Fitzdog Radio - Jay Mohr - Episode 1071

Episode Date: October 2, 2024

From SNL, movies and TV Jay and Greg talk about starting out in the Village, Jay's sobriety and the importance of family.Follow Jay Mohr on Instagram @JayMohr37Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Hi, welcome to Fitts Dog Radio. I'm just back from Alaska, one of the non-contingent US states. Although, is it... can you drive to Alaska from... oh no, I guess guess Canada I think it goes Washington State and then you got a little piece of Canada and then we went hey Canada fuck off we're gonna grab this little chunk with the oils it's I had a I'm not gonna lie to you, I was so excited to go to Alaska. It's so mysterious, it's so, everything's big, it's epic. And I was bored out of my mind. I got stuck at a hotel. I was in the hotel room for four days and I didn't see anything.

I took one walk, you know, it's just I needed a car. I needed, I should have rented a car and I didn't and then I had a ton of work to do like podcasts. Anyway, I didn't see shit but it is what I did see is beautiful. I guess landing on the plane was nice. I went to Alaska before and I had way more adventures. The shows were amazing. Love the crowds, which is so weird because the people in Alaska in the wild, when you see them in a store or they're the front desk people, they are so boring and without any humor whatsoever. and then you do a show and they were amazing

They were so great. I Would even think about taping a special there. They had this theater that we did is beautiful like 400 seat theater and The people were they got it. There's a real mentality in Alaska of like nobody tells us what to do So they're not offended by anything. I had two walkouts on some Christian jokes I was doing but that's that's about right. If you don't get any walkouts you're not doing your job. But I got stir crazy. I was just it was a sweet but it was it wasn't a great hotel. I think I would have rather had a smaller room and a nicer hotel, but I don't know that there is

a nicer hotel in Fairbanks that might have been as good as it gets, I don't know. But I was pacing back and forth. I would go to the gym, but the gym was literally dumbbells. The heaviest dumbbell was 20 pounds. I'm not a monster, but I need more than 20 pounds. And they had like two bicycles and that was it. That was the gym.

So that sucked. But again, the shows were great. I also felt a sense of freedom when I did the shows because I really was like, I was doing my new hour. I've got a new of freedom when I did the shows because I really was like I was doing my new hour. I've got a new hour since I did my special and it's not 100% but it's about 90% and I was working it out and my first thought was if this doesn't go well who's ever gonna know? This is total freedom. This is like, you know, playing with a net. And what's the expression?

Something with a net? Anyway, that's what it was. But it didn't matter, because they made the special better. I grew as a comic. But it is weird, like winter's there. It's already winter. It was in the 30s. And I could see the look in their eyes

Like they were starting to look a little distant like the winter's coming. They were shutting down There's pot shops on every corner liquor stores. I don't I get why you go to Alaska. I don't understand why you stay Why would you live where it's below zero eight months of the year? Fuck that. These are rugged, tough people. Like they really, and everybody does their own shit. Like the guy, there was two guys that booked me.

They were great dudes. And they took care of me. I did go to dinner at one of their houses we had some nice salmon but you know that day he had chopped wood and his wife was she had a power saw out she damaged her hand like like they do it they do their own shit like they dug drainage in their yard and I don't know I don't want to do any of that I want to hire people to do that stuff so anyway I'm back I did a show with Harlan Williams last week holy shit we did a clip that blew up it's got like

four million views which was a lot of fun it was about me counting to ten in Spanish and then my other clips are doing good I'm you know I'm new to this social media thing I've always posted but usually just like announcing what shows are coming up or clips from my podcast but I've been doing some of my stand-up clips for my special and some of these interviews I've been doing and it's good it's it's I'm getting good traction, which feels nice. I got to keep it going. I had shoulder surgery on this shoulder, my left shoulder today. I can lift it for the first time in eight years. Because it's got because they put painkillers in it, you know, it's

steroids and painkillers. And now I got a physical therapy and whatever. It was good, finally got it done. I got Jay Moore on today, so I'm gonna keep it short. We had a really good talk. He's an old dear friend, a brother in this world of standup comedy. I got dates coming up on the road, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Bricktown, October 10th through the 12th, Kansas City at the Funny Bone, October 10th through the 12th Kansas

City at the Funny Bone October 18 and 19 then I'm coming to Philly Tacoma Tempe San Francisco Cleveland Atlanta Janesville Wisconsin Nyack Raleigh Milwaukee it's all at fitsdog.com get some tickets come out and see some live comedy it doesn't get any better than that it's the best night you can spend out there's all people say to me on the way out of a show I haven't laughed this hard in so long this feels so good I needed this so come out have a few laughs also support for FitzDog radio comes from my bookie.

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Bet on backdoor coverage, overs and unders. Make your football season a winning season with my bookie. Bet anything, anytime, anywhere. Okay. My guest today, the lovely and talented Jay Moore, he was in a TV show called Action that was really great. It was coming after him doing Jerry Maguire so it was that kind of a character. He was on the series The Ghost Whisperer. He was on Gary Unmarried. That lasted a few years. I think that was on like CBS. He was actually on Saturday Night

Live for a few years. He did he was great on that that Suicide Kings, Pauly, The Adventures of Pluto, Nash, Are We There Yet, Street Kings, on and on tons of credits and he had a podcast called SM Oddcasts. I don't know what that's Smodcast whatever that is. I don't think he does that anymore. And he was nominated for an Emmy for the host and executive producer of Last Comic Standing. Anyway, here he is. He's a very complex guy. He's very intelligent. He's got an incredible memory. He's got like a freakish ability to do impressions. And he's ballsy as hell. He's a real true voice. I love him. Here he is, Jay Moore.

Jay Moore is my guest. He's just pulled out a couple of, what are those, nicotine patches? Yeah, just in case. So you're jacked on testosterone? You're taking testosterone? I wouldn't say I'm jacked on it. I was prescribed it because I had none. I don't have any either. Doctor thought I was an old Asian woman. Oh, wait, did you affect how you looked or how you felt? I was obese.

I was pre-diabetic. Oh yeah, you were, I forgot about that. I had a fatty liver. Oh yeah, you saw me at that event. I saw you when you were fat. When I wheezed up to the mic. Yeah, I think Chris Spencer called you Jay Waymore. Yeah, that's a good one.

Or something like that, yeah. Waymore, or just Waymore is good. My guess is Waymore. Waymore. Yeah, so my testosterone didn't register, so I got prescribed testosterone. Yeah. So I don't know if I'm jacked on it. Well, you seem like you're in great shape.

A lot of work. Yeah. Oh boy. I was, Greggy, so I was coaching wrestling on speed. So I would wake up, paddle to the Malibu Pier and back, that's six miles. Then I would go to wrestling practice. Then I would stay up all night. Then I would paddle to the mouth.

So I mean, you burn a lot of calories and you don't sleep. So I was like this rail, wiry speed guy. This is once you got on the testosterone? No, this is when I was using three and a half years ago. And then you stop using everything. And then you just sit in meetings all day where they serve cake. So it's like if you like the old equalizers on stereosos you just max it all out all day every day And then you hit it zero and your body just kind of freaks out when you say speed Do you mean like Ritalin adderall all of it? Yeah? Yeah, I love that. I'm a pill guy I love pills see that's interesting cuz I I've taken Ritalin for 20 years. I never took Ritalin adderall I just wanted to fit in but I've taken adderall but like I never took Ritalin. Adderall. I just wanted to fit in. But I've taken Adderall, but I never felt the need. It's weird to me that particular

drug because opiates, I get it. I've been hooked on opiates. I was an alcoholic. I quit drinking. I'm not sober. I still once in a while smoke weed or take some mushrooms, but I haven't had a drink in 34 years. But... Adderall and Ritalin, I take it, I take 15, 20 milligrams, and I'm like, I'm, you know, up. And I can't see taking more, like I can't see... What's the benefit when you take more than that? There's no benefit. You don't have the physical allergy that I have then.

Then maybe you label yourself an alcoholic, but maybe you're not an alcoholic because my allergy is the second it touches my body. I'm like, I need more immediately. Whether it's booze, NyQuil, cough medicine with codeine, weed, pills, Vicodin, Norcox, no matter what it is. So it's a buffet for you. It's just getting something in your body.

