Fine Dining - More Margarita Than Man at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

The boys found a Boomer utopia in restaurant form! The You-Must Bowl deems Garrett must embody the essence of Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville Garrett does a deep dive on the history of the franchise Cheeseburgers in Paradise aren't very good Michael tries to enforce a "No nudity, no touching" policy on Garrett An excerpt from a steamy romance novel authored by Jimmy Buffett JUB plans to make all public spaces a spoiler-free environment Strawberry Shortcake that is somehow neither strawberry nor shortcake Mason reviews the Margaritaville kids menu in this week's Munchkin Menu Musings Michael makes a rap in appreciation of a high-rolling top tier Patreon donor Voice Actor: Jessa Day Music by: James McEnelly (@Ramshackle_Music) Theme Song by: Kyle Schieffer (@JazzyJellyfish) We're on Patreon! Get an extra episode every month, extended Yelp from Strangers segments every other week, merch discounts, download access to our music including the 7 singles from our Olive Garden musical, and more! Patreon Producers: Sean Spademan & Sue Ornelas   Get our 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send us your Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville stories at [e-mail].   Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast   Let us know where we should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, PodcastAddict, Overcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. We read every one!   Next time on Fine Dining: Medieval Times! If you have ever worked for Medieval Times and have a story to share, send it to [e-mail].

Oh, how you doing, Garrett? I still feel like crap. You were wasting away in Margarit. Oh, well, you were attempting to waste away in Margarit, Abil. I didn't even get a buzz, but you know what I got? A hangover, which is such a wild thing that you got a hangover and threw up,

but never got buzz. Yeah, that, yeah, I just can't. Maybe you have to be born in like the 1950s through early 1960s to handle these type of drinks. That are you have to be young again, which I think you proved your age. Yeah. Anyways, we'll get into it. Welcome everyone to the fine dining podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. I am your host, Michael Ornellis, and I'm your host, Garrett's work. And this is the podcast where we're looking

for the most mediocre restaurant, a measuring stick, a bar, a point of reference when you're trying to figure out what is good, what is bad, you gotta know what's perfectly in the middle. So we're looking for that 5.00, currently, I've found it. I gave Applebee's a 5.00. But I went 5.04 on that. It's, you know, it's still the closest. It's still the closest. It's a two-man rating system. So we both got to agree. So Applebee's sitting at a 5.02. The search does

go on. And this week, we decided to go to Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville, a place where we've been before. Oh yeah, when we went to Sinabah. Yeah, it was the only table available. We kind of stole the outdoor patio of a Margaritaville table. And we had the most nightmarish music mashup possible. Yeah.

Oh God. Island Beats and Dubstep. Mm. What a great mix. So when we're rating these restaurants, we're trying to find what has the most mediocre atmosphere, service, and food. You gotta get all three of those things. So that's our gimmick. That's what we're out here trying to do. And I have a headache. Garrett has a big headache. We'll talk about that very shortly. Find dining party of two. Our table is ready, but real quick, we do have a Patreon.

We just put out an episode where we reviewed the entire food court that Garrett and I met in. We ate a different food item from every single restaurant in the food court. Here's some quick highlights from that episode. It seemed like you wanted to hurt yourself with what you got at old. Do we just want to come out and say it? Yeah, I got shelf stable, jarred hot dogs. You're a disgusting man.

You're like, I'm just gonna, I mean literally you're gonna raw dog it. Yeah, I did. It does eat raw dogs. The spice was the only thing that distracted me from eating what was potentially disaster sushi. Disaster sushi. We interrupt this broadcast to deliver some rather unfortunate news. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's fish. It's after sushi is upon us. Yeah. So I guess my intestines are fucked right now. Ha!

Ha! Ha! God, you look so awful. Ha! Ha! Ha! Keep this. Ha!

I will. Ha! So yeah, if you want some more awesome episodes, the party continues over at our Patreon. Fine dining party of two. Okay, okay, okay, yeah, we're coming, we're coming. Thank you. Your table is ready, follow me. Have you tried our chicken breast?

Serving pancakes and ribs, I recommend this spaghetti. We're here to serve, it saves Find not to impress Your table is ready Complementary butter and bread These walls have growth signs Knit, knack, cowboy hat For the cat, autograph guitar Some crap from your city

Behold the trusty of me, be up ready I'm dining Yes, fine dining Fine dining Two letters on the sign are shining Now I'm flick! I'm dining! Two letters on the sign are shining! You know I'm flickering a regular tiny! I identify the perfect vibe! How the 10th!

I'm dining! I'm dining! First impressions! We drove separately because... It's halfway between where we live. Do you want me to, well that's not why we drove separately. Oh no, that is between us. Oh, you were worried about multiple things. I basically said, no nudity, no touching in all caps.

And I had a, you must clean up your own vomit or pay to have it cleaned up if we drive together. And your response was, I'll drive separately. It was an unwillingness to commit to this promise. Oh no, because first you're like, if you touch my dick or I see yours, you're walking. Same with assholes. I'm like, okay, like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, all specific instead of throwing out a no nudity and no touching rule. To which I responded no nudity, no touching in all caps. Anyways, we drove separately.

Your girlfriend drove you so you did have a DD. Of all humans on this earth, she is the most experienced and knowledgeable of handling drunk me. Yeah. Margaritaville. I kept my clothes on. You kept your clothes on. You attempted to get drunk because of the you must bowl. And you failed miserably. You came out the gate, got two margaritas. We warned the waiter what was up. We warned him like like hey, he is trying to become margaritaville by the end of this he will be more margarita than man and that was a promise that you did not. No, I did not at all but hey, I still think I fully embodied the spirit of margaritaville by trying and failing to relive my younger glory.

and failing to relive my younger glory to Jesus. That is, you know what? I'm gonna give it to you. It counts. Yeah, good job. Thank you. I hadn't looked at it through that lens, but yeah, that was what we saw. We just saw a restaurant trying to be like,

this is kind of the last gasp of, not boomer culture, but I don't, I mean, how do you describe it? I don't know, textbook peaked in high school. Yeah. We've kind of already talked about our like first impressions of city walk, you know, it's kind of this grand, I guess like entertainment shopping center that's universal studios, gigantic neon signs

of all these brands and stuff. You know the gig, I walked by the very same synabon again. It's a giant King Kong statue, and then we get in front of the Margaritaville and It looks from the outside kind of unassuming. There aren't any real big signs about it I think that's thematically appropriate because when are you going to some beach side bar and you're like man This is a to-do. This is the biggest fancy beach side bar I've ever been at. But here's the thing, they're not imposing Margaritaville on those of us who are not interested in going to Margaritaville in the first place. But once you step through the doors, it is all Margaritavans.

It is large, margs, and in-char. There are surfboards, not just surfboards, surfboards with televisions in them. Oh yeah, they had teaky everything. They had a sky painted on the ceiling. The floor was blue water and like a map compass north of the Southwest on the top. It's five o'clock somewhere signs and like signs for breathe in, breathe out, move move on you had to be there chill

Rocking around the tropics like just like these sorts of signs We are the people our parents warned us about palm trees Just Jimmy Buffett song lyrics all over the place. There was a fire pit outside There was a giant blender. I didn't see the giant blender Wow, I just showed him a picture that booze in a blender this thing is there was a giant blender. I didn't see the giant blender. Oh wow. I just showed him a picture. Boos in a blender. This thing is eight feet tall.

It almost based on the way it looks. It looks like an interactable game. It looked like the ticket tornado but you die. For a piece. But you die because it's a blender. And just Jimmy Buffett music, non-stop, just fill in the air.

