Fine Dining - Applebee's: The Most Mediocre Restaurant in America (So Far) feat. Alan Tudyk (Resident Alien, Firefly)

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

Applebee's scores a 5.00 from one of the boys Michael tells about the time he chauffeured Ron Jeremy Alan Tudyk tags in as Steven's voice for this week's Cheese Review The presence of a Cinnabon-licensed dessert reignites an old debate Brisa reviews Applebee's kids menu in this week's Munchkin Menu Musings JUB wants to make the skimmest milk ever We're now on Patreon! Get a monthly free episode, merch discounts, download access to our music including the 7 singles from our Olive Garden musical, the opportunity to get your face immortalized on the Tchotchke of Mediocrity, and more!   Get our 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send us your Applebee's stories at [e-mail].   Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast   Let us know where we should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google, or wherever you get your podcasts. We read every one!   Next time on Fine Dining: Cinnabon! If you have ever worked for Cinnabon and have a story to share, send it to [e-mail].

This episode of the Fine Dining Podcast is brought to you by RoboGames, the 15th annual RoboGames, April 6th to April 9th, 2023. You can catch that on twitch.tv slash RoboGames, and I will actually be the host of that. So please go on Twitch, tune in. We're going to have four days of exciting robot combat. You'll get to hear my beautiful voice over all of it. Show your support and tell everyone in the comments all about the podcast. If you're listening to this episode on the day it launched, this event starts tomorrow. Hope to see you there.

Sugar Dusted Donut Dippers. Sugar Dusted Donut Dippers. Sugar Dusted Donut Dippers. Sugar Dusted Donut Dippers. Sugar Dusted Donut Dippers. Sugar Dusted Donut Dippers. We've got our mouths warmed up for you. Hello and welcome back to the Fine Dining Podcast.

As in, it's fine. It's okay. This is the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. And we're talking, you know, all these popular chains, all the chilies of the world, all the Applebee's of the world, which is what we did this week. But they're out there just, you know, rampaging through our digestive tracks and no one's calling them on their shit. So in this show, we are looking for the perfect 5.00 out of 10.

That perfectly mediocre restaurant, the measuring stick against which is it can compare all other restaurants. Is that the meh-jureen stick? See what I did there? I hate puns, but I will give you that. Good. So we do this based on a restaurant's atmosphere. Based on the service.

And of course, based on the food, you know, the restaurants. Yeah, we got to eat there. You don't go and just meander and leave. Now we would love it if you meandered on over to our Patreon page and checked that out. We're giving you an exclusive episode every month. Last week, we just dropped our Portillo's episode. It's a Chicago style hot dog chain. Here's some of the highlights from that episode.

Another thing you told me about there, the chain announces orders at the pickup counter in Rhyme. Yeah, it's like number seven next up for heaven. Like that kind of stuff. They're not like complex. They're not like Eminem, like dropping bars where it's like long, multi-syllabric rhymes. Number 44 in your order is up. You were fortunate one, but the poor fellow after use Portillo's ain't done. 45 hot dog.

We skipped it onto the next shit. So please forgive this. If you don't like my glibness, these folks can witness. I'll dunk your head in acid like a test of litmus. Hey, guys, it's Alex Borstein. You're doing God's work in search of the most mediocre restaurant in America. I do want to give you a little bit of shit there, Michael, about your hot dog choice. Catch up only.

Is that what you have? What are you fucking five? Are you a fucking toddler? You want me to cut it up for you into pieces too? You're going to use your fingers to eat it? And more where that came from. So if you're interested, go on over to our Patreon. The link is in the description of this episode.

That's just patreon.com slash fine dining podcast. Anyways, enough about Portillo's. This week is about Applebee's and I think our table is ready. Fine dining party of two. Yeah, our table is ready. See you in the booth. Your table is ready. Follow me.

Have you tried our chicken breast? Serving pancakes and ribs. I recommend the spaghetti. We're here to satisfy, not to impress. Your table is ready. Complimentary butter and bread. These walls have road signs. Knit, knack, cowboy hat.

Good luck, cat. Altograph guitar. Some crap from your city. Behold the trash key of mediocrity. Fine dining is just fine dining. Fine dining, two ledgers on the sign are shining. Neon flickering, irregular timing. Identify the perfect vibe.

Palatine. Fine dining. Fine dining. First impressions. This is our first time in a while driving separately to a restaurant. So I actually had to wait on you just a little bit when I walked in. And of course, in classic Garrett fashion, you've got like your teeth gritted and you're just kind of like,

Yeah, I came waddling in pain and annoyance at the rain. Well, I drove separately because I had the stomach flu at this point. And I thought it would be a bad idea for me to be in a car with everyone else. Oh, no, I appreciated that you drove separately, but it's just, I feel like when you burst into a room, you're like an in pain Kramer. I feel like you're like Cosmo Kramer sliding into a room, but you're just like, ah, like all my bones.

I can feel that. So I got to see that. But also I got to see my first real impression in adulthood of Applebee's. I haven't been to one since maybe I want to say fourth grade. Oh, yeah. I remember you told me you were disappointed because they didn't have more things with apples. I, yeah.

No, I remember they actually made almost like an apple pie filling in like a ramekin. They just gave me like a thing of dipped apples. Just to shut up little Michael. Kind of, yeah, yeah. No, it was all I wanted. So yeah, because of this, I almost felt like Applebee's was a part of my destiny because the first thing you see on the outside door, it says welcome back and I'm just like, how did you know?

So basically Applebee's has been waiting 20 plus years just to see your beautiful face again. And it did. It got to see me and I got to see it and, you know, one of us has aged a little bit better than the other one. I won't say actually we've probably aged equally. But I was immediately taken by the color scheme. Everything seemed like a like a homemade of wood. Yeah, a very homey feel.

It was pine everywhere. Yeah, that's all just pine. And then pine, pine, pine, pine, pine, pine, pine, pine, more pine. And then light fixtures that were like glass and multicolored, lots of reds, yellows, greens, blues. I enjoyed it. Yeah, those looked good. It's a very homey vibe.

Those added some pop. They matched like it's like the Applebee's logo color scheme. Yeah, it felt like an 80s basement. Yeah, it felt like a mix between a less harassy Hooters and Lubies. Yeah, with like kind of nursing home vibes. Yeah, I mean, this definitely wasn't nursing home vibes, but I do totally relate to that comparison. I just can't put my finger on why it's not nursing home vibes.

It's you just got your ARP card vibes. Yes. Now we walk in and right in front of us on the back wall is a sign that just says Edibles. Just Edibles. That's the first thing I see too. And I'm just like Southern California, gonna Southern California. And like, I asked the host, I'm like, hey, man, do you guys have Edibles?

