like no no no right if they come i'll be back in two weeks yeah it's like that's that's the only issue i have but if someone is is is frequently getting tested um i mean i think it would be different if like i think we need context here right like are Like, are you in a long-term monogamous relationship with this man or person? Then I think, yes. I think I might be a little confused

as to why you felt the need to get tested repeatedly. Yeah, because either he really doesn't trust you or he's so cheating, just so much cheating. But if you are single and you're... If you're hooking up with this person. If you're bonking Kongs with people. Yeah. Thank you.

And you're non-monogamous, then one, it's impressive that someone is disclosing this information. If someone ever tells me that they regularly get tested, I'm like, great. Thank you. That's awesome. Me too. Cool. I don't see the issue. And if there is an issue, you might want to reflect on why you're upset that someone is taking their sexual health and your sexual health into consideration.

Because it gets to a little slut-shamey. Yeah, if you're just like, oh, they're fucking so much. Yeah, great. Hell yeah. And they're doing it safely. Good. And if you're with someone who you would like to become exclusive with, if you don't want, then bring that up.

Yeah. Right? Have that conversation of being like, I would like to make this an exclusive sexual relationship or monogamous relationship or whatever you're looking for. If that's what you want. Otherwise, if you're not exclusive,

I would hope that all of my partners are getting tested on a semi-regular basis. Yeah. No notes. No, me neither. I recently came out as trans and I'm trying to figure out the most fun way to tell my parents. Both my mom and my dad are very open and understanding. But lately, my mom has been commenting on my nail polish so much to go, why the fuck are your nails painted?

Even at an 80s themed event, regardless of color. Thankfully, my dad seems to just be cool about it. How do you suggest I come out to them that will make it fun while also making my mom feel like I, oh, mom feel bad about making fun about my nails. I would say this is the only time a gender reveal party is appropriate. Yeah.

Yeah, start a wildfire. Yeah, 100%. And you have our full support. You burn down any freaking sanctuary you want. Bake yourself into a cake. Just do it. This is your moment. This is what we're fighting for.

Burn down Hyde Park. It's going to be on the news like, a wildfire was started. Gender reveal. Oh, wait, what? They were just trying to stick it to their shitty mom? Never mind. It's all good.

That's right. All these firefighters covered in soot. They're like, this is cool. 100%. However, the soot is whatever color you want it to be. That's right. You just need to let the fire department know what you want to come out

as and they're cool with it. Sorry, I forgot the actual question again. This person hasn't come out to their mom yet? No, it hasn't come out to their parents and they want to find a fun way while also sort of being deliciously petty about the nail situation. Honestly, gender reveal party.

Yeah, I think it's got to be that. I think that's very funny. I think that's a great idea. Thank you. I think also just sort of one day, do they wait right right it on your nails and then when your mom gives you shit be like right read them or like does your mom get her nails done and be like well why do you get yours done and then like make her figure it out I think that's too advanced for this mom yeah I think most

things will be the starter on the ground floor, which is a Roman candle to the face. The color of your choosing, and then pull out the gender theory. If she survives, we'll have a chat. Now, I saw one of the best gender reveal parties that I've ever seen in my life

was a wrestling match where there was a blue wrestler and a pink wrestler, and they were there was a blue wrestler and a pink wrestler. And they were like fighting in a backyard. And whoever won was like sort of the reveal. And I was like, one, that's a safe way to do it. And two, I don't ever want to go to a gender reveal party that doesn't end with someone getting hit with a chair. It's true. This is true.

I want that, but change. So it's like people, like it depends, like what you're going, what you're transitioning into, but like you're jumping into the ring and hitting them with a chair and you're dressed in the color of your choosing

and that's how you do it because that's cooler to me. Yeah. But also I don't see how this burns down a forest and I'm kind of losing interest because that's, I think, the most important part about gender reveal. Maybe chair girl was trying to come out.

Damn. Fuck, what color was the chair? We were all watching her and she's like, look at the chair. The chair, though. 2020 wasn't ready for that shit, man. I know, no one saw it. But 2024.

We'll bring her back. Ladies and gentlemen, here she is share girl that would be oh no no no she's I love that so much she's at the side of the path oh no she okay okay from the, wasn't she in Liberty? Drake? Oh, Drake. No, she's in it. I'm pretty sure Drake.

