F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 7 - Sweet Dick Energy

Episode Date: November 12, 2018

Dain survived a vicious caterpillar attack in New Orleans and has rejoined Niall to bring you hot, sticky, southern charm-filled advice.  Grab yourself a glass of sweet tea and pull up a chair because we're here to solve all of your sexy troubles.  Topics include slowing your roll, enhanced jerk-off stigma, the ballad of Chlamydia Claire and loving your dick.

I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Lyle Spang. And we're your fuck buddies. Ooh, gets louder every episode.

We say it all the time, like, we shouldn't clink beside the microphone. And then we do it every time. Welcome back. Through the magic of the internet, we were with you last week, but we haven't recorded in two weeks. I know. I'm back from New Orleans, though. I made it. He only got slightly poisoned.

Yeah, I got stung by the south's most toxic caterpillar. And that is not a sex euphemism it's not no although i do call my dick the toxic caterpillar so of the south yeah uh yeah if you guys ever see i wish i could remember what it's called because it's something fucking like a puss moth ass or some shit yeah like it has the worst fucking name like the full name is like priscilla fist puss or something like that that's what i call my butt um yeah and apparently like just the slightest touch will send you into the worst pain that i've literally ever ever dealt with this is what happens when dan travels without me it's true i i guard this sweet boy of all the times that you've traveled

i've never been stung by a toxic caterpillar yep you've only been vaguely sick once and you got over it in hours so clearly

I help your regenerabilities maybe or maybe it was jazz maybe jazz because I was at a jazz bar when it happened maybe jazz was the only keeping me alive

maybe that caterpillar could have killed me oh shit but just the restorative nature of jazz music how do I know you're not a ghost?

Classic. I just poked Dane for those who can't hear my hand. Up next is our Nile does a card trick on the podcast segment. Is this your card? Whoa, it is. Crazy. I'm a magician, in case you didn't know. I'm not just of sex.

We're back in fine form, guys. I'm a magician, in case you didn't know. I'm not just of sex. Yep. We're back in fine form, guys. We're not out of practice at all. Right. Is it too soon to start with some questions? Absolutely not. Because my first question is about when. Oh, wait.

Hold on. Oh. We're a dating and sex advice podcast. Or. Where we take your sticky, sexy situations. And talk about caterpillars. I have to have complete focus when i say that i know i'm so sorry iteration i don't know why i fucking chose that because you're an idiot idiot anyway yeah we're a dating sex body podcast oh boy uh we like talk

about caterpillars and dane's dick here in this podcast. This pod is... This pod is... This week pod. Let's do it. Hit me with a question. You ready to go. See, you ruined my whole flow because I had this whole funny thing where I was going to be like, is it too soon to ask a question? But my question is about when things are too soon.

It was a whole thing and you fucked it up with your stupid alliteration. Fuck your segues. Yeah. Fuck you. Okay. So a friend of the podcast who didn't get back to me on whether or not I should say their name. So I'm going to call them agent Cobra. Cause that sounds cool.

Shit. Yeah. Yeah. So agent Cobra basically asked, told me in person and then sent me a message. So I'm going to like amalgamate the two. Um, basically she met a guy gone on a date that went well during that date he was like hey let's hang out tomorrow i've got raptors tickets and she was like yeah this went really well you know they're out pretty late went to the next uh date the next day had fun although she may have fallen asleep during the

game so advice don't do that if you can avoid it but anyway uh i think she'd met him through work she works in the bar and like even in the next day which is already pretty quick for like a first date second day kind of turnaround he was already like hey you want to hang out these three times next week and then was like showing up at her work and being like hey how are you and like admittedly he goes there to the bar anyway but now it seems like he's like coming in specifically to see her and like despite the fact that went well she's wondering it's been a week and is it too soon to say they're moving too fast no yeah i think i think like the term moving too fast could be thrown out

at any point in time yeah like even within the first like 10 minutes of meeting somebody you can be like well let's slow this right on down. Yeah. No, I think it's totally fair to be like, hey, I really like you and I've had a great time, but it's a little much right now. Yeah. I feel like it's almost the opposite or like the longer it goes on, the harder it is to be too fast. Right. And I mean, unless you're taking like massive leaps like all of a sudden sudden but like you have more leeway the longer you've been seeing somebody right whereas if you just kind of

met them you gotta like and the worst thing is it seemed like it was going really well like this guy sounds cool they're getting on well and like i doubt she would have said yes to the second date like the next day for a lot you know like it's kind of a little intense but you know this guy was cool great date but now he's fucking ruining it you know what i mean yeah and like three days out of a week that's almost half your week yeah i don't seem like well i do see my girlfriend that much but that's my girlfriend yeah a long time yeah you know i know it's it's uh that's a lot especially like in the in the first coat it's like where does it go from there yeah what's a what's a month later gonna look like if it's just like if it's one of those things where like

do you want to hang out tomorrow i have raptors tickets like that's that makes sense because like you can't really be like hey i have raptor tickets for tomorrow you want to do it next week yeah exactly um so like i get it if he has a bunch of like really cool things that are sort of time sensitive um and it's also like, maybe spread it out. This thing, there is an acceptable level of like too fast as well. Like, Hey,

