F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 5 - The Dickly Hallows

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

Carve your pumpkins, find a random profession to turn sexy, and get ready to sink your fangs into our Halloween Spooktacular!  That's right, this week, just in time for everyone's favourite holiday, we're skipping the tricks and treating you to nothing but the best dating and sex advice on the Internet!  Topics include the invincible Horcrux, conversations with strangers, semen fight club and a surprise guest visitor!

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I'm Miles Fank And we are your fuck buddies Welcome back

We are a dating and sex advice podcast Where we turn your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. I was going to say spooky situations. We take your spooky, sticky, sexy situations and turn them into spooky or sexy or sticky situations. I almost got there. There was a lot of S's in there. Fuck you. It was fucking beautiful. Yeah, this is your place for ectoplasm all over your situation.

Yeah, we're going to just fucking slime advice all over you. We're going to sink our fangs of advice into you. We're going to suck out the blood of problematic behaviors. We're going to howl at the advice moon. Which is you, you beautiful bitch As you can tell, this is our Halloween episode Yeah, welcome back guys, how's it going? I'm not going to answer you this time

This time it was for you Nope, you burnt that bridge Wow, okay, well, how is everyone at home doing? How are you doing today? Yeah, this is our spooky, spooky, spooky episode. I'm flying out to New Orleans tomorrow. That's so sad. I don't want you to go.

It's the home of voodoo. It is. And gumbo and beignets and cajun music and crocodiles do you remember that time once walking home where we found the guy's phone and then we called the guy and we're trying to get the phone back to him and then when his friend did call us the friend's name was bone daddy i'll bet he's from new orleans 100 yeah 100 from new orleans i also still want to know what the story was with that maybe i don't also that was terrifying yeah no you like you don't want to fuck with bone daddy no imagine just from your voice he has constructed a voodoo doll every pain you've ever felt

from then till now has been the result of bone daddy probably why i didn't sleep last night and had that weird ass dream um but yeah like the fear of like standing at a corner at 2 a.m. in the dark waiting for an unnamed... Well, not unnamed because I wish he was unnamed. His name is Bone Daddy. He was coming to get me. He was coming to get the phone. That's what he wants you to think. And then he touched you and he got your essence.

It was just two really high guys. So that was actually kind of adorable. Anyway, we're here. We've got spooky questions. I'm going to start it off. Oh, no. With the creepiest thing you could imagine. What is it, guess?

What's the creepiest thing I can imagine? Someone's trying to steal used condoms. No. Dickpics. Oh. So, should I set the scene or ask the question? I can set the scene. You're not going to show me a picture of your dick, are you?

No, but... Okay. Because this is an aural medium. So, you're going to have to listen to my spooky image. So, you look... You get a picture on your phone, right? There's two legs. One's going diagonally up and right.

One's going diagonally up and left, right? In between these legs is a dick, you know? Between the legs and the dick is a white curve and the white curve on each side of the dick along with the leg forms two isosceles triangles of piss water you're right

I'm talking about guys who take dick pics why on the toilet? ok so he's not pissing he's sitting on the toilet his erect dick is just bisecting that toilet seat. I got you. I thought you were saying he was like spraying a rainbow of piss.

No, no. It's not. That would make more sense. So I'll read out the rest of it. So when I get a dick pic that you took while sitting on your toilet, I automatically assume you're in the middle of taking a huge dump, which, no matter how beautiful your cock is kills it for me why do you do this and apparently this is like a thing it's an epidemic it's happened a lot didn't know that was a thing me neither and that's spooky to me i would say like the majority of my dick pics i don't send many especially now that i have a girlfriend but like even when i was single

like my i think i'd send like maybe one or two people that is including my current girlfriend we've all done it pictures of my dick and it was like it was almost always like when i had woken up and i had morning wood and i was just like you fantastic bastard but the thing is dane wakes up on the toilet so you're fucking part of the problem. I do pass out on the toilet. No, you wake up on the toilet. That's the spookiest part. You don't pass out on there.

How do you get there? I don't know. But yeah, no, apparently this is the thing. I asked four people today on the way here. Well, like, this morning. I wasn't on the way. Just strangers? No, people I work with.

I'm one of them. What's one out of four? I was like, oh, yeah. And that's just four people I work with. I'm one of them. What's one out of four? I was like, oh yeah. And that's just four random people. Okay. That's not good. Even if 25% of people... Did you ask women or men?

