F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 6 - Chronicles of Riddim: Squirm Protocol

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

Even when Dain is in New Orleans, the sex advice train cannot be stopped, unless you ask it to because consent is important.  Topics include wild sex, the silent starfish and the least sexiest songs. 

I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spang. You're not going to introduce the podcast? No, not this week.

Okay, fair enough. This week we're flying below the radar. No, we're not going to tell them podcast? No, not this week. Okay, fair enough. This week we're flying below the radar. No, we're not going to tell them. This is our mystery podcast. You guess what it's called. Yeah, you found our secret podcast. It's our secret episode. We're not releasing this to the public.

Only joking. We're your fuck buddies. We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Gotcha. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. We probably shouldn't...

Cheers. Right on top of... That actually hurt. Right on top of the microphone. Yeah, welcome back, guys. How's it going? I noticed you didn't ask me how I was doing. I fucking learned my lessons last week, didn't I?

Yeah. You fucking podcast prick. How are you doing? I told you I'm never going to answer you again. I wasn't asking you. God damn it. How are you doing, listeners? Why do you never tell me?

They never answer. I know. Thanks for coming back. Thank you for all the support. Let's get some questions. Yeah. Actually, do we want to cover up our mistake from last episode where we forgot to do your hookup story?

Sure. I was going to wait your hookup story? Sure. I was going to wait until the end of this episode. Yeah, okay. Fuck it. Let's wait until the end. Keep him on the hook for my hookup story. Yeah. Hook on.

Hook him on for my hooking up. Do you want to kick this bad boy off? You want me to kick this bad boy off? I think you can do it. Okay. This one is sent in. This is not his real name, but he wants to be called ricardo so do i know this person you don't oh okay i was gonna guess but not on air ricardo i will never betray your trust he sounds sexy and he actually is okay um he sent in this

question a girl i used to know from high school recently added me onto instagram and we started And he actually is. Okay. He sent in this question. A girl I used to know from high school recently added me onto Instagram and we started talking. This weekend, she full out propositioned me to come over and have sex. However, when I did, the entire time she seemed disinterested even when I was going down on her and when she was on top. What do you do with a girl who wants to sleep with you but shows no sign she's enjoying it? That's a good one. A shitty situation. Yeah. I guess like not in there is like do no sign she's enjoying it that's a good one in a shitty situation yeah i guess like not in there is like do you think she did enjoy it like is this a case of like she

actually didn't or she's just not very good at showing it yeah i mean it could go either way yeah because i've definitely had the opposite before where people they try too hard to show they're enjoying it to the point where you stop believing they are. Yeah. Even though I'm pretty sure they were. Yeah. Like fucking porn for the hard of hearing. Yeah. Yeah. No.

I think this is the exact opposite. I think like maybe she didn't want to like seem too into it. Also, like what was the situation? Were the parents next door? I hope not. But like, you know, like does she have a roommate who complains when she's noisy? Was she enjoying it so much she just couldn't function? Or did maybe not pull the best moves out of the game?

That didn't make sense. You know what I mean? If he wasn't good at the things he was doing, this wouldn't be, like, a new thing for him. You know what I mean? Like, I think he would be more accustomed to, like, a disinterinterested yeah i guess it comes less of surprise yeah and like for me the thing that weirds me out is like she was it wasn't like it wasn't like he was the one yeah it wasn't where she was like all right fine we'll do it yeah um like she took the initiative on every step from like reaching out to him and then like ask him to come over. Yeah. I'd love to know if there's one, a second, you know, date planned.

And by date, I mean literal calendar date. And secondly, whether they did talk or whether it seems like positive after. I assume it is, hence the confusion. So here's the thing. I asked him when he told me or like when he submitted this, I was like, did you have a post sex like chat? And he was like, nope. Oh. It's such a mysterious episode, right?

I know. We start mysteriously, got a mysterious name. We don't know what the fuck's going on in this one. It's great. I don't know. For me, it's communication, right? Yeah. Got to clarify.

Like, maybe while you're doing it, be like, hey, do you like that? Should I switch it up? Or maybe while you're doing it, try something else. Maybe try, like, three things. And and if it's same reaction to each one you can probably assume that it's either a case of numb vagina or a it's the medical term it's the medical term yeah yeah it's uh it's what happens when a ghost takes up residence no i don't know um or just like you don't bother communicating it my suggestion would be um you're gonna say numb vagina too aren't you i was i was gonna say the ghost numb vagina um no like make all the noises that she isn't

jump the gun on our spooky episode i know um yeah Yeah, I think this is where sort of like a post-sex analysis would be helpful. And I know it's the weirdest thing, especially like the first time you slept with someone. But like if you want to sleep with them again, you should definitely have that post-chat. And it doesn't have to be so like analytical and clinical or anything. I would have said post-sex chat when you, I imagined like lab coats and the whiteboard. I mean, if you've got them, not a bad idea.

