F**kface - The British Jackal // Beard Faucet [202]

Episode Date: April 10, 2024

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Nick’s real life laugh, the goodbye party started by an evil man, Graysie the British Jackal, hourly nightmares, Andrew and Eric going to the mall and making code words, convincing people of time travel, our mall era, Geoff promotion and demotion cycle, childhood disappointments, trying to get Will Sasso in content, DCOM’s, Andrew lying to get a library card, what based on a true story really means, Kirk Cameron, the Twitch streamed UFC fight, mustache hairs, The Matrix MMO, and more. Sponsored by FÜM: Start the Good Habit at https://tryfum.com/FACE to save 10% off the Journey Pack today. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm... Yeah, I'm the first one. What do you mean you're the first one? I was recording before anyone else was. I've been recording for two minutes. I just didn't... One minute and seven. Look at me!

Two minutes recording time. When you sync this up, can you let us know who actually did, in fact, record first? We'll find out. It's definitely Gavin because I started five seconds prior. I didn't know he's recording two minutes.

There wasn't even two minutes. What's your timer? What's my timer right now? Give me a second. Let me... 32 seconds. 42. 44.

45. I'm a minute 33 you loser good for you you know you know what they say first the worst second the best just throwing that out there think about that we're not playing that we're in our playground what what an unfortunate transition of eras. On paper, that does not look great. Oh, come into the playground? Oh, no. All right, so we start here. Go ahead, Jeff. Hello, and welcome to another episode of the F*** Face Podcast. This is episode 202.

It is our 201st episode, and we are so excited to be presenting our special brand of comedy and friendship to you. My name is Geoff Ramsey. With me, as always, Andrew Panton and Gavin Free. Fellas, start entertaining. Do you know what made me excited the other day? What? Who? I was talking to Nick in real life, and I made him laugh. Oh my god. And the real life laugh hits different.

What? I'd assume it's the exact same. I mean, it is. But I was just like, wow, I'm witnessing it live. Wow. It's different. It's different in that you feel it differently when you're in the same room.

Interesting. I've never made Nick laugh in person. What? That's life goals. Something to try. Okay, never mind. Nick said no. What are you talking about

have you ever been in a room with me come on we were hanging out at the company's ending party briefly there's an ending party

for the company I don't know what it was it was just I got a calendar invite that everyone was going to be at easy tiger so I just went along how was it

was it nice yeah it was nice uh yeah the ending party nice it was a lot of the same conversations uh you know like you see someone it's like oh how's it going it was like yeah dog shit the world's ending dog shit who is the event organizer david duke like what this sounds like a terrible party. Interesting choice for event organizer. I also met a bunch of people and I spoke to them for the first time on the last day of the company's tour.

Who's David Duke? David Duke was a racist politician from Louisiana, I believe. No, I don't know why. I was like the head of the, I think he was the head of the Ku Klux Klan for a while. Oh yeah, Iones david jones is who i meant right who the fuck is david jones david jones is from the david jones locker no or david jones from the monkey who's the jones

david jones the locker guy the locker guy or the guy from the monkeys. What was the Jonestown guy's name? Jim Jones. Jim Jones. There we go. That's what I meant. But you started it. David Duke. I just I think I went into the evil man folder my brain and that's what came out first. So Sigourney Weaver started a party.

It's the it's the illiterate thing, right? Because it's David Duke, Jim Jones. He was getting caught up on the same letter. First name, last name thing. Maybe once we realized there was a problem, I went, well, I know it's Jonestown, so it has to be a Jones last name. And then we carried on from there. Let's run that back.

Let's do fluke face. So you had an end party and it was hosted by Jim Jones that was perfect thanks yeah I practiced I was talking about this a little bit in my so alright podcast that I recorded today where

it's just it's so it's so weird because the company everything's ending and wrapping up but for like two months so it's like the most prolonged series of goodbyes ever It's so weird because the company, everything's ending and wrapping up, but for like two months. So it's like the most prolonged series of goodbyes ever. Does anybody else feel that way? Oh yeah. Every time I talk to somebody,

I feel like it's just continuing the same long conversation that's just kind of always happening. I don't know. It's the weirdest thing to sit in and just like we have another like five weeks of it or four weeks of it ahead of us you know we've already been doing it for three weeks yeah i keep having like a really good time with people that i've never met before and i'm like man where were they the whole time but it really was where was i the whole time trying to hang out with you but you were reclusive? Oh man. Death party.

Sounds terrible. It was just a happy hour. Like it was just a thing to get together to be like Oh why did he Why did he call it a death party? It's Gavin. That's a I don't

You're never gonna get that answered. I don't know. Did I call it a death party? You definitely did. I don't think I did. And by that I'm once again established I'm not think I did. And by that, I once again established

I'm not a reliable narrator when I say that. But you absolutely did. Roll the tape. You called it an ending, Rusty, this ending party. Andrew brought in cults and racist politicians for some reason. Yeah.

I say this lovingly, but I think the British jackal is going to have a clip next week, and I'm for some reason. Yeah. I say this lovingly, but I think the British Jackal is going to have a clip next week, and I'm ready for it. I have a feeling. The British Jackal? I just called him the British Jackal. I don't know why.

I'm sick. That's so cool. That's the coolest nickname. The British Jackal? It makes him sound like he wears sunglasses all the time. That's the coolest nickname. The British Jackal? It makes him sound like he wears sunglasses all the time. That's so awesome. Oh, I love the British Jackal. The British Jackal could be a wrestler.

