F**kface - My Dog Snores Like My Girlfriend//Judge Judy Footrub [12]

Episode Date: August 19, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about swim trunks, cheeky double anus, Andrew's prank confessional, suited tattoo artists, and more. Sponsored by ExpressVPN. Visit http://expressvpn.com/FACE and get an extra 3 months FREE! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I'll get into the intro in a second. The intro was, so I went to the bathroom. That's fine, yeah. Well, I haven't gotten to the intro yet. This is the pre-intro. Has Eric in the episode yet? Have you ever watched a movie?

How about this, Gav? Have you watched Perry Mason? Oh, it's the cold open. It's a cold open. I'm doing a cold open, all right? Ooh. Goddamn. So anyway, between recording,

because it takes Andrew seven years to do whatever he needs to do to his fire extinguisher to stop recording and then start recording again. I went to the bathroom because I farted and it was a it was a there was a little a little spice in the fart you know where you start to wonder like ah it's possible i shit my pants a little bit uh because i do that often so i ran in totally fine false alarm did not shit my pants

but it's become an issue of concern for me. Not because it's something that I always do, but because I had an embarrassing incident the other day that I'm trying not to recreate. Welcome to F*** Face. My name is Jeff Ramsey. With me as always, Gavin Free and Andrew Panton. And we are talking about when your girlfriend finds your shit stains. Oh, God. Yeah.

Do you have a skid mark? So here's what happened. I don't know if this is common knowledge. I don't know why it would be. I't wear pants anymore i haven't worn pants uh since i've worn pants once since may and by pants you mean sort of trousers long pants yeah jeans or whatever i wear you know whatever pants you've seen me wear in every video i've ever worn uh or in person i just have it's hot and shitty and we're all at home anyway. So I've been wearing,

I've just been wearing swimming trunks. I bought five pair of swimming trunks and I have, I wear my, I have my Monday trunks, my Tuesday, my Wednesday

and I just wear swim trunks. That seems so uncomfortable. No, it's, you got the net. It's so comfortable. What? And it's quick to dry because I'm always getting wet,

like moving a garden hose or something or you're out in the street sweating. What? They it's quick to dry because I'm always getting wet like moving a garden hose or something or you're out in the street sweating. They dry really quick. Swim trunk material dries really quick. And you mentioned the net. I no longer have to wear underwear. So now I'm down to a t-shirt and swim trunks and I don't wear socks because it's hot.

So just a pair of Vans, swim trunks and a t-shirt. And that's all I've worn from March 15th or whatever it was until this moment. Problem is, when you don't wear underwear, swim trunk netting material will get up in there. And the other day, we were preparing laundry, and my girlfriend goes, What the fuck? And I go, Uh-oh, what's going on? And she just started laughing, and she goes, Are you fucking serious?

And I was like, I doubt it. Not usually. You know, what's going on? And she just started laughing and she goes, are you fucking serious? And I was like, I doubt it. Not usually, you know, what's going on? And there was a little poop, a little, little, little skid mark.

And I was horrified. And she was like, what are you, nine years old? And I was like, apparently. And so I have to endeavor never to have that happen

to me in my life again for my living girlfriend to find my, my skid mark. but that must mean that you're skidding on a regular basis no and the trunk the swim trunks just amplify it was an anomaly and also i know it was an anomaly dude because i got that gav because i have the i have the fucking bidet toilet man my asshole is cleaner than it's ever been. But I'm telling you, this netting gets up in there. Yeah, but I don't think it's an issue with a botched wipe or a cleanliness issue. I think you

just fart turds into your ass cheeks. That's also possible. Anyway, the solution is just I check myself more often and I don't ever, ever let my girlfriend do my laundry again. Let me ask you this. Have you got any new recordings? I do. I have a new recording. I don't know that you guys are going to be able to hear it. Did this result in, and by the way, one of my favorite work conversations

that I've ever read, because obviously all work conversations are typed now. You had to send the raw audio from your other farts. And I think Nick, who was editing it, said thanks. And then Eric chimed in to say, you just thanked him for sending you farts for work

or something along those lines. And it was absolutely true. And it filled my heart with joy that that was an actual work conversation. Here's what I'm going to do. I can play it. I'm just scared you guys aren't going to be able to I'm going to do. I can play it. I'm just scared you guys aren't going to be able to hear it very well, but I'll play it.

And then if you guys can't hear it, just let me know. And then I'll give it to Cody or whoever anyway, and they can cut it in. I'm going to see if you guys can figure out what this is. Okay. Did it happen? It's been like 10 seconds of silence. You guys didn't hear any of that?

No. Not at all. Not even close. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to text it to seconds of silence. You guys didn't hear any of that? No. Not at all. Not even close. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna text it to both of you. I had a great moment of what am I doing where when it got really quiet and I'm trying my best to hear a fart

that I expect to be quiet. Well, you're gonna be surprised because it's not a fart. Okay, here we go. I'm gonna play it now then, just for me. It's only 17 seconds. Only 17 seconds? Is that someone sleeping?

It's snoring. The thing I challenge you to tell the difference between is which one of those is my girlfriend and which one is her bulldog, Henry. I woke up the other night at like three in the morning to take a piss and Emily and Henry were both snoring and I couldn't tell the difference between their snores. They were snoring identically. Either my girlfriend snores like a dog

or my dog snores like a girlfriend. But it's identical. And my girlfriend doesn't know I sent that. And I don't think she listens to the podcast. Maybe she does. I'm fairly certain she's not going to be happy that I shared that with you guys or the audience. And so I may be fucking facing myself pretty hard on that one

because she's a revenge-y type person person did you have the conversation with her afterwards about how she had synced up with her dog yeah i i played it for her in the morning and i'm like she's like oh my god did i snore and then i played it for her and i was like tell me which one's you and which one's the dog because i know and you just can't tell it's like they're twins it's you know how like people become their pets yeah she and her dog they have the exact same deviated septum or whatever. It's fucking crazy. Is there no fart recording? No, it was a fucking, it was a snore.

