F**kface - Did we get The Tuxedo from the Tuxedo? // The first freeze frame moment of my life [111]

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about an emergency F**kface meeting, the Tuxedo tuxedo, Jetski hi-fiving, Laptop urine, Geoff’s Gavin doorbell dream, and a cpap predicament. Want to contribute to bits...? Email what you can do to ffacebits@gmail.com Sponsored by ExpressVPN (http://expressvpn.com/face), Raycon (http://buyraycon.com/face), and Dad Grass (http://dadgrass.com/face). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:01:10 Visit dragonsdogma.com to buy the game and start your epic quest today. That's D-R-A-G-O-N-S-D-O-G-M-A.com to learn more. This is a Rooster Teeth production. Hello and welcome to another episode of the F*** Face Podcast. My name is Jeff Ramsey. With me, as always, Andrew Panton and Gavin Free, neither neither of whom are american just thought i'd throw that out there uh this is episode 100 it's what episode 111 of season four year three volume one i have a question uh yeah um well i i sort of opened
Starting point is 00:02:04 discord maybe 10 minutes ago and there was no one in here so i'm wondering did we have some extremely short pleasantries again dude let me tell you about the pleasantries go ahead i logged in i logged in i saw andrew and nick were already in so i hopped in at 257 to have pleasantries and iped in, and the first thing I heard Andrew say is, and that's the end of that conversation. We'll pick this up at a later date. Oh. This is a weird one. This is not on our normal day.
Starting point is 00:02:32 This is almost an emergency f*** face meeting. Dude. Not only is it, yeah, and I was telling Andrew before, I have so f***ing much to talk about. Gavin, you know about a lot of it.
Starting point is 00:02:46 There's one thing that happened to me this morning that you don't know about, though. I have so much to fucking talk about, but all I care about is a tuxedo, so I'm just going to list my notes and then if we get to them, we get to them, but at least they're on the recording and so I'll remember to get back to them someday. So I'm going to say, here's my notes real fast.
Starting point is 00:03:02 Bootstamp, fart movie, new laptop. Hi, Disney by Disney high seas high five Gavin doorbell dream. Oh, that's another one. You don't know about Gavin wrecked car gets wrecked and prepare to yell at Andrew about tuxedo. So Andrew, let's get into the tuxedo. Go right to the well before we get the tuxedo.
Starting point is 00:03:24 I just want Gavin to know it was a shorter pleasantry period. And I was very stressed about that. I was getting ready, hop in for some quality, quality pleasantries at like 1247 my time. And I was like, you know what? Got to use the bathroom. So I went to use the bathroom. It was a larger bathroom trip than I anticipated.
Starting point is 00:03:40 Thought it was fast. You shat away your pleasantries. It was a real problem. I was sitting on the toilet looking at the clock like, I'm running out of pleasantry time. I want to talk to Nick about some things
Starting point is 00:03:49 before Jeff gets here. And he typically gets here five minutes before. And were you opposed to joining the Discord from the toilet just to have pleasantries with Nick through your phone?
Starting point is 00:03:58 Not opposed to it, but it didn't occur to me. I was thinking about all the things that I need to discuss because a lot has happened since we... First of all, the tuxedo.
Starting point is 00:04:07 Why did we bleep that in the most recent episode? That was the thing that was bleeped a million times. I don't understand why we did that. Why did we do that? You're an idiot. You're such a stupid bastard. What do you mean? I don't understand how this is my fault.
Starting point is 00:04:20 Because that came out before the freaking auction. And that's the exact conversation I was trying to have with you, where you were like, oh, we don't have clearance to land. I was like, that episode hasn't come out yet. We still have time to bleep it. What's amazing to me is that when I proofed it, there weren't any bleeps. So I don't know
Starting point is 00:04:37 when it got bleeped, there was a missing bleep, and a tuxedo came out. Yeah, but it didn't come out hard. it only came out to the people who were paying extra attention it was like an extra well i mean it so the tuxedo itself ended up being the one of the last items in that block of auction period so it was on thursday the auction started on tuesday the tuxedo aspect of it happened on a thursday but it takes like several days to make your account for it so that's why I didn't get
Starting point is 00:05:06 why it was bleeped. Because even if it was before, unless somebody already had an account, it just felt like a niche thing. So I didn't know why that happened. But I guess... So you were saying it shouldn't have been bleeped because it takes so long to get an account. Yeah, like even though possibly the auction could have
Starting point is 00:05:21 happened if our lot was on Tuesday. I didn't realize how it worked at the time. But also it takes several days to like get approved. You have to get... You have to if our lot was on Tuesday. I didn't realize how it worked at the time. But also it takes several days to get approved. You have to send in a lot of stuff. It's a whole process. It takes you several days. Who knows if it takes an average person several days. No, it takes everybody.
Starting point is 00:05:36 Nick has supplied some more info. He said, only on first for a few hours, unfortunately. Eric made the call on the day we turned in the final version. So it was a mad dash to edit so eric said day of it needs to be bleeped is that what you're saying i guess so based on what nick said well i will say people seemed to really like the bleeps day before they liked the bleeps yeah they thought it was they thought it was they thought it was like so so bleepy it was comical because we were talking it. The reason it was bleeped the week before
Starting point is 00:06:06 was because we didn't know whether we were going to talk about it. What we discussed in that one is that it is now fine to talk about. And then after that, we realized Andrew's done the maths wrong. No, my maths was correct. That's what I'm arguing. I don't know why we did that. You yelled at me. It's very possible I did.
Starting point is 00:06:23 But I don't think we needed the bleeps. I think doesn't matter get away from the bleeps i just don't they weren't by the way by the way just just for the audience that is desperately trying to understand what the fuck is going on uh this is the jackie chan tuxedo from the movie tuxedo that we were gonna buy at auction we got rooster tooth to agree to let us spend up to three thousand dollars to buy the tuxedo which they expected to go for $2,000. And then we put it in Andrew's incredibly capable hands. And I knew in the moment we agreed to do that, it was a mistake.
Starting point is 00:06:54 So when I was, I feel like I was the one that was pushing for this idea the hardest. And I thought it would be so funny for us all to watch the auction together and we could bid on it and go through the highs and the lows of trying to secure it. That was my vision for it. Literally every other person
Starting point is 00:07:11 involved with the show was out. They were away. So it was just me by myself. And that was terrifying because I got given the Eric card, which by myself is a lot of responsibility. It was very terrifying to add that to my account. I had an alltime dumb moment where eric sent me the card as two images like the front of the card of the back of the card and he sent me the photo of the front and i was putting that in and i instinctually grabbed my phone and looked at the back of it to put in the bottom the back of the card like i didn't swap photos i'm so used like, looking at a card and then just twisting it over for the verification number. I physically looked at the back of my phone. So that's a great start.
Starting point is 00:07:51 Then I went into the auction, because this is Tuesday, and our lot is until Thursday. And I thought, oh, I've never, like, experienced this before. It could be fun to just kind of get a feel for it and see what, like, maybe I can learn a strategy from this. And so I'm not really paying attention. And item up is like some outfit from star trek like one of the star trek shows and it's expected to go between like six hundred dollars to like a
Starting point is 00:08:16 thousand or something like that and i looked and it was currently at twenty thousand dollars was the the bid active and i wasn't really paying attention. Then I thought I bumped my keyboard, and I was convinced that I placed a $25,000 bid on a piece of Star Trek memorabilia. So that was terrifying. I thought I died. I had to quadruple check, make sure I was all good. That was fine.