Depends what your role playing, right? Yeah. Um, turn that into your next role play. Yeah. You can be her maybe unsatisfied student and, uh,

or she can be your maybe unsatisfied student. You can be Dr. Sex or like get a ball gag and then you can't tell that she's not enjoying it. Cause she's, if she's down, if she's down for that. Yeah. Or like get a ball gag and then you can't tell that she's not enjoying it. If she's down for that? Yeah I mean obviously

don't just ball gag people. You have to talk you have to be like I think again communication is the most important thing. You can do a bit

during. Yeah that's the thing. I feel like I want to stress he is a good looking guy. Yeah. So I think maybe it might have been one of those things where... The same way...

Remember, I think it was first episode where we had the guy who's... Just intimidated by his super sexy evil dead hand. Yeah. And it's one of those things where they're so intimidated or they're so in their head that they're trying real hard to be sexy, but it's just not panning out. Yeah. Some people are just kind of quiet lovers anyway. That's very true.

Some people are loud. Some people are abrasively loud. Yeah. And like I'm fairly silent myself. You know what I mean? Yeah. I feel like most guys are tend to be on the quieter side. But yeah, no, I've definitely been with girls who are, who are really, really quiet.

Yeah. You know what? I can name at least, well, I'm not going to name them, but... Name them now. The home addresses. I can point out... I'm not going to point... I can't point them out.

They can't see what I'm pointing at. See here and here. I'm pointing out the wall. It's blank. It's not creepy. We don't have like... No, we have an entire rogues gallery of every woman we've ever slept

inside of this closet. And they're all connected by strings. And map points. What would that even be to solve? It's how you find our secret episodes. Oh yeah, which you just did, so well done. You did it, congratulations. I guess you broke into Dane's closet.

What was I even fucking saying? I don't know. We're big for tangents today. You were talking about naming women that you... Oh yeah, I can name at least two people who were so quiet that i thought i was doing something wrong or like i was really like kind of nervous and like up my head about it but then you do like if someone's shaking uncontrollably as they come it's pretty clear even some people they don't do that as much you know they'll like tense yeah they'll like do yeah

they'll hold their breath or like it's there's so many different ways so i guess you gotta like communication obviously pay attention to context clues and body language because you know that's always going to be a pretty good indicator and it's annoying because it's the kind of thing you get to know someone you get to know how they react in these situations but that's only like and when you get to know them not and i fuck them once and you're gone after yeah so i think it's definitely worth just reaching out and being like hey so noticed you weren't like really feeling like was everything okay like well i feel like first what you can do is just be like hey i had a lot of fun the other night like hope you did too and you know want to hang out again kind of thing because if they're like yes then you can pretty much guess that even if you were somewhat bad you're not that

bad so it's already like you know you're not terrible right yeah and if they want to meet up again again all good good clues and then if it happens again then i'd bring it up yeah you know no one wants to just be that cold call of like seeming a little, not, not desperate, but like insecure maybe. Yeah. I don't know.

Cause there, there are ways to, to get like an idea, you know, and if they don't want to meet up, maybe it's something else. Maybe it is that it just didn't go well. And it was fine.

Like sometimes people don't, you know, you might not, uh, like match with somebody physically yeah no it happens right like i can definitely point out another person where like just it just never seemed to work yeah i don't know why same thing yeah like there's definitely a handful of women where i could be like yeah no it just despite whatever it was physical attraction it just sort of like the sex kind of

yeah just did not work. Yeah, and I don't know. I literally couldn't point out or figure it out. So I don't know. Well, we solved it. You're welcome, Ricardo. Yeah, just communication. Give her a shout.

See where it goes. All right, hit me. Okay, this is a pretty broad one, I guess, but it is listener submitted. Thank you, Ali. What does one wear on a casual first date she's unsure whether she should show cleavage or if she'll be seen as approved if she wears a sweater that shows nothing kind of just not really sure where to go and i feel like guys and girls maybe this you know i'm gonna tell you something right now the there's nothing prudish about a sweater well it's not even that it's like the some of the lack

of effort that women put into first dates shocked me like when i was going on like a bunch of first dates like girls would roll in and like you know you're like athletes clothes you know i mean like things that like like active wear then active wear um and it's the new thing and it was like you know i would try to always look presentable and obviously i'm not wearing a fucking suit or anything but like i'd always try to wear like um nice jeans and and like a nice button-down shirt or something i'm scared to wear a suit after brooklyn yeah right but i think i think the the most important thing is like wear something that's indicative of what you would wear on the day-to-day you know what i mean like maybe fancy it up if you want to i don't think it's

necessary to wear like a low-cut shirt with a push-up bra you know what i mean unless you want to again again yeah that's if that's what you wear if that's your style if that's the way you like to present yourself fucking do it sure um i feel like what's really important is just like that you're comfortable so that like if you are wearing a low-cut top and you don't i feel like what's really important is just like that you're comfortable so that like if you are wearing a low-cut top and you don't really feel like yeah because you're it's gonna act like it's gonna act on you like how you act on the date is gonna be indicative of how you feel if you feel uncomfortable you're not going to be presenting yourself fully right exactly the benefits of you being you far outweigh the benefits of someone seeing more of your tits

yep um so i think being comfortable is the first like most important rule is just like Benefits of you being you far outweigh the benefits of someone seeing more of your tits. Yep. So I think being comfortable is the first, like, most important rule. It's just like, wear what you fucking want, right? Yeah. I would err on the side of the fancier. Like, I'd always wear, like, a nice t-shirt. Yeah, dress to impress. Or, you know.