I'm sure he gets this all the time. And he's just like, I wish. Yeah, it was, I mean, it made me laugh. I love me some Edibles. They're great edible consumer between us next to Edibles. There was another large sign that said elixirs. Yes, Edibles and elixirs almost seem to be like a catchphrase. There was, there was a sign that in hindsight, I remember passing in the doorway

that just says Edibles and elixirs established 1980 years of cheers. And then there was another little wall sign that said the original hangout, long live libations. So ampoules, they're trying to get you a little fucked up. Yeah, maybe that's the only way you're going to enjoy it. It was also weird because we walked in and I was just getting the vibe of we're slammed, but there were so many empty tables. It was at most a third capacity at most.

So it was not busy, but they had an exasperated vibe. Like, oh my God, we can't even with more of you guys right now. It's almost as if there were like three people working. Yeah, we stood in the little lobby area for probably 10, 15 minutes, something like that. Didn't they offer to seat you right away, but you wanted a more centralized table? Which we didn't end up getting. Yeah, they were like, here's the one right in front of the door. And I was like, eh, it's chilly out.

You know, every time the door opens, I don't really want that. And you know, if it's a thing where they didn't have a lot of tables open, I would have taken it. Kind of just like, oh, hey, at Portillo's where we got stuck right in the draft zone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was amazing. It is amazing. And it was as windy as the city of Chicago. I love that when we were waiting in the front area.

The who I assumed was a manager kind of just ambled on over and looked at me and was just like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah. And then he kind of just like backed off. It's like he anticipated that I should be angry. And then when I wasn't, it was like, okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Like just like left the situation. So he's just used to people being pissed off all the time.

He was just like checking the temperature. Like, I know I'm not doing a good job, but please don't be mad at me. That's kind of the vibe I got. They're lowering the bar for us right away. Yes. And then after probably, I don't know, 10, 15 minutes, we got taken back to the Chatsworth table. No, not the Chatsworth Corner Lounge. Is that how they said it?

No, I just, that's how I thought of it. It's a corner booth. It looks like a lounge. It has like this big Chatsworth mural and Chatsworth, California. I don't know about you guys, but the first thing I think about when I hear Chatsworth is porn. It's because it's the valley. Yeah, it's the valley. It's where it's all shot.

Like Chatsworth, that's one point. I don't know if it still is. It was the porn capital of America. Like I said, felt like an 80s basement. Yeah. So yeah, we go sit down at the Chatsworth table and we'll go into atmosphere. But first, but first, we got to learn about the history of Applebee's Garrett. Have you prepared some rusty facts for us?

I think I've got some rusty facts. It's time for this week's Rusty Fact Roundup. Garrett, as we both know, my mom is not a fan of the whip sound that we use. It's too harsh. Your mom does not like whips. And so because she listens to every episode, we've got to replace this whip sound for Applebee's. Now, fourth grade Michael was upset that there were no apples. 34 year old Michael's upset at the absence of bees.

So let's just get a form of bees buzzing instead of whips. Oh God, why? Let's jump into it. Applebee's was founded in 1980 in Atlanta, Georgia by husband and wife duo Bill and TJ Palmer. So, you know, that's the first time in a rusty fact where you just said a thing where I just had no response. I was like, that's just true. Yeah, I had nothing witty. I had no like, oh, that's unusual or that's an I mean, I guess the fact that it's a husband and wife duo adds, you know, to the homey family atmosphere.

So yeah, it's a family business. Yeah. You know, the Edibles and elixirs sign we saw. Yep. We thought it was all about getting stoned and drunk at Applebee's. Is it not? It is not. Huh.

The original name of Applebee's was TJ Applebee's prescription for Edibles and elixirs. What? Yeah. That's weird. That's so odd. The reason I would have not get, I mean, I, it makes sense that they're carrying on kind of the namesake, but man, that I didn't know that. The idea for this name literally came from looking through a phone book and landing at the name Applebee. What?

Literally, they, oh, like a person's last name. Yeah, they opened up a phone book. Bill saw the name Applebee and he's like, he's like, I like that, but it was spelled A P P L E B Y. Oh, okay. That was taken. As a restaurant? Yes. Oh, interesting.

It was just registered a year previous. Locally or was it a national? Locally in Georgia. Okay. So that's why they had to tack on some extra words and make it TJ Applebee's R X for Edibles and elixirs. That sounds like such an overcompensation like, oh God, Applebee is taken. Let's make a sentence. This will make more sense to another name they thought of that was already taken.

Cinnamon's. Cinnamon's? Yeah. Just Cinnamon's. So they're like thinking basic names. So yeah, let's go wild. Great. They really overcorrected there.

But hey, this name lasted for six whole years. It changed to Applebee's Neighborhood Grill and Bar in 1986. After near instant success, Bill and TJ sold the concept of Applebee's to W.R. Grayson Company in 1983. So this was actually a chemical company that had nothing to do with restaurants. Like, I'm trying to think of another famous chemical company, like Dow Chemical. I don't know. I don't know.

How many chemical companies do you think? I don't know. Dow Chemical is like one of the largest chemical manufacturers in the world. No, but I am getting vibes of how like General Mills started Olive Garden. Exactly. So I feel like around the 80s, there was this trend of... Let's get into restaurants regardless of who you are. So then after that, Bill was appointed president of the company.

So he stayed on. Okay. Applebee's went public on the New York Stock Exchange as a PPB in 1989. That's not nearly as good as Cheesecake Factory being cake. Yeah. I'd rather get some cake on the Stock Exchange. They could have done way better. They just went at boo.

At boo. So when they went public, they had 100 locations, which that's a lot. Yeah. Now here, to put this in context, that's 100 locations in 10 years. So 10 a year. That's a good expansion. That's an amazing expansion. Here are some other restaurants.

Just to show that Applebee's really just blew it out the gate. In the first nine to 10 years of business, Waffle House had 27 locations. Chili's had 23. Subway had two. Starbucks in its first nine to 10 years of business had one. Dang. Now here, I'm going to bring up some bigger numbers. El Pollo Loco had 70 in 13 years.

Olive Garden had 145 in eight years. Okay. So the standard bearer. And just a modern example of a chain that's kind of blown up right now. Mendocino Farms is on track to hit 65 restaurants by the end of its ninth year of business. Really? Yes. I thought Mendocino was like, there's three of them.

By the end of this year. So I moved here in 2012 and I had them almost immediately when I think there were like maybe one or two. I didn't realize they were expanding like that. I didn't either until I looked this up. Yeah. Good for them. Mendocino Farms is a pretty solid sandwich chain for anyone listening.

If you have a Mendocino Farms near you, I recommend it. Within the next four years, another 150 locations opened. Did you say four years? Yes, within the next four years, another 150. Dang. And it gets even crazier. By 1998, there were 1,000 Applebee's. Yeah.