He could be an international man of mystery. He could be a spy. It applies to a lot of things. It's pretty wide open. I would jump on that if I were you, Gav. Oh, you're talking about me? Yeah! Who else would you're talking about me? Yeah! Who else would I be talking about? Who the fuck else is

bro? What are you talking? You think he's talking about Gracie? He's just been saying names for the last five minutes. I don't know what you're talking about. Gracie the British Jackal. I don't know what day it is. When I see that screenshot on this call, I think British Jackal. I don't know what day it is. When I see that screenshot on

this call, I think British Jackal. They've done it again. It's becoming clear to me in recording these back-to-back episodes that Andrew and Gavin are diminishing around us. In front of us. I'm starting to get

a little worried about you two. Because we need to start a new thing together and you guys are twisting in the wind right now. Well, you got to break the old thing. We got the foundation is cracked and we just are going to break it more until we build a house. No, I just got it jacked up

and 1.14 inches or whatever. The foundation's fine. Jacked up 1.4 inches. Oh, God. Come era. Once again. 1.1. Wait, what? What what that was a cum shoehorn this is this is gonna go down as our weirdest start to an episode it is so old andrew are you okay i said listen we talked about a chisel and you brought it to the cum era and Jeff's over here talking about jacking his 1.4

And that's a stretch for cum get out of here. That is a stretch for cum. No, it's not He's jacking away at his 1.4 What's 1.4? His dick! It was 1.4! That's the funniest dick in the world! Alright, it's my dick. You've seen my dick, Kevin. You see my dick a bunch. It's perfectly fine. It's a totally fine dick.

Stop. Stop. The British Jackals here. She's going to get mad. Gracie, congratulations on being on the new nickname. I, I,

I jealous. Honestly, I wish somebody would call me the British Jackal. Weren't you metal snake? Yeah. Wow would call me the British Jackal. Weren't you Metal Snake? Yeah. Wow, Metal Snake to British Jackal? Yeah, I've really, you know, elevated. Would you even know how that came about, Gracie?

Say we were at the death party that just happened, and you were like, hey, I'm British Jackal. I'd be like, oh, how'd you get that name? No, I, no. What are you talking about what are you saying what are you saying what is anyone saying no what was the point of your story it was a story it was a scenario where i was like can you even explain that back to its origin no but it's different okay i see

i mean it did just happen in front of you right now, Gracie. Right, but like, talking to a third party, no, wouldn't even bother. He's like, how does anybody get a nickname? Well, I don't know. Exactly. Why is it your business? I'll tell you the first thing a British Jackal doesn't do.

It's justify their name to you. Never going to explain himself. I felt like the British part really narrowed it in to who I was talking about. And I felt saying... What am I, the only British person? On this show, yes! Yeah, you're kind of the British part. He's the Canadian.

I'm the American. You're the Brit. It's kind of our thing for 202. Yeah, but you talked about other British people. Yeah, but I said, I think the British Jackal is going to have a clip for next week. You're always bringing clips up. No one else is doing the clips. You're a clips man.

Okay. You got a lot of clips. So we had almost 201 episodes of material in us is what i'm learning god damn it we're just so goddamn stupid turns it turns out it turns out warner brothers do what they were doing they timed it almost perfectly i'll be honest with you i had the weirdest night's sleep of my entire life. I woke up from a nightmare exactly every hour from like 11 until 4. Same nightmare? No, different nightmares.

It was always like the time and 50 minutes. And I somehow pissed like a full bladder every single time. I don't know where all this blood was coming from. So how many hours or how many times did you wake up then? Did you sleep for eight hours? Was it eight hours of pee and nightmares? Well, it took me a while to get back to sleep

each time. So I'd say it was maybe combined it was like five or six hours. Wow. Did the five or six nightmares could you string them together into some sort of a narrative

or were they all completely separate? That was a question for you, Gavin, just so you know. My computer cut out. Hang on. Let me answer on his behalf. Can you not hear me now? Yeah, we can hear you. No, I can hear you.

Odessi is a blank white screen. Oh, who's recording for us now, motherfucker? Eat my dust. Hang on. on is it gonna pull through is it gonna pull through come on oh please come on now get these stop saying how does this happen don't you have like the most powerful equipment of all of us no test oh he can't even yes i'm talking to no one no no i was listening i just i was trying to get my waveform. Yeah, I guess I could have just answered the question

instead of saying that. But then the waveform wouldn't have known you were testing. I think we're good. I think there may be some slippage there in the edit. Where's your waveform right now? What timer? Oh, that's a good question. Yeah.

Where are you at? 13 minutes. Fuck! You've gotten further ahead somehow. How? I'm at 1215. He was a minute and a half ahead of me before. Fuck! I'm slowing down! What is happening? I think we're all experiencing time drift.

I think it's possible. Dude, speaking of that, they're onto me with the backwards robocalls. Haven't had another one. They were worried I was going to record one. And they've stopped. Interesting. Really?

Yeah. Stop those. I still haven't gotten anything like that. I've been anticipating a weird call of some kind because you both have been getting them. All my fun is over. Nobody has called me and tried to sell me anything since the last. Since I got three or four, which I'm a little bummed about. I have a very odd question, but it's tied to sleep. I had I had a weird dream recently that involved Eric.

Eric was part of the dream. And I was at a cum dream. We are not doing British Jackal says no more. Come on. OK, go ahead. Don't say the dream. Was it a come dream? We're not doing British Jackal says no more. Come on. Okay, go ahead, Andrew. Don't say the word. My dream was... What? What do you mean? What word?

You're fine. Ignore Jeff. What word? No, keep going. Eric said come on, so let's come on. Okay. I'm jacking my 1.1. Andrew, please come on, so let's come on. Okay. I'm jacking my 1.1. Andrew, please come on. I was dreaming that I ended up somehow back in 2015, and I was trying to get back home.

I was in the States. I was in a different state, but I didn't know which state, and I was in 2015, and encountered eric at a mall and i remembered that we had all agreed to have a code word to indicate if any of us had ever gone back in time but then i couldn't remember the code word and then i realized it also hasn't happened in this timeline yet so it's a useless code word um but i was trying to convince eric that we actually were friends and work together in the future and he was having none of it it was not a convincing conversation with him did he not know who you are in 2015 had no idea and also still don't really

know what he looks like so you know none of this is gonna help i knew what eric looked like but i there's actually concerned not concerned about it going that way it's just sort of the reciprocation there's a funny story of jeff explaining the chicken dinner challenge on an episode of sports ball that eric is on and eric has no idea who i am and it's funny to watch none in this context. But my question is, is there anything a person could say that could convince you that they were a time traveler? Yes. They just approached you.