Yeah. And the minute I have it, it's all I think about is how do I get more of this? And the mental obsession I have is I keep thinking this will be the substance I can use like a gentleman. And then no matter what the substance, it goes into this sinkhole where I just pull everybody down. Would you like that with women at any point in your life? I'm like that with men, with people, just affection and validation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. More and more and more and more. Yeah. Yeah. But when you were, I think about you, when you and I were coming up in New York, and I want to talk about this a bit, you know, in a minute, but we were, you know, in the Boston Comedy Club,

Comedy Cellar, Comic Strip, Stand Up New York, banging out sets every night, and you were just a, you were not hard on the eyes, you know, you had this blonde, wavy hair, and you were kinda ripped, and you were doing tons of college shows and like I remember like cuz I used to college shows too but you were on the cover I would try to get it to NACA conventions you were on the cover of

NACA magazine. National Association of Campus Activities. Yeah yeah they book all the colleges. I was in my boxer shorts on the beach. And you were jumping you were mid-air and I was like who the fuck is you know I'm used to being in a smoky club in the village, we're all dressed in black. This motherfucker is in a bathing suit, jumping through the air on the beach. Not even bathing suit, boxers. Yeah, whatever. But you were... I mean, what was it like doing those colleges? Did you ever hook up with the girls when you did the colleges? I'm going to go on record as saying, for me, it's a lot harder to hook up on the road than

people think. Yes, that's true. It's almost impossible. It's like a Herculean task because you say good night and go that way, they get up with a date and go that way. So if you want to hook up with somebody, you have to pardon me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, through your own crowd, sign this, shake that, take this picture and then approach that person and go, Hey, you were just sitting there for an hour. I just

thought maybe it's really, you got to be, you almost have to be like a psychopath. Well, the guys that do it have after parties. I think you also have to have a psych, you have to be like, have some psychopathy to you where you have to truly be a psychopath to not care about, get the fuck away from me asshole. And I'm too consumed with the validation aspect. Like if you reject me.

You're afraid of rejection. I just don't, I don't know how to act if you don't, like I don't know who I am. So I find out what you like and I fill that container. Right. Like, oh, but that's how I became knowledgeable. Is that codependent? No, it's just insecurity. I think.

Yeah. Like I'm going to do whatever. I think it just comes from being a child of like an alcoholic and being the youngest kid on your neighborhood by four years, youngest kid in your family by six years, youngest person on the wrestling team, youngest person in the standup comedy world, youngest person on Saturday Night Live. The first movie being Jerry Maguire. It's like you're always imposter syndrome constantly. So if there's a conversation and they're talking about jazz, I'm going to go become a savant

with jazz and then I'm going to come back to this conversation just to fit in with this group. That's why I know anything about like presidential history, jazz, art, like it's all because... Black culture. Because in New York... Well, that's just from hanging out with our guys. Well that's what I'm saying. Like you, I remember that you became very comfortable hanging out with the black comics in New York and I remember thinking that's weird because I don't see you as coming from that world. No. But you learned it.

I just think show business kind of trumps any racial or social. Isn't it amazing? Yeah, like when people go like, you're kind of racist. It's like, I'm in fucking show business. Yeah, right. Like, what do you mean racist? Homophobic.

Yeah. What, a little less? Yeah. You got the wrong guy. Yeah. Sex is sure. I mean, of all the places they try to integrate, stand-up comedy was never a problem. You don't have to try to integrate. It's already in there.

You're backstage, you're in the green room, you're at the table upstairs at the cellar, and it's Patrice, and it's Keith Robinson, and it's Chappelle, and everybody's just hanging, and you're busting on each other for race. Tough crowd with Colin Quinn was like a social experiment. All right, you know, let's not go down memory lane, true horse, you know? Fitzsimmons, the only guy I know who... How good did we have it?

If you look at like that, like Outliers book, like, well, you have to be a marathon runner. It helps to be Kenyon and come from a long line of people that ran, well, to be a marathon runner, it helps to be Kenyan and come from a long line of people who ran 20 miles to run down a gazelle going back thousands of years or to be- A computer programmer to grow up in Silicon Valley in the 80s. We were in New York, and I mean Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, on a stoop for hours.

Me, you, Rich Voss Voss Keith Robinson Jim Norton David Tell Colin Quinn Patrice O'Neill Dave Chappelle Neil Brennan Jeff Ross Jim Gaff again like Greg Giraldo any any combination of six of those names was every single not like once a month Monday Tuesday Wednesday every single, not like once a month, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, every single night. From the moment I woke up, I couldn't wait to walk across Washington Square Park and just go, look at this guy. Right. And sit in the back of the room and watch people bomb, because the Boston Comedy Club, it was brutal. There was rough nights there. You had Asian NYU students mixed in with some Bridge and Tunnel Italian guys.

Like it was all over the place. Well, you got let in for free. You got barked from the street. We'd just be walking by and Jason Steinberg would be like, Nah man, it's free. Come on. You guys need drink tickets. And I love my two favorite heckles were Dane Cook on stage and a guy just came in Jason pulled him off the street and he had grocery bags. And Dane goes, you seem

really pissed off. Are you okay? He goes, I got ice cream in here. You better be funny. And then Todd Barry going head to head with this Puerto Rican guy. And he like really went in on the Puerto Rican guy. And the Puerto Rican guy like had his feelings hurt. And his out was, okay, planet head. He called John Barry planet head. But like when his tail between his legs leaving, okay, planet head. That's hilarious. Tony Woods sleeping in the back.

Oh yeah. Hey shorty. Am I on? Okay. I guess we're doing comedy man. Tony Woods, we had to tell him the show started at 6pm for an 8pm show. And he would still be like this. God likes to smoke weed. Yeah.

And one of those guys, we were talking earlier about somebody else, but Tony's one of those guys, everybody goes, why was that guy not a star? Yeah. Good looking, smooth, funny material. You gotta be on time to your own. Yeah, that helps a lot. Yeah. Yep. Just, that's one of the few guys you can actually say, this is why, probably. Yeah, that helps a lot. Yeah. Yep.

Just, that's one of the few guys you can actually say, this is why, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah, probably. Isn't that amazing? But we know, like a towel is everybody's favorite. I put a towel on the other day, my wife was feeding the dogs and I just put on skanks for the memories and my wife's like, woo hoo hoo! Just a dog whistle to a random white lady. I mean, that guy, he continues to get good, but at that age, he was just, he changed comedy.

How many people do you know that have a tell inflection in their voices? Like famous comics today. All right. Yeah. Don't take us there. Yeah. Aboogaly. Aboogaly.

Merlin, teach us your ways. Take him to a game. Jebediah. Oh, give it to me, you Abe Lincoln looking. Whisker burn where it counts. Bound and gagged in the back of my trunk. Watching the sun come up through the windshield. Could you be more Asian?

I like him at the cellar, these Mexican girls are in the front row. He's just fucking bombing and he goes, what is it ladies? Did Selena die again? But do you find this when you're on stage, like, I've been tripping on this lately. You'll add Lib something, it's the most perfect thing. It's genius. Yeah. You didn't think, there was no thought. It just...

Yeah. Like, there was never... Do you get that? Yeah, I really do think, and you hear musicians talk about it all the time, about, I didn't write that song, it came to me. Like, you know, whether or not you want to attribute it to God or, you know, some people just believe in music as sort of this transcendental thing that maybe it's like in the unconscious and you just kind of draw from it or it comes to you. And there's no doubt that stand-up comedy is like that. Like when people say, how do you write?

I always go, I don't know. I've been doing this for 35 years. I don't know how I write. I got a notepad and I jot down a thought when I get it, but then I gotta bring it on stage. The only way I'm gonna write that bit is when there's an audience in front of me and the juices are flowing and I'm in the zone and my confidence is eight times higher than it is for the rest of the day.

That's when I'm my true self. And then I insert that bit into my head and out of the, I have ADHD, I don't write, but ADHD means I can hyper-focus in the moment when there's pressure, and that's when it all happens. You know, you also have ODD. We're a little odd, yeah. That's good. But there is some like, it's almost like there's a veil

between, I sound like fucking Russell Brand, there's a veil between, I sound like fucking Russell Brand, there's a veil between consciousness when I'm on stage. But how many times do you walk off stage after killing? No idea what you said. And then a friend will go, I like that bit you did about ghost riding your bikes as kids and you're like, oh, that was like 20 minutes ago. That's why I tape every set. I can't listen to myself.

I mean, I can, but I'm like, I get, yeah, you know what? I just don't, we're talking about it off mic. I just don't. I've invested the least in me of anything I've ever invested in in my life. Yeah. Now you mean? No, now it's, I mean, I just being sober, like I had to just, like it's kind of all I do. Right.

