Fitzdog Radio - Gilbert Gottfried, Remembered

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

From 2016, The great Gilbert Gottfried makes Greg laugh for an hour.

The following podcast is brought to you by the fine people over at Amazon.com. You know Amazon, you go there and you buy kinky shit for your wife, maybe a little something for... You could kill somebody on Amazon. You could buy rat poison. Oh, yeah? I mean, it's... Can I get a good deal on it? Well, it depends.

If you want to kill somebody the old-fashioned way and just go knife, I think you can get a bow. Can you get, like, weapons on Amazon? Oh, I don't know. I've never ordered them. No. I would imagine you can get a weapon of some sort, maybe an axe, and then you go— See, that would be—do people actually get killed with axes in real life, or is that just movies? I think that in, not in our part of the country.

Yeah. But I think if you go down south. Oh, then there's a lot of axe murders. There's axe murders, yeah. Because the term axe murderer is like, you know, it's a strong, much more colorful and being shot or stabbed. Oh, yeah. I think when you go on a job interview to kill somebody and you slide a business card across the desk that says axe murder on it. Oh, this is specialized.

Yeah. This guy's going to leave a mark. Yeah. Yeah. So go to Amazon through FitzDawg.com, click on the link, and then shop as usual knowing you can help the show. Do it. Don't be a douche. And now here's the podcast.

Welcome to FitzDawg Radio. My guest today is a beautiful man. Yes. Yes, I really am. What would you say is your most attractive feature? Oh, I'm just head to toe Scarlett Johansson. Yeah, I am. It's hard not to look at you.

Yes, yeah. It's just hypnotic. It's like Bill Cosby. It's hypnotic. You don't know why you're feeling hypnotized. Yeah, you don't know why you're feeling hypnotized. Yeah. You don't know where you were the night before or why your pants are missing. Now, you're a comedian.

You've been around Bill Cosby. What was that like? I've done two appearances, like one on his original Huxtable show and one when he came back with the other things. And yeah, one time I complained I had a headache and he brought me some pills. And did you feel shameful later? Yes. I felt unclean the next day.

But he said to me, That's how he comes? Yes. That's what it sounds like when he orgasms? Yes. As he was having sex with me. He was bumping up and down. Hoosie, goosie, hoosie, ooh.

Hoosie, ooh. The worst part is, if you're almost in a REM cycle with your drugging, you might wake up because of the noise. He's got to give you a little extra to keep you under for this. And then there'd be that mixed thing where I'd go, hey, you know, I don't want to be raped right now, but it is the voice of Fat Albert. So maybe when he comes, he'll go hey hey hey but I bet I bet he wears the hat

you know the guy that pulled the hat down over his face oh yes he probably wears that over his face I mean it's sort of like I wonder to be raped has got to be the worst thing in the world. Is it worse or better to be raped by a big celebrity?

I would think you have more bragging rights if you're raped by a big celebrity. Like, I was, I think it was at the Tonight Show. by a big like i was i think it was at the tonight show and there was some makeup woman there who i'd never worked with before and she's applying my makeup and before even saying before we barely said hello not not uh even how are you look how I think it may rain later, nothing like that. She immediately goes into, at least according to her, that Steven Seagal raped her. And it's like, you can see this was like she played it up, like she was horrified. But it was a, you could tell. It was a humble brag.

Yes, yes. Because then later on, somebody said, the other makeup woman said, oh, who did you do? Have you had your makeup on already? And I said, someone else did. And she goes, oh, the one who was raped by Steven Seagal. That's her icebreaker. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sure when she gets into a cab, it's like, oh, yeah, take me to I Was Rape by Steven Seagal to Fifth Avenue. In a restaurant. How was your day? Yeah. Better than the day I was raped by Steven Seagal, for sure. Yeah. Once you sit down in a restaurant, yes, would you like to order? Well, I was raped by Steven Seagal.

I'll have the chicken and rice. Oh, God, poor Steven Seagal. And just as a disclaimer on the show, of course, we have to say. We don't know that she was. We don't know that she was. We don't know that she was raped by Steven Seagal. You know, it's it's it's hard to know. But I would like to get her on the show. Claude Van Damme.

Yeah. Right. Right. If she could. If she could. If she could have chosen. It could have been Jeff. What was that?

Jeff Speakman. Was he another action hero. What was that? Jeff Speakman? Was he another action hero? Yeah, he was. Yeah, for a shorter while. Yeah. You have an uncanny recall for movie trivia, right? I mean, you know everything. I'm going to ask you a trivia question right now, see if you know it about movies.

Uh-oh. Let's see. Uh-oh. Let's see. Who directed Channing Tatum's first film? Wow. I should know this because, you know, Channing Tatum, they asked him, does he have a nickname for his penis? Oh, really?

I didn't know that. Yeah, and Channing Tatum said he calls it Gilbert. Wow, you're on the map now. I'm hanging between Channing Tatum's legs. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I was so honored by that.

And so in a sense, all these hot starlets that he's banging. It's Gilbert. Gilbert's in there. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Who's the hottest chick in Hollywood? You mentioned Scarlett Johansson before.

I would put her in my top two sexiest women. Oh, who's the other? I hate to say it. It sounds old school. Angelina Jolie. Oh, who's the other? I hate to say it, but it sounds old school. Angelina Jolie. Oh, okay. See, now, of the two, because she always put those two together, of the two, I always wanted to fuck Jennifer Aniston first. Why Jennifer Aniston?

Because of the feet. Great feet. Yeah. I don't know what it is. I thought if, you know, because I always picture that they're always in the tabloids. Yeah. Two pictures. Right.

But yeah, I don't know. Her, I always thought of as more sexy than Angelina Jolie, who I, if, I mean, if she's begging to fuck me, I would. Right, right. Did you have, do you have any sex with famous women in your life? No. Never once? No, not even semi-famous. Not even an extra in a fairly popular movie.

