Fitzdog Radio - Kira Soltanovich - Episode 1072

Episode Date: October 9, 2024

One of the most consistently funny comics in the business Kira Soltanovich hangs out and talks about the nudity on her new series.Follow Kira Soltanovich on Instagram @KiraComedyAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Hi, welcome to FitzDog Radio. It's Greg Fitzsimmons. We're just a week out from Columbus Day, Indigenous People Day. So I don't know what that means. I don't... when does the weekend end for me? I have no difference. I do, I work on the weekends generally. I work during the week. I work seven days a week. I'm either putting up podcasts, doing standup comedy, traveling, responding to social media, putting out videos, doing other people's podcasts.

It's fucking relentless. And this weekend, I just crashed out. I just watched sports for two days. I watched the Mets, great fucking series going on with the Mets and the Phillies right now. The Dodgers are playing the Padres. I watched a lot of football. I watched the Rams almost do it.

Anyway, what are you going to say? What are you going to say about sports that hasn't already been said? I'm not your sports guy. I'm just the guy. I'm the guy wearing the South African rugby hat, the spring bucks. Going to South Africa for Christmas this year

with my whole family and my wife's brother sister cousins mother everybody's going to South Africa for like two and a half weeks safaris Cape Town is gonna be insane so looking forward to that anybody who has some suggestions about what to do in Cape Town hit me up, restaurants, parks, whatever, up for everything. I think we're going to hike Table Mountain because my knee is good. My knee, I got an MRI to see if I have a meniscus problem. I'll get the results today. Shoulder surgery was last week.

I have not been able to lift my shoulder above here. If you're just listening and not watching, about 30 degrees up. I can now raise it completely above my head. Miracle surgery. Gotta thank the folks over at UCLA. Forget the guy's name. Smith, Dr. Smith.

We went walking yesterday, me and the wife went down to Marina Del Rey, we were walking around the docks in the marina, looking at the boats, looking at the sea lions, smell bad. When you got sea lions is a bad smell. That's a given. And then there was this setup. There's this kind of concert area and it was set up with a bunch of people. It was like a community bongo fucking tambourine drum circle setup and there was only two people playing drums and they invited us in

to join in and you could play any instrument and just jam with them and I didn't and It bothered me for the rest of the day. I was like what? Happened to me. What where's my spontaneity? Like I almost want to get a tattoo that says yes Say fucking yes to everything me and Annie Letterman took a walk yesterday by Venice Beach they were having some kind of like a Coachella situation at Venice Beach that was starting a few hours later I didn't go back and go to that what the fuck am I doing I need to get out I need to have some adventures.

I was doing that all year and then I just have gotten so caught up with the stress of putting out this special and I need to detach and have some fun again. Who wants to have some fun? I want to get a mountain bike, start mountain biking. I want to go to the horse track, bet on some races. I don't know what else.

I talked to my wife about us becoming fluid, gender fluid. She didn't seem interested. Her cousin, I just finished a book by her cousin, Rachel Kushner has a new novel out. It's called Creation Lake. It's incredible. It's one of the best novels I've read in the last 10 years and it's actually on the short list for the Booker Prize. If you don't know about literature the Booker Prize is the there's the Pulitzer Prize and there's the Booker Prize and the Booker Prize is

one of the most prestigious things a writer can win and she's in the top six books I think they announced next month who won it but it's a huge honor she's been on the Booker Prize list before we're hoping she wins it but pick it up it's a great kind of a little bit of a spy novel, but just incredible language, great ideas. Check it out. In the meantime, there's a lot of misinformation being spread right now about a lot of things, but going into the election, keep your ears and eyes open. Don't go in on stories just because you're hearing them

said again and again. That's an old playbook. Yeah, they're saying now that Biden is not giving money to FEMA victims in Florida because it's all going to illegal. That's all been debunked. Look it up and just be wary because 30% of all the comments

and posts on social media related to politics, they just did a study, are coming from China and Russia and North Korea. So just be wary people. I'm not telling you who to vote for, but just don't get caught up in these fad stories that pop up out of nowhere and feel a little conspiratorial. If they don't make sense out of the gate,

just research them a little bit. Yeah, that's all. I mean, the rest of the world doesn't like us. You've read about those, the Lebanese pagers exploding, you know, Israel wiring the Lebanese pagers to explode. And I just thought to myself, thank God all of our electronics aren't being produced by our enemy.

I mean, how long until this laptop, halfway through a podcast bursts into flame? Probably my highest rated podcast. It's all anybody cares about. Destruction. Speaking of destruction, probably my highest rated podcast it's all anybody cares about destruction speaking of destruction I'm gonna be destroying in these states coming up Tulsa Oklahoma this weekend October 10th through the 12th at Bricktown Comedy Club Kansas City Funny Bone next week October 18 and 19 helium and Philly

November 7 through the 9th then I I'm coming to Tacoma, Tempe, San Francisco, Cleveland, Atlanta, Janesville, get on fitsdog.com. Get yourself some tickets, come out and see some live comedy. Also, very excited to announce the special just hit 400,000 views, which is again, a tribute to you guys. I know that the main support for the special just hit 400,000 views, which is again, tribute to you guys. I know that the main support for the specialists come from the listeners of this podcast

and Sunday papers and Childish and the comments that you leave help with the algorithm. Thank you for all the generous donations, all of it. It's been incredible. It's going to been a great month and I did not expect to be this far along after a month. So God bless and also God bless my bookie. Support for Fitts Dog Radio comes from my bookie. It's really fun. Look my bookie is a great way to bet because you can do it anywhere. Like

you know I've got an hour to kill between physical therapy and meeting my son for lunch. I can sit in my car and I can get on my bookie and I can get really excited about a lot of different kinds of bets. Underdog, upset, backdoor covered, shootout. I mean there's so many cool ways to bet and like this weekend I had a bunch of bets going and it made me glued to the TV. I always love watching sports but when I'm involved with some bets and obviously in a healthy way don't get out of control people but with my bookie you're cashing in on risk-free bets this thousands of

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So make your football season a winning season with My Bookie. Don't do what I did last week. Do not bet on the Rams. Just don't do it. Took it as a straight up bet. Broke my heart again. And if you bet on against the Giants, which would be your instinct, you lost there too. But 49ers, oh that one really hurt. I luckily bet against the

49ers so I won some money. Anyway, whatever. Get involved with my bookie. So... I want to welcome my guest, the great Kira Soltanovich, who you know from so many... You're like me. You just kept showing up. That's the way you want to put it? Well, just the Tonight Show. And I mean, we did this show called How to Be a Grown-Up, you know, that went on for two or three seasons. We just, we just, we're journeymen. It's like we're union workers.

