F**kface - Burger Tablet//Emailing the Queen of Apes [7]

Episode Date: July 15, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about a Microsoft Surface contest, a stolen Battle Bus, a whole new genre of entertainment, and movie theater stories. Sponsored by Mack Weldon. For 20% off your first order, visit http://mackweldon.com/face and enter promo code face. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit dragonsdogma.com to buy the game and start your epic quest today. That's D-R-A-G-O-N-S-D-O-G-M-A.com to learn more. Hello and welcome to F*** Face Episode 7, a podcast about your penis and your mouth and the places you put them. My name is Jeff Ramsey and with me as always, Gavin Free and Andrew Panton. How's it going, guys? Hello. I'm good.

I'm just curious. Any big events happen in your guys' week the last week? If you had to describe things that had happened in the last week, what would be the notable things? Huh. I had... Well, yes. It's something I want to talk about today. I did something very, very cool yesterday that I want to show you guys.

And it's a big event for me because it was, I think it's brilliant and the realization of a really cool idea. But, or do you mean like, did I get married or have a kid or something? No, just like, how was your week? Like if you, if someone said what happened in your week, what would you say? Up and down. How you say uh up and down how about you up and down i meant more like a specific event type thing oh my god just tell us i i can tell you that my grill outside has never lit i've always had to shove like an actual lighter

down into the gas area and then it goes and it and it scares me but i found that there's like a nine volt battery hanging out that you can change and then i did that and now it sparks and lights itself oh your igniter was dead yeah and i'm so happy that i can light it now i'm not i've only grilled like twice but still it's very exciting the idea of you grilling anything fucking terrifies me it really does if it makes you feel better i'm mainly doing sort of you know impossible meat and fake sausages so i can't kill myself oh okay well that's good i have i actually have a andrew i know you're going somewhere with this but i actually have a grill related face uh that i had completely forgotten about until this moment i just when i when i got i I got, I used to be a big griller.

I used to be a big smoker and griller. It's like every dickhead with tattoos and a beard in Texas is. Like a big green egg thing. Yeah. And so I used to have a bunch of grilling related stuff. And I left it at the old house when we got divorced and moved out. And so when I got my new house, I wasn't ready to get back into grilling yet. And so I bought like a tiny little like hibachi that's on the ground.

And I've been using that for a year and it worked fine. But I just got kind of fucking sick of bending down on my knees or watching my dog bump into it and being scared she's gonna knock the fucking grill over. So I started doing research and I bought this thing called a PK grill. so I started doing research and I bought this thing called a PK grill and if you are a fan of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills it has nothing to do with PK

or PK and you guys won't get that reference at all but that's okay anybody that is a Real Housewives fan definitely will think that that was hilarious looks like a silver little mine's black it's graphite it's kind of cute and old think that that was hilarious. Looks like a silver little... That looks just like a... Mine's black. It's graphite. It's kind of cute and old and kind of 50-ish. Anyway,

so I wanted to buy one. And grills are actually a little hard to find right now because of quarantine and everybody's cooking at home. And so I found this one... I won't call them out locally, but I found this one local place that listed that they had them. And so I went and it said they had one in stock. And so I bought it on like Saturday night when I was thinking about it. I was like, I'm going to fucking rip off the bandaid and finally buy this thing. It's kind of expensive, but I've been grilling on my knees for a year. I deserve to at least stand up and grill. And I've always been interested in this thing. I've done a lot of research on it and the airflow system is supposed to be really cool. Yada, yada, yada. So last Saturday night,

I said, fuck it. I'm going to buy it because it's a, they have in-store delivery available and they'll even bring it out to your car, you know, cause of safety concerns because of coronavirus and stuff. And so I bought it and they sent me an email immediately and said, Hey, awesome. You can come pick it up tomorrow between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m., but don't come wait for us to send an email to tell you a designated time. So I went, no problem. So I waited until like two or three in the afternoon, and it still hadn't gotten the email, and I was planning on grilling that night. And so I call them, and I'm on the hold, and eventually I'm on hold forever, and they hang up on me. And I'm like, you know what? It's just down the road.

Fuck it. So we get in the car. We drive over there. I walk in and I go, yeah, I bought a grill online. I'm supposed to pick it up today. And they're like, I don't know what you're talking about. And I go, I bought a grill. Here's the receipt. I show it to them and they're like, oh yeah, yeah. That's a great grill.

We don't have that. And I go, your website tells me you do. You have, it tells me you have a grill. And, and they go, now, now we don't. If you bought it, that it'll go into our system and we'll order it. And I go, oh, all right. Well, I feel a bit duped, but whatever. I've already paid for it.

I just want to get the fucking grill. When can I get it? And he goes, well, the truck comes in on Thursday. This is Sunday, by the way. He goes, the truck will be in on Thursday, and it's a big truck, so it'll take us a couple days to unload it. And, uh, you can probably pick it up Saturday. And, uh,

you know, exactly seven days after I ordered it. And I was a little miffed about that, but I was like, oh, fucking Christ. Okay. And have I told you guys this story? No. No. Okay. I can't remember. I i told somebody recently but i can't remember who it was i'll be honest you're pretty deep into the story so yeah imagine if we just would have sat here and listen to you retell a story for five minutes i had the question i had the question earlier in my head but i didn't give myself a break speaking like my mouth was already off to the races and

i had to catch up to it so my brain and my mouth work independently of each other often uh so anyway so i'm like i'm kind of pissed because it's like i fucking ordered this grill because i said it was in stock and it's going to take seven days to get here but whatever i wake up monday morning and the first fucking thing i do is i check my email and i get an email from these people saying hey uh we got your grill in stock come pick it up and i like, I just talked to the dude less than 24 hours ago. So I go in there and they go, oh, you're that guy that had the grill, huh? And I go, yeah, I'm the fucking guy who was here yesterday. And they go, yeah, we got your grill. It's the floor model though, but don't worry about it. We put it together for you.

