F**kface - Confidence of a Much More Capable Man//Coolio Has No Involvement [8]

Episode Date: July 22, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about a burger eating challenge, Coolio, Xbox Achievements, and an elaborate payment plan. Sponsored by ExpressVPN. Visit http://expressvpn.com/FACE and get an extra 3 months FREE on a one-year package! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit dragonsdogma.com to buy the game and start your epic quest today. That's D-R-A-G-O-N-S-D-O-G-M-A.com to learn more. And that wraps up another classic dumpster fire edition of F*** Face. Thank you, Jeff and Gavin

for being so wonderful and hilarious. You two really killed it this episode. I want to thank the brains behind this operation, Nick and Eric. This show would be a much lesser version of itself without the two of you.

And I most importantly want to thank you, the listener and a world of a billion podcast. The fact that you've chosen to spend this time with us is greatly appreciated without you. There is no us. This is getting long winded. So I'll just close this by saying, if you enjoy the show and haven't

subscribed please do so also please leave the show a positive rating and a review both of those things are a huge help in growing the show thank you so much for your support have a wonderful day he wrote it down he was

reading it's a script and you prepared that holy shit you know sometimes when you're listening to a podcast app He was reading the script yeah You know sometimes when you're listening to a podcast app and uh like you've you've and you've skipped ahead on an episode right at the End, but then whenever you listen to it it starts at the end I thought that was happening, but then I realized this is life well Eric always complains about our ending So I just wanted to make sure we got a good one. I think that was that good Eric That was the best ending we've ever had the I think that was pretty clean I put some effort into that goodbye and welcome to the backwards episode of face

It's just you're always like the endings aren't good So I figured if we start with the end then we'll have a lot of time to get that ending down We know the ending is good now. Yeah, I feel like we got it's in the can we're good I fucking first take that one congratulations. That was great. I feel like we got it. It's in the can. We're good. All right. Fucking first take that one. Congratulations. That was great. I feel like I nailed that. I'll be honest.

I had it. No, Andrew, that was perfect. That was brilliant. I had a whole introduction I wanted to do, and you just fucking steamrolled through it. Oh, I feel like you could still. Do you want to do the intro? No, no, no. I don't want to do it.

That's kind of the outro. Yeah, we'll just save the intro for the end. All right. We'll save the intro for the end. That's a great idea. Can I do the intro? Yeah. All i don't want to do it that's kind of the outro yeah we'll just save the intro for the end all right we'll save the intro for the end that's a great idea can i do the intro yeah all right that's fantastic uh all right well thanks for two thanks for that andrew thanks for tuning in no problem and uh it was good to do a podcast with you i don't know how to go from end to beginning well i mean the the story about Andrew's burgers was brilliant, and I'm really glad that he told it. Yeah, I mean, we teased that for like two shows. Man, what a great story that was. I think it worked out great.

Could you believe the ending? I know I didn't tell you guys about that twist ending until then. What a moment that was. You guys were shot. That was great. I'm so fucked. How about a burger recap? Oh oh you want to do a recap you think that's necessary the same episode

to recap well just rewind it a bit okay well I guess where do we even begin I guess the question is maybe to open it more broadly I feel like everybody has a food they think they could eat way more of than they actually can you came to me with this you you were asking me what I would pick and uh you went with

McDonald's just regular yeah like yeah yeah like a single cheeseburger okay yeah like a basic burger not even a cheeseburger just a basic burger um that was mine what was yours you don't you don't want cheese no well if're going to eat a lot of them. Mine is easily black olives. I thought I could eat a thousand black olives in one minute, and I can't. Are you serious? Yeah, you hit a black olive limit a lot quicker than you think. You just fucking twisted me because you told me banana popsicles at the time.

I did not see that coming at all. That was a massive twist. Olives? But black olives, well, banana popsicles, I have succeeded in eating. I only ate banana popsicles and banana Laffy Taffy as sustenance for about 14 months, and I'd say 30 pounds. Right after I got separated, when I moved out on my own and I became a quote-unquote single in my 40s,

all I knew how to eat, I realized, were banana popsicles and banana Laffy Taffy. But in terms of things that you think you can eat a lot of and then you find out you can't, Gavin dared me to eat a can of olives on stage live in front of 3,000 people once in 60 seconds, just large black olives, and I couldn't get through half the can,

and I was humiliated. It was embarrassing. I didn't like it. I was embarrassed. Yeah, I was embarrassed for you. So Andrew just came to me one day. I've actually got the Slack still open. He said, what is the food that you think

you could eat the most of within a 12-hour time limit? I went for penne pasta, because for some reason, if I've ever just made pasta, I always get seconds seconds I don't know What it is with penne but so I said I could eat Four boxes in 12 hours And uh

And he said no I probably couldn't I think my stomach would just split There's no way you could start leaking penne Into my cavities So many carbs and so much pasta But you know it's delicious Then you said what about McDonald's single burgers? I think I could,

without struggle, eat 50 McDonald's dollar menu burgers in 12 hours. I think I went into saying the hardest part would be not ordering fries as a side. I was very confident in my ability. I then went on to say, you're an idiot, you're a fool, that's like one every

half an hour. Ridiculous. No, that would be 24 hours. say you're an idiot you're a fool that's like one every half an hour uh ridiculous that's no that's that was that'd be 24 hours um so you're talking yeah like for an hour ridiculous i think the time the math ended up being i needed to eat a burger every 10 minutes for what we settled on but yeah and i predicted that after 20 you'd be seriously slowing down so how did it go well yeah well i i think we should also add there's a bet we had a bet on this as well like predicted that after 20, you'd be seriously slowing down. So how did it go? Well, yeah, well, I think we should also add there's a bet. We had a bet on this as well. Like once we agreed, I essentially asked every person I knew because I thought I could do it and wanted to make a bet with somebody. And you're the first person that agreed to a bet. We had a $50 50 burger bet.

