F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 8 - Capoeira Time Paradox

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

Things go off the rails this week as we plow straight into Tangent City.  It gets weird, it gets messy and we start to peel back the layers of our nemesis Dan's origin.  Topics include a question follow-up, how to deal with the splash zone, the vegetable boner suppressant, male pregnancy and not having teenage sex.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And my name is Niall Spain And we are your fuck buddies Fuck you microphone Fuck the mic Welcome back guys My name is Niall Spain, and we are your fuck buddies.

Fuck you, microphone. Fuck the mic. Welcome back, guys. How are you doing? Yeah, fuck you. We are a weekly dating and sex advice podcast in which we answer your... No, that's not the thing that I say. God damn it. You're getting worse. No, it's because I thing that I say. God damn it. You're getting worse.

No, it's because I threw in the weekly and I fucked up my flow. We're dating a sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Oh, shit. I did it. Nice. And we are weekly. We are weekly. We literally, the only time we ever mentioned when we release was the first one, which we got wrong.

Because we were going to do bi-weekly, but now we're not. So, yeah, we never did bi-weekly. No, we never did. But we were going to. bi-weekly, but now we're not. Yeah, we never did bi-weekly. No, we never did, but we were going to. Yeah, we didn't realize we would have as much fun doing this, and we were so eager to just record more episodes. Or as many people listening. You guys are the best. Yeah. So every Monday.

Every Monday we upload these boys. Like in the morning. They're there for your morning commute. Yeah, pretty much like they go up at 1201 monday morning like early yeah not after midday yes like the the stroke of monday we picked that because uh you know we expect you to be stroking on your monday no we don't stroke your monday yeah you said you had something to talk about yeah so remember last week uh agent cobraobra messaged us about the kind of like a little over-eager dater? We have an update.

So first I'm going to ask you to guess what happened. He showed up at her house with a horse head close. Not really, no. Showed up at her work way too drunk and then kept trying to kiss her inappropriately while she was working nice so

that's not a thing anymore so I guess it was red flag central um that's too bad is it I mean oh I guess it is

sorry it didn't work out yeah I know I guess it was off to a good start so there's always a pity when like that yes I never want to see people like not find

yeah fun that's fair oh well onwards and upwards but bonus like shouldn't waste a whole lot of time yeah exactly it's always better to get those out of the way you know quickly um but this kind of leads me into last week we while like examining the uh like the situation we're like it's not officially red flag territory but it is indicative of maybe problematic behaviors so i found another one and i think it's just red flags so it is from dating advice reddit user colors 32 and it is confused about dating exclusivity i went on two dates with this guy i met on tinder we've talked for nearly two weeks and although i like him i feel we're moving kind of fast

told me after the first date he deleted all his Tinder matches he's really into me tells me how often he talks about me and say something like you should come on my family fishing trip that's in a year makes a lot of jokes about him her still sticking around and said that not only did he delete

all his Tinder matches he then deleted the tinder app so he can focus on her and is telling her just over and over how strong he feels she likes him he's sweet awkward shy and funny but i've been on the fence i'm not completely physically attracted to him i think facially he's cute but i feel so bad because i'm not attracted to his body and basically same shit he talks about being exclusive future plans etc and like he's kind of feeling he's kind of making her feel very guilty he's laying it on very thick that he's doing all this thing these things that she feels like he expects to be reciprocated but like she doesn't want to yeah i think that's red flag fucking oh yeah there's i think there's a lot of layers to the things that are going on. One, why waste your time if you're not attracted to him?

Well, yeah. That's first and foremost. Not to throw shade at her or anything, but if you're kind of like, well, meh. I think she was saying she is attracted to him. She just likes his face and his personality, not his body. I guess. So I guess she's trying to figure out whether that's a deal breaker or not, which I get. Yeah.

Okay. That's fair. Um, yeah. I mean, you said on the first date he was like, yeah, I deleted my matches. Cause also, I mean, I don't want to sound like I'm bragging here, but like deleting every individual match is kind of a pain in the ass. Like, that's not something that like a sane person would do. Yeah, but also...

It's like going through your entire Facebook profile and like deleting all of your posts one by one. Yeah. It's so fucking tedious. To be fair, maybe this person doesn't have many. That's fair, yeah. If he had like four matches, then fuck it. It also sounds like bullshit. Like, that's the weird thing.

Like deleting Tinder. One thing still fucking weird. But like being like, I deleted my matches, my current matches. But yeah, it's like I was going to say that until he said like, oh, and then he actually deleted the app. Yeah. I was like, OK, that's I thought that's what he meant was that he deleted Tinder. But then she was like, I think second date. He's like, no, not deleted the app.

And it's like, Jesus, dude. That's insane i feel like if anybody says that to you on the first date like let's get the fuck out of there it's it sounds like he probably doesn't get a lot of opportunities and she's shown him the correct combination of attention um and he's just fucking he's crossed it He's crossed his wires, and now it's like he thinks that this is his one and only... Yeah. This is his eight mile. But I feel like if she's on the fence about him in general, this is going to tip her off.

This is setting the fence on fire, and not in a sexy way. Yeah. Yeah, no. I mean, there are two things to talk about. One, from her side of things is like you kind of need to be up front right off the bat like if you're sort of like i think maybe we should slow down like that needs to come out uh sooner rather than later as we discussed yeah last week uh and but then like if on his side of things, chill the fuck out.

So like, I agree with you, but in her defense, it's been two dates. Yeah. Like, I mean, there's not been that much time for her to be like, yo, slow down. But that's, yeah. You can also sort of like surmise that this is probably going to end messy. Oh, gotcha. Um, and I know you've got a little bit of flack for saying ghosting is sometimes a valid reason. But I mean, this is kind of a scenario where I don't think ghosting is the worst idea.

