F**kface - Bathroom Snake Spotter//I Became a Shitty Riddler [13]

Episode Date: August 26, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about vertical wiping, surprise toilet dangers, Andrew's Krampiss Cult, picking the cheese, and more. Sponsored by Manscaped. Get 20% off with free shipping at http://manscaped.com with code FACE20! Also sponsored by Tushy. Go to http://hellotushy.com/face for 10% off! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit dragonsdogma.com to buy the game and start your epic quest today. That's D-R-A-G-O-N-S-D-O-G-M-A.com to learn more. Oh, it's me, Gavin, with Pissboy and Grillmaster. Face 11 or 12. I think it's 13. It's way too high.

What is it? It's just shit. Too much? I mean, it was a little too much, but what number are we on? I think it's 13. Wow, I was way off. I certainly named it number 13, so if it's not, my naming scheme is off.

Oh, okay. Well, apologies for that. Oh, no, it was good. Yeah, Nick says it's 13 for sure. Eric concurs it's 13. This is 13, he says. Sounds like it's 13. Well, you already started off. I was going to start it off like this, but I loved your entrance.

You had a lot of enthusiasm. You came in hot. I really appreciated it. We'll do different takes. Well, let's do Jeff. Here came in hot. I really appreciated it. We'll do different takes. Let's do Jeff. Here's how I was going to do it. All right. Action. Hello, and welcome to another episode of F*** Face. My name is Jeff Ramsey, and this is a podcast where you, let's say, make an appointment to go to the dentist on the day that you record

a podcast. And you make that appointment because it's an emergency because you've had a week of a terrible terrible, terrible toothache and it's keeping you up at night. And you haven't slept for three or four days now. And so the first slot you can get in is at 8.30 in the morning on the day that you record episode 13 of your podcast. So you go

just for some sweet relief, just anything and you find out that you need and then you receive a root canal. As with me, as always, Gavin Free and Andrew Benton. You had a rough day. Oh my God, I'm miserable. It feels like two women crawled inside of my mouth for two hours with sharp metal objects,

and they were very sweet, and they were very nice, and they numbed me up real good, but as the numbing is wearing off i feel like hammered shit i feel like somebody used my face as a pinata and i'm all drugged up and i'm so ready to do this podcast so andrew what's the with you what exactly is the root canal it's like your tooth stem it's like deep deep tooth right yeah it's like uh or is it the tooth or the hole for the tooth? I don't fucking know, dude. I'll tell you what it is.

It's about 90 minutes of a jackhammer going into your brain and hearing them go like, I almost got it! And you're like, oh, God. You're hearing cranking and gears. It sounds like, if you close your eyes, it almost sounds like an engine overhaul on a 77 Bronco. Man, we all know what that sounds like yeah yeah very relatable reference a lot of pneumatic drills and whirs and zings and clang a lot of clangs they didn't adequately numb you no they did a good job um it's just that when two entire human beings

crawl into your mouth you get all stretched out i mean they're not in there on their hands and knees jeff dude gavin there was it was my molar my back tooth so they had to get me they had to get they had to get that and they're not large women but they had to get all of their hands and their arms and they're uh up at least to the biceps well i mean compared to the human mouth all women are large that's four entire limbs in there, and then they had to get the drill and rig, you know, the equipment. They had to get the front loader, and like the raker and all that stuff. They had to jack you up. Yeah, and then those

things require power, so they have to pull that giant battery machine. The three-phase. Yeah. And then you gotta have a tech for if the generator fails, and he's gotta have a place to stand. And then, you know, all the bits and pieces of your tooth that are flying out, they got to go somewhere.

Anyway, it takes up a lot of space. I feel like I just did a 500 dick gangbang in my butt. You didn't even go for mouth, the source of the pain. I mean, my butt feels like my mouth. My mouth feels like... Wait, what? If my- my mouth feels like what my butthole would feel like if I had gotten gang-banged by 500 dudes of decent length and girth. So, you're saying if you took 500 dudes in the mouth, it wouldn't be as bad?

Yeah, and I realize that I- maybe I'm not making the most logical sense, but that's because I'm on some pills of some kind, and I'm a little loopy. What with the pain and all! Oh, I shouldn't yell uh is this a different tooth jeff than the one that you sucked in half with a piece of taffy what uh different tooth same tooth other side of the mouth yeah he was uh he was just sucking on some saltwater taffy uh which i assume was delicious it was delicious he was just sucking on it we're playing playing like Gears of War 2 or something and Suddenly he just like crunched something. It was like he bit like a Pistachio shell or something it was like yeah, and then he gauzed out like just the top half of his tooth

Just like shaved off. Yeah, just like pulled in half by taffy. That's horrifying was it painful? You seem more confused than in pain, but... It didn't feel as bad as this. Anyway, that's what kind of podcast this is. Andrew, did you vertically wipe your way to 50 hamburgers? Oh, are we going vertical wipe off the jump? I think we should tie up the loose threads. Should we put some backstory on the vertical wipe? I might as well just read the email exchange, right?

Yeah, I feel like that's probably necessary. I'm glad we're finally getting to this. Eric says in an email to all three of us, hey guys, got this message from sales. Someone wants to send a bidet. I just need an address and pics of their toilet. Any takers? Jeff, I assume already having one,

says someone should take it. Andrew said, I already said this once, but I forgot to tag everyone. As a vertical wiper, I'm out. A bidet would add a layer of risk to my wipes that i cannot take it's a risky game as you might imagine that sort of steered the email chain in a slightly different direction to how it started with us all wondering what the hell is a vertical wiper and then eric comes flying in save it for the show and that was the end oh and then and then I think he took the bidet.