Starting point is 00:08:38 Avoid that. So then I was scared to even open the auction. Until tuxedo time. Go ahead. My headphones went off for about two straight minutes there what i miss uh andrew may or may not have accidentally bid twenty two thousand dollars on a star trek outfit okay and so we're not at the tuxedo yet no no okay sorry all right before we get to the tuxedo i just want how would you guys feel i'm just hypothetically throwing this out there how would you feel instead of if we got the tuxedo,
Starting point is 00:09:08 we had like a variety of maybe smaller items that were kind of show related. I wanted to read on that because I was told I could spend to the cap. So if we had extra money after the tuxedo or if we just missed entirely, I could still try to acquire things. Well, no.
Starting point is 00:09:27 I wouldn't say there was any hint of approval for that. No, I asked for it, and I got approval. I didn't, I asked, I talked to Eric about that. I would say it's not worth spending the money on smaller things that we're not as passionate about, unless it's something that really fits. Like, the only thing I was interested in was the tuxedo. So I guess it would,
Starting point is 00:09:48 yeah, it would depend on what the other stuff is. So there's a variety. I put some of them in the chat. They made a, for the fast and furious movie, a Dom Toretto license of Shrek on it. For some reason,
Starting point is 00:09:58 I thought that was great. They were actually auctioned off the bowling hat pins and balls from the bowling scene and the Flintstones movie. It's like that show specific. The thing I was most excited about is right after the tuxedo was the baseball outfit from the Twilight movie and the baseball scene,
Starting point is 00:10:16 which is one of the greatest scenes in that whole series. We're kind of a baseball show, so I thought we had room. We're not really a Twilight show. No, but I mean, we're kind of a baseball show. And it's an iconic baseball podcast. Yeah. And that's the baseball equipment.
Starting point is 00:10:30 I just say uniform and all that. So it got to auction day. I made I made a strategic decision on this. What are you laughing at, Jeff? I fucking hate you. Why do you hate me? I'm just telling you what happened If this doesn't end and that's getting that fucking tuxedo and we spend goddamn Twilight merchandise thousands of dollars on something else
Starting point is 00:10:54 Haven't you that's what you've done. No, I'm not saying any I'm just trying to get to where we're at So I I made a realization I did my research because I was the only one that showed up, and it was my responsibility. I was told strictly cannot go over 3K. That's the max, not a penny over. Doesn't mean go to 3K. No, it's not what I did. You're just making assumptions of what happened.
Starting point is 00:11:15 So I made the choice. Before you tell us, do you predict we're going to be pleased with what you've done or not? No spoilers for that. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. Go ahead. we gonna do you predict we're gonna be pleased with what you've done or not i i no no spoilers for that yeah but let me ask you let me ask you a question let me ask you a question go ahead am i gonna have to am i gonna have to use my founder card to smooth stuff over after this i don't think so uh for a split second i thought that was a special credit card that you have well i do have i am a member of the founders club which does give you a card which gives you
Starting point is 00:11:45 discounts on hotels but this is more like uh founded the company and i can get us out of a jam if i need to right i really hate doing that though no no i would if i would have spent 30,000 on star trek merchandise though i would expect you to use the founder card to literally murder me that would be fine i'd approve that that that decision but so what i learned in the auction is that there's a minimum bid and then there's their projected windows for bids and i think gavin you've said that you've used this site before so maybe you know about this i don't know but essentially the minimum bid is below what their lowest expected amount is but unless the bid hits the lowest expected amount they will not sell you the item
Starting point is 00:12:26 they will just not offer it to you so i think the lowest exactly so i think the lowest bid you could place on the tuxedo was one thousand dollars but their lowest entry point to buy it was two thousand now there's also fees there's's like 30% in additional charges based on how much your bid is. And then there's taxes and there's shipping. So I did the math and I determined that essentially the most we could spend is $2,000.
Starting point is 00:12:55 Which is the floor for getting the tuxedo. I would have paid the extra if you would have texted me. I was told specifically. I also talked about this last time. I warned you that we would need more than that. Yeah, and that we all agreed. Gavin and I both agreed. We said we'd put money in.
Starting point is 00:13:10 Well, you weren't there, first of all. And second of all... I'm always a text away. I'm always a text away. I was told specifically not to cross 3,000. Your issue's with Eric. It is not with me. I was told to not cross 3,000.
Starting point is 00:13:23 So I put 2,000 in. And then I asked Nick if he wanted to do the auction with me. And to not cross 3000. So I put 2000 in and then I asked Nick if he wanted to do the auction with me. And even he was busy. It's something going on at that exact time. So I recorded and Nick captured the video of it. We have the 17 minutes going into the tuxedo and the tuxedo itself. And we had the minimal bid that we could possibly have to get it. If anyone, if a single person would bid a cent over us, I could not counter that based on what my instructions were. And we got to the tuxedo.
Starting point is 00:13:52 Dude, you've done some interpolation with those instructions. Nobody said anything about shipping costs and taxes and stuff. We just told you to spend $3,000 on the damn tuxedo. You are not part of... We would have worked the rest out. Jeff, dictionary kid, shut up for a minute i'm talking about conversations i had with somebody else that wasn't you these are instructions i was getting very responsible here i have been so responsible you're just yelling at me for no
Starting point is 00:14:17 reason so i put the bid in and i watched in fear by myself because nobody else was around and terror and I'm delighted to say that we own the fucking tuxedo not a single bit on it Oh my god! We have it! That is the best news ever! Dude!
Starting point is 00:14:41 Congratulations! Andrew you've taken something you took it on your own and you nailed it that never happens andrew i gotta say i believed in you from the start i knew you were gonna pull this off i was just telling eric the other day we were in california together i was like trust in andrew you always gotta trust andrew he'll never steer you wrong 100 of the time oh my god that's amazing so it was terrifying and as I said I don't know if we're going to release it or what it will look like but there's 17 minutes of me reacting to items in the auction and then watching it happen live and he wanted the auctioneer wanted so badly for any
Starting point is 00:15:18 other action from anyone he was desperate he was like this is I would just wear this out this is a great tuxedo this is fantastic going once this is a great tuxedo this is fantastic going once this is a great tux everyone look at how great this jackie chan wore this going to a fair warning than a lot of tuxedos i looked at it it's cheaper well it's not cheaper it's like 700 more than buying an armani tux from from like new correct yeah it's not that much of a difference we got a savings and we got the full outfit we got a shirt that has harness holes in the back of it we're missing a few buttons but we can make it work can you imagine buying that tuxedo just in a store and then they offer you a 700 upgrade to jackie chan's one you would do it right it's not that
Starting point is 00:16:01 much more that's great i love the idea of them offering that as an option of like okay so you could get this one or jackie chan has worn this seven hundred dollars more what do you think jackie chan's jackie chan did kung fu in that tuxedo and we're gonna we own it now yeah and we own the one from it's not even a situation where it sounds like there were multiples like this was the one this is what they used this was the fucking thing so that was exciting and terrifying i was just sweating yelling like fucking hit the hit the gavel hit it because like still one was stole why are you stalling why like he kept stretching it out dude yeah it was terrible uh it was very exciting i uh he kept stretching it out. Yeah, we had to.
