F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 9 - Butt Paranoia

Episode Date: November 26, 2018

It's the day after Dain's birthday and not even that sweet birthday hangover can stop us from bring that deliciously dirty dating and sex advice that you so desperately need.  Topics include pet names, the Tinder solution, trying force a relationship, dick snapping cowgirl and a shitty surprise.

I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller My name is Al Spann We're your fuck buddies Welcome in You went sexy, I'm going hungover Yeah My name's Al Spann. We're your fuck buddies.

Welcome in. You went sexy. I'm going hangover. Yeah. Because it was my birthday yesterday. Happy birthday day. Thanks, buddy. My vocal cords froze off because I just cycled here in minus 20. Sucker.

Guess how many kinds of shit that was. You're revealing our time paradox again. Because if it's not minus 20 on Sunday. Well, after unlocking the secrets of Capoeira, we can record any time, any place, any when, and anywhere.

It's true. And I am preemptively hungover on a Wednesday. Oh, I was wondering. I was like, why the fuck are you hungover? You were fine a second ago. I pulled back the curtain.

Oh, Jesus. Sorry. Well, hey. Welcome in to Clink. Fuck, Jesus. Sorry. Well, hey. Hey. Welcome in to Clink. Fuck. Even not being home, that's unpleasant. So how are you doing, Dane?

I'm good. I was talking to all the Danes listening. I was talking to the people from Denmark. Our massive Denmark audience. No, how are you doing? Dang, Miller. I'm good. Yeah, awesome.

Yeah, how are you doing? I'm okay. Thanks for having me over. Always. So yeah, welcome back, guys. Hope everyone's having a good week. For them, it'll be the start of the week. Yeah, well, have a good week since we fucking talked to you last you know that's true i don't the week prior does not cease

to exist just because it's monday exactly yeah or does it or does it also when we restart the time i changed it so it will have been the end of the week monday's new friday you heard it here first we did it but now we're gonna to have to change and put our podcast three days later. So it's back on Monday. So we're now going to be releasing on Thursday. Don't say that.

We're not. It's Monday still. We're always doing Monday forever till the end of time. But now we're doing bi-weekly. No. Stop this. We're not.

I'm sorry. This is our episode where we lie to you. Everything we say is a lie. Well, actually, no one of us tells the truth. The we say is a lie. Well, actually, no. One of us tells the truth. The other one tells a lie. Oh, shit.

Is the liar Dan? Yes. Yeah, great. All right, yeah. Let's get right into some goddamn questions. Cool. Do you want to go first? Will I go first?

Yeah, you go first. Sure. Okay, so basically a friend of the show who's's not gonna be named, they're going to be agent Caldwell. Um, they sent in a question where effectively they'd been on a date, a Tinder date went pretty well. Um, but right after that, he started calling her cutie. So like text her in the morning, like, Hey cutie, everything she says, Hey cutie. like text her in the morning like hey cutie everything she says hey cutie and she doesn't like it and she's basically wondering like one how to get rid of that and two whether it's like should she be as bothered by it as she is because i guess it seems a little like a mixture of like

corny familiar and like ownershipy i have one very very important question before I can answer this is it cutie or is it a Q and a T it's cutie spelled out as far as I'm aware I never thought to clarify because I'm an idiot I'm sorry well now we know that Niall is the one telling the truth wow

wow or was I just mimicking you or am I the one telling the lie because you're not an idiot I'm so sorry Wow. Or was I just mimicking you? Or, am I the one telling the lie? Because you're not an idiot. I'm so sorry. Let's just call it.

It's been the shortest episode, guys. Thank you. We're back at the cheap whiskey. Josh Paper and the Harvest Stars. I think it's very fair to just say, hey, I'm not a big fan of that. I hate being called kid. Who the fuck calls you kid? I had a girl that used to be like, thanks, kid. And I think it was not a big fan of that. I hate being called kid. Like. Who the fuck calls you kid? I had a girl that used to be like, thanks kid.

And like, I think it was, I think it was not a specific to me. I think it was just sort of like, that was. That's a fucking weird thing to call people. Especially when you're fucking them. Yeah. No, no. But like, even outside of like romantic situations, like I hated always being called kid or kiddo. Who the fuck says it even like in real life?

Like kiddo and stuff like that. I've never been called kiddo. It's like something a badly written old character says on TV shows. I mean. Like whippersnapper. Have you ever fucking heard that in real life? No. Yeah.

It's the same shit. We're also not like 1800 prospectors. After Capoeira last week. Fuck. who knows? Yeah, I don't know. And the thing is, I guess she seemed actually pretty, like, not irate, but, like, a little, like, upset about it as opposed to just, like, bothered. I don't, like, I think she thinks it's, like, a move or it's, like, a thing that he's doing or, like, it's almost like a dominant position position or like, well, I feel like he just probably wanted to say something complimentary. Yeah.

And because she didn't immediately say, oh, no, he thinks it's now like a cute thing or like a good thing. Like, I don't think he's doing it negatively. I really can't believe that he is like of all the things to call someone to sort of like assert dominance over. I feel like cutie probably isn't one of them. I mean, like if it was said, you know, condescendingly,

like if it's fucking, you know, Hey cutie, I got this. Yeah. Yeah. It looks sweetie. You know what I mean?