I feel like it's pretty self-explanatory. I've wiped vertically. I don't trust the toilet situation. You wipe vertically. I mean, it doesn't, if your ass cheeks make a vertical trench in your ass, doesn't every, who is going to go cheek to cheek when you could just go down? No, no, no, no, no, no. The only way to wipe horizontally would be if you laid down on your

side on the ground and got in the fetal position. And then it would be a horizontal wipe. Are you shit wiping in the fetal position? No. Is this a piss boy thing? One leg bent just to get it stretched. What I'm saying is most people, I would say wipe

in the prone position. You're very vulnerable on a toilet. The wiping position. Wipe in prone? Yeah, well, when you're sitting on it. Like if I'm crawling through like low brush? Not literally prone, but I'm saying in comparison to what I do, which is the vertical wipe. I do my business.

I stand up. Then I do the wipe. Then I move on with my day. I don't sit for the wiping part. Sitting is still vertical, Andrew. I know, but it's not. I'm more vertical than you are in the vertical wipe. I'd say it's more straight

maybe, and we're more curved. Yeah, it was a real misnomer that vertical thing. What you're saying is you're a standing wiper. Yes. Okay, that's a totally different thing. I feel like vertical wipe explains standing wipe. No, it doesn't at all, and I'll tell you why, Andrew. I'll tell you why.

I don't know about that. Because A, I'm 45 years old. I'm very well read. I'm very well learned. I've been all around. I've never heard to it referred to as vertical wiping. Also, I myself used to be a standing wiper, and as someone who practiced it daily until he was 45 or so, 44, I was so confused by your terminology.

A standing wiper I get. And might I say, Andrew, your fear of using the bidet because you're a standing wiper, you will no longer be a standing wiper if you get a bidet. I have seen the light, as it were, the golden light, and now I am a sitting wiper. And with the combination of the bidet and the sitting wipe, it's a whole new, fresh, clean, minty, angelic world. I'll be honest, I'm not sure you can get a 100% decent wipe if you're stood up. You're, like, closing your cheeks over your arsehole.

No, you definitely can. You can. Yeah, absolutely. It's like trying to get something out of a drawer, but then you like close the drawer up to your wrist and you're just rummaging around. Open the drawer, wipe it clean. You can do it.

I'm going to defend Andrew. The drawer is open enough. You can do it. But I will say you will scrub your asshole like sandpaper by the time you're done to make sure it's totally clean. I get it. Okay. So maybe the cheeks are fine.

My butthole is 10 years younger because eight months ago I switched to a bidet. 10 years younger. If you saw my butthole, you'd be like, am I looking at Jeff or am I looking at Jeff's 22 year old butthole? I feel like to get the best wipe, you need to be in the same position that you pooped in. I mean, like when you sit down. Not at all.

A little bit more anus comes out than maybe there when you're stood up and it sort of gets it primed and that's where all the poo is and that's the bit you gotta clean. You're right. But if you stand back up, it goes. He's not right. What do you mean? No, no, he's right in the sense that it's ultimately a better

wipe to wipe where you poop. He's right about that. He's not right in that it's in any way dirtier for you to stand up. I'm sure you have a method. I had a method where you kind of stand to the side and hold your butt cheek in a certain way and you stay totally clean.

But having done it both ways, I will say it was a hard transition to make. But once I made the transition, I could never go back to vertical wiping as Andrew so eloquently put it. I would say my issue isn't with the technology. I'm not saying I'm wiping in the most efficient way possible.

I'm wiping in the safest way. There's no scenario in which I'm going to get caught off guard. What are the risks? Leave the weapon, bomb in the toilet. I've thoroughly searched that. There's not going to be a surprise bomb. Snake. Never know when a snake could just show up.

That's a very scary proposition. You're still pooping sat down, though. No, but I checked the first time, then I stand up, do a second check, and we're all clear. We do a double check. You're worried about a bomb that's been placed while you were shitting. Yes. Right. No, no, that makes sense, Andrew. I'm not

disputing. You're also, you're making fun of the bomb thing. You never know when a snake will appear. Snakes do not care about your schedule. I think about the snake thing all the time, Andrew. And I will say, you're right in the sense that, and Gavin, you got to give him this. He's right in the sense that if somebody has put the bomb in the toilet prior to pooping, I mean, there's no way, there's no way.

You'd have to be, you'd have to be like the Pink Panther to sneak the bomb in to the toilet while he's shitting. You'd have to be like the world's best thief. However, you do reduce the amount of time you sit on the toilet. So if the snake is somewhere in the pipes and it's making its way up to you, the sooner you get off the toilet, the better the chance are you're going to get off before the snake makes it through. Judging by that logic, the perfect piece of technology is a lifeguard chair that goes over your toilet yes yes that like jackass two style like the concept yeah with a hole cut it i don't know why guys i can't i'm so dizzy i can't open i can't keep my eyes open i don't know whether it's because i was getting disgusted or a piece of spit just moved

But I inhaled something in the middle of that and it's hurting me, but you get you get what I mean. Yeah. Yeah No, I understand. I Don't really want a lifeguard in there with me. I also my bathroom is big enough. That's not a lifeguard for you. It's a life Did I misunderstand the point of the lifeguard? You misunderstood! What do you think I'm saying? I thought you were saying like an observational person to make sure the snake doesn't come. You didn't really think that's what I meant.

That was my interpretation, you needed a second set of eyes. No. To let you know if the snake was coming up the pipe. No! Because that would make sense, but it's just I don't have the room in my bathroom. My bathroom's relatively small. It doesn't take up any more room. It's a lifeguard chair that sits over your toilet with a hole in it.

