Fitzdog Radio - David Feldman - Episode 1035

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

The Emmy Award winning controversial and irascible David Feldman brings me to tears as always. A great way to close out the year.

Welcome to FitzDog Radio. This is your intrepid host. Happy holidays. I hope you guys had a nice Christmas. If you're Jewish, I hope you had a nice Hanukkah. If you're atheist, Atheist, hey, how you doing, Atheist? Christmas is over here, and we're getting ready to head out to Joshua Tree, which is about two hours out into the desert. We rented a house with a ping pong table, a pool table, a bocce court hot tub and we're with my wife's family her brother and and sister-in-law fluent from south africa nephew fluent from england other nephew fluent from new york mother fluent from new york so we're uh nine of us sleeping in the house for about 10 days and having a blast. Just great outdoorsy people, having fun, a lot of farting, a lot of bathroom use.

And my nephew is here. My nephew, who I've talked about, he was a bud, which is a Navy SEAL trainee, and got very close to getting into the SEALs. Very tough guy, does MMA and all that. And he's about 29 now. And my whole running joke is that I feel bad and I always apologize to him that I never molested him because that would have given him a more interesting life, would have given him a little bit of an edge. So I kind of hit on him. And that's the running. Is that appropriate to even talk about? Anyway, I'm going to do a very short intro because we're literally walking out the door.

But I wanted to get to this amazing conversation with David Feldman. Feldman is one of the best. I know I said that about a lot of guests, but Feldman is truly just a purely funny human being. And we had a great talk last week. This is the conversation. I got some stand-up dates coming up. Milwaukee Improv, December 29th through the 31st. New Year's Eve, come on out. Den Theater in Chicago, January 13th. This is a great, it's going to sell out, so get your tickets now. Atlanta Punchline, January 18th through 20th. Portland Helium Comedy Club, February 22th 22 through 24. Then I'm coming to La Jolla and Tampa. Get your tickets at FitzDawg.com. Also, don't forget, follow me on Instagram. I'm at

99,300 right now. Trying to get over to 100,000 by the new year. So take the time, just right now, pause it, open up your Instagram, follow me. Really appreciate it. Also, the beer koozies are still available. If you go to the FitzDog site, you can get the Sunday Papers beer koozie. Also want to tell you, if you want to go see live music, sports, theater,

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which is a pretty groundbreaking concept, which is that you don't have to wait in traffic to go to therapy. You can do it from anywhere. There's a lot of gift-giving during the holiday season. Do you focus on that or enjoying time together? There's a lot of distractions during the holidays. You can focus on the relative who everybody's bothered by, or you can flow past that. And doing that kind of stuff takes therapy sometimes. There's just, I've benefited from it for years.

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash FitzDawg. All right. My guest today is a graduate of Columbia University. He started out in San Francisco doing comedy. He did a lot of shows on Conan O'Brien, Tonight Show, Late Late Show. He's won three Primetime Emmy Awards, four Writers Guild Awards, Cable Ace Award,

wrote for the Academy Awards, the Emmys, writes for Triumph, The Insult, Comic Dog. He writes for The Roast on Comedy Central, wrote on Roseanne, Dennis Miller Live, Bill Maher, Daily Show with Jon Stewart. It's unbelievable. He's a very accomplished writer, but also just one of those comics, every comic sits in the room and watches. So here he is. Enjoy my conversation with the lovely Jewish David Feldman.

On the podcast now is a man who should be on the podcast every week. If I lived in new york i honestly think we would have to do something together this guy is absolutely one of my favorite people in the world i have more respect for him for being an independent voice uh i hate when people say brave that's so gay but not a lot of comics will say what they think and be as funny when they do it. Dave Feldman, welcome to the show. Thank you. Thank you so much. Privileged to be here.

Thank you. Oh, don't be sanctimonious. I mean, we're eight seconds in and you haven't insulted me yet. What's going on? I don't insult people. No. I mean, we're eight seconds in and you haven't insulted me yet with what's going on. I don't insult people. Or at least when I insult you, you won't know that I'm insulting you.

I'll be doing it at such a low brow. To me, that is the greatest crowd work. And the only acceptable crowd work is when the victim has no idea that you're shitting on them but the entire crowd does yes yeah yeah that's elegance it's good to see i haven't talked to you since my mother died oh jesus wow well how long ago was that uh this morning was it This morning. Was it parachuting? Yeah. Yeah. I would get on top. She never wanted a parachute by herself. I would ride her back.

And it turns out I was on top of her parachute. Right, right. So I held on to her all the way down and she it was a soft cushiony landing she didn't make it i did and i in the jewish religion you bury them the next day so right right but she was already half buried i would imagine you just had to throw the dirt on top yeah that was that was nice unfortunately it was a a gentile uh part of the the cemetery but i'm doing the show and then i'm gonna go back and gather her gather her up and put her in the right places,

try to put her back together. And has she left you anything in the will? Unbelievable how much. Really? Oh, my God. I never have to work again. It's unbelievable. Now, wait a minute.

Your mom really did die? This morning, yes. Now, when did your mom die why you think i would lie to you about something this is how you are to me i'm in but i'm still doing the show see i don't know when to take you seriously no no she died about uh a year and a half ago a year and no i've talked to you in a year and a half haven't i i think i last time i did, yeah, about that time. I think it's been, yeah, I kind of slowed down after.

Was there any tension with the will, with the estate? You have, you have siblings. Was there any resentment? We're still fighting. We were talking, my mother was an oil heiress and we're fighting. It was so much, so much money that it's just. What will you do with your share? Oh, I don't know. Probably buy Jeffrey Epstein's Island.

I mean, there's just so much. Yeah. And just lower the age. Those women were getting a little long in the tooth. Some of them were like 15. I mean, is this an amusement park or is this an old age home here? I mean, is this an amusement park or is this an old age home here? I couldn't agree with you more. Who has hurt the Jewish people more?

