F**kface - Assholes and Ice Skates // Fart Drama [186]

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about the experience of finally getting their buttholes waxed, Geoff deciding to also get his balls waxed, the risk of getting poo in the follicle holes, Geoff and Gavin's trip to New York, Brooklyn coffee shop smut, seeing the Rockettes, Radio City Music Hall, Geoff’s audio files of himself peeing, farting in the airport lounge, accidentally pressing the elevator alarm, what was supposed to be the best diet coke, the woman trying to interview the soda shop owner, ice skating, ankle strength, skyline projections, the bird chirp fart file, the stolen Andrew wrapping paper, cosmic crisp buying into F**kface, the hidden Monopoly money, the wheel of years pick, and more. Subscribe to the LetsPlay channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkxctb0jr8vwa4Do6c6su0Q. Sponsored by HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/facefree code facefree), Shopify (http://shopify.com/face), and Factor (http://factormeals.com/face50 code face50). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I would say that if you're gonna summon him, it would be... Right? Queenstead. Queen- Queenstead? Butthole, butthole, butthole. Oh, I got it. Queenstead.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the F*** Face Podcast. My name is Jeff Ramsey. With me, as always, Andrew Panton and Gavin Free. This is, correct me if I'm wrong, episode 186. You're right. No correction needed. I don't know. I shouldn't have said that.

I think you're right. Eric, is it right? You shouldn't have said that. It is 186. Hell Eric, is it right? Yeah, you shouldn't have said that. It is 186, but... Hell yeah. Good job, Jeff. You nailed it. Thanks, thanks.

Okay, so do we just want to fucking get into it? So you guys paid your wax debt this morning. Oh! An experience that Gavin said he thought would be refreshing, I believe. A relaxing and enjoyable thing. I think I said it would feel nice. Yeah. I waxed my pubes a few episodes ago and it broke me.

I went into literal shock. We filmed a Let's Play after that that I am not myself in. And then I had to lay down for several hours I was a broken man how are you two doing I bet you're doing great uh well I was saying Gav I don't know about you but before you came in I was telling them I am oddly exhausted like I could I could go back to bed I think I think my heart says it all yeah I Andrew, when it finished, when Jeff was done, he like had the shakes. Oh, no. It was crazy.

Oh, my God. It was crazy. Yeah, I can relate. Like, I physically, I wasn't there. I didn't do what you guys did. I did a different side. But all of this tracks, I could have predicted all of this. I've got like new nightmare material like burned into

my eyes it's like a pov shot there's a head coming from every angle looking down at me everyone's laughing and then occasionally people will wince and like cover their mouths with shock i don't think I've ever seen Oh my god Eric just posted a photo Gavin is in the poster Wall that was made by Gracie Looks great Jeff is dying of laughter

There was a moment where I looked up And Gracie looked like she was watching A 19 car pilot You look like you're getting like locked into a box like it's it's honestly kind of reminds me of you know that scene in Watchmen when he turns into dr. Manhattan and he's locked in the thing and he can't get out of it and his friends are just looking at him like yeah there's nothing we can do. That's the look you have in your little face. Just acceptance.

Yes. But I'll come back stronger in the canteen. I will say, we should probably set the story and tell the whole deal. But I will say, I've never seen, only once have I seen Gavin so close to backing out of something

and that was when he backed out of getting the tattoo at my wedding which is like that's been a month ago he went from this is a good idea to just like visibly like audibly chastising himself in a corner going I hate myself why do I listen to myself why do I talk why do I open up my mouth?

I'm not going to speak for the next two months on the podcast. So stupid. And he wasn't saying that to us. 100% true. He was going through something in the corner there for a few minutes. Well, I feel like I'd postponed all of the emotion that I felt to it. Like I just, you know, you say something on a podcast, assume it'll be done at some point.

And I didn't really think about doing it until I was stood in the room. And suddenly I was, I had all the five stages of mourning, apparently. Oh my God. That's exactly what I was going to ask both of you is for me, the dread started the night before. I was curious when the dread began for you. In the room.

In the room. Okay. In the room. Yeah. I have the smoothest cornhole. So here's the thing. When I had contacted other estheticians, I'm not sure of the term,

but other places to wax, I was met with no's, and then our friend Vanessa from Clutch My my pearls podcast said i have the exact person that you guys need and she hooked me up with someone named elise who was so helpful and so nice and so professional through this whole thing but also just the right person for the job the way she came in and just started ramming wax in these guys yes i i guess at one point the first time all of my anus hair was pulled out i like lurched my legs and she was like don't

don't do that we so we found somebody who would do it but she's like a roving waxer, right? So Emily was kind enough to let us use the salon vein, you know, her salon. They have a back room that's like between rentals right now. And so it was empty. They let us do it there. There was a table there, like a waxing, I don't know, like a tattoo table, honestly. And so we went into that room. We all piled in. It was me, Eric, Gavin, Nick, Gracie, and Elise.

And then all the girls from the salon standing just outside listening. We get into this room and Gavin immediately starts trying to back out. And then the first thing he says is, Jeff's going first. And Eric goes, oh, he is? Okay, cool. And somehow that became is, Jeff's going first. And Eric goes, oh, he is? Okay, cool. And somehow that became law that I was going first. I wasn't super on board with that.

Thanks for that, man. Yeah, no problem. But so suddenly, this went from theory to take your pants off so fast, it felt like, once we were in the room. And I figured there'd be some setup or whatever. Eric laid a towel down on the table, and Elise was like all right everybody leave take your pants off get in the position and suddenly we were just going hang on you she's like all right you can we're all gonna step out you can take everything off and jeff went well i mean like what do you you like pants and like underwear too

it's like what are you talking yeah nothing man hog wild let's go was that the nerves Jeff was that the nervousness of the scenario well I didn't know if she'd be like no you leave your underwear on and then when I have you in the position I'll pull it up you know what I don't know I don't know how that shit works I've never done this before. Yeah, Jeff's had situations recently where he takes all his kit off and it's too much. That's true. Yeah, it's a good point, too. Yeah, I was too comfortable in Mexico and I almost shut a spa down. So, you know, I just want to make sure.