Yeah. I will always be willing to put up money that is, you know, an amount that would be useful in my life and spend it on something completely pointless that I don't even get to see yes like $50 I could buy an Xbox game for that or most of one but yeah it was a 50 if I ate all 50 I really we should have done like a middle

if I was smart like if I hit 25 then we're even and then I could progress from there but When did this happen by the way? According to my timestamps, this was March the 9th of March. This year? Yeah. So this is in a this is in a fucking quarantine

COVID world. You guys are right around the start of it. Sort of, yeah. It wasn't like a real, it was right before I'd say, yeah, it is right before it happened. You came to me with... So it was the day before you asked me about it, about 2 p.m.

9 a.m. the next morning, we were still talking about it. And by 1 p.m., you sent me a picture of three bags full of McDonald's hamburgers. Yeah, I was ready to go. So wait a minute. Am I meant to believe here

that you guys started talking about it at 2 p.m. and we're still talking about it at 9 a.m. as if you gabbed through the night like two schoolgirls talking about cute boys in class? I think that was a slight break. I didn't think we were. Okay. No, there were some tough negotiations over pickles. Were pickles allowed?

Could I modify the burger? We went up there at like 3 a.m. like tee hee hee. That's important. That's a great point. What is the answer answer are they just like bog standard as they come burgers I modified them to my liking so I took the pickles off and I just felt like I needed

I took the onions off too because it just seemed like any amount of food additional food would be bad do you have an issue with onions and pickles or you were just trying to I don't like pickles I'm not a fan of pickles but yeah the onions I just felt like from a room perspective that's I mean if 50 burgers. I'm not a fan of pickles. But yeah, the onions, I just felt like from a room perspective. I mean, if 50 burgers worth of onions is a lot of onion.

So if I could just get rid of that, I'd be a leg up. Onions are also, they're surprisingly high in fat content. Although I don't know that an onion in a McDonald's hamburger is a real onion. See, I feel like I would keep the onion because the biggest mental block for me would be just the boredom of the flavor and i would i would maybe pull some onions out of my first five sling them all in my sixth one really get really reset the palate you should just yeah just tell the tell the cook or the chef uh just like surprise me give me 50 i don't want them all to be the same make these as different as possible using

these same ingredients um yeah i don't and pickles just no i i'm i don't like pickles i'm not a pickle guy i don't really eat pickles i learned like within a year that pickles were cucumbers and that blew my mind that was a huge revelation yeah the pickle part is the that is the process is the process yeah like a pickled onion yeah i had no idea i was watching like some cooking video where it was like a chef making a fancy burger and he's like we're gonna make our own pickles and i was like how do you do that and he pulls out a cucumber i was like there's no way this isn't they're not connected are you a fan of cucumbers or do you dislike cucumbers? I have no opinion on the cucumber. I never really had a cucumber.

Cucumbers are fucking delicious. Are they? It's just weird to me that that would make you not like pickles. When you found out it started its life as something else. That's not necessarily why I dislike. It's a texture thing mainly for me with pickles. I just had no idea. I thought they were their own thing.

I thought you could pull a pickle from like a tree or something at some point. Wherever pickles come from. I never thought about... I didn't think about where they came from. I just assumed that you could be in a field somewhere and find a pickle. I love the idea of you planting pickle seeds and then it just grows as cucumber. And you're like, god damn it. It's broken.

But yeah, ordered 50 burgers. No pickles, no onions. What was the price? What was the cost? Yeah, that's, no onions. What was the price? What was the cost? Yeah, that's a great question. What is the price? I had it delivered. So there's a delivery.

I think it came to like $70. So even if I won the bet, I was down. I've got the stats here. 50 hamburgers, 240 calories each. Remove pickles, remove onions. Delivery fee, five bucks. Total food and beverage cost $94.50. Really?

Wow. So if I would have won the bet, I would have... You tipped the delivery guy $18? Oh, yeah. That's very generous of you. Well, COVID wasn't quite a thing yet. I'm not trying to slow this story down to pad for time, although that would be awesome.

But I am curious if if we remove the pickle and the onion what is left in the like i would like to know what the composition of the remaining burger is it's just condiment it's ketchup and mustard i believe so it's uh all beef patty ketchup mustard sesame seed bun yes oh no i don't think there's sesame seeds on the sink i think it's just a plain bun there's no sesame i don't think there's sesame seeds on the I think it's just a plain bun There's no sesame? I don't think there is I can tell you that with your onion choice You remove 240 calories of onions Wow

Surprisingly high in fat content That's like one whole burger less There is really no strategy to it beyond I assume that would take up additional space. And I was trying to most space I could possibly have. Like you're smart talking about like the different textures. That was not a consideration. I went into this thinking it would be super easy.

