F**kface - Andrew Joins the Basket Weaving Alliance//Naturally Equipped to be a Mime [4]

Episode Date: June 24, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about their value in a post-apocalyptic world, anxiety over Yoshi, their first f**kfaces, and stupid stuff they did as kids. Sponsored by Manscaped. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code FACE at http://manscaped.com! Also sponsored by ExpressVPN. Visit http://expressvpn.com/FACE and get an extra 3 months FREE on a one-year package! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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My name is Jeff Ramsey. I am your host, along with Gavin Free and Andrew Panton, two of the f***iest faces I have ever met. How's it going, guys? It's true. Good, the f***iest faces I have ever met. How's it going, guys? It's true. Good, man. Pretty good. I have some updates. I have a basket weaving update.

Oh, you hit us up with the basket weaving update. I, uh, well, first, I mean, answer the question. We're talking who the LeBron James is, the basket weaving. I have been informed it is apparently Leona Waddell is our LeBron James. Where's she from? It's a great question, Gavin. You know, I should have done a little bit of research. I just looked at her baskets.

You really, you exposed me one second in. I should have considered doing like a little bit of prep. I really came in like I was knowledgeable and you asked one question and the entire trade fell apart. Well, let me ask you a question you're better suited to okay go ahead how are the her baskets they are really visually impressive and uh clearly a basket weaving expert i can tell you they are of the highest quality i kind of got the sense she's like the lebron james maybe not necessarily michael jordan it sounds like there are people obviously in the past that

were incredibly skilled but pretty good but they got into weaving other things do you think got bored of baskets that's yeah another another great question uh i don't know i have a question you looked up her her weaving skill how much how much do her baskets cost if she's like the lebron james of baskets is is it like the equivalent of like is she like uh i don't know like the damien hurst of baskets is it like the equivalent of like she like I don't know like the Damien Hurst of baskets Is it like a million dollars to get one of her wicker baskets or chairs? Yeah, once again being pretty exposed for my lack of information my lack of research You know I watched like six videos and looked at photos I mainly was watching the videos to make sure I got the pronunciation right

I mean every everyone knows that baskets get more valuable after the weaver dies. That's, yeah, very true. I will say, she said when she started, she was only selling them for 69 cents. So above 69 cents is what I can't say. I get the sense they're very expensive. It's got to be profit. Do you have any idea how much experience this lady has in basket weaving? How long she's been doing it? it once again did zero research beyond looking at the baskets uh but she is very talented i really should have you know i guess when you bring up something like that you should anticipate like basic questions being asked kind of an empty update to be honest no i'm not done with the update that was the first this phase one of the

update i just wanted to clarify that that's who that was. The second update is someone reached out to me who does this for a living. They make baskets or they teach people how to basket weave a certain type. And they're going to mail me a kit and I am going to join the basket weaving alliance. I know this is shocking, but I'm going to weave a basket. I have no idea how. I watched a video, but I'm going to get the the stuff i don't know how to get it to me because the office is closed that's awesome we could auction it off for cherry oh no you can't like i'm are you doing this to prove that basket weaving is not difficult and that you can be good

at it easily or are you doing it to like relent and accede that basket weaving is a difficult and artistic endeavor and you're going to give props and respect by doing it and showing how hard it is yeah I think it's a little bit of column A column B it'll probably be really difficult but if I was in the basket weaving

community and I fucking nail it out of the gate I'd be a little bit worried it's a possibility I could hit a home run here, not even know what I'm doing. I'm bad at knots, so this is not up my alley in any way. I have no natural artistic talent, but if I fucking home run this thing, that's a bad look for the basket weaving community. They got a lot to lose and I got a lot to gain. It's a really excellent salient point there.

If I were a basket weaver, i'd be on pins and needles for the next i how long i don't even know a month maybe until you unleash your basket upon the world it might be months and it you know it might not be a basket we'll see how it goes it might change into something else you know we should do how about you get good at this and you weave a bathtub and then we two use that bathtub to compete in your Shitty bathtub town race. I you know I don't I love the idea There's actually already a name for a like a wicker bathtub. Yeah a basket It doesn't make it a bathtub if you make it the shape. It's still it's just a big big basket

bathtub if you make it the shape it's still it's just a big basket is that true well what if we put wax on it to to seal it yeah if you seal it then it becomes a bathtub yeah and if it's the size if it holds all three of us and it's the size of a bathtub big tub sure let's do it all right i'm looking forward to it andrew I can't wait to see your bathtub It's gonna be bad. I'm not I've zero natural artistic ability I had to draw like a trumpet in art class and it everyone thought it was a shopping cart like I got bad hands I'm not good at knots a Trumpet that looked like a shopping cart. I was trying to like do the part with the bottom where you pull I also I took trumpet because I thought all you had to do was hit three buttons,

and it's a lot harder than three buttons. I thought it was going to be really easy. That didn't go well. Yeah, no, I'm no artist. I'm bad at knots. I had a boat safety class in school, and I didn't do well. Is that something that you learn on your Canadian island? Do you have to learn about nautical stuff i don't because you're on the island it was it's a weird thing where i i don't

know anyone else who had mandatory boat safety and i live on a huge island it's not like it's small yeah but yeah we had like 10 mandatory boat safety classes and i was really i'm like i'm gonna nail this how long are they they were an hour each i had like 10 hours of boat safety i learned a lot you're the captain of the bathtub then hands down i am the cap yeah clearly i'm guessing you guys didn't have boat safety in school no i'm gonna make that assumption so i i assume that at no point have you ever needed to get off your island via boat like there's plenty of bridges roads no all the time yeah that's how i leave is by boat do you not know like just to get to austin it's a fucking journey in itself it's like a lord of the rings like tail i've heard about i've heard before like when you went to rtx which is the the convention that our company puts on every year you told me it took you like two and

a half days to get here one year what is that process like day one is getting on a boat going like a ferry yeah like a ferry that's like two and a half hours then i get on a bus then i go from the bus to a sky train which is uh it's like train in the sky i don't know why i explained it okay got it i have a great mental picture now. And that's like a six-hour journey, maybe a little less, maybe like five. Probably more like five, but it's just like catching a flight at that point is late, so then I just sleep in the airport, and then I leave the next day. Why don't you just take the airport from your island? I don't know.