She's also like apparently was really shitty after the thing. I don't want us to be too kind to her. She was not cool after it. Yes. As far as I recall, Chair Girl was not great if I'm getting this wrong, was not great. I think it's next question time. Before we just defame Chair Girl. Before we get sued for libel by Chair Girl.

We wouldn't even get sued. We'd just get a chair toss us. Please help. My wife is in a love triangle with her close friend and ex. Her ex is flying here from Ireland and we're supposed to go on a double date. We're all on good terms but it's still weird. How do I make the best of this? Okay. This is just the movie

Past Lives but with Ireland instead of South Korea. Is this real? Past Lives. That's right. Past Lives. Fucking Past Lives, mate. What you could do is kill your partner and now it's P.S. Like P.S. I Love You?

P.S. I Love You, yeah, sorry. Oh, that's good, too. It's cute. Or? Everyone really came around. Yeah. Sorry, P.S. was a weird indie film in which Topher Grace played a dude pretending to be the reincarnation of F. Scott Fitzgerald. Wait, that's P.S. I Love You?

No, no, no. Oh. No. I believe that's just ps no there's a movie called ps where right over grace does that ps i love you is the wrong cover about 9-11 no that's uh fuck that's remember me no ps i love you is gerard butler and that's from twilight oh is it robert pattinson is robert so you just spoiled the end of the movie to everybody by the way no I'm thinking of it

that's how he died in 9-11 what's the movie with Hilary Swank where she her partner dies that's Meg Ryan how dare you

I'm sorry yes I love you Hilary Swank there's no there's no 9-11 it is no is it

yes I love you it's not 9-11 no I'm pretty sure Gerard Butler gets kicked into a Spartan hole in that one I'm pretty sure guys we gotta we kicked into a Spartan hole in that one. I'm pretty sure that's right. Guys, we got to move.

Back to the question. Love square. Yeah. You just get involved. But this is a triangle. It's a triangle. I know. There's no fourth person.

There is. You're saying invite a fourth. No, the person not in the love triangle makes it a love square. Okay, Niall, point one. Who is that? That's the question asker no there's my wife her ex and a friend is this your question wait what did you just my wife is in the love train with her my wife and ex oh i misread or so the fourth person turns it into a square. Oh, there are four people. Yes. Sounds fun. Geometry, guys. It's confusing in our defense. It is, yeah.

Well, there goes my cool PS I love you reference. Yeah. You fucking idiot. No. It's hard. It's tough. I think it's hard out here for a pimp. We need more context, but Sorry. I'm still...

My girlfriend, her close friend has a partner. They're both coming from Ireland. This is like a math problem from grade school. One train is going 45 kilometers an hour. If a plane is flying in from Ireland at... So her close friend is traveling at 20 miles per hour yeah her ex is traveling from ireland exactly probably a hundred kilometers an hour on what you go in a vehicle

a plane a plane a hundred kilometers an hour that that plane would fall immediately people are upset that i gave them shade for not knowing geometry they're don't feel so dumb anymore. So there's life. Oh, you like geometry? How about physics, idiot? There's wife, there's close friend, and there's ex, and then there's husband. There's me. And then there's us. So there's seven people.

Okay. We could make almost a hexagon of fucking if one more person joins. Yeah. Oh, we've got it. We've got it. There we go. Oh, I love this so we have an audience member has has changed has has changed the love triangle into a martini glass by adding

a single point very bottom this is very good I think like it's not a romantic love triangle I think it's like the ex and the friend are hooking up and the wife is like emotionally involved because it's the wife's ex because it's the wife's ex and wife's close friend and now they're doing like a double date i mean so that's how close is that friend if they're dating your ex well and also that for sure and the other variable is uh is does my wife love me because if we're happy like there's it's okay yeah that's a good point if you're happy it's okay if not yeah i mean like yeah what's the goal here what are you looking for right because like are you just gonna have dinner that's one night cult that's great yeah this is how cult

start yeah yeah is one of them really charismatic and wears just white robes all the time yeah who's That's great. Yeah. This is how cults start. Yeah. Yeah. Is one of them really charismatic and wears just white robes all the time? Yeah. Who's the most charismatic out of the four of you? That's right. And what's your follower count on Instagram? Yeah. I guess it also, like, what's the problem? Because they didn't say, I'm afraid X will happen.

