Fitzdog Radio - Maz Jobrani - Episode 1073

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Maz Jobrani and I tell the dirty truth about youth soccer in LA and the struggle of being labeled as a nice guy.Follow Maz Jobrani on Instagram @MazJobrani My Bookie: https://mybookie.website/FITZWatch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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who will be, spoke to him earlier today. Great dude, old friend, very funny, had a nice chat. We're both considered nice people, we realized. And whether or not we resent being known as that versus funny I mean I think people think we're funny but the paramount the overriding cardinal trait seems to be nice so we'll get to that we'll get to a lot of it but last week oh by the way I'm wearing, shout out to Bert and Tom. I'm wearing their Post-Pour-O-Sos.

I don't even know what the fuck it is. I know it's alcohol. I don't know if it's vodka or scotch or tequila. I don't drink, so I don't really know, but I'd like very much to promote their product because I love them both very much. I don't know if I can express to you how I feel about Bert and Tom.

Bert in particular this year I've spent a lot of time with and what did Tom's podcast? I just, they're fucking, just so, I'm just so, I'm happy. I don't resent anybody's success. That's not true, a couple of people. But I'm truly happy when people like Bert and Tom do well because they just share it. They share the joy, the wealth, the experiences,

the excitement, it's great. Anyway, whatever, who gives a shit about them? This is about FitzDog Radio. Comedia for 14 years. What is that, a third of my life? Jesus Christ. No, it's a quarter of my life. A quarter of my life I have done this podcast

every single week. What the fuck? Get a life, Greg. But I am getting a life. Last week I talked about how I didn't play the bongos. We walked past a drum circle. I was invited in. I declined, and it killed me.

For the rest of the day, I thought about that my intention this year, my New Year's resolution, was to say yes to more things. And I didn't. And so it reminded me. So this week, I very much played the bongos. I went to Tulsa, which is a city, believe it or not, it's a city that's close to my heart. We went there last year for the Springsteen concert. Me and Gibbons and Dudley and Jack and Gibb's fiancee and her two friends and Tom O'Neill, a big group of us. We all flew into Tulsa from different parts of the country,

from all over the place. And we met up and we saw Springsteen, we went to the Dylan, Bob Dylan Museum. So anyway, I was back this weekend doing a club, great club called Brick Town. Thanks for coming out. And went to the museum again, the Bob Dylan Museum again, but I bought my friend Deon Curry who is not a Dylan fan, didn't know a lot about him and so it was like an education for him and he dug it and then we went to this place called The Church which is this recording studio that Leon Russell started back in like the early 70s and like George Harrison recorded there, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers did the first, no I think it was back when it was Mudcratch, he did his first couple albums there.

Everybody, Clapton, it's a historic great studio. So the guy that owns, or actually the guy that runs it sent me a note, a DM, to come take a tour. So I went and the woman that runs the place, who owns it, refurbished it. The place was completely run down. She threw $14 million or something into it and refurbished it. It's amazing.

And you can actually, you can take a tour, not as good as my tour, but you can take a tour if you go there in Tulsa. And then we went to what they call Black Wall Street. There's a museum dedicated to the massacre that happened. And I think it was around 19, in the 20s, 1920s. I won't get into it except to say I was not taught it in school.

It was, there was a town in Tulsa, a section of Tulsa that was built up by the black population, bankers and barbers and lawyers and accountants and it was a very upscale neighborhood. There's a lot of oil money and it was a black upscale neighborhood. There's a lot of oil money, and it was a black community that invested in itself, that was proud of itself, that was, you know, post-slavery was like, you know, showing what was possible to other black people and to themselves, and one night,

a bunch of KKK and other white people burned it to the ground. Murdered hundreds of people, burned thousands of homes and businesses to the ground. It was just, your fucking heart is in your ass. Where is your heart when you go to a museum like that? It's not in your chest, it's sunk down. It's in your asshole. So that was pretty intense. And then we did a couple shows and then I flew back. I

get invited to the Dodgers game at the last... I'm sorry I should say the Mets game. So last minute went to the Mets game and then last night I went to the Clippers game. Whatever. I'm living life. I had a big full weekend and this is back where I'm going to be. Where I'm going to stay, stay involved, have fun. Play the bongos and also like watched a lot of sports. The Mets. I took the Mets to win at the beginning of the playoffs. And I've been making money with the Mets beating win at the beginning of the playoffs and I've been making money

with the Mets beating everybody coming from behind and I should mention that support for Fitz Dogg radio comes from my bookie and my bookie is making me some money I usually do a lot of football. I love football. I do do a lot of betting on football. I've been doing very well with the unders this year. The underdogs are not the unders, the underdogs, two different things. The underdogs have been beating the favorites.

I got knocked out of my suicide pool in week four. There was only about, I think there were only three people left out of 250. A lot of upsets this year and that's where the money has been made. I am rich. I am rich. Thank you, my bookie.

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bet any time, anything, anywhere with My Bookie, the sports book that gives you control and rewards you for every moment of play. Okay, speaking of playing, come on out. I'm playing in Kansas City this weekend. The Funny Bone, October 18th and 19th. Helium, Philadelphia, November 7th through the 9th. Tacoma, the week after that. Improv and Tempe after that. San Francisco Punchline, December 5th through 7th. Cleveland Hilarities, December 13 and 14.

Then I'm coming to Atlanta, Janesville, Wisconsin, NIAC, Raleigh, Milwaukee, Vegas, Hollywood, Pittsburgh. Go to FitzDog.com, get some tickets, and don't forget, the special broke 400,000 views this week. Thank you for the support. Go check it out on YouTube. It's called You Know Me. My guest today, he's an author. He wrote, I'm not a terrorist but I've played one on TV. He's been in

everything. You've seen him on Curb, Your Enthusiasm, Shameless, Grey's Anatomy, Dunn's Stand-Up on Colbert and Corden. What else? He's been in a million things. Showtime specials up the wazoo. And again, we had a great talk today. I hope you enjoy it. Here's Maz Gibranie, welcome to FitzDog Radio. Thanks for having me, man. Well, you've been here before. I think this is probably, probably your third time on. I think it's possible this is the third time. I always enjoy talking to you.

So it's like, I mean, we talk off air at the club and then we talk, you know, whenever you invite me, I'm in. I know. That's the thing about the comedy store is it's such a good hang and people's schedules are different, we're on the road or whatever, but whenever I see you, man, I just light up. It's just always so great to see you and hang out.

Right back at you, man. I think we have a lot in common in terms of just being dads and husbands and all that stuff. I just love listening to your stories. And I love the fact that, and I don't know if you did this with your son, but my son has enjoyed coming to the clubs. So he'll come with me once in a while.

What is he like 18 now? He's 16 now. Okay. So some nights if he's home and I'm about to head out, he goes, can I come along? I go, sure. Really? Yeah, so I got a chance to bring him

and a few times he just sits there and watches. One night you were there and he was enjoying it. Cause like, you know, think about it. Kids got taste. Kids got taste. Yeah. And also, you know, you get a little raunchier, which kids like.

You know, they like that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I was, you know, I was a fan of Eddie Murphy's at the age of 10, so it's like, you know. Yeah, I know, I know. So he went through, you and I both put our sons onto a soccer team on the west side of LA called Santa Monica United.

Yes. And it's the premier team. It wins the championships in California. It's literally one of the best teams in the country. Yeah. And so both our sons were pretty talented and they got on the team. But we got on the team and I was warned,

this is no joke. These guys are training these kids like they're professional soccer. The coach was British. And they are savages. And my son came in and he was good, but he wasn't at the level the coach wanted him to be at. And he made him feel like a piece of shit.

He belittled him, and my son, we took him off the team, we put him on another team. It took him two years to get his confidence back up again. Absolutely same experience as you. And if we're going through that, I think how many people must go through that. Because the truth is, there's a couple of factors. First of all, there's the factor of

beyond Santa Monica United, when you would go out and travel and see other teams, there's some other teams, like I just remember one time watching this team before us, these Latinos, and I honestly thought they were in an older age group. And I go, oh, these guys are what, two years older? And the dad was like, no, they're in our division. I go, what?

And these guys, it was amazing, their skill level. Like they weren't as fit as we were, but their skill level was sick. And to the point where, you know, as someone who appreciates soccer, you know that if you're good enough, you know how to use your body to kind of keep the guy away. If you don't have to be the fastest,

but if you know how to use your, these kids knew how to use their bodies to like just. Oh, you know you're gonna lose to the other team when the coach is coaching in Spanish. Oh yeah, you're done. Which would happen, oh yeah, you're like, oh let's just wrap it up kids. So you have that level, and then you have within

the club itself, and I think it's not just Santa Monica United, but a lot of clubs, they want to be able to tell young potential parents that would spend money to sign their kids up, look at how many trophies we've won. So that's what they're concentrating on. They're not concentrating on, let me develop your kid. No, it's not a developmental team. It's a competitive team. And it goes into the culture of the parents. The parents that have their kids there, they want their kids beaten down.