So it's all done. And I look at the instructions and I go, oh yeah, no, no, I don't want to put this together. This looks like a nightmare. Okay. And so he helps me load the floor model in and I'm, I, and I get home. And as I'm setting it up in my backyard, I realized it's covered in scuffs. Like it's at least a year old. It's got like an inch of dust all over everything. And it's missing about a third of the components. So I got most of the fucking grill. I paid for all of a grill. I didn't want to go back and deal with those people again, so I just bought everything on the website that I was missing. I was like, fuck it. It's worth it to never go to that place again and

talk to those people again. And so I ended up getting most of a grill, and it mostly works, but I'm still waiting on the little things like the temperature gauge. You know, that's my grill story. Sorry. Anyway, Andrew, you were saying something about an event. Wait, you don't have a temperature gauge no not currently but at least you don't have to bend down anymore right that's a great yeah I mean I go by feel anyway so it was fine I put some stakes floor model at first I thought

for a split second maybe it's like a version without a stand yeah that's what I was thinking too I was imagining it literally being on the floor yeah then i understood the scuffs wait is the temperature is that the thing in the front that tells you how hot the barbecue is yeah i'm sorry yeah that's kind of important how do you not it's important did you just ask if the temperature gauge tells you how hot well i don't know like i i don't know what that part is called i'm assuming that's what the temperature gauge is but i'm not gonna you know i think it's called a thermometer. Yeah. Okay. Well, that works too. I don't know. I thought we were using official barbecue lingo here. I was all in

on the temperature gauge. Coming in with a simple thermometer comment. Gavin, we were talking barbecue. We're talking meat heat. It's a serious meat. My story, I kind of have a thing to talk about too. Revolving grills. Could be grill. Okay. I'm just going to these are the events of

my week and it doesn't feel like i've had a really weird week it's just been a week i broke a toe what i broke a toe by accident i'm fine i broke it on a fire extinguisher oh you know me too well um no i opened the door angry i should have had a nap i should have had a nap. I should have had a nap before I... Oh, you were on the way to your hate nap. I was on the way to my hate nap. Yeah, doors are dangerous. I was just, yeah, I was frustrated, and I opened the door as violently as I could, and I didn't know my foot was in the path,

and my toe bent back. And when you're in pain, you kind of tense up. So I was just holding the door so it wouldn't give any relief, and then I kind of moved forward, and I'm pretty sure sure i broke my toe so that was this part of my week you you seem like such a gentle soul i can't imagine you really pissed off i really can't even picture that i it's just one of those things where you think you've solved the problem but it keeps adding jeff is very familiar with this concept it just't get fixed, and you just keep going back to it.

And I just had enough, and I got injured on my way to my hate nap. The second thing, Gavin knows about this, Jeff doesn't. I won a Microsoft Surface because I wanted a free burger. And also because of The Last of Us 2. Yeah, you phrased it as you got all worked up over The Last of Us 2. So you won a free Microsoft Surface. Yeah. But real quick, before that, why did you let me talk for 20 minutes about a mediocre grill story when you were hanging onto a broken toe?

You should have told me to shut the fuck up. I didn't know. We didn't know it was a mediocre grill story until you got to the end. I was hoping there'd be a big twist. I was waiting. You could still improve on it, Jeff. You could still walk out, go out there, slam the tip of your dick in your new grill.

Dude, it would rip my dick off. Dude, I would have no dick. Oh, God. That'd be painful. It would rip my dick right off. It's like cast iron. It's like a weird strongman competition. You're going to start slamming your dick on items.

Well, I'm like Mr. Liftoff from the Gym of the Side Circus. Congratulations on your surface? Yeah, so I was playing The Last of Us 2, and that's a stressful game. I don't know if you've ever played those. It's intense. I stopped for a little bit because I got a bit sad with the story, so I just took a little break. Yeah, I was maybe like 30 minutes in. I was really early, and I was stressed, and I stressed and I was like fuck this game

I need to disconnect so I went to my spam folder just to see what was there because I figured that'd be boring It's like it's like a digital hate nap. Yeah, exactly I went to my spam folder and I had an email from Microsoft Rewards saying hey you have points I was like oh cool. I points let me look at that. I only had like 50 points This month and I clicked I had like 5,000. And I know they give gift cards out on Microsoft Rewards. And I was like, man, it'd be cool. Can I get a free burger?

That'd be awesome. I'd love a free burger right now. So I looked, I needed twice as many points as I needed to get the free burger, to get a gift card. So they have this dumb pinata game where you can click it and you can randomly get points. I've done it before and I almost never win. I did that like three times and I won a surface.

So I was trying to get a burger and I ended up with a Microsoft surface. So it was a pretty good night. How'd it taste? You know, I'll let you know in a week. You should exclusively order burgers on that service. The burger tablet? I like it. How does that work then? Do you have to sign up for Microsoftrosoft rewards i don't think i've ever even heard of that so i have so many of those

points you don't you don't uh you don't use microsoft rewards gavin i don't think so do i have that automatically or do i have to start i don't know it seems crazy to me that you wouldn't have you've been on xbox live for over a decade the fact that you've never registered let me try it let me see if i can log in and see if I actually have it. I'll tell you something crazy, Andrew. So we used my credit card at Rooster Teeth for about five years for all video game purchases.

And so I get rewards for all of that. And I've never used my Microsoft rewards. I forgot they existed until just now. But I get an email every month that's like, you got 8,000 points this month. You got 6,000 points this month. I must like you got eight thousand points this month. You got six thousand points month I must have a hundred thousand fucking points. I would love to know how many yeah I don't know if they expire not that's a great you should look at least shit

24200 lifetime points 14200 available points, so I guess I let some expire I didn't even know I had this you can get a burger for that or a Tesla or something I want to sit here and play the pinata game. 100 points, redeem reward. Oh. Ooh. If you win a surface, what an inflating moment that is for me. Everyone's winning surfaces left and right.