Like it could be used that way, but like, I can't imagine someone who's had a good time with you. Then being like, I'm going to talk down to this bitch. Yeah. You hope not. I mean,

yeah, I think it, I think the best way to test the water is saying hey i'm not a big fan of that yeah and then if that's exactly what it is um yeah i don't think there's any problem just saying like i'm i don't really like being called cutie yeah you know i mean i've called people pet names and they've been like not really into that i'm like oh okay and there's like again i don't know why your friend doesn't like this but like i've had people be like oh like my dad is an asshole and he used to call me that so like kind of brings up bad you know what i mean yeah so i'm

like oh yeah for sure in that case yeah i i will happily use something else some people just don't like pet names at all that's fair i don't know i feel like i don't really like to give them necessarily i always feel really weird i do i do it all the time really i don't know i feel like i don't really like to give them necessarily i always feel really weird i do i do it all the time really i don't know i feel like you know i'll send like a jokingly like or like a winky kinky like winky kinky what the fuck am i talking about uh just you know like hey sexy or like hey you know beautiful or whatever like not even like regularly but maybe just like one random like morning you know where it's like you know if beautiful or whatever, like not even like regularly, but maybe just like one random like morning, you know, where it's like, you know, if we had the one day, maybe the next time I'll say it like once, but just in a, like, if it fits the tone of what we're

doing and also just in a, I think you're super hot kind of way and then stop and not like every text. I'm like, Hey sexy, how's your day going? Hey sexy. Was that cream cheese on the bagel? Hey sexy. Where'd you get that bagel? Hey sexy. Any other bagel recommendations?

Fuck, I really want a bagel right now. Yeah. Man, the best bagels are in Ireland. Are they, though? Yeah, I think so. Better than Montreal? Yeah. Real Montreal bagel?

Well, this is our bagel podcast. Welcome to Bagel Buddies. Where we turn your cream cheesy situations into your cheesy cream situations. I didn't say it. You didn't say it, but either did you technically last week. What? Didn't I? Was that saying it?

Could it be saying the word? Okay. I'm sorry. I love you. Throw it in there. Cream cheesy. God damn it. We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations

and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Oh, fuck. I think you went like you intentionally were pretending you were going to fuck up and then you fucked up. No, I was waiting for you to say cheese. I was actually going to. I felt bad.

Whatever. Well, we sexy questions. That's going to be our new tagline. We're not allowed to drink this whiskey anymore. We are your fuck buddies and we sexy questions. That's going to be our new tagline. We're not allowed to drink this whiskey anymore. We are your fuck buddies and we sexy questions. I say, yeah, just like, hey, heads up. I know what it is. Or if you want to explain it, you can.

You don't have to. Just like, I don't really like the term cutie. Yeah. And I'm sure they're going to be like, okay, cool. Now, the danger is if he's a pet namer, he's going to be going for something else. So do you then suggest? You're like, I'd just like to be called Agent Caldwell. Yeah.

Or you just let him try and shoot them down until he's reaching. I mean, it could be a fun little game. Like Buttercup? You know what I mean? Like, if you come up with a pet name that I like, I'll, you know. Suck your ear. Yeah. Go to townuck your ear. Yeah. Go to town on that ear.

Get that boobs up in my... I just want to... Throat. So, there was a question that I was reading, and it wasn't a very good question. I don't remember what it was now. Oh, it was something like, I want to go for dinner after the movie

that I'm going on this date with. How do I ask her? Clearly, they didn't listen to episode one. And people were like, just fucking ask her. But one of the guys says, he said, why not just bring her back to your place and dick her into the mattress? Jesus. I was like, fuck.

Dan? Dan? Dan, is that you? So, yeah, maybe say, like, if you can come up with a pet name that I like, I'll let you dick me into this mattress. Or start calling him progressively worse pet names until he gets the message. Call him kid. Call him sweet child. Yeah.

And then proceed to sing all of that song. And that's his whole pet name. Sweet child of mine? Yeah. From beginning to end. Even with the do-do-do-do-do-do-do? Yeah. Make that whole pet name Sweet Child of Mine yeah from beginning to end even with the do do do do do do do yeah make that his pet name

just the guitar riff from Sweet Child of Mine oh hey do do do do do do do dick me into this mattress it'll make it'll make Dirty Talk real weird

oh man your neighbors are gonna fucking hate you yeah unless they love Guns N' Roses well who doesn't I'm not a big fan

I got the fuck out of here. But yeah, so just, I guess, talk. Suggest them. Punish them. Dick in the mattress. Yeah. Just, yeah, whatever gets you dicked into that mattress. We sex questions.

This one is, it comes anonymously from a friend of the show. So that means you got to him an agent codename. I think it's your turn. Okay. I'm gonna go with Agent... Agent M-It-Is. Agent... Fuck. See, this is why

you're supposed to do it. Agent M-Fuck. Agent Hanson. Like M-Bop. Oh. M-Fuck. Burp my toast now, no breakfast. Agent Hanson Like mmm bop Mmm fuck Burnt my toast now no breakfast Mmm mmm mmm mmm fuck No breakfast for me Burned toast

Cause he burns his toast that's why he's saying mmm fuck What else would you say? Oh fuck me Who let us get a microphone? I know um okay so Agent mmm fuck says no it was Agent Handsome. Damn it. Asks, in an earlier episode, Dane mentioned that he solved Tinder.

What do you mean by that? They get a fair amount of matches, but can't seem to be making anything out of them. They usually fizzle before a date is even mentioned, or they ghost me prior to meeting up. I know this isn't a lot of fun because it's asking for my Tinder advice, but I feel like you can jump in on this. Yeah. Well, it's kind of funny because we already did do the how to talk to people on Tinder question, which I believe is when you said you self Tinder. So do we just reiterate? Well, I think for it was like, how do you get Matt?