I mean, that sounds about right. They're everywhere. What's the current number at? There are 1,577 locations in the US in every state except for Hawaii. Okay. So for context for even how crazy 1,000 is, Olive Garden had about 500 in the same amount of time. Yeah.

So they doubled them. Yeah. Crazy. In 2007, IHOP purchased Applebee's. Are you kidding me? No, no. IHOP purchased Applebee's in 2007. So not too long after this, the brand began to decline in the mid-2010s

as they attempted to rebrand as more of a modern bar and grill catering to more of a hip and affluent crowd. Mm-hmm. Because you don't think hip and affluent when you go to Applebee's. No, not at all. I feel like the only way you could have gotten 20-year-old me into an Applebee's was as a dare. Oh, but there's more.

Oh, yeah. They managed to alienate and confuse all of the older folk and families that were going to Applebee's for the traditional family style. And millennials, they didn't bite either. Well, we're killing the restaurant industry. Yeah, I know. That's what I hear. Oh, exactly.

They did one thing that saved their entire company. Yeah? They launched the dollarita, the $1 Marg. Oh, God. In 2017, after years and years of declining sales, they're like, shit, what are we going to do? Let's get everyone drunk. This is like borderline Taco Bell effort of marketing.

Like, what if we put a Dorito inside Cheetos on chicken wings? But hey, it works. Applebee's was wildly successful with their dollar margaritas and they managed to repopularize themselves as an affordable, low-key, and above-else traditional, casual dining joint, where you can get drunk for real cheap. Yeah, it looks that way. So speaking of getting drunk at Applebee's.

Yeah. There's a thing, or at least there was a thing, called Club Applebee's. Is that like a rewards club or something? That's what it is now. Oh, what are the origins? Guess what state this was most popular in? Florida. Yeah, of course.

So in Florida, many Applebee's from 10 o'clock until 2, stayed open and just hosted parties. They brought in DJ's, club lighting, a karaoke machine, and people were literally dancing on the bar. Applebee's after dark, baby. There's actually a website that was devoted to showing the different locations of Club Applebee's around the country. And the website's down now.

So that's why I think Club Applebee's is done. I would have never in a million years assumed the combination of words Club Applebee's meant an Applebee's nightclub. To the point that it took me halfway through you actually explaining it for me to realize that's what you were saying. That is such an odd pairing. But hey, it's a popular thing. I remember in college there was this bar I went to,

Churchill's, every Thursday they had Dollar Pitcher night. Yeah. And you can imagine how popular and how much of a disaster that was. Oh, for sure. So just imagine Dollar Margaritas at your local Florida Applebee's. I will not imagine such thing. I like sleeping well at night. And that'll do it for this week's Resty Facts Roundup.

Sorry, mom, about the whip atmosphere. So we sit down in the Chatsworth Lounge, this corner booth that loops all the way around in front of a Chatsworth mural and immediately all five of us that were with our party slide in and just kind of take a dip on this cushion to a point where like I thought it would be funny to do this bit where I almost fall off of it. And then I actually fell off of it. Like I was like, oh, let's get a little TikTok video where I kind of exaggeratedly

stumble so people can understand like, oh, hey, that seat is broken. And in the process actually fell to the ground and hurt my shoulder. And I was like, this is what I get. But funniest thing, our server came over and she was like, oh, hey, just so you know, that's broken. Oh, yeah, she told us there was no here's a fix or I mean, it's fine. I don't expect her to just fix a seat, but it is kind of funny that it's just like they know about this.

I have a feeling it's not recent. I have a feeling it's just this is how this seat has been for a while and it's fitting that it's in the Chatsworth booth. Now also right behind us. There was what looked like a little trap door in the wall. Yeah, you looked into that. I didn't really get to look into it. I just saw the piece of the wall that was like flopping off.

It was yeah. It was like a little wallpaper flap, but it was like thicker than that to where you could tell if I pull it like, I don't know. Is it safe? Like it's like there's a dumb waiter. I want to know, Garrett, what's going on over there? So Michael, what's going on over there? I mean, it's definitely a secret compartment.

Like there's got to be something in there. Oh, guarantee. It gave me safe like vibes, like a vault, but I didn't feel safe at all near there. No. And then you think about where we are, Garrett. The Chatsworth. Booth, I think that's where Applebee stashes their porn. Now, keep in mind, we're literally on like a casting couch for the Chatsworth.

They stashed the porn there or do they film it? Is this like, I mean, if you have a customer's action, I hope that they are not filming it. But I mean, that booth, I mean, how did it get broken? Yeah. What's going on over there with the booth? It's a neighborhood grill and bar with 80s basement vibes. The only thing I think about with the 80s and neighborhoods is swingers. I mean, Applebee's, there's definitely something going on here.

I was surprised that they didn't have like shag carpet. That just reminds me. I used to go to this pizza place growing up that had literal shag carpeting on the walls. Yeah. On the walls? On the walls. Carpeted shag walls. That sounds horrifying.

It was amazing. Oh my God. I don't want to even graze that wall, nor do I want to now in hindsight touch the Chatsworth booth. That sticky vinyl. You fell into the stick zone. Yeah. But like, oh God.

Yeah. Like, oh, what if it was like a window for a peeping Tom? Oh God, it's the voyeur special. Oh God. Yeah. I mean, I think some combination of these things is definitely what's going on over there. We're in the Chatsworth booth and didn't you drive around an adult film star at some

point? I remember you telling this story. Are you digging for my Ron Jeremy story? Yes, please. Okay, I was working for a web show probably six years ago at this point and they needed someone to go pick up Ron Jeremy for a cameo in a, it was a non porn web show. I was not part of filming. I could see your eyes.

Yes. So this was a comedy series, not porn, but they had Ron Jeremy booked for a guest spot. So let me tell you the story of what it's like to pick up Ron Jeremy from his Skyrise condo and bring him to a film set. Do you want to hear that, Garrett? Oh yes, please. So my friend who was running the show was basically like, hey, I've got a day gig for you.

Do you want to just go pick up Ron and bring him to set? And I was like, sure, who's Ron? He was like, Ron Jeremy and he was like, oh, okay. He was like, he's going to be a while. So just get there, call him and just wait. Okay, whatever. So I drive over probably only 10 minutes from the filming location and I call him and he answers right away and he sounds energetic.

He's like, oh, hey, Austin area code, I used to go to Austin all the time. I love it. I own property there. Where are you from? You know, chatting me up. This is over the phone. I'm waiting downstairs and he's like, hey, I got to get my blazer. I'll be right down.

Cool. This isn't going to take that long. The valet guy walks up to me and he's like, you need to pull your car up. I was like, oh, I'm just picking up Ron. He'll be right down. And he was like, oh, you're here for Ron? Yeah. Park over there.