Yeah. And then does my wife love me? Yeah. Which is, that's it. You need to take a deep breath understand that everyone's got romantic and sexual histories and your wife is no exception to the fact or yes wife yeah um and if you are uncomfortable or if you have reservations or insecurities about this have a conversation about those before you meet up with them and be like hey I don't understand this explain it to

me or like parse it out for me or whatever and like here are my concerns about it and then if you guys like again like I assume you guys oh yeah you're doing a double date yeah I think like much like a kink having a safe word if you're going to be in a position that might be uncomfortable and you're worried that something might flare up, having a word to be like, oh, we maybe need to reconvene or, like, take a moment or what just happened upset me or something like that is a really good way to do it. But I also think, like, rationalizing is like, as you said, like, what are you afraid of? Put a name to the fear, right? Is it do you actually think your wife's going to cheat on you? No, you don't think that, I'm sure. But like, what is it? And like, rationalizing it and putting a word to it will help you kind of like rein in your jealousy or insecurity or whatever. And then the thing that you are worried

about, you can actually talk about, like you need to put a name to the emotion. That's right. And once your partner knows about an insecurity that you have, they're going to be thinking about it. If they're a good partner, right? Again, it's something like if you're insecure about your body and you're going to a beach and you let your partner know about that, your partner's not going to be like,

why are you wearing a T-shirt? Take off your T-shirt. They're aware of the issue, so they're going to be more conscious about that issue and that insecurity. So if they know you're insecure a little bit about this sort of love triangle that's going on, your partner's going to have that in the back of their mind so that if they see you, they'll hopefully, again, if they're a good partner, they're going to be checking in with you.

Even if it's just like quick glances, it's being like and gauging how it is and then like redirecting conversations or making a joke and moving on like you know i mean like right they hopefully will have your back in that situation yeah also i want to turn the ally ship back and say niall as an irish person is there some kind of of Irish context we might be missing here that we should consider? Irish, man, they're just super awkward and fucking weird. So, like, I don't know. It's gonna be weird. And nothing's gonna happen.

The best thing to do, here's my way to do it, is explain how to pour a Guinness so incorrectly, and this man will be talking about it probably for the rest of the night. Ad nauseum and and no one will find him attractive after that so i think it's time for some tinders and or online dating profiles yeah absolutely uh how this is gonna work some of you know some of you do not

i'm gonna read out a profile if you like it you're gonna woo if you don't like it you're gonna boo were you gonna i was gonna say when we guessed who in the rooms it is. Yours is safer. Imagine. Well, there's only one and they're not in the room. Okay. So the rest I found creeping on the internet, which will explain why they're so bad. So I'm reading it out.

Woo boo. We're going to talk about a little bit and then we're going to move on. This is Dylan from Grindr. Kinky as anything. Got any pets? Farm animals? That's a boo. Yeah.

So this is Dylan's description section. These aren't tags. Dylan has... Yeah, this is just about me. This is about me. Which does make it worse. Yeah, kinky's anything got any pets farm animals uh booze okay yeah yeah we're gonna do this yeah if anyone didn't uh I

know it's not I don't think uh wow oh it might be Toronto well I But six feet in muscular, so maybe we look the other way in the animal thing, guys. Everything's a balance. That's right. Oh, my God. This is a crime, so I don't know what more we have to say here. But also, you know, beggars can't be choosers. I just went on Grindr to check, and someone's name was Pickle Juice. Oh, no.

It's a cesspool. We're all doing the best we can with what we have. I'm just going to say, if his name is pickle juice, one of you is going to need a mint halfway through. A hundred percent. Yup. This is from

Tinder, I believe. No serious shit. Numb as fuck and dead inside. I'm just looking to get railed just to feel something inside. I'd rather catch a case or catch the clap before i ever be catching feelings keep it chill or catch you up what i do is none your business i'm not a bitch i'm just straight up it's honest i also like this version of you that voice you did has a charm to it thank you thank you i feel like this would this is my profile so that's that's why i really i really got into it this is kind of like a rihanna song right like right like i would i would kind of be down with this if this had a good beat to it

i'd be like i think half of this is the words from wet ass is like catch a case catch a charge catch the clap for our catch feelings yeah no macaroni in the pot uh this is james uh 33. oh we're moving past that okay yeah like oh no hey hey we can talk about it no one wanted to talk about that i'm sad we're good yeah ironic that the name is short-term fun oh that's what they're looking for that's what they're looking for their That's what they're looking for. Their name has been blacked out, which I, you know, we don't want to dox anyone here even if maybe you deserve it. No, it's...