I've got a thing tomorrow. Like, sure. Like that can be too fast, but like when they're cool, I'm going to something that's cool. That's fine. But you know,

when it's just too much, I think it's, it's never too early to say it. Yeah. Um, and you just got, you know, frame it nicely, yeah um and you just gotta you know frame it nicely i guess if you if you want things to continue like just be you know be frank and be like hey i have work i have friends yeah i like you put those boundaries in it being like hey if we're gonna

be seeing each other i kind of need a like a separate work life relationship because like if it if the relationship does progress like there could be things that come up in the relationship where like maybe they have a disagreement or an argument like those things happen with couples um the last thing you want that to do is like bleeding into your work life because he's there with friends and like again i'm not trying to project too much stuff but like, like, it's, I've worked with people I've dated. And it just sucks to not have that clear divide of, like, this is professional time and this is, like, my personal time. And to have someone there who is, like, a romantic interest or someone you're sexually active with um it it just like it throws you

off your game sometimes yeah honestly like two things one like i i don't like when like even sometimes when friends come into work fucking hate it because it's hard to be a good friend to someone who's in when you're also fucking working because like either you're spending time talking to them and you probably won't feel guilty because your manager's like the fuck you're doing and two you're probably not doing your job at which point if you do your job or if you worry about your manager you're like dipping in for like a oh hey and then you're fucking gone yeah so it's it's hard to balance and like it's the same when you're seeing somebody but so much worse when you just started because you don't really know them all that well so it's even more like pressure right yeah i also if i

like if i met a girl i worked in the place i would stop going to that place oh yeah i would never go to that place ever again unless like unless she was like hey like do you want to meet me after work and then we can head out or like you guys are around the town and you're walking past her work and she's like oh let's pop in here we can drink a drink yeah or like she's like hey my invitation only or yeah and even if like i was with friends and they were gone i'd be like hey big heads up come see me at lunch? Yeah, and even if like I was with friends and they were gone, I'd be like, hey, big heads up. Like I wouldn't just keep going in every, even if it was my local.

It was like, you know, the place I usually went. I'd give it a rest for a while for both of our sakes. There is like a long list of bars. I mean, not a lot, but there's a collection of bars that I just have never gone back to because I have slept with someone who works there yeah there are some I don't and I'm just like and and sometimes it's ended fine sometimes it's ended a little a little rocky um but it's just like I don't I don't know it's weird

I don't want to be in someone's fucking like forced vibe to be in a space that's the thing it's almost like you know when you're on the subway and you bump into somebody you like but you kind of just want to listen to your music but then you're kind of forced to have a chat with them or like you end up walking the same way on the street and you're like oh now we have to keep talking and they could be great it'd be cool you could be friendly but sometimes you're just not you know in that head space i feel like you're forcing someone into that situation and presumably yourself and like you can't put your headphones in and pretend you didn't see someone when you're at work. Yeah.

And you have to do that 18 times for time you pass and you get written up for having headphones on on the floor. Yeah. It's like, fuck. Yeah. No, I like I'm trying to think of a way to approach this. I think, again, just honesty, just being like, hey, I really like you. We do need to have some boundaries and maybe, you know,

don't come into work to visit me. See, that's, I think, the most problematic thing about this is that, like, he was a customer long before they were, you know, and that's why it's kind of shitty because, like, I don't know if he works nearby.

I don't know if he lives nearby. I don't know if he knows other people who work there kind of thing so you can't really like i don't know if you can actually ask that you know what i mean yeah or maybe you can at least like bring it up and be like hey just so you know like i'm a little uncomfortable when you swing in or like you know what i mean like uh phrase it in a way that it's like it's you centric um so that way you're not telling him not to do something or you could just be like hey this is how i feel about this yeah um and then see how he reacts also like if he gets weird about it you probably get a red flag in yeah like early you know i mean like if he's like well what do you mean why are you doing are you hitting on another guy you know what i mean like if it yeah it turns on a dime like that you can be like cool

maybe we shouldn't see each other because the thing is i do think that the moving too fast thing can be indicative at this or like at this point we don't know if it is bad news or bad vibes it's like a tentative red flag it could yeah it could just be a guy who's eager had had as good a time as you did and like doesn't really know how to express it too well but it kind of worries me a little because yeah you know sometimes it can be an indication of whatever but like that's cool you can like roll with it and like you know be aware and see where it goes but yeah i'd like two things for the work thing if that's an issue just mention like even just phrase it like hey it's hard for me to work properly when like you're there because i want to go over and talk to you but like i can't talk to

you as a normal person when i'm busy when i I have to leave, when I have to be working, all this shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. And like, everyone's going to feel bad if they feel like they're ignoring someone. So like. Exactly. Yeah. You can even like avoid the whole like, I'm uncomfortable.

You could just be like, hey, I feel kind of shitty when you're there because I want to talk to you, but I can't. Yeah. Or just be like, I feel uncomfortable because I don't feel like I can actually engage in a proper conversation with you when I have to keep dipping in and out. And it's a little awkward, you know? And secondly, as per the letting them know that things are going too fast and slow down, you can just be like, hey, I work. I need a bit of time to, you know, chill on a night out, like by myself,

just like have some nights home and I have stuff with my friends. So like, honestly, I can probably like, I can meet up with you, but like, I can only probably spare like a day a week. So like, sure, I'm down, but like, I can't commit three days. Sorry, I have probably, like, I can meet up with you, but, like, I can only probably spare, like, a day a week. So, like, sure, I'm down, but, like, I can't commit three days. Sorry, I have all these other things. Yeah, I'm not clearing my schedule for you. Yeah. Because I feel like three days is a lot. That's a lot.

I see Dane, like, twice a week, and one is this. Yeah. No, I know. It's, uh, that's a lot to ask someone to commit. Especially when you just meet them. Yeah. Like I said, like, that's pretty much just meet them. Yeah. Like I said, like that's pretty much half your week.