Three women, one man. Was the guy the one who said yes? No. Oh. The guy was the most shocked. Oh yeah, absolutely. The guy was the most shocked. All the dick pics he gets,

he's never gotten one when the guy's been sitting on the toilet. Oh, so he's gay? Yeah. Okay. I don't know. I don't do this i don't like what the fuck in the world would think that like framing your dick with piss water

is a good call like no one keeps saying piss water because that's what's in the toilet oh okay i keep thinking you're referring to like the toilet seat i'm like what do you know like no one's like crouched on the edge i'm assuming i don't know i'm assuming they're sitting there as you would if you were taking a shit and it looks like you can see exactly oh my god the deathly hollows approach that's why i set the image you got the legs you got that curve the dick bisects it is two triangles of filthy piss 100 the deadly hollows yeah maybe that's why holy shit it's Voldemort

his last horcrux is dick pics you have to burn those dick pics as long as dick pics exist Voldemort will never die user you gotta delete them let's get to the advice part firstly if you're sending a dick pic it better be solicited don't worship

the dark lord don't worship the Dark Lord at all. He should not be named. Should have nothing to do with your dick pictures. He who has many names. We don't know all of them. We're talking about different Dark Lords here. Magic Tavern shout out. Names have power.

Names do have power. Firstly, be solicited. Secondly, don't worship the Dark Lord. Any of them. Thirdly, toilet? No. Don't, like, no. be solicited secondly don't worship the dark lord any of them thirdly toilet no don't like no yeah i mean like i don't really know what's a good idea or time for i think like chilling in bed of course you would maybe straight out of the shower with a nice artistic painting behind it

in the wall i guess yeah um i thought there was a reference to something and i was like maybe it is maybe you don't know about my legendary dick pig anyway yeah no like i feel like you should almost like treat your dick in this situation like you would treat like foodstuffs or something you don't want to see food being prepared in the toilet right oh man imagine if instagram people posted pictures of their brunch just like in the bathroom in the restaurant bathroom like urinal that's the thing like fuck you egg betty that's basically the same thing like even if i'm just hovering it above like imagine you get like the best food the best

restaurant right you got this fucking wagyu beef right 140 dollars for like one thin strip you know it's gonna taste amazing but i'm hovering it over a used fucking toilet like even if it's not used it's still a toilet we know what happens there oh my god i want my beef i want anything that's going in me fuck this podcast i'm making a new instagram account and that's my new priority that would be amazing let's do it Just spending a shit ton of money on like really fancy Toronto restaurant food. And then just like, yeah, I'm just going to take this plate to the bathroom. Well, I would love to know. Sir, what are you doing in there?

Fuck you. How many people would stop you? Like if you got up with their dish and just walked into the toilet, like. I don't think anyone would. I think someone would be like, yeah, maybe not. No, I think people are so like afraid of conflict these days that people would just be like, that's weird. You know we need to do it now.

Oh, my God. Well, we call it, guys. If anyone has any ideas for our bathroom porn blog. Our bathroom food porn? Bathroom food porn? Yeah. Shoot us a tweet. Yeah, let us know.

Do we have any ideas? It's at fck underscore buddies. Oh, my God. yeah let us know uh fck underscore buddies oh my god if it was if we were only like revealing like chicken wings and like burgers and shit we'd call like beat this meat but yeah so that's the thing i'm sorry that i've ruined your life now yeah i don't like to hear this also if anyone has sent you these let us know don't don't send them don't forward them on we don't want to see i don't want to see someone's dick or their piss water but you can let us know

especially if he also took a shit like if you can see poo down there that's even worse that's the trifecta there's like pee and a wrecked dick and just a little floater just bobbing about also if that's your fetish

let us know too because I'm sure one of you sick fucks listening oh yeah someone is furiously jerking off right now without a doubt actually i just remembered i did get another question today verbally i'm gonna just tie it in now why do guys send unsolicited dick pics and the case in question a person had person had like hooked up with a dude and i guess he ghosted her apparently twice and now it's just never gonna happen never done like blah blah blah all over but every now and then she still gets not a dick pic even in this situation a dick video i'm like oh he's just jerking it no he's not even doing that he's just likeking it no he's not even doing

that he's just like moving it back and forth just helicoptering no not even that like at least that would be i don't know he's just like moving it with his fingers back and forth a little bit it's fucking weird that's even worse i think than either helicoptering or masturbating here's the thing if you're gonna send an unsolicited pic, it better have fucking googly eyes on it. Yeah. It's the only way I'll accept it. You know what I mean? I think that's like...

You know we're getting a flooded inbox full of googly eyed dick pics now. It would be the fucking best. Yeah, I'm not mad at that. Like, if I was a girl and someone sent me a googly eyed dick pic, I'd be like, that's fucking hilarious. That's what the Beyonce song is about, right? If I was a girl googly i dick pic i think this comes from a couple things one men's just completely oblivious idea of how women work yep uh two the fact that they think that everyone wants to see their dick

or that their dick is like the most important part of them. You know what I think it is? Is that like, you know, the whole like the Bible thing, like love thy neighbor as you love, as you would want yourself to be loved or whatever. I think guys constantly want women, random women just be like, look, it's my tits. Yeah. Look, it's my vagina. And they're literally doing the same thing

they're like i'm doing like a monkey see monkey do kind of situation where monkey wish monkey will start like they they one think that when they send their dick to someone it's the same as them getting a pair of tits randomly because that would make some guys day they'd be like guys i just got said fucking tits like yeah the more random the better right or like someone they know or like anything and they would fucking lose their shit they would be so happy but also if a girl sent them their tits they would then want to fuck that girl so it's a two-fold thing and they're not factoring in like the conversion rate yeah and they're just sending it straight back they're like i'll send the girl my dick she'll be so happy because she got genitals on her phone.