Interesting. And also, can I just say really weirdly, it just kind of freaked me out. When you were relaying your dream just now, I got so much deja vu. It felt so familiar like i've had a very like maybe not the same dream but a very similar dream it really creeped me out for a second oh that was really weird we can only have a code word for if we go back in time to

after this point yeah like a code word would only work to that point and i was before that point so we need to settle on the code word well i i think i was just curious if we had something and i'd assume would have to be from your childhood like a word or like a a phrase that would be like oh wow oklahoma person now it's gotta be more rattlesnake shampoo it's gotta be something that doesn't make any sense uh apocalypse hoboken I like that I mean it would be British Jackal but I feel like we've said it so many times

in this episode it can't be British Jackal well also Gracie's assumed the identity now too so it's true yeah the problem would be I'd say British Jackal and then nine years later Eric would be like that say british jackal and then nine years later eric would be like that guy that guy in the mall my god what my god at the mall the british jackal speaking of the mall uh you remember a while back i i came up with the idea for us to do that mall

game and we were just like we were starting to get into a bit of a mall era. We never, I feel like we put our toes in it, but we never fully dove in yet. You know, I say yet because the future is obviously unwritten. One of the ideas I had when bouncing around was that we could all get mall jobs for a month or so and just, and then hang out and take our breaks together and stuff. Well,

my calendar just cleared up is I was thinking what what's to stop us all from working at the mall now we really could i wanted to live in a mall i wanted to find a place that where you could live they're like because there's restrictions in most states and or provinces for like zoning laws i'd love to find one where it would be legal to live in a mall. Just rent out a mall space. There have been a lot of those stories on Reddit lately where like,

I read two different ones. One where this group of friends built an apartment on top of a parking garage for years. They got away with it in like Philadelphia or somewhere. And then the other one

was this dude, I think he was a criminal and ended up going to jail for stuff, but he built an apartment behind like a stairwell in a mall and lived there for a couple years and would come out at night and fuck around and then go back in in the daytime got away with it for years yeah i've heard of i've heard of people living in like fully boxed off rooms between rooms at the mall yeah there's just no doors to them you have to like cut your way in you have like eight malls in a row, right, Andrew?

So you gotta take your pick. Oh, yeah, they're in a line. I could do that like a low-stakes inside man. I'm just between a subway and a Japanese fast food place in the food court.

I could do that. What is Japanese fast food? I like Edo, Japan for Canada. Like the mall Japanese place. Oh, yeah. We used to have a place called Zen that advertised itself as Japanese fast food on South Congress. It was okay.

It was like bowls. I feel like every mall cafeteria has that Asian place in it. I feel like that's part of the experience. Man, when I was at our mall the other day walking around, which by the way, still back, still kicking it,

really looking forward to us all working there soon. I saw that there's a new Philly cheesesteak place in our mall. I don't remember what it was called, but I got pretty excited about it. Do you think you want to eat there

or work there? Both. Why not? No, I feel like I would work at like the Hallmark store. That seems like my speed. Do you think you would struggle with a food service job in the same way that you did in the past? Yeah, I would have a real problem with it.

I worked fast food in high school. I was a dishwasher at Sidney's Fried Chicken, right? I'm sure I've talked about that a million times, but I got promoted to front of house where I could take orders. And then I got demoted. I did that three times in the year and a half. I worked there because every time I'd get promoted, I would make the customers uncomfortable.

And so they would make me go back and wash dishes. And I was like the, I was like, that way. But what were you actually doing? What was making them uncomfortable? I was just fucking with them. I was just having fun.

I was just being me at 17. But it kept being like, yeah, the customers aren't getting it. You can't do it anymore. You got to go back. I would argue with them or I'd fuck with them or I don't know. I would just be me.

And it was it was too off-putting to the people that were trying to buy fried chicken and so every time they would give me like a week and they'd go yeah you're still you're still back I was the lowest man on the totem pole for a year and a half I got three of my friends hired at that at that fast food restaurant they all went on to be paid more and have more responsibility than i did the entire time i was yeah i was like i was like permanently bottom rung at that i'd still be washing dishes at that fast food restaurant today uh if i was trying to climb that ladder i say the bottom rung is the coolest it's always the pressure like the hero is hanging off in the end of the movie what do you think your biggest

childhood disappointment was like something like an ad you saw on tv and then you tried it and it was just gack i've got mine i think i have mine i'm thinking when you guys go ahead of me gaff sunny delight or sunny d i guess it's called i remember thinking those ads were so cool i remember when it came to the uk everything was like so cool and sunny and basketball and shit and it looked delicious and i had some and it just tastes like water like orangey thin water rank mine's not a product it's a movie but they they sold me an idea that was turned out to be utter bullshit and for me it was there was this movie that came out when i was a real young kid called the explorers i don't know if y'all ever saw it or remember it it had river phoenix in it. And it was about a bunch of kids my exact age,

because we were about the same age. And in their backyard, they kept getting ideas or like dreams or something about building a spaceship. And so out of like a trash can and a bunch of garbage around their neighborhood, they built a spaceship that worked and went to space. And I thought, I will be able to do this in my lifetime. And I figured out really quickly that that was complete and utter bullshit. And trash cans are just trash cans. And I was so fucking that was like one of those moments in my life where I went like you get a dose of reality and you realize the world isn't magic. I got mine and I was a kid.

This is all within. This is me being persuaded by advertising and then being greatly disappointed at it is what it was you found out the house hippo wasn't real the house hippo was not first of all it is real how dare you second of all no it has if anything this would be a house hippo delight i am not a big cheese person just because growing up milk allergy and whatnot but i would see ads for cheese strings all the time and i'd see kids eating them in fun ways and i was convinced at one point that these were fucking awesome oh i remember i've seen the cover for these floors i didn't know it's interesting look at how cool that cheese looks he's riding a cheese board he's got wacky hair he looks fucking awesome

yeah and then i got one finally and i did the wacky hair thing but then you keep pulling and eventually you just got a whole bunch of strands of cheese and it really loses its appeal and it's also for me not something i'd really eat it's called cheese strings though yeah no it is what it is what it is but i was convinced by the marketing that it was a lot cooler and i have a lot more fun with it than i did i've just noticed there's no e at the end of cheese because it has to spell strings and that's really pissing me off yeah i agree actually that's weird but i guess cheese strings wouldn't look that good my wife and my kid eat those things all

day long i can't i like cheese but i can't eat it in that format it just i can't i was never into them and and people who eat them all cheesy string like you see their tongue a lot is there like yeah dangle it down their mouth hole it's like trying to give a it's like trying to give a cheese stick a blowjob all day long. I don't get it. Did they ever do like a soft cheese interior? Oh. Like what's that?