In a fairly popular movie. Not even a girl who was sitting way in the back in a lunchroom scene on Saved by the Bell. No. So nobody thought that you could help them if they're such a dad. Yeah, isn't that horrible? I mean, these actresses are so desperate for anything. Not that desperate. Yeah, isn't that horrible? I mean, these actresses are so desperate for anything. Not that desperate. Yeah, yeah.

They look at me and go, he can't get me anywhere. Right, right. Wow. And now, you know what's funny? Because when you think about sexy actresses and models, years ago, they used to be like these ones that you could put like in a punchline or if you were talking to your friends, like saying, hey, you know, if you had to kill someone, but you had a chance to fuck so and so. There aren't those ones around now. There are beautiful girls. Right. But not like a Marilyn Monroe.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. now there are beautiful girls right but not there's not like a marilyn monroe yes yeah yeah or i guess like like or cindy crawford used to be like that or pam anderson was like that and or but yeah or brigitte bardot years ago yeah there's not that well because women are they don't play as female as they used to. As soon as they get successful, they want to do stuff that doesn't define them as just female. Oh, yes. Yeah, it used to be like, hey, you know, imagine if you were stuck in an elevator with Raquel Welch. And that was, now you don't find that. No, we need that.

We need a bombshell who's not afraid to come off as, you know, just purely sexy. Yes. Not a mover and a shaker who's going to do a fucking indie film and just a dumb, big titted, you know, sex pot. I love these girls that go, oh, well, these actresses who say, oh, I can't just play the girlfriend. Yeah. Play the fucking girlfriend. Right.

You know an actress who, she was never really a sex pot, but I always admired her because she seems like one of these actresses who'll take the part of the girlfriend or wife and that's renee russo yes she seems like she's you know she's working right you know if you wanted to be the girlfriend or the wife yeah that's fine yeah she's and she'll play above her age you know who's like that as well is um uh she won the oscar three years ago for that movie that was set in canada um melissa leo yeah i to her i don't know if no you'd know her it's weird she won an oscar and the oscar fucks up your career doesn't it oh my god of course the curse is real i was gonna say oh my god like i know because because i I won one for how to be a player. Have you ever been nominated for something?

The only thing I was ever really nominated for was the Ace Awards. Oh, the Cable Ace Awards. Yeah, which nobody outside of the Ace Awards knows about. I won one. You won one? I won one. Oh, the Cable Ace Awards. Yeah, which nobody outside of the Ace Awards knows about. I won one. You won one? I won one. Oh, see? And I mean-

And you were nominated, though. Yeah, I lost at the Ace Awards. You lost at the Cable Ace Awards. Yeah, I lost. Did you show up to the ceremony? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what the hell?

I didn't go. Because there's food there. But I lost. What was it for? A stand-up special? Oh, it was Up All Night. Of course. You know, best host.

Yeah. Up All Night. Yeah. And I lost. I couldn't even get an Ace Award. Who did you lose to? Oh, God, I don't remember. Probably Tracy Ullman.

Yeah, of course. Doing another one-woman show. Yes. With all new characters. Oh, yes. Every year for 20 years. I never understood those. Never once.

It was literally like my thumb was on Adderall when it had the remote control in my hand. Oh, yes. And she was on TV. Yeah. I never understood it. It was like, well, it's just like I never understood one man or one woman shows. I don't get the point. Right.

To them. You know, it's like any of those shows like Defending the Caveman or Only the Truth is Funny. And because I always feel like it's. And, you know, then I was walking and my neighbor came over and said, hey, your lawn looks bad. And then the audience. See, what's good about a one man show is like stand-up, and you have to be funny every second. Right. On a one-man show, you talk for like 20 minutes, and then if you say, and I couldn't find my socks, and then the audience will go, oh, that kind of sounds funny yeah yeah they're too easy

yeah it's like it's like if you do a benefit for really liberal people oh yeah like an npr benefit oh they like you ever listen to wait wait don't tell me it's the least funny show i've ever heard in my life it's on npr every week and fucking, you make one little pun, you make a pun and they lose their shit. Meanwhile, you know, they, if you do a one-man show, all you gotta do is find those spots where you go like,

and then my dog got sick and my dad took me out to the garage and we said goodbye to Fluffy that day. And then you just hold it. You cry. You do the show for a year.

You cry every night at the same fucking spot. The audience is like bawling their eyes out at that point. But with the exception, I'll make some exceptions about the one-man show. Colin Quinn does great one-man shows. Oh, yeah. Have you seen his? I haven't seen his. Why would you not go see Colin Quinn does great one-man shows. Oh, yeah. Have you seen his? I haven't seen his. Why would you not go see Colin Quinn's

show? He's a friend of yours. Yeah, but I can't see comedians. Can't watch them. Really? Yeah. Just never? Yeah. It's like, you know, it's like when you're a comic and you watch another comic, you go, yeah, that's funny.

Yeah. I see what he did there. Yeah. You're not laughing. You're kind of deconstructing what the guy's doing. Oh, yeah, he kind of twisted it around until I said,

yeah, okay, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty clever. It's never funny. It's maybe clever. Yeah. Like, you know, just mail me. Can you just mail me your jokes so I can read them? Do I have to go to a club and eat chicken wings?

Yeah. And, you know, to make it even easier, circle apart where you do a switch or you do something unexpected. Yeah. Okay. unexpected yeah okay yeah just like yeah with the yellow marker you know putting oh this is where i i switch it around okay okay i see that you were going this way and oh highlighter it's kind of like when you pick up a book that was a used book and you see like parts circled and an arrow. I feel like, yeah, send me the joke and put a circle, a yellow highliner, and an arrow. And put an asterisk on your closing bit just so I know it started.

And then if there is crowd work, just know, just put that in italics. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you should put on the bottom, a man, dark skinned man, not sure Indian or Middle Eastern. So I'll understand the terrorist joke or something. Or why you started doing a Gandhi imitation. And why did I come to the comedy club? Why is the man talking to me? And then just take a photo of the whole crowd so I can see from your point of view what you're looking at. Just give me a

couple snapshots, slide that in in oh and and if you do anything that could be in any way deemed racist have a photo of a black guy laughing underneath it right look he's laughing it's okay everybody i love that in comedy specials when they do. And, you know, you're walking down the street and you run into a black guy. And then they zoom right to that one black guy who's laughing. And it's like, oh, it's okay. See, it's not racist.