It's a toilet seat. Oh, I sit in the chair is your idea. Yes. Yes. It'll keep you off the toilet away from the bombs and the snakes. That's really risky. So you can land your dumps in the toilet and it'll give you some sort of lever for flushing. And then you can wipe still sat down because you're not and the snakes. That's really risky. So you can land your dumps in the toilet, and it'll give you some sort of lever for flushing,

and then you could wipe still sat down because you're not on the toilet. Have you seen a snake jump? They get some pretty good distance. I think the chair only adds more risk. I'm not a fan of the chair. Now, if you had, like, a second person observing, I'm more open to that, but I still don't want that. That's the bit you liked about the story?

No, I didn't like it but i'm saying i'm more open to it than the chair above the toilet i that's just a lot of work to climb up the chair and then what if i miss and god oh that's it's not a wind going through it no but but if you're dropping bombs you want to hit your target and even if you miss once with shit it's a high stakes game i think the standing wipe is better than the chair. I'm blown away that you think you could miss the ball from, like, three feet above it. Listen, what if he has, like, a tub girl explosion?

What if he's got diarrhea? What if he had Chipotle? Oh, you're right. No, diarrhea would definitely... No, you're right. That's a good point. I didn't think about diarrhea. But in Gavin's defense, I think that you got two problems

if you have a lifeguard in the bathroom as a spotter, as a snake spotter, which I'm not totally opposed to. Plus, to be honest with you, it gives you somebody to talk to. They still can't see the water. Your balls and ass are on it. But the problem is the visibility is going to be severely reduced. So what you're going to have to do is you're going to have to have a glass toilet. Yes.

And a glass toilet is going to be expensive. And if it breaks, you're fucked. And you're going to end up with like, we've all seen glass ass. You don't want to sit down to have diarrhea and then unintentionally, you know, swallow eight gallons of broken glass up your butthole. I'll be honest. I don't think glass is any less structurally sound than ceramic. Maybe. Yeah. Well, I don't know about that. We'll have to ask a scientist. But the other problem is even if you have the glass toilet and you've got a really good lifeguard who's focused and they've got the binoculars

and it's trained on the pipe, the second they see the snake pop through, the reaction time is, I mean, it's there, man. It's like four inches away from your balls and your butthole at that point. You're not going to be able to move fast enough. If you're in the lifeguard chair,

you at least have some warning. No, I feel as though if you have a glass toilet, first of all, not many glass toilets exist. The snake is going to think it's on a stealth mission. It's going to be going slowly. I think there's enough time from when you would see the pipe to escape. Okay. Especially if you're prepared.

If that's a concern, I would look like Usain Bolt coming off the line if I got a snake alert. I'm on that toilet. I don't care what's going on. You and me both, buddy. Okay. That's standing wiping. I feel like it's pretty logical. You've made your case. Yeah. I got a snake alert. I'm on the toilet. I don't care what's going off. You and me both, buddy. Okay. So that's standing wiping. I feel like it's pretty logical. You've made your case.

Yeah. I am a reformed standing wiper. I am a sitting wiper now, and I prefer it to the standing wipe. But I do not begrudge you, sir. And you've, I think, deftly articulated your position on the matter and defended it well. It's all vertical. It's all vertical. Well, yeah, but I'm more vertical. I'm more vertical than you. I think that's undeniable. I think that's a fact. position on the matter and uh defended it well it's all vertical it's all vertical well yeah

but i'm more vertical i'm more vertical than you i think that's undeniable i think that's a fact i don't think you can dispute that in any way i'm definitely more vertical than you are just in general um not in general but i think in that situation but when shitting when shitting yeah i think i'm in a more vertical position than you i feel like that makes sense i feel like i want my anus pointed down if i'm dealing with it at any point. And by standing up, it's pointing backwards. Now that's just confusing. What you just said is very...

I don't know how to process that. Backwards? Like my anus needs to be horizontal. Oh, I'm getting loopy. Okay. No, you are a vertical wiper. Your anus is vertical. Well, no, you know,

I'm not here to argue about shades of degrees. If you want to identify as a vertical wiper. Your anus is vertical. Well, no, you know, I'm not here to argue about shades of degrees. If you want to identify as a vertical wiper, that's fine, too. I just, I think I'm more vertical. I think you're more right than you realized. I think I'm pretty accurate about this. All right. Fair play. All right.

I think we got to the bottom of that. You know what? That's not something we do often. Good job, guys. No, we did it. It's amazing. There was little arguments there. There was like heated discussion, obviously,

but Andrew at no point said that he wanted to strangle both of us like a couple of weeks ago. Well, that was a rational threat. I think I was pretty justified in that. Pant line momentum through the roof, by the way. People really excited about the possibility of the pant line. A lot of excitement. A lot of messages.

I mean, I feel like people are more excited about those specific 14 hats, though. the ones that can't be replicated or sold oh i don't i don't know about that we'll see we'll see what the technology is we'll see how things go the holy grail of hats so oh there was some good suggestions in the audience for maybe putting them as extra life incentives no absolutely yeah i definitely i think that's what i want to do with all of them is somehow find a way to use them to raise some amount of money for charity and extra life would make sense for sure. Also, more good feedback from the audience based on when the last one came out that I

read. Apparently, the reason I keep almost flying over the handlebars of my bike is because Americans have the freaking brakes switched around. Did you know that? I was wondering why when I moved to the US I just forgot how to ride a bike And every time I don't ride a bike for like two or three years I get back on it and you know, like I said, it's like riding a bike You're not supposed to forget and I'm not forgetting I'm remembering what it was like to ride a bike as a small child in England

So I'm restoring in all those settings and every time I try and ride a bike now, I almost die. Why does your country insist on flipping everything? Well, the question is, where was the bike first made? That's the main question. Where was it first met? Made. Oh, made. You don't meet a fucking bike, but where was it made?