Nuts. And it's just like, I wish I had heeded the warnings because that place was really dysfunctional. Yeah, it was interesting because after we left, like you, we had about a year or two where he had to kind of regroup and get his head together. And then we went to this one team that our friends were on and they said this coach is amazing. This one coach, I guess he trains professionals and he's British and he's just, he's all about developing, developing these future.

Which club was that? This was, at the time they were called the Vikings. It was this one British guy got with this one Norwegian guy. And as you know, there was actually an article written in the New York Times about how Norway does kids sports the best. No kidding. Yeah, and they said the reason is,

the reason Norway has so many Olympic gold medalists isn't just because they come from a cold environment and they win all the Winter Olympics, but also because they come from a cold environment and they win all the Winter Olympics, but also because they encourage their kids to play everything and just play to play and have fun and play until you're like 13 or 14 and you start thinking, oh, this is the thing I want to do. And then you focus versus our kids. They go, oh, you're eight.

You should play soccer all year round and wear out your knees and wear out your love for the sport. Exactly. They're burnt out by the time they're 14 years old. Burnt out, so this guy, this Norwegian guy got with this British guy and they put this team together, the Vikings, and when I went with my son to try out, it was interesting because my son coming from SMU,

which was one of these standard win at all costs kind of things, they taught the kids to pass the ball quickly, which is great, like Barcelona does. But it's not a creative way to learn for kids. Kids should also have the freedom to try things. So my son, a lot of times I would see him with the ball and he was like the coach that said like, just pass it off and I don't want to mess up so I pass off. And I was constantly as a dad, I was like, buddy, you got to try, take that guy on, try it. And part of it was from my own entertainment, part of it was like experiment, have fun. And I remember when we went to try out for this Vikings team, my son did well, Dara,

and then the coach comes over and he goes, we'd like to have you on the team if you want to. I said, great. And then I said, coach, and he goes, any questions? Because I talked to Dara about that. I go like trying stuff. I said, coach, we've got a couple of questions like what if he tries something and it doesn't work out and yes Are you kidding me mate? Yeah, if you're not trying stuff, then I'm not doing my job

And he goes I'm not gonna take you out cuz you tried something and you didn't succeed. Yeah, try it. Look at Ted Lasso So and how Iran is pretty into soccer as well, right? Iran is, but the sports in Iran are soccer and then wrestling. Wasn't there a story about an Iranian player that blew a game and then he was like killed after the game? No, that was Colombia. Oh, it was Colombia.

Yeah, that was Colombia. That was the, there was actually a great 30 for 30 done by ESPN called the two Escobars because that was Andres Escobar. Oh, right, right, right,PN called the two Escobars. Cause that was Andres Escobar. Oh, right, right, right, right. And Pablo Escobar. He owned the team. Pablo Escobar was a big proponent of soccer. And they said, and I think the timing works out,

cause I think that was a 94 World Cup. Cause I remember that was when it was in America. And the theory in this documentary is that if Pablo Escobar had still been around, because I think they took him out in like 89, 90 or something, they said if he'd still been around that Andres Escobar would not have been killed because Pablo Escobar protected the soccer players. Oh, I see.

But the story goes that I think Andres Escobar goes back to Colombia, goes to some nightclub and gets in an argument with some guys and they shoot him. But I think part of it had probably to do with the soccer. Who knows if it had other aspects to it. So Iran is soccer and what else? Iran is soccer, wrestling, weightlifting. Those are like our big things. Cricket is the Asians.

Oh. No, no, cricket is the Indians. But I, oh, it's the Indians. I was thinking of whatever the British colonies was. You guys weren't colonized by the British. But I, oh, it's the Indians. I was thinking of whatever the British colonies was. You guys weren't colonized by the British. You were just basically, they overthrew the government for you. They took our oil.

So in the early 1900s, when oil is, I used to do this joke. I said, having oil is like being a drug dealer. You gotta know when to get rid of it. You gotta look out the window. You're like, oh shit, the Americans are coming. Flush it down the toilet. Flush it down the toilet.

And Iran was one of those where where so the Brits find there's oil and they come in and like the early 1900s they make a deal with the Iranian government and they go listen we'll just set up British petroleum here and we'll give you a little percentage of the you know and then in like 1950 they want to nationalize the oil so they overthrew the government. Yeah, in 1953, there was a guy named Mossadegh, who was the prime minister. And he goes, you know what? We've had enough. We're going to nationalize our oil.

And that's when the Brits go to the Americans, and they go, this guy's a communist. And Iran's geographical location, it's Soviet Union to the north, so it's actually placed in a very precarious position. And just like countries like Italy, where they have the Communist Party and the Socialist Party and then the, you know, the whatever, the conservative party, they have all these parties. So Iran did have a Communist Party, and so the Brits tell the Americans at the time,

Communism, Cold War, big thing, early 50s. That was the playbook, they did it in Central America, it was always about call them Commun. Yeah that's it. And then send weapons to the rebels. Yeah and let's go overthrow them. Oh my god it's so crazy. Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah my brother-in-law is Iranian and I think he fled the country right around the same time you did. Was that in the late 70s that you left? Yeah, late 70s. So late so. 79 was the overthrow of the government?

79, the Shah leaves. So before that protest start in the streets of Iran. And I would say probably in the early 78 or so protest start. And some of the things that were happening was there was one big fire in this theater, I think it's called the Rex Theater. There was a movie theater and there's people inside, they set fire to it.

Yeah. And... Was it a Steven Seagal movie, is that why? It was a Seagal movie. Yeah. And they were, speaking of which, side story real quickly, America's supposed to be the great Satan. Yeah.

I was talking to this guy who was in Iran during the, cause after the revolution, a war happens between Iran and Iraq. And it's like about a 10 year war where like a million Iranians die. This guy told me, and they would get all these young men to be recruits, right?

This guy told me, he goes, during the Iran-Iraq war, America's the great Satan, but he goes, they would get him and a bunch of other teenagers, they would take us into a movie theater and they would show us Rambo, the most American movie. Yeah, yeah. And he goes, we'd all get fired up with all these young guys. And he goes, we'd come outside of the theater, we'd like playing karate and stuff, and then

the guy would come up and be like, no, go do that to the Iraqis. So they were using Rambo to round these guys up. How crazy is that? I could see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, so the protest started and then my father was actually, my father was a successful businessman in Iran. He had his own electric company.

And I always compare him to the Don Vito, Corleone, because he was the kind of guy who was well connected. And people that needed things done would go to my dad, my dad would take care of them. So he was in New York on business. And I didn't know this until more recently my mom told me, because my father had, he was friends with like the chief of police, a general, he had a lot of connections within the Shah's government.

And once the revolution was starting to happen, they were starting to arrest and execute anybody who was in the Shah's government. So my dad I think felt like I'm at risk here because I'm not in the government but they could equate me to such. So my mom tells a story of how my dad was in New York on business and called my mom and was like,

I'm not coming back. No shit. Yeah, and she goes, what do you mean you're not coming back? He's like, my life's in danger, I can't come back. And she's like, what do you want me to do? He goes, I want you to get the kids and come to America. And she's like, no, I can't leave my family. He goes, well, then you're not gonna see me.

And then my mom tells a story. So we lived in, we had like a compound in your home. My dad was again, well off. So we had a compound where our house was upstairs, like up on the property. My grandmother, my father's mother was in a house at the bottom of the property. And my father was the oldest son of the family

and he'd lost his father at a young age. So his relationship with his mother was very close. He'd helped raise the kids. He was the one who was successful and helped, but he worshiped his mother. So my mom tells a story, she goes, I was devastated, I was like, what does he mean he's not coming?

So she goes, I walked down to your grandmother, my dad's mom, and I was like, she goes, I told him, I just got off the phone with your son, and he said he's not coming back. And she goes, I said that, and he goes, my grandmother just bursts out in tears. Like, what?

And then my mom goes, I realized, oh my God, I forgot the relationship these two have. So she's like, he's not coming back for a couple months. And so she kind of cleaned it up, and she's like, he's not coming back for a couple months. And so she kind of like cleaned it up and she's like, you know, okay, okay. Long story short, my mom got me and my sister. We had my baby brother was in Iran. He was a baby.

So we didn't bring him with us because we thought maybe we'll come back shortly. But you leave him with the grandmother? Left him with the grandmother and nannies and aunts and stuff. Oh, you had a staff. We had a staff. Yeah.

So we, my mom brought me and my sister, I always said we packed for two weeks and we stayed for 50 years or whatever. Uh-huh. Did you sell the house? Well, the sad thing was that my grandmother never got a chance to see my father again because she passed away there.

Oh. And that's why I'm such a proponent of like- Now what about your little brother? My little brother, we got him out like a year or so, like six, seven months later, like, you know, but that's why I'm such a proponent of like... Now what about your little brother? My little brother, we got him out like a year or so, like six, seven months later. But that's why I'm such an advocate for immigrants. Because Americans are so stupid when they go, these guys are coming over here. I go, do you think someone's in a great situation? And they're like, you know what?