Like three on the inside or raclette? Oh, yeah. Like really stringy. I guess it's all stringy. It is all stringy. That's sort of the point. You like hollow it out and fill it with ricotta and then close it I uh Gracie said how's his Heelys or moon shoes

what moon shoes again they were like the shoes that were supposed to make you bounce like twice as high but they were really just clunkers no they were loud and I think you probably jumped less high with them. Yeah, those, those.

Yeah, those look awesome. They didn't work. Jumped less high? No. Like, I remember in my garage, I would be banging around in there and nothing worked. I kind of want to test it. I kind of want to see if you can jump on it.

Yeah, I want to get some moon shoes now. No, you don't. They're terrible. Well, now I definitely want to. He's 100% right. Oh, you're not good. Well, while I still have the card, I'll buy them. Okay.

Thank you. We can still use our cards. A pair for each of us. I'm going to until it's taken away. Yeah, get a couple of moon shoes for us. That'd be great. Yeah, I'll get everyone a pair. Yay! But for real? For us. That'd be great. Yeah, I'll get everyone a pair. Yay!

But for real? For content. Why not? Yeah. What are they going to do? Take our moon boots? I don't know. I think so.

They're going to... They'll take the card, but we'll still have our boots. Now that is a precedent I can get behind. I hope Gracie. I like the idea of these moon shoes going through the company, though, and being like bar-coded as probably in recent years. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than moon shoe permission.

Exactly. It's like that scene in movies where a character goes bankrupt and the movers are moving the things in their office while they're standing there but with like shoes I always visualize Adam Sandler diving onto the couch in Happy Gilmore as they're taking it away

taking away his grandmother's shit you know who was taking that couch away that was Will Sasser oh yeah oh it was wasn't it yeah and then they they watch him drive the ball into the house opposite yeah the fucking the only dude we ever tried to pay money for either she didn't want anything to do with us you remember that we tried to contact his agent when we did the first let's play live yeah we did the first let's play live

at the um what is the man's chinese theater called now gromman's theater or it's not even that it's uh i mean why did what what is it called where they do the academy awards what is that place called anybody dolby theater dolby theater yeah we we did we did that show there live right and we wanted to have will sasso come out and do his uh his doobie brothers bit singing in the shower we wanted to just have him do that which was a big thing in achievement hunter them singing that song you know the and we would always fucking we would just we would just brutalize it over and over and over in videos, singing it. And lampooning him, lampooning it.

And yeah, we got to his manager, I think, and pitched him and had money and everything. And he was like, no, no, thank you. It's two minutes of work. And he's like, I mean, there's no way we had enough money for him to go. Probably not. We had a little bit of money, not a lot of money. That was probably my favorite Vine. Yeah, me too.

It might be the only Vine I liked. He also has an appearance in the 1996 Doctor Who movie, where the Doctor dies and he's working in the hospital and then he regenerates and comes back to life. The Doctor in Doctor Who has had so many different deaths. He's been killed by electricity or something in space.

In the movie, the Doctor lands the TARDIS in LA and gets gunned down by some guy in an alley. It's so out of place. He just gets shot with an Uzi and then Will Sasso watches him come back to life. That's fantastic. But I just like the first thing that he does in the USA

is get shot to death. It's the quintessential American experience. I recently watched, I've been watching DCOMs because they're just things I missed growing up. A lot of them. And I watched You Lucky Dog, which has one of those. They go bankrupt and they're taking everything. This is You Lucky Dog.

Kirk Cameron movie. Nineteen ninety eight. I want to say it's it's really bad. It's about a guy that can like talk to his dog telepathically as a teenager and so he's a dog therapist but he lost the ability so he's just conning people but then he meets a million like a billionaire type figure and he reconnects with that dog and then that guy dies and he inherits all of his money because i guess the dog gets it uh but a highlight is they tried to do like they show flashbacks of him as a high school like teenager and they did not try hard to make him look like a high school teenager that is that is

their attempt at kirk cameron who's very clearly in his late 20s trying to be like 12 there's a whole bunch of scenes um highly recommended though great ending one of the worst endings to any movie i've seen uh it has the dad from fresh prince in it he's great um but spoil it it's a whole court the final act of the movie them trying to prove that he's not psychotic and that he can actually talk to this dog and he mimics the dog and then he realizes that the dog witnessed the villains poisoning the guy and murdering him and then he's like i see what you did and the dude pulls out a fucking gun it's a shootout it's it's dumb it's a really dumb movie but just when we're talking about uh move out scenes that one has one i watched it recently.

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oh jeff you son of a bitch you son of a bitch sucked you into a great movie right well no i couldn't see it but i went through a lot of effort to try i looked it up uh in canada it was only apparently available on a platform called like you do or something like that flu flu boo flu bow voodoo no i it's it's a thing where you need a library card fubo tv no i don't i don't think it was fubo i think it was like voodoo okay like like vud anyway wait what anyway you go onto the site and i went to register and it said you need your library card and i went off fuck i don't have a library card i guess i'll have to sign up for one and then my local library didn't have one so i had to lie

about which library i'm local to and i got a temporary online card and i had to go through like several levels of verification and then I submitted everything and it said ah you got to put your birthday in and so I did that and then the the button that was lit up was clear all info which deleted everything and I had to do it again it was a whole fucking process and then I finally get there and I tried, I tried to rent it and, uh, it just said not available. Sorry, but no copies of this digital works are,

are there. So it's just lying to me. So I still haven't seen it. Do they have like a finite amount of digital rentals? I don't know. So I tried renting a different film and it said that, Oh, and that reminds me,

I need to watch it, I guess by tomorrow. It exp thursday night and it returns itself so i don't know if they were out of copies or if they just never had copies or why it's there but i try they they're clearly out of copies because my talking about it has created a run on the woman with the red lipstick globally and everybody's getting in line to watch it. I'm sure you mentioned it at the time, but it's based on a true story? That's what they said

in the opening credits. I don't know how true that is. I would love, I want to see it. I thought Picnic and Hanging Rock, which is one of my favorite movies of all time, Australian film from the Peter Weir movie from the late 70s, early 80s. If you've never seen it, you should absolutely watch it. It begins by

saying this is based on a true story, and I spent my entire life thinking it was a true story, and then I read like four years ago, yeah, no, we just put that in because we thought it'd make it look cool. So I don't buy based on a true story anytime. What's that? They Fargo'd you? They Fargo'd me, yeah. That's the only one

I could think of where they did that. Wasn't Fargo based on a true Fargo'd me, yeah. That's the only one I could think of where they did that. Wasn't Fargo based on a true story? I mean, it was based on the... Oh, no, I'm thinking of the movie that the Zollner brothers made that was based on the... Kumiko, that was based on the woman who thought Fargo was a true story.

