F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 303 - Intimate Evenings: How to Tell if You're Circumcised (Live @ Camp Halcyon)

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

This summer we got the amazing chance to head out into the woods and perform for the kick-ass campers at Camp Halcyon.  And since we were both away at GenCon all week, we figured now would be the best time to share just a fraction of the fun to be had at camp. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies Go on your own camp adventure: https://www.camphalcyon.com/

all the way from canada all right they're the two-time canadian podcast award-winning podcast and it's the it's the fuck buddies guys and hey how many people have had a fuck buddy before raise your hand all right so you have no idea what they're gonna be talking about perfect all right look not only are they hosting a podcast that's going to be great, we're going to talk about some really sexual things. Hey, the number one rule for me and Ian is keep it sexy. Keep it sexy. The number one rule is don't be a dick, but also keep it sexy.

All right, give it up all the way from Toronto, the Fuck Buddies podcast, Niall and Dane. Show them your love. Look at how gorgeous they are. Some of the most handsome gentlemen I've ever seen from Canada. Give it up. Give it up.

Let's hear it. Niall and Dane, you got it. Thank you, Panther My heart is warmed Hell yeah, that's how we like to start The weird thing is, is I was gonna do like the classic Like bullshit, like, oh, that was okay

That was kind of a good intro, but maybe we could do better I don't know if we can That fucking rocked, yeah, you guys killed it Yeah, we're not gonna try again Cause I don't Guys, I don't wanna I't want to cheapen what we have with fake podcast tricks. No, no.

You had nothing but the raw shit from us tonight. Yeah. We will. We will. Hello, friends. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Lyle Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sexy, sticky situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Hey, someone like rocketed, ejected, injected, like several shots of tequila into my mouth over the course of the night. And you still handled the intro better than half the time. So that was pretty good. I would say compared to how I do it sober, nailed it. Simply put, we are an award-winning sex and dating advice podcast. We find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners or from our wonderful audience members. The best.

The best. We should probably explain where we are because this is an audio medium and no one's gonna know what the fuck is going on okay uh we're in a a wooden theater uh in the poconos at camp halcyon yeah having the time of our fucking lives we built some rockets today we had tequila injected into our mouths we did trivia we did the giant slider we fucking killed it it was amazing there are bears attending the show so all in all yeah and most of them are in the audience are you guys ready to get going i'm gonna kick a saw oh shit okay yeah no yeah, yeah, no. Yeah, I'm going to fucking go. Let's do it. No bullshit.

We're giving it raw. This is a question from Reddit by a person named WorriedFerret3418. How serious is this? Fiancee, 35-year-old female, shows her hands. Fuck you. Repeatedly, which I, 37-year-old male, spot in the mirror both times. No disputes preceded either instance. Dear all, twice in the last six months,

I saw my fiance showing her hands, fuck you, raising her middle fingers on both hands behind my back with a look of hatred on her face. No dispute or other conflict preceded either instance, but I felt our relationship was going well. I asked her after the second time, which she first denies, then apologized without being able to explain. She said she had scenarios running through her mind about our future,

where she's doing household work and is somehow exposed to me as the moneymaker and person buying our home. I know sometimes people can irritate each other in a long relationship, but I genuinely don't think I deserve in any way the hatred manifesting itself this way. Not that I gave her any reason to feel this way either. I love her. I want the the best for her even that entails not allowing her to settle with someone who internally or whatever causes those conflicting feelings within her i gave up plenty of jobs we can facilitate the future together and my previous girlfriends called me a giver and a caretaking person i don't know what i'm doing wrong i have not received meaningful explanation i wouldn't like to waste my time getting a bit older. What do I do? I love that this is like a classic textbook definition of like letting the intrusive thoughts win.

Where it's just like this woman is just watching her presumably loving husband just going about his day. And then like she's come up with a reason to be mad at him and then has acted upon it. And that is an incredibly powerful way to go about your relationship. It's kind of like the really powerful version of when you wake up for, like, you had a bad dream where, like, you fought and you're kind of angry at them. And then you're like, wait, I can't do that. Yeah. But she was like, no, fuck it. Fuck you.

And the best thing is, is, like, it's such a juvenile way to express. It's a great way to do it. I do it multiple times a day, especially if I'm working and someone doesn't tip me. I'm going to hit them with just one of these. That's why I can't turn my back while we're podcasting

because he just fucking goes. Yeah, it's funny because our usual default advice is always like always like hey talk to them about it because usually we get questions where it's like this problem but then they'll never actually they'll never like yeah talking about it and they'll be like what does it mean what should i do why is she doing this and we'd always like hey have you talked to her about it he did try that way yeah and then it happened once and he didn't bring it up he was like oh and her answer was just like but the first time he didn't do it till she did it a second time which is the best

fucking part he saw her going like fuck you and he was like yeah okay that sucks and this poor guy he's like getting ready to go to work and he's just like that's the last imagine if like has anyone is anyone dying to watch dawson's creek it's about about 50-50. No, okay. I want to make sure you understood the question. I'm not saying, have you seen Dawson's Creek? You haven't seen Dawson's Creek and you're going to watch it. I'm about to drop a major Dawson's Creek spoiler.

Oh, no. Oh, we lost them. I can't tell if that was a, it's okay. Okay. A major character dies. Hey, Dan, I've never seen Dawson's Creek. How could you do me like that? And Dawson has a bad interaction before that happens.

Imagine you're saying you did this and then they died. And you're like, fuck. And this guy steps outside. I spent the whole morning flipping him off yeah this back imagine this guy steps outside being like man my wife hates me he steps outside bus and then he's then the rest of her life she's gonna be like the last thing i said to him was but like can you imagine like your friends are like hey it's okay it's okay she's like no i did i did something you don't understand and then you explain it and they're like what the fuck and they're like why did you do that no no so like i like to try to save relationships where we can this is one of the few there's no

going forward because you could never trust again like i'd be lying in bed rolling over facing the opposite way convinced that she's on her side. Like, like I would never, I would have to put mirrors everywhere. Oh yeah. Mirrors everywhere and or nanny cams everywhere. Yeah. And what,

what kind of life is that? It's, it's one that's going to be a bad one. Yeah. So the other thing I do like, does it say how long they've been married? Uh, no, I do like where he says,

for the most part, I, I do think our relationship married? No. I do like where he says, for the most part, I do think our relationship's going well. It's like, dude, you're married. Presumably you dated for a period of time, at which point you thought, hey, this is going well enough to marry you. And now that you're married, you're like... The audience was right. Oh, okay.

These guys listen, and that was a test, and you passed, and you're amazing you did it it's not that dane didn't listen i look i think i think this kind of relationship is is born on trust and i do don't want to under like keep going under the pretense that i was entirely listening because there is and this is an incredible camp experience for me, there is like a little black bug on the soundboard. And every now and then he does do like a little hump motion. And that's kind of cool for me. Hey, you know what?

The bears like us. This bug really likes us. This bug. See, he's doing it. Do you see him? Fuck yeah. Oh yeah. What's he fucking?

Is that the tone? Yeah. Do we just discover a new bug, the fuck beetle? Fuck buggy, yes. Fuck buggy. Do you think American Customs would let me smuggle this bad boy across the border? Not if they find it. Just don't post this episode till after.

It'll be fine. Yeah. Sorry. Hey. Stop getting distracted, Dane. I've learned today I'm not allowed outside while working. There's like a fluff that just went by. God damn, that mystified me. Give me a fucking question. Yeah, okay.

This is from a throwaway account on reddit female 21 male 27 would only sleep with me if I used the condom she provided is any other guy like this which is weird because it's it is the man asking the question I want to use condoms I bought. Okay, no, I should have read the question all the way through. I want to use condoms I bought that I know are properly stored and not tampered with and ones that fit properly.