He's not offended. You do a joke about a fat woman. Oh, yeah. you do a joke about a fat woman oh yeah you have a fat woman bouncing up and down the chair with a double chin shaking as she's laughing and you go oh see fat people like that kind of stuff you do a show you do a joke about cunts and it just cuts to these two college girls you zoom in on a vagina laughing. Becomes like a Fellini film. Just absurd objects.

Quick, get a close-up on the laughing vagina. It's like... Can you press the button for that laughing vagina noise? This guy's a real asshole. Zoom. Just a spider-shaped brown asshole laughing. You know, hairs around it. Now, as we're talking,

there's a, suddenly there's a Zabruder film being shot. Two guys have come in. They both have beards. They look very well-mannered. Well, yeah, to cover the fact that they're gay. Yeah. They both have beards. They very well to cover the fact that they're gay yeah they both have beards they have a woman that stands next to him saying oh i'm his girlfriend she's just a prop whichever one she's close to do you know no i'm fucking him yeah yeah i i'll i'll never forget when

you know when the news first started coming out like like that was some big news that Richie Martin, Ricky Martin was gay. Yeah. And so there was this article that came out and you go, oh, God, you could you could smell the PR company's hands on this. Yeah. PR company's hands on this. Yeah. And this girl, like a pretty girl, like some aspiring actress or model, was going, oh, I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for saying this, but I've been having sex with Ricky Martin.

And boy, oh boy, he knows how to please a woman in bed. Yeah. Meanwhile, she's built like a weightlifter and he only fucks her in the ass. And even then she has to put on a paste-on mustache. He puts, anytime I'm fucking, he puts his fist in front of my vagina and he shakes it up and down like he's playing dice. What does that mean? Yeah, and in bed he calls me Harvey.

Sometimes I wear the mustache that has the little ring nose that you buy in the gummies jeans. He's really kinky. I don't know what it is he likes to have sex with me and another guy he likes to double team me but they don't pay that much attention to me really and as he's fucking me he's staring

at a poster of Justin Bieber he cuts the face out and he glues it to my forehead He's the poster of Justin Bieber. He cuts the face out and he glues it to my forehead. Oh, Ricky, you're out now. He's out now, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's fully out.

God bless him. You ever had a gay experience? No. What's the closest you ever came to a gay experience let's see oh i remember walking in central park and uh this uh black guy with like a kind of like west indian accent he's like, trying to start a conversation with me, walking along. And I'm like, what's this guy talking to me for? I was like, really like a teenager at the time. And I'm just walking along giving one word answers. And then he goes, you want to suck the dick? You want to suck the dick?

And I turned around and immediately walked in the other direction. And he yells out angrily, what are you, a racist? Because you're so obviously gay, that could be the only reason. Oh, yes. Oh, and another time, I was on the train. And see, this is bad because you need me to make my racist Asian face. Yeah, which is your face anyway. Exactly.

Imagine my face, but even more. Imagine an Al Hirschfeld caricature of my face. And that's my offensive Asian face, where you really do the buck teeth. Yeah, the wispy mustache. Yeah. And you squint your eyes. Extra, extra. Squint your eyes. Extra, extra.

And I remember I was on the subway and this old Chinese guy, he's looking at me from the other side of the subway. And as he's getting off the train, he goes over to me with his cane, like, starts tapping my ankle with it, like, as a signal, like, you know, let's go out here so I can do a buck teeth face and scream. Oh, my God. He starts riding you like a rickshaw. Oh, yeah. Wow. He's hitting you with the cane.

That's like that Republican move. Remember in the bathroom stall at the airport? Oh, my God, yeah, where he put his hand under the stall and was tapping. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's where most people found out about that move. Yeah. Yeah. I never, I, that's, I think that's where most people found out about that, that move. Right. I think it's like some kind of a Republican mating dance. You know, you tap, you tap your toe and you kick over and you move your hand. And then, I mean, first of all,

if I'm taking a shit, I'm not feeling that sexual. Like if you, if you want to hit on me. Well, when I'm taking a shit, I get a raging heart on. Yeah, give yourself a blumpkin. You know what a blumpkin is, right? I've heard that. It's when a girl blows you while you're taking a dump at the same time. Oh, I've never had a blumpkin. No.

I mean, that takes commitment from your girlfriend. Yeah. That means you're truly a dump at the same time. Oh, I've never had a Blumpkin. No. I mean, that takes commitment from your girlfriend. Yeah. That means you're truly in love. Yeah. You're really in love. And how long have you been married for? Oh, God, a while. 12 years?

I've never had a Blumpkin. Never? Well, look. It's kind of like I kind of felt like Red Buttons when I said that. And he never had a Blumpkin. I don't know. I don't know Red Buttons' voice. Red Buttons, he was an old comedian, and he had this bit.

It was like where he'd go, and he'd go up there and go, It's very nice to be at this dinner honoring Bob Hope. But let's talk about the people who never had a dinner. And he'd do a joke and go, and he never had a dinner. And then he'd do another joke about someone famous and go, and he never had a dinner. Right, right. So in other words, he would do his act under the pretense of this. He never had a dinner.

That's great. I love it. How many roasts have you done? Oh, I lost track. A million, right? Yeah. I mean, it seems that way, but there were a couple that were never, weren't aired. They were just for the friars.

Right, right. Were never, weren't there. They were just for the friars. Right, right. And, but yeah, let's see, the Bob Saget, Joan Rivers, Roseanne, David Hasselhoff. Wow. No, I'm leaving some out. Oh, shit.

Yeah, those were fun. Do you get help writing your jokes or you do them yourself? I'm going to say, oh, I did it all myself. Yeah. Wow. That's intense. Most people have like 12 writers faxing them stuff. Yeah.