I was honestly just blown away at how confident you were. Because a stomach is only so big. And look at those bags. Look at those giant bags full of food. How? is only so big and look at those bags look at those giant bags full of food how it's one thing i've always said about andrew is he has the confidence of a much more capable man yes yes i do if i think i can do something there's a like 100 i believe i could there's no 50 it's like i'm absolutely gonna be able to do this it's zero or a hundred i have no middle and then you did and then i tried it yeah i was actually i was nervous i felt bad submitting a 50 burger order i got a letter from the people

that worked there they were like thank you thank you for such a big order we appreciate that do they appreciate that i guess i don't know i didn't think they would but i got a letter from them saying like this is great thank you kill them with can with Canadian kindness every time by by 2 p.m According to our slack conversations Andrew Patton says one by in I may have greatly underestimated these burgers Yeah Cuz I have No, I yeah, I have a lot of confidence going into things but as soon as it starts I can kind of see my limit and

It went from this is no problem to I took a bite it was like this is a this is a problem this isn't I greatly underestimated these buns these buns are an issue I can't believe you didn't take a dry run at any point and just say let me eat one burger and see how I feel why would I do that that makes sense that's a good game plan. Was the first one good? Uh, no, the first one was fine, yeah. I don't mind it. So when did it get shitty? When did it get a little bit palatably

boring? Seven. I'd say seven in, yeah. Oh, that checks out, actually. Uh, at 5 30 p.m. Bowl of Blackberries was introduced at Burger 8. Yeah. i had to try to do something why would you just eat some random fruit oh i guess it's small anything small yeah i wanted a different taste and it was small it's a small item to consume i didn't think it would take

much space i blazed through the first five it was yeah you said you ate four in 10 minutes but uh yeah so you were not pacing yourself no why would i this is gonna be easy after four hours you were at 11 yeah i just i started i mean the first few were no problem uh then i hit five or six and uh it became a problem pretty quickly uh it was filling in the taste it was so bad and they started getting cold i didn't project how bad a cold burger would be. Couldn't you have just sort of put the oven to, like, maybe 100 degrees and just left them in there? That's what you want me to put 44 burgers in the oven at 100 degrees?

This is $50 on the line, Andrew. Yeah, but I've already spent 97. Exactly, you gotta recoup some of your loss. I'm going down 47 no matter what that was bad and it just kept getting worse at like eight or nine it was terrible and i laid down and that at that point that was the first time i thought i'm gonna look into strategy for this i felt just so full i was laying down and i watched a video of this professional eater. And he was explaining how they eat large amounts of food.

Was it like Matt Stoney or someone? I don't remember who it was. But it essentially came down to you have a limited amount of space. So once you're out of space, you're out of space. So this is what you need to do to create more space before you do anything. And once I had that realization, I was like, this is, I'm not hitting 50. This is bad. Where do you create the space? well in enema I assume

I mean I guess I could have tried that I mean I did I like looked into how long it takes for burgers to digest and I wouldn't have a full time like the amount of time required to get a full clear but uh I mean I think it's sort of inspirational I just kept soldiering away

I kept hammering away doing my best for the whole 10 hours even though I had no chance I'd say after the first 2 hours also Gavin fucking renegotiated down to 10 hours we started at 12 and then he renegotiated 10 wait did I want 10?

you wanted it down to 10 you're like ah that looks 10? You wanted it down to 10. You're like, ah, that looks too easy. And you negotiated down to 10. Andrew, that's something you should know before you enter into any bet with Gavin. He will very quickly, very willingly enter into a bet with you over almost anything and oftentimes

a ridiculous sum of money on his end. Once you take the bet, the wheels start to spin. he realizes he's on the hook then he starts to he starts to to backpedal and that's when the the price goes down and the the requirements go up 100 of the time every time you got to be prepared for that with gavin oh here's what happened here's what happened i clearly lost concentration uh you sent me the picture we'd been talking about 12 hours i said shit that looks doable are you going to do it in waves or will it be a constant flow throughout the 10 hours

and I just I guess just changed the number there because I wasn't paying attention and then you were throwing you were throwing a hissy fit the bet was that I had 12 hours but now that Mr. Rules and Regulations shows up I will do it in 10 so you took

that as a challenge. I did. You didn't just say, nice typo, genius. You were like, no, I can do it in 10. So that's how that happened. Carry on. I don't think it was a typo. And also, I don't know.

It just did. It's manipulation is what it is. It felt like gaslighting you. I would have never agreed to that if I had a burger first. That was in my complete confidence. I thought I'd do it in like eight. So where did it end up? 31 burgers.

I ate 31 burgers over the 10 hours. That's really not bad. No. It's pretty impressive. The one additional is impressive to me. The fact that you didn't just call it a 30. You were like, I'll do one more. Yeah, I just, I wanted to do as many as I could.

As I said, it's an inspiration. I didn't quit. Were you still, like, set the stage. You have 10 minutes left. I was still eating. You're sitting on your bed surrounded by hamburger wrappers and what, like 22 or 23 burgers left? And you're like, how many can I cram in in the last 10 minutes?

Yeah. No, I was consistently eating. I'd take little breaks. And then I would have, I'd maybe stop for like 30, 40 minutes. And I'd kind of get a second wind. And then I'd eat two burgers and I'd feel great. And then it would hit me again. It was just like a constant.