I've used ones before that women bought and they were too big and felt strange. I wouldn't expect women to really know what makes a condom better than another. Yeah, better than another. I've never had a woman refuse sex when I wanted to use my own condom better than another. Yeah, better than another. I've never had a woman refuse sex when I wanted to use my own condom instead of hers. It seemed way too weird for me,

so I said forget it and left. We were going to hook up and be friends with benefits, but I'm second-guessing that now. It's not just me, right? It's a bit of a weird move. On both sides, if you're like, only condoms I buy, and she's like, only condoms I buy and she's like only condoms i

buy i'm worried about what you guys do with your condoms i just like imagining that this is that scene in harry potter where voldemort and harry are battling in the middle and it's but it's two fucking durex yeah it's just two sort of like one's kind of too big feels weird what one big condom one tampered condom just blasting away in the middle it's it's frustrating because it's such an easy thing where you go hey why why why this way why just your one and she goes i don't know i'm worried you tampered with it or stored unsafely and you go oh me too wow we get along so well let's go buy some together and we're fucking golden but who keeps who keeps the the condoms in the interim great i'm assuming there's all of them yeah i guess you do have to have sex 12 times or whatever

god forbid you go to costco so you take all the nanny cams from the first question and you just put a live stream on the condoms to make sure they're okay yeah put a thermometer in there you know make sure no bugs get on it make sure she's not. Put a thermometer in there, you know? Make sure no fuck bugs get on it. Make sure she's not flipping you off when you turn around. In the reflection on the foil. So I have a latex allergy. And I've had this happen before

where someone was like, I want to use this. And I was like, one, that's not the right size. And two, it would be incredibly unpleasant. The worst place to have an allergy is your dick. I was like, I don't know if you've ever had a sort of

contact-based allergy, but it's not a pleasant one to have regardless of where, but specifically on sensitive areas. And she was like, no, it's this one. She was like, you gotta suffer. I pulled to this dude and I was just like,

well, then I guess we're not gonna do this tonight. Yeah, that's fair. And I just kinda... Yeah, if you're uncomfortable, even if your reason is silly, fucking don't do it. You know what I mean? I'm saying even if it is.

I don't think it is silly. If they're gonna subject you to a dick-based allergic reaction, definitely fucking leave. So I'm proud of you. And also, if she's concerned about safety, and for whatever reason the condoms you're using are too big, then that is a safety risk. That is unsafe. In and of itself. It can slip off. Fluid's getting out and in.

The opposite of what a condom should do. Yeah, you're essentially just being like, okay, let's trade one concern for a myriad of others. Yeah. So I think it's fine to, and I think you should, respectfully decline if you aren't comfortable with the parameters in which you're about to have sex. I don't think you should ever use a condom you're not willing to use or have sex without a condom if you want to use one. You know, like all these sort of like situations where it's like if the stars don't align in terms of the things that make you safe to have sex, you shouldn't have sex. Yeah. Like it might suck. It might be a pity, but it's better to fuck an alternative.

A hundred percent. Yeah. I like that someone was doing like poetry snaps. That was kick ass. I like that. That was nice. You're welcome. That made me feel safe.

This is by Steadfast End. My 34-year-old male girlfriend, 30-year-old female, cannot have sex until she's had a shower. But then she can't have sex after she's had a shower. Too clean. What do we do here?

We've been together for about a year now We have high libidos She wants sex a lot She grabs my butt a lot And talks about wanting sex But she has a somewhat circular catch-22 logic Can't have sex till she's showered Because I don't want to have sex if my body is dirty or sweaty

Okay, fair enough But then, after she has a shower, she says I don't want to have sex now I spent a lot of effort getting my body clean, and sex will make the body dirty. What do we do? It's very easy. I've discussed this sort of technique

with a lot of people at camp. Ponchos. Yeah, ponchos. You get one poncho. You get another poncho. You cut two strategic holes wherever you want to put things. Bingo bango. Yeah. Everything's clean.

You just whip that bad boy off. Exactly, yeah. You fold it all up, and at the end of the day, it's all your juices and everything. And you don't even need to fold it up that way. It'll just stick together. Yeah. You just throw just stick together. Yeah. You just throw it out after. Yeah.

A lot of people yelled out shower sex, which is an answer, but shower sex sucks. Shower sex is the worst thing ever. The real answer is second shower. Just do a second fucking shower. No. Well, yes. I think if the problem is like, oh, no, I'm dirty, it's a hose down. Right?

You just get in real quick. Rinse. Rinse. Yeah, it's a rinse situation. And be like, look, we're going to get dirty again. And then we can have my preferred intimate shower moment is like a joint shower afterwards where you kind of like cool down in the shower and not not physically in terms of temperature no you got the hot water yeah you better have the hot water yeah be weird psychopaths uh yeah i i think this

is a situation where communication is always fucking key in this situation you need to be like do you want to fuck though because the the logic ain't logicking in any way. So it's like, is it just like a really bad excuse? And you're like, wow, what a silly girl. Like, does she just not want to fuck, man? Because I don't know if she wants to fuck. You can have a very simple question of like, well, this doesn't work. So what would you prefer?

Person with the issue? Yeah. And that's the best way to go about it. Do you want a drawer filled with moist towelettes? Because I could do that for you. I can make that happen. I could give you a sensual sort of, you know, post-rib rubdown. Yeah.

Right? You're lemony fresh. It'll cost you a fortune. Yes. But you know what? As long as you gotta do it I don't know an American I only know the Canadian price I'm sorry

So I think that's I think you do have to be like Where Where in your spectrum of cleanliness Is sex time And then be like great Let's narrow Let's pinpoint that

Yeah And figure that out And then I think I think you do have to like If you're concerned about it Have a conversation Be like hey and then be like, great, let's narrow, let's pinpoint that and figure that out. And then I think you do have to, if you're concerned about it, have a conversation and be like, hey, I feel like there's a bit of a catch-22 here where you're either too dirty or too clean. You've given me an impossible riddle.

Yeah. One girlfriend is too clean for sex. The other girlfriend is too dirty for sex. Which door do you choose? One leads to certain doom. There are two girlfriends inside of you. Neither wants to fuck.

They've been there the whole time. This is our scary camp story time. Do we want to just... I think it's time for some audience questions. Yeah, you guys, you came through for us. We've got a little stack of these bad boys.

Nala's a stack, too. We got some stacks. We got some Tinder profiles. We appreciate that. You guys fucking rule. They come at the end of the show, though, so don't get too excited. And the nice thing is,

as you're watching and you realize that, oh, they are two white guys with a podcast, but they're not those white guys with a podcast. You're welcome to send in the profiles if you think to and want to. Also,

there is a pen and paper if you have a burning question. If you're like, okay, I now trust these people with a question. The anonymity is if you have a burning question. If you're like, okay, I now trust these people with a question. The anonymity is going to be a little whatever. So maybe just hand like three papers to your friends as well and then come up. And then it's like one of three of you have asked the question. Or just hand in one you don't care about. Yeah.

Do you want to go first? Do you want me to go first? Sure, fuck it. Okay. How do guys like girls to approach them? Like in front, hands up, really slowly. Make lots of noise so we can see you. Yeah. If you stand too still, it's hard for them to really get an idea.

We're like T-Rexes. Yeah. If you stand too still, we lose you. Yeah. God forbid I'm outside and something goes by. Yeah, yeah. If you're not moving and a fucking dust goes by, Dana's gone. You snooze, you lose.

So I think this is a good question because I think the whiplash answer is, go fucking go up, all guys love whatever, which is kind of true. But I think there's only one way to go. Actually, there are two ways to go wrong. There are many ways to go wrong. But the two main ones are obviously being way too subtle that's one that's not the worst one that one's acceptable it happens men can be dumb we can all be dumb but sometimes you need to be a little bit more obvious okay sometimes very rarely but the big one i see when a girl gets it in their head to be like i'm gonna go get my man

you come on so fucking strong like a sledgehammer ladies you're scary sometimes right you like you embody russian bot yes yes but like the message you get and you're like twitter your tinder and you're like what the fuck is happening here that's that's kind of the energy some of your pickup lines sound like there's a really sketchy URL buried in there. Yeah. If I pay attention to one word too much,

you've stolen my identity. Yeah, somehow you've hacked me. Yeah, I mean, we see it all the time with our single lady friends. It's gotten a little bit better as we've progressed in age. But like,

women will go up to guys and they'll just be like, you want to fuck and look the answer is yes the answer is yes but deep inside you're like that something's happening here yeah there's they have a bunch of boys outside with knives and a hankering for some kidneys it's it's the same thing as if i rolled up in a panel van. What's the catch? What's the catch? If I roll up in a panel van and just get in if you want a million dollars. Yeah. It's like, do I want a million dollars?

Yes. I would love that. Thank you. That would really help my day and my general projections for life going forward. Much like the sex. Yeah. However, I'm scared. You've scared me.

I'm so scared. Guys talk a big game and we're all like, brr, brr, brr. But the second you're like, yeah, let's do it. And they're like, no. Like, wait, what's happening? Yeah. They live in a sexless oasis. No, it's not an oasis.