It's too much. I want to mention, by the way, the Gilbert Godfrey's amazing, colossal podcast, which you got to be careful because I know that, who was it just put out a, somebody just put out a CD that they called their super amazing special and Ralphie May jumped all over them on Twitter and said,

who the fuck are you to say that your special is so wonderful? Oh, wow. You know Ralphie May? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so be careful. It's on iTunes.

It's on the sideshownetwork.tv and gilbertgodfrey.com. Please rate and subscribe. Sideshow Network, what is that? Some network. You have no idea. Here's how I picture you doing a podcast. Yes.

There's people like these two young men here that handle you, that set the equipment up, and you sit down and you talk and then you're done. Absolutely. Yeah. I don't know. I barely, I'm sitting here. I was having trouble, like, setting the mic up just to talk into. Right, right.

I saw that. And so, yeah, that stuff, I'm like, you know, your great grandparents know more about technical stuff than I do. Right. Well, the key to the podcast is, and I've listened to it and it's amazing. It really is an amazing, colossal podcast. So are you doing it out in L.A.? Is that why you're out here? Oh, well, I'm doing, what am I doing now?

The Riot something, the, what is that called? Riot Fest? Riot Fest. Yeah, right. Downtown, it's some stand-up date. Tonight? Yeah, tonight. This podcast won't air until tomorrow. Oh, right. Downtown at some stand-up date. Tonight? Yeah, tonight. I should be. This podcast won't air until tomorrow.

Oh, okay. So I, last night. How did it go last night? It was good? Oh, it was amazing. Was it a riot? Yeah, yeah. It was an absolute riot.

It was amazing how well that did. Did you get laid after the show? Oh, I got so much pussy and famous pussy. I was turning down hot looking girls because they weren't famous enough. Yeah, yeah. Do you have a black guy with a red velvet rope around your cock? Yes. And one of those queens from E! interviewing the women before they fuck you.

Who are some other actresses that you'd like to fuck? Oh, I would say Natalie Portman. Absolutely. Yeah. Even though we're so old, it's almost like pedophilia to want to fuck her. You know what's weird? There was that first movie where everyone got familiar with her. Star Wars, right?

No, no, that movie, The Professional. Yeah. And that was a total kiddie porn movie. It was. Yeah, there's no way around that one. Yeah. And, I mean, she was like, I don't know, like 14 or something. And they had her in like these tight, hot pants.

Yeah. And then at one point, she's with him and they play a little game with her grown man friend. Does the average person in their apartment, in their closet, have full Marilyn Monroe costumes and Madonna costumes? She was coming out. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. She'd come out as Marilyn Monroe and sing, like, you know, happy birthday, Mr. President. And then come out as Madonna and do all these different sex symbols.

And she was coming out dressed, and it's like, it's one of the, well, it's kind of like those fantasies you have when you're masturbating. You go, well, all right, plot-wise, it doesn't make any sense. But I'm going to play some props in the closet. Yeah. For my masturbatory fantasy. It sounds like you jerked off to this. Yeah. I jerked off to Natalie Portman, certainly.

But here's the question. Why not? Here's the moral question, Gilbert Godfrey, and I'll put this to you on the national airways of Fitz Dog Radio. Is it a crime to jerk off to Natalie Portman in the professional? Well, uh, you know, that's an interesting plot point.

We'll have to bring in who was that, that, that lawyer who defended OJ, not Kardashian, that, that other guy, Lee's some, that big famous lawyer.

Or who was the lawyer in the monkey trials? You know, like the evolution, teaching evolution. They got the big lawyer that Spencer Tracy played. Or, yeah, they'd have to be brought in on it. Right, right. I did an episode of Hannah Montana. You did? Yes.

With that David Ketch. I can't remember his name. David Ketchner. Kekner. Kekner, yes. And he was on it. And I remember there was one, I hardly ever spoke to her. I just, I think I said hello to her once or twice. Was she a kid at this point or more of a teenager? wearing a pair of tight denim short shorts.

And so I'm going to say, I'm not going to say whether or not I jerked off that night because I don't know exactly how old she was. And because I'd hate to say, hey, you know, remember that show I did with you? I jerked off that night. And she'll go, oh, I was seven. When I did, yeah, I'll go, ooh. Oh, okay. I meant jerked off like was lazy. That's what I meant.

I meant that's my way of saying slacking off. I slacked off. I just watched TV and read comic books. That's what I mean by jerked off. Like, were you busy yesterday? Nah, took it easy. Jerked off. And he says, thank God, because I was only seven.

Yeah. That would have been horrible if you had actually taken your cock in your hand. Yes. And moved it up and down. And squirted. Yeah. Oh, God. Well, this brings up another ethical question.

Yes. Because I went through this recently. Some of my best masturbatory fantasies go back to you know high school yeah and the girls that you know you looked up their skirts when they were in their field hockey uniforms walking up the stairs oh yeah and the sunlight would come streaming in during math class and you're fucking bored but you look over and jill garfunkel's tan thigh is being hit by the sunshine and there's just that little sheen oh yeah blonde hair on top of it. And you just go home and you just, you practically jerk it off your body.

Oh, yes. And I go back to that. And I was thinking the other day, I pulled the yearbook off the shelf. And I found Jill Garfunkel's picture. Oh. And I jerked off to her. And then I thought, she's underage in this picture. And I'm 49. Is that wrong, or am I grandfathered in because I jerked off when I was also underage?

Well, see, I was thinking more the other way. I'm thinking, so this Garfunkel, Jill Garfunkel, the bad part is you're jerking off to a picture when she was a kid, but she could be in a wheelchair now. Right. And like weigh 700 pounds and have no teeth. You don't, or she, you haven't been in touch with her. No. She could be dead now. Right.

And so it's necrophilia. It's pedophilia, necrophilia. She could be dead now. Right. And so it's necrophilia. It's pedophilia and necrophilia. Yes. In one act. Yes. So I should go find her. I should, if you're out there, Jill Garfunkel.