It was almost like waves of like, this is the worst thing ever. Oh, I can do this. I can eat two more. And it was like that the entire 10 hours. I also have the discussion here of after you lost. You said, since I lost and now owe you $50. However, the world has entered a pandemic and the economy is collapsing. In this Mad Max world, a $50 bill is useless.

And then you went on to try and find something that might be worth more money. bill is useless and then you went on to try and find something that might be worth more buddy and you came up with a signed coolio card for the 2003 ben affleck daredevil movie that is hey that is not the most easily gettable card that's set which to this day uh you never sent me uh no well we're gonna talk about that but you never responded first of all so i assume there was no coolio interest second of all that's I assume there was no Coolio interest. Second of all, that's a great collectible. He's not even in that movie. He had one scene and they cut it.

So it's an autographed card for a movie that the person isn't even in. Coolio has no involvement with the actual film. That must be worth way more than $50. I would love that thing. I bet not. It's a great, yeah, you should, you can probably find online. I think it might be worth $5 is the retail evaluation.

Look, as an aside, sidebar, we've talked about building this, the world's best collectible guide or the, like the best list of collectibles.

We, so far it's got Billy Ripken's 1989 Fleer face card on it. I nominate the second card to be an autographed Coolio Ben Affleck Daredevil 2003 trading card. I think it deserves to be there.

I mean, what do you think? I think the Coolio one is way better. You think Coolio's better? I think we should. I think it deserves to be on the list. I'm a big fan of his work

on the Keenan and Kel theme song. We're all a big fan of all of Coolio's work. Yeah. Let's be serious. Let's be honest. He used to do that fucking MTV show that was like MTV's horror show where they would, it was kind of like our ghost hunting show.

I can't remember the name of it off the top of my head, but he was really great in it on the celebrity version of it. He's a cool dude, that Coolio. I don't doubt it. Great autograph. Give him credit i feel like was gangsta's paradise even more popular than the stevie wonder song yes what was the stevie wonder song uh it's a song called pastime paradise right i don't know i mean that's i don't think any of us are old enough to remember i don't know it was a popular song though but it's the though It's Gangster's Paradise but without someone

rapping Oh it's just like the instrumental is a Stevie Wonder song? No it's like a song, like he says Like the chorus is Stevie Wonder Yeah there you go No but I'm saying Gangster's Paradise took the instrumental from that

It took the music and then he had like a choir sing the chorus that Stevie Wonder sang and then he did some rapping. And then Michelle Pfeiffer turned a chair around and got tough with students. That's true.

What Batman movie was she in? She's in a Batman movie, right? Yeah, she was Cat catwoman and what one though do you remember uh batman 2 the one with uh danny devito as the joker or i'm sorry as the penguin as chester cobblepot i think to the list of dumb collectibles i would and they're so hard to get but there's a batman and robin set that has like george caluni autos uh arnold schwarzenegger as an auto in that jo Joel Schumacher. That'd be a hell of a get for any of that. Listen, we should sit down and put some serious effort into figuring out what the official collectible list will be.

Because I want to throw the Menendez Brothers basketball card in there. There was a really cool photo of a baseball player from the Phillies that was on Reddit the other day that was nominated as like the coolest baseball card of all time. But we're getting to we're getting to we're straying too far away from hamburgers right now. We are. Should we go back? Yeah, because I have one thing I'd like to point out when we're when you're totally done. I have one addendum I'd like to add. OK, well, this is we're going to about to go to a second part.

So is it tied to the hamburger or do you want to wait until the end of the story? It's tied to hamburgers. Okay, well, go ahead. I was just going to say, this happened in March. You attempted to eat 50 hamburgers, failed a valiant effort. It apparently had no long-term effect on you, because yesterday I found out you won a Microsoft Surface by spinning a wheel trying to win more hamburgers. That's true. I guess I'm up.

I guess my passion for hamburgers, I mean, if you look at it that way, that's like a $550 tablet. I'm up. That's a great point, Jeff. Thanks. You're good about this, man. Your hamburger obsession,

it's getting out of control, buddy. I don't know if it's an obsession, but I'd say my pursuit of the joy of a simple burger has led me down some bad roads and some good roads, and I'm up right now. Here's what we need to do. I can make several of these bets. We're obviously going to have this collectible list.

This show is very quickly spinning out into being bigger than the three of us. We obviously, it's obvious to me that we need to develop the world's leading monkey movie rating scale and guide. Obviously, we need to do that. I was thinking about Congo the other day. Amy, you want raindrop drink? There's so many great monkey movies. Now I'm thinking we need Andrew's guide to the best burgers in Canada or the world.