I sent you a snore. Yeah, I thought, sorry, I was anticipating a fart. So was I. You suddenly were talking about how your asshole's been Tokyo drifting in every pair of swim trunks you have. Gavin said, speaking of that, do you have any new recordings? And I said, yes, but it's not a fart. It's something else. Well, I think clearly he meant fart recordings.

I don't think he meant generally, have you just been recording? Oh my god. You recorded birds? Would you be like, yeah, I got some bird chirps. Let's all listen to the bird chirps. I said I have something that's not a fart. I didn't hear that. I'm sorry. That's my fault. I apologize. That's okay. I was expecting a fart. I was excited for a fart.

I just, my goal is that she never find out that I shared that with you guys because she, uh, you know, I'm a little scared of her. She's been doing a thing lately and I was going to talk about this last podcast, um,

about how it affirmed and it clarified, crystallized something in my mind. She's been doing this thing lately where, uh, when I least expect it, she will jam her finger up my asshole like if i'm in the shower and facing the other way or if i'm in bed naked so not through the clothes just actually straight up the asshole either way sometimes clothes or if i'm walking by

the laundry room and she's hiding in the dark in the laundry room and i don't see her and she jumps out behind me and then shoves her finger up my ass it's been about two weeks of this now it's made me realize that how uncomfortable and miserable it must have been for you Gavin throughout the entirety of our friendship which is going on how many years would you say I've been consistently sticking my finger up your ass when you're not looking for it um probably 11 yeah 11 years i've been terrorizing you with that for 11 years yeah under the assumption that it made you miserable but now i can confirm that it is just as shitty if not worse than i thought it would be and you know what i gotta say as much as i hate it, I kind of appreciate Emily for doing it

because I feel like it totally validated the last decade of me doing this to you because now I know I feel so much better about the last decade of what I've been doing because I know it got to you. Now I know I have cold hard proof a little bit every day, a little reminder that I was absolutely torturing you.

I need to point out the worst part about it. I mean, obviously, to receive a finger into the asshole, always shocking. But the worst part is that sometimes when you would just stand behind me, I would clench up. And most of the time, most of the time you weren't shoving your finger up my ass. I would clench up and most of the time most of the time you weren't shoving your finger up my ass and that to me is the worst, is the psychological damage of always

being clenched and never quite knowing if my body was going to be penetrated I gotta say though as I'm learning because my butt gets tired from clenching so much, I bet you have really strong anal muscles and I can take credit for that maybe is the anus for that maybe it's the

anus a muscle it's more of a sphincter yeah whatever you're you whatever you do to tense up those uh those butt your butthole that's that's muscles in action my friend yeah how can something be a surprise that happens to you consistently for 11 years well because it it's surprising like i can talk to you right now but if I just screamed in your face, you'd be like, ugh. Yeah, it would be, but if you did that every time we talked to each other for 11 years...

Well, that's the beauty, Andrew. I might only do it to Gavin once a day. Sometimes I don't do it every day. Sometimes I take a week off, and then maybe I do it six times in a day. You keep him on his toes, keep him guessing, you keep him uncomfortable and off balance,

and he'll never truly rest. I am puzzled. I should point out, as awful as this does sound, it's a consensual game. It's a tenet of our friendship. Yeah, it comes with the friendship, and if I had an actual issue with it, I'm sure you wouldn't be doing it.

I feel like I should just say that for legal reasons. It's also, it's like when Gavin and I lived together, it was a spoken rule, and we shook on it and agreed upon it, that if I fell asleep before him, he could slap me in the face as hard as he wanted. And he did all the time. It's true. He used to slap the shit

out of me. And it's a terrible way to be woken up drunk at one in the morning. Last episode, you said, I can't sell 12 hats, and you're just shoving fingers up his ass, and it's like, yeah, it's part of the company. We're good. And it's nothing to do with the company. Gavin and I playing pranks on each other.

That's at home. We're friendship stuff. It's like, how do you, what do you mean surprise? You keep, does none of this make sense? You keep him off guard. You do it more than five times. He's always on guard. Why are you putting your guard down, Gavin? Well, I mean I can't stay clenched all the time. What do you mean?

No, but you should be aware. It's like, oh, this is happening again. Like the fact that this is a surprise to you every time after 11 years, I don't understand. Andrew, a lot of it has to do with how good at it I am. I'm always looking for the right moment to scare or surprise him. Just imagine if

no matter how on guard you feel, if there's somebody constantly plotting behind you to get you, eventually you're going to let your guard down and it's impossible to maintain a heightened sense at all times. And a good one to do it to him too is like when he when he's talking to a girl. He lets his guard down

when he's talking to a girl. It doesn't matter who the girl is either. Any girl. I feel like, Andrew, if you could compare it to this, say I had, I was going to live with you for a week and I had an air horn that I was going to, at some point,

blast right next to your ears. You wouldn't be holding your fingers in your ears for a week. You would eventually, after like 10 minutes, be like, okay, well, you know,

we're just going to wait this out. And you would let your guard down. I'm not saying I'd always be on guard, Jeff. I'm not belittling your finger asshole abilities. I'm sure you're incredible. The notion that it's a surprise I have a problem with. It can't be a surprise.

How is it a surprise? It always happens, even if it's a week off. If someone shoves their finger up your ass 7,000 times, by time 2,000, it's just like, yeah, that's a thing. I'm no longer surprised. I don't think I've shoved a finger up his ass once for every Twitter follower you have, Andrew,

I've done a lot, but not 7,000 times. And I feel like I should point out again before I get canceled, uh, that it is a, a consensual game that Gavin and I play together. And we have a unique friendship where we like to prank and, and, uh, trick each other.

And that comes from two juvenile men living together for a very long time. It's true. A significant percentage of my life. I'm not disputing any of that. My problem was just the surprise. It broke my mind. I have no idea how that works. Still no.