Starting point is 00:16:46 It was very exciting. I had had it in my head that we were going to end up with like a catcher's mitt from Twilight and Dominic Toretto's Shrek driver's license. And I just wanted, in my head, I'd already worked through it. We were just going to put it on display just like we were going to do with the tuxedo. But it was just going to be like in a glass case all bundled together that just said not the tuxedo I genuinely was excited about the twilight baseball thing after it but it went for $4,000 so it went
Starting point is 00:17:15 way over it was huge like people that's an iconic scene from that movie yeah I also had the thought of like okay now I have it I'm the only one here that that knows that how much do i want to fuck with you two about the fact we missed it or not a tremendous amount i would imagine what could i do a little bit but i didn't want it to be like so exhausting that you weren't even excited that we got it like i felt like there's a fine line of like reverse salad creaming of where i did the right thing but i still still fucked it up. I didn't think you had it at all.
Starting point is 00:17:45 Because Jeff and I had to trick the universe yesterday into hanging out at the last second, and we were both pretty convinced that we didn't have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. Oh, man, but we did knock off a bucket list thing yesterday, and we filmed it. Oh, yeah. Shall I post it in the Discord?
Starting point is 00:18:02 Uh, yeah, yeah, might as well. But let me just say... Oh, you make a pizza? All kidding aside, Andrew, I know a second ago I did the funny thing where I was like, I talked about how I always believed in you and I never doubted you for a second.
Starting point is 00:18:15 All kidding aside, I didn't for one second think you would pull this off. I was convinced you would screw it up, and you didn't. And I want you to know you have got the biggest get out of salad creaming free card from me uh do you can cash in whenever you want the uh final you've got it you've got to like get out of greg free card where like next time whatever it is i
Starting point is 00:18:39 don't care i'll just why i will turn the other cheek between the fees and the shipping and everything. It costs like two thousand seven hundred dollars for the tuxedo. That is so we went under the cap. So we're great. That is a bargain. But I'd love to see what bucket list. I'm assuming it's the pizza would be my guess. No, no.
Starting point is 00:18:57 OK, well, first off, let me just say this. I mentioned kind of hilariously that Gavin and and i tried to go to vegas together for a vacation and i was going to go to the nba finals and uh emily got covid and so the like two days before the trip we had to cancel right well in the back of our heads it was okay because two weeks later i had this trip to vidcon in anaheim that I had to go do a panel at, which if you don't know what VidCon is, you're lucky. Don't look it up. You don't need to know.
Starting point is 00:19:30 It's not a fun time. Although I did get to experience Eric Bedore experience VidCon for the first time. I wish he was here to talk about it. It was really funny watching his unfiltered opinions of everything that was going on. Anyway, so because of that, I said, hey, Emily, let's go back. Before the pandemic started, we went to Disneyland with Vanessa, who's one of the early bats.
Starting point is 00:19:53 She's one of the people that got the bat, the original bats. Emily's best friend and her husband. And so we planned to use my work trip to go to Disneyland. And so I went down there. They were going to meet me the next day. Emily got in, flew down. I did my panel for VidCon, got out of my panel, met Eric. We did a
Starting point is 00:20:12 podcast, a different podcast, just the two of us for an on-face podcast. We did the animal one. Got out of that podcast. Emily called me and was like, Henry collapsed. He had a heart problem. We have to go back home. And we immediately got on a plane and went back to Austin. Henry's fine, by the way. He's okay. But so we had to leave in the middle of the trip and I'd never stepped foot in Disneyland
Starting point is 00:20:35 and we had to come home, but we made lemonade. Co-Gavin and I went jet skiing on Sunday. I see you've posted a video. Oh yeah, yeah. I meant to say, Gavin, I went jet skiing. And then at that point in my head, the video would play for everybody. Okay. But you probably have to hit play video. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I meant to say damn it I went jet skiing and then at that point in my head the video would play for everybody Oh, you probably have to hit play. Oh, yeah, play on this. Okay. I'm anticipating this being a certain thing
Starting point is 00:20:52 I'm gonna watch this. It's eight seconds I feel like that was the least thrilling version of what just happened, but that is definitely a bucket list item. That is a high C's high five, buddy. Gavin and I did a high five on jet skis. And that cheer, that shout from me after it happens, that isn't me cheering. That's me screaming in agony because it hurts so much. Even at like 5,000 hours,
Starting point is 00:21:24 which I think is the slowest I can go on that thing. It hurts so much. Even at like 5 miles an hour, which I think is the slowest I can go on that thing. It hurt so much. My hand hurt for like 4 hours after we went. I kept looking over and he was like, he shook it for the rest of the day. So, we're working our way up though. That's a 5 mile an hour high five on jet skis. Yes, that's the final attempt. We did it three times.
Starting point is 00:21:46 The first time we did definitely hit each other. The one before that, we high fived and I immediately crashed into Jeff's jet ski, which caused Emily to rock back and accidentally stop recording. Oh no! So next time, we don't have a video of that? We do, but this one...
Starting point is 00:22:04 Oh, I feel like that's the better video, honestly. But this was the much better high five. The one that Gavin should. Yeah. But I feel like the footage is better for the other one. This is just like a, it's good,
Starting point is 00:22:14 but it's not, I don't know. So the next, next step is we got to hit ramps. We're going to do it in the air. That's a huge step. That's what do you mean? That's the next step.
Starting point is 00:22:24 I feel like there's so many steps between those two things. What about aiming for like seven miles per hour instead of adding air? Is this another one? Is this the crash one? This is where I yell at him. So you're riding up. Well, that's the good one again. There's a little bit of...
Starting point is 00:22:48 No, that was the... That was the bump and then Emily almost fell off and stopped recording back there. And what you can't see really in that one is that I'm like stuck sideways at the beginning because for some reason the jet ski turned off. So for the run up of that I'm trying to figure out how to turn on my jet ski again.
Starting point is 00:23:04 That was fun! Yeah! I mean it looks great. So for the run up of that, I'm trying to figure out how to turn on my jet ski again. That was fun. Yeah. I mean, it looks great. I think it's a great starting point. We definitely now know that this is possible. Oh, super possible. Super possible.
Starting point is 00:23:16 Working out the specific proof of concept. Fantastic. Yeah, it's a great way to put it. The most badass bike stunt starts with the smallest of bunny hops. It takes a little bit of time. Yeah, work your way up. We're going to get there.. We're gonna get there. We're gonna get there. I can't wait. And Gavin and I made a lot of lemonade
Starting point is 00:23:29 out of the fact that I have had two vacations in a row cancelled. And this one literally, Emily flew to LA. Emily flew to LA, had lunch, and then got back on a plane and went home. She slept in the same bed the whole time. Oh,
Starting point is 00:23:45 it's terrible. Oh my God. Speaking of another adorable thing Henry did, let me show you a photo. I'll, oh man. Is it the least favorite
Starting point is 00:23:57 thing for you guys when I have to try to do this stuff? really, well, it depends. Sometimes it can be so bad it's great.
Starting point is 00:24:06 If it's just in the middle, it not as fun this is on the day before we left for for los angeles i was working on my laptop and i set it down on this little bench little leather bench by my bed and when i came back five minutes later see henry uh henry is uh he's he's an elder gentleman now so uh we dress him at all times in a bow tie and a diaper because he's uh he has accidents i forgot to put the diaper on him and he uh he peed 37 gallons directly onto my laptop so when I came back to pick up my laptop, it just fell out of all the ports. That's so much piss. That's a colossal amount of piss.
