Fitzdog Radio - David Koechner - Episode 1058

Episode Date: June 26, 2024

My brother in meditation and comedy Dave Koechner swings by and talks about losing his virginity and the story of his orphaned Grandpa.  Follow Dave Koechner on Instagram @DavidKoechner 

Welcome to Fitts Dogg Radio. It's a beautiful summer day here in Venice Beach, California. The wind is blowing through the bamboo and the palm. Cheering up. A little bummed out last night. the goddamn Edmonton Oilers lost in Game seven to the Florida Panthers and it was an amazing if you didn't watch the series you missed one of the greatest Stanley Cup series of all time Three they were down three games nothing and Then they came back forced to game seven Everybody wanted to see Connor McDavid

win a Stanley Cup hoist the trophy he did win the MVP they played unbelievable I have to say Florida played better they were physical as shit they pulled out what brought them to the Stanley Cup which is just great for checking amazing defense very physical and in the, they have to say they earned it. They earned that game seven. So that was fun. Now watching hockey, there's not a better sport to watch. You are watching 60 minutes in two hours.

As opposed to football, you're watching, I don't know how long are the quarters? Three and a half hours for a game? All action. So great. Anyway, so it's beautiful here in Venice. I went down to the beach yesterday, rode my bike.

My son was down there with all his buddies playing paddle tennis, slapped it around a little bit, dove in the ocean, rode some bike, my son was down there with all his buddies playing paddle tennis, slapped it around a little bit, dove in the ocean, rode some waves, walked around, got some sun, it was like 80 degrees, it was beautiful. Biked home, took an outdoor shower, jumped in the hot tub, grilled it up last night, it was just a California day. And I had this thing happen, I was walking down the street. I live along all these walk streets

and I just walk every day. I know all my neighbors and I'm walking along and this woman comes out of, kind of like there's a lot of bushes and then a door and she comes out of it and she bumps into me and I say, excuse me. She goes, oh, excuse me. And she's got a little chihuahua in her hands.

And then I walk about three or four steps ahead of her and she goes, you're so cute. And I went, thank you, and I turned around, I go, thank you, and then I go, oh, you were talking to the dog. Okay, yeah, he is cute. He is very cute. She goes, no, you're cute too. I go, no, it was the dog. It to the dog. Okay, yeah, he is cute. He is very cute. She goes, no, you're cute too.

I go, no, it was the dog. It was the dog. I had on my Adidas track suit. I had a little Irish cap on. I did think I looked cute, but I don't get you're cute that much on the street these days. And that's fine.

I kind of own it how I look now like I was on the beach yesterday in a bathing suit and I was walking up and down the sand just just enjoying and I never once thought oh he's looking at my body I don't care it's pasty white I get skinny legs very little hair I don't know, what the fuck do I care? It's nice to get to that age. So anyway, what else? We had the guy come over, we had a dent in the Subaru, and we call this guy and he shows up

and his license plate says Mr. Dent, and he comes out and he's got a suction cup, and he sucks the dent out out but it's still dented and then he goes, opens up the hood, goes through the hood with this tool that pokes out the holes even more but it makes little tiny dents, like little pock marks all over the dents to push it out

and then he takes a rubber mallet with another, it looks like a stud and he's tapping it in with a, like a peg, like a rubber peg. It took him like 35 minutes. And when he was done, the dent was completely gone. I paid him 200 bucks, cash, done. So if anybody in LA has a dent and they want to get it out, Mr. Dent, DM me or write it to fitzdogradio at gmail.com

and I will send you this dude's info. So I just got back yesterday from, I did some dates, I was in Pittsburgh, I did the KDVE Festival, and those guys just treated us great. Randy and the boys at the station. Harlan Williams, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Tiana. God damn it. That was a brain fart. And Chris Porter. We were all down there had a blast ate some good food walked around and then I hooked up with the Burt Kreischer tour they were in Pittsburgh and then I did Doug loves movies which was fun as part of the part of the festival and then I went to Burt's tour and he had, I saw his show,

the Pittsburgh Steelers came out and came on stage and there was a huge party backstage and everybody was there. And then I got on that bus that night and we drove, stayed up till three or four in the morning and then on the bus and then got in the bunk, woke up at like 10 a.m. the next day in Buffalo. It's raining and they've got some golf carts for us and they drive us to Six Flags which is about a half a

mile from where we're parked on the bus where the show is going to be. So we go to Six Flags, it's fucking empty, it's a ghost town and we've got these this concierge VIP thing where they're just bringing us to the front of every, just walking past kids, bald kids from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Sorry kid, no, it's Bert Kreischer. Yeah, he's the machine, you get it, you get it. And we went on like six or seven roller coaster rides

and just had a blast. It was a great bunch of people. Me and Whitney Cumming spent a lot of time together on the rides. Jay Okerson and Dan Soder are so funny, just riffing with each other all the time. Bert, his wife Leanne, Pete, just a bunch of great dudes and chicks. Chicks and dudes, man! And we had a blast. And then you go back to where the tour bus is parked, and they've got everything.

They've got cornhole, they've got a massage room, they've got workout station, they've got a penful, they've got workout station, they've got a pen full of puppies from a local rescue that we could play with. There was amazing food, there was basketball hoops and football tosses, and it was just so much fun. We had a, it's like being at camp. It was like summer camp with like the funniest people

that you've ever met. And there was like a real feeling of love about it because Burt just exudes joy and acceptance and Tony Hinchcliffe was funny as shit. And we were just, we're just having a blast. Troy Conrad, the photographer was there. And then we did the show that night. It was a big outdoor show and everybody killed. And then I just got back yesterday.

But what a blast. That fully loaded tour. If you can get to a show, do it. There's so much fun and the lineups are insane. If you like the show, if you like this show, make sure you rate it. Please leave a comment over on YouTube or on Google podcasts, help push the show along. I'll be coming up, I'll be doing Joe Rogan's podcast August 13th. Then my special comes out, I believe it's now August 12th is the release date.

There's gonna be a YouTube, a YouTube live I think. I'll announce it leading up to the special and I think during the special. I'm also coming to the Denver Comedy Works August 29th through the 31st. Austin at the mothership September 6th through the 8th. Coming to Alaska, Fair Bank September 25th through the 28th, San Francisco punchline. After that go to FitzDog.com get some tickets and let's just get to it because my guest, I think we had a good long one on this one. It was a guy that's been on the show many times. He's one of my dear friends. He, you know I'm from Anchorman and Talladega Nights

and a million other projects. He's just the best. He and I, we learn transcendental meditation together. We do a lot of standup together. He is also represented by Midcoast Media for social media and podcasts and they're great. So here he is. Please enjoy my chat with Mr. Dave Kechner. Welcome to Fits Dog Radio. I got a fucking man.

I got a man here today. Wow. You know, I grew up in the Midwest, played sports. Marginally. Father was a farmer. No, he was a manufacturer of farm implements. You're getting close. If you could not correct me on my podcast,

I'd appreciate that. I have a certain level of respect in the industry and you come in here with your hat. If you could do your research and get it correct, I'd appreciate it. My father manufactured livestock trailers for turkeys, turkey coops. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, because if I'd say turkey coops, people are like, oh, you're putting it in your backyard? No, Konda's sending F-U-C-K. You put them on a 40-foot trailer, and you take them from the grow-out barns to the kill sheds, all right? The kill sheds. Did you spend time in the kill sheds? No, no.

They were centrally located in different states. But they'd be the ones that bought the turkey coops to take the birds from the grow-out barns all over the country to their localized butchery, kill force. Was this all corporate when you were a kid? Yeah, the turkeys were, yes, because you'd have a Ralston, Perina and Cargill are the buyers so they'd buy the birds from the local farmers.

The farmers would have like five or six grow-out barns so they'd be sending, I don't know, thousands of birds to their death weekly you think yeah So we could all sup on them, but my father was merely the transference to death Yeah, he was the gerbils. He wasn't the him You gotta do your research folks those are good jokes How are you man good're a fucking road dog. Every time I look at your Instagram, you are five kids, man. I know the twins are going to call.

Well, Audrey's going to go to college and Sargent's going to do a gap year. OK, so Audrey's going to go to Colorado and then Sargent's going to go to. He's going to do language immersion in Costa Rica, Guatemala and Peru. Oh, that's a Peru. Oh, nice. That's a five-month program, which is great because it's cheaper than college. And then I'm gonna encourage him, be like, dude, do the five months, hon.