But I respect it. It's your game. It's your guys' rules. Speaking, by the way, of air horns and just disappointment in general. I watched all the way through Hardcore Minigolf, Jeff. Not once did I hear a cheeky double anus. I feel like we made a specific request for you to get into your VO, just didn't make it in. I never did VO after that moment. Oh, yeah, I was going to, but I guess in the last two episodes, most of the VO was in game.

Like Jack and I were moving that box around and like, and doing VO on like, cause it was only one match going on at a time. So a lot of that VO was covered in the moment. Okay, well, that's fine. Actually kind of a bummer cause I was looking forward to doing it and trying to figure out how to do it.

And I actually had a recording session scheduled and I was, I don't remember. I was out of pocket for something and so i didn't get back to them fast enough and then when i did i sat down to record it thinking this is my moment they said we had jack do it he was available we no longer need you and that's it that was the last i heard about hardcore and clearly you didn't tell jack about the uh secret double anus he had already recorded it yeah i didn't think to. Oh, well, maybe next time. I haven't had a chance to watch yet.

Is there a trellis mentioned by any chance? Did that make sense? Have you mentioned on face about you and the trellis? No, I haven't, but should I?

I almost feel it's funnier if I don't. I still have trellis things in the works. I don't want to blow up my spot completely. Oh, okay. Let us know when it

all comes to a head. That was largely a, what was that show? Keeping the Lights On. Keeping the Lights On joke. I got to wait for the lights to come back on. Currently, that's fair. When you use the bathroom, you always close the door behind you, right?

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you should know who your internet service provider is. That's not my job. That's your job. But did you know they know every single website you visit? Even the thimble ones. And what's worse is they can sell this information to ad companies and tech giants who'll use that data to target you. Not like in an assassination type way or like a 90s tech movie, but more of like a we're

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And you can get an extra three months free. That's expressvpn.com slash face. And I know that the national spelling bee got canceled, but I just put on a clinic in this ad. Visit expressvpn.com slash face and get an extra three months free. Gavin, have you been sticking anything in Meg lately or vice versa? Is she putting anything in you? What a transition that way. Just time out.

Pause for one sec before anyone says anything. Is there a story, Gavin, related to this? Well, I think it's clear. Related to what? To what he just said. No, I mean. No, no, he's just, you know, he's being a friend. He's asking me about.

But why would he have a stop saying, oh my God, how hard is it for you two to follow a thread? I just led the episode off talking about how my girlfriend has been jumping out of closets and sticking her finger up my butt when I'm not expecting it. You're jumping all over the place. This isn't on us. We're talking about snoring. We're talking about assholes. We're talking about assholes.

It's going back and forth. My live-in girlfriend, we spend a lot of time talking about fingers and butts and it all started because my girlfriend's doing it to me. So I was extending the courtesy

to ask Gavin how his relationship is going. And if his girlfriend is jumping out of laundry rooms in the dark to shove her finger up his butt when he's not expecting it because that's what people do

in relationships. I've had none of that, but, you know, it's all good. It's fine. He's good. Andrew, how's your life going? It's going well. I was very confused by that. I mean, you laid it out really well.

It made sense, but it was like Westworld season two. There are too many timelines. I'm going forward, I'm going backwards. We're all over the place. It's like a butthole multiverse. It was. It was very confusing. But I guess I should. I mean, I called you a bunch of times from a Californian number

last episode. Yeah. What was the deal with that? Did you start doing that before the recording? No, I moved to California. No, I did not. I didn't do either of those things. There was a prank that happened in the last week. Pretty elaborate. I don't know if this will discourage you, Jeff, to pursue the dropping the nuclear football or whatever you're talking about prank. The counter prank. I can't do it to you because you're Canadian. I just realized. Ah, I see. So I was talking to someone and I was kind of just recapping.

I haven't talked to them in like six or seven months. We were talking about the Garfield stuff and just different stupid things I've been up to over the last few months. And they said, do you think you could convince your friend Jake that he owns a sports team? And I thought, hmm, could I convince him? No, that doesn't, I don't think I could do that. But what I did remember is about two months ago, I applied for us to be on Judge Judy.

And he knows this. I said that I wanted a foot rub for emotional damages, is what I submitted the case for. There's a lot of aggression that I needed to release through a foot rub. I just wanted a foot rub from him. No money. This is a very important case, and I applied to the show. And that was it. I hadn't thought about it in

two months. But then I thought, I bet you I could convince him that he and I are going to be on Judge Judy. So then the plan went into the works. I needed an LA phone number. Really easy to get. You can get a phone number for essentially anywhere in the world at a pretty cheap price. It's pretty great.

I like that I made the joke last episode about you being the clear choice for someone who has a burner phone. And you do. You have the number. Technically not a phone, but yeah, I do. That's my number. Like an internet thingy number? Yeah, it's just like an internet number.

And I know Jake, when he goes to work, has his phone off. So I knew if I called him at work, I could get the voicemail. So before we got a recording together, we had somebody's roommate record this clip. I'm going to play this through the mic. It apparently is going to sound great, based on what Eric said before. So Jake is at work, doesn't know what's going on. And then he comes back and he gets a phone, and this is the message that is waiting for him. There is a problem

playing this audio file. Give me a second. That didn't go as planned. That was great. Somebody else having tech problems. I'm at the point now where if someone says, hey, listen to this, I expect disappointment. Yes, absolutely. Here we go, here we go.

Hi, this is Bianca Cordero with the booking department for Judge Judy. This is in regards to the case submitted by Andrew Panton. We were calling to get your address to send you your NDAs before you come down to film with us later on in September. I'll be sending the flight information and boarding pass we've arranged for you via email here shortly.

Just give us a call back and we'll get those sent over to you as soon as possible. Thanks and have a wonderful day. That sounds pretty good, right? Wow! I would buy it. Yeah. Who is that? It's just somebody's roommate. It's great. Wow! Yeah, I was really impressed.