And this is all the first impression. I mean, it's kind of just a lot to take in, but you didn't have the time to take it in because we arrived five minutes to happy hour. Yeah, we walk in. The end of happy hour. We walk in the host is like, okay, so just to let you know, we minutes to happy hour. Yeah, we walk in. The end of happy hour. We walk in the host is like, okay, so just to let you know, we've changed happy hour. Now it ends at five.

You've got five minutes to order your drinks. Yeah. So you run to the table faster than I've ever seen you. And I am just walking around like a tourist. Yeah, you're taking the pictures. Yeah. You're taking the pictures. Yeah. You're taking the pictures. You're taking the pictures. Snapping pictures, getting the vibe, getting the ambiance.

And I finally walk up to the table, and it hits me that I'm wearing an old pair of flip flops, only to discover that they were really low on tread. And I was like slipping on everything. You saw me like ice skate on the hardwood floors. You would think I would have been the one having the problems balance here. Every step I took felt like a liability. You even promised the server you weren't gonna sue the place most likely. And then I walked it back and then I walked the back. Yeah and then we

sit down, we're looking around or taking in the atmosphere, but it's a lot of Jimmy Buffett and Before we talk about the atmosphere proper, we should learn a little bit about the history of Jimmy Buffett, the restaurant, all that So Garrett, have you prepared some rusty facts for us? I have prepared some rusty facts. Well, let's get into this week's rusty facts round up Okay, so we're not gonna do whips. That's right. My mom does not like the whipsound and Resty Facts Roundup. We gotta replace it with something appropriate

and on theme for the restaurant. So, I don't know, what are there? There's parrots. I could go for a parrot. Ah! Why don't we do not us as a parrot? I can find a parrot sound. Ha ha ha.

The whole thing that started off all of this was the hit song, Margaritaville. Makes sense. You'd think this was like a Florida Keys song, South Florida, the Caribbean, somewhere like that. Is it not? It is the most Florida vibe of an idea I could think of. Guess where this song was first conceived and the initial writing began. The Bahamas. Austin. My hometown.

Yes. I guess that makes sense. I feel like growing up in text-mex culture, I just margaritas were a way of life. I saw margaritas at every place I went. Yeah, that's literally what happened. Like Jimmy Buffett was on tour in Texas and one night he was dining at a place I went. Yeah, that's literally what happened. Like Jimmy Buffett was on tour in Texas, and one night he was dining at a local Mexican joint,

Long's Kocena del Sur. His Margarita didn't have a salted rim, and then that inspired the lost shaker of salt lying from the song. He was staying at a friend's house, he went back there, wrote a little bit more, and then he went back to Key West. And he was like, hey guys, I wrote something about you.

It's like when you try to take credit for a second hand, like he regifted Margarita Villas of Florida. Right, that's why you guys know. Where do you think the first Margarita Vill was? I want to say Florida, you're partially right. The first successful Margarita Vill location opened up in 1985 in Key West, Florida. Okay. But that was not the first one. So it was the first successful one. Yes. What's the but? Margaritaville has this dirty little secret. The first Margaritaville opened up as J.B.'s Margaritaville

in Gulfshore's Alabama in 1984, and it actually remained in business until 1988. The name would have just been Margaritaville, but guess what? That name was already taken by many other restaurants. Oh, by many other, like one-off mom and dad sort of things. So he had to attach the Jimmy Buffett's presentation to it. And he actually chose the Alabama location because he spent most of his childhood in southern Alabama. Okay, make sense. Eventually he becomes Florida man. Yeah. But he started up as Alabama man who will make you say true to any headline whatsoever. Yes. There are currently

28 Margaritaville's still in operation. How many in America? I don't know exactly, but it's about, I think about 20 of them are in America. Okay. A lot of them are just like, he has a converse or Mexico, right? Mexico. Yeah. And you'd think this type of business necessarily wouldn't have done well during the pandemic. I would think that, but also Florida gonna Florida. Yeah. And really, the pandemic didn't hurt them that much. Pre-pandemic, there were 31 restaurants post pandemic, just 28. Okay. So only three closures, that's not bad. They're holding on to their glory days. Yes. Much like you. I like all that. It came out of me. You tried. It exited my body. Yeah.

All of this is part of a much larger boozy boomer, that includes seven airport air margaritaville locations, 17 Land Shark Barren Grills. And now this Land Shark Barren Grill was a partnership that he created with Anheuser Bush in 2006. Okay. So he just makes his own beer. Jimmy Buffett does. Yes.

Also, he makes his own line of tequila. So this guy just, he loves booze him. Yeah, he loves boozee. Yeah, he loves boozing and partnering with people. Yeah. So he partnered with Seagram's Gin to make this. And Seagram's actually owned his record label at that time too, or the parent company. Yeah, yeah.

So that's probably how that happened. That's so weird. Ah! He also had a partnership with Outback. Ha, ha, ha. Wow, really going after what I love. Yeah. He created the Cheeseburger in Paradise chain.

That was without back. Yes. Interesting. Unfortunately, the last one closed in 2020. Huh. That's weird to me. I mean, we'll get into our food later, but if we're comparing Margaritaville burgers without back burgers, there's miles apart.

Yeah. As you can see, it's not just the burgers that make him money, though. There's more. So he has nine themed five o'clock somewhere hotel bars, 28 vacation slash resort properties in entire casino, three retirement communities. If that's funny, Yes, that's perfect. I mean, this felt like retirement community, the restaurant. Yes.

Also, you go along with the retirement community. What else do retirees love? Cruises. Cruises, okay? He also has his own cruise line. He also has a full-cloning line. What a tycoon. Yeah, just a margarita tycoon, a boozy tycoon.

He had all this together, as of just this year, according to Forbes, Jimmy Buffett has a net worth of over $1 billion. Really? He's a billionaire from this. Yeah, it's this giant empire. He joined a really fancy club. Uh-huh. The billionaires with the last name of Buffett Club. Oh yeah.

And Jimmy and Warren Buffett are actually friends, but they are not related at all. They actually took a DNA test. Wait, are we related? They are not related. Turns out making money isn't hereditary. Just inheriting it. Jimmy Buffett has also written three number one best-selling novels a Broadway musical and he's still done 40 plus tours and sold over 20 million albums stay in your lane novels

What are they about one of them's a memoir? I think another one's just about like business and I don't know if the third one's about Oh, man, but just like those and the third one's a five thriller. Yeah, I don't know Maybe it was like a steamy tropical romance novel. That'd be so funny. And now for a reading from serenading seduction, a tropical melody of love. The salty air tickled my sunburned nose as I stroked my guitar, building out tunes to a crowd of eager beachgoers.

The stage was my escape, where I could let loose and ride the wave of laughter and music. Amongst the sea of sunbaters my eyes locked onto hers. A vision and a vibrant bikini, she swayed her hips to the rhythm. Her coconut-scented hair bouncing with each step. She had a smile that could rival the sunshine itself. With every strum the temperature rose and not just because of the blazing sun. There was a sizzle between us in undeniable connection that made my fingers fumble on

the strings. It was like my heart had met its margarita-loving match. As the last chords echoed through the beach I hop hopped down from the stage, lured by her magnetic charm. We locked eyes, and the world melted away, leaving only us in the distant sound of seagulls arguing over it discarded hot dog. She sauntered toward me, her sun-kissed skin glistening with a sheen of SPF-50. Hey there, Jimmy Buffett! She paired her voice smoother than a sip of aged rum. Wanna take me on a wild journey to your margaritaville?