Because, I mean, obviously, tell the poor guy. Just tell him. And I think it's more likely a thing where ghosting will be necessary yeah because he's laying it on this fucking heavy yeah i think it might be one of those things where you know a week will go by and be like i can't stop thinking about you you know what i mean and i think at that point you just kind of have to like cease communication and just sort of let him you know fucking meth sweat it out yeah i feel like i don't know even if you're like hey there's this family thing we're going on in a year like you should come and you've been dating for like six months that's still a bit of a like because that's

another like 200 of your relationship and the family commitment like it's a bigger it's a big deal then let alone the fucking second date. Yeah. Like, so, the reason why I'm bringing this up is like, this is the worst case of that. You know what I mean?

It's a lot worse. I don't know if it's worst case. It's like a worst case, not worst case. Yeah, okay. Sorry. I kind of didn't say the A. It's not worst case at all,

but it is a worse case than last week. So that was an example of maybe red flags. This is an example of just fucking getting smacked in the face with a red flag that's been sharpened. Don't know if you know how flags work. Flag poles. Okay. Or it just could be like a bladed scarf, you know, that's actually a flag. Sure. You want a question?

Yeah go for it I feel like we've fallen off the sex train again Speak for yourself So I'm Going to get us back on the rails Hell yeah I've recently started Oh boy

I've recently started sleeping with a new girl. She's awesome and I'm having a great time with her, but she's a squirter. Don't get me wrong, I also think this is awesome and super hot, but the problem is my apartment is almost entirely carpet, except for the bathroom. She's like a goddamn fountain sometimes, and it almost always ends up on my carpet. I didn't think much of it, but after a few months of repeated soakings, my roommates have begun to remark on a certain funk when they visit me in my room.

How can I keep my curl gushing while still getting my security deposit back when I move out? And the thing is, doing it in the bathroom is fucking dangerous too, because they start squirting and all of a sudden you can't stand on tiles. Yeah, it just becomes a fucking death trap.

I literally almost died once in that exact situation. I mean, this is kind of why I don't like shower sex, because I... Oh, shower sex is the fucking worst. Yeah. I always thought we'd get a question in about it, and I was just ready to unload. Yeah.

Like, yeah. Lots of tarp. See, I kind of had this sort of situation before my apartment, like literally flooded and all my carpet got ripped up and replaced with, uh, like tile or like linoleum. Yeah. Um, and it all comes down to like strategic placement. Unfortunately, there are some things like for me, it was like the easiest way for me to make this one woman come

was i had her bent over my bed so like she was there was nothing like blocking it was just all it was just coming right to my carpet um and like yeah it after a while it it gets a little it gets a little funky and it's not like an unpleasant it it's not like, of course not. But it is, although maybe eventually. It is, you know, it does have that waft of, yeah,

but like, sexual juices. I feel like just, is heavy duty carpet cleaner an option? Just like every time they leave, you get one of those scrubby carpet things and you just go to town. You'll probably have the cleanest

fucking carpets of anybody. But here's the problem. You're going to have a very specific clean area. Oh, you got to do the whole thing. carpets of anybody. But here's the problem. You're going to have a very specific clean area. Oh, you got to do the whole thing. That's fucking annoying though. It is, but just think of the benefits. You're going to have such a clean carpet.

I guess. You can eat food off the carpet. Every person's dream. But imagine you're hooking up with this person every... Just ignore that part? Yep. I'm going to keep moving. Imagine if you're having sex with her like three times a week.

You're scrubbing your goddamn carpet. They do it at the end of the week. Um, what I found worked was, um, murder tar. Febreze. Um, is that not just masking it? There is one that like, I don't know the science and I don't know if it's just fucking add mumbo jumbo, but like there are ones that like seem to sort of draw the odor out of the carpet um there's one i don't remember the specific but it's in like a black bottle with a purple handle and i found that was the uh

that was the way to go because it was also like it also started getting into my mattress as well well that's the thing is like if it soaks into your carpet like if you're just regularly soaking your carpet it's gonna start to like rot and get moldy and shit like i don't think fabrice is gonna you know i mean like another thing you can do is just sort of after the fact throw a towel down yeah like give it a stomp and and maybe just lay a towel down in the first place that's that's the other thing which like will help it's not going to be perfect but once you've reached a certain level of comfort

um I think there's sort of you can have that conversation being like hey like let me just quickly grab a towel

it kind of sucks like when you're starting to get things going because like it's kind of a mood breaker yeah but like to be like you know

you know what I mean like getting hot and heavy and be like BRB get my towel get my cum towel ready if you to be, like, you know what I mean? Like, getting hot and heavy and be like, BRB, get my towel. Get my cum towel ready. If you have one handy and, like, you know, I'm sure they're aware of what they do. And I doubt they're, you know, unaware of, you know, the issue. So, you throw that towel, I doubt they're going to care.

And, like, yeah, if you have to be like, hold on. And, like, you're, like, sniffing your towels. And you're, like, digging through and you're like, fuck. And, you know. Yeah. But if you just know they're coming over or, like, just have a towel ready, not the worst. It's probably going to take the same amount of time as putting on a condom or whatever. Yeah.

You know. And that's partly sexy. It's funny. I always, like, I was never a big fan of sort of, like, outdoor public or like sneaky like sofa go around it is but like my big problem was i always have sex with a condom um and i like there's just something weird about being like wanting to fuck someone immediately and then like awkwardly like pulling your pants down just enough and then like pulling a condom out and then you know what i mean like it just sort of like i always thought it took away from the like whole passion of the moment but like it does add to the like danger of getting

caught because like you're less thinking about in the act but at that moment when you're just like doing stuff you need to do this is like 100% a hang-up that i had and like every girl that ever proposed it to me was just like no like oh fuck yeah it doesn't it doesn't ruin the and i so like i think my idea of like getting this towel being a sort of like a a screeching halt i think that's just sort of like my hang-up yeah which i think other people probably also have but i like nine times out of ten women that i've talked to have been just like am i still going to come? Because I don't give a fuck.