Yeah. And then assuming like, and like, where's the go from there? Like the other four, you're probably working if you're in a bar, you know what I mean? Like you're probably working Friday,

Saturday, Sunday. Um, yeah, no, it's not too late. And just be honest and tell them that you need to slow it down. And either he will and things will go well or he won't.

And then you know that it's not worth wasting time on anyway. Solved. Boom, boom, boom, boom. We did it. This one comes in from our Gmail account. Someone emailed us. And if you want to email us, you can do that at fbuddies buddies podcast at gmail.com um they didn't state whether or not he wants his name read so i'm just gonna say c mcg um also first emailer so thank you yeah thanks

for using your the email account instead of like facebook messenger you have gone down in history as our best listener it's official it's yeah it's official i'm sorry because not only did you literally listen but also you participated and we love you um it's a really long question so i'm going to read a bit of it and then sum up the rest because much like us he goes on a bit of a tangent and i respect the hell out of that um he says i must ask you a question that has plagued me for ages for i've always wondered why modern sexual culture has made female sex toys liberating powerful but male toys emasculating and embarrassing many of the men i have encountered in ireland are horrified or freaked out by the idea of using a flashlight for example thinking it is something that only a stupid virgin does He goes on to say that his wife appreciates this.

They use toys for both him and her. And then he's just saying that, like, a lot of people he knows are, like, people are jealous of their wives' vibrators. But then sort of, like, shun male sex toys. And this is, like... It's a really good question. It's a really fun good question because I didn't know that I did this. Oh, I... But, like, 100%. The second he said it, like yep yeah i like i and like i don't i

don't have anything against it i i've never used one and i've never had like the desire to and like anytime i've ever been on a porn site it's like flashlight or like one of those fake like but with the vagina on it thing and it's just like i'm like that's the technical term what the fuck would i do with that and like you have sex with it yeah you you have sex with it um and i'm just like that's weird yeah no but i mean like i i used my hand yeah so it's like what the fuck's like why would you not use something why would i use a tool that's literally meant to make this a better experience yeah and the funny thing is, like, as you say, I initially had the same, like,

I understand that people have that reaction because I almost do as well. Like, without thinking about it. And then the second the question's being read out, I'm thinking about it. I'm like, why do I feel that way? Because it doesn't make sense. It makes no goddamn sense.

Like, if any of my friends were like, like, I have never had a guy tell me they have or have used a sex toy. Yeah. Like male one, like a flashlight. Yeah. I've never used one. Nope.

I don't own any. Like I love jerking off, but like I've never been like, hey, you know what I should do? Get something that's better than my hand. I mean, my hand's done a great job since I was like fucking, you know, 14 or whatever but but like you know i'm i'm in the fucking dark ages using a goddamn like stick rubbing my hands together trying to start fire and this guy's got a fucking like flamethrower yeah no i've i've thought about it like i've wondered like would it be better you know what i mean like i've always been like you know are we gonna do our first like research assignment only if extreme restraint starts to to sponsor us by the way you can if you

are listening extreme restraints yes um but like yeah i don't know like i have occasionally thought about it but like never seriously like i've never i don't know and it's one of those things where like almost just without thinking about i'm like i instantly just cut off i've also seen tv sorry sorry go ahead no go ahead i was gonna say like just the just the idea of going into a store and buying one is horrifying for me yeah because i'm worried that people will have the exact same reaction that that this guy is talking about like i'm worried they're gonna be like oh look at this guy he's gonna late in ages i'm like no i just wanted to like stem a jerk off game up you know the way like in high school and shit like

if you're not getting action you're not like a real guy yeah thing whereas like part of that is like people would make jokes being like oh like going home to jerk off and like even comedians will like you know make jokes like oh i'm tonight like i'm going out with my friend pam and her four friend or five friend you know like it's always been like a hand jobs and jerking off are seen as you having a lack of action yeah right and yeah you jerk off more when you don't have a you know partner but or maybe not i don't know i know i do yeah but um so i think then maybe because of that it's like having a male toy is, like, a literal concrete proof that, like, hey, I masturbate. Even though we all fucking do it. You know what I mean?

Taken or not. And I guess then that gets transferred onto, like, not only, oh, you need to jerk off. You don't have a partner. But then, like, oh, you're investing in, you know, jerking off so clearly. Which is bullshit. And we all know it. But I think it's just one of those subliminal things, right? Yeah, I think it also goes down to like for the longest time women's sexuality and sexual pleasure weren't like important, right? So like having the necessary requirement of having a vibrator that a woman can then pleasure herself because she wasn't receiving it in, in like, you know, actual sexual interactions. Um, whereas women from like the male point of view was like that they were their fleshlights. You know what I mean? Like they were their sexual object that they were there to please the man. Um, and like, you know, it's great. We've had the sexual revolution and I think we're on, like, sort of in the middle of another one kind of happening.

Yeah. Where that's kind of slowly been repealed. But I think there's a big part of that as well where women no longer have to be ashamed of their desire for sexual pleasure. So I think that's why, like, vibrators and sex toys for women are now seen as power rate or like powerful and liberating because power rating, I was combining the two words. Um, they, you know what I mean? Because they're like, they're now being like, Hey, fuck yeah. I want to get off and be like, fuck yeah.