No, I appreciate it. You're asking questions about kit now. Nick said his favorite quote of all time happened today. What was that? That was... Lava in the cornhole? Yeah, there's lava on my cornhole. Oh my god.

That's what we're going to call the video. So I get into position. By the way, it's real weird to have a shirt, like to be... It's real weird to be Winnie the Pooh in a room with five other people. Especially people that you know intimately well.

And that you work with and you're all attached to the same HR system. Yeah, like to lay down with just like a towel over my dick and open asshole and look back and see Nick and Gracie smiling at me. It's surreal.

Surreal to say the least. She jeff on the table and was like oh you know there's a there's not much hair here she goes much of a rip you're not very hairy and i went oh okay well no big deal then she was like did you uh did you shave before you got here or anything and i didn't i was like no well i did not and, okay, well, this won't be too bad then. It was. It was too bad. She then just starts rubbing shit on my asshole. Like, I'm pretty sure. Like, I said it in the moment.

I was in the army for five years. I had to go through routine prostate exams. Nothing is intimate as what I just went through. Oh, my God. With the waxing. She was like, oh, I'm just putting oil on it right now and she was just like she was at least knuckle deep inside of me on the outside and uh and then i'm just sitting there looking at all my friends and co-workers while they're looking at me

while i have a head through a giant black board and uh and there's seven cameras trained on me and then she goes okay this is going to be a little warm. And then she just starts, like, pouring boiling liquid into my butt. I don't know how else to describe it. It was so, it was slathering, Nick says in the text. Oh, my God. It was so hot. It wasn't, like, I didn't feel like it was causing damage, but it was, you know,

I wasn't, like, getting burn, but it was you know I wasn't like getting burnt like first degree burns or third degree burns or anything but it was like three degrees under that it was crazy watching her go in with a stick with just a gigantic globule of wax and just it disappears under the cloth and comes back without it it was just weird to watch it all go up you it sounds like they melted like a giant candle in your asshole essentially yeah your ass went to the wax factory kind of yeah yeah exactly it's like a it's like the yankee candle workshop and uh and so then she just she was like okay we're gonna get going and then she ripped my soul out of my body and and i was like i saw stars i was sweating profusely it was terrifying it was uncomfortable

uh and then she was like all right five or six more the photo of just face what was funny is that the face head hole was a lot bigger than the head. So watching Jeff's head like rattle around and bash into the sides of the hole. Like a little pinball. Yeah, that was fun. Yeah, it sounds like it was fun. And then she goes, she goes, she's like all right your asshole's done after what it was probably like two minutes but i felt like a it felt like a year easy and uh she

was like uh sorry there's a there's just a little bit of blood and i was like what she was like it's normal it happens on occasion i didn't see the blood but apparently there was a little bit of blood she took care of that and then she probably from ripping all the hair out of my asshole I would assume and then she was like do you want to do the testicles too and I don't know what came over me but I was in the position

and I just said yeah I yeah I think maybe because it was over so fast I don't know no Jeff I said yeah let's do it and that was a huge mistake if i could go back in time two hours and not do that i would like to do that uh she then it it took three times as long on my balls as my butthole way more hair on my balls and way more painful way more painful the balls uh so yeah she did my full scrotum and my asshole and yeah she was like nixon she was like five or six

more times to go after the first one i couldn't believe it it was like i don't even know how to i don't know why in my head it was just going to be one rip. I didn't expect the multiples. Wait, you had five or six rips on your balls? Yeah. And then like mini cleanup rips, you know, where they're like just looking here and here and here and here and here. And then... I'm just imagining your balls looking like Larry David's head

like if you tapped it on the screen. I'm just imagining your balls looking like Larry David's head. Like if you tap. Jeff, when he was getting his butthole done was very like I felt focused and he was like, all right, we're doing this thing like he was in it. When he got his balls done, it was, you know, like that World War I soldier that has like the thousand yard stare from being shell shocked? That was Jeff. His eyes were staring daggers into something, but were also completely unfocused. It was like truly shocking to watch Jeff go through this. I felt so bad for the man who was his own undoing.

It was really something. It was crazy. Then I went on and she took one look at my asshole and she just looked at me and said, oh, this is going to be a rip. Oh, no. And I said, does he have a lot more hair than i do and she said uh like intensely so oh my god the first she started waxing me up sort of towards one side of the of the hole just lathering it on there and then she went to do a, she gripped it. She went for a grip and rip

and she gave it a right yank. And I just held it. It flew out of her hands. No. She like just got a little tug on the first half of it. Didn't all come off. And then she really had to

give it a good hard go the second time. And then I didn't see it. I didn't see the aftermath, but I watched everyone else look at the wax strip, and there was shock all around me. His first wax strip,

his very first wax strip, had more hair on it than all of my ball and wax strips put together. Oh my god! It looked like a pelt. It looked like you cut, it looked like somebody cut a bit of bear off. Your ass hair was hanging on like Spider-Man 2, you know, and he's like in front of the subway train.