But like Barry Katz used to be like, why don't you invest in yourself, man? Like I don't, I don't know. I just, I don't like sit down, like, I don't have like a structured writing time. Yeah. I've indexed cards all over my house with like words on them. Uh huh. I index cards all over my house with words on them. By the way, if I was ever murdered and the detectives went through my house, it would just be like, gay ghost.

Anal. Proposing during anal. Sex with a rhino? Rhino sex. Zebra balls. This guy was into some freaky shit, Saj. This fucking gay ghost is written everywhere. This is like some occult shit or something here.

I don't know. A month later, that same detective's on stage at the Comedy Cell, like doing the material. Whoa! Boo! Be scared! He cracks the code on all those bits you've been struggling with.

Good luck. Do you find like you do the bit it kills, the second time you do it it's like 30% what it was and then there's a six week process of getting it back? What do you think that is? Well because you're not in the moment. I mean if you're in the moment then each word that's coming out of your mouth is connected to you. And then when you try to regurgitate it, when you try to repeat it, you're an actor now playing that script.

You know what I mean? You're trying to conjure up what it was. I think doubt comes in too. Yeah. When I'm self-conscious of it, because I'll have bits like, I'm like, and then all the friends that go, I hope you do that. Yeah. I'm like, really? Right.

And then it gets good again. Yeah. No, I have bits that I have worked on. I have this bit about God, how I believe in God, and millennials don't believe in God, they believe in God, and millennials don't believe in God, they believe in computers. And then I have this analogy about God is the cloud, like you believe in the cloud. I've been working on that bit two years, and 90% of the time it gets almost nothing, but I know there's a great fucking bit in there. And I just keep playing with it, switch the order,

change the words. I mean, I did it one night and Sebastian came up and he's like, dude, it bombed. And he goes, that bit is. He's never spoken that fast in his life. How did he say it to me? That bit about the cloud. How different is your Dice impression

from your Sebastian impression? Well Dice is up here. Andrew Dice gay, so I start sucking his dick. It was fucking beautiful. Yeah. I like the story. Dice is on, everyone's at the comedy store and there's a mother and daughter in the front row,

and they're fucking ridiculously hot, and they're out. They're both hot, the mother and the daughter. But the daughter is just a fucking, like Lawrence Taylor, she's just a killer. And every comics- Lawrence Taylor? Just like something, just significant. Sorry.

That's a weird reference. So every comic's like, that's your daughter? Yeah. Whoa, and then Dice goes up like last and goes, that's your daughter? Every comic comes up here, they wanna fuck her? Yeah? Where the fuck, not me.

I like mommy. I like mommy. You're the only guy that would laugh like that. Everybody else is like that. Because I've been there. I've seen mothers and daughters. Well, how old is your daughter? I don't have a daughter.

I have two sons. Oh, I think you have a daughter. My daughter- This is right here. Yeah, why don't you just take the script. 21 and 13. No, that'll alarm me. My daughter's 21 and maybe she should meet your son.

You think, is he available? No. Oh, he's got a girlfriend? Yeah, he's at Oregon. Oh, he's got a girlfriend? Yeah, he's at Oregon. Oh, he's at Oregon? Go ducks. Dean's List and everything. Get outta here.

Oh, and shit, I don't even understand, like molecular or something or other. Really? A lot of microscopes and theorems. That's gonna lead to an actual job. There's a lot of majors out there that you go like, hey, guess what, pal? AI just took your whole workforce. It's either a job or a bunker. Yeah. There's no middle ground. There's no like, hey, guess what pal? AI just took your whole workforce.

It's either a job or a bunker. Yeah. There's no middle ground. There's no like, I'm getting by. Studied molecular biology for eight years. Yeah. It's either you're either in the woods with a series of shovels or you got a great job.

Yeah. And I got my 13 year old who's, he's now playing, is this the most West LA shit ever? He plays flag football for his school. But my nanny go where's Mackie he's a fag football just has no idea that she's saying it wrong Mackie's a fag football. Isn't that the best when you hold your tongue yeah just go like oh no I need to hear that then I get to practice. Whoa, those guys. A fag football. A fag football. He's a fag football. He grabbed the, he grabbed the handkerchief from the other man. He grabbed it,

he pulled the other man. How come I said he, I don't even know how to speak Spanish. That's what fag football is like. You grab the guy's dick to get him down. Everybody wants to get targeted. I have so many things I want to ask you. Let's do it. Can you tell me, you got married twice. You've been married twice. Three times. Three times?

Yeah, Jeannie is my third. Okay, the first one was that actress, right? Nicole, Nicky, Jeannie. Oh, Nicole. I didn't know Nicole. Who was she? Is she an actress? Nicky Jeannie. Oh, Nicole. I didn't know Nicole. Who was she? She an actress? My son's mom. Not to be spoken of on a public forum. Oh, very good. I do respect you. Yeah. So when you got married, I don't know which marriage this was, but Buddy Hackett came

to the wedding. Can you tell the story about that? Ah, Buddy was like a father to me. I don't really have- Were you on a TV show with him? Action, yeah. Yeah. Well, I met Buddy, I auditioned for the, and got the role of the voice of the bird in Pauly. Yeah. And they sent me a picture of this bird and I'm like, what do I know? It's DreamWorks. Yeah.

So they're like, it's DreamWorks. It's a big deal. I'm like, all right. Then they sent me a video. I was like, I'm not going to go in. Then I got a VHS video of a blue-crowned conure sitting on a perch, which was four hours long of just a bird. Squawking or just sitting? Just sitting. They just had surveillance footage of a bird.

And then Sunday, it was a Sunday, I get a call from my agent like, this whole movie's gonna go away if you don't go in. Like some bull, you know. So I'm like, all right, I'll go in. But I'm like, what voice do you do? Do I do my own voice? Like, who wants to hear that?

And I'm like, don't do something hard because you're gonna have to remember what you, and I started doing like a New York accent. I got the picture of the bird taped to my steering wheel to just make me nuts. And I start doing Ed Norton from The Honeymooners. Hey there, but the bird's a little cuter. So I started going a little higher. Hey there, and I realized I'm doing Buddy Hackin'.

So I'm like, oh my God, I'm gonna do a Buddy Hackett impression for this bird. Now I'm like flying, running red light. I can't wait. I put this thing off for two months. Now I'm like, woo, I got a job. I get in there, I'm like, I wish I could fly. I get into like, you want the sides? I'm like, nope.

You want something to drink? Nope. They're like, okay, we're ready for you. Buddy Hackett walks out of the room. No way! How the fuck did he? How does that, that only happens to guys like us. That's crazy. How are you, pal?

Yeah. And I'm like, well, I either just do it and act like a psychopath, right? And so I did it. Yeah. I get the part, he gets hired to be a punk. Wait, you got the part? Doing him. Doing him.

Right. So it's like that classic thing of like, who's J. Moore, get me J. Moore, get me a J. Moore- Type. Type, and then who's J. Moore. Yeah. So you became the new Buddy Hackett. I did a Buddy Hackett impression.

That was my plan. He walks out of the room. I go in and just stick to it anyway. I get the part, but I also get a speaking part as a grifter. So I'm in a pawn shop. Buddy Hackett is the pawn shop owner. The bird's in the corner.

If you close your eyes, you don't know who's talking. Between the three of us. And then at one point, during between setups, Buddy Hackett goes, I'll never understand how you got a part doing me. And I go, I think they just wanted a younger sounding you. He goes, fair enough. You know what the fly said when he walked over the mirror? That's one way of looking at it. It's a constant barrage. So yeah, I don't, I don't really remember him at the wedding so much. Like nothing significant. He was just, wasn't there

a story? Oh, it was Barry Katz's wedding. Oh, Barry Katz's wedding. He was just wasn't there a story Was Barry Katz's wedding? Oh Barry Katz is wedding through the wine. I'm gonna tell the story you know when you like unpluggy quick or you stop playing equipment, but you still have that like That barely audible hum from like shitty speakers. Yeah, so apparently that was happening and then buddies like you gotta get rid of the hum He's making a toast. He's doing the toy. You gotta get rid of the hum before making a toast. He's doing the toast. You gotta get rid of the hum before my toast. I can't be giving me a headache. And he and he throws water on the Casio keyboard and ruins it. So the band can't play for the rest of the time without a keyboard. Kind of. Thank God. Right.

I'm I like live music that's like live music. Yes. My new absolute nothing's above this pet peeve. I go to a restaurant to get a nice quesadilla and chips, and there's a fucking guy in the corner playing Guns N' Roses on an acoustic guitar. Okay. She's got a smile. It's like, you know what would be better

if you were not doing that? Like if you vanished, this would be my dining experience with like the tide coming up. Yep, the exception. More than words. Like what the fuck is going on? Yeah. Why is this a good idea ever?