You know what? Because I never have, so I haven't. There is an airport here. I guess that would really reduce. Because I assume it's not an island where you think, oh, I'm on an island. I assume it's like, you know, how I feel when I'm in England. I don't think, man, I'm on an island. It's so big that you don't even notice.

I don't know. It's like you see water almost everywhere where I live at least. It's big. It's not like England. You're where you're on the island. I did see a comment on, I want to say episode one or two from somebody who said, I don't know why Andrew keeps calling this a little island. I live on it, too, and it's massive.

It's, I don't know, massive. I don't feel like I said little island. I feel like when you say island, it's assumed little. I don't think I ever said little island. Okay. Every time I meet someone from Australia, I'm going to ask them how they live. You should look into the airport where you live.

Just see. Just for the hell of it. I don't trust it. I've been there. It's small. I don't like it. It'll save you five hours for the sky train. Five to six hours in the day. I trust the airport. What's funny is i had like 10 boat safety classes in the same year we learned sex ed we only needed one of those we had a 45 minute sex ed

and 10 classes on boat safety so it takes 10 10 hours of training to drive a dinghy but to drive your dinghy an hour max what do we hit us with some boat safety knowledge like tell like distill your 10 hours down into like one or two things gavin and i must know before we get into the bathtub yes no okay you know honestly the only thing that stuck with me was the heat points of the body if you crash if you're in the water i think your primary heat points is between the legs under the arm and under the chin. So you're supposed to really tighten up

almost like a pencil. Try to maintain your heat. So you want to trap the heat from under your arms and your neck. That may have been the sex ed class. Now I think about it. That's all I remember from that time. Doesn't pencil position make it hard to swim away from the boat?

What? Are you just floating? The idea of the idea the boat is gone Jeff the boat is sunk? Stand in the in the ocean like a pencil You just you know honestly you cross your arms. It's not really pencil. It's my cross okay, so So floating on your back with your arms crossed me.. Yeah, yeah. It's better. Take a Dracula nap until somebody rescues you, essentially. Exactly. Okay, I'll remember that. I won't tread water, that's for

sure. I'll just assume that... No, you're gonna get tired if you do that. It's just wasting heat. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so we're gonna be in a giant basket, I guess sealed with some sort of resin and and we'll know what to do when we crash candle wax i'm gonna flex wax yeah okay yeah and then when as soon as we crash which we will uh everybody assumes a vampire pencil and then they'll come

fish us out eventually or we'll die all right that sounds good you have to make wax do you know how you do it yeah yeah you just buy wax at the store and then just heat it up in a fucking pot and then just dribble it on. That part won't be hard. Isn't it like congealed paraffin? Yeah, it's just paraffin. We just heat it up and melt it onto stuff. That's not going to be the hard part, buddy. The basket weaving a boat is going to be the hard part.

Yeah. I think, I don't know, I talked to Gavin about this before. I think a lot about if let's say a fallout situation happened, everything is gone. You're in a village. And someone was like, the leader was like, hey, you go make chairs. We don't have any chairs. You need to figure that out. If they pointed at me and said, what can you go make?

I don't know if I could make anything. Maybe a chair. That's why you need to get on this basket weaving shit immediately. I read a book in high school called Lucifer's Hammer. It was a sci-fi, one of those end of the world sci-fi books, probably written in the 70s or the 80s, so the science

is dog shit. But, like, the world ends, I think it was like a meteor or something, and the only people, they built these little towns towns and you were only allowed in the town if you had a skill they needed so it's like well i can fix boats but if it's like i'm an accountant they're like get the fuck out you're dead so you need to learn that basket shit tomorrow gavin and i are fucked we got no appreciable skills but you at least have

an out what would you what would you get on jeff what would would you learn? Well, you know, I could harken back to my days in high school as a fried chicken dishwasher. I could wash the dishes. You fixed tools at one point. I was a hydraulic, electronic, and pneumatic tool repairman. I'm sure I still have all those skills from when I was 17. Oh, I was in the army. I could be a soldier. Oh, that's pretty useful, actually.

Yeah. I like you went dishwasher first. I feel like you did those backwards as far as what would be valuable. I could be the creative director of, you know, whatever. I can make stuff slow and carry boxes of veg.

That's true. Those are my two things. If there's a post-apocalyptic olive bar, you can keep it clean right what you did a waitress yeah hey shout out to waitress shout out to waitress they haven't sponsored us yet but no if you're in england and you want a fancy olive kalamata whatever go to waitress could you imagine being the dishwasher guy when there isn't a plate person that'd be a real problem like they're gonna kick you out well because like guy when there isn't a plate person? That'd be a real problem.