Yes. You just Amelia Earharted yourself. That's what you did. You just combined two films. Isla Fisher. the one yes I hope you get to see it though it's a really great yeah I'm trying it's tough it's

only available one place I'd rent it but it's not even streaming in Canada yet it will if the worst comes to worse I can stream it here and FaceTime you oh that's a great idea.

Through my phone. What if anybody's ever done that? Oh, definitely. A hundred percent. I've seen my favorite. One of those was the guy that was illegally Twitch streaming a UFC event, but just holding a controller pretending that he was playing the UFC game. I think it's so blatantly not that it's so funny what

kirk cameron though right kirk cameron when i was a kid i'm a little older than y'all so you might not remember this but when i was a kid kirk cameron was like the coolest kid he was like he was tv famous he was the like he was the cool teenage guy that you know we all looked like looked up to as in the right word but he was like the cool guy on tv that everybody wanted to be like and then he like he went like super christian i think yes it was weird because he was like he was like teen heartthrob everybody loved him high to fame and then it's one of those things where you just like he that show disappeared and he never translated into the next thing and then he was just wasn't anymore what are you laughing at just that picture that andrew posted oh i didn't he was an Oz I think

Kirk Cameron and he played like a priest in that or maybe I'm mistaking that no you might be right he had that movie right there the you lucky dog one and then I remember when that came out and then he also had one with I want to say Dudley Moore where it was like Freaky Friday

but with people not the dog Dudley Moore, where it was like Freaky Friday, but with people? Not the dog? Dudley Moore, Kirk Cameron. Was Kirk Cameron not in Oz? Like Father, Like Son. Yeah, I don't think Kirk Cameron's in Oz. Like Father, Like Son, where Dudley Moore and Kirk Cameron switched roles.

And then Kirk Cameron talked to a dog. Maybe it was the roles he was getting after. then Kirk Cameron talked to a dog and maybe it was the roles he was getting after who the fuck was the priest in Oz why don't you know who anyone is today I don't know Jeremiah Cloutier who is he Luke Perry it was

Luke Perry wasn't fuck they're kind of the same don't don't try to justify it this is just a random Luke Perry wasn't... Fuck! They're kind of the same. Don't try to justify it. The Susan Sarandon thing already sunk you. This is just another nail in your coffin, bud. Another name I will get wrong on my coffin.

They have similar energy. I don't feel bad about that one. You think they have similar energy? I mean, they look look kind of the same they're both heartthrobs this is such a song and dance uh gavin gavin can i rewind a little bit to you you started you started talking about nightmares and then your computer fucked up what were oh yeah what was up with the nightmares oh one of them some woman was chasing me down a dark street but for some reason i couldn't she have cucumbers no it wasn't her but i couldn't turn around i could only run backwards and then i couldn't even look around and i was like i'm gonna run into something and she was

gaining on me and uh she got real close like and i woke up you didn't you scared you were gonna have to kick her was she small no she was kind of attractive too i don't really know why i was so scared but i just remember i just had to get out of there she wearing open footed shoes oh yeah was she menacing to you? Like, did you feel like you were in danger physically? Yeah, I think she'd been, like, hunting me for most of the dream. And then she found me.

Huh. I'm surprised it wakes you, you got woken up every time. It's very rare that a nightmare will wake me up now. And then then see, and you woke up and you immediately had a full bladder and had to pee. And then, man, I've done a lot of dream interpretation and I,

I don't want to get into it too deeply, but, uh, you're fucked. Could it be? Yeah, that's not good. You're sweating a lot.

And then your body was absorbing that liquid and then refilling the bladder. Maybe. I don't know. I have been really hot in the night. Oh, no, that too. Sounds like I'm right. Sounds like I nailed it. I woke up the other day,

and I took the ugliest picture of myself because I realized my sleep mask had slipped down my face, and when I pulled it back off, it pushed all of my mustache hair up my nose. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Imagine what his asshole looked like when it got waxed. It looks like you're just breathing beard.

It looks like I've got a severe nose hair problem. That doesn't make you create, like, you don't trim the length of your mustache part. Like I can't stand that. If like a mustache hair, if a mustache hair like tickles my nose, I like cut it. I have to keep. Well,

that wouldn't be anything on my lip. Like if I push up on all that hair, of course it's going to go in my nose. Wouldn't it for anyone? No. I mean, there's some smaller noses out there i guess i yeah i'll be honest i'm having trouble getting the hair up to the right i need to you you can't just like push from your lip just push it into your nostrils not in a way that it would come even close to staying not not like that. No. Wow. No. I think that's a you thing. It looks like a spigot somebody turned on and its hair coming out instead of water. It looks like it's dispensing my beard.

Yeah. It's a horror show. Gracie says that is so disturbing. It is. You look like you're generating... And this is coming from the British jackal who sent us that

tub photo last episode. But that is like 99% just my normal face, Gracie. Your nose looks like it's generating the walkie-talkie man video. Yeah, it is your normal face,

but you don't normally have that faucet of hair going. Okay, Gavin, how long does it take for you to fill a beard with that nostril flow? I got a four minute face. You got a four minute face? You got a four minute beard. Do you have a lot of nightmares, Gav, or is this a new thing?