Go to Italy. Well, my son just did five months in Central America. Really? What'd he do? Well, both my kids did Spanish immersion growing up, so they're both fluent in Spanish. Okay, growing up. Growing up, and then so they went off, went off and he went to college and then he went to with a buddy

Just he took like what they call chicken buses cuz everybody's got a chicken in their lap just going from town to town and He just had adventures and this was not part of a college program. No, this was just freestyle Wow. Yeah. Okay, cool It was great. I might not have talked to sergeant. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, cool. It was great. I might have to have him talk to sergeant. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Peer to peer. Peer to peer, I mean, because he'll tell him things he didn't tell me about the trip. That's true. I do know this.

Him and his buddy met two women when they were in Guatemala and they met two women who said, hey, we live, you guys are going to Mexico? And they're like, we're Mexican. We get come to our town and stay with us. And they're like, they're twins. Wow. and they're like we're Mexican we get come to our town and stay with us and they're like they're twins wow and they're like 29 and my son's 22 wow so they go are 23 so they go off they go to this Mexican it's a small city and their uncle is the mayor of the city so they live in a mansion they go there and it's Christmas Eve, they got 60 people, they got a DJ,

they dance till 730 in the morning, and then the next day they go off. The father takes them into the jungle to drink tequila shots with the indigenous people and have festivals for like 12 hours. And then they leave the house a week later and the two twins leave their house and travel with them what for another couple weeks now it was kind of this crazy Wow yeah when you're 23 yeah and there's a 29 year old woman involved you're just you beyond you're speechless because you can't believe what's happening in your life that's the greatest that's the greatest time of his

life so far yes Wow yeah I. Well, because what are we doing? We're at the St. Louis funny bone. You know, eating chicken wings between shows and you try not to because I just got my my physical and my cholesterol is up a little bit. So I got to I got to watch that. Yeah, but how do you that's the problem with being on the road? Sometimes there's so few choices. I know, that's our, we can find them. How? Well, just, all right, there's usually something at the hotel, maybe.

Sometimes not. Sometimes not. It is more difficult. Yeah. But if you are diligent, you can do it. Yeah. You know, salad without dressing, that's a time. Oh, God.

I know, right? That's tough. I had to see her in three months, so I got to work real hard. So if you're in the green room, you're stuck. He does no food. What do you get off the menu? Oh, well, if you hope they have a salad, but a lot of times they don't. Right. So like you said, chicken wings would be probably the house that is that the healthiest option on the because they might then you have then you have to eat

the sticks of carrots. But youiest thing on the option. Because they might, then you have to eat the sticks of carrots. But you're right, I mean, because you could say, do you have baked wings maybe? Uh-huh. But probably not. Uh-huh. I guess at that point a cheeseburger might be healthier. I don't know.

No, but you start going no bun, all that stuff, right? Yeah, right. And then they put you in a hotel that has no restaurant. Right. And it's not walking distance where I, because like, did you guys kind of like have a vision of how I would eat for these three days? Was there any thought given?

You know, people are like, do you explore the city when you're there? No, I sleep. I work at night, you understand? I don't be fresh, I know. Yeah, I get DMs from people. Oh, I see you're going to Lexington, Kentucky You got to go to BJ's barbecue really?

I need to go to the closest restaurant to my hotel at two in the afternoon I please someone take me maybe maybe after Press yeah, take me to a nice little spot where I get some good I avoid like it not order the biscuits and gravy, which is very hard for me. Do you go, do you play Hilarities in Cleveland? Haven't yet. Okay, because they take you out,

there's a famous pastrami, it's a, they have a breakfast, not pastrami, what do you call the meat they serve, hash, corned beef hash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a famous place in Cleveland. Not to my knowledge, maybe I've been there, I don't think so, it doesn't resonate this

invitation to their hash breakfast. But I look forward to it, I'll reference you when I'm there. Drop my name and you'll get a little extra dollop. Yeah, but dude, it's whatever, right? After COVID, I turned 60. And it's never happened before where I have not had a wealth of work I've been very blessed so I can't complain you mean you have more well I'm looking at your IMDB page yeah not only

are you doing like 40 weeks a year on the road you have project after project lined up right now that's really do I where are they? Oh, is that right? I'll tell you right now you got Show called Reaper's night is a movie Reaper's night, but I hope it works Reaper's night's been on there for two years Oh, okay, it's a movie. They're trying to get released. I guess Reaper's night. What else do I have? birth and Hathaway That was a film short done Didn't pay money. That's's fine I got to be I got to hang out and shoot with my good friend Larry Clark that was that was a

payment for me. Dashing through the snow that sounds like a hallmark money grab. That's a that's a thriller Santa assassination movie. Really? Shot that in Lake Arrowhead back in February. I'm in on that one. Yeah, yeah. So it's a Christmas release. I guess, yeah. Did you get paid on that?

Yeah. There you go. Rock me. Rock me. Oh my god, really? That's on there? It says coming up soon. Three years ago, Austin, Texas, in the can, no one bought it.

Yeah. I love this though Wow Upcoming projects look makes it look like I'm really busy. It got a lot going on I like that half baked totally high Wow already released on DVD Nobody has a player something I don't know I to me I was puzzled too. Where's this going? Where's this going? Were you high when you made the deal? What? Okay. We got a Betamax deal on this one. It's gonna be on Kcal 9 and Betamax. It may have been on one of the streamers. I don't even know.

I don't even know. Wow. But was it a spin-off of Half-Baked? Yes. It was a... So this other kid plays Dave Chappelle's son. Yeah, and Dave, of course doesn't show up in Harlins in it Yeah, and then the gal that was in the original is in it Jim Brewer. Nope. No Brewer Neil Brennan involved in anyway, no, no, not in any way. So they did get the title though. That's good. Yeah So why you know what? Yeah, yeah. Give him 25 cents. Take it. So it's whatever. It was more work. I was very happy to have it. Mike Teddys is a good dude. I worked with him before.

What's his name? Teddys. T-I-D-D. Tideys. Teddys. I think he probably preferred Tideys. Either way, you're getting some fun. I had a Shakespeare professor in college, and it was the first day of class and I said uh professor Simone I was wondering about this balcony scene he goes it's it's

semen I was like just giving you the benefit of the doubt just thought I'd give it a shot what semen why not just change the pronunciation sir you know what yeah your whole life. No, it's Goblet Up. Yeah. Yeah. It's by the tablespoon. He's playing baseball.

It's in the outfield. Ball comes from Siemens all over that one. My friend, Norm Hizcock. True name. No, it's not. You know Norm Hizcock. No, it's not. You know Norm Hizcock was head writer for Kids in the Hall. Norm Hizcock, it's a Nova Scotian surname. There's a lot of people in Nova Scotia that have that surname. And so, Norm, when he got married, he had daughters, so he had them take his wife's

name, Park. Park. Park. Yes. So the hyphenated last name for her is Park Hiscock. Park Hiscock. You're a genius, I never thought about that. You're a genius. But no, they just took the name Park and then Hiscock,

I guess that, of course, is two daughters, so that strain will end. Wow. I know. There was a guy in Boston who had two kids, twins. His last name was Mack and Ernie. OK. Named his kids Mack and Ernie. Mack and Ernie.

Why? Because he's just that stupid? Yeah. Ouch. How about Tom? You know Tom Cotter. Comedian Tom Cotter? Okay, yeah. Great comic, dear friend.

From Rhode Island. So you gotta picture the accent when I give you these names. Last name is Cotter. Named his kids Cam Cotter and Harry Cotter. Okay. By Cam Cotter and Harry Potter.ter. Okay. Like Cam Corder and Harry Potter. Oh, okay. Did he do that on purpose?

Yeah. Why? Because he's funny. He's one of those guys that is just, he's corny funny but in a way that works. I relate to that. Because I don't shy away from any cornpwn. Yeah.

You know, sell it harder. Yeah. You sell the cornpwn harder. I was thinking about how I think that there's a part of me that's a hack, especially when I'm headlining. Okay. I'll pull out some hack stuff. Sure, of course.