Where the cocktails flow freely and we dance until we forget how to chat ya? Well how could I resist such an offer? With a mischievous grin I took her hand leading her to a hidden beach cove, where the sand was as soft as a lovely parrot's feathers. The moon winked at us as it venue the mischief we were about to make. We settled into the sand, our toes are wriggling together like a pair of synchronized swimmers. The ocean laughed at the short, setting the mood with its rhythmic serenade. And there, under the starry canopy, we embarked on a passionate adventure that would make Hemingway blush.

Laughter intertwined with kisses as we reveled in the silliness and sensuality of the moment. Sand found its way into places sand should never be, but we didn't care. We were too busy losing ourselves in the delicious madness of this impromptu escapade. In that moment, time slowed down as if the universe itself was sipping piniacaladas and enjoying the show. We were the stars of our own romantic comedy complete with a love-struck ukulele player and a beach goddess with the deepest crow's feet you've ever seen. And as the dawn peeked over the horizon throwing its rosy glow upon our tangled bodies, we knew that this hilarious and steamy adventure was just the beginning.

With a renewed sense of joy we embraced the new day, ready to conquer the world and maybe even write a hit song or two about our unforgettable beach side rendezvous, I had found my lost shaker of salt. Let's go back in time a little bit before Jimmy Buffett was an absolute billionaire. Buffett has degree in journalism from the University of Southern Mississippi, and one of his early industry jobs was writing for Billboard. It was during this time that he fully realized how little musicians were paid and the necessity of income diversification. And he took this to heart.

In 1999, he started his own label, Male Boat Records. Since his own record, I have to ask M-A-I-L or M-A-L-E. This is an important distinction. M-A-I-L, man. Okay. You have like a mailboat. Just a bunch of, just a bunch of dudes. Shippin' Dale's dancers on a boat.

Just like, it's just like trolling through South Beach or just a bunch of guys. Yeah. Oh gosh. Yeah, he did this because he realized how much his record label was making per album sale. Yeah. Which obviously the label makes the majority of the money.

Right. He also started his own online radio station, radio Margaritaville, and a streaming platform, margaritaville.tv, that continuously plays his concert footage. Oh, I bet that's for the restaurants. So that's what they put on the TVs in there. Yeah, I bet that's what's going on in there.

Okay. Okay, I checked it out too. You actually have to create a sign up and log in to use the service, which I didn't know but basically a Jimmy Buffett specific Disney plus. Yeah That's so funny One last fun fact for you. Yeah, according to recent court documents Bankrupted Crypto behemoth FTX owes the marker read of Resort in the Bahamas almost $600,000.

According to the resort staff, FDX employees would return from the Bahamas office daily and throw wild parties and generally act as crypto-brows would. Oh, great. And they just didn't pay their tab, basically. I think that's the true embodiment of wasting away in Margaritaville. Yeah, I think so as well.

And that'll do it for this week's Resty Fact Roundup. Yeah! At this year. So there's obviously a lot that we saw on the way to the tables in the entrance way when you walk in. This is a kitschy paradise. Oh yeah! Oh, one thing we forgot about, there was a stage there. Yeah, like a big performance stage where

Jim almost wanted like Chuck E. Cheese, Ask animatronics, like a Chuck E. Cheeseburger in paradise or something. I like that. Yeah. And of course, Jimmy Buffett performed on that very stage during the opening of this restaurant. Yeah.

There's like a little pelican on the stage. You know, it's themed. Yeah. Properly got a nice blue light on it for mood and ambiance. There's a boat table. I loved the boat table right next to us. It's basically like the front of a motorboat kind of. Yeah, it looked like one of those like old tugboats

that you see in cartoons. And it's got the front of the boat goes out towards a point. order boat kind of, it looked like one of those like old tugboats that you see in cartoons. And it's got the front of the boat goes out towards a point, you know, boat shaped, right? And then the bow or the stern, the bow is the front. I didn't brush up on my boating terminology ahead of this podcast. Anyways, the front of this boat goes out to a point and then there's eight chairs for on each side. It's a cool little aesthetic for a table

And there are five to few of us to sit there and on the other side where like the actual storage of the boat Yeah, that'd be like just rows of oxygen tanks And I don't know if their prop oxygen tanks are real one I imagine for safety reasons they probably need to be fake But in my mind I'm like man if this place goes up and flames were done for. Maybe it was supposed to be like a scuba dive boat or something, but I can't imagine. Oh, that would make sense.

But I can't imagine they would have that many tanks displayed in that fashion. There were a bunch of signs for like different sections. There was a teaky dining section. There was a margaritaville store. You saw that. Oh, you made some people feel uncomfortable, didn't you? You know, there was a family dining on the other side of it.

And I poked my head around just to see like, is this an actual store? Is this a souvenir shop? Yeah, because it says that. And it's kind of at an angle to where we can't really see. And there, I did see a table, but I didn't know if, I mean, what a weird place to put a table in the store. Yeah, because they actually have Margaritaville stores, so it will only be logical for that to be a real store. So I poke my head around and this family just stares at me and I just awkwardly shuffle away in my bad,

tread sandals. And I feel like they thought I was giving them a dirty look just for being there. This felt like the inside of an island's maybe more successfully executed. Like this was island's meets rainforest cafe without animatronics. But it's got this overall just shade of sadness over everything. Just the big bar with a neon, it's five o'clock somewhere sign. Yeah, this is where dreams go to die Like this was how I summed it up the goal here was beach bum vibes

But the result felt more like too many chunky uncles and speedos lounging on myrtle beach They even had a couple of signs like myrtle beach that way this many miles New Orleans that way I'm like, okay, and you all know that like really tan guy, his stomach is just like touching his knees, but he's got a speedo on. Yeah. And then like the top half of it has a sunburn and the bottom is pasty one. Yeah. Yeah. It was... That's the target demographic. It is. Very clearly that.

There were some really cool little swordfish wooden beams overhead that were kind of carved into the shape of swordfish time flies when you're having rum that was a sign that I saw. God. But overall, I mean, like it just had a lot to offer. It even had like those little pots that have fire coming out of them like those iron pots, but they're party favors. So it's actually just a red light and paper

flapping on like a little fan. You know what I'm talking about? Like the little torch sconces that you see in Halloween stores. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I got a video. Nice. Fire hazard.

They're paper. It's paper and light. There's no actual fire there. That looks like fire. I know, it was, it looks really cool. It caught my eye when I went by it. And it was kind of a neat little addition, you know, clearly from like Halloween town or spirit Halloween or something like that. But it added something. Yeah, you noticed this.

I was too busy feeling like crap. You were too busy trying to figure out your happy hour order. Yeah. Which is kind of the other part of atmosphere we need to talk about. We have talked about it a little bit, but I want to get into it now. It is part of my atmosphere. Yeah, no, we can talk about it. You rate the stuff later, actually. So yeah, you'll rate the drinks later, but you just powering down the first two margaritas. I was like, okay, it's on. Yeah, I thought it was on too. They tasted okay. And then you ordered the super-fruity ones.

Yeah, and that was where it started going downhill. You ordered two more different margaritas and you only drank half of one of them in like a sip of the other. And the goal was for you to waste away. And apparently this was enough. Yeah, that was enough to make my body reject everything. Because, you know, we usually go into the bathroom

and check it out and write it. It was a pretty clean bathroom. It was a pretty clean bathroom. You excused yourself to go evacuate. Of the premises. Of the premises. What you had drank so far. And I was like, North or south and you went north

You didn't know but I followed you to the bathroom once you got in there and I got I mean This is art folks This is a piece of art. I got a video of Just a sign on the wall that says Margaritaville changes in latitude changes in in attitude. And the background music of this is just Jimmy Buffett music, go figure. And then I do that slow pan over and you see the first stall and you see some feet underneath it and you just hear wretching. And not a moment later, just out of the bottom of the stall, a little piece of toilet paper that Garrett breaks out for himself

as I then pan back to the sign. It could not have been more beautifully constructed if I tried. And you didn't even know this video existed until you got back to the seat. And I was like, so I followed you into there, and I filmed it. Well, when you think about it, I was the one that had the no touching rule, but you're the one that follows another man

into the bathroom. You know what? Checkmate, Garrett. So, yeah, you got pretty sick. Okay, I don't know how the past few days been. I still feel mildly crappy. I don't know what was wrong with this. Like, I didn't get buzzed.