Like, they're going to kick you out. Well, because, like, what if they don't have a guy that can make plates or whatever? Oh, so you're just waiting for plates to be reinvented? Yeah, like, they're going to kick you off, and you're like, listen, you're going to have a huge problem. Once the plate person shows up, you guys are all screwed. This is over. You're going to need me. It's like in the video game Overcooked when you're standing by the dishes just waiting for like, where's the dirty plates?

I can't do my job. Yeah, you really want a job that's like the beginning of the chain. You don't want to be waiting on other people. Definitely. Court jester. We could all do that, right? We're funny. Oh.

Except the problem with the jester is you have to taste food to make sure it's not poison. Hmm. Like a canary. Yeah. Yeah. Like a hilarious canary. Yeah. Yeah. Like a hilarious canary. So is that the end of your basket weaving update, Andrew? Yeah, I'm gonna weave a basket.

Okay. That's about it. Yeah. And also, uh... I'm excited. What was her name? Leona Waddell. Have you got any new leads on a face tattoo? Anything like that? That's sort of in the works. Okay. I don't know. There's a discussion happening, I guess. Because I think that's one of the things I like about F*** Face

is that there's always updates between episodes. Like, I feel like we are actually getting somewhere. There's progression in this podcast. You know what? That's a good point, Gavin. I hadn't thought about that, but you're right. Speaking of F*** Facing or F***ing and Facing, did anybody f*** themselves this week?

F***ing faces? Any f***ing facing? I had an anxiety attack about if Yoshi f***s. That happened. Well, he just lays eggs, though. Well, that's the thing. Yeah, I was thinking about, well, like, how does that happen? Does he just lay, do they just lay them?

Or, like, how does, is there a process lay do they just lay them or like how does is there a process do they ever explain this i think i know doesn't yoshi eat people like can he hold them in his mouth uh yeah he eats koopas and stuff yeah yeah i wonder if he extracts semen from them in that process and then that's how he fertilizes his own eggs like you think it's a cute funny moment in the game game, but what's really happening behind the beak, if you will, or the mouth, is a very anatomically disgusting extraction process by which he removes Koopa semen. Someone's been reading the Mario Encyclopedia. That sounds like a pretty official explanation to me. Why were you worried about this this week? Well, I was just thinking about it and then i thought well they lay eggs what else lay eggs and i think chickens and i thought

well i don't i've never seen a chicken flock i'm pretty like i don't know how that works it's not pretty a chicken lays unfertilized eggs most you know in farming they're not they're not getting railed to lay eggs i i don't you like i don't know. I was just thinking about eggs. So then I went on YouTube and I looked up process of making an egg, of the creation of an egg. And I got 10 seconds in and realized I was watching a human video of how babies are born. And that I did not learn enough in my 45-minute class. There were some holes that were missing. Well, let me tell you, I owned chickens for about two years there, and you do not want to see them.

Well, first off, they don't make love. They have very aggressive, angry sex, and it's not pretty, and you don't want to see it. You're better off not knowing. So were you trying to breed chickens? Well, I wasn't trying to breed them, but I had a rooster with my six hens, and so they would get it on. What was the point of the rooster? To protect

them, but eventually I had to get rid of the rooster because he was harming the hens, and then what happens is one of the other hens becomes the protector of the group, and that's what happened. So, it turned out, it was fine. I'm so stupid that when Gavin asked what was the rooster for, I when gavin asked what uh what was

the the rooster for my i answered he asked you in my head i answered alarm clock like that yeah i mean that's why i wouldn't want the rooster part it's just they're loud as hell i actually uh i had such a bad experience but i love those chickens so much and they were so much fun to have but i had just like i don't know if I live in the city and there's just like city possums and city raccoons are brutal and even in their chicken coop they would they would like rip holes in it and like steal the chickens and I remember my neighbor came over one day this very polite usually like 50 year old woman and just lit into me about how loud my chickens were at like four in the morning and i was like yeah they got murdered a raccoon killed them and she's like

and she's like just kept going and going like my husband's got to get up for work and he can't be listening to your damn chickens all and i'm like they're dead i don't know how and she's like she wouldn't stop and i'm like lady they were murdered they don't have them anymore. I'm dealing with the loss of like three chickens and you're yelling at me. Let me mourn my chickens. Anyway, that lady and I became enemies after that. That's really tough to recover from. I would see a way in which that gets mended. Talk about kicking somebody when they're down.

I'm like, well, it's not going to be a problem anymore because the chickens are dead. You know? And she's like, it better not be. And I'm like, oh my God gonna be a problem anymore because the chickens are dead you know and she's like it better not be and I'm like oh my god so I moved eventually I mean yeah I guess like I don't think I've ever been to a funeral where somebody was just talking shit about the person

hey what was the didn't you have a thing at your house I mean you moved recently but didn't you have a thing a couple months ago Andrew where you were convinced somebody was putting like badger cages in your yard or something oh yeah what does that mean there's when i wasn't wasn't badger cages there was i think like someone living in my backyard for a period of time and that's how it like came to light i was up late one night and i keep my window open and i could hear like footsteps outside my window and i was on a second story, but it was just our backyard.