The least significant prize. I would love it if you spend 14,000 points and don't win a surface. Do I? Okay, one entry. Play now. You have to click. You can click it. If you want to have fun, you click it, and it'll break within three clicks, or you can

just say, tell me if I won. It'll open or not open. I want to click it. I want to do it. Yeah, you got to have fun. You got to enjoy the experience. Play now. Confirm your...

Oh, this is a whole thing, isn't it? Yeah, carry on. This is going to take me some time. So, yeah. So, I won a surface. That was pretty cool. And then the third thing that happened this week is... This is kind of a hard thing to explain

i have a friend who i sent a 19 foot inflatable battle bus to and they had their garage broken into what is a battle bus battle bus is a thing in fortnite uh you hop out of it at the start of the match you fly over uh i don't feel like i need to explain further everyone knows what fortnite is i like that we explained PUBG just a mere moments ago but now Fortnite you just say Fortnite well Fortnite's a bigger game I feel like yeah and more culturally relevant yeah I'd agree with that

womp womp we're sorry you didn't win this time big loser over there winner over here so anyway I mailed it to this person we We're talking one night about Spencer's Gifts, and like, does Spencer's Gifts still exist? And if they do,

what are they doing? I don't see how Spencer's Gifts, obviously before pandemic, would survive. Like, who's buying stuff from Spencer's Gifts now? And so we went on their website, and they do... Do you remember how, like, in the back of Spencer's Gifts they'd have all, like, the kind of weird sex stuff like it'd be like dumb merchandise in the front like lava

lamps and whatnot and then there'd be kind of weird like sex what is spencer's gift is that is that like a like geeky junk sort of shop it's like where merchandise goes to die uh in the life cycle like say like a you get like a family guy t-shirt at, let's say it's at Dillard's, and then a year later that shirt is at Target, and then six months later that shirt is at Walmart, and then it's at Spencer Gifts. It's like the bottom, it's like one step. It's like right outside is the dumpster

where licensed merchandise goes to die, and it filters through Spencer on the way to the dumpster. It's a store that when you're eight, you think has edgy merchandise. And then like they'll sell a bar of soap with a hole in it. And it's like, put your dick in it. Edgy. Yeah. And so they had a gaming section.

Also, a lot of sex toys on their front page at that time. They're just all in on that. Anyway, they had a gaming section. I looked, they had a Fortnite section. They're just all in on that. Anyway, they had a gaming section. I looked. They had a Fortnite section.

And the most expensive thing they had was a 19-foot... No, 19-foot long, 18-foot high battle bus that you could inflate. Which is the dumbest thing. Nobody needs this. And so we were talking... What would that be for? Like a kid's birthday in a field? What would that be used for? I don't know what the practical use for...

It's the size of an actual bus. It's huge. It's a massive... Yeah yeah it's like a bus sized inflatable battle bus bus and so we're talking and it's like well we need to have this but what do you do with battle bus so I said I will buy this I will send it to you if your roommate will live a full week with it inflated in his room that is much smaller than the dimensions of battle bus I will get that person something nice i don't know what it is we could figure it out later i don't know what they want i will get

them something and they agreed to it so i mailed it and they lasted one day with the battle bus fully inflated i have videos and stuff i could post that was it one day they lasted well i guess what happened was the the position the battle bus was in was over like one of the vents and it was sucking in all the cold air and spitting it out hot as the inflatable with the fan so it's apparently extremely hot in there and he was done after a day so he never got anything but this uh this person was recently their garage was broken into and they have uh they have all sorts of vans collectible shoes you know that'll hurt you jeff and they had all this like corning equipment and all this stuff

and the entire time he's talking about losing all these important expensive items i'm just thinking where's the battle bus is the battle bus okay did they steal the battle bus and i asked they did not steal the battle bus but they took it out of the cardboard and rolled it out to try to figure out what it was. And that's just the funniest fucking thing to me. Imagining that you're in the middle of robbing someone and you're like, what is this heavy box? And then opening it to find a 19 foot battle bus and then rolling it out and then having to have a conversation about, do we steal this? Is this worth something? What is this?

How much was it worth this thing oh it was like 500 bucks 450 oh my god damn dude yeah we as a group like came together to buy this this battle bus but i just love the idea these people are breaking into stealing like oh shit these are great these are expensive rare shoes all this recording what is oh a battle bus just any conversation those people had to have regarding if it was stealable i imagine be very heavy too and just yeah that was my week i imagine the thieves unrolling it and looking at it and going you know what i don't feel bad about robbing these fuckers because they had a 19 foot battle bus these guys are fucking losers fuck fortnight

we're gonna steal you we're gonna create more roof we're doing a second trip because they had a 19-foot battle bus. These guys are fucking losers. Fuck Fortnite. We're going to steal your money. We're going to create more roof. We're doing a second trip. Oh, God. I'm going to floss my way out of here. This episode is brought to you by Mack Weldon. If that's not the coolest name, Weldon.

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That's face. F-A-C-E. Not the other word. Do not enter that word. That's 20% off your first order by visiting MackWeldon.com slash what? Face. That's right. F-A-C-E. That's the promo code. Not the other one. Face. I did something the other day. I talked about it in the last podcast that I'm really excited about that I think is a whole new genre of entertainment.

