Fine Dining - Cracker Barrel: The Most Mediocre Restaurant in America feat. Jen Liv (Stand-Up Comedian) [Part Two]

Episode Date: June 19, 2024

I debut a music video about the new frontrunner in Mediocrity! Coming closer to mediocrity than Applebee's (who scored 5.02/10), Cracker Barrel is the life-blood of this week's guest, stand-up comedian Jen Liv The rocking chairs aren't the only thing that swings in this Cracker Barrel Country Store... This week's Secret Menu mini-game: Kinky Restaurants The hostess was desperately trying to earn her fourth star Their biscuits are GOATed What we ate this week: Hand-Rolled Buttermilk Biscuits with Apple Butter Cornbread Biscuit Beignets Fried Pickles Chicken Fried Chicken Country Fried Shrimp Sirloin Steak Macaroni n' Ch**se Fried Apples Baked Potato Corn Peach Cobbler Rap music video premiere: "Cracker Barrel is Mid" "Fine" Dining is now on video! Head on over to my YouTube to watch this episode! Music by: James McEnelly (@Ramshackle_Music) Theme Song by: Kyle Schieffer (@JazzyJellyfish) Segment Transitions Voiced by: Sandy Rose "Fine" Dining is on Patreon! Get an extra episode every month (May's exclusive episode: the No. 7 seed for this year's upcoming Septemburger tournament: Rally's Drive-In with special guest Steve Moulton), extended Yelp from Strangers segments every other week, merch discounts, download access to our music including the 7 singles from our Olive Garden musical, and more! Patreon Producers: Sean Spademan, Joyce Van, & Sue Ornelas   Get the 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send in your Cracker Barrel stories at [e-mail].   Follow the show on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast Follow Jen on Instagram @itsjenliv   Let me know where I should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, PodcastAddict, Overcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. I read every one!   Next week on "Fine" Dining: American Girl Boutique & Bistro History [Part One]! I'm joined by comedian and food influencer Katie Molinaro (aka EatItKatie) to hit up a lunch with dolls. But before we can talk about it, we're gonna let you know about the franchise's founding and read some Yelp reviews about it. Ever work at an American Girl store? Send your stories to [e-mail].

On this unprecedented episode of the Fine Dining Podcast, Keep shoppin', they've got CDs, snacks, apparel, rockin' chairs on the porch, hold this drinkin' cracker barrel. If you eat a lot of cracker barrel, you're not gonna be well. I loved the biscuits. From this point forward, the word cheese will be bleeped because Michael finds it offensive. Hello and welcome back to the Fine Dining Podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. I'm your host Michael Ornelas and I'm looking for that perfect 5.00 dining experience out

of 10. The perfect middle, the average, where bad becomes good, good becomes bad, that threshold right in the middle. why am I doing it? Everyone throws around good and bad so willy-nilly, and they don't even know what it means. There's no point of comparison. Exactly. So I'm trying to find it.

With me this week is Jen Liv. She's a comedian, she's a friend, she's a Cracker Barrel enthusiast. Big time. Which may or may not still be the case. We'll find out, but thanks for coming to Cracker Barrel enthusiast. Big time. Which may or may not still be the case. We'll find out, but thanks for coming to Cracker Barrel with me. Yeah.

I literally met you moments before doing a 70 minute drive to go out to Cracker Barrel with you. So that is becoming more and more common for me with doing this show, but I think it's so fun to do like kind of a road trip. Yeah. Yeah. As a way of meeting somebody.

So we'll talk all about that. We'll get into it. For those of you watching this show for the first time, in search of this perfectly mediocre restaurant, I'm reviewing restaurants based on their atmosphere. Based on their service. restaurants based on their atmosphere, based on their service, and based on their food. Mmm.

Yum, yum, yum. Fine dining party of two. We'll get into it. We've been talking a little bit. We're going to talk some more after the theme song because our table is in fact ready finally. Your table is ready, follow me. Have you tried our chicken breast? Serving pancakes and ribs, Ready, finally. Mac cowboy hat, good luck cat, autographed guitar, some crap from your city, behold the tchotchke of mediocrity Fine dining Just fine dining, fine dining Two letters on the sign are shining

Neon flickering, irregular timing Identify the perfect fine Pal I'm Paladin Fine dining Fine dining Atmosphere Well, last week we established we straight up missed the barrels. There are no barrels! And then we look back at the video and there they are! We look at the video of us walking up to Cracker Barrel. Barrels. Right there in front of the store, back into the left. Dang. I was like, no. Yeah, they're just so underplayed. They're very subtle

and they're not in hangout spots. No. We learned last week that the Cracker Barrel was literally like the old timey water cooler, the hangout spot. They're like, this is a place for community. I'm like, where? This is like a place we hold flowers now. Yeah, the barrels were just kind of off to the side, not really getting any love.

They were just surfaces for other things to sit on. Sad, sad state of affairs. What the barrel has become. Definitely not a chatting ground. And I feel like that's almost symbolic of this experience for you. What the barrel has become. I'm so sad.

So you have a background loving Cracker Barrel. Do you wanna talk about it a little bit before we dive too deep? Deep obsession with Cracker Barrel. Like a deep love, passion, super excited. When I was in my 20s, I was on tour with the Little Mermaid off, off, off, off brand version. And I just wanna make it clear, I'm not trying to be like,

I was in the Disney's Little Mermaid. Why does Ariel have green hair? Oh, that's not Ariel, that's Ardriel. Exactly, well, for example, everyone's like, oh, you must've played Ariel. And I'm like, Ursula. But in our version, her name was Wondella. And I had a giant red curly wig.

And I had like a whip and like a rickshaw. I was being wheeled about in with like a shell. And you wore that into Cracker Barrel. Of course, of course, naturally. But when we were on tour, it was a lot of one nights. It was three months, 38 states. And as we learned in the first episode, Cracker Barrel's right off the highway. It's a place of one nights, it was three months, 38 states. And as we learned in the first episode, Cracker Barrel's right off the highway.

It's a place for weary travelers. Every single Cracker Barrel's the same. And it became like my weird home away from home on tour. So some of the reviews we talked about last week were like, oh, it's just like really like nostalgic. And I wonder if it's the nostalgia. It's the nostalgia. I have so much good nostalgia about Cracker Barrel. Yeah. And I just... It's powerful what

like memories can do to uplift a place. Like my favorite burger on the planet is this fast food burger place that I have been eating at since I would... it was on the way to my piano lessons in fifth or sixth grade and it's in Austin Texas. It's called Dan's Hamburgers. I've talked about it on the way to my piano lessons in fifth or sixth grade, and it's in Austin, Texas. It's called Dan's Hamburgers. I've talked about it on the podcast before, and every single time I go back to Austin, I have to have Dan's, and I am just trying so hard

to not like it. I go- You can't. I can't, and because I just feel like it can't be that good. It has to be the bias, but it continually delivers. So sometimes those places are actually good and you have those memories, but I don't even know if I could ever

objectively rate Dan's hamburgers. It's 10 out of 10 to me. And the people I take for the first time do like it. They're like, it's not a 10, but it's good, right? I mean, some of them really, really love it. But, you know, like my girlfriend will be like, yeah, I like dance, but like. 10?

Yeah. So I get it, how your memories of a place can really establish how you feel about it. They are color, to the point that when you were asking me to be on the podcast, you'd pitched another restaurant and I brought up, would you ever do Cracker Barrel like a psychopath? And I was like, it's really far.