You could just play the song. Right. And he's doing it with the confidence, totally unwarranted confidence. Yeah, when they do the- Be ashamed. When they bang the guitar for like the little drum fill.

The volume's at 11. Bro, you are the fucking worst. Even when they're great. Yeah. The one exception, Vegas lounges. Cookie jar. Yeah, cookie jar. He didn't have a guitar.

He just pressed a button. He jar. Yeah, cookie jar. He didn't have a guitar, he just pressed a button. He played, well, no, but he built it, he layered it. First he played a little riff on the piano, he put it on a loop, and then he recorded a little riff on the guitar and he put that on a loop, and then he did the drum track. He was the original Reggie Watts.

He was, he really was. And people don't know this, he had a big hair piece, kind of like, it was like Elvis meets Governor like a mayor from Rhode Island. Yeah, exactly. It was like Italian Elvis Like Jeremy Renner and fucking with the big I don't know the name of the movie. That was a terrible reference Rich Voss and me are at Cookie Jar at the Continental in Vegas. Rich Voss says to me, give me $100. I just lost my money at cramps. I'm like, all right. We are sitting seven feet from Cookie. It's in the lounge. It's not like, it's this size.

I give him $100. Cookie jar's like, you know, doing this thing. And then, ain't no particular time. That different, he, the guy would change wigs each performer. So Voss comes back five minutes later, give me another $100, I have a system. I give him another hundred. And I had just gotten paid and I asked for cash some cash So I was I had a lot of dough on me. Yeah, so I give boss a

$1,000 Like fucking just I don't give a shit like I now I just want to see how far this goes as rich boss has taken the money Cookie George right there. He goes If you don't know me my handcuff him to the chair, he's got a fucking sickness. You'll never ever need. That was his thing. He'd be in the middle of a heartfelt ballad and he'd pepper in some fucking dead-on crowdwork. And all that, I mean, I think-

Hand cuff him to the chair, He's got a fucking sickness. That's fucking great. You'll never have a. I gotta slitch him. Oh my God. We get in the cab and go continental and the cab driver goes, airlines or hotel? And boss goes, do you see any fucking luggage dummy? Just fucking. But then you go, you come up with those guys, and I don't know if you had this experience, but then you go out into the real world and you continue to act that way?

Not such a good fit. You go out and set, you're like, hey, nice pants. Would you fucking blow your, and people are like. Oh no, I play golf with him and he does that. They'll pair us up with somebody else and he'll go in hard on them. And it's either a friend for life or complete shutdown. Well, I would just continue that.

And then when you have success and you still do the dozens in your day to day lives, it doesn't go over very well. No, no. I think about how I am envious and am I less than days jealous of guys that are like selling out. Like if they walked into a room and started shitting on me, yeah, I'd want to I'd want to murder them. Right. So I'm like, oh, my whole, there's 20 years of my

life now that makes sense with how people felt about me. How do people feel about you? I don't know, you have to ask them. Now? Yeah. I don't know. I think people have a lot of respect for you. I think now I've kind of, there's no more chase in me. Yeah. When you stand in line for medication at 50,

no drawstring in your pants and no laces in your shoes. That's kind of humbling. And then, I mean, I was out of show business, Greg. You look at my IMDB page and there's like a huge, it's like Keanu Reeves, Forrest Whitaker, Al Pacino, then there's like a gap, big gap, and then there's like a talking dog movie. I'm not like a, I'm not a lead dog. Yeah, you're in the pack. I'm the salesman at chewy baton. I Work at bark Williams And then there's another huge gap and it's you know, yeah, it's I was unhireable

Yeah, you know, I remember when you- I'm a drug addict, right? Well, I remember when you were spinning out, hanging out with you a couple of times at the clubs. And yeah, you were really, you were manic. And I didn't know, I didn't know it was drug fueled. I thought that you were just having manic episodes. Was it both or was it drugs?

Well, I mean, if one makes the other, right? And one made depression really bad. So I would go to a psychiatrist and be prescribed four different medications for bipolar disorder and manic depression. Yeah. And then I go into a program and I work 12 steps and I realize, oh, my biggest mental illness is alcoholism. And then you just slowly get off the medications.

Which is alcoholism. And then you just slowly get off the medications. Which is fucking bananas. So they were prescribing all these bipolar medications without looking into- Well I was snorting Adderall in the guy's bathroom and then coming in like, I think this guy's having a- he probably thought the same thing you did. But you try to get off like an antidepressant, it's like six weeks. Six weeks dude, it took me a year to get off one. I quit cocaine in an afternoon. Yeah. But the shit you prescribe, you take two pills, take one of them, break it in half, do that for three weeks. Then we're going to go, how do you feel? Yeah.

You okay? Yeah. It's like, Jesus. No, it changes the way your brain works. I took one for 10 years and it took me literally a year of shaving, shaving a piece off every day. Crazy. Yeah. And if I did more than that, I went dark. And the truth is, nobody ever said to me when they started prescribing this stuff, are you exercising?

Are you meditating? What's your diet like? Do you have a lot of, you got a lot of bad carbs in your diet? How's your morning routine? Yeah, right, right. You know, how's your friendships? So yeah, so I replay like every morning now I've kicked the shit out of the day by 9 a.m. Yeah Like we were just talking about late spots like you said a 1040 spot I'm like I said, bro, I'm getting up to piss at 1040 Yeah, like I'm literally waking up to take my first pee of the night at 1040. Yeah and I'm like, I said, bro, I'm getting up to piss at 1040. Like I'm literally waking up to take my first pee

of the night at 1040. I can't do it. Eight o'clock, I'm like, not on. When's Big Brother coming on? That's all I do, I love Big Brother. And then you're up at what, like six? Yeah. Well, on weekdays, me and my 13 year old go to the gym,

we're at the gym at six, cause he wants a lift before seventh grade. Get out of here. It's the fucking best. I'm stunned that he hasn't quit. We started in May, and he's like, you got to get me up earlier. I want to walk to the gym when it's dark, dark. I'm like, let's do it, which is great, but at the same time, it like, Jesus Christ, now I gotta get up. Which means I gotta go to bed at nine.

Yeah. And then how long do you work out for? 40 minutes. Because he's got his whole route. He's gotta get home, shower, have breakfast, get his books ready. So we're out the door at 740. No cardio, just weights? No, warm up a little bit. I was doing cardio and then I transitioned to just weights. Yeah. Because I was fat. You know, I couldn't, I'm like, I'm not going to run.

I hate running so much. So I do the elliptical. I do a bit about it. Or it's like I'm on the elliptical and in my mind I'm like a UFC fighter cutting weight for a fight. And I'm just, I'm listening to ACDC like, I'm rolling thunder and I'm powering rain. But if you look at me, just. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Yeah. I mean, that's a secret to life.

That's a secret to life, man. What is it? What is it dance? Let's do the whole place. Dance like nobody's watching. Like you just, when you can't, when you don't give a fuck that you look like that guy. I don't care.

I dressed up to come here. Yeah. All right, so I wanna ask you about your wife now. Do you wanna talk about your wife now? Sure. Okay, so Jeannie is somebody who I think a lot of people are familiar with from the from the mini series

Oh, yeah, that she was in what was that called dynasty or winning time winning time? Yeah, great fucking series And uh, how did she feel she how did she feel about the depiction of her? In uh, I mean, I'll you know, she'd have to answer for herself, you know, but I will say, I will ask you to imagine there's a TV show about the Fitzsimmons family and no one, nobody asked you for any input whatsoever. Oh, okay. Yeah. And then you sit on your couch and they're like, oh, they fucking nailed that.

I don't remember that. It's like an out of body experience. But my friend Jim Hark is one of the producers and he invited us, he goes, I know this is a no, but we recreated her childhood home. If you guys wanna come to set on the weekend and just check it out, I'm like, yeah, probably a no, but I'll ask.

And she was like, yes. And she said like to the tile, just check it out. I'm like, yeah, probably no, but I'll ask. And she was like, yes. And she said like to the tile, they nailed it. No shit. Yeah, like she was kind of freaked out. Like at the bot, she goes, you have no idea how many days I stood right here at the bottom of these stairs waiting for my dad to come down. Wow.