It's pretty new. Do you often remember them when you have them? Yeah, if they wake me up. I feel like they typically do wake me up because it's always as I'm getting pounced on or murdered. Yeah. Like you're saying, Andrew, that you just sit there and get murdered

and don't wake up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. Andrew, in his dream, his ankle hurts. He's like, nah, I can't go anywhere. I typically just reset the dream after that happens. Oh. I don't know if I talk about... Maybe, because people say if you die in a dream,

you die in real life. Maybe that you dies in the dream, and then you just go to a new timeline. Maybe. That might be the best people say I've ever heard. People say if you die in a dream, you die for real. They do. What people?

The people that say those things. I've heard if you die in the game, you die for real they do what people the people that say those things i've heard if you die in the game you die for real i've heard that too i don't think i've heard it if you die in the dream well i guess yeah freddy krueger yeah you're right yeah you're right that's a good i always thought it made sense that if you die in the matrix you died in your chair plugged into the matrix but i never understood how he got like a bloody lip he probably bumped it on something he's thrashing around maybe bit it he could have bit it i guess you ever see the uh footage of when they shut down the matrix mmo what happened with all the people no i remember the mess of that game yeah yeah if you there's a great clip of when they shut down the servers,

they had everybody die within the universe, and they, like, fold into themselves. They, like, crumble. They, like, ball up. So it's like footage of a bunch of people keeling over? Yes. Like they're eaten by their own assholes kind of thing? Let me see if I can find it on YouTube.

I've got it. Hang on. It's insane. It is very disturbing. That should be timestamped as well. 54 seconds. Look at that. Oh, Lord.

That is how that game ended. Everyone got forced into that position. God. Ew. And they made it to do that or that's just how it happened that's how they i think program i assume that was intentional and what are the exclamation points are those people still alive i don't know just twisted and to horrific because that's not even in the matrix right like that's not a thing that happens in any of those movies

no i'm not like those bones they they turned those people into pretzels. The Matrix games did some weird shit. That reminded me of The Sims when people got in a fight. You could delete the cloud that was covering them and they would kind of look like that. It was like two people still alive standing there looking at all their dead friends.

I think it's the Path of Neo game where when you get to the last boss fight it just stops the fight and Neo game where when you get to the last boss fight, it just stops the fight and a blue and pink cube come out representing the Wachowskis. And they just say to you, yeah, this is not at all how the story is going to go in the movie,

but the movie ending would be boring for a game. So we've just designed this fight for the game specifically. Like they explain the narrative of it and then they resume you back into the matrix very weird the matrix always had pretty cool outside of movie stuff and then you fight a giant a giant agent smith made out of buildings and cars and stuff it's so dumb and i think it's great that they just went i don't give a fuck about this it doesn't matter and they're right because it tom it is like uh what was that game uh where you roll around a ball and pick stuff up cat katamari

so it's like a katamari agent smith it yeah essentially huh it's what they interpreted is what video game people would want and i think that's great it's nice they were honest about it and yeah it's the only game that i've ever played where they stop the game to explain to you why you're about to do the thing like in a in a way of of talking to you as the player. What are those, ants? Yeah, you also fight giant fire ants. Yeah, it's not like a good game, it's just sort of like they went, yeah, this is fucking stupid,

let's just do this. I feel like this is a game Eric remembers very well. No, I just remember, it's stuff like that in like the Fight Club video game where you can be like Fred Durst and Abe Lincoln and stuff, like you know, like just weird video game shit is a lot of fun. What was the Matrix game

where you played as like Ghost and Niobe and there was like a hacking thing? It was like a parallel to the second movie. Evolutions, I want to say? Or Revolutions? That was the third movie.

It's something. That was Assassin's Creed game. Revelations. Are you thinking about Assassin's Creed, maybe were you wearing a matrix enter the matrix that was it just enter the matrix yeah yeah yeah i remember liking that yeah it's just all bullet time yeah yeah exactly which is cool you know it's all the cool things and then but also they they like shot they shot stuff for it at the same time they shot the movie which must have been so expensive yes

maybe someday if we ever are in a company that plays video games we could go back and visit those games and run through them I have zero memory of that they're great games did you play it I probably did at that time it was like there were so many video games and we had access to so many video games and you were

playing everything for like an hour back in those days, I feel like. A lot of stuff didn't stick with me because we were burning through so much shit. I don't know that this is a super rich vein to tap here as we're getting kind of close to time and everything, but Gracie said that she's never had deja vu, and it pisses her off. What? You've never had deja vu? No, never her off what you've never had deja vu no never it just not been alive actually drives me crazy i don't i don't know i looked up why some people don't have it um and it says that my brain is actually functioning more normally than everyone else's for a long yeah yeah yeah do you know the shared common experience that we all have that you don't?

Yeah. Yeah. You're more normal than us. Do you by any chance have difficulty with captures? No. Are you a robot? Yes. What is the youngest anyone's had deja vu?

I mean, I definitely had it as a kid yeah i remember i remember having it at like nine years old and thinking it was like the craziest feeling in the world like i don't even i i don't even know what the feeling is like everyone tries to describe it to me and i just i can't wrap my mind around it because i've never had it maybe you do have it but it feels differently to you and you just don't recognize it as that you think it's something else like you're like oh i'm hungry again but it's really deja vu oh you know what we we never figured out uh how long gracie's tub fills for oh yeah yeah yeah we should do that oh that's a good call okay so now y'all aren't trying to induce it.

That's what it would feel like. She's definitely a robot. The most normal one of us all. Thank you, Eric, for posting. There she is. The British Jackal. There she is. The funniest picture.

She's like mad about it. It's like everybody started in photos of their hair going up their nose today. I can't believe no one else could do that. It can't be true. I just told you specifically I trim my mustache so it doesn't do that. That's why you trim it? Yes. I've never had that happen in my life.

I've had like a hair go up my nose one time and it tickles and you're like, oh, get rid of that. But I've never had a problem where all my hairs got sucked up into my nostrils and then stayed there long enough to take it forward. That's never happened to me before.

I just happened to push it all up there by accident with the eye mask. I can't push mine up like that. I'm sorry. I'd love to be on your side right now gracie had to leave early and she said okay i have to leave don't talk about come i don't know we have to i mean that's terrible oh shit guys uh it's raining oh no yeah they're supposed to be uh there's thunderstorms coming for like the next like two hours. Yeah, I just heard one roll through if you hear any.