And it didn't really sound like an animal, but I kind of ignored it, even though it freaked me out. And then it happened again another night, the next night, at around the same time. I heard it again, and I started really thinking, there's somebody back there. And then it happened a third night in a row, but it was earlier, so I said, fuck this, I'm gonna see what's out there. So I grabbed a shitty flashlight, and I couldn't see anything. And and I walked on my deck and I just started shining it in the backyard and all of a sudden I just heard something bolt that sounded like a human like it was too slow to be an animal and they moved through like all the bushes on the corner of the yard and that was terrifying how many legs did it sound like it had it sounded like two it sounded like a pretty big person

just trying to like move out because they saw the light. And so that was creepy. But then you kind of just forget about it over time. And then we were moving or the people below were moving. And we're tied. There's some issue where like they couldn't reach something behind the house. And there was all this garbage there from someone who had previously lived there. And in conversation, they were like, so why did you guys put those hamster cages down here and we said what do you

mean and they said well why are there we've been here over like the last six months there have been like four or five hamster cages added to this trash pile and it wasn't us and it wasn't them so whoever was down there was uh was uh putting ham cages. Do you think they were releasing hamsters in your yard and then just putting the hamster cage down? I have no idea, but it was weird. It was a weird week. Jeff, you were in, like, Europe. I was, like, messaging you at, like, 2 a.m., like, there's a hamster person in my backyard. You're like, somebody's living in my yard and I don't know what to do.

And I was like, you're fucking, you're insane is what, you need to go to the doctor is the problem. Nobody's living in your backyard. And then when you told me the no, and they're putting hamster cages or I thought badger, whatever hamster cages in my yard. I thought you really have lost the plot. I fuck. Do you have an enemy on the island? Maybe this trying to drive you insane. Have you considered that? You know, that was before my lasagna championship days. I really fumbled on lasagna. That was a real struggle, but I got over it. That is now the officiable way to pronounce lasagna. Officiable, yes. Add it to the officiable list. Yeah. Gotta really just struggle on that LA, but keep trying. Gotta keep trying till you get over that hump. Did you ever

find a hamster? No, I didn't find anything. They were gone after that. But I think I heard a similar noise like five or six months later, but it was only one night. Is this why you moved? No, it's not why I moved. But it was a great, you know, it's like I'm not going to miss the hamster person. It'd be mad. Like, why didn't I get my tip at Christmas?

Living in your backyard. i would love to know what was going on with those hamster cages if they were trying to release some sort of plague on you or if they were trying to capture maybe they used to live all right here we go maybe it was a maybe it was the you that used to live there not andrew but an andrew type person right someone who's uh weird enough that's horrifying to think about yeah and uh just just an oddball kid who uh maybe he he and his family moved away to the other side of town and his hamster escaped and so every night he would come back or maybe like once a week when he could get away uh he would come and release a hamster cage in the yard and fill it with stuff

hoping that his pet hamster would would be triggered by it and that he could recoup it. And every night you would scare him off before that moment. I mean, that's a narrative. That was complex. That went deeper than I assumed. I don't know. And the sad thing is, is that hamster was probably his best friend. Or maybe it was pregnant and the hamster went off to have the little baby hamsters in the woods

and just never came back. I don't know. It's really, honestly, it's probably heartbreaking this story and i'm getting kind of sad thinking about it i just hope this kid finds his best friend or that his best friend's litter andrew that story that jeff just came up with on the spot had more depth than the basket weaving update that's hurtful gavin i'm gonna learn how to write fuck you gavin and then i'll film it in sl-mo so you can really appreciate it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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time you, you faced? I have like a series of them, but not like, I don't have like an event. Like it sounds like you have, I don't know that mine's an event. I just, but I don't have an event like it sounds like you have. I don't know that mine's an event. And I don't know that I can consciously take credit for it, although I would like to. But I think my first... If I had to think, my very, very, very first f*** face would have been my birth. If I can take credit for being born. And here's why.

I was born in 1975. So it was a different time back then. Yeah. And I was supposed, my mom didn't get a sex test to determine what I was going to be. She was poor and living in a trailer and she was like 18.

It's a very typical Alabama story. And so she thought, and my grandmother and my family all thought I was going to be a girl. I was supposed to be born. Amanda Jean was going to be my name. And, uh, I came out with a penis. It wasn't much of one, but it was enough. And so I'd like to think that, and that's, and, and so I was never supposed to be, uh, I was never supposed to be a boy. I was supposed to be a girl. And so it's a layered f***-facing. So I think that was my first f***-face,

was I pulled one over on my mom by being born a boy. She then f***-faced me immediately after in two ways that I have never... One way I've recovered from the second one, I don't think I ever will. Because I was supposed to be a girl and my mom was really poor, her and my grandmother, they made a year's worth of dresses and girls clothing for me. And I then was forced to wear pretty much mostly girls clothing for the first year I was alive because that's what they had. And so my face got me face there because then I had to, I had to dress as a, as a woman for the first

year of my life. But the worst face I realized that my mom got over on me is, uh, because I, she picked out the name Amanda Jean and I was born with the little penis thing. She on the spot just picked a name, I assume, which is, or I don't know, maybe there was a Toys R Us commercial on TV. So she named me Jeffrey with a G, uh, not that we have, which is a, I've looked it, maybe there was a Toys R Us commercial on TV. So she named me Jeffrey with a G. Not that we have, which is, I've looked it up. It's Welsh. And it's, I don't know how, it has nothing to do with my family. I don't know where the fuck she got the name from.