Which that one's fine. That one's fine. Some are really bad. Okay, I stand down. This is James. I like long walks on the beach with my girlfriend

until the LSD wears off and I realize I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendings parking lot. So I like it because it's funny. Oh, what more would you need? What else do you want?

Like, out of the context of a dating profile, it is funny. It's funny, but I've heard it before. Yeah, it's not very original. And also, like, what does that tell me about you? Like, oh, you're sad and lonely and you like wendy's and you're unoriginal cool someone said i think i know them yeah like i it's not it's gonna be a oh we also rate them i guess we haven't done that that's gonna be a two for me yeah i don't know it's not at least at least i't Feel was original. But this one is like, you stole the bit.

So it's a one for me. I'd rather catch a case. Are they saying they would more rather do a crime than like someone? I think it's a case of like an STI. But they also say, or catch the clap. So it's like, I don't think you'd say an STI or a more specific STI. So I think, judging by the way wait you think catch a case means like solve a mystery no like catch a case as in like i've done a crime and now someone's

come to sue me or something i'd rather be obligated to solve this yeah it's just shaggy. He's like, I'd rather catch a case. Only have enough feelings for my dog. That's so weird. Now I'm turned on. That's a 10. If they were saying I'm going to solve a fucking mystery, I'd be like, yeah, okay, I'm in. This one is Hung IML from Grindr. I'm hung up arrow.

Love road trips and exploring new places. Cooking. Triple vax for COVID. Two for MPOCs. Now, I'm worried about saying this next sentence because I don't really know what it means. Also, BB toad. Oh, BB load pig. Yeah, that BB is bareback.

Oh. What were you going to say? Baby? Like baby. Like baby no money. No, I fucked it up. Also, bareback load pig. And then this is the best part

2023 loads given 653 2024 265 i'm not making a face to sex shame but the counting like what's the counting mechanism one it's weird if you count i'm sorry yeah i'm sorry it's it's weird if you count like every time you fucking call yeah you're like, hold on, you get your flick blade and you do another notch. But also, like, 650. You did the math. That's like more than two a day. That's almost two a day.

Yeah. That's a lot. Yeah. And not a shame, but just logistically, it's laudable. Go for it. I don't give a shit if you do it. In fact, I'm impressed. But it does kind of make me wonder if you're lying also loads given and uh oh no these are different years i was

like the loads given and received discrepancy is confusing like are the other people not coming i just want to know like how far into 2024 this was posted yeah 265 like it's you're really like letting it go though no it's like a third of what they accomplished in 2023. It could have been posted previously. This was not up to date. It's like a year to date, it could be. Yeah.

Okay. I just like, who counts? That's fucking weird. That's weird. I'm not going to kink shame you. I'll count shame you. Yeah. If your kink is accounting,

I don't like it. Yeah. It's not for me. Yeah, we're hating on the math. Woos or boos? lot of confused folk out there no I don't not because of the number because it's exactly counted

yeah yeah fuck the number I think that's it I think that's it right I will say the one thing about the number is I don't really believe it

like twice a day every day yeah that's a lot of coming you know what i mean yeah because if you're not doing it twice a day every day you're also then multiply like so much calm like that's again i'm impressed i just don't really believe it but maybe it's easier that's right but but hear me out as someone who recently got a smart watch every now and then when I'm walking around I get a notification that's like

one new load I've noticed this motion has been happening are you about to register a new load we heard you crying no it's every now and then when I'm walking it says are you exercising

so maybe there's something yeah like i don't know some vigorous motion where it's like you can set up an algorithm or an app or something where it's like you probably are fucking something he knows his bpm hits a certain that's right yeah there is a low that's right so i also just recently got a smart watch. And no flex up here. Bare wrists over here. We're step counting, bitches. Yep, yep, yep. But there is, I also get, there's a thing that the Pixel has

a working relationship with Fitbit. So essentially Fitbit, I guess, doesn't make watches anymore because they're just like, fuck it, get a Pixel watch. It's in. But anytime I am sexually active my if i am wearing my watch say something my watch is just like it just says nice yeah the number is just the time just switches to 69 and it's um but no it does it does recognize