Starting point is 00:24:52 Can we just talk about how unironically the picture's the wrong way as well? Yeah, well, it's me. I was thinking about the classic Jeff photo. So I had to buy a new laptop that day. No! Just dead. Oh, no! straight up dead uh he didn't mean it no i can't that's so much it looks like a rorschach of piss like the way that it bends and out of all the places from the p i'm glad it's not on my laptop piss boiled i got a brand new MacBook Air.
Starting point is 00:25:27 So, I mean, it's the M1 chipset. Hey, congratulations. A brand new old MacBook Air. It's obsolete as of July. I needed a laptop for work. So what am I going to do? Could you just wait a month for, you know, to not have a laptop? No.
Starting point is 00:25:46 Another funny thing, while we're talking about shit that's costing me money, did I tell you guys that I wrecked my car recently? You wrecked my car? I wrecked your car. Not bad. Not bad.
Starting point is 00:25:59 So I have two cars and a one-car garage, or one-car driveway. And so when I had my yard work done, I had them eke out as much of a second area as possible. So now I have a one and three-quarter driveway. So to get my car in the driveway requires some Austin Powers-ing around shit. But I'm used to it.
Starting point is 00:26:20 I'm good at it. I enjoy the challenge. But the other day, I was in a hurry. About a month ago, I was in a hurry. And I was just taking Millie somewhere. And I was stressed out. And I wasn't at it. I enjoy the challenge. But the other day I was in a hurry. About a month ago, I was in a hurry. And I was just like taking Millie somewhere. And I was stressed out. And I wasn't paying attention. And I clipped this pole pulling out of my driveway.
Starting point is 00:26:32 And so I just scraped a bunch of paint off the driver's side of my passenger or my rear door. And so I took it to a collision place. Or I took it to BMW. And then they told me the place to get it repaired. And so I took it to a collision place or I took it to BMW and then they told me the place to get it repaired. And so I took it to these guys. I had to get on a waiting list for three weeks because they're so busy. Finally, last Wednesday, I dropped it off because I was going out of town. I was going to be at VidCon and Disneyland and whatnot.
Starting point is 00:26:58 I drop it off and then I start immediately getting like really verbose texts from them like, Hey, I just want to let you know we removed the quarter panel and we started spraying the quarter panel and when that's done, then we're going to do this and that and just like a ton of information. It's like really cool.
Starting point is 00:27:12 Then at Friday, while Emily and I were running around trying to get back to Austin, I missed a couple of phone calls and I thought that's weird and I was ignoring it because I was trying to drive from Anaheim back to LAX
Starting point is 00:27:23 and book a flight and stuff. And I got a text because I was trying to drive from Anaheim back to LAX and book a flight and stuff. And I got a text after that that was like, hey, it's so-and-so from the collision place. Hey, give me a call on Monday about your car when you get a chance. And I looked at Emily and I thought, that's bad. And she's like, what do you mean? He just wants you to talk
Starting point is 00:27:39 on Monday. And I'm like, yeah, but every other text I've gotten from these guys has been really informed. Like, overly so. And this'm like, yeah, but every other text I've gotten from these guys has been really informed, like overly so, you know? And, uh, and this is just sort of a, sort of a, Hey, just give me a call when you get a chance, uh, very vague. And I thought like, that's not, they've, they've done something to my car. And she's like, you're being paranoid. So this morning when I woke up, the first thing I did was call them. And, uh, he was like, yeah, gee, uh, really sorry about this. We had your car all ready.
Starting point is 00:28:06 It was all painted and we got it all set up. And then we were going to drive it over to BMW for a certification. We got to certify these cameras or whatever and get them calibrated there. And we were pulling out and, well, we got into a car accident with your car. No. No. They wrecked my car. After they fixed it, they wrecked it.
Starting point is 00:28:29 So they're like, you know, obviously we're going to repair it and we'll get it certified by BMW and it won't cost you a dime and we're really sorry, but we're going to need it another week because we wrecked your car. What did they do? Did they hit another car? Or they just... They got something... Somebody in a...
Starting point is 00:28:46 Somebody in a truck ran into it. Oh, my God. While they... So, when do you... You get your car back next week? At this point? I was supposed to get it today. Now, I think hopefully I get it Friday.
Starting point is 00:29:08 Emily was like, man, you were way cooler about that than I would have been. And I was just like, what are you going to do? I mean, as long as it's there, sure, it's right. It's just time. They're fixing it. But it's like, at this point, like, sure, why not? Throw it on the pile. Fucking.
Starting point is 00:29:22 Who fucking cares? on the pile fucking cares i already we already ate two entire vacations to vegas and disneyland in the last two weeks why not i just bought a new laptop for no reason like i'm trying to look at the raw shack of piss to see if there's a car crash and then i can spot oh my god so when did the laptop happen in relation to the car was this after yeah i the laptop i dropped the car off wednesday morning henry peed on the laptop wednesday afternoon okay so you didn't know that your car was gonna get destroyed i didn't find out my car was destroyed until until well today but i had an i had an inkling on Friday evening that something was wrong. Or maybe Tuesday I dropped my car.
Starting point is 00:30:07 Anyway, yeah, it had been there for a couple days. That's incredible. So par for the course, things are going about like pretty normal in Jeff's world. Just wanted to give you guys an update. I almost said it in bed this morning. I told Emily, I said, on the bright side,
Starting point is 00:30:24 at least nothing's happened to the... And she goes, shut up! So I didn't actually say it out loud. It's an annoying step to verify the cameras. Is it like if they swap parts, they don't work until BMW sign off on it? I don't know. I think because it's like...
Starting point is 00:30:40 Because it's a... BMW like certifies their cars and the repairs and stuff. So they only work with certain body shops. And then there's a yeah, I guess they have to like do it on it. I don't know. I'm on my phone quite a bit, whether it's using social media apps or maybe getting food delivered and all sorts of reasons why I use it. But the scary part is, is that your phone carrier collects data on whatever it is you're doing.
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Starting point is 00:35:17 slash face. So I might be able to turn your day around a little bit, Jeff, with telling you about some victories you've had against me without even knowing it. I'm also, I'm losing money too. Try to fight you in ways you don't even know. I'm down $80 at this point.