And I don't think I've ever even asked her. But she named me Jeffrey Paul. Obviously, I replaced the Paul with laser very wisely as an adult. Obviously, I replaced the Paul with laser very wisely as an adult. But so I realized that now every day since my birth, since the day my mom faced me with the G. Jeffrey, every time I've had to have to tell my name to a new person, she faces me for 45 years. Every time I have to tell somebody my name is Jeff, it's a face because i have to spell it for them or they get it wrong and at the first day of school kindergarten through 12th grade was a probably why i didn't go to college honestly was a fucking nightmare of teachers not going through

the role and going uh godfrey uh joffrey goflux Gilflip and an entire class of people laughing at me and then me going, well that's it for the year I'm a pariah in this class and that was probably the worst f*** facing I've ever got and I gotta give credit to my mom I thought I had her with the penis

but she really f***ed me with the name Were you friends with Gore Flux at school? I don't know that I ever knew a Gore Flux, but the worst one I ever got was my 10th grade chemistry teacher, who I spent a year f***ing facing, by the way. And then she spent a year f***ing facing my grades. Rightly so. No offense to her i like i i deserved it um i spent more time outside of the classroom sitting outside not being allowed to do classwork or participating class that i spent in the class was this the same woman whose car keys you took at one point yeah yeah i hadn't forgot i'd stole them and then she was taking a cab to work

and then i had to get her keys work. I didn't realize that. And then I had to get her keys back to her without her knowing I took them. Yeah, that was the whole thing. This is the exact same lady. She called me Guilford Furk, because my last name used to be Fink. I've had a shit ton of names through no fault of my own. Yeah, she thought my name was Guilford. My name was Jeffrey Fink at the time, and she called me Guilford Furk.

And so for the entire 10th grade, I was gilford furke to everybody who knew me in every class it died in the summer going into 11th grade but i spent the 10th fucking grade being gilford furke and it's back now right god you must be like the irs's worst nightmare how do they keep track of you well same social security number so it's not too hard yeah oh and my extreme paranoia about not paying taxes and going to jail uh so i think they're well aware yeah no it's the most horrifying thing you can do in america is earn money it's funny you mentioned um the name thing i don't know why i have this distinct memory this is so embarrassing to say is before i knew you and i don't know why i have this distinct memory this is so embarrassing to say is before i

knew you and i don't know if it was i talking about content or something with my cousin i called you geoff i thought i thought your name was geoff for a period of my life oh yeah i get that one a lot really that's common okay i don't feel as dumb no no it's common it's an it's common it's a it's It's commonly insulting, for sure. You should feel bad about it. It's okay, Andrew, because for most of the first, I would say, six months I knew you, I referred to you as that fucking Andrew Panton, the ball carrier and griffball. That fucking kid. Fuck him. How does he do that?

Fuck Andrew Panton. Do you still have your griffball skills andrew i know no i never really had them to begin with you guys were just all terrible that's true um big fish small pond type but it was but wasn't that that was wrong it was like a slightly bigger fish in a really tiny like a puddle that was like a small fish in a puddle. Grifball, by the way, if you don't know what we're talking about, it's a dumb video game that Gavin and our friend Bernie made in Halo,

like a game inside of a game. So it's a game type. Yeah, it became very popular and became an official part of Halo, actually. I think it's an official game type for the last couple of games. And it's named after you. Well, it's named after a character I played

in a cartoon, yeah. But yeah, I guess so. I guess it's named after me. Though the point in a cartoon yeah but yeah i guess so i guess it's named after me though the point of it i'm not talking about a face the point of the game is to kill me so thanks for inventing a game where the point you win by killing me also i feel like because we were sort of there at the beginning we were all quite good at the start i would say except for you jeff i don't think you were ever good at griffball i think you were always terrible i was never good at the game where the point was to kill me something that something always held me back on the griffball

fields i don't know why i don't know what it was hey gav i have a question i'm thinking about my childhood i remember about a specific moment from your childhood and i wonder would you consider that period in your life where you didn't talk for three or four years was that a face uh i guess it was that was i mean yeah once again like yours wasn't my decision i just became you know when you're like four or five you start you sort of take control over the mindless blob that you've been the entire time and you're like all right i'm driving this thing i guess i'm making decisions for this lump of meat uh but for some reason at school i didn't talk and i just became sentient in that and i was like well i want to talk to people i can't just start talking now though because everyone will be like jesus christ he said something uh so i just stayed silent

have you heard this andrew no he described it to me what grade was it this started in oh right at the beginning from the moment i set foot into a school i was like i don't like what's happening this is but before i took over apparently it's like i don't want to say anything the way he described it to me the first time he told me andrew is he went to school the first day and he didn't say anything because he didn't, you know, he didn't know who to talk to or who's shy. And then so when he went to school the second day, he thought, well, I didn't say anything yesterday, so I better keep my mouth shut today. And then he just did that for like three years. Like he was the kid in class that doesn't talk like the mute silent kid that everybody thinks is weird, I assume.

Yeah, but it was fine. Like, people would still talk to me and they could tell that I would understand. Like, I would nod and stuff. And then I would get home and be like, oh, God. And just have this, like, pent-up energy. And then one day, I think it was year two, I decided I was bored of this existence.

And I thought, I'm going to talk. Because the teachers had already got into the swing of ignoring me for the morning register. They would read out everyone's names. It would be like Gavin, Goreflax, or whatever. And they would say Gavin and just look for me. And people would point at me. And I would just sometimes put a hand up. And they'd be like, yeah, he's here.

And then one day, the beginning of year two I was like uh yep here and every single person in the room looked at me and I was like this is my worst nightmare and then and then the teacher just said the next next name on the list and that was it that was it from then on it was fine I was like what the hell was all the fuss about what was was the next moment you spoke? Do you remember? Like, at recess, some kid was like, oh, Gabay, you want to play a game of Nobby Tobbs? Or whatever, and you were like, oh, I guess I do. Yeah. It was just people were just coming over. Be like, so, you talk now? And I was like, I guess so.