But your hands just went right to sick. My hands were starting tingling. I was in a full sweat and I just felt like I needed to throw up. You were glistening. I was. I did not feel comfortable. I don't know if it was the sugar. Maybe I just can't drink alcohol anymore. Maybe I'm allergic to that. Maybe it's well tequila. I don't know. I didn't react well with my body.

No, it did not. And thanks for coming out to record today. I know. I know you said you've been spending the past couple days in darkness. Yes, I've literally been. The only light is either a computer screen or a TV, which, as they say, is healthy. Yeah. Now, when we got back to the table, I got scared because I sat down and then I moved my napkin and right underneath it is just Jimmy Buffett hanging out on a surfboard like staring at the camera

of the perspective of whoever's looking at it. And I'm just like, ah! Like, it took me off guard. I was just like, who's this man? Who's this man? Yeah. And he was staring at you. It was just like a mischievous look on his face too.

He was like, no, surprise, here's Jimmy. And then at the end of the table, there has what looks like a postcard-shaped picture of Jimmy Buffett, and then on the walls, there's pictures of Jimmy Buffett. But those ones are weird. Looks like a candid moment of him wiggling. It looked so forced like it looked like there's no way

someone naturally took that photo of him. Yeah. And it makes you a question, Garrett. What's going on over there? What's going on over there? What's going on over there? Should I wear it? Should I get it?

What is going on over there? Something looked off about it. What is going on over there, Garrett? I wonder if he called the paparazzi on himself. Yeah. Because he did kind of have that film grain to it to where it looked. Yeah, paparazzi asked like, oh gosh, we don't want him to notice we're here, like noticing him paddleboard or boarding.

Yeah, but clearly it was staged. Yeah, he had his nice watch on and I think he had to because he think he called his own Bob, or Otzi, that is for his own career because fun fact, Jimmy Buffett did not win any official music industry awards until the mid 2000s. I mean, he had to make his own record label. This might be like he had to make his own pop, or Otzi had to make up his own awards to give himself.

Jimmy Buffett is a success story made by himself, but not in the sense that he's self-made, but in the sense that he's like self-made, recognized. Yes, myself made up. Oh gosh. Can you imagine Garrett if we're like, hey, we're leaving the house, meet us in 20 minutes outside, we're wearing sweatpants,

you can write a tabloid headline about how trash we look. People actually do that, though. Do they really? Yes. That's so sad. There have been reality stars that literally draw up their own attention. Yeah.

If you're not even de-list, what are you going to do? I don't fault them for it. I would do the same thing if I had the opportunity. Gosh, when this podcast catches on like wildfire, you're gonna just do the dumbest publicity stunts for us. 100%. Yeah.

Shamelessly. Oh God, as sad as it is, I think we figured out what's going on over there. What's going on over there? Now, I also wanna talk about the music a little bit. It was all Jimmy Buffett, except, too, wasn't? Like, they gave you palette cleansers, like every like 30 minutes you'd get,

like, there was a song by No Doubt, there was a Shania Twain song, it just felt like, why? I mean, I didn't mind it, but it was just a weirdly like, off-themed thing. I wonder if there was like an employee in back who was like trying to get one over on management because it is literal torture having to listen to the same music again and again on repeat.

Well what's crazy is even when there were down moments because there were occasionally like a couple minutes without music, I could still hear steel drums in my mind. Like it definitely permeates your brain, the vibe of a Margaritaville. So at the very least, whether it's good, whether it's bad, it's effective. Yeah, it's like a tumor on the brain. Margaritaville, the atmosphere of a tumor. Oh, yeah, a a tumor. Oh, yeah. A tropical tumor.

Speaking of cancer, the table next to us, there was this man. He wouldn't shut up about the Mario movie. Yeah. He just kept going. And it was one of those things where it's like, holier than thou opinions and stuff like that. Just wouldn't stop and like, passionately, loudly, kind of talking spoilers.

He was exactly the type of guy that would give 0% on rotten tomatoes to any movie that has a female lead. Oh, woof. Yeah, I was definitely getting that vibe. And you could tell that like the other people at his table were kind of just tolerating him. Like, the faster we just say yeah, the faster this meal ends.

Although that didn't seem to be the case. No, he just kept going. It would be a thing where like we would have, I don't know, 10 minutes between us and then I would hear something from the table. I'd be like, oh, he's still just ranting about Mario. Yeah, I wish there was something we could do. There should be some people who are doing like spoilers in public.

It's like, is there someone out there that will help us out with this? And now a word from Mark totally not made up sponsor. Oh, hi there! To favorite sponsor, job, I'm back! You know the deal! Something relevant came up in the episode that pertains to the new business I'm doing What a happy accident spoiler alert. It's planned that way and speaking of spoilers That's my side hustle. I'm gonna make sure that no one around you spoils anything

Good job in America people have freedom of speech and they can talk about what they want Not if you're dining at chain restaurants and you're talking too loudly about the plot points of recent movies. Hell, even past movies! Let people move at their own pace. Hell, I'm still in 1998 on my journey to watch every movie ever. I'm going alphabetically but by year, so next up is you've got mail and what an antiquated concept. The people have had the courtesy not to spoil that for me and I'm gonna make sure no one spoils anything for you I bought some duct tape and a staple gun and I'll keep anyone quiet with just those two things

So if you want my services call me not on a phone Just embed your request for my services into the subtitles of the DVDs that I'm watching and I'll find you Anyways, I gotta go Tom Hanks is calling my name. We're best friends and he's gonna watch it with me. Okay, bye! We need to rate the atmosphere, but I have to give out not one, but two awards. Okay. Your drink count was way too little. This is...

Way too little. This is way too little. Yeah. Yeah. You wrote checks that your body could not cash. It was sad. You built yourself up as the stuff of legends. You were like, man, to get me even buzzed, it's gonna take like eight marks and like some shots. To be fair, it probably would have.

You puked after only two and a half. Yeah, your drink count Garrett was way too little. And in that same vein, my expectations of you were way too much. This is way too much. This is way too much. You were supposed to be making my life miserable. That was your intent, and I just made my own life miserable. Which I'm in a shodden for a day kind of way, a little bit glad for that. Yeah.

You did this to mess with me, and it only hurt you in the process. But my view of you going in, my expectations of you, the fact that I didn't experience nudity nor touching. You know, you just built it up, and it was in fact way too much. So you're saying you would prefer touching and nudity?

Nope, I would not. Oh, and the last thing, the last thing about this drunk-guarded event, not even drunk, but you just in pain, you just started doing the John Cena you can't see me for, I don't know why, but you just responded to everything I said with just that hand motion for a solid couple of minutes. And I don't know where it came from, but it was spicy. What that really meant was, stop talking. No, no, no, no, stop, just stop.

I'm not here. Imagine I'm invisible. Really, you can't see me. Yeah. I'm not here. Imagine I'm invisible. Really, you can't see me. Yeah. Overall, I thought this place was just a little bit sad, but a very well-executed sadness. It was. It was a well-executed sadness.