I'm going to list five names and you tell me who's hurt the Jewish people more. Me. Besides you. Jeffrey Epstein. Madoff. people more me me uh besides you jeffrey epstein made off um trying to turn on my anti-semitic brain and think harvey weinstein harvey weinstein the roth the rothschilds right or benjamin netanyahu or benjamin netanyahu or hitler i would say hitler's i gotta put him up top yeah he's hurt the jews the most i think which is why i uh converted on october 8th i'm no longer really yeah no seriously i just said you know what this isn't working for me it's too dangerous yeah who needs it all right what am i getting out of this yeah i didn't choose to be jewish i was born into this

religion and i'm done with it because it's a pain in the ass so i've changed my last name what is your new last name well i wanted to honor my parents and my grandparents last name well i wanted to honor my parents and my grandparents uh so i shortened feldman to i'm david now i just circumcised the entire name and i'm just david i think d i think pho might be a k sushi dish, isn't it? Isn't it some kind of oriental cup of raw fish, pho? Maybe. Some people think I'm Korean, which is better. Well, they say the Koreans are the Jews of Asia, and I'm not making that up.

They're like the hardest working. They're very family oriented. You know, they're the most disliked in Asia. They're looked down upon. And aren't there Koreans who are named Jew? Isn't J.U. like a Korean name? I'd have to check with Bobby Lee. OK. Yeah. Is he Korean? Yeah, he is Korean.

I call him different Asian races each time I see him. And he seems to really get pissed off. Like, not kiddingly, he gets pissed off. And the amazing thing is Andrew Santino does a podcast with him. And Andrew does his mother's Asian voice. And it's pretty amazing because like you, you can't do that. You can do a what's the matter for you or a I'm going down to the bar like you. You can do any fucking accent, but not Asian.

Why is that, David Feldman? If you're Asian, you can do any fucking accent, but not Asian. Why is that, David Feldman? If you're Asian, you can do it. If you're Asian, you have no choice. Right. Yeah. In other words, if you imitate an Asian, it's considered... Taboo. It's considered offensive.

So why aren't we doing it right now? I... I... I will say this. I won't do the accent, but I will say this. Their music is the worst in the world. There is nothing worse than What about the boy bands that you and i jack off to all the time k-pop remember on the road you and i just on a couch with the music off the sounds off you use my hand i use your hand and it's not gay because we're it's not gay because we're we're we're wearing firm mittens on our hands so there's no contact you know we're... It's not gay because we're wearing fur mittens on our hands,

so there's no contact. We're not looking at each other. We're looking at the video screen. We're looking at the TV screen where the young Asian boys, who are hairless, by the way. I mean, I've looked really close. I don't see any hair.

No. Like with a jeweler's loop, I would watch you bend over the screen looking for any sign of hair on these boy band singers. And then we'd sit on the couch waiting for the show to go. And I'd say, can you lend me a hand? And you'd reach over and we'd watch the boy bands all day. I remember we said it's called K-pop because it stands for Kleenex and then popping. Popping into a Kleenex. And who are we hurting other than the cleaning lady who we accidentally slaughtered when she walked in on us? We did have to slaughter her.

We did have to slaughter her. We did have to slaughter her. But who are we hurting other than people who just open hotel room doors without knocking? Well, it's, you know, it's our fault. We unlocked that door that opens to the room next door. And I think when they heard the loud Korean pop music, they were curious, you know. And they had to die. It's so's so sad yeah but who are we hurting really i don't think we're hurting anybody how many in the course of a year on the road how many killing sprees do you go on to let off steam it it depends like um usually I'll wait till Friday night because then I've realized that my ticket sales are low and that I'm not as funny as I thought it was. And then I will just slip into the darkness and I'll take one human life.

And and somehow the next night I fucking kill like I destroy on stage. I have to kill to kill. See, that's the difference between you and me i i to me if i kill before i go on stage i kind of feel spent yeah i'm not hungry uh-huh if i'm on stage and i know afterwards i'm gonna kill somebody then it's like there's a treat waiting for me. Do you assess the crowd? Do you maybe pick a heckler and kill them? Or does it feel sweeter when it's a pure, innocent life? I'm not judgmental.

Yeah. I don't like to judge my victims. I think they're all equal. Yeah. I don't single anybody out because of their race, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, religion. I believe all people deserve to be killed. I do. It actually shows how open-minded you really are very open-minded yes so unjudgmental and when i am when i am murdering i see one color red red hot rage it doesn't matter who you are. Now, does that help when you, when it's an indigenous person

seeing red? Does that make it easier? Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to go there. What holidays, what holidays, what holidays do you kill most on? Well, before I changed my last name to F, I would go with, when I was Jewish, most of our killings were done on Christmas Eve. The well poisoning was always done on Christmas Eve with my father and grandfather poisoning the wells and draining training the christian babies wearing their faces

do you to get the blood out do you poke them with your horns i use a crazy straw i find the kids if you're going to keep the kid alive a crazy straw. I find the kids, if you're going to keep the kid alive, a crazy straw is more amusing. I don't know my, you know what, let's change this. I don't want to talk about religion. You know, whenever I talk about religion on the show, I get into trouble. So let's not talk. People, for some reason, people get all offended when religion comes up. Isn't that funny? Because again, you don't see religion.

When you hear Bill Maher bash the Muslims, what's your take on that? Because he seems to really be worked up about it. Open-minded and relevant and not old and still hungry and speaking for the common man, not too rich. Is that what you're saying about Bill? Really in touch? I don't know what to think until I watch real time with Bill Maher.

Do you watch it? I watch him. You mentioned religiously. I watch it religiously. And by that, I mean a priest molests me while I'm watching Bill Maher. I don't know what to think until I hear Bill Maher's fresh hot take. And the crazy thing is, you wrote for the show. I wrote for the show very briefly back when it was in New York, when it was, what was it called, politically incorrect.