And then secondly, she'll want to fuck me. And then they sit down on the toilet and they start snapping. Yeah. That's 100% it. 100%.

Yeah, I think you're correct. It's like, boobs are American currency or the Euro. What are you about to say about the fucking Euro? What are you about to say?

Dick pics are like Croatian kuna. weirdly expensive what's kind of expensive maybe thinking crowns crowns was nothing right yeah prog yeah yeah or the peso dick pics are the pesos of currency yeah it's just like you they're not equivocal like it just because someone just because you want something to happen to you doesn't mean someone wants it to happen to them yeah and that's the thing like them getting dick pics is probably only mildly more enjoyable than you getting dick pics you know can you just imagine your day if like every time you picked up your phone it's just like just great there's another fucking picture of jerry's dick yeah someone's just moving it back and forth a little

bit it's a little video they're not even jerking it man that's menacing isn't that perplexing right yeah it's not sexy i'd like if it's like a snake getting ready to sting it's like someone just like brandishing a knife at you outside your house like yeah it's all i can think of is fucking david bowie with the like glass ball in Labyrinth, but just him doing that with his dick. Stop talking about Labyrinth. Imagine if Jareth just showed up and young Jennifer Connelly,

and he was just like... Who's Jareth? Look at him. Who's Jareth? It was David Bowie's character in Labyrinth. I haven't seen this movie. Oh, my God. Why are we friends?

We had this conversation. You've seen it more than enough for the both of us. I've seen it more than enough for everyone. I watch and i've seen it more than enough for everyone i watch it literally every day in junior kindergarten this explains a lot it's also dude's fetish yeah um it's why i'm obsessed with tight bulges that movie is just 100 david bowie's bulge you know now we're gonna also get a lot of tight bulges i see you sharky don't do it i I'm not going to fight that one. That's fair. But yeah, make sure your dick pics are solicited and don't take

them on the toilet. Don't do it on the toilet! Like, it's like just going out to your garbage can and hovering it above your fruit fly filled compost bin and being like, Hey! You know what? I'm flipping it. Only take them. The toilet's too good.

Well, if it's unsolicited, yeah. The toilet is too good. You need to find stranger places. Where would be the worst place? If you have a small child. Oh, no. Or like a pet. Oh, like a dove.

Because they're the most innocent animals. Just like a dove in a cage mildly scandalized at your looming penis? As you just sort of shake your dick at it? Oh, no, you just waggle it slowly, because obviously you're going to take that ominous video. What are you doing, guy? If you're listening, stop! If you've ever sent a video... Also, just dick videos? No!

I mean, I can't lie i sent videos yeah jerking off that's fine stroking yeah but that's that's different you're like someone you're jerking too fast it doesn't show up on camera because you have a really shit webcam what anyway nope but like that's fine if it's listed yeah no you know i, most of it was like me sending videos to my girlfriend. Exactly, yeah. Like I did a long distance thing. So, you know. Cool. Yeah.

Question time. Dick part. I've got two questions. That was two questions. I've got two now. Great. I've got two back to back. You had two back to back.

I've got two back to back. No, we're done. Bye. Okay, that's our show. Thank you for Josh Eagle. Thank you for Josh Eagle. Thank you for Josh Eagle. And you for josh thank you for josh eagle um and the harvest cities yeah um i i've lost this question i've lost the first part of this question we fucking

god damn it um so i have to guess what the first part is no no like i just don't know who it's by um and like the correct wording i'm gonna guess it's throw away yeah four seven twelve right 82 it's actually not dick daddy it's not a yeah leftward sloping penis it's not a sex question for once from me still by big dick daddy we all know it everything's by big dick daddy and we know it um how yes do you talk to women you don't know in public places general sense you probably don't um the question was more about like how do you strike up conversations um like at a bar and i know we i know we kind of talked about it with cory's question we talked about in the club which is a very different beast i'm honestly like there was even more I want to say about that yeah and I think that's gonna come into it I think we got more upset about how fucking said was people were pulling girls hair and dick touching man we're popping

our peas a lot it's okay no yeah and I think we focused yeah we focused a lot on not pulling people's hair and shit like that um and this is more of like how do you like start like what are some good pickup lines what are some good like how do you get in there okay well the funny thing is so we talked about i guess like interacting with people in clubs before yeah so let's angle this more like bars and pubs and like you know nights out and the thing is they're the complete opposite to clubs in that you should pull someone's hair and come at them straight from behind where they cannot see you not let them see you yeah that's why bars have mirrors so they can see you

you know yeah like they're not gonna be terrified but it's still creepy and this is obviously a joke don't do that don't do it i feel like I sadly need to explain that. Yeah, no. If you're going to talk to people, you talk to them like you talk to people. Yeah, the best pickup line is hello. Yeah. And I will take that to my fucking grave. Yeah. You can have the cheesiest fucking pickup line.