I'm a sexual being. And I, and I, I'm fine with this. This is something I'm willing to admit and own. I also feel like no guy is grossed out by a girl getting off and no girl is going to be upset by another girl. But guys are like, oh, dicks, that's weird. Yeah. Well, I mean, some, you know, some guys who like find girls like their vibrators in like

the bedside table get real weird about it because they, you know what I mean? Like there's a, yeah, there's like that inadequacy. Um, but it's like like she sees your jerk off tool every day it's in your hand yeah it's in your hand oh no don't you have a little little hole um yeah no it's weird but also i feel like in a way like like as a guy like you don't go and buy lingerie right you get underwear or at least i don't get lingerie i don't really know much about lingerie the only real like male sex clothes i've seen was that one shop down on church that had these like sex gladiator costumes i wanted

to buy so bad but when they were really expensive yeah i mean like because they were leather and too i don't know what i'd do with it but like like, I don't go buy lingerie. I don't go buy, you know, I get condoms. Male like sex paraphernalia, I feel like are very niche. They're all like, they're either like of the like BDSM. Yeah, like you'll go, like I wouldn't be weird going and buying handcuffs in like a sex shop, which I have done because like that's okay. But it's weird.

It's like, there's almost this like invisible barrier between these things. Yeah. Also, I feel like media is to blame like i think it was blue mountain state there was an episode where like one guy like i don't even think he was using it but he had a pocket pussy or like a flashlight yeah um and it was this whole that was literally the point of the episode was this one joke where like everyone was like mocking him and like yeah it was like this weird thing and i'm like yeah it's weird to think about because there's no shame in that whatsoever it's one of those things where like i think it's so deeply ingrained in society that men are the sexual creatures they're the ones who like are the sexually dominant ones so like sort of admitting that you are using something for alternate pleasure other

than a woman is seen as like less manly exactly like oh what your hand isn't good enough yeah or it's like it's not even like got that weak grip bro yeah like a lot of people are even afraid to talk about that i think it's just like i think you the first thing you said where like i think it's just an admission of like you not having sex with a woman yeah like a real live person so therefore your sexual virility is forfeit yeah it's so stupid which is really dumb yeah so fucking great question that's a really good question i don't really have like an answer for you i hope our discussion is sort of like illuminated some of the things that we think it is but like but if you're out there and you think that's a weird thing then you're wrong yeah i would say like maybe find one of those discreet websites and order yourself a flashlight

just see what see what's about because like i don't know like i'm i'm literally tempted to try one out try one out yeah hey maybe we will who knows and i if i do i will let you know the question is my girlfriend has hickeys on her boobs say she did it herself i don't know if i'm in the right sub so i apologize i'm in the wrong place little background girlfriend i've been together for a little over a year and a half now i love her very much and believed her when she told me still eats at me so i need advice is this normal do girls do this often i'll explain the story about a year ago it was friday night i had work but she was off she mentioned she was gonna go hang out with

some friends and drink a little bit it's a busy night didn't text her much but i finally finished around midnight so i was done and what she was up to took a very long time to text back which she typically does very quickly didn't answer me till about 2 a.m i was asleep by then so i woke up to it next day we had plans to hang out before i came over she texted me and said something along the lines of hey funny story so the morning after this morning after my shower i wanted to see if i could give myself a hickey on my boob and i did so now there's one lol she has big boobs so i could see how she did it but it was almost below the nipple i asked her to do it so i could see and she laughed me off it eats at me on the inside that's that's grim yeah because like fuck my dude i don't i don't

believe her i don't believe her at all why would you just be like hmm yeah today's the day yeah like firstly who gives hickeys after the age of like fucking i don't know. I'm going to admit, I hickey so goddamn easy. Like, if there's any amount of suction on sort of like a neck kiss, I'm going to get a hickey. And I fucking hate it. But have you ever hickeyed yourself on the chest? No. I mean, that would be hella impressive for me. Yeah, that would hang in my head yeah

forever as well it's a it's a bit of a i don't know but to be fair it does get worse oh god because he does add that a few months before oh a few months following this oh shit so i guess this is maybe what prompted him she said i found out i have chlamydia i think it got from a guy i slept with months before we met but like they've been going out for like so long and apparently nine months of that was unprotected sex and he somehow didn't have it yeah she cheated on yeah i was gonna maybe see if we had more conversation on the first one, but no, it's just like, dude. No. Dude.

I hope you're listening because like, oh, and the thing is, he's really reaching at the end. He's like, it's possible, right? It's possible that I just didn't get it for all that many months. And like, her boobs are big. It's possible, right? Does it make sense? Is she lying? Oh, man. Does he say it's possible, right?

That many times? Yeah, basically. Oh, boy. Like, it's just a string of questions at the end like getting more it's it's an interest like no upset then um it's one of those things like i've definitely been in situations where things have happened and i'm just in like like you tripped up you landed on the hoover and you've got just like fucking hickeys

all over your body as you fought to pull it off and it just kept sucking higher and no yeah yeah i mean yeah it happens all the time i know you need to get that hoover fixed man or vacuum cleaner but you know what i mean like where people like you know you're not getting the full story but you can't yeah you can't be an asshole and be like you're lying to me without like or you're like it's like that's technically plausible yeah then you're like hmm but you have that vibe there's such like it's such a suspicious thing when someone warns you ahead of time about something you know what i mean like but at the same time because like like that's what you do when you lie is like you try to get out in front of it. But at the same time, imagine you did do that for some fucking reason.

And then you were like, oh, this looks so bad. You would probably want to get out of here. Would you not? You wouldn't just wait and be like, oh, that? I did it. You know? I don't know. It kind of, well, again, I don't think the original premise makes sense.