Starting point is 00:35:35 I don't want to fight you. Why are we fighting? So this goes all the way back to when you mailed me the giant thing, a bubble wrap. That was part one of this. You were so kind, being thoughtful, taking care of me. Why make sure I'm okay? You sent me a giant thing, a bubble wrap from Amazon. So I decided that I need to return the favor because no, I love giving gifts to people. It's such a great feeling, you know, show somebody that you care
Starting point is 00:36:03 about. You love them, get them something nice. So you got me the bubble wrap, and I was laying in bed, I couldn't sleep, and I thought, what would be a great gift for Jeff? And then I just thought, what is the most amount of bananas I could send Jeff at one time? Because you're a big banana guy. You love bananas. So I hopped on. I would say I like bananas about as much as emily likes like an average amount i'm a b minus banana you're a b minus banana fan so i i went on and i made an
Starting point is 00:36:35 account i used the free trial for amazon prime on amazon.com and they have a fresh section where it's like a grocery delivery service they have yes i'm familiar and i it was it was like 1 a.m and i was like you know what these are pretty cheap they're two pounds a bag i'm gonna send jeff a thousand pounds of bananas tomorrow i'm just gonna do this so i did it i had sent and then i went to go back to sleep again. And I did this from my tablet. 1,000 pounds? I sent Jeff 1,000 pounds of bananas. A ton of bananas? I sent 500 two-pound bags, and I hit clear. And then,
Starting point is 00:37:14 because I'm unfortunately not a bad enough person, I thought about it, and I was like, you know what? I don't know what, maybe something's happening to Jeff's life. I don't know his schedule. I didn't want it to be like Todd Margaret where all the food and all the
Starting point is 00:37:29 animals take over the house. Like they like a bunch of animals and eat a thousand pounds and scattered everywhere. And there's moving to your home. I felt really bad about it. So I canceled the order five minutes later and I went back to bed and I just went about my day. And that evening happened to be a very
Starting point is 00:37:47 important family dinner that i was paying for that i was i was going to cover it was like this built up dinner it was very exciting i was so happy about it and i get to the place and i give them my card and they say uh it doesn't it's not going through and i thought oh that's weird so then i gave them my other card and they told me yeah This one isn't going through either and that's that's all the money I have so I'm like what is I? Don't give me a minute. I'm gonna try to I got to figure this out So I left and I had to search thankfully I had cash. I never have cash. I just happen to have cash I was able to pay for it
Starting point is 00:38:21 but I couldn't figure out what was wrong and so i was looking at my phone and they they deactivated my account because i bought so many bananas they thought it was a fraudulent charge i got a text at like 2 a.m that i just hadn't i didn't notice and my account had been locked the entire time so then i was on hold for like two hours that evening trying to get them to unlock my account didn't work so i've lost i've lost time at this point for jeff and this this issue and that fell apart it was a disaster so i was able to get the dinner everything was okay but i almost couldn't buy this really important built-up dinner because i bought 500 bags of bananas to be sent to jeff's house so that was having to explain to people like there was a moment where i thought i might not be able to get this and having to explain why it was ridiculous.
Starting point is 00:39:08 So then that happened. Some time passes. We're nearing episode 100. And I thought, you know what? This could be a great time. The way that we had to record that episode, we'd have a two hour window. I am going to send Jeff like 600. I was reduced.
Starting point is 00:39:25 I realized. So how Amazon Fresh works is let's say you want to send Jeff like 600. I was reduced. I realized. So how Amazon Fresh works is let's say you want to buy a thousand bananas. You put in a thousand and they'll say, I can't do it, but we do have 700. So I just always put in a high number and see whatever the max is. So for episode 100, I thought I'm going to do this again. So I signed up for Amazon Prime again and I was getting ready to do it. But then I had a thought of like, well, I don't know. You know what's going on with jeff and then jeff you had uh you almost quit this podcast because
Starting point is 00:39:49 of the dinger video of you missing like it was you're not happy so then i was like i cannot send this man 800 pounds of bananas this is not a good time i'm gonna just hold off on this so i held off and i hadn't thought about it until last week. I'm looking at my credit card statement and I notice a twenty dollar charge from Amazon and I don't know what it is. And I look at all my accounts. I can't figure out. I didn't order anything. I realized I forgot to cancel the trial from episode one hundred. So I've been being billed twenty dollars a month for the past three months because I just forgot to turn it off so that's I'm now down $80 in like three hours of time and I've almost ruined a family dinner then last week I don't
Starting point is 00:40:33 want to get into like the specific I had one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time oh no just terrible so sorry buddy and I missed I missed a break shit because of it that I was going to be on. I was excited about it. And so I watched it. I watched it on like Saturday night. And I'm having the worst week. I'm just a miserable, not good. And you took a shot at me. And it hurt my feelings because of the week as a whole.
Starting point is 00:40:59 I was angry. Well, that's how I felt with the Dinger video. I was at a weak point. and you took a shot at me when I wasn't prepared. What shot did I take? I'm very sorry. Eric played the soundboard and then you said that's as much as Andrew contributes normally. And I was like, I fucking hate you.
Starting point is 00:41:17 Because it's tough and I try really hard on that show and that's like one of my anxiety points. I know that it's something you are frequently nervous about just because it's live and it's hard to get words in and all that. So I was mad at you and I thought, this motherfucker. And I've just had a bad week. So I thought, oh, you know what this guy loves?
Starting point is 00:41:35 He fucking loves swimming pools. He loves swimming. What can I do? What can I do to the kindness of my heart? I noticed last time I was on there, they sold gallons of water for 89 cents each. And I was like, oh, you know what? I want to be really nice to Jeff. I'll buy him some water for his pool. So when his pool gets there, he'll have the water to put it in. Let's buy some water for Jeff. And so I went to load up as much as they could. And since 100 in that time, they have
Starting point is 00:42:00 changed their system. I could only send you a max. Everything had order amounts to it. I couldn't go for the max. I can only send you three gallons at a time and I couldn't regularly schedule it. So I wanted to send you 10 gallons of water every day for the month of July, but they would only let me send three per week. So that was ruined. And I was like, well, that was pointless. I can't even do anything with this. I'm down another 20 for another month of Amazon.
Starting point is 00:42:27 I'm down $80 in three hours. And you keep beating me and you have no idea that this is even happening. It has been an infuriating one-sided losing war. Oh, man. Well, for the record, congratulations. I think that you single-handedly are changing the way Google Amazon, or Google Amazon.
Starting point is 00:42:48 You single-handedly are changing the way Amazon Fresh works. It sounds like they're having to put protections in place in the app because of you. And then I have no memory of saying that joke,
Starting point is 00:42:59 but it's very funny and it sounds like something I would say, so I'll take your word for it. Yeah, I was not happy about it. Are you over it now? Are you over it now now are you still mad no I mean I still don't love it but it's I'm not upset with you about it I mean I didn't mean it it was just a joke do you do you think any of your bad week originated in in your sock choice for the week oh maybe I need to get into socks because i i don't i'm not a socks guy so maybe
Starting point is 00:43:27 have you had what are the updated results of your your sock work um pretty okay just been still avoiding those red new ones yeah you still haven't tried them still not still not going to use them i will say andrew you sent me a lovely uh birthday. It was a get well soon card, but it was re-skinned as a, as a birthday card. It's a banana on roller skates with a cup of coffee and a boom box. And he says, he says, just wanted to say yellow.
Starting point is 00:43:57 Hope you're peeling well. And I am peeling well. And I thank you for the happy birthday card. And it meant a lot to me. Andrew also sent me a link to a YouTube video in he just wrote out the link to the YouTube video in the card and Emily and I both spent about 45 minutes trying to different permutations to figure out how to get it to work we eventually gave up decided that it's just miss it he just wrote it down wrong and uh mentioned it to him and he says i don't remember
Starting point is 00:44:25 what it was how unsatisfying yeah well okay so the thought process with that was i just thought it was absurd to write a link in physical form and so much work for the person who's getting it yeah it was and so i pulled up a youtube video of a happy birthday song and then i just changed one of the numbers and made sure it went, and then I just changed one of the numbers and made sure it went nowhere, and then I just wrote that. So everything is right but one number, and I was hoping that you would try multiple times and that it would be in a night.
