F**kface - Going Ape for Monkey Movies//A Friendship Ends Over Piss [5]

Episode Date: July 1, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about monkey movies, orangutans, game achievements, and messing with people. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Dragon's Dogma 2, the highly anticipated successor to the cult classic Dragon's Dogma, is out now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series S and X, and Steam. Dragon's Dogma 2 is a third-person action RPG boasting a richly detailed and deeply explorable fantasy world created using Capcom's RE Engine's immersive physics, groundbreaking character AI systems, and cutting-edge graphics. Dive into the vast and dynamic world where The Arisen is called upon to fulfill a forgotten destiny across the nations of Vermont, the Kingdom of Humanity, and Batal, the nation of Beastrin.

Dragon's Dogma 2 revolves entirely around choice. Your choice, that is. From the sword and shield-wielding fighter to fighter to the illusion conjuring trickster, there are over 10 unique vocations to choose from that all require experience to unlock new skills. And character customization is out of this world, literally. Oh, and did I mention the combat is really in-depth? It isn't just hacking at a giant's ankle for half an hour while your dodge roll attacks. You can engage enemies from a distance, climb up large foes, stab them in their weak points, use the terrain and trick, trip, or throw foes off high cliffs or raging waters.

Visit dragonsdogma.com to buy the game and start your epic quest today. That's D-R-A-G-O-N-S-D-O-G-M-A.com to learn more. All right. Hold up. God damn it. One, like one second into the fucking podcast

and Eric already ruined it. Hello. This is face. Episode five. We think nobody's entirely sure. To be fair, and Eric already ruined it. Hello, this is F*** Face, episode five, we think. Nobody's entirely sure. To be fair, you try and start the podcast, like I'm still sitting down,

Eric's like got to get out of here, and you just go. How do we know when you're going to go? I told you, let's get started. Is everybody recording? And then I said, I'm on a fucking timetable because I got to record other shit after this. And everybody was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I go, hello. And then eight people talk at once. I'm Jeff. You're Gavin. Where's the Canadian? Is it seriously episode four? No, it's five. I thought it was five. I could swear it was five. Eric's telling us it's four because he missed four. Yeah. And he thinks that the world revolves around him. If he wasn't there for episode four, it never

happened. It came out. It's up. It's on the site. Yeah, I'm pretty sure we did in episode four. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess it had something to do with bathtub racing and uh basket weaving maybe that's i'll be honest jeff i'll be honest i'm disappointed that we got a sponsor i'm very disappointed that it only took four episodes the the podcast is called face i know what are they doing i'm gonna i going to write to both of the sponsors we had last week and ask them if they know what they're sponsoring. It's ridiculous. Oh, man.

It's a really good. I've got to be honest with you. It was weird to do. Eric came to me. He goes, I got some ad reads for you. And I was like, nobody lets me do ad reads. What's it for? And he was like, your podcast. And I went, really? So I did them. They were you. And I was like, nobody lets me do ad reads. What's it for? And he was like, you're a podcast.

And I went, really? So I did them. They were great. It was fun. And they came out, unlike every other ad read I've ever done for Rooster Teeth. Forced anybody else with a pulse to rerecord. So there's no record of me trying to read an ad. Well, if it makes you feel any better, had him removed from some versions i did see that you

did have him removed from some versions thank you for that you were right on top of it oh man how's everybody doing i'm doing pretty good you guys do your homework from last week what was the homework dunstan checks in you guys didn't you didn't watch no i'm waiting to watch that together i'm waiting for like a netflix party did you watch it with Alice? I'm not gonna watch Dunstan checks in again. I watched Dunstan checks in I know I'm not gonna You're gonna make me do that again. It's a great movie. I don't know it's not great It's a it's like a five or four and movie terms It's like a three in terms of monkey movies not a good crazy How wait wait it ranks higher in general movies than it does in movies

yeah because paul rubin's pretty good in it and jason alexander is like being george there's like some good parts to the movie thing not enough monkey got uh rupert everett yeah he's the bad guy right isn't he like the the shitty bad dude what a great bad guy that's a great bad guy he's fine he's not really in it i don't know i'm not watching it again all right andrew uh before we get into anything else now i gotta know what are what are your favorite monkey movies i mean we went on vp2 i think holds a hall of fame ranking that'll that'll be hard to beat but i've been on a tear of watching monkey movies since that conversation i don't know if you guys have seen going ape i'm the only one here that has seen that hell of a monkey movie you guys don't know what going is there's a lot

of monkey movies out there is this like a not established genre am i am i weird for liking monkey movies this much i mean there's a planet of the apes franchise i guess and i remember gorillas in the mist and project x and fuck there are a lot of monkey movies. I feel like they need to be categorized into played by real monkey movies and Andy Serkis monkey movies. Couldn't agree more. Going Ape, though. I can't believe you guys don't know about Going Ape. It's a Tony Danza and Danny DeVito monkey movie from the apes.

Yeah, but an ape isn't a monkey. Well, it's an orangutan. What is an orangutan? Is that a monkey? Orangutan. No, no. I mean, like, they're all primates, right? But they're not all monkeys. Like, King Kong is not a giant monkey. Wait,

orang- orangutan? It's not tan? Orangutan. Wait, no. Are you fucking with me? There's no other G on the end of it. That's just what people say. It's not like a fizzy drink. It's not orangutan. You don't slurp it in space. No.