That's what I'm imagining. Like it did not want to let go. It was gripping on. My mask was all ripped. Gavin would not keep his feet up. Gavin would not. You have to, Andrew, the pose that you're in in this thing, we got all this behind the scenes video, I'm sure it'll come out eventually

and everything, but you won't be able to see the position fully like the position you have to be in. You are on your back with, you have to raise your knees and your feet as high and up as they will go

and Gavin just kept clenching his whole body so his feet go back down so his ass is grabbing all the wax and strips it was it was so fucked it was so fucked i think i think on one of the times i clenched so hard it just ripped the wax strip out of her ass. My body just tried to keep it. Oh my god. Wow. So then they, after Jeff got his balls done and everything and he was in butterfly pose for that where he couldn't

quite figure it out. But eventually got there. I didn't know what butterfly pose was. I just kept trying to figure out how to make a butterfly with my legs. Eventually I got there she was like you put so put your heels together and he just kept repeating the front heels heels together yeah i was i was going through some shit you know i wasn't thinking but then with all the waxing and everything we filmed the face through the face hole and all that stuff. After care was explained to you guys and she said in two weeks, your hair will start growing back.

And it'll be itchy. But we're only like two hours removed from your removal. How does it feel like right now? Like, how does it all feel right now? Totally fine. It feels, it feels so, it feels almost like hydrophobic. Like, I feel like if I, if I didn't know I'd been waxed and I went for a regular wipe, my hand would go to the moon.

What do you mean? Just slick oh okay it would just go just i i already took a shit and then uh i gotta say it was like it was some of the ladies in the salon were like you're gonna love taking dumps now it was so smooth it was such an easy shit. It really was. Are you not worried about getting poo in your follicle holes, though? I have to shit, dude. What do you want me to do? I'm not going to hold it for 24 hours because she doesn't want me to use warm water.

Also, I'm not smearing it around on my ass. It's going in the toilet. It's just more about Gavin, I suppose. Well, you know know wipe can be can be what hang on wait wait a wipe can be what well you know it's not always a tidy time it can be messy experience yeah well that might have more to do with the with the mountain of hair you have back there yes i was

about to say i'm so excited for gavin's experience because he by the sounds of it had a gopher removed from his anus and i imagine it's gonna be a dramatically different experience i mean some of that wax went went pretty deep like i got i got a lower colon wax i'm pretty sure yeah that woman has been inside of both of us it was it was weird as soon as the wax went on and i could i could feel her sort of delving around sort of pressing it all on it was it felt like being one year old like if it's like my life flashed before it would just rewound all the way back to the last time that I'd been on a table with my legs in the air. It unlocked some memories, I think.

Some feel memories. That was my concern when this process started was I don't believe that anal specific waxing is necessarily a thing. I think they probably do sides of cheek, but on the butthole, I don't think that that's a common... I could be wrong. No, no, she, like, covered the entire opening. Well, that's what I'm saying.

I know she did. I'm saying my concern was I didn't think or know if that would be common practice. I'd assume it wouldn't be specific anal coverage. And I was worried about lack of coverage, them being delicate. Certainly back to Winnie the Pooh. It sounds like in my head,

she has like a Winnie the Pooh hand of honey, but it's wax is like the amount. Yeah. It's like hot Pooh hand. And just shove, it's just shoving it in there, covering every crevice. The most interesting feeling was when there was just little gobs of wax all

around the area and she would just like tap it on and off to get it all off. It just felt like someone pecking my ass. But I think all in all, it actually didn't feel bad. Well, I can't speak for Jeff because he got the scrote done. What? I think it was actually, it was fine. The asshole part? Like you were fine with the, asshole part like that why you were fine with the it wasn't painful

to you it was it was it was painful when it when she lost grip and it sort of just pulled everything but when she just went for a straight clean rip i think it was shocking but it wasn't overly painful what were your thoughts jeff on the anus well nick says the video is going to show differently i kind of agree you sure uh you sure made it sound like you were in pain. I will say it hurt. It sucked and I didn't like it, but the butthole was not nearly as bad as the balls. The

first ball rip and I think like maybe the fourth. I looked up because I half expected to see my ball sailing through the air. Just ripped right out of my scrotum. It was so intense. I would love to be able to see back.

I bet when she ripped it, it pulled my balls out at least 12 inches. I bet I had a foot of balls before they snapped back. That's why I didn't do it, because one of my nuts is sort of tethered. Oh, yeah, you get your tethered ball. Yeah, it was... On a scale of 1 to 10,

the balls were a 10, I think. Wow. Asshole was maybe like a 7. It sounds like Gavin has anal-colored glasses on about the experience, and maybe the video will bring you back to the time. It was very shocking, and it didn't... It was more painful than not doing it, but I think... was very shocking and it didn't, you know, it was more painful than not doing it.

But I think I think it wasn't looking back on it. It wasn't too bad. It was just very funny and shocking. So my second question was, we talked a little bit yesterday about this, Gavin, and brought up the possibility of you backing out of doing it. possibility of you backing out of doing it when jeff said yes to getting his balls waxed did that close the door for you on being able to back out like the fact that he did the extra thing that that completely locked you in or by that point were you you fully locked in and committed um i don't think i was i mean i did i did check some of the windows to see if they would open but it was once i discovered there were no hinges in there on the windows,

I was all in. You're all in, okay. Yeah. Because, Geoff, you taking it to another level, I feel like really traps him. It's one thing to not do it, but to not do it when you're doing what you're going through at that point would be such a move.

We offered it up to the room if anyone else wanted to go. We offered it to Eric and Nick. Yeah, we all said no. We all said no so fast. A hundred percent. Yeah, no, absolutely not. Didn't even think about it. I'm sure she had wax for it.