Does that roommate do that kind of thing for a living? She's very good. No, don't think so. She didn't have any concept of who any of these people were or what was happening. She just read off a page and she nailed it. She did a wonderful job. She is missing out on a career. So Jake had that message and then I found a thing where you can dummy email.

So I made a fake email for this person in which he received his travel itinerary. Let me just drop this into the Discord. Oh my God, where is Jake? Where have you sent him? So, we got Jake a plane ticket for LA. Because we're recording at the end of September. It's very important. The trip is obviously covered. $43?

Not a great flight. The cheapest flight in the world. Yeah, it's, I mean, there's a reason. There might be a reason for why flight prices are so cheap. But yeah, he had a reason. There might be a reason for why flight prices are so cheap. But yeah, he had a ticket leaving from Indianapolis to LA. It's a round trip. Covered both sides.

So Jake thinks we're going to be on Judge Judy, and he's not very happy about it. I've had a series of conversations of a grown man yelling at me about being on Judge Judy over a foot rub. So that has been what I've been up to as far as pranks go. So he still doesn't know? Still doesn't know. Well, he's gonna know now. He listens to the show.

So you don't have to worry about the Judge Judy pranking. It's such a fucking shame because is it a real plane ticket? Yeah, oh, it's totally real. He can use it. Andrew, you should have sent him to LA and he can figure it out when he gets there.

And he shows up at Judge Judy's production studio, assuming it's in LA even, and then and he shows up at judge judy's production studio assuming it's in la even and that they don't know who he is and they think he's crazy and he realizes that's when that's when the prank is at its peak in a non-covid world i'm completely with you i just wanted the i couldn't send him on a flight right now but i wanted the illusion that's so much time that's that's like you're just using up his life, wasting it in front of him. Assuming I would cover the hotel. Like, I'd make sure he had a great trip,

even without the judge. It would be a hell of a vacation I'd put him on. He just wouldn't know until he got there that there's no Judge Judy. Oh, my God. If you could get somebody to pick him up with a fucking sign at LAX and put him in a Lincoln Town car, oh my god.

We figured out all the dynamics of that, but once again, COVID thing really makes that a hard sell. That's too bad. Couldn't do it. You clearly have a budget in mind for the extent of this prank. I feel like you would have happily spent hundreds of dollars on this. Well, if it built the right way we made issues this all came together in like two hours the prank from the concept to buying the tickets sending the email all that uh but yeah no if we could have made this last a week i would have paid for that it was funny good content for the show yeah yeah

you're bitching about three hundred dollars for the hats this was cheaper that's that's that's true this is a 20 20 i spent 20 on a plane. I spent $20 on a plane ticket. I spent $6 on a fake phone number. So how are you going to do this? Do you know how you're going to reveal to him yet? Are you going to let him listen to this? Yeah, I think I'll just let him listen to this. He's yelled at me a lot recently about it. I don't think I'll bring it up again.

What was his main issue with it? Well, he didn't want to be on the show, he said said because he doesn't like conflict um especially after his spike lee drama the spike lee drama was the thing uh he's also he's very suspicious now unlike gavin the like this is i've done a lot of pranks to him and he's aware so it's a lot harder to sell than it previously was unlike me yeah i i'd also like to i'd like to point out as an aside, Gavin pranked me once and got me so good, I'm still mad about it. So no amount of me surprising him with a

finger up the butt when he doesn't expect it will ever make up for the time he embarrassed me so badly in a hotel room. What was the Gavin prank? Are you talking about the tattoo one? Yeah. I'm still mad about that. Because it makes so much sense, it's still in my fucking head. But anyway, I don't want to drive.

I don't want to get on the side here. No. I think this sounds like a great detour. You're torturing Jake. Eh, we'll get back to Jake. We don't need to hear about that. I feel like you just don't want to talk about this, Frank. Jeff just doesn't like it because he was just so incredibly stupid and gullible

based on some sort of throwaway line that I threw out about tattooing. I was in your fucking country. The rules are different. I don't know how stuff works there. It was a long time ago. I'll summarize it for you, Andrew. We were just watching TV in the hotel room. Probably seeing what was in the minibar, watching some just bland TV. I'm sure Richard

Hammond was on Paddington, London I think. Yeah. And we're flipping around and on the TV comes this bloke in a suit, just giving someone a tattoo. Okay. Jeff was like a three piece suit, dude. Yeah. Why is that guy dressed in a suit?

And I was like, oh yeah, well here, you can't give a tattoo unless you're wearing a suit. And Jeff got livid. He was like, that makes no sense. No, you can't wear a suit. You need to get in the way. And he was just going off and off and I was Dying on the inside but trying to keep a straight face and eventually he just completely was bright red Completely exhausted himself, and then he figured out that I was bullshitting him and has been annoyed. I think for

Ten years about least yeah, that's a great prank Not really a prank No, it's a lie. I mean That's a great prank. Not really a prank. No, it's just a lie. I mean, not really a prank, but it was a great lie. He was really good at, because he's fucking annoying, right? And he's really good at just needling you a little bit more. As soon as

you start to calm down, he's like, he'll just drop the tiniest little thing that's so infuriating with that dumb I'm too stupid to be playing a prank on you or lying to you face that he has, that he is. Yeah, so I would just say one thing, Jeff would go on an absolute tirade. And then I'd be like, I'd just add to it. So I'd be like, wait, so you're telling me in America you can give a tattoo in like a t-shirt? And he would just continue to go off.

And he would be like like he'd be like how unprofessional and people use these tattoo artists it's a fantastic lie yeah it went on for way too long it's probably easily eight minutes yeah oh okay well how did he figure it out what was the turning point i think i was probably grinning or smirking laughing too hard oh you just you broke oh man there's a world in which you didn't break and jeff goes on potentially for years thinking that that's how this works oh what a reveal that would be yeah he's still mad about it i can tell you got the best of me that day gavin and that's rare it's it's hard because you're quite a smart person, which is why I don't know.