You know, little hacky crowd work. And I think to myself, as great of a comic as you are, kind of the most interesting part of the set I'm watching is when you do your hacky stuff. That's what makes me go, this guy gives a shit about the audience, he's a performer, and he wants to kill. Can I tell you, I do this one part,

I think I've told you this before, Dana told me when I started, I started when- Dana Gould? Yes, when Eve was born, 13 years ago, was when I decided I better start doing stand-up just to have it, because I've always done live performance, but I wasn't a stand-up.

I came from the sketch and improv world. And so I decided, you know what? I better just have it in my bag. And I did three weeks, three months in town, developing an hour, which, people won't like to hear this, wasn't that hard in my mind, just because I've done tons of live stuff. Well, you're also leaving out the fact that you did a comedy team for

about a decade. Yes. Yes. Naked Trucker which was standing in front of live crowds in clubs. And I closed with three songs for the truckers so I had to close. Right. That was that was done and basically what I did was a one-man show. My first hour was a one-man show. I remember show. I had wigs and changes. People were like, what's going on? I had no idea. This doesn't work in clubs, Dave. Anyway. I love that. I love stand up has become so like one dimensional. Everybody just gets up. They take the mic out of the stand. They move the mic stand. They maybe move one step to the left or the right. They talk about mostly the same stuff.

They close the same way. Have a half your host. And then you got somebody that goes up and does what this guy named Moses Storm. He'll run out into the crowd and he's always in the moment. And I just love when I see somebody new and fresh that's like shaking it up. So when I saw you doing that stuff, I was like, fucking yeah, here's what a creative person, here's the rules and stand up. Here's the stage, here's the mic,

you got 15 minutes, do whatever you want. Exactly, do whatever you want. And you're exploring it. Dana told me, go out in the audience, they know you from TV, I've been doing it since. And that's where the corn pone is. Because I do this bit in my act where I say, and it's true, the woman's always better looking than the man she's with. You've seen this. It's true. It's like, why are you with this guy? Anyway. So I go in the audience to explore this premise, which is nice because now I'm only going to compliment

the women. And it's corny. And I'll go out there and go, bald guy, of course, he's got a gorgeous wife. How corny is that? Then I'll look for every bald guy in the audience. Bald guy, gorgeous. Bald guy, gorgeous. They love it. And then every once in a while, some girl will raise her hand. What about me?

Are you asking if you're better looking? Oh, are you a narcissist? Look at me. You know, whatever. Well, that's got to be tough when you're walking past the table. Yes. You've just announced this premise and you take a quick glance and keep moving. Yes. Well, you know how it goes. I mean, you've got all your jokes built in. Yes.

There's 50 jokes that I've done over time that are just laying there. Let me guess, this is a family table? Let's leave that alone, shall we? You know, what's this? The lumberjack table? Good Lord. Looks like I found the swingers table. I mean, all of it. All of it. Good Lord, sir, are you a dentist? How'd you score this? No way. This is not your line. Let me guess, farmers only? Corn Pwn Central. And then you clip it up, you put it on Instagram, and you sell tickets. I don't. Why not? Because I'm stupid. You clip.

Well, you and I are both with the same social media person, which is Beth Hoops out of St. Louis, You put on Instagram and you sell tickets. I don't. Why not? Because I'm stupid. Well, you and I are both with the same social media person, which is Beth Hoops out of St. Louis Mid-coast Media. They do a great job. They produced this podcast on top of the social media. So they're always begging me, give us clips. And I just don't. I know.

Why? I just like, aren't I enough? Yeah, you know, but also it would work. It's all about course it would work. It's all about clips So then so in three months, I have to go see my doctor again Yeah, right to make sure my cholesterol got you're obsessed with this and three months you and I have to start doing clips Okay. All right. Well, you and I always challenge each other on this podcast. There was an episode, I want to say 10 years ago, where we were talking about all the people we knew that did transcendental meditation and how their

lives were better. And we go, and I think you challenged me, you go, let's, let's go study it. Yep. So we did it. We went to the Beverly Hills TM Center. Which is amazing. It was amazing and we had a guy in our class. That's the best. This is true, folks. Tell them about this. No, you tell them better.

It's a true story. So it's just the three of us. Me, Greg, and this kid who's in his 20s. He's early 20s and he shows up and I mean, bloodshot eyes, hair, he's beautiful looking but he's clearly a rich kid and his hair is all fucked up. Can we tell the people, so TM is a solid practice of meditation. There's nothing weird about it.

It's, it's, they don't listen. You do the thing, they never ask you for another dime. It's just giving you the gift of serene meditation. We go in the afternoon, the classes are an hour long, someone's apartment or whatever, and they give the instruction, but anyway, this kid. So he sits down and he can't, we're getting various degree,

I'm getting into it pretty easily, and I'm finding like, wow, this shit really works. He can't get it. No. He keeps, am I doing it right, am I sitting wrong? And then he comes in and the next time he comes in and you know we're getting more progressively deeper into it and he's just struggling, he's almost distracting. And then the third time

he comes in and the teacher goes, you know you should really not drink coffee before you come in. And then the kid looks her in the eye and with a straight face he goes, what about if you've been doing cocaine? You know the anti-meditation drug. Yeah, that'll slow your mind right down. Every time you've been doing a bunch of blow, I know what I'll do. I'll get gacked out. I'll get gacked out on coke and then go do some TM.

Wow. Tell some stories from my childhood. First time I got, every time I got laid. And then you get your mantra, we've talked about this before, which you can't tell anybody. You don't share it. You don't share it. I still do it, I get a nice run of doing some TM, but if I miss a day, it's hard for me to get back.

I'll do like, sometimes if I want to be lazy, I'll do 11 minutes, not the's hard for me to get back. I'll do like, sometimes if I want to be lazy, I'll do 11 minutes, not the 21. But anytime you spend, anytime you spend is better than nothing. But life's better when you do it. Life is better and it's amazing. It's the same thing with working out. You struggle, you don't want to do it, and then 99% of the time you walk out and you go, why am I not doing this every day? I feel so much better. And I feel like, you know, when I do the TM, it's like you said, I can do it on the subway in New York

for six minutes before a show. And it just changes, your shoulders drop, your feet are flat on the ground, you feel the earth under you, and I don't know, the thoughts just slow down. It's true. And if you're in regular practice, you're unstoppable. Right.

So do we have to add that to our little basket of to-do's? No, let's just focus on getting those clips out. Clips? Yeah. So. I'm not just doing clips of me sitting there practicing TM like I don't get this why am I supposed to watch it's not funny he seems like he's sleeping he's not snoring and he's saying his mantra out loud I thought we weren't

supposed to know what it was ding-dong ding-dong my buddy used to say yeah, I got my mantra today It's weird because my my my instructors had my mantras kekner is an asshole So I don't know that doesn't seem like first of all you're not supposed to tell me and that doesn't seem like a mantra That's our former teacher yes He gives you that kid. Yeah well that's great. Yeah so we'll do clips. I think the problem is you got to bring a camera on the road. Do you have to? You can't use your phone. Well see you can use your phone if you do it right. But if I'm in the audience getting clips there I had just somebody

on a rig almost. Right. You need two cameras. I know. I don't know, Sam Morell does a really good job with one camera. He doesn't really shoot the audience, but his are high quality and he, you know, if you put in the text, you write the, what do you call it, the subtitles on the screen of what they're saying, it's fine. Yeah. It's fine. Oh, you mean if he's doing crowd work. Yeah, you write down what the person in the crowd is saying. Do you do a lot of, do you do he's doing crowd work? Yeah, you see right down with the person of the crowd is saying Do you do a lot of do dedicated crowd work every show? Oh, yeah Yeah, I mean not the same stuff But I go I go into the crowd especially if it's a Friday night late show and the place is three-quarters filled

Yeah, and they're drunk and walking. Yeah, I walk on stage and we're gonna get to know everybody in the crowd That's great because they're not buying my material at that point. I get you Yeah, Friday night late show can be notoriously drunk. Yes, yes. And I love that. Okay. I'm a cowboy. That's great.

Let me yell shit out. I can handle it. We'll have fun. What's my horse tonight? Okay. Right. Yeah, no saddle, fine. I'll go do it.