And for guys, obviously, just wear polos and... Yeah, polos and gray sweatpants. Polos and gray sweatpants, yeah. Just fucking knock it out of the park. Ooh. Yeah, the more comfortable you are, the less you have to... Because if you're uncomfortable, you're going to constantly be, like, pulling your shirt up and, like, moving around. And then, like, you're just going to be that weird fidgety person who's, like, now going to be concerned of being, like, oh, am I showing too much of my tits right now?

And, like, that's... You're not going to be listening to what they're saying. And, like, the most important part of a first date is, like, active listening. You know what I mean? Like, taking in what that person is saying um and if you're not wearing something comfortable you're gonna be so in your head and and like checked out and if you wear a sweater and they think you're a prude then you've done yourself a favor and like you don't want to be with that person someone's like what the fuck a sweater yeah i mean like if you're wearing a sweater like a sweatshirt three sizes too big and like your sweatpants it's like and you got cat hairs and

yeah you're not really attempting to present yourself in the best light barefoot um but if you're just wearing like a fucking turtleneck or something like also turtlenecks are sexy as hell yeah pretty much everything is right like yeah you. Yeah. You're probably going to pull it off. And if you pull it off, they'll pull it off. Yeah. And that's the thing. It's like, I would always prefer a woman to leave something to my imagination. Like, if I went on a date with someone and they were wearing, like, booty shorts and a super revealing shirt.

Whatever. If that's your style. But, like, I kind of want to want to like be rewarded for good behavior. You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? Like if you want them to show up in a prison officer uniform and reward you for good behavior with shorter parole. Yeah.

Shorter time served. Dane's also in jail. We forgot to mention this. He just wants to be rewarded for good behavior. Damn it. Um, but you know what I mean? It's like, i like i like having a little something left to my imagination sure which is why i prefer women in fall clothing over

women in summer clothing interesting yeah i just i like someone who's you know comfortable confident you know and if what you wear is going to affect your confidence or like how you are in the date then it's not a good thing to wear you know know, if you're torn, wear just like where we want to. Like if they're not going to care. And again, it does kind of contextually depend on where you're going. Of course. Also true. If you're going out for dinner, air on the fancier side.

If you're doing something active and you show up in high heels and can't function, like if don't fucking do that. Also, if you overdress a lot, it's going to be kind of weird. You know, if he shows up in a tux for like midday donuts, it's going to be weird. Also, can you please go on a date for midday donuts? That sounds like the best fucking date. Also a great band name. Go for it.

This one is from Reddit user Cyber C4, and he says, she's too energetic. Ooh. There's this girl who I'm casually seeing She's hot, funny and has a banging body But there's one thing She fucks so wild Oh no I like to get a good rhythm Rhythm? Yeah I want you to see how we spell rhythm

Oh no To be fair I appreciate that spelling. I know. I like to get a good rhythm going, but she's all over the place. Kind of like Chandler Bing dancing. So to come, I have to subtly try to hold her in one place. What's the best way to tell her to chill without bruising self-esteem? Firstly, can we call this episode Chronicles of Rhythm Secondly

Chandler Ping Don't compare it to Chandler That's weird Don't tell her that No Nobody wants to be compared to Chandler Because I'm pretty sure There's a running joke

That he's not great in bed Chandler? Yeah I think I don't know I don't watch Friends very much I've seen a few I don't know

He was good with Monica Yeah But I mean like How could you not. I don't watch Friends very much. I've seen a few. I don't know. He was good with Monica. Yeah. But I mean, like, how could you not be good with Courtney Cox, right? That's fair. That's fair. It's in her last name. Yeah.