Back when he was just a fascist. uh what was it called politically incorrect um he was just a fascist well i mean people like to use the word um uh i'm a uh libertarian libertarian has been kind of a cloak a lot of racists put on themselves yes do you agree absolutely or just a fat a fascist. I don't believe in government unless it's just the military ruling your life. Their only role of government should be keeping us safe. I believe in small government except for just government controlling every part of our life, like the military and the police. Yeah, that's the libertarians. Yeah, libertarian is code for I'm a fascist. Yeah, yeah.

They're tough. They like to be tough. There's like this kind of macho persona that goes with being a libertarian. But there's been good libertarians, right? I mean, some candidates over the years that were libertarian, I like. Drew Carey.

Drew Carey's a good libertarian. Is he? He's a libertarian. Oh, I didn't know that. But he served our country. Yeah, yeah. And by that, I mean, he hosts The Price is Right. And thank you for your,

that's the ultimate sacrifice that Drew has made. Somebody has to host the price is right and no i think didn't drew serve in the military uh i think he didn't go to jail oh no that was tim allen um i think drew carrie see that yeah he used to have a he had the haircut so it's entirely possible pretty guys once you serve in the military they keep that fucking haircut don't they they keep they keep the benefits they keep the uh discounts at the uh the px yeah yeah and they keep the haircut i'm not gonna i'm not gonna let's not go after the military there was a guy in the military the other night and uh he was very nice and he told me a lot and uh i didn't thank him for his service

and then about 10 minutes later i was talking to a woman in the front row who had uh who was a waitress and i said thank you for your service and the crowd the crowd laughed for no less than 15 minutes. Yeah. You know, since my divorce, I was involved with a woman in the military, and she died serving our country. Oh, that's nice. Ashley Babbitt. Do you know who Ashley Babbitt is?

No. Who's that? Was that a reference I should have gotten? She was one of the heroes of January 6th. She was one of the veterans who tried to crawl through a window. And apparently the Capitol Police weren't in the mood to watch Nancy Pelosi hanging from a noose, so they fired a shot. And I was also in Ashley Babbitt's will. So between my mother and the Ashley Babbitt estate, I'm doing pretty well.

Right. So you've got a few tough days. You've got the day you met. You have to celebrate that. The day she died. The day you met Ashley Babbitt. Yeah. And then you've got January 6th. How do you generally celebrate January 6th? I mean, I know there's only been one, but how will you celebrate it next month?

Now, what was January 6th again? It was Groundhog Day. Did they fly the planes into the... What is January 6th again? It was Groundhog Day. Did they fly the planes into the... What is January 6th again? When did the Japanese attack? I know I should remember these things. January 6th is when the tourists walk through the Capitol. Yeah, they just wanted to look around.

That's it. Yeah, they just wanted they just wanted in Statuary Hall deserves some credit. Could you, like, when I found out that they were smearing shit over the statues in the Capitol on January 6th. Is that true? Yeah. And I'm thinking, I can barely take a leak at Shea Stadium around other guys, even if there's like a divider. Well, it shows you how empowered they were because they were surrounded by police, and yet they were able to loosen up their anuses. And I once, and this is a true story and uh i think my daughter is in the next room jojo oh good she's not um jojo that's my daughter you named her after richard pryor's

movie exactly right right wow um did she grow up in a brothel too i'm not going to talk to you about my daughter okay because i grew up in a brothel i know you did yeah it's it's really screwed up uh how did you afford the money was it a paper route i they just took i was like their mascot oh i thought you meant you were buying when you were like seven years old no no my mother were buying pussy when you were like seven years old. No, no, my mother. Well, I could talk about this. I my mother, I am the illegitimate child of one of my mother's customers. And I grew up like I didn't never knew who my father was. I just other than rooster, the guy who ran the bordello in New Jersey

that I grew up in. Rooster was kind of like my father and didn't raise me too well. Kind of just, you know, he had different ideas about keeping women in line than I did. I had different ideas about keeping women in line than I did. I had to readjust when I went out into the real world. But at least your mother was in line. She was in line. Yeah, right. But I didn't know that women talked back until I was 18 and left the home. And I had no idea that women just. She was working from home way before the pandemic.

She was a stay at home. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so anyway, the story I was going to tell you is when I was about. Maybe 13, we used to hang around. I grew up in Tarrytown, New York, and there was a college, Marymount College. It was an all girls Catholic school. And so we, of course, spent inordinate amounts of time up there and just harassing the college students, mostly like Puerto Rican girls from the Bronx.

And so I got Jenny from the Bronx. And so I got it. Jenny from the block. Yes. Yeah. And so one time we were in the elevator at this before there was any campus security whatsoever. And so the good old days when a man could express himself. And so we're on we're in the elevator which only had three floors and we got on the third floor and my friend brian dared me to take a shit i dropped my pants i pinched a loaf and i was done by the time the doors opened on the first floor where three girls got in as we Wow. Yeah. That's worse than farting in an elevator, I think. I think so. Yeah. One is one is a burp and the other one is a vomit. You know? Yeah. Yeah. So you left it in the elevator? Yeah. and then we ran wait a minute wait a second you you were able to to take a dump while somebody was watching you while my two buddies were standing there watching me tommy bucci and

brian van horn that is that that's amazing yeah i i can't even watch myself. I have to wear blinders. I put on blinders in order to be able to go. And yeah, and I have to wipe with my left hand because I'm, you know, the right hand I use for eating. So I wipe with the left hand. Wiping. Is that a term I'm supposed to know? What does wiping mean?

You just flake off, let it dry. What are you talking about? No, seriously, what is wiping? Is that like, are you getting even with me for the Ashley Babbitt? Yeah, you rub it around. What is wiping? You take a piece of paper and then you take the extra shit and you rub it around your ass. I don't know where you're going with this.