But we don't have to do that today. Something to think about. What if we just made it on my island so it was useless to 99% of people that see the list? That'd be great. That's even better to me. I mean, it won't be useless to Gavin and I when we come for the bathtub race. That's true. When we're there, we'll use it. This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN. Let's say you're a member of, I don't know, this is purely hypothetical, by the way, but let's say you're a member of, I don't know what, this is purely hypothetical, by the way. Let's say it's an organization of like-minded, commemorative, and highly collectible

teaspoon and thimble collectors, a community, if you will. And let's say, even though you and most of the septuagenarian and octogenarian, disciplinarian, authoritarian, rotarian octarians of said secret organization know how cool and super sexy collectible teaspoons and thimbles are. I mean, as an aside, if you have ever held, I don't know, I'm just off the top of my head, not thinking of anything in specific, but maybe a gilded and rose stained ceramic thimble commemorating the June 7th pilot episode airing of The Archers on BBC. If you've ever held that in your hand and tell me that's not sexy, you can't do it. Anyway, back to the hypotheticals. Let's say that lots and lots of people do not understand how cool it is to be a member

of a highly coveted organization of said septuagenarian and octogenarian disciplinary and authoritarian Rotarian octarians and have no appreciation that someone as young as 45, somebody as young as me, 45. Sure. Why not? Could even be accepted into their highly prized and secretive ranks. So you prefer to keep it on the down low. Now you can, thanks to ExpressVPN.

I know most of you are probably thinking, well, if you would like to hide the fact that you're a member of a largely septuagenarian and octogenarian disciplinary and authoritarian rotarian octarians uh hell-bent on collecting uh only the most prized commemorative teaspoons and thimbles both metal and porcelain on planet earth do you think incognito mode probably good enough to hide that right uh you know kind of kind of keep those movements to yourself but it doesn't hide your activity it doesn't matter what mode you use or how many times you clear your browsing history your internet service provider can still see every single website you've visited even a certain forum largely populated by a certain collectible community of people who are maybe in the 70 to 80 year old range who are shrewd and prefer to keep their very private and top secret transactions to themselves,

that service provider can still see that's going on. I mean, come on. This is why when I'm at home, I never go online without using ExpressVPN. Not that I go to those forums and not that I am a member of said septuagenarian and octogenarian, disciplinarian, authoritarian, rotarian, octarian collectors

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Okay, so I lose the burger bets. As you know, I tried to sell Gavin the cool eel card. I tried to convince him. That did not work. I don't know why I didn't reply. I assume you were messaging me while I was recording, and I just never came back to you, but I somehow want to get hold of that. Well, it's off the table now.

It's gone. I missed the window, huh? You missed the window. It's closed. So what are you going to... Now that that's off the table, what are you going to replace the $50 of value that you still owe me?

No, this is what you don't know, Gavin. I had a whole plan worked out. I came up with this whole thing. What I did, because I care. I don't like owing people stuff. I care. If I owe you something, I will pay you back. It's important to me.

Sure. Yeah. And also, but we live in different places, and just mailing money through the mail, that seems dangerous. Well, especially with your mail problems. It's not like services like Venmo exist. No. I don't know.

What's a Venmo? It's a bunch of letters together. I don't know what that is. Fair enough. So I thought, oh, I want to send this to Gavin because I care about him, and I owe him this $50, but I also want to make this to Gavin because I care about him and I owe him this $50, but I also I want to make sure it's safe

So what I did was I bought four different safes online of Different sizes I bought this really tiny safe that was intended for if you're in a casino And you don't trust yourself. You can just slide the money in there So I put I got one of those I put a nice 50 in for you Then I bought a slightly bigger safe and I put the small safe in that safe Then I bought another slightly bigger safe put that safe in it that safe Then I bought a bigger like hotel safe with the electric lock and I put all the safes in there And then I locked it No, I didn't just lock it up because I care about you gavin and i care about you getting your money so then i bought 500 keys off of ebay and had them

shipped to my house and i took the keys for the safe and and all the other safes and i threw them all in the big safe so there's 500 keys and then four safes. Then I locked up the safe and I was all ready to send it to you. And then the world entered a pandemic. That's going to cost like 600 bucks to send through the mail. It's going to be heavy as shit. It's well, yeah, it's over 20 pounds. I have waited. It's a Matryoshka doll of safes and keys.

Oh my God. It sounds, it's horrifying to move. It is very heavy. Weighs over 20 pounds. And my plan was I'm gonna send this to you and then I'm gonna sell you the combination so you can get your money back. So I would end up equal. That was the

idea. I'd slowly sell you parts of the combination. Then you'd open it and a fucking boat load of keys would pour out. and then it'd be great. It'd be hilarious. It'd be a win for me. That was the plan. I'm so mad this never happened. That was the plan.

How much would you have charged for the combination number? Oh, I don't know. I didn't figure that out. You'd be nuts. Yeah, no, I think I'd do one at a time, and I'd be like, ten, and it's a very specific combination. I was gonna leave clues. I filled it with Garfield cards, too. A bunch of Garfield collectible cards. It was the whole thing.

It's 20 pounds of disaster, but then the world entered a pandemic. Nobody could go outside. So I had this safe just in the corner of my room, this 20-pound bullshit safe, just for weeks. And then you had to move a house and then i had to move and i had to physically move this 20 pound safe i've definitely lost at this

point i still have the safe so that turned into you facing yourself oh when you're trying to face me yeah a hundred percent blew up in my. I didn't predict a pandemic happening. It really set me back. Shit. That's awesome. It's a great plan, right? Four safes, like Russian dolling you with the safes. They're good safes too.

These are not low quality safes. Fuck. I'm so stupid. I never even considered just like mailing the keys to like the office and having someone build the safe for me. That was a realization later. Once I realized it was 20 pounds, I was like, this is going to be. Pre-fabricated this whole thing and then you yourself have to front the cost. You could have sent it to me, dickhead.