Starting point is 00:44:55 I didn't. We tried. I gave up, and Emily's like, I'll try. And then she tried for a while, and then eventually I was like, I bet. The whole time I'm like, I don't know that this was ever supposed to work to begin with this might have been a whole point of the card uh i just wanted i had a card and i thought i'll send this
Starting point is 00:45:13 to jeff i don't know maybe i'll get into maybe letter writing become a thing i get into jeff had a little birthday party it was it was quality oh yeah happy birthday. Happy birthday to Jeff. Thanks, man. I did. I forgot. That was two weekends ago. We went swimming. We had a little... I rented a swim... Or Emily rented a swimming pool for us, and we went swimming for the day.
Starting point is 00:45:32 Did you post any videos of that? I don't think so, no. Did you? I don't know. Should we show Andrew the one of you on the diving board? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard there was diving. If you have it.
Starting point is 00:45:44 Oh, there's lots of diving. It was a big- the diving board? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard there was diving. If you have it. Oh, there's lots of diving. It was a big-ass diving board. Are you still feeling the effects of being bitten by a swan? Do you still feel like 20% more graceful than you did before? No, I feel... No, I'm back to normal.
Starting point is 00:45:55 Also, I tried desperately to show Gavin and Meg the swan, but he was not there yesterday. It's true. He did not make an appearance. Are you... Are we waiting until he's looking for his phone i did get this i'm very excited oh hey congratulations thank you
Starting point is 00:46:15 oh it's it's a it's gonna be in the slack oh okay yeah file size too big it's just too powerful i'm excited so is this you, because you dove through a ring last time, right? It was the last diving video we got of you. What type of dive are we looking at here? I don't even know. There was that much diving that you don't even, you can't recall? We just dove. I dove for like four hours straight.
Starting point is 00:46:38 At one point, I dove all my limbs through individual little hoops. Gavin had the dive of the day. The absolute dive of the day. We had this... Well, watch this and then... Okay, I'm going to watch this. Oh, it's a slow motion Jeff dive.
Starting point is 00:46:57 Doing a little wave, little Queen's wave transition. Amazing form. Looks like you missed the pool entirely. Oh, there we go go there's the water it's like an infinity pool with a diving pool on the other side I see it just looks like it fell
Starting point is 00:47:14 off the world it does it looks like you just vanished that should be a seven second clip I'm not sure why it's a minute long but that's that's pretty much it just like untrimmed it ah it was fun That's pretty much it. Just like untrimmed it. It was fun. I've never experienced a cheer so big in my life.
Starting point is 00:47:34 We were just trying to do funny dives after a while, like diving through the rubber ring. And then there were these little like, tossed like, what was it? Ring toss hoops. Yeah, it was like blow up ring toss for like a floating flamingo. Yeah, and then suddenly there was just like four of them flowing in the diving area so i just i did a little springy dive jump
Starting point is 00:47:50 straight up the air then tried to thread both legs and both arms through the hoops and i just came crashing down on them and i couldn't really tell what happened and then i realized as i was slowly floating to the surface being pulled up by the hoops and i arose from the water with one on each limb and everyone was just like ah yeah it was a really big accomplishment he he's currently the he currently is the world champion at uh at uh limb spear uh i did i did it i was like i we'd been trying it for a while my best was two I got both legs in Emily got three two arms and a leg and then Gavin showed up and just nailed it and then he floated to the top like in slow motion it was it was really cool I wish we'd have been filming that
Starting point is 00:48:38 moment because it was definitely the dive of the year Gavin has dive of the year hands down in 80s and 90s movies where the movie ends on a freeze frame with the main guy smiling and everyone around him celebrating, it felt like that moment. It felt like the first freeze frame moment of my life. I would actually love to see a strictly looked at, viewed dive of the year competition. I want there to be a dive of the year.
Starting point is 00:49:05 I want to be able to see there's a leaderboard of what dive of the year competition. I want there to be a dive of the year. Like I want to be able to see there's a leaderboard of what dive of the year is. A dive of the year every year would be fantastic. Maybe that's something we should get into. Declaring the official dive of the year. Are you a dive guy, Andrew? No, I wouldn't say I'm a dive. I enjoy falling. The falling part is fun, but not a dive.
Starting point is 00:49:24 It's the coordination. The lack of coordination is really is fun, but not a dive. It's the coordination. The lack of coordination is really the issue with me with the dive. But the jumping off of a thing, always good. Yeah, that was my first experience with a bouncy diving board. It was very fun. Really? Yeah. As opposed to what?
Starting point is 00:49:41 What do you mean? A rigid one. If you're at a high dive pool or something, it's just like a big solid one instead of a springy one. Yeah. And this is like, this is, so I consider myself pretty familiar with diving boards. I realize. This is like the diving board you would find at a public pool in the 80s. That's like extra springy, like extra, extra springy.
Starting point is 00:50:06 It's got like, it's like twice the size of, like you think of a diving board in a backyard pool and you go like boing, boing and you go in, right? This thing's got handrails. It's like three times as long
Starting point is 00:50:17 as a regular diving board. Like this is a diving board we've been, I think, probably illegal in the city of Austin, but this is out in the fucking boonies, which is why we rent it.
Starting point is 00:50:27 Uh, and we go out there and dive a lot. You can get, I don't know. You can get a good 15 feet in the air off this diving board. If you jump in hard enough, like it is fucking serious. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:35 I rewatched the video. The spring is insane. I don't think I've ever seen a board with that much spring to it. And then the pool that it dives into is like 12 feet deep. So you can get really nice and fucking into it. It's good. I like that. I have no concept of the pool that it dives into is like 12 feet deep. So you can get really nice and fucking into it. It's good. I like that. I have no concept of the pool that you actually dive into.
Starting point is 00:50:49 I haven't seen a single actual dive from the angle that you have. We, uh, we, it was funny because I was just diving pretty much throughout the day, but like everybody else had to work their way up to diving off that diving board. Trevor, all those guys were like, oh, I'll give it a shot eventually. And then once everybody did and they realized how much fun it was, you couldn't keep them off. It's great. Hey, I had a dream about you last night, Gavin.
Starting point is 00:51:12 Yeah, it's not good. So yeah, go ahead. It was weird. And I don't know what to think about it. But the dream started with me on your front porch pushing your doorbell. Okay, I'm pushing the doorbell. And then I push the doorbell. And as soon as I push it, I think, why did I do that?
Starting point is 00:51:31 And then I look down and I'm like, why am I on Gavin and Meg's front porch? Am I bringing something to them? And I look around like I must be delivering something to them. And I look around and I got nothing. And I'm like, did I forget it? What did I forget? What was I bringing? Am I even bringing something?
Starting point is 00:51:44 Was I supposed to tell him something? What am I supposed to tell him? And then I thought, oh no, what time of day is it? Is it even like an appropriate time to ring their doorbell? And I look at my watch and it's 9 a.m. And I think, is 9 a.m. appropriate? Is it too early? It's a little early.
Starting point is 00:51:58 And then I'm like, how did I get here? And right then I hear Gavin and Meg, like, because it's a dream, right? So I hear them in their bedroom, in bed, clearly as if it's filtering through the house. And I hear Gavin go, what? Oh, wow, rings a doorbell. And Meg's like, it's too early in the morning.