Maybe the jet lag. I don't know why you were just thick as shit that afternoon. Let's blame it on jet lag. I was definitely thick as shit. The one negative about the Jake prank is when I explained it to people. They wanted to know what stuff I've done to them that they weren't aware of. And it became like a whole confessional.

I had to really reveal there's some deep cuts. Just nothing serious. Just like small things I've done that are not great, but pretty funny. Once again, it's in the funny line. I think it's okay. Everyone's okay. I think it's okay. I think it's good.

Like one of the people, one time we're playing a game and they got a bowl of applesauce and they're like, I'm just going to eat this applesauce real quick. And I heard like three spoons and then they're like, I'm done. And I said, there's no way you could consume applesauce that fast. That's absurd. And he was like, no, I'm very fast at consuming applesauce. So then I flipped it because I had a realization in my brain. He thinks this is a skill. And I said, I bet you I can eat applesauce faster than you. And so he went, he got another bowl. And for the past like five months, like every three or four times we play a game together, I'll say, I want a rematch.

I think I could take you this time. I've never consumed an ounce of applesauce. I haven't touched it. I just sit there and listen to this guy devour bowls of applesauce and try not to laugh and just go, oh, you got me again. That was I was close. That was a real close one. I'm going to get you next time. So you found a way to keep this going long term.

That's something I've never been able to figure out. I'm like, oh, for 30 against this guy in applesauce races. I haven't come close to it. I don't even have applesauce races. I haven't come close to it. I don't even have applesauce. That guy eats so much applesauce that the people that work in his local grocery store look at him weird now. That guy's getting another,

that's like the 30th bottle of applesauce this guy's bought this month. The other thing, I had a few, it was one of those things where it's like, no, I haven't done really anything to you guys and it will actually, now I think about it,

there's this, there's one time, do you remember Rise of Iron in the first Destiny? Yeah. How it like added the snow mountain and you had to climb up the mountain to get the collectible? Oh yeah, oh yeah, it was annoying, yeah, yeah. It sucked. Yeah, well one night I had the idea of what if I just tell them that if you get to the peak, there's an exotic quest and I want to do the exotic quest and I need them to grab it.

So I explained that to them. They're like, great, let's do this exotic quest. And so I watched them for, I'm not exaggerating, maybe an hour, 45 minutes, try to reach the peak of a mountain that was inaccessible due to the walls. Like you literally couldn't climb it. And every time they would get to, I'd say like, oh, it's just right under the peak. And then they'd get there and I'd say, oh, I guess it's not. I guess you got to go higher.

They were getting higher than I thought was possible because they just kept trying over and over again. And this went on for nearly two hours. I had someone else message one of them saying, hey, you hear about this new exotic quest on the mountain? You want to do this later? That's where you're so good you that's your yeah you always provide like a third party that is secretly also you that's how you do it so well independent verification yeah yes you need you need someone else to help you sell it they did that for like two hours and when the guy realized that there was no quest he was not happy

he yelled are you fucking kidding me and then turned turned his Xbox off. And we didn't talk for a few days. He wasn't thrilled about that one. I mean, that's so much time. I feel like, once again, a colossal waste of that person's time just sapping up their life. Pretty funny, though. Retrospect, that was pretty good. That's a memory. We're making memories, Gavin.

That was great. The other confession I made, and you're talking about longevity. I'm proud of this one. I forgot I even did it. We're playing The Division when The Division first came out a long time ago. That's a game where you could take other people's loot. Like you could kill other players and take their stuff. Yeah, you go into the dark zone, right?

Yeah, exactly. We were in the dark zone. Somebody died and they had this really good shotgun and i grabbed it immediately but then one of the other people i was playing with accused the other guy he's like davo you took my fucking shotgun give me my shotgun that was my kill give me the shotgun he immediately accused him didn't accuse me so i didn't say anything and then since davo didn't have it he's like no i don't have it and then i decided to say you absolutely have it i saw you grab it it, give him back his shotgun. And then he started

protesting. He didn't have it. And so I just, I guess Devo really likes that shotgun. He doesn't want to give it up. And it became an argument between these two for years, for years, they would argue about the shotgun. And whenever we'd play a game and there'd be any point of conflict, I'd say, well, it's just like when De was stole that shotgun from you and then would bring it all the way back around. When did the division come out? Like 2004, 15 or so? Yeah, it was a while ago, dude. I mean, it's got a sequel already.

I told them that that was a joke a week ago. So that was a five year thing. They had a five year shotgun rivalry that was completely manufactured. How did they handle that knowledge? You know, it came after the applesauce revelation and the Destiny Mountain talk. So by that point, I think they just thought it was funny, but in a different context, probably not great. Are any of these relationships just permanently burned?

Like bridges in the water burned? Ooh, I wouldn't say so. I don't think so. Not from my perspective. I think we're all good. Okay. The fact that you can keep them up for so long, though, makes me worried at what pranks you've currently got going with me that I don't know about.

Yeah, I'm thinking the same thing. Can I ask a question real fast? Yeah, go ahead. Is my dad really dead? Or is this a thing? Is this like a five, six year prank you guys have been working on? I think you should answer the next call from California. Oh, it's so dark.

It went really dark. I didn't take it there. It got so quiet, I thought, oh, no. Maybe I went too dark. No. That was the best answer you could have ever given. That's the funniest fucking thing you've ever said, Andrew. Does it beat the foreskin joke?