No harness, I'll hold on to his mane. That's who I am. This horse doesn't scare me. I got this horse. Let's ride. I'm gonna feed this horse some sugar cubes. So you will you test it out a little bit we go like okay I'll try some jokes and if I like okay. Oh yeah yeah well I find that like it's almost like bringing back the sugar thing that is a spoonful of sugar with the medicine like I fuck around with them the problem is is if you kill too hard with the crowd work now your materials are really gonna look bad so I'm always sort of like you know metering out how much crowd work I do I just enough to get them if I'm losing them with material I go into the crowd

get them back up get them focused more material just back and forth okay yeah yeah and you know you know how to write you know, I equate it to sailing, right? Yeah. Where's the wind? We're gonna catch some wind. Right. And you're sailing over them. And like, okay, sometimes just dead in the water and you got to paddle for a minute. Yep. But yeah, yeah, yeah. And in the end, you know, on those shows, you got to, you also learn, which you've learned over these years is is like it may not be going well, but if you stand there with your chin up and you get through it, they're all going to walk out and go, that was a great show. You can make little disparaging comments like, oh, this crowd's,

but you can't lean on that. And you know, Del Close said years ago, never blame the audience. Yeah. Never blame the audience. Treat. Treat them like poets and artists, and they have a chance to become them. Now, they might be drunken poets, and all the better. And it's true. It's always going better than you think. Right. Even when it's quiet or the bounce in the room is weird, it just goes straight up over the walls, don't quite work. Then it's, you know, it's going better than you think. Right. And so just, you know,

like you said, chin up, persevere. Yeah. So Del Close, of course, is the founder of the Second City in Chicago. No, he was like you said, chin up, persevere. Yeah. So Dale Close, of course, is the founder of the Second City in Chicago. No, he was with the Second City early on, but his fame really came later in life when he started to teach, long-form improvisation. So he was a performer at Second City from the beginning. Then he kind of fell out of favor

because he's a huge drug addict, self-admitted. And that's the path he went on. He would skin pop speed. He was a speed popper. He used to pop speed under your skin, I guess. That was a way of ingesting as well. He had a lot of pock marks all over his arms. Really? He would brag about. No kidding. Yes, yes. Would he do that before he performed? I don't probably. Yeah. As my guess. Yeah. Years before. I've often thought if I did cocaine and went on stage

I would have the set of my life really well Look at look at the guys that did it look at Robin Williams and you know those guys killed on cocaine Kinnison yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess but it's not worth it, but you know, it's not worth it I wouldn't do it. No, I'm just saying in a scenario. I feel like you're cheating the audience They're like maybe I'm pretty high-energy anyway. I feel like you're cheating the audience. Maybe. I'm pretty high energy anyway. Wait, I want to get back to Dell Close and Second City. So Dell then, Dell was kind of down and out.

When I came to town in 1845 to Chicago, Sharna Halpern, who was my other teacher, she basically got Dell to come teach at her school, which is called the I.O., the Improv Olympic. Because Dell was destitute. In Chicago. In Chicago. Dell was destitute. got Dell to come teach at her school, which is called the I.O., the Improv Olympic. Yeah. Because Dell was destitute. In Chicago. In Chicago.

Yeah. Dell was destitute. He had nothing going on, no relationships, no work. So basically she's like, hey, come work for me. And Dell started toying with the idea of this show called The Herald. The Herald is basically a way to extend long form improvisation.

Because the problem with long form improv is, the scene starts, it's usually naturally over in two minutes and then what can happen to it? So Dell came up with an idea of how can we give this scene a second life and a third life, so these scenes can come back in time. You can go back in time or forward in time, but if you pay attention to what's going on, his first structure was basically a dance of what, you do three two-person scenes of different merit, then there's a game, because they'd still do games, in-person games. Then they'd do the same three scenes again, another two or three minutes, then another game, and then those first three scenes again.

Now you would hope for success that it would all wrap up beautifully in this half an hour. So the second section is informing the third section. Exactly. It was just calling back the first section. Exactly. I can remember doing stand-up before Harold. Wow. And and they used the stand-up, they grabbed stuff from the stand-up to create the scene. Nice. That was, UCB would do Harold, didn't they? Oh yeah, well they would would do what they I created this show with Adam McKay called the Armando Diaz. And basically you'd have a monologist just tell a story about whatever the subject was, or camera or phone or cup. They just tell a story. And then we act out. We're inspired by that person's story.

It shouldn't be on the nose. Right. You don't want to do exactly what the person said, but take something thematically or emotionally or whatever from that, or even geographically from that person's monologue and then start your scene. Those come back in time too. Basically that's when it ended up happening was long form then became this freedom structure that took on a million different forms.

Everybody just came up with their own gag, you know, however they wanted to do it. You lose the games because those are the least interesting part of it. And that was just holding on to an old format that was successful that people understood. So the audience. It was the crowd work of the show. Thank you. Nice. Well done. So when you did that, you had to have a lot of trust with your cast members, right? Yes. And you know, when you're a student, there are varying degrees of ability. And you would always, you know, hope you get better scene partners. But even if you have the bad ones, you could, I could figure out how to make the scene work anyway.

Like if they just want to negate it or just keep changing it, I just keep following that person. Because you can, it's an easy, to me it's an easy skill to do. It's not that difficult. It's as easy as having a conversation. But if you're kind of funny, and you also a little bit of a smart ass, you can always make it work, right?

And if you're halfway bright, so to me I had an elegance that I could portray in this field. It was, for me this was like what I was built to do. But what's interesting is, what you're saying is, if it's not going well, a stand-up instinct is to grab it, take control of it, and what you're saying is just the opposite.

Yes, you can't. You turn it back over to them. You have to stay in it. And you play off of them. Dig deeper. Wow. It's always about the last thing said. Dell would say, it's driving,

looking through your rear view mirror. All I know is what we have had. I don't know what's ahead of us. So I can only rely on what we've already had. So if I say good morning, the other person goes, morning, it's afternoon. Like, did I sleep in again? That person negated me right away. You always sleep in. You're right. I'm the sleep in king. Except yesterday when we got up early, I know, I was like schizophrenic. Some people just don't know how to play at all. They think they're going to be funny by getting you or something. They're usually not a seasoned performer and someone who doesn't last long. And their marriage doesn't last long. No, it shouldn't. It shouldn't. Don't negate your partner.

I never thought about that. The way you play on stage is maybe probably the way you have your relationship. Yeah, pretty interesting. I remember I was at Zach Galifianakis' wedding and it was like everybody was kind of formal everybody dressed up and I saw Patton Oswalt by the bathroom and he goes this is just like prom night except that we're not all losers And I was like and I go I actually had a really great prom night and he goes what a passive aggressive thing to say and it really hit me like yeah that's not how you talk to somebody at a wedding you go with the bit you go with the bit yeah But you're being honest. Yeah. He didn't like that I was a cool kid.

Wow. Well, that's the thing about comedians is there's this thing that we're all losers and everybody's got to play that hand. And it's like, I was not a loser. No, you don't have to be a loser. Right. You can be not interested in being the most popular. Doesn't make you a loser.

Right. I wish I had done standup back in Chicago. Now when I did improv, it was verboten to do standup. Well there wasn't much standup in Chicago, right? You could always find a scene, but it was really looked down upon because they didn't think you could do both successfully. Like if you did standup,

you're gonna start bringing that on stage. Like, oh, I don't know the difference between a football field and a basketball court. Yeah, like I'm gonna immediately go, oh, yeah, I gotta do it. Come on, man. It was so dumb. I wish I had done it back then. Yeah, because then I would have had that in my bag for more years.

Right. And just another tool. Yeah, I don't know about that. I think that you're one of those people that really took improv and applied it to show business successfully. That's true. Some people get caught in just doing improv and they're great at it, but they're not able to audition in a way that's more, you know, your improv allowed you to connect with people in a way that made you a

really great actor. Yeah, it's... Thank you, Greg. Thank you, Greg. Jesus Christ. Was that you just accepting? Like, yes, Greg, and? Pat Oswald Greg. Jesus Christ. I feel like Patton Oswald. Wait, was that you just accepting? Like, yes, Greg, and? I feel like Patton Oswald now. I know what he felt like in that bathroom at Galveston X's wedding that I was invited to. I wouldn't have gone. That was a big name drop, wasn't it?