I don't know. Was it the penny farthing? I have no idea. I don't know anything about bikes. I'm just saying that if it was made in Europe. But, you know, when I moved to America, you immediately notice a bunch of weird differences. It's like, well, that's different. But I never noticed the bike was flipped. I just thought I was an idiot, and I've never realized until someone pointed it out.

I didn't even know that was a thing. Madness. It's like when you hop between consoles, and you play a Switch game, and your B and A are completely flipped, and it messes you up. Yeah. It is very confusing. Are your brakes the same as in America, Andrew, on a Canadian bike? Uh, is... You guys are like a Britain Junior, right? So shouldn't you have the same backward brakes?

I, you know, I don't know about that, but the right side is the back brake, right? That, that correct? Which side is the back brake? Right? Right, right side. Yeah. Right side. Then yeah, same as America.

Okay. I still, i'm not exactly sure if you guys are fucking or me wow that is i don't think we're doing that twitter jail twitter jail will do some things to you um should we get into that can we find out what happened let's just let's just transition to that because i don't even know what point i was gonna make it sounds like you didn't do anything regarding burgers. There were no burger updates. I just, I didn't, with everything else I had going on, I didn't have

an in me to do burgers this week. But I did get out of Twitter jail and I've been talking to a lot of people. Since we last spoke I've had around 800 different conversations with people. So you get dissed by 200 people? No, those are the ones I haven't gotten back to yet. Okay. I still have like 195 more to go I haven't gone back to yet. Okay, gotcha.

I still have like 195 more to go, but I've had 800 talks. They're really awesome. They kind of like ranged from all over the place. I had some surprisingly serious talks and then conversations that were literally people just sending me audio farts. So we kind of went all over the spectrum. Wow. Do you get any good ones that you want to play?

Do you get release forms for those farts? No, I didn't get release forms. Do I have any good ones that you want to play? Do you get release forms for those farts? No, I didn't get release forms. Do I have competition? Is that what I'm hearing? You might have some British competition, Geoff. Okay. All right. I'm sorry to inform you.

I'd like to hear a dignified fart. Like a fart with a monocle. Yeah. Like a stately fart that's in some sort of twill suit. some sort of a twill suit. 2020 has been a year of things happening that are completely and totally out of your control, but there is one and only one thing we can control in our lives. And that's our Bush.

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well at Manscaped.com and use code FACE20. That's F-A-C-E-2-0 You can spell FACE20 and if you can't, I just did it for you. Hit rewind. Write it down. It's time to grab 2020 by the horns by shaving that front trunk. I wish mine was like a trunk. Dear F*** Face listener, do you have a butthole? Then pay special attention. This ad is for you. It's hard to believe that when we go to the bathroom in this country, most of us wipe instead of wash. And that could be vertical

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This is a special offer for our listeners. Go to hellotushy.com slash face for 10% off. This is a special offer for our listeners. Go to hellotushy.com slash face for 10% off. hellotushy.com slash F-A-C-E. So I went through those messages and you guys had some great ideas last time we spoke about what I should do with the subreddit. That we were going to mess with the people in the subreddit. What would be a good direction to go?

And I didn't listen to any of your advice, really. I could tell by the way you listened. You listened to, you decided on a subreddit. You're doing that. I made a Discord. That is correct. I went with the Discord angle. I didn't plan on interacting with it at all, really.

I was just going to make a Discord because I really struggled with, I want to mess with these people and I want to keep the Twitter conversations as genuine as possible the people on Twitter don't necessarily want to be messed with so I put the Twitter conversations on hold and I focused purely on this discord and I just posted a link in the discord no context about I don't know 20 or so people joined into it and then it just slowly progressed so the first stage was I posted the 1-800 number for Dr. Pepper because I had a bottle on my desk. No reason, no explanation, just posted it. They called it and then I deleted it

to make it seem sort of suspicious. The next day I posted a random photo of a Donkey Kong character and another number this time to the Pepsi 1-800 number. And they were very confused by this as well. Equal confusion, deleted it. They thought a mystery was going. I that up with i thought well how can how can i mess with these people further so i posted a riddle and i had an answer to it but i had no real plans for

the riddle uh i just it had an answer it was silly and they all went nuts for it so then it turned into a week-long game or weekend long i spent my entire weekend crafting more clues and creating more layers to this insane puzzle that made no sense they started a cult they referred to themselves as a cult and they worship the lord krampus combining jeff's genius of krampus and piss boy i i'm apparently krampus and uh like crampus Krampus is my moniker that they're going for and I'm gonna share with you a file they made this is the case file that they're using to solve these riddles it's dense I became a really shitty riddler essentially over the weekend and I don't know how to necessarily tackle all this in a linear way so feel free to ask any questions you may have oh my god it's literally crampus yeah it's thick it is there's a lot of shitty riddles and it went to some pretty ridiculous places does it have like an end goal like are you just sending them all around or I made the first riddle and it had an answer but I

didn't plan on doing any other riddles. But they liked it so much, I thought, I'll just keep doing this. So it went on for a few days and I just kept making stuff up. It's 10 pages! It's long. There are a lot of riddles. So after the first day, I thought, well, how can I escalate this? And I remember I have that California number that I called Jeff a bunch with last time we recorded.

And so I posted the number and said only one person would get through. And so I got a bunch of calls on it. And the guy I answered and there was quiet for like three seconds. And then he said, hello. He was so nervous. And I just started playing this random sea shanty. And it was just like the herring is the king of the sea. The herring is the king of the sea.