Okay, well, like, on the practical side of things, she could play, like, you know, play a game with some handcuffs or tying someone down, and they're not going to be energetically bobbing unless they can also tear through metal which you would be surprised there was a girl i used to sleep with and um i actually finally had to tell her and be like you don't need to work this hard like you don't need to thrust with me like even when i was on top she would like be moving her pelvis to sort of like match my rhythm yeah um and it usually doesn't like match my rhythm Yeah Which usually doesn't help It doesn't help at all Especially when they've shit rhythm

So you're going down and they're going down And you're going up and you're like You're just keeping me out And I kind of like had to I appreciate what you're doing But relax When you're on top by all means like i'm i'll i'll chill out and let you do your thing but like there's a there's a motion to this ocean and you are freaking

it out well like they're also fun ways to like have sex when you're like pinning someone down yeah so like you can i don't know if you're just doing like hand stuff you can like sit behind her like wrap your legs around her legs keep them spread and then you can just kind of like go to town it's gonna be great for her if she's down obviously run this by people and like her legs aren't gonna go anywhere she's gonna be wide open for whatever you're doing down there you can grab some boobs kiss some neck it's fucking awesome and that'll keep them firmly in place I feel like sometimes people realize that there's a reward to being like in place they get better at doing it you know i agree but i also feel like this could she could see it as a challenge yeah but if you got those legs locked in you're and then she's like go unless you get headbutted in the fucking face from that angle well i'm also thinking just like

if you're if you're on top and she's underneath and you've got like hands pinned, like if she just activates squirm protocol, then you're like, then you're in even a worse place because now she's just trying to get away from you and you're like, stop it. That's another really good episode title. God damn it. Or like lie down face first on the ground, on the bed, you know, on your belly. Just go in from behind. I believe it's called the prone bone. It's great. That I'm not going to be able to.

And spooning as well. Spooning, yeah. You can like, you want to talk about leg control. Yeah. We just talk like we're an MMA podcast now. Get the legs, get the wrists. That is actually what our secret podcast is about. Yeah.

Mixing, mixed martial arts. Mixing the martial arts. We don't like them being separate. But, yeah, if you're in sort of, like, a spoon position, you can get sort of, like, one arm around sort of, like, her waist, and then you've got another hand that can sort of, like, hold on to her arms or her wrists, and you can just kind of, like, guide it.

Even if she's moving around, you can, like, make that work on your behalf by like guiding her rhythm with with your like your body yeah um and then yeah like you you have positions here like you can either roll her so she's in reverse cowgirl like one way or you can roll the other way and then you're in prone yep um so it's not like you you're limiting your options there either or like sit on the edge of a desk which one is great but two like you know you don't have the legs to push off necessarily right you're not going to be like squirming too much it's like these are all places you could go to also like just duct tape them to the back of

the door um no don't do that um but so i think those are practical ways to like try and work around it but i do think you got to bring it up and i i just phrase it in like be honest be like hey i want to make sure you have a really good time i find it hard when you're chittering around yeah you know i'm sure we've like i've done it before you've done it like i literally had to ask someone to like be careful i was going to lose a tooth going down on them because, like, hip bucking is insane. Yeah. So. Yeah, no, I literally had to talk, like, be, like, just.

And, like, my, the way I phrased it was I was just, like, let's just try this. And let me show you that, like, you don't need to do as much work as you're doing right now. Yeah. And that it will probably actually feel better if you, like like sort of relinquish a little bit of control and there might be some there might be some like um issues working in the background here like i don't know her sexual history or her like you know personal history or anything but like maybe there is a concern of like being completely dominated by a guy or like, that's the thing, which is why you should maybe check before pinning them down.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Um, and it's, it might be one of those things where like having, having that sort of like freedom and movement and mobility in bed is, is safe for her. Um, so it's definitely worth, um, talking about and being like okay here's here's the situation um i feel like no one's going to be annoyed when you're telling them that you're trying to make things better for them yeah because by the sounds of it i don't think he thinks he's in danger although his dick might be but yeah i'm it seems more like he's finding it hard to like

you know get his thing going when some you, someone's kind of all over the place. Yeah, you know what? Like, if the problem is you lasting longer, it might be worth it in just being like, hey, towards the end, I'm going to ask you to, like, slow down. You know what I mean? Like, if the whole thing is unpleasant for him, then, yeah, that's something you got to talk about. But, like, if it's just a matter of, like, you can you can't finish i mean that's a fucking godsend for most guys you know what i mean like being able to like last until you ask her to like chill for a second i i rather there's like him not being able to like get like a rhythm going or not being able to like perform

properly maybe i read it wrong like he can't get his rhythm right yeah but he just says uh to come oh i have to subtly try and hold her in one place oh okay i guess i didn't listen but it's also funny because we're coming out from two different angles where you seem to be imagining that she's doing it on purpose because you know she's trying to interact or whatever just badly i i was imagining that she's just some people like they can't control themselves and they start feeling good and they're flailing that's what i was thinking you know um yeah it might just be one of those things where like she just gets out of fucking control but yeah at which point like i don't know if there's like that's the

duct tape if that's yeah i mean if that's if that's sort of like what happens when she's getting she gets going there's there's probably nothing but at the same time maybe she's not aware of it like exactly maybe she's just giving a free reign because that's how you know and she's never thought about it because you've done such a good job good job poster but um maybe yeah i i would always say like have the chat and just phrase in a positive way. Be like, hey, we're, like, I want this to go better. Yeah. So, also, tell her that she fucks so wild. Yeah.