You can have the stupidest fucking opener. And it might work. Great. But even then, I feel like it you still you then have to resort to like you literally then have to get it only works to get you to hello yeah and like i feel like you could just skip that and like sure maybe you'll whip out some crazy ass line that'll actually make them laugh and be like okay but even then if you don't just follow it up it like oh hey how's it going like that was my silly joke and it's also like pulling that shit just puts people's guard up immediately yeah because they're like oh this asshole's trying to pick me up yeah because he's coming up to you

being like look it's a line meant to have the sex with you yeah and smiling and looking them dead in the eye and like you know your intentions are very clear yeah like the the best way to like instigate a conversation with someone that you might find attractive is like just go up to them say hello and ask them how their night's doing exactly just as your night going and if you need like if they're sort of like sitting at the bar and you're not near them like go up and get a drink from the bar and just happen to like saddle up beside them for the temporary moment because they know you're just getting a drink they know this interaction is going to be brief if they want it to be yeah

you know what i mean so like you're you're putting yourself in a position of being like hey how's it going and if she's cold and doesn't want it it's like oh okay cool yeah great have a great night and that's the thing move on say hi say whatever if you have a bit of a chat cool um i would honestly unless it goes spectacularly well i would say just leave anyway and i may have like a brief exactly by like talk you know test the waters then leave because you're giving them like you're not crowding them you're not forcing them into this interaction that like fuck knows how long it's gonna take you're also your friends so you don't want to be like well i met a girl and now i'm just casting everything on the roll of this

dice because they might just feel obliged to talk to you for a while and it might not go anywhere so like go have a nice chat keep it light keep it fucking happy yeah positive and then you can go back go back to your friends enjoy yourself go back for another drink she's still there you get another chance yeah or if you see her later on then you won't be talking to a stranger exactly it'll be that girl you've already met and if she'll know you're not a creep don't chase her just let her leave yeah like like it's it's not a big deal the the big problem i think a lot of people have is there's like this sort of expectation that the first person they talk to or like the first person they're attracted to is like that's their person

or like they have sort of like this idea or people go out with the mentality of picking people up and i think we we talked about it briefly about how the most attractive thing you can do and the best way to draw attention to yourself is to have a good time with your friends yeah exactly if you're having a good night you're having fun like and don't fucking peacock you know what i mean like don't try to be the loudest person in the bar don't try to be the funniest quote unquote person in the bar don't walk around just flexing your infinite sex arms yeah um don't walk around with multi-colored feathers yeah from behind you um don't check violently if you're intruders if you and your friends are just having a good time and then every now and then you're coming up to the bar and grabbing a drink and you're you know you're you're interacting with someone that you find attractive

that's fine. And then if something even happens, like, let's say they bump into you and spill a drink on you, or like you both lose it when the song comes on or like, there's any reason for you to like, naturally talk, don't be afraid to do it. You know? And that's the thing you need to like, seize on those nice opportunities, those good moments and like, not just kind of come out of nowhere and be like hey you know like hello talk to me please yeah like i just need you to make it natural give them room to breathe you don't want to fucking strangle anybody literally or metaphorically yeah um and just like you know keep it light and nice and fresh and as i said the best thing to do is if you've already established

like even passing contact with someone and you've been kind of cool, like they're not going to be half as worried talking to you the next time because you've already shown that like you're a normal enough person and you're not like what, you know, like you're not creep. Yeah. I mean, don't be a most like quote unquote successful nights I've had out where like

me and a girl have been waiting at the bar at the same time trying to get a drink. And we've had like a very idle, friendly, sort of like platonic chat of just about anything. And then I've just fucked off. And then I've bumped into her later that night and been like, oh, hey, it's you. And then you chat and then like maybe you're on the dance floor and then maybe you're dancing. Maybe you're making out. Maybe you go home.

Maybe you've just made a friend. You know, like, and that's the thing. You just got to take these things naturally give them room to interact don't just come down like a ton of bricks don't suffocate them don't shadow them and if you're nervous uh you mentioned something really important it's like it doesn't matter how attractive they are they are human beings and you're capable hopefully of talking to other human beings like and if you're not like if if your big thing is like you just don't know how to talk to people maybe going out and talking to random strangers and trying to get them to have an attraction to you isn't the best place to start find people who have similar hobby you

know what i mean like build your friendship base first if you like 100 cannot talk to people yeah but like if you can talk to your friends you can talk to you can talk to anyone because that's how you should be talking to strangers you can have a conversation with a random person whether it's like a cashier at a grocery store or someone at the bus stop or like anyone or Or even your buds. Yeah. If you're capable of having just a menial conversation, you can talk to any woman. Yeah. Because you can just realize that, oh, this super, super hot girl at this bar is a person.