I think was, you know what I mean? Because we just talked about my hook, really. Yeah. Although, funnily enough, the question was, how do I talk to people on a dating app? But I guess that's how do I get to talk to them in this way? Like, how do I talk? Okay. Well, first things first, what you meant was you were being slightly hyperbolic and saying

you didn't solve it. It's still, it's like 99% complete. How I solved it. You solved it. Oh, shit. But then how does it's still, it's like 99% complete. No, I solved it. You solved it. Oh, shit. But then how does it still exist? I forgot to carry the one. Oh, nah.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh, God. You'll know this Tinder just disappeared. What are you going to do when you poop now? World. Yeah. Take a dick pic.

Okay, so here's my Tinder solutions. One, cast the widest net don't spend a whole lot of time like the second you start investing your time into especially if it's like if there's one person you're like fuck i want this person to match with me it's gonna go downhill because you're gonna get weird about it so just like yeah when you're taking a shit get on tinder and get swiping uh when you're on the button you know i mean like when you're when you're doing not doing anything important get swiping and just and like don't take a whole lot of time just gut feeling if you if you're into and then like if you match with someone

you're like oh this isn't really my thing unmatch well that's the thing i guess it's one of those things where you can always err on the side of caution if there's someone you're like i'm not sure fucking swipe them yeah it's not gonna kill you yeah and then it's like if you if you on a second glance on a deeper look you're like not into it then whatever yeah oh there's a button for that yeah the next thing is like don't talk forever yeah don't leave it too long and i feel like i was almost the opposite of this i i fucking hated the bullshit like we're just gonna message forever so i would probably too quickly be like let's just fucking meet up like if you want to no but I think that's that is like I mean it might take a while for you to like sort of finesse and find

out how to find your rhythm and also everyone has a different rhythm yeah but like I would I would I would do two things I would get off tinder I would ask them for their number um once I realized if it was someone I would actually like be interested in meeting up with I would get their number, and then, like, within, like, the first couple texts that I sent them, I would be like, let's just grab drinks. You know what I mean?

Like, however it came up, I would just figure out a way to be like, let's go on a date. Yeah. And then I would not talk to them until, like, it was time to... Like, unless, again, unless it comes naturally, and, like, there's a good conversation being happening.

Like but if you make plans, like if it's Monday and you make plans for Friday, check in on Thursday night and be like, hey, we still good for tomorrow? Yeah. Like there's no need to constantly be checking in and be like, hey, how's your day? Like if you're just talking for the sake of being in their realm. Then you're going to overdo it. Yeah. of being in their realm. Then you're going to overdo it. Yeah, they're going to be like, oh man, I've known this guy for 15 minutes and he's texting me more than my friends. And on that note,

if you are setting up a plan, don't put it too far in the future. You don't want to be like, oh, you want to hang out in 20 days? Yeah. Because that's a lot of fucking time that you have to not be a weirdo and still be interested.

Because it's building towards something. So once you set that that date that's kind of what's been building towards so in between like you've already gotten there really the only thing you can do is fuck it up yeah pretty much um and then once you and if and again if people are going to ghost on you it's tinder especially is a numbers game like fuck it move on you're going to get ghosted on yeah for sure um hopefully you're not stood up because that's the like that shit that's the shittiest thing to do to someone um it's not the shit i mean no it's that um but like if that's the case just fucking saddle up at the bar and have a drink yourself and enjoy your me time if like you know i mean like um but that, yeah. See if your friends are around.

Maybe turn into a lads night and then who knows who you'll meet. Yeah. So those are like my quick sort of like Cole's Notes rundown. Be quick to get off Tinder. Once you've made a date, sort of like consider that book closed until it's time to check in to make sure that date is still going. Again, if people are, if she's messaging you. Don't ignore her. Yeah, there's no need to ignore her.

Like, play it cool and be like, I'm going to wait four hours and 42 minutes before I respond to this so I don't seem too desperate. Fuck it. Like, if you're sitting at home doing nothing and she texts you something worth responding to, fucking respond to it. But don't just check in.

Don't force conversation. Repeatedly. Just be like, hey, how's your day going? Oh, you're at work? Cool, me too. Like, that's like that's that's but also in general you should never really like just try and force conversation yeah it's the kind of thing where it's flown or it isn't but yeah i feel like when you're chatting on one of these

apps it's like you only really need to have like that one really good conversation or exchange yeah before like you both have an idea because that's all it is is you're talking to have an idea of whether or not like it's like stages you see them you have their brief description you swipe if you like them if you like them you meet and you chat and if you like after that chat then you meet them in real life you don't want to have this like oh i've been chatting this girl for three weeks on tinder you're doing it wrong if that's the case yep so maybe that's it also i guess it depends on where you're inviting them out to. Because we don't know that, right?

For me, I always went to the same place. No, but I'm saying, like, for this person, like, they're saying a lot of people ghost or, like, he doesn't seem to be able to convert it into whatever. Like, it could be like, hey, let's go to a movie. And they're like, nope. Or it could be like, hey, come over to my house. Yeah. Don't invite people to your place. Don't invite, like, place don't invite like go somewhere

that is conducive to conversation the first time and safety which is a nice like just find a cool local bar also like I went to a bar

that was pretty much right by my house that helps and if it went well then I could be like hey do you want to like come back to my place for a drink

yeah have some cool drinks yeah and like if you know that, if maybe she's a little hesitant, like suggest meeting up in her neck of the woods or somewhere in between.