We get a lunch pail, we go to work. Listen, I feel like we are the blue collar workers of the stand up circuits. Because the thing is you'll get a fancy writing job. You know what I mean? And once in a while I'll get lucky and I'll get like a fancy schmancy job. And then it's over and we're like, all right, I'm ready for the next one.

And they're like, nope, you're going to Albuquerque. You're going to the funny chuckle, uncle nasty on the Jersey shore in July and you're not going to be able to park because there's going to be a lot of Italian people. So you're going to take an Uber to three blocks away. They don't have waitresses. Everyone just brings their own beer and wine so they can drink however much they want because they don't have a liquor license. It's just pizza. Really. It's just a pizza restaurant on the shore. It's a it's a you you're a waiter in

a pizza restaurant who's funny and then if you want to sell your merch after the show feel free to set it up at the table by the door but just know they're gonna steal a lot of it. a lot of it. Yeah, so we are that. And either it's A, because we just love it so much, we're not going to ever give up. Right. Ain't nothing going to break my stride. Or we have no other skills. We have no other skills. We have no other skills. You have so few skills that, first of all, thanks for doing this last minute. I had two other podcasts lined up for today that both cancelled and then I've been meaning to get you on for so long and you were the first name that popped in my head. I texted you 30 seconds later, you're like, what time?

And you're here. So thank you. I love being people's third choice. I really do. No, no, it honestly, I'm being honest. It really at least you're thinking of me. Yes, I'm somewhere on the list. What I think of you a lot.

I think about you as these two people in this country that I think should be super famous because I think that they have they have it they have the magic thing that when you watch them on stage you sit and you watch and you actually as a comic laugh out loud and you're one of those people and there's only one other person that I feel like I don't understand why they're not just you know selling out arenas. Well, the manager I'm with right now, the first day I met with him, he goes, why aren't you more famous? And it's like, and now I've been with him for two years. Are you more famous now than you were before?

with him for two years. Are you more famous now than you were before? When people say that I'm not saying this towards you at all because I know you love me and I love you. But I did have a woman come up to me a few weeks ago at a club. And she goes why aren't you more famous and I said why aren't you better looking? Yes.

Yes. I know it's a it's a it I know it's a backhanded compliment. I guess we should both try harder. Now, I don't know what it is. Like, you know, I just think that in a weird way, like it's not just about, I think you and I had, were parents and I think when you become a parent, they kind of put like a little badge on you,

like, oh, you're a good person. You're like, you have balance. You can't, you're not gonna work out in this business. You actually care about other human beings and you're not gonna write till two in the morning, seven days a week, or you're not gonna go on a road trip that goes to nine cities. They don't want that.

We're disqualified. A little bit, I agree with that. A little bit of a, well, well, let's put her third on the list. Yeah, right. Well, we'll check with these people that are single. This chick is, you know, a lesbian with no kids. Yeah. She's a drug addict.

And, you know, maybe they're willing to do it. And then the mom. I know. And, you know, it's so funny because there are young female comics who are like, how do you do it? How do you find the balance? And I go, Oh, you just have to, you know, I give them this like, beautiful, like perfectly like a hallmark kind of, you know, quote. Yeah. And meanwhile, I'm barely holding on.

Barely like right now, I had to threaten my children for the last half hour. I go, and what happens if you interrupt the podcast? Yeah. Yeah. You'll beat us severely. That's right. I mean, like I have to. Can you please pick up your computer and do a little pan around the room so we know where you're recording the podcast from? Oh. Would you mind doing that?

Sorry, it's me. All right. I'm in my bathroom. But like, you can't tell, right? No. Because this is the closet. It looks great. This is our walk-in closet. That's our walk-in closet. So you can get a walk-in closet in the bathroom?

I have a walk-in closet. It's a big bathroom. Wow. It's not that big, but... So you have made it big. So look, this is all hair care and skincare. Oh, nice. This is my little, this was a pandemic trick. And then, uh, you don't really want to see the toilet, do you?

Yes. You're making me do, that's the, there's a toilet in there. Our housekeeper came today. I'll show you mine. You look like you're recording from the room where your wife sends you when she's just fed up. There's a day bed behind me. Yes. That's what it looks like.

That's a day bed. Where she's like, you know what? You and your erections in the other room. Yes, there should be a toilet paper roll on the wall. Is this like one of your kids rooms because now you're an empty nester. It is. It's my son's old room. Yeah. But I had an office at the Santa Monica airport that you've been to. I went to several times. Yeah. And the lease went up on that they're tearing it down to make pickleball courts. So they evicted all these independent filmmakers, producers, writers, like architects,

all these like little business owners and independent people so they could make fucking pickleball courts. Once again, the lesbians were chosen over us. Right. Once again, this is where you and I made a huge mistake. We should have been in this business as lesbians. We'd be so much better off. Who is your best Asian friend? Um, you know, we have a very Asian Latino street. Really? Yeah, yeah, we have a lot of, it's, you know, it's a pretty good mix. It's a lot of Asians and Latinos. Wow.

Then I grew up in San Francisco. I mean, legally, you have to have five Asian friends. It's like a city ordinance. They'll fine you if you don't. So I grew up with a lot of Asian kids. I grew up with a lot of everything. All right, so who's your best Asian friend? I mean, I haven't seen her in a while

because she has teenage boys, but Lisa, Lisa. Okay. Lisa, I would say. Is it Lee-sa? You racist! How dare you! So, all right, so I want to talk to you about you've got this new podcast. And I don't know that you've asked me to do it, actually.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, what new podcast? Are you doing that one in the spa in the steam room? Oh, my talk show. Yeah. That's a talk show. As a what's a podcast isn't a podcast to talk show. Well, it's more of like between two ferns type of talk show. As a podcast, isn't a podcast a talk show? Well, it's more of like between two ferns type of talk show. Where does it air? I mean, on my Instagram, I don't know. You know what I mean?