Because I really thought for years, I thought, man, one day I'm going to say something about foreskin, and that's really going to be my peak. I'll never pass that. Which one was the foreskin joke? It was, Jeff was talking about foreskin or something, and the guy put a bunch of things in the foreskin, and I said it was like the worst version

of that guess how many jelly beans in a jar thing. Oh, yeah. No, the idea that I presented a joke that the idea that my dad hasn't been dead this whole time that you've been hiding him away as a prank and then your response was you should have picked up the phone when California called you the last nine times

is fucking funny, dude. That's a good one. If it makes you feel better, Jeff, it was Gavin's idea. It was his prank. I just was working. I know, I know, I know. What? My dad's tattooing in London and fucking creepy suits right now I'd oh it's like the

reverse of Todd Margaret when he opens the door and his dad walks in and he's been telling everybody he's dead oh yeah it's a great show in all seriousness Todd Margaret's a phenomenal show except season three was a little weird yeah it, it had like one really great moment, I thought. But outside of that, wasn't what I wanted for that show. Todd Margaret shitting himself trying to fart while I can relate is maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen on TV. That moment and the moment when the cop busts him for trying to dig up Lady Di's grave with a dildo.

God damn. You should see that show if you haven't seen it. I have a question for you, Gavin. Can you eat a dildo? God. Damn. You should see that show if you haven't seen it. I have a question for you, Gavin. Can you eat a box of pencils? If I just gave you a regulation-sized

box of pencils, you think you could eat those? Like, take the lead out. No lead. Where did that come from? I was just thinking about it i don't know it seemed like the conversation was going downwards so i thought i'll just ask a pencil do you think you can eat a box of pencils i just like that you had that queued up behind the current conversation ready to go i'll tell you where it came from i accidentally talked to andrew last night even though we're

not talking and then when i realized that we were talking I tried to get out of it and he refused to let me because I was like, no, this is a damn it, Andrew. We're not supposed to talk. We're podcasting now. And he was like, no, dickhead. We're having a conversation like we used to do before the stupid podcast. And then so we continued. But Andrew bet me I was bitching that the Celtics were going to blow a 20 point lead and lose a basketball game because they did the night before. And Andrew said that if the Celtics lose the basketball game, he would eat a door, which I thought was the funniest thing I've ever heard somebody say that they would eat. And then he went off on how he could eat a door for sustenance.

He could eat it in six months. No, a year. No, no, no, no. You said. Did I say six months? Yeah, you said if I needed to eat it to live, I could eat it in six years. Oh, here we go. Right here.

You were so adamant about it. This is exactly what you said. If I was just using it for snacks, I think it would take me a year. Yeah. But for cash or survival, I could do it in six months. Yeah, if I had to, I think I could cut that down in half. It was like a post on Reddit or something. And I was saying that you would die before you got

close to eating it. And then at some point, you said, I could eat a standard box of pencils in a month. Yeah. That seems a lot more doable. The lead is the issue with the pencil. It's not real lead. It's graphite. I don't want to eat the thing, though. I don't know. It seems bad. But you want to eat a bunch of wood with, like,

paint on it? I think I could eat the wood. I don't think the wood would be the problem. You shave it, you put on a sandwich, you don't even taste it. You're gonna get heart splinters, I'm telling you. I don't think you get splinters from pencil shavings. I hate it. So you're gonna just like sharpen all the pencils down? Yeah, it's like grated cheese.

Grated cheese that tastes like... What? I don't think... I think you will taste it, and I think... No, you put it in with other things and you don't even taste it. Have you ever got like a bunch of sawdust, but it got wet. So it makes this like weird paste. No, I have no experience with wood. I think it would clog up your stomach. Well, you don't eat a lot at once.

You got to space it out a little bit. So you, you just admit that you don't have a lot of experience with wood. You are wood ignorant. I'm wood ignorant. All in up to it. A wood ignorant man feels like he could eat a bedroom door, which I'm assuming is like one of those, like not solid

core doors. Yeah, like a hollow core. It's a hollow core door probably. So it's a lot less wood, admittedly. But the idea that you think that you could ingest that is mind boggling. Andrew, you couldn't eat 50 burgers and they are food. You know, that's another thing. I think I could eat 25 doubles

I'm thinking about that So you're worried that the bread content is what held you back? I think there was the bread I feel I couldn't actually be more confident I could eat 25 doubles that seems like no problem at all even after failing after the singles you want to make it a thing you Want to do 25 doubles in 10 hours? Okay, what do I have to gain? What's the bet here? 50 bucks. I'm down 50, but then I'll be down a hundred. That's a lot, because I'm down

on the saves. Wait, look, once again, Andrew, you brought this to me. You said you think you could do it. I'm just saying I think I can do it. Let me negotiate. How about this? Andrew, you owe Gavin $50. I do, but I'm okay. Continue. What if we double down?

If you win the bet, that is absolved, right? And Gavin gives you $50. Okay? So it's initially a $100 swing. Your $50 debt is wiped out, and you receive $50 from Gavin. However, if you lose, you still owe Gavin the initial $50, but you must film yourself eating a leadless

pencil. The other issue is the burgers. The burgers are not cheap. The financial value of said task. Yeah, I mean, I'm already down on the hats. I'll pay for the burgers. I'm happy to pay for the burgers. Look, this is for content for this podcast.

We can expense the cost of the burgers. Couldn't expense the hats, apparently. The hats were inexpensive. That's all I've been hearing about. Can't do it. No one's ever done it before.

Everyone wants the hats. What do you mean, Eric? No one wanted the hats. Right. Everyone wants the hat. It's what you do. And this is funny as well because you basically

have to fill out an expense form with face written on it. We will somehow get the company to pay for the burgers. Yeah, yeah. I'll pay out of pocket if they won't. I don't give a ****. I got burger money. I can do this. Okay. I'm not opposed to this. And also, just for the record, Andrew, I'm on

your side with the hats, whatever side that is. Thank you. I'm buddying up to you. Yeah. I'm gonna go back to your side on having a shitty mic. Oh, thanks. Whatever your position is, I don't even know anymore who can remember from an hour ago. I just, I'm with you. We like the blue hat, I think, is what we said. Let's go there.

Everyone wants that. I'm all on my own now. Okay. Well, I think we have a kind of a burger deal. What do you mean kind of? Let's make it official. That's what I'm saying. Can we just go through?

I'm a man of details. The details are important. Let's go through. Here's the details then. Based on what we've talked about so far and based on the previous bet, you have 10 hours to consume 25 double hamburgers. From? We should specify where the McDonald's. From McDonald's.