I speak the language, my work is great. Let's go somewhere where they hate us. No, they're fleeing a bad situation, and most of them are coming here to work their asses off. And a lot of them, you know, they try to paint it with one brush that all in, you know, Trump, they're gonna, you hear him the other day, they're gonna come in your house and they're gonna slash your throat. They're rapists, they're evil. It's like, first of all, immigrants have a way lower rate of crime in this country than citizens of the United States do. They are like your father, a lot of them are successful

businessmen. And if they're not, if they're poor, they are fleeing death, which is what America stands for. It's what it's always stood for. And if you start rounding them up and throwing them out of the country, you are going to, people are gonna start going to Australia instead. They're gonna start going to England instead. And we are not gonna benefit from what we need, what we count on, which is a workforce

constantly coming in here. Unemployment in this country is under 4%. Who do you think is gonna do all of the manual labor and the agriculture work, all this stuff? It's such an old playbook. They've been doing this for years and years. You blame the immigrants, right? Blame the immigrants.

Yeah, and I always say, first of all, I go, what's gonna happen to your inflation? Your basket of strawberries is five bucks right now. It's gonna be 25 bucks. No one's picking them anymore. We're dying on the vine. Dying on the vine. It's been happening the last couple years.

Yeah, and also, you know, just the fact that most immigrants come, and I again, I try to help whenever I can. There's an organization, she's great, her name is Miri, it's called Miri's List. This like just white Jewish lady with a couple kids. She says she got an email from a friend of hers going like, oh, your kids are older now.

Do you have any car seats or anything left around? Because some refugees came. We want to give it to them. So she starts rounding up different things for these refugees as they come. Eventually, she starts this organization called Mary's List that helps refugees resettle. So I've volunteered for her a few times.

And I volunteered one time to do this event. And she had me interviewing this Afghan family that had recently come. So I'm sitting there talking to the husband and the wife from Afghanistan, and I go, what's your guy's story? The guy goes, I was a translator for the American government, and then when the Taliban took over, I was told that within 48 hours I had to leave or they were going to capture me and execute me. So he goes, I went home, I got my wife, wife my two kids put it all in a suitcase said bye mom. Bye dad. Bye uncle. Bye life and here we are

Americans Facilitate him leaving. I think there was some help with them, you know, but there's I know there was a lot that were left behind Yeah, but my point is that these guys are coming like that guy that that guy first of all is traumatized He put his life on the line to help the United States. Yeah, and also by the way, you're saying bye to your whole life The point is that these guys are coming, that guy first of all is traumatized. He put his life on the line to help the United States. And also by the way, you're saying bye to your whole life. It's like saying, imagine if, again, don't wanna make this all about Trump,

but just recently he was like, I wanna go after the enemy within, right? Imagine if he wins the election and then they go, oh, we've been looking at people's tweets and stuff and you tweeted against them a lot. So you got two days to pack and go. No, it's scary. It's a slippery slope. Wait, so let's get back to your family.

So grandma passes away over there, your brother comes over. Did you sell the house? Yeah, so the house, so this is what happens. So my father had a lot of property in Iran, comes to America with a lot of money. He's one of the guys who got money out, actually. So he liquidated stuff as he got out. He just had a lot of money from different businesses.

He was doing business with these multinationals, like the Halliburton's of the world, but there was Bechtel and stuff. So they were paying him to build an electric company in one of the cities. So his company was a big multinational company. And so he had the money and he comes here and he buys property in the early eighties

in Northern California. Glendale. No, Northern California. We were NorCal. He buys Northern California property, turns around, sells some. He's like, oh, this is great. I'll become a real estate guy. And then he buys a bunch of property and then the early, the recession of the early 80s hits,

and nobody wants to buy the property from him, and the interest rates are high, so he bleeds a lot of that money out. So within that next 10 years, like through the 80s, bleeds out a lot of his money. And that's when he realizes, like 10 years later, the Iranian government comes out and says, because the Iranian government,

there was a big brain drain when the revolution Yeah, right. So the Iranian government realizes Oh, we lost a lot of people and they go listen if you were not in the Shah's government But you have property here in Iran come back. We'll let you do, you know work with it So my dad property just been sitting idle this whole just been sitting there. So like, you know, we had some properties in different places and been sitting idle this whole time? Just been sitting there. So, like, you know, we had some properties in different places. And so my dad goes back in the early 90s. And when he goes back, they go, listen, you haven't paid, like, taxes and stuff for years and years.

You owe a lot of cash. Okay. And he didn't have the cash. And then they do something where they go, you're not allowed to do any business until you pay these taxes. Okay. So he has to go find someone who's got cash, say let's partner up together, you pay these fines,

and then we will, you know. Get these businesses going. Get these properties going. And so the home where I grew up, later my father basically got with somebody and they built like a high rise in that space. And then he had like a condo within the high rise. So he rebuilt.

He rebuilt a little bit, but again, he was older and basically like by the end of his life, he passed away in 2009. He came back to the US and he wasn't doing well, so we went to some hospitals and stuff and you know, he passed away, basically he passed away broke at the end of his life. No shit.

Yeah, he kind of bled it all out. Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're thinking your whole life, I'm sitting pretty, I'm gonna inherit some money from dad. You know, Greg, it's funny because I, the route that I chose, and being the oldest son myself, my father had instilled in me, like, you know, be self-made.

Even though my father, as a kid, again, my dad was like, you know, he was very kind of mafia-like. He'd have a role at hundreds, you know? So I'd go with my buddies. To this day, my buddies are like, I remember we'd go to your dad. We'd be like, we're gonna go to McDonald's. He would whip out a hundred for everybody.

He'd go get yourself something. You know, that kind of guy. Yeah. How old were you when he died? I was, well, 14, 15 years ago, I was like 35, 36. So there's a word, the word is large, L-A-R-J, like large, but large. large is like someone who's very Generous and doing that kind of stuff. That's the name of your next special large. Yeah, I like actually my next word

I'll tell you the next special I want to call Mazio Brownie small wiener loser and I'll tell you why because I do a whole thing now where during the show I'm actually gonna film it soon, I show people like yelling at me on social media, I show the slide, and I did this one joke where I did like what I thought was a Pakistani accent, and this guy loses his mind, he's this Pakistani guy from England,

and he like tweets at me like six, seven times like throughout that, like while I'm still sleeping, he's just going nuts. He's like, I can't believe, he's like you small wiener loser. You're not gonna do the accent again. I do it, I do it, I do it. The small, small, small wiener loser.

It's just so funny. He loses his voice. That's hilarious. It's really funny. But so your dad, so at 35 you were successful. You'd been doing standup. Your father must have been really proud of you Well, I know I mean just some people know the background you were on track. You were on you were on the corporate track

You went to Berkeley. Yeah, then you were getting a law degree. Was it? No, I was gonna get so my parents wanted lawyer again immigrant parents don't know any of this stuff, you know, I mean Non-immigrant parents barely know how this this crap, right? They want lawyer, doctor, real estate. Lawyer, doctor, engineer, right? Yeah. And so I went to Berkeley, I was gonna go to law school. My junior year in college, I studied a year abroad in Italy and realized I don't wanna be a lawyer.

Did you get laid over there? Yeah, I had a girlfriend, it was great. Italian girlfriend. Oh! Dude, it was the best year. Nice! No, she didn't speak English. What was her name? Orietta. Oh. Orietta. Orietta Balbo. She didn't! No, she didn't speak English. What was her name? Orietta.

Orietta Balbo. She didn't speak English? She didn't speak English. My Italian was amazing. When I left, I was writing papers in Italian. I was reading like novels. Writing love letters in Italian. Love letters.

I was great. Yeah. Meanwhile, like all the other Americans that stuck together, they were like, all right, ciao, arrivederci. Yeah. And I was like, hey, arrivederci. I had it, I had it down. But I had a professor there, Vincenzo Pace, that was his name, and this guy had a goatee

and he had like the blazer with like the, I think he might have had the patches. And he had like a little pocket watch. And the class was the sociology of Islam. And so before every class, like there wasn't a class, he'd look at his watch, he'd whip it out and he'd like wait like three, two, one, and then he'd close it and he'd look at us and go, allora, momento, which means like, okay, let's talk about Mohammed.

And I was like, I want to do that. That's awesome. So I came back, I wanted to be a professor, got into a PhD program at UCLA, and then I quickly realized being a professor is not this waxing poetic in front of a bunch of, you know, college students, but rather publish or perish. Yeah, it's about the administration. It's about politics. And yeah, it's such a shame, you know, because that was my dream too. Like when I was, you know, like in high school, I think a little bit, I was an English major in college and I thought about, you know, teaching.