I'm sure she would have loved it. Eric, Nick, Gracie, what did, I mean, how are y'all's feelings about the whole ordeal? You were the, I guess, the witness. You bore witness to the atrocity it went pretty much how i expected it to we had gavin brought a slow-mo camera so we have slow motion of oh my god yeah of jeff screaming but sometimes i'm very happy with the bore i i said it in the behind the scenes video i was 100 wrong when i was like not on board for like oh cut a hole in the head thing to like put it through like roaring like

the lion as soon as jeff was on the table and he put his head through the thing it was so fucking funny to look at and then watching it as it was his hair was getting ripped out of his ass was just like, man, wow, we're making something special. Did we roar like lions? There was, I mean, lions, I'm trying to think of the MGM lion. He goes, roar, roar, roar. And you guys just kind of went. So it was less like a lion and more like little short little screamy

noises I am surprised that no one shed a tear especially Jeff with his balls getting waxed I really thought that you were gonna have to like shut your eyes tight and a tear would come out I really really really thought it was gonna happen

do you wish you could unsee most of today? No. I feel like your dicks were both inside of you just due to pressure that there was nothing to see anyway, so it wasn't that big of a deal. You know what I mean? Dude, doing the balls was a whole different experience. She just had my balls and dick in her hand. Oh, my God.

The whole time. Did she really? Kind of, yeah. I mean, she had to get in there. Yeah, like, how else is she gonna do that? That makes sense. At one point, I was like, she's, like, she's gripping my ball, like, she's gripping both of my balls like a koozie.

Like there's a blood light in it, you know? Like a koozie. So, now that you two have gone through this process would you do it again nah i can't i mean given the right circumstances yeah i would do it again if like if you were gonna give me a million dollars sure okay but for pleasure like this is initially pleasure i mean that was the original thing for this was gavin said he thought that this would be a relaxing good time essentially he's a fucking lunatic there was nothing that's what it looked

like that that's about what we could see kind of the whole time there and i think that's what i said oh my god giving birth it did yes it, my God. It was giving birth. It did. Yes, it did. It does look like Jeff is giving birth. Butterfly. You can tell I'm butterflying there. Yeah, butterfly. You would never think a thing called the butterfly could be a cause of so much pain. So, were you just cock and balls in her hand right there?

Yeah, her left hand is my cock and balls and her right hand is torture. Well, I'll edit all that stuff and we'll have it up on YouTube pretty soon, I think. When can we put that out, Eric? I mean, after the new year, Nick. This doesn't come out until like the end of the year. I think this is the last episode of 2023. Yeah, this is Christmas week.

Oh my God, it's Christmas week. So we can't put it out that week? So we can't, actually, if you have it edited and done, I think we can't, 27, 30, well, we have the fruit throw coming out on the 30th. Fuck the fruit throw.

Put this out. We can push it away. You want to put the, okay. We're moving the, guys, if you wanted the fruit throw in 2023 too bad we're getting in 2024 we will move the fruit throw back a week to the sixth uh and we will move the waxing video up to the 30th let's do it love it maybe the fruit throw will be the first video to have our new intro on it oh Oh, wow. I love that. Yeah, we do have,

we definitely have a new intro. Oh, I'm so excited to see them. So many. Andrew, we have so many to choose from is really the thing. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Oh, that's so good. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. Okay, I'm updating the calendar right now. I cannot believe that we're going to have the waxing video by then. That's exciting. I'm really excited to see that. Yeah, get me all the footage today, and I'll get cracking on it over Christmas.

Wow, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, guys. I think Nick has, Nick shot a full behind-the-scenes doc, and there you go. That's so good. Yeah, I'm super impressed. I honestly, I'm really impressed with you guys today and what you did. Because that is not, I wouldn't wish that on most anyone.

And Gavin getting himself into it by saying, I bet it feels good, is really something. But seeing it through, seeing it through was very impressive. So congratulations. Kudos to you guys. Oh, thank you, man. Cheers. I just wanted to be a good friend to gavin i appreciate it i yeah and andrew gave himself one i did too that's true too andrew andrew uh he ripped off the band-aid first so to speak i i sort of did yeah in the sense of like, I like that we covered all areas. You got balls, I got mound, Gavin got anus.

I mean, you got anus too, you double dipped, but all of the front and back fully covered at this point. That's true. Yeah, crazy. Crazy is a good point. How was your recovery? It's fine. Yeah, it's definitely the peak of the pain and the shock was in the moment of ripping,

as well as like the hours leading into that recording that morning I was dreading it I was terrified has there been any regrowth or white pustules that are forming in the area white pustules no there's a regrowth yes white pustules

no I missed all the white pustule conversation I think it's just for my balls. Because how are you even going to see them, dude? You can't see your asshole. That's true. What are white postules? She just said that's a part. Sometimes it's just a part of healing.

Oh, okay. She was just like, if you see anything weird on your balls, like little white postules, just ignore them. They'll go away. This bustling season, it is a bustling season it is a bustling season the december is the craziest month i mean this whole season is crazy but there's so many things going on and it can be so difficult to get nutritious flavorful meals to you but that's why factors here factors america's number one ready to eat meal delivery service and they can help you eat well for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with chef-prepared, dietician-approved, ready-to-eat meals

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you know, and fill it out here and there. But Gavin and I, on Saturday morning, we woke up bright and early and we went to a coffee shop in Brooklyn and we sat down with my laptop and we had the dumbest and funniest, and I gotta say, Gav, probably the fastest hour and a half of work I've ever had in my entire life.

It felt like 12 minutes, but somehow like an hour and 10 minutes had passed. And we were very lucky that the coffee shop was empty because if that was a full, if there were customers all around us, we definitely would have been kicked out. Yeah, we'd be in jail. Just from the words and sentences coming from our table.

It's like, so when he's fingering the aliens personally, what do you want him to say? You know, it's like that kind of stuff. Oh, God. It was, I found something out that I didn't know. And that is that Gavin and I, I love working with Gavin. I've loved working with Gavin since I met him. I think we're great creative partners.