And I sent it to you guys on Discord. I want you to look at an image and see. Do you see what it is? That's beautiful. Oh my god you how did you so you had to like did you have to stop and like pre-plan the next letter yeah so what what i i'll put this up online somewhere i thought about just posting it on instagram today and just saying explanation to come uh but what i've been doing uh i mentioned it probably in a couple other podcasts, but I ride my bike every day. I try to ride for about 30 miles. And I got it into my head because there's all

these apps like Under Armour makes an app and I have this one called Pacer where you can record your bike rides or your walks or your drives or whatever. And so I've been recording all of my bike rides and I thought it would be cool someday to layer all those on top of each other and then maybe someday try to, I try to ride my bike on every street in Austin within the city limits. Like I'd like to like fill the map out, like think of it like a video game,

like just complete that quest and ride my bike down every single street in Austin that it's legal to ride a bike on, obviously not the interstate or Mopac or, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah. But no highways, but just every surface street. And so I've been kind of doing that, not intentionally,

but I just, I record my bike rides every day. And at some point I'm going to figure out the technology of how to put it all together and see what I have left to do so that I can, you know, turn my bike rides into a video game challenge. uh, I can, you know, turn my bike rides into a video game challenge, but it struck me. You could write shit. Yeah. So looking at this, you've had to, I assume, start with the F. I started with the F at Speedway. I started at 38

street and Speedway. So I assumed you would go to the top right of the effort and backtrack down to make the middle. 100%. So I drove from, on my bike, I drove up 38th Street to Guadalupe. And then I drove, took a right on Guadalupe and drove to 42nd Street and then back. And then backtrack and then down, I think, to Avenue C. And then in a bit and then down. And anyway, in the course of that, I spelled the word fart in a bike ride just to see if I could. My girlfriend and I did it. And basically what we did was we got to the neighborhood and I took a screenshot of the map.

And then we just drew on our iPhones the best letters we could, F-A-R-T, and tried to make them connect. And the goal being to never turn off or pause the recording. So I had to do it in one smooth motion. I had to backtrack and stuff. But yeah, I think it took about 30 minutes to do. And it got to the point where I got pretty good at it. I was writing with my phone in one hand, watching me draw on the map as I rode. And then we would stop and then

it was it was quite a painstaking process but yeah it took us about 20-30 minutes and I was able to spell the word fart in my bike ride uh and I'm very proud of that I think that's brilliant and I'm hoping this ushers in a whole new era of people doing uh like bicycle map art like you could do like a a butthole or a giant penis. You could write face. You could write face. Yeah. And so the possibilities are endless.

I'll be honest though, you've switched between capital letters and lowercase there. I did what I had. I did what I could. And I'll be honest with you, Emily and I disagreed about some of the letters. Like she, I was not,

I wasn't crazy about the way we did the F and the A but I will admit I will concede that we did her route and that worked out better but I still think the R to the T could have been better you are such a stickler for lettering do you remember the arguments that we used to have trying to write stuff

in Minecraft like the obsidian and how we could never agree on where the where the end should, and how we could never agree on where the end should be formed, because we only had several pixels. My font treatment for it has been terrible. Anyway, yeah, and so I challenge, I give, and obviously

every idea I've ever had 3,000 people had before me. It's been the story of my life. Like, fucking Flora's Lava, the netflix show which i pitched to netflix and they already had it in development god damn it you pitched it to netflix yeah i remember when we did do you remember when we did lava chicken uh like two years ago or whatever we pitched that to netflix as a show called flora's lava and they're like yeah it's

already in development fuck i bet it wasn't they were just like yeah it takes two years to make a floor's lava show it seems hard to add these things take time so I like this I like this challenge Jeff because uh it's you know it's good exercise and honestly the further you go like the longer the distance the more resolution you have to play with like you could do some fancy lettering yeah what you really need is an app where other people can write over your shit. Like a physical version of Splatoon. Yes, absolutely. We need some sort of an app.

People that make apps need to create some sort of a cool app that encourages bicycle map art and also some sort of competitive thing like Splatoon or Tony Hawk Pro Skater where you can ride over each other's territory and shit. The whole untapped market

I assume without ever having looked to see if this exists already and it probably does and is hugely popular much like when we made Red vs. Blue and we thought we invented Machinima and we found out that it existed for like 15 years and we were fucking stupid I assume that I'm fucking stupid here

But I had the idea to spell the word fart with my bicycle on a map and I couldn't be happier with the results Was there much debate over what word to spell no notice it no debate? No, well yeah Emily likes caca she wanted to do caca But I like fart. I like fart. And I'll probably do poo and ass as a Simpsons reference for Gus. And I'll do f*** face.

And I would like to draw a big veiny dick. But I'm not sure how to do veins and stuff yet. But I'll get there. But I hope the audience does too. I like the idea because you're trying to do this in one smooth motion, that there's some sort of emergency halfway through one of your words and you're like, nah, I can't stop, I gotta keep going, I gotta smooth out this letter.

Yeah, a little bit, yeah. For sure. There is a little bit of that where you're like, I'm riding in the middle of the road because I want to make a straight line and there's a car behind me honking and I'm like, fuck you dude, go around. If I go to the right, I'm gonna have a squiggle in my T. I'm not doing a squiggly T.

But it's essentially cursive, right? Like it's block letters, but it's essentially cursive in that I couldn't break the line at any point. Now you'd have to go to a different area? Like do you, even though, I mean, I'm sure you do another run, fart isn't permanent here, but what do you feel like you're going over

your own like design oh like do I need to find like have I filled that chalkboard yeah like even though that's not permanent do you feel like you could go over this again or is this route now done you can't touch it no I could go over it again I think okay that's the that's the fart route but we'll make more it makes me

wonder how many times have I accidentally written something without ever realizing? Uh-huh, 100%. Yeah. I bet I've walked a good poo without knowing. Yeah, it's like when you do the word scramble and you're supposed to circle, find the words and circle it,

and then you see a word that's not on the list and you're like, tree. They snuck an extra tree in here. It's essentially that. If we could somehow get live tracking, this would be the greatest game ever. like tree there's a fucking they snuck an extra tree in here it's it's essentially that if we could somehow get live tracking this would be the greatest game ever just trying to guess what the word is as you're fucking spelling it with your or do like or like or you could even do uh i'm giving out million dollar ideas here but you could you remember like twitch plays pokemon

you could be like twitch spells shit and then twitch like votes and tells you where to ride and you just have to do like Twitch spells shit, and then Twitch votes and tells you where to write, and you just have to do it. Twitch spells shit. That's a great idea. I know that it's not yours and other people have done it. It's a great idea, though. Yeah, it's like you modernized writing something dumb on an Etch-A-Sketch. It's a lot more work.