I was like, how far I'll do it. Like, here's the thing. I'm going to do every chain restaurant. Like my goal is to hit every main chain restaurant in this country. So, yes, I was going to do Cracker Barrel at some point, but the ones where I need to travel, I don't just assume someone I've never met is willing to make that drive with me.

I'm like road trip with stranger, absolutely. Come get in my car. My boyfriend's like, will you send me your location? I'm like, it's fine. Keep location tracking on. It's fine. We're just gonna drive an hour and a half away from home. To the nearest CB.

Yeah. I was really quite thrilled. I was looking forward to it for like two months. Yeah. Like ever since we set this up, I was like, I'm gonna go to Cracker Barrel. I can't wait. Like to the point, I was annoying my friends and family

when I got off of tour and I was just like, let's go to Cracker Barrel. And my parents were like, no, like an Albuquerque. I'd be like, we have so many other options. I'd be like, we should go to Cracker Barrel. They're like, we're not going to Cracker Barrel. We're not gonna do that. I could not literally talk anybody into going with me

when I got off of tour. Like that was the plan. And I was so into it that on my birthday, I could have gone anywhere, could have gone to any restaurant in Savannah, Georgia, a beautiful city, tons of culinary options. And I forced everybody to go to Cracker Barrel. When was this?

This was during the tour and I'd already probably visited 30 Cracker Barrels. So it wasn't like I'd never been. It was just like that comfort, that home vibe. And they're like, we could go anywhere. And the stage manager was so mad at me. And I was like, I want Cracker Barrel. And so I did.

Anyways, very enthusiastic for Cracker Barrel. So that home vibe, the first thing you get here, rocking, well after you pass the barrel that we clearly missed, you get a porch full of rocking chairs and like classic, like road signs. like a rake from the 1950s or whatever. Cause that's decoration. Just tools. Just tools. Just tools. California tools. But I was, you know, we were into it. We were like, okay, a corridor over rocking chairs. I'm always down for rocking chairs.

Yeah. I looked at the prices on them. They were in like the, what, 250, 280 range? Around 200, 250. I think they were having a sale. Yeah. And then they had the kids rocking chairs for like 150 or something like that. Yeah, it was kind of a bargain.

And it's just so many different types, different looks, different woods. Yeah. Different levels of comfort. The one I sat in, I different types, different looks, different woods, different levels of comfort. The one I sat in, I was like, you know, I don't know if this would be my forever chair. Your go-to rocker. My go-to rocker.

Comfort wasn't the priority on it. I think just the fact that it rocked was. It was like, you can just rock here. And then we walk inside. I have a picture of something that I took when we walked in. Let's see if I can pull it up. Dionysus Goat Milk Skin Care was one of the first things that you see when you walk in the door. Yes.

It was like, before you even get into the store, like the anterior between the two doors, it was just like goat milk skincare. Is this the kind of store we're going into? Very, like that feels very like hippie. Which doesn't seem like what I expect from a Cracker Barrel. But as we go in, country. Peace, free love, they have all these different displays around you in the in the shop.

And there's like clothing and there's vinyl records and CDs, there's postcards, candy stuffed animals. But very prominently to me, there was a full display dedicated to pineapple and pineapple things. A whole huge display. And it was like salt and pepper shakers, snow globes shaped like pineapples or with pineapples, everything pineapple. All pineapple all the time. And my son is a pineapple.

You can see him right there, Juicy Junior. He's so cute. He's my son. Oh, he's adorable. Yeah. So I naturally, I gravitate to the pineapple stuff. Of course. And I was just like,

oh, they've got a lot of pineapple stuff. But also there is a second meaning, a second affiliation with pineapples in general society. It is apparently a symbol that you belong to the swinging lifestyle, the partner swapping lifestyle, if you will. But, you know, one thing of pineapples, whatever, that's a coincidence.

Sure. That's fine. But just across the store, another prominent display for pink flamingos. Now those lawn flamingos are another nationwide known symbol of the swinging lifestyle. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice. Like that's not a coincidence.

That's not a coincidence. That's an overt statement. And it made me ask a question, Jen. It made me wonder, what's going on over there? What's going on over there? What's going on over there? Should I worry? Should I care?

What is going on over there? What's going on over there? Do you want to know what's going on over there? Deeply. Cracker Barrel fucks. They swing in. I think Cracker Barrel has become this roadside refuge, this haven for after hours, swingers parties,

orgies, key parties. They're all about, look, they have a peg game. They do have a peg game. This Cracker Barrel is just into the most alternative, non-vanilla sexual experiences that you can have. I think Cracker Barrel has kind of reinvented itself and has gone a long way from being anti-homosexuality in the early 90s to here, the pendulum has way swung the other way and they are just

getting down. They're embracing that alternative lifestyle. Yeah. I definitely felt a certain way about it. You know, you're in a cracker barrel getting like shitty food and the South and, and then you're like swingers and the lifestyle. Right. They don't seem to mesh with me, but somehow Cracker Barrel.

They're doing it. They're doing it. Maybe Cracker Barrel doesn't even know they're doing it. Who's hosting these parties? Maybe it's just the like one-off franchise owner of this Cracker Barrel. It's the one-off owner and nobody knows. They're sweet country clientele. Hush, hush.

Hush, hush. We're still in California. Anything goes. Anything goes. The patrons, I mean, the patrons were looking just... Worn out. Worn out. They've had a long night at these swingers parties.

They've been at the swingers parties. And I think that is, in fact, what's going on over there? What is going on over there? We were the youngest ones there. By like 25 years. I don't know. It felt like we were so young. I mean... In a way that it was kind of nice. It was, yes.

But also in a way that makes you feel old because when you, you know, you are the company you keep. Oh yeah, I'm like, we're only in like an hour outside of Burbank. Who are these people? Yeah. Who lives in Camarillo? What's like the industry there? Yeah, I don't know.

The outlet mall? The outlet mall and based on the decor, the fact that there was like a pickaxe, it seemed like- Gold mining? Gold mining or railroad making. From like the 1900s? Lay in track.

The late 1800s? Yeah, there was a mom with two young kids, so technically we were older than a couple people, but even those kids looked like they'd been through it. They'd been through it, and the mom. Like they worked in a factory. Like maybe she was only 40, but she was like a hard 40. She doesn't get carted.

Yeah, she might be 25 in real life with her two young kids, but she looks like 50. I mean, if you eat a lot of Cracker Barrel, you're not gonna be well. You know the layout like the back of your hand. You're like, I know where the bathroom is without looking, and you just point it and it was right where it was. Yeah, I'm like, oh, every Cracker Barrel has the exact same layout, which is comforting

when you're away from home, you know, to be like, oh, I'm like bathroom, straight back at the back of the store. Olive Garden attempts to do that as well. When you're here, you're family. When you're at Cracker Barrel, you're making a new family. Or developing a second family. Yeah, or developing a second one off to the side. You got some swingers going on.

Oh, Cracker Bear. You'll kinky lifestyle the crack. Oh, there it is. The secret menu. You said the hidden word of this restaurant, this episode, kinky. The secret menu is a brand new mini game that you can play along with in the comments.

You can tell us who won between us. But we're gonna go back and forth for one minute, trading pitches, jabs, jokes, whatever it is, for this week's Secret Menu topic, Kinky Restaurants. We're gonna put one minute on the clock, and you guys can tell us who you think won. Examples of Kinky Restaurants are Poppy John's, Planet Hollywoody, and Hardcock Cafe.