Like it just social. You mean the way my video podcast airs on YouTube and Instagram? Yeah. Where we talk? Where we're talking right now. We're on the YouTube. And on yours, you talk to people?

Yes. All right, fine. It's a podcast, but there's three minutes. There's three minutes long. And yes, I do want you and I want you naked inside of it. Will you get naked? Is that what people do? I mean, some people.

I watched a couple of them and I saw Tom Papa start with a shirt on and then end with his shirt off. Correct. Correct. Has anybody gone fully nude? Ah, I think, I know Alonzo left his clothes on all the way. I only remember people that left their clothes all on and wouldn't even get into a bathing suit. Kelsey Cook is allergic to everything. So she was allergic to the wood inside of the sauna.

But she had to have a bathing suit on. So she was in a blazer inside of the sauna. You're pixelated, are you nude? Completely. No pasties or anything? Just full on nips and bush. I'll do it. I'll go nude.

Now, you know what? I went to this place in Portland, Oregon. Yeah. And it's called the Everett House. So I was up there and I was at the club and I go, do you know a place where I can get a massage? And they said, yeah, there's this place called the Everett House. And it's this old Victorian

and kind of on the outskirts of town. And I get this really great massage. And then I'm checking out and the lady goes, by the way, we also have a spa if you want to go, there's a steam room and a dry sauna and a hot tub. And it's like an extra 10 bucks you can go there. And I was like, oh, that sounds great. And she goes, I should let you know it's clothing optional.

And I was like, well, which option are people going with today? And she's like nude, like people are nude. And I was like, all right. I was titillated. I was like, I definitely want to see some nude people. And then there was a part of me that was like, I kind of want to be nude.

So I called my wife and I asked her permission and she laughed for like seven minutes. She just laughed. And then I was like, so you're not worried something would happen. And then she laughed even longer. She's like, I hope something happens. laughed even longer. She's like, I hope something happens. Pick some pressure off of me for once.

Right, I don't even want to be nude around you. And I don't want you nude around me. So I go in and it was great. Well, first of all, talking about bushes, it was Portland. So the women, it was like from knee caps, the belly button was just, you know, Yeah, yeah and

So I go in and I was like You know, I think everybody has like body issues and I think going nude is actually very freeing. I think it makes you feel Very kind of empowered once you break through Well, you know, I once dragged Tom Papa, speaking of Tom, to a Russian banya. Pretty authentic, but it's gotten Americanized because it was in San Francisco where I grew up. But it's pretty as authentic as you can get.

And it's also clothing optional. Now, he and I are coworkers. So we said, obviously, we're going to be wearing our bathing suits. And most people opted out. And most people have bathing suits on. No, they opted out of clothing. And it's like you go into hot tubs and everything coed. Yeah, there's there's two big saunas. They're three stories high because that's how Russians do them, like they're very crazy and hot and they beat you with, I think I even like, I was like, I'm treating, I'm treating you and I got him a thing where they beat him with

sticks and, but you know, we're co-workers, you know, we're friends, we're both married, friends, we're both married. But to see dogs together. Yeah. It's it's a bonding experience. It really is. Because we both were like, like we saw this one guy and we looked at each other and we were like, Yeah, this is incredible. Like that should be in a museum. You know what I mean? Like we it was like a circus act, right. And and then, you know, you see a lot of people that, you know, put a bathing suit on, right? Right. But, but that was like, if you and I went, and I took you to that Russian banya, and we saw dongs together, it would fuse our relationship even stronger.

I think so. Right? Yeah, I went- To see butts together? Like that's a lot, that's a big deal. Well, you see it and what's great about being with somebody else is like, when I was alone at it, it felt like I felt very alone. I felt like I needed somebody to elbow and point and snicker and you know, act the way you should around naked people.

Yeah. Yeah. Making fun. And then but then you get two comics. Yeah, right, right, right. So did you get massages or was it just the steam and we just got the vienniki. Vienniki is when they beat you.

Yeah, did he get a maybe? We've gone several times. Really? Yeah, because when he does cobs or, you know, whatever, Palace of Fine Arts or, you know what I mean? Like he brings me because he knows I'm from there. So I can go see Emily and I have cousins come out and all that. Nice. So now it's like a tradition. Oh, so that's where this place is in San Francisco. Yes.

Oh, is there one in LA? Clothing optional, no, but there is a Russian banya, but it's like, you gotta be okay sitting with some mafia guys. Really? They just killed someone and they're here to wash off all the gunpowder evidence. And I've seen a lot of these mafia series and sometimes it does spill over

into the steam room. Of course. Yeah. There's always raised in steam rooms and saunas like from eight from eight years old. Really? Yeah. So did you see your parents naked? Not my dad, but my mom, yes. Yeah, right. But like it was, it was so, it's so normal for me. Yeah. So normal. Right. We went to a beach.

Me and my wife had just been dating for like maybe a few months. Yeah, it was like three months. And so, we went to Martha's Vineyard with my friend. His name was Ross Broccoli. And yeah, so Martha's Vineyard, we got to this beach, we're walking along and all of a sudden, like nobody had clothes on. And Ross had his girlfriend. She was kind of a heroin addict. I don't know if you call her a girlfriend, but she was like a model slash heroin addict and we were living in New York at the time. So, we're walking along, all of a sudden everybody's nude and uh... Martha's Vineyard? Yeah, Martha's Vineyard has a nude beach, it's called, it's called um...

I can't remember the name. Yeah. And so he's like, should we do it? And we are, everybody's looking at each other like, like, all right. So we took off all our clothes and everybody was kind of hiding their stuff. And like within a half hour, we're playing frisbee.

We're riding waves. It was awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yes, there is something very freeing. I think everyone should try it at least once. And you see, my mom used to go to nudist colonies all the time.

Really? All the time. It drove me crazy as a teenager. Because I don't know, I was just like, what if you see my teacher there? You know, cause they were all around like San Francisco is all like in, and that's why I won't go naked in the Russian banya because my fear is

I will see one of my dad's friends. Your dad's friends don't have the internet? They can look at you. But no, I'm saying I would never go naked at that Russian banya in San Francisco. Yeah. Because then next thing I know, I see Igor walking around the corner. I can't. Yeah. Yeah. I can't do it. But my mom would go all the time. Now,

was that a Russian thing or was that a hippie thing? It probably well, the one that she went to was hippies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was like leftover from the hippies. So was she a little bit of a hippie? Well, the thing is it didn't matter because she was a Soviet. Yeah. So that translated into the hippie language. Oh, because yeah, of course,

hippies are kind of socialists, yeah. There you go. Got it, yeah. But she didn't have to be a hippie because we were like new immigrants. And so, you know, any place for her to go, be naked and sweat. Yeah.