But I do think either way you would mention it. One way so it wouldn't seem suspicious. both ways so it doesn't seem suspicious but i mean like one way it is and one way it wasn't let's flip it around who's hickeying under the nipple on a boob that's also fair what are you attempting to do there maybe he just has really bad aim and was going for a little like nipple suck it was really dark maybe the hickey was already there he thought the hickey was the nipple oh so there's two boys she'd already gotten the hickey but knew she had enough time to fade but then her other guy she was cheating on him with thought it was the nipple and gave it extra powers so it lasted until oh fucking sherlock did i'm sorry, man.

You cheated on me twice. So she got chlamydia from the first guy, gave it to the second guy. Cured it, but then got it back before... Oh, fuck. Didn't realize she gave it to the new guy. New guy gave it back to her. She thought she had it covered. God damn it.

How deep does this go? Just infinitely. Just everyone in the world. To the bottom of the nipple. Everyone in the world has actually given this girl a boob hickey. Oh, Claire?

And chlamydia. It's Claire. It's Claire. Chlamydia Claire. Oh, no. Don't call anybody that. Unless it's a girl from, like, the 1800s.

I've been playing a lot of Red Dead Redemption. This one is coming from Reddit user MegaYen. And he says, I have a very pretty face. But a small penis. Crying emoji. Should I even bother trying to date hello i'm 18 and in school and work a lot of girls liked me they would smile at me and stare at me constantly but i was afraid to talk to them because of my four inch erect penis i'm assuming it's not always erect

it's kind of what it makes it seem oh Oh, hey. Why are you putting words in his mouth? I guess. He told you it was erect. Yeah, that's true. Girls I would like honest... Oh, now he's just being like... Is he typing with his erect dick? I think so. He says he looks like Johnny Depp.

Is Johnny Depp pretty? I don't know. Which Johnny Depp? I mean, my girlfriend loves him, so... I mean, yeah, that's true. But does she love him because he's pretty? Does she love him because he's handsome? Does she love him because he's handsome? I think she kind of has a little crush on him.

But you could have a crush and be handsome, right? He's just totally different to pretty. I don't know. Well, I don't know. Either way, he refuses to approach girls because he's got what he assumes is a small penis. Firstly, I think anybody in the world who has a penis assumes theirs is small, no matter what evidence to the contrary yeah like unless you're walking around with like a 12 inch at which point you're like damn it my dick won't work because it's too big i can't get an erection or i fucking

pass out yeah um also i did a little research i think for the first time ever um and the average erect penis is five inches so he's like just below average that's the thing like we've heard of actually i found a reddit thing a while ago it was like what was the smallest dick you've slept with and like you know it was one of our things and i was like i don't really feel like this is a question we could answer having not slept with any dicks to my knowledge but um i i read it because i was curious and like a lot of them were real dismal results. A lot worse than that. But most of the people were like, yeah, I had a great time, though.

None of the girls really seemed to care. No one was like, yeah, it was small and it sucked. It was small, but we had amazing sex and we kept doing it for a while. So I think that's what a lot of people need to realize. That's the thing um like anytime i've ever seen this like obviously show pops up like every other question on fucking sex yeah forums and shit it's all it's like it's all a lot of like uh feelings of inadequacy about penis size um but like almost every woman will say be like that's not that like it doesn't really matter like just just fucking do it

like no like no one really cares um because like i think something like you know i think it's like three inches is the the amount of sensation that the vagina like has you know what i mean it's like a girth is a is like the really deciding factor a lot of like for penetrative stuff like a lot of the really sensitive part is actually like kind of just the A lot of like for pancreatic stuff, like a lot of the really sensitive part is actually like kind of just the first bit. Yeah, like closer to the front. It's like no one, like no woman is like,

damn it, my cervix didn't get bruised today. Like I don't, like no girl is. And like, yeah, they're going to be size queens and like that's going to suck. That's fine. I mean, there's also guys who are like, I'm not going to sleep with a girl

who doesn't have like double deep boobs. Yeah. There's people. There's going to be shit people who like look for. Specific things. And like superficial things. Yeah. But like the biggest damage that you have is like letting that affect you.

Exactly. You know what I mean? Like you're doing way more damage than a below average sized penis could ever do. Yeah. Because you're literally having zero anything because you're too scared to even start whereas like worst case you get that far that someone sees your dick which is presumably at least a kiss away if not further yeah i doubt you're just gonna whip it out but hey who knows i mean he's just walking around with a well it's constantly erect so i don't know know. But, like, yeah, you're always going to do way more damage to yourself.

But, like, also, I don't think, again, it's like if someone has a good time sexually, it's not that they're like, yo, all I'm in this for is a dick in my vagina. Like, a lot of people, as we stated before, they don't necessarily come from pants riddled with sex, if not ever or all the time. Like, if you make somebody cum and you guys have a great time they're not really going to be like that's the thing you're like just get on your four game or four play game and just four game i like that i mean yeah crush it down and your four guy and just like getting your fame your forg getting your forge your forge strike that anvil till the iron is hot

just learn your god damn like oral skills crush like just pound out a bunch of orgasms for her and like

I guarantee you no dude is gonna try that like anyone give her more orgasms than you have inches and she's not gonna do shit probably isn't working that hard

no cause like they you know what I mean they've they've been reassured by multiple or they are and they're probably married by now anyway so they're not even in your competitions you're fine worrying about penis size is the most detrimental thing i think to like men's sexuality and health because it's such like it's such a non-issue it's like the biggest thing though even though it isn't yeah it shouldn't be but like it's such a non-issue. It's the biggest thing, though.