It'll be a while. And I was like, why is everyone telling me it's going to be so long? 45 minutes later. So are Benny on a seating time? Yes, are Benny on a wait time? 45 minutes later, Ron Jeremy moving like a turtle walks out of the front of this condo. He's in boxers and a tank top, just a white undershirt tank top and moving so slowly. Now my trunk was full of stuff.

So he gets to my car and he just has a bunch of stuff and he wants to like put stuff in the trunk. I was like, oh, you'll need to lay it in the back seat. I opened the door and he just throws crumpled pants in there. Now the one thing is he doesn't have his jacket. The one thing that he was like, I just got to get this and I'll be right down. And where was that energy that you had 45 minutes ago, Ron? This was a different guy.

He's like, I forgot my jacket. I'm just going to run back up. I'll be five minutes. And at this point, I'm like pulling my hair out and I'm like, no, don't go back up. Have you missed the call time yet? No, because they sent me knowing that it would take a while. 15 minutes later, he comes down, he has his jacket, sits down in the front of the car and we leave.

But that's not the end of the story. Oh, no, no, no, because now we're driving and Ron Jeremy is sitting in his boxers in my front seat, silent for a minute. And then he spits out a harmonica. So he's just been storing a harmonica in his mouth, storing a harmonica in his mouth and goes, you play. And I'm like, no, he was like, oh, well, I play a harmonica. I'm actually a really well known harmonica player.

I've played with Willie Nelson, I've done this, I've done that. Do you mind if I play some harmonica for you? And I'm like, yeah, sure, because who's going to say no to this opportunity? So he spits out this harmonica, starts playing, it has one broken note on it and just the sounds it was making felt like a metaphor for the entire experience. It was haunting. We arrived at set, I left. Anyways, the atmosphere of Applebee's felt like that.

Oh, no, it didn't feel like it. Honestly, it did. I really liked the lighting. I liked the homie vibe, so I'm not going to shit on the atmosphere of an Applebee's. I'll shit on the atmosphere of an Applebee's. What about it? One of the biggest things I like about Applebee's, it's all about the local sports memorabilia. I'm used to seeing like high school jerseys, the local college team, even a pro team.

This was missing. Where was the local sports memorabilia? Where were the pictures with local celebrities? Where was the picture of the mayor? You are the neighborhood grill and bar. Where's the neighborhood? I'm just getting like, well, Pornchute. They had a sign about the neighborhood because they literally had a sign that said neighborhood

and then underneath it, it said Chatsworth, Stony Point, Santa Susanna, LA County, Winnetka Avenue, Minnie Hill, Palmer House, San Fernando Valley. Not all of those are neighborhoods. They kind of just got lazy and co-opted the entire LA County and then also just the specific street that they're on. Yeah. I was like, make up your mind. What are you?

Whose neighborhood are you? They had a presto on the table. What's a presto? The automated paying machine. It's sometimes called a Ziosk. Yeah. Ziosk is the name I'm used to. It's funny to me that like, of all the devices you would expect there to be a monopoly and

only one company who does them, automated payment machines specifically sitting on the tables of chain restaurants would be like the thing that I would expect to be like Q-Tip, Band-Aid. But no, there are competing companies that do this. And I think we've seen three of them so far. I forget what the third one was called, but presto and Ziosk are definitely two of them. The art on the walls here was just nature. It was like signs pointing to different local things.

So I guess they really dug into like the local neighborhood, maybe not local sports, but they definitely dug into, we are local. Where's their nature in chats? Well, there's like hiking in the valley. Like, I don't know. People go hiking. But it probably wasn't chats worth specific. I haven't seen all the little ponds and lakes that Chatsworth has to offer to know if that

one shot of a pond that I saw happened to be in Chatsworth or not. Watch, it was probably just a shot of Lake Balboa. Or it might have been just like off of like an overpass or something. Like, yeah, you know, I don't know. But it looked like it was celebrating the nature of the area, which sure, whatever. I didn't dislike it. Like, it made for a good ambiance. It was comfortable.

It was, you know, just uneventful. The last thing I want to talk about before I go into my raiding, the cloudy water in the bathroom. I completely forgot about that. So you and I went to wash our hands at the same time because podcast hosts always go to the bathroom together. It's a common fact. It's, yeah, it's a trope about podcasts.

Yeah. Everyone knows this podcast. They pee in groups and I went in there and I'm like washing my hands and I then kind of cup it a little bit because I have a little bit of food on my my beard. And I'm like, OK, I'm going to just splash some water on my face a little bit. And I think better of it because I look down at the pool of water in my hand and it is very cloudy. It looks like watery milk.

What? Okay. That is watery skim milk water. Oh. Yeah. You had milk water. Yeah. It was a little off putting the faucet next to it didn't have it and reportedly because

we did not verify ourselves. The women's restroom did not have this problem. So there was just one milky faucet in the men's restroom. I hate that sentence. It didn't Chatsworth. Oh God. It's all coming together now. And now a word from our totally not made up sponsor.

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Just come find me. Go to your nearest nude beach and look for the guy wearing nothing but socks. That's me. Okay. Bye. So we got to give a thumb rating. Applebee's, you know how to make a mediocre place. I thought this was all things good balanced out by all things bad, but nothing was too

good and nothing was too bad. It was right in the middle. Perfect mediocrity, Garrett. Zero thumbs. Applebee's has the quintessential non-offensive environment. You know, I've realized that non-offensive is kind of your go-to for mediocre. Yeah, non-offensive, bland, my life story. Applebee's has the ultimate Garrett of all environments.

Is that the measurement of mediocrity? It is. One Garrett is a... Yeah, it's okay in small doses. It's kind of falling apart, but in the end, you feel safe. In the end, you feel safe. In the end, you feel safe. That is one Garrett.

Yes. Yeah. So zero thumbs. Perfect Garrett score. Service. It was not Lucille's bad in terms of how long it took for us to get served. It was probably eight to 10 minutes, which is, you know, it's whatever, but it's still annoying.

You don't want that. And what made it worse wasn't how long it was. It was that immediately we got noticed by two servers, and I felt like they were playing a game of silent chicken with one another because neither of them wanted to take on the table of five. Now, keep in mind, there was no You Must Bowl punishment for this, so there wasn't anything where, and by the way, for you listeners, the You Must Bowl is a bowl of punishments that we have to draw from when we rate a restaurant and it falls outside of that four to six range.

It's not mediocre enough. So whoever picked it gets punished and has to do something for the next one. And we have an open call for You Must Bowl submission. So give us an email, find dining podcast at gmail.com. Give us a suggestion, something like something that won't interfere with the dining experience of others unless it is just to laugh at us. Right. What we want is to make ourselves look stupid, and that's about it.

Make us feel uncomfortable, not other people, but send us suggestions. But yeah, I just felt like the waiters, both of them could have served us and they were posturing. They were passing by and not addressing us, hoping that the other would pick up the slack and eventually one of them did. It didn't take terribly long, but it was, they seemed understaffed in general. Yeah, but there was no inner tube, there was no bride-to-be sash. We just looked like us.