And then the more teachers I spoke, I talked to my professors on the side, like what's it like to like, you don't want to be a professor. Yeah. Isn't it crazy when you talk to someone in that field? That was like my parents telling me to be a lawyer and it was funny because I thought, oh, they know. You always assume your parents know. And then I would talk to lawyers at different parties where they were at and I was like,

oh, you're a lawyer. What was it like? He's like, oh, don't do it. Or they'd be like, you really gotta love it. Well, young comics say to me, what should I do? Or I'm thinking about going into comedy. Unless you have no other options, do not go into comedy. I go try it, go have fun.

Go to an open mic night, go to your fucking friend's wedding and make a toast, it's funny. But if you're talking about taking it on as a career, right now, it is nearly impossible for comedians to get any traction. There's so much comedy. And even if you break through, you're not gonna make any money.

Guys like us, we're grandfathered in. We were on the road back when there was a place for people that weren't social influencers. I'm competing on the road against guys that have 10 million followers and they do some funny videos that get traction and now they're headlining and they're selling it out. And I've been doing it for 35 years and I come in

and I'm a vet, I know how to do an hour of real standup comedy. But I'm a vet. I know how to do an hour of real stand-up comedy, but I'm doing it to three quarters full for crowds that's sold out. But you and I can do that because we've built up a reputation. Yeah, well that's crazy too. It's funny you say that because

I also am confused about, because there was a minute there where I got on that social media wave. Oh, you did? Well, I would post stand up or crowd work or whatever and it was like, and the numbers were going, going, going, going. And then suddenly it's just gone like this. And there's this algorithm thing where I'm like, I either have done something that it's suppressing me, something weird is going on.

How long had this happened? This is probably like within the past year, year and a half where I feel like it used to be where a video would get hundreds of thousands if not a million views. Now it's getting like tens of thousands. If it gets 100,000, I'm lucky. And it was interesting because, and then I kind of thought about it the other way, I follow a bunch of people,

I will only see the same five people over and over again every time I open up my page. So something definitely different is happening in that world. And to your point, I always feel like I still got the goods. You come to my show, you're gonna leave going, that was a good time, and I'm gonna feel like it was a good time.

No, I just watched your special. You know, it's an hour. It's an hour for me. It's not 15 minutes spread out over an hour, which is what you see a lot. A lot of these people are getting specials because they check some boxes for Netflix. They've never left New York or LA,

so they've never done more than 15 minutes, and now they're doing an hour special. Your special that you did at the Comedy Store is just bam, bam. It's like your feet are planted on the ground, and you're delivering strong comedy. And you don't see that in a lot of specials. Yeah, yeah, no, that's in the same,

not to make this a complimentary thing. Oh, please do. But yours too, I was watching yours last night, I was laughing the one you did in the mothership. I was like, it finishes, goes to the next thing, finishes, and it's just, like you said, but that's what we learn, right? Yeah, right. That's how we, but that's, and so to your point, when you say you tell people not to get next thing, finishes, and it's just, like you said, but that's what we learn, right? That's how we, but that's, and so to your point, when you say, you tell people not to get into it,

I always say, because it's funny, I give the same advice to everybody. I go, if you're really serious about this, get on stage as much as you can, ride as much as you can. I think that still is a thing, except now I tag on top of that, put out clips and work your social media. But the fact is, I've said that to so many people,

and many have kind of been like, oh yeah, yeah, and I'm like, that guy's not gonna do it. And then there's been some that I will see again, like five, 10 years later, and they hustle and they're doing it, and they're serious. And we know those guys, and I almost take pride, because unfortunately in our world,

it's not like music where you then can say, you know what, I'm gonna produce you, I'll produce you, and you guys are under the Greg Fitzsimmons label. We can advise them and take them on the road with us, but then they're on their own. Yeah, there's people that I have, men and women, that I have kind of mentored, you know? Like I look at their, like a guy yesterday sent me,

a guy I've been working with for probably 10 years, and he hasn't broken through at there, like a guy yesterday sent me, a guy I've been working with for probably 10 years. And he hasn't broken through at all, but I believe in this guy. And he's just super funny, but he's in LA. And I keep saying, man, go to Denver, go to Cleveland and get tons of stage time, start working the satellite rooms,

you can start doing 45 minutes on a regular basis, drive two hours to an Indian casino or whatever. But LA, it's just, you're not getting, Jacob Feldman is the kid's name, and he just sent me a tape yesterday, and he just keeps getting better all the time. But like, and I bring him on the road sometimes, but it's just so fucking hard.

But you know, also, I think now these guys do need to do the videos and the online stuff. I say, I got into this business. He doesn't do enough of that. Yeah, I got into this business to be Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, George Carlin, whatever, whoever I was watching at the time. I wanted to be like those guys.

Now you gotta be Martin Scorsese. You gotta have your camera set up, get the shots. And I watch a lot of, clips come along, Now you gotta be Martin Scorsese. You gotta have your camera set up. Right. Get the shots. Yep. And I watch a lot of, I get clips come along because our boys now and our daughters too, but my son sends me clips of people that he finds. He's like, oh, look at this guy. And I'm like, I don't know this guy.

And I look at the angles the person has. And then there's this whole thing of like the way you label it and the way you, you know. That's what I like about your videos. You have really good, they call them thumbnails, which is the shot that you're seeing that invites you to the video. You get good captions, you got colors up there.

They look great. Yeah. I gotta take a page from your book on that. Dude, I, and I, and I. Do you do all that yourself? I barely know what I'm doing. No, I got different people that help me. I had people that I would pay to do stuff for my Instagram, now I got this girl,

she's overseas and she's helping me out. Overseas, where's that? She's between Finland, no, Iceland and Italy, she's a Persian girl living out there. How'd you find her? Because there was this Persian guy that used to do my stuff who was really like a nerd about this, all this stuff, he found me because he was a fan and he was like,

hey, your Instagram is, because I just post myself, and he was like, hey, your Instagram is, because I just post myself, it's just really not where it needs to be, let me help you out. And he suggested something that helped me for sure, because there aren't that many Iranian Americans in the game, and so he was like, look, you have a lot of fans in Iran that if you put subtitles, they'll start following.

So I was like, all right, if you can subtitle it in Persian. So if you look at my Instagram, it's got it in English and in Persian. My TikTok is just English. So are you like Russell Peters, where you go to certain countries overseas and you're a bigger draw than you are in this country? Not necessarily.

Russell, see, there's Indians everywhere. Indians are everywhere. I married one. I mean, Russell, I think, helped me with that line. He's like, yeah, see there's Indians everywhere. Indians are everywhere. I married one. I mean, Russell, I think, helped me with that line. He's like, yeah, you got an Indian wife. He's like, odds are you're going to marry an Indian or a Chinese person. It's like that's not me there.

But I was, there are Iranians everywhere as well. I always say, I go, if you really want to have a good touring career internationally, come from a country that had turmoil. Because then they all have to leave. touring career internationally, come from a country that had turmoil. Yeah. Because then they all have to leave. It gets spread out, yeah, yeah. So the base of my fan base in certain places, like if I go to Australia,

or I'm getting ready to go to Europe for a tour, so like Stockholm has a lot of Iranians, the base of the audience are Iranians, and then others discover you by being either Iranian adjacent, they married in, or they find you, obviously the algorithm, right? If enough people see something, then the algorithm pushes it out so I my numbers are not nearly as big as Russell's are but it does help yeah

yeah yeah yeah it's crazy yeah yeah no I go I try to find the Irish people and that's my new tour is called crazy rich Irish crazy Crazy Rich Irish, I like it, why not? Listen dude, here's the thing, it's like, it's about, it's about like, you're a brand, right? So if whatever that thing is that gets them in the door, and then you're gonna deliver. That's the thing we have, which is like 20, 30 years in, we're gonna deliver, we're not gonna be just like, I hate it when people, I try to emphasize,

I do this little bit at the end of my show where I go, guys, and I do, I try to emphasize, I do this little bit at the end of my show where I go, guys, you know, and I do, I love having a diverse audience, and I go, guys, this show is for everybody. And I go to this day, and this is true, like every once in a while I get this email from this one Persian lady, it's a different Persian lady, but it's the same Persian lady, who will say,

you know, I wanna come to the show and bring my colleague, but I don't know if he's gonna understand the show, because he doesn't speak Persian. And I write her back, I go, well, the show's in English. speak Persian. Yeah. Yeah. I write her back I go well the show's in English. She goes it is? I go yeah haven't you seen any of my clips online? She goes no I don't watch that bullshit. Can you do a show in Persian? Not really I speak Persian fluently. Yeah. But the problem is that you have to have the A you have to have a command of the language B you have to have a command of kind of like pop

culture pop culture and all that stuff. Idioms and stuff. Idioms. Max Amini has done stand-up in Persian and he did a great job because he lived there for a while later in his life. Yeah. Sometimes I tell him- Is he Iranian? Yeah, he's Iranian.