It helps other men identify you when you see them. You know how dogs smell each other's asses? And me. Yes. Dogs are always smelling and licking it too that's how i clean i have five dogs who follow me into the bathroom and they clean afterwards right it's like it's a it's yeah and louis louis ck louis ck uh five dogs and then louis finishes me off he hasn't been doing much since i don't know what happened but uh he just did madison square garden what are you talking about louis b day is what i call so i just had robert smigel on the show last week and i mean

i think that's the reason you're on right now is we yeah everybody i i forgot how many people actually listen to your podcast very few very few no i mean i everybody thought like i die. I got so many people contacted me. And after my name came up. Yeah. Well, that's right. When people Greg Fitzsimmons actually has an audience. Yeah. Yeah. Which is amazing. That must be nice. It is nice. But what's nice is that it reached you and then, and then people started saying, why aren't you guys doing it? It's been a while. Um, Smigel is, I, I'd met him once before. I was the head writer on David Tell's Gong show and he was one of the

celebrity hosts and we got to hang out. And as you know him, he is just a, just the warmest, funniest, coolest dude. And, uh, man, did he rave about you. I wish I could extend the same courtesy to the man. Won't stop. No, I'm kidding. I love Robert. Oh, I didn't know.

Oh, thank God you love him. I was going to go somewhere. Robert is, nobody makes me laugh harder than Smigel. I mean, there's, you know, it's incredible. If you watch SNL, I shouldn't say this, but if you watch SNL and you laugh really hard at something, and I'll go, did you? And he'll just like nod.

Like, yeah. Oh, really? I did that. He's very shy about admitting to. But, you know, Odenkirk said he single-handedly saved sketch comedy. Robert Smigel. That's not me talking. That's Bob Odenkirk saying Smigel single-handedly saved sketch comedy well was he

did he come on in the wave right after lauren michaels returned to the show is that about the time he came on i think so yeah yeah i think he was like he came in with uh sandler and all those guys. Yeah. Farley. And I think, yeah, I think, I don't know, but he's pretty amazing. Yeah. He's pretty amazing. Yeah. I think it was around that time, which was, you're right. I mean, it was written off. The show was written off. It was dead. And then they came back and it was a goofy energy. And, you know, it got, of course it gets called misogynist now, but you know, I guess the, the way, the way the offices ran, it was not very friendly for women, but right. You know, you know, whatever. You should have said it was the good old days. The good old days.

The good old days. I always say I rode my toxic masculinity right to the middle, and I'm staying right there with it. There's no plan B. I'm just going to keep going. Listen, there was a Rolling Stone article about Jimmy Fallon's toxic work environment. And God bless young people. Because I read about Jimmy Fallon.

I go, sounds like a great place to work. Right, right. How is the crying rooms? We didn't have a crying room yeah when i started out you just had a breakdown on the floor in front of everybody you had the privacy of a crying room no i i agree with young new people in show business i'm being serious the the i just always assumed work was going to be where you were emasculated humiliated and you in order to receive a paycheck it's a permanent panic attack yeah right apparently younger people don't see it that way and god wants them for that i don't see it that way. And God wants them for that. I don't think it makes you stronger.

Now, this whole thing about being abused at work doesn't make you stronger. So I it doesn't make the show better. That's for sure. Just makes the guy in charge hard and happy. Don't say guy. You forget that I wrote. I'm talking about the abusive oh you're saying when i'm saying i i wrote for ellen degeneres and that was the most toxic place i've ever worked in my life and i wrote i wrote for bill i wrote for jamie foxx i wrote for some crazy fucking people but ellen isn't nice ellen are you kidding me oh you did you just stand up with her back in san francisco i might have oh no shit what was she like then i always wonder what she was like as a pure comic i uh ambitious yeah but uh which you're not allowed to say. Honestly, I never had a bad, I opened for her,

she couldn't have been nicer. Yeah. I got a bad review opening for her that I have somewhere if I- Oh, really? Yeah, like Feldman's obsession with flatulent jokes. Like they accused me of telling nothing but fart jokes before Ellen came out. and I thought that was unfair because I did a lot of queefing jokes as well you know your audience yeah

but no I honestly I have never had a bad experience okay Ellen but I didn't work for her yeah and I don't necessarily I'm not defending Ellen I think they get into a bubble and then people I mean I've been in situations as as a writer slash uh kiss ass where I it's almost in your best interest if the star of the show is impossible or people think the star is impossible. So you then accrue power. People go, can you talk to him? He's like you want the star to be unapproachable because that creates work for the managers, the the producers the intermediaries sometimes the stars aren't pricks it's just the people around them say oh you let me speak let me speak to the star yeah yeah yeah yeah if you if you say Ellen used to hang the comedy writers

uh is that what you're saying that she actually got a noose and would hang the comedy writers it was it was weird because she used this whip and i wouldn't call it a whip you know in the old days they'd call it a a switch or whatever but what it was was just soft enough where it would cut the skin and and you but but you couldn't show it to human resources. It just, it looked like, you know, just, you know, Just enough to, to pierce the skin, but not enough to make you come. That's torture. It was actually amazing.

It was almost like when OJ got free on the murder charges and you said like, all right, good black people can now buy their freedom just like white people. And, and when Roseanne and Ellen were as horrific to people as they were, you go, all right, a woman can be a douche bag on top as well.