I could have done it. Yeah, I know. I know you could have. Yeah, I should have. I didn't. I just didn't think about that. And then I weighed it and I was like, this is going to cost a billion dollars. This is I need to figure out a way to make this work.

But then the pandemic happened. So I didn't I didn't have to figure it out. It's just I'm going to have this 20 pound bullshit safe filled with keys for my keys and safes. The worst part is it would be hard for me to even get the 50 out. I don't know where the keys are. I put the keys in the safe. I can't even pull the money out. So I'm currently

just withholding money for myself. I've locked myself out of this whole thing. But on a rainy day, you know there's 50 waiting for you. That's true. That'll be a frustrating later when I need that 50 and i'm going i'm imagining you like taking a cab or something and you don't have any cash and you're like hold on i'll go in and i know where 50 is and it takes you like four hours to get to it but if i go to like a casino and just put the safe down to like the table? I want 50 on red.

It's in here, trust me. Don't worry about it. It's in there. Wow, honestly, that story went in a completely different direction than I thought it was going. I had no idea about any of that. I can't believe you've been holding on to that since March. Well, we figured I was going to send it to you and it could have been a video or something, We figured I was gonna send it to you And it could have been a video or something

But it's like no one's gonna be in a place Like in a public Like in an office until it feels like 2025 Would you have let me Instead of paying for the combination Would you have let me complete smaller tasks Like what Like instead of me paying you like

$10 per number of the combination What would be like a smaller task Like maybe depending on what the task is. Oh, like, I don't know like just little bets where if I complete them, I don't have to pay you the money. Because I kind of want to, I don't want to be I don't want to break even or be, you know,

in loss from this. Like draw a penis on your forehead with sunscreen and then go lay outside for 30 minutes is, yeah, it's like two keys or something. or two combinations. Or go and like run a fart into Austin. I didn't consider that, but I think if you would have approached me with it,

I definitely would have been open to it. That's good. Nothing wrong with that, yeah. I like that we've negotiated this at every available point to the point where it's not even, it's not anywhere near what we started with the $50 for burgers thing I feel like though guys I feel like this perfectly illustrates the need for this

podcast right this is what it's like it's what this is what it's been like for the three of us to be friends for five or six years now and it's virtually impossible to capture or film it always goes wrong or goes awry and then you're like well that was the funniest thing nobody will ever get to find out about god damn yeah or just even like it sometimes it doesn't even occur to me to share this on a public level like i've just been doing stuff like this for over a decade yeah honestly if if i i just need to like keep our slack conversations or print them or something because it's just gold in it like i just scrolled i just scrolled past some other random conversation the next is uh shitting would require four steps oh yeah that's just from another thing that we that you were doing yeah that was fun that's one of my favorite things you've done in a while it's a fucking achievement

in the orange box too is it really i was thinking about that the other day. Yeah, yeah. It's in Portal 1, I believe. Oh, God. Do you remember, Gav? Those Portal achievements were awful, yeah. It was like, beat all this stuff with barely walking, and you're just floating up and down through portals to the end of the level. It's like, beat a level in less than nine steps or something. Yeah.

It's hard. Oh, yeah. No, they had those in Portal Still Alive. Yeah, those suck. I want to go back and finish the Orange Box. I never did that. They're in. Oh, yeah. No, they had those in Portal Still Alive. Yeah, those suck. I want to go back and finish the Orange Box. I never did that. They're in Orange Box, too. I think they're the only ones that are missing from Orange Box,

is those crazy Portal ones. Gavin got a shitload of achievements in Orange Box. I remember being jealous of that at the time. I like games where there's just a shitload of achievements. Like, Orange Box is great. Master Chief Collection has, like, 700 achievements. You would love Gems of War. It has 4,000 700 achievements. You would love Jim's Award. It has 4,000 fucking achievements.

And they're all impossible. I'm so stupid. I thought you were literal. I'm dumb. Ignore me. When you said 4,000, I was like, wait a second, that's not... I know Master Chief Collection has the most, 700. 4,000 doesn't even make sense. I'm an idiot. I apologize. It's okay, though. It's part of your charm.

I want to get the Orange Box because it had the most achievements on the 360. I think it has 99. And then Master Chief Collection has the most on the Xbox One. So I'd like to 100% the games that had the most achievements on both generations. I want to see now how many did I get in Orange Box?

I think you're at like 80-something. I've looked at it before. I think you were down to like some bullshit, some of the Team Fortress stuff you didn't get. Yeah, you also have the Team Fortress 2 stuff. That's still going. You could still get that. Thousand kills or whatever. Dude, I bet the people that are still playing Team Fortress 2

on the Xbox 360 are fucking good. Like their life, their life, progress in their life stopped when that game came out and they're still going strong. They fucking ignored the fact that Team Fortress 2 became an entirely different game on the PC and all of that. And they're still just plugging away at that core game. I bet they're phenomenal. Do you think there's one person just sitting in the lobby waiting?

Waiting for someone? It's probably like the dude that we met in 50 Cent Blood on the Sand that time. Yeah, I was actually about to talk about that. One of my biggest regrets in video games is not being able to 100% 50 Cent Blood on the Sand. When I played through it in like two days, I got all the collectibles. I did everything. The only achievements I'm missing. Phenomenal game.