it's being like you're you're exercising right now and it registers like the exercise time that and that says yeah sometimes sometimes it's like it's time to stand up one minute yeah yeah 42 steps really okay um but it does also you walked up a small flight of stairs one of the one of the things when i was setting up my watch was like do you want to share your exercise progress and i was like i don't know if i want to be like there was vigorous activity for 15 minutes at 2 30 p.m today because no one's going to be like did you exercise for 15 minutes today or anyone's gonna like watch and be like i'm taking deep interest into your exercise yeah and i'm wondering why you only did 15 minutes it's not an interest it's more the fact that like it would just casually be posted on

it just seems weird yeah yeah yeah don't do that but uh good i mean good i guess best of luck bareback sex pig for 2024 keep your numbers up that's what we're trying he's a load pig thank you for yeah load pig high score see that score load pig sounds like you're getting the loads right like load pig sounds like you're receiving them and sending them out well yeah i was gonna say truffle pigs search for the truffles yeah but you're searching for the low i don't know yeah yeah no i'd say you're searching For the loads, yeah, yeah. Maybe like load hose. He just builds something in Minecraft every time. Yeah. This is, we've spent a lot of time on load pig.

And yet not enough. And yet never enough. This is Samantha, 21, standing tall, 5'2". I want to do adult things with you. Whispers, taxes. Panting softly. Pay the mortgage. Moans.

Make sure we turn off all the lights. Our utility bill is fucking $300 this month. I feel that. You know who'd hate her? The girlfriend. The whippoor. Do you want to be my girlfriend? No. Do you want to be my girlfriend one?

Because this is a real mundane relationship. Yeah. It is. This person lives in the real life where Toronto is strangling us to death. Yeah. Where Loblaws is just giving us the middle finger every day. Strictly missionary. 100%.

Strictly missionary. Strictly missionary. I don't know if that's true. I don't know. Because they're pretty fucking funny. Like, this is funny and original and cute. I think they're a freak. Yeah.

I would. If I came across. This person. If i came across if i came across samantha look i know i just shamed the the last guy for accounting but this if i came across smith i would say yes okay yeah this she's not in my current age because she is 21. the other person was literally counting loads which is weird yes this person just lives in the real world and is funny. Yeah. I like Samantha. I'll give it an eight.

I'm going to give Samantha a high rating. Six and a half, it's fine. Yeah, it's... The only... I think we are skewed more positive when it's not super shit. Right. Because we have to delve through the depths every day.

No farm animals, We're in. Yeah. This is a hinge prompt. My self-summary, a nice girl or a serial killer to end my suffering. Either one will do at this point. Woos or boos? Why not though? I think we got a half-hearted response there.

Yeah. That's a lot of horrified looks. In different shrug.-hearted response there. Yeah. It's all the horrified looks. In different shrug. In different shrug, yeah. It's a weird move to be like, hey, hey, guys, I'm very sad and pathetic. Yeah. Like, who's going to be like, oh, my God, I'm so glad I could meet you so that you didn't die happy because you're so sad?

I thought this was a safe space. Oh, I forgot to say this was an audience this is our audience submitted question um rating would the jackpot be a nice girl serial killer i don't i i think they're just being very grim a dexterette maybe yeah i give this a two i don't like it no it's very like there's self-deprecating humor can be good but just being a sad sack is not great so it's gonna be a two as a serial killer i love it that's right 10. this is uh this is matthias 28. i'm the kind of guy that you kind of you can take home to your mom she'll think i'm charming kind and a bit sexy she falls in love with me i think i feel the same we

get married i'm your dad now i confront you young lady do you have a tinder account you're now grounded i like that one a lot it's funny yeah it opens the door to daddy jokes and it also opens the door to her mom yeah that's the thing if you. If you do fuck her mom, she can't be mad. She can't be mad. You said you're going to do it. That's right. It was all there. Yeah.

I love this. Ten out of ten. Ten out of ten. Anything that allows me to both have sex with you and your mother without you getting mad at me? No. The victory lap ruined. It made it too real. Sorry, guys. I tried uh this is nameless i

live in blank i only want a woman who is coming to blank soon or is willing to meet me in blank and i want a single woman with no kids my goal i'm looking for a rich woman who will love me and marry me without my situation being a problem to you. My purpose is not your money, but love and marriage with you. Just because it is true that I need all your love and help. My situation. My family and I are poor. I am currently unemployed. Right.