Even though it isn't. Yeah, it shouldn't be. But all guys grow up with it all the time. And it's funny because there's so many campaigns about women loving their body. And being okay with your stretch marks. And being okay with your curves. But I can't remember any time anyone has ever told me that like love that dick penis penis size doesn't matter yeah i mean other than like you know women who have said that during like

conversations about this time you know i mean like yeah there's there's been no sort of like outreach like uh preemptive outreach well like if you look at tv shows it's the always the opposite right it's just like you know it's never it's not a kind environment for guys growing up which sucks because like i've even seen shit like on because the thing is we troll these sex and dating things trying to find good questions when people aren't sending them in to us um luckily we've been getting a good few in lately but like you see all kinds of shit you know and i've seen people being like yo like my boyfriend has like a six and a half inch dick or like a seven inch dick and it's like thick and blah blah and he's still really hung up on it like doesn't like to be seen naked is worried about guys i've slept with in the past possibly having bigger dicks when either

they have or they haven't but like it doesn't matter and this guy has this dick that's great even if it's not like whatever they're just so hung up on it and it's like what the fuck like it's it sucks that people and they're trying to convince this guy who like you know in some cases literally is doing great and is still up in his head about it and it you know i've seen that again it's not the kind of question i bring to the show because like aside from creating a conversation like this it's not one we can answer yeah you know it's and it like it's it's so funny because like yeah in media it's not one we can answer yeah you know it's and it like it's it's so funny because like yeah in media it's so prevalent that like and like pop culture and and cultural references and shit

like i can't remember who it was but someone was like big dick energy yeah and then you know i mean so like you've created this whole like hashtag that now implies that like big dick energy is you know i mean but then like small dick energy is is bad and it's like you could be like oh well you can have a small dick and have big dick energy it's like yeah but you're then yeah immediately equating small penises with shitty connotations you know exactly because big dick energy is basically good energy right or like powerful or like you know successful yeah and the first time like any guy that a girl doesn't like they mean it's like i bet he has a small dick it's like doesn't mean anything yeah like i bet he has a small dick it's like i don't mean anything yeah like i remember seeing this thing from this girl who like always posts

like feminist forward like she's upset about everything you know what i mean it's like is lego sexist um well i just want to clarify that i know you're not saying this but just because it might sound weird out of context that like you're not saying being feminist is oh yeah no no offended about i mean like this is the like the absurd side of things yeah like everything is about the patriarchy regardless you know i mean it's like yeah i remember her sharing an article about how penguins were inherently like reinforcing the patriarchy or some bullshit i'm just like what are you talking about and and she posed she shared this thing being like what would disney princess's dicks look like that's and i was like i'm sorry hold on like so you're upset that everything is objectifying

women but you can now classify men's penis size based on their personality traits and of course it's like guess who had the smallest dick guest on you know what i mean he's like the big macho like ego oh you said disney princess i thought you said what would disney princesses no sorry like princess apostrophe yeah oh man i was trying to think which disney princess would have the biggest dick i it's and that's the thing it's a shitty thing it's uh like really harmful so if you're listening and you're a guy like just don't fucking worry about it because like honestly you don't have to worry about it really like you don't like yeah i mean unless you have like a medically classified micro penis even then like but that's the thing it's like i know i know two people um i don't know the guys but i

know the women who've been with who are who one's like in a committed relationship and she has been and she's like completely sexually satisfied with with him and another person

who dated another guy who for like years and like it was it was never an issue like the reason they broke up wasn't the size of his dick yeah

and that's the thing I feel like people think like or a lot of guys anyway think dick is like the be all and end all of everything yeah which itself is i think super harmful which i think is why a lot of women don't have a lot of orgasms because they're just like dick it's all about the it's not it's like really not like take the dick out of the equation and it's like yeah like fucking you it can still be great. It's awesome, but it's not everything. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And like, you know, I feel like also. Can we just like start a hashtag? Just like hashtag love your dick. Hashtag love that dick. Love that dick. Love your dick. I don't want to like, I want to bring it back to us.

I don't want to say that dick. Cause like anyone could, anyone could love. Hashtag love your dick. Love your dick. I'm going to put that on our next next tweet but i don't know how many people are hashtagging that so we will get no extra followers it doesn't matter who knows maybe we'll find this really positive we're gonna make it happen positive movement but yeah it's just it's a pity like i've seen it a lot and it is like super harmful and you know we've all fucking

dealt with it i don't think you can be a guy and not have dealt with that a lot. You know what I mean? Like, regardless of whether you, you know, have reason to or not, because I guess you don't have reason to. Like, just fucking. Here's my, I implore anyone listening that, like, ladies don't equate male shitty behavior with small dicks the same way. Because it's, you don't know who's around and you don't know who's working with what it's the same thing it's like if you're the skinny friend and you have like an overweight friend and you're constantly talking about how fat you are that's doing such and like that's hurting your overweight friend way more than you know what i mean like you don't know what i'm talking about yeah that makes sense um i always feel like it's

just a shitty thing and it's it's like i think more like it's a dangerous shitty thing because no one thinks or talks about it really yeah you know i mean like everyone just kind of like just i don't know no one thinks about no one talks about like i've never really heard people talk about and it's like i feel like again it's almost like the sex toy thing where like guys don't feel like they can talk about it because it's almost like yeah because if you're like hey guys like if you're with your like dudes having drinks and and the conversation turns that way and you're just like yeah i mean like i'm i'm below average like that could go terrible like you could be taunted and like or even like you don't need to say that even if you're just like even suggesting like you, you know, if someone says like, oh,

size doesn't matter. They're instantly like, oh yeah, why? Because you're small or like, you know, anything like that. So I just, you know, it's just a shitty thing. And I feel like a lot of people don't talk about it. So for all the guys out there feeling anyway, insecure or whatever, like it really doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter.