It's a fantastic game. But the achievements I'm missing are to play as the co-op character i hosted all of our sessions so you have all those achievements i didn't get any of them it's the only thing i'm missing i thought for sure the 50 cent blood on the sand servers have long died there's no way i looked you have to get them online there's no local option i was disappointed i was sad for years i I could never do this. I just found out that they're still going. Are you serious? You can still play 50 Cent Blood on the Sand

on an Xbox 360. The premise of that game has to be the best premise of any video game I have ever played. Do you remember it, Andrew? Vaguely, it has to do with he does a show, right? Yeah, 50 Cent and the the g unit the whole g unit

they go to somewhere in the middle east i think to like a fake country but it may have been a real country i could be misremembering and they're gonna play a concert and his payment is a diamond skull i believe like a skull made out of diamonds and And then a terrorist group steals it. And then 50 cent and like a Warren G or whoever, uh, I don't know if the game was in the G unit back then or what, uh, then it's, then it turns into gears of war and it's a two player,

uh, cover based third person shooter to kill the terrorists, to reclaim 50 cents diamond skull. So he can get payment for his concert. I don't think there was any moral issue he had with the terrorists being terrorists i think he simply wanted to be paid for his show was his motivation i don't think he cared about anything beyond that yes yeah he won payment for services rendered that's all it's all 50 cent cared about is this the same game as the one

where they added helicopters because of some kid yes yes they had the 50 cent had brought his son who was like seven to like an early build of the game or like they're showing it off to him and his son really liked helicopters and his kid was like there should be helicopters in this i like helicopters and 50 cents said you heard the man put some helicopters in so there's like four or five helicopter missions in that game just because the seven-year-old wanted it and they are not good they're probably the worst aspect of that game they feel very forced and completely unnecessary dude that's some power i bet that was power it's amazing it's a great accomplishment but yeah i'm so excited i'm gonna go back

i don't it's a tough sell to get someone to plug in a 360 and be willing to play through all of 50 Cent Blood on the Sand. But is it not backwards compatible? Of course not. No. They'd have to like, pretty licensing nightmare. I would happily do it with you, Andrew. But unfortunately, I don't own a 360 anymore.

I haven't had, I haven't seen one in years. Do you have the really cool one though, don't you? Somewhere at Rooster Teeth. I don't know. I would, I don't know what would have happened to it i'm looking at my orange box progress i'm i'm missing six achievements three of them are the portal challenges and then yeah i've got three from uh team fortress play with seven friends never got that accumulate a thousand kills never got that set five enemies on fire in 30 seconds never got that and i never I never will. Hmm. You're never going to go back?

You could try. I don't think so. I also don't have a 360. I bet that one's backwards compatible. Oh, it might be. No, yeah, it is. Orange box is backwards compatible. I just picked that up.

That whole thing, that whole setup is fucking lame. I mean, I get it. It shouldn't work super well. But when Millie and I went back and played, I guess it was Halo 4 is the one that's not, that's only available on the 360, is that right? No, they are all in

the Master Chief collection, aren't they? Yeah, Halo 4 is in the MCC. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Halo 5 isn't. Well, no, Halo 5 isn't. Halo 5 is Xbox One. I think, oh my god, I f*** faced us. What do you mean?

I thought Halo 4 wasn't in the MCC because it was f***ing 343, not Bungie or something. And so Millie and I downloaded Halo 4, bought it and downloaded it. What? And played the entire game backwards compatible. We couldn't get into a lobby together, so she played as a guest,

so she has no achievements in it. And we played all of Halo 4 together as her as a guest on my fucking background. Oh, my God. Is it really in there? Like, scrolling between Halo 1 and 2 and ODST. Did you not find it strange that you had to scroll over Halo 4 to get to ODST? I'll be honest. I don't think I ever saw it.

I just don't think I ever saw it. It's not even like they added 4. 4's been in there since the launch. They added ODST. Well I'm gonna have to go back and take a look at that. God damn it. So you were playing like the old, probably 30 frames a second 720p version, when there's a lovely 60fps full HD version there.

Well 4K probably now on there. Yes. And I paid to do it do you have all your component cables plugged in at least yeah i did have all my i did have all my component cables okay good i'm hdmi i want to make sure okay okay oh my god so anyway uh i have a question for you guys before we get on to andrew's steps okay i have a just a quick minor question should i be concerned i woke up the other morning, and I felt like when I was getting out of bed, I felt like a hangnail on my toe. You know how you

feel like a hangnail, and you're like, oh. And so when I took out the covers, I thought, I need to cut my toenail, my pinky toe, because I felt like it snagged for a second. And I looked down at my pinky toe, and my entire toenail fell off. Oh, God. It was just hanging by a thread, and I touched it, and it just fell off. Oh God. It was just hanging by a thread and I touched it and it just fell off. And I don't have a pinky toe, toenail anymore. Is that something I should be concerned about?

It just went away. It didn't hurt. I never like stubbed it or anything. It just exited from my body of its own volition. I feel like if it had been knocked off, I would have said, that's fine. You know, that always happens. Well, not always, said that's fine, you know, that always happens.

Well, not always, but that's not rare. The fact that it just gave up and jumped out of your foot, that's pretty weird. It abandoned ship with no pain. There's no hint of a toenail left. It's just weird, fleshy meat where a toenail used to be. Doesn't really hurt. Doesn't feel good.