Open with that. Yeah. It's my favorite song. God damn it, girl, you fuck so wild. But a little too wild. Too wild. That fucking, you're just a little wild. You're like a bronco on coke.

Call her a bronco. She'd love that. Yeah, call her her a Bronco. She'll love that. Yeah, call her a Coke Bronco. A Cronco. All right, next one. This kind of leads into it. What do you think makes a girl good and bad? This is from Reddit user throwaway169.

501. Okay, I thought he was going to stop at 69 at 69 but nope there's a lot of throwaways apparently yeah in the sex reddit yeah there is um you want to go first you want to open this up let me give me some time to think yeah sure um i think like enthusiasm you know what i mean like we talked about it before with like blowjobs and stuff. Like if someone's into it, you know, and not too much enthusiasm, coke bronco. Don't fucking. Don't rip that dick off. Bring your fuck to medium wild.

Yeah, medium wild. You know, not buck wild. Like half a buck wild. So I think like for me, it's enthusiasm, confidence, and fun. Yeah. And. Cool. Just like, what's the word I'm looking for?

A vagina. Like what? Like R&D, research and development, right? You want them to like bring new things to the table. You know, you don't want every fuck to be the same, right? You don't want every blowjob to be the same. You don't want every handjob or anything. Like you want a partner who's willing to like get creative not even dramatically you know what i mean like one day just push you down but like i'm on top today like

out of nowhere and you're like oh fun or like you know one day whatever but i feel like the other three combined to make that like if you're like if you can have fun with sex you're enjoying it you're enthusiastic you're confident enough to try new things or you know be communicative what you want what you don't want like they kind of just blend into you know the last one where it's like the perfect storm yeah yeah i think man i like if i think back to some of my hottest sexual experiences every one of them had like laughing yeah you know what i mean like i think oh man girls laughing while they're being fucked is one of the hottest fucking things in the world um like either something's happened or like they're just having such a good time you know what i mean like

there's sort of this air of and i think a lot of it comes from from porn or like old porn because current porn is changing a lot of things like it's it's becoming a little more female centric um but like old porn where like it was just like the guy using the girl the girl just moaning and screaming and like that was sort of the the exchange there and i think that sort of like influenced a lot of how women think they should behave in sex and it's and it's also men yeah and it's all just sort of like guys are just jackhammering and the girls are just moaning and it's like that's that's shitty that's not fun that's like that's not good sex um unless like youaning. Yeah. And it's like, that's shitty. That's not fun. That's like, that's not good sex. Unless like,

you get, you know, like, yeah, time and place. There's a time for jackhammering and moaning's always fun, but they need to be honest.

An honest jackhammer. Yeah. Also a great band name. We're nailing it. Yeah, like, when someone's not taking sex too seriously,

like, when you're literally, like, you're like, melding, you're like, meeting at like, the same kind of level, you're enjoying melding you're like meeting at like the same

kind of level you're enjoying it you're having fun it's not just like rigid wall of i am sex man and rigid wall of like i'm gonna moan like you need to like have fun like it's a joint like people don't seem to realize it's like a cooperative effort it's this whole joint your team rigid sex man is a pretty good name for a band nail on that we need to start eight bands after this now everybody's gonna steal this shit i think um like communication i know we say it all fucking time but like hey we cannot say enough being able to describe or ask for things yeah and also being able to be like hey i wasn't into that or like hey that's great because i like i've worked and lived with predominantly women like my entire life and the amount of times i hear women being

like he does this thing and it fuck it like i hate it it's like well does he know yeah because if you've told him and he is still doing it big problem and if you haven't told him big problem like yeah that's the thing it's like if you haven't told them you don't like something but you still go through the motions of like the fake moaning about it to your friends like how is he supposed to know like how is anyone supposed to know you don't like something unless you tell them uh telekinesis obviously telepathic telekinesis is moving things with your mind no yeah you like you spell it out with various other fridge magnets you tape them to the wall with duct tape telekinetically.

Yeah. And then you torture them. Charlotte's Webbit. Yeah, just some pig. Oh, that'd be so good. It was like, honey, I think we have a really mean spider.

And she's like, oh, you just won't get it. I have a game for you after this if we have time. Or next episode. We'll see. Well, let's do the game now. Okay.

Because we've got to get into your story anyway. Okay. How many questions have we done? We've done three, right? I don't fucking remember. So this question is, what is the sexiest song? Which? It's too easy.

So we're going to have to say, what are not sexy songs? We're going to go from the bottom up. We're going to discount things one at a time. It can be general. You know, it could be like anything by this artist. Or it can be anything involving this. Does Gilbert Gottfried have any songs? Probably.

I'm pretty sure he does. Okay, great. I'm saying anything with a child chorus. You know, like if it's a rap song that's got, like, a good rhythm, but all of a sudden it's, It's a hard knock, but... No, fuck it. It's happened before. Don't put YouTube on random.