Like, it doesn't matter, but be the one to suggest the place. If you're asking someone on a date, don't do the like, I don't know, where do you want to go? Do you?

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like have a very clear plan of what you're going to do and be like, I know this great bar. It's here. Do you want to meet up friday eight o'clock and if they're like i'm not sure maybe then be like oh well how about somewhere near you or you know if they are like him and hon then you can be like if you have a better suggestion i'm down but yeah i there's nothing worse to me like hey you want to meet up and they're like sure what do you want to do and

you're like i'm not sure what about you yeah they're like well and you're like well what i don't know like where's how like suggest a place and if they have problems with that then you can move from there but at least you're not like you know just yeah it's it's best to have a plan going into it and then be ready to roll with the punches yeah yeah and again as you said earlier on which you didn't get to expand on i guess is like don't put all your eggs in one basket like yeah, the whole point of Tinder is you, like, cast a wide net. You talk to a bunch of people and, like, it works out or it doesn't. But, like, don't be afraid to be talking to a few different people on there.

Yeah, Tinder is literally, like, speed dating in your pocket. Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? Like, you don't go to a speed dating thing and then, like... Sit at one table. So, yeah, I mean, like, some people do. Well, you shouldn't. Because you rotate around.

Fuck off. Fine, yeah. I mean, like, some people do it. Well, you shouldn't. Because you rotate around. Fuck off. Fine. Just follow Shirley around. Like, hey, Shirley, it's me from that table I was meant to stay at. Yeah. Now I'm at your table. Yeah. Just, yeah.

Like, keep your options open. And don't, like, I think a lot of people get hung up with trying to get laid so badly that they, once they like a little little hint of of attention, that's, you know, they're full speed ahead on that one person. But like, don't like just be cool, be like a normal person and talk to people because you don't have one chance. There's a bunch of options out there. I like enjoy yourself. Don't put on like a persona. I'm like like don't you know you'll know we're not saying say this or be this way necessarily like be yourself and be like

natural because if you're trying to act like somebody that you're not it's probably not going to come off all that well yeah you know if they're like oh yeah i'm like big into fashion you're like you're me too they're like oh you know like just don't be afraid to let what you're into shine no matter what it is because if they're like no that sucks then you know you probably don't want to meet up with that person anyway because you're wasting your time and money and like what are they gonna have to say this entire time like you're gonna have to just not talk about the things you like so it's better if you find someone and if you do have matching interests the whole thing's gonna go a lot fucking better right and i find a lot of people especially like women on online dating is they're

so bombarded with assholes that i think there's like this initial wall that you can have to break down before they're willing to sort of like actually invest any time in you and i found the best way to do that is yeah like you said like be yourself like the amount of times i sent like jokes or like stupid gifs or something that like most guys would be like what are you doing because if they don't think i'm funny they're not gonna think i'm funny in person exactly and also like if they're gonna be all like you said gif then you probably don't like yeah because if they're going to be all offended, like, you said a gif? Then you probably don't, like. Yeah. Because unless they're literally just coming and jumping straight in your bed, which itself will be kind of weird. But, like, you're going to have to go and sit down and then convince them in person.

So if you manage to finagle them into a date with you through, like, means that aren't necessarily yourself, you're then going to have to sit down and suffer through this super shitty time where you're going to to pretend to be someone else again which is just gonna get progressively harder and worse and you're probably not going to enjoy yourself and like trying to explain yourself like trying to backpedal is the weakest fucking position to be like i'm saying this as a man um because i don't think women really have to do it that often but i mean like they might um i just don't have any experience as a woman online dating um but like making a joke and then if she calls you out on it and then being like well no i didn't actually mean it's like stand by it like if if if it's offensive and she's like maybe don't make it hey like yeah like if she's like uh maybe don't make rape jokes like listen to her and don't fucking make rape jokes yeah um but like if you also i don't make rape jokes. Like, listen to her and don't fucking make rape jokes. Yeah. But, like, if you...

Also, I don't think there is backpedaling from that other than just apologizing and changing your fucking ways. Yeah, I mean, like, there are always people who are like, well, but I didn't actually mean... You know what I mean? But, yeah, like, if you make a stupid fucking reference to something and she's like, oh, you're into, you know, Firefly. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I am. You know what I mean? And like...

And misbehave. And again, if that's like a big turnoff for it, then fuck it. Yeah, you've done yourself a favor and you just move on to somebody better. Because like there's not... Like there's no chance that you're going on there and people aren't into what you're into.

Like literally no matter what the fuck it is. Yeah. One of the best dates I ever had on Tinder was a girl who cosplay... Oh, sorry, not cosplay. hobbit it was great a mean girls hobbit it was awesome i'm like i'm not that into mean girls or larping although i bet it'd be fucking fun as hell so much fun but like it was so cool to hear someone talk about something they were like passionate about and like then you get to be like oh what's this like how did this go down like and you get to learn more about it whereas if she was just like yeah i like top 40 and netflix i'd be like me too i guess everyone does yeah that's why they exist exactly so like

you know let what's you come out one of my favorite tinder dates very similar to yours was someone living a like sort of a double life kind of thing her only picture on Tinder was her in like this ridiculous like banana costume and when I met up with her at the bar she was wearing a plaid

she wore the banana costume no she didn't she did how have I never fucking heard about this I was talking about I was talking about what was I talking about

someone showed me a picture of them in a banana costume I was like I fucking forgot about this. Did you ever take it off her? Uh, no, she was like actually very strange.