Starting point is 00:52:19 And he's like, we're still in bed. And they're just narrating all of my fears. He's like, we're still in bed. And they're just narrating all of my fears. He's like, it better be important. And Meg's like, it's not going to be important. It's not going to be worth it. Don't go. And he's like, I've got to. They rang the bell.
Starting point is 00:52:34 They wouldn't if they didn't need me. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And Gavin's like, I've got to put shoes on. And I can hear him putting shoes on in the bedroom. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm screwed what do I do he's gonna be so mad at me Meg's gonna hate me and I'm like looking where to hide and I'm like trying to hide behind a plant that's on your thing I'm like that's not gonna work and
Starting point is 00:52:53 I run into your garage and I can't get your garage open and then I'm like oh I'm tampering with their house and then I run around the other side and there's like a fence and I'm like just trying to figure out where to hide so that you don't get mad at yelling me. And then I realize, oh my God, he's got cameras. He'll just see me running around his house. I better just face the music. And I'm like, oh, so I just like, fuck it. And I walk up to the front door and I like have my head down
Starting point is 00:53:14 and I just stand in front of your front door and I can just hear you coming through the house going, I just can't fucking believe it. It's a Saturday. And Meg's like, tell him to go away. And I can just hear you stomping. And they're like, oh, the cat's in the way. And then right as you get to the door,
Starting point is 00:53:30 and I can hear you opening the front door. And I'm like, this is going to end our friendship. And then I woke up. Oh. The saddest part about that dream is there's an alternate version where it's just the entire time Gavin's struggling with an unflushable toilet
Starting point is 00:53:45 that's the real loss yeah I'm surprised you didn't hear me check in the breaker none of that made it into the dream it wasn't even you trying to turn off my morning shit no I didn't know why I was there and then I was so scared that I had inconvenienced
Starting point is 00:54:02 you and Meg and that it was going to end our friendship and I was just like terrified hearing you stomp down a hallway, uh, to get to the front door. And then right when you were about to let me have it, I woke up. I mean, that could all be real except I, you would never be terrified. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to ask, have you ever been intimidated by Gavin?
Starting point is 00:54:22 No. I don't think anyone ever has. I hit him too hard once and I felt really bad about it, but I wasn't intimidated. I just felt guilty. Oh, what was that one? It was when we were at MCM in London. Me, you, and Dan, and I think Ben King were selling like griff balls out of a booth. And I smacked you in the side of the head but I I hit you like on the ear really hard and it was solid and
Starting point is 00:54:48 you looked at me like like what the fuck is wrong with you and I remember thinking like I shouldn't have done that I feel bad and then you shook it off but you were mad at me shake it up did I get you back do you think no I don't think so oh I think you were too mad
Starting point is 00:55:04 to get me back or maybe you think? No, I don't think so. Oh, interesting. I think you were too mad to get me back. Or maybe you did and I never knew about it. That was the year we watched Dan pee in that vodka bottle and overfill it. Yeah, Dan, at those conventions, there wasn't that we knew about any sort of like vendor exclusive toilets, so you just kind of had to get in the big line
Starting point is 00:55:22 and Dan was really busting. And he'd also just been slowly working his way through this bottle of vodka. I think all of us had at the booth. And then he decided he would just piss in that. And it was like a pretty sizable bottle. But he underestimated the size of his bladder. And he completely brimmed this bottle. And he didn't know what to do.
Starting point is 00:55:41 So he was just like, what do I do, B? He was like, oh, no. Oh, no. And he just ended up with like the bottle cap in one hand the bottle in the other both of his hands went up and he just had to like ride it out he was just pissing on the carpet no three feet from people in the fucking line to buy T-shirts. Yeah, it was like around the back of the stop. It was behind a wall of boxes and a curtain. What an animal. Oh, man. Have you guys seen Jurassic Park, the new one? No.
Starting point is 00:56:16 No. Emily and I saw it with our newfound time in Austin. And it's not good, first off. And it's 100 hours long. It's very long. It's got some funny moments. Jeff's 100 it's 100 hours long it's very long it's got some funny moments Jeff Goldblum's funny there's a few it's got some terrible characters uh I can't I'd say it's about as bad as the previous one um but you know it's cool to see dinosaurs and stuff but anyway we were we were seeing that out on the draft house and uh it was
Starting point is 00:56:39 a fucking loud movie right and then I uh I had been like slipping farts out all night long, you know, because I was real gassy. And I think we'd eaten like Mexican food or something earlier. So I was just like ripping farts. But it's so fucking loud. Like dinosaurs are screaming and I'm just like, whatever. And I like, what are those, what are the dinosaurs that kill Newman in the first one?
Starting point is 00:57:02 They spit shit at you? I don't know what they're called, but they terrified me. Campies or something like that. I think those are the little ones, the campies. Oh, okay. Whatever they are, those things.
Starting point is 00:57:12 I think campies got Peter Stormare. Yeah. Oh, right, right, right. So there's a scene where that dinosaur is about to spray on, I think Laura Dern, maybe. I don't remember.
Starting point is 00:57:21 One of the characters. And it just gets, like, insanely quiet. And I just, I wasn't anticipating that One of the characters. And it just gets insanely quiet. And I wasn't anticipating that part of it because it's been such a loud movie. So I like, right, because it's still pretty loud, I try to slip out a real quiet fart.
Starting point is 00:57:35 But as Emily said, it sounded like ripping leather. It just was like... And it was right when that tense moment where the dinosaur and her face each other and the movie just goes completely silent so all you could hear in the entire movie theater was
Starting point is 00:57:50 my fart and Emily goes oh my god and then started laughing and she didn't stop laughing she was vibrating the entire rest of the movie for the next 22 minutes laughing and I'm just going shut up shut up, shut up, shut up.
Starting point is 00:58:05 And everybody in the theater heard and hated me. Did anyone laugh? Nobody laughed but Emily. But you heard, you could hear Emily laughing for a long time. And I was like, I was just trying to hold it in because if I started laughing, it would have been over. And so I just like sat there and ate my laughs for like 20 minutes and just while she just like like fucking shook in her chair was this early enough in the
Starting point is 00:58:30 movie that people were still eating uh it was probably 30 minutes to go okay so everyone's probably done with their food probably done with their food at that point yeah dude speaking of farts i've uh i've started using a c-pap because i did a sleep study and they were like yeah you know got a little bit of apnea are you can you do a surgery or something to eliminate it or are you just gonna do c-papping uh i think i'm gonna try c-pap see what goes on just obviously just wear a hose on the front of my face going up my nose and and it's i'm annoyed to be honest that i've got sort of shrunken nostrils considering the size of my nose it's like uh i imagine it like you know when you find old aperture science in portal 2 and there's that giant vault door and then and
Starting point is 00:59:12 then you move that out the way it's just a regular like eight foot human door that's my nostrils with the nose around it so i've got this thing going over my head and uh it like sits under my nose and then and it ramps up the pressure so it detects when you fall asleep giving you like small pressure and then when you fall asleep it starts like really blasting air in and uh i think it's like two hours after i fall asleep i keep waking up completely full of air it's not working right at some point i guess my throat is just going the wrong way and it is just filling my stomach with air and i'm waking up like completely full like a balloon i keep waking up at like three in the morning just like oh god and i'm there just like
Starting point is 00:59:58 i wake up and i pull the thing off my face i'm like and i do like a massive burp and i'm like oh god and then i'm like googling like my sleep perhaps filling me with air and there's like oh yeah it's a pretty common thing that could happen and i was reading like how to get rid of it it's just like well you know sit on a toilet and just file out so i got up it's like three in the morning and i'm not a big fart guy i've got the wimpiest farts. Jeff can attest to this. I sat down at three in the morning on the bowl and it'm just like shrinking down as I'm farting and a lot of it is it's quite satisfying to get all the air out but I just don't
Starting point is 01:00:52 know how to use the CPAP I don't know why it's going down my esophagus I can't keep it in my lungs as soon as that thing kicks up to full pressure it's just filling up my gut so if there's any pappas out there who have any tips I think
Starting point is 01:01:09 Gus and Jack both use it if I'm not wrong Jack had the surgery didn't he maybe he doesn't use it anymore because he had the surgery but I know he used to use the seatbelt I hate it and it's so uncomfortable and I've become a fart guy.