It went off for like eight seconds and he just went, what is going on? And then I hung up and it was just like, the herring is the king of the sea. The herring is the king of the sea. It went on for like eight seconds. And he just went, what is going on? And then I hung up. And it was fantastic. It was wonderful. So yeah, I didn't do the puzzle thing. But instead, I made a elaborate riddle filled with phoning things. I bought a Swedish phone number that just happened to have a 666 in it.

So that was amazing. They were calling all over different numbers from across the country. Was it coincidentally a 666 or did you seek that out? Yeah, no, I didn't seek that out at all. It was just a randomly given number to me. You made up like a pointless ARG. You made an AR no G. Yeah, exactly.

They didn't like it was all online, obviously. But yeah, it got ridiculously elaborate. I used a kangaroo jack trailer. I made another Gmail account to leave comments on YouTube videos for them to find. It was ridiculous. They had no idea what was going on. What's this Matt Bragg thing? So that was another problem. Most of them didn't follow sports at all. And so I try to leave clues that were sort of roosterteeth it had nothing really to do with Matt Bragg Matt Bragg happened to be born really close to where the actual answer of the riddle was oh that was the clue Ella tubbies the Heisenjake connection yes oh the Heisenjake

connection was so good so on the second day I told them because a bunch of my friends were also in this discord I told them that they had a snake in the grass and they had to vote somebody out of the discord. They had to try to figure out whoever was purposely misleading them. And so they they were trying to figure out who it was. And after that process, I just thought, well, just be funny to reveal other people. And Jake, who I've talked about quite a few times and pulled a lot of pranks on him, his alias is Heisenjake. And I remember, Jeff, in a video from like five years ago, a Batman Let's Watch, you say, I'm Heisenjake doing the Batman voice. And so I dug that up and

I had somebody else say, I just found this. What does it mean? And they posted it and everybody freaked out. They had no idea how to take that information and then i immediately banned jake that it was me saying i'm heisen jake it was you saying you were heisen jake and it's such an obscure like weird joke they didn't know how to take it i banned him so he couldn't reply so it looked like he fled immediately and uh it was ridiculous who's denise denise that's uh? Denise. That's Denise is funny. Denise is Jeff's daughter, Millie. She was voted out.

They kicked Denise out, a.k.a. your daughter. They thought that she was suspicious and she was the person who was removed. So my daughter was the person that got voted out from the group. Yes. That was who they assumed the spy was. I got to say, you guys I knew that you guys were up to something

because Millie gets, she was giggling the other night talking to you. I didn't realize that she was involved in this. That's very fucking funny. She kept it quiet the whole time. She never mentioned anything to me. Maybe she was embarrassed she got kicked out. She was not thrilled. I didn't consider that she could

rejoin from an old invite, so they voted her out, and then I told her oh, you got voted out. I didn't consider that she could rejoin from an old invite, so they voted her out, and then I told her, oh, you got voted out, I'm sorry that that happened. And she rejoined like an hour later. I was like, what the fuck is going on? Like, how dare you? And they didn't know how to take that either. It was great.

Just added to the confusion. How many people ended up in this Discord? I'd say there were probably between 15 to 20 that didn't know anything, that were along for this ridiculous ride. So where did it end? Or is it still in progress? No, they finally, they solved it on Monday. So I guess it started like Friday night and they solved it near the end of the day on Monday.

But it was insane. How did they solve it? The Riddle had an answer. What was the answer to the Riddle? Sonny Jergensen. solve it the riddle had an answer what was the answer to the riddle sunny jergensen he is this old retired washington redskins quarterback that did commentary for them and it was an inside joke between a friend and i she'd be driving home and all she'd get is that radio feed and sunny jergensen is kind of a legend for that team but uh he would do commentary and he was completely

useless he wouldn't really say anything. He'd just stare out the window and his insights would be like, can't give Tom Brady the ball. And that's all he'd say for like a quarter. And so we loved him because he was a ridiculous character. So that was the the answer was always Sonny Jurgensen. But everything along the way was just made up as far as where I'd go and the phone numbers. And I'm sure that was incredibly unsatisfying to solve. Yeah. What are they? how bummed were they? No, they were pretty, like, here's the thing.

It was, it's kind of hard to convey, but they were fully invested in this, and they're phoning numbers. Like, the journey was a lot of fun. They had a good time solving that aspect of it. And there were so many coincidences that made it look like I was way smarter than I intended. Like, I was trying to get them to look at a specific NFL draft to figure out the riddle. And I put Stern in

referencing the NBA commissioner, but they interpreted that as Howard Stern because you had mentioned it on a previous episode, Jeff. And so then I tried to redirect them and they just started looking into the NBA commissioner. And it turns out he has two sons, one named Andrew, one named Eric, which i had no idea about and they're like that motherfucker do you mean david stern yeah god rest his soul he passed earlier this year but yeah yes he really has sons named eric and andrew that is fucking unbelievable yeah so it's like they were in an escape room but it was like mutating and evolving as they got stuff wrong i feel like that's quite cool it It was. I'm just to keep looking through. What's the Teletubby saga? Oh, well, his name's Sonny. So I was trying to like

get people to think that was that was the clue for that. What's that got to do with Teletubbies? I posted the name of the baby who is in Teletubbies in a scrambled way that they had to figure out. And once they solved it, then they thought it had some deeper Teletubby connection. But I was just trying to illustrate Son. That baby had a name? Well, the baby was a person, Gavin. Yeah, turns out they existed. Well, yeah, it was like a twin girls, wasn't it? I think her name is Jess Smith. I don't know if she has a twin.