I go, Max, you doing this in Persian? I go, messed it up for me because I think just because you did it in Persian, I'm going to do it in Persian. Well, there's more guys doing Spanish shows now. Like I talked to Jesus Trejo. Yes. He goes down to Mexico and does shows all over the place. Yeah, I talked to um Who is the other guy? Probably probably Francisco Ramos Marcelo Hernandez was doing. Oh, yeah, so Marcelo. Dude, that guy's funny. He's great

I was pulling into the lot at the comedy store. He's such a nice guy too. He's like hey Mas He goes he goes, uh, do you speak Spanish? I go, a little bit. He goes, you want to do five minutes on my show? I go, Marcelo, it's going to be very disappointing because I'm going to go up there and be like, hola, como estas? And then I'll be like, that's all I got.

But that actually made me go, I want to like, because I did speak Italian, I want to start taking Spanish classes just to get five or maybe 10 minutes of Spanish stand up. Because by the way, the Spanish speaking audience, I think is more, like my audience, coming from that part of the world, they're more conservative, not religiously conservative,

but just a little more buttoned up. Again, engineers, right? So if you go out there and you start doing like fart jokes and stuff like that, or like raunchy jokes, I think that they might be a little more judgmental, but I feel like the Spanish speaking audience is a little more open to raunchier material. So I was watching that audience and I was like,

I'm envious of these guys. I should learn, just as a challenge, I should learn some Spanish and go do a five to 10 minute set and just be like the Gary Owen of the, you know, how he's the white guy in the black rooms yeah yeah well there's a there was a bunch of guys it was Ricky Gervais and a couple other guys it might have been um uh who's the trans Eddie Izzard yeah and like one of you and they all went

let's learn and I can't remember the language, it might've been, I think it was a Scandinavian language. They bet each other that in a year they could all do a show up there. Oh, that's cool. It's like, we're all just struggling to write jokes in English. These guys are writing them in other language. Meanwhile, Eddie's running, not Eddie anymore,

I forget his, her new name, but she runs, you know about this, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, I met? 30 marathons in a month. Yeah, first of all, I didn't realize that he became she, but I do know I met him one time. We were both doing stand-up in Istanbul. There was a comedy festival. And I sat, we had lunch together, and great person, and was telling me about the marathon stuff. That's someone who's like a genius level kind of person who's like I'm gonna run marathons and I'm gonna do,

they did stand up in I think multiple languages in multiple countries. Yes. Oh, and is running for parliament in England. Yes, yes. And is smart enough to actually know stuff once they're in that position. But I actually, I'm actually gonna go,

because I'm doing this European tour, and I always do it all in English, but I'm gonna be in Italy for the first time, found a 200-seat room in Milan, so I'm gonna go to Italy, and I haven't really, my problem, Greg, is I think I might have ADHD, and we recently were involved in trying to figure out for our kids if they have it,

and as we were talking to the therapist, I was like, oh my god, I have every symptom you're talking about So I come up with these ideas that I think are great, you know, I just don't put in enough time So going into my Italian show, I'm not gonna sit and write jokes leading up to it But the night of I will get on stage and clown around in Italian. Yeah, and just have fun with it Yeah, you know and just have fun with it. And they'll love it. I love it. I remember going to Montreal and I studied French and I actually was in Tulsa, Oklahoma

two days ago and I was taking the Uber with my friend Dion Curry who features for me on the road, and we get in the cab, in an Uber, and the guy is talking French, he's, and I just start talking to him in French, and I was like, I did not know I remembered French. And we talked for 15 minutes, we got out of the cab and Dion's like, what the fuck was that? I go, I don't know, I don't know what just happened.

But like when you go to Montreal and you open with just a couple sentences in French, they go crazy, they love it. Dude, I wish, like, I wish I, and that's one of the things that I'm a little, I regret with my kids too, I wish I would have spoken Persian with them. My wife being Indian, we just spoke English at the house.

But just like being multilingual is such a cool thing and it opens up so many doors. Yeah, my brother-in-law, he only speaks in Farsi to his kids. Wait, if he's Iranian, why does he speak Farsi? It's the same thing. We say Persian or we say Farsi. You know, it's like there's a whole... Our people don't get along with each other. Like, my people, it's like they argue over everything. Are we Iranian? Are we Persian? Are we speaking Persian? Are we speaking Farsi? Yeah. Is it Nourouz, which is the new year, or is it spelled N-O-W-R-U-Z, or is it N-O-U-R-O-Z?

We are... Well, it's like the Dutch, you know? It's the Netherlands, but they're Dutch, and they speak Flemish. What the fuck? Yeah, yeah. There's so much of that stuff. I guess the thing was like, I think the word Persian comes from from like I think it was the name that the Greeks gave the country. I was listening to this great podcast It was called empires. They go through all the empires. It's these British. Oh, I love that It's on it's on Spotify. Just look look at they go through all the empires These like British people who that are there are like, you know historians and they bring on different guests and it's great They even here's who we colonized and destroyed their culture this week.

It's so great, because you hear all these crazy stories of the things that they were doing back then. I actually was having dinner with another history professor the other day, and my son was with me, and they were giving me some information. I go, this is why I like having dinner with people that are smart you learn stuff so they were telling me for example before the the dynasty there the the the monarchy that was overthrown in the most recent Iranian

revolution was the Pahlavi's that was his name Reza Pahlavi before them there was the Qajars Q A J AR soJ-A-R. So they were telling me they go back in the day the Qajars would, if they wanted to kill somebody, they would put poison in their coffee and it became known as the Qajari coffee. So he said later on, like under the Pahlavis, there was the, I guess the prime minister, whoever it was, that was in parliament would sometimes be like, give that guy a Kajari coffee. Which was like, get rid of him. I was like, how cool is that, man?

So these little things you learn. You offered to bring me coffee today. Yes I did, I was gonna bring you, not the Kajari, I like you, I like you. All right, all right. So let me ask you some questions here. Yes sir. I got some.

You were, oh I noticed this on your resume, I looked it up. You were on Cedric the Entertainer Presents, which I was a writer on. I don't remember what you did on the show. So this is actually an interesting story. So they put a call out, they said if you have a sketch you can do solo, come and audition with it. So at the time I was doing sketch comedy at the Acme Theater, which is kind of like the Groundlings,

but a lower level. Not lower, it just wasn't as well known. It was a lower level. Alex Borstein was there, Adam Carolla, Joel McHale. Oh, there you go, all right. We had a handful, we had a handful. Anyway, so I went and auditioned. I had this one sketch that I'd done where this guy,

he's this Middle Eastern guy doing food delivery for this American lady, and he works at his, he's come from the Middle East, and he's working at his uncle's falafel shop, and they've sent him to deliver, and part of the delivery, the uncle has said, when you do the delivery, you also gotta do a birthday dance.

And the birthday dance is me just like, I just, I put on this music and it goes, ding-a-de-de-de-de-de-de, and it goes, it's like this Middle Eastern music, and I just, I start going, happy birthday, and then go, tit-tit-tit-tit, and I go, happy birthday. I just keep doing it, and I just start stripping. It's kinda coming back to me.

Yeah, and then, and then the sketch, the girl is like, what, no, don't do it, it's like, please, I have to do it, or I will be fired. So I just do it all the way. So I was like, oh, we could do't do it. I was like, please, I have to do it or I will be fired. So I just do it all the way. So I was like, oh, we could do this as a sketch to the camera, right? So I come in, I audition, I get that, I get cast. Ken Jeong got.

Royale Watkins got cast. He did a bit about golfing. And the third guy that got cast was Fred Armisen, who used to do his ideas. Me as the drummer. I remember that, yeah. So me, Fred, and Royale are getting ready to film it. This is for Fox. Yep. We're getting ready to film it and we all get calls from our agents. They go don't film, don't film. I go what's going on? We read

the contract, the long form. It says they will own your character. Oh shit. Really? Yeah and they're paying you a thousand bucks. Yeah. And at the time I'd never had any of my work be on TV. So I was like, but I really want to get it on TV. They go, don't do it. So we leave and in the interim, first of all, good for Fred Armisen, because in the interim he ends up getting cast on SNL. Which by the way, if he had signed the paper, done it,

Fox could have been dicks about it and been like, no, you can't do that character on SNL. That was one of his big characters on SNL. And I think for Royale and I, they worked it out where they said Fox will own it for six months, you can't do it anywhere. And I was like, where else am I gonna do it? So I came back and I did it, and I think Louie actually

was the director of that bit, I think. I think they had him direct it. Yeah, Louie was the co-EP, and then he used to direct all the, you know, he would do the single unit stuff. So they had me, so that's, I did that, and as a matter of fact, that's where I met JB Smoove. Yep.

And his wife, and after that, whenever I would see them, they'd be like, happy birthday! Yeah! And then they brought me back for a couple of other, like, sketches as, like, a guest star. Yeah, I vaguely remember, I mean, that was a long time ago, that was 2000 and... Probably like two, three, one.