Is your dog afraid of thunder or not? Find out. I don't think so. I don't think my dog gives a shit. My dog's pretty chill. Would you rather rain syrup or cum? God damn it. Dude, syrup.

I love syrup. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Gavin? Gavin, make your choice. Syrup will come? Yeah. What do you mean? Well, if it's going to rain.

You're already fucked, Gavin. It took way too long for you to answer. The answer was quick and easy. Syrup will come. Syrup, right? No, no, no, no. It's too late. Yeah, no, you don't even know. What do you mean right?

What do you mean right? What do you put on your pancakes? Oh, you don't want to know. I'm sinking in the rain. Oh, man. Gavin. Cloudy with a chance to come. No umbrella for me.

Cloudy with a chance of my balls. Raindrops keep falling on my head. We've got to pay Gracie to stay the full way. I want to know, have you ever seen the come? Oh, fuck. The next line is coming down. Oh, my God. Yeah, we need to.

Yeah, Gracie has to be here all the time more often because this is not good. I still can't get over that picture. That's the weirdest choice. We should talk about it some more. Why did she do that? There was an easy way to do this whole thing. There's an easy way to do this whole thing. It's the weirdest photo

so troubled it's like aggressively troubled oh my god i i want to put it on a shirt but we don't we can't we don't have we can't there's no shirt to put it on because by the time this is all out and done or whatever like we can't do this there's nothing There's no shop to put it in. Here's what we do. When we start the new thing, at some point, there'll be merch, right? We'll have... We'll Taylor Swift this photo.

Yeah. I think we got to put the British Jackal in the regulation vault. Oh, yeah, absolutely. 100%. It's got to get locked. I mean, we've turned around some print on demands pretty fast. Oh, yeah, absolutely. 100%. It's got to get locked. I mean, we've turned around some print-on-demands pretty fast. Yeah, but... This ain't happening.

But the last... But the... I think that the... Like, our last sale... At the time of the recording... Oh! It's like the 20... It's the 27th.

The 29th is our last sale ever, and they're shutting down... Like, I think they're fire-sailing everything on the 1st. I think April 1st, they're stopping print-on-demand stuff. Yeah, yeah. So by the time this is out, which will be, what, two weeks? Like April 10th or whatever when this comes out? You know, like it'll be long done. Sorry.

What happened to all them clocks? I think they got put back in the store and then bought by other people. Oh, nice. I got about 600 of them propping up the store and then bought by other people. Nice. I got about 600 of them propping up the left side of my house right now. Oh, man. Okay. Remember that line, Jeff, and then say it next time you see Nick in person.

Because that was a good one. I got a good reaction. All right. All right. All right. Everybody excited about, I'm going to date this recording, but is everybody excited about the baseball season starting tomorrow? Yeah.

Baseball season starting tomorrow? Interesting response from Nick. Yeah. Yeah. Opening day is tomorrow. The Phillies game was already delayed, Jeff. Was it really? Yeah. Why? Yeah. Every team was supposed day is tomorrow. The Phillies game was already delayed, Jeff. Wasn't really? Why?

Yeah. Every team was supposed to play tomorrow. It was going to be like a big kickoff for baseball, and they had to delay some games. Yep. For weather or what? I think so. I think so, yeah.

What was on the weather report? You don't want to know. It's coming down. It's bad. They say don't look up. Oh, my God. Trying to catch a cum angel with my tongue.

I just need to know. Well, I'm going to be making hot dogs and watching baseball. The American pastime. Brought us the likes of Pedro Martinez and Don Zimmer. I'm going to continue in the pastiche, the rich tradition of the all-American sport of baseball.

Hot dogs and Cracker Jacks. The old ball game. Peanuts. Peanuts have to be in the mix, right? I'll have some peanuts. Any other things in that song? Stop trying to gamify everything. Yeah, I was going to say.

I agree. I think Gavin's just trying to run out the clock here. He's smart. Nick is losing it in this episode i have a question for everybody oh yeah i was thinking about you know how like you have subscription everything's a subscription service now and you have subscription services you forget that you're even paying for sometimes again you had xbox live for like a year on a wrong account three years but three years yeah

was yeah well listen i was trying to do you a favor um if you viewed every part of your body if it was every part was a subscription service are there things you would unsubscribe to oh yeah what are you unsubscribing to my butthole so you would just continue to waste or shit I just wouldn't poop anymore because you wouldn't need it you're not gonna eat you don't eat because of your butt in this

in this magic world where I can opt out of having parts of my body I'm opting out of collecting waste at the same world is not that magical I would opt out of having parts of my body. I'm opting out of collecting waste at the same time. The world is not that magical. I would opt out of my ring finger, maybe, on one hand, if it was expensive and I could do without it. I'm getting rid of my pinkies.

I'm not paying for those. Oh, you need a pinky. Why do I need a pinky? You need the end ones. You'll find out real fast. They're like bookends for the rest of your fingers. You think the pinky is more important? Where are you going to grow a cocaine nail?

Yeah. How are you going to dig a little tiny bit of earwax out of your ear? I got small hands. I can use any finger for that. I'm all good. How are you going to count to five? Oh, fuck. I got two hands.

It's really ten would be the problem. How are you going to type an L? I don't think I use... No, I don't. No. How do you get a tab or shift? I don't do shift already. How do you run in a video game?

My thumbs. What do you mean? He claws it. He's a weird claw. You use your pinky to hit all your buttons on the right side. No, I don't. What do you use? I use my middle finger.

My middle finger covers my bumper and my right trigger. Oh, you're right, you're right. Okay, so how much money would you have to save to warrant losing the little fingers? Honestly, $3 each. They're gone. They're both gone. So you would make $6 a month and not

have fingers? Okay. That wouldn't buy you an extra value meal at McDonald's. That's pointless. I'll give you $300. Let's chop them off, man. No, you can resubscribe in this world. I'm saying that I think I'd be willing to drop the subscription for that.