I can't tell. This isn't a bit. It's not a bit. I thought it was an orangutan my whole life. This is like shocking. It's not that shocking. Wait. It ends with an N.

There's no G. Are you sure about that? No, there's a G in the middle. Is this like an Eric episode four thing? It's a, yeah, essentially. It's a one G word. Orangutans. Holy shit.

That's a terrible name. Who wants to, orangutans. Do you know why they're called that? It's because they're tan colored. That's stupid. That's not true. That bit was, that bit was a lie. That's not, no, I'm not.

That's not happening, Kevin. Not that time. Can I tell you one fact I know? Can I interrupt you to tell you the one thing I know about orangutans other than how to spell the name? That's such a bullshit name, orangutans. Orangutan is way better. Orangutan's way better.

When I found out it was orangutan, I went, that is so much cooler than orangutan. Orangutan sounds like a fucking hook character. It doesn't sound real. I like it here's the one the one fact i know about orangutans which i find to be simultaneously fascinating and kind of heartbreaking a baby orangutan doesn't leave its mother's body for the first probably year year and a half it's alive. Like it hangs on her, like at all times, like there's no pouch, like a pouch creature. A marsupial. A marsupial. Thank you. I could not think of the word kangaroo to save my fucking life for one second. Or koala. Anyway, but it just hangs on its mother the entire time. And then one day it's like, all right, I guess I'm, I guess I'm

grown up enough. And then it heads off into the woods and lives a life of solitude for the rest of its life. Only as a male, a male orangutan. Only coming out of the woods during mating season to procreate and then to go back and live a life of solace again. Orangutans are like the monks of the animal world. So what does it do in the off season, in the non-bang season? It contemplates the universe. It probably does a lot of Tai Chi, wonders what the sound of one hand clapping is. In the off season, in the non-bang season. It contemplates the universe. It's, you know, it probably does a lot of Tai Chi, wonders what the sound of one hand clapping is.

They're very sage creatures. I don't know. They just, they're just, they spend a lot of time alone. It's a fucking monkey. It probably jacks off and sticks its finger up its butt, but it eats bugs. Is the orangutan in Jungle Book a bad guy? No. No, I don't think so. i don't i just it's been

decades since i've seen it and i remember there being a little bit of a kerfuffle with the the orangutans and then he wanted to get away did you ever see the live action remake of that yeah which one the new one that the new initiative disney's doing where they're doing shot for shot no i didn't i didn't see that i haven't seen any of those either. They creep me out, but people seem to fucking love them. Anyway, Andrew, you're going ape. Going ape. It's Tony Danza movie. Danny DeVito.

Tony Danza plays the son of a guy that ran a circus. It was a family run circus. He decides he doesn't want to run the circus. His dad dies and he says, I will give you five million dollars if you take care of my orangutans for five years it kills me to say orangutans it's really this is devastating it pains me but that's the plot and so tony danza and danny devito live in this new york apartment and they need to take care of these five orangutans for five years and if they don't then they don't get any money that's the entire plot of the movie it's great one of the monkeys in a poppy and just drinks a six-pack constantly this movie came out in 1981 and has a

3.9 on IMDb 1981 that to me that I it's I think it's rare to see a movie rate. It's so low on IMDb 3.1 on IMDb maybe 7.1 on IMDb maybe. 7.9 on my monkey scale. Good monkey. Okay. It's up there. How many movies are on the monkey scale? Oh, there's a lot. I mean, three MVPs. You know,

I'm about to... What's the Clint Eastwood... Jeff, do you know the Clint Eastwood orangutan movie? Yeah, yeah, of course. Any Which Way But Loose, or Every Which Way But Loose. Left Turn, Clyde. Yeah, those are great movies. Any Which Way But Loose, or Every Which Way But Loose. Haven't watched that yet. Left Turn, Clyde. Yeah, those are great movies.

Wait, there's two of them? I think there's at least two, yeah. And the way it is is Clint Eastwood plays a bare-knuckles boxer who is maybe also a truck driver at some point, or his best friend is a truck driver, and he keeps having to do these bare-knuckles boxing matches for money, and his sidekick is Clyde the orangutan. What's wrong with Danny DeVito's teeth in the movie poster?

Does he have some, like, false teeth on, or did he just get his teeth did since then? That's a great question. There's no bit with his teeth. Maybe he was just uglier then. Yeah, he looks very ugly in that movie and it feels sort of like a choice like he's super hairy he has almost no lines of dialogue it's weird that he's even in it like he doesn't need to be i think it might be makeup and prosthetics because i saw him

in one floor over the cuckoo's nest recently and uh he was very young in it and his teeth looked fine they looked like normal teeth what a weird it a weird 1981 that movie came out when i was six a i've never heard of it which is crazy to me because i'm obsessed with my childhood and and content from that era but b that means tony danza had a career before who's the boss and i didn't know that i thought who's the boss was like where he came from but now i guess i'm learning i don't, a fucking thing about Tony Danza. Wasn't he in Taxi? Fuck, he was in Taxi, and that was before Who's the Boss? See? And he was in Taxi with goddamn Danny DeVito!

Oh yeah, they were both in that! And he was in, and I think he was in, ah, fucking I'm stupid, that's right. You know a lot about, I've forgotten more about Tony Danza than I realized I ever knew! You were stupid and we recorded it. That's awesome. That's right. You know a lot about it. I've forgotten more about Tony Danza than I realized I ever knew. You were stupid and we recorded it. That's awesome. That's great. What do you think you've forgotten the most of? You've clearly forgotten a lot of Tony Danza.