Yeah. And that's the thing. It's like, if it does take five, six minutes, sure. If you're doing weird stuff with the towel, sure. If you're just grabbing one and laying it down, you know. If you're folding like a little origami swan. Oh, man. That'd be so hot. Little origami cup.

But yeah, no, I've never like, Toronto a con that's so quick as well like you're yeah you know i don't know there's just something about like the like the interruption of the act that yeah i don't know but i feel like i throw on a wrench in the gears you also generally have to like have a little quick glance around when you're having like adventurous outdoor sex to make sure like you're good to go that's a perfect time to be throwing one on true yeah i've never found it to be an issue um yeah here's i'm gonna throw in a little aside about squirting because i always thought this was really fucking funny like i think it's so funny that like girls never sort of give you a warning or a heads up yeah like there is this one time where I was fucking a girl on my couch.

And she didn't tell me that she was a squirter or going to squirt. And she just fucking hauled off and came all over my couch. And I was just like... Can you imagine if you did that? That's exactly... That's my point. I'm like, can you imagine if I was... And, like, you're dealing with a lot less volume. If I was fucking a girl on her couch and then I was just like, I'm going to come.

And then I just pull out and just jizz all over your cushions yeah like you'd be like what the fuck are you doing yeah and like when you jizz it's not as much as like a like a fucking proper order like that shit's like 20 if not 50 times like it's insane you're pretty much pouring like a gallon of water it's like oh sorry i brought my bucket what you gonna do now but like trip tokea? I always just thought it was so funny, like, just, like, the mental image of me... Yeah, just, like, fire hosing. Just pulling out, just hauling off it, and just, like, fucking coming on a couch. Yeah.

Like, just arbitrarily. Yeah, I've never gotten a heads up. And, like, you know, the bathroom time in question, it was so, like, ridiculous amounts that, like, this can't have been the only time. They had to have been aware yeah and like fuck like it was like that 2012 movie fucking title waves yeah ladies maybe give us a heads yeah like that's i've never ever heard anyone talk about that fucking be polite um and i don't like i can't think of a single time

a guy's ever been like, gross, she's squirting. Oh, no. If someone's like, yo, just a heads up, like, this is probably going to get pretty wet and wild in here,

like, because one, they're saying that they're probably going to, you know, be very turned on by you and enjoy sex, and two, it's hot as fuck, so. Yeah. Squirting's fucking cool as hell,

so, I mean, I guess there's the worry that, like. Not squirting's fine, too, by the way, for those out there, but. I guess maybe there's the worry of being like, I'm a squirter, and then if you don't squirt, you might. Yeah. But, I mean, I guess there's the worry that like, by the way, yeah, it was out there, but I guess maybe there's the worry of being like, I'm a squirter. And then if you don't squirt,

you might. Yeah. But I mean like just throw the possibility, be like, Hey, just so you know, like occasionally. And if you know anything,

you'll know that's fair. Yeah. Um, and bring your own organic cup. Also stop ruining people's goddamn couches. You sex vandals. Oh, fucking assholes.

Got a question? Yeah. Hit me. Man, I have so many varied questions that I don't actually know where to start. I'm just going to go

with this one because this is fucking awful. This is probably going to be a quick one. But it's just baffling. I need to share it with everybody.

So this is for Ask Women Advice. How would you respond if someone came up to you and said, I feel that you are pregnant? I need to share it with everybody. So this is for Ask Women Advice. How would you respond if someone came up to you and said, I feel that you are pregnant? So further, further details. She's a very close friend of my mom. I see her often.

My mom sees her every day. She claims to be sensitive. And she fucking says it in front of her mom. Like, she comes in for tea with her mom. The daughter's like, you know, hey, Claire. And she's like, I feel like you're pregnant. And, like she comes in for tea with her mom daughter's like you know hey claire and she's like i feel like you're pregnant and like walks into the kitchen oh she's calling out the daughter yeah yeah the mom's friend in front of the mom got is calling out the daughter who is now freaking out and like you know it's too early to do her test because the last time she could have had sex to get pregnant was really quickly and like i don't understand why you'd fucking trust this person but like why would

you do that for somebody's mom and like the mom apparently is like super awkward with the daughter now and like claire's just like strutting around the house like bye guys what the fuck what would you do dude your mom's sensitive friend said that to you i mean i'd be fucking freaked out i i didn't know i could get pregnant i know but you i feel like you are sorry i that's i had to break his own i feel like you're pregnant you got that glow is this it's like oh can we make junior two i think that yeah junior is the one where arnold schwarzenegger gets pregnant it sounds amazing why haven't i seen this? Have you not seen this? Oh, man.

Yeah, he, like, he figures out how to get men pregnant. And then he gets men pregnant or gets himself pregnant? Well, I think, like, the thing was, like, everyone's like, this will never work. So he does it to himself, and then he gets pregnant. Is it a comedy? Is it serious? It's, yeah, no, it was Arnold Schwarzenegger's breakout. If he gets Schwarzenegger pregnant, it could never not be funny. Yeah. It was around the same time, like, he started doing all those comedies, like, yeah, no, it was Arnold Schwarzenegger's breakout. Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant. It could never not be funny.