That was a nice one. That didn't matter. Well, thank you very much for saying so. Of course, Dave. But we've been friends long enough. I didn't know I had to stop, drop, and blow you every time you gave me a compliment. I mean, your daughter's here. Is that what we need?

Listen, I'll do my work. I usually wait till after. But I tell you what, people do get married to improvisation because it gets culty. And then they're like, everything has to be improvised. There should be improv TV shows. No, there shouldn't. It doesn't work that way. It's a jazz art form, all right?

You're gonna do it on your jazz stage, have fun, people dig it, and that's it. Now maybe sometimes you can get an idea out of it, but if you watch, if you take your old sets, your improv sets, and watch them back, it's rarely a show. Yeah, nobody shows up at the stadium to see you run wind sprints and do drills.

That's right. That's right. Play the game. Play the game. Yeah. Yeah. Play the scripted show that I came to see. Unless it's improv, then it works.

If you've got a bunch of people that are good at it, it can work in that small context. Right. Or if you're doing games like they do at whatever, Who's Line, that's a whole different game, right? It's just games. That's not long form. Isn't it funny that that's the only improv show that's ever been successful on TV?

Well, it makes sense because it's short form. You know, you can kind of rely on some old chestnuts for pretty much every show. And it's easy to digest from an audience standpoint. The rest takes, when it's on film, or it's being filmed on a camera, it loses that transference it has to be live. Right I mean a lot of people feel like that

about porn but it seems to be really getting traction. It doesn't have to be live. I'm camera only. I don't want to be in the room. All right so here's some things I want to talk to you about. Have you done the Ancestry DNA? Because I know you're like German and Irish. Well, no, no. So my, my, my, I didn't mean to say no, no. Thank you for pointing that out. My last name is German.

But I'm not German. My grandfather was adopted by the Kekners or Kirchners, as it should be. So I'm from the small town of Missouri. I have 2,000 people. There's like 30 German families there. How they forgot how to say Kirchner is beyond me. How do they say it? Keckner, it's wrong.

Oh, got it. It should be, how about this? How about just Koechner? So I don't have to always like, how do I, how do I? So my grandfather came from an orphanage in New York City and when he was four or five, got sent on an orphan train. They used to have orphan trains. He and his sister.

Wait, what happened to his parents? Don't know. He was just given up for adoption. Oh shit. Yeah. Her last name was Williams, which we know is either Irish or English. They were sent down to New Orleans and then sent up to the Midwest. They got separated.

So here's this kid who's four or five years old, right? Wait, your grandfather and his sister? Yep. And they got separated up there somewhere. And so he goes to this Keckner family that was childless. And he was never accepted by the rest of the relatives because he was adopted so they never accepted him as a keckner. He had a very angry man from what I understand. I don't blame him. You're yanked out of the only place you know this orphanage.

How old at this point? Five. So old enough to know he's... Yes, I know people and I won't see him ever again. Apparently this family is rather cold and uncaring. German in the Midwest? Really? people and now I won't see them ever again. And apparently this family is rather cold and uncaring. German in the Midwest? Really? Yes, I'm new, right? So then this little group of Keckners was there. Joe Keckner, my grandfather, had nine kids and they all had big families. So I have 36 first cousins on my dad's side.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we had family reunions every year and that was it. It's just this group of Keckners, there are other Keckners in town, we weren't related to them and we knew it. That was a big deal. Like they're not your cousins. They're not blood.

Right. And so it was just us. So when I got onto television, how could I change my name to my 36 first cousins? You're saying it wrong. I should have. Yeah, yeah. I could have taken my mother's name, which is Downey. David Downey, throw a junior on there.

Thank you. So, yeah, I should have. Or just Cook, David Cook. Cook, or Kekner. Kekner, yes, whatever. But yeah, it didn't get my way. I've often thought what I have gained a little, one more notch of fame had it been an easier name to pronounce but that's you know that's neither here nor there. There was a woman and we're gonna assume she was an

overweight black woman for the sake of the story. Very good. We're in Boston and she calls up the comedy the Fanny Hall comedy connection and she says who's on the show tonight and they said, it's Anthony Clark, Jackie Flynn, and Greg Fitzsimmons. And she goes, is Grapefruit Simmons the headliner? Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, And to this day when I go to Boston,

everybody calls me Grapefruit Simmons. I love it. And if I had any brains on my head, I would change my stage name at that moment to Grapefruit Simmons. No, you couldn't. That is Hacks, sir. Grapefruit Simmons.

What would that act be? Well, I mean, you got earthquake. You remember there was a guy named Watermelon? Not Watermelon. Who was the guy, he blew up at Montreal one year and he got a like a two million dollar deal and he had just started doing anyway I made t-shirts and they're available by the way if you want to go to my website okay there's a grapefruit Simmons t-shirt my son was wearing it yesterday

when we took a hike nice I beat why does he wear it because I have boxes of them in the attic yeah did you guys get stopped? Did he get stopped? Like, do you know grapefruit? I love grapefruit Simmons. Once in a while, some lunatic shows up at one of my shows wearing it. And I just want to go security.

I'm going to eye on this one. I got his check. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. So wait, so did you do the Ancestor DNA? Yes. I'm 67% Irish. Wow.

Yes, so we're all the way. And then like 13% English, and then the rest like everybody else has, some Eastern European and some African in there. You got a little African in you? Everybody does. Hey now. I'm pretty sure, have you done it?

I did it, but I was 99% Irish. Wow. And then 1% Mongolian. Nice. Genghis Khan, they raped their way around the world. Joyfully. Everyone's got 1% of that, that raping DNA in them. Little Mongol.

My kids are a higher percentage Irish than I am. My ex-wife was, her family was Kelly and Morgan. So they were Irish, so I guess it's possible. Some of my kids have a little higher percentage Irish than I am. My ex-wife was, her family was Kelly and Morgan. So they were Irish, so I guess it's possible. Some of my kids have a little higher percentage of Irish than I do. Have you taken your kids to Ireland? My kids want to go. We went this summer. Did you? Yeah, yeah. Went to Galway. Yep. And traveled around, went up to Connemara, hiked up the Cliffs of Moor, went out to the Aran Islands. Just the four of you know We went with my sister and her two kids my mother my brother. Yeah, we got a big house

It was heaven heaven. Wow. How long how long you know just a week and then we did a week in Spain, but As a writer, you know, I was an English major as I told you about professor Seaman. Yeah, it's a great That's a great major. Yeah, I'm reading William Faulkner right now who's from Missouri. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah, William Faulkner is from Missouri. And I love writing. And we went to the Aran Islands, and they

had these little stone houses, small, overlooking the Atlantic. And you're just like, I could write a novel here. There's nobody, it's an island. There's no distractions. You just walk into town with your thick wool sweater, there's a light rain. I don't drink but I'd sit in the pub for a couple hours. Were you tempted because everybody else was having a Guinness? I haven't had a drink in 34 years. It's not worth it. And I was more tempted on this trip

than I've ever been in my life. Oh, I bet. Yeah, but luckily they had Guinness and A on tap. They do? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That'll do it.

Yeah, it was fine. It was fine. I'm waiting until I'm 65. What, you're gonna have a drink? I'm gonna have a highball dinner every night. Really? Yeah. Why'd you decide this?

Because I figured by then I'll have enough retirement money. I can't fuck up too bad. Like right now I'm afraid if I started drinking I would lose everything. How do you get retirement money? I don't know. Isn't there a government program or something? Yeah. How do you sign up for that? Yeah. 65, you decide you're gonna have a highball a night. Okay. 58, when I're going to have a high ball a night. Okay. 58, when I'm 65, I have a high ball a night. What if your sober friends said, they know about this plan? They laugh.

Okay. Bert Krishner wants to throw a party the night I start drinking. Oh, you don't want to do that. No. No. That won't be one high ball. No. No.

No. Because then everybody wants to have a high ball with you. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. I'm going to sip this all night. But from what I understand, and maybe you can corroborate this, the hangovers as you get older are way worse than when you were younger. It's been a minute for me. Yeah. I don't think so. No. No.

I mean, you know, I my my desire is to be sober every day. And I'm a relapse king. So but I would not say that unless you are so stoop. I can get smarter as you're older. So if you're drinking, you know enough to have a drink and a water, which I do. But yes, so no, not for me. I mean, if you weren't drinking, it's all water. If you don't drink water, you're going to have a hangover.