Should I say her real name? Yeah. Is that illegal? Well, it's too late now. Jill Garfunkel, if you're out there. And then you're going to find out, you're going to call and it'll be her husband and say, oh, yeah, we buried her seven years ago. And it's like, ah, damn it. Or you get more turned on. Oh, yeah.

And you go to the cemetery and Hannah Montana and like Selena Gomez. Waverly Play, Wizards of Waverly Play. Yes, all of those shows that are on Disney and Nickelodeon, where I feel like there's an unwritten rule that you can watch it as long as you pretend you don't want to fuck the lead girl. Right. Because, I mean, with those shows, you're always wondering, oh, the girls look hot on those shows. But you're always going, oh, but wait a minute. How old is this girl?

Yeah. Yeah. I found with Hannah Montana, my kids still watch Hannah Montana. Yeah. And it used to be when she was little, I would be like, all right, Hannah Montana, and I'd go about my business. But she got to be a teenager, and I was like, slide over, kids. Let daddy sit down. Yeah.

This is pretty hot. Yeah. And now she's doing a show on HBO with Woody Allen. Oh, my God. This isn't perfect. He is such a sick fuck. Yeah. You know he's going to be making out with her.

He still makes out with these young starlets. He casts them in his movies. So he may be a sick fuck, but he's living the life. He's living the life, man. If you're a director, it's very simple. You like a hot starlet and you're good enough, you cast her in the life. Live in the life, man. If you're a director, it's very simple. You like a hot starlet and you're good enough, you cast her in your movie.

Yeah. You can do anything you want with her. Oh, yeah. It's just like, like that girl from Saved by the Bell who was in Showgirls.

That Elizabeth Berkley. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they say she was like fucking the director. The whole, practically on the set. No kidding. Fucking him. Wow, she was hot.

Oh, totally hot. I thought, see, this is going to get sick too. I thought she was hotter on Saved by the Bell, where she was probably. She was seven. Now I'll probably run into her, and she'll go, oh, I was five. It's a thought crime.

Yes. Yeah. Which, you know, they can get you for now. I was just reading about this guy and somehow he got into looking at underage girls' photos online. Oh, yeah. And then somebody told him about a chat room. And so he started chatting looking at underage girls' photos online. Oh, yeah. And then somebody told him about a chat room, and so he started chatting with these underage girls. And then one of them said, do you want to meet for a picnic?

And he said, sure. And then there he goes off to this park, and he's walking across the field, and the girl is like an undercover agent. He doesn't even get to the blanket, and they come over and they tackle him and handcuff him. He's been in jail for like a year and a half. Oh, geez. And you go, well, I don't know about that.

And the girl turns out to be this big fat guy with a badge. Right. Yeah, going, who's on the phone going, yes, I'm a three-year-old girl. I made poopy in my pants. No, there should be a payoff. If you put yourself at that much risk, they should at least have to use a real three-year-old as bait. Just for that one moment that you might have with her before they handcuff you.

Well, like, remember, who was that? Chris Hansen used to do those. Oh, yeah, the Predator? Yeah, oh, yeah. To catch a Predator? And with those, what I always found weird was, well, number one, could they really arrest those guys now? Because isn't that under law entrapment?

Seems like it. Isn't that under law entrapment? Seems like it. And also, these guys would be like these total nerdy, like weirdos, you know, like too shy to even walk around. And I felt like, wait a minute, these are guys I could beat up. I mean, they're not big and posing guys. And they'd have like, you know, when they walk out,

they'd be like 20 quarterbacks with guns and clubs leaping on them. Dressed as a bush. Yes. Dressed as a bush, but in the kitchen,

which didn't make any sense. Oh, yeah. And you think, like, these are guys you could go, anyone, a little old lady can walk over and go, okay, you're under arrest, and he'd go with her. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. Now, have you ever gotten involved in child pornography in any way?

Because you have the look. Just publishing it. I never read it, but I would publish it because there was a big profit in it. Now, what is this? We got cameras. What are we filming here? I have no idea. We're in the middle of the interview see this is something okay here's something that makes no sense even to me okay uh and my wife somehow is connected with this this guy with the beard. Yeah. He looks like the boss. Yeah.

And he had an idea to make a documentary about me. Oh, I love it. Yeah. You like that idea? Yeah, because people want to know about what you're really like because any comic that seems to have a persona, people want to know behind the scenes, but the thing that you realize with you is,

it's not a persona. You're actually like this. But gee, do I have anything to gain by this? I can't imagine. You know, you do Carolines once a year. You gotta sell those tickets. You know, the Friday Night Late Show is a little bit light. So, yeah, why not spend a year making a film?

But if you're going to make a film, why can't it be like Godfather 4 or something? Well, we could be more dramatic. You want to be more dramatic in our podcast? Oh, yes. You betrayed me, Gilbert. Oh, here's what gets me. Those things in movies. When someone has betrayed, like, the big mafia chief,

they won't go like, hey, you know, you fuck, you betrayed me, bang, bang, bang, you're dead. It always has to be, you know know in the 1930s in switzerland they had what was called the rain beetle and this was a beetle they prayed to and and they go into this long lengthy explanation yeah and there's always a very small cup of coffee they're sipping from. Oh, yes, yes. They're sipping, and they're going in, like they're talking like these college professors.

Like this, that somehow after this, like, hour-long story, they get to the point. Yeah, and then they kill him. Yeah, yeah. And you realize, well, he's dead anyway. Were you trying to teach him something before he died forever? It's true.

There's like a whole ceremony. And you wonder, are you doing it for your underlings that are all watching? Oh, yeah. Like, what's this thesis that you wrote out? No, it's true. And the Godfather movies, Brian De Palma, they just did a rerun of him when he was on The Stern Show. Yeah. Now, you're a big Stern fan.

Yeah. Yeah, I've been on once or twice. You've been on about 50 times. Yeah. 50 would be under. I think I've been on The Stern Show more times than Stern has been on. No shit. Yeah, you used to be on all the time.