2001, yeah, my son was one years old when I got hired on that show. Sean Majumder. Yep. Amy Brissett, was that her name? Amy Brissett. Yes. I just saw Amy maybe a year and a half ago in Denver, I was doing shows, she reached out, I said come out.

Yeah, yeah. And then, what's his name? Of course, Kyle Dunnigan. Kyle Dunnigan. And then the writing staff was crazy. It was Louis, Jerry Minor, remember Jerry Minor? Yeah, yeah, remember Jerry, yeah. And then there was a guy who,

by the way, Ken Jeong also did one of those sketches. Oh, did he, okay. And he did, he came out with an acoustic guitar and he did a rap song. Yeah, I remember, he was great. And that was his first TV credit also. Yeah. But there was a writer on the show who was, you know,

good dude, really funny writer. He'd written on Mr. Show. He was a very accomplished writer. Right. And he came on, he used to score a lot of interesting stuff on the show. And then he was sober since he was, one of these guys who was sober since he was like 17,

like he'd really fucked up as a teenager. And he knew that I hadn't drank. I'm not sober, but in the sense that I don't go to meetings, but I haven't drank in whatever, 34 years. So at the time I haven't drank in whatever. So he says to me, you know, I'm thinking about drinking just because I haven't and I don't know if it was just a teenage thing

and that I would be able to drink now. And he goes, what do you think? And I go, I don't know, it doesn't sound like a good idea. I go, let me talk to my aunt, because my aunt had been an AA for her whole life. Sure. Call her up. I say, there's this guy on the staff

and he's thinking about trying it again. I go, what do you think? And I'm convinced she's going to go, and that's terrible. She goes, sometimes you need to touch the bottom again. Sometimes you need to remind yourself. Oh geez. I was like, really? She's like, yeah. So I tell him and he's like, uh, every Friday we would have scotch. I wouldn't, but the staff would all have scotch at the end of the taping. Friday nights it would be like 11 o'clock at night, we'd have some scotch.

So he has a glass of scotch. Oh God. And then we all leave and then Monday comes, he doesn't show up for work. Oh no. Tuesday he shows up unshaven. Oh no. And he went down the fucking, he went down.

That fast? That fast, like lost his relationship, blah blah blah. The last I heard of him was pictures of him, he had charged the Capitol on January 6th. Are you serious? I swear to God! What the hell? He's in jail now I think. Oh no. Yeah.

Oh man. So I gotta call my aunt and just say. Bad advice. Maybe go a different direction next time somebody asks you that. Well you know, it's funny, because I've had relatives that struggle with that as well, and I remember somewhere they were saying,

I was at some meeting listening to people talk, and one of the guys was saying, he goes, when your mind sees that pill or that drink at a party and it just kind of clocks it, he goes, that's your mind getting ready to, to, um, you know, uh, basically go, you know, try it in six months. Like it, it, it plants the seed. Well, that's the thing that I've learned because I did go to, I did go to AA early on and I went to a lot of Al-Anon, because my father was an alcoholic. And I learned that when you clock that pill,

or that drink, and I would find myself smelling drinks, and when that happened, you immediately go, that's a red flag, what's going on in here? And to stop, go to therapy, talk to some friends, journal, figure out what the fuck is going on. And that's why, that's how I've lasted. That's the number one thing that's let me last this long is that exactly what you're saying.

When you notice that you're noticing, that means that you're, I mean, what is, I mean, substance abuse is basically, you're running away from anxiety and loneliness. And so the greatest thing you can do is if you're feeling like that, reach out to a friend, go to lunch, say yes, that's my thing. When somebody says, I say yes now, that's my thing.

And I forgot to recently. Me and my wife were walking last week, and I talk about this on the show a little bit last week. And we were walking through the marina and there was a bunch of people set up at some picnic tables and they had bongo drums. And they were gonna get a drum circle going. They go, come on over and play a drum.

I said to my wife, should we do it? She's like, I don't know. And I was like, all right. And we just kept walking. And it haunted me for the rest. I was like, I didn't play the fucking bongo drum. And it reminded me, my New Year's resolution was say yes. Yeah, you're right.

So then I was, so I went to Tulsa this weekend and I went to the Bob Dylan Museum. I went to the, there's a famous recording studio called Church that I went to. I went to Tulsa, there was a Tulsa Massacre. Did you ever hear about the Tulsa Massacre? Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah. They have a museum, I went to. I went to Tulsa. There was a Tulsa Massacre. Did you ever hear about the Tulsa Massacre? Yeah, yeah, of course. They have a museum. I went to that. About to get on my flight, I get a text from somebody, hey, I got two tickets for the Dodgers-Mets game tonight. Do you want to go?

Meanwhile, I'm fucking exhausted. I'm getting in at 4.15. The game's at 5.15. Wow. And I text my girlfriend. No, I really can't. And then I went, what am I doing? I go, if it's not too late. Yeah. And I text my wife. She picks me up at the And then I went, what am I doing? I go, if it's not too late, yeah. And I text my wife, she picks me up at the airport, we go to the game. At the game, my friend goes, hey I got the Clippers tickets tomorrow night, and I'm like, now I haven't been home

in four fucking nights. Yes, I'll see you there. Take an Uber down, meet them. And every time I do it, I get energy from it. You always think I'm too tired to do this. You forget that when you do things, I get energy from it. You always think I'm too tired to do this. You forget that when you do things, you draw energy from it. Yeah, well you gotta go for it.

You're absolutely right. Because as touring comedians, we're up at night, we're wired up, and then the next day, sometimes I sit there and I go, I just wanna sleep in, I don't wanna do anything. Especially like I do drink, but like I try to control. I also, my father was also an alcoholic. You drink red wine, right?

Red wine sometimes, sometimes tequila. Yeah. But I, and I see I lost my brother to addiction actually. So we've had addiction in our family. So I get a little worried sometimes if I do like too many nights in a row and I'm like, okay, you got to slow down. But if I don't, it's funny, cause especially as I'm getting older, when I don't have a

drink the night before, I wake up the next day, I'm like, I feel so fresh. And I'm like, what am I thinking? Why am I drinking the night before? And to that point I was actually in, we were in Denver and we were just talking about, the Dodgers were in town because we saw a lot of people walking around with Dodger jerseys. And I'm an A's fan, but I'm also living in LA now in the Shohei Otani. So I told my opening act, I go, you know what,

let's get a couple tickets to go to the Colorado Rockies game, we went up and we hung out and it was fun. You know, it was interesting. He's got, yeah, you gotta go for it. I know, and also like if you have a podcast, like I need shit to talk about. I need to, you look at Bert Kreischer. I mean, I go on tour with him once in a while,

and I mean, you're up in the morning, and you're going to the amusement park, and then you're going to, they have people come, they had a petting zoo one day, like they have like a local animal, whatever, and his people arrange to have animals bought over. Was he always like that energetic? Always like that.

Right, cause I know. He used to do morning radio and he would invite everybody on morning radio to not go to work that day, meet him at the club at noon and drink. Oh my God. And he would do a show at noon and everybody gets shitfaced.

He'd drink all day. Wow. Do his shows that night. Wow, he really is the machine. He's shows that night. That was his regular thing. He's the machine. It's no joke. Yeah, it's funny because to your point, I've actually, I had a podcast for a while

and then I stopped and I've been wanting to start again. Minivan Men? We had Minivan Men, which we should've continued, we didn't, it was me, Al Madrigal, Chris Spencer. And then we just all got distracted and went other ways. And then I had one called Back to School with Maz Jobrani. We did that for a while and then I stopped. And again, this whole thing of the ADHD,

and it's not an excuse, but I think that I just have these ideas and I start and I don't. But I do wanna get back, as a matter of fact, I was driving over here today, I was like, gosh, if I had my own podcast, I'd have to be like, you know, doing research, getting ready. I was like, am I ready for this?

Because there's so much going on. I told you, we're remodeling the house and I gotta get this and I got the, so, but you know, doing research, getting ready. I was like, am I ready for this? Because there's so much going on. You know, I told you we're remodeling the house and I gotta get this and I got the, so, but you do, you gotta just focus and compartmentalize and get it done. Yep. And you got experience. Lists. Lists.

I have ADD bad. And I take, I take Ritalin, I write lists. It helps a lot, huh? Oh, without the lists, I literally like, when I wake up and I can't find my list, I go into a complete panic. What about the Ritalin? I'm asking about the Ritalin, does that help? Oh, R wake up and I can't find my list I go into a complete panic What about the Ritalin? I'm asking about the Ritalin. Ritalin I don't take it I used to take it every day for 15 years

Yeah, and now I take it as needed. I didn't take it today because I don't know I was like if I have a guest I'm like, oh god, I better take Ritalin for this one But it's you and I'm like, oh, we're good. Yeah Yeah, but if I have a if I I have writing projects that I have deadlines on, I'll take it, or like sometimes on a Monday, I've been away, I know I gotta accomplish a lot, I gotta big list, take a Ritalin, get it done. But it's different for everybody, it really is.