Yes. My friend Mike Gibbons is the king of that. Drinking a water, drinking a water all night. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, I'd like to be the king of just water. Well, I'm I say this is it's it's a half joke. I don't think I'll really do it. I think if anything, I'll probably take an edible every night. I think that's probably a safer way to go. I they they don't let me sleep.

I don't care if it's the one or the other. Indica and the... Sativa. Indica, yeah, Indicaouch, Indica. No, they make my mind spin. I'm not a marijuana fan. They just make me, yeah. That's just me.

Yeah. Doesn't work for me. I was taking like little micro doses during COVID and thinking it'd help me sleep. Of micro doses or of marijuana? Marijuana, two and a half milligrams, which is nothing. And I thought it was helping me sleep. And then one day I stopped taking it and I was sleeping exactly the same.

Ah. And I was just getting groggy. I'd be groggy in the morning when I would take them. Yeah. So you'll know. My son, so my my my younger son goes to, you know, does this immersion program. He winds up in Peru. So my oldest son, who's 25, goes, yo, Pop, ayahuasca, we're gonna go visit Sarge, right? They have resorts now. Oh, do they? Really? Of course. And it's probably owned by Philip Morris or something. We can only hope. Marriott and Philip Morris. This is some old white man as your guy.

Like, this doesn't seem right. Right, some guy with a Hawaiian shirt named Chad. He went to Penn State. You wind up smoking cigarettes the rest of your life. What happened? I'm wearing flip flops from my 60s. Toenails are all dried out. Listening to What's His Name from Lord?

Jimmy Buffet. Jimmy Buffet, thank you. Your kids won't talk to you anymore. But you're enlightened now. Yeah, I saw it. I'm moving to Florida. Dad, your skin should not be in Florida. That's where I'm going. He was dead in a week. Every week zapping off a piece of skin. What Faulkner book are you reading right now? As I Lay Dying. Okay. It's interesting because it's the same story told from a different point of view. It's almost like what you're talking about with the Harold. It's the same story but it's told from a different first person each chapter. Each character takes their turn telling the story and it's a story about the grandmother dies and

they want to bring her back to the town she grew up in. So he strap her body to the top of the stagecoach and as they're going you know fucking crows are eating at her but everybody's got a dick. You know one brother he's got he's got an old girlfriend that's back there he wants to see her. The other guy he's got dental work. It's a road trip. It's a road trip. It's a movie. It's the first road trip. Wow. Yeah yeah yeah. Is that a short story? No it's a novel. I think I have a Faulkner book of collected short stories. I'll have to look at it today. If I can find it, I'll start reading it. Missouri, man. Missouri. Mark Twain. You know what Mark Twain means? What? Two fathoms here.

No kidding. Yeah. It's a river term because he worked as a riverboat guy, and so you'd have to be in front of the riverboat because they're a flat bottom boat. Remember the big propeller on the back that doesn't dip down? And the river shifts all the time. The silt is constantly shifting, so you have to find out what's navigable. And so you put your pole in the water and you say, two fathoms here, Mark Twain. Really? That's where that came from.

Yeah. Wow. Now, if that's not That's where that came from, yeah. Wow. Now, if that's not a boring thing for your podcast, sir, I can't help you more than that. Well, we, my- We're getting to my standup. You're bald, is your wife hot? My wife is reading Huckleberry Finn right now with her book group.

Her book group? Yeah. Wow. There are seven. All gals. All gals, and gals and they usually read, I guess there's a book that's based on Huck Finn that's a modern book and so they're reading this to prepare themselves for the language. They really love reading some of that out loud don't they? Well you know the schools now down south are taking out, are

they? Not just the N word, they're taking out any depiction of anything that will make white people uncomfortable about race yeah Florida that's horrible it's a moment time man yeah so any divorcees in your wife's book group lesbians they're almost all lesbians really yeah okay and one of them is very progressive and so so progressive that she's open Lesbians, they're almost all lesbians. Really? Yeah. Okay. And one of them is very progressive. So, so progressive that she's open to bringing a guy into her lesbian... That is, that's progressive. That's progressive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's not going to be defined by the word lesbian. No. No. So one of them said, my wife said, they were talking about Wolf of Wall Street, and my wife referred to them as Scheisters, and one of them is Jewish, and she goes, that's anti-Semitic, and she really laid in to her.

And I was like, my wife grew up on the Upper West Side of New York. Yiddish was, every other word was Yiddish. Yes, yes, these are just words. And my wife's Jewish! Oh my gosh! But she's not practicing, the woman's pointing it out. She's like, well you're not practicing. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Are these recorded? I'm done. They should be. Yeah. Wow. How is it they're all lesbians? What's going on with your wife? Are you

nervous? I'm excited. Yeah, I think it's great. Now I I don't know. It's a that's wonderful. We've known them since our there are kids all went to preschool together. So they've been friends. So they became lesbians over time. I think it's because my wife is so hot. Okay. Oh, yeah. She transitioned all of them. Okay. She did.

They're all hopeful. Okay. Got you. Right. Book club. Would you have time for a book club? The one book club I did was there was a book called, you know, Charlie Kaufman. He wrote, sat next to me on a plane once. You did? Yes. First class? Yeah. I remember it was coach. So what happened? Did you recognize him? We did both of us eventually after a little bit yeah wait so his movies were did he do eternal sunshine of the spot in his mind? No he did um the one about the locusts down down south yeah the one about the

flowers oh wait somebody look up Charlie Kaufman. K-A-U-F. Anyway, so. Nick Cage was in it. So how did you know it was him on the plane? I think I could recognize him. I'd seen him before. I forget how it came up, but he knew who I was, I think. But should I be honest?

Yeah. I was drinking then. Yeah. He did Eternal Sunshine. Oh, Eternal Sunshine and Spotless Mind. Did he write it or did the screenplay? Um... Yeah, he wrote the screenplay.

He got the Oscar for it, I think. I think it was John Malkovich. It was Bing John Malkovich. Yeah. And there's one more. And there's one more really big one, the one that was... Adaptation. Adaptation, thank you, sir. He won the Oscar for adaptation.

Yes. Yeah. So I got progressively drunk, and I think by the end he's like, no, thank you. We exchanged numbers. Did you? Yes. Should we call him now? Come on, man. Way.

He wouldn't pick up. Who can we call? No one. Yep. There it is. It's called John C. Riley. Wow. Call John C. Riley. No. Call last time I talked to Riley, he's like, I don't have you in my contacts. I'm like, really?

Really? Who's this? Really? Okay. I forget why I was texting him for about something, you know. Yeah. Whatever. So anyway, Charlie Kaufman wrote this book called Aunt Kind.

Okay. And I had read a review and it looked amazing and I was like, all right, I got to read this. But it was like 570 pages. Yeah, so I was like Alright, the only way I'm gonna get through this if there's a book club, okay, because I was an English major So it was like once a week you had to meet and you had to have read three chapters Okay, so I said it on my podcast I said who wants to be in the Ant-Kind book club and so we had like 30 or 40 people sign up and we got on a Zoom call once a week and we read one or two chapters a week and then we discussed it on the Zoom call.

You had to read it outside if you don't read it during the Zoom. No, you read it outside and then we had a discussion about it. Okay. And we did it for like two and a half months. Two and a half months for the book. Yeah. And people fell off. It went from 40 to 30. I mean it was a death. It was one of the funniest books I've ever read Wow Really free off it gives grapefruit Simmons

Leading this club, it's our even even if I'm lying about reading it. I'm like, I'm gonna catch up. Yeah People fell out they fell out too many we lost about half of them by the end But and there was some characters. There was this one woman who was like not super educated and she was really pushing herself to stay with it. And she got really like motivated and she felt really good about herself. And she'd bring up points that were just very obtuse and funny. And it was an interesting look at it that other people weren't seeing. Yeah it was great but I'd recommend it but it's long. Yeah.

Have you read, what's my favorite, funniest book of all time? JoJo what's the book we love? Confederacy of Dances. I have not read it. That's the top of your list. I've got it. I own it. That's the, oh you do?. Yeah, it's the funniest book of all time. Let's see. You ever read... Some of my favorites are... What's his name? He's a writer out of Missouri. And I read this book years ago. The Living End is the name of the book,

and the writer's from Missouri, and he had done cerebral palsy or something like that. Really? Yes. He also wrote... Oh, gosh, living end. Are you guys looking up, or do I have to? Great writer. Huh? We'll get it. do I have to? Great writer, huh? We'll get it. You'll get it, thank you guys.