And that's like the most important thing. Every time you start getting spooked, just be like, nope, she's a person. And anytime you start acting like a shithead, oh, she's a person and anytime you start acting like a shithead oh she's a person yeah so don't yeah um and just and just take it from there and again like no one's obligated to talk to you nope not at all so if if you get any hint that she might not be into it um nothing wrong with leaving the ball in her court yeah just be like hey have a great night take a drink go elsewhere

exactly and if you are talking to someone and things are going well and they like drop that they have a boyfriend or like you know don't just be like oh and just fuck off because then you're being a dick I mean like our fucking Europe trip would have been shit if I was like

if everyone who tried to talk to me I I was just like, I have a girlfriend. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or like, like we had so many great chats and like so many great conversation. We met so many people. And if I was just like, every time any girl said anything to me and I was just like shut down and just assume

they were trying to fuck me. But every time you like mentioned it, nobody was like, well, bye. You know, I feel like a lot of guys do do that. And that kind of sucks.

Like if you're talking with someone, like you should be genuinely having fun. Yeah. Like if you're talking with someone, like you should be genuinely having fun. Yeah. Like if you're not enjoying it, then like you're not going to enjoy the rest of whatever's going to happen. Yeah. If you're talking to someone solely to like, hopefully fuck them,

then it's fuck it. You're, you're out of the game already. Yeah. And if you're talking to them and you want to fuck them, sure. But if it's stilted conversation that you're not actually enjoying, like if it gets to the point where you find out they're're not gonna fuck you and you just can't leave soon enough

then you're not doing the conversation part right yeah yeah i mean like i remember there was a night out when i i was kind of like wingmanning my friend but uh we met these two girls and they were really fun and i was talking to this one girl for like an hour and then it just sort of came up that she had a boyfriend um and i was like oh i, Oh, I mean like, that's cool. And like, I had made no sort of like sexual advances or like tried to pursue anything at that point. Cause you know, I was just having a good time talking to her. Um, and then at the end of the night, she was like, Oh, like, thanks for hanging out with me. And I was like, well, yeah, I mean like we had a, we had a great chat. Like we for like three hours or something like that and she was like yeah but

like usually people find out that like when i say i have a boyfriend they they sort of and she's like i didn't want to lead you on i was like you know like obviously you're a very attractive woman um but i'm also like cool talking to you but that's the thing a lot of people aren't a lot of people aren't and you never know like firstly like nobody has too many fucking friends all right nobody has too much fun on that out they can't have more fun with this cool person they met you know what i mean yeah and the thing is also who knows if they turn around like oh here's three of my friends exactly this guy's fucking great yeah there's there's no downside to proving to women that you're not an asshole or even just strangers like even if it's a dude you're not an asshole. Or even just strangers.

Like even if it's a dude you're talking to, like just be nice people. Yeah. Just be good to people. Cause like you, you never know when like you're going to run into them again. Yeah. And that could be,

and again, this doesn't just have to be necessarily have to do with dating or sex. It could just be one of those things where like you're waiting to get into a bar. And then like that one dude who you, you know, bought a shop for cause you find out it was his birthday or whatever it's like oh wait no this guy's with me too yeah and then all of a sudden you're skipping a line or like you're on this crazy adventure going to see a band with like some random group of people

it's or even just like that girl you're talking is now your best friend yeah you know i mean like i ended up talking to like texting her for a while because she was actually i was in the middle of writing a movie about um like drug smugglers and she was in school for smuggling drugs yeah no she was a she was a lawyer that specialized in like south american drug cartels oh crazy uh so i ended up like meeting up with her a couple times and like hanging out with her and chatting with her. And like, it was a completely platonic relationship, but like. That's so great. Really fucking cool. And I feel like people miss out on a lot of that shit and just like, you know, have fun,

be good people. Yeah. And then I think a lot of people get like two minutes into a conversation with, with women and then are like well that's my that's that's all i got to say and then don't know what to say and then they fall back into like that really shitty sort of like interview mode of being like what do you do where are you from yeah are you in school and like i assume you're with your friends out and i out so you don't have to worry about being like, oh, I'm going back to my friends.

But like, hey, hopefully I'll see you later. Yeah. You know, and then that gives them room to breathe and be like, hey, this guy's not a douche. Also, I think on this topic, should we bring up like wingmanning or should we just save that for a different question? Because I'm sure we're going to get a question. We'll get a wingman question. I think if you have wingman questions, ask us. And so the second part of this question is, and I think this is super important for you. How to not be a shithead named Niall.

How do you remember women's names that you just met? Oh, God. I have no problem meeting and talking to women at bars and clubs, but I'm terrible with names. I've blown my chances with many women because I simply can't remember what their name is. Help. Why you do me like this? I will point out, it's not women's names I'm bad at. It is names.

Yeah. I, like, start working in the place at, like, a hundred people. Holy fucking shit. Do you know how long it took me to learn, like, ten people's names? I don't know what it is. I'm so bad. I'm really good. Yeah.