It can get real weird. Or, like, just leave it to autoplay. Because eventually a song with fucking kids singing in the chorus will come on and you'll feel a little strange. Everyone in the room will. Especially the kids singing. It's a hard knock life. That life just got knock harder.

Oh no. I meant harder in like life getting worse. Oh, not sexual. Oh no. This is now secret shame episode where he... Oh, so many secrets.

I got my first blowjob to hotaways what is love do i know this like what no what is love oh that's amazing also good rhythm so there you go um but here's the thing like halfway through she laughed and was like i need to change the song oh um well at least she laughed that's fun yeah. Yeah, no, like, to the day. Or one of the most memorable. I got my first handjob in this pit at a Slipknot concert. While they were playing. Surrounded by a lot of sweaty men.

Yeah, I mean, that makes a lot of sense. It was a lot of fun. I wish I could remember what song was playing, but my senses were not working. Wade and Blade. Is it Slipknot? Yeah, it is. Okay.

I don't know. It's the one Slipknot song that I know. Also, I'd imagine, well, you get a good rhythm behind some Slipknot songs. It could be good fucking. I guarantee you there are. Oh, 100%. I'd do it. People wearing those big.

Oh, never mind. I take that back. I answered before you finished. You know, those big nails no the big like uh the big like bell bottom like they were like the goth bell bottom jeans and they're like utility pants with every strap and man i had that wall chain for years i promise you that's exclusively fucking to slipknot nickelback yes or no because they're kind of that chai kroger but. It depends on the song.

Look at this foe. They will kill a boner if you're within 20 foot. That's on no, but there's that one about like rough sex. Yeah. So, that's not bad.

I could probably get down to that. Shit, we just... Hero? Oh. Yep. I could fuck the hero. I'm also just thinking of Enrique Iglesias.

So, yeah, we followed it. Sexiest song. Anything by Enrique Iglesias. Oh, yeah, we've called it Sexiest Song. Anything by Enrique Iglesias. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or, okay, let's just go straight to the sexiest songs. I mean, like, Pony by Genuine.

Why did you say that so sadly? This was your moment. You've been waiting. But, like, everyone expects it. Yeah, from you, if they know you. But even not, like, it's... No, like, most of Europe doesn't know what that song is as we found out traveling europe true um yeah pony by genuine is okay is a good one uh wrong the buffet

i mean that whole album yeah sex time um i'm trying to think of like low rising by uh the swell season it's like a real metal song, but like... God damn it, it's sexy. Metal sexy? No, no, mellow. Oh, never mind. Yeah. I got offended for no reason.

If you want like some sweet, just like quiet lovemaking music, Low Rising. Okay. By The Swell Season. I'm trying to like think of some good like... I think we nailed it though. It's Pony. Yeah, but it's... Or Wild Wild West by Will Smith. good like i think we nailed it though it's pony yeah or wawa west by will smith i the problem

with ponies there's so much like people are just gonna think of no fucking yeah if you're thinking of channing tatum yeah you're already doing a good job it's the opposite of when he says photograph yeah he just spawns boners into existence i'm trying to think you have like a did you ever song that you just put on nah like fucking the music was never like a main thing for me like i'd occasionally throw some stuff on like but a lot of the time it would just be like random shit yeah which alt like isn't necessarily the best because it's like sometimes it's hard to not match the rhythm which can get real weird you know what black eyed peas boom boom, but you only fuck every time they say boom. Boom, boom, boom.

That's three thrusts. Boom, boom, boom. Three more. Sexiest song of the best sex of your life. And when they say 2008, you cum. Yeah. All right. I think it's time for your worst hookup story.

Okay. So I had a hard time kind of coming up with one because I can give you a best a worst date like so easily you're like a worst person i can give you like worse situations but in general like sex and whatnot has been pretty like good you know like i can't really think of like i'm sure one will come to me that's the worst part is that there's definitely something but anyway this one kind of came to mind where i was in the bar in Dublin like met this girl and we were like chatting getting on really well and I probably should have noticed things were going to be a little weird when at one point like we were just about to kiss and she stops me and she's like oh I see your abs first and I'm like drunk enough I don't care so I lifted my t-shirt apparently they were good enough

we kissed for a bit we're having a bit of fun and she's like hey want to come back to mine I'm like yeah totally this is great we're in the cab we're making out we're shifting we're heading home and she's like by the way we're not gonna have sex tonight I'm like okay cool there's a whole bunch of stuff you can do and not have sex and have a lot of fun either way she seems pretty cool and making that's great and you know we're in town anyway so it's easier than going home so I'm there we're making out we're in her bed and then like clothes start to come off and i'm like okay maybe she does want to have sex but you know we'll see so we get to a point where we're not fucking but we're like going down each other and everything and like i went down on her and like everything's going really well and that's my turn. And she just like puts my dick in her mouth.