I mean, the thing that people don't realize is with ADD, before you go to the drugs, get on an exercise program. Learn to meditate, make lists, read a good book about it. There's a lot of resources besides the drugs. And then if you do the drugs, try to do them as minimally as possible, especially if it's a kid. Yeah, no, I hope to, like you said, I hope to not have to do the drugs, but my best writing

when it comes to script writing or even doing the podcast and stuff was when I have a partner, so then I've had to show up. Absolutely. You know what I'm saying? That always helps. Or if I've taken a class. Classes are great too, because they go, you need to have this thing done by that date. Because otherwise, I just started the screenplay

and I got like 20, 30 pages in, I'm like, okay, let me give it a break. And then I started a one man show and I'm like about 20 pages in. But I'm on to do it, I'm doing it. But then you look back and you go, oh my God, 10 years have gone by and I haven't done it. I'm a starter, I'm a great starter.

But that's what's great about the studio is we're here and my producer Paul Roman, who owns this place, is, you know, he's got this green screen studio. And he is just got a ton of great equipment and he's calling it an incubator space. And I'm really excited to like grow projects out of here. And if you ever have stuff you want to do, this is the place you come. And we're going to get the community to come in. Yeah, maybe I'll start my podcast and come here.

And then we'll just switch chairs and I'll interview you. Right, and the background, can you see the background there? I love it, yeah. We do a different background every show. We're gonna start to do, what's the technology we're doing next? We're not talking about it. We're not talking, oh that's right.

We're not talking. But we have a whole new technology we're bringing in that nobody else is using. Oh great. And it's incredible. So I'm excited to follow through on this stuff. And because you talk about social media and plateauing, I just put out a special.

And it's been out for a month and we got like 400,000 views. But now it's plateauing. And I realized for me to keep pushing it, I need to do interesting social media stuff. So I'm trying to come up with segments that I can do on this stage to put out that look different, sound different, because if it looks like everybody else's,

it just gets lost in the mess. Yeah, I think part of it is, we look at, you look at the Bobby Lee, Andrew Santino, they did a good job of cutting those clips up and putting them on YouTube, like them, and I think those cut, or like Theo Vonn's another one who's cut, I think those caught, or like Theo Vonn's another one who's caught. I think if you cut these things in an interesting way,

it catches. The other thing I started doing with my special, cause I also started plateauing. I started at the end of my show, cause I mean, I have this little thing where I show people tweeting at me, but you can also, you don't have to have that, but if you find a way to get QR codes

that lead to your special. Oh yeah? At the end of my special, I put the QR code on the screen. You could actually have every club just get these little flyers, have them at the tables. And at the end of the show go, guys, who's seen my special? Because every time I do it,

who's seen my, 10 people in the audience. Exactly. I go, guys, I go, do me a favor. Just get your phone out, hit the QR code. I go, I don't even care if you watch it. I just want you to hit play walk away I want YouTube to think you watch it if enough of you watch it I make a dollar, you know, and so people reluctantly would take their phones out and do the QR code Right. So at least you're getting like over a weekend You're getting whatever the number of people are over and over and over again

Seeing your thing and they're gonna tell people. Yeah and and getting the numbers Yeah, so that's one way for you to reach to your actual, or even if you're doing, you know, posting. The podcast can have the QR code. You have the QR code, you know, at the beginning when you go, you know, hey, this is who we got this week. Don't forget, hit the QR code. Don't have to watch it.

Just hit the QR code. If you like it, keep watching it. If you don't, walk away. Leave it on for 20 minutes. Leave it on for 20 minutes. If you have two devices, two QRs, get the hell out. Just, that's the game. All right, it's time for Fastballs with Fitz.

Fastball with Fitz. Answer these questions. That's all you gotta do. Yes, fast, let's go. There are two types of people in the world. Yes. Go. Good and bad.

That's it? Oh, you to elaborate? Do you really think? I thought you wanted like quick. I mean not that quick. I mean good and bad. What are you? Jesus Christ? No there's like assholes and then there's like people like because there's a lot of assholes. There's grades of it. Some people have parts of them that are assholes but then they're also altruistic. No there's a lot of asshole-y type people, which it blows my mind how asshole-y they can be, and how okay they are with being assholes. Right, and how successful they can be.

And how successful they can be, and how they can spiral and make excuses for their asshole-ness. Yeah. Right? They're the types who you'll be like, yeah, you stole your way to the top. They go, yeah, well, you gotta pull yourself up

from the bootstrap, that kinda guy. And you're like, what a dick. And then there's the other kind who, and of course, there's many people in the middle, but then there's the other kind who shock you how nice they are. And I'm like, how are you so nice? I worry about those people.

I don't trust them. No, well, I sometimes think, wow, this person is just like, they have a hard time being an asshole. And also to your point, they probably have deeper issues to deal with. Yeah. Like they're, they're, they're compensating for something that happened as a child. And like they just, they just, they don't want to harm anybody. Do you know Matt Knutson? Yes. Matt Knutson is a guy who I've known for so long. I play golf with him every Friday, not every Friday, but a lot of Fridays.

He is the nicest guy I've ever met. He is absolutely. And truly nice to his core. Yeah. And I look at him sometimes and I go, when are you gonna snap? Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna find out something about you,

but I never have. He really is that guy. Matt is one of those guys, there's a guy named Eunice, the guy who does my videos now, Eunice Darer, this poor guy, he left Iraq as a young kid, he fled Iraq with his family, lost his father at a young age. Nicest guy, I'm like, you're so nice.

And actually, now I try to be nice to people, and it's funny because I've had a few people tell me, Domarero was like, hey, I was talking to some other comedian, and we decided you're the nicest comedian. And I was like, oh thanks, I go, not the funniest? Yeah.

You're the nicest. I'm like, well, that sucks. Dude, that happened to me. Santino and Lee were doing their podcast. Yeah. No, no, no, it was Bobby Lee and Theo Vaughn. And Bobby goes, who do you think are like the 10 nicest comedians?

And they riffed on that. And then Bobby goes, number one, Greg Fitzsimmons. Theo Vaughan went, absolutely. And I went, same thing, not the funniest. Isn't that crazy? And because like, I worked with a guy this weekend who was the feature. And the opening act was horrible. I've been there.

So we walk out and I go, man that guy was awful and then he goes, he goes, yeah he's a really nice guy and I go, who cares? Yeah, who cares about that? You gotta be funny. It's so funny. It is really our ego and the other one that I had, which was along those lines, you know Debbie Gutierrez? You know Debbie? Debbie hits me up, she goes, oh my God, I was listening to Marc Maron right now.

And I listen to Maron's podcast. That's where I heard you recently. I told you guys did a great job together. She goes, I just listened to Marc Maron. And at the end of his podcast, there was a Q&A. And someone asked him, someone emailed said, if you were at the comedy show, you're about to die, who would be the last person you'd wanna see?

And he said, Maz Jobrani. No way. That was crazy, of all people, Mark. Yeah, yeah. So I hit him up, I go, hey Mark, you know, Debbie told me this, and thanks. And then he goes, yeah, you're a nice guy. And again, I was like, wait a minute,

you just wanna see a nice face on the way out? He just didn't want someone to be like, Meron, you suck. You don't wanna have a laugh on the way out? Yeah, don't laugh someone to be like, Meron, you suck. You don't have a laugh on the way out? Yeah, I don't laugh with it. And it was funny that, again, it was like a compliment. Yeah. And a little thing to the ego.

Yeah, now look at the end of the day. I'll take nice at the end of my life. Why not? That's not bad. Have you ever won any awards? Yes. I did a movie called Jimmy Vestwood, American Hero. You produced and wrote that, didn't you? I co-wrote it with my buddy Amir Ohabzian. Yes, I did a movie called Jimmy Vestwood American Hero.

You produced and wrote that, didn't you? I co-wrote it with my buddy Amir Ohabzian. We co-produced it. And it was like my homage to the old Pink Panthers. I was a bumbling idiot who comes from Iran to America and saves the day. I love it. And the movie itself was, you know, it had some,

it was funny for like the first 20 minutes, and then it kinda like, I think, loses its steam a little bit. And again, it was fun, it was funny for like the first 20 minutes and then it kinda like I think loses its steam a little bit and again it was fun, it was silly and it was made for 12 year old boys. And to this day I run into 12 year old boys who are like quoting it and that's all I wanted. And so we entered it in the Austin Film Festival, not South by Southwest but the Austin Film Festival.

We won Best Comedy Screen, and we also won, I think, best comedy movie. I think we won two awards. So there you go. Yes, I'm an award winner. What have you turned down recently? Oh gosh, I recently turned down this part just because of the timing, and it really bummed me out.