I had no idea we were writing partners. I've never had this much fun writing in my life. And I love slash hate to write and hate to write with other people. It was so creatively fulfilling. And it was just like every, I don't know. It just felt like it was building into something really like every i don't know it just i just felt like it was building into something really special i'm really excited about it i think i think it's going to turn a lot of literary heads yeah the hardest part for me was just keeping trying to

keep the geography straight in my head of where everyone was like who was inside who and i was like okay so they're probably in this position now. Where's all the... Yeah, it was immensely graphic. Should we talk about New York a little bit? We didn't talk about it beforehand, I don't think, but Gavin and I just decided, Gavin and Meg and Emily and I, just to have a little quick weekend

in New York City together. But like to do New York at Christmas. We haven't done a vacation just the four of us together. You know, unfortunately, Meg couldn't go to the Key West thing. And so we kind of just make it up for that. And so we flew into New York on Friday and then we flew out first thing Sunday morning. And it was Gav said it was action packed. It really was.

It was so much fun. We went ice skating in Central Park together. We went and saw the Rockettes. Gavin, I didn't even ask. What did you think of the Rockettes? It was cool. I didn't think you'd like it at all. It's not really my bag,

but it was cool to see like 30 people doing the exact same thing at the same time. Yeah. It was impressive. There was a part, it was at Radio City Music Hall. I've never seen the I've never had a desire to see the Rockettes before. That's like something from the 1940s

that I don't really give a shit about. There was one point, though, when they were doing all their dancing and stuff and they turned the inside of Radio City Music Hall into a snow globe like they projected snow globe out. I don't know how to describe it, but they projected like a snow globe exterior around the roof and the walls and then they dropped snow on everybody it was a pretty cool experience there

was some fun stuff in there we were both in there once for some reason watching ariana grande perform and i think they did the same snow globe thing in there for that performance too did they really i remember going to that but i don't remember that happening i don't remember anything so it was a good new york trip overall you guys had fun well i learned something about jeff oh no jeff jeff is secretly piss king like forget about piss boy jeff is a huge piss guy he was trying to play one of his farts from his voice memos. But accidentally kept playing files of just piss. Just like sounds of piss splashing into the toilet. He's like, oh, sorry, that's me pissing.

And then he would flip to the next one and be like, oh, that's another piss one. Hold on. He's recording himself piss. No, no. Here's He's recording himself piss. No, no. Here's what's going on there. I tried to get back into recording my farts a little while ago. Yeah. And so I've been doing a lot.

You do a lot of farting on the toilet. And so anytime I would think I would have a fart, I would try to record it. And a lot of times they're just false flags. They're just false recordings. And so you were just looking at a lot of times they're just false. They're just like false flags. They're just false recordings. And so I would think, so you were just looking at a lot of like failed attempts at catching a fart. It wasn't like I was recording myself pissing.

I was pissing and trying to fart and then the fart didn't happen. And that's why I killed the recording. You still have like 10 files of just pissing. Yeah. Oh, it's not like I recorded myself pissing. Oh, sorry about these 10 piss files I have. And those were just failed farts

where I was trying to catch myself farting at the toilet and I missed. So if you were going to release a B-side album that was just called False Flags, it would just be pissing. 10 tracks of piss. I wouldn't release a B-side. I'd release a P-side.

Oh! Andrew, how do you feel about being truly dethroned I've never won in the first place you could gladly take it I would argue that your nephew is actually piss boy at this point but I don't even remember why I was trying to play a fart for you was it I don't know what you were doing you were playing something

no it was a fart was trying to catch a fart and ended up I just recorded a new fart and sent it to you I went Meg was really learning a lot about jeff on this trip because he ripped he ripped the biggest fart in the uh the airport lounge into his phone and then sent it to me and then i and then i played it on my phone and meg was like why are you playing it You just heard it in real life.

Then we got in the lift to get out of the lounge, go back downstairs to the plane, and Jeff accidentally hit like the fire alarm bell or something in the lift. What? He hit the emergency button and it just went and it started calling a number and he was just freaking out i hit all the buttons and i was like oh my god are we gonna have to stay in here because they can now i assume there's like an open mic into the lift and we're gonna have to talk to them and instead of like trying to stop it or like turn it off jeff just ripped the biggest fart straight into the mic he went he went proper animal mode.

Just turned into a complete farting freak. And then we walked out. Obviously, that's now someone else's problem. There's a family of five people who had to get into a farty lift with the freaking fire department about to say hello to them. Everything happened way too fast

and I panicked. It was a panic fart. Let me ask you a question. Does Meg hate me now? What did she say? I think she was just saying about how ridiculous it was. Oh, yeah, well, you know,

it's been a ridiculous life. What can I say? How do you accidentally hit the bell button in the lift? Dude, I've never done that in my life. It was a trip of firsts. I've never... Actually, on that flight home was interesting, too.

You were a little ahead of us. I don't know if you heard it, but the guy behind us, I don't... I've taken a million flights in my life, and I can't believe this has never happened to me before. But the guy behind us against the window fell asleep before the plane took off and started snoring. And the people sitting next to him were having a conversation about how annoying it was. And they're like, should we wake him up? And she's like, wake him up. And the guy's like, I'm not gonna wake him up. And she's like, his wife was like, come on, it's annoying. Wake him up. And he's like, he tried to jostle him a little bit and he goes like, and then he just went back to sleep.

He snored the entire flight. I had to put my headphones in just to take a break from hearing him snore. He snored loud enough that I forgot to ask if you heard it. But I can't imagine that everybody on the right side of the plane didn't hear this guy snoring. And I realized I don't think I've ever heard somebody snore on a plane like that. That's the dream, though. I'd love to be able to do that. Yeah, that's great.