Oh, yeah, yeah. How long has it been? Because wasn't there a little thing about you saying that he's not having on the regulars anymore? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty much lucky to get on Arthur Godfrey's show. Well, you need to get back on because here's my theory is I think they're going to have start. Because I've done the show like 50 times. Yeah.

But I think they're going to start having comics on more because they they just had on a guy the other day, Kyle Dunnigan, who does impressions. And and it was a hit. And the listeners were saying they loved it. I think they need to alternate between the A-list guests and some of the other guests. Yeah. They were, I mean, for a while it was, I mean, there was that article that came out. Right. That Stern had some woman who was his, basically his L. Ron Hubbard, that she was controlling

everything. Yeah. And not his wife. Right. Yeah, that she was like controlling everything. Yeah. And not his wife. Right. Yeah. And she's what? She's the new director over there?

Yes, something. It was in some article. Yeah. I have no idea. I remember, I don't know that we've met briefly a few times, but the only time I ever spent any time with you, We've met briefly a few times, but the only time I ever spent any time with you, there was a writer who wrote about comedy named Donna Ko. Do you remember her?

Oh, yeah. And we went to her funeral, and then we went out to lunch, me, you, and Rick Newman from Catch a Rising Star. And we went to a place on the Upper West Side, and that's the only time I ever hung out with you. Wow. Remember Donna Ko? Yes, yes. Very sweet lady.

Yeah, and I remember, yeah, I remember going to the funeral. Yeah. And then we went to lunch, and then we all ate. And then, and they told me you would do this. They said, watch this. Gilbert will not put in money for the check. And sure enough, check comes, and you're like i gotta go and you just stood up and left well i i was i it was a funeral and i was very upset i was so overcome with grief

that i i didn't even remember to take my wallet with me that's how upset I was when the waiter came over and said, here's your check. I couldn't even hear him. He reminded you of Donna Ko so much. Yes, yes. And my sobbing just deafened me to the sound of him going, are you paying in cash or credit card? You said credit card. That sounds like co, co, co. I had to be carried out crying.

Yeah. Yeah. But you are famous for this. You are famously cheap. Yes. And yet you've got plenty of money now. We know that. You did the-

And that's why it sucks to be married because now when you get married it's like someone punching a hole in a balloon full of money right yeah it just goes away flying out yes and you bought a house is it in new york city uh yeah an apartment you got an apartment yeah isn't that weird you work so hard you're successful and you live in a fucking apartment that's the thing about New York. But that's the thing in Manhattan. In Manhattan, it's like what they consider, whatever any place outside of Manhattan considers a lot of money is a joke in Manhattan. That is a joke in Manhattan.

It's like, I'll see like in People Magazine, some star has some place in Ohio and it's got like 10 swimming pools, a tennis court, his own movie theater. And they'll go, but you know, he bought it for $50,000. You're right. Yeah. And you realize in New York, that's your maintenance fees for the year. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what you have to tip the doorman. Right, and the payoff being you get to walk outside your building and see a guy with a needle hanging out of his arm.

Exactly. And almost get run over. It's cold as shit. Oh, yes, yes. So what is the payoff for you to be in New York City? I mean, are you going to the clubs? I think basically I don't know how to drive. Is that what it is?

Yeah. So you're able to just raise your arm and get where you're going. Yeah. Yeah. But do you do shows around the city very much? Not that much. I mean, when I was, you know, first, like those first years of like, I would go to those clubs every single night. Right. And you try to get on at one and then hop the subway and go to the other one and try to get on at that one.

Yeah. Yeah. And that was for years. And I remember back then I was addicted to it. It's like I would go out in snowstorms and thunderstorms and everything. And if there was like a transit strike, I'd walk like 500 blocks. Right. 500 blocks.

But, you know, now when I have a paying job, my dream is that the manager will come out and go, oh, you know, our stage, there was a fire and it's destroyed. But here's your check. You can go home. That to me. But you've got to enjoy the part where you're standing on the stage. I mean, the travel always sucks. Traveling. The backstage with three other comics in the room with their girlfriends and one smoking. That all sucks.

That sucks, yeah. But the time on the stage you must love. Some of it. Right. It's like kind of like the – and the traveling gets worse and worse. It's like planes, pretty soon they're just going to have you flapping your arms up and down to make it fun. They're taking away anything. You know, it's now when I look back on coach tickets on the worst airlines, that now would be the best first class. Right, right.

They would actually come out with a hot lunch. Yep. You know, they'd come with a tray and you had your choice of like, you know, lasagna or chicken. And it wasn't bad. And, you know, you'd have that. They'd come to you with peanuts and pretzels. But, boy. The flight attendants were attractive.

Oh, yeah. Now they're fucking beasts because it's all seniority. Oh, yes. The unions have seniority, so you only get the oldest ones. Oh, yeah. That's why you got to fly Virgin. It's a newer airline, newer stewardesses. And I remember seeing something on a special that showed like when the airlines first started,

it was all like business guys who took it because they had money. Right. It wasn't the average person would be on a plane. There were no fucking kids. Yeah, no kids. the average person would be on a plane. There were no fucking kids. Yeah, no kids. No, like, nobody going on a vacation. It was like the businessman. Yeah.

And they had money to burn. And so they'd get these, like, basically Playboy Bunny stewardesses. And on one of the airlines, they would greet you in a very, very conservative uniform. And then when they got you on the plane, they did basically a striptease down to this sexy uniform. No shit. Yeah. They show this on some documentary about stewardesses. They do this

like sexy striptease down to like their little short shorts and halter top and it's like... See, that would get me because when I fly, I don't do it anymore, but for years every time I flew,

as soon as the plane took off, I'd go in the bathroom and I'd masturbate. Because I swear to God, because I was nervous about flying and it would calm me down and I'd come back to my seat and I would go right to sleep. So if the stewardesses were hot,

I could have done it even faster. Oh, wow. Yeah, just as soon as like, it got to be almost like a Pavlovian response to, you know, that ding when you can take your seatbelt off? Oh, yes, yes. I would hear that ding. Yeah, your hand slaps the thing

open. Like a gunfighter. Yeah. So that ding got you into the room and, wow. Yeah, the high altitude would give me an erection, and I would just go in there, and I'd lean my forehead against that wall above the toilet

because it's always at an angle. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I'd spank one out right there. Wow, never jerked off on a plane. You never did it. Never jerked off on a plane. Wow. I think that sounds like the name of a Samuel Jackson movie, a jerk off on a plane. Wow. I think that sounds like the name of a Samuel Jackson movie.