Yeah. It was, it was around the same time. Like he started doing all those comedies like Jingle All The Way and Twins. I don't know why it happened, but I'm glad it did. Um, I, yeah, I feel like calling anyone out, like there've been so many times where I've been on the streetcar and I've offered my seat to a woman uh thinking she was pregnant yeah uh but she was just overweight but like you don't have to say oh you have this because you're pregnant if you're like just y'all have the seat yeah can like there have been times where i've just like um like someone got up and was like

you want to sit i was like oh no like i'll let the pregnant lady sit and like yeah and like never be specific i know i it was more of like me calling out like the one person who was gonna sit down you know what i mean being like yeah you know what i mean it'd be like no i'm gonna let the person with the crutches sit down you know what i mean like being like you fucking asshole let this poor lady say i always err on the side of caution oh i've learned like i i'm in mortal fear of that i'm also whenever anyone's like i'm pregnant and i'm like there's a brief pause where like i'm like do i say congratulations or like shit misery you know yeah because i guess whenever someone's telling you it's usually positive but like i guess in my head they'll

be like shit if i found out right now that suck. So there's always that beat and they like look at you and you're like, congratulations. Yeah. Yeah. I once worked with a guy who went to a table of women who, when he offered them drinks, they said like, oh no, like we're on the pop tonight or something. And he was like, good. Like I, when people come in here pregnant and like try order drinks, like I feel so awkward and blah.

And they were like, why? Why would you say that? And he was like, cause what? And they were like, what? And he was like, try order drinks. Like, I feel so awkward. And they were like, why? Why would you say that? And he was like, because what? And they were like, what? And he was like, oh, no. Yeah, he didn't last long. Because they ate him alive. No, they killed him.

They didn't. He got fired. I don't really know how to answer this question. Yeah, I just, I saw that and I was just horrified. Honestly, I fell kind of down a rabbit hole because I went into, I tried to like get some fresh material. So I went into teen relationships. Oh no. I went into general dating.

I went into Christian dating. Christian dating is the best because every answer is such bullshit so like one was like oh my ex is like flirt texting me flirtily and like i don't think she'd make a godly wife so as much as i want to go back with her i feel like i shouldn't and someone like their answer was prayerfully block her how do you block someone prayerfully just fucking block them what's that even mean i know what it means fuck you but the majority of other answers are just like ask god it's like oh i'm i'm a i'm so heavily religious that i joined the thing called christian dating and i never thought of that step oh fuck why didn't i ask god first instead of the internet it's so good one of my favorite things on the internet is the article about how,

um, there's this like married couple or, you know, uh, a couple that like are saving themselves for marriage. And it ends with them being like, and anytime Steve feels a little frisky, he eats an entire raw potato to quell the,

just like the best solution. Just being like, well, I could jerk off. I could try to fuck my fiance, but give me that goddamn potato. It's the only way I can stop this. I've been pretty horny before. No fucking vegetable at all would stop that.

Nothing would. If you had to eat a raw tomato, that wouldn't kill your boner. Oh, it'd make me feel ill, and I'd probably throw up up and I'd be like, oh, well, still horny. No. Yep. I promise you that would ruin your dick. No. Maybe like in the moment.

I don't think I'd be erect mid tomato, but right afterwards I'd be like, like literally a moment of like milliseconds afterwards. I'd be like, well, ordeal's over. Like really? Would it stop you? I mean, I don't know. If someone was like, eat this entire fucking cucumber. Yeah, it'd be the fucking worst.

I think I'd probably, I think that'd probably ruin my day. It would ruin my day, but I could have a terrible day and still be horny. Yeah. What the fuck are we talking about? I don't know. Okay, I'm going to get back to that. Okay, do you want a Christian dating advice question? Oh, fuck.

Or do you want a teen dating advice question? Wait, fuck. Or do you want a teen dating advice question? Wait, wait, wait. We got to roll back. We got to roll back. This was a very specific request. The squirter question came in from someone. They wanted to remain anonymous, but they wanted you to assign them an agent code name. Oh, okay.

They're going to be Agent Velvet. Cool. Do I know this person uh nope well agent velvet i feel like i do now yeah yeah no they were just really they really liked agent cobra so did agent cobra yeah she was even like yo you can use my real name but i kind of dig agent cobra so yeah guys if you want to remain anonymous and you want to like send your questions. I will assign you an agent name. Or assign yourself an agent name. Oh, you can do that. Yeah. That's one thing I keep forgetting to clarify with people is if you are sending in a question,

let us know if you want to remain anonymous or not. Or just give us the name you'd like to go by is the easiest way to do it. Yeah. Because we'll always err on the side of caution. So, you know. Yeah. If you don't tell us, Niall, we'll give you an agent code name. Yeah.

All right, hit me with a teen question. Okay, cool. I'm going to do two because one is just baffling and one is actually, you know. So, my girlfriend, 17, just sent me 16 stories on Instagram of lingerie. Is she trying to say something? 16? Oh, he's 16. Yeah.

She's 17. he's 16 so i she's 17 he's 16 she got sent he sent she sent him stories of lingerie is she trying to say something nope next yeah probably it's like it's just it's great um i wish i could go back in time and remember how sweet and fucking naive. No, how dumb you were. Like, someone sends you a fucking, like, emoticon because emojis weren't invented back then. And it's like, she sent me a rose at the end of this email. What does it mean? Does she want my dick? What does it mean?

Man, let me tell you this story. And it's... We are nailing it with questions today. Go for it. I often think back on this story and be like what the hell was I doing so when I was a teenager I was in like

grade fucking nine or ten I don't know what that is everyone in the fucking world knows what it is no what age were you

makes it easier we have fucking listeners in Kenya and Sweden 14 I think 14 or 15 cool

I don't even actually know but I was I was I was an early teenager yeah yeah um and I was like every now and then I would like go over to this girl's house when we'd make out um and and someone would come and time you right she she no it's only movie theater times um she was she actually gave me my first blow job um on lunch break and uh anyway one day she was like my friend's gonna come along too and i was like sweet so like i had my first like teenage makeout threesome and then they both offered to like cooperatively give me a blow job and i said no yeah and i don't like i don't know why i don't remember the reasoning i don't know i think i was like trying to play it cool and be like no

today was all about you yeah i i did something similar not quite as cool but equally as stupid where like when i was younger like two of the hottest girls that i had even ever seen in my life at that point were a year above me and like we'd all kind of hang out in the group I was like one of the younger ones uh at one point we were like all hanging out and there was this alley and they're like we want you to come down this alley with us so I go down the alley with us and they're like we'll like pull up our tops and show you our boobs and I was like no and they were like no we will we will. And I was like, no. And like, I, like, why? I think like part of it was that I didn't want to be perceived as being creepy or pervy.