And, like, everyone has a knack for it but my trick is when you meet them you write their name down on the notes you write their name on their forehead no on your phone you open up google notepad and you go what was your name and then you spell it really weird and then when you wake up the next day drunk you have no idea what their name is anymore but for that night it, it triggers the, oh, I spent it this way, but it's actually this way. But if they ask you, you have to like have a coughing fit and slowly check your notes. The best way to do it. And this is a tried and true.

You open Google Note. Oh, my God. You repeat their name when you meet them. When like if she's like, oh, hey, my name is Ashley. And like, oh, Ashley, so nice to meet you. And then you try like come up with up with either a joke or a, like, a story or, you know what I mean? Like, if you had a friend growing up named Ashley, try to, like, relate that in somehow. Or if you had, you know what I mean?

So if you had, like, a dog named Ashley, then later on, when you go back to hers, you just think about that dog the whole time? Yeah. Just be like, oh, I like a dog named Ashley then later on when you go back to hers you just think about that dog the whole time yeah just be like oh I had a dog named Ashley just the whole time

yeah just think about that dog just be like oh I took the best dick pics on that dog it's doves Dane it's doves cause everyone

just has pet doves just yeah everyone's just fucking prince it's like you just gotta think of the most soulful animals like doves dolphins Yeah. Everyone's just fucking prince. It's like you just got to think of the most soulful animals, like doves, dolphins.

Cocker spaniels. Oh, man. Take a dick pic with a hat on. Yeah. And googly eyes. And googly eyes. Nailed it. Just have cautions for your dick.

Yeah. Honestly, I'm not always bad, but sometimes I- Man, the amount of times where I've just leaned over to Niall on a night out and just been like, it's Rebecca. Yeah. And just like, I've gone back to my, whatever I do. But like, I can't remember anybody's name. It's so bad.

I don't know why. And I can remember fucking everything else, apart from like Bruce Willis' name, apparently. But I did though this time. Yeah. See, I'm getting better, guys. You did it. You're trying.

Yeah, it's repeat their name and then come up with a story a joke an anecdote a song um get a really good friend to also remember it who's good with names yeah or just carry around cue cards and like tell them write their name on a cue card tell them to hold it and then take a picture of them break your glass with a flash on and then when they're distracted by the glass going everywhere, carve it into your own hand. Yeah. That's not a joke.

Do it. Yeah, right now. Right now. Do it right now. Shh. Spooky episode. It's the Saw episode. Spooky.

Okay. I have a spooky question. Oh, God. From AskRedditAfterDark by JazzyGenie. You ready for this? Yeah. Would you still jack off if, when you came, your semen was just one big sperm, and afterwards you'd have to fight it?

You'd have to fight it you'd have to fight it did you say fight it or find it fight it fight how big is it that's the thing if it's like big enough to come out of my dick without much pain i wouldn't mind fighting yeah no i don't give a shit i'll step on it i'll just squish i know right all done that was my that was the thing and the best thing is like everyone in the comments just assumes it's going to be fucking huge. I'm like, you'd be dead. Yeah, if it's just bursting out of my dick, I would never jerk off. Oh my god.

That's the thing. I'd die one quiet night. But is it only when you jerk off or when you have sex? Because it says when you jerk off. I just assumed it was whenever you ejaculate. I'm sorry. If this is from a genie wording is very very specific

I guess maybe it's just jacking off official lore of genies is like the exact wording is very specific so I could still have sex and it would be completely normal ejaculate but I would still fight it because I do that anyway but yeah I don't know maybe he's magic and it's just like a human size like

big ass so just sort of it comes out almost like a genie from a lamp the dick is the lamp and christina aguilera is your sperm because you're letting her out the bottle like we always do i beat the shit out of my semen yeah i have no problem i feel like it'd be fun i'd beat off twice yeah yeah beat off then beat up. Who the fuck asked this question? How high was this person? Yeah. Would you?

Yeah. Okay. Like if my dick stays intact. Yeah. And it doesn't hurt. If it still feels really good to like come. Also, does this jizz have powers? Does it have arms?

I don't know. Like, is it just like waddle towards you? Does it headbutt you? Yeah. Is it just a fucking like giant white tadpole? Also also the reason why i included this is imagine a giant sperm looks like a ghost also in episode is it i don't know the like material composition of a singular it is semen it's actual sailors yes um oh fuck what if it's a pirate how's semen spelled again it's a genie everything's very specific it is spelt like oh god actual cum okay so we're safe there's no

cutlasses being thrown away unless it's armed i don't know that's the thing this thing like it's but also if you punch it like is i know like semen as a whole as like ejaculate yeah it's like you know like viscous yeah but are the individual sperm are they firm and are they are they yeah are they stiff well they have or am i going to be fighting a slimer they have contend with the long trek through a vagina so they're pretty hardy and they probably have walking sticks. Like a quarterstaff situation. Slimer Donatello hybrid. Oh, shit. We're fucked.