So we're gonna put one minute on the clock and you and I are gonna go back and forth and I'll let you start. Okay, Jack off in her box. I had that same one. Bubba hump shrimp. Oh, that's good. Golden shower corral. No. I had that same one. Bubba Hump Shrimp. Oh, that's good.

Golden Shower Corral. No. Buffalo Gone Wild Wings. Oh, that's good, that's good. Crack Her Bear Ass. DTF Fridays. Oh, yes. Chipotle Lay On Me.

Johnny Pocket Rockets. Sweet, sweet. Burger Kink. Cunnalinga Pizza Kitchen. Ooh, I've got Panda XX Express. Ooh. Bukaki Di Beppo. Oh, that's good, that's good, that's good.

Five Guys, One Cup. I've got really long John Silvers. Yes, yes, yes. I've got Duncan D's Nuts. Olive Garden Party. Yes. BJ's, self-explanatory. Benny Hoo-Ha. Ooh, nice, nice, nice.

What a butthole. Ha ha ha ha. Chick-fil-A-nal. Wendy's? But it's for people that are into fart fetishes. Ha ha ha ha. All right. And that's this week's secret menu. But it's for people that are into fart fetishes. Hahahaha! Alright! And that's this week's Secret Menu!

Let us know who won and comment down below if you have an entry that we missed and I'll pick my favorite one and send you a t-shirt. And my favorite entry for last time's Secret Menu minigame, Breakfast Cinema, comes from BigShinyGloom on Instagram

who pitched BreakfastBrito toro, which I enjoy. So BigShinyGloom, go ahead, email me, findiningpodcast at gmail.com, or just DM me on Instagram or TikTok. Give me your mailing address, a shirt size, and I'll get you a fine dining t-shirt sent your way. Everyone else, thanks for playing,

and better luck with this one. About the country store, I did feel like the offerings of what they sold, it felt like when you go down the toy aisle or the made on TV aisle at like a Walgreens. Like the offerings weren't, no kids opening up something that you got them from the country store at Cracker Barrel

on Christmas morning and feels amazing. They're not like, yay. They're not posting it on socials. No. The thing I noticed was how ugly the clothing was. I honestly don't know if I registered any of the clothing. I know it was there, but I was like, I'm not gonna buy any of this. It was bad.

They were like, what do grandmas wear? Now make it uglier and worse than that, and let's sell that. Well, what do grandmas wear? Make it brown. It was like they took a moomoo and then took the sleeves off. And they're like, let's sell that. What is that? Yeah.

There was nothing I would even remotely was like, maybe I deserve a summer moomoo. None of it. None of it. None of it's sexy. If it was just that, there was the weird made for TV vibes where it's just like a Rubik's cube randomly and like random puzzles.

There was like a cannon with a suction cup, a desk cannon. Why? And it's just like suction it to your desk and when someone walks in, you hit the thing and it shoots at them. That's like a Michael's. It's just like a little, like a Nerf ball. That's like for Michael Scott only.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so and then the other thing I noticed was the, yeah, the clothes were just bad. The toys were bad. Oh, and then they have like a lot of really kitschy things. Like matching towels that say like Mr. and Mrs. or like a real like engagement album.

Because when your friends get married, you're like, you know where they probably registered? Cracker Barrel. Country store. I mean, it's just like the live, laugh, love of, it's like on crack over there. Yeah. And a lot of salt and pepper shakers.

Oh yeah, for every themed area, pineapple. Flamingo. Flamingo. Just wedding. Mostly those two. Mostly those two. The wedding one. And then there was just like wedding.

It was so random. There was also just like a thing that said no crabs allowed and it just had a crab on it. And I don't know what it was. It used to say something else. Was it a dish towel? Yeah. Or maybe they set that out at the swinger's parties.

They're just like, hey, look, if you're- Hey, no STDs. You've got crabs. Well, not no STDs. Just don't bring your crabs around here. Yeah, don't bring the crabs. Don't bring the crabs. And then in the restaurant itself,

it was signage and Gold Rush stuff. And like, there was a sign that said, use ice. Like, ice was this brand new invention. Use ice. And... I don't know. I thought it was clean, honestly. It was clean. And then, well, the peg game is just this triangular thing

with a bunch of pegs in it, and it's like one blank space, and you're supposed to jump over pegs, and then you remove the one that you jumped, and you're a genius if you can do it and leave only one peg remaining. You're good if you got only two. If you had three or more, it's just like, you're a dum-dum.

We use kitschy misspellings. I existeth. Yeah. When I'm putting all this atmosphere together and giving it a thumb rating, honestly, I'm just gonna go right in the middle. I'm not gonna give it a thumbs up. I'm not gonna go two thumbs up, but I'm not going down.

Like this place, it knew what it was and it had a cohesive theming. Yeah. But a lot of that theming was just, here's a bunch of crap we bought and we're gonna sell for you at a little bit of a markup for what we got it from. I'm gonna surprise you on this one.

I'm actually gonna give one thumb up. I'm not surprised. For nostalgia. Yeah. Because it was clean, everyone was kind. It was priced, even though I did not want a single thing from the store, it was all priced pretty affordably. And organized clean.

Everything was like really clean and like put together well. This is a place I could spend some time. If the food was better, I might give a two thumbs up on the atmosphere. The food brings up the atmosphere. Yeah, somehow, cause it's just like an atmosphere could be like smells of something smelled delicious from a distance that can like keeps like, I mean, I was like impressed because it was exactly

the same as I remembered it. So I will give it a thumbs a one thumb up. All right. Cool. Moving on. Service. All right. So our service boils down to four people that we interacted with. Yep. A hostess, the lady behind the checkout counter in the country store, a server, and a lady who delivered us some of our meal. Oh, okay.

I kind of missed that fourth person in there somewhere. She didn't make like a huge impression, but she laughed at a joke I made. And you know, that's enough for me to be like, okay. You'll be hanging onto that for a while. Little gold star. She didn't like say much. She just kind of like, who has the this, who has the that.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I- You're like me hungry. Me hungry. And she was like, ha ha ha ha. And you were like, my best friend, yeah, yeah. And then I... You're like, me hungry. Me, me hungy. And she was like, ha, ha, ha, ha. And you were like, my best friend. I love her. People who laugh at the things I say.

I want you. I need them. I drive back every day for laughter. Honestly, I would. You go broke just driving a Cracker Barrel. If I crushed it with just those person to person interactions, she's like, I think I'm going to move to Camarilla. I think I need to live here. Yeah.

I'm getting myself a job at Cracker Barrel. Yeah. But the main players were the lady that was the hostess, who just really stood out. She's like the perfect candidate for someone to work at Cracker Barrel. Like she did everything by the books. She was always selling. Always be closing. I am trying to take like a little picture in front of the Flamingo stand,

and I'm going to make a video, and she approaches and she's just starting to tell me about the things on sale in the restaurant. We're like... Or in the store. Great. Thank you. Meanwhile, you're literally holding a phone, like a camera, at me. And it's like, I don't- she's like, I don't care about the social cue here. I care about you knowing ways that you can part with your money in this store.

Right now. Right now. And- But she was friendly. She was so nice and pleasant. Did not get the, no social cues. She had, I don't even know what kind of accent. It was either Spanish or Eastern European. Yeah, it was kind of muddled, probably from living in Camarillo,

but she was very sweet and just sort of like, oh, there is sale. And we're like, okay, yeah, we're good. Thank you. Thank you so much. She was very sweet. Then we go to tell her that we wanna be seated and she starts pointing to advertisements on the wall

of like, if you haven't tried this, this is very good. It was like a roast beef dinner or something. She was really trying to pitch hard. It's like they were like, you be a corporate drone now. And she was like, yes. Yes, I will do that. Yes, Dan Evans. Yeah.