I'm still going one thumb up on the atmosphere. Maybe, I don't know, maybe it's one thumb down. It's certainly not neutral. Yeah, I will say a simultaneous one thumb up and one thumb down on the atmosphere of Margaritaville depending on your demeanor. Can I do that? That sounds like zero thumbs. You know what, I'm gonna go one thumb down.

The sadness outweighs the cohesion. Screw the cohesion, one thumb down. Now, I initially would go one thumb up on this, because as you said, everything's cohesive, they tried, they did a pretty good job. The effects are pretty good. Like the lighting in there, the prop work, it's good. But I just felt depressed. I'm not achieving my goals.

I'm never going to be able to relive things I used to enjoy. I'll never be a full man again. Like, I preferred Margaritaville when it was just this amorphous ball of sadness. I remember drunken family members going to and bringing home shot glasses from. I'm like, oh, you guys had a good time. You got drunk. That's fun. But going there and doing it yourself is a completely different experience.

Yeah. I embraced the sadness. I embraced my inner boomer. You successfully became Margarita Vuelo. I did, but I think the good and the bad really canceled themselves out on this. Zero thumbs. All right, that makes sense.

SIRVOR! Hey, our server was willing to go along with you, must-bowl this week. Well, I mean, we kinda warned him like, hey man, this is happening, so he's gonna be doing a lot of it. He did, I liked him. Interpersonally, I don't think he was the best waiter.

No, no, he was fun. I remember like after he brought the first two, he padded me on the back and he's like, good luck. Did he really? That's funny. Yeah, I felt like it was great that he kind of did that willing rush to get all our happy order. I feel like he was very present in the beginning because that included some of the appetizers

too, have off. Which weren't on the normal menu. So we actually got some exclusive items, I guess, that they don't have on the normal menu and you got your drinks. But yeah, I don't know. He just, he was very slow to check in or kind of do anything really.

Other people were the ones that brought out our food. So I just felt like he wasn't as present as I wanted him to be. But nice enough guy asked about the podcast afterwards because we did kind of lead with, hey, he's doing this, here's why he's doing this. You know, it's kind of like a lost bet sort of situation. And I didn't want him to be just blindsided.

Now again, my expectations were way too much. It ended up, you didn't need the disclaimer. No, but it's safe to put a light to do. I'm just going to go with flat zero thumbs. I don't have a lot to say. This is a very unmemorable situation in terms of service. I mean, which is what we want. If I'm actually drafting waiters for the most mediocre restaurant, this guy's up there. Yeah, for sure. All of our needs were met. Nothing bad happened.

And nothing great happened. Yeah, it was a really perfect, neutral experience. Yeah, so zero thumbs for me. Zero thumbs for me too. Munchkin menu musings. I named this face elastic, there's all hanging in the reveal of my kid, and he wrote a tiny box of margarita veil. He didn't have a kid, and I knew, but they gave me a color page from twinkler orange, I got a monkey orange. I didn't really like it, but it was boring.

I have to rely on the monkey. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't really like it. It's a little boring. I have to stop after all. It's going to be a little boring. I have to stop after all. It's going to be a little boring. I have to stop after all.

It's going to be a little boring. I have to stop after all. It's going to be a little boring. I have to stop after all. It's going to be a little boring. I have to stop after all. It's going to be a little boring. I have to stop after all. It's going to be a little boring. I have to stop after all. The top and the bottom and the bottom and the bottom and the bottom. Thank you. Food.

Yum! Okay, and so on to food and a rarely talked about thing for us is drinks. Yeah, then we start with drinks because again, you got three different margaritas, right? Yeah, three different ones, and you got four margaritas, but one was a duplicate. At first, I had two of the perfect margarita. And this is not your opinion of it. No, that was the name of it. That was the name of it.

Okay. And the sour mix journey begins here. It was half sour mix. It was just tart and sugar. Yeah. So I'll just give this a five out of 10. It tasted like a margarita, I guess. There was nothing spectacular other than just

the mediocrity flavor of a happy hour margarita. And this one was clear in color, right? Yes, this one was clear. Your next two were very colorful. Yes. So the next one was the last tango in Paris. It was a very opaque orange. Was it like strawberry-ish orange strawberry color? Yeah, it's made like a pinkish reddish. Yeah, orange somewhere in there. And again, overpowering sour mix. The flavor was okay. I could taste the mango.

Yeah. But speaking of the mango, the biggest thing that bugged me about this, the mango chunks got stuck in the straw. Oh, That's right. I remember looking into it and I was like, is that corn? I thought there were corn chunks in your drink. It was mango But they look like little corn grills. Yeah, if you're actually drunk, how are you gonna consume this drink? Yeah This is a six out of 10 for me. Now the last one. Coolest name Fins to the left. And this was a nice blue color.

It was a very pretty drink. And your face after your first sip was just a wince. Yeah, this was a literal glass full of sour mix and simple syrup. That's what I thought it was. You barely touched this one. I barely did it. Like, I had Aubrey take a sip of this

and like, this is normally her drink of choice. Like, I had Aubrey take a sip of this and like, this is normally her drink of choice. She goes for like margaritas and that sweet stuff. And even she thought it was too sour. Her reaction was exactly the same as mine. So when someone who chooses this drink willingly won't drink it, it's not a good drink. So this one is a two out of 10.

I don't drink alcohol, but for the first time in my life, I got a virgin version of an alcoholic drink. I got a virgin Bahama Mama, which you made the joke. Can it even be a mama if it's a virgin? Solid, yeah, solid point. I guess it could just be a Bahama Virgin.

I don't know. Nope, that's all the way that sounds. Let's start. It was delicious. It was like grenadine pineapple juice. It had some lime juice in it. I wanna say it in a little strawberry. I don't remember exactly what it all was more.

So there's probably some triple second there too, maybe in the alcoholic version. Yeah. Oh wait, yeah, you don't, that's not alcohol. Right. I'm thinking I'm like, okay, what's in this drink? But this was a tasty beverage, and you know, it was basically just a juice drink for me.

I'm going eight and a half out of 10 on the virgin Bahama Mama. Wow. I'm a Bahama daddy. Yeah. You are a Bahama father. You have a pineapple son. I think that's fitting.

Hey, that is true. You're right. How could I... How could I literally forget about my son? Yeah, how could you forget about your son? Were you just drinking your son? He tasted dil... Oh, anyways. So the appetizers we got from the Happy Hour menu that were exclusive to the Happy Hour menu we got fried pickles. Which, hooters was the first time in my life I willingly ate pickles. Because you're not a pickle boy, not a pickle boy. But I enjoyed the fried pickles at hooters. These were the best fried pickles I've ever had.

Now to be fair, out of two. But these were great. I'm gonna go eight and a half out of ten as well on these fried pickles. They came in like that little metal shaped fry basket thing that they had at Planet Hollywood. And then it had an avocado ranch that I ate that I also enjoyed. I thought it was solid with it, but these were an addictive little snack. Yeah. These were salty, structurally sound in the batter state attached. And they were more in the vein of like chip slash crisps.

Yeah. And yeah, eight and a half out of 10. These are just some of the best fried pickles I have ever had. I loved how they were just lightened. So they were among the best for you as well. And you've had a decent amount of it. There was no real grease to this. It was just, they were very light.

It's like they were air fried almost, but I'm sure they were deep fried. We're good. Excellent. And then we got maybe the laziest excuse for a slider we've ever had, which doesn't mean it wasn't good. No, but it wasn't a slider. Yeah, we got the mini-cuban sliders and it arrived as an entire sandwich cut in half. Yeah, it's just like, that's just a sandwich, dude. That's not a slider. Yeah, which is a full menu item actually as a sandwich. Yeah, it's like, hey, do you want this thing

or do you want this thing cut in half because of the two separate menu items? Yeah, one of them's double the price of the other but you get the same thing. It was pretty solid. I liked it. It didn't steal the show, but seven and a half out of 10 for me solidly good.