She's like, I have to go. Like she was like addicted. And now I am addicted. And I understand that now. Yeah. That we have a sauna in my backyard. I can't wait. Sign me up, I'm gonna come do it.

We're gonna start shooting again. How hot is the sauna? It's not as hot as I would like, but you as a pale, white, weak Irishman, Did you say meek or weak? Both, meek, weak. Meek and weak. It's not that bad.

It's fine, you'll be fine. It's like just under 170. That to me is a pussy temperature. Really? 170? No, no. It's 180, 190. I prefer 200. I want to walk into a sauna and regret it immediately. Yeah. That's how you know it's good. When you walk in, you're like, oh no. You know like when you dip your toe into a jacuzzi that's a little too hot and you're like,

I'm not going to be able to do this, but you go in anyway. That's what it should be. It should be an immediate regret. Well, I know that cold plunges were all the rage and then all of a sudden hot saunas are replacing, I don't know if they're replacing cold plunges, but people are using them in conjunction now with the hot plunge, with the cold plunge.

That's you white people. You have to understand, Soviets have been doing this for eons. Yeah. Yes. When I went to Moscow, I ran into a freezing cold lake. You did.

After, yes. Straight out of the sauna? 200 degree sauna. I was beaten to a pulp. This woman beat me like I was Brezhnev. You know what I mean? Like she beat me to these branches. And then I ran off of a dock into a cold lake.

Wow. Freezing cold. Freezing cold. Yeah. See, I love cold plunges. I've got a thing. Joe Rogan is like, oh, I can do a cold plunge. Yeah, Joe. Welcome. Welcome to my entire childhood. That was great. Yeah, you don't have to say that. He knows he's great. Can I tell you, I actually hide liking Joe more than say, like, I pretend like I like him. A lot of comics will give you shit for liking Joe Rogan. I'm like, the guy has an entertaining podcast.

I just taped my new special in his club and then he had me on and he promoted it and we got a lot of views. He- I can't wait to watch it. When does it come out? It's out. It's out now. It's been out for a few weeks. It's got we just hit 400,000 views today. Yeah. Grapefruit Simmons. Right. Amazing. Where can I watch it? On YouTube. You can just get on there for free and it's called You Know Me. I love it. I love it. I love that.

I can already imagine it being amazing, fricking amazing. Well, here's the thing. I saw you, you destroyed. Well, thank you very much. I feel like this special was a long time coming because I was gonna record it right when the pandemic happened. I had it ready. And then it got stalled out for another four years. So, this hour material

I've been hammering out for a while and now I'm at that point where I recorded it a year ago. So, now I've got pretty much a new hour and I feel so much more excited about it. I was so sick of that material. It was coming out of my mouth and especially when you're doing five shows in a weekend and you're doing the same set and by the last show you're just like, I hate myself. I can't do this anymore. But don't you feel like that's what made it better. Yeah, yeah. Just doing it over and over and over. Yeah, my one thing is I hate when the feature watches me when I'm doing my fifth show of a weekend.

Yeah. And they feel like I know all your tricks now. That's so funny you say that because I bring people on the road with me and then after a while I don't bring them anymore. And it's because I'm embarrassed that they're gonna see me doing the same hour. I've never said that out loud before.

It's the truth. Sorry, it is the truth. I'm with you. I want somebody to be on the side of the stage, pie-eyed going, this guy's brilliant. Not going like, mouthing the jokes. And then you notice 10 minutes in, they leave the showroom, and you're like,

oh God, I'm not even interesting anymore. Yes, 100% I've been there. Yeah, I'm really excited. I'm gonna, I watch specials like podcasts, so don't get upset, but I'll be plugging it in and then driving down to like, you know, Hermosa, Comedy and Magic, and I'll be listening to yours. Oh, I love it. I'll be plugging it in and then driving down to like, you know, Hermosa, Comedy and Magic, and I'll be listening to your show.

I love it. Yeah. You are there any that I have not seen that I should see any specials that that you love? I haven't put out a new one in a while. You know, I shot this really weird, random little half hour thing right at the height of Covid. Yeah. For Epics.

Remember Epics? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get into comedy. And that's the last thing I did. That's now. But weren't you doing something with 800 pound gorilla? Are you going to? Yeah, they just re-released an old one, though.

Oh, got it. Yeah, we re-released an old one. Because that's who produced my special. Oh, they're great. They produced it and then they're they distributed it which is a whole different company. They're like two different companies. Yeah. Yeah. And I want to do a new one but I'm kind of in this place where and I hate to talk too much inside baseball. I hope your fans of your podcast don't mind. But baseball. I hope your fans of your podcast don't mind. But I

am trying to figure out my comedy voice after 20 plus years. Interesting. It's changed. I hope so. I think in a way where I'm like, I have to rethink every single joke and topic and point of view. That's great. I know, that's great. So it's fun and exciting, but also like, what the hell am I doing? Just do what works. Yeah. You can't do what works forever, right? You gotta stretch a little bit.

Yeah, I think you gotta stretch a little bit and I think you have to sort of take stock in yourself when the set's not going great and have the discipline to go, well, it's not going to go great until you keep doing it. Like if you chicken out of doing it halfway through the set because you always make an excuse, well, it's Friday night late show, I'm in Cleveland. Like there's always a reason to like cheat and go back to your old material. And I think that the key is to have the discipline to take the punches and go down and know that

the only way the set's going to get great is when you are married to it. But also, have you done this? Have you taken a whole different direction? Yes. In your stand-up? I feel like my new hour is a very different direction than my old hour. Do you watch other comics? I try not to.

Okay. See, I don't understand that. I watch everybody. And I think I have to stop because I just saw and I don't know if it's a new Larry the Cable Guy. I'm going to assume it's old. I don't think he's really touring, but he did a joke of mine and it could be a coincidence. I'm not saying he took it. I'm saying he did a joke.