Yeah. You, did you work for Roseanne? I worked for Roseanneanne what was your experience uh until she fired me i loved her oh really i honestly that was my first writing job in television and like i knew that she was unhappy and life was hard and that her father molested like six of her 17 personalities and you know she's had some issues yeah growing up so i was just grateful for the work yeah until i got fired uh but everybody got fired from that job if you were to look at the history of people fired from that job they are literally like some of the biggest writers in hollywood including norm

mcdonald yeah but the difference is i deserved to have been fired why just i was an asshole were you producing good material for the show yeah but i would go like I would go it was my first writing job so and you'd been doing stand-up at this point for 10 years or so yeah yeah and so if I if I was in a writing like what they what they did they had so many writers that they they would have they'd break you up into little writing rooms yeah some days were good depending on who was running the room and other days i didn't i wasn't having fun because i thought the guy running i didn't know that it wasn't up to me to decide if the guy running the room was funny or not. So I still... And you're a stamp writer. You're an entry level writer. Right. But when you're young and you're a standup and you can still get work on the road,

you start judging people as to whether or not they're funny as opposed to whether or not they can do anything for you. And so when there was a guy, usually a guy running the room who I didn't respect and he shot down two of my pitches, I'd go, I'll be back. Then I would just go for a long walk for six hours and come back for dinner. So yeah, I mean, when they fired me, I blamed it on Roseanne, but it was my, I didn't know that you're supposed to respect people because they can do something for you. Right. Right. That's what I quickly learned. Don't respect people because they're funny and talented. Only respect people because they're powerful and they can do something for you. Yeah. It is amazing when you get to that level and you have that much power. Like you look at, we were just talking about the director who molested everybody harvey weinstein like that

guy was surrounded by people that supported all this heinous behavior because he had so much power nobody had the balls to step out even the people that worked for him that he was they were facilitating setting up meetings where he could rape people. They were women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy. Yeah, must have been nice to be Harvey Weinstein. Didn't need dating apps. You didn't need like a black sweatshirt and a black stocking cap and quiet shoes.

No, just had it. I think he went through a lot of gardeners i think a lot of people who took care of his potted plants complained i don't get it it's not growing why did not grow why it's it's july why does this look like a christmas tree with tinsel dripping from it July, why does this look like a Christmas tree with tinsel dripping from it? Harvey Weinstein is a friend of the family. And that's how we would decorate our Christmas trees. We would just have him come over and jerk off on the Christmas tree for us. It was tough unwrapping the presents because a lot of it would drip down on the wrapping paper

and it would really seal the paper to the gift. Yeah, I love that. It was like a wax seal in the old days. Yeah. Harvey Seaman tasted like the filter fish. I don't know why, but it just did. We miss him. He was a friend of the family. Good friend. What happened to Harvey, by the way? Where is he? He was in the January 6th riots. Oh, OK. How do you think he's getting treated in prison, by the way?

You never hear that. You know, TMZ doesn't cover prison gossip enough. Yeah. Like how, you know, who else is there is how is jizz lane maxwell doing in there jizz lane yeah uh they i think they call her a primid seriously they call her primadonna they think she's got an attitude oh no kidding yeah i don't think a woman's prison hang on let my penis soften for a second every time i say women's prison, hang on, let my penis soften for a second. Every time I say women's prison, for some reason,

it's like a shot of Viagra straight to my shaft. Can we change the subject? But a men's prison, whoop, there we go. Wait a minute. I didn't expect that at all. Men's prison and i just all over the place do you think embarrassing do you think that you would yes i would i would the minute i got into prison i would start sucking cock immediately that's the key that's the key yeah if i made it over actually i was like hello i'm here let's do it walk in backwards walk in

shuffle in with your pants around your ankles ass first right i don't want to be protected if i get sent to prison i don't want one guy controlling me like uh you be my bitch and then nobody else will touch you i don't want one human being to have that much power over me. So I just rather just every day, just go into the shower, have it at people that way on my own, man. It's like a potluck. Yeah. I don't want one guy saying he's mine. Right. Right. And then now you're like that. You've always been a very kind of independent thinking person. Yeah. And to be a bitch in prison, there's a lot of pressure. Then suddenly he's telling you how to wear your hair. He's putting certain colognes on you. Plus, I think my experience in prison and I'm not speaking for all uh state prisons is that if you

if you play hard to get then they want you but if you're i was a so after a while they left me alone that and the hepatitis c that i think is the key before you you go into prison, just cover yourself with every venereal disease, even HIV. I mean, look at Magic Johnson. He's had it and he's doing great. I think that if you just infect yourself enough and let people know, you know, maybe you have those medals around your neck. That was my rap name in prison, Hep C. After about a year of about 20 guys a day, I was left alone. So that's what I recommend. And you can't take a shit on command?

I would think that would be the easiest thing in the world. No, because it goes right through me. Oh, right. It's just like, it's just a straight line from the mouth right out, right out the door. That sphincter lost its snap. All right, here's what I want to ask you. Is any of this going to make it to the podcast? It'll all be cut up into clips and put on TikTok.

Good. Yeah, we want the Chinese kids to laugh at this. Good. Dong-ding-ding-ding, dong-dong-ding. Dong. Late night talk shows, I want you to rank them. Colbert, Fallon, Seth Meyers, Greg Gutreg gutfeld put him in order gutfeld's the best why uh he says the things we all want to say but we're too educated to actually say it

uh i watch greg gutfeld and i think wow that so brave. You know, I think he does speak for the people who who who can't speak or read or think the common the common folk. I love Greg Gutfeld. I do. I think it's the best show, the funniest show. It's just laugh. It's the hard jokes that i like it's that they they veer away from just like grandiose vague opinions and get into set up punch lines yeah take dennis miller that's what i think of greg gutfeld take dennis Dennis Miller and suck out all the wit, all that unnecessary wit that Dennis has. Yeah, right. And just have the vitriol without the payoff. Yeah, right.

It's genius. And the casting. Oh, my God. The people they get on that couch, they get funny MMA fighters. They get funny bloggers. All the best fringe people. Well, he is the king of late night. All right, so who's second?