Got the crack team over there. Crack team over there. We'll cut this out. This is live, right? No, we don't cut anything out. You leave the warts in, cause that's the fun stuff, yeah. Should I read that?

Dick Gibson show is very funny, right? But the same writer, it's a long one. Okay. It's about a guy, it always reminds me of Phil Hendry. Cause in the book, the guy that comes to the radio studio steals other people's voices. Like you're stealing my voice, he makes them say different things.

So inventive, yes. Is it the Stanley Elkin book? Stanley Elkin, yes. Okay. Give me two more of Elkin's books. Okay, hang on. Dick Gibson Show, The Living End, and? I just.

Ted Bliss, Fires and Kavitskers, George Mills, Franchiser, The Bad Man. Maybe George Mills. Yeah. There's one where. Dick Gibson Show. Dick Gibson Show. The Franchiser. It George Mills. Yeah. There's one where. The Dick Gibson Show. The Dick Gibson Show. The franchisers.

It's a great one. Yeah. Dick Gibson Show. But there's this other one, I forget, maybe it's George. Maybe it's George Mills where he talks about this woman with a very, very large vagina and he keeps coming back to it. It's just so odd, but so beautiful. And then you also know that he's handicapped.

So what's going on in his mind is just, it's stirring. I had, weren't you in the Phil Henry documentary? No, I don't think so. Cause I just had Phil Henry on the show. Oh you did? I love him so much. Oh my God. I think I swore you weren't it, but.

Such an immense talent, which does, now did that show wane over years? Because I remember when I first moved to LA, I would sit in my car. Yep. And listen to it. Same with me. Yep.

I'd be at parties. And me and other guys would go out to the car to listen to Phil Hendry. Yeah. Because it was just so magical. It was magical. And it was like the whole thing was a stunt. But he was so grounded in

it it was like a prank show every single night but yet you were seeing a guy who had a point of view like his politics he didn't wear him on his sleeve they just came out through the characters and the characters were the people that were calling in as much as his own. It was amazing how did that end? I don't know he does a podcast now that I guess is pretty popular. Okay, good. But they did a documentary about him that I think got released, which you should try to find it's streaming. He's just an immense talent. Unrecognized. But the enormity of his talent is almost unspeakable. you can't describe what he does and no one's done it that I know of. No. Because he makes all of this beautiful stuff up. It's a talent beyond my

capacity to understand. Yeah, if you haven't heard Phil Hendry, check him out and listen to the podcast that I look at me looking straight down the barrel and check out the podcast. We did it about, what was that about three months ago, Phil Andree? Yeah, three months ago. I remember meeting him and he knew who I was and that to me was the greatest compliment of all. Oh, no kidding. Wow.

Years ago. Oh my God, you know who I am? Yeah. I mean, I'm on bended knee here. Right. Yeah. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No, I don't fight.

Never, I know, I never have. So I was from a very small town, and I was liked enough. And I was always very small. Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. I didn't grow until I was in high school.

I was five foot tall when I was a freshman in high school. So I wasn't looking to fight. I always had a smart mouth, so I could make people laugh, and like that. We all knew each other in the old town since kindergarten, so what are you gonna do? The new guy has to fight, right? So yeah, I never got in a fight.

And being gay wasn't like a thing in your town. Still isn't. Still isn't. We had a couple of fellas, but no one ever made a big issue about it. No kidding. Yeah. Oh, that's nice.

And we had a very small black community, that was there I don't we're pigmies Mark Twain, um Two pigbies here We had a small African American community and so there wasn't a feeling of racism Although there were they lived across the tracks as sad as that is. Yeah We had a small African American community, and so there wasn't a feeling of racism, although they lived across the tracks, as sad as that is to admit. Yeah, right.

And like me and Frank, Frank is one of the guys from that community, made it out of town in a big way. Like Frank worked at the White House. Get outta here. Frank worked for seven presidents. Yeah, he went to the army, became a communication specialist. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And then after a while yeah went to the army and became a communication

specialist yeah yeah and then after a while he quit the army and then just became a contractor and did the same job so you and him are the big names out of that what's the name of the town Tipton oh yeah to me yeah like me and Frank went on to do something yeah you know like of note yeah if you will yeah and how far is that from st. Louis it was dead center Tipton's dead center you've on to do something, you know, like of note, if you will. And how far is that from St. Louis? It's dead center. Tipton's dead center.

You've seen the show, The Ozarks. Tipton is 40 miles north of the Ozarks. The Ozarks are dead center in Missouri. Got it. And so St. Louis, you consider like your home city pretty much. No, I can't city because my mom is from near there. My sisters all live there. And so my cousins is from near there. Okay. My sisters all live there. And so my cousins were from there too.

And what's the big benefit that you do every year? Big slick. And that's in Kansas City? In Kansas City, yeah. In Kansas City. It's myself and Riggle and Rudd and Stone Street and Sudeikis and Heidi Gardner. And we raise money for Children's Mercy Hospital.

And this year we raised almost $4 million. I couldn't stay for the whole thing because my four million dollars. Yeah. Yeah. And how much is that to cover your guys first class airfare? About a million I'm guessing. That is true. You don't talk about that. Like what it costs to get all these fools here. But it's a great charity. That's amazing. Yeah. 25 million dollars over 15 years. Wow. It goes to pediatric cancer research. And they've made a difference.

That is amazing. They just charted some new thing. Yeah. Because it's all about charting where you can find the genesis and the... how... if that might be prevalent in the family so they can look at it early. So that when you can get an earliest look at what might potentially happen, that's a big deal. So that's all just a swab in the cheek, right? I'm guessing, yeah.

Yeah, I think it's really easy. I'm against it, but. Swabbing your cheek? No, just though. No. All right, let's do fast balls with Fitz. Okay. Fitz balls, oh, Grapefruit Jones. Grapefruit Simmons. Paul what's the

matter you seem very very upset. I always get cough drops for you. Oh I always have a something in my throat. Yeah. You will after the show after all the compliments I gave you. I was given lozenges folks. Lozenges always say like, Dad, you make so many noises. Yeah. Yeah. Now you're going to make more because you're chopping on my leg. I'd rather hear you cough once in a while. You have a good host here.

Yes. I'm a good host, right? I'm talking about you. I'm talking about the young man who runs this deal. You know, how many times you've been on this show? Maybe five. No, way more than that. More than that?

I would say eight. I'd say eight. Yeah. Three weren't great. Three were forgettable. Yeah. All right, so how did you lose your virginity in a small town like that?

I didn't. You lost it after you left town. No kidding. So, how did you lose your virginity in a small town like that? I didn't. You lost it after you left town? No kidding! Who's going to screw around with a smartass? Spit the fucking thing out. Paul, what are you doing to us here? Where did you put a night guard in his mouth?

How quickly compliant was I? Spit that out. You spit that come out of your mouth. Look me in the eye when you do it. You don't swallow my cum, mister. A dirty show. Not until I was a freshman in college. Wow, so high school, did you get close? Was there a girl that you wanted to with? Yeah, but they weren't interested. They weren't interested in you. It's a small town. You've all known each other since, like that, since you were four years old. Yeah, but you're not hard on the eyes.

You got good confidence. Who knows? Maybe just too much. You were too much. I'm too much. Yeah, I could see that. I'd rather get a laugh than a kiss. Right.