So is that a double cheeseburger? Just a double. Oh, wait. Let me think about this for a second. That is a very important question. You were foiled last time by the sameness of each burger. So maybe. That's, once again, Gavin, you're giving me good tip.

Could I do 10 no cheese, 10 cheese? Am I allowed to switch up the variation of these burgers? I think as long as each burger at minimum contains two bits of a bun, two patties, and the things that come with a standard double, you can

switch that up around wherever you want. You can add cheese, you can add a gherkin. Okay. I'm a big fan of this too because we're doing this on the second episode of a back-to-back episode. I have weeks where I can practice. Don't forget about your homework with the Discord and the puzzle and all that. Oh God, I forgot about it. That's a lot of work. Oh, Jesus Christ. And you have to make your grid in Photoshop or whatever. I'm looking at the McDonald's menu right now. And from what I can tell, they have three things that would fit the bill.

I don't consider a Big Mac to be a double. No. No, absolutely not. Right. Fuck you, a Big Mac. These are the three things that are considered doubles. I'm just trying to get verification from you guys. This is y'all's bet.

Sure. I'm trying to be an independent arbiter. Yeah. I see a double quarter pounder with cheese i would assume that would count no we're talking the singles menu okay just a double burger they sell a mcdouble or a double cheeseburger the photos look the same i think they are the same maybe you should just do double cheeseburgers and maybe just remove you have permission to remove the cheese from however many you want don't they melt the cheese that seems like a lot of have permission to remove the cheese from however many you want. Don't they melt the cheese? That seems like a lot of work.

Can he remove the pickles? Yeah, I mean, I could do a custom order. They have a kiosk where I can hit the buttons. I think, well, can I go in? I feel like to make this easier, you just got to make sure you eat the bun and the patties from each one. Okay. Then you're free to do whatever you want with the gubbins and the flavors.

I think we have a bet. But it's 25 in 10 hours. 25 doubles. And you made it to 30 in 10 hours 31 on single a lot of months i don't think the bun will hold me back this time i feel pretty good about this one i'm just counting on the fact that hopefully all that extra meat will gum up the works and you won't make it to 25 i'm nervous actually about this one because the first time you brought this ridiculous 50 burger challenge to me i knew that there was absolutely no way i didn't even have to put a second of thought into it you were not good you were not

going to do that this entirely doable and you've obviously learned a lot from your previous attempt i don't think i've learned that much i mean i've learned a little bit but and then all i have to do if you win is uh give you the value of a hundred dollars no wait what wait wait a second what do you mean wait a second the value of a hundred can No, wait. What? Wait a second. What do you mean? Wait a second. The value of $100? Can we check the tapes? Can someone check the tapes? Arbitrator.

What's the difference between $100 and the value of $100? There's a lot different between the value of $100 and $100. I could give you $100 worth of gold.

You could give me $100 worth of fucking pencils. What am I going to do with those? Sell them on eBay. I can't even sell my hats. Maybe he wants to give you $101 bills. Maybe he wants to give you $52 bills. You don't know. Where do you get

that many $2 bills? The bank. You can send it however you want. I don't care. Okay. So if he sent you $100 worth of pennies, you'd be okay with that? Totally fine. Well, wait, no. There are pennies in Canada. You said any currency. Well, I think the bank would probably, I don't know about that. Could I take pennies to a bank?

Yeah, it's a bank. What do you mean? Canada doesn't have pennies, though. I don't know if we're against pennies as an entire concept. They have foreign currency. They don't just ban all pennies. Do you know that as a fact? Because they're pretty anti-penny here.

No, but if you bought, like, say you had a finite amount of currency that you were trying to change, and it came out to an odd amount of US dollars, and they had to dispense four pennies to make it up. I think that they would do that, and they would have pennies. I don't know if they take the pennies. Hey, how about this? Vancouver Island's not that far from America. If it's a big deal, hop on a bus, take your pennies down across the border and, you know,

get them changed out at a Coinstar. Oh, yeah. There's no issue with traveling right now. It's a great plan. It's easy to do. Yeah, you could get into America pretty easily. I bet you couldn't get back to Canada. No, I can't.

I don't think I can. I don't think I can get into. Do they have Coinstar at your grocery stores? Yeah, but then I lose. I'm taking, Coinstar's taking a cut at that point. Yeah, that's yeah but then i lose i'm taking coin stars taking a cut at that point yeah that's true that's true i mean there's a cut being taken if i give you a hundred dollars worth of pennies the cut is you're wasting time and effort you moving the pennies you probably have to pay for someone to bring you to the bank i don't feel like i'm wasting time with that how

many pennies is a hundred dollars is that a hundred thousandies? How did you do the math so fast, Jeff? Yeah. Wait, how many did you say? I don't know. How many? 100,000? It's 100 times 100. Hold on. Let me do the math. Carry the one. The trick to solving math problems very quickly is just be wrong confidently.

Oh, yeah. 10,000. It's just two wrong confidently. Oh, yeah, 10,000. It's just two zeros. It's two zeros. How much does 10,000 pennies weigh? It's not light. Maybe a lot. I mean, if you have a duffel bag of 20s, it's like 20 pounds. All right, let's do a digital handshake on this, Andrew.

Digital handshake, okay. You feel like we've got all the details that you wanted in there? I feel like I'm a little opposed to the pennies, but I'm a little worried about the safety of it. Should we check in with a doctor to make sure it's safe for you to eat a pencil on camera? It's not safe. Of course it isn't.

I'm gonna win, so I'm not gonna eat the pencil. We agreed that you're gonna eat the pencil dressed as Pissboy, right? Isn't that just my normal clothes? Yes, correct. You heard it. You heard it here. He just admitted that he is P't that just my normal clothes? Yes, correct. Okay. You heard it. You heard it here. He just admitted that he is piss boy

in his normal clothes. I said it last episode too. It's not an alter ego at that point. It's just an ego. Can we maybe get some photographic progress? Yeah.