She had big Melania energy. Big Melania. And she was pretty and sweet. Just like really, I could not give a higher score from like her. She was great. If she was our server, this would be one of the most memorable service experience that we had. Yeah. She was not our server. Our server was fine. I most memorable service experience that we had. Yeah.

She was not our server. Our server was fine. I didn't have any problems. Yeah. Just busy, I think. Yeah. Well, you've, you've worked in service. You have, I guess, a different set of eyes for it.

I think I heard somebody saying as we were being walked to our table, like, oh, so-and-so can't get to that table, or it's really busy, or it's too many tables. Some indication that they were under stress. And so already I was like, ooh, I wonder if this is gonna be horrible. They look busy. But we were seated immediately,

and actually greeted pretty quickly. I'd say within a couple minutes. I wasn't even ready yet. It was one of those things where, and I noticed you did a thing that I probably should do more, but when we said we weren't ready, you told her approximately how much more time we needed.

I'm like one to two minutes. Yeah. Because I have had it at places where I'm not ready to order at game time, so to speak, and I don't see that server again. For like 20 minutes. Yeah. Yeah, because I knew they were busy

and I was like, oh no, this is our opportunity to order and she's never coming back. Yeah. Like, be back here in 120 seconds. Yeah. I thought she, from my tastes, she was present enough. Yeah. The only real issue I had,

and this has kind of been an across the board thing at most of the restaurants I go to, is just busing seems to be low priority. Yeah. These days. Yeah, it is. Clearing stuff off the table. So you're eating around all the plates

and like we're a table of two. Yeah, they could have cleared some stuff a lot of the time. Actually, the only issue I have is we ordered apple butter and it did not arrive. As far as service goes, I think she just forgot to bring it. And we had to flag someone down and be like, can we please have our apple butter? And it took a while, so much so that we pretty much

ate through, while I was starving, most of those biscuits and cornbread without the apple butter. Condiment stuff, I mean, I guess there's a few things that can be like make or break for me. Like if I. I mean, I guess there's a few things that can be like make or break for me. Like if I order pasta somewhere, I need my crushed red pepper. And so that's an experience where I'm like,

I won't start eating this thing until you bring the condiment. So those are where I tend to be more annoyed. Something like apple butter. I by default don't butter my bread. I usually just eat the bread. I like the bready taste of the bread. Dry?

I'm not saying I don't butter bread. I'm saying by default, I don't. Wow. Like to me, it's like, oh, let me try it this way. It's not my default way of doing it. I see, I see. I typically do butter bread, but I'm- But you don't have to.

I don't have to. I'm happy to eat it dry because it's, well, if the bread itself is, you know, like the inside still has like a moistness and like a. I got you. If it's a bad bread and it is a dry bread, then yeah, I'm really feeling that lack of butter in a negative way.

Like that cornbread. Like that cornbread. Okay, get more on that later. But yeah, so I wasn't bothered by the lack of apple butter because I'm gonna eat these biscuits regardless. Yeah, they were. You might be different. I need butter.

And the butter was a good temperature, but I really wanted to try the apple butter. Yeah. I was really like nostalgic for that. Yeah, that's really all we had. And then the lady I checked out with, again, I made a joke or two and she laughed and I was like, hmm. And we asked about the stars.

Yes. They have stars and then their name printed or embroidered onto their aprons and they have different, like they're generals. Yeah, like they're generals. I guess it's like a one star is like your beginning star. Then you earn stars based on, it's not per year. It's just like maybe-

Per evaluation is what they said. Evaluation or something. Yeah. It's whole corporate year, it's just like maybe- Per evaluation is what they said. Evaluation or something. Yeah. Whole corporate structure. And four star is the- The top. Like a four star general. I never saw any-

Our waitress had four stars. Our waitress had four stars. And the lady in the store. The lady behind the counter, yeah. The hostess had three. She was trying to get that fourth star. That's why she was upselling. The others were like, we're set,

we don't have to tell you about the sales in the store. But she's like, I gotta get this for a store. Please buy the roast beef. It's the most expensive thing. We have a sale over there, but you'll buy more anyways and spend more, I don't know. I know, poor thing. Buy a desk cannon.

I'm like a printer? No, like a cannon. Buy a rocking chair. Yeah, it's too much. Anytime you said desk cannon, I'm literally thinking of cannon? By a rocking chair. Yeah, it's too much. Anytime you said desk cannon, I'm literally thinking of a desktop cannon printer. I'm like, a desk cannon. I'm like, oh, a little cannon.

A little air powered launcher. That's fun. Yeah, she was really working hard for her money over there. And I feel like the other four star ladies were kind of like in the sweatpants part of their job where they just are like eh. They're wearing maternity clothes. They're like I don't know, I bought them off the rack

over here for 40% off, it's just a moomo with no sleeves. Yeah, service was very good in the store and it was fine. It was fine from our server. It was fine. But then at the end of the day, when she was like, do you want to pack anything up? And it was so mediocre.

I was like, no, thank you. There was a little judgment. Well, she never was like, did you like this? How is it? I would have said, not good. I don't like it. I don't like it. Would you have said that?

If she was like, oh. Would you have been that direct? No. If she was like, oh. Would you have been that direct? No, if she was like, hey, how's everything tasting? I probably would have said, um, it's fine. Because at the end of the day, it takes a lot for me to complain, a lot. Like if the chicken fried chicken was cold inside, I would have sent it back.

Or if there was like a roach in it, I don't know. It takes a lot for me to actually send something back, but just it was so mediocre. Like it was not crispy. It was not flavorful. It was just very mediocre tasting. But there was like a weird like when we didn't get stuff to go,

there was kind of like a really? Yeah, like that kind of energy. Like we're wasteful. And I'm like, no, the food is bad. That's not really a conversation you have with a person. It's just a way you feel and an understanding between you two. Yeah, I wish she would have just been like,

is everything okay? She never once checked in on us to see how it was going. And then we have a pool, like just a table filled with like half-eaten plates. Like, I don't think we finished one dish on the table. I wonder if they didn't get bused because they were half-eaten and they assumed we were still working on them.

Perhaps, but then we ordered dessert. Yeah. And she said, are you done? Do you want boxes? No, we don't. We ordered dessert. And there's still stuff. Nothing was cleared. Yeah. We have like 15 plates on the table. It was around when dessert arrived that they were like, oh yeah, we should probably start taking stuff.

That was the biggest failure for me. So if you're putting a thumb rating between two thumbs up to two thumbs down, you're going two thumbs down on service? Yeah, I mean, I guess I could give one thumbs down because the service in the store was excellent. To me, two thumbs down is like when they're actively like, they weren't actively ignoring us. You feel like they hate you. She could have been warmer.

Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll revise my thumbs rating to neutral. Okay. Because I felt the service in the store was great, and the service in the restaurant was below average. I feel the same. I felt that the, in the restaurant experience, was average based on what I have been experiencing.

It didn't feel worse than average, but I will say that that bar has shifted over the past few years. I'm sure. I'm also gonna go just no thumbs, thumbs in the middle. Yeah. I had things I disliked, I had things I didn't like,

no strong feelings in either direction. It was just there. Yeah, I'm just allowing the store to average out that non-clear of the dinner plates. That's what gets me so bad. I'm like, how could you not clear that? I am very curious what that hostess is gonna be like when she earns her fourth star.