It's a wasteland. It's a terrible oasis. A sexless wasteland. And then you're just fucking typhooning on them? Yeah. They're scared. They're drowning. We look at the desert, and we see the face from the mummy in the sand coming towards us. They're scared. They're drowning. We look at the desert and we see the face

from the mummy in the sand coming towards us. No, we don't want that. So, that is definitely a thing to consider. Otherwise,

you're good. They love it. Yeah, just give them a compliment. Say they have a nice shirt. They're going to live off that for fucking years. Two people today

have told me that I smell good, and that blushed. That's, I'm gonna sleep like a fucking baby tonight. I'm gonna roll over, I'm just gonna, mm. Hey guys, let's keep the nice stuff going. Sniff the shit out of Dane tonight. He's gonna love that.

It's not gonna make him feel uncomfortable at all. How good, how good, right? Well, that's the next hour of our show everybody line up we're gonna just make sure you approach from the front slowly see did it perfectly did it perfectly let me know that you're coming yeah the bear that we like spooked it was just one of us he was shivering behind the stage when we got down here. Someone said something nice to me and I fucking ran. I was about to say this is from someone

but I don't know. We have no names. It's anonymous. That's the point of it. Why is butt sex so requested? What makes it so good? Is it really good, or is it the forbidden fruit? Are you really interested, or is this your question? Or both. It is, I think, a lot of the reason.

Yeah, you've gotten a lot of the right answer. Yeah, forbidden fruit, for sure. I think porn and just the prevalence of anal and that just made it this thing that people were like, oh, yeah. And then it's like how virginity was a medal in high school and university or whatever. It's like, oh, I had sex, bro.

But then when you've had sex, it's like, shit, what do I brag about? Oh, I had anal, bro. You needed the thing. It was like a bragging right. It's like a forbidden fruit sex it's like shit what do i brag about oh i don't know bro like you needed the thing it was like a bragging right it's like a forbidden fruit it's like a porn thing i think it's it's all that and like just you know the taboo it's not usual and as cool as the roman emperor or empire is the greek empire was also pretty cool and they were fucking in the ass all the time so maybe that's just like a thing you know like dudes are really into like war and history when i talk about like that's my roman

empire i'm not talking about the war i'm talking about the ain't we're talking about the sodomy just so much so we're talking about the sodomy 100 it's like the cool swords the butt stuff though yeah the leather armor and the butts wait i'm like oh i hope this doesn't awaken something in me um yeah i mean i think it all comes down to personal preference i'm not a big butt stuff guy i enjoy it every now and then and it's like you know is it good is it really good it can be for sure you gotta prep and use fucking lube guys You don't just have a surprise anal day. Don't do that. It's probably not a camp activity. I would say, I know what all of you have eaten

over the past couple days. Let's just say anal is not a camp activity, okay? We know what you've been doing with this situation. This is a multi a multi-parter and the best is the writing gets slightly more frantic and also slightly

bigger as it goes. So I'm going to read it in its entirety first because I feel like it needs to be experienced that way and then we'll go through them in order. What is a chode? What is the percentage of growers to showers? What do you prefer, grower or shower?

How much is too much dick? Like in length? What about girth? That last line was like twice as big as everything else. So it was girthy. What about girth? I love the idea. It has been.

We've had a lot of really great weather up here, but we've also had like brief spats of rain. And I like to imagine whoever wrote this question at one point in time when it was raining, kind of did the Shawshank, like in the rain, like looking at the heavens. It's just like, what is girth? What is it? What is a chode? A chode is a penis that is more wide than long.

Well, not specifically. Okay, not more wide than long because that is just like a rectangle. Yeah, that's a tuna can situation. But hey, growing up, I did think that's what it was. But it's a smaller in length, larger in circumference penis is what a chode is. What is the percentage of growers to showers? How the fuck would I know that? Look, I'm not here to make fun of anyone or whatever.

And I like to believe that I know a lot. It's why we do this show. I don't know if that's a statistic that anyone could fucking, other than if we did like a poll in a very sort of like. Okay, guys, hands up. Who's a grower? Who's a shower?

We'll crunch the numbers real quick. Growers to the left, showers to the right. Yeah. One of them will. Yeah, I don't know how to answer this question. Yeah, I don't think we can. which do you prefer grower or shower i don't i don't fucking care i don't know maybe like i think this maybe grower because if i bump into you and your pants fall down i might i won't look and go oh i'll be like nice maybe wait no Wait, no. That's a shower.

That's a shower. A shower is big. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm saying I won't look at you and say like, oh, I feel bad about myself because you're not already like full lengthening it. Right, right, right, right. But like, I don't fucking care, man. You do you.

Yeah. Nice dick. Yeah. Nice dick, man. Nice dick. Keep it up. How much? How much is too much?

Not literally. If it stays up for too long It's a problem Yes yes We have a doctor Panther's around somewhere And they'll sort you off He'll write a prescription for you

Yeah Would you prefer Oh no How much is too much dick Again I'm not too sure The amount Okay we We have a statistic

We have a statistic. We have a statistic. In the only official published study, a different study, 26% of men are growers. 26% of men are growers. Damn. That's 74 for the shower camp.

That's surprising. I'd love to know how much do you have to grow? Now, also, hold on a second. Self-reporting. Self-reporting. Yeah. Because I'm going to say, there's probably a lot of guys who are like, no, no, no, no. It gets bigger. So.

No, we can't. No, please. How much is too much dick? I think if you are uncomfortable with it and maybe in pain or something, it's personal. It's your personal dick meter. If it's too full, I don't know. It's got to go.

It's also very strange. I'm not sure what you're asking. I'm not sure if you're saying. Or is it for the guy? Is it? Or like for the dick owner? Oh, like how much would be too much dick for me? Whatever ruins my pants, man.

Like if I can't fit into my pants anymore, I don't want it. I don't know if it's true, but the rumors that the guy with the biggest dick would pass out if he got a boner, that's too much dick. That's too much dick. Right?

Like that's like Satan cursed you with like, oh, you want the biggest dick? You'll never use it. You'll be unconscious. Somebody got their hand on a genie lamp and was just like, I want the biggest dick in the world. And then when you turned around, the genie was like, yeah, fuck you.

What about girth? Same deal. If you pass out because you're getting a boner because you're so girthy, or if you can't have sex that's pleasurable for you or your partner, that's probably too much girth. Now let's flip it. Now it's going inside. Put your thing down and reverse it yeah no it's like what if what if this is a lady asking about like how much dick is like same same questions like if you're uncomfortable I guess it's too

much and it's not way for you hey maybe maybe spend a little bit more time arousing foreplay yeah that can because the the better or more lube the vaginal canal is a wonderful thing. It does crazy things. It can pop out bigger things than a dick, let me tell you that. It puts a baby out. So... Unless your dick's the size of a pretty big baby. That's too much dick.

Is that going to be our new segment? That's too much dick? Yeah. Yeah, I don't like that one bit. Yeah, I don't know why in my brain it's not just the size it's also the shape oh 100 yeah i'm thinking horrifying i'm picturing like a cabbage patch doll yeah it's fucking absolutely horrifying i fucking hate it we were doing trivia early and there's a very scary movie clip yeah and now this is scary i think this has

now replaced that clip when or when is a smelly crotch too smelly? Like in a bad way? Not too smelly in a good way. Thank you for clarifying. It can be too smelly in a good way, I guess. It can't be if it's too. If it's too anything, it's bad. Exactly.

Right? That's how words work. Again, that's going to be a personal issue because i think you can reach just a general level of filth that's gonna be bad for most people and then you have to have a shower and then you can't have sex you can't have sex it's crazy this so not a lot i guess we didn't explain this this podcast is trying to solve the age-old question how do we have sex if we have to shower but we can't when we're clean we don't know we've been trying to figure it out for six fucking years but i would love to have sex one day.

So if you guys have an answer. If you've got suggestions for us. It's a dirty dick. So I think if the odor is too strong to bear from any position, I think that's too bad. That's way too bad. That's too bad, right? I think if you're in missionary and standing and I get a whiff, uh-uh.

Yeah. Bad. Yeah. Bad. I'll give you the finger to your face at that point. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I'd be nice about it.

Yeah, I think just everyone should keep a general level of hygiene going. Don't do like a Gwyneth Paltrow goop and shove things up there that shouldn't be up there. There are pretty easy ways to keep yourself clean. Don't do like a Gwyneth Paltrow goop and shove things up there that shouldn't be up there. There are pretty easy ways to keep yourself clean. We don't have a lot. We don't like to deal in extremes in the show because every case is different. Every question is different. Every person is different.

But goop never. We like to say if Gwyneth Paltrow tells you to do something, don't do it. Don't fucking do it. Just run. Don't listen to Gwyneth Paltrow. Also, there's another part to the question. It says, also, how can you tell when a guy is circumcised? No foreskin? There's no foreskin.