He had the fastest flight of his life the only time he was awake was like the 30 seconds that he he like shrugged the guy off that's just straight up teleporting yeah it completely is and he's annoying everybody in the process while doing so which makes it even funnier everyone's miserable around him we also went to the place that had we had some real new york shit we went to the place that had, we had some real New York shit. We went to the place, Lexington candy company. That's supposed to have the best diet Coke in the world. Oh, we saw it like,

Oh yeah. Why, why is it the best or why? Why, why do they think it's like, obviously people say it's like, it's like some old, old timey soda stand.

And they, this is a mixture is supposed to be really good or whatever and like i keep seeing tiktoks about it and so we went and apparently the word is out because we had to wait in line for everywhere we waited was for 40 minutes like everywhere we'd go there every line we'd get into gavin would go he'd look at you go that's about 40 minutes and then it'd be 41 39 it was he was dead right every time. So we waited almost exactly 40 minutes outside of a candy store to go in and eat our Diet Coke or drink our Diet Cokes and eat ice cream. And I got to say, it was not the best Diet Coke I've ever had.

It tasted a little flat and it got better as time went on. But it wasn't as good as an average Diet Coke from McDonald's. It looked a bit watery. And all the people of New York were very confused as to why we're in line for that. Yeah, everybody kept going, what are you guys waiting here for? And we're like, Diet Coke.

And he's like, why? I don't know. You raised Gracie up and then cut her down so fast with that whole thing. She was like, oh my God, oh, this Diet Coke. Oh, I got to get this Diet Coke. I need to go. I'm going to New York. What's it called? What's it called? And then you went, and it wasn't that good. And then immediately,

oh. I mean, the beauty of it is, Gracie, you've had the best Diet Coke in the world, and it's at every McDonald's you go to with a fat straw. Like, it really wasn't any better than that. Good ice cream, though. And it was fun to go in that place. That place had been around for like 150.

Dude, we watched the owner just berate this poor lady. It was so uncomfortable because we didn't. I was on his side. I was on his side at first, but he just wouldn't stop. She was just like, can I just come tomorrow morning and see if you're busy? And he's like, I'm not understanding what I'm telling you. I'm busy all the time. You can come and I'll interview you. You can interview me if I'm not busy. And she's like, okay, so I'll come by tomorrow morning. And if you're not busy,

I'll try to interview. And he goes, once again, I don't know if I'll be busy tomorrow. And she's like, got it. So you may or may not be busy tomorrow. She also kept being like, you know, we can just quickly do it now. He's like, look at this line. It's this massive line. And she's like, yeah, I understand that. But we can, like, we can quickly just do it.

And she just kept talking him in circles. And I actually, in the end, by the end of it, was amazed at the fact that he kept entertaining it and didn't just walk away. It was like the longest circular argument I've ever heard. And all the customers are just standing outside. It was awkward she's like at some point she's like can i interview somebody else and he's like there's no you don't want to interview somebody else i'm the grandson

my grandfather's the one that started the place nobody else knows the stories lady you need me but i keep telling you i'm busy and she's like okay okay it was fucking it was very uncomfortable it was a very new york experience i ice skating was was good too i uh i haven't ice skated in probably 25 years um so i was you know a little bit i was just 50 having a good time uh 50 trying not to eat shit for my ass and uh i didn't fall i i kicked the ice at one point and did like a seven step recovery but didn't go down the closest i came to falling was when i was just going around and i just took one look at jeff and i laughed so much that i almost just fell over because he had the craziest angle this is this is him oh my god on ice. This is off the ice, but this is how his feet look.

They were like, the skates were like 90 degrees from each other. They're too goddamn big. I couldn't find skates that fit my skinny ass feet. Each foot was pointed outwards at like 45 degrees. And just watching him go around the ice on basically two

pre-broken ankles. I almost pissed myself. i fell in a new way that i've never fallen before on the ice i've been i've been ice skating a few times it always goes about the same i'm not made for ice skating i fell back on my ass 15 minutes in that's no big deal but right before i quit and the reason i had to stop skating for the rest of the night is I've never fallen forward before but I started to fall back and I tried to correct myself and by correcting myself I dug my

front of the skates in too far and it just shot me like out of a treble shay forward like a I don't know like a fucking it's like something out of Home Alone I went flying know, like a fucking... It was like something out of Home Alone. I went flying, arms out like Superman, forward, and just slammed into the ice,

and I felt it pull every muscle in my chest. And then I just laid there, and I realized laying face first on the ice with my hands out, I don't know how to get up from this position. And I was in so much pain, it took me a minute to figure out how to stand up. And then I went over to Emily, and she just brushed me for like 20 minutes.

The entire front of my face and my body was, I looked like I just fell into snow. And that ended my night. I was in, it knocked the wind out of me, I could barely breathe. I was trying to be cool, but I was like, oh, I'm good, I'm fine. I'm okay, I'm just gonna go, I'm just gonna go sit down for a minute. And then that was, I was fucking to be cool about it. I was like, oh, I'm good. I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm just going to go. I'm just going to go.

And then I was fucking done, dude. It hurts so bad. Oh, man. It's just everything about this looks painful for you. Like the ankles. It's deeply disturbing to look at. We had a whole discussion about how your ankles would have held up on the ice. Have you ever done ice skiing?

Awful. Yes, I have. And I've never been good at it because I don't have the ankle strength constantly falling over what else happened on that trip gav um you were fooled by a projection of the skyline that made me laugh yeah that was a there was an ice skating rink in brooklyn where we were staying and uh it was like right under the brooklyn bridge so in order for people to still have a view, they just projected the skyline that the bridge was blocking onto the base of the bridge.

So it just looked like you were looking out of the skyline. But we were having pizza, and Jeff was just like, wow, New York's so beautiful. And then he realized that he was just staring at the bridge, and the actual skyline was just like 50 feet to the left.