I have in my life a lot of sports statistics. I grew up like, you know how much I love basketball and the NBA. And I mean, you, Gavin, and you, Andrew, you audience, I don't know why you would know that about me. And it's a little weird if you do. But I'm a huge, huge basketball, Boston Celtics fan, have been since 1986. As big a basketball fan I am now, I was a bigger baseball fan then. And I don't remember any of that shit now.

So there's probably about, I probably got about 25 years of baseball knowledge that I flushed down the alcohol toilet during my life. How about you, Gavin? What do you think you've forgotten the most of in your life? Just how to do maths and stuff. I didn't, I forgot that just the second I took the test. Like just algebra, actually stuff that I didn't think i would ever use again but i've needed to

because of various like photography based algorithms and that uh and i just don't remember how to do that stuff anymore it's pretty sad uh long division i i've i know i've relearned that several times and i keep forgetting some of the quirks of that pisses me off that one needs to stay i i need to use long division all the time long division i still feel really comfortable with it doesn't scare me yeah algebra however jesus christ man my kids started taking algebra like in sixth grade and that's when she's she surpassed me in math she might as well be a fucking nasa scientist today compared to how dumb i am when it comes to math was that a sad moment where uh she was like hey how do you do this and you're just like shit yeah well it became like because uh you know her mom and i are divorced and we

split custody so it became like a thing where she would be like i'd be like what kind of homework do you have tonight and she's like uh you know just whatever uh and i'm like well i'll help you with it and she's like i think i'm good and it's like oh is it math homework she's like i'll wait for you i'll wait for my mom i'll go i'll do that next to her you can help me with social studies later and i'm like i'll help you with social studies absolutely let's you know let's do reading and then with math and science that that gets done at the other house what have you forgotten about andrew boat safety i don't remember much about safety this podcast is so full circle we just go in like tiny like one to two episode loops um yeah i don't know i took the approach of just never really learning any of the math stuff so i

wouldn't have to forget it that was my strategy but yeah boat safety i'd say i don't know i forget a lot of stuff and i don't drink so i wish i had that almost as an excuse i there are things all the time i forget or i just don't read gavin knows is when i play game i play a lot of video games and uh i miss things all the time that were like even in old games i played before oh god what was that game what was that game recently you You played the entire thing, missing a very important mechanic. What was that? Yeah, it was control. And I didn't know that you could fast travel.

I just was running everywhere. I was just using the map. I thought you just took those to level up or stuff. I never really interacted with those. And I was blown away because there's lines of dialogue and actual plot points that force you to go through one of those. So to then come out the other side of that without the knowledge that you could do that all the time, that blew my mind, yeah.

I learned very late. And that's a game, it takes ages to get from place to place in Control, and you have to fight through areas where enemies just respawn. I feel like that game would take twice as long without fast travel it was a nightmare because it also had a bug where your map would open and not show any of the map like it would just be blank you'd so it was yeah it was terrible that game should win an award for one of the worst maps ever to be put into video game there was like tunnels and like janitor paths and shit where it's freaking impossible to know where

you are on that map to get from like where you're stood to 20 feet away absolutely impossible to figure it out from the map garbage it's terrible i'm glad i never played that game hey andrew if it makes you feel any better i hundred percented the xbox 360 gameackdown without knowing that there was auto-aim. Like, I probably put 60 to 70 hours into it, collecting all the orbs and killing every enemy, and I had no clue there was a fucking auto-aim until I watched somebody else play it. Was that, like, your criticism of the game? It's like, aiming's really hard.

Crackdown aiming was challenging. I just got used to it until somebody pointed out how fucking dumb I was. You may have been the best Crackdown player ever just by not knowing. It's really impressive. I don't ever play PlayStation. So I plugged in a PlayStation at work a few years ago to place to make some videos in Infamous Second Son.

And I played the entire goddamn game from start to finish with one of the component cables pulled out. So the game was just green and blue. I thought it was just fucking style. I thought it was just fucking style i thought it was i thought it was i thought it was stylistic there are guides online like achieve 100 guides in that game where it's just it's just the color red's not there what you captured it that way as well yeah i think it was michael from work who pointed out and he was like dude what's wrong with your screen and i was like i don't know i'm just

playing the game and he was like no there's and he goes back and he fixes it and the game changed on me i probably had i probably had 10 hours into it at that it's a really nice stylistic choice uh it's it's so stylistic that even the dashboard it bleeds over into that for some reason it's fucking terrible and when you see it you go, I am obviously the dumbest person on the planet. But thankfully, there are Andrew Pattons out there and Gavin Freese. I got you beat. To share that stupid load. I feel like I've worked hard on a lot of your achievements, Jeff.

Like, speaking of Crackdown, we did all the racing ones, didn't we? Yeah, we did. Yeah. Gavin used to come in and live with me every summer for like 90 days until he eventually moved to America. And I remember we were playing that game together when it came out so this is you know 2012 maybe 11 is a long time ago and uh you went back to england and we still had to finish some of the achievements so we were doing it together yeah i think this was i think this was 2009 or 2007 wait was it crackdown one it was probably it was crackdown one we've known

each other a long assass time. Yeah. And it would be so late at night for me and so early in the morning for you because of the time difference, and I was, you know, a heavy drinker back then, that I would pass out drunk, and I would just stop responding to you, and you would pick up my car, you would kill all the... The cool thing about that

game and the races is you could kill the other cars, the other competitors. Yeah, Jeff wasn't great at the racing, so I would just use the ramp car thing and go around the track backwards and just bump every car that he was racing against off the road and all he had to do was just finish like i did all the work by the time it was lap three there were no other cars they were flipped off into the ocean and shit and i was like all right jeff everything's off the track and all i could hear down the headset was and he was just parked against a railing i was like, all right, Jeff, everything's off the track. And all I could hear down the headset was. And he was just parked against a railing.