Yeah, it was creepy. That's amazing. Yeah. And you know, they did that, I wrote on crashing and they recreated the Boston Comedy Club. Did you hear about this? I'm telling you, Jay, it's on a soundstage, and you walk in, and the steps, you know,

when you walk in the door, you go up. Yeah. Exact three steps, same fucking head, they had photos, they had a million photos of the Boston Comedy Club. The stage, the height of the stage, the backdrop, the headshots. You nailed it.

Crazy what they can do. Set designers are insane. Yeah. I mean, you look at like Jerry Maguire, the firing scene with all that. Yeah. That was a soundstage. Yeah. Oh, really?

And it had an upstairs. Yeah, it was just this giant ass office. Yeah. And the phone, some of the phones actually work. I had business cards. I wish I still had it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bob Sugar with the name of the place. Yeah. And the phones, some of the phones actually work. I had business cards. I wish I still had it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. With the name of the place.

Yeah. Yeah. So she wasn't unhappy with the depiction. Why? She'll have to speak for herself, but that is a weird, did you guys sit and watch the show every week as it came out? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was happy with some,

really happy with some aspects of it that I'll tell you off Mike and other ones. Yeah. I think there's a sense of like, finally people know what I'm fucking dealing with here. You know what I mean? Well, you deal with somebody that is obviously very driven. And according to the show,

a lot of that drive was coming from not the healthiest place because- Is it about her dad? Yeah. Oh no, I wasn't talking about him. But yeah. Yeah. So yeah, she was, look man, we've been, I say, when I speak at a meeting, I'll say it sometimes and it's true-ish.

My wife's been with me seven years, I've been with her three. Okay. You know, like I was just a maniac, you know. So she was... She stuck with me and I, you know, she was at my intervention. I thought she did the intervention. So when I packed for rehab, I just angry packed and I never took my eyes off her like, oh, and then when I got to rehab, I just had 14 pairs of socks.

I had to call her and go, could you bring me pants? How you doing? What are you doing right now? You want to drive down to San Clemente and maybe bring me a shirt? What's that? oh yeah, shoes. Just, like how do you pack for rehab? Yeah, right. Like, and we're gonna leave right now. Yeah. All right.

Wow. Like what do you bring? Right. Bro, you wanna laugh? The greatest laughter I've ever had in my life was those 30 days in that first rehab. Yeah. Because I did two back to back. So I did the one and there was a Zoom call with like Frosty and Chappie and the guys that were at my intervention.

What's the first thing on my script? Chappie! Yeah. Love him. Love Kevin Chappin. I thought they were going to argue over like who got to come pick me up. Instead they, Chappie held up a brochure to another rehab. Like, no, no, no, I got a guy coming to get you.

He's gonna take you to this other place up north. JJ, the bus broke down, but they didn't fix the bus. They just kept an eye on it. This next place is gonna fix the bus. I was like, bro. So then I went to it. But like that first, it was like all Mexican gang bangers and me.

Wow. And I remember playing Scattergories and one of the topics was name a celebrity whose name starts with R and this big gang banger goes, Queen Latifa. I got Queen Latifa. Hand to God. I said, you're a Latifa. Hand to gut.

I said, you're a fucking ape. And he goes, what the fuck did you say to me? I go, I said, you are an ape. Como el guerrilla. It was on. But those are your guys, like the guys you get sober with. Well, Kevin Chapman is the guy that I first met him because he had a club in Boston.

It was a sober club. Footprints. Footprints, yeah, down in Quincy. And he used to bring the comics down there. And because of his personality, he was doing standup and he got to know everybody, Sweeney and Gavin and everybody, Jackie Flynn and Kevin Flynn. And we would all go down to Quincy and we would do the sober club. And people were like, I don't know, a bunch of sober people. Cause like the misconception is that they're, you know,

straight laced and boring and no, they have the same energy they had when they were drinking, but now they're not dull. Now they're sharp. They're fired up. And they were younger than I thought they'd be. And they were the best crowds. And Chappie was such a character.

He still is a guy, I just haven't seen him in a while. He came with me to buy my first car at Galpin Ford. And it was like 11 p.m. on a Wednesday. And this guy, Terry, this towhead blonde guy is sitting there and he goes, that's the best I can do. He doesn't know that Chappie used to sell cars. He did, right.

And Chappie, this is what Chappie said, Terry, it's a little warm for a ski mask. Why you robbing them, Terry? You're forgetting about the rebate you're going to get when you text this pot and you switch that over to your IOC. The guy goes, let me go in the back, talk to my manager. And he goes, Terry, there's nobody back there. It's 11 o'clock on a Wednesday.

He's at home with his kids. Terry, why you robbing them? Why you wearing a ski mask, Terry? So it's six months, so I got it for sticker price. And then six months later, I called up and I go, hey, I asked for the guy, Terry. And I go, do I get free oil changes? And he goes, are you gonna bring that guy,

Chucky Chippy with you? I go, Chappy? He goes, yeah, I go, no, he's in Boston. He goes, you keep him out of here. I'll give you free oil changes for as long as you want. He gave me, he put me Boston. He goes, you keep him out of here. I'll give you free oil changes for as long as you want. He gave me, he put me in touch with a guy that he used to work with to buy a car. I bought a Volkswagen Passat from this dude and this guy was like, you know, real fast talking, red hair, slick back and you know,

the horrible fucking suit, all polyester, real like Filene's basement suit and he's like, you know, gives me this deal and he's Chappie's guy. And so, and I didn't know what the fuck I was paying. I should have brought Chappie with me, but I trusted the guy. So anyway, the guy was doing a lot and he'd come to my shows after that and he was always, you know, fucking, clearly doing blow. And then about six months later, he calls me and he had gotten sober and he gave me $3,000 back.

That's how hard he had taken me. Financial amends? Yeah, yeah. It's nice. When I made amends to Barry Katz, you'll love this more than anybody. We meet in Malibu at this restaurant at night and I go, you know, because of my addiction,

I did this, this and this and this. I just want you to know I don't live like that anymore. If I left anything out, I hope you'll tell me and mostly Barry, I'll hope you tell me how I can make it up to you. He goes, did you bring a checkbook? Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe He said, no, I'll think of something, man. I Know I'll think of something man

Did you bring a check Dude who can make a fucking movie about Barry Katz Undeniable I knew Barry Katz when he know, he was working in a basement in Alston. It was a one-bedroom apartment with Nina, who was his assistant, but really she was doing all the booking. And he walked around in his socks, he's six foot six. It was his house.

Oh, did he live there? That's where he lived. And he was booking like a good 22 rooms around New England. And they were like, mostly hell gigs. Some of them were great. But you know, paying everybody cash. You'd show up at the office and you'd get paid. Can you bring Don Gavin to the Tipperary Pub?

He's there the week after you. Yeah, yeah. It was $900. Yeah. That loop. The headline for the week. Monday to Sunday was $900. That loop. It's a headline for the week. Monday to Sunday was $900. It was a million dollars. To get a $900 check at 20, 19 years old, it was a million dollars. How do you have a grudge against a guy that did that for you?

Oh yeah. I love him so much. And the thing is, he would always make you bring the headliner because they all lost their licenses. They were all drunks. And so you'd have to drive and pick up Mike Donovan and Brookline. But you're going to have to leave now. You're going to have to leave now.

He lives in New Hampshire. Well, you know the famous story about him, right? Do it, do it. No, you do it because you got a better you got a better impersonation. Hey Papa Hey, Greg, are you sitting down? I have a gig for you. It's in Weymouth, Massachusetts If you want it, you have to leave now You have to pick up Steve Sweeney at his grandmother's house in Warwick, Rhode Island It pays a thousand dollars

Do you want it? Yeah, I'll do it. Oh, man, it's canceled in Warwick, Rhode Island. It pays $1,000. Do you want it? Yeah, I'll do it. Oh man, it's canceled. I got an addendum to that. Hey Greg, it's Barry. Are you sitting down, man? Yeah.

You're not gonna believe this. So the country China, they wanna do standup on the great wall of China. It's going to be covered by CNN and out of thousands of comedians they chose you. They want you to do stand up comedy in communist China on the great wall of China on New Year's Eve. It's going to be covered by every major network. You're going to be Time's Man of the Year.

It pays a half million dollars. Do you want the gig? Yeah. Oh, that's fantastic. Do you know how to fly a Learjet? No. You've never flown a Learjet? No.

I'll tell them. Okay, I'll tell him. Okay, I'll tell him. If people could only know how spot on that impressionist, I will beg of you, go listen to State of the Industry, to Barry Katz, just listen to five minutes, just to hear his voice. I love him. And he looks exactly like Dirk Nowitzki,

if you're wondering. Yes, he does. It's not what you would think a talent manager of that fame. Yeah. Yeah, he always sees me and he goes, you're one of the good ones. You deal in the light, man. There's some of these guys, man.