I respect it. Well, it was a lot of work because it was about 100 degrees when i did it i'm so surprised an etch-a-sketch was so successful it's impossible to do anything on those but the people that can though they're fucking wizards oh it's amazing amazing yeah yeah my ex-wife was quite the etch-a-sketch artist for sure yeah i saw some of those yeah you think you're just naturally good at that or is that a practice i mean obviously you practice whatever but I was garbage from a starting point. I think it's both. I think I could practice every day for the rest of my life and not be as good as somebody

who could just pick it up and is naturally talented at art. Do you guys have a go-to thing that you could draw? Like, I can't draw anything, really, but... No. If you had to draw something, do you draw a house or anything simple? No. I can draw a face that's looking up and smiling really well you can draw a yeah not like a realistic face like a cartoon face there is a guy could you do one now uh no i don't have paper i don't have a pencil i couldn't here's a question do you have a bicycle can you can you bike it yeah let's bike this well i

don't you know what huh how would that work i'd have to i don't know you know you know like when you're learning to drive a car and how like parallel parking is more like mechanic like you measure up using like mirrors and stuff like it's not you're going by eye like it's a system you use that's why i can draw that there's an art teacher that came in in grade four and taught the whole class how to do that. So I know how to, like, make the lines. That's the only thing I can draw, though, because I have no natural drawing ability. I just really want to see it somehow. I think you should walk it out or bike ride it out.

But, I mean, depending on the complexity, you might have to, like, cut through people's houses and shit. Yeah, that might be tough. I'm okay with that. I'm committed, though. I'll figure that out. I can't even imagine what that looks like. A face looking up. I'm trying to imagine what angle that's from. Can you please

tweet us, draw this and tweet it to us. You know what, actually, I don't think the angle even really makes sense because like you see the face. Can you scroll it on like a note? Do you have a phone that you just like do a little doodle? I literally have nothing I can write with right now. got I don't have a thing I got a fire hydrant and that's it that's the only thing I got on my wall that seems like

overkill but I'm have you ever seen a fire hydrant go off you can't aim this it's like a bomb it's like a grenade they just explode everywhere it's a mess the hydrant in the street or the Extinguisher oh did I say hydrant I meant extinct. Yeah, that's why I was have you seen how big a hydrant is like How deep underground they go that giant the massive yeah, they're like the hydrant bit sticking out the top It's just the top of them. It's crazy. It makes sense. Yeah, it makes total sense. It's like an iceberg Yeah, I'm gonna post one for you. It's like a well you got a well length i have to vamp uh andrew uh what's new in your world oh i have an update i have something i want to talk about this is gonna make no sense because

this is gonna come out two weeks after we're recording two back-to-backs so it conversationally makes sense now but when this airs is gonna be sold so rang its hand orangutan Big revelation for me. I was really upset when we finished recording I refused to believe that I was completely in the wrong so I looked into it I found multiple sources that said orangutan was appropriate some multiple spellings of a race Probably just like one of those incorrect spellings and uses that is so commonly misused that it becomes 10 steps it becomes like colloquially yeah yeah 10 steps ahead you want to try again i'll be quiet cloak cloak who who is good at the end of i can't say i can't say it right now why can't i say the word you want to give it another shot

I kind of want to colloquial colloquial colloquial colloquial god damn it keep going get it it's frustrating you say it colloquialism yeah but colloquially colloquially there you go thank you ugh

add that to like collective dole or whatever? What was the mispronunciation you had? Collect a dole? What was that? Anyone remember? I don't know. Oh, a fishable. A fishable.

I was not even in the right sport. I was in a different state with what I thought that was. I was off. Anyway, I hear what you're saying and I agree. Who knows, maybe common mistake. Maybe it's such a mistake. It's so common. I think it's insane neither of you would hurt it.

But I could accept maybe it's a common mistake so they kind of allow it. So I thought, who should I, like, I need to clear this up. I can't have this be a mystery in my life. So I reached out to the Queen of the Apes. I sent Jane Goodall an email. What? Looked up her institute. Are you fucking serious?

Yeah. I mean, who else am I going to ask? I reached out to the Jane Goodall Institute. See what they're doing. See if they would mind. So I sent them an email explaining the dilemma. Orangutan, orangutan, is orangutan okay? Queen of the Apes, whatever their ruling is, I'll live with.

I'll accept it. I got an email back like a day later. I'll read the results. At the Jane Goodall Institute, we're less familiar with orangutans. Our programs are centered around chimpanzees and in some cases mandrills.

However, we believe it's pronounced orang-u-tan. It's derived from the Malai words orang, meaning man, and Utan, meaning forest. So that was it. Forest man? Man of the forest?

Forest man. I guess, yeah, that's the translation. So I have to accept. What's Tang translate to? It's a beverage, I believe, Gavin. If you're gonna be fucking sarcastic, I could play this game. Man of the beverage.

Man of the beverage. Hey, that's what Jeff used to be. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I can play this game. Man of the beverage. Man of the beverage. Hey, that's what Jeff used to be. Yeah, yeah, that's true. You fucking emailed gorillas in the mist. Jane Goodall. God damn. You're a ballsy kid, man.