I was like, Jeff's freaking fallen asleep. I've done all the work here and he's just passed out. So I because it's cracked down. Yeah, I just lifted up his car and just ran his car around, which took like 20 minutes because I'm on foot holding a car. And he got the achievement. It actually worked. Hey, man, I appreciate it. I would have done the same for you if i'd been awake i really appreciate it i did some literal heavy lifting for your achievements i mean i i wouldn't feel too bad jeff i got gavin his halo 2 lasso achievement you would be lost without without that oh my god yes full

circle that was that was gonna make me put down the entire master chief collection what was that achievement so lasso halo 2 lasso is uh legendary all skulls on we do it a lot on achievement hunter and uh halo 2 is the hardest one the elites i mean that's a hard game just on legendary for some reason iron is like on by default so every time one of you dies you both go back a checkpoint the elites fire ridiculously fast kill you instantly so with all the other skulls on like famine and blind all that shit it's an incredibly frustrating and difficult experience if you start the lasso playlist co-op it skips a level called armory which is like hey look up look down go and stand in the shield thing

because it doesn't want you there's no there's no room for two people to do that so it just skips you straight to cairo station you can then beat the entire game co-op on lasso and you'll get to the end and nothing will happen the achievement will not unlock and that's because the armory is incomplete to do it to get the achievement you have to play the armory on lasso solo even though there's no enemies in the game you have to for some reason know to do that first otherwise that level remains incomplete and the playlist remains unbeaten and you can't go back and do it after the fact right you have to do that first yeah because it's a

playlist you can't just go back, do the armory, and then finish the Great Journey, which is the last level. You can't do that because you can't pick that level once you've beaten it. It starts you at Cairo Station again. So the only way to do it is to solo lasso on the armory and then play the entire game again. Unless you have a friend called Andrew Panton who grabs you a checkpoint from the very last level.

Hey, I earned. Grabbed is like I picked it up. Like I did that whole fucking campaign. Way to belittle my accomplishment. Jesus. Sorry. Yeah, you went through the whole game with someone else. Is that right?

Yeah. You know what the funniest part about that is? That poor guy. He's a friend of mine that I went through it with in co-op because you did it with dan so i was like i need a co-op partner so dan can get the achievement too yeah um and then that never happened so that guy still doesn't have halo that was like 10 months ago we've got to get a hold of dad to finish that up i mean the downside is you actually have to play the last level again, though. You do.

Like, you and I, Andrew, we spent a solid couple of hours trying to do it, didn't we? Yeah, it was like three or four hours. Oh, it's brutal, and you need to do a glitch. You have to fight that big dude at the end. Yeah, Tartarus. Tartarus. So I want to put this in perspective for listeners

who may not be as into video games as us. If you say you're a normal dude, let's say you had a task of putting an entire Volkswagen bug together. Like it was in a thousand billion pieces, like the engine and everything. And you put the entire 1965 Volkswagen bug together and there was one washer on the ground. And you can't drive it until that washer's back in. So you have to take the fucking car apart and then do it all over again. That's the way to put it in terms of normal people.

It's about the same amount of work. The entire playthrough probably took Dan and I 35 hours. I would say. It's terrible. And there's only like 15 levels. You can't save, right, in co-op? That's the thing.

No, yeah. If your connection drops, you have to start that level again. Yeah, so I had this funny thing where the person I was playing co-op with, he had to, we were playing on the weekend, and he had to go to work. And then he just cycled in roommates that he lived with. And I played with all three of his roommates throughout the day, because they each had to go to work at different times. And by the time, like he went, he left work.

And by the time he came back, we were still stuck on the same level. And he came back. It's a hell of a grind. It just kicks you in the balls over and over. I wouldn't want to do that again. All of that work and all of those people combined went into it so that Gavinavin you could hear you could

see a little window pop up on your xbox and hear a noise go ding yeah that's it don't don't act like it's not satisfying and don't act like you didn't start an entire department of russety based around that yeah no i i i say that i i'm down to playing one video game and i'm like 800 hours into it or 1200 hours into it whatever whatever, just to get stupid fucking achievements. And it's so bad. They named one after me as a taunt. And I'm now six months later, I'm 22 percent of the way there. And I think it's going to take me at least 18 more months, at least maybe two years.