Yeah. That's why I don't like the comedy stories, just too much darkness. How's your wife and kids? Good, really good. Yeah, my wife is, she started a new career It's just too much darkness. How's your wife and kids? Good. Really good. Yeah. My wife is, she started a new career about five years ago where she's a doula, postnatal

doula. So once they have the baby, she helps them with the breastfeeding and the sleeping and coaching them on the early days. She loves it. Breastfeeding has been coming up on my algorithm on Instagram. I'm not complaining. Dude, I'm not complaining. Dude, I'm kind of into those.

Yeah. But they're fake babies. No, that's I was going to say the who is they figured out the Instagram chicks have figured out how to get around this censorship. Yeah. They just have a doll and they whip out their boob and like this. Because you can't have nudity on the Internet unless it's like it's your breastfeeding doll. Yeah, so they get these dolls and they put a little bit of drop of milk on it

so when they pull the baby's face off, you get a nice drip. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice. Yeah. Yeah. And then JoJo, who you know should have been here, she fucking flaked out.

We got to talk to her. She usually comes in and in turns here. She's doing good. Yeah, she's doing good. Good kids. You got good kids. I remember going to your house to do your podcast. And it was just like being at my house. Your wife's just like, you staying for dinner? What are you doing? Your kids are... They were like, my kids, we're doing something right. Just their social IQs are off the charts. Yes. Like they were in high school and they're like, hey, how you doing?

Yeah. Like, oh, like we went bowling and my friend was visiting from Japan. He teaches English in Japan and he brought his 18 year old Japanese daughter. And they just got off the plane. There's like 10 of us at this bowling alley. And after like 10 minutes catching up, my son, he was 12 at the time, goes,

I don't think I introduced myself. I'm Mackie, I'm Jason. And I was like, what am I worried about his grades for? That's just going to sell Learjets. Yep, yep. Who cares if he gets seized? 100% I feel like that about my kids is they're, they feel like they're, they feel like they're like invited to the party.

Well, they are. They're comfortable in their own skin. They belong. You're that kind of guy, like I'm that kind of guy too. Here's our table, it's going well. Who's coming with us? Yeah, right. I think it's how we were raised.

I was raised by two parents that were both, I think they cared about people's experience. And I think that might've made me a comedian as well. I cared that people were having a good time, that they were laughing. If things were, I mean, this was, it was a little too much pressure on this, but if things were boring, I had to fix them. And that was, that was adult child stuff, you know, that I was dealing with. My dad was an alcoholic. Yeah. That's just leaving me now. And that's why it's the worst when you invite friends to a show. Because in the moment when you invite them, you really mean it. I'm doing

a show, you should come. Oh great, they're coming. And then you get to the show and you're like, then they're texting you, where's's the bathroom? Yeah. Like this fucking guy. No, I got a rule, no friends at shows. People ask me, hey, I'd love to come out and see you. Not in LA, not New York. If you're in Boise, Idaho and I'm playing, great. Love to see you. I'll put you on the guest list, not LA or New York.

When I'm in LA, I want to be in the back hallway fucking around with Craig Robinson and Fahim Anwar and whoever, you know, those are my, that's, I'm at work. You don't want to turn to your friend every fifth sentence you'll see that, Rich Wallace is a guy we know. Yeah, right. Yeah.

My thing is, yes, that I want everybody to have a good time. Like that's my role. Also, like every pause in a conversation, I have to do something. I think that's a ACA shit. I notice it with when people do get sober and they're really working it, suddenly they're silent at times.

They can let silence happen. You and I stared at each other so long a little earlier, I thought there was a glitch. No, that's what I mean. I felt it from you earlier. You know what? Oh, thanks. You know, like on the internet, they're like, watch this person glitch out. And like you and I, there was just a pause and we just stared at each other.

I'm like, wow, this is a long time. And then you finally said something. I love a silence. I do too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love at a. I do too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I live in a meeting when they're like, all right, anybody want to share? Raise your hand. And nobody raises their hand.

It's like breaking the sound barrier. People just can't take it. They're like, oh, hi, I'm Mark. I'm an alcoholist. It's like, fucking sell out. We had a real moment going there for a second. Yeah, just look around the room. Well, also, if you, you you... I've got it with my

wife. I mean, Jesus Christ. That took a while to being able to just be quiet? Just be quiet. And I remember my father said that about my mother. He's like, I knew that we were meant for each other when we could be alone in a room and quiet. So the first time I did this, walked another guy through the steps, like I had been taken through them. Now I got to return the favor, right? Yeah. What is that? The 12th step? The 12th. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, that's when I realized, cause I w I wanted,

this guy was sharing things with me that were heinous, like felonies, got to get all the secrets out, his hands were shaking holding this notebook and like whatever you're thinking of that he'd, yes, like nothing's off the table. It was a vile. And I wanted to like jump off the couch and go, just so you know, you're doing great. And I was like, but I listening at this, I was 51, 54 now, was an entirely new skill set. Like actually being a person sitting present, not thinking of what I'm saying next, because then you're not listening. I didn't know how to do it so much.

I did an impression of my sponsor listening to me. I went like this and he's like a big Texan, and I just kept going, turns out that's listening. Yeah, right. Turns out that's listening. And that's what draws people out. Yeah. Because if you guide them, now they're saying

what you're coaching them to say. Wouldn't you be be if you were? If you were like an attorney, oh Shooting fish in a barrel. Yeah. Oh Yeah, I had a guy in my house Doing a fourth and fifth step and when he was done with all his resentments, I go, you know The two questions afterwards I go you ever been molested. No Any gay stuff? No.

I go, okay. Any secrets? Like now's the time, man. And I saw him go, that little, that just something metaphysical, the... 33 minutes. We sat in silence for 33. I knew we had something.

And then finally it got out. Really? And he just starts fucking crying. Wow. Like, I've never told anybody this. Do you think it was like a repressed memory or he just never talked about it? No, I'm gonna go, I'm never telling anybody this. Right.

And he just had somebody sit across from him that he felt safe with go... And I think that's. But let me ask you one thing. Is it like when you're talking to a shrink where there's, if they tell you about a felony, is there a certain point you have to report them? Like if somebody said, I raped a girl, you just listen. Wow. That's powerful. Yeah. Like my sponsor knows my most vile shit.

Yeah. And I did the steps twice my first year. I just, I like the effect produced by it so much, I just got back in line. Yeah. Like drugs. Yeah, right. But then the second time I'm like, oh, I left some shit, I left some nooks and crannies, and these two guys just, the most beautiful thing I've experienced was men in my life, older men, made time for me. They were never put out, they sat me a fourth step, fifth

step. It can take a couple days. Like I got a guy it took like three days. Which ones are those? All my resentments. What's my part in it? And my part in it is always I'm selfish. I'm only thinking of me. I kept secrets. I'm petty. I want different rules for you than apply to me. And my expectations aren't met, I'm petty, I want different rules for you than apply to me. And my expectations aren't met and I'm pissed. I didn't get my way. Yeah. When?

Yeah. It's just all that little kid, child of an alcoholic in the crib crying until somebody fucking hands him something. There's no tricky curves, right? But what's underneath that, that you don't feel that your needs are gonna be met? Oh yeah, it's all a fear of being left alone. And then, so it's, the fourth step is, I'm resentful towards blank, so that's column one.

Column two is for doing X. And then the third column is, this affects my pride, self-esteem, ego, personal relations, sexual relations, ambition, financial security, and feeling of safety. So whichever one applies, you tick that off. Fourth column, what's my part in it? So if you were molested as a kid, my only part in it is I'm still holding onto it.

But usually it's like, well, I've done something in the past to step on that toe where it comes back karmically. Yeah. Right. And then what's the underlying fear, going back to your question, what's the underlying fear with all of these defects of character that I have? And it's always, I'm afraid I'm going to be left alone. And the first step, which is...

Admitting I'm powerless and my life has become unmanageable. Right. And that part you have to keep coming back to, I guess, right? I mean, yeah. Every morning. And then the higher power is step two? Step two is I'm willing to accept the fact that maybe somebody else could run my life better than me. Step three is committing to that. Step three, prayers. That daily thing. So is that then fill you up with a sense

that if there is a higher power that you don't have to be afraid that you're gonna be abandoned and left alone and not provided for and financial and all that stuff? I don't think it ever goes away, Greggy. I think it's, I think you just get a relief from it for longer and longer periods of time. Like when I got married, that was a big weight.