And that's it. Like, just, just, that's it. Like no, I'm waiting. There's no movement. There's no tongue. There's not even like suction. It's just like, she's like holding it for me. And like, my dick's not a badger.

It doesn't need like a nice warm Warren to be like happy. Well, like it helps I guess but like and like it just dragged on for like too long because I was waiting for something to happen and I don't know if she if this was her move or she thought this was what blowjobs were and eventually I just had to kind of like move her head a bit and like you know she got the picture and like not the best blowjob I've ever gotten. But anyway, whatever, like it was still a fun night and all that. It was just such a weird situation. And then the next morning I wake up to her in the kitchen complaining to her

roommate about why I didn't fuck her and that like, using words I'm not going to repeat on air because, you know, they began with F and P and they're rude words one's a slur one's a genitalia you know i'm not gonna say them well i say pussy call me a pussy for not fucking her when she said not to so there you go it was uh just an overall like unenjoyable experience also the worst blowjob ever like what was the plan i once just rested in there until something happened i went unintentionally like i didn't i didn't mean to say this i don't think like i don't know how to like it wasn't my intention for it to come out as rude as it did but i once told someone that a blow job was called a blow job because you had to work i thought you were like because you have to blow on it i was like oh you got an

inflated penis yeah yeah so that's mine again if you want to if you want to get the juicy stuff you gotta ask me about my worst date shit like that i feel like yeah there we go kyle i'm sorry that took so long we just forgot last week i want to like talk more about this this is a super important thing that i don't think anyone really talks about um where if if you're a lady and you say that you're not going to sleep with someone like that's should be the final word like hopefully whoever you're telling that to assumes that is like yes the period at the end of the sentence to guys if somebody says that you have to you have to listen you have to listen, you have to take like, there's, that's pretty clear cut.

You have to take that as gospel. You have to be like, yeah, okay, cool. Yeah. Even, even if like things get hot and heavy. Yeah. Like until you take back those words, until you say, you know what? I've changed my mind. I think we should, like, I would like to have sex with you.

Or like pull out a condom and say, okay, let's do it. Yeah as a guy you need to be you need to stick to that if someone says we're not gonna have sex you need to stick to that but you then can't do that and turn around on the next day be criticizing someone or getting annoyed with them or whatever for not then having sex for you or sex with for you with you when all they've done is obeyed your express wishes yeah you you can't penalize and chastise someone for effectively not raping you like you've you've taken consent you've you've said that you've removed consent from that situation if anyone is to do anything further than that it's assault like you you can't you can't sleep with someone who says they don't want to sleep with you yeah and this has happened to us before where we've been in a situation where women have said we're not gonna

have sex tonight we're not gonna whatever tonight and you say okay cool and you don't and then they're annoyed at you or they say bad stuff about you or like you talk to them later on they're like yeah well the date was fine but like why didn't you fuck me yeah and you're like i'm sorry do you not fucking remember and like it's not just us it's happened to friends of ours i would say like the majority of guys have probably dealt with this and i'll put a caveat in here i will say that like the majority of guys who won't push for sex and that's the thing because if you like some people will push yeah you know yeah shitty dudes will will be like how about now how about now how about now how about now or idiots who don't really like if this happens to you two or three times and you're worried about having sex and it's like you know maybe you don't get all that many chances and

maybe you start to think that that's the way you should act which it isn't like i will gladly not have sex a million times rather than you know make the wrong choice wrong choice there. Exactly. And that's how it should be. Doesn't mean it still doesn't suck to then have someone like get in your face about just doing the right thing. Yeah. I mean, I've had, I've had girls say, tell me they didn't want to have sex and then like stay over. You know what I mean?

For whatever reason, like it's late and I'm not going to kick them out. Yeah. Um, you know, and it, and that's fine. But then the next morning they'd leave and I'll like try to make plans with them a couple days later or like within the next couple weeks and they'll be like you know what i actually kind of prefer someone a little more aggressive in bed and it's like well that's you're a criminal you're looking for a criminal yeah like you're looking for someone who is more or less a rapist that's the thing you can't like there is no gray area yeah you know like there isn't um and and if it's one of those things like if you're

saying i don't want to sleep with you and by that you mean i want to see how hard you're gonna try no yeah then you're fucking up everything for every woman ever yeah and if you're a guy and someone wants you to do that don't because that's not okay in general and it's just you don't want to be with that person but but going back to what you said, where it's like, if I was only getting a date maybe like once a month, and the first time that happened to me, and someone was like, hey, I'm not going to sleep with you. And you're like, okay. And then the next day she's like, I actually kind of prefer someone a little more aggressive in bed. And then, okay, like, that sucks, but like, that's kind of crazy.