I don't touch it often. I just don't know what to do about that. Are you concerned about the implication of it? Yeah. What if it's going to keep going? I don't know. What if you just have no toenails in like seven months? If all my toenails start falling off, I

well, I assume that I'm dying. I don't know. I don't know what else to think. I think you're fine. I'm going to be scared every day when I wake up to look at my toes to make sure I haven't lost it. It is disgusting. I mean't know. I don't know what else to think. I think you're fine. I'm going to be scared every day when I wake up to look at my toes to make sure I haven't lost another one. It is disgusting! I mean, there was no blood or anything, but... Medically, I think you're fine.

I'm bad at... I broke a plate in my room recently, and I don't know where a broom is. I don't have a way to clean up the little shards, and so my way of picking it up has been... I've just been randomly stepping on small pieces like the last week and then finding them that way so i'm definitely i'm not a good medical medical person do you have two pieces of notebook paper uh no no i don't have two pieces of printer paper no i have a newspaper is there

is there a newspaper i know you have flyers for a chinese restaurant in town oh those are those are hidden jake or i i was gonna call you jake for some reason i don't know please don't that would be please don't do that wow don't do that that would have been bad would you do that that would be i thought we were like we were i thought we were friends come on we are friends do you remember this is a completely random detour. Gavin, do you remember when you helped me with the Spike Lee thing with Jake? How did I help? I convinced somebody I'm friends with that they were going to interview Spike Lee in Minecraft. And I said he was like doing the rounds and you guys were going to do an interview with him too. And so I had you tweet at him. Good luck with your interview. Oh, yeah.

To really sell, really sell it. Yeah, I do remember that. Yeah, it was pretty good. It was all bollocks. Yeah. How did that go? Well, I had a fake Spike Lee, and then, like, it was a whole thing, and I pretended that there was, like, a voice issue, and that's why he couldn't hear Spike Lee because I don't know Spike Lee so I couldn't get him involved in this and then I had the Spike Lee leave the middle of the interview and then told him

that it was because Spike Lee was offended by one of the questions and he changed his gamer tag to sorry Spike Lee to like try to amend I paid for the change I feel like that's important to say I paid for both the change and the change back I said the only way to appease the situation would be if you showed you were sorry by changing your name he also filmed an apology video

that was a prank that I think two people watched it was a twitch stream it was like all this work but it was funny there were two people watching live? was a Twitch stream. It was like all this work, but it was funny. There were two people watching live? Yeah, but it was just people I know. I often wonder if we should bring up, because of all the terrible things you or I or Gavin have done in our lives,

I feel like none of them quite reach the level of just the average torture you submit your friend Jake to. And I always wonder if we should bring it up or if it's too cruel. Like if you tell Jake stories and we find out it violates the Geneva Convention or something. They're not that bad. They're all pretty funny. Yeah, I doubt there's Warcraft. They're all pretty funny.

I don't know, man. They're pretty funny. I don't know. We might lose the audience real fast. Oh, Jake and I are still friends. They're pretty funny. I don't know. We might lose the audience real fast. Oh, Jake and I are still friends. We're good friends. Does he know the extent of all of the times you've messed with him, though?

Oh, yeah. Well, we always talk about it at the end. I don't think there's been an ongoing... You know what? There is a stupid one. I guess the most ongoing one we did is he's such a big Rooster Teeth fan and he was in college and he told us at one we did is he's such a big roosterteeth fan and he was in college and when he he told us at one point that whenever he'd go to the cafeteria he'd lose his

cell phone signal he wouldn't get any reception and every time for like a month and a half he would leave we would just spam him like oh jeff just joined the party jeff joined the party he's talking and he believed it and he thought he had the most unlucky streak in the history of the world. He's like, every fucking time. I don't care what I go for dinner. It always happens when I leave. It was great. I got a ban by a Hall of Fame tight end on Twitter and told him it was...

That's the whole thing. I don't know. We can go down a whole... We need an episode just for him. Yeah, we need probably a fucking season or a year of Jake episodes. Goddamn, we're running up on time. Should we start the show? Yeah, yeah.

Before you start the show, while you were talking there, I did look through Jeff's achievements in Master Chief Collection. And yeah, it goes like Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Halo ODST, Halo Reach. And all the Halo 4 chambers just sat locked like you've never touched the thing. You've got a few multiplayer ones. That's so fucking stupid.

That's so fucking stupid. I can't believe it. I played every one of those games in the MCC. How didn't I see Halo 4? It's right there. It's always been there. It's been there for six years. God damn. i hate myself all right can i start the show now all right should we stop yeah hold on hello and welcome to another episode of face my name is jeff ramsey as you know this is a podcast about

asset and wealth management with me is andrew pantin And Andrew, I believe you had some particular insights into the Canadian ETF market you wanted to elucidate. What is the ETF? I have a lot of insights. Could you please remind me what the ETF is? I think we could just end it right there. Oh, you want to end it there? Okay. That makes no sense.

Or we could keep talking forever. Yeah, we could keep talking. We ended, we started. I think it ends right after you stop talking. Yeah, we could keep talking. I mean, I've got a little bit of an update. We ended, we started. I think that was the end. I think it ends right after you stop talking. Well, the end was at the start. So this is the start. I think it starts.

It ends where it starts.