There's no foreskin? Yeah. That's, yeah. That's so obvious that it is scaring me that I got it wrong. It's like when they were like, where's vodka from? Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry.

We've got another chance at this because this question is also, how can you tell if a man is circumcised? No foreskin? Okay. We got to move on. We got to move on. No, it's... Okay. I'm going to tell you a secret.

And guys, I'm really sorry. I know that when we take sort of our pledge that we're told not to divulge this information but if you want to know if a guy is circumcised you gotta kill a bear you gotta drag it out to the woods under the full moon in october bury it put the bear in the ground squeeze an orange on top of it listen closely as the wind tickles your ear and it'll whisper that's how you know I shouldn't be word speechless at my own podcast but but that's going to be the show. No.

So hear me out. I think I'm done. I think I'm tapped out. You're done? You finished? Yeah. That was a lot for you. Hear me out.

When you are literally under the gun, what is a surefire way to know if someone's a circumcised? Okay, guys. No foreskin. Get a bear. Go to the woods. Kill the bear. Bury the bear.

Orange. Bury it. October. Full moon. Come on. October full moon. Get a bear. Go to the woods. Kill the bear. Bury the bear. Orange. Bury it. October, full moon. Come on. October, full moon. Listen, wind. Would you rather have to watch your parents have sex every single night for the rest of your life or join them once to make it stop?

What the fuck? Who did this? Who did this? Who did this? The best thing is, we could use this audio. I could pretend that we showed a clip of us just beating the shit out of a kitten or something. No, you want to know what the actual best part is? Someone has crossed out a question and put this on. But the original question, this is like the best thing

i've seen all day is do you all give group discounts i have a bunch of friends who would be interested in coming to camp who did this that was not what these were for are they wait are we talking about their parents or my parents? Hey, we'll fuck your parents. Don't you worry about that. I will fuck your parents every night. Okay, look. When it says join them, can I like just be the camera person or something?

It's going to suck, but it's basically going to be the same as watching them. Can I be Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies and just smoke a cigarette? No, that's Arnold Schwarzenegger, I think, who does that in True Lies. Never mind. Look, I made a lot of movie reference tonight. Got one wrong. Fuck you guys. Exactly. Does the cook chair count? Because, like, sure. I don't know. It's going to suck either way.

We're not going to answer this question. This is something for you guys to take home with. Yeah, this is your homework. I want you... No, hold on. I want you guys to think about this. This is something for you guys to take home with. Yeah, this is your homework. I want you... No, hold on. I want you guys to think about this. Because you've asked us a lot of questions, I'm going to ask you one. I want you to think about this really hard. Can you cuck your own

father? Next question, please. No, no. Just think about it, guys. Did you ask for the next question, even though it's your turn? Yeah. That's cool. How? Oh, hey, this is a good question.

This isn't about Force Give. How has doing this podcast changed how you are intimate with your partners? That's a good question. This is a good question. Who did this one? Don't ask them. Oh, yeah, that's fair. You get a point.

The other ones were like, the questions are anonymous. Hey, it. The other ones. We're like, the questions are anonymous. Hey. We get one good one and we're like, who is it? It's a question they can choose to, no, it's a great one. I find it is very good because it's always easier to give advice than it is to take it, but it's really hard to give advice and then be a hypocrite. So if I tell someone, oh, you gotta be, you know,

you'll be communicative, you gotta like do all this shit, and then i go home and i get in an argument with my partner or something i can't then be like fuck you like i i gotta be like you know what like i read the old double things yeah like i read a question and like i was like hey don't be a dick when you're in the wrong like do this or like if you have a problem with a sexual, like you bring it up and you'd be kind and all this stuff. So it's like I would do a lot of it anyway. But doing the podcast really makes me try to like practice what I preach even more. So. Yeah, it's weird for me because I was in a relationship when we started the podcast.

And then me and that partner broke up. And towards the end of the relationship when we would have like a little bit more arguments and things were a little more tense anytime I tried to like nice anytime I try to have like a real conversation with them they would be like don't podcast me right now

and I was like you mean talk well I kind of get it because I was also there interjecting I just pop out from behind the couch and be like I know it's like that time when the bear was that yeah and we were we kind of felt like we were obligated to have a couple jokes in there as well I understand it wasn't great yeah um but I so I was single for a bit which is an interesting time in my life doing a sex and dating advice podcast while keeping that a dirty little secret from everyone.

Because the last thing you want to do is go on a date with a guy who has a podcast. And it's worse when that podcast is about sex and dating. Also, your ex's dad was on our Patreon, so it would be weird if we dumped her. The amount of money I fleeced out of her dad on

Patreon. Thank you. I c out of her dad on Patreon. Thank you. I cucked her dad. That's not what that means. So the partner I'm dating now, I was very protective about them not listening to the podcast until we hung out.

And then when we finally hung out and i was like okay you're cool you can listen to the show now that you've met me and and you have a better sense of who i am and not just like a persona on a podcast uh they then listened to like the entire fucking show they listened to like 200 and this is a good thing she's amazing she's like 210 episodes in like a very short amount of time. So when I met this person for the first time, they were like, I've heard 200 hours of your voice. And I was like, oh, no.

That's a really weird situation for me to be in. And we say, I don't know if you've noticed this, some pretty crazy shit. Some weird shit. We say some weird shit. And it's weird to go on dates with someone who's like heard me talking about fucking your dad for dominance and shit like like it's just like it's it's a weird position to be in um so it's uh it's been strange but it's it's been fun because it's nice to like my my current partner knows like probably more about my sexual history than any other partner because she's listened to the show.

Yeah. Which is kind of cool because she knows. And we also get vulnerable at times and talk about our insecurities and stuff. So she kind of front loaded. She kind of got the Wikipedia page on me and is kind of speed running our relationship a little bit in terms of getting to know me. So it's great and it's been very enjoyable to do that. Yeah, I feel like

with some partners it wouldn't have been like, I don't think anyone's like, hell yeah, my boyfriend does a sex and dating advice podcast. He's going to talk about this dick on air. But they're both great and very supportive and that's awesome. So, yeah. Thanks.

The person who wrote this has the coolest fucking handwriting, and it looks like it's printed, and I love it. Yeah, your writing should be a font. No. I've been single for almost 10 years. I want to date,

but don't want to do online dating. How can I meet someone organically? I mean, there's a pretty cool thing that you can do. It's usually on weekends where you go up to camp and meet just a bunch of like random people and you kind of like lower your inhibitions you drink you dance is that the place with the really cool people okay and the really cool like you could build a fucking rocket with someone in the sunshine and then like when someone's like oh

how did you guys meet you'd be like missile dick yeah oh what's what's your story missile dick what's your story oh we sent missile dick to the fucking moon yeah we don't know if missile dick is still in the air people touchdown i don't know it's still in a tree i think camp is a great way to do it i think like the good thing about being single is you have a little bit more time to spend on yourself so you can do both you can spend time doing the things you want to do and building yourself up and making yourself happy while meeting other people and that's by you know getting a hobby doing a class like finding a thing that you love and i don't mean pick a class you think people will be there at that you'll hook up with

or whatever. I mean like if you've always wanted to fucking go knitting or play D&D or go kickboxing or something, you go do that thing. Because worst case, there aren't people you wanna date there, but you're gonna be happier, more fulfilled, out more, meet new people, make friends, and those are all great ways to find someone to date.

I've got a best friend who's got a single cute roommate. And it's like, it's all interconnected, right? Or I go out for a fucking beer with that new best friend. And then we're knitting girls out in the town. Or fucking D&D boys are knitting boys. Or D&D girls or whatever. Yeah, whatever. Everybody.

Whatever it is. I think the most important thing to do when you're looking to intentionally date is not is to try not to date like it the second you start trying to do a thing uh especially dating is when and we talk about all the time it's like you know you start putting the fucking round peg through the square hole just because like just because you could make it fit doesn't mean that's where it's supposed to go yeah and like if you go out on a night out and your focus is i gotta find somebody i gotta fucking like they're gonna smell it off you and it's and they're going to be a little scared. And you're probably not going to be you either, because you're not enjoying yourself.

And when someone's enjoying themselves, they're fun to be around. If you're just like, you? Could it be you? I mean, think about it like, when you're hungry, the only thing you want is food, right? So it's like, you're not... Like, hanger is a is food, right? So it's like you're not – like hanger is a real thing. For me, for sure. I think loneliness has that sort of same effect on people where they start sort of like watering down who they are to make themselves more palatable to the wrong option. Yeah. And I think that's a really bad thing that we do,

especially as men. Oh, for sure. It's very rare that men get a chance to have a platonic, emotionally satisfying relationship. They almost always come in a romantic sense or a sexual sense. And also, almost every single advice for men out there is like, lie.