Yeah, obviously she showed up in a fucking banana costume. Um, I found out, she's either literally the funniest person in the world, but also a massive weirdo or just the weirdest person in the world. Yeah, no,

I found out, I went to that bar like again, um, and I was talking to the bartender. I was like, yeah, I came here once and like met up with a girl who was in a banana costume I guess she wasn't very appealing because he peeled bananas down yep um and the bartender was like oh yeah she uh she used to live upstairs and we do that all the time and that was just like her fucking move was it like what was the angle? I don't know.

Maybe it was like an art thing. Did she just, you know, or just like a vice article somewhere. A hundred percent. I went on 20 dates as a banana and you'll never guess what happened. If this is you, fill us in. What happened? Yeah. Did you ever have sex while still wearing the costume?

Did you ever penetrate someone with your banana i don't know i i wish she you wish i wish i like get the whole picture but i was happy to be a part of it yeah that's pretty cool next question yeah okay um so another friend of the show um again we're gonna agent this up. Agent Paisley. Oh. Um, and she says, so if you have a friend who you get on ridiculously well with, better than you do at most, and you really enjoy spending time with them, enjoy the company they are, and you know they like you, do you give it a shot even if you're not attracted to them?

Hmm. What you say? I don't think so. Yeah, you don't. Short answer, you don't think so yeah you don't short answer you don't long answer it's really good that you want that in a relationship because that's what you should aim for um like if you don't have that same like connection and like you really like them and you're like do they say how long they've known each other no so here's the thing i've definitely met people who i've grown increasingly more attracted to yeah the longer i knew like there are people who you know who i met in college and i was

like you know i thought they were sweet um and then by like the end of my program i was like god damn you know what i mean like like i was far more attracted to them well that's the thing like a girlfriend at the time so obviously it's like it was it was a different kind of thing but it was like i under like their sexiness kind of revealed itself yeah through their personality and through the time i spent with them and that's the thing like people you can see people who are super hot and then start talking to them and you're just like no i would never in my life because they just suck yeah you know or you can like meet people and initially like just fly under the radar a little bit and then like three weeks later you're like

god damn that's one of the sexiest people i've ever met so yeah but i think the point still stands like you don't get with them and then hope that that happens yeah no you if it does happen you don't hope yeah if it's no question if it happens naturally over time, and then you're like, okay. And you know what I mean? And it's probably going to happen, like, just one day. There's going to be a switch that flips. Yeah. It'll be like, I don't know, you guys will be camping,

and he'll be fucking, like, chopping some wood or something. You know what I mean? And, like, it'll just be, like, one of those, like, triggers. You know what Dane's dream journal is about? Everyone is chopping wood. Wood everywhere. Just flying chopping wood. Wood everywhere. Just flying off wood. Wood off wood, off wood.

Yeah, like, there'll be a moment, or, like, you know, he'll say something in your defense. There'll be a moment in which, like, everything will change. See somebody chatting to a girl, and you'll be like, oh, shit. Wait a minute. Why am I jealous of that? Or something, you know? Well, I think that... Which could be something else,

but you know what I mean? Yeah. There, there is that, that moment, but yeah, so I guess it's possible that it might develop, but I think until you have that,

there's no point putting yourself in that position because yeah, it's going to suck for everybody unless everything changes. Cause they like you. So they're going to be upset if you're like, I like you. Cause they're going to get really happy. And then you're you because they're gonna get really happy and then you're like oh sorry never mind like yeah and you either especially when the reason that like you're gonna have to call it up it's like i just i'm just not attracted to you yeah like that's a hard burn that's pretty shit and i do get the impression

that they know each other at least decently well i I don't think it's like a new thing. Yeah. You know, I would say months at lowest. But again, that's just me assuming because I didn't actually clarify. It would be, yeah, I mean, you're also whacking a fine line. Like if you know he's into you, it's really hard not to like lean into that. Yeah. You know what I mean mean like play into like that validation yeah because no one's gonna be mad about someone liking the fuck out of you yeah it's always you know i like i find myself kind of guilty of that every now and then we're like if i find out like someone at work kind of has a crush on me i'll like i don't know like i'll relish in that a little bit yeah well you're never not going to

be like yeah someone finds me sexy yeah it's just like you have to make sure that like you're not you're just like using your appreciation yeah isn't uh is it the sole reason why you're keeping them around yeah yeah and also like not to lead them on if you know like if they ever do kind of broach the subject you kind of have to be very clear yeah and a lot of like leading people on is a really tricky yeah situation now because there's i mean it's always been but like we're now a little more aware of it um because you might not necessarily like you could be leading someone on just by existing you know what i mean depending on how they take everything.

The whole idea of like this friend zone sort of thing. That bullshit. Yeah. So that's why like I'm hesitant to say something like that. But at the same time, there are clear ways that you can. Such as if he does bring up that he likes you and you kind of like slide away from saying that you don't. You know what I mean? Like if you're just kind of constantly just like you know brushing

it aside but not really addressing it like yeah oh that's so sweet yeah and then like just like not sort of not saying sorry putting your side of things yeah yeah i would uh i would err on the side of caution i would sort of reevaluate your relationship to make sure that you're in it for the right reasons yeah you're keeping it on the level um and then be ready to have that that chat in case it comes up and be ready to be honest about it yeah and if like things do change and you do start to become attracted to this person don't be afraid to give it a shot if you want to yeah but i do feel like both those things have to be there like in any situation yeah because even if it's like one of those things where you guys are like you know out and drinking and like and then you know that that little voice

in your back and be like what's it like what would it be like yeah um you really got to keep that voice zipped up because it's gonna mean way more to him than it will to you yeah if it doesn't work out for you you know what i mean like if you Yeah. If it doesn't work out for you. You know what I mean? Like, if that night doesn't blow your mind and change your whole perspective... Which, like, it probably won't. Probably won't. You've opened a floodgate for him.