Well, I don't think, I think he has writers. So he may not have taken the joke. One of his writers might've taken the joke. 100%. Yeah. And I know, and I've met him and I'm not, he's really sweet. I just did his podcast last week. Yeah, I've done his podcast.

I met him backstage at the Tonight Show. I'm not, this is not against him, but I'm just saying I watched him. He randomly came up on my feet. I was like, oh, let me watch this. And then I watch it and I'm like, son of a bitch. But the thing is, I have to stop doing it. 1,000% I'm going to stop doing it.

That's kind of the reason I don't do it is I'm afraid. I'm 58 years old. My mind is not what it used to be. And if I watch a lot of stand up and then I try to write some stand up, I'm so worried that somebody's idea is going to slip into my writing. And and so if I just watch the people that I really, like David Tell's last special, then I know I'm not taking David Tell's material, you know? But if I watch a guy who's like, you know, decent, I don't know, I might, a premise might

just lodge itself in the back of my mind. Sure. Premises, I feel like, look, we all share living experiences, right? We all, if you're married or you're dating or you're this or you're, even when you're single, you can have the same premise as a married person. Right. You know what I mean? It's, I don't think he or his writers maybe took it. I know I didn't take it from him, but I just saw him, I've been doing this joke for years, way too long, way too long. But it's just because he's the bigger name, I know I have to drop it.

Right, right. Heartbreaking. Yep, yep. But I don't wanna ever, for anyone to ever think. But I think that every time you drop a joke, you're going to replace it with a joke and you have to believe that that's going to be a better joke. That you're growing as a comic. You're coming. I mean, it doesn't matter how many years I've been doing it for 35 years. I still feel like figuring out my voice. I'm peeling back layers of the onion.

Every joke I write is like the joke writing is sharper than it used to be. I'm less hacky than I used to be. And so it's kind of an opportunity to drop a joke when somebody does it, you know? Yeah, I had to drop one of my favorites a few months ago. I saw Russell Peter do it. No, really? Again, this is nothing against Russell Peter. No, it happens. It just happens. I was like, all right, that was one of my favorites, but. Well, that's why you gotta put out your specials.

Put out another special, because then you're claiming the joke. That is true. Yeah. That is true. Yeah. Yeah. I know, I need to work on it. I have to drive kids to flag football and gymnastics. Greg Fitzsimmons. Yeah. What do you mean? So it doesn't give you time to write? Is that what you're saying? I just feel like I am just, you know, I have a new, speaking of new jokes here. I'll tell you one of my new jokes. I have two different parenting styles. Okay, I love that. First of all, you saying that right now makes me think

you and I are going to get on Zoom calls once a week with premises and we're going to write. We're going to write for an hour a week. I love that. Okay, good. Because if I have a standing appointment, I don't miss my appointments. Great. One of my parenting styles, the first parenting style I have is where I'm constantly a little bit

irritated and agitated and running late and hungry. And I have stains on my clothes, and I'm yelling. And then my other parenting style is the same. That's it. That's the bit. But the funny thing about that is in the moment, you feel like you're in one mode or the other. You actually feel like you're doing a better job. And then you look back and you go, oh no, I was the same person. Exactly the same. Yeah.

I was still irritated and agitated and running late and hungry and thirsty. I have to pee. I always have to pee just a little. Yeah. Well, you know, that's why you do your Kegel exercises. I try. I try. But yeah, I want to do that for sure.

Okay. For sure. Because that's how I go. That's how I'll go do that for sure. OK, for sure, because that's how I go. That's that's how I'll go do a yoga class. I signed up for it. I'm like, all right, it's in this. It's in the calendar. All right. Here's a new here's a new premise that I have.

Something about. The Virgin Mary, like she was a virgin. Now, are you Catholic? Why look? Are you Russian? Oh, you're Jewish. What about this Hava Magilla face? Yeah.

What about this? Happy New Year, Happy New Year. So like the Virgin Mary, I think about because like she had a hook, you know, she was on brand. She there's a lot of Marys. She was the Virgin. She was the one that was a virgin.

And so God like why is it that God needed to bring the Messiah into the world through a vagina that had never been penetrated by a penis. When I think about all the shame I have about sex, it's all in the pages of that Bible. Why was it like there couldn't have been jizz in there? It could have been like a little dribbled jizz. It could have been just the crown, like nothing. It had to be just like a corridor. Like when the president is coming,

how they clear the hallway, like it has to be perfect and pristine. Well, I as a Jew looking in on this, I'm also very perplexed of like, why you guys have so much shame around sex. And I think it's because of the virgin part. Yep. It's because of that.

It's because they had to give her that title. I don't think she was a virgin. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. TMZ is going to cover this tomorrow. She was not a virgin. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But you know, I mean, there was a lot of there was a lot of virgins out there. God could have picked he get the right any woman. He went with a nice rack. She has a nice rack. So I don't believe that she was a virgin. I think it's just kind of like, you know, the Kardashians where they just market

and the brand, like you said, the branding and, you know, and speaking of Kardashians, we had to clear the hallway at the Tonight Show for Kim Kardashian. Oh, you did. I had to do that for anyone else. And there have been much bigger names. Yeah. Walking that hallway. And we were all like, like swept aside.

But I don't think she was a virgin. I'm sorry. And I know that ruins like your. Now, are you saying Joe was the father of Jesus Christ? Joseph, are you saying that was the father of Jesus Christ, Joseph? Are you saying that she would? OK. Yeah. Well. Which puts Joe in a whole other category. Joe was such a side note in the Bible. He was just a cuck.

He was Jerusalem's cuck. And meanwhile, what you're saying is he's the father of God. I'm saying Maury Povich did not do a service by saying Joseph, not the father. Like you need to. Yes. The father. Yeah. But here's the thing. Like when you, you know, all of a sudden, let's say Mary was tracking her, you know, her cycle. And she's like, I know we didn't do it last week because we were it was a famine and we

were hungry or whatever. All of a sudden, she's pregnant. He's like, who's this? And she's like, God, I don't know. God, I don't know. Yeah, I didn't think I was ov know. Yeah. I didn't think I was ovulating. Yeah. How many Latino women over the years have tried to claim immaculate conception?

Exactly. You know? And then the kid comes out and he's crying and he's covered in snot and his head's irregular and you're like, sorry, sorry, Serena. This is not, this is not a messiah. Not the second coming. Yeah. This is why I always tell, you know, my husband's Catholic. You know, he went to Catholic school for 12 years. What do you mean, I know. What have I got?