Don't be you come up with this. Here's this eight list of things. Every man should say what? No. Yeah. And it's like, so then it's like, okay,

great. You got laid, but you probably the person that isn't you. Yeah. So it's like, great. Your weird alter ego has gotten laid. Yeah.

And you also probably didn't enjoy it. Cause that whole time you were like, wait, what was my story? How much football did I like shit yeah you know yeah or like literally we get people all the timing like I intentionally make my voice deeper when I'm out and it's like yeah no that's you're gonna no one's having fun when they're like yes do you see I love man stuff and bears so I just got to go do my prescribed push-ups

yeah so don't do that and good luck just I really want to stress don't make yourself less of who you are to fit into someone else's expectations

and like look for the person not the relationship because if you're just like, I need a boyfriend or I need a girlfriend or whatever, you're gonna grab at the options that become available. Whereas if you're like, oh, I want someone who's gonna fulfill me and be nice. And you know, that's when you find the good relationship.

Yeah. And have fun. I was in my past relationship for seven years. And when we broke up, I was like, oh, I'm not doing this again for a while. This is going to be good. I'm going to have a great time. And then like a year and two months later, I'm living with a partner and deeply and madly in love.

They fucking rock. Yeah. So it's weird. It's weird. It's like I certainly was not looking for that. And it just kind of happened. And it was like you come to recognize important people and good opportunities and you take them. So like don't look for dates.

Don't look for a boyfriend. Don't look for a partner. Embrace yourself. Invest in the meaningful relationships that you do have, your platonic friends, your parents, your family, whatever. Invest in those things and those will pay dividends far better than finding someone at a bar for one night. Yeah.

I feel like this is kind of a fucking kick-ass question to pull at this point. Was it you? What makes you guys qualified to answer your questions? Shit, they found out we're frauds. Run. So that is a really good question. It is. It's a great question.

I guess we didn't say it today, but we say it often and we definitely start our very first episode saying it. We are not professionals. We are not, you know, therapists. We're not doctors. Or doctors. And a lot of the time our advice is, hey, go see a doctor. It shouldn't be that color. Or, you know, see a therapist. You keep flipping off your fucking husband in the mirror.

But I think it's a weird question because it's really hard to self-qualify. I think when we started the podcast, a lot of people had told us to do it because we worked in bars and like would end up being in situations and being with people and being around people and giving advice and

generally just getting a good response and like do you know how few people are asked to start a podcast most people say don't please yeah do you know any people are like hey white guys you know you know you guys really need to do yeah yeah I mean I I told the i i'm not going to tell it right now because it's long and we've talked about a bunch on the the podcast but i told some people like at the end of the day we we recognized there was a gap in uh male voices that were amplifying the struggles of uh predominantly women who and female presenting folk who have been struggling for a very long time and have been sort of like shouting from the rooftops uh various messages and then like they only get so far because there

isn't a chorus of men who are people uh you know in positions of privilege and power of of like carrying that message uh closer to where it needs to go the complete fucking opposite most male-led like sex and dating advice shit is absolute harrowing trash. Yeah. You know? If you see the seduction subreddit, just don't. Don't ever look at that.

It's horrifying. Fucking Andrew Tate. Fuck that dude. Fuck that guy. Thank you. Yeah, there it is. Garbage piece of shit. So that's kind of what the field is.

And there are some great female or, female or female presenting led podcasts. And, like, gay men out there doing, like, just a lot of other stuff. And then the straight men are fucking dropping the ball. Yeah, we're just going to be like, we agree. And it's like, that's a little quieter, though. Yeah, we agree. Promise. Yeah.

And it's just not enough. Yeah, so to be qualified in that way is like even if we just lend a little bit of positivity i think that's that's pretty good but then we also won a bunch of awards so yeah the good thing is now i can point to that and be like yay because it was always a fun thing like if someone's like oh what are you doing or if you get in the chat when you bring up your podcast and you see the light go out in someone's eyes especially if you're like yeah my sex and dating but they're like god fucking damn it no so like trying to be like no i promise it's good it's like yeah i would say that wouldn't i but if i can point if i can point another ward and be like other people think it too, that's pretty good.

Yeah. And before I move, I just want to make one more point on that guy. And it's that we have a lot of incredible women in our lives. And a lot of the things that we've learned, especially on this topic, is from those incredible women and it's it's a lot of life advice and a lot of things that I think a lot of people tend to reject especially men especially straight men so it's a lot of stuff that has been internalized and learned and mostly also at the the cost of like deep programming and unlearning and sort of like retraining our bodies and minds to to think differently um and

that is uh in part uh by our you know our our strong female friends our strong uh lgbt plus q friends like they're all incredible people that we have learned a lot from and and we we work very hard to protect and keep safe yeah and we also do keep like a pretty open like conversation going with our audience so you know there have been times if we don't fully cover a topic or say something in any way wrong like we're we're willing to be like i have for sure and like people are really cool to reach out and let us know if that happens or conversely to be like hey thank you thanks for saying that thanks for having that guest on thanks for doing whatever so you know we try to keep it going yeah it, it's a conversation. We're going to be wrong eventually.

Or rank it. I'm not sure the bear thing he said earlier was true. Yeah. I meant that up. How can you tell if a boy has a turtleneck, i.e. his weenie has a cover? Who did this? Okay, I've got one more.

Why aren't you sure? Did they do a half job? His foreskin's a grower? Final question from the audience. And then I have a little game we're going to play real quick. Which is audience participation. Because you guys have been so silent. You guys are amazing. Yeah.

How do you know if a guy's little mushroom has a turtleneck or not? Great. Thank you. God fucking damn it. Hey, friends. Friends. If these are real questions. If you actually are not sure please

approach me we will take you behind the dance hall and show you each of our dicks yeah we kind of got the one of each happening and and you can fill out the form at the end to guess which one's which yeah that's the thing it's like maybe they maybe the question isn't oh no oh no maybe the question isn't like how do i know if they're circumcised or not maybe they don't know what circumcised is yeah right like maybe they maybe what if they don't know if they're circumcised or not they just're just staring down at it and like, What is this? What is girth?

What is girth? Okay, I've got a game. And the way this is going to work, don't you fucking dare look at my phone. I'm going to look at these beautiful people. I will feed you to the bear in the woods if you look. He's right people. I will feed you to the bear in the woods if you look. He's right there. I.

Oh, oh shit. Okay, never mind. This just in. Anonymous. Anonymous. Everyone close your eyes. Close your eyes and hate yourself once or twice and then see if it goes away. Look, I don't think we're remembering this night.

It's about a fucking fort. No, it goes away. Look, I don't think we're remembering this night. It's about a fucking fort. No, it's not. What is the biggest misunderstanding slash misconception in dating that needs to be clarified? Okay. I had this conversation with someone, with some lovely folk last night. I think the biggest problem these days is boundary setting. And they were asking me, it's like,

how does a fuck buddy stay a fuck buddy? And there's really no way of like, you can't control another person's feeling. You can't control your feelings. There's nothing you can do to lock that in and it's never going to change. However, I think a lot of people, one, don't really have that conversation of putting your cards on your table and being like,

hey, I'm not looking for anything serious right now. I'm just looking for something casual, specifically mostly sexual. Maybe we'll grab a drink beforehand or whatever, but it's going to be very casual. I'm not looking for anything romantic. I'm not looking for anything committed. And I think that people are worried

that that's going to scare people away, that people don't want to hear that. And I think that's dumb because if that's what you want, it's going to be people away. That people don't want to hear that. And I think that's dumb because if that's what you want, it's going to be what ends up happening anyway. And then you've just wasted everyone's time. So I think it's important to sort of like put your cards on the table immediately.

Communication is key. I think the problem nowadays, the biggest sort of misunderstanding is the fact that like, just because you've done it once doesn't mean fucking anything because things change relationships change dynamics change people's circumstances change and like people's circumcisions change oh my god um and so like just because when you guys met

two months ago you were both like yeah yeah, I want to be casual. If you're a fucking kick-ass person and this person has become enamored with you and has started catching feelings, it's the responsibility of both people to kind of like check in. And if you start like feeling like they are catching feelings, it's just as much of your responsibility to be like hey look i think we need to talk i think we need to like kind of check in just really quick and just be like how are you feeling about the relationship here's where i am at yeah and don't for the love of never don't hey listen if you take anything away from this yeah write this down write this down scrape it into your arm everyone write this down yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah never ask someone say it with me what are we

don't do it don't don't do it because if you're asking that question you have something in mind you either want them to say i want to be more or you want them to be like oh don't worry we're still casual so say it yeah say what you want and then they can meet you on that field of honesty and it's going to be fucking good for everybody you're asking a question that is actually a statement that you want to make yes you want to say i don't want this to change or i want this to change yes but you've been like no it's your choice deal with it and they, shit, what do they want me to say? They might be like, damn, I like them, but I don't want to scare them away.