I didn't look that deep into it, but that was the Teletubby saga. All right. So then they solve the Sonny Jurgensen. Is that his name? Jurgensen? Yes. They solve the Sonny Jurgensen saga mystery. And then what is their reward?

You just explain to them. I was just fucking around. Listen to face tomorrow. It'll make sense. Yeah, well, sort of. Yeah. I mean, there wasn't like a prize reward because I was making it up as I went the entire time. Yeah, it was just sort of it started as a joke.

It's not like they were upset, but I think it was more of they were so invested in this thing and it was so funny for them to hear like how much of it was just me making stuff up as I went. So what happened to the Discord server? Did you keep it up or is it gone? It's up right now, but I'm going to delete it. I think at the end of the week. What a interesting, what a not face.

That turned out to be a really cool thing. I feel like you went through all that effort just so you wouldn't have to draw the picture of the guy looking up. That is, I got, somebody sent me a message of what I was talking about so someone out there knows Someone's done the work for you. Well. I want to see it. Can we just see their work? You can pretend you did it It wasn't quite right. That's why I didn't copy it. It was a little different. Could you just do it then? Can you just do it? Yeah? I'll do it. I'll I've been waiting I feel like two months to see what what what you're talking about

It's gonna be our logo like the time it comes see what you're talking about. It's going to be our logo. By the time it comes out, we're just going to make it the F*** Face logo. That'll be our logo. And it's going to be on everything. Next time. I promise. Next time, I will do it. Listen, Twitter jail was tough, okay?

I didn't have time to make drawings. So with the other part of it, the 800 people you've talked to, you've just essentially strengthened your relationship with 800 new people. Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. That sounds great until they all need help moving on the same weekend. Honestly, I was I needed, I think, 250 more messages that I had left yesterday. And I thought, oh, this is great. I'll be able to knock out a bunch of these.

And then the episode dropped and everybody wanted to know how they could buy the hat. And it completely buried me. So I've made no progress in the last day. It was awesome. I definitely I don't regret it at all. I just I feel bad that it's taken me as long as it has to reply to all these people.

I'm just blown away that we we started on this road and at the end of it was crampiss, which I think is the funniest mashup of two ridiculous jokes from the same dumb episode. I can't believe we didn't come up with it. That's how it's going to live forever. This is like our Baba Booey moment, right?

Oh, no. When Gary said Baba Booey when he met Baba Louie on the Howard Stern show and Howard's like, that's your name from now on. And Gary goes, yeah, that'll stick. I don't think we need to declare that. 35 years later that he's still Baba Booey. Yeah Howard just let it go. Yeah you're cramp pissed for the rest of your life. No I don't know about that.

I don't think we need to make that declaration. Oh my god. I feel like this was a nice moment that we can leave in the past. It was great. It lasted. I think we can move on from cramp piss. It'll stay in the past except for the moments that it's brought back to the forefront of our memory every time we say hello to you and use the moniker Krampus.

Do you think, Andrew, that this podcast has been better or worse for the quality of your life overall? Oh, way better. Oh, really? You got 800 new friends, dude. Yeah, I just talked to 800 people and had some really interesting conversations. It's exhausting. It's definitely more exhausting. what was the weirdest conversation what's the creepiest one that you wanted nothing to do with oh the creepiest one that's a that's tough to answer because 800

is a good pool it is if you had conversations with 800 people chances are you talked to at least three serial killers probably um i'd say 80 of them thought i was fucking with them in some way so they were very on guard initially and the other 20 thought i was hacked i'm trying to think what is the weirdest uh that'd be weird bad could be weird good i mean the getting sent the fart was unexpected um that's a real face fan right there yeah that's how we say hello in F*** Facelandia with our anus. I don't, yeah, there's none that stick out for like weird funny. The nose, getting the nose was pretty good, although it wasn't quite right, but at least

somebody gets what I was saying. The nose? Well, the face. The face that you're talking about. Oh, it's more of a nose? Yeah, the nose is a little big for what mine is. Theirs actually made more sense. In my head it's some weird Picasso drawing of... I don't know what I'm

expecting. I'm more confused than ever. You're gonna be so disappointed. It's gonna be great. What we should do, here's what we should do. We should all draw it. Jeff and I will draw it based on what we think it'll look like, based on Andrew's description, and then Andrew has to show us the real one. That's a great

idea. I will provide any additional info. I think that's a great idea. Now, Gavin, should we have Andrew give us instructions as if he were the teacher, but we're just going by sound, like we're doing it over audio. We're not like on a Zoom call or anything. So we're just drawing what we're hearing. Yeah, I would say you can give us like three to five important points that would help us draw it.

Nose where the hair should be. Mouth in the middle. Are these all different points? You're giving us nothing. to five important points that would help us draw it. Nose where the hair should be, mouth in the middle. Are these all different points? You're giving us nothing. No, these are points. What do you mean? Well, we're not ready to draw yet! I don't even have a pencil! Well, okay, yeah, just list them out then. List them out. List out all your instructions. Okay. Nose where the hair should be, mouth in the middle, standard ears. I think that's pretty good. I think you got all you need. I think you're gonna nail it. Does it have eyeballs?

No. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It doesn't need eyeballs. That wouldn't make sense with the perspective. Okay, so now I'm imagining. Okay, I guess I was imagining looking up at us before, but now I'm imagining it's just a man standing, and we're like square on with him,

but he's just looking straight up, and we're looking at his like chin and shit. Well, I don't know if he's vertical or not, but yeah, it's the nose is where the hair should be and mouth in the middle. But the ears are the same. Yeah. Honestly, I think I can draw this perfectly. Yeah. Jeff, what do you think?