I wanna see that personality shift, like the I own the place, I don't gotta do anything anymore. She's like, I got my fourth star. She'll be like, get it, don't get it. I don't really care. I'm like, whoa. How's the roast beef?

I don't know. She's like, pshh, like I care. Yeah. She's like, whoa. How's the roast beef? I don't know. She's like, pshh. Like I care. Yeah. She's like, I rolled in it five minutes late. Just pointing at the stars. She's like, I got to raise. Yeah. All right.

Well, all that's left, let's talk about the food. Oh, OK. Let's talk about the food. Food. Yum, yummy. I loved the biscuits. I did not expect any part of this dining experience to blow me away.

And these weren't like, they weren't like the super thick big biscuits that you get. This was like a KFC biscuit, but boy did it just taste perfect. 10 out of 10. I went 10 out of 10. Yeah. And I, if you had asked me to put money, will you give a 10 to anything?

You'd be like, no way. In your Cracker Barrel episode. Absolutely not. No, zero percent chance. And I would have been wrong. I would have been out, however much money I bet. 10 out of 10 on these just wonderful, fluffy, just amazing texture.

They had like a rich salted taste to them. 10 out of 10. So soft and fluffy inside, like the perfect texture, a little crispy on the outside, perfect saltiness. And then for me, with a little bit of the apple butter and the butter, it was like the apple butter was not overly sweet, it wasn't too tart, it was like the perfect, like, it was great.

I wrote down nine and a half and then was like, what am I saving the 10 for? Just give it the 10. It deserves the 10. It deserved the 10. Like upon further reflection, I was like, I would drive 90 minutes back for those biscuits. I don't know if I would,

but if I was in that direction, I would stop. I'm an addict. Cracker barrel for the... I'm a recovering addict. Oh, cracker barrel, how I miss thee. Anyway. And then it's all downhill from there. It's literally downhill.

Well, my first bite was the cornbread, and I was like, this sucks. This is like a 6.5 out of 10. It was dry. They were like little pucks. Well, to be fair, 6.5 is still above average. Well, all right, then it was a 4.5. It was just not, not good.

Can I do you one better? Yes. I gave it a two out of 10. Super dry, apple butter couldn't save it. It could not save it, no. I was just like, why are they, why do they think this is okay? And like last week we were talking about

how they're like cornbread's all handmade, blah, blah, blah. What? It's just like sawdust and water and a little bit of corn and it's just dry and. Not a fan. No. Not a fan of the cornbread muffin.

You can skip the cornbread muffin at a Cracker Barrel. Hard skip. Just get the regular biscuits. Just get like four baskets of biscuits and that's all. Be like Texas Roadhouse with the rolls. Mmm, yum, yum, yum. I guess the other bready thing, but we got it as an appetizer, the biscuit beignets.

Too sweet, too sweet. You thought they were too sweet. You loved them. I didn't love them, but I- The sweetness factor. The sweetness didn't bother me. I think't love them, but I- The sweetness factor. The sweetness didn't bother me. I think my sweet tooth is just insatiable.

Like I don't mind too sweet. My heart like began exploding. I was like, oh, it's so sweet. I thought that they were properly powdered. Like it was a good level of powdery. Too dry. I would say they were a little dry, but the taste was good.

They had like a syrup that you dipped them in. I went six out of 10. Now for me, six out of 10 on like a deserty item is low. Okay. To me, it's the high end of averages is six. Okay, yeah, for me, probably more of a four, three and a half, four, because it was just like so sweet and so dry.

I forget who took the first bite, but one of us- It was me? Yeah. And I was just like having a cardiac arrest. I was just like, oh, too sweet. You reacted in such a way where I was like, oh, I'm not gonna like this. So maybe you set my expectation too low

and that it exceeded them. So I liked them more. I think so. Yeah. I think so. I was really thought they would be great because the biscuits were phenomenal. And then actually I went back to our. I think so. I really thought they would be great because the biscuits were phenomenal. Yeah.

And then actually I went back to our little hostess up front. I'm like, can I get a menu? Because I wanted to see the name of it. And I'm like, oh, biscuit beignet. Yeah, the implication that their biscuits are the bread of this. Yeah, so I'm like, ooh, it's going to be good. I was like, my expectations were too high.

Yeah. The other starter we got were the fried pickles. Yeah. Which were like, they were OK. Yeah, they were kind of like OK. They were in the upper echelon of things we got, but that doesn't mean a lot. I know, unfortunately.

I would give them like a, maybe a six. I went five out of 10. I thought that the breading was good. I have, I didn't maybe a six. I went five out of 10. I thought that the breading was good. I didn't always like pickles. I'm still, they're new to me. Yeah. Eating pickles regularly. Like I no longer like take them off of like hot chicken sliders.

Okay. Or like for September, my competition, I will order burgers that have the, just as they come. Okay. And there have been some pickles where I'm like, oh, I really like what the pickle is adding to this. Yeah. I don't know if the average pickle is something that I like because I feel like they're not always good, but a good pickle. Oh yeah. The pickle was. So I can, I was able to appreciate the fried pickles. Like especially in the context of that meal, that is the only dish I went back to. I still only went five out of ten on them Yeah, I went back to that a lot throughout the meal when I just wanted a palate cleanser from the other bad things

Yeah, I feel like it was like maybe corn breaded. Yeah fried cornbread I would order them again if someone else insisted. Yeah, but I don't know if they're like they're not getting me back in no All right. And now let's go with sides. I got a loaded baked potato with no s***, no sour cream, so it was butter, chives, and bacon. It looked really good. And I was so bothered, because I love a baked potato.

Potatoes are nature's gift to us. And I bit it, and I just looked at you, and I said, how is even this bland? How? That's very disappointing. Three and a half out of 10 on a layup. That was just an easy win. It's so easy to make just a decent baked potato.

I made one last night. Mm. And it was so much better. Like how did they mess that up? I'm wondering genuinely. My guess is that they're there. Maybe they store it in a freezer and it loses the taste. I don't know.

I should have taken a bite because it looked good. Yeah. But it was like so bad. It was just that it tasted like nothing. Like the bacon was flavorless or low flavor. The butter didn't have like a richness to it. Yeah, it was, it managed to be like bland is the best word to use.

It wasn't bad. It was just flavorless. It was disappointing. That's a theme throughout, I feel. And then fried apples, which I thought were pleasant. Too sweet. You thought too sweet? Too sweet. They were like syrupy, like the middle of like a little Debbie.

Too sweet. They were so like, apples are sweet on their own. And it was just like a super thick syrup of sugar. It was too much for me. What's funny about these is, so my very first time at Applebee's, when I was, I wanna say maybe 10 years old, I remember being bummed, because I thought with a name like Applebee's,

that they would have an apple dish. And so I went in and asked, can I get your apple thing? And they're like, we don't have an apple thing. It's like, your name is Applebee's. And if I'm remembering it correctly, they brought me something akin to what we had. I think they like pulled like pie filling or something. I don't know. Maybe they just flat out told me no. I don't know. I'm having like this weird like Mandela effect. I'm like,

did it happen this way? Did I force them to serve me apples? But I remember eating like a cup full of apples, but it may have been a different restaurant. But this is what I was expecting. That's what you wanted. Yeah. And so it was just, yes, sliced apples in like a pie, like goo, like a sugared, candied sort of situation. I liked it.