This just shows you how crazy this business is. I have not worked on a movie or a TV show in a while. I mean, I've done a little- Nobody has. This hasn't been a business. Yeah, but maybe a little thing in an independent film. I keep getting people hitting me up going like, we're shooting this five minute short

and it shoots in Ottawa. We'll pay for you to fly out. You got no lines in it, but we want you in it because you have like, whatever, a bunch of followers on Instagram and maybe it'll help sell it. I'm like, no. So there's a project, I know the author, it's based on a book this author wrote

and he's had a lot of movies made and I know the author. So when the audition came in, and the part was an Iranian guy in LA who's working in the, like gets caught up in the jewelry business. And it's a small part, but in a big movie with big stars. It's like a heist movie and basically his jewels get stolen, right? And it was great, because I was like,

I'm not gonna be a terrorist, I'm not gonna be, you know, whatever, I'm just this guy, you know. And when I saw that it was based on the book of this author, I know the author from having him had him on my podcast, and he was very complimentary about my comedy, and I'm a fan of his. So I reset, I go, hey man, I just got an audition in this movie based on your thing. He goes, oh, I'll put a good word in for you. Fantastic.

Comes back, and I do the audition, and I felt good about it. They come back and they go, yeah we need you from this date to this date. And it happens to be, I've been sitting around twiddling my thumbs now for a while. It fell exactly on the dates of my European tour. Where I'm about to take, like it was from day one to the date.

And I go, what are they on? And now we're going back and forth going, can you guys move it at all? It's a four month shoot, you can't put it somewhere else? No, you know, if you really wanna do it, you gotta cancel your European tour. And it's not like I'm canceling a weekend at some improv. Now when you've been selling these tickets

for the last three months, yeah. What are the odds of that? So I had to turn it down. Oh, okay. Yeah, there you go. Have you ever not finished a set on stage? Have I ever not finished? No, I've finished a set,

the closest I got to not finishing a set. So in 2006, we're currently experiencing this crazy war with Israel and Palestine. In 2006, Israel was fighting with Lebanon against Hezbollah and there was a lot of bombings going into Lebanon. And at the time, they were bombing these buildings and they were saying that there's Hezbollah in the buildings but innocent people were dying. And there's a guy named John Bolton who was the, he's the hawk, and he was the US

ambassador to the United Nations. And this is under the Bush administration. Yeah. And he was ahead of the NSA later. He was all that. So he was, he came out and there was a quote of him, he was an interview and he goes, well America's not calling for a ceasefire between Israel and Lebanon because we don't know what that would accomplish. And when I saw that I go, what do you mean you don't know? What that would accomplish is less people dying,

just in general. I'm anti-war. So I was in DC doing a big show in front of a DC crowd which tends to be more liberal. And they also knew at the time who John Bolton was. I did the joke and I did a joke about it. It wasn't the best joke, but I did a joke about John Bolton. He looks like a walrus.

I kind of made fun of him. Yeah, he had a big white mustache. The audience liked it. A couple nights later I was in New York at the Comedy Cellar doing the same joke on like a Tuesday night. And as I'm doing it, some Jewish guy in the audience with like the yarmulke, like hardcore, like pro Israel, he starts kind of booing me. And I go, what are you booing?

And he's like, you don't know what you're talking about. I go, what do you mean I don't know what you're talking about? I say, ceasefire. And he said something, I said something, we start arguing, and it starts escalating, and Artie Fuqua jumps back on stage. I've never had this in my life. The host of the night, Artie Fuqua jumps back on stage,

grabs the mic from me, he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, calm down, calm down. I'm like, Artie, what are you doing here? I got this, yeah. And he's like, no, you just calm down. And I go, no, this guy's an asshole. And then, so a little bit of back and forth. And eventually I think they escorted the guy out.

And I got the mic back, and I finished my set. Because I'm from the comedy store, you do your shit. You don't run from it. Right, you finish your set. I finished my set, and then I go back upstairs, and Keith Robinson and a couple other comedians are sitting around, and I go, guys, I was just down there, this is what happened, you know? And I go, and then Keith Robinson kind of laughs.

I go, what is it? He goes, it's funny, because he goes, you were trying to talk about peace, and you ended up getting in a fight. I go, that's really funny. And then I worked that into one of my, into my act about like, I was like, I wonder if my heroes of peace ever like lost it. Like, I wonder if anyone ever said something to Martin Luther King where he wanted to

Fight or Gandhi was like, that's it. You know, the flip-flops are coming off Well, Jesus lost it at the marketplace. Remember he flipped the table over. Oh, did he? I didn't know anyone talks about that story. Yeah, there's this famous parable about how they started selling merchandise They had a merch table set up at church Hilarious and he got pissed off and he he flipped over the table. Oh, yeah, but everybody What time he got mad wonder how he'd feel about the Trump Bible right now Alright final question, what's the hackiest bit you've ever done the hackiest bit I've ever done I'm trying you know anytime I do a bit where,

again, being Middle Eastern, anytime I do a bit where I kind of play into the stereotype of the terrorist thing, I always think like, is this hacky or do I have a, do I have a left turn on it? You know what I'm saying? So, I mean, again, I think that theme in general, and then I try to have the left turn on it,

which is to make fun of the idea of, you know, how stupid would it be if you guys were thinking this? Like, I currently have a bit I'm talking about. This is, this all happened, which was Mitzi Shor put me, Ahmed Ahmed, Aaron Kader together and called us, first she called us the Arabian Nights. Iranians aren't Arabs. Yeah, it was great. It's crazy., first she called us the Arabian Nights. Iranians aren't Arabs. Yeah, it was great. It's crazy. So it was called the Arabian Nights. But first of all, I give her credit because I go, she's the only one that was given us stage time. Yeah.

But she calls it the Arabian Nights because she used to have like black comedy night, Latino night, and then the Arabian Nights. And on the Arabian Nights was everybody who was brown that wasn't Latino or black was on our show. We had Indians, we had a white girl who belly danced, we had all kinds of shit, right? And then Iranians would come to the show. Iranians notoriously hate being called Arabs. They're very snooty about it. And they'd come out and they'd go, hey, we had a good time at this show, but you know what, we are not Arab.

And I'd be like, I didn't name it the Jewish lady named it. Get the hell out of my way. So eventually me, Ahmed, and Aaron, we spin off and create, we call it the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour. Of course. We lean into it. We lean into it. And so during the height of the war on terror, like 2006 or so, we had a show in Boston.

And we go to the airport at like six in the morning to get on our flight from LAX to Boston. They tell us they go, oh, the flight's full, we can't get you on. We go, but we have a show. They're like, okay, the one way you can make it is we're gonna put you on a flight from LAX to JFK. You get out of JFK, you get in a cab. You take the cab to LaGuardia.

You get on a plane at LaGuardia. You take that plane to Boston Logan. No. If everything goes smoothly and there's no delay anywhere, you'll just make it, you'll be like 15 minutes late to the show at Northeastern University. And that time, by the way, it was a good paying gig, so we had to do it. Let's go for it. They put me, Ahmed Ahmed, and Aaron Kader, middle of the time of the war on terror.

The only seats left on the LAX to JFK are the three last seats of the whole thing. So they got three- The terrorist seats. Yeah, the terrorist seats in the back of the whole thing. We're sitting there, we're charming the flight attendants the whole way. As we're landing, we go, listen, we gotta get on it. We gotta catch a cab to LaGuardia.

And they go, can you announce for everyone to stay seated? So we can, they go, we'll announce, but they go, usually people get up. So what you need to do is they go, before the plane stops, get up and just go for it. And we go, are you sure about this? They go, we'll announce, but they go, usually people get up, so what you need to do is they go, before the plane stops, get up and just go for it. And we go, are you sure about this? They go, yeah.

So you got three Middle Eastern dudes, middle of the war on terror, backpacks on, running down the aisle, just like, out of my way, I'm on a mission. And when I tell the story on stage, I go, it was a miracle, stage I go I go it was like It was a miracle because I go when we get to the front door opens. I go with such a miracle I had to turn back and go hello Akbar

God is great, you know, and then I go and then I just tag it with like the left turn Which I go by the way, I go if we really were trying to hijack the plane once it landed I go I think that's like not the objective we get a call from human resources going like no you know you hijack in the sky not on the you're no you're gonna we're demoting you you're late for work you're late for what you got to do it in this air so that's kind of the story that's good all right listen Maz Gibran is gonna come see you he's gonna be at the San Jose Improv this week, October 18th through the 20th.

Great theater, I love that old theater. I'm actually gonna film that special Small Winner Loser on Saturday night at the Improv. Oh, no way. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna go and do it. What a great place to shoot. Then you're coming to Amsterdam, Belgium, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Berlin, Zurich, Oslo, Munich, Milan,

Paris, London, then he, Oslo, Munich, Milan, Paris, London, then he'll be back in the States doing Minneapolis, Skogi, Vegas, and Glendale in December. Yeah. Come see him, MazJabrani.com, Maz-J-O-B-R-A-N-I. Boom. My friend, what a pleasure. Right back at you. So great to see you.

Oh, let's reach, yeah. All right, thanks, man. Oh, let's read you. All right, thanks man. Thanks man, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.