Yeah. What's wrong with us? I don't know. I mean, so much is wrong with us, but like, they don't know what we've been diagnosed with. Yeah, I don't know what it is about us, but they seemed like they didn't want to serve us until eventually they did. The place did just feel understaffed in general to the point that the host, while we were

waiting at the front forever to even be seated, would occasionally leave with a squirt bottle and go bust tables, which doesn't seem like the host's normal gig, but I mean, I can only identify there was a bartender, two waiters, the host and the manager. Those are the only five people that worked for the establishment that I am certain that I saw. The manager just wants to make sure nobody's upset, but he doesn't want to do anything about it. So screw that guy.

So yeah, the girl who ended up serving us, she was fine, you know, she was passable. She did the job. She's what we would expect from Applebee's. Yeah. She's what we would expect from mediocrity. However, there was a moment where Aubrey made eye contact with another waiter and he stopped by to be like, Oh, did you need something? I thought you were waving me down.

And she was like, No, no, no, that was unintentional. But come to think of it, I need a water and he was like, Oh, you know what, I'll get that for you. Guess what never came? This guy was just stolen valor. I want to look like the good guy, but I never have to follow up. And for that, I'm giving him this week's This Is Way Too Much Award. That behavior is way too much, Garrett.

It was, what are you trying to impress her? She's taken, bro. I don't think it was that. I don't either. I think he wanted our tips, which how is that going to happen? What are we going to slide him a five? He doesn't know we're not going to slide him a five. I guess.

Yeah, I don't know. But the fact that there was no follow through on it, I was like, what was the point of that? It was literally just a show of I'm going to be the good guy. It was way too much. Anyways, we got to rate the service. I'm going one thumb down. It was very close to middling, very close, but that weight at the beginning that I just didn't understand that factored into it, the do nothing manager and the random check-in

that led to nothing. One thumb down. I agree with you. I would almost land on one thumb down, but I'm giving this zero thumbs thanks to one thing. The host subscribed to our podcast. Oh, yeah, he did. He said he wants to do his own podcast and I told him he can email us if he wants notes

and that still stands. Yeah, thanks to you. Well, we'll talk notes. This restaurant has a better rating. You are the best part of this restaurant. You really what? He was the same guy who you were like, do you have edibles here? And he just went, I wish.

Didn't miss a beat, by the way. Yeah. Why is this guy not a server there? Like he seems to have more personality than the rest of that place combined. He had server charisma for sure. Munchkin menu musings. Hi, my name is Brisa. I'm 11 years old and I will be reviewing the Apple Buies menu.

The activities were all right. They weren't the best, but like the spot, the difference was easy. Like you just had to figure out what the difference was on the hamburger. It was a tie between the tic-tac-toe. They wanted you to draw your favorite animal. I chose to draw koala, but a koala is really hard to do. The word search was my favorite part. It was easy, but at the same time, it was very hard, but not really hard.

The words were apple, burger, chips, fall, fries, ketchup, leaves, lunchbox, outside, school, snack, and tacos. If I had to give this a score, I would give it a maybe like a 6.5 out of 10. Oh, and also there was this section called I spy, but I couldn't do it at the restaurant because they didn't give me crowns due to COVID and I couldn't do it at my house because I wasn't at the restaurant. That's whack. And actually I'm going to change my rating to a 5 out of 10.

This is Brisa for Munchkin Menu Music Newsings. Thank you. Food. Yum. Garrett, I had low expectations of this food and I thought it over-delivered on low expectations. So let's start with our appetizers. We got the brew pub pretzels and beer cheese dip with honeydijon mustard. Very salted little pretzel breadsticks.

Great texture. I thought the salting on it was just right. The honeydijon mustard was very good for honeydijon mustard. It's not my favorite sauce, but I thought it added to the thing more than the thing on its own. I give it a 7.5 out of 10. It's not great, but very solid. Okay.

Me as flu boy over here, I did not try the dips because I don't want to infect y'all. And traditionally I actually enjoy these dips, but I only got to eat the pretzels. And you know what? These pretzels looked different than usual. Did they? When you have a thick pretzel, the top is more shiny and smooth. And the underside is a little rougher, bumpier, it's got like the grill marks on it. This entire pretzel was rough and bumpy.

There was no smoothness on this pretzel. So visually it was already not appealing to me. Like a pretzel if it were a raisin? Kind of, yeah. It was a wrinkly pretzel. I'm used to more salt on these things. So it was not salty enough. It was wrinkly and it was not as soft and moist as I'm used to.

So I can only give this a 6 out of 10. It sounds like you're describing a food that you found in like a bag that's been sealed shut and been steaming for like a drive and then you get home. Oh, I'm just pretty accurately describing the next morning hot dog. Yes. Have you ever just like left a hot dog out overnight and then you wake up the next morning and you eat it? Just like pizza?

Cold? Yeah. No, I'm not eating cold hot dogs. I wouldn't do it now, but like. Next appetizer. Everyone lived in the dorms at some point. Chicken wonton tacos. These things were bomb.

I thought they were amazing. Very good. A very crispy wonton shell. The chicken was delicious. I thought that the chicken versus cabbage proportion was perfection. This was a 9 out of 10 appetizer for me. I'm putting this in the same breath as the bloomin' onion. I am not saying it is better.

Nothing has topped the bloomin' onion. No. It's a category of its own, but this is up there, man. I love these chicken wonton tacos. And I agree with you. The shell was extremely crisp, just greasy enough. The chicken was nutty and flavorful, but there is only one thing that is keeping me from putting this in that top tier.

And that is a quality hot sauce. Mmm. Yeah, you did say that to me while there. You and I have a hot sauce that we love and you were just like, if we had only put that in there so I can only give this an 8 out of 10, but with proper hot sauce, easy 9 out of 10 or 10. Ah, yeah, I loved it. Now the third appetizer, I didn't touch.

I didn't either. Cheese sticks. Mozzarella sticks. So we had our boy Steven there with us, our cheese correspondent. He does our cheese reviews for us. He tastes them. He eats them because you as a listener deserve to have a full up and down the menu review of this place that we're going.

And we can't give you that. We can't give you that, but we are giving you that in the form of someone else. That said, cheese is gross. We're only giving it one minute, one minute. You get one minute to talk about cheese. Now unfortunately, Steven can't deliver his review this week because he ate an actual apple covered in bees, which is just a horrible combination. His tongue has swollen to the point that it is now occupying his entire mouth.

It's horrifying, and now as we wait for the swelling to go away, someone else can fill in for him. Who do we have this week? Hi there, this is Alan Tudyk. I will be reviewing the mozzarella sticks at Applebee. Steven's going to be filing this report, but unfortunately he bit into an actual apple covered in actual bees. He was allergic.