Yeah. Is that ballsy? I was very polite. It was either her or Dr. Zaius. Man, that's fucking awesome. I wanted a male and female representative, so I tried to reach out to Andy Serkis, but I couldn't find a way. I wanted his opinion, too. I figured he would be king of the apes. Were you at the RTX that he came to? You could have asked him then. I was, but I didn't know I was lost at that time. I felt very strongly in my orangutan beliefs at that year.

So that was the update on orangutan, which is going to make no sense, because this is going to come out two weeks after that conversation. I want to give you an update on the pinata game. I've probably whacked it about 50 times, and all I've won is just more attempts at whacking. Yeah. So no surface just yet. As if anybody didn't need more attempts at whacking in their personal life.

Did we vamp enough? What do you mean? Well, you told us to vamp because you were doing something. I was finding a picture of a full-size fire hydrant. Did you do it? Yeah, I posted it. It was like one minute later. Oh, I'm looking.

I'm looking. I'm looking. It's right there. Yeah, I looking it's right there yeah I see it's right there Eric it is you know what it looks like you know how like when a dog you know how like when a dog is laying down and his dick pops out a little bit and it looks like a little tip of lipstick that's what this this looks like a dog's dick yeah what it looks like a protracted dog stick By I did this yeah, the city's really interesting. I'd be horrified to hear you in like a Rorschach test Well these watch those a dog dick. That's what those thoughts look like

Right Like different animal dicks no, I don't like I don't I thought it would be a lot deeper Gavin based on what you said Okay, that's pretty big. It's like a quarter of the entire thing. It is big. I'll acknowledge that. I just thought it would be longer in my head. Usually, when you look at something like a bank or a shop, you're looking at most of it.

What? Sorry, what? What? What? What the fuck? What does that mean? What do you- what? What the fuck?! Like a McDonald's, if you look at a McDonald's, you're looking at like 90% of the McDonald's. I disagree, I've been to a McDonald's that has a basement, you're not seeing half of it. That's a terrible example. You're forgetting the basements. You don't see those, second levels will give you.

You don't the basements. You don't see those. Second levels I'll give you. You don't see basements. I'm not even making a joke about that. I've been in a McDonald's basement. They exist. I know. I've seen them. Yeah, that's a good point.

Isn't the basement of the McDonald's where Democrats steal the adrenal glands of children? Or is that pizza restaurants? That was Pizza Hut, wasn't it? I think that's Burger King. Yeah. Domino's. Oh, no, you're meeting an actual thing. Well, there's a bunch of sponsors we'll never get.

Did we have any more sponsors since the other episode? Yeah, I don't think we have to worry about that. Yeah, I don't think it's going to be an issue. Also, making this podcast won't be an issue much longer if we don't get any sponsors. God damn it. Why? Because it needs to be profitable?

At some point, it'll have to make money, I assume. I mean, it's a pretty small crew. There's, what, like five of us working on this right now? Yeah. Eric's there. We've got Nick. Well, I would say there's four of us working on it, and Eric is there.

Well, he was reminding you to look at the Hydrant picture. Next to the Hydrant picture. That was very useful. I had to get to the Hydrant picture to see the note. I gotta look again and make sure he's not... He's gonna bitch about us on Twitter again. Yeah, he is. He's angry.

Did we cover our f***ing faces from the last episode that we didn't get to? I think that... What was the one that we said we'd talk about next time? Was it the McDonald's? Should we just continue that? I mean, that's kind of... We're near the end here. Do you want to just keep...

Oh, shit. We have to push it. Are we going to just do a bit where we keep pushing it? And I still haven't won a surface. Damn it. Womp womp again. I have, you know, something I can talk about. And this is, once again,

it's a great idea to reference conversations that happened two episodes ago. but before we were the last episode we recorded gavin you brought up what's the thing you forgot of the most i didn't have a really good answer for that yeah and then i was talking to someone and it was probably i'd say mine is actually stories there are things that people tell me about that i completely forgot happened until they did and i had a good one to you yeah you yourself yeah things that i have experienced and told them about like one of them was uh our family went to the movies like our whole family like grandparents cousins a lot of people and we thought we're gonna sneak we're not gonna popcorn cost so much you go to the movies because that's where they make their money we're like we're going to sneak, we're not going to, popcorn costs so much when you go to the movies because that's where they make their money.

We're like, we're going to be fucking smart about this. We're going to make the popcorn ahead of time, put it in sandwich bags, sneak it in, distribute it in the theater,

work around. It's a genius crime. Yeah, I mean, that's, I mean, across like 10 people, that's probably like 80 bucks worth. Yeah.

That's a lot of, yeah, it's expensive. It's a lot of popcorn. Popcorn for 10 people at a movie theater in 2020 would be a thousand dollars it's very expensive it's very expensive so we had this whole plan and i volunteered to be the popcorn mule i was confident in my abilities so we got this old jacket that was too small and I put eight or nine Ziploc bags of popcorn in this jacket and we zip me up. Now it's all good. I was more protected than if I was wearing Kevlar. It was so thick.

I had so much popcorn and it was so compressed against me. And so we get to the theater. We're all there and I'm like getting nervous about it. So I'm acting like they're my offensive line. I'm like trying to hide behind them and we go through the ticket person. And we make it through the ticket person, and then we get into the theater, and the fucking zipper broke. I couldn't get the jacket off. I tried everything I could, and it was so tight, I couldn't get it off, and I couldn't get my hands into it.

So nobody got popcorn, and I watched the entire movie and if the jacket filled with I'd like nine bags like sandwich size ziplock bags in this fucking jacket just miserable watching this movie one of the worst theaters that's not true but it was a bad for us I just imagined like them having to cut you out of the jacket when you got over it. Just popcorn explodes out. I think we did have to cut open the jacket. It's all like sweaty popcorn. It was terrible.

Did you guys eat the popcorn? No. No, the popcorn is over. It's gone at that point. What was the movie? I have no memory of the movie. I forgot this even happened to me. I was talking to someone.