Is Wikipedia page open? I don't know. You know, I'm legally a Catholic. My last name is Finnegan. Right. I never knew that. I don't think I ever knew that. You didn't know that. Well, now you know. Now you know. Now everyone knows. All your listeners can dox me. But, you know, I go, of course you wanted to date a Jewish chick. There's no shame. Like we were told, go and give blowjobs.

You know, like never in my teenage years did my parents shame anything sexual. I married you're pretty certainly converted. I married a Jew. I know. And when I was in college we didn't have any Jews and I grew up in New York in Tarrytown which is just outside the city and it was very Latino, black, Irish and Italian and we had two Jewish kids in the whole town so we didn't have a lot of exposure to it and then I went off to college. I went to Boston University, be Jew. And it was all Jewish kids from Long Island and, you know, DC. And these women, I could not believe I had never had sex with a woman who then got up

naked and walked to the bathroom and then walked back naked again and I was like, the Irish girls, they never got from under the sheets the entire time. Yeah, yes. That's why I'm telling you, we get a blowjob from a nice Jewish girl. Yes, yes. And then they'll make you a sandwich. Yep. There was a girl at BU who went off to Israel to a kibbutz after we graduated. And then she came back and she was like a girl that,

you know, we were like free in the friends group with. All of a sudden she started blowing everybody. She said she like discovered it in Israel, and then like you would be driving with her and she'd be like, you want a blue job? And you just pull over and she'd just do it. And then you'd keep talking on the ride home. It's like saying, do you want to stop and get a Slurpee?

It was a Slurpee. Yeah. It was a Slurpee. Good for her. Good for that, Rachel. I sent my kid to a Jewish sleepaway camp for three weeks for the first time this last summer. Really?

No, I went to sleepaway camp. So I know, I didn't ask him, it's his private whatever. So he was what, like 12? He was 13. He'll be 14 in a couple months. Did he seem different when he came back? So he figured some stuff out. Yeah. But that's what it's for, right? It's a safe place to experiment and then tell your friends about it and then they have information and you share information

and maybe you got a cool counselor and you can get some, you know, it's like a, it's a very healthy way to, you know, as opposed to me and like, you know, behind the bleachers with an eight pack, finger in a girl when it's 21 degrees out and you know, she's got a, she's got on jeans and you don't even unsnap them, you just jam your hand down.

Oh my God. It was awful. What? I hope you've called her and apologized since. Them. Oh, them. Okay. Yeah. Them.

Gotcha. I was pretty prolific in my day and I can't say that it was ever meaningful until I got much older. I was in college before I had any kind of emotion involved in the sexual encounter. What do they do to you people in Catholic school? I know. I am so sorry.

Yeah, yeah. I've had to, you know, boy, heal some trauma from my husband. Oh, really? Yes, he was taught by nuns and monsignors. Yeah. Those people aren't jolly or happy or. No, a lot of them are evading their sexuality. There's a lot of homosexuality in the Catholic church

because they don't want to sin. So they go, we'll all hide in the church then. I mean, look, all religions have their weirdoes, smirdos. They all do. So I'm not trying to put this on Catholics, but oof, you know, my kids, I go, guys, are we cool for not to like hocus pocus with the religion? I told my kids, they're like, it's fine. We don't have to be. I told him I go, I don't know, it's just it's too much. Well, Catholicism is like, Gothic. It's heavy. You know, I mean, I grew up, I didn't go

to Catholic school. But I went to I went to Catholic, you know, CCD classes after, you know, once a week for my whole life, we'd go to somebody's house on a Wednesday night. And then every Sunday was church and then all the sacraments. I mean, I honestly, here I talked to God. I talked to God a lot. And when I found out, I took a class in high school.

I went to a very progressive high school. And they taught, we had a, we had a book that was called The Bible as World Literature. And so at the age of 16, I was suddenly being introduced to my parables from my Bible being written 800 years earlier in a pagan text or in the Koran and things that preceded the Bible. And it's all the same stories. It's right around the winter solstice that the messiah is born from a virgin.

Dyes, rises from the dead right around the vernal equinox in the spring. Yeah. All these exact so the flood, the garden of Eden, it's in all these same religion and I was devastated. I went into a depression and yeah it was it was rough. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Now did you raise your kids with like religion or? No but um because my wife is not she was raised culturally Jewish because she grew up on the upper west side of Manhattan, which is a very Jewish neighborhood. So she has a great love for it, but she didn't go to temple and, uh, and my mother has tried to keep Catholicism in my kids lives and my daughter had a huge response to it and like she loves church ever since she was little. She asked about, you know, Jesus ascending into heaven and the transfiguration of the wine into blood and like all that really weird crazy. She loves it. And we went into a church with my mother in Florida and my daughter was about maybe eight. And we walk into the

church and they have, you know, they have the candles set up and you go and you light a candle. So she went over and she lit a candle and then she kneeled down and she crossed her hands and she put her head down for like 10 minutes. And then she stood up and she walked over and I go, what were you doing over there? And she said, I was praying for your father who she never met. He died before she was born. I was like, all right, let's head out.

How old was she? She was eight at the time. Oh, that's very sweet. Yeah, that's very sweet. I mean, it's a shame. It is a shame because I think growing up with faith gave me a lot. I think it gave me a sense of purpose.

It gave me, it answered a lot of questions. I mean, I don't know. But didn't it also give you more questions? Like why? I think it fucked me up in the end. I think it was a negative in the end. But when you're in it and you're young, it's pretty magical. So my kids, you know, I like to ask them like deep questions, right?

I like to see like, where's your head at? And I asked them one day, I go, what do you guys think you were in a past life? Right? And my son at the time, I think he was 10. He said, I was a World War II soldier and I died during war. Whoa.

He said I died during the battles. And then my daughter was six and she said, I was a pickle. Ha. Ha. Ha. I think she goes, who lived in a hat? I was like, maybe, maybe I should have introduced religion. My God. One of those kids, when you're old and you need assistance around that, one of those

kids is going to be there for you and have financial means. I think the soldier, the soldier is going to have some, he's going to have an IRA account. He's going to have health insurance. He's going to take care of you. As long as neither of them go into standup or comedy in any capacity. Yep. Because the younger one, she has impeccable timing. Oh no.