The prognosis is not good. Get better, Steven. Even though the doctors say you're not going to. Okay, a mozzarella stick. It needs to be the right amount of crispy, the right amount of gooey, the outside of the mozzarella stick. It kind of looks like a popcorn ceiling, a brown. You got to bite into that, get a little resistance.

It's going to break, crack, crunch, and you're into the gooey, and that's what I experienced with the Applebee's mozzarella stick. It's not a delicacy, but when you get it wrong, you sure can tell. You can't elevate mozzarella sticks too high, and Applebee's certainly doesn't even try. The marinara sauce could have been a little bit richer. It wasn't, but it didn't take away from the overall stick. I'm going to give it a 6 out of 10. No other mozzarella stick in the history of mozzarella sticks has gotten any higher

than 6.5, so that's a pretty good rating. For our entrees, I got the Applebee's Riblet's Platter because I thought it sounded funny. Just the name Riblet's. Now keep in mind, they have standard ribs on the menu, so it isn't like they have Riblet's instead of Ribs, they have Ribs and Riblet's, and I'm confused largely. I think the only difference between them is that the Riblet's were kind of a nightmare to eat. You know, traditional Ribs, you've got the bone, you can kind of pick up the bone and

use it almost as a handle. The Riblet's didn't have that, but you couldn't cut into them because they had bones in them, but they were like triangular and almost like down the entire thing. So you're pulling out these triangular medallions out of your mouth as you eat them with, I guess, your hands. So you literally couldn't cut into them because of the bone. So they were like flanking short Ribs. I guess.

Yeah. A horrible concoction. They taste like Ribs. It's not like these things tasted disgusting, but just the ordeal that they put you through, it's just you can't get it on a fork. You gotta just hold them with your hands and shove them in your mouth and then pull out the bone. And I didn't like this process.

This was not like, what are you doing? Why are you reinventing Ribs when you also have Ribs? Did you know what they're dead? What? They stole that from the Koreans. No, because these weren't like Galbi. Those are great. It was a similar cut, though.

There was the bones of the Ribs in more of like a triangular or like an oval pattern in each piece of meat. The oval ones work great. You just pop them out or whatever. Yeah. You grab the oval and then you go, ah, nom nom nom. Those are fantastic. These were not.

These were like, I felt like I got a meat covered vertebrae. Oh, that's really gross. Yeah. I thought so as well. And now again, the taste on them was fine. If not weak, I thought that the meat wasn't very flavorful. Yeah. There's not a lot of meat around the spine.

It was, yeah. It was all sauce, five and a half out of 10. Ugh. Yeah. And then on the sides, I got onion rings and garlic mashed potatoes. The onion rings were too hard. Like my first bite, I couldn't, I couldn't get it done. I had to like reassess and take a second bite.

So between the riblets and the onion rings, both being difficult, like I literally had to call for reinforcements. I had to be like, nope, front teeth couldn't get it done. It's time for molars. So you even turn to me, you're like, this is really hard here. Take one. This is like all batter, no onion, all crunch. It was not great.

I'm going to go four, I'm going to go four out of 10. And I'm going to give those a three and a half out of 10 on that one rock hard ring you gave me. And then I also had the garlic mashed potatoes. It had skins mixed in it, which is always a solid choice for me. It wasn't amazing, but it was a good garlic mash. I go six and a half out of 10. Okay.

Now I got the whiskey bacon burger with the side of fries. I'll start off with the fries. I'm pissed. Yeah. Applebee's has my favorite chain restaurant fries, actually, because Apple they used to and then it seemed like you didn't make a big deal about it this time. I'm used to bottomless fries. This was one of my favorite things about Applebee's with every entree you've got bottomless, amazing

seasoned fries. Yeah. They had like a fry salt on them. It was almost kind of like Bud Ruckers back in the day and they just brought you basket after basket after basket. Sounds healthy. Oh my God, it was so good. They were perfectly crisp, tender, always amazing, but these only a little bit crisp.

They're approaching soft and soggy. They weren't fresh. Those bad boys sat under a heat lamp for way too long and the portion was tiny. I'm offended. I had to salt and pepper the heck out of these to even get them down. So they're a five out of 10. Here's the thing. I had some and I don't remember them.

Yeah. They're a five out of 10. They're a burger now. I would have given these a 10 out of 10. Applebee's fries 10, 15 years ago, 10 out of 10 for me. Yeah. Yeah. And for the whiskey bacon burger, downsizing strikes again.

Yeah. This was a tiny wimpy patty on a tiny wimpy bun. I remember barely being able to finish this burger. Oh, back in the day. Yeah. I just down to this. No problem. And the meat was too dry.

They were stingy on the little crispy onions. They were stingy on the barbecue sauce. And what weirded me out the most, this barbecue sauce tasted like banana. That's odd. Yeah. I've never had banana flavored barbecue sauce. No. I mean, I'm sure it exists.

But yeah. But if you're not expecting it. Yeah, I'm not expecting it. And it's not advertised. Yeah. That's the thing. If you advertise a banana barbecue sauce and you get one, I'm open to enjoying it. Exactly.

But if I have just a regular barbecue sauce and it tastes like banana, something's off. Yeah. Well, this is only a five out of 10 burger for me like, yeah, what happened to Applebee's? Now we did taste a couple other entrees. Steven got the Applebee's Tex-Mex lime grilled shrimp bowl and I just had a little bite of one of the shrimp. It was really good. I don't know if I have a number for it, but I don't know.

I'll say a seven, you know, solidly in the good camp. It looked like there was chimichurri on it. It was good. And then Andrea got the salmon. And it was maybe one of the best salmon's I've ever tasted. Applebee's potentially microwaved salmon is one of your best salmon. It had a great flavor. I don't, I don't know.

I was shocked. But yeah, it just, it was very flavorful. Hey, they caught it in the lake in that picture. Oh yeah. It's Chatsworth pond salmon. It swims in the water from the sink. Oh God, you're painting such a grosser picture than I actually felt when we were there. I didn't feel like this was a gross experience by any means.

But milk water salmon's pretty gross. That combination of words should never be uttered again, or I believe it summons a ghost. Milk water salmon, milk water salmon, milk water salmon. So we got to try three desserts. The triple chocolate meltdown first and foremost. This was the one that had the little Applebee's favorite logo next to it on the menu. It's basically, you know, your standard chocolate lava cake. Chocolate lava bun cake with a dollop of ice cream.

The cake felt dry. I feel like I could buy this pre-packaged, which I'm, I've, I've said it about a few cakes a few times and I don't know audience. Do you know what I mean when I say it tastes like a grocery store bought cake? Like does that actually, does that comparison mean anything or is that confusing? I still don't know what that means. It, I guess it's a lack of depth to the flavor. It's like a simplicity where it just has this dryness to it where sure it tastes good.