Yeah, and you'll probably never be able to be friends again. Yeah. At least not the same kinds of friends. No. He's going to be very hurt. Yeah, it'll be irreplaceably or irreversibly damaged. Mm-hmm. No. He's going to be very hurt. It'll be irreplaceably, or irreversibly damaged. Yeah. So you just, I guess,

be careful. Be so careful. Ready for a quick one? Always. This is from Reddit user Kibbleble. Kibbleble? What? Kibbleble? It's like kibble, but one of the B's is a V. That's great. And he says, how do I not be scared of getting my dick snapped in half when my girlfriend is riding it?

Let's try to keep this one brief. I don't know. So here's the thing. I would say... You hold them in place and you thrust up. Exactly. You take charge until you're more comfortable with it. So it's like, just because you're on the bottom doesn't mean you don't have to do work.

Oh, yeah. I would say, yeah, get her on top. Get her legs really close to your sides and have her lean down. And then you just sort of like wrap your arms around the waist or grab her ass. Grab her ass and just arch your hips and fucking go to pound town. Yeah. Keep your knees bent, too. That'll give you a little bit more stability.

And, like, you need to be able to, like, hold on to them, keep them in place for your own kind of, like, positioning as well as optimal not snapping your dick. Also, like, some girls go fucking wild on it. And, like, sometimes you just might have to, like, dumb, like, relax. Like, I've had girls, girls like what was the term from before uh the squirm protocol no the other one there's like fuck so wild fuck so wild yeah some girls just fuck so wild um but also yeah maybe initiate anti like some girls get like squat position and just like jump just yeah and then they bounce on the bed and they're like and to be fair sometimes it's great hey when you can do it, you can do it.

But I'm assuming this person cannot. Oh, I guess maybe not. I've never not been terrified. Like, even when I've enjoyed it, I've been like. Yeah. All it takes. Because it's a matter of. If you, you know, one inch too high.

Not even, depending on wetness, right? They get so wet that, like, that inch becomes a half inch now that you're just going to fly out of there. Yeah. And then, like, if she's coming down with all of her force that's um so i mean like consider that an expert maneuver and work your way up to it yeah i definitely would like get them on top and then you kind of take the reins and like yeah that's usually and then fucking great for them anyway so yeah transition from like you to like and then be like okay you can you can help out.

Yeah. But always keep your knees up. Cause at least like she's got something to bounce into. If that makes sense. Like her, her ass will be hitting your thighs and that that'll reduce a little bit of the, the directions in which. Well, I feel like, so a good way to start is like sitting. So like you sit down, have her sit on top and like, just reach your arms around her

and then just whisper in her ear, don't snap it. Yeah. That's the only way to do it, really. Break it and I'll break you. Oh, no. Oh, no. Don't threaten anyone that's letting your dick inside of them. Or in general.

Yeah, or in general, I guess. If your dick isn't in someone right now, threaten them. Threaten them. Only stop threatening people when your dick is in them. Or in general. Yeah, or in general, I guess. If your dick isn't in someone right now, threaten them. Threaten them. Only stop threatening people when your dick is in them. Yeah, if you're on a bus

listening to this. You know, there's some fucking asshole listening who's like, yep, Dan, fuck you. He's just writing notes. He's like,

I knew these boys would come around. Finally. Maybe it is like slow brainwashing. All his bullshit just piles up like when you,

I don't know, calcify your... His Twitter feed is like the Manchurian candidate like activation code. And he's just slowly turning us all into pieces of shit. All right, let's hit another one. All right. Are you ready for something appalling? Yeah. Is it time for Dan already?

No. So this is from Reddit. this is from user quiet z86 and she asks how do i tell my boyfriend to clean his butt uh i've showered with him he does not use a washcloth he soaps up his body and uses his hand to splash a little water between his crack i'm most positive he doesn't reach the butthole. He is washed the same exact way after pooping. One time I tried rimming and got a crappy surprise. I could feel the flakes on my tongue. I was so offended. My mouth smelled and tasted horrible. I never did that again. Last month after spending the night, I noticed a tiny poop stand on the sheets. Freaking out, I thought it was me. I checked and I was dry and clean, so

I knew it was him. 99% it wasn't me. 99? Because when I clean my behind, I get up in there with a washcloth and two different soaps. I pull my cheeks apart. I squat and I smell the washcloth to make sure it doesn't smell, whatever it takes.

A few months ago, I was talking on the phone, and in a surprising tone, he told me that he did not clean his butt good enough. Last night I came home from visiting him, and out of curiosity, I smelled the back of my pants, and they smelled like butt. I don't know if it was from his chair,

or from the bus I rode on. Okay, this... It's abnormal to me that he just splashes water on his behind. If you poop and dumped wipe with a cloth, I'm sure the poop just doesn't disappear. I'm upset, disturbed, and just want them to use a washcloth. So she's saying, like, you gotta shower every time you take a shit? I think she might have said he showered

instead of doing anything else after taking a shit oh that's fucked and he just like did that little non-butthole achieving splash I mean this whole thing is upsetting why is she smelling her own pants and washcloth I'm sorry there's I can't imagine any butt situation

that would make your jeans smell like butt unless it's coming from your own butt. I feel like this girl has butt paranoia. She's like, is it his chair? Is it the bus? Something smells like butt on the back of my jeans, but it's not my ass.