It's and I play it for at least an hour a day every day. It's fucking brutal that's awful and it's like and and like it's like the biggest fuck you ever because the the way they did it by making this bullshit brutal grind of an achievement and then and then calling me out and said literally the achievement is called try this one jeff and now everybody in that community and that plays that game fucking hates me now they know who i am because i'm the guy that got this achievement added to the game that ruined it for everybody and what's great is for the developers it probably took like a couple of minutes of typing something to add that achievement yeah yeah but for me it's gonna be two and a half years of my life it was so funny to go through

their like an achievement sites message board for that achievement, and just seeing people being like, hey, do you see this bullshit? You see this fucking bullshit achievement? Can you believe this? And increased anger, and then it turned to like, who the fuck is Jeff? Who do we need to talk to about this? This sucks! And then them finding out who you are, and then just being angry

at you, and that was not your fault at all. Every once in a while I get a tweet that's just like, thanks, dickhead. I know what it is i'm like yeah i know my bad that's a true uh sort of global scale face for you jeff i faced myself and the entire community of this game i have no idea how many people play this game gems of war but oh my god oh speaking of games though millie and i my daughter and i started playing a new uh not a new game an old game but i don't know why nobody told me how much fun sea of thieves is but holy shit that game is great you never played sea of thieves no not really i

think i did one video at work in it years ago like right when it came out but millie and i just started doing like little two-man pirate ship parties where we go and dig up treasure and stuff. It's fucking awesome It's really good It's also a game that can just lead you in so many places you didn't expect like you could start digging treasure and then like a Megalodon will show up and then another crew will show up and That is a game where you're constantly like we're gonna get off in ten minutes and do this thing and then you play for three More hours get something new just keeps happening do you still have your messages from the uh ship people that you heisted that one time i was gonna say yeah i had this encounter so when you hit the max level in sea of thieves jeff you become a

pirate legend you have to do it across three of the factions it's like they've got the gold hoarders how long does it take to do this and what's the level? It's 50 and it's going to take you a long time. You used to be able to buy your way there essentially if you wanted, but it is, I'd say, I don't know, at least 20 hours per faction. Maybe that might be a little high, but it's a lot. It's hard. Okay. So anyway, once you become pirate legend, you unlock this special chest and you can level up your Pirate Legend status via that chest. It's the only way to do it. It takes like 90 minutes to go through the

quest and you get that chest at the end. But for how Sea of Thieves works is you don't get any credit for it unless you cash it in. So you can do all that work and get nothing. And I was playing and I saw this boat and so I hopped in it and I was laying down and I saw they had a bunch of shit and I was like, this is great. And they drop one of those chests in. I thought this is amazing. I I hopped in it, and I was laying down, and I saw they had a bunch of shit, and I was like, this is great.

And they dropped one of those chests in. I thought, this is amazing, I'm gonna steal it. So I just, I waited, and once they all left, I grabbed it, threw it in their rowboat, disconnected, and just paddled away. Left immediately. I stole it. It was one of the greatest feelings I've had in gaming

in, like, years. But I'm already max level with Pyro. I had no reason to take the chest. It was just, it was fun. Just to ruin their day. And the way this works is literally like in this video game, Sea of Thieves, it's a sea of islands and ocean and you and three of your buddies hop in a boat and then you just swim around stealing shit from other people or killing other people or digging up treasure. And so you saw them get off their boat and you just stole their, essentially their chest and swam away in their own, in their rowboat.

In their rowboat. And since I already had the chest, or I had the max level, I was like, well, I don't really need this. It'd be a waste if I just did this by myself. So I tweeted,

if anyone needs rep, just let me know and I'll send you an invite. The previous week, I got banned from Xbox Live for being nice in Sea of Thieves. And so Gavin made a joke to the tweet saying like, hey, like this is a bannable offense or something. And then once Gavin did it, the tweet got way more attention. So people were messaging me and I just got this random party invite. And I was like, oh, I guess they saw the tweet.

And so I joined the party and it was four people. And they immediately said, where are you right now? Do you steal the chest? And my heart dropped. I was so nervous. I was not. I thought it was somebody wanting to join. It was the people I stole the chest from.

They went into their recent players and they were interrogating everybody that was a recent player. And they said, did you steal the chest? Did you cash it in? And I'm sitting in the rowboat and I'm looking at the chest. And they asked if I sold it. I said, no, absolutely did not do it. Did not sell it. Don't know what you're talking about.

And they kept asking me questions. And it was getting more and more intense. They're like, interesting. Well, where were you at Crook's Lagoon? That's where we were a little while ago. Were you near that area? What island were you at uh crook's lagoon that's where we were a little while ago were you near that area what island were you what quest are you doing it's like they had the light in front of my face and i was just answering i was just lying through my teeth i forgot to mention the important part i was i was so happy with myself i was clipping i was

making screen clip or like screenshots and recording clips the entire time i did it so while they're talking to me if they go into my profile and look at my feed They will see all the video footage of me stealing their shit And so I'm talking to them and lying and just like please just don't don't look at my profile So bad and so we're talking we talked for like 10 minutes and Over the message. Yeah, yeah bad and so we're talking we talked for like 10 minutes and they're like this was that over the uh message like yeah xbox live chat yeah we're in a party chat we talked for like 10

minutes and then this other person came into the party he was interrogating someone else at a tavern he's like I'm talking to this guy he's also denying it I don't know what's going on here but we think it's one of you two and I just kept saying I have no idea what you're talking about man I'm so sorry that happened to you that's happened to me that's the worst like worst like you tried so hard and just to have it taken from you. That's bullshit

It's too bad that that can happen and so we ended up being friends and they all added me because I was such a nice guy And then I couldn't I couldn't resist so like the next night I sent the video I sent the video clip of me stealing it So like the next night, I sent the video clip of me stealing it. I'm so sorry. And it turned into a massive argument. The guy was so upset. I thought he'd think it was funny. He did not find any humor in the situation.

And it just kept escalating. And he was such a dick. I flipped and said, you're making me the hero of this story. You are such a dick right now that you are now the villain, and he did not like that. He just got progressively more upset the more I called him the bad guy. I bet he did not feel like the villain. He was a dick. The game is called Sea of Thieves.