Yeah. I was like, no, I'm not gonna. It's just like, I don't know. Would have been great at the time. Yeah. It's, it's weird. Cause like people think teenagers are just like, I need tits and I need to put my dick in or on something.

Oh God. Anything. i wanted to see so badly but i was trying to be nice and polite yeah i don't know and like i honestly don't think they would have cared they seemed really confused yeah i remember there is there was like a party where these two girls were like just going at each other um in like a closet and a bunch of us were watching and i was just like i'm going to leave um and i don't think that was a bad choice i think that's a weird situation yeah i think i'd do that like even like throughout my entire life i probably would have made that call um but like as a 13 year old teenager being like i don't want to see two topless girls make out yeah it seems strange

yeah i don't know. Okay. 16-year-old guy. Yeah, she's trying to tell you something. She's fucking sending you naked pictures. No, they're not of her in lingerie. Oh. They're people's Instagram stories. Like, of, like, just lingerie.

So I assume maybe models wearing lingerie. That's why I got off this, right? I thought she was sending him, like, a big long story. But, like, it's also's also like they're going out. They're almost 18. Like unless they just started, like what the fuck could she be trying to say? Like, Oh,

I want to fuck. Yeah. You're dating. Like you're teenagers. Contrary to what we just said. I don't know. Anyway, I just thought it was funny.

Like, is she trying to say something? Cause it's either very clear that she is or very clear that she isn't. There's not really much gray. He's like, was it an accident something because it's either very clear that she is or very clear that she isn't there's not really much gray he's like was it an accident and it's like if it was of her then i fucking hope it wasn't an accident yeah and if it wasn't of her then what the fuck do you think she's trying to say anyway this is how we expand our audience this one's for the teens how do it that sounds so creepy i don't know why. Don't say that. How do I keep our relationship fresh? This just sounds ridiculous from a teenager.

I'd like to ask for help. Been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for close to a year now. I'm afraid that it is starting to lose its magic. How do I keep things fresh? We're both 15. I love her more than anything in the world. I have to admit, I've become emotionally dependent on her. Oh, boy.

Yep. Well, first problem. I've noticed that she isn't as enthusiastic anymore. I'd like to reignite the spark. We both share a lot of interests. Music, movies, reading. She's an artist. I write. We explored every single nook and cranny in our town over the course of the last year.

Went to cinema together a bunch of times. She helped me look after my little brother. We even went to the zoo and we go biking quite often. Please do not recommend sex. Okay. Thanks events for the help and have a good day. You're 15. You're in a small town. You've explored every nook and cranny, gone to the

movies a couple of times, and she's even helped you with your little brother. What the fuck left is there to do? No sex. Couples counseling. You have to do it. Yeah, that's fair. I think it's the only way to keep their teen marriage alive. to be fair a year at 15 is a long time that's yeah that's an entire school year

no it's longer but yeah well you know what i mean um that year is a whole year so yeah that's that's a fucking long time for a 15 year old. I don't know. My first relationship was like three years and I was like 14 or whatever, 13 or 13. I don't know. I like, there's not a whole lot. It's not that you can be like, go on a real cool trip. You know what I mean? Cause you're fucking 15. Well, like you might be like, I wish I knew where they were.

Cause like, I'm sure you get a bus to like a nearby, like place. That's like a little bit out of the way or like, I don't know. Yeah. Well, they're going on a camping the way or like i don't know yeah well their parents camping trip with like i don't know i feel like a good thing to do would be to join like a club together like maybe take like dance lessons or maybe you know uh like learn a skill together you know go to a sailing fucking course something like that yeah go to a game shop and play dnd together fuck yeah that would be awesome that would be awesome. That would be awesome. You write, she's an artist, that would lend itself quite well to that.

Yeah. Fucking work on a graphic novel together. Yeah. Yeah. Get her to teach you how to draw, and you can teach her how to write, and then you guys can just trade stuff. It would be great. Yeah.

Find a project. Yeah, do something like that. And maybe... Sex? Yeah, just fuck. i like what like i'd love to know like the rationale behind that probably it's a crossover from christian dating to be fair i when i was young i didn't want to have sex at all yeah um because i like my goal was to get out of my my hometown as fast as i could without a baby you can't have a baby if

you don't fuck and i know that's crazy but my hometown is like yeah i could without a baby you can't have a baby if you don't fuck and i know that's crazy but my hometown is like oh yeah i could accidentally adopt a kid at 15 oh it happens fuck like i know people whose relationships have started to fizzle and like you talk to them and they haven't done something new they haven't like had like a date night where like she picked something or he picked something they haven't had like a course together or like a project or like anything and i'm like you guys like you know you can't just stop you know what i mean yeah just because you grow older you shouldn't be like well we drink and we watch breaking bad i also feel like a lot of people who fall into this sort of like rut is because they don't have outside interests outside of the relationship you

know what i mean it's like they they do together. They have the same circle of friends. They hang out with the same friends. They do the same thing every week. And they, like, it's okay. I mean, the troubling thing is him being like, I'm emotionally dependent. Yeah, I was going to say that at the end, where, like, there are good things you can do

in the general sense. The fact that he seems to be like that, it's like, no, dude, you're going to, like, she's probably pulling back because you're gearing in you know yeah um yeah like i think a lot of strain gets put on relationships when the only thing that you guys have is each other um if you guys have outside interest like if she's like i'm gonna take dance lessons and you're you decide you're gonna do i don't know fucking martial arts class or something. Yeah. Or vice versa. And you develop your own lives independent of each other.