By saying she says things in the most perfect way. It's like a double take where I go, are you taking groundlings classes behind my back? What's happening? The other day we were at school and I pick her up from school, we're holding hands, walking to the car, right? And this older girl comes up to her, she's in fourth grade now, and this fifth or sixth grader comes up to her and she goes, I know who you are.

And my daughter and I kind of smile at the girl, we're being polite and we're like, oh, okay. And then as we turn around, she looks at me, she goes, I have no idea who she is. The way she said it, it was perfect. Yeah, yeah. It was perfect.

Like she just has this timing and it's unbelievable. You wanna hear something crazy? I have a friend named Matt Wickline, who is a huge writer. He was one of Letterman's big writers during the big years. And then he, I think he helped create Martin, is this show Martin? And then he was the show runner on,

Cedric the Entertainer had this sketch show that I wrote on and he was one of the show runners. Anyway, great dude, like a real, but like a real waspy Yale guy. He's, first of all, he's like six foot five and you know, the hair parted to the side and the crisp Oxford shirts and the extremely well-mannered and very intelligent. And anyway, so we kept in touch over the years and then our kids ended up going to high school together and both his kids are super tall and they were both in the band and my kids were in the band so they knew each other.

And his daughter ended up going off to like Oberlin College and she was doing sketch comedy and she got pretty big doing like TikTok videos and very deadpan. She know, she's tall, she's kind of um, alternative-ish. I don't know how to describe her. Like I hate to say like she's not a nerd, but she's very deadpan and dry. Anyway, she's on Saturday Night Live this year and she's like getting in a ton of stuff. Is that amazing?

That's wild. Yeah. I mean, I used to like, I used to like, you know, want to be on SNL and I'd watch my friends get on SNL and now I'm watching my friends kids get on SNL. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. That's yeah. I'm telling you one day if my kid does get into showbiz,

she's going to be hiring us because yeah, he's just like her. She's dark too. She has a dark sense of humor. One day we were like cuddling in bed and you know, remember when your kids really little and they still wanted you to like cuddle with them. Yeah. And I was like kissing her head and stroking her hair and she you know she was like touching my arm and I was like did we have the best day today or what? She goes mommy it was the best and she said I love you and I said sweetheart I love you and we were like oh we were like oh we're being we're so cozy right now and then she stops and there's this pause and she goes, wouldn't it be hilarious if a missile came through my window? And we both went. Why would you say that? We're having such

a sweet moment. We're having such a sweet moment right now. She goes, Oh, no, no, it's great. Wouldn't it just be so funny? And all of a sudden we're like, I love you. I love you. That's hilarious. Dude, it's well, it's the extremes. She was she was seeing comedy is extremes. It's it's it's misdirection.

So you were at your most vulnerable. streams she was she was seeing comedy is extremes. It's it's it's misdirection. So you are at your most vulnerable like people are afraid to snuggle and be open and say I love you and say this is a great moment because you're afraid you can be hurt in nature if you're like that. And so she thought what's the most expensive destructive a missile? That's really kind of interesting. Yeah. Well, my daughter is the same way. My daughter is like a comedy savant. Her and her friend riff together. I cannot keep up. They are so quick and voices. And also there's this thing that our kids do that we didn't, you know, we always had cultural references, whether it was Caddyshack or Animal House or, you know, but they have memes that they draw from that they have lingo and memes that flow in and

out of their conversation that make it like it's kind of an interesting musical tempo. And yes, but I want to bring up one funny thing my daughter said when we were when she was about six. There was two kids that lived in the back that in the house behind us and my four kids, my two kids, they're the same age and they were just like, they were a hurricane. They just went from house to house destroying things. So I come into the bathroom and the shower curtain has been ripped down. It's hanging on by one link.

And so I say, everybody in here, Riley, Owen, JoJo, Courtney, everybody in here, in the bathroom. And I said, Courtney, did you pull down the curtain? And she said, no. I said, Riley, did you pull down the curtain? He said, nope. Owen, did you pull down the curtain? He said, no.

JoJo, who's my daughter, JoJo, did you pull down the curtain? And she goes, no, I didn't. But what would happen if I did? Like she wanted to know the punishment she missed out on by lying. That's hilarious. Yeah. But let's play out like let's say I did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But let's play out like, let's say I did.

Yeah. That's really funny. Oh my God. I don't know how you, how did you do it through the teenage years? Because I, you know, my son's going to be 14 in a couple months and then my dad's going to be 77 in a couple months and I feel like they're the same person. Like I have to explain everything to them.

How do you not know and how do you not know? But they're both the same now. It's wild this time of life where you're raising kids and then you're slurring parents. Look, it's horrible. It's horrible. Well, you gotta take yourself out of the equation and get your teenager showing your father

how to do his emails. And there's this amazing thing, like my kids fucking love their grandparents and all their grandparents, but they never met my father and Aaron's father died about two years ago, but they were, they were pretty close to him. But the, but the grandmothers, like it's just, um, you don't have to do anything. You just leave them alone and you can go.

They fucking thrive on being with each other and they're going to go down to Florida. My mom lives in Florida. Well, she lives there now. We'll see what happens after hurricane number two. But they're going to go down to just the two of them. My two kids are going to fly down for a week and just stay at her place in Florida and hang out. They love it.

They, she taught them how to play poker. That is teenagers. Yeah. Yeah. You were. Yeah. Yeah. All right, before we go,

I get some questions I'm gonna ask you. These are called Fastballs with Fits. Okay. Everybody answers the same questions. If you were gonna be, if you were trans, would you rather have been a woman who was born a man or a man who was born a woman? I think a woman,

a man who was born a woman. So what I, I, what I would be now, like biologically a woman, and then I transitioned into a man, right? Why? Uh, because penises are crazy. And I, I don't know, I don't know what it's like to have one. And I, Because penises are crazy. Yeah. And I don't know. I don't know what it's like to have one. And I mean, God bless you if you have one, like, wow.

Yeah. Thank you for your service. I wish I got- But I don't want to have one. I just don't. Yeah. I just feel like, ugh. But you would transition to a man with no penis.

You're not gonna get the surgery. Okay. No, no, no. I don't transition to a man with no penis. You're not going to get surgery. OK. No, no, no. I don't think I want to get surgery. Would you remove your breasts? Yeah. But then you're not transitioning. What are you talking about? Question. I don't know. It's a new one. Fastball.