Occam's razor. The nearest butt. I mean, to be fair, maybe when she was in bed, he got up, wore her jeans, just did a few squats, did a few lunges. And all of a sudden she got fucking poopy butt jeans. And maybe he was using that as a like, well, check your jeans. Do they smell like butt?

There's so much to wrap my head around here. Firstly, if you're going to fucking rim or like do any anal play and you don't clean yourself or your partner. If you don't fucking prep that, you're an idiot. And you can't be upset when there's poop. Yeah. Or any kind of unhappiness. Like these things. If you just bust that out.

Yeah. If you're just like. I don't know. Let's be like. We had curries, so let's go to town in an hour. No. You know what she needs to do? She needs to buy him a fucking loofah.

You know what a loofah is? Yeah. She needs to get him one of those bad boys. Yeah, but, like, I'm sure he has cloths. It doesn't matter. I've never used a washcloth to, like, clean myself. It's kind of great, but... It's very strange.

Yeah. I mean, like, I don't know why the loofah's any better, but, like, you do it. Like, you get up in there. But, like, in a sexy sexy way you know what I mean like spend some time like well she tried to do that with her tongue

I I hate this question I know you would just fucking soap well you just soap him up with the loofah like his whole body just like

get him a shower you just tell him you just say light some fucking candles you just say hey like there were poop on the sheets the other day and also when i brimmed you i got shit in my mouth uh clean your butt that's it that's how you ask you say hey you shat on the sheets we slept in and you also got shit on my mouth you shat in my mouth boyfriend fucking clean your butt that's how you say it you just go hey boyfriend clean your fucking butt you shat in my mouth, boyfriend. Fucking clean your butt. That's how you say it. You just go, hey, boyfriend.

Clean your fucking butt. You shat in my mouth. I mean, to be fair, he didn't shit in her mouth. He basically did. He got remnants. He butt flaked on her tongue. He flaked in her mouth. No, that's how you ask.

That's step one. Step one is not clean his butt for him. Maybe be like, here's how you do it. And then you go like... Okay. Think back when you were a kid. I'm pretty sure... I hope to fuck this guy that's not a kid.

She's not rimming a child. Think about this. When your mom was like, do the dishes, take the garbage out. You were never like, I'm going to do that right away. I can't wait to do that. I also didn't lick the garbage and then get upset that it tasted weird. There's no proof that you didn't.

Here's the thing. Who have you been talking to? So you get in the shower. You make a real sexy shower night. You get this real good loofah. Real good soap. Maybe the two that you use on your butt. Is that too many soup? Yeah butt that's too which is excessive yeah that's too

many i think there's there's subtle hints that maybe she's like an a butt he might not be this but pervert no a butt like hypochondriac yeah because two soaps whatever it takes yeah and also the fact that like she's still only 99, and then she smells her own butt jeans. Yeah. It's weird. Okay, back to the shower. So, you've soaped everyone up. Here's the thing.

Everyone? Everyone. How many butts need to be cleaned? Anyone that she thinks needs a good butt cleaning is in the shower right now from everywhere in the world. By the sounds of it, it is at least multiple people and one bus seat. You get in close and you soap up his back while you're sort of like using the soap to give him a hand job. While he's distracted with this hand job, that loofah is slowly scrubbing back on the back. And then it's lower back and then it's in the butt crack.

If he's into getting rimmed, he's all right with butt stimulation. So here's the thing. If he's like, what are you doing? Just be like, oh, I'm just preparing you for rimming. I'm just cleaning you up. And then he gets a reward for having a clean butt, and that's having his butt licked. Butt. Oh, no.

Is that other people who can hear us yelling about butts getting licked? Close the door. Just what you want people to come in while you're yelling about. I know. Perfect. My mother-in-law is here. Yep. We're yelling about rimming and dirty poop butts.

Aggressively detailed how to convince your boyfriend to clean his ass. You've just yelled sexy butt fondling situation to the boy you're in a closet with drinking whiskey yeah boys no but the thing is right now it's like one of those things where you feed a rat when the rat hits the button and then the rat will hit the button all the time yeah you've no but backwards because you've put him in a position where he gets sexy shower nights because he got that dirt butt so now he's gonna let the bucket extra dirty no no because now there's gonna be another shower night you don't need to shower night him if his butt is clean but here's the thing if he if he knows that if he has a clean butt he gets that tongue he's gonna keep his butt

clean but but what if he prefers the actual cleaning more than the rimming, right? You got that contours on the loofah. Yeah. So he's going to get even dirtier. So you have to use two loofahs and four soaps. You're going to have to cut his butt off. We got one more. Do it.