Isn't that weird? Right, right. At the time, I think that's what my mind was. So freshman year, you're bottled up like a cannon. You're like a revolutionary who are canon you are ready to go And who is she she in the door? No, her name is Kate and we go We're it's a Benedictine college which just had that controversial speech from but Kurt. Oh, that's right I had to go there because my parents were Catholic

Yeah, and my uncle was the abbot of the monastery associated with the college.. I had to go there because my parents were Catholic. And my uncle was the abbot of the monastery associated with the college. So I had to go there. There was no choice. So obviously Catholic schools, a lot of drinking. And in the first semester of that year, went to some party, got really drunk. And me and this other girl were stumbling home together. And we go and there's a a school yard, bunch of buses. I push open the door, sure enough it opens. We go in there and probably 20, 30 seconds later,

we exit. Like tigers, right? Yes, I remember thinking, I can't believe this is finally happening. It's about time. On a school bus? On a school bus. The most perverted place on the planet to have sex. Children sit in these buses. They'll be in these buses the next day. Now this is before, you know, now a drunk girl would be headlines in the paper the next day. Well, not me. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Me now. Did you date after that or was that just that was a one time? No, I probably should have. Yeah. I really wasn't interested in her to be honest. Uh huh. I don't know what she wanted either. Yeah. But we didn't talk about it much. Right. And then she started dating a guy quickly thereafter. It's a bus. You get on, you get

off, you get where you're going. You don't loiter on the bus. No. You stop. You got off of your stop. I stop. This is it. Bye.

Won't see you tomorrow. But again, that was a very small school too. So anything that's going on is immediately gossiped about. I went from a small town to a small school. I was just like, please, can I just disappear? Yeah. Have you ever not finished a set on stage? This is another Fastballs with Fitz question.

Not to my knowledge. Wow, good for you. Why would I, for what reason? Well, some people, you know, things get ugly and they bail. Oh, no, no, no. Like, no, no. It's because you're a working man. Yeah, I'm gonna finish it.

Yeah, you're a journeyman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's because you're a working man. Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. Yeah, you're a journeyman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done? Oof, wow, how many are there? Ah, hackiest bit I've ever done. Wow, that's a good one. Oof, gosh, it doesn't come to mind. I know there's tons of them.

Well, obviously, going out in the audience is kind of hacky, but they love it. I don't think that's hacky. I will have comics go. That was amazing. Like that bit. Yeah. Comics, who you think are young, is going to judge you as they should. Yeah. And like they're like, that was the most amazing. Like that bit where I go out and say bald guys.

OK. OK, great. Yeah. Yeah. Hackiest. Oh, I can't think. I used to do some ball jokes about myself. Like what? It was like, my kids would say, Dad, don't leave the house without a hat. Like, oh, what's gonna happen? Is there a sniper out there going just wait? Just wait for old ball cue ball to get out here. I'm gonna take him down. Like, don't let that be seen.

I guess that's not that hacky. All right, before we go, I'd be remiss. You do a thing. Well, first of all, I want to give out your tour dates. But there's a lot of them. One of the things you do when you go on the road is you play the Office trivia game with the audience. We added a show a couple of years ago called Office

Trivia with the Real Todd Packers. So I do like four or five standup shows and there'll be an added show, usually on a Saturday afternoon, a matinee. We do a four o'clock Office Trivia hosted by The Real Todd Packer. The guy I tour with and have for years, Rob Mayer came up with the idea and wrote the subsequent trivia questions with three rounds of trivia. I come out and host as Todd Packer. People love that show so much.

It's crazy. So that show will sell out before my shows. No kidding. Yep But then that pushes people to the stand. I think so. I think so right whatever works, right? All right We've got my staff over here. We got what do we have five people? Okay all office fans I know my daughter is a huge office fan. She's probably seen she's, what, about four times all the way through? That's mild. We have people watch it 50 times. I've never watched. So I won't- Is that right? That's correct. Not to be, look, I just finished The Sopranos, okay? I'm still waiting for trivia questions from Reaper's Night and Birth and Hathaway.

I can't wait for it to happen. Those are gonna be your next trivia nights. Yes. Alright so I'm gonna ask you to ask them three office trivia questions. Whoever wins I'm gonna buy lunch for after the show. Alright how many children does Meredith have? Is number one. Where does Rainn Wilson stash the chandelier he stole from Tiffany's? Got it? What was the first episode Todd Packer was in, what was it called? Wow.

What's the episode called where Kevin spills his chili? I think that's five isn't it? One more. One more. I should know. I'm giving away, you know, these are the ones I hear every week, right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, how many love bumps does Todd Packers say he has on his ding dong? I always say this in the show remember folks I play the character Todd Packer I'm not Todd Packer the number of love bumps on my ding-dong is zero. All right gang who wants to tag in first one? Anybody? How many kids does Meredith have? Don't be looking it up. How many kids does Meredith have? Don't be looking it up.

Two. Two. She does? I never pictured her having kids. What was the second one? Where does Rainn Wilson stash the chandelier? Is that question number two? Was it? Yep. It's in the city of Berlin. Okay, zero for zero again. Okay. What was the next one? What was the first episode I was in?

What was the title of the first episode that you were in? Todd Packer's in. What is it? Pac-Man? It's usually a multiple choice question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sexual harassment. Oh, yes. Here's another thing. I knew that. What is it, Pac-Man? It's usually a multiple choice question. Sexual harassment. Oh, yes.

I knew that. Here's another thing. I tell this story at the show. At NBC, I was told a couple years later, at NBC they have sensitivity training for all new employees. Obviously, you had to cover sexual harassment for sensitivity training. I've been told they air the clip from that show with Todd Packer to cover sexual harassment So at NBC one could say I am the face of sexual harassment. Thank you very much. Thank you. It's amazing

It's a compliment Alright, how many bumps? Got a couple love bumps on the ding-dong that's a couple or two Got a couple love bumps on the ding-dong, that's a couple or two. Couple, we'll give it two. Two. Last one. You stumped the staff, you just saved me $12 on a burrito. Is that right?

Really? Thank you. Do they want to share one burrito? No, the winner got a burrito. A lunch, I said. There's no winners here, there's only losers. There's just losers. How's it feel?

A burrito for $12. A truck, we go to the truck. Is that too expensive or too cheap for a burrito for $12. A truck. We go to the truck. Is that too expensive or too cheap for a burrito, sir? There's no $12 burrito here. It's $15, $17. Because we're in Santa Monica. No, we're in Beverly Hills. Beverly Wood, I'd call this, right?

Castle Heights. Castle Heights. Sounds dirty. Yeah. Yeah. There's no $12 brio in the neighborhood. I think if you go to a food truck, you might get close. You might get close to twelve dollars. As they lay dying.

Yeah. Yeah. As I lay down, we're going to we're going to read that. We're going to put clips out. I'm going to check in with you. In the meantime, people are going to come see you live. Yep. Next this weekend. This weekend, the show won't be on. OK. St. Louis Funny Bone on July 12th and 13th. Gonna be a banger. Birmingham, Alabama July 26th through 28th.

That won't be hot. It's gonna be not, won't be humid. Rochester, New York to cool it off on August 2nd and 3rd. You've been there, I love that club. Oh yeah. Mark up there. Cincinnati, August 8th, August 9th, 8th, 9th and 10th. Lexington, Missouri.

Really? It says MI, is that Missouri? No, and 10th. Lexington, Missouri? Really? It says MI, is that Missouri? No, that's Mississippi. Oh, Michigan, or Mississippi. Oh, Michigan. I don't know what I'm doing up there. I'm doing several different things up there.

Okay. Yeah, I'm throwing out a first pitch somewhere. What day is that? August 23rd. 23rd, okay. So I think we might be doing a trivia show one night, and then the next night I throw out the first pitch on my birthday.

Have you done that before? Yes. How'd you do? Fine. Was it a strike? No, it's just across the plate. Across the plate. Yeah.

That's all you gotta do. Someone told, Jay Moore said, don't try to be funny. Yeah. And he's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't try to be funny, it's just gonna look stupid. Yeah. Just get it over.

Stanford, Connecticut, September 6th and 7th, Des Moines, Iowa in September, Bay Salt, Colorado in September, Wheeling, West Virginia in September, Buffalo in September, Jesus, September, you're gone. David Keckner, K-O-E-C-H-N-E-R.com for tickets. My friend, it is always a pleasure. Always grateful to see you. You're the best.

We are. And now on camera, I blow you. But that's never been done. It'll take about an hour and a pleasure. Always grateful to see you. You're the best. We are. And now on camera, I blow you. But that's never been done. It'll take about an hour and a half. And after an hour and a half, you know what? Let's just call it. Let's just call it. I throw a white flag.

Yeah, thank you. You're just rubbing your jaw. I'm just tired. This is great because it really tightens up the skin. I'm very happy. My daughter's face in the opposite direction. Occasionally looking backward. All right, this is Grapefruit Simmons and Dave Chesner. As I lay dying. God bless. you