I went seven out of 10. Seven out of 10. Yeah, I think for me again, it's just like a four. Yeah. It was a real bummer for me. It was just too, I mean, it is exactly what it is. Yes. But it was like, you know, when I was a little kid growing up, my grandfather used to roast apples

and like roast with like ham and turkey and all this fun stuff. Oh, weird. Yeah, it sounds weird, but the apples roasted in, first of all, it keeps the meat like really moist. And then we would eat the apples like with whatever the roast was. And it was amazing. I guess they do roast pigs with apple in their mouth.

No need for sugar guys. Just pop an apple, pop it in with your Thanksgiving turkey. Anyways, cooking segment. Love a roasted apple. You don't need all the syrup unless you want it for dessert. Yeah. I would get that again. I don't know if it's, I don't know

if I have to have it again. I feel like. It's not a must. It's not like a biscuit. I used to get it every time. I basically ordered everything that I would always get every time to see if it held up. Yeah.

And I guess I liked the apple. I guess my pal, you know, I've been actually exposed to a lot of really, really nice fine dining restaurants, not fine dining, but like Michelin star, like really nice. Like my palate has changed so much since I was on tour. I'm like, this is sad. I can't enjoy like simple cup of apples. I'm like too sweet. It's crazy what it'll do to your spectrum. My spectrum is crazy. When you go have a truly crazy good meal. Oh yeah, and I have had quite a few incredible meal experiences that are just ethereal. And then to go back to Cracker Barrel, but with that harmony and memory of happiness,

I'm like, yay, it's going to be just as good as that Michelin star restaurant. And you're like, oh, the criteria has changed. I'm like, oh, you guys aren't even on the scale. This is a negative scale. Yeah. So now I want you to talk about the one other side that you got, but look, I don't like shits. It's well-documented in this show. He's not a fan.

Shits grosses me out. So you get one minute. I'm putting one minute on the clock, and then you get one minute on the clock. And then you get one minute on the clock. Look, I don't like s***. It's well documented in this show. He's not a fan. S*** grosses me out. So, you get one minute. I'm putting one minute on the clock, and that's how long you have to talk about the mac and s*** side that you ordered.

Three, two, one, go. All there is to say about it, it's a skip. How can you screw up macaroni and s***, honestly? It was so flavorless. It was so boring. There was no, I felt like I was just eating like mush. The texture was off. There was no s***y flavor.

It just tasted like a creamy noodle mess. It was so disappointing. It was so disappointing. As a matter of fact, the next day I went to work and we have a cafeteria and they were serving mac and s*** and I was like, please help remedy this situation. I had a scoop of macaroni from my work cafeteria and it was a thousand times better than Cracker Barrel. Like a thousand.

And I'm talking about like cafeteria food. It was a miss. 100%. I foolishly, just to slip this in there, also got a side of corn, which was, I got all yellow things. The corn, the mac, the apples, just all misses. And if you have to rate the macaroni and sh**? One. One out of ten?

I would give it a zero if I could. It was not good. All right, well that's one minute and not a ringing endorsement of the mac and sh**. And you did get the corn. Do you have a score for that? I mean, I guess I could give the corn like a five. Just average corn. It was no flavor, but it was just like, they probably just took frozen corn and steamed it. There was no flavor.

Yeah. It wasn't bad. It wasn't like burned. That's the theme of the whole meal. Medium. I don't know how they pulled it off with a loaded baked potato to make it. How did they screw that up? How did they screw up mac and s***s?

Yeah. Like a child could make mac and s***s. Yeah. Get the blue box. What are you guys doing? Just get me Kraft mac and s***s. I would have rather eat that 10,000 times over. Yeah.

That macaroni was not worth the calories. So let's take it up a notch and talk about our entrees. Ooh. So you got chicken fried chicken, or country fried chicken. That's right, chicken fried chicken. And I got the skillet sirloin steak sampler, which came with a sirloin steak and country fried shrimp.

Sounds good. So I'll start with my shrimp, then we'll talk about your chicken, then I'll talk about my steak. Sounds good. The country fried shrimp, these were really So I'll start with my shrimp, then we'll talk about your chicken, then I'll talk about my steak. Sounds good. The country fried shrimp, these were really small little scripts, little scripts.

Little guys. Not big enough to like matter. Like they didn't make an impression one way or another. It tasted like a topping. Like there's an Applebee's commercial where it's just like raining. Shrimp. Little scripts over a steak.

Yeah. It tasted like it was like, oh, this just goes on something. This doesn't deserve its own seat at the table yet. It's in like a little cup. It's like an afterthought. And it was like mushy inside. It's still a fried food and it still tasted like shrimp.

So it wasn't offensively. It was like offensively bad. Yeah. But mushy's not a good thing. I will say I had one of your shrimp and it was not mushy. Oh yeah? So you might've got a bad bite. Oh I had, I ate like.

Oh you had a few. Yeah. I had one that was like. I had probably four. It wasn't like a great old flavor explosion, but it was like crispy on the outside, shrimp on the inside. I was like, all right.

I went four out of 10. Yeah, I might give it a five, actually. Didn't impress me. No. But you got chicken fried chicken. Chicken fried chicken. Which basically means chicken fried in the way that you typically fry chicken.

Thank you, chicken fried chicken. It was one dish that I've probably had the most at Cracker Barrel. Yeah. And it was so disappointing. It just. What about it? Okay. It's like a fried chicken cutlet.

It's like a fried chicken cutlet or like a chicken breast that it should be like fried chicken. So it should be like crispy and like yummy. And it was just. Slathered in white gravy. So the gravy was flavorless. I can see specks that are maybe supposed to resemble pepper, but there's no flavor. It was just. Slathered in white gravy. So the gravy was flavorless. I can see specks that are maybe supposed to resemble pepper,

but there's no flavor. Spice. What is this, glue? It's just mush over the top. And then I will give the chicken, it was moist, so it wasn't dry, I will give it that, but it wasn't, I felt the skin, it was not, it was just mush.

It didn't feel like a crispy, like flavorful experience I had been dreaming about from past experiences. I guess I was just like, why? Did you wake up the morning before us going and you're just like, the day has arrived. Yes, every day I was like 16 days till Cracker Barrel. I was so-

You have a wall calendar was just like, you pull it off every day. With pieces of chicken, fried chicken. 15 days, 14 days, yeah. Yeah, I was so- You have a wall calendar with just like, you pull it off every day. With pieces of chicken fried chicken. 15 days, 14 days, yeah. Yeah, I was really excited. And I already knew what I was gonna get for like the longest time. Like my boyfriend's like, do you know what you're getting?

I'm like, of course I'm getting the apples. I'm getting chicken fried chicken. I'm getting mac and cheese. It's like, we know what we're getting. Yeah. And just every dish sort of was like, nah, no. You took a bite. What did you think?

So I didn't get something that was super gravy soaked. I tend to like, you know, I eat bread dry. I kind of like to divvy up. Yeah, flavors. I like to be in control. Yeah. I like to be in control of how much gravy is on my bite. And so I did get a little gravy, but it wasn't crazy.

My notes say the taste lacked depth and complexity, but it was fine as a basic chicken. Like fine. Just fine. I expected more from the gravy. That I agree, very bland. It was flavorless. I went six out of 10.

Wow, that was kind. I would order that over. What you got? Over what I got. And it wasn't even that, did you got? Over what I got. And it wasn't even that, did you have a score? A four. Yeah.