Nobody. It's just Greg Gutfeld. Dude, let me tell you something. He's beating them all in the ratings. I know. That's the crazy thing. He is the king, the Il Duce. How do you explain that?

He found a niche. Yeah. That the other late night hosts weren't providing. Right. Being unfunny. Right. People are saying, you know what, I'm trying to fall asleep. If I laugh, that stimulates my organs. What about a guy who isn't funny? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'll fall asleep. No, I mean, there's an underserved market in late night television. Right. Fascism.

Nobody's better than Greg. All right. So I won't have you dish on anybody else. Who else is there? Craig Ferguson. He's gone. Oh, okay. What about, let's see, the British guy.

Corden. James Corden. He seems like a nice guy. I hear he's a nice guy. I hear James Corden is the sweetest, most understanding. He's great with waiters and waitresses and flight attendants. He's just a kind, kind man. Yeah. And I think it really it really shows through in his interviews with people. They never seem like underneath there's a jealousy and a hatred. They always seem just straightforward, positive. say that the comedians who are kind of grumpy and cruel on stage are really nice and softies offstage. Right. And that's not true with me. I'm worse offstage. That's not true at all. You want to ask my kids. Well, your kids, that's very loaded. That's very loaded.

Yeah. I think anybody that knows you knows that you actually are one of the kindest people. And I think you're angry because this country really is so far off course. And you can't be as educated and as informed about what's going on in the world and not be very angry. But I don't think that that's taken away from you as a person. And you're obviously a thing with your kids. I mean, I have no idea what's going on there. Yeah. I just wish I could see them. Really? Yeah. I'm blind. How much trouble has this particular podcast got you in with your family?

I know it's your wife one time. That is a very expensive podcast. There were several letters that a lawyer had to write. So let's not, let's not. Every time a lawyer writes a letter, it's expensive. Oh, yeah. Let's not. All right. Yeah.

Any ex-girlfriends you want to talk about? I can talk about my love life if you want. Are you dating somebody now? I'm dating an older woman. Uh-huh. Yeah. How old is she? I rather not say.

Is it weird when you think to yourself, I'm having sex with a, I'm going to guess if she's older than you, she's 65. A corpse. It's a corpse. Is it weird to think I'm having sex with a 65-year-old woman? Like if you were 18 and somebody told you you were going to do that, you know. I'm dating a corpse. Yeah. The mummified remains of the woman who played Ginger on Gilligan's Island.

And she's still alive i don't want to explain how this is being pulled off right do you still have to dye her hair red or does it stay that way that would be such an easy relationship a a corpse. There was this documentary called Mother God about this cult. And they had a female leader and she had all these crazy followers. Of course, it was Colorado and then Oregon. And then she died, but they were convinced that she was Jesus Christ, that she was a savior. And so they kept her dead body and they put it in a van and they drove all around the country for weeks with this rotting body that they would all hold and care for.

And they videotaped it and the body just kept turning bluer and bluer. And I mean, I've never smelled a dead body, but apparently it's the worst smelling thing in the world. You've never had sex with James Corden. You wouldn't say that. So with all due respect, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't mean to be a rude guest.

Yeah. But you just spoke out of ignorance and like and like that cult leader cbs took a corpse and just kept propping it up again night after night for years he turned blue i think by the seventh season he was blue yeah yeah uh you've never you've never smelled, yeah. You've never smelled a dead body? I've never smelled a dead body. Have you? Come on, next time you're in New York,

come over to my apartment. Wait, you lived in Manhattan? I did. And you never walked into the lobby and said, oh, because there is something you know when you're smelling a dead body. In New York, if you live in a big apartment building, every three weeks, someone dies unattended to, and there's an odor, and you know, you know you go oh that's a dead body like i've never like the first time you go i've never smelled a dead body before but that is a dead body that has

been sitting for five days yeah and and the cat is chewing the eyeballs. Now, wait a minute. I've lived in several buildings in New York City and nobody died. And your building, every three weeks somebody dies. Is there any connection? My mood swings? My calendar? What's weird is you kill at the top of your mood swing you kill when you're happy out of joy yeah it's the way some people eat i eat it's the like when i eat it's too because i'm

unhappy but i kill when i'm happy some people kill to stuff their emotions. I kill to celebrate. I'm like, you know, like Italians eat to celebrate, but I, I, I don't kill to stuff my emotions. I kill because it's a celebration of life. Like it's like dancing to me eating. I eat my emotions. So wait a minute. Does that mean when you kill your joyous, and then when you're eating the body, that's out of sadness? Do you become sad after the death, and that's what makes you eat the body? I don't eat the body. Oh, I'm sorry.

I crossed the line. I apologize. I never eat anything I have sex with. That's why I don't eat lamb dog i never eat anything i'm like yeah i i i think i've told you too much about myself but you shouldn't eat anything you're having sex with. Yeah, no, I agree with that. Let me, let me ask you this. I have so many questions for you. Um, I didn't, I didn't have time to prepare questions for this interview. You didn't prep?

I didn't prep, but I'm interviewing Matt Reif tomorrow. So maybe I'll just ask you the questions I was going to ask him. I prepped for this show. I took that laxative that you have before. They call it prep, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, Matt Rife, he's the good-looking comic on Netflix. Right. Have you had a chance to see the special? Yeah, I think he's fantastic.

What do you like most about him the way he looks yeah i just can't get past how handsome and young he is and yeah he's fantastic yeah well good i'm glad you like him yeah and he says the things that i wouldn't say because I have to work hard at being funny because I'm ugly. Yeah, it is. He says that this thing's a good looking guy who doesn't have to work too hard. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I really do think it is easier for an ugly person.

Fat people have the easiest job in comedy. They just, you know, the classic, they just walk on stage, take the mic out of the mic stand, put the mic stand to the side. And what do they say? Let me get this out of the way so you can see me. Guaranteed laugh. One line, one line. I've seen at least a dozen fat guys do that same line. But it's just indicative of how the premise is just sitting there. And you can just start fucking riffing on being fat.