You got it. You'll be fine. Like go on Reddit, find those forums. Like there's literally people like, it's actually funny. Cause there's, there's two posts. And one is like biggest dick I've ever been with and smallest dicks. And it's almost reverse because all the small stuff, most of them are like, Hey, yeah, I had a really good time.

I actually wish I could sleep with him again. Or like it went on for a long time. And a lot of the big stuff is like, yeah, it wouldn't fit. Like this thing is like, I think, i think he was rough and didn't like if you if you have a small dick or feel like you do um i think there's a reddit subreddit called big dick problems just pop over there and see what they're dealing with uh because i promise you you will realize that like the grass isn't greener on the other fence like everyone's like every guy has their own individual problems unless you've got like that just like hitting it right in the middle

sweet spot um like but even then it's like those people i i promise you feel like their dick you know what guys sweet dick energy yeah i bet your dick is sweet hashtag love your dick love your dick you got a question yeah so uh back to dicks no i actually think this is a good one uh so a user wolverator1016 on reddit asked what happens after a one-night stand i never understood it like how do you approach it what happens after what do you say and then in the details once you finish can you start up again are there rules i i'm gonna let you start i i didn't have a whole lot of one night stands like despite the fact that like i've slept with a ton of people and i went through a phase of

sleeping with like a bunch of new people um i saw most of them at least a few times after it like i've definitely had one night stands um but like those were never like i i almost always tried to sleep with people that i would want to see again. Yeah. Um, and if I, and if I, I was like, not really feeling it very rarely would I be like, well, I'll still sleep with you.

Yeah. It's definitely happened. And like, I'm not, we've all been, yeah. Like I'm not, it's not my proudest moments.

Um, uh, I don't know what the protocol, like I've, I think, I think what, don't sneak out like i think is um and if you do maybe like shoot a text be like pay that's assuming you have their number right true so are you do you mind if i cut no go go for it so i feel like i thought about this differently than what you're saying is that like, yeah, you've had a lot of like, you know, you slept with someone and that's continued.

But I feel like they started as one night stands, if you know what I mean. Like, I feel like a one night stand is kind of when you go or at least what I read into this is like, that's how it starts. And like what he's saying is like, what do you say? What do you do like can you follow up from that as i think like you have this kind of like go home from a bar like this thing and like it then can become something right i don't think he's saying like i literally want to sleep with someone once and bail because i don't think he would care but i didn't like despite my success with women while we're out i almost never went home with them.

Yeah, that was more me. Again, I'm not, I wasn't looking for one night stand. Like, they're not fun for me. But even with like Tinder or anything, what I'm saying is like this person is, what it seemed to be from like reading a little bit more of like what he replied and all that, is like the first time you sleep with someone when it's not like you've known them for three weeks or four weeks. Like if it's a Tinder date and you have a good time and you go home, or if you meet someone on night out and you go home, these are all kind of like one night stands.

Yeah, I guess. Yeah. Which have then gone well and become something else. You know what I mean? Like it's, it's one night stand material and it's like, what do you do? And I think the real important thing to note is how you act depends on two things. Well, it depends on two options, whether you want to see them again or not. Yeah.

So if you have a one night stand and you enjoy hanging out with that person, then you act one way. And if that's it for you and you want it to be a one night stand, then you act a different way. Yeah. I mean, there's no harm in saying like after you've finished and they're like do you want to stay over be like actually i got an early morning tomorrow like white lies are okay usually i'm all about like be honest be honest be honest but like if you don't want to see them again and you stay over you've given the implication that like you might be interested granted if it's like 7 a.m and you just want to like crash and have some

sleep at 7 a.m go home what are you talking about true um i think that actually the whole sleeping thing is a very good point especially also for if you do want to see them again because like i feel like you should be very cautious like if you go home with somebody you've slept with them and like just be on the alert afterwards for like for signals like you don't want to be that person that won't fucking leave if they want you to leave like maybe they don't want you to stay over maybe they want you to leave early in the morning and like it doesn't have to be a bad thing like sometimes like for myself i find it really hard sleeping if somebody's in the bed with me especially if you're like a strange person so like you know if i don't want

you over it doesn't necessarily mean i don't like you or i don't want to hang out with you it just means like i might like to sleep tonight you know what i mean or in the morning like maybe i have things to do like maybe i have friends to see maybe i just want to fucking like you're usually like if you've been out the night before or like if you've been fucking half the night like you're probably a little sweaty maybe your breath isn't the best like maybe you don been fucking half the night, like you're probably a little sweaty. Maybe your breath isn't the best. Like maybe you don't have a shower. Maybe like there's all these things where like maybe I don't want to just awkwardly see how long you're going to be here for. But I don't also want to be a dick and say leave. You know what I mean?

So you don't want to be like, can you go? I got you a cab. Oh, do you not, Dane? Here's the thing. I've done that. Once twice once or twice but i have crippling insomnia or like i did um it's gotten much better um and i found that like subtly hinting not staying over does not work um and if someone stayed over that meant i just was not sleeping like at all and and the thing is like i would be wide awake and i was so terrified that if they woke up and saw me just like just 100 awake they'd be like what the fuck is happening so i felt like it

would be better to be kind of a dick and be like and and play it off as like a, oh, I was trying to be nice. Like, I'm paying for your ride home. I got you an Uber. Yeah. As opposed to being like, oh, there's a guy who just, like, I fucked a vampire. Like, I fucked a vampire. That is the fantasy, though. I guess.