Okay. Sure. I mean, I think, I really think the strategy would be grading it down and then putting it like... It's your pencil theory again. You can't grade everything that you want to eat no i'm not sorry i thought we were talking about

pencils i wouldn't grate the burgers i thought you meant what would my approach be on the pencil if i lost no i'm not there's no grating of the burger i don't need to it's gonna be easy i was thinking like what are you gonna put the burgers on if you're great you don't have a burger grater just a grated burger on a pencil. Is that a Canadian thing? Yeah. I'm going to throw it in just for flavor. A little extra crunch. Yeah.

So I want photographic evidence of the progress of the burgers and then of the eventual pencil when you lose. And you can't cheat. Like, I've got no way of verifying. I'm not sure if you want to set me up with like a live webcam where I can monitor. I didn't. Why would I cheat? I have integrity. No, wait.

We should do that. We should have a live feed that just I can see and I'll be like the adjudicator. It's going to be ugly. I know it's going to be ugly. You think you want that? By Burger 8, you're not going to want that. Look, I'm not going to be there watching the entire time.

I'm just- Well, then what's the point of having the webcam? The point is that you won't cheat because you know that I might be watching. Why would I cheat when I already lost the first bet? Why wouldn't I have cheated the first time? Stream it in your private Discord server and let the thousand people watch it, and that's the reward.

Great idea. Eric is now typing in all caps for us to end this podcast. Okay. I guess it's time. By the way, I think it'd be about 65 pounds of pennies, so it'd probably cost Gavin a fair amount to mail you $100 worth of pennies. Oof.

So you should factor that in, Gav. I like hearing that. I think we're settled on these details and I think you've got the go-ahead to get this done before potentially the next episode of F*** Face. Okay. Let me know how to help. Okay. Like if you need me to send some hamburgers, I will what is it? Do you have DoorDash or Uber Eats

or whatever in Canada? We do but it's my building, it's complicated. What are you living in? in an insane asylum or something? It's, I don't trust. There's puddles of piss to navigate. Gavin, what if we found out that this entire time we were friends with Andrew, he was criminally insane?

And the few times he came down to Austin, he was on a day pass. What does that weigh? To put a label on it, sure, that might be the case, but what does that really change? It's a good point. I have never broken the law. I want that on record. You, what? I haven't broken the law.

You must have by accident. Oh, by accident, sure, who hasn't? You're a peeping Tom who watches women pee! Yeah, that's not legal. That can't be legal. That is not true. I did smuggle popcorn into a movie theater. That's probably technically a crime. I'm probably technically a smuggler. No, that's just policy. That's not law. Here's your homework. I think it might be

law. It's not law to bring popcorn anywhere. No, I think it might be law. I think you're not allowed to bring food into, that's not from the theater. I think that's law. I think that's probably company policy, probably not the law. I think it's law. I think I've heard it's law. Eric, help us. Help us. We're not actually getting any closer to the end and I don't think we're gonna do it. Oh yeah, we're supposed to end it. Do you think that the popcorn is trespassing? Is that where you think it's illegal? I think that

there is a law in which you can't bring food and I think it's a law. I don't think it's just policy. We're gonna have to get the f*** face legal team on that. The only law I can think of is if you bring a banned food into a country where you're not allowed to bring that food. I think it's a law. I'm pretty sure it's a law. Eric, you're going to have to chime in on the conversation in order

to steer us to the end because... Eric, are you a lawyer? Is popcorn trespassing? Popcorn is not trespassing. It's not illegal. It's just against company policy. Just want to say thank you everyone for listening to this week's episode of F*** Face. We're super... I'm about to do it and I'm about to this week's episode of face we're super i'm about

to do it and i'm about to do the best job you've ever heard real quick question though where do you side on the andrew is living in an insane asylum and gets out on day passes to come visit us i'm with gavin even if we found out that it is true what does it change yeah by the way can we make a is popcorn trespassing shirt i think we should okay. Okay, I'll ask for it. I'm pretty sure it's a law. That should be a shirt too. I'm pretty sure it's a law. You guys are just rife with shirt ideas. Is it illegal to bring food into a movie theater?

I'm looking it up. Of course it's not illegal. Jeff, end this. What law is that breaking? You cannot end this. I think I have to end it. How about this? Tune in next time to find out. Did Andrew eat the burgers? There you go. How's the pencil taste?

Is it illegal to trespass popcorn into a movie theater? I'm pretty sure it's a law or isn't it? I think it might be a federal crime. You're going to want to buy those two shirts

along with the Russian fuck hat shirt and potentially a black, probably not red, but maybe a black and white one of a kind face hat.

Also, speaking of clothes, I make clothes. Buy some of Jeff's clothes. You wear clothes. I make clothes. That'll be fun. Thanks for listening. This was a podcast. Be sure to rate us five out of ten stars or ten out of five.

Interesting. I just connected some dots. Okay. Jeff of the Jeff line wants to put the pant line in a museum. Oh, my God. This is very interesting. Guys, goodbye listeners.

A museum is where prized possessions belong. But I could just make a museum and fill it with shit and it's not a prized possession because it's in a building called a museum. You just described

the Radio Hall of Fame. It's a fake thing in a basement. Thanks for listening. This was F*** Face. I thought the show ended three minutes ago. Oh, it's still not over because people keep talking.

Apple Podcasts and Spotify are places that people send reviews about podcasts that they enjoy. Since this is a podcast and we're hoping you enjoyed it, maybe you would share that joy with other people in the world. It may sound like an annoying task for you, but trust me, it's way more annoying to have to say it every week, and it honestly does help. And without help, we're all going to have to go back to real jobs,

and Andrew is going to have to go back to watching his piss fetish stuff on the internet. I'm in an asylum, so I'm good. It doesn't really matter to me. Off the rails. Absolutely off the rails. Absolutely off the rails. I guess that's it.