Because he's a tadpole. Yeah. Unless, as you said, he is so small that he can safely come at your dick. Which could still be pretty big. I've got a giant urethra. Either way, I don't think there's anything in the goddamn world that'll stop me from jerking off. Yeah, that's fair. Fuck you, Jazzy.

You won't stop me. You spooky... Spooky... You Spooky? You Spooky. You know what my three wishes are? What? No more giant sperm to fight? Yeah.

All three? Just that one thing? Yeah. But then, you didn't word it properly, I have to fight mini sperm. You won't even see them come. Oh, God.

There's everyone. You won't even see them coming. Stop this. I think it's your go. I mean, this one isn't technically spooky, but it is scary. Okay. I think. Hit me, baby, one more time. This one

comes from Crazy Cat Kayla from Reddit. Poison Ivy on his penis? Oh, no. So my boyfriend gets poison ivy multiple times a year without coming into contact with the plants themselves. This time it's all over his neck, and last night he pointed out that it was on his penis.

It's only one little spot, but it's still bothering him. I've never caught poison ivy, nor do I want to. Any idea if penis and vagina sex is a bad idea while he's got it? Or is the poison ivy not contagious? I, like, hoped for half of this that you were making like a cosplay question and like poison ivy was on his dick. Nope, but that is a costume I have for my dick.

With googly eyes. For my dick pic, yes. Yeah. What the fuck? How is this boy coming in contact with fucking poison ivy? He's not coming in contact with the plants. How is it all over his neck? I'm gonna say it's not poison ivy.

Is it galloping herpes? It could be. Or it could just be like... This is the best musical. Psoriasis. Okay. You know what I mean? Like, it's not poison ivy.

Unless he's living in like... What if he's a fucking mad... What if that's his fucking kink that took a long time to say just like rubbing poison ivy on himself yeah or what if he contracted an std being unfaithful and his smart solution was to smear himself with poison ivy and be like oh must be poison ivy it's on my, and I guess this bit on my dick. But like, like,

what, what scenario leads your neck, and just a bit of your dick, touching poison ivy? Like, how does that happen? Yeah. Do you front flip,

weirdly, through a bush, and only hit like five branches? Four and a half on your neck, and half on your dick tip? I don't, yeah, I'm,

like, I, I might have... I should have done a little bit of research. Into poison ivy? Into poison ivy and how it works. I know that, like, if poison ivy is burnt and you're super, super, like, sensitive to it, you can, because, like... Like, you can get from the smoke?

Yeah, but, like, because, like, it's the oil on the leaves itself that causes the rash. So if the oil becomes like airborne, it can trigger. So he might have just like rubbed his neck and then his dick. Yes, but who's just burning multiple times a year? Maybe he's an ivy burner. Just like piles of fucking... He's an ivy burner. It's not a thing.

It is. It's not. Maybe she can see my face. It's not a thing It is It's not Maybe she can see my face It's not a thing I think I don't know I ain't no IV expert You need to go to the doctor

Yeah no Get him to go to the doctor Before Yeah and get tested Also If it's on his dick Do not Put it in your vagina

Yeah I mean if you Absolutely have to wear a condom But like Well always Like Don't If you have to wear a condom but like always like don't you have to work on them don't fucking

yeah no like be careful someone has a contagious rash or a rash of any sort even if they you don't want someone is like hey this rash completely fine yeah you kind of don't want that in your sense of parts yeah you know because as much as you don't want a dick in the toilet you don't want anything as bad as it is to have on your poison ivy on your dick that's exterior skin yeah you don't want interior because like i don't think there's anything you can do for that no i mean i don't know what you can really do for poison ivy i'm sure there's some sort of there's probably a topical ointment yeah but i topical don't go inside you can yeah you've got like an internal vagina ointment to solve poison ivy

because no one is sticking poison ivy up their vagina there's definitely one of our listeners who does though and you know who you are you know you spooky fuck yeah it's it's a disease he has a disease yeah or he's just a fucking idiot and is rolling around in poison ivy multiple times at which point like probably not the best sign. No, because she says that he's not coming in contact with the plant. Well, then he definitely has a disease. Yes. But maybe he's

just telling her. Like, oh, it didn't come out. But, like, he's just rolling it back. He's like a dog. He loves the smell and he's just, like, getting all up in it. I gotta jerk off with this leaf. Yeah, no. Just be wary. Here's my hard and fast rule. If someone has something and they say that it's not a concern,

take all the precautions because it might be a concern anyway. Just... I feel like there's certain things you don't take chances with, and that's gun-w wielding madman and your privates yeah man the amount of time i went to the walking clinic up the street from me and just showed that doctor my dick like i'm sure every time they saw me in the waiting room the doctor was just like well looks like i'm looking at dane's dick again today yeah i'm pretty sure that is exactly what he was like because that was his job.