It was meaty. It was like black forest ham. It had a mustard on it. The bread was all right. The bread, it was soft and moist on the inside, but I liked that the exterior was still hardened crisp so it could stand up to the press. So Cuban sandwiches are always put in a press down once they're made. So it has that crispy top and bottom and it's a little thinner than a normal sandwich. Like the little pannini effect.

Yeah. And this was a really good smoky ham. I could taste the moho marinade in the pork, and this had the same tangy pickles from the fried pickles, but they were fresh. Yeah. I'm gonna give this a seven out of 10, but I would give this an eight out of 10

if it was accurately described on the menu. If we would have actually been given sliders eight out of 10, but not me. That's right. This is the thing where I think you dock points for weird reasons. I do, but I just the same item of food. It is, but if I'm ordering the same item of food, but you know what? I'm accusing you of something right now of just being weird, but when we get to the dessert, I'm also gonna have that issue,

so I'm gonna let it slider here. I see what you did there. Boomi out of the building. There's something really cute about bite-sized sliders. They just make me feel good, and we didn't get them. I know. Like we just got a sandwich, couldn't have. I would have liked to see.

Yeah, see? That's an enjoyment point. Okay, you know what? Point acknowledged and yielded. Yeah, yeah. We're gonna get into our entrees. Let's talk about the things that came with it real quick. You know, the fries and the onion rings.

These fries sucked. I thought these were bland. They were four out of 10 fries for me. Wow. They were bland. There was no taste really, but they were solidly crisp on the outside and soft and airy on the inside still.

So I feel like these were nothing but a vehicle for something else. They would have been great as like a base for a Lomo Salto, or another fun thing I just found out on the internet. It's called a Dublin Spice Bag. Why does this sound like a sex position? Oh no, well, it's just like a takeout bag of food.

It's got fries inside of it, like sliced up or like little deep fried chicken bowls, Asian spices, fried peppers and onions. Where do you get that? Chinese restaurants in Ireland. Okay. I haven't found one in LA yet. Okay.

And I've been looking around for this thing. Let me know if you found one. It sounds amazing. Yeah. All right, so what are you giving it? I have. So 5 in LA yet. Okay. I've been looking around for this thing. Let me know if you found one. It sounds amazing. Yeah. All right, so what are you giving it? I have. So 5.5 out of 10. I got distracted by the spice over average. Okay.

Yeah, just because I think structurally they were great. Yeah, they just, they didn't bring enough flavor to anything. They needed the salt and pepper, which I like a fry that doesn't need it. I will always add it, but I like a fry that doesn't need it. Now, I'll always try it before seasoning it myself. I agree. I would prefer to rate the food as it comes out to the table. Onion rings.

Um, alright, I guess we disagree here. I thought the batter on them was great. It just needed more onion, but the breading taste, I really enjoyed. These are not like top tier onion rings by any means, but I gave it a seven and a half out of 10. They're solidly good. You're right about like, it's structurally strong and is a firmly battered exterior and a tastily battered exterior, I would say.

It was okay. The tiny little wimpy onion didn't pull out when you bite. That's a positive. It was just way too greasy. It wasn't even juicy greasy. It was just tasted like old fryer grease and I can't get over that. It tasted like cheddar's.

Mm. So four out of 10. Look at us just going all over the place on these sides. But now the burgers, we both got burgers here because when you've got a place that has a song called Cheeseburger and Paradise, you're assuming they're putting some stock in the burgers. Yeah, that should be what they're known for.

Do you want to go first? Or do you want me to go first? I'll just go first on this. I got the cheddar barbecue burger. Yeah. Without cheddar cheese because we're not cheese boys. The bacon was extremely crunchy and overdone. It was hard.

Yeah. And the patty was also overcooked. It was a full out well done. Just dry. Yeah. And to be fair, I never specified another cooking temperature, but I was never asked. That's fair. Yeah. They probably just have one way they do it. Yeah. And they had a barbecue

mayo mix, which you initially thought was cheese. I did. Yeah. It came and it was drenched in yellow. So I didn't realize it was a barbecue mayo mix. I thought it was just barbecue. I was like, Oh, your thing has got melted cheese on it. And I didn't like this. Just give me barbecue sauce. Yeah. Or just give me mayo. What's in the name too? Yeah. It's a barbecue burger. Why are you giving me this extra flavor? Just give me the barbecue sauce. So overall, this was a crunchy burger, which is a very weird way to describe a burger. Yeah. So 5 out of 10 for the crunchy cheddar barbecue burger. Yeah. On my end, they did not crush it on the burger either. So, five out of 10 for the crunchy cheddar barbecue burger. Yeah. On my end, they did not crush it on the burger either.

So, I got the volcano burger. That sounded fun. What do you expect when you hear volcano garret? I don't know some spice. Yeah, you do. There were two miniature slices of jalapeno, mint like afterthoughts, like you had to find them. And one of them was like the tip, like the end piece

where it was just so little like actual content, it was not spicy at all. Two small slices of jalapeno, the way that I think it justified being a volcano burger was that everything erupted out of the burger as I ate it because it had guacamole and chili. Now they do have a volcano chili, like that's one of their soups. So they put some of the volcano chili in it. So it had like beans and like the, you know, the chili mix just fallen out of it. Like it, this thing had

out of it. Like, this thing had no structural integrity whatsoever. And the quality of the patty was like middle school cafeteria to me. It's like they cooked a burger an hour ago. And it's been sitting in like, you know, like the water, like the silver water's been. Oh, I know. I remember working in a cafeteria, I remember working in McDonald's and the bins they stored the meat in, these little pull out plastic trays with some soggy meat juice in the bottom. That's what it reminded me of. Oh, yeah.

The phrase cheeseburger in paradise, paradise makes a promise of you'll be in a nice environment, but that song title makes no promise about the quality of the burger itself. It does not imply that Jimmy Buffett is having a good cheeseburger in paradise, just that he is having a cheeseburger in paradise, three and a half out of ten. Wow. This is the worst burger I've had on this show.

Wow. Yes. Embarrassing. I didn't like get sick from it. It wasn't something where I couldn't finish it to me. That's like two and under But this was like bad enough for me to be like this is bad. I'll I will call it bad. I won't call it Terrible. I won't call it a nightmare, but it's not good and

Then dessert carrot. Oh dessert dessert was weird dessertert was weird. Dessert was so weird. They had three desserts on the menu. They had a brownie Sunday that they were out of, and that was like the number one thing Aubrey and I wanted. You were already in like, I'm sick. Go on without me mode. You were like a war movie guy on his, like he had just been shot.

Like I was Lieutenant Dan lying on the ground. No, leave me here, dammit. Dammit, gump. Yeah, so Aubrey was like, okay, I'll get the key lime pie and I was like, great, I will get the strawberry shortcake. I love strawberry shortcake, Garrett. Going back to Portillo's, I think their strawberry shortcake is one of the best things I've eaten on this podcast.

I gave it a 10 out of 10. I haven't given a lot of things 10 out of 10. But Portillo's I did. Portillo's one of our Patreon episodes, so if you want to check that out, go check that out. Blah, blah, blah, blah. This was neither strawberry nor shortcake. Yes, both of those elements were 100% missing oddly.

This was a lie of a dessert. So what we got was strawberry syrup on the bottom of a bowl plate with biscuits, breakfast biscuits, and dry ones at that. These weren't your light fluffy ones you get in the South. These were like overcooked biscuits, rock biscuits, with a layer, a scoop of strawberry flavored ice cream in the middle. Overly sweetened strawberry ice cream, so artificial.