But I mean, like, not if it's. I'm part of it. Not if you sleep, like, just sitting next to you. Watching you sleep it's i'm part of it if you sleep it like just sitting next to you watching you sleep that's also part of it people love twilight all you need to do is sparkle a little bit um yeah i do feel like just being like be really open to signals and like err on the side of caution like you if especially if you like the person if you want see them again like leave just rather like spin this get the fuck just get out the vents just be nice and just be like i got an early man i gotta go yeah but like just you know err on the side of caution like you don't

want to overstay like understaying is better than overstaying and like i say if you do want to see them again or whatever like tell them you know you had fun ask them if you want to do it again like trade numbers you know and like i feel like usually you're not gonna be like oh you want to trade numbers no i feel like even if they don't be like oh you want to try numbers no i feel like even if they don't want to see you they'll probably give you a number at that point so don't think it's a done deal and if they then are not the warmest that's fine like one night stands and that's the thing even if later on they don't want to continue it doesn't mean you didn't have fun that night so don't let that taint it either like i'm sick of people being like oh i had the best

night like i met this guy and then like he's like oh sorry it didn't really work out like i don't you know and they're like oh fuck i'm like you had a fun night like just because he doesn't want to see you again or just because she doesn't want to see you again doesn't mean you didn't have fun so like don't retroactively turn it into a bad night could you print two different business cards one says one says i had a good time but and then like you know your reason why you don't want to see them again and the other one says i had a good time and here's my number i had a good time but like do you fill in the butt part like maybe in the morning yeah maybe just like but it looks like you had the third nipple but it was a hickey yeah and on the back

you could have like a little like rate me and like have them like pre-posted so they can send you back and you'll get like feedback on your sexual performance. We're going to actually start selling these on our website. Oh, it's a brilliant idea. TM, don't do it.

We did it. It's ours. We've already printed them. I mean, good, yeah. Yeah, I have them in my hand. Listen to them fall. I dropped them. Those are cards.

Yeah. It's another classic now Spain card trick on the market. Yeah, yeah. Those were cards. Yeah. It's another classic now Spain card trick on the bucket. Yeah, yeah. Those were the cards I was actually doing tricks with.

I think we should wrap it up. Yeah. Yeah. Well, guys, it's been a pleasure. I'm going to say a few things before we leave. Uh-oh.

Be nice to people. And also just thanks for... Your dick. Love your dick. You know, and love your vagina too i feel like a lot of people think their vaginas look ugly or something or they're not attractive your vagina is attractive no they're not they are this is the part where you find out i'm vehemently against vaginas yeah no dane hates no but like that's another thing i know it's not

really related but like love your vagina too just love your parts yeah love your junk love your junk love your junk 1-800 gut junk love it yeah it's a very specific reference we're sponsored by gut junk no but seriously just like be good to yourselves be good to others uh thanks for coming back we appreciate it for all you fucking heroes on a monday where i'm like being a weirdo and asking if you've listened and you've already finished the episode i love you yeah also we're getting like really weird downloads from really weird places and like if you're listening and you're in sweden or the netherlands or um fuck there was another place that was really strange come on vatican city um oh god um no there was a fuck I don't remember where it was

um please tweet us because I want to know who you are and how you found us or Facebook us or anything like if you don't personally know us you would make us so fucking happy if we found out that you're listening so let let us get to know you like send us some shit, you know? Use the email, guys. Yeah. If you do have a question, you can follow C McG's example, and you can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can tweet us at fck underscore buddies, and you can also visit us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the harvest cities for their song paper. Paper stars.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. I don't know why I freak out. Like I start to confident. I think you want to go paper planes. I want to say paper skies. Oh,

I don't know why. I'm sorry, Josh Eagle. I'm sorry, harvest cities, but thank you for your paper skies. That's me being a dick. So every week we finish off the podcast with a...

Asshole. Absolute... Just with a piece of shit. Yeah, a piece of shit from a gentleman we know as Dan. Niall trolls through the Danverse every week to find this. And I'm worried one day the Danverse is going to stare back. You can't stare into the Danvers long enough without it staring back. Yeah.

But like, I hope it stares back one day and actually learns how to be a fucking functioning human and not just this piece of shit. Because this week it gets like kind of sinister and scary. Dan has an article about how to make her regret ignoring you after a breakup. Jesus. Like, what the fuck man like his next one is gonna be like how to set off a bomb in a major city that makes everyone fall in love with you yeah no he's a fucking like and the thing is like what i love is i'm just gonna like i'm gonna read out more than one and i've tried i've wanted to do this for a while this isn't the one

i wanted to do but it's getting weird because how to make her regret ignoring you is prefaced by how to make my ex see me as the man she wants and followed by my ex asked for a rain check after canceling our meetup. No fucking wonder, Dan. Make her regret it.

Yeah, make... Oh, well, he made her regret it between how do I make her see me and oh, she canceled. Number one is leave a dead animal on her doorstep with a note pinned to it saying, you'll love me eventually. Yeah, it's like I threw a brick through her window and then she cancelled. Oh, what do I do? I cut the brake lines of her new boyfriend's car.

Oh my god. Dan, get. Okay, look down. You'll see piles or fragments of shit on the floor. Get it together. Get those fragments. Get your shit together. My name is Dave Miller. I'm an angry Niles Spang. And we're your fuck buddies.

Good night. Hashtag love your dick. Love your junk.