That's how capoeira was made. Yeah. Yeah. It's, yeah, when a dancer and a martial artist didn't have sex. Yeah. God, if they had sex, we wouldn't have that beautiful, beautiful form. And yeah, they were like, they were having problems with their relationship. And then they listened to our podcast and we were like, start a project together. And we're like, fuck, if we mix martial art and martial arts and dancing, then fuck capoeira.

So this podcast that hasn't come out yet or has just come out is the result of a dance art. No, we made it. Yeah. No. Dance fighting is the result of a dance art. No, we made it. Yeah, no. Dance fighting is a result of this podcast. This episode specifically. Oh God, the time. Yeah, I know.

That's the thing. When you mix such primal forces as dance and martial arts, it can do some weird shit with time. They told me about it just before the episode. So that's why I knew to look at teen dating. It's kind of weird. I hope this't mess with the continuity continuity of our other episodes like for example if you listen to episode six there might be an extra 30 seconds in there that wasn't there before um this episode's a fucking disaster this is you know what's funny it's the

cheapest whiskey we've drank while recording this, so maybe the quality of whiskey we drink is the quality of output we output. I think that is the case, because there was a day when we had cider, and we were just like, we got real fucking weird. Well, I had a cider and you had a beer, and we got real fucking weird. We did get weird. It got real dark. Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to ask a question. Cool. That's a real question. Hey. Okay, I'm going to ask a question. Cool. That's a real question. Hey. And isn't about kids not fucking. This one also comes in anonymously. I moved to a new place. Oh, my God.

I get so excited to read a question. You just decide it would be quicker and better if I make all the words into one. I moved into a new place about three months ago. So wait, whose place is this? I'm going to beat you to death with this microphone. I moved into a new place about three months ago. Congratulations. At the bottom of the building is a bar that I've become somewhat of a regular at.

I've developed a bit of rapport with one of the servers and found myself crushing crushing pretty hard i think she's into me too if i'm there when she finishes her shift she'll sit down with me and have a drink or two can i ask her out without being a creep yes if you do it after if you've got take two things into mind i don't do it when she's on shift. If afterwards she's joining you and it's just you and her, sure. But then listen to our episode from last week and never go back to that bar. Yeah, you pretty much have to understand that if you're asking someone out at their place of work, regardless of whether she says yes or no, that place is dead to you and you're never allowed to go back in. Yeah, exactly.

Because if you say yes, then you're going to come back and get fucking shit face and try to kiss her in the middle of her shift. It's going to be awkward. Yeah. If she says no, then you're going to get drunk and be like, fuck you. Or throw a chair at her. Yeah. It's... Well, no, obviously not that.

But like, you just, you got to give her her space. Also, maybe don't go heavy off the bat. Like, don't be like be like hey we're having drinks like let's go out out as like a you know yeah there's a very casual way of doing this and that's inviting her to another bar after you know what i mean like if she's had a drink with you after a shift be like hey i know another place do you want to go there yeah because then you can sort of like transition into a date without being yeah specifically you know what i mean and then you can read the situation

and like at the end of that you'd be like hey i had a really good time would you like to do like yeah how about we hang out someday when we have a little bit more time like be like oh it's a pity like i had a really good night it's a pity that we started hanging out at like 145 when your shift ended yeah like maybe like if you're free during the week you want to hang out on a different day and if she's you know she says no get over it and if she says yes cool work from there but again you got to be really careful with the amount of times you go to that bar now yeah yeah it's one of those things where like if this is a place that's kind of special to you and you like going there you got to make a choice if you've you've got to sort of like rein it back and you're

because this is where she works and she might not always want to see you. Yeah. Even if you're not going there to see her, even if you're not going there, like just your presence being there while she's doing her own thing, which is paying her fucking bills. It's always going to be in the back of your mind. Is a distraction. Yeah. So keep that in mind. And you made a good point.

Like she's actually sort of breaking the fourth wall when she sits down with you and has a drink yeah i would say if you just were crushing on her and she was always friendly to your table don't ask her out yeah that's the thing that's her fucking job she's being paid to be nice to you and she's doing it because you will give her money because she was nice to you yeah and if you put her in the position where she has to say something that might not make you very happy, that's probably one going to negatively impact her tips. But like two, she doesn't like you're putting her in a position where like it's bad for her to tell the truth if she doesn't want to. So it's just a shitty position. Yeah.

You're pretty much holding her truth hostage. Yeah, exactly. It's a really shitty thing to do. And I feel like that should be kind of like a hard and fast role when it's anyone's workplace yeah like yeah this thing like whether she's a fucking cashier at a coffee shop or you know what i mean your lawyer yeah like anyone that is currently being paid to be nice to you which is pretty much anyone yeah then don't ask them out just fucking relax and like of course there are exceptions you know i mean if there's one of those things where like you guys just hit it off and you feel like it's kind of like a now or never moment be like here's

my number you know what i mean like don't don't request anything from them yeah you can put the ball in their court exactly yeah you know acknowledge that it's a it's a wild thing to do but be like you're fucking awesome here's my number i would love to grab coffee with you yeah and then hey if you want to hang out another time like here's my number like if not totally get it but like you know yeah don't you know don't request an answer from no if you ask them for their number or you ask them for anything, like, again, their truth's kind of hostage. They have to be in this position where they either fuck themselves over by upsetting you or, like, give you this, sure, that then you're going to take as a hard and fast yes that is not going to be true.

Also, you could be fucking crazy. I imagine, like, a cute barista gets asked out several times a day. Yep. So just fucking relax. Give her the power. Hand it over to her. And then don't be a fucking weirdo if it doesn't go your way.

Yeah, if it doesn't pan out, that's cool. It happens. There are millions of people. Billions even. Come on now. Let's be realistic. We actually answered

and asked a good question. We did it. Well, let's pack up. So, friend of the show, Allie, who, one, was kind enough to give us a question. Two, was in the position where I actually remembered to ask her if she wanted her name. She was cool with it. I'm going to call her Agent Foxglove anyway. Ooh.