I mean, his job wasn't to be, like, my specific dick doctor. Yeah, but his job was to look at dicks and if you're in his waiting room... Yeah. But, I mean, like, he was a doc... Like, he was... It was a walk-in clinic.

Oh, not like a... STD clinic? No, no, no. It was just, like, the walk-in clinic at the end of my street. But, like, the only time I ever went was because I was just like... Can you do that?

I thought you had to go to special ones. No. No like Can you do that? I have to go to special ones. No. No. I mean like you have to go to special ones to get like but like any walking clinic can do an STD test. No.

I always went to like the specific one. No. No. That's cool. I don't know. I feel like I trust these people more than my fucking

useless doctor so. Do we have a quick one? I have a quick one. Alright. So you're going to go first on this one and then I'm going to go first on this one. And then I'm going to go second. That's how it would work.

And then he's going to go third. Sorry. What? Oh, no. What was that? All right. So I'm going to give you the question. How do I lick Dorito dust off my fingers without sexually harassing everyone around me?

By Ariel Mayer. And then the best part is the additional details. Answer quickly, please. That guy or her has just like, is just covered in Dorito dust. Here's the thing. It's so simple. No one will be offended

by you licking Dorito dust off. That's incorrect. Nope. Fact. incorrect. Nope. Fact. Okay. My turn? Yep. I'm thinking, all right?

You do a finger by finger? That's sensual. You do them all at once? Oh, put the whole hand in there. No one's getting aroused by Spade Mouth. You're just like, whoa. Wrong. That's my fetish.

Damn it. I knew, duh, that's the reason why you didn't say it. Here's the thing. If it's a girl, I'm just knew that that's the reason why you didn't say here's the thing if it's a girl I'm just like she's got a big mouth I could put a whole spade in there because she can't fit in there okay but it's what else could she fit in there it's his turn now what's the question he how do you how do I like to read those off my fingers like sexual harassing everyone around me what are you talking from okay uh what do you think sir let me do it oh oh see there you go you just get him to do it ben jiminy you nailed it by sexually harassing them yeah they don't sexually

harass if everyone if they're getting sexually harassed they can't sexually harass anyone why did we invite him on the podcast i'm a pervert oh yes you are ben, Benjiminy. Dan? Is that you? Where'd he go? Oh my god, it was Dan in a costume. Fuck. I'm so sorry. We'll never let this happen again. That was so spooky of him to show up in costume.

If only we had. I mean, I'm in costume. I think it's ridiculous since it's an audio podcast. You know, I think you're dressed as. Oh, I get it. You're dressed as Feed the World, the album with Bob Geldof on it. Yeah. Perfect.

Fuck. I didn't get it. I just thought you were feeling very floral. It's because I wasn't wearing the hat. Yeah. Watch me put the hat on. Oh, perfect. See, I wasn't sure. And just thought you were feeling very floral It's because I wasn't wearing the hat Yeah Watch me put the hat on Oh perfect See I wasn't sure and then you put the hat on What do you think of my costume though?

Nailed it You are the sexiest dressed man ever Gray sweatpants and a polo Stuff it you Hey guys that's visual gags I'm an audio podcast Don't you love it? I think we should probably

We're becoming the spooky ones here. Yeah, no, we need to end this right now. Uh, we love all your various faces. Thank you for listening. Let's just, like, shout out to some of our Twitter people, because you guys are the best. So, Julie, that's me. Gia Shikheseli. Sorry if I fucked that name up.

Uh, B, Tyler Coombs, Kevin, Zoe Perrineau, Glitty Kidder Pussy Tantrum, Donald, Terry Kloffenstein, Freya Pinto, George Marhan, Therese Mason-Pierre, Aoife Harrison, 8th Dimension Podcast, Gordon, Brandon Pearl, Terry, D-Spain, Carly. You guys are the best. I'm just going to throw that out there. Thanks for following us on Twitter. And if you want to do the same, you can follow us at FCK underscore buddies. You can also find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast.

And you can email us if you have any questions, fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. Thank you to Josh Eagle on the Harvest Cities. You son of a bitch. I stole it. You did. Yep. We use his Paper Stars song. See, you don't even know.

Thank you for your song Paper Stars, which is our theme song at the beginning and the end of our podcast. It's a podcast. I don't know. I think it's clear neither of us know. I think it's very apparent that we have no idea what a podcast is. At the end of every episode, we like to indulge Niall's weekly delves into the Danverse, the dark, twisted universe. Anybody likes this. I do.

But yeah, here's the latest. This is the spookiest part of any podcast. Yeah. So Dan is a fellow who likes to tweet out horrible dating advice. It's sort of the antithesis of us. This is another one of the titles of one of his bullshit articles. My ex wants to play it safe

and stick with her new guy for now. You know what? For once he's right. Sticking with this new guy is playing it quite safe. And doing the right thing. Dan, you're a goddamn mess. Good job, Axe.

My name is Dan Miller. And I'm Niles Spang. And we're your fuck buddies. Have a great Halloween. Woo!