A jerk-off on a plane. I have two of these fucking jerk-offs on this motherfucking plane. Stop fucking jerking off on this motherfucking plane. Stop jerking the motherfucking off on the motherfucking plane. Now, is Sam Jackson, is that one of your impressions?

What's your best impression? Jerry Seinfeld? Oh, yeah. I do Seinfeld a lot, though. Yeah. I like doing more like I do an imitation of this old character actor, John MacGyver. Now, John MacGyver, his family, I don't think, knew him. He did like 200 films in 40 years.

Yes, he was one of those that, you know, you watch TV and you go, oh, okay, okay, okay. And I don't think the people who had him in the movies knew his name right and he was like like this short kind of chubby bald-headed guy and he would usually be the hotel maitre d or like the head of the office and it would always be like everything must be run according to schedule. I will not have anyone who is not doing the very finest work in this organization. I will not put up with anyone who is not a winner.

Is that a winner? Yes. So he was like a Trump. He was like a precursor to Trump. Oh, yes. But not powerful. He always came across as like, you know, like a buffoonish authority figure. Oh, that's great.

But he was in Midnight Cowboy. Oh, yeah? Yeah. There's a scene in Midnight Cowboy where he's with John Voight. And he goes, get out of these. Get out of these, Joe Buck. Oh, you've got a strong back, Joe Buck. You're going to need it.

Now I need to see every film this guy's done. Yeah, and then the next scene, John Boyd's really pissed off because the one who set it up was Dustin Hoffman as Ratso Rizzo. Right. And he goes, you know, hey, really funny. Old Daniel freaking out like that. What about Trump? Do you do Trump impressions?

I don't really do a Trump impression. What's your feeling on him running? Is it time to stop kidding about it and take it seriously? It's so weird with this Trump thing. When it started, I think like a lot of people thought, it was like those you know novelty uh celebrity running you know like i think gary coldman was one time had a campaign running for president right uh rosanne jesse ventura yeah yeah well he actually he actually won governor. Yeah. But, you know, every now and then you'll have a celebrity sitcom actor or wrestler or anybody like that. And they run and no one takes it seriously. And that's what I thought Trump was going to be like that. It would last for a month. Just a PR stunt, yeah. Yeah, and then he'd go back to his reality TVs

and his other appearances. But his campaign really took off. Yeah. And it's weird because it's a weird thing because I think nowadays, because everyone gets so offended so quickly and everyone... And now when you got a guy who doesn't give a fuck he says whatever comes into his mind he's become kind of a culture hero

right right and it's not so much about him it's about why is america embracing him what's going on in this country that this kind of anger and connecting, where people don't care that he's got no experience at all as a politician, and that a lot of his policies, like bombing Iran, would get us into probably some kind of an Armageddon. And yet people will overlook all of that because like you said he speaks his mind yeah i think that's just it like people are afraid to speak their minds nowadays yeah so that anyone who does it's like you go oh okay yeah so do you support his run uh i i don't i'm i don't haven't decided on anybody yeah it's all a weird bunch. Yeah, it is. And it's like, yeah, but I think right now, if I ran for president and I said, you know, fuck the Irish.

Let's bomb them. Let's bomb their white, pale white, reddish white asses off the map. I think people go, yeah, yeah, you know, I never liked the Irish. I never encouraged me I didn't like the Irish, but now that he says it, I fucking hate the Irish. Yeah, you know, I never really liked them.

Yeah, their parade clogs up traffic. Yeah, they get drunk. They vomit at the traffic. Yeah. They get drunk. They vomit at the parade. Yeah. Yeah, we could. Yeah. You know, they used to be good writers, but they haven't done shit in a long time.

But the Jews is the one group you can't. If you don't love Israel, you could be in trouble as a politician. Oh, yes. Everyone will secretly hate the Jews. Right. Right. Yeah. But don't say it.

Yeah. So how do you feel about the state of Israel? I don't know. I don't really follow it. I know that the people who hate the Jews like having Israel because now they can claim, well, we just hate Israel. Right. Yeah.

It's just like they used to say, we hate those city folk. Yeah, right, right. And that's like the Ivy League, the Northeast elite is just another way of saying it. Oh, yeah. I want to get to this also. You've got some stand-up dates coming up. And for your money, it doesn't get much better than Gilbert Godfrey Live. I came up in New York.

I grew up in New York, and I used to go to the clubs as a teenager and see you out there and Paul Reiser and Jerry Seinfeld. And to me, it was like you're still doing it from the purest form. Your stand-up, to me, is as good, as interesting as anything you can watch on a stage. I just want to say how much I appreciate how you still do your stand up. It's amazing.

If you want to see it live, check them out. Zany's Comedy Club in Chicago February 4th through 6th. That's a legendary club. Oh yeah. I've done that a zillion times. 25 years. 30 years.

Yeah. Comedy for a Cause, PS11 benefit, Gotham, New York, February 9th. The Sagaji Theater at the Colorado Springs Fine Arts Center, February 17th, Colorado Springs. Aspen Laugh Festival, February 19th. Sheridan Maui Resort and Spa, February 20th. No, no, that one fell through. Oh, fuck. Yeah. See, this is what happens

if it's like, if it's in the middle of nowhere and sub-zero weather, those never fall through. Right. But if it's going to Maui, in February, those, yeah, yeah, you know, those fall through. Right. But if it's going to Maui. In February. Yeah, yeah.