Like it tastes like the bottom part of a chocolate cupcake that you would get brought to you in elementary school on someone's birthday where it was like, yeah, this is exciting because it's chocolate. But that's about it. Is it like those 99 cent crappy frosting covered pies that are filled with fruit made by Hostess? I love those. I do too. They're terrible, but I love the crap on those.

Hostess is honestly a great comparison, those Hostess cupcakes. They're good, but you don't expect it from like an artisan dessert shop. Not that an Applebee's is that, but I don't know, there's just a certain texture expectation that I have and the triple chocolate meltdown didn't give me that. Still tasty. I'm going to go six and a half out of 10. I don't know how we had vastly different experiences with it. I thought this was amazingly soft, moist and rich.

This is like the inverse of the Benihana onion soup. It is. Where I got this array of flavors and you were like, it was bland. And today I'm getting this array of flavors. You know what? It was even too rich for me without the ice cream. So six and a half out of 10 for me. Yeah.

All right. We ended up at the same thing. Yeah. That's actually kind of funny. Now the sizzling butter pecan blondie. It tasted like a pancake and pancakes are good, but it's not what I wanted or expected. I go six out of 10. This is a very classic dessert from Applebee's, despite the fact that the triple chocolate

meltdown had that little icon that said Applebee's favorite. The dessert that I have known them for is the pecan blondie. You're 100% right on the pancake taste. Yeah. That does taste like a pancake, but it tastes like a delectable brown butter pancake. I loved it. It was buttery, warm, savory, nutty, rich. It just fell apart in my mouth.

The pecans were good. The ice cream was a nice touch. Yeah. I mean, we may have had the same experience. We just reacted to it slightly differently. Sure. I'll give that an eight out of 10. Okay.

I love my savory pancake cake. The last dessert we got, Garrett, the Cinnabon mini swirls. I want to punch you in the face because we became aware that this was on the menu and I'm like, Cinnabon products are not unique desserts to a restaurant. They are ineligible. When we got them at Pizza Hut, I threw a fit because they were just little mini Cinnabons. They were just like Cinnabons. They had Cinnabon packaging.

They had Cinnabon's logo all over them. Pizza Hut was just a Cinnabon smuggler in that moment. And now these were 100% not that. Garrett, I want to file a formal Cinnabon injunction against you. This podcast can no longer do Cinnabon-based desserts. I'll see you in court. Bring it. Moving on.

I liked this. These were really good. These were the best of the three desserts. They did have a different texture. It was cinnamony. The actual texture was less doughy than we're used to a Cinnabon. It was more churro. It was more churro.

But it had a great taste. The dipping sauce was just straight up the frosting from Cinnabon. How'd you get that frosting on yours? For me, it was too thick and too cold to efficiently scoop on. It was not warm. So it kind of came like, did you ever get those Pillsbury cinnamon rolls? Every Saturday morning growing up, I would beg my parents, can you make cinnamon rolls? And it would just be that little pop open container of dough.

You put them in a little cookie pan. And then you frost them on the top with cold frosting after they've been cooked. And it warms them. So I think that was the intention here. I do totally agree with you. I mean, I think a knife is probably the answer of what you should have done. They didn't have the staff to do it for us. Well, that is a different story for sure.

I mean, honestly, my knife was covered in barbecue sauce from attempting to cut riblets to where I'm like, I don't want to mix that with the frosting. You don't want cinnamon roll barbecue sauce? Come on, banana barbecue sauce. More importantly, I don't want all of you to have to have barbecue cinnamon roll sauce just because I wanted it. Anyways, I go eight and a half out of 10 on these. They were good.

They were very good. I concede to you that Cinnabon is very good, but Cinnabon is not Applebee's. No, Applebee's is not Cinnabon. No. And these were made by Applebee's. But I will give these a seven out of 10 only because the frosting was too cold and thick. If I had a clean knife to spread the frosting on these, eight out of 10. But hey, that didn't happen seven.

It's a convenience charge. You charged at a point. What are you? Ticketmaster? Okay. Well, we got to rate this food overall. You know, I'm going to give a pretty weak one thumbs up. It's very close to mediocre, but I mean, I liked it enough.

The chicken wonton tacos probably is what put it over the edge for me. The Cinnabon mini swirls, I really liked, but I call them ineligible. It would be a strong one thumbs up if I thought that Cinnabon products were eligible to be reviewed, but I'm going to take that out of the running and give it a weak one thumb up. This was one thumb up food, but, but these portions do not deserve one thumb up. No. I left the restaurant hungry so I can only give this zero thumbs. Yeah.

I mean, portion is a part of it. We rarely talk about it. No. This is one of the first times. Over does it? Is this our first time talking about a place under doing the portion? I think it is. Yeah.

Like these were wimpy ass portions. Like, what are you? A five year old? Well, all right. Those are our food ratings. Let's go to our final ratings, but first let's hear what some strangers have to say in our recurring segment, Yelp from Strangers! Yelp from Strangers, where we read our favorite 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5-star Yelp reviews from the

very Applebee's that we dined at. And in research, we noticed some themes here. We noticed some themes. We also noticed some stuff that, like, some characters mentioned that we didn't get to experience. And that's fun. We're gonna give you just a couple of those reviews right now, but you can check out the entire uncut segment, all five of the Yelp reviews on our Patreon.

This is from Karen Jay, Los Angeles, California, February 10th, 2023. Slow service, poor management, food, good, long wait time, staff okay, but they doesn't smile. There was no punctuation in any of that. I presume it was one long sentence. That's where we're at. Thanks Karen Jay for being succinct. Hey Karen Jay, bless your heart.

That's just a southern fuck you. 2-star review from Steven T. of Los Angeles, California, on July 1st, 2018. Okay, so second time here, and I can say the one thing that absolutely did not change was the manager, who just sits there and eats, constantly, like is there like a table, like she's just sitting at a table, we didn't get to see this. If she isn't looming around snatching tips from server's hands, she's either eating something new from the kitchen, or leaning around, menacingly claring, like some hawk looking for prey.

Is this person spending their whole time here just people watching, sounds like it? And from what I've witnessed both times here, is that her prey is servers. Oh no, she has an openly rude attitude and made my only second time at Applebee's an awkward one. The only thing that stood out was the amazing waitress Susie that made sure we had everything we needed taken care of. Thanks Steven T. If you'd like to hear the rest of our Yelp from Strangers segment, go on over to our

Patreon, and we'll be posting all five of our favorite reviews there. You can find the link for that in the description of this episode, or just go to patreon.com slash find dining podcast. I want to go first, because I'm excited to give this rating Garrett. This is honestly a moment to be remembered in the history of our podcast. This is going to go down in the annals of history, because Applebee's, I gave perfect mediocrity to the atmosphere, right? I gave it zero thumbs.