And for you, being unattractive, it's kind of the same thing. You can walk on stage and just go like, who wants to fuck me? And it's a roar of laughter. Right. Right. Which is why I i kill that's why you kill after the show so you are you really interviewing matt rife no oh because he's adorable he is adorable he's got a strong jaw yeah he's got a strong jaw and they uh which you love in a boy i a loose jaw loose when you say loose are you like are you you're not going to call the cops are you is that what

you mean by loose jaw you're going to keep your mouth shut right i guess i guess that guy what's his name matt rife yeah i guess he's like says even worse things than you and i do but because he's young and good looking nobody realizes it well no he did a joke that i thought was pretty innocuous. He said, uh, it wasn't a bad joke. He said, I, I was, I walked into a restaurant and if the hostess had a black eye and I, and I said, uh, is this the face you want to show the public of your restaurant? Is this how they want you to see you? You know, put her, put her back in the kitchen and then his friend said well if she could cook she wouldn't have a black eye so i mean that's a joke you and i would tell that that's funny but well not on stage not on stage no no no but i think because his audience

is mostly female he's got a mostly female young good looking on i mean you want to talk about a guy that can get laid after shows there's never it's this is dane cook territory yeah yeah so he's probably because god has a sense of humor he's probably impotent right you would only hope well elvis elvis was somewhat impotent really yeah. You would only hope. Well, Elvis, Elvis was somewhat impotent. Really? Yeah. Elvis. I read this book about him. Costello? No, no, no. Elvis. Elvis Mitchell? Yeah. Which Elvis are you talking about? Elvis Presley. He would snuggle. He was a big snuggler, Presley. He would snuggle. He was a big snuggler, but he had my memory. Elvis Presley. It was he was the guy that married the 14 year old, but somehow was America's sweetheart. Oh, so Elvis was impotent, which is why they had to shoot him from the waist up because it was embarrassing. He didn't have a hard on Sullivan show. Yeah, That was the big thing on the Ed Sullivan show. All the singers had raging hard ons and Elvis didn't have a hard on.

So Ed said, shoot him from the waist up. I didn't know that's why they shot him from the waist up. He couldn't get it up. I think he did at first and then he started getting on a lot of drugs and couldn't get it up at all. Meanwhile, he's dating, you know, every beautiful bombshell in Hollywood, including Marilyn Monroe. So that's the secret to not being able to get it up is how you meet beautiful women. Well, I think in today's climate,

that's how women want you. They want you so innocuous that you are actually impotent. All right. I've got it made. Yeah. This is great. All right. I want to ask you this also.

I didn't know Elvis was impotent. Who do you like in the war? I've got Palestine with the points. You doing the over-under? I'm doing the over under or i'm doing i'm doing the the over under right now is ten thousand uh yeah so uh refresh my memory there this is this is hamas versus israel isn't it weird that hamas has the word ham in it? Yeah. Yet they're they're they're hurting the Jewish people. You think they're doing that on purpose? Yeah. And us and us, us, Hamas. Hamas. That was my nickname in prison. Hamas.

Hamas. I would love to talk about Hamas and Israel. There are no landmines there. No, let's get right into it. Like people are very open minded. And if you make a joke, they're willing to look the other way. So let's let's have at it. And the best thing is, is that most people have really been investigating it and educating themselves for so many years before forming these opinions. It's steeped in learning and understanding the shades and the layers.

Yes, I have some very strong opinions on this. I don't know anything about it but I have some exactly I just I just I just took a and I swiped through three Tick Tock videos about uh Hamas so I I'd like to give you my emphatic opinion about it now right right yeah well since I'm no longer Jewish and my name is David. Uh, I, uh, really don't have any, I don't pay attention to that. Oh, I love it. I love the restraint. Here's a man. What's the joke. I've always wanted to ask you this. What's the joke that got you in the most trouble in your career, in your standup career? Uh, well, you want me to get into trouble? Uh, I walked an entire audience in Arlington, Texas. The joke was, only men could invent a word as ugly as the C word, but only women could make it last this long.

Like, usually words go out of style. Something like that. I said, like, only men could invent something as ugly as this word only women could make it last this long they gave it legs they gave it legs yeah and uh this was like 30 years ago and i swear to you this is the god's honest truth all of a sudden everybody starts walking out and i'm thinking because my ego is so out of whack food poisoning, right? I'm thinking the mozzarella sticks went bad and everybody's going to the bathroom and the entire audience walked out of me and the people of Texas, nobody said you suck.

Yeah. They just walked out. And then then and it's the god's honest truth it was a saturday night third show saturday night oh and i say to the owner of the club should we open up the books and see what's what you got four months from now five months should i become like i was delusional i was so dead inside uh but there's nothing there's nothing better than walking a room i don't think you're a real comedian unless you're walking three people in a weekend if you're there for five shows in a weekend and not one person leaves you're you're a fucking karaoke act i've had shows where people walk out and come back to walk out on me again. Yeah. Right.