Okay, I mean, I married pretty well. So it's like, I do, I do. Wow, she's not gonna leave me. Like we're married. So I think I was kind of like the woman. Like when are we gonna get married? When are we gonna get married? When are we gonna get married?

When are we gonna get married? You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. But we've separate, if life was fair, I would not be with her. She's, I gave her every reason to leave me. me. What do you think made her stay with you? She saw something in me worth hanging around. It's like a bad neighborhood. There's a fucking a toy store with a broken window and there's guys in there smoking cigarettes and rolling but way in the back.

Like that's a nice bike, flat tires, no handlebars. Like no, well that's, who's bike is that? I don't know, it's a weird analogy but we were supposed to be together and obviously you and your wife were supposed to be together. You guys cohabitate well. Like I was like, oh this is how you do it. And that was 10 years ago. Yeah, I mean, it's 25 years this summer.

And I realized when people talk about how much work marriage is, I feel so lucky. I'm like, it's really not. No. If you can find the right person, it's like... You don't want to leave each other the fuck alone. Exactly. That's what it is. Last, we have three dogs, right?

Yeah. One is her baby, like the Maltese, it's one, and it's hers. So we have this routine, like we watch TV and then we take the dogs out and her dog won't take a shit, so she's gotta take it out by herself because she knows where it likes to go and the dog kind of leads her around. So I'm like, I'll go with you.

And just something was off in that walk. And about eight minutes in, I go, if this energy's weird, you know what? I just went back upstairs. Like it just, it was weird. Like that's their thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah, like, and I never had, I never had a woman that liked me. Like that truly was attracted to me All the time admired me and liked me bro Fuck she liked the bad you She put up with the bad me. Yeah Right. I had sex twice in a day last week. I haven't done that in my since my 20s Yeah, because i'm an old fucking man. Oh, yeah, I got the shot clock 24 hour shot That's it. Yeah, like we just had sex four weeks ago. What do you leave me alone?

Like we just did it last month. Yeah all right, and You know what it took the second time. I mean, I'm talking like four hours apart, which is incredible for I'm 54 fucking years old I did so many drugs. It shouldn't even work, but it works You know what? It took the second time for me to get bonered up She were laying on the bed not in the bed fully clothed on top of the bed watching big brother And she just looks over and goes you're so handsome. I'm like Let's go

Finished before the nominations Got got it done before the nominations. I love it. Got it done before the noms. And I said that out loud but I can't. Finish before the noms! Yeah, yeah, because that second one can take a minute. Nah, it was great. Alright, we're going to do a thing called Fastballs with Fits. Do you need some water?

Here, take some of my water. No, mine's full. I only spilled half. Oh, okay, good. You noticed that glitch, that moment? Yeah. I was crying. You're the best. Well, I don't call it a glitch. No, no, no. In my mind, I'm like, oh, this is like on the internet when they go, these two guys glitched.

No, I mean, we're brothers. We started together. I love you, buddy. I love you too, man. This is great. Yeah, I was so excited you were coming. And it was, buddy. I love you too, man. This is great. Yeah, I was so excited you were coming. And it was so easy. I texted you 30 seconds later. Amen.

When and where? Yeah. You're my guy, dude. Yeah, yeah. As John DiMaggio would say. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! And what would Joe DiMaggio say? He's dead. All right. He used to do The Money Store. Remember he did the- No, I was still in a zoo though. Oh.

Joe DiMaggio did Mr. Coffee. Let me get a fastball, what do we got? Oh, here's Mr. Coffee, right, right. Okay, who was your best Asian friend? Ever? Yeah. Oof. Like Bobby Lee never counts, right?

No. Yeah, he's tough to pet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's really tough to pet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's really hard. He's tough to pet. I know. Yeah. It's so funny.

Why am I chasing this guy around? We all want to be closer to Bobby Lee. See you two. Yeah. Tough to pet? Yep. He's probably really like you. And I want to, all right.

My closest Asian friend ever. Wow. That's not a fastball, that's a fucking knee buckling curveball. Yeah, I thought of it this morning. That's a Hideki Matsui screwball. I don't think I've ever had a close Asian friend. Interesting.

Right now there's an Asian guy going, what the fuck? What's he saying? What the fuck? Oh, motherfucker! Rrrrr! Jane No More! So... Hold on, I got an answer for this.

I don't know, I think I've already had an Asian friend. Who's yours? I don't think I have one either. Bobby Lee is awesome. Bobby Lee is also my Bobby Lee is also the guy. If you were to be trans, would you rather be a woman who was born a man or a man who was born a woman? Can I, would I rather transition to be like me now being coming a woman? No, no, just in more of a, in more of a supposition. I think I'd rather be a guy becoming a woman because then I could still fight and protect myself. Interesting. If I'm a woman

becoming a man and somebody rolls up on me, I'm still that 106 pound chick from the roller derby. Right. I see that, but I feel like the man who became a woman is gonna attract more conflict. And cock. Ever won any awards? People's Choice Award. Did you really? Yeah. No shit.

For Gary Unmarried. Wow! That's pretty cool. Cause that's the people. I won a recovery award, which was just rock to recovery. Like, we can get this guy at our function, we'll give him an award, I think. I was honored to have it. Yeah, right. But I was like, sure.

Were you at the People's Choice Awards to receive it? Yeah, and Karrion Anaba from Dancing with the Stars went up to the podium, looks out at me and goes, Anabha from Dancing with the Stars went up to the podium, looks at me and goes, the nominee, I'm like, Jesus Christ, where'd you learn to fucking hustle? Who did you thank in your speech? Barry? Undeniable man. I don't remember. My wife just saved the marriage this way. Yeah. Who do you want to give your eulogy? Wow. Jeff Ross. Nice.

Good call. Yeah, he knows. Because I think about Jeff, he's a great roaster, but also- Or TD Jakes. Who's that? The preacher. Big black preacher. I don't know this motherfucker, but-

Come on! Come on! Who's that? The preacher. Big black preacher. I don't know this motherfucker. Come on! Can I get him? What about Jeff? He's got a big heart. He's got a big heart. He's a beautiful guy. He's a Jewish mensch, you know. Gotta think about, I think I married a Jew. I love the Jews because they're very emotive. They're fucking direct and honest. He's a Jersey Jew, so he's got it double, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever borrowed a lot of money? I'm still thinking about fucking Asians.

I know. How do I not have any Asian friends? They are tough to pet. They are tough to pet. Ever have an Asian neighbor? Yes. You never turn around in the street using that driveway, do you? No, you don't.

There's a fucking force field somewhere. That's right. That's right. You never, of all the times you've ever done this, like, I'll use that driveway to make a U-turn. Not the Asian. Never the Asian driveway. No, no.

Because the landscaping is so precise. You're afraid that you would- I've had this conversation last night. We have so many Asian neighbors. I'm like, our property values are on. Yeah. If I can get gay Asian neighbors. You're right.

Well, what do they say? our property values are. Yeah. If I can get gay Asian neighbors. You're right. Well, what do they say? The artists, if it's a bad neighborhood, the artists come in first, then the gays come in, then the Jews come in, then the Asians come in. Not my neighborhood. Playa Vista is just Asian and Russian. Really?

Yeah. It's like the embassy fell or something. Have you ever borrowed- Are we recording something. Have you ever borrowed? Are we recording now? Have you ever borrowed a lot of money or lent a lot of money? I've always lent money, just giving it away. Like when I was up and running, I would give out like 10 grand like it was lunch. No shit.

Like if somebody had a baby. With no expectations of it being returned. You can't give a sizable thing like that. But that was like my big shot ism. That's the ism. Like me. You ever give any to Rich Voss? Yeah, that day, that night. You know what, Rich?

You fuck. You probably owe me a grand from the fucking Continental and Cookie Jar. I never thought about that. And I, yeah, I used to take, no, I never really borrowed money. I always had the hustle. Yeah. When I was high and needed money for drugs,

I went online as a life coach. No shit. I was great at it. Wow. As you would be too. Yeah. And I had a simple formula. I feel blank because blank. First blank, use a one word emotion only.

Second one, you can write as much as you want. The first one is always a veil over I'm afraid or angry. And the second one, they just send in fucking postcards. You're like, Oh, okay. So you just throw them that up top all of a sudden it's 50 minutes wrap it up. Yeah. And I had like packages or we could zoom. Yeah. Yeah. So I, I didn't borrow money, but I always found ways to make money. But then I went, you know, then the IRS put a lien on my house.