There's thieves on the sea. It's what the game is called. I didn't make the game. I'm just playing the game he was really mad I wish I could remember what he said he was an asshole like I get I stole the

90 minute chess not a great thing I'm not advocating it but yeah he was upset well god damn dude well as you as you say it sounds like you were playing the game as designed what did uh how did it resolve did you give the chess back or no I, it sounds like you're playing the game as designed. How did it resolve? Did you give the chest back?

No, I sold it. What do you mean? Give it back? What do you mean? What? That was never on the table. Ridiculous question. Did I not sell the chest?

Absurd. Of course I sold the chest. I don't think I've never heard that story before oh dude I was getting like I was getting like the live the live updates I was getting the clips it was to be hearing about it in real time was awesome

that was like new stuff every hour every day was a new I'm just checking on Andrew it was awesome I'm sad I missed that episode of the Andrew podcast that we used god awesome. I'm sad I missed that episode of the Andrew podcast that we used to... Goddamn, dude. I'm glad I caught up on it. Did you guys not fuck with people like that in video games ever?

Yeah. Yeah. All the time. I used to. Not so much anymore because... It's tough. Because I got... Because I got f***ed faced by that Jim's Award game and I'm not allowed to play another

video game for the next two and a half years. Jesus. Yeah. I mean, I'll mess with my coworkers, but I just don't really interact with strangers in games these days. I'm never just, like, hopping online. It's really hard to know. Like, everyone's in a party now on Xbox. I used to do this thing.

I was such a dickhead. I called it Light Bright. Remember when Halo 3 first came out everyone wanted recon armor like that was the big as the get like you couldn't get the only way to get recon armor in Halo 3 was somebody who worked at the studio that made it gave it to you yes so everyone wanted it and at this time there's no party chat so everyone was just in local chat so I'd go into big team battle because that's the game that had the most players and i would tell i'd say to people hey my uncle works at bungie i got the recon code everyone let's group up on me after this i'll give you guys the recon code i got this

we can all get it's going to be amazing and so i'd get like 12 or 13 people to go with me into a private lobby and then i would would say, okay, everyone ready. And I just say a random combination of buttons as fast as I could. I'd go like left bumper, left bumper, right bumper, right bumper, down,

down, left, right, up, down, click left stick, right stick, right bumper,

left bumper. And I do this for a while, but I'd always end it by saying, hold your middle button, which when you hold the middle button on an Xbox controller, after like three seconds, a prompt comes up that says, do you want to shut off your controller your console or there's something else it said and so i'd get to there and i'd say hold the middle button double click up triple click triple click a triple click a and when you did that you would shut your console

off and whenever you would turn your console off and Halo 3 it would say first that your controller disconnected so the whole party would just like start blinking of people that turn their console off and I do this all the time I like righted so many people just for my own call a light writing yeah it's calling it like writing there was a game I just the whole thing everybody would start blinking and the worst was when i'd get people multiple times i was terrible like i'd message them after they turned back on or sometimes they'd message me and say like fuck you i said what happened why are you upset they say it didn't work you just got me to turn off my xbox and i was like

well it's part of the code i guess i don't know that's weird do you want to try it again i got recon i don't know what you're complaining about then we do it again I had one guy do it three times and then I just stopped cuz I felt so bad They just kept turning his console off. Oh, you didn't get it. Oh that sucks. I'm sorry man. Well, hey, I got another code Let's try that one and then he was really annoyed and you're like look you're being the bad guy right now I'm trying to give you what you want and you dumb fingers can't accommodate do stuff like that you're a bad person yeah uh i did well when i was of that age i did a lot of

that shit in person you know like in high school and stuff because i was you know it was before online gaming so i i didn't have the opportunity to be 19 on the internet, uh, in a, in a video game lobby. So we would do stuff like I would get three of my friends or two of my friends together. And we would get a friend, a kid who we kind of knew who hadn't hung out with us on like on a Friday night. And my friend had this Camaro that was cool to drive around in. And we would let the new guy sit in the Camaro. And then we would tell them about this game we played, where you go behind this one bar in town, and they have like a loading dock door. And we would pile a bunch of trash cans up over the loading dock door. And then there's like a bell you would ring. And you hit the bell

and people would open the door and push all the trash cans over and all the trash would spill out and you drive away. That's what people did for fun in the 1990s in Alabama for high school. I would do that behind Walmarts, behind like CVS or Eckerd's back then, like any store that had a loading dock and a bell you could ring at night, you would do that. But what we would do is we would talk about it at school a lot and then we would get a new kid to go with us and then we would send him out to do it and then as soon as he rang the bell we would honk the horn a bunch and then drive off and just leave and then come back like 15 minutes later and find the guy hiding in a bush somewhere and pick him up we would do like that kind of shit every fucking day i did like that from like the day i turned 16

until the day i graduated high school. I did something like that every day. But we never did it in video games. It's a lot more fun in video games because there's no threat. You just leave. The threat's part of the fun. And it's been done to me before, too. And I fucking turned around and I reached for the car.