They just wanted to make sure they saw the, uh, yeah. Um, all right. We've come to the segment in the show called fastballs with fits. Fastballs with fits. Yeah. These are questions I ask all of my comedy guests. Okay. And you just answer them, uh them straightforward. And I think I've been pretty honest with you today. Extremely honest. Yeah. I think I don't think I hid behind

comedy at all. I think you I think I've been very straightforward. What's great is that you gave up on sarcasm back in the aughts. and now it's just straightforward, just information. Yeah, yeah. I'm not here to make people laugh. I'm here to make you think. Think about walking out of the show. Have you ever saved somebody's life? Yes, I changed my mind.

save somebody's life? Yes, I changed my mind. Sometimes you just go, not worth it. You know, it's like, I'm going to need that Tommy John surgery before I, you know what? It's not worth it. I don't want to, I don't want to have to dip my strangling arm in a bucket of ice like sandy koufax i'm taking the night off we're done so yes all right i came close to save it like i knew like like my my agent my well he's no longer with us uh we were at spago and he needed the heimlich maneuver uh-huh yeah and like i knew how to i could have performed yeah right right but i don't like reaching up behind somebody in a crowded restaurant without being able to lube up and take my pants off so he's no longer with us yeah that's a qualified thank you after you say have i ever saved anybody's life uh saved his life? Have I ever saved anybody's life? No. Okay. I don't think it's worth it. All right. Who is the worst opening act that you ever had in your life? Go on before you. The worst opening act? Maria Bamford. yeah what happened uh I brought her to San Francisco to

open for me and she would do 20 25 minutes and uh she would ruin the crowd she She'd say, okay, my time is up. And they'd go, oh, no. Stay. Oh, really? Yeah, they loved her. Oh. And it was a week of that. Yeah. Then me.

Bring Maria back out. Yeah. Why did you think that was a fit in the first place did you bring her as the opener yeah she's a genius she's a genius and she's gentle

and she's vulnerable she's everything you aren't yeah and it was one of the worst weeks when you there's one thing to be sitting in the audience and to watch maria bamford and know you're nothing yeah then to have to follow her and have the audience agree that you're nothing yeah right uh and my ego was such that we could we didn't flip Right.

And my ego was such that we could, we didn't flip. I should have just said, why don't you close the show? Yeah. But that would have been just too humiliating. Yeah. I would have been deprived the thrill of being hated. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

What is something you have turned down recently what have i turned down uh you mean like in for work yeah uh i don't want to insult anybody. Okay. So, uh, I mean, it's not like my phone is ringing. It's not like anybody wants to hire me. Nobody wants me in the writing room where they used to nobody. Well, look, categorically, we're not being hired right now. It's not personal. But, and plus, you just don't want me.

And, you know, I don't have a poker face if somebody's not funny. Uh-huh. Yeah. I can't keep a poker face. You're right. Like. All right. Have you ever not finished a set on stage?

Walked off or did it end prematurely in any way at any time questions have I ever finished a set on stage Tommy Tease and San Leandro I had a walk off uh the heckler beat me you You know, when that. Yes, I've walked off. I don't need this shit. Yes, I have. Yeah. Not like Larry David would. It wasn't glorious.

It's just humiliating and bad and unfunny. And nobody's got nobody said, oh, that was great. That was just wow. You suck. All right. Yeah. Was that early on? This year, yeah. Early on this year. Larry Brown and I used to do, as they say, a double act.

Larry Bubbles Brown. Larry and I used to perform together on stage like a comedy uh team and we did a new year's eve show that they handed out the the noisemakers right and larry said happy new year you and he threw the microphone down we were bub and dave the comedy team was bub and dave and he goes happy new year you motherfuckers and we still had a like a half hour left yeah yeah we just went we've been bub and dave good night everybody Yeah. So I, yes, I have not finished. Um, yeah. All right. Well, listen, we have finished this podcast. If you want to hear more from David Feldman, it's called the David Feldman show

and it goes up where, where do people get it? You have to come to my apartment in New York city to hear it. Uh, and do And do people leave? Does anyone get out? No, I have, no, they don't. Well, no, they do leave, but in pieces. They end up in the bathtub. Your door guy is like, he always

has a backpack on. It's very weird. He has a stuffed backpack on. And he reeks of Febreze febreze lime and bleach mostly bleach with a little febreze and knock off aramis anything else you want to promote? Anti-Semitism. I think I've done a pretty good job of that. But it's a relief not being Jewish anymore.

Oh, I can imagine. You know, I gave it a good run. Well, you jumped on the bandwagon. And now, like any Fairweather fan, you're jumping off. I get it. Well, October 7th, I said, you know what? Notwagon. And now, like any Fairweather fan, you're jumping off. I get it. Well, October 7th, I said, you know what? Not safe. Not a good idea. Right.

Why don't I just stop? Yeah. And so it's just, you know, that was my choice to stop being Jewish. Yeah. So it's the David F show on YouTube. You can watch me on YouTube. Watch it on YouTube. He brings in comedians but uh mostly politicians at this point these days it's mostly in all seriousness it's mostly me just whining

i'm being serious without a guess i don't i don't do guests anymore oh no really it's just me uh whining and complaining uh-huh all right that's how i've decided to finish out the career just me alone in a room itching and moaning yeah we have to wrap this up right yeah we're gonna say goodbye and you have you have some place to go you have something to do you have i do i actually do nice yeah let's be nice yeah it's really nice and uh you know my dog needs to be walked so that that's the that's kind of lineup i have for today and he's dead he died a year ago so the wall it's more of a drag than a walk yeah you know he he seems to like it yeah yeah so that's can he play alive is that his trick play alive yeah play a lot play alive

um all right david thank you so much you know what i love you yeah before you go yeah uh what you do you have cats no cats oh okay then i won't tell you how to change the cat if you get a dog uh-huh the dog eats from the cat box you never have to change the cat box is that true yeah really dogs think it's a delicacy personally it's okay but they think it's a delicacy i well the problem is it's like eating an oyster there's always some sand that you're chewing on yes and it makes you horny like every time i eat an oyster or in my cat turds because uh i there are things i do with my cat that involves a string of pearls and

yanking at just the right time i don't need to discuss this with you other than it my cat purrs a lot you should you have a life i have no place to go david feldman the best listen to his podcast and uh he's gonna get some tour dates again coming up on the uh on the website just keep an eye out for those. Yeah, keep an eye out. I may be coming to a city near you. Yeah. All right. Thank you, my friend. I love you.

I forgive you. God bless. God bless. you