Yeah, I just went for it. You think you'd be naturally equipped to be a mime at this point? Like, if you got into that, would you just be immediately good? Like, how did you communicate at all? Like, you must have emoted. There's no, like, you just didn't do anything? I did quite enjoy the silent times, because I got out of doing stuff that I didn't want to do anyway.

Like, during, like, reading, they would just, like, pass a book around, and one person would read to the rest of the class, and they just passed it over me, because they knew I wouldn't do it. Suddenly, I'm there having to read and everyone's you know it was it was a shyness thing you never got called on to answer questions or anything because there was no point yeah until i answered my name that one day i should i if i look back on it i probably should have kept it up a little bit longer you know it's never too late go go Go into what Andrew said about you, like having those

innate mime skills. That makes me think when my kid went to preschool, she went to a French immersion preschool for like three or four years and they only spoke French. And so she learned and was fluent in French and hated it and stopped speaking it. And now doesn't remember a word of French, but her teacher told me it's okay because when she's an adult, she, her, her, her, like, her mouth muscles learned how to, how to do those sounds, and to pronounce, and pronounce things that way, and she'll always have that, and if she ever decides to pick up French again, she'll pick it up immediately, because her, her, her, I don't know, her mouth knows how to form words that way from an early age, like since memory, I bet you have innate mind memory

where your body would just snap right back into it. I'd be doing all the gestures. I feel like that's such a cop-out answer. I'm trapped in a box. Like, how are you going to prove the French teacher wrong? Like, come back in 20 years? Like like that's such a great argument to make you can't prove them wrong until like 20 years passes i could uh i could prove a wrong i'm still on the mailing list i still donate money to them every year is the sole reason why you're waiting you promise me why french French, though? French is a useless language in Texas.

You want Spanish, surely? Yeah, no. If I can be totally honest with you, I mean, high-mindedly, the idea was my ex-wife spoke fluent French, and they could speak it together, and it would be like a family thing. And then she could help her learn and that kind of thing. But the real honest-to-God reason was that it was the only preschool we could get her in like it's just like in Texas in Austin you have to sign up for preschool probably six months before you conceive to get into a program and so we didn't do that and so when Millie was about a year old we realized we were gonna need

at about two we were going to need, at about two, we were going to need preschool. So we started looking and they were like, you want to take, you want to put your kid in preschool in a year? Yeah, fat chance, buddy. You should have started this process four years ago. And she was minus three, four years ago. And they're like, that's not my problem.

So we were able to get her into the French immersion school. So then we were like, yeah, we planned that the whole time. Absolutely. All right, Andrew, I think for next week, you should try and to get her into the French immersion school. So then we were like, yeah, we, we planned that the whole time. Absolutely. All right, Andrew, I think for next week, you should try and get your kid into preschool, even though he's yet to be born. Oh man, I need more than three.

I need like negative 20. So I, so I fucked, I, my face was, my first face was at birth. Uh, Gavin, I don't know if that was your first face, but it was a pretty, it was. Oh, so your first face was when you decided not to talk don't know if that was your first face but i think it was oh so your first face was when you decided not to talk ever did what about you andrew do you have any at least early faces i have a bunch um you guys know like before like a movie starts that's like dangerous or something they say like don't perform these stunts at home or like this is a movie don't try to yeah try to do those yeah i realized those were really made for me I learned a lot from movies growing up like I have a distinct memory of like I'd I'd hear words and movies

I could kind of watch whatever I wanted when I was a kid when I was like four or five and I'd hear like Curse words and stuff and I wouldn't know what they meant But I could kind of tell what they meant based on how the person in the scene reacted to them So I get a gauge of like how bad the word was that way. Okay. And there was one movie where someone flipped somebody off. And it was kind of like they were kind of annoyed, but also they thought it was funny.

So I had no idea how to read it. I spent the entire day, I was probably like four, thinking, is this bad? Is this like an insult? Is this like a secret wave? Like, what is this? I don't know what this move is. So my way to figure this out was as soon as I got home

I I walked to the side I walked in front of my house on the sidewalk and I decided that the next car that drove by I'm gonna flip them off and depending on how they react I'll know if I should continue to do this or if I shouldn't do this so I waited like If I should continue to do this or if I shouldn't do this So I waited like five or ten minutes, and then this really and I remember this so vividly It was this piece of shit truck just completely beat up holes in the side It was a mess and this big guy driving it He looked like kind of a southern like stereotype character

And he looked at me and I looked at him and I had this huge grin on my face because I'm like I don't know what this means so I want to kind of look nice but it probably made it worse so I smiling as wide as I could and I flipped him off and to this date I think this is the angriest I've ever seen anybody in my life he was irate he was so mad and he immediately flipped me back off again and I was terrified. I was like, I don't know what I did to this person. And you were four? Yeah, I was like four or five. So he's there driving around, minding his own business. You're ruining his day. He's

thinking, whose kid is this? Just stood outside the road smugly flipping me off. I was very nervous and I thought, why did I do this in front of my own house? He knows where I live. So you, as a four-year-old, you're not thinking like, oh, sweet, Super Nintendo, or like, I'm going to play with blocks and shit.