And they spun off and I fell down in the gravel. And I cut my hands all up and there was blood everywhere I had to run into a fucking neighborhood just to hide yeah I definitely got my comeuppance for for that kind of shit like did I ever tell you about the time in high school where we went to do that and I was going to do it behind the Walmart. And we went behind one side of the Walmart, and my friends let me out. And I knew they were going to drive off, and they did. So I thought, I decided to get them back. And so my friends, it was like a loop, right? And so I'm behind the Walmart. I had set up the trash cans and stuff. I hadn't hit the buzzer. I pretended like it, because I knew my friends were going to drive off. So then I went, and I stood kind of where

I knew they were going to come back around. And I faced away, and I started peeing on the ground and I was going to try to time it. So because I heard the lights coming, then when my friends came back around, I was going to swing around and piss on them and try to piss in their car, but at least hit the windshield, right? I was going to try to get my friend James who was driving. And what happened was they pulled up behind me and I thought now's my chance. And I swung around to piss on him. Uh, and it was a security guard in a pickup truck. And so I pissed all over the left front panel of his pickup truck and he goes he goes uh what the fuck or something along those lines and i got and i went i went and i put my hands up as if like he was gonna he didn't have a he was he had his hands on the steering wheel but i put my hands up and

surrender and my pants fell down and i just started started pissing out because I was still peeing. And then I looked down, and I saw him open his door, and I just picked up my pants, and I started running. And I ran for the woods behind the Walmart, and I hit a ditch, and I fell into it, and I fell into mud and brambles. mud and brambles and I got up and I ran with my pants around one leg, fucking shirt on, dick out, pants trailing behind my one leg, into a neighborhood at 11 o'clock on a

Friday night and hid behind a tree and while I was figuring out how to, I was picking hitchhikers out of my pubic hair and out of my leg hair trying to put my pants back on and a light turned, hit me and I went, oh my God, and I hit the ground, I turned around, and it was my friends,

and after they, after they made me clean off, they let me in the car, and then we went home. So you were like stumbling around falling in mud with your, that was probably like an imprint of your penis in some mud there.

Oh yeah, yeah, and I pissed all over myself too, like my shoes, my pants, I was just covered in mud and dirt and piss and embarrassment. Yeah. And somewhere in Alabama, if that dude is still alive, there's a security guard who has a story about a time in like 1992 when he heard a noise and he drove behind the Walmart,

pulled up to a guy he thought was in distress, and the guy turned around and tried to piss on him. Pissed all over the truck and then ran off into the woods with his ass hanging out dude piss is no joke i watched a friendship end over piss really there was yeah there was like uh some people they were sort of outside of my friendship group but we'd always see him in the pub they were they were like a double act they were always together and one night on the way home from the pub we were just walking home and uh one of them was just taking a piss on one of the buildings. And then he just sort of span it around and pissed on the other guy.

Just like swung a bit of piss on him and went on his jeans. The other guy kicked off. He was like swearing it and trying to shove him. And he just said, you are dead to me. And I never saw them together again. Are you serious? It was it. That was it.

Just like a half an inch of piss in a cup worth just up his jeans and that was it is that a uh is that a cultural thing in england is that a very is urine a super big offense in your country with your people i don't know uh i mean for me if that happened to me i'd be i'd be a little bit it wouldn't end the friendship i'd be like oh come on that's like spitting on someone. It's like, just, it's just,

it's just not to be done. You don't piss on friends. You don't spit on someone's face. Cause it's just like, oh, come on. Like I'd rather be punched than spat on. You say that,

you say that, but you once agreed that you would let me sit in your lap and shit in your lap and see if I lift up from the pressure of the poop coming out for $2,000. Obviously agree to that knowing that you would never be able to do it. You would never

be able to bring yourself to let poo come out of you while you're sat on me. I don't know, man. I accepted that as a challenge. That will never happen i guarantee if it if it does happen uh i mean it would be with consent we would set it up and you would be okay with it but if i was able to pull through would you be impressed or horrified would it affect our friendship um no i don't think it would because because i mean i instigated it i i know it's coming i know i'm probably gonna immediately get in a shower

You say that now, but I think when your friend shits in your lap like everything goes out the window I don't think you can plan for that. I think the rules change After it happens. I don't know what like it's it's so intimate. Well not even necessarily intimate I don't know. It's just it's one of those things where I just feel like you can't predict how you'd feel i'd feel warm i mean you can't that's the point can't argue that that's a good point i think what would get to me is that i would gag a lot there would have to be a lot of vomit right like i would throw up you would throw up immediately which would make you throw up because i would throw up i would be grossed out by it. And then Andrew's filming the whole thing. And then he starts to retch because we're not, because he's not out.

He's in this. Like he doesn't escape this. Andrew is the documentarian here because you're a part of this podcast. And now you're a part of the story. Andrew, we're flying you in. You're filming the whole thing and you're writing a thousand word essay on your experiences. That's what your involvement in this is. I'm getting the impression that we shouldn't do this.

Okay. At any point. Wait, no. You're now getting the impression? You've now been sold that this is a bad idea? I mean, you say that you wouldn't allow that, Andrew? This is Jeff we're talking about. He's Griff.

He's famous. Do you get anything out of this? Two grand two grand no no you can have two grand as well you get two i get two gavin gets two you have the easiest job in the world wait wait wait where's this money coming from wait you i thought you were paying me two grand why would i pay you two thousand dollars to shit in your lap i think i did say that i don't want that Listen, the economy's all fucked up now. There's a coronavirus. There's 427 million people in America are unemployed. I'm not going to throw $2,000 of shit into your lap.