Or Agent Foxtrot. Ooh. Both. Agent Foxtrot, Foxglove. Anyway. Or Agent Foxtrot. Ooh, both. Agent Foxtrot, Foxglove. Anyway, so she is asking if we agree with the five date rule. I don't know what that is. Me neither. Thank you.

Okay, I was like, the fuck is that? She had to explain it. And apparently it is, she says, girl thing, where if you meet somebody and you want to date with them date them you have to wait five dates before and I quote hanky panky initially it was sex but then it was clarified to be like any sort of

you know like even kissing I think kissing is alright here's my thing having hard and fast rules for dating is the dumbest fucking thing because we are humans and as human beings um one of like the greatest things about us is our free will and our ability to act on impulse yeah we should be striving for sexual parity you know what i mean we should be striving so that men and women are on the same level playing field of sexual experience

encounters pleasure you know what i mean so comfort to yeah to sort of make this weird arbitrary timeline in which you can't satisfy yourself because you think that it's going to do something in regards to your relationship like to already start a relationship on sexual manipulation yeah is fucking crazy yeah because like if you don't want to sleep with someone for five days don't that's fine yeah you know i mean if that's if that's not an impulse that you have by all means you're not obligated to have sex with someone but if after if you have this great first date and there's chemistry in abundance and you're so attracted to this person and you just want to go home and fuck his brains out yeah it's so mind-boggling to me to be like i'm gonna deny myself that because of some arbitrary because i promise you it doesn't

matter yeah it doesn't matter i would rather I would rather be with someone where we burn out in five dates because we've expended our passion. And then we're like, oh, we actually don't really have anything outside of our physical sexual attraction. Yeah. And be like, cool. Then not experience that relationship truth. See, so I haven't really answered yet because I figured we were on the same page and I didn't want to just overload

or like, you know, double up or see if it ain't new because yeah, 100%. It's the big, it's any, so every single situation is different. Every single person, every single connection is different. So when you're like,

oh, here's this one rule for all of them that literally doesn't make sense. Firstly, how do you know you want to date somebody? Do you go into every meetup being like, has to be five dates or else? At which point you're probably never going to get laid. Or if you do, you're going to jump on it in the fifth date, even if you don't want to, because you finally reached that five mark. Or you're going to find people you like, withhold sex and be like, okay, I'm going to wait.

And maybe you'll get to the five date mark. Maybe you won't. Or you'll meet someone and be like, oh, I don't want to date this person. So I'm going to fuck them. Yeah. Because you can't have sex without doing this big commitment

unless you're fucking people that you already admit to yourself you don't like. Yeah. Which sounds like a recipe for disaster. And that's how so many people end up these like really toxic fuck buddy situations where they're like oh this guy's an asshole but he's good like the sex is good so it's like cool so you're not gonna you're not gonna actively have a sexually beneficial relationship with someone you're actually into instead you're gonna validate some guy who treats you like shit because of this weird moral standard that you've set for yourself but then repeatedly

break yeah i feel like you just should do what you want to do like if you are on a date you don't want to sleep with somebody don't if you're on a date and you do want to sleep with somebody do if you want you know what i mean because if i think what it stems from is like the whole guys only want one thing so it's like they don't want to give it away too early because if they do they'll just be gone and like almost it's the opposite because if you do sleep with someone that again i will reiterate you want to if you don't want to sleep with somebody don't fucking sleep with them if you do it's up to you right shouldn't be up to a rule but like if you do sleep with somebody and they're like well peace bye got what i wanted like do you think they're gonna be like well i put in five

dates yeah i gotta stick with them now for life because one if that was true that would suck and two but they're not gonna do that they're gonna be gone and you're just gonna have committed five dates and six presumably and then you're gonna be even worse for wear because you've wasted all this time and like put effort and like i guess a bit of hope in like it's not gonna fix the fucking problem also if i like if i knew this was a thing and i was like trying to sleep with someone and they kept being like nope nope no and then magically on date five they were like yeah okay i'd be like okay how much of the like where else has this bullshit bled into you know are you also gonna do you also have a rule of being like after four weeks we got

to be exclusive yeah or like you know i don't have to tell them if i made out with another guy because that's not you know what i mean? Have you made other arbitrary bullshit rules that you're not going to disclose and that I will only find out through some stupid... Yeah, like you're playing a game that you haven't been told the rules to? Yeah, I don't... No one wants to play that game.

What if you found out that if guys had a thing being like, oh, if I don't sleep with someone within three dates, I'm not going to see them again. Yeah. You know what I mean? You like people lose their fucking mind. Yeah. And then everyone who did want to sleep with you in the first three,

you'd be like, Oh really? Oh yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it would become this weird thing. I don't know. I feel like any of these blanket rules are bullshit.

Yeah. No, but like I've, I didn't realize it was like a, like a thing, but like saying it, I do remember people talking about being like, I didn't realize it was like a, like a thing, but like saying it, I do remember people talking about being like, I wait. And I don't know if it's always five dates, but like, I remember people being like, I

wait this amount of time before I sleep with anyone. And it's like, cool. Yeah. But if you want to do it. And this thing, if you. It makes no sense. If you usually don't feel comfortable for three dates that's cool because then it's you're still sleeping with them when you want to right yeah and that's fine it's just

like this arbitrary like nothing else factors in right that's insane yeah to have hard and fast rules pretty much on anything in life yeah exactly is gonna do way more harm than good. I just, I think anytime you're applying a rule without any of the variables included, it is insane. Here's my thing. Here's what I will propose. I'm not saying she agrees with it either. I'm just saying she asked what we thought of it. Here's what I propose. If you subscribe to something like that or this specific rule, try not doing it.