Make it PG because... Nope. This comes from Reddit user Penay26. Do you guys still enjoy sex without having to cum? My man and I go at it every day, if not every other day. Sometimes it takes him a long time,

no complaints here, or is not able to cum. I worry that I'm not able to satisfy him. Every time I bring it up, he says he enjoys it regardless, and to stop worrying. Is it normal for some guys? Or do you think he's just saying that uh i will say that i have very occasionally had a situation like this where like in the middle of like whatever you're doing like you'll come during sex and then continue to do stuff with them because like you know they can go for at least one or two more and then in the meantime you'll get hired again and like sometimes cool that's good to go round two off the bat but

sometimes you know that like the amount of like whatever it's going to take to get yourself to come again after that short of a window is just next to impossible or not worth the effort or you know you can just leave it and come again in like an hour so you'll have sex or i have had sex then just purely because i know they would enjoy it and i know i'm not going to come so once they do we finish and i'm totally cool with that because i knew it wasn't going to happen anyway and it's going to make them feel good fuck it but it seems like a different situation but i assume it still stands right yeah i mean i if you enjoy your partner's pleasure then i went through a very like long phase where i had a really hard time coming um and that was just because like i was so detached from everything it was like kind of the height of my my singledom

and kind of when i started to realize and like pulled the reins back and like i just i just could not finish um with i mean there were there were a few select women that i could but like those are women that i had relationships with yeah yeah um and so it was like if i was just like sleeping with someone off tinder or someone i met recently um it would be very challenging and rare that i would finish but like i still enjoyed the entire experience yeah and that's the thing i feel like if you care about someone else's pleasure then like

it's cool you know what i mean like once they're not the one like specifically denying you of it unless that's also what you want to do you know what i mean i feel like the only time you're not going to enjoy it is if like there's like an external force like if you want to come and someone's like nope or if like you're frustrated and don't understand why you can't but like you know i feel like if you're doing something for somebody else's pleasure like you should probably enjoy it you know i mean sometimes like you're just tired and sometimes you're hot and sweaty sometimes yeah sometimes like Yeah, sometimes it just doesn't happen. I'm like, that's all right.

It's the same way it's like, sometimes girls just can't get turned on. If you're not in the mood for it, or if certain things aren't in line. But if you still want to pleasure your partner, fuck it. That's the thing. The body is, mind is willing, but the flesh is weak. Yeah. If your mind is willing willing then that makes fucking sense

yeah and like trust trust your partners if he says he's into it and he's enjoying himself then i feel like it's natural to feel guilty when you're getting pleasure and they're not necessarily you know getting the same especially with like decade like well i feel like anyone should feel that way um and if you're not then you're not doing it right well i mean you know think of how many guys i know that's why i'm saying you should yeah feel that way anytime i've ever been like yeah i faked it girls have been like oh i know right and it's like it's like oh so many times it's yeah it's not that uncommon and it's not that hard like if you're wearing a condom like if you're not wearing a condom it's it's a little bit it's a little trickier to pull off yeah um well how can you pull off it's on but your dick doesn't come off when you say condom if you're not wearing condom it's harder to wait when people say getting it off they don't mean

ripping their dick off no they do oh okay and that's like if you're waiting for your dick to grow back so you can come then that's makes sense that you'd want to fuck them with your torn off dick. Oh, boy. Well, I think it's time for a damn. Oh, God. I mean, oh, my God. Like, there's just so many. I just, like, every time I look at these,

I just, like, go down this spiraling cascade of shit that I'm just baffled. Also, we should probably say our goodbyes and thank yous and deets. Because we got some big news! Do we? Well, what are we now on? Oh, yeah. We're on Stitcher now. So if you're a fan of the Stitcher platform, you can find

us on there. On Stitcher. On Stitcher. Also, we might have left this a little bit late, but I know it's never too late to help, but basically on iTunes, one of the things they lend a lot of weight to are reviews and ratings. So if you haven't been able to get a chance

to rate and review us, and you could, that would be superb. It would be an excellent birthday gift for me. Yeah, Dane's birthday's coming up, so throw him some... It's already happened. In the up, so throw him some. It's already happened. It's already happened.

In the future, it's already happened. And when you're listening to this, it'll already have happened. So give him a little birthday present of your support and your love. Yeah, it takes like three seconds to pop over into iTunes and give us five stars. Give us a five- star review and maybe write a little review about us. And if you enjoyed us and what you like about us. Yeah, that would be really great. Really helpful. We're trying to like, you know, get new listeners, get a little bigger.

And like, you know, because we've had to, you know, we're putting aside like a lot of time and effort and like paying for the platform and all this stuff. So we got to keep it expanding, I guess. And we want more questions. We do want more questions. We feel like there's some people who have been so good. And I'm sorry that I'm harassing you for more questions. But you guys are the fucking best. If you have ever sent in a question, you are the best.

Thank you. And if you have a question, you can send it to us in a variety of ways. You can hit us up on email, which is fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can find us on Facebook at is fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com you can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast you can also hit us on Twitter which is fck underscore buddies thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song

Paper Stars I already fucked it up earlier on the episode on purpose so I figured I had to do it properly this time I think Josh Eagle doesn't like me for doing this he didn't respond to my tweet. I've never... He liked it. Oh, really?

I'm gonna fucking retweet, Josh. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are your papers finger too? Are your fingers paper? Oh, God. I'm becoming you. Exactly why he hasn't retweeted. Alright, back to Dan's bullshit. There's too many fucking

examples of him being just a massive piece of shit for me to choose from. exactly why he hasn't retweeted it. Alright, back to Dan's bullshit. There's too many fucking examples of him being just a massive piece of shit for me to choose from. But, uh, this is maybe one of the scariest ones yet. You ready? Hmm. No, but... Dan says

my ex is the female version of me. Who is this horrible woman? Who is she? I hate it. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. Are you sure?

And we're your fuck buddies. We're your fuck buddies? I'm not playing.