They said that it's one of my favorite stories you've ever told me. I was like, oh yeah, that, yeah, forgot about that. I'm surprised you don't forever remember that movie as like the popcorn one. Like whenever you watch it again now, you're like, man, I remember watching this with popcorn strapped all around me and I couldn't get out. I've had so many bad theater experiences that it just, I think it got erased. I've had so many bad theater experiences that it just, I think it got erased. Like, I remember Star Trek, what was the second new Star Trek? Like, Into Darkness or something?

Into the Darkness or some shit. Yeah, I remember just being so hungry because Ray ate my pizza. That's all I think about when I watch that movie now. Like, I can remember the point in the movie where I'm like, pretty sure Ray's eating my pizza. And I remember the point where I finally got the pizza towards the end and I actually there's such vivid feelings whenever I watch that movie I don't remember I think one of like the most obnoxious things that have ever happened to me in a movie theater is halfway through this movie there it was a kid's movie so it's like whatever you accept you accept that there's gonna be noise and chaos the little girl in front of me got up stood on her chair and pulled out a thing a paddle ball and started playing paddle ball in the middle of the movie it's the most distracting thing

i've ever experienced in watching something so i'm playing fucking paddle ball can i tell you uh the worst thing i've ever done in a movie uh i oh i feel like maybe that's not accurate I'd have to think about that for a while but the worst thing I've ever done that comes to mind and it's actually it kind of hurts my heart to admit it but I took Millie to see Madagascar I don't know two or three whichever one that was no it it wasn't that I'm sorry it was Bolt do you remember that movie Bolt yeah with the fucking dog pigeons and yeah I played it recently terrible film it was Bolt. Do you remember that movie Bolt? Yeah. With the fucking dog and pigeons and shit? Yeah, I played it recently. Terrible film. It was a terrible movie. And it was so bad.

It was so bad that about an hour into the movie, Millie had to go to the bathroom. It was just us, the two of us. Daddy-daughter day. And I took her to the bathroom and when she came out, she must have been six or seven whenever that movie came out. Maybe less, maybe five. She came out of the theater and I said, okay, let's go she goes what do you mean and i go uh oh the movie's over and

she goes is it and i go yeah it ended and she goes i don't what happened and i go i had the dog everybody was happy and she was like just like confused she was like okay and then i took her home and i didn't watch i she didn't get to watch the second half of the movie because i was so miserable watching it and I still I will go to my grave feeling like a monster for doing that

that and the time that we went to we're going to a convention in Orlando and Millie was like six she was six years old we're going to a convention

in Orlando and I was trying to hide the fact that Disney World was in Orlando because I knew she'd want to go and we were like flying in late on a Friday night and leaving first thing Sunday morning.

I was going to do a convention appearance. She'd look out of the plane and see it. Yeah. Well, listen, there was no time to go to Disney World. And so I just didn't want her to know because I didn't want to take that away from her. You know? And so I did a good job of running interference about it.

And then before we were going to uh it was back when we traveled a lot we went to fucking sydney australia the week before we went to orlando and we check into the hotel after like a hellacious two hour you know like day and a half flight to get there and the whole thing you know gavin you've been to australia a bunch of times it's a fucking nightmare. And you get there, it's like eight in the morning and you're exhausted and it's 90 degrees outside

and it's fucking hot and sunny and you're just all discombobulated. We check into the hotel. Millie goes, can I watch TV? And I go, yeah, dude, fucking go for it. Turn on the TV.

I'm gonna take a nap. She turns on the TV and there's a commercial for Disney World in Australia. Like, good day, mate. Go on down to fucking Orlando. Didgeridoo Mickey, you know? And she goes,

I watched her face go, Orlando? Dad? Dad? And I go, yeah. And she goes, is Disney World in Orlando? And I go, yeah. Yeah, it is. And she goes, uh, are we going to Orlando real soon and I go yeah we're

going next week and she goes oh my god we're gonna go to Disney World she's like she's excited and I'm like dude I don't know that we're gonna have time I'm trying to set her and she's like off to the races running around the room excited like going like Disney World I'm gonna see Mickey Mouse blah blah and so when we got to Orlando a week later we uh got off the bus or got off the plane, and then you take a tram to like the other side of the airport to go to baggage, and there's a Disneyland, there's like a Disney World store in the airport, and she goes,

we walk by and she goes, oh my god, is that Disney World? And I went, yes it is. Yes it is Disney World. And she goes, can we go? And I said, yes you can. And she walked into the store, and she goes can we go and I said yes you can and she walked into the store and she looked at a bunch of stuffed animals and I let her buy one thing

and then I never told her that it wasn't Disney World and until she was until my mom took her when she was like nine she thought Disney World was a store in the Orlando airport did she ever find out that she's never seen all of bolt uh yeah yeah she knows now she's almost 15 she she knows that she she's well versed in all the lame shit i did yeah i like the idea of

her not knowing even on the trip and them walking by the airport millie being like where are we going we're missing it why Why are we leaving? I feel even telling the story now, like eight years later, my heart hurts. I can't imagine walking in being like, man, I didn't know Disney World sold travel plugs.

She was like, even at six, she was like, I thought it would have been different. And I was like I thought it would have been different and I was like yeah no this is it this is Disney World do you see it on the sign it's out front Disney World store yeah and she's like huh and I know in her head

she's like I can barely read I guess I'll just listen I guess I trust her did you feel like you were getting away with a crime in the moment it was a crime of necessity because I just didn't want to break her heart and tell her we went all the way to the land of mickey mouse and she couldn't go but there just wasn't time and then she's been to she's been to disney world twice since then with my mom so it's it all

evens out but man do i still feel like a monster for that well to be fair if you get to go to real disney world after an airport shop i bet that's a way, it's like a huge boost. Oh yeah. Yeah, I remember she came home after going to the real Disney World and she just had a look in her face like, you motherfucker. It's like, yeah, no, I know. I was like, don't worry, we'll get you therapy.