If I'm wrong... I'll unsubscribe from everything below my neck at night well you die those are vital organs okay can I can I be like the Robocop remake where I'm just like a spine and like one long and yes guess if you could figure that out. Could you go the other way? Could you subscribe to extra shit? Like, can I have extra fingers if I wanted to? Now we're talking. I'm into this. I'm putting a cock on my back. Like, yeah, can I pay like an extra

$13 to have three elbows or something? Sure. Why not? You'd want more elbows? I want a prehensile tail. I would want more elbows if I was gonna be be like a ufc fighter would it go on like the forearm side or on the bicep side i think it would go on top of the other elbow what what like elbow stacking on both sides so you just have like a growth on your elbow it wouldn't't hinge anything. It would be so

strong and hard you could fucking whack people with it. So it'd be awesome. You're just talking about an upgrade. You're not talking about like an addition. No, it is an addition. It's two that are stacked on top of each other. Take me off of 200%. Yeah, get them off 200%. I wish I could rent extra

fingers right now to flip you off with. Yeah, but I wouldn't recognize it as the middle finger. Yeah, how would that work? You would have side fingers. It would have to be one middle finger coming out of your forehead, and that would probably do it. That's totally fine. And the shape.

I think you would have to have all the five fingers that they are, and then where your middle finger is, a finger on your palm and then a finger on the back of your hand and so when you bend them all down you have one true middle finger and it's very powerful I could do that but I could also put it on my forehead and it could be my fuck unicorn

what do you think is the least like the part you could get rid of and not notice the most? Appendix. That's true. Can I get a second blood? A second blood? Like imagine a pouch on my back

that contains a human body's worth of blood that I can just sub in. A blood bag on your back? Yeah, so I can just give myself a transfusion if I need it. Just in the rare case you need it? Or is it so you can do, like, drugs and then pass a test? No, it would be

like a backup fuel tank. Oh. Like, I could just switch a thing and it would just start pumping in if my blood goes bad. Fuck, I'd rather, instead of that, I'd rather have a backup bladder on my back. So if I get caught out somewhere and I can't piss,

I could just dump all the pee into the backup bladder and then clear out my first bladder. It would suck if you took a baseball to the back though and your bladder exploded. What would be worse? Getting covered in your old piss or getting covered in your extra blood if your blood bag popped it'd be gross either way i'd rather be covered in blood than piss

i guess if it's my blood i'd be pretty fucking scared if i was covered in my blood piss is piss though piss is supposed to be on the outside blood supposed to be on the inside i think i could i like a big fucking take a shower and get the. If I can take a shower and get the piss off, if I take a shower and get the blood off, I'm like, don't go down the drain, I still need that blood. Well, you could remake it. You generate new blood. You could just start refilling it again. Very slowly you generate blood. Way slower than you generate

piss. No, a week later I'd have a full blood bag again. Probably two weeks. Two weeks? I don't think you're generating that much blood that quickly. How long does it take to generate a body's worth of blood hold on a second no one ever

generates from zero blood probably need blood to start generating blood I'm sure they've got a math equation are you telling me

that Mark Hominick didn't have a hematoma he was just storing a blood bag he had a second blood bag ready to go oh my god fuck

I forgot about that how long does it take for the body to make new blood if you donate a pint He was just storing a blood bag. He had a second blood bag ready to go. Oh my God. Fuck. I forgot about that. How long does it take for the body to make new blood? If you donate a pint of blood, it takes about four to six weeks to complete replacement. Oh my God. Didn't they, was it,

who was it? George Washington? They just like sucked four pints of his blood out or something. Didn't they like let a bunch of blood? Was that because he chopped down a cherry tree, right? That was his punishment? I don't know. Who can remember American history, right?

Confusing. I just remember doctors used to kill presidents a lot. One president got shot, and then they killed him by rummaging around with their bare hands in his gut i mean it wasn't just present those were the good doctors by the way doctors killed a lot of people a lot back in the old days it was a lot of like well let's see what this does i always think about the the drunk history for when the on the one about the president who had

the least like longest run i think he died in 28 days and he got sick he got like uh cold and like pneumonia and the clip of him just going and the doctors didn't know anything and so they just threw leeches and snakes on him just let him bite you make you feel better as that is my in my head the old-timey doctor is throwing snakes on people that was the way and they also didn't believe in anything that was like invisible, like microbes and bacteria. Yeah, it was William Harry Anderson.

If I'm ill and the solution is for a snake to bite me better, I need you guys to kill me in the room on the spot. What if the snake is in my mouth and I bite you? And then while I'm biting you, the snake bites you so you never see the snake is in my mouth and I bite you? And then while I'm biting you,

the snake bites you. So you never see the snake. Oh, like a xenomorph. No, I, I, I appreciate the sentiment,

but I can't. I, the knowledge alone of even the idea of a snake, the idea that a snake exists is bad enough. I just, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. What if Gavin subscribes to the life-saving thing

the snake has, and then he bites you snake style? I'll subscribe to some glands and a fang. Yeah, I can do that. I can do that. You can do that? Okay. So Gavin snake is... If it's Gavin biting me and not a snake mouth,

I can do it. Where am I biting you, though? Yeah. It's going to have to be in my wiener. It's the only way to save me. I would say it's the ass because it's so fleshy, but, I mean, it. Where am I biting you there? Yeah. It's gonna have to be in my wiener. It's the only way to save me. I would say it's the ass because it's so fleshy, but I mean, it's up to you. Yeah, it's either the ass or the

wiener. Have you guys thought about that? No, we have to end. We have to go. I would have been done if you didn't interrupt. I would have been finished. I don't believe that at all. Six words away. It's been 200 episodes, Andrew. Six more. Fucking shot. Here's your final six words. I was six words away. It's been 200 episodes, Andrew. Six more words.

Here's your final six words. Take us out, Andrew. Go fuck yourself, Eric. It's only five words. We'll see you next time. Bye. Hey, guys. Major League fan Jack here with a look at next week's episode of F*** Face.

And once again, the boys are behind schedule, so with only a few episodes left here are more predictions jeff had secrets in the store we have our first graded pantin jim mint 10 gavin made a gracie meme we have a new favorite sport did nick wear the monkey mask who didn't survive the eclipse and once again andrew does not eat the pencil all that and more on next week's episode of F*** Face.