I think it just was. Low end of average. Low end of average. It was like heartbreaking. I'm like, how hard is it to make this crispy? You have a fryer right there. I'm not asking for you to do a deconstructed chicken fried chicken.

So it was a texture problem too. The texture and then it was just mediocre. I will say the chicken itself was pretty moist, like you said, pretty fine chicken, but it's just like, why? Why isn't it crispy? And why this mediocre, the gravy did nothing, nothing for it.

No legwork from the gravy. I'm like a spurned ex-girlfriend. I'm like two. You're like, whoa. Well, you kind of were, cause this whole experience is like you ran into your ex like 10 years later, and you're like, you're doing okay, and you can see that they don't have it together.

Like that's kind of the whole metaphor of how Cracker Barrel went for you. The whole thing, I'm like, what did I see in them? Why? It was so sad. Like I really like still held out hope. I'm like, it's gonna be good. It's gonna be good.

So my sirloin steak with garlic butter sauce, better than expected. When you're getting a steak from Cracker Barrel or from a chain that doesn't have steakhouse in the name, you're playing with fire. You definitely are. I was actually like, wow, he's brave. Here's the thing.

I so desperately wanted the chicken fried steak because I am convinced it's just a bad dish. I've had a few. One was abysmally bad at Denny's. Mistake, I know. Who's getting the chicken fried steak at Denny's? And then the other, Texas Roadhouse, who I thought would be a slam dunk on the chicken fried steak at Denny's. And then the other, Texas Roadhouse, who I thought would be a slam dunk

on the chicken fried steak, didn't like theirs. So I was just like, not impressed enough with Cracker Barrel to risk it. No. But I also feel like if there's anywhere to get chicken fried steak, it's Cracker Barrel. I kinda almost wanted to order it, just so you could try it.

But I was like, I gotta get my old classic. And I support that. Obviously, it. But I was like, I gotta get my old classic. And I support that. Obviously, if you're an enthusiast, get the thing. Like get the thing that I've had like 40 times. So the steak, better than expected. And I do wish that after having had this steak, I was like, I should have gotten it as the chicken fry. It might have been good.

It might have changed our minds if they got like the crispy. The gravy. But also the gravy could have been good. It might have changed our minds if they got like the crispy. But also the gravy could have been a deal breaker on that. That said, this isn't even close to being in the conversation for among the best steaks I've had in the show. Six out of 10 on the steak. Okay.

Respectable enough to be like, you know, I'm not gonna send it back. I'm not gonna go trash them on Yelp or anything like that. I'd give it like a 5.5. Definitely a little bit above average. Definitely better than I was expecting. And it was cooked to medium rare, like a true medium rare. Yeah, very middling food. But here's the thing. Even though my scores aren't like in the dumps, like it's a lot of in the middle. Yeah. It was still just, I felt negatively about it, which brings us to dessert.

Ugh. We got the peach cobbler, because they had a peach cobbler, they had a chocolate cake, and they had some third option. Oh, it was the biscuit beignets. The biscuit beignets, which we... Wildly started off with. Which we had.

So... Because they were listed in the appetizer section as well. It was like, for shares, and then it's like, also, this is our one of three dessert options. And Peach Cobbler just seems like the thing you get at a place with country store in the name. Definitely. But I am a chocolate cake guy over a Peach Cobbler guy.

Really? But the picture of the chocolate cake was just like, it looked like a square cut out of a sheet cake at an office birthday. Yeah, no. So. It's like, how do you screw up Peach Cobbler? This was barely cobb birthday. Yeah, no. It's like how do you screw a peach cobbler? This was barely cobbler.

Yeah. It was peaches with sugary crackers on top, or sugar cookies on top. Yeah, it was like they took a pie crust and rolled it out and just chopped it up. Yeah, like a sort of semi-sweet cracker chip thing that they just shoved on top as an afterthought. And there weren't enough of them.

No. For the peaches. Uh-uh. And yeah, they were like sugared saltines with ice cream and peach pie filling and bleh. It was bleh. It was fine. I would say it was better than the cornbread.

Yeah. It was. But that's not a high bar. No, there's not a lot of high bars happening in this episode. Sorry, guys. I mean, my heart has literally been stamped on. I've been trying to recover from this sadness. You've been just laying in a dark room.

I'm like, I remember when I loved you so much. It's over. Yeah, I'm sad. I had to call my parents and be like- You had to cope. I called home and I'm like, my love affair with Cracker Barrel's over. Because I would beg to go. Yeah.

And like any sense. Well is it an affair when it's in the swinging lifestyle? No. I don't think it's considered an affair. There's no rules, no rules. Yeah, so this peach cobbler I went four and a half out of 10. Yeah, it was not good.

Like your dessert should be your tasty treat. That should be your eight or nine out of 10. Yeah, it was not good. Like your dessert should be your tasty treat. That should be your eight or nine out of 10. A cobbler's not hard to make. No. It's not hard to make. And it was just like their take on the cobbler. We're like, we're going to reinvent it with these weird pie crust, like crispy cracker fan.

You know what? Hot take. I thought I liked the peaches better than the apples. Hot take. No, I definitely liked the apples more. The peaches had like an acidity to them that I wasn't on board with. Not sweet enough.

Oh. I'm like, acidity, okay. Yeah, a little tartness, okay, I like it. What do we have, different palates? Weird. Yeah, I actually liked the peaches okay. And the ice cream was fine. Yeah.

But together I was like, okay, yeah, I could kind of eat this, the crust I could leave behind. Sorry, did you give a score? Oh, geez. For the- I'm going 4.5 on the peach cobbler. So we're the same there then. Yeah, about a 4.5.

Definitely below average, like so easy to make good and just like, why? A dropped ball. Like how? So overall when you package all these foods together, it was just, it was disappointing. This wasn't the worst meal of my life. Same.

This wasn't medieval times spaghetti-o broth in a thermos as tomato soup. Oh. You know, this is a one thumb down food experience for me. It's not two, but it's not neutral. It's below neutral. It's below, I would have to agree on the one thumb down. Yeah, it was very disappointing.

I don't know what I expected, I guess I expected more, but even before we went, I told my mom I was going and she was like, I've had some of the worst meals of my life at Cracker Barrel. Really? Yeah, she's grossed out by the notion of us having gone to Cracker Barrel.

And then every experience you had with me, I'm like, I'm hyped as about. I love it. Yeah, Cracker Barrel. That's all the components. We gotta put all this together into a number. Number me. As we head into our final rating.

But before we do that, there's something I got to do. Now that I have a different guest each episode, there's a little something that I think is a necessary step to take. Okay. We need to take a little stop at the calibration station. Ooh. Calibration station. Comparing this needle to the best or the worst.

Calibration station. Chugga chugga chugga chugga choo choo. Look, I'm the one who has been to all of these places. You have not. Our scales are gonna be a little bit different. So before you give this thing a score, I just want you to spend 30 seconds real quick telling me what's the best meal you've ever had

and what's the worst, and not meal, you know. Dining experience. Dining experience. Eating out at a restaurant. Best and worst, just so we know where your zero and where your 10 is, then you're ready to give this score. Okay. Go.

Best dining experience, it's too many to choose from, but I was in Italy at the base of a volcano in Catania at the Binanti Winery, and I did six courses of food, six wine pairings with like immaculate perfect service. Everything came at the exact right time. Everything tasted incredible. Everything was paired mindfully.

What'd you eat? Oh, I had a new. Give me like just the best thing. One thing. I mean, I'll say the gnocco frito. Fried dough, shaved mortadella with a blanc de blanc. So sparkling with the fried, with like the shaved mortadella from Bologna in Italy.