I feel like you get points for not lying when she asked is it in Orlando and you told her. You told her the truth at that point. I didn't have a choice. It was on fucking... No, you say it's Orlando, Kansas. You just say it's the same name. It's in a different place.

Man, I had jet lag. I was not in my mental... I wasn't thinking that fast on my feet at that moment. Oh, well, I think that was a nice episode. I've been thumping this piñata for the entire thing and uh i've i've not won a surface yet i think you got really lucky andrew i think i did yeah well wait is your motivation to get a burger because that might be oh no i

was trying to get the surface let me try let me think yeah i think you gotta your heart needs to be in the right place yeah so when does yours when does yours arrive uh i think next week are you excited those things are no joke these days. They're really good. Are they? I don't really know anything about them. So I know Bill Belichick throws them because he doesn't like them. That's all I know about Microsoft Surface. I'm excited to use them. I think the first thing you should do is install the Grubhub or DoorDash app and order a burger.

It's a great app. Yeah, I bet you could set up some sort of macro where you just press one button and a burger shows up. Your burger button. You should make a burger button! Dude. I kind of had something like that before, but it didn't work. What about this for an app? Whatever you

write on the street, on the maps, it's waiting for you when you get home. That would be awesome. What were you going to say, Andrew? Well, no, I'm just thinking about, like, imagine going home and there's a fart waiting. Is it in, like, a jar? There is a guy waiting for you. Alright, now's the...

I think this is the part of the podcast where Andrew ends it. So, uh, here we... Ryan, get away! Oh, you want me to end it? Eric's written the instructions right there, you see? Who's, uh, tell, okay. Well, first of all, I want to thank Jeff and Gavin for joining me on another wonderful episode of

F*** Face. Thank you. Thank you. We learned a lot. We got to see beautiful art. I nearly cried. Gavin's been hitting a pinata for, what, 15 minutes? Yep. Not winning a single surface. Didn't win a single surface. Just want to point that out, once again. Not a single win. I want to, that out, once again. Not a single win.

I want to... What else am I supposed to do? Tell people to tell a friend. If you have a friend, or if you have an enemy, and you don't like the podcast, tell the enemy about it. Say it's great. Lie to them.

If you like the podcast, and you have friends, somebody you care about, tell them. We'd really appreciate it. Leave a rating. Five stars. I mean, preferably five or four. Four five stars i guess would be do we care i think we care about the rating right i don't think you should tell people the the rating to give i think you should just say no you know yeah i mean obviously right from your heart yeah i would say your heart was a five star we tow the line between a solid solid five to six out of ten every week.

Then you've got to translate to the five star method. I think it's a solid three. It's a solid... We'll just say five, because that's what Eric says. He says it's five. Don't listen to Gavin. We're going to get a bunch of mediocre reviews. Subscribe. That'd be accurate, though. That'd be the truth.

You're putting it in their head that it's only a three, though. Put it in their head that it's a five. Do you think it's a five? Out of ten? At least. But if there's only five stars, still use the ten-point system. You just go up as high as you can. Got it.

As close to the ten. Yeah, the top five stars are hidden. Yeah, exactly. That's how it works. Subscribe. Oh, right. You were doing this one yeah yeah that's what you threw it in my court now you want if you want to take it back i'll gladly give it i don't know i i you take the rock okay subscribe on whatever app you're on in all seriousness thank

you so much for listening this is such a stupid show that i have so much fun recording with my two friends. One friend, one kind of asshole who likes to fart and stuff. We live with it. Holy shit, there's only 50 surfaces in this pinata game. Yeah, I know. It's a pretty good draw, right? Yeah, it's 50 Xbox Live. I've continued the podcast, by the way. 50 Xbox Live Ultimate Passes, 25 Xbox One Xs, and 50 Surfaces. And the rest are just garbage.

How often does it refresh? Is it like 50 a day? No, no, it's like waves. I read the rules. I think it's three sets of 50 over like three months. So I could be trying to win a bunch of Surfaces that have already been won. Yeah, it's possible that My browser crashed

Gavin just figured out that gambling Isn't worth it It works for some people like Andrew Patton As long as you go in accepting you're gonna lose It's great gambling's fun Well no I don't recommend it Don't do it but it's great It's terrible but it's fun

I'm still ending this show right that's what's happening what i said yeah we're subscribed did it end eric was that did was the end in there i think we're good i think i got the ratings i got the note we're still going what what what do i need to say what am i missing i think i got the ratings no i think you nailed it i was the only thing i was gonna add is that like if you have an opinion on eric we'd love to hear it. He's typing. He's typing. Hold on.

He says. Eric, why don't you just talk? Why are you typing to us? We're right here. All right. So Eric wants us to end it with this. So I'll just say what Eric said, and then we can just end it. Okay?

He said, yeah, trying, no, still going, say thanks and goodbye. You're adding something? Why? I said thanks. I told the people thanks. I think Andre covered all that. I think he did it. I didn't say goodbye.

I just did now. You said yes. You were trying for sure. You were definitely still going. Hell, we're still still going, so we're doing that. How long is this exit? Is this the longest exit we've had

oh i hope so this is like i feel like this is like five minutes of us ending the show well you could just cut it why don't we just cut it cut it to when andrew stopped talking the first time we could do that when did that happen like now like when i stopped now right that right then that was it oh hold on i got an email was it it? Oh, it has nothing to do with this. Never mind. It wasn't Eric telling you to stop? No, no, it wasn't at all, actually. Oh, well, I'm at it. I got a lot of emails. Hold on. I got an email from Quibi telling me the trending

this week is The Stranger. Do you guys see The Stranger on Quibi? What is The Stranger? It's where you sit on your hand, isn't it? It's like a...