So I wasn't very good at it. Oh shit. When I lived in the Palisades, I sold a $4 million house, I made $7,000,000. Why? Because I was that much in debt with taxes. Oh, that's to be cleared after all the liens on the house. Yeah. Oh wow.

I remember when I got to zero, I was so in debt I remember telling everybody I'm at zero I have zero dollars and everybody's like oh, that's terrible. I'm like no no no no I'm coming from the other way Yeah, I was like thrilled. I was at zero. You're above water Have you ever not finished a set on stage? Oh, yeah Only getting heck old. There's like there's no reason for this to keep going Oh yeah. Only, getting heck old, there's like, there's no reason for this to keep going. Just maybe twice. Like, what the fuck am I doing here?

Yeah. Why can't the mic stand bounce? Right, right. How about you? I got beat up on stage one night, so that didn't finish. And then one- Jesus, go on, tell me the story. It was at Stitches.

Remember Stitches? Beacon Street, yeah, I loved it. And they had a Jewish comedy night. And it was like, you know, like young Jewish, like college students, it was like, this is before, you know, social dating apps. They all come in from Brandeis and- Brandeis and Harvard and BU and Northeastern

and they'd all come in. No, no, they weren't like that. No, they were, these were Long Island Jersey Jews. And they come in and they're gonna meet. And so this guy, this kid shows up, not a kid, he's in his 20s, probably 30. And he's a cab driver from Israel and his name is Simka. And I'll always remember that

because that was the name of the village idiot in that Woody Allen movie, Love and Death. And so I said that to him, as he's heckling me, I tell him that, and I'm destroying him. Because he showed up to meet a Jewish girl, but they don't want to meet a cab driver, they want to meet a pre-med guy from Harvard. So he's getting no love, and he's taking it out on me. So I'm annihilating him. And then he goes, nothing more. And then I said, all right, let me know when your friends get here, because he was alone. Comes up on stage, fist clenched. I take the microphone and it's one of these Game of Thrones,

old school, you know, the steel mesh head. And I just crack him in the forehead and he's bleeding. And then he does some Krav Maga Israeli shit and he gets me in a headlock. He's spinning me around and my legs are kicking around and the bouncers finally get up there and they drag him off. And then Harry Kenforti, who is the club owner, says to me after they reset the tables, he goes, alright, Fitzsimmons, you got five more minutes. Sends me back up. I get a standing ovation because it's Boston. They'd rather see a fight than a comedy show. Oh my god.

And so they finally calm down and then I look out at the crowd and I go, all right, who's next? How many heart attacks have you had on other people when you're on stage? Ever had a heart attack in the audience? No. I've had two. Really? I was at, what's the place in Nashville?

Zany's? Yeah. And a guy has a heart attack and that's a small room, and they're taking him out on a stretcher. And he's like four points of strength. Like he's got the straps across his arm. And as he goes past the stage, he goes, you were great. Just give me one of these. And I was in Denver two years ago. Actually, I wasn't on stage. The middle guy was on stage, but it was at my show, I guess. And ComedyWorks, they have the balcony in the Greenwood

Village room, the bigger room. And somebody has a heart attack up there. And they're like, is there a doctor in their house? And I had all these AA guys at my show from Denver. One of the guys was about to get his leg amputated, so he's in a wheelchair, and it's pinned straight out like this, and this lady, fine woman, goes, I'm a doctor, runs down the aisle,

and fucking trips over this guy's leg and eats shit. Now we need a second doctor for the doctor. It was fucking chaos, dude. And you haven't even gone on yet. No, I'm like, Jesus Christ. But that, you know, Denver is the greatest town. Yeah, it's the best. Anything could happen.

It could be the fucking dust bowl you go up there and kill. Yeah, I was just there a couple of weeks ago. It was amazing. You end up coming home with 10 minutes of new material. Yeah. Did you stay at that condo with the Pac-Man machine? Yeah. It's nice. Yeah, it's great. It's the only condo in the country I'll stay at. Same.

Yeah. Although now the comedy mothership has a condo. Oh yeah? It's a penthouse and it's got two bedrooms with a balcony looking out over all. It's sick. I've never been to Austin. Oh, really? It's just one of those weird... What's the town that's like for some reason you just never played it? Mine's Austin. I never played Nashville. I went there for the first time last year just because I'd never been.

I always wanted to go to the Ryman Auditorium and see a show, so I went I saw Jason Isbell. And then have you heard of Wheeler Walker Jr.? He's this comic who plays a country music character, but he's really funny. But yeah, great city. I'd like to do stand up there, but they haven't had me. I was doing Zany's Nashville and then I had to do Knoxville three hours away. Steve Gorman, drummer for the Black Crows, was gonna do my podcast. We finally connected in Nashville. Really? He picked me up and drove me.

We recorded it on my laptop as he drove. Really? I'm sitting in the passenger seat with a mic. No shit. It was the best and we're still friends. Wow, dude, I saw them for the first time this year. Cried, I cried. I need a remedy. I fucking love the book. But no Steve Gorman though.

Chris Robinson is one of the greatest frontmen in history. Still brings it 100%. Yeah. Steve Gorman's... I love Chris. I've always gotten... He's a good guy. Steve Gorman's book, Hard to Handle, about the crows. Oh my God. Really? They went hard? There's a reason he's not on this tour. Yeah. They were touring with Jimmy Page and they did like the Tonight Show and then Day Off and then they're gonna do Irvine Meadows with Jimmy Page. And it's gonna be the most money they ever made because it's a small, you know, you're doing 1,500

seats. Yeah. So it's like two weeks in the United States, week off, two weeks in the United States, a week off, two weeks in Europe, week off, two weeks in Europe, week off. Everybody clears two mil net. Nice. And it's like, wow. So they do the Tonight Show with Jimmy Page.

Then it's like 9 a.m. and they're sitting by, Rich, the guitaristist is sitting by the pool with a bunch of strippers that he pulled hasn't gone to bed yet strumming his guitar Jimmy Kate Jimmy Paige comes out and goes listen uh I uh I really like playing with you guys you know and I got 40 years of Led Zeppelin riffs I've never used I'd like you guys to have them and I'd like to produce her next album and Rich Robinson's like, we're good, bro. Appreciate it, but we're the Crows. At 5 p.m. or 8 p.m. on the night off that night, Steve Gorman gets a call from the manager and goes,

we got a problem. Jimmy went home. And he goes, is it his back? He goes, no, England. He's home. So from that conversation, Jimmy Page got a Learjet and like so much, so much fuck these guys. Flew to England home, back to his Alistair Crowley castle. And he goes, which one was it? It's either Rich or Chris. Poof.

Wow. Amazing. Final question. J. Moore, what's the hackiest bit you've ever done? Well, I got a lot of them. My first closer was I would rap as a cow. No, you didn't. And it goes a little something like this. I was in a restaurant and I saw on the menu beef medallions. Anybody ever, I've

seen a lot of cows in my life I've never seen one wearing a medallion. What is this a rapping cow? What is this LL Cow? Walking around with a big Mercedes medallion? My name is Bessie, I'm white with black spots, I sleep standing up, not in a cot-cot. I wear a bell, you can all go to hell, surrounded by manure, so of course I smell. Some people think you're cows, mind is in the gutter, well all you humans can suck my udders, udders, udders Pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, pft, p I'm gonna remember that. I asked that bit. That's always the final question. That is without a doubt the best one you've ever heard. You're crying. I'm fucking crying.

Some people think a cow's mind is in the gutter. Suck my udder. Utters, udder. And I remember Johnny Lampert going, you should go like udder, udder. I was taking notes on this bit. Like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, udders, udders, udders. Dude, 1992, that crushed. That's why you play a lot of colleges, Greg. Yeah. Doing that.

Fuck. Stupid teenagers. Jay Moore, if you wanna see him live, he's one of the great standup comics that's out there today. Fucking crushes every time. Tacoma, Washington, October 4th and 5th. Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, October 17th through 19th. Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant, October 4th and 5th, Mohegan Sun in Connecticut October 17 through 19. Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant October 25th. So much fun.

B-Y-O-B. Is it now? What's more Italian than that? Guys with a fucking Galeano bottle on the table in front of them. Yeah. That long Galeano stem. Yeah. Oh yeah. City Winery in New York on October 26th and in the Kravitz Center in Palm Beach, November 5th through 6th. Jay Moore, your pleasure.

Love you, buddy. Love you too, man. Glad we're back in touch, man. Thanks for being here. you