You're doing like studies on human communication based on movies, and you're testing that out in the real world. Yeah, I just, I didn't know what it meant. And I don't know, I like making people laugh. So like in Godzilla, I used to watch that a lot as a kid. A gets shot down and they yell mayday i had no idea what that meant but i just yelled mayday kids would laugh at it so i'd yell mayday all the time when i was in like first grade playing tag well maybe if you went to french school andrew you would know what that meant that's a great point probably known two languages it's amazing how dumb the shit we used to do as kids is and i your story andrew has

reminded me of quite a few things i could talk about but i don't know what the statute of limitations is on some stuff you know what i mean we're what we're what like 40 years out from your childhood at this point uh maybe we're like maybe stuff i did when i was like 10 or 11 i was just thinking about the maddest i've ever seen somebody and i mean the maddest i've ever seen somebody's probably all of my wives but uh but i remember one time we used to when i was i was maybe nine when i lived in florida we used to just be little hooligans that we would dress up in camouflage like rambo and run around the neighborhood at night and i remember remember we used to, uh, there was this pond in my neighborhood and there was this, like, we call it pampas grass. I don't know if you guys know what that is, but it's popular in

Florida. It's like this, it's about like a bush that's like maybe six feet tall. And if you touch it, it's got these long, like razor sharp, uh, blades of grass that will cut you if you touch them. And in the middle are these like what look like bamboo shoots with like fluffy shit on the top of them. And you can rip those out and use them as like really weak swords and like fuck around with them. And I remember one night my friends and I were pulling a bunch of them out of the just being hoodlums and we're pulling a bunch of them out of the grass and we started fucking

throwing them at cars. And I remember I was like, you guys suck here. And I actually, unfortunately, I have two stories about throwing shit at cars and uh and i remember i was like you guys suck here and i actually unfortunately i have two stories about throwing shit at cars and they're very similar i realize but i was like you guys you got to throw it like a javelin and i picked up some pampas grass and i fucking threw it at a car and uh a little i remember it was a volkswagen bug and uh and i i and then i heard tires screech, and I heard a guy go, Motherfucker! And I looked up, because we hid down under a ditch, and I looked up,

and the guy's window was open. And it had gone into his driveway, into the window, and it didn't hit him. I don't think, but it landed on his dashboard right in front of him he wasn't going fast he was going like maybe 10 miles an hour it was coming up to a stop sign but the guy was just sitting there and i remember looking up at him and he looked at me and there's

this like fluffy shit in his car and he goes i'm gonna fucking kill you and i heard his car door open and i took off. And I probably ran. I might still be running, if I'm being honest with you. I probably ran for two straight hours. And I remember going like, I couldn't go home. I was convinced he would find out where I lived. And so I was trying to get my friends to let me spend the night at their houses. And all their parents were like, fuck you.

And eventually, I just went home and snuck in the back. But I think that guy probably chased us. There were three of us for at least an hour on foot like he was so angry allegedly maybe that didn't happen maybe i made that up especially if the guy's still alive and listening to the story jesus yeah i can i can imagine that feeling of just like hot racing just endlessly sprinting and knowing an old guy's chasing after you and old to me he was probably 30 he's probably in way better shape than i was oh god and that that and telling that story it sounds so bad it makes me not want to tell the next story so maybe i won't because it's very similar but worse maybe wait another decade yeah maybe wait another decade just in case let it really cool off.

Yeah. God damn. The dumb shit we do as kids, man. I got into skateboarding because I saw a monkey do it. That's the best segway I've ever heard in my entire life. I got into skateboarding because a monkey did it? What does that mean? Have you not heard of the MVP film franchise?

These were huge in my life. I mean, it would make sense, I guess, why I'm younger. But there were these series of movies called MVP, Most Valuable Primate, made by the people that made Air Bud, and I fucking loved them. I was a big fan of the first one, which was about hockey.

And then they made a second one, which is called The Most Vertical Primate. And that one was all about skateboarding. It had Bob Burnquist in it, so you know it's official. Then they made a third one called MXP, Most Extreme Primate, about snowboarding. I watched that one the least. I don't really have opinions about that one. But I love the first two.

Genuinely. As a kid, I thought they were great. As an adult, I love them because their storylines are so overly complicated. The first movie is all about he's in a research lab and they're doing experiments. It's like Planet of the Apes-ish and he escapes it and then joins the hockey league

and is the best hockey player ever. It's almost like a side story. The second movie is about he's so fucking good at hockey they frame him to get out of the league like they set up a brawl and they cover a guy's glove with ketchup and then say that the monkey bit him so he gets thrown out of the league and he can't play anymore because he scored too many goals they can't handle it and they not only throw him out of the league, they make him homeless. It's not like he goes back to where he lives. They, like, give him his jacket and

some jeans, and he's just homeless, and he's just walking around. And for half that movie, he's just homeless. Why go to all those efforts to get the monkey out of the league? Why not just shoot him while he's walking to his car or something? It's a monkey. It's a kid's movie. Oh my a what? It's the kids movie. Oh my god!

You're gonna put him in a room and just shoot him in the back of the head? I mean, I think framing him with a ketchup bite is a little excessive, but shoot him? You wanna get him out of the lake and just fucking kill him? What, you're gonna go down for murder as a monkey? Dude, you don't like respect human called out the legitimacy of the plot of a monkey skateboarding movie he's like that makes no sense why wouldn't they just shoot him it's so much the jail time for offing a monkey has to be shorter than offing a human you know what though andrew let me just let me just i'll i'll explain gavin

in one sentence right here when he plays halo the first thing he does is kill every AI fucking UNSC soldier so that he can take their ammo and their weapons. He has no respect for life. This is true. I just shoot him out of the Warthog so I can get in. And I know that there's a button to get him out. It's Halo. It's not real. I wasn't really even concerned about his life. I was more upset by the fact that he was like calling out that they should murder a monkey in a kids movie like he's trying To solve plot problems of mvp2. It's not murder. It's Creature it's cruelty to animals. It's not murder. Is it murder you can't murder an animal of course you can murder an animal Well, yeah, no, I think he has a point, actually.