Still beautiful. Because we were at an angle further away from the bridge where we could basically just see the skyline twice and he kept looking at the fake one.

That's fantastic. I gotta say I feel like we should do like face group field trips for vacations because Gavin and I it was so much fun just dicking around New York City for the weekend and everything we did felt like content you know that's great every time

we even like every time we even just eating felt like content it was uh what else do we wait in line for oh dude before the ice skating there was a line and gavin was like about 40 minutes and then he was right it was 40 minutes and the reason there was a wait is I guess some lady got her hand skated over and I didn't see it. But Emily said they took her off with her hand all bandaged up and she looked rough. And then they had the Zamboni for a long time. Or what was it? Emily can call it Zambino.

The Zambina. Zambina. She had no idea she was saying it wrong the whole time. She's like, oh, once the Zambino's done, we'll be able to finally get out there. Oh, man. So what have you been up to, Andrew, while we've been gallivanting with our anuses and traveling? Ice skates. Assholes and ice skates.

Assholes and ice skates. I had my own issue recently where we're working on something in the background that requires us to send like photos and like different things from the past tony merch has a whole list i don't know if you've seen it gavin of like what he wants for us to send i don't know what you're classic oh we're releasing a thing we're submitting photos for it i'll you should look at it it's in it's in the merch slack. But I've been going through. I want to try to get ahead of things,

you know, with the holidays and people being busy and I'm going to forget stuff. So I was going through and it's things like the waffle bomb and like the drawings of the rooms that you guys did of my room and the past. It's all like stuff like that.

And I'm feeling really good about the list. And then one of the things that he wanted was Bird Chirpp, the bird chirp wave file, which was my fart. Because Jeff was was trying to like you're using a bird app, I believe, Jeff, that would tell you like what bird noises were what bird. And I did this whole thing where I was pretending that I didn't work for me. And so I sent you the file. It was just a fart of mine.

So I went into it and I pulled it up and I posted it with the other stuff. And I was like, ah, that's great. Submitted it all good. I then went into complete shock and fear to realize that I had not sent this directly to Tony, that I had posted my bird chirp to the entire merch slack, just the open slack. And if anyone were to have clicked the link, it would just instantly play the fart, essentially. And so as soon as I realized what I did,

it was a frantic scramble to try to delete it, and I couldn't find the delete button, and I was panicking, full panic. Took me like 45 seconds, and then I got rid of it but then I was faced with a dilemma of I know you guys didn't see it and I wanted to talk about it here but I don't know if anyone else clicked on the bird chirp in that time but if so if I commented like whoops didn't mean to do that I felt like I would tip my hand to you guys which I didn't want to do so I just pretended it never happened and I don't know if anyone on the merch team ended up clicking the bird chirp

how long would you say it was up probably 45 seconds what time of day uh like 3 p.m. Central they saw it no guarantee think yeah I think statistically probably at least one person. I mean, Tony probably. Tony definitely. Like, at least. Yeah, 100%. Well, he's the one who wanted it, right?

That's true. Yeah, he wanted it. Yeah, that's right. He did. It was on the list. He wanted it so bad. It was on the list of things to send. I don't know why you're doing that tone.

Wanted. He wanted it. He wanted it. He wanted it. Do you think Natalie heard it? I hope not, but it's possible. Everyone is up for possibly of having heard it. So that was my big fart drama of the time. We're selling wrapping paper with my dumb face on it.

So I ordered some for myself because i thought it would be funny to like give one of my parents a christmas gift with that paper got stolen from my front door so somebody somebody is going to open that just thinking like oh what's in this box like what christmas what amazon type goodie have i found and are going to be deeply disturbed to just see my stupid face stretched across paper? Let it be known if you live in Nanaimo or near Nanaimo and you receive a Christmas gift with a big mustached face on it as the wrapping paper, your loved one stole that wrapping paper from Andrew. Oh my God, Eric just posted a photo of it. That's from MythicalGingerVitis on the subreddit. That's beautiful.

It looks green screen. Why is it so clean? Because it's upscaled. You look like a Doctor Who alien. you look like a doctor who alien oh that's awesome I do well we need to figure out what piece of content Gracie picked

off of our wheel of years spin last show thanks for staying on top of that I have one last thing I want to say that made me so happy. And I'm hoping that this little Christmas gift for you guys being as excited as I was about this. I was looking at our upcoming ads because we've got to submit a bunch of stuff in advance. And so I was just scrolling through to see what we had coming up in the new year.

You will not believe that in January, we have a Cosmic Crisp ad for our podcast. Yep. Cosmic Crisp has bought into F*** Face 100%. It's insane. It's real. It's real. It's true.

Kent on our sales team has been talking with them and made it all happen. Cosmic Crisp is an official sponsor of face starting next year it's thank you thank you to cosmic crisp obviously but also seriously thank you to kent he made that happen he went out uh and worked that deal unsolicited and was like he's a fucking superstar i love kent yeah i reached out i was like i need to know did they reach out or did you and he he was like, I reached out. And I said, you're a legend.

That's fantastic. I'm so happy that we have a Cosmic Chris. I don't even know where they're going to direct. You know, most ads are like, go to our website. I don't know if they sell apples through their website. Like, I don't know. Go to the store. Check out apples.

They just say, go to your grocery store. And if they don't have cosmic crisp request pl7935 it just made me happy so i just wanted to make sure that that got attention because i was like what the fuck when i was scrolling through and looking so this is like a pre-ad this is a pre-ad i guess but like we i mean the writer i love that they argue with people on Twitter about it's great. It's great. Fantastic. They're really awesome.

I'm really excited to have them as a sponsor. I think it's just what a silly fit. Also, hey, it's a great fucking apple. Like at the end. So good. It's my primary apple. Genuinely. It's the only one I buy.