I'm sending it to you guys right now. I've already drawn it. You've already drawn it? Oh, shit. I have to whip out Microsoft Paint here. Hold on. I just drew it on a piece of paper you have pens I yeah, I found a pen. I need a pen. I'm gonna get all right

Where am I looking for this is gonna be a text or in the chat? I texted it to you I got it. Let's see all right wait wait until I've got text mine as well hold on Jeff isn't even close I drew what you said dude not even Slightly close I'm gonna draw mine hold on okay You have to vamp because obviously I've put a lot of effort into this. So should I have drawn a whole head and everything? Yeah, absolutely you should have. It's a person, they have heads, people have heads. You didn't say to draw a head!

Well I assumed the head would be there, everyone has a head. You always draw a head. Um, okay, so like, oh. Now I'm a little nervous, because if Gavin says equally as confused, then that might fall on me. I don't think I'm confused. I didn't think I was confused either, Gavin. Jeff couldn't have been further off. I'm gonna do it again. How's it going, Gavin?

I'm trying to load up an app that will let me draw on this iPad. Well, you load up the app. Can I talk about something else? Yeah, yeah. Okay. This is very important. So you guys are gonna need to listen to this. I'm listening. I'm lost. I'm lost in this as someone who is lactose intolerant for most of their life. Someone requested something from me that I want to be able to give the best answer, but

I'm in the grass a little bit as far as this goes. So I got this message randomly a few days ago and I responded and it was someone saying, hey, I have something I'd love to talk to you about. Get back to me and I'll explain more. And I didn't really expect much, but this is this is the message I got in return. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the tradition in villages over here in the UK, but one of our age old events is downhill cheese rolling. This event dates back hundreds of years and is at the core of rural English culture. As a gentleman who clearly has a penchant for the

less than ordinary, I was hoping you could do the people of Exminster the honor of selecting our cheese for this year's chase. You're picking the cheese? I'm picking the cheese. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh my God. It does have to be a hard cheese and is usually a big wheel of this chosen cheese.

My intention would be to dedicate this year's chase to yourself and to send you the cheese wheel once the event has been held. Have you seen footage of that? I love downhill cheese racing. I'm a big fan. It's people just eating shit and like dislocating their shoulder going flying. It's amazing. I want to film it in slow-mo.

Andrew, that's one step down from being knighted. Wow. This means more to me than being knighted. I'm a big fan of cheese racing. I bet the queen sees the cheese you picked. Well, that's what I need help with. I don't know anything about cheese. What would be a good cheese?

What's the hardest cheese? I have no idea. I feel like it would... Oh, I don't know. Edam? I don't even know what that is. Edam? I don't...

Chirpy. It's from yak's milk. It's hard as a rock. Is it? C-H-H-U-R-P-I. It's the world's hardest cheese. You're gonna pick a cheese that's gonna kill like six people in the world. That would be a concern, I'd assume.

I don't know what the standard is for cheese racing. I'm just a big fan of watching people fall. Cheese rolling. Cheese rolling. I mean, they're racing. The cheese isn't racing, anyone. Oh. Do you know that for a fact? Yeah.

You want a good double Gloucester cheese. Gloucester, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. I'll write all these down. I'll get back to that person. I'll let you know how it goes. I don't think they expected me to know much about cheese racing. I'm saying that just to annoy Gavin.

You need to get into it. Oh, okay. I'll have to download a different app, probably. How long does it take you to load an app? I'm trying to do it in notes, but I can't do it I'm not you know what I'm not even mad at you cuz you've given me so much shit of world. Where's your pen? Where's your paper? Nobody has a pen you constantly are yelling it you six years to draw this Jeff did in a minute I did two of them. I did twice. I'm gonna get a piece of a piece of paper

Technology sucks was my second one any better. Oh, let me look. I didn't know you sent a second one Yeah, I sent it immediately because I'm not dumb like Evan no you're still way off but it's better you're making progress knows where the hair should be nose up not nose forward I don't know it up it's at the top of his brain no it's like a horn like a unicorn is the perspective hold on you said nose up huh nose up to up. More up than that. I feel like this is clear. Does Gavin ever come back? Is there a scenario

in which he just leaves and we never hear from him again? Okay, mine looks... It doesn't look like it did in my head. What does that mean? It looks a bit like an alien. Well, that's not gonna be right. I'll say that right now. Alright, I'm gonna text it. I just sent my third one. Does that mean it looks a bit like an alien well? That's not gonna be right Right now all right. I'm gonna touch it. I just sent my third one okay after that Jeff second looks like an alien

What is that nose was? Are you talking to Gavin or me? I'm talking to you I'm sitting by the third one you said that nose up so I put it up Do you have no idea what nose up means I put it higher up this is your best dude this isn't my fault this is shit Jeff this is terrible Gavin Gavin essentially has it on his first try Gavin get that's it essentially I mean there's a slightly different details the nose is very pointed I guess it was based on itself but well that's what I look like each row one-eyed man with a no that's a mouth That's clearly a mouth and his nose is up Jeff. Well. I've just looked at Jeff's cuz I didn't want to cheat

What is the first one Jeff? I? Do what he said he said he never said draw hair He never said draw face or a circle he shot draw knows where the hair would be and then draw mouth and then two ears That's what I drew. Exactly what he said. Oh, don't make me yell. It's from perspective and Jeff refused to change the angle on the nose the entire time. He just drew

like an L and on the last one Oh no. You went full alien for the last one. He like a Teletubby that snapped his coat longer. Oh shit. He said a Teletubby that snapped his coat hanger. Oh, shit. He said to put it higher. Jeff's second and third

look like something you'd find in like a tomb. Like a message from a different language. Alright, which one of Jeff's designs do we want to put on a shirt? I think the second is... The second is the worst, but the third is hilarious because his interpretation of what nose up meant.