And then another biscuit on top, and then whipped cream, which I enjoy whipped cream. Eating this thing was difficult because I literally had to jam a fork in underneath the biscuit and then spoon down to create any separation, unless I just wanted to eat ice creamy biscuits with my hand, which this isn't a hand dessert.

So it's not, it's not like a sandwich or anything like that. It's too far apart to be that. You've got a whole scoop of ice cream in there and it's a generous helping. But no strawberry, no shortcake, overcooked, like brown, not even like the light gold, like a brown biscuit, they looked exactly like the cheddar bay biscuits, but dark. Yeah, from Red Lobster.

Four out of ten on this dessert for me. Part of that is just because of the lie, but the texture was so bad on the biscuits and it just like the flavor was the only thing tolerable, but the textures of the entire presentation were not good. I didn't even like the flavor on it. I thought it was, I mean, I like sweet things, you know. I don't. I don't think I've had an ice cream that I hated. And like a biscuit is okay and I do love whipped cream. So, you know, it had some elements that I'm like, okay, I enjoy elements of this.

You know, if you have Hagen-Daz strawberry ice cream, that tastes creamy and soft and not like artificial sugar like this one did. Right. Yeah, no, I mean, this was not a strong performer in any aspect. Four out of 10, don't get it, don't bother. Yeah, I'm gonna go three out of 10. It was dry and hard.

Dry and hard are two things that should never be associated with strawberry shortcake. Or just most food. Yeah. Unless it's like a jaw breaker. Or like biscotti. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Like a nice crispy thing. All right, I'll give you that. This might have done better with biscotti than biscuits. Yeah. But just calling it a strawberry shortcake is a bald-faced lie. Yeah. It's hard, it's dry, and it's full of lies. The key limepie.

It was a more authentic tartness than I can pretty much ever get in Los Angeles. So it was closer to what you would actually get in South Florida. Yeah. That being said, if I got this exact pie in South Florida or the Caribbean, I'd be disappointed. Okay. But I'm gonna give this a seven out of 10.

All right. Simply because an LA seven out of 10 is a South Florida four out of 10. When it comes to Keyline Pots. Yes. Alright, overall on the food here, I thought that the fried pickles are carrying a lot of the weight. I did enjoy the onion rings, the desserts and the entree I just could not get into and

the little quote unquote slider. Tasty? Not enough to save this. I'm just gonna go zero thumbs. It is close to one thumb down. I will say it is closer on that spectrum of being negative than positive, but not strongly enough to give it a full thumb down.

Okay, yeah, I think that's where I stand. But rename that dessert. Yeah. Hard biscuits and ice cream. Yeah, exactly, you get it. Yeah. Ooh, hard biscuits and ice cream. Yeah, exactly. You get it. Yeah. Ooh, I will never order that.

Do you want hard biscuits? Overall, I think I had a maybe a slightly better experience with the food than you. Probably because I was concentrating on my physical pain. So I'm just gonna give this a neutral zero thumbs experience and call it a day. I made it out alive. I escaped the drinks. Okay. All right. Well, we got to take all of these points and put them together into a rating. Why don't we do that? Why don't we see what other people have rated strangers. Alright, it's time for this week's Yelp from Strangers, where we go to Yelp and pick out our favorite 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 star Yelp reviews, seeing what people had to say about

the very location of Margaritaville that we went to. 5 Star Review Garrett, I'm going to start it off with a 5 star review that is just full of opinions. From Javier A, two months ago, Margaritaville is a restaurant and bar chain inspired by the music and lifestyle of Jimmy Buffett. The concept of the chain is centered around a tropical laid-back atmosphere with a menu featuring a variety of tropical-themed cocktails and cuisine, including margaritas, seafood, and grilled items. Margaritaville also offers live music and entertainment, making it a popular destination for fans of Jimmy Buffett's music, and those looking for a fun, relaxed atmosphere. The chain has multiple locations throughout the United States and internationally.

Overall, Margaritaville is known for its lively and festive atmosphere, good food and drinks, and lively entertainment options. There were zero opinions of that. Okay, now it's either a wiki cop and paste. No, I think it's, I think someone went on to chat GPT and was like, what is Margaritaville? And then they copy-pasted the results into their Yelp review to take credit, I guess, for just letting people know what the place is. I wonder if it was, that was just someone's assistant leaving a Yelp review for them.

So, someone asked their assistant to leave a five-star Yelp review and they like sarcastically complied. One star review. Let's go to the other end of the spectrum. Uh-huh. One star. All right. Stanley P. He's an elite helper. 10 months ago, one star.

Jimmy nice try, but this place just wasn't it. Let me first start off by saying, how can you call yourself a Margaritaville when the Margaritas aren't it? Let me first start off by saying, how can you call yourself a Margaritaville when the Margaritas aren't good? At all! This place is mediocre. Well, yeah, I mean, not to be a stickler, but if he's going one star and calling it mediocre,

that defies our entire system. I know, I think he's wrong already. Yeah. I had the salmon definitely frozen, and that was flavorless. Where was the salt on this fish? LOL, seems like the margarita had all the salt because the thing was salty.

Usually a good decent spot will give me a small little buzz. This margarita was salt water. Oh, gross. Oh. I mean, it did have an ocean theme. So you would think that they're telling you the truth. Hey, you're gonna get some salt in your mouth. Ooh.

Kids menu chicken was hard as a rock. Like the biscuits. Like the biscuits. More like a choking hazard for your kids. Don't do that to your kids. This place is getting a one star for being the number one place to stay away from when you come to City Walk. Don't recommend. Amazing. One star, thanks

Stanley P for letting us know. Yeah, avoid this place and there are saltwater margaritas. And there are rock hard kids, man, you. If you'd like to hear the rest of our Yelp from Stranger's segment, go on over to our Patreon and we'll be posting all five of our favorite reviews there. You can find the link for that in the description of this episode or just go to patreon.com-findining-podcast. Here at Margaritaville deserves to go one place, on the Chachki of mediocrity. But something else needs to go up on the Chachki. We have our first Patreon Petron to subscribe at the $150 enshrined in mediocrity to your Garrett. I just want to say, hey man, nice face. Yes, because our word is our bond.

His face does get forever added to the chojki of mediocrity. Any of you can do this as well. You have pledged $150, you even do it once, your face is there forever. So, it's a fun deal. Hey, it's like pregnancy. Gareth, do the honors. Hey, Sean, I'm gonna take your face, put it right up here in the chaachki.

Now everyone can see your beaming, glowing eyes. And I feel like he's just watching us now. It's kind of disconcerting. And because I was bored and felt like it, here's a thank you rap about Sean Spademan our $150 patron forever enshrined in mediocrity philanthropy alert now I got to shout your name fam show appreciation for Sean Spade man Patreon donation making sure we're paid man give a hundred fifty printing pictures of your face man Thanks man put your visage up on the Chachki watch me rhyme about your generosity

Pins out of ink now that won't stop me from rap and gratitude about my man Sean Z empty at your pockets gonna make us break through you were gift you were treasurer if we had to rank you number one in our hearts Without further a do these fuzzy little boys want to say thank you Okay, now that that's over, we still gotta add Margaritaville to the Chachki. We gotta know, how does it stack up against all the other spots? I have a sneaking suspicion that this place

is gonna be pretty mediocre. You think so? Yeah. How mediocre? Okay, I'll start you off with some true mediocrity. Yeah, hit me. Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville is basically just a tropical applebees for boomers on vacation. The overall vibe says, we know you lost a hefty chunk of your retirement savings on poor

performing oil and gas stocks, but hey, you can get wasted and forget you have to be the guy that checks receipts at Costco to make ends meet. Whooo! Still, I'd rather down dollar eas at club Applebees than dine again at this paragon of American chain restaurant mexceptionalism. Poof. Uh huh.