Just try it. You know what i mean if you go on a date and you have this like great chemistry and you're just like feeling it fuck them you know what i mean like if you want to and if but that's the thing i feel like people should go through periods in their life just to get in the habit of it of doing things you want to do obviously within reason and obviously without like causing massive harm or even avoidable yeah i mean you know like i'm not gonna give a blanket statement like do what you want fucking rob that place do this but like a lot of the times people do things because they feel like they have to or they feel like they should but like i think we've all done other points And then you get to a point where you're like, fuck it. Just, just try,

try living outside your rules for a bit. I promise you that you will feel more fulfilled if you act on impulse and on gut and on like logic and what you want and honesty and communication. If you focus more on those things, as opposed to just arbitrary rules that have been made up by probably someone other than yourself, a very different situation and circumstances, um,

like make your own rules. You can figure it out. Like I, I had a set of, of dating rules, but it was things that like I found were what I needed to do to remain happy. And it was, it wasn't anything crazy. And it was like, it was things like, can you give us one? Yeah. Like remain happy. And it was, it wasn't anything crazy.

And it was like, it was things like this one. Yeah. Like, so like my thing was, um, when I was sleeping with a bunch of people, I wouldn't sleep with,

with more than one person a day. And I know that seems like ridiculous, but I thought it would be like disrespectful if I hooked up with someone in the afternoon. And then later that night I hooked up with someone else. You know what I mean? Like I thought that was kind of skeezy um by all means if you are cool with it that's fine um but i also think there's sort of like a level of disclosure like i think you would kind of have to let both partners know that that was yeah you know what i mean like i and some

people might think that's a crazy rule and doesn't need, but like it would, for me, I would not be comfortable with myself if I did that. Yeah. Kind of thing. You know what I mean? And like, I just, I, I, it happened one day and I was just like, I was like, Oh, this, this does not feel right. I feel like if, you know, you have to, even at the very lowest level, like at least shower and change and like, you know, that's. But yeah, no, I get you. There are things like that. For me, it was a lot of like what I realized I needed to do to be happy is like cut ties.

Like instead of making excuses for people, instead of putting up with things that I saw as red flags that maybe are, maybe aren't. Like I just got more strict with when something was an issue. Just getting the fuck out of there because it wasn't worth it. Yeah. I mean, one of my other rules, and this is a good example of like how things that like parameters you set are or can be changed as you as you progress through life um i had a very strict like don't sleep with people that you work with and every now and then i would like break that

rule and i'd be like i remember why this rule existed um but but then i worked with my girlfriend and i broke that rule of sleeping with someone that i worked with and it was a great choice because i adore her and i love her and you're still with and i'm with her and like if you had listened to that rule which is like even it's i would say a lot more intelligent than the five date rule because you know there are a lot of ramifications. If I was just like no one from work ever, I would not be with my girlfriend. Exactly. And that would suck.

That's a crazy idea. So imagine the things that you've missed out on for choosing to follow a rule that you didn't come up with for no reason other than like you think it lends some sort of like false moral superiority or like some sort of purity or even like a safety blanket or something like it's a way to weed people out i don't think it is because like people who are gonna like fuck you and leave like why not just figure that out quickly instead of like if again blankets blanket like statement after everything we've said if you fucking want to don't do things you don't want to do, all right? I can't say it enough. But, like, it's not going to get better over five dates.

They're not going to, like, change their ways, you know what I mean? And if they're shitty and that's all they wanted, then why not get rid of them quicker than investing five fucking dates? Don't fucking listen to rules. And if you are, make rules that, like, you found are important to you. And don't be afraid to rules. And if you are, make rules that you've found are important to you. And don't be afraid to break them. Oh, don't be afraid to break them. So I guess we're probably done-zos in terms of questions.

That would be it for us, I think. We've got a bunch of things to do. Firstly, thank you for everyone who gave us questions. You guys are the best. Please keep them coming. We really appreciate it. Again, I'm just going gonna put out a call to everybody listening from far-flung places because we keep getting like really interesting like hits on our

little like geo tracker or whatever it's fucking called and uh if you are listening to us from anywhere that's not canada or ireland also if you're listening from those places and don't personally know us just say hello say hello like we hello. Like, we want to meet you. We want to figure out how you found us, what you think. We want your questions, you know. Yeah, you can find us pretty easily. You can tweet at us at fck underscore buddies on Twitter. Our Facebook group is fckbuddiespodcast. You can also email us if you have a question.

This is the best way to get your questions to us because we can actually fucking save them and they don't get lost in personal messages and shit like that or i misremember them because you said them to me yeah um email your questions to us and then we have a hard copy of it and we can read it as you want it to be read and it makes us feel tingly yeah we love getting emails our email address is f buddies podcast at gmail.com. Also, we would like to thank Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. I would also like to thank, I haven't done it yet, and I feel bad for not doing it,

my lovely girlfriend, Amanda, because we are using literally 100% of her things. This is her microphone, and we use her laptop to record. And it's her day. And it's me. This podcast literally would not exist or sound nearly as good without her. And we're in her closet. Yeah. Thanks, Amanda.

You're the best. Okay, we ready for some Danverse? Oh, man. So if you haven't listened to our podcast before, first, I'm sorry. Second, at the end of every episode, Niall delves into a dark, endless chasm of sadness and despair called the Danverse, in which our friend Dan, and when I say friend, I mean mortal enemy, he kind of tweets out terrible dating and sex advice. He's the antithesis of what we are. So anyway, this week it is Dan Origins. Someone just tweeted me, don't you get tired of many relationships lol question mark replied no it's fun the main reason

i do it though almost every girl wants to have babies with me within two months so i find new ones i'm just being honest and telling it how it is. I don't want to hear any more of these. Fuck you. Fuck you, Dan. My name is Dan Miller. And I'm Nossman. And we're your fuck buddies.

Good night. you