It's the only apple I buy at this point as well. Primary apple. Same with Nick. It is. yeah it's the only one i buy it's the only apple i buy at this point as well primary apple same with nick it is um yeah we're we're getting on close to time and and i want to make sure we get to it gracie do you have a wheel of yours choice i do oh whoa i figured you'd say oops yep well okay if i'm being completely honest, I had totally forgotten until last night. Andrew slacked me and was like, I can't wait to see what you picked.

And I was like, oh, fuck. That was my subtle, I assumed you would forget because why wouldn't you? Like, that's such a weird thing to remember. So I was trying to be like, hey. I feel like Andrew and Gracie are slacking an awful lot. Oh. Yeah, we do.

Yeah, well, She's a producer in Andrew's Show running Let's Play So yeah I would hope so That's kind of how it works Just an observation If they didn't slack at all I would be So worried It would probably just not be good for me Who do you slack the most with Gavin

That's a great question. Oh, I don't know. TPG, maybe? Who have I got on here? I've got Nick. Probably Nick quite a lot because he's always like, well, where's this file, idiot?

I caught you before you left. Yeah, a little bit of Kent as well. Talking sales. Yeah, no little bit of Kent as well. Talking sales. No TPG? No, I never slacked TPG. Oh, you're missing out. I love TPG. We're on text.

That's fair. I would say I probably, similarly, I slack Eric by far the most, but behind him, it'd probably be Gracie and then Nick. I would think. It's a good top three. Yeah, it's a, ooh, man, I'm going to have, I'm going to, ooh. I would think. It's a good top three. Yeah, it's a...

Ooh, man, I'm going to have... I'm going to... Ooh. I got a fart. You okay? I've never... It's my first post-laxing fart. Quick, take a piss and record it.

Turn around. Let me see. Well, I'm going to... Let's see if it develops. It might not go anywhere. We'll see. Okay. Is this...

Real quick, is this the last podcast of the year? Yeah. This is the last one of 2020 last to release not the last we're recording so I have to get the monopoly money into Andrew's house before the end of this podcast no yes yeah I'm with Jeff yes whatever

okay I've done it what it's in what do you mean nailed it i don't know what that means you've got the monopoly money do i have to check my door wait where where is it where's the monopoly money it's inside it's inside already what all right so what's what's Gracie's pick? wait wait wait wait how is it?

wait where is it? what does that mean? did you Trojan horse this shit? you have it it's in yeah remember the cucumbers? they were just sat next to me the whole time? just like that what did I do?

oh you Trojan horsed it okay can I just say by the way this is the first I'm hearing of this I know I participated in the cucumber thing. I have nothing to do with this. I am just as confused as y'all. That's fine. It's fine?

All right. Job done. Do you want to tell them where it is? I'm looking in the thumbsticks he sent me. That'd be a funny place to put them. Oh. Oh. Is it in the Norm Show DVD?

Is it in the Norm Show DVD? Could be anywhere. It could be, but where is it? Well, that's up to Andrew to discover it. Oh my god. People were mad at me. Oh my god.

I can't look at... I used the Norm Show DVD to prop up my computer. What? That's what you're using the amazing double gift for? I pulled it out and my computer's at a slant now. Well, it's the spare one. I bought my own. Well, you should have kept yours sealed and just watched the spare one.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's what I did. I did keep mine sealed. Right. There's a happy face sticker. Oh, no, that's part of the pamphlet. That's not there. Is it like between the jacket and the disc case

keep saying it yeah maybe he'll find it between episodes oh wow that's exciting um while you're looking Gracie do you want to tell us your uh wheel of

ears pick sure so Well, while you're looking, Gracie, do you want to tell us your Wheel of Years pick? Sure. So, can I get a drumroll? This feels like it needs some kind of buildup. Can you hear this? Yeah. Okay. I chose A Shot in the Dark.

The James Bond movie oh is it James Bond no it's it's part of the Pink Panther Pink Panther movie sorry it's a movie

it's a movie that was a completely standalone story and then at the last minute they changed all the characters into like Clouseau

and the Pink Panther Diamond and just named it a Pink Panther movie. Oh yeah. I didn't know that. Was it the first Pink Panther movie? No, I think it was the second one. Is it the one that happens when they're on vacation?

The one that happens in the big house. Yeah. I can't wait to watch it. That awesome I'm excited that's a good pick hell yeah watch a little Blake Edwards it's like early Clouseau before he became like a complete caricature of himself

okay so we'll have to do I mean we'll be watching it i guess we'll do that for some supplemental content but now's the time where andrew reveals where the money was it's not it's it's not in the it's not in the norm dvd huh what else have you sent him gavin he sent me the thumb sticks and the norm dvds man crazy I also forgot I was looking for money I was looking in my head I was looking for cucumbers you would have you would have found

that by now I think all right wait to buy what what a weird we're ending 2023 on such a weird note well I was going to do it in 2022, but I just couldn't get it done. I guess tune in next year to find out where Gavin hid the money.

Oh, like we're going to know in the first episode. Get real. He's not going to find it. We'll see you next year. Fruit throw will be pretty close. A what? Well, that's coming out next year yeah thanks for uh thanks for listening to face for the for uh all the times you did in the year of 2023 uh we really appreciate it was a hell of

a year we're going out the way we went in with smooth assholes we'll see you next year hey guys major league fan jack here with a look at next week's episode of face what is the worst dessert with smooth assholes. We'll see you next year. Hey guys, Major League Fan Jack here with a look at next week's episode of F*** Face. What is the worst dessert dish? That dude has an enormous arm. Andrew really wants an award. Does that sound like a duck to you? More noises for the best of.

And once again, Andrew does not eat the pencil. All that and more on next week's episode of F*** Face.