Starting point is 01:01:26 I'm really sort of firing them out now. That's incredible. Can you, like, it sounds like you can replicate this, so you could set it up to record when you go to the bathroom, and you could see how long of a fart you could do. Oh, definitely. Definitely. Record your next bloated fart.
Starting point is 01:01:44 It reminds me, there is this old Kenny versus Spenny episode where it's like these two guys that do competitions and one was like, who could have the biggest fart? And one of them shoved a hose up his ass and would blow air into it and then walk up and have these massive farts in front of the other
Starting point is 01:02:00 guy just to intimidate him. You're just living that life. You're just naturally doing that. Try to correct your sleep. i'm getting filled up in my sleep isn't it fucking bullshit that you try to do anything to make your life better and it just makes it worse like here you are you're just trying to sleep better so you get a c-pap machine and then it tries to kill you yeah i'm just trying to sleep better so Because if we haven't explained sleep apnea, it's kind of where you just stop breathing in the night. You, like, snore and then you stop.
Starting point is 01:02:33 And the CPAP just keeps a constant pressure of air down your throat, down your lungs, just to stop you from stopping breathing. Because it can lead to, like, strokes and all this bad crap. So I'm just trying to get ahead of that. But the way that the insurance works, it's, like, linked to their servers or whatever so i need to use it for a minimum of four hours every night for like 21 out of 30 nights and i've had it for a week and i've not completed four hours just because i keep getting filled with it which means that if i don't be the requirement insurance doesn't pay for anymore and
Starting point is 01:03:05 i get billed i get billed for like twenty five hundred dollars for this stupid what's basically an air pump for my gut twenty five hundred dollars yeah to be filled with air for nightly fart inflations yeah it's bullshit so So, yeah. Money tips, welcome. So you went from not having any air to way too much air. There's no middle. And I was hoping that it would make me feel more rested. I'm having the most
Starting point is 01:03:35 miserable nights of sleep. It's all disjointed. I'm up for two hours and I'm farting for one hour and I'm back to sleep. Maybe you should try the flow the other way and for two hours and I'm farting for one hour and I'm back to sleep. Maybe you should try the flow the other way and stick the CPAP up your butt and try to blow
Starting point is 01:03:51 the farts out the other side. Wow, this was quite an episode. We covered a lot of ground. I guess we should probably stop because Nick asked us to, and I respect Nick in a way that I can't, Eric. So let me just say, Gavin,
Starting point is 01:04:12 for your CPAP revelations, thank you. That has benefited the deep lore of face immensely, and Andrew, I cannot overstate how important
Starting point is 01:04:27 it was that you secured the tuxedo. This is for Ripken's Believe It Cause Why Not. New lines of business. There's no telling. Maybe we'll recreate the tuxedo shot for shot with Gavin in the tuxedo. Who knows? The possibilities
Starting point is 01:04:44 are limitless. I just did a panel about like podcasting as a business and video podcasting and stuff. And I use the Porta Potty as an example of like how to thread merch and content together. And it's just going through like all the stuff that we've done with the Porta Potty. And then like all the things that we still can and potentially will do with the porta potty from
Starting point is 01:05:06 like the, the, like the phone box stuffing to the, the record, the vinyl, all that stuff. The museum, the,
Starting point is 01:05:11 the tuxedo is like that times 10. I cannot imagine the content we'll have thanks to this tuxedo. Uh, yeah. What a great thing for the redemption. Yeah. What a great thing. And I'm telling you,
Starting point is 01:05:23 you gotta, you gotta get out of Greg free card with me, buddy. Anytime want i'm i'm excited to have that i'm gonna i'm gonna remember that i'm gonna keep that in my pocket it's gonna be a clear thing you could have you could shut me you could have shut me down like that could have ended the tater tot thing right there you could have just been like boom I'm excited to use that one day because I absolutely am going to need it. Undeniably, there will be more Greggy in the future by me. I like that we ended up with potentially
Starting point is 01:05:53 two items for our museum. I don't know what's going to happen with Gavin's CPAP machine. If he needs to get a new machine, I think that's a fantastic museum piece. Well, also, we'll have the waveform of him farting, and we'll be able to display that in some other... My CPAP cuss mold in the freaking tuxedo.
Starting point is 01:06:11 It looks like a heart getting adrenaline shoved into it, the waveform of it. It's just massive spikes. Do you think that in the universe of the show, the tuxedo had a CPAP in it? That he could have deployed whenever he needededo had a CPAP in it.
Starting point is 01:06:27 He could have deployed whenever he needed. I think he slept in it. It did everything. He just had to turn the dial to CPAP. I still want to know what mashed potatoes mode is. I'm still thinking about it. They never explain. Was that the mashed potatoes? I thought that was just dance. I'm still thinking about it they never explain well yeah
Starting point is 01:06:46 was that the mashed potatoes I thought that was just dance no there was like a variety of options that they never use in the movie mashed potatoes is one of them a mashed potato is a dance but it could just be a fun wait it is it is but it doesn't it doesn't mean it had to be that dance it could have been anything if you hadn't blown it with the
Starting point is 01:07:02 director we could have asked him on this podcast well you know maybe this tuxedo is another bridge another I could extend another olive branch yeah just be like hey just want you to know we now own the tuxedo from the tuxedo also one quick question what was mashed potato mode
Starting point is 01:07:18 I think that was one of my last email I sent him had a variety of questions that was one of them I believe. Was what is it and how were they decided? All right. Well, I guess we should probably wrap up. That's a tater dance.
Starting point is 01:07:37 Thank you for listening to another episode of the F*** Face podcast. I hope you've enjoyed it. This has been a lively one. If you did enjoy it, or maybe you just, I don't know, accepted that it happened. Maybe you are totally ambivalent towards it. Maybe you didn't even think it was a particularly good episode. Either way, lie about it and tell somebody it was great.
Starting point is 01:07:56 And then give us a bunch of stars. Bye. This dance sucks. Hey guys, Major League Fan Jack with a prediction of what is happening on next week's episode of F*** Face. Once again, the boys are behind, so here's a few guesses. Gavin lost his passport. Pantin still won't go to Vegas.
Starting point is 01:08:14 How do we clean the tuxedo? Let's promote Jack. It's time for a new challenge. And once again, Andrew does not eat the pencil. All that and more on next week's episode of F*** Face.

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