So I'm going to say casual. And then you're both fucking miserable. And then you're like, I'm just going to guess what I think is the answer as opposed to giving an honest answer. No. Just have the fucking courage and the respect and the courtesy to be up front. And it's good for you, too. That's the best part. It's great for you. too. That's the best part. It's great for you.

Yeah. Fucking win-win. I will say one of the biggest misunderstandings, misconceptions on the male side of shit is that dating is like, do these three things. Women are these two things. No, that's not how life fucking works. Women aren't like, oh, you're on level five?

You go up, down, left, right. No, it's not a cheat code. It's not a, and I hate seeing these step-by-step guides. And I know people do it because they're assholes. And also because it's a lot easier to market a, like a plan of like two, five things as opposed to us, which is like, hey, it's, it's fucking gray area, man. You got to be chill. And it's like, no one wants to hear that.

It's fucking brain jazz, like figure it out. Yeah. No one wants to hear that because that's hard, but that's what dating is. And it's like no one wants to hear it brain jazz right like figure it out yeah no one wants to hear that because that's hard but that's what dating is and it's also great and people aren't just four fucking steps and the more you do that the more the person doing it looks like an asshole and then gets bitter when they get rejected yeah or you're just devaluing people into these four fucking things and you suck so don't do it um also i'm just gonna throw this one in real quick i think a lot of people don't understand what circumcision is i just why why do you think that i don't just a feeling just a feeling just a feeling that i get on what may or may not be my foreskin don't still not sure. Okay, here's my game. And ultimately, because this is our show, fuck you guys.

We love you so much. We love you guys. Thank you. Niall is going to guess, but you guys can help in this decision making. I don't know what it is, but please. Hell yeah. Well, you're here, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to read a small segment of a dating profile. Okay. And you're going to have to guess if it was a man or a woman. Okay. Now, no non-binary folk in there? No? Not in terms of what I came across. Okay, okay.

There was no indication of such. I'm so scared. Yeah, this is... You guys gotta help me. Hey, let me tell you, I went through these profiles. Yeah, are they confused about circumcision? Is that... So the first clue, the first clip, the first quote.

So wait, just the clip? This is just a clip just to see how it feels. Yeah. You deserve good things and I want to be one of them. I'm thinking man. I'm thinking man. I'm thinking man. I'm hoping woman. What a bad way to answer that question. It's man.

It is a woman. I love being an optimist. That's great. If you don't have traditional values, swipe left. I think it's a woman. What do we think?

What do we think? We're just getting thumbs down. Conservative. No, I think it's a woman. This is a man. Okay, man. Yeah, I tricked you on that one. Yeah.

The full profile, if you don't have traditional values, swipe left. If you don't have a job, swipe left. If you don't have a job, swipe left. If you don't have morals, swipe left. If you have kids, swipe left. Fucking winner right there. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. This one, I know you're just here for the titties, and I'm okay with that. Man, man for sure.

It's a man for sure. Thinking it's a man, hoping it's a man. It's a man. Yeah. We fucking did it. Sherlock's out here. That was literally my profile. Yeah, this was sent into us from the audience. This is, again, this is just a snippet of a profile.

My ideal partner is a single parent, or at least you will be when I abandon you I'm gonna say woman I'm gonna say woman I'm gonna go contrary to what it might seem Because that's kind of funny Alright, I'm gonna Round of applause if you if it's Alright, I'm going to round of applause

if you think it's a man. Round of applause if you think it's a woman. No, that's my boy doing the man side proud. The full profile is I don't really care about you or the kid will eventually

have. I already have several kids and I will be having more to ensure my bloodline remains strong. Damn. Yeah. Like, that's a very concise way to say you suck the most.

I would love to know if this guy has ever gotten a match in his life. I assume, anytime I get profiles like this, I assume it is the partner of who's recently been scorned has gotten a hold. I fucking hope so. Right? I fucking hope so.

And it's like, fuck this guy. She's got like eight kids and she's like, hold on, I gotta fuck over daddy. There's no way of knowing. We gotta ask the bear later. I don't know. Okay. Respect me.

Only anal. About me. I'm tall, dark, and handsome. Love long walks on the beach and Netflix. I feel like you're fucking with me. I'm going woman. I'm going woman. Man, round of applause.

Woman. Okay. That's a pretty even smattering. This is a lady. I knew it. I fucking knew it. My kids come first. No hookups.

I'm on Tinder in hopes of meeting my soulmate. And then three barfing emojis, which is pretty cool. That's pretty cool. OMG, check out my tits. Hot girl summer, am I right? Respect me, only about anal. I'm a tall, dark hand. Blah, blah, blah.

Looking for my Prince Charming? If you don't like a thick and curvy, keep swiping, honey. My couch pulls out, but I don't. It's really wild to be like, hey, no hookups. Anal only, I never pull out. If you expect me to take someone I met on Tinder to my mother, you're mistaken. I'm an

asshole. Proceed with caution, raw dog. Damn, what the fuck? It literally sounds like impossible. There's a very good chance this is an ai profile yeah this is google's new chad ai this is this is like a siamese twin or like a conjoined twin just man and female passing the phone back and forth being like my kids come first. Anal only. There are two people inside of you. Yeah, this is... Okay, so I'm going to...

There's a couple of here where I'm going to censor a word because it makes it very obvious who it is. Okay. Been described as a manipulative, lying, cheating, stealing, blank. I guess it was. Damn! Damn! been described as a manipulative, lying, cheating, stealing, blank. Damn! Well, we found the person who edited this profile. I'll drink to that.

Oh, boy. Hey, I'm just going gonna give you. Yeah, it was a woman. Yeah. Yeah, you got it. Damn. Now, I'm kind of stepping on your toes here a little bit. How fucking dare you? Your dimpled skin. As my breath sweeps across

your soft folds My fingers pulling your back As your skin is immediately chilled and excited Rising as it tingles I take a deep breath inhaling your sweet scent It brings a low moan of delight to my hungry mouth Hungry mouth I lick my lips as I savored your scent

Another deep draw and my mouth is watering hungry mouth. Hungry mouth? I lick my lips as I savored your scent. Another deep draw and my mouth is watering. I can't wait to have you. My tongue enjoying you. Three barf emojis! Yeah, I think that's some barf emojis. Everyone's shivering and it's not cause of the cold.

It's also not cause of the horny either. I'm pretty sure. A little bit i could read it again if anyone wants yeah read it slower i'm gonna say it's a guy because i'm i'm gonna say it's a guy it's probably not because i think you're fucking with me but men are very good at writing terrible shit like that So the most incredible thing about all this was out of all the profiles I pulled, it was I've never had a more

clear definition. This one says specifically straight man. Yeah, dude, we know. Yeah, we figured it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it. We get it. We get it. We get it. Okay, I think this is my last one. Yeah, this is my last one. Nudes are overrated. Send me a video of

you reading out loud so I know you're not fucking stupid. I think it's a guy. All right, who thinks it's a guy? Don't clap. Boo if you think it's a guy. It's tough. It's a tough one to ask for, guys. Who thinks it's a lady?

The ladies have it. Ew. Okay. All right. The rest I have are just so fucking obvious. If you support vaccines, woke, or pronouns, I will call you a retarded sheep. No, no, no. Gee, I wonder who that could be.

I wonder. Tinder time? I think it's Tinder time. Yeah, okay. Or one more question. Yeah, let's do one more question. Do you guys want one more question? Okay, we'll do one more question.

For you. For you. This is work for us, by the way. one more question do you guys want one more question okay we'll do one more question for you for you this is work for us by the way like yeah this is a drag it's like looking at someone who just built a house and be like another one please uh this by unlikely unlikely strategy 596 girl i took on the date thinks i'm involved in crime i met this girl in a brand new city she was really cute and my type i was very honest and said i was into her and wanted to take her out she said yes took her to a nice place at the heart of the city she did raise some questions about what i do for work and i told her i do business in eastern europe you know romania russia ukraine etc very vague she got a little off guard as to why those countries but i reassured her it

was just commodities movement into north america next thing was i only paid cash it was a large sum of cash i was carrying u.s currency i'm located in canada so it's what i had on me and i did lose my credit card she seemed to like me but was skeptical she seemed to be attracted to it and made comments about me being a gangster due to having business all the way from eastern europe as someone who's not from there she commented about my rolex i was also wearing a suit another thing is i'm early 20s my question is should i have gone into more detail or is this totally out of proportion oh there's there's more details there i did show up a little early with a briefcase and handed it off to the waiter

where he gave me an envelope of cash. Which I ate and then pulled my gun out. Yeah. Then proceeded to clean my AK-47 on the table. Yeah, I mean, like, dude, you gotta know. You gotta know. You gotta know. You gotta fucking know. And, like, I understand it's your fucking job, right?