You know, those fall through. Oh, that sucks. Like, if you're going to, like, Hawaii, or if you're being flown to the south of France to do, like, the biggest tit contest you're hosting. That will fall through in a second. The biggest tit. The biggest tit, which I've been hosting for 20 years now. The biggest tit festival. And my podcast, which you have the information. Yeah, the podcast is Gilbert Godfrey's Amazing Colossal Podcast on iTunes and Sideshow Network TV. Wait, you got a couple more dates I want to plug.

And, Owen, subscribe to it on iTunes. And rate it and subscribe. Rate and subscribe Gilbert Godfrey's Amazing Colossal Podcast. Subscribe on iTunes. And, oh, I interviewed Dick Van Dyke. No. Yesterday. No kidding.

That was a great one. Wow. What'd you talk about? Mainly pussy. Mary Tyler, give me more. He was great. Yeah. He's like one of these guys he's he's like what a thousand or something yeah and he comes out walking without a cane yeah got a big smile on his face he's happy

he remembers everything really yeah wow and you just talked about the old days, his old movies? Oh, yeah, his old movies. We even sang duets together of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and put on a happy face. Me and Dick Van Dyke, a duet. That's amazing. That was, yeah, that was, and I remember while it was happening, I thought it was fun. And then afterwards, being back in the hotel room after I jerked off, I jerk off in hotel rooms.

Of course. I had no trouble. But I remember thinking, I sang a duet with Dick Van Dyke. What the hell is going on with this world? Right. That's right. Yeah. That was great.

Wow. Isn't it funny, too, with the best tit contest? When you see one tit, it doesn't do it for you. You really need to see both of them. Oh, yeah, yeah. Why is that? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's the same tit twice, almost always.

It's very rarely a different second tit. I mean, one tit will kind of do it for me yeah you do want to see both you kind of you kind of need the pair although when a woman breastfeeds i'm all over that shit i will linger you are oh i love seeing oh see i'm the total opposite i i am i am for all those laws that ban breastfeeding. Really? I think even in private, it shouldn't be allowed. I think if a woman's in the Adirondack Mountains with no sign of civilization, she should not be allowed to breastfeed.

Someone told me you were not breastfed as a child. Yeah, yeah. No, breastfeeding is just plain wrong. You're right. Yeah. Sucking on your mom's tits is a very, very weird thing. Oh, yeah. That you do it, that as a human being, there's a time where you suck on your mom's tits.

Oh, yeah. And it's like when I'll look at some woman and I'll think, like, no, that's not what breasts are for. They're for my enjoyment. They're not for a baby. You could get perfectly good canned stuff. Right. Yeah. You could get it right off the counter.

Right. You don't need to be doing this. Sure. There's cows. They're much bigger. Yeah. They have a lot more milk. Yeah.

Yeah. Comes in bottles. New Haven, Connecticut at Sports Haven, February 27th. March 11th at the Victoria Theater in Newark. Oh, how'd you score that? That one will come through. Yes. It will be snowing.

Yes. And the gig in Newark, New Jersey is a lock. And there'll be an anniversary riot for Rodney King or something. It's the wrong coast, idiot. Yeah. No, I knew when I was saying it. But it just sounded...

You couldn't think of another black guy? Yeah. Oh, quick, quick. Pan over to the laughing black guy. No. He's getting beat, but he's still laughing. But see, there's something with Rodney King. Yeah. He became this culture hero back then, and then he winds up dying of a drug overdose.

Right, right. And you go and, you know, these people, you know what it's like that. And this guy pissed me off from the start. That kid with the who said he invented a clock. I didn't hear about that. No. Oh, no, no. That he was Muslim. And and the teacher, he came to school with this weird looking machine. Yeah. He had, and the teacher thought it could be a bomb. Oh, really? Yeah. And they started investigating. You know, if you see something, say something.

And then he became this big culture hero. Like every organization wanted him to run their organization. Right, right. Like I think Bill Gates called him and said, you come, I'll retire, you run everything. Obama gave him an open invitation to the White House. And then they knew started coming out that he was a troublemaking little scumbag. Yeah, right. And then he tried to sue the city for like a hundred million dollars.

Oh, no shit. Yeah. And he was just like a fucking douche. Well, it's like the guy who the Republicans, he's out in Arizona, and he was a big hero because he was using public lands to graze his cattle. Oh, yeah. And then it turns out that he was using the N-word a lot. And he was part of all kinds of organizations.

And the Republicans just started backing off and going, oh, yeah, yeah, no, not that guy, not that guy. You know, I love it. I love when these guys get taken down. Gilbert Godfrey, you will never be taken down. You're a hero to comedians everywhere, audiences. But do give me what was, before we go, the worst show, the worst booing session where you had to get off the stage that you've ever experienced in your life. Oh, God. Choose the one. I mean, i know you've got some yeah oh yeah i mean yeah that that's so many

did well i remember you know of course the famous one was when i did the 9-11 joke and they i thought you have neurosis and they were booing and hissing and one guy yelled out too soon which i thought meant i didn't take a long enough pause between the setup and punchline. And then I do the aristocrats. That's like, and you know, the father's fucking his daughter and the dog's eating out the mother. And that's their laughing and applauding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've had, I did one. There was, I remember it was an outdoor thing for some radio convention or something, the execs, and there was a big hedge, like trees, a hedge there. And it's like I did so badly that when my show was over, and I am not at all athletic. You just take one look at me.

I have trouble opening a door and walking. I have trouble handling this microphone. And I climbed over that hedge. I was so desperate. Were you afraid? Or were you just ashamed? Yeah. A combination of both.

I climbed over there like Tarzan would have his mouth hanging open. And they had torches. Yes. Yes. Stand down, Castle Frankenstein. Gilbert, thank you again. It's been a pleasure. Thank you.

And Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast, GilbertGottfried.com. Subscribe on iTunes. Very good. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you, John Matthews, for producing the show. And God bless America. Very good. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you, John Matthews, for producing the show. And God bless America.