He just wants love and marriage with you. He just wants to be... He just wants to find a rich woman that's going to take care of him i'm going to give that a one the audience seems to agree you look traumatized well no it's the thing for me is the the well it's bearing the lead but the order it's written it's like a it's like a bit of a logic puzzle it is badly it's it's almost like chat gpt did this with the world's first one yes yeah yeah we were like what are you selling what are we oh at the very end surprise like and it's again it's like why bring it up like i don't want your money by the way

times are really hard you fully could have not added my situation family and i are poor i am unemployed that is unnecessary here especially after i don't need your money however however yeah and also the family addition seems weird because if it's like my parents and siblings like you're not i'm not dating my parents and siblings are these children wait but they said they don't want kids is it probably because they already have enough yeah that's why they're poor you know what it kind of gives me vibes it kind of gives me vibes of uh the uncle from charlie and the chocolate factory oh yeah well he wants his golden ticket that's true right and he's like grandpa he's just named grandpa grandpa yes no he's a name he isn't yes all right not uncle yeah grandpa joe grandpa joe yeah you're saying this is written by a grandpa Grandpa. Yes. No, he's a name. He is a name. Yeah, sorry. Not uncle. Grandpa Joe. Yeah, okay.

It's Grandpa Joe. Grandpa Joe. Yeah. You were saying this is written by a Grandpa Joe type? Or Grandpa Joe himself. But Grandpa Joe was poor, but certainly not apologizing for it. And this person's got a bit of a chip. I know.

Yeah. I know. He was ready for it. He was fucking ready for it. Yeah. Surprise fuck. We've got a super fan over here. I'm giving that one a...

We've got some wonk-aheads. A two. Do you have some bad sex writing for us? I do. I do. Yeah. I'm going to write this out into the night. Okay, hold on.

Before we do that, first and foremost, we want to thank Black Sheep for having us. The incredible people for taking care of us. Amazing. We want to thank everyone who's been helping us out, support,

glad day. They're amazing and we appreciate you for helping us. And most importantly, or it feels weird to do that. Equally as importantly,

thank you Trevor. Equally as importantly, the wonderful Trevor Campbell for joining us today. Thank you. Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you so much. Thank you.

This has been a lot of fun and you're amazing and we love you. More important than much. Thank you so much. Thank you. This has been a lot of fun and you're amazing and we love you. More important than the world's oldest surviving queer books. Yeah, yeah. More important. Like, come on.

I'll fucking say it. I'm not a coward. Is this a moment when I get to plug something? Yes, please. Yes, please. I know you have a project in the works.

I do. Yeah, plug it. I have a podcast called You Made Me Queer. You can follow it on social media at You Made Me Queer and I have a it on social media at You Made Me Queer. And I have a new show coming out in the fall called Queerial.

It's a true crime-ish whodunit trying to find out once and for all what is making people queer. If you like true crime, if you like satire, if you like podcasts, I hope you do. You're fucking better. Tonight's been very uncomfortable for you. So thanks for having me. No, I'm very excited do we have a like you said in the fall yeah i don't know exactly okay i'm so hyped for this you made me queer instagram get on there you'll find out yeah on the sonar network we love the

sonar network we love the song we love sonar uh they're good friends of ours uh i'm very excited for this project thanks me too uh i want to ask you so many questions but we'll do that i guess off mike uh this is the bad sex writing segment this one's gonna be really short so i just want for this project. Hey, thanks. Me too. I want to ask you so many questions, but we'll do that, I guess, off mic. This is the bad sex writing segment. This one's going to be really short, so I just want everyone

to get comfortable, really just be in this vision scape with me as I lay you through this tweet that I found. It's very topical. I apologize in advance. Let me,

don't you fucking peek, by the way. Don't peek this time. I'm not looking. I learned my lesson with Jordan Peterson. It's a tweet. It has two pictures. The first picture is a man on his knee presenting a ring to a blonde woman. The second picture is two hands

entwined, a engagement ring, bright and shining on one finger. And this man tweets, Pride Month is so defeated. I've seen this too. Incredible. He did it. He did it.

He broke Pride Month by proposing to his marriage that statistically will fail within six to eight months. And you know how I said there was no perfect way to be an ally? I retract that statement. That's what we need. That's right, yeah. My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. One woman, one man equals marriage.

I'm Trevor Campbell. And we've been your fuck buddies.