And then the next day it happens again. And then you sort of like, you're teaching men this behavior and this culture of of like consent is actually not hard and fast when it should be it 100% should be like a no is a no a maybe is a no a yes is a yes and don't be afraid to like take control of the situation you know what i mean like if you're a girl and you didn't and you do now no one's gonna be upset that you're being like, let's actually have sex if you want to. Yeah, it works both ways. You know what I mean? Like, you can rescind consent at any point in time.

You know what I mean? Like, during sex, right before sex happens. Like, at any point in time, you can say, you know what, I don't want to do this. Yeah. And that's 100% you're right and it should be respected immediately. And you can do the same thing. You know what I mean? Like, if you sort of lay the foundation and say, you know what, actually, you know what i mean like if if you sort of lay the lay the foundation and say you know what actually you know what tonight uh we're not gonna sleep

together that's 100 that is your right as a human being to say that yeah and it's also your right to say hey you know what i've actually spent a little bit more time with you uh i'm super turned on you seem like a good guy i've changed my mind yeah you're allowed to do that and it's not no one's gonna think less of you no not at all you know when i think less of someone is when they wish i was a rapist yeah you know what i mean like my opinion of a woman drops considerably when i find out that you wish i had assaulted you yeah no it's it's a really shitty thing to do and i think it's just like a societal thing that like comes from the playing it hard to get or whatever and it's super harmful it's super terrible and guys should always take no as no and girls should also take that no as no and not expect

you know what i mean like you can't then get annoyed at somebody yeah for taking you at your word which is what they should do a hundred percent of the time yeah like there's no time no yeah then unless you've said otherwise at any point in time that's gonna you should know only respect the person for not sleeping yeah yeah and that's the thing like i know is a no both sides of the thing you can't expect someone to take it any other way and after the fact you shouldn't take it any other way you're again 100 within your right to look back on that night and be like you know what like i kind of wish we did have sex you're allowed to say that yeah but don't blame that person for not having sex with you yeah like it it doesn't oh it's so painfully nonsensical

and awful but just yeah you know it no is a no everyone should stick to that you can't yeah everyone should stick to it that's just flat out like everything's a no other than a yes yeah both sides of the table. So, you know, just be good people. Respect your consent, ladies. We're fighting real hard to like, make sure guys learn that that, that's a thing.

Don't teach people shitty behaviors. Don't, yeah. Don't reinforce horrible fucking behaviors, please. There's enough Dan's out there trying to do that anyway. Yeah. It's like,

it's an uphill battle for us. I swear. Um, and there's a lot of guys who are very good and there's a Dan's out there trying to do that anyway yeah it's like it's an uphill battle for us I swear and there's a lot of guys who are very good and there's a lot of guys who will respect the fuck out of you but all it takes is like this to happen to like one dude a few times to like think that this is how it goes

and it is not how it goes if you're listening stay strong be a good dude yeah like don't ever fuck someone who says they don't want to be fucked. Yep. Ever. Even if, like, it doesn't matter. Like, no matter what signs you're picking up. Yep.

If they've said no. That's a no. Yep. Don't jerk off in a cold shower. That's the opposite. One or the other. You jerk off or you have a cold shower you don't do both no you do both you solve all the problems that way god but yeah just speak of people do you have a dang question oh you know i do but firstly we're gonna say a bunch of shit yeah we're gonna do our usual uh our usual spiel so yeah firstly

i'd just like to thank all of our listeners like i was talking to adriana mina sofia earlier on there's a whole bunch more sharky from ireland our mysterious swedish fans our one fan from the netherlands like you guys are the best shout out yeah if you're if you're in sweden and listening to us please tweet us yeah and let us know why and how you found us. Are you my Swedish friends from Thailand? Because if so, you guys are the best. And if not, you guys are the best. Yeah, you guys are even better.

If you have a question, please send it in to us. You can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. You can also tweet us at FCK underscore buddies. You can always use our hashtag. Hashtag FBudsCast. I don't think even we've posted on it yet. No, I don't think so.

If we haven't done it, we're not going to be angry at you for not doing it. But once we start, by fucking God. If it's not trending in an hour, I'm burning this whole house down. I'm going to fucking throw something through Dane's closet. Just don't ruin the rogues gallery.

I won't. Also, a big thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest City for their song Paper Stars, which is our theme song at the beginning and end of our lovely little podcast. Hit us with some Dan. So we're going to go a little sad this week. Oh no. Dan asks, why does my ex take so long to text me back? Oh, Dan.

I have a few reasons. If you listen to the end fucking five seconds of every podcast, you might start to get it. Poor Daniel. Poor Daniel. We've humanized him. Oh, no. Thank you for listening. My name is Dan Miller.

I am Noss Bane. And we're your fuck buddies. Slick tight. Strumming my dick with your word strokes. Finger in my hole with your words. Getting your vowels in my dick hole. Vowels in my dick hole. My dick hole.

Adjectives in my butt now. Synonyms in my foreskin my foreskin I'm glad I'm recording this oh god