I gave a weak one thumbs down to service. I gave a weak one thumbs up to food. So those cancel out, it sounds like. This was very middling, and I want to announce to you my score for Applebee's. And I mean this. This is not, you know, me doing a bit. This is not me crying out for attention, which to be fair, I mean, going to chain restaurants as frequently as we do, that's a cry for attention.

But no Garrett, that's a cry for help acknowledged and agreed, Garrett, my score for Applebee's neighborhood grill and bar is a five point zero zero what I truly felt in the days that have passed since we went like I felt middle of the road when we went. I really did. But in the days that have passed. This encapsulated everything that I expected from an experience when starting this podcast. Right? Yeah.

I wanted inoffensive service, inoffensive food to use your word, inoffensive atmosphere. Just all of it. I wanted it to be unremarkable, but nothing bad. And that's about what I would say for this entire experience. I didn't hate anything about it. I didn't love anything about it. Applebee's, you're carrying a torch of mediocrity. You know, we can ignore the fact that that torch probably ignites heartburn.

But it's a torch nonetheless. Congratulations Applebee's. I find you perfectly mediocre. I'm perfectly adequate, not too good or too bad at it, I've got to be a perfect five. I'm perfectly adequate, as unexceptional as you can get, tell me and I'll feel alive. Wow. Now, are we in the same boat? We are very much in the same boat.

Are we? I gave zero thumbs up for atmosphere, zero thumbs up for service, and zero thumbs up for food. That's no thumbs, right in the middle. On all three? Yes. That's technically even more mediocre than my 5.00. So I'm in this range.

I like to look at the ratings. I've given other restaurants. So I gave Waffle House a 5.09. Olive Garden got a 5.11. And I left both of those places filled up with food and no longer hungry. I cannot say the same for Applebee's with these recession portions. So this is lower than those? Yes.

So if I'm getting mediocre food, I at least want the portion size to make up for the middle-end quality. And isn't that the social contract of these restaurants? I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment. Yeah, so I'm giving this a 5.00. Yeah. Zero, yeah, four, man. What could it have done to get those.04 points less?

Oh, man, what could it have done? This would have gone down a little bit if some of that milk water would have gotten in my mouth. What a gross statement, but it's true. Just you get you accidentally get in my splash zone and all of a sudden the podcast is over because we found double perfectly adequate who were so close. Well, Applebee's going on the Chachki of mediocrity as our new standard, I said it carried a torch.

Yeah. 5.02. And what was funny is when we started this podcast, you told me, I bet it's going to be Applebee's. It wasn't. It's almost Applebee's. It was almost Applebee's, but it wasn't. And that means we got to keep looking.

Yes. We need to play a little game that will determine where we go next. We need to play the headline game. The rules of the headline game are as follows. Michael will present three headlines to Garrett that include this week's restaurant. They can be made up or they can be actual headlines. If Garrett can correctly guess if at least two out of three are real or fake, he will get to select next week's restaurant.

However, if Michael stumps him, he'll select again. Are you ready to play, fellas? Yeah, I am too. I'm still riding off of that high of almost hitting the middle. I'm still riding the middle. We've eaten our way to the middle and we are getting close. My initial thought was Applebee's is going to do it. Didn't you say Chili's?

That was what my gut told me, that like Chili's is perfectly adequate. But I mean, hey, you said Applebee's and I'm the one who went 5-0-0. So, okay, well, I am ready to play this game. First headline, Garrett. Wainsboro Man Fights at Applebee's Beats Up Cop, Ultimately Arrested After Crashing Car. Oh, wow. This sounds like Waffle House.

Uh, I'm going to go true because I bet that man was hangry. He was not satisfied with his meal. First one, Florida Man Arrested for Punching 80-Year-Old in Applebee's. True. Florida Man punching. Done. Third one, Georgia Man Arrested for Watching Porn in an Applebee's, Found Hiding in a Bush Outside the Restaurant.

I'm going false because I would believe that if it were either Florida Man or Chatsworth Man. But not Georgia Man. Not Georgia Man. Okay. I'm going false on that. Third one, Recap, Wainsboro Man Fights at Applebee's Beats Up Cop, Ultimately Arrested After Crashing Car.

You said that was true. Garrett it was true. Yeah. But I want to read just the first paragraph of this, this article. A Wainsboro Man is in custody after fighting with multiple people at a restaurant, crashing his car, fighting with an arresting officer, then fleeing that scene before crashing again. Why would you not put double crash in the headline? That's so much funnier.

So good job. One for one. Yes. Number two, Florida Man Arrested for Punching 80-Year-Old in Applebee's. You said true. That one also is true. Hey. That 26-year-old Florida Man was arrested Wednesday after allegedly punching an 80-year-old

man who told him to stop cursing and making lewd remarks at an Applebee's restaurant. This 80-year-old was not ready for Club Applebee's. No. He was cursing and talking about a woman's body parts when the man identified as redacted, leaned in close to him and said, in my Germany, you don't speak in such a manner. And then the other dude said, I don't care where you are from, whether it be Russia or Dutch. And then he punched him.

And lastly, Georgia Man arrested for watching porn in an Applebee's, found hiding in a bush outside the restaurant. Garrett, you said false. That one is also true. Wild. Is this like your local neighborhood? This is a local neighborhood waffle house. My favorite thing is that he was found hiding in a bush.

Like go farther, man. How quickly did the cops arrive that you were like, oh, God, I got a bucket out of here. Jump into it. Like, I don't know. How do you get caught hiding in a bush? Anyways, congratulations. That is two out of three. You do get to pick next week's eats.

What are we doing, Garrett? Okay, you know what? Next week, we need to get this out of our system. Get what out of our system? I've had enough of this. What? We're going to Cinnabon. We're going to hammer this out once and for all.

You know, Cinnabon doesn't even fit the parameters of this show. I don't care. We're going. It's not a sit-down restaurant. And you think it doesn't fit the parameters of a dessert. But because it doesn't fit the, no, I don't think it fits the parameters of a dessert outside of a Cinnabon. I think in a Cinnabon, it's fair game.

And you know what? I'll see you there and I'll see you in court. You're going to pay my lawyer's fees. I will do no such thing. Anyways, this has been the Fine Dining Podcast. We didn't find the most mediocre restaurant in America. We came very, very, very, very, very, very close. I'm annoyed at Garrett because he's, I mean, I'm not annoyed because you're making me

do Cinnabon. I love Cinnabon. Cinnabon is great, but it's ineligible in so many ways. Why do you hate Cinnabon so much? I don't. I don't. I love Cinnabon. Anyways, we'll see you in two weeks.

Have a fine day! Cinnabon, we'll see you in two weeks. Bye! Bye! Bye! I heard my throat a little. Have a fine day!