Yeah. You're like, your heart, your mind is like, it was so good and it was just immaculate. It was like incredible service, beautiful atmosphere. Like that is amazing. And now give me the zero. You know, I really had to think about that. I don't put myself in a lot of zero experiences. I think the worst I could imagine

was the chilies at the airport, the chilies too, so TOO. And it was just the lettuce was brown. I was ignored. It was crowded. The table was dirty. The water probably tasted kind of off, kind of like dirty old water. The salad, it was like,

did they just take out of a bag and shove it onto this thing? It was just a bad experience. The service, they ignored me, and it was just like crowded and you're starving. And it's the nicest restaurant in whatever tiny airport. I'm like, ooh, I'm gonna sit down at a Chili's too, because I'm fancy.

No, bad. It was, of course, I still tip 20%, but I'm like a notorious over-tipper. Like, she could have got 40. Just try a little bit. She could have got 40%. My bank will always be like, hey, girl, did you mean to tip 40% at Jones? I'm like, do you even know me?

Yes, of course. Of course I did. All right. That's my zero. You're properly calibrated. It's time to go into our final rating. Final rating. All right. Well, we're putting this all into a score to throw it up on the tchotchke of mediocrity.

Jen, you're the guest. so I'm gonna go first. Okay. I don't think this was a great place to go, and I don't have the added bonus of nostalgia. Ha ha ha. So, I didn't get a lot out of it, other than a long drive and a bunch of food that I expected to be a little bit better.

I wasn't brave enough to try the chicken fried steak and that's on them. You know, if I had gone into an environment where I felt safe ordering a chicken fried steak, I would have, but I didn't. So, you know, an atmosphere that's constantly shilling, a service team that's constantly shilling. And yeah, I'm gonna go 4.53.

I'm below average, but again, I don't have nostalgia. So immediately after our meal, I came up with my rating and I think I was still writing a little nostalgia. Maybe I was still feeling happy about the country store and the rocking chair experience. I was a little bit, maybe I was still feeling happy about the country store and the rocking chair experience. I was a little bit out of it. I was just like, I don't know, 5.49. It wasn't quite a 5.5.

I was like, you know, for this type of a restaurant, I was like, I kind of take into consideration, like people were kind, service goes a long way. It wasn't the worst service I've had, although retelling the story, I'm like, it was a two. The service was horrible. If you actually listen back to every score I gave, it's probably a much lower rating

if we average all those scores out. But emotion plays into this. Emotion played into a big time. How you choose to weight the atmosphere over the service, over the food. So like these, this is not scientific. And nostalgia, I mean, I gave it probably still, even though I was broken by it,

and I've been thinking about it every day since, like, cracker barrel's dead to me. I still gave a 5.49, that was a really high score, actually. So that means, when we put our scores together and put cracker barrel up on the Chachki of Mediocrity, the score is a 5.0. No. One.

Oh! So close! Cracker Barrel is the new most mediocre restaurant in America. Wow! Cracker Barrel! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Better than mediocre! And now the geometric of mediocrity!

Yeah! Wow! I think a celebration is in order, Jen. I agree! Uh, yeah. Here we go. I'm headed to the C-R-A-C-K-E-R-B Southern flavors, done averagely From their mac and cheese to their mashed paties The barrel's just mid, don't come after me

I'll still go happily Take a look around the country store Pink flamingos for home decor Lawn gnome on the floor Candy not sold since 1934 Kid stuff round the corner A toy bow, an arrow, a pistol, and a hippo squish mallow Keep shoppin', they've got CD's, snacks, apparel Rockin' chairs on the porch, hold this

creaking cracker barrel Always far away, off the side of the road The CB lookin' like a southern storefront of old Eat till I explode, till I need a commode That's no problem now, going goblin mode Breakfast served all day, food is just okay It's mediocre, they know there's no need to play They scored a C not A, but the B can stay Five out of ten still means decent A, uh Sunday morning I'm reloading on Apple Cine

But her busy's happy with my decision I scope this menu for a minute Taking their shot at the middle, cracker B ain't missing Aim down the barrel, gunning past the competition Plop, plop, plop Gravy ploppingin' on chicken Country fried in a side of tots Come from the kitchen

Now assume the position Let go of inhibitions The safe word is peg game So just take it you sissy Oh, oh Put your butt through this You'll be blowin' some farts Michelin star

Places wouldn't do that, they're art Cracker Barrel only knows how to go real hard Just crack a window driving home in the car Home in the car Home in the car Home in the car One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 53, 54, 54, 55, 55, 55, 56, 56, 57, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, a 5.00 which means I gotta go somewhere next week. I gotta go to a different restaurant in search of the 5.00. And to do that, to find out where I'm gonna go, I'm gonna dig into the You Must bowl which will tell me where I must go. You got a lot in there. You ready? Yeah. Next week I will be eating at American Girl Boutique

and Bistro. Oh wow I have heard of that. Awesome. Well have fun. Thank you. Oh that was fun. Do you like watching people get their hearts slowly broken? Look, I love that we are even closer to finding the most mediocre restaurant in America. For a long time, it was Applebee's. Yeah, I'm an Applebee's lover too. For like the last 30 episodes. Wow. It has been Applebee's.

Wow. And it has been dethroned by Cracker Barrel. Amazing. And does nothing just feel any more right in the world than Cracker Barrel currently being the most mediocre restaurant in America. So mediocre. So it is better than mediocre,

but not better than an Applebee's. An Applebee's is one 100th better than a Cracker Barrel. And that feels like a correct assessment to me. That feels right. I mean, I remember my time. Listen, I'm always doing shows and just doing mediocre restaurants in small towns. And I did a lot of time in Applebee's.

Yeah, you've done time. I've done time. Applebee's does feel a little like a jail. I spent my birthday in an Applebee's. I spent three birthdays at Outback's. So I get it. Well, Jen, thank you so much for coming on the Fine Dining Podcast, Three birthdays at Outback. So I get it. Well, Jen, thank you so much for coming on the Fine Dining Podcast,

the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. I hope you had a good time. I had a great time. Or a mediocre time at least. I had definitely a 5.1 experience. Great, 5.01. 0.1, 100. We're 100.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 5.1, that's Olive Garden territory. Get out of here, Olive Garden. Yeah. We don't need you. So is there anything you wanna plug? Follow me on Instagram, guys. It's JenLiv, and I will post about upcoming shows,

comedy videos, music, and hope to see you guys there. And you can follow me at Fine Dining Podcast and Instagram and TikTok. You can interact with my clips. You can email me, finediningpodcast.gmail.com, your thoughts and prayers and your well wishes for, oh, I'm so sorry you ate at Cracker Barrel. But no, we are finding more and more mediocre restaurants

as the days go by. I do have a Patreon. There's a bonus episode every single month, and you get the extended full Yelp from Strangers segments there. And, uh, yeah, visit my website, fine dining podcast.com. We didn't find the most mediocre restaurant in America. The search does in fact continue. We'll see you next week.

Have a fine day! Mother rep and search continues, Raddison I-2's review. And hey, while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and make it five stars, huh? Come on. Follow us on TikTok, the same on Instagram, all the socials, at Find Dining Podcast. We have a website, finddiningpodcast.com.

Buy our t-shirts, then put them on. And don't forget, you can always suggest where we go next. OKAY! We're going to find it! Mediocrity! The search continues! See you next week! Cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough-PHAVE-PHAVE