Like, times are tough. But are they? He has a fucking Rolex. Okay, what I'm saying is... Commodities movement? That's nothing. Look, regardless of whether this... Regardless of this man is fucking, like like dogs of warring it or not,

you've got to recognize it, right? Like you have to like look at the, like, like I was war dogs. Is that what you're thinking? Look to two movie references now. All right, guys, I think I'm still batting pretty good. Update the counter. Yeah. Again,

like I was aware of the fact that i was a white straight man with a sex and dating advice podcast i made sure that when i was dating that was a part of my it was in my back pocket right like i knew that that was ammunition to be used against me if you're a guy in your 20s paying large fucking sums of money wrong currency let's be fucking fair as well like also like why are you going on a date with someone if you're from canada in the u.s like what other way around he's in canada with only u.s dollars oh it's a bad call yeah that's like never okay you're a douchebag man i'm sorry also like if you're even telling us in the fucking question i I work here and there.

Very vague. Don't keep it vague, and maybe that'll be fucking better. If you're like, I do things in places. Here's my Rolex. I'm 21. Yeah, I move things from one place to another. What was it to you? Let's just say Eastern Europe.

Wink. It's like, yeah, dude. That's criminal talk. Yeah, some of the things I move might kill people, wink. It's not drugs, wink. I mean, like, again, you have to know, and if this is your actual

circumstances, if you have just stumbled into a sort of like hilariously bad job in terms of optics. Yeah, that's fucking funny and you should know that. Know that. That's power.

That's ammunition in your back pocket in a good way. And use it. Your social AK-47, that'll fucking do you well tonight. Invade her heart with your commodity of knowledge. Just bust right in.

Yeah. All right. We're coming to the end which means it is tinder time Dane kind of brought us a little like a little soft taste a little and a moose moose moose bush of tinder but here's a little wrench for you Americans oh damn damn Jesus Christ I've had drinks. I don't know this guy. So here's how it's going to work. I'm going to read out a profile. You are all going to go, woo, if you like it, or boo, if you don't like it. Dane will then rate it.

We'll have a great time. I'm going to start with this. So this is a, and we have a few from people in this very camp. And I won't tell you which ones are which, but I hope you can guess. This is a hinge prompt. My BFF's take on why you should date me. Blank will provide baked goods and bomb dinners to those above six feet tall. She will talk to you about the most random fun facts for those with good banter.

Lauren overall brings the cozy vibes for those interested. 10 out of 10, girl. Yeah. Yeah. Lackluster boo works because it's not ultra shit, but the height thing, bad. Bad. Also, just like, I don't't love the whole this is what my friend thinks wink it's you we know it's fucking you well i i think that is a prompt right that is

what's a shit fucking prompt okay um okay sorry before let's let's do a quick a quick question there was exactly yeah yeah yeah they chose to oh hey let me tell you there's a long history on the show of people picking a prompt that they clearly did not understand yeah my favorite is the it's like the deal-breaker one no like the thing you should know about me is you don't know me okay what are you doing why are you waiting with the prompt one my favorites. The number one thing you should know about me. Ask me. We just fucking did. You asked yourself and failed.

Yeah, you don't even want to answer your own question. Why do I care? What's the rating? What's the rating? 10 out of 10, girl? That's what they say. Who can argue with that then? No, that's it. I'm going to give it. It's our job? No, I'm going to give it a two.

Okay. And I'll tell you why. There's always racists. Yes. Yeah. Right? I want to leave a little bit of racist wiggle room. Like some...

The racist bottom, yeah. Yeah. Unless you break through some barriers, we really can't put you below a two or a three. I did fuck up a little bit. We have a question that I missed because it was sent in through electronic means. Hit it.

Question. How would you deal with a roommate who keeps flirting? Okay. Okay. I've been there. No, I was the roommate the roommate dane was the other roommate you start a podcast it kills all sexual tension oh yeah yeah yeah guys it just made it more sexually tense i'm telling you no we're left with that everyone was just like yeah yeah no we get it

uh there there are a lot of things at play here one how long are you gonna live there for two how much do you want to move three how much is rent how much is rent like is it a good place is a good rant are they a good roommate because i'm gonna tell you it's probably not worth not worth it i've been there it was fun i was lucky it was a very short-term lease and i could move on and they were cool and it was all good but it doesn't usually end that way very rarely does like fucking your roommate fucking your co-worker fucking your boss neighbor neighbor yeah that usually goes pretty good right it went well for me um for a while there it is there is. Yeah, like usually there's a term that a lot of people use, and it's you don't shit where you eat.

I don't know why people are shitting on the people they're sleeping with, but I'm not here to yuck anyone's yums. But I think it's important to be like, these are spheres that shouldn't be fucked by my penis. And it's like home life, work life. I think I shouldn't really well they can you just if you're going to do it you need to know what you're getting into and willingly and consciously take that risk knowing the pros and cons of being respectful

because also are you sure they're flirting are they just a nice person yeah you gotta be really clear before you just fucking bust out your exactly no one can tell we don't know yeah nobody fucking knows no way of knowing that's the worst part so step one you gotta be careful step two you gotta know you're getting into and be willing for it to go south that's yeah's, yeah. I was about to, sorry guys. Dude, stop getting distracted. There's a bug like breakdancing on the floor over there and I thought it was flipped over. It's two things boning.

It's just, they're fucking and I don't blame them given how sexy this show is. It's just doing its thing. I was worried it was dying. And you were gonna kill it? No, I was gonna get a paper under it and go... Okay.

Just get it airborne again. Back to Tinder. Yeah. We're gonna fucking start firing these at you real quick. Real fucking fast. I bet you can't is the prompt. Twist your feet like I can a full 180 degrees. Oh, they got eagle head feet.

Evil head feet, yeah. No, eagle. Oh. Also evil because, you know, people are possessed Yeah Hey, when we were talking about how to approach men Don't do that Don't do it with your feet backwards

Because that's pretty fucked up I'm sorry, I've made this whole show about this bug now And it's the worst thing I've ever done in my career. That was so good. Sometimes I hate that the camera's facing this way. Woos or boos, guys, for the twisty feet? Not into the twisty feet. We got some on means.

I don't know. There's some foot freaks out there. Yeah. Hey, look. I'm sure Quentin Tarantino would love her. That's actually their name. No.

This is a... This is a two-parter. If you're 5'8 or above height, good sense of humor, and guts to tell world about me after two years, and if you have walking closet,

then I am already yours. And the second part, a fun fact I'm obsessed with, walking closet. We're not playing that game anymore. But yes. It is a lady. Hey, girl, let me just tell you this. My walking closet is a podcast studio.

Yeah. That's what we record in a very small hot closet. Oh, you know, we got attacked by a bee a month ago and it was, it's on audio. Am I just like a bug whisperer? Dane on task.

Okay. Boozer. Wooze. Damn. They hate walking closets. Fucking hate them. Can't stand those things. Uh, okay. Hold on. I'm going to give you my last one. Then you can give me your, okay. they hate walking closets fucking hate them can't stand those things uh okay hold on i'm gonna give

you my last one then you can give me your okay this is their profile picture because we will talk about occasionally if it's you know pertinent it's a man he is wearing a cowboy hat he has a handful of grass he is posing next to a cow that is trying to make its way around his head to eat said grass. Yeah. Okay. So already we got a tentative woo. His profile says, I keep 20 heifers satisfied on a daily basis.

Looking to make that 21. This is, this is this is this is good it's it's pretty good it's powerful the problem like heifers is a weird term but like you know what like that's i mean i'm never a fan of of People are enjoying the joke, so I think, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah. I think there's enough humor in this that I don't... And it's a cute fucking cow. He's got 19 more.

Yeah. That's pretty cool. That's pretty fucking cool. It's hard for me, as a born and raised feminist, to applaud anyone that refers to women as animals. So I'm going to give it a five. I'm going to give it right down the middle.