We're going to have to find some outside financing, an angel investor. We'll do a Patreon. I don't know, pay-per-view maybe. But I'm not footing the bill anymore. All right, from this point on then we'll let sales know that people are only allowed to sponsor us if they also provide the shit money up front let's uh we'll take a step back and evaluate on that uh yeah i don't think i'll need a cat i'll just sell i'll sell the footage i'm sure i could find some place don't

want that like only fans orans or something? Yeah. I mean, it could be there. I don't know. I'm not going to judge people. I don't know where I could sell that thing, but I bet you could sell that somewhere. I bet you could too, yeah. Think of it like this.

You could be essentially the new Hunter S. Thompson. You could sell that 1,000-word essay to Rolling Stone, Andrew, and become a cultural phenomenon and usher in a new era of creative, edgy journalism. This one event, this 1,000-word essay could change your life, the trajectory and course of your life for the next 50 years. That's exciting. He did like an investigative piece on the Hells Angels, right? Like that was one of his breakthrough things?

He did that as well. Yeah, that was what was culturally relevant at that time in america this is what would be i assume culturally relevant in 2020 2021 in north america i don't think this is ever going to be culturally relevant anywhere no culture at any point i think would find this culturally relevant i i wouldn't want that footage to be honest like there's always stuff that you would want to see like like if you found out two of your friends had a sex tape you'd probably watch it you'd probably be like i gotta see what that's about i would not if i found out that there was like a poo video i would not i would not seek

that out am i in the minority i'm not wanting to watch the sex tape but you would watch it though out of curiosity i think you would i think i think you're chatting shit there nope i think you're chatting shit as well yeah and but that actually brings up a question now that i think about it that i never considered before sort of an orange versus orange question somewhere out there somebody watched two girls one cup for the first time and went danielle or clara is that is that my cousin or didn't i go to didn't I have geometry with her in 10th grade? People out there watched Glass Ass or Lemon Party or Tub Girl or Knife Ass or whatever. Any of those videos from that era. Don't Google it.

Don't watch any of it. It's worse than shitting in your best friend's lap. Don't Google it. Don't watch any of it. It's worse than shitting in your best friend's lap. Don't do it. But if you did, there's a chance you might know the person on the other end of that video or image. And that humanizes it, I think. I don't think you'd recognize Tub Girl.

I don't know. No one knows who that is, surely. Somebody must. That... And I think we just lost Gavin. Well, Andrew, I don't know about you, but I can't think of a better place to end it than on Gavin making himself rich. And that's based off a memory

of an image that I haven't seen in over 10 years. And should never see again again never should have seen it the first time for that matter oh oh my god it's like it's like when i was a kid in high school it was all about faces of death everybody would trade vhs types of faces of death and now the internet is like every day every video every i guess scene and every faces of death at all times everywhere you turn. It's fucking, you know, it's scary and gross place. I don't think this one will have sponsors, I'll be honest. Well, I gotta be honest with you too. The more I think about it,

I might've been arguing to be contrarian. I'm not sure I want to poop on you. I'm thinking maybe Andrew might be onto something. Maybe it's more fun in theory to have the discussion than to do it in practice. I would agree with that. I would say let's leave it on the table. Alright, let's take it off the table. Let's not leave it on the table. Let's firmly remove it from the

table, put it in a trash can, light it on fire. This does not need to be on the table. Everything's always on the table. It's a big table. Listen, what if we take it off the table, lice all the table, and then put it back on a cutting board or some saran wrap on the table?

We've cleaned it up a bit. Wait, your first thought is to put it on like a food preparation device? Well, I wouldn't use the food preparation device for food preparation again. I would sacrifice it to this task. Why bother with a cutting board then? I don't know. I don't want it to touch my fine china.

I'd be okay with an oven. If we put it in the oven or the microwave, I'm okay with that. Hold on, Eric's typing. What's this gonna be? How did it go from sounds like the best place to end to this? Oh. He's right. We have gone back in. We did go back in. I also wanted to get an update from Andrew

on Garfield and the Basket Weavers, but maybe we've run out of time. That's probably for episode six for us and episode five for Eric. Yeah, that's a good call. All right, well, here we go. It's time for Andrew to end it as he does every week. Andrew, take it away. Oh, what am I?

We're ending the show? Is that what we're doing? Eric, what does he have to say? What do I have to say? Just tell people to tell a friend to listen to the podcast, to rate and subscribe, and leave a review. Tell people to tell a friend to listen to the podcast,

rate and subscribe, and leave a review. What if they're on an app that they can't review? Does Spotify have reviews? I don't think Spotify has reviews. Then that doesn't apply to them. It applies to the other people that are listening. Let us know what is the smallest thing you've ever done that completely ended a friendship.

Oh, I'd love to know. I'll tell mine next time. I can't wait. So I guess you're supposed to tell people and rate and subscribe to the podcast, right? Just waiting on you. What's happening? Did you say gas?

What happened? What's going on? Just end it. Just say thank you. Goodbye. Thank you for listening. Thank you for listening, Eric. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Eric. That was kind of unnecessary. That was mean. What? He's a high-strung dude. I can tell. You know, I met Eric like 10, probably longer than that. Maybe 10 years ago.

It did not go well. Very awkward exchange between Eric and I. What was it? Like at some Mega64 booth? Yeah, yeah. It was back in the Mega64 booth. Very awkward exchange. I don't remember that at all.

Do tell. Or should we save it for a future episode? Save it because we're trying to end the show. Well, if you'll shut up, we can. Hey, thanks for listening to our fucking podcast. Give us a rate and review. And if you don't like Eric, hey, welcome to that segment of the society. Give us a rate.

Yeah, make sure you give us a rate. Or a review.