We always throw a few new questions in fastballs with fits. All right. And have you have you ever won an award? Uh, yes. Oh my god. What was it? Ah. Clearly not an Emmy. Not important. Not an important one. Like, not like you. I've seen your Emmys. No, but it's important. Well, not only that, I was also... That Taekwondo, what is that? Yeah, this is my son's Taekwondo chair. I did win some gold medals.

I did as a kid. In what? 400 yard dash. No! And long jump. Damn, 400 yards is not a dash. I know. I think maybe maybe for you it was because you were winning.

The other kids are running it. You were dashing it. I was like, F these kids. Damn. Did you run through high school? No, this was when I was younger. Okay, I ran through the police athletic league. Remember that number pal, you would think the police wouldn't want young people to run faster.

All right. What? Have you ever not finished a set on stage? No. And boy, have I had opportunities to walk off. Yeah. Just last week, I was in Reno at the Laugh Factory inside the beautiful Silver Legacy, because I'm a blue collar worker. Yeah. And a guy vomited in the middle of my set, and I just kept going.

I was like, I don't know. I mean, you guys want to move up? And these people moved up one table and then we just kept going. I was like, it's Reno. I don't think it's going to make any difference, any difference at all. How is Reno?

I haven't been there in so long. I've kind of always had a soft spot for Reno. It's like a soft spot, like in a baby's head where it's bad news. Well, it just reminds me of what Vegas used to be a little bit. You know, Reno's fine. It's fine. I love the laugh factor. They always take care of me. They're really, you know. But it was it was a Harley like motorcycle convention.

Oh, no. Just thousands of motorcycle gangs. Whoa. Thousands. And they were all tatted up, and the women had like, you know, a tattoo. When a woman has a tattoo on her face, that is jail time. Yes, yes.

It's not just, you know, we got drunk one night, and I got a fish on my thigh. You know what I mean? No, this is like, these are the gangs I have represented for over 10, 20 years. So of course, the first thing I say when I get on stage at Reno is like,

I am so glad that you guys are here, I love it. And you've all been paroled, so that's good news. And yeah, a lot of leather, leathery faces, leathery clothes. Yeah. And then once in the middle of a show, and this was the South Side of Chicago, and it was a primarily black club,

but they like to headline me. I have no idea why. Oh, I think I know that club. Yeah, it's been closed for a while. Okay. Yes, South Side. And this guy in the middle of my set stands up and flips his table over with all the drinks because the waitress who was also black and the customer was black asked him to pay in advance.

Oh, shit. And drinks went flying and he stood up and he flipped the table over and everyone scattered and I'm on stage and I was and I can't remember what I said exactly it was a while ago but I remember saying something to the fact of something to like it's a two drink minimum sir and those are not going to count. Like I made like I said something like I I'm sorry, but the rules here, you have to order another two drinks. Like, something to that effect.

And people were like, this white girl, I remember, she was, someone go, this white chick is crazy. Because instead of being scared, I doubled down on him, you know what I mean? I was like, you know what? We said, no no discover card. Like I yelled at him. Like it was so ballsy.

I could have ended that set. I did not. I can't. Oh, good for you. While people were cleaning up and. Yeah. Yeah. Cops. I kept going. Cops came. Cops came. Yes. You know, I don't think I've ever flipped the table and I feel like it's on my bucket list.

Just because you want to be that guy. Maybe you're the guy that shows up to work the next day and how did you have fun last night? Yeah, flip the table. Oh, wait, you're freezing. Still there? I am. All right, there we are.

We're back. Okay. Sorry. Kira Soltanovich, final question of the podcast. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done? Oh, so many to choose from. Well, because, you know, when you're starting out. Yeah.

I mean, I did a hacky bit the other night. I'm not proud of it. Okay. It was a really old joke and through crowd work, it kind of fit. Yeah. So I just said it and I haven't said it in a really long time. Um, but a while ago, ago, when I got engaged, so this is how old the I've been married to my husband 16 years. That's how old this bit

is a long, long, long time ago. Do you remember it was like a big deal to to get conflict free diamonds? Yes. So not blood diamonds. Yeah, exactly. Now as she asked me, she goes, is your ring is your diamond conflict free? Is your ring conflict free? And I said, ever since I got this thing, it's been nothing but conflict. So stupid. It's so stupid. I said it. You know what it is?

It's one of those jokes that presents itself. The math all checks out. You run the numbers and you go, nope, that absolutely works. And I'm going to do it. It's a silly joke. Yep. And I don't know why after a decade, I haven't done it in over a decade. It came up the other night and I was like, I felt dirty. I'm gonna

ask you that for the rest of our lives. Whenever I see you, I'm gonna ask you, I'm gonna give you the setup to that bit and hopefully they were at a party and people are around and I'm gonna set you up to fucking spike it. I love it. I'll do it. I'll just walk up and go here. Is that a conflict free diamond? That's it.

And then and then I'll watch your eyes go wide with excitement. You know, I'll do anything for the bit. I really will. I have a bit. I have a bit with my kids that I insist ever since they were like five years old, I have insisted they do this bit. I walk in the room and if they're like splayed out on the couch with their legs up, I'll go, are you comfortable?

And then they have to say, I make a nice living. That's the best. That is the best. That is the best. Here's what I taught my kids to do. Whenever they get a birthday card, I'm trying to see if I have anything, they get a birthday card, I taught them to open it up and then like, where's the check? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good. That's good. I like that. And then you kind of look in it and look Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I do, you know, I haven't updated my website in a couple weeks. I'm going to be at Big Bear with Adam Carolla. Oh yeah, they actually asked me to do that and I'm out of town. That's going to be a blast. November 15th and 16th, so come out. Yeah, they told me you guys were doing it.

I was like, man, that would have been so much fucking fun. They're going big on that. I think there's going to be another big name on the show. I think Kevin Nealon's doing it. Oh, okay, yeah. I think Nealon's doing it. He's okay, yeah. I think Nealon's doing it. He's doing it, I love him. All right, great.

Well, also check out, what's the name of this sauna series? Let's Get Sweat. It's called Let's Get Sweat. And people can find that on YouTube. Yes, sir. Okay. Kira, thank you so much. You're the greatest and let's get in your sauna soon. Naked. We'll be right back.

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