I don't know which one I did. If those were serious suggestions, Jeff, I'm puzzled. I drew what he said! You clearly didn't! Clearly I did! Gavin's was perfect. That's art. Well art, it's all about interpretation, right? That's how I interpreted the art. Not when you're trying to copy something, no. It's not about interpretation.

Interpretation doesn't factor in at all when you're copying. That's baloney. It's not- it's factual, I don't- Alright, we'll send all these for the, uh, for the video version. They're beautiful. Oh, God. I've got tears in my eyes. I'm gonna upload mine. Look at how shit that is, Eric. I've got tears in my eyes. I'm going to upload mine. Look at how shit that is, Eric.

It's atrocious. The first two especially. These look like shit. Yeah. Okay, let me see what Eric thinks of mine. Eric, could you come on for a minute? I want an opinion not involved with this. I want to know if what I said made sense. Yeah, I think it made sense.

Okay, let's see. We'll see Gavin's and see if this is what you think. I'll put mine there now. If you think this is what it should look like. Yeah. Look at that. Yes. That makes total sense, right? Based on what I've said? What I'm looking at is a nose where the hair should be, a mouth in the middle, and then if you look on the sides,

standard ears. Standard ears. Man, it looks like an alien. I'm a fucking great teacher. I thought so. It's like an alien with a unicorn. Although, you should know, Eric, that Jeff's have all come in in reverse. Like, his first, his last one. I mean, it doesn't really matter. Why is

the nose above the head? I mean, it doesn't really matter. They all look bad. Because he said it needed to be higher. He's looking up. He said, make the nose higher. Yeah, Jeff's makes no sense. Yeah, Jeff's makes no sense. I drew what he said. And he said, no, no, what he said, and you can go back and listen to it when Gavin was gone,

after I did the second one, he said, no, no, what you've got is essentially correct, the nose just needs to be a little higher up. And I said, okay, and so I did that, and now I'm being ridiculed. Would you describe your drawing as on-clear, Jeff? Yeah. Are you familiar with on-clear, Andrew? I'm very familiar with on-clear.

Are you familiar with the clear, Andrew? I'm very familiar with on clear. Are you familiar with the real meaning? How familiar with on clear are you? I felt like I was very familiar with on clear, but now you're making me doubt how clear my perception of on clear was. My daughter Denise, sometimes known as Millie, she keeps me up to date on the lingo. She decided to trick me. apparently sometimes known as Millie. She keeps me up to date on the, on the lingo, you know,

and she decided to trick because I, she's really, really mad because one time I convinced her that they're not flip flops. There were flop flips and that she'd been saying it wrong her whole life. And she, kids made fun of her at school for it. And so she's had a, she's had a fucking chip on her shoulder for a long time about that.

So she was convincing me that nobody says on fleek anymore. They say on clear. On clear is the new thing. And so for about a good 10 days, I walked around the house saying on clear constantly to annoy her, only to discover she made that up. Nobody's ever said that. She just said it to trick me. But it worked.

And so now on clear is the hip new hip new cool thing all the kid named jeff are saying so this podcast is on clear it's poggers we also say i don't know what that means poggers oh that means like this podcast slaps i know what that means okay i get it got it yeah that was a slapping podcast it's on clear should we end it yeah i'm fucking i need to go lay down i almost passed out. Jeff should close it, because he's in the best headspace. Andrew, before we move on, do you plan on doing the burger thing this

week? Next week, I will do the burger. What, 25, right? I don't remember what I agreed to. I don't know, go and listen to the last week's podcast. 25 doubles. Okay, thank you, Eric. Next week, you're going to lose, Gavin. I don't think I will, but I do need a, I want to watch. Hey, Eric, I have a question for the podcast while we're on the podcast. Yeah, sure. Can we have an Instagram account so that we can post all this stuff up

on the Instagram account? Okay. So here's my question about that. Who's running it? I will. Okay. Or me, Andrew and Gavin will, we can all just share, share a login. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Jeff and Andrew. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I thought. Yeah, already dwindling. So Andrew's going to run it. Is someone peeing? Andrew's got it. I think that guy's peeing. I got to go. What?

I got to go. What did he do? Someone is peeing on his window. He's got to get his dick out. He's excited. Oh, he just heard piss boy activate. That was exciting. That was like the bat signal just got flashed.

He heard some trickling in an alley. He heard the faint whiff of ammonia and knew he was needed. Oh, I guess that's it. Well, you know. Oh, sorry. That's right. I'm sorry. I'm still.

Rate it on clear. Gavur, I am really loopy from this fucking. You got it. You got this. Root canal. Hey, thanks for listening to F*** Face, a podcast about hiring two women to crawl inside of your mouth with all of their bodies and heavy machinery and then do a fucking dance for two hours.

If you liked it, good for you. You were supposed to. Mission accomplished. That was the bare minimum you needed to do is just enjoy it we did all the hard work in being entertaining to you so why don't you take the enjoyment that you received and also an ounce of initiative and go and uh rate us uh five or six or whatever stars because we would appreciate it write a little review say uh i like i like Face podcast. I like the art.

I like Jeff's art. Not crazy about Gavin. It was false alarm. Andrew's a bit insufferable. There you have it. How was it, Andrew, by the way? False alarm. It wasn't happening?

Okay. It was a squirrel. What the fuck does that mean? I gotta go again.