Alright, I'm googling it. You tell your fucking- you tell- tell me about how you became a skateboarder while I googled it. Let me say this, I love animals. I am not saying let's kill animals. I'm just saying, to frame a monkey seems pretty damn convoluted. God damn it. You're saying this very confidently, though. It's a little alarming. Murder is the unlawful killing of another human without jurisdiction or valid excuse, especially the unlawful... Jurisdiction.

Homicide. Manslaughter. I'm looking for animals. Hold on. God damn it. All right. Well, maybe it's not murder. It's...

Yeah. But it's definitely... It's definitely sketchy. It's definitely wrong. Yeah. It's super wrong. It's still killing sure anyway

this monkey was homeless and he didn't know how to skateboard and he learned how to skateboard he was immediately doing kickflips how did he get a skateboard

if he was homeless he met another kid that was homeless and he liked to skateboard and he took the kid's board and then he immediately started doing kickflips and then the guy

that was in home improvement that wasn't Tim Allen helped them and gave them skateboards. The guy that sells garden hoses on TV? Al? Yeah, I'm assuming him. The other, like, lead. Al? Anyway, I was convinced that if a monkey could

skateboard immediately, then there's no way I wouldn't be immediately good at it. And the only knowledge I had was Tony Hawk and MVP 2. And i really pushed my parents to buy me a skateboard and my dad knew my motivation and i remember him yelling at me just because that goddamn monkey can skateboard doesn't mean you can and i i responded like yeah of course obviously but deep down i was like there's no way this monkey can skateboard and i can't so i got a skateboard and all i knew was like tony hawk and mvp2 and you know in tony hawk

like you stand and then you like kick the board down and go like that's how you you move in tony hawk yeah so that's how i wanted to go i got up on a ramp and there were like maybe 10 other skateboarders there and it became like an event like they were all behind me they knew like i'd never skated before wait you'd never skated before and you dropped in on a like a half pipe or a no no no it was like a small ramp. It was like an incline. Maybe ramp might be generous, but it was an incline that you'd go down to generate speed so you could go through the rest of the course that was built.

They called them course tracks. I don't know skateboard terminology. Park, yeah. Park. I shot twice and I missed both times. Anyway, I had the board tilted like in Tony Hawk and I was explaining what I was going to do. And the guy just kept saying, you don't, that's way harder than if you just put the board down and then push. I'm like, no, this is how they do it in Tony Hawk.

So this must be the way they do it. And I've seen a monkey do this. It can't be that hard. I made it like halfway down. I fell. My foot stayed on the board and i did like the splits and immediately started crying i was bawling my eyes out and then the park was like oh and then they started laughing and then i walked home and i never touched a skateboard again that was the end of my career

i realized i couldn't just because the monkey could do it does not mean i can't believe you gave up like you could have been there's an alternate timeline where you are one of the most famous skaters alive. It's true. And you just gave up because you didn't beat the monkey. Could you imagine how sad it would be, though, if I was like Tony Hawk and I credited it all to a monkey movie? That'd be awesome. Your story actually would be a lot better, Andrew. See, the way it would have worked is you'd have become a professional skateboarder, a la Bob Burnquist.

And when people would ask you about your inspiration, you would talk about this movie MVP. Then eventually you would become so famous that you would get to reboot the franchise a la Space Jam. And then you could be the Bob Burnquist of MVP the reboot. And you would have been a fucking movie star who got to hang out with a monkey

and be an amazing skateboarder to boot. And you blew it. You were right there. To be fair, if it was a reboot these days, it would be a CG monkey. That's true. That's a great point. Thank you, Gavin. You made me feel better about this.

That's fair. That's an excellent point. Damn. I hope Jack is still alive. That's the name of the monkey, by the way. Jack. What was that monkey movie with Jason Alexander? Dunstan Checks In? That's a good movie. That's a name of the monkey, by the way. What was that monkey movie with Jason Alexander? Dunstan Checks In?

Oh, that's a good movie. That's a great fucking movie. That's a good monkey movie. That is one of the best monkey movies. All the doorknobs are in the middle of the door. Love it. All right, fuck it. I want to go watch Dunstan Checks In.

We should watch it. We should watch it together. Yeah. All right, let's stop doing this. Let's go do that. You want to go watch Dunstan checks in. We should watch it. We should watch it together. Yeah. All right. Let's stop doing this. Let's go do that. You want to end the podcast? Yeah.

This is the part where Eric yells at me to end the podcast. Okay. Without Eric here, I think he's probably in a meeting getting yelled at for something else. I'm going to try to... All right. I'm going to get it. This concludes another episode of the F*** Face Podcast.

I have been your host, Jeff Ramsey. And with me, Andrew P pantin and gavin free nobody likes them but that's okay uh they continue to live in my shadow that's fine thanks for listening if you like it please rate and review it on apple podcasts or spotify podcasts or whatever the fuck that is and uh if you don't like it still review it uh stick it to the man don't let them tell you that i i lost him. Yeah, so did I. This is the best intro for Exit we've ever done.

I'll be honest. I tried to distract him. I tried to distract him in the middle of him doing that. Oh, he's back. By calling his phone, and the moment I called him, his audio stopped. What just happened there? Did you not hear me at all? No.

Yeah, you called me. I'm on my fucking phone. So you called me. I just hit mute and I just kept going. It was brilliant. Oh, it was brilliant. Rate, review us on the fucking thing. Tell everybody.

If I stop. Assholes.