Five. Oh, point. Yeah. Zero. Okay, we're getting cl- Oh, hold on. And it's worse than Applebees. Yes.

We gave a five point zero. Four to, again. what's that last digit? Five. Uh-huh. Zero. Yes. One. Wow.

So not perfectly mediocre. Not perfectly mediocre. It could be, there could be a place, a Scoshmore mediocre. I gave Denny's a 5.020, and I'd ever so slightly rather have that Denny's experience than this one over this Wow Well Garrett I Did not feel as positive about this place as you did so I am under a 5.01 But I'm not that close

Sorry to kill the suspense, but my rating you know I went in a ethereal one thumb up and down simultaneously on atmosphere, but down, trodingers thumb. It gave a trodinger's thumbs up to atmosphere. I gave no thumbs on service, and I gave an angry no thumbs on food skewing towards one thumb down. Just, okay, the one thing I have to say is, when we walk into a restaurant,

you kind of get a score in mind. I mean, you don't know everything that's coming, right? You don't know what the service is gonna be. You haven't tasted the food yet, but you walk in and it sets an expectation. I walked into here and I felt rainforest cafe-esque. It was cohesion. They're theming.

They put a really strong foot forward right away. They're like, okay, you're gonna have a good time here. Yeah. And then as the sun started to set and the lighting got dimmer and you started wretching, throwing up, and I was like, you know what? That feels right. This is the most I've ever had a restaurant fall from my expectation walking in to what I walked away with, because I was thinking this place could be over eight, and this place

wasn't even over five. I'm giving Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville a 4.53. Wow. Yeah, I don't know, just it wasn't great. No, it wasn't. It was not. And that means it goes up on the Chachki at a 4.77. Wow. Which is safely mediocre. And that means it goes up on the Chachki at a 4.77.

Wow. Which is safely mediocre. It's okay, but also by our definition, with that litmus test as of now being Applebee's, it doesn't pass the Applebee's test. It's a bad restaurant. Yes. Which means we gotta keep looking

because the Applebee's test, it's a solid test, but it's not perfect. No, it isn't. It's not finely tuned to be a 5.00. Yeah, it was for me. No, it is not a scientific measurement at all. No, we need something else to be that perfect calibration. We need something else to be a 5.00.

This wasn't it. So we got to play a game to figure out where are we going to go next. What big chain restaurant are we going to experience next time? And we got to play the game, Garrett, we got to play the headline game. The rules of the headline game are as follows. Garrett will present three headlines to Michael that include this week's restaurant. They can be made up, or they can be actual headlines. If Michael can correctly guess, if at least two out of three are real or fake,

he will get to select next week's restaurant. However, if Garrett stumps him, he'll select again. Are you ready to play, fellas? I'm ready. Garrett, are you ready? Oh, I'm ready. You're gonna love these ones How many of these have the word infestation in them because I've noticed a trend about you One of them has the word infestation involved. Oh God. All right. Okay first headline Neighbors blame Margaritaville resortort Construction for Rat Investation. I mean, that's just such a leap to blame construction somewhere else for your rat

infestation, so I just don't buy it logically, so I'm gonna say it's false. Okay. Next one. Before I read the headline, the term parrot head is a fan of Jimmy Buffett. Parrot head, okay. When parrot heads attack, exile in Margaritaville.

Pfft. Pfft. I'll say true. Now the last one. Brawling away in Margaritaville, fight at restaurant since guests scurrying. The other question I was gonna ask is how many have the word brawl in them.

And every, Garrett, I can't, I can't play this game against you. Because just because you love these words doesn't really mean anything as to whether they're true or false. Exactly. Every headline is a true 50-50. Ugh. I'll say true because I just don't think a reporter can pass on that opportunity to make a pun with blanking away in Margarita though.

I couldn't either. Yeah. Okay, so the first one, neighbors blame Margaritaville Resort construction for rat infestation. You guessed false, that is true. Mm. Of course, random condo owners in Florida are going to complain about the construction next door.

I don't like this. Now the next one, when Parrot heads attack, exile in Margaritaville, you said true, that is true. Okay, one in one, I'm still in it. You are now the last one, brawling away in Margaritaville. You said true, that is true. Okay, one in one. I'm still in it. You are. Now the last one. Brawl in a Wayne Margaritaville. Fight at restaurant, send guests, scurrying. You said true, and that is indeed true.

Did I win? You got to win, finally. Oh my god, I feel, I mean like, I won somewhat recently, but I still feel like just the vast trend of these. Yeah, like in the beginning, I couldn't win and then lately though. Ooh, that was, you know, set me off to a nervous start with that first wrong guess. Yeah, but you just, one thing, you know, with a headline game with me, you're gonna get an infestation, you're gonna get a brawl.

And you're probably gonna get someone arrested. Great. You know, for our next pick, let's kind of go with a brawl, not in the traditional sense, actually in an overly traditional sense. I want to see some combat while we dine. Okay. And we've already done waffle house. Yeah.

But I also want a place that is very themed. I want a place that knows what it is and commits to it. Garrett, for our 30th restaurant, I want to go to Medieval Times. Yes, that's awesome. Just a dinner show, jousting, horses, the works. The Teethful Times. I haven't been there in, I feel like 15, 20 years. So jousting horses, the works, the evil times. I haven't been there in,

maybe like 15, 20 years. I went six years ago, and it was kind of the first time I remember meeting Emma, my cousin who we took to Chuck E. Cheese. She was like seven years old at the time and did not say a word the entire time. It was so weird given that now she just won't shut up. And by if you're listening, shout out Mr. Worldwide with laugh. Awesome.

So I hope you're excited. We're going to get a big group together. I'm going to call some people up and we're going to squat down a group at medieval times. I'm gonna call some people up and we're gonna squat down a group at medieval times. I wonder if they still have the giant turkey legs. So you just, it's a leg on the bone and you eat it, they don't have silverware. We'll find out. In the meantime, follow us on social media at Find Dining Podcast on Instagram and on TikTok. Send us an email, find Dining Podcast at gmail.com send us artwork any you must pull we actually got some artwork yes we did we got the milky water from Applebee's unlike a carton the skimmy milk ever thank you Logan for that

for sending that in that was awesome oh we've been getting some suggestions too we have been getting some suggestions for the you must pull. So if you have anything that you want to see us do at restaurants for failing to pick something mediocre enough, that can be fun. Just anything that messes with other people, but you're welcome to mess with us all you want. And of course, support us on Patreon. Yes. We're really proud of those episodes. They're very fun. I loved the Portillo's episode that we did. You got ripped. really proud of those episodes. They're very fun. I loved the Portillo's episode that we did.

You got ripped. Yes, my opinion on Chicago style hot dogs is not the majority opinion. Yeah, no, Alex Borstein had something to say about that. She did. And this month, you can hear us review the food court in which we met the food court that was the origin of our relationship.

Garrett, we're going to review one item from each of the places in that food court. Thanks so much, everyone for listening. We really appreciate you. We did not find the most mediocre restaurant. The search does in fact continue. We'll see you next time. Have a fine day. The search continues.

We still need the perfect five. Have a fine day! The mother and the search continues Rattles and I do's review And hey, while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and make it five stars? I'm gonna... Follow us on TikTok The same on Instagram All the socials At Find Dining Podcast And don't forget, you can always suggest where we go next. Okay! We're going to find it, media crafting. The search continues. See you next week!

Sweet! I heard my throat a little. Have a fine day!