It's a funny joke. Don't love the misogyny. Let's find a way to, you know, he could have said ladies. I keep 21 ladies, please that's fair cows are not men damn they got really aggressive on that one all right hit me with yours uh yeah which are yeah bulls are the yeah heif heifers, I believe, are specifically... So this is our agriculture podcast. But again, we are your bull buddies.

Y'all are the Americans. Y'all are the... We can... Guys, we can't devolve this close to the end. I don't have the prompt listing for this, so I don't know what the prompt is, but... What else is going to eat that guy?

Rain on the window with a good book. Hot shower after work. Lying in my hammock listening to the birds in the backyard. It's essentially... Sorry, my BFF's take on why you should date me. It's essentially like having a German shepherd. You'll feel safe, get dragged on lots of walks, and watch my face light up with genuine excitement

every time you come back into the room. I think I take back what I said about hitting that prompt because that was fucking adorable. Yeah, that's... I mean, that just goes to show the versatility of the prompts if you're not a fucking idiot.

I'm looking for someone who is honest with their emotion, enjoys going on dates, doesn't mind physical affection, and ideally has something childish or silly that brings them joy. What do we think, guys? Woo or boo?

I agree. The personality, the warmth, the kindness, it's fucking great. It's also specific, which I find a lot of prompts suffer from. They're just like, I like walks. We all fucking just like, I like walks. Okay, we all fucking like walks.

I like books. Yeah, we... I like movies. Great, fucking... What are you doing? This is good. It gives me your personality. You seem fucking lovely.

We don't talk about pictures, but you're killing it. Yeah, the pictures are great. It's a nine, 9.5. I'm gonna... So here's... I'm gonna be... I don't think... It's a very good profile.

Yeah. But I'm gonna nitpick. don't think, it's a very good profile. Yeah. But I'm going to nitpick. Yeah, do it. Your final prompt. Someone who is honest with their intentions, easygoing, or enjoys going on dates, doesn't mind physical affection. The last little bit. The last two.

Great. Keep those. Someone who's honest with their emotions and going on dates. You've described what everybody wants. Yeah. It's the opposite of what I see. No one's like, hey, you know what I'd love?

A fucking liar who doesn't want to go fucking anywhere. Never wants to fucking leave the house. So I think you need to be more specific in that. I think get rid of honest with their intentions. I think like... Yeah, no one wants a liar. No one...

And like it's tough because like I would be like, oh, good communicator. Yes, everyone wants that. I think like yeah no one wants a liar no one and like it's tough because like I would be like oh good communicator yes everyone wants that I think there are things that you don't need to list in our dating profiles anymore and it's like

honest chemistry good communication like someone I like who's fun those are all things I'm looking for an attractive

yeah of course you are that's why you're there I think there's a lot of stuff that we can just like just assume is known toss it to the side. And if someone comes in and is like, yo, I lie like shit. You'd be like, all right, well, not for me. So I think like the only twist I would put is get rid of that first little bit.

And then when you say you enjoy going on dates, give some example of dates that you like to go on. You know, like if you've already given us a lot of flavor and I'm worried that the dessert, that last prompt, isn't as tasty as the main course. That's a really good point. Yeah, so if you like to go on X type of dates,

say that instead of likes going on dates. If your dates are like likes going to a fucking movie night in the park, say that. Yeah. Okay. This is my last profile and then we're getting the fuck out of here. We're going to do some karaoke.

Hell yeah. I get way too excited about traveling. I love visiting new places to learn about the culture, try new foods, and explore as much as possible. My goal is to visit

a new country each year. I'm going to stop right here and be like, this is how you make a post about traveling. Yes. This is, I fucking hate when people like i like traveling yeah that's a nothing cool what does that mean who doesn't to what uh this is this is what we talk about when we talk about like specificity and details and like you you've told me why you like traveling and you've given an option to be like cool where did you go this year where did

you go last year where what's the place you're looking to go to the most like there's a hook every like every prompt and it's a fun fucking hook yeah every best part should give someone a reason to message you and that's a great message that's a great that's a great hook a non-negotiable i will not be having babies if you know you want to be a dad to a human child i'm not the girl for you fur babies however are more than welcome. We'll get along if you're honest, open-minded, and genuinely care about others. You enjoy trying new things. You believe in

science and equal rights. I think this is all the same thing. Bio, I'm a mid-30-something medical professional who loves to travel, try new foods, go to concerts, sing karaoke, and dominate at bar trivia. Hell yeah no kids and will not be having any never married so it's funny because we do have moments of like needing more specificity or superfluous shit like open honest whatever we

want that it saddens me that you have the thing and it's not because of you it's because we need to have like beliefs in science i do think that's really necessary i think it's not because of you. It's because we need to have like beliefs in science. I do think that's really necessary. I think it's a thing that we shouldn't have to put in, but that is essential and it'll probably weed out the pieces of shit.

I think like, again, I just want to go back to the like, you're honest, open-minded, generally care about others. We all want that in our partners.

Get rid of that. Try to find a little bit more flavor, a little more personality. Also like, one more thing thing because like trying new things is a great thing and believing in science and equal rights also i think that's a great litmus test to sort of like skim the fucking shit from the top of the bile um so just try to find another like little fun fun something and i think if you're gonna have you in your bio that you're not looking for kids I think you could find a more fun prompt than the non-negotiable part. I think

putting it in twice is a little redundant and you've yes but I think you've got like you've shown a lot of personality. But hey if you put it in once and it doesn't work that's a good litmus test on whether you want to date that fucker so yeah and i think that's also a great

conversation to have sort of like further into the relationship as well and i don't mean like way further in but i think it's i don't think it's a necessary thing to talk about like right off the bat but you've got it included in there right off the bat which i think is is a good jumping off point um and there's you know there's there's ways to bring it up later i think i think a nine yeah it's a solid ass i really like this yeah uh okay we are nearing the end of the show we are and before we get too far i just want to say a huge thank you to camp halcyon for having us out. This has been a fucking blast.

This has been great. You guys have been amazing. It's been a great weekend. A big thank to Timber Tops for hosting the camp as well. I didn't think that we would get to play in a cabin theater and this kicks ass. Yeah. And they've also

been very, very great. I think that's kind of it. You guys have been amazing. Thank you to all the Halcyon staff. Dave heard the sound. Also, I don't know if Dave is Dave has been an absolute fucking hero. Yeah. Dave Dave, you fucking legend. Yeah.

From start to finish, you've been amazing. Yeah. I love you. So thank you. Dave works. Everyone's been amazing yeah i just i love you so thank you dave works everyone's been amazing but dave yeah uh what are we gonna sing karaoke you're about to fucking find out what aren't we gonna sing let's go for it yeah yeah okay Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. No, for sure, why? Now, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, for sure, why? Are you comfortable coming up and asking in the microphone so we can record it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please, please, please. Please. You can come right into mine.

So if you needed to know for like for sure if somebody was like circumcised or not, what would your advice be for that? So I love that this is like, we always get the same question. And now we finally have something brand new. So there's a really easy way to tell. And you get a bear. You got to kill a bear. You drag the bear. The bear we tried to find earlier, because there's a few

people I'm not sure about. We tried to figure it out for you. The bear got away. You chased him off with a golf cart. Good job. Thanks. Now no one knows who's circumcised and who fucking isn't. We'll never know. I will say, we do this podcast every Monday on every podcast

app imaginable. If you look us up, it's f star ck buddies you can also just search like f like fuck buddies podcast please for the love of fucking god put podcasts at the end of the fucking thing you're not you'll get some bad songs you'll you won't get porn you'll just get bad songs yeah um our our qr code was shit sorry it was working like a week ago but anyway we love you guys it's been amazing thank you josh eagle and the harvard cities for their song paper stars and i will say we've got one more bit we got one more bit and everyone has to get comfortable for it because that's how it works this is our bad sex writing segment you gotta wiggle in your seat get a little it's not about circumcision

i couldn't read the future if i could this would have been really funny but no this is about a ukulele uh so this is a tinder exchange everyone comfy you comfy dame i am yeah he writes hey i bought a ukulele. Three hours later, she writes, I'm so sorry. I forgot to reply, but that's the coolest thing I've read all day. Four hours later, he says, you're okay, lol. I just think you're the cutest girl I've ever seen on Tinder. Like, you are so endearing.

I look at your pics, and I just want to make you feel good. Give you a lengthy, deep tissue body massage with hot oil. Then worship your holes with my tongue and throbbing cock. She doesn't respond. Six hours later, I'm really good at ukulele. I had to sell my instruments to pay my dog's medical bills a couple years ago. I finally replaced my ukulele. Thank you very much, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spang.

And we